An Amazing 3 Year Update – by the Satisfied Wife!

The first 2 years of my journey were still a very big mix of ups and downs for my husband and me. Of course things got a lot worse before they got better, but over the first 2 years, it was a matter of my learning what it means to really be a wife, how to respect my husband, and how to trust God.

WHERE WORDS ARE MANY, SIN IS UNAVOIDABLE (Prov. 10:19)

The biggest thing that changed my marriage and the way we function together was me learning when to keep quiet, and to let my husband lead and make the major decisions (if we couldn’t agree). In the end, I truly learned that God is in control, and that He truly does lead us through our husbands if we let Him.
For a long time in the first 2 years, I didn’t talk much. If I did talk, it was something that had to do with our immediate life like what was for dinner, what was going on with my son, or stuff like that. I stopped talking and started mostly just listening to what he told me in terms of his own life struggles, etc…
I stopped giving him advice and telling him what was wrong with him and his life, basically.
If my husband asked me questions about myself or anything, I shared then, but usually only then. Sometimes, he would go a week without much verbal connection.
Sure enough, three years later, he does ask me what I think about certain things and situations that he is in or that we might be putting ourselves in. He does want to know my opinion sometimes about work stuff, about if we should move again, or what I think about certain things. So things have definitely improved in that way for sure.
I have become very close with a trusted girlfriend, so when I have tough emotions or just want to talk to someone supportive in life, I talk to her, not my husband. Not because he won’t support me, per se, but because I’ve learned to talk to a woman because ultimately, only a woman can understand how I feel sometimes!
A Note From Peaceful Wife
There are times when we may want to prayerfully consider cutting back a lot on our talking, especially we have a history of saying a lot of negative or hurtful things or if we have been trying to lead or control our men.
  • The goal is NOT for me to stop talking entirely or for me to become a passive doormat.
  • The goal is to let my hurting husband have some time and space to heal and to begin to feel safe again and to give him a break from me being overbearing, if I have been.
  • He may need some emotional and verbal space for awhile, if I have been verbally trying to control him for a long time. 
  • If you tend to be too quiet, you may need to move in the opposite direction. You may need to start speaking up more often. The key is that we seek to find God’s healthy balance. That we use our words to speak life and use our words for good, not to destroy our husbands.
I need to allow the Holy Spirit to control my tongue. I need God’s help so I seek to avoid sinning verbally against my husband. I want to stop criticizing, speaking negatively, bossing him around, giving unsolicited advice, insulting him, etc… This is not so that I will “have no power” in the relationship, but simply so that I honor the Lord and stop tearing my husband down.
This doesn’t mean I should never share my feelings. I DO need to share my feelings, thoughts, and concerns at appropriate times. Thankfully, I can learn to do this in respectful ways. I want to be thoughtful and prayerful about what is helpful to share and what would not be helpful. In time, as my husband heals and feels safer with me, most likely, he will begin to care a lot more about my feelings when he sees that I respect his feelings.
Greg and I experienced this same kind of healing in our relationship as I allowed God to help me stop hurtful words and learned to give him more space, too.

A NEW CHAPTER FOR US

Over the past year things changed completely and have been steadily getting better and better. The thing that helped me over the past year was again me realizing that my purpose is to be my husband’s helpmeet, not to try to lead him or our family.
This perspective launched our family into new territory and brought so many blessings. My husband had been wanting to move closer to where his work has been over the past 4 years, and I always objected to moving because I liked our house and town.
But last year, I saw that it was not my place to make that final decision, so I followed my husband’s lead and we moved to a new state, a new town, and a new house that is so much more spacious and better meets our needs. My husband also encouraged me to take a leap of faith and pull my son back out of public school, take him off his ADHD meds, and let him learn in a natural way and in our natural environment.
It has been the best year of our lives!

A SOURCE OF MUCH OF MY DIFFICULTY

After SO MANY years of struggling, heartbreak, and me feeling like things were hopeless, I discovered the most amazing thing to help me better cope with life and my emotions —- SLEEP!
For years I would set my alarm to wake up at 4:00am and stay continually sleep-deprived. Last year, I finally decided this was hurting me, so I let my body adjust into it’s natural sleep cycle and I wake up whenever my body wakes me up. (Now that my son is not in public school, we are free to do this.) I have never felt more alive and well balanced in my life! I had been putting so many unnecessary expectations on myself for so long, and finally, when I let nature have it’s way, I found out that I was missing out on so many things.
I now have full energy every day, and I have been able to re-engage with all of my interests that I put aside for lack of energy over those years. I got into a regular exercise routine and have even been getting back into touch with my creative side by doing art classes at the library and making scrap books. I regret wasting so much time focusing on minor issues and problems that seemed unsolvable, all while letting my life pass me by while I sat in a state of utter misery!

THINGS I HAVE BEEN LEARNING

My husband has had a porn addiction since he was a young teenager. I didn’t know how to deal with this, and it has been a major battle in our marriage. But almost a year ago, I came across a FREE and amazing program for wives** who are married to porn addicts, that helps women learn how to understand the addiction, how to support their husbands in recovery, and how to take care of themselves in the meantime.

