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“My Husband Was Out Late with a Friend – Again!”

 

I’m so excited about this guest post by a new guest contributor, Fortified in Christ.  The dilemma that this precious young wife experienced is one that so many of us can relate to. It is spiritual warfare. I appreciate her honesty, transparency, and the rawness of the struggle she shares with us. And it seems to invariably happen that when I post someone’s story about spiritual warfare, they experience quite a bit of attack from the enemy. Please do pray fervently for her with me – for God’s protection for her and for her marriage and for God’s greatest glory and victory in the trials she is experiencing this week.

BACKGROUND

My marriage is just over a year old. I married a wonderful man who is very warm and caring towards everyone. The goodness of his heart can be clearly seen in the way he relates to his friends. However, this very same thing that attracted me to him has caused a lot of strife in our marriage.

  • From the beginning of our marriage, I thought that my husband gives his friends an excessive amount of his time and attention.

He jumps as soon as they call him to invite him to hang out, do them a favor, or lend them money. This has caused me a lot of hurt and pain because it makes me feel as if I am very low on his list of priorities. This has caused many arguments between us and a lot of frustration on both our parts. My verbal pressure on him to spend less time with his friends and more time with our son and me mostly fell on deaf ears. He couldn’t understand why I was being so demanding and I couldn’t understand why his friends were so important to him. He said that I was always complaining and making demands and he was getting tired of it.

Because of the constant conflict on this issue, I made a commitment to search for my peace, happiness, and sense of security from Christ and not my husband. I realized that there was nothing I could do to make him change his point of view but I had the power to work on changing my own.

I read as many posts as I could find on this blog. I was very inspired by two articles in particular: Finding Contentment in Christ Alone Through Painful Trials and Waiting Becomes Sweet. Still hoping to become my husband’s #1 priority, I was inspired to believe that the time of waiting for his heart to be turned more toward me and less toward his friends could be a sweet time where I grow closer to God.

A TEST

One afternoon, my husband left home at 4pm to help a friend buy some furniture and transport it to his house. He said that they would be going to a furniture store nearby and I assumed that he would be back at home around 6pm. As it turned out, he didn’t get home until about 8:45. Between about 6pm and 8pm when he didn’t get home when I expected him to, my heart and mind began spiraling out of control. I was really hurt and angry and filled with sadness, assuming that after buying the furniture, he decided to hang out with his friend for a few hours and leave me at home by myself.

I was thinking that I could no longer tolerate his obsession with his friends and I should just take our baby and stay at a hotel for a few days and ignore his phone calls to punish him and show him how it would feel to live without us for a while. I actually called a hotel nearby to find out what their daily rates were. I changed my mind about the hotel and then considered locking him out of our bedroom and leaving a note on my bedroom door saying that he needs to sleep on the couch.

I was fighting back tears as I was bathing my baby and putting him to sleep. I began thinking that if he continues like this, I would eventually have to divorce him and raise our son by myself. I began fantasizing that I would punish him by only allowing him to visit his son once a week for 2 hours because “he doesn’t deserve any better. He cares more about his friends than his son anyway. He’s not ready to be a family man and maybe he never will be. I’ll look for another man who really appreciates me and who likes to spend time at home with me.”

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Around 8pm, I realized that I was really getting off track and being overly dependent on my husband’s time and attention for my happiness. I reminded myself that my joy should come from Christ instead of my husband and that I was responsible for my own happiness. I decided to calm myself down and make myself happy by watching my favourite show on Netflix.

VERY DIFFERENT RESULTS

By the time he got home at 8:45pm, I was calm, happy, and peaceful. I asked him in a friendly way why he took so long to come home and he explained that his friend had heard about a cheaper furniture store in another town nearby so they went there instead. They had to battle through rush-hour traffic and a long wait at the store. He was sweaty and exhausted from lifting the furniture into his truck and then setting up the furniture into his friend’s house. His friend is almost 70 years old and could not help with lifting the furniture. I offered him sympathy, rubbed his back and we cuddled lovingly on the couch for a while and then we cooked together. What could have been a horrible night filled with anger, hostility, and revenge turned out to be a peaceful and loving night.

I was truly amazed by this experience. I was shocked at how quickly my mind got so off track and that I was considering punishing my husband and ultimately divorcing him over something as innocent as his helping out an elderly friend. I’m even more amazed at how quickly I was able to calm myself down and refocus on Christ and take responsibility for my own happiness. I’m so glad that I was able to allow the peace of Christ to rule in my heart (Col 3:15), instead of being controlled by anger and hardness of heart.

