How Can You Tell If Someone Is Controlling?

What is a controlling person?

Here’s my definition:

A controlling person is someone who has self on the throne of his/her heart. This person expects others, and even God, to submit to them in everything. They believe that it is their God-given right and responsibility to make other people do what they believe is best. Sometimes out of fear for their loved ones’ safety. Other times out of pride. Often both.

A controlling person does not submit to the Lordship of Christ, seek God’s will first, or humbly embrace dying to self.

A controlling person tries to take over other people’s God-given free-will and decision-making. This is way beyond leading or influencing or sharing ideas, advice, or encouragement. A controlling person tries to coerce, manipulate, and force others to do their will and gets very upset or anxious if others do not cooperate.

A controlling person may believe that they are holding up the universe, in many ways. They think they know best. They think their efforts are keeping everything from collapsing into chaos. They think they possess some of the sovereignty that only God truly owns.

They believe that their responsibilities extend far beyond where they actually do into other people’s lives and God’s responsibilities. They are unwittingly deceived, causing them to act in dysfunctional ways.

Of course, the key to a healthy, godly marriage, is for both spouses to completely yield themselves individually to the Lordship of Jesus and to seek His will far above their own.

How Can You Know If Someone Is Controlling?

It’s important to discern rightly if your spouse (or anyone else) is controlling or if you have skewed thinking. Or you could have both situations going on at the same time.

14 TYPES OF CONTROL

These are all just ways we relate to others dysfunctionally when the old sinful nature is in control.

  1. Pressure
  2. Guilt trips
  3. Playing the martyr
  4. Idolatry of self or happiness/narcissism
  5. Insults
  6. Bribes/gifts with strings attached
  7. Aggression/domination/threats/violence/abuse
  8. Gaslighting
  9. Manipulation
  10. Passive-Aggression
  11. Interrogation
  12. Silent treatment
  13. Neediness/clinginess
  14. Isolating someone from everyone else and every outside influence in their life

There are a lot of possible scenarios where we may feel like someone is controlling

Some of these situations really are about another person controlling and others aren’t.

We may feel like someone is trying to control us…

  • And they are. A person is trying to make a decision for us that belongs to us. They don’t understand where their responsibilities end. Or they are trying to take over as our Holy Spirit and take on God’s authority that does not belong to them. They may believe they are loving, protecting, or helping us. They may not see that what they are doing is offensive. But they have overstepped.
  • But they aren’t. Maybe someone is simply trying to give us love, counsel, and sound advice. That is not necessarily controlling. We may not want or appreciate their advice, but other people telling us their ideas or suggestions is not necessarily controlling behavior. It is when they try to force us to do what they think is best that it becomes a problem. If we don’t ever want to hear anyone else’s thoughts or ideas that differ from our own, we may have a heart issue on our end and need to learn to receive counsel, constructive criticism, and godly rebukes. We may be dealing with a spirit of offense.
  • But our flesh is just weak at that time. Sometimes our feelings tell us someone is trying to control us, but we are misjudging the situation. Our emotions are not always accurate. If we are exhausted, hormonal, really hungry, etc… sometimes normal interactions with others can feel oppressive when they aren’t. Or we may be in a negative thought spiral that is based on assumptions, not facts.
  • But someone with legitimate God-given authority is trying to lead us in proper ways. Maybe we are unwilling to honor their leadership or the Lord. If my boss gives me an assignment, asks me to change something about my approach with customers, or tells me I have some area where I need to improve, that is not controlling. That is appropriate leadership. If my mentor lovingly, respectfully confronts me about sin in my life, that is a blessing. If I, as a mom, ask my elementary school-age children to get ready for bed by 9 pm (without yelling or insulting them), that is not controlling.

God-given leaders (according to Scripture) include:

  • Parents for underage children (Eph. 6:1-2)
  • Husbands (Col. 3:18-19, Eph. 5:22-33, 1 Cor. 11:3, I Pet. 3:1-7)
  • Bosses (Eph. 6:6-9)
  • Pastors/church leaders (Heb 13:7, Acts 20:28, 1 Tim 3, James 3:1)
  • Government leaders/military/police officers (Rom. 13:1-7)

These people are responsible before God to protect those in their care, to lead them to Christ, to do what is best for them, to set godly examples, and to honor the Lord in their decisions.