I learned so many amazing things:

  • My worth doesn’t come from my husbands actions, but rather, I have worth simply because God made me and I am His child.
  • To separate my husband’s (and other people’s) actions from my self-worth and in turn have been so much happier. Things that used to send me off an emotional cliff now have little power over me.
  • To focus on my own well-being and my own actions instead of looking to my husband to make me feel any kind of way.
  • To “respect” myself and to gain control over my emotions and actions, something I have never been able to do before, EVER!
  • To focus my thoughts on what is good and right and true, and to keep worry and stress and fear to a minimum.

I studied the brain science behind all of that, and have found significant evidence that what we think about truly impacts how we feel, and it all stems back to the brain chemicals that our body releases when we think a thought.

  • When we have good thoughts, we feel good.
  • When we have bad ones, we feel bad.

It is simple, yet life changing when you apply the information.

So this is where I am! I am happy, thankful, blessed. I am healthy and living life to the fullest with my husband and son.

MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN CHANGING, TOO!

Many wives will wonder—has my husband changed at all over these three years?

ABSOLUTELY!
My husband has learned to get a grip on his own emotions and has learned to hear my point of view. He now gives me the freedom to be who I really am. We hardly argue anymore (and it’s been over a year so I know it’s not just for a short amount of time). My husband has been able to relax more in my presence, and open up about his own struggles and frustrations in life.
We have had many good memories over the past year. He is more willing to spend his free time with my son and me and has showered me with little gifts and things to show his love and appreciation for me.

But has his basic personality changed?

Not really. He is still very quiet, to himself, introverted, not needing much affection or even attention.
But I changed by learning to accept who he is, and finding my own ways to get my own needs met. I stay engaged in my own activities, and focus on my responsibilities, and do things that I enjoy in life. Then I feel fulfilled whether he is meeting my needs or not.
Once I let go of trying to make things be the way I thought they should be, and instead focused on the things I could change (my own habits, time management, choices, etc.), things have only been getting better.
I feel balanced emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I rest in the fact that Jesus died for me, and that He has been working in me all these years for good. I have nothing to worry about. I am blessed. I am thankful.
I pray this update blesses you, and maybe many others! 🙂 Sending love your way!
**Curethecraving.com has a page for wives. You sign up with your email and start receiving a weekly recorded call that you can listen to from your phone or computer, and it takes you through so many amazing steps to find healing and balance in your own life! I owe all these good changes to this program. The couple who do the program are Christians as well.
(From Peaceful Wife – Note, I have not personally completely examined this resource. Please use prayerful discernment with any teaching material and test to be sure it is biblically sound. Thank you!)
RESOURCES
Previous Posts by The Satisfied Wife

17 Replies to “An Amazing 3 Year Update – by the Satisfied Wife!”

  1. I can pretty much say Ditto to this!! Much progress has been made in my own marriage as I’ve learned to stop the negative comments, controlling attitude, and accept my husband for who he is. Understanding that I have so very much to be thankful for with him and focusing on those things. Just understanding my role a lot better & what I need to do. Thank you for sharing!!

  2. So happy to hear this update! What a huge blessing. You are living testimony to the power of patience and perseverance. It’s hard to believe these situations can turn around but they do! I have experienced the same in my life! This blog has been a lifeline. Bless you for your example, and may you and your husband continue to thrive in love and peace. And bless April for all her efforts to help our marriages be transformed.

    Much love!! Hope

    1. Hope,

      It is great to hear from you. And it sounds like things are going better? I’m thankful this post was a blessing.

      Much love! 💕❤️💗

    2. Y:es, thankful for April and her sharing her wisdom!! It took me awhile to actually SEE what I was doing.

  3. Satisfied wife, so happy to see an update from you! I’m still here just usually don’t comment 🙂 so happy that things are going so well for you and your family and in your marriage. This is such a great testimony of what God can do when we let Him work in our lives. Everything you shared I can add my confirmation as well. Things are better in my family and marriage than they have ever been. Gods ways are good!

  4. I can also say ditto to this! A very similar story here 🙂 I remember coming across this blog after I had been married for 6 months… I was only 20 years old. Now going on almost 7 years of marriage, I can NOT believe the work God has done in me, my marriage and my husband. He is still the same in many many ways.. He still has not changed in the ways I so desperately wanted him to early in my marriage. But the difference now, instead of having a hatred for his actions and ultimately him, I love the man I married. I accept him. It’s a nice and freeing feeling. I trust God to him, and you know what, in many ways he HAS changed. For good 🙂 But the big work has been in ME. My heart. I am so thankful!!!!!!! I E V E N *enjoy* being quiet now!!!! LOL Where I once felt like I had absolutely zero control over my tongue, I now delight in the holy spirit having full reigns. Thank you Jesus for what you’ve done in me!!!!

