I want to help wives find God-honoring, proven tools to help them, their husbands, and their children break the destructive power that porn holds over so many lives.
Covenant Eyes is a very popular app for quitting pornography use and addiction. And they have a number of free downloadable resources to help those who are addicted to porn themselves, to help parents navigate internet use and safety, and to help wives of husbands who are addicted.
This is a review of the FREE downloadable 36 page PDF Covenant Eyes published for wives (it is down toward the bottom of the page of resources):
Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives*
I was very glad to see the format of this guide and how helpful it would be for a wife who is hurting and who doesn’t know what to do when she discovers her husband has been using porn. Or maybe, she has known for a while, but desperately needs help.
A husband’s porn use can be one of the most devastating experiences for a wife. It is a very painful betrayal. And wives need loving support and wise, godly counsel in order to heal and come through this with a chance to see their marriages healed.
Left to her own devices, it’s easy for a wife to react in grief, anger, and desperation in ways that make things harder for her husband, herself, and the marriage to heal. So it can be invaluable to have the guidance of others who know the ropes and know how a wife can best care for herself and respond to her husband during a crisis like this.
I appreciate how this resource addresses a wife’s concerns and her own struggles and helps women try to understand the way pornography addictions work. However, if you are particularly sensitive to reading about men being visual, and you have some healing to do in that area, you may want to skip the part about the mechanics.
Here is how the booklet is laid out.
PART ONE
What Am I Going Through?
- Why does he look at porn?
- Why does he prefer porn to sex with me?
- How can he watch porn and say he loves me?
- Why am I not enough?
- Is this my fault?
- Is this it for our marriage?
3 Stages of Recovering from Betrayal and Moving Towards Forgiveness
- Impact Stage
- Meaning Stage
- Moving On Stage
PART TWO
What Am I Going Through?
The Next Steps for Recovery
Having Productive Conversations
Rebuilding Trust Through Boundaries
- Physical boundaries
- Accountability boundaries
- Emotional boundaries
- Setting personal action items
- Avoiding extremes in boundaries
Internet Safety and Accountability
- Helping your husband choose accountability partners
- Should you receive your husband’s internet reports?
Finding a Counselor
- Personal Support
- Seeking Pastoral Counseling
- Table of Intensives
A Parable of Hope
PART THREE
Additional Resources
Books for Further Reading
- Books for you
- Books for your husband
Software and Websites
This booklet gives wives hope and a plan. It points wives to the Lord and to productive, Bible-honoring ways to approach their husbands.
I love that Covenant Eyes explains clearly that a husband’s pornography use is not his wife’s fault. And that they address many myths about porn use that keep people stuck.
I also love the email support program they provide and the stories of encouragement and hope. It never gets old, seeing God set people free from sin and destructive addictions!
Most of all, I am excited about the way Covenant Eyes encourages people to honor the Lord with their eyes and thoughts and provides accountability and tools to help people find freedom in Christ from pornography use.
(*Full disclosure, this is an affiliate link. This is a product and cause I believe in very strongly. I want to see every person and every marriage and family be pornography-free and living in full submission to Christ as Lord!)
Would this also be beneficial for wives who struggles with Porn addiction and their husbands are trying to help them?
Cameca Johnson,
Covenant Eyes has resources for men and women here.
If your husband doesn’t struggle with porn but you do, he may find that the PDF for wives has a lot of helpful information for him, as well. He may just have to tailor it a bit to your situation.
Much love!
thank you for your time and input on this very serious issue….please mention a warning that there is a certain “christian” patriarchal website that says it is ok for christian men to view porn because god made men to be visual “and if the chrisitan husband wants to view porn the wife just has to get over it. his other advice for women is also very toxic and he just started a christian sexology site where he said he hopes to have articles for teens and pre-teens about sex. gag! of course, i understand if you decide not to publish this comment but if you want to take the information and craft your own warning about it, that would probably be much better as you can word things in ways that really get the message across.
Susan Barackman,
Thank you for not mentioning his site. I don’t want to endorse or encourage it or send anyone to it.
God’s Word is very clear that lust is sin. It’s important for us to avoid teachers who celebrate sin and lead others astray.
– But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matt. 5:28
– But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal. 5:16
– So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Tim. 2:22
– Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Col. 3:5
Thanks for sharing!
“God’s Word is very clear that lust is sin. It’s important for us to avoid teachers who celebrate sin and lead others astray.”
The sad thing is the writers of these strongly patriarchal blogs are the many dictatorial rules they put forth for women are biblical and god’s design and purpose for women. And if a woman does not follow them, she is not saved or certainly going against god. Any dissenting comments are met with vitriol and character assassination.
I find it a tragedy that the writers of these “chrisitian patriarchy blogs” are putting forth such misconstrued ideas as actual commands from God—-most of the rules are for women to follow— and then respond with name calling and hatred towards those who disagree or offer a different way of looking at the scripture verse.
I know you have a lot of young or new Christians reading your blog. Could you perhaps write an article on what to watch for or a check list of how to spot these kinds of blogs and FB groups and what to watch for if they happen to come across them?
Susan Barackman,
It is very sad. And tragic. When someone professes Christ but acts in the manner you are describing, this is not a teacher to follow.
Scripture talks about this in 2 Tim. 3:1-9:
But understand this: In the last days terrible times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, without love of good, traitorous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. Turn away from such as these!
They are the kind who worm their way into households and captivate vulnerable women who are weighed down with sins and led astray by various passions, who are always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.
Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these men oppose the truth. They are depraved in mind and disqualified from the faith. But they will not advance much further. For just like Jannes and Jambres, their folly will be plain to everyone.
The requirements for a man to be an elder or leader in the church are as follows in 1 Tim. 3:1-13:
Qualifications for Overseers
(Titus 1:5-9; 1 Peter 5:1-4)
This is a trustworthy saying: If anyone aspires to be an overseer, he desires a noble task. An overseer, then, must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not dependent on wine, not violent but gentle, peaceable, and free of the love of money.
An overseer must manage his own household well and keep his children under control, with complete dignity. For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how can he care for the church of God? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same condemnation as the devil. Furthermore, he must have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the snare of the devil.
Qualifications for Deacons
(Acts 6:1-7)
Deacons likewise must be dignified, not double-tongued or given to much wine or greedy for money. They must hold to the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience. Additionally, they must first be tested. Then, if they are above reproach, let them serve as deacons.
In the same way, the women must be dignified, not slanderers, but temperate and faithful in all things.
A deacon must be the husband of but one wife, a good manager of his children and of his own household. For those who have served well as deacons acquire for themselves a high standing and great confidence in the faith that is in Christ Jesus.
I will certainly prayerfully consider this topic. Thank you so much, dear sister!