But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them… It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matt. 20:25-28

Of course, some people in leadership positions act like selfish tyrants and truly are controlling or abusive, harming others. This is completely unacceptable in God’s eyes.

“Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture!” declares the Lord.”

Jeremiah 23:1

It can get confusing to sort things out.

We need the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit to see ourselves and others rightly according to Scripture.

If Someone Is a God-Given Leader in Our Lives

We need to be sure that if we feel someone is trying to control us who does have a legitimate position of authority that we respect the position, the person, and God’s design. We treat them with honor. We seek to have a generally cooperative spirit whenever possible. Ultimately, we do this to honor Christ, and because we trust Him and submit ourselves to Him above all else not because the person deserves it.

Our willingness to cooperate with people in positions of leadership isn’t about them being perfect or infallible. They are not deity. They are supposed to be God’s agents to bring order and blessing. They are supposed to serve others humbly with love.

But they don’t get to demand to control our thoughts, our faith, our decisions, etc… We also can’t follow them into anything God calls, “sin” or false teaching. There are times we can’t submit to a person in a position of leadership.

“We must obey God rather than men.”

Acts 5:28

If someone oversteps their God-given position as a leader, spouse, friend, or family member, we may need to respectfully address it. (If we are being abused or are not safe, we can to reach out for help from other authorities ASAP.)

Ultimately, we each answer to God, alone. All people in leadership positions answer to Him, too. No one has authority from God to coerce us into sinning or to abuse others. And no human has equal authority to God and His Word.

Abuse of Leadership Is Not Okay

If a husband says, “I am Christ to you. You have to do anything I say, whether it is sin or not. You have to go through me to get to God. You must bow to me!” That is not godly leadership. It is inappropriate and outrageous. A person who demands to be treated as a deity is not following God or listening to Him. He is following the enemy. Satan demanded to be equal to God.

See what God did when Herod allowed people to honor him as deity. Or what God did to Nebuchadnezzar to humble him from his pride.

There is only one God and He alone is worthy of our worship and full submission.

No one has a right to ask someone to violate the Greatest Commandment. Or any of God’s commandments.

Or if a husband said, “We’re going to have a threesome with this woman. You have to obey me.” Or, “You have to watch porn with me.” That is not appropriate leadership. He has no authority to tell you to commit sexual immorality against the Lord.

If a husband says, “You have to respect me so that means I can cuss you out and hit you and you have to stand there and take it and say nothing.” That is not remotely what God had in mind for leadership. God hates violence and abuse. God provides other authorities (pastors, counselors, thehotline.org, doctors, and the police) so that we can reach out for help if someone abuses us.

If you feel like your husband is controlling because he won’t let you have any contact with anyone else, he threatens your safety, he often has an uncontrollable temper, he emotionally/verbally continually insults and berates you, he gaslights you, he tries to force you to do things by coercion or violence, he makes extremely unreasonable demands, etc… the main issue is probably on his end and you may need additional help. This is not okay.

Sometimes these situations are very black and white. Other times, they are more gray and difficult to discern. That’s why we need the Spirit and the Bible to help us every day so we can make the right choices in His sight.

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet, a light on my path.

Psalm 119:105

Godly Leadership Is Not Controlling or Abusive

If you have your own skewed thinking about God, yourself, and others, it is possible for you to feel controlled when someone in a position of leadership is just trying to lead in a godly way.

For example, if your husband says, “We are spending way too much. My hours have been cut at work. Let’s try to keep our spending to $150 per week on groceries for the time being.” That is wise leadership. Not control. A wife would honor the Lord by having a cooperative spirit with her husband’s leadership. There is only so much money so both spouses will have to cooperate to avoid going into debt. We are all to be godly stewards.

Or if your husband says, “I think you have too many commitments on your plate. You’ve been exhausted and stressed so much lately. I think it would be a good idea for you to give up your ministry at church for a while so you can have more energy and get more rest.” That is wise, God-honoring leadership. He is looking out for your best interests and trying to take care of you.

