I am now a very happily married mother of two, working mom, Christian marriage blogger, YouTuber, and author of “The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord.” This blog is a place where I share the things that I WISH I knew when I was a newlywed in 1994.
Yes, I am a lot older than I look! As of 2019, I am 46.
Of course, many times we have to learn things the hard way – but I hope that my experiences might help you learn more quickly than I did! I’m so glad you are here and welcome you to join me on this journey to become the wives and women God desires us to be.
I WAS A BIT OF A CONTROL FREAK
For 14+ years I prayed that God would change my husband. If HE would just be more loving and step up more as a leader – things would be great! I didn’t see my prayers being answered. I felt like I was trying to drag Greg toward God and make him be what I wanted him to be. I was negative, critical, bossy, and condescending. I didn’t do a lot of smiling. I didn’t accept my husband as he was. I wanted him to change. And I wanted him to do things MY way.
MY BLINDING LIGHT EXPERIENCE IN DECEMBER 2008
Then I read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Eggerichs. The “scales of disrespect” (as Dr. Eggerichs calls it) fell off of my spiritual eyes as I realized that I had actually been sabotaging our marriage. ME. My own disrespect had forced my husband to withdraw from me to protect himself. I felt like I was looking at a marriage report card where I had expected to get at least an A if not an A+ and I only got about a D. I was devastated – and repentant.
I thought that everyone thought and felt like I did. I thought that if Greg was hurt in our marriage, he would tell me, like I told him. I thought his needs were identical to mine. I thought we were the SAME. That’s what our culture taught us, after all! I discovered that we are equal in value and worth, but we are very different.
A LONG JOURNEY
I began praying for God to change ME! I began thanking God and my husband for the good things in him. I truly humbled myself – by God’s grace! And things started slowly changing.
I quit running ahead and stopped trying to take over. I learned I DID NOT know best. I learned my husband had valid, wise ideas that often took us to a much better place than my way would. I learned God’s ways are so much higher than my own. I learned that husbands and God have a much different time-table from mine – and that is ok.
It took a LOT of studying, prayer, humility, and most of all the work of God’s Spirit in me. I spent about 3-4 hours almost every day of the week for 3.5 years studying, reading, praying, and asking God to radically change my thinking. But after that time, respect and biblical submission were finally habits. I didn’t have to consciously do spiritual and emotional gymnastics all the time anymore to do the godly thing. I also discovered God’s design for femininity and God truly developed a peaceful, gentle spirit in me that does not give way to fear! ME!?!? What an amazing God we serve!
I was shocked when I started really obeying God that I had so much deep, new peace unlike anything I had ever experienced and bubbling over joy every day. I began to understand my identity as a woman in Christ. Wow! I felt beautiful, feminine, empowered and like I was becoming the woman I always wanted to be! I didn’t have regrets in my marriage anymore (except for in the past). I knew what my husband needed and I knew how to give it to him! For many years I would BEG him to tell me what he needed and he didn’t know. So I thought there was nothing I had to give him that would bless him. I knew I needed his love, and I felt like he didn’t need me at all. It was SO exciting to find out I DID have valuable contributions for the marriage that would meet his masculine needs! WOOHOO!
I LOVED learning about God’s design for me and the blessings in His commands for wives. The heavy weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. I wasn’t afraid, anxious, worried or overwhelmed anymore. I felt cherished, adored, loved, protected, and enjoyed learning to rest in God’s love and my husband’s love and just be still. My life had changed so much, I am overflowing with thankfulness and praises for God!
MY PRAYER FOR OTHER WIVES
How I pray that you will discover your power in your marriage and how obeying God’s commands for you in the Bible is the pathway to your own fulfillment intimacy, peace, and joy in Christ. All good things are in Him alone. God’s design for women and men in marriage is beautiful! They are so much better than our own. We are different by His divine design to complement each other. God’s commands bring freedom and joy. The Bible is extremely relevant to us today. Many times, as we find the healing and spiritual life that Jesus offers to us individually, we also eventually begin to see His healing pour into our marriages, families, and every other relationship in our lives for His glory.
This blog will be most relatable for wives who tend to have a strong personality and whose husbands tend to be more calm and steady. If your husband is controlling or you are more passive – many things I talk about will still apply (God’s Word always applies) – but you may have to approach some of the practical issues from a different angle. For instance, where a woman with a strong and very verbal personality may need to learn to speak less and give more space and time to her husband, a woman who has been overly quiet may need to learn to speak up more and be more assertive. There is a balance that is critical so that we are not passive but not controlling. I try to include guest posts from wives who have different marriage dynamics and ideas from women with other dynamics in my posts to create balance.
If you tend to be too passive and are tempted to be too much of a “doormat,” please check out Radiant’s posts.
NOTE – If you are in a marriage with severe problems – infidelity, abuse, uncontrolled mental health issues, active addictions – please seek godly, experienced help right away. I want everyone to be safe. I don’t have a history of being abused and I haven’t had professional training about abuse. I am not a licensed marriage counselor, therapist, pastor, or psychiatrist. I am not writing for those with severe issues because you need much more individualized counsel than I can give in generalized posts.
My posts about our walk with Christ apply to everyone. But my concern is that sometimes women who have experienced abuse or who are not able to receive God’s love and their identity in Christ mis-hear me in dangerous ways when they read about respect and biblical submission because of the filters they have. It could be helpful to search for terms on my home page like: doormat, abuse, identity, respect myself, or security. I never endorse abuse or sin against anyone. If you are truly in danger (men or women), please try to get the help you need in person. I encourage those with severe marriage issues to seek one-on-one, trusted, godly counsel.
A helpful resource for wives in emotionally/verbally abusive marriages might be Nina Roesner’s Strength and Dignity eCourse.
If you need counseling, please check out Focus on the Family’s counseling resource here.