    1. Learning Wife,
      It is such a treat to hear from you! Your update fills my heart with joy!!

      Thank you for taking this journey with us. I praise God for all He has done and will do in your life!! 🤗

      Much love,
      April

  5. Does anyone have any advice for me? A wife who’s hubby used to be super involved in church.. super “spiritual” would pray with me often- read books about the Holy Spirit, read his bible, listen to Christin music, have high morals… it’s what attracted him to me in the first place! who now only prays the same prayer before we eat, never reads his bible or listens to Christian music.. never serves at church, really into material things, cusses a lot.. he still has a heart for people.. he also provides and protects me and loves me well. But he doesn’t give any spiritual guidance any longer and doesn’t seem to care much about the “things of God” it is very disheartening to me, sad and discouraging to me, since I am growing in my faith and more on fire than ever.
    It makes me feel really sad and down.. I don’t want to force him to be “spiritual” I try to win him without a word.. I actually say LESS in my marriage than ever before. Where I used to criticize and share my opinion a lot. Now I do not. I’m not sure what I need to do as a wife, if I need to confront this or just leave it and pray. I want to have a family and his shift in focus is really making me overly anxious and worried to have him be a dad right now.. since the one thing I want is for him to be the godly man I married.. thank you to anyone willing to help or offer advice!

    1. Sarah Lee,
      That can be a very tough situation. I feel your pain deeply in your words. There are no instant answers, however, I have a lot of posts on the issue of being married to a husband who is far from Christ.

      You are welcome to search things like:
      – influence husband for Christ
      – encourage husband to lead
      – Satisfied Wife
      – Fellow Wife
      – Radiant
      – contentment in Christ
      – trials
      – emotionally shut down husband
      – prayer to change spiritual atmosphere
      – husband idol
      – secret idol
      – unbelieving husband
      – my demon
      – how Satan wants to destroy your marriage
      – what is respect in marriage?
      – 8 keys to real peace

      The biggest key is – focus on your walk with Christ. Yield yourself fully to His Lordship. Seek to set the godly example, not with lectures or criticism but with your respectful, Spirit-filled example.

      If he has been through some very difficult situation that shook his faith, God may use your joy, peace, and faith to inspire your husband. And He can use this trial to help you grow like crazy in your faith.

      also, I highly recommend Nina Roesner’s eCourse, “Becoming a Woman if Strength and Dignity.” This time of trial may be a springboard to some of the most incredible spiritual growth for you, if you are open to Him. 💜❤️💜

      You are not alone! 🤗

      Praying for you both!

  6. I’m so sorry to hear that you and your husband don’t verbally connect that often. Statistically, relationships in which partners act as friends as well as romantic partners are happier and last longer than relationships in which the friendship aspect isn’t there, and I believe it. It’s so important for couples to be friends and be able to talk, laugh, and support each other as best friends would. I recently went through a hard time and I don’t know what I would’ve done without my guy! He let me text him all night, he took me out for coffee to take my mind off of things, and he was just genuinely caring and supportive. And I’m caring and supportive of him, too. He’s not as much of a talker when it comes to his personal struggles, but I’ll listen even if he just wants to tell me about his weekend with friends. And we have our moments of just laughing together like best friends. It’s great, and it’s also so valuable for all couples to have this sort of connection (and more than weekly!). I would definitely recommend that any couple struggling try to build this foundation of friendship! As statistics say, once you genuinely like being around someone and spending quality time with them, you’ll still be there when romance has to take a back seat!

    1. Just a Girl,

      Thanks for sharing a bit about your relationship. How great to hear that things are going very well!

      Yes, it is wonderful when spouses can be very close friends. It would be fantastic if every marriage was built on a strong friendship. Many times, a marriage does start out with both spouses being strong friends. And then, sometimes, things begin to unravel.

      This particular wife’s marriage has healed a LOT over the past few years, which I want to celebrate. And I have no doubt there will be even more healing to come. They are talking MUCH, MUCH more now than before. And they are respecting each other and supporting each other so much more than ever.

      Sometimes spouses get all the emotional/spiritual support they need only from each other. But just about all of us can benefit from having some dear friends, as well. That is also a wonderful blessing and part of the beauty of the Body of Christ.

      Much love!

  7. It really helped me what you shared about having a close friend who understands you better- I have that and was feeling convicted about it thinking my husband should be my best friend. Also the part about not focusing on how it should be- I am constantly sad that our marriage is so mediocre, flat out boring most of the time (married 26 yr). I feel really starved for affection so the part you said about finding other ways to meet my needs was helpful. Thank you!

    1. Lucky Lucy,

      A woman’s emotional needs can be pretty overwhelming for a husband, at times. Sometimes, having a close, trusted girlfriend and prayer partner can be such a blessing. We wives all need older, more experienced, godly women who can bestow wisdom on us and pray with us.

      Different spouses have different personalities and expectations for what emotional/spiritual/physical intimacy should be like. It can be easy to get frustrated when we don’t feel as connected as we want to feel. I actually have some posts about that issue if you are interested.

      Much love!

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