Maybe your husband notices that your best friend is encouraging you to go against the Lord or against your marriage and loves to complain, argue, and cause drama. If he says, “I‘d like you to limit your time with her,” that is wise. You can look at Scripture and see that we are not to surround ourselves with divisive people who gossip, tear others down, and lead us astray.

If you feel like your husband is controlling when he offers loving advice, guidance, protection, wisdom, or a perspective that is different from yours, the issue may be on your end.

Of course, sometimes there are problems on both sides. Interestingly, as we allow God to change us and make us more like Jesus, amazing things can happen. And He can give us the discernment and wisdom we need in our situation.

Next week, I plan to share posts about unhealthy and healthy ways spouses and others respond to controlling people.

Share

Has God shown you wisdom about recognizing control in others that you’d like to share?

How do you recognize control or skewed thinking in your own life?

We’d love to hear how the Lord set you free. <3

Related

The Peaceful Wife book

All the baby steps you need to break the addiction of trying to control your husband and finding real peace with God, your husband, and yourself.

POSTS ABOUT CONTROL

What Is Going on in a Controlling Person’s Head?

7 Unhealthy Ways a Spouse Can Respond to Feeling Controlled

9 Healthy Ways a Christian Spouse Could Respond to Feeling Controlled

Spiritual Authority Class Notes (from Rev. Harold Weaver at my church)

The Cure for My Compulsion to Control

What Does the Bible Say About How to Deal with Controlling People? by www.gotquestions.org

Verses about Controlling People

HELP FOR PORN ADDICTIONS

Covenant Eyes (affiliate link)—resources and tools to help people overcome porn use

14 thoughts to “How Can You Tell If Someone Is Controlling?”

  1. Hanging on every word. How relevant this is as when faced with fear and misfortune these tendencies come to the fore. Many thanks for the wisdom guidance and comfort you share.

    1. Cassandra,

      Absolutely! Our fears and core beliefs come racing to the surface when we are under stress. It is an incredible opportunity to allow the refining fire of God to work in us all during this time. I love how gold refiners keep skimming the dross off of the surface until they can see their reflection in the gold. That is exactly what God wants to do with us during trials.

      Much love!

    1. Amber W.,
      It is a very foundational topic, yes! If we can get our hearts and minds wrapped around the difference between God’s responsibilities, other people’s responsibilities, and our own, we are on the path to peace and healthy relationship.

      Stay tuned! We’ll be talking about how we can react when we feel controlled by someone next week. <3

      1. Thanks for sharing! I wrote a blog post about control, so this is so refreshing to hear that you wrote about this topic. I had struggled with the spirit of control & have been studying scriptures to keep renewing my spirit from that spirit. I know God can heal, so I’ve had to press into Gods Word to be delivered from having a controlling spirit. Can you relate?

  2. I realized again that I am so controlling. I will emotionally manipulate others to get my way in desperate situations. I will repent of this sin. Thank you for giving good examples and making this clear to me. Please write more about how to stop being controlling.
    Thank you! I love your blog and books. They have helped me so much to be a respectful wife and a better follower of Christ.

    1. Yorkie,

      What a blessing to be able to see this! It is a huge step toward healing.

      I plan to write a lot more posts on stopping control and ways we can honor and respect others, especially our husbands.

      You can also search my blog for things like:
      the pain that pushes us to control
      the cure for my compulsion to control
      becoming fearless
      8 powerful keys to real peace
      killing bitterness
      look upward
      Look inward
      Look outward at others in divine new ways

      Much love!

  3. Here is something I shared on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB page today that may be a blessing:

    Usually, a woman who struggles with control experienced some major trauma or pain when she was young. She did the best she could to deal with it but ended up with warped thinking that was never corrected. She needs spiritual and emotional healing.

    PARENT ISSUES

    Perhaps a girl’s parents were addicts, very sick, traumatized, severely injured, or absent. Maybe a daughter took on too much responsibility early on, thinking the other parent or her siblings couldn’t survive without her. Maybe she tried to be a mother to her siblings because of the real or perceived lack of parenting from her mom. She may have tried to “be the adult” because maybe the adults weren’t taking care of their responsibilities properly in her mind.

    When parents aren’t able to care for her or her siblings well, a girl may start to think that is how God is, too. Weak. Wimpy. Or Unavailable. And that the only one she can depend on is herself.

    A TRAUMA OR TRAGEDY

    Or maybe a girl made a mistake that led to someone getting injured. Or she just happened to be around when something awful happened and she believed it was her fault. She lived with crushing guilt over the terrible thing that happened and vowed never to let someone she loved get hurt again.

    WRONG THEOLOGY

    She could have also had a pastor who focused on her responsibility to witness to others but didn’t talk about the Holy Spirit opening people’s eyes or the sovereignty of God. Maybe the church didn’t talk about each person’s responsibility spiritually either (Rom. 1). She may have misunderstood and taken on the entire burden of being personally responsible for other people’s salvation and relationships with the Lord.

    Those three things are very heavy spiritual/emotional weights for children to carry.

    CULTURAL SUPPORT

    Our culture supports women taking charge and being controlling. It is celebrated and encouraged. Disrespect for others, especially husbands, is mainstream. Most wives have friends who also encourage husband bashing and support the wife trying to control things as the way marriage should be.

    I know that for people who can see this issue clearly, it is extremely obvious what responsibilities belong to God, others, and ourselves. But for someone who developed skewed thinking as a child that was never corrected, it can be very hard to see things clearly. Especially when those around us endorse our mindset.

    A MISERABLE WAY TO LIVE

    I don’t believe most people who are trapped in this mindset intend to harm others. They are deceived. They think they are helping and loving them in many cases in the only way they know how. They are anxious, afraid, lonely, frustrated, and exhausted but they don’t know there is hope. And most husbands, friends, or other family members may not realize how deep the issue goes or how to address the core problems.

    In my experience, the real root issue is they believe the responsibility is legitimately theirs to keep people they love from harm and to make things work out right for God’s will.

    The weight is exceedingly burdensome but they don’t know that they can set it down. They think others will be hurt if they let go. They can’t bear the thought of being irresponsible or slack.

    These women are trying so hard to love others and they feel unappreciated yet have no idea what is wrong. They think if everyone will just do what they say then everything will be fine. They don’t realize they can’t see clearly. They need someone to throw them a rope. Not to condemn them but to give them hope and a way out of their dark dungeon.

    THERE IS HOPE IN JESUS!

    Examining our core beliefs about our identity, God’s identity, and others can be painful and difficult work. It’s scary stuff, at first—looking at your most basic beliefs and realizing some of the things you embraced as truth for decades are wrong and needs to be torn out of your life and completely rebuilt.

    Some people are too afraid to even go there. But it is a necessary part of finding healing and freedom in Christ. It takes courage. And it is worth it!

    Here are the basic steps to freedom from a controlling mindset:

    1. We humbly admit that we have been wrong. We have been sitting on the throne of our lives thinking we knew best, trusting ourselves. But our wisdom is toxic.

    2. We must get down off of the throne, accepting we are not God. We turn from our wrong thinking and repent. We realize we have built our lives on sinking sand.

    2. We acknowledge that Jesus is God and He, alone, is Lord of all and Lord of our lives. We acknowledge that His wisdom is infinitely greater than our own. We invite the Prince of Peace to reign on the throne of our hearts from this moment on.

    3. We ask God to change us and make us more like Jesus. We are willing to let Him examine the darkest corners of our minds and hearts and we are willing to get rid of anything He says has to go.

    4. We build our lives on Christ and the Solid Rock of His Word. We align our hearts, minds, and lives with the Bible.

    My prayer is for God to bring about His healing for us all through the power of His love, His Word, His truth, and His Spirit.

    “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt. 11:28-30

    If you are struggling with control and don’t know how to find freedom in Christ, reach out to me! I’ll be glad to share any resources I can to bless you and help you find the abundant spiritual life that is freely available to you in Jesus Christ. <3

    That is what I hope to help women do on my sites and in my books, "The Peaceful Wife" and "The Peaceful Mom." (Available on Amazon, Christian Book, and Barnes and Noble online.)

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