This experience taught me the following:

  1. I get to choose what rules in my heart: the voice of the Accuser or the peace of Christ.
  2. Whenever I notice that my mind and heart are spiraling into a cesspool of negativity, blame, anger, and sadness, I need to take my thoughts captive for Christ.
  3. I need to seek my contentment in Christ, not in my husband’s attention. This will help me to avoid a lot of marital strife and bring peace into my home.

 

Nothing external in my marriage has changed, but my heart has definitely changed. It now feels like it’s full to overflowing with a peace that passes all understanding. It has given me real inspiration to continue seeking Christ and building myself on His Word.

 

FROM PEACEFUL WIFE

Praise God that this husband did NOT come home before 8pm that night! It could have been a marriage-ending evening if he had. May this post remind each of us of the enemy’s tactics and help us to be alert and better prepared for his subtle attacks – as well as being alert to our own sinful nature. He uses very similar methods with almost all of us. When I notice that I am full of anger, resentment, hostility, and accusations against my husband (or someone else), these are big red flags that there is a spiritual battle going on. The flesh is trying to take over and give the Holy Spirit the boot.

It’s not wrong for a wife to want to be with her husband. But if he decides to help a friend or do something else, the way we respond should be gracious and without resentment.

The Accuser wants me to listen to his smooth voice and to side with him in becoming his mouthpiece into my marriage. He wants me to savor feeling like a victim. He loves for me to be upset, freak out, assume the worst about my husband, and assume the worst about God. He wants me to respond in the flesh and forget about living in the Spirit of God. He delights in me listening to his accusations against my husband and joining in with him against my husband to create division.

The closer I am to the Lord, the more quickly I can recognize the enemy’s voice and immediately reject it and run into the arms of Jesus for protection, truth, and shelter. I can’t afford to listen to the enemy’s accusations against my husband. I can’t afford to play with destructive, sinful thoughts. They have to go the second I realize the thoughts are a temptation. I must resist the devil and submit myself fully to Jesus (James 4:1-12)

Fortified in Christ’s story reminds me very much of some previous posts that may be a blessing:

A FINAL THOUGHT FROM FORTIFIED IN CHRIST

Strife, jealousy, fits of anger and divisions are works of the flesh and we are not to make provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

  • Galatians 5: 19-21
    Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
  • Romans 13:14
    But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

SHARE

If you have a story that is similar where you were focusing on some really terrible things but then began to focus on the Lord, we’d love to hear about it! Or if you are struggling in this area and want to discuss it, please let us know.

Much love!

CLICK HERE FOR MY LATEST YOUTUBE VIDEO – “RESPECT BASICS”

TO CONNECT ON MY PEACEFUL WIFE BLOG FACEBOOK PAGE – Click Here.

REMINDER – My sites are designed very specifically for women. Men may certainly read them, as well. But my sites are quite purposely one-sided because I don’t offer instruction to men. This is out of respect for God’s Word that says that women are not to teach men or have authority over men in the church. Husbands and wives are each accountable to the Lord for themselves. It is not only wives who are to submit to the Lordship of Christ and who are to allow the Lord to change them. All of us have sin issues to deal with and we are all called to holiness, selflessness, obedience, godly love, dying to self, humility, etc… as followers of Christ. Here are some resources for husbands.

92 thoughts on ““My Husband Was Out Late with a Friend – Again!”

  1. Wonderful, may God continue to bless your marriage Fortified in Christ.
    I have read that the four ordinary works of the devil to look out for are deception, division, diversion and discouragement. I have found this helpful to know when discerning my thoughts.
    Jesus I trust in you.

  2. I really needed this!!! This is exactly what’s been going on in my marriage. Been married, not quite two years and everyone loves my husband. He’ll do anything for anyone. Now sometimes I feel like he doesn’t put me first. I get upset and throw a fit. But it only makes matters worse and he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve been praying about it. I love my husband, but I’m pushing him away…… With my mouth! 😢

    1. Stacy,

      I have definitely been there, too. If you’d like to talk through this issue some more, I’d be glad to hash through it with you.

      And here are some posts that may be a blessing:

      17 Tips to Ask for Things You Desire Respectfully
      When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage
      25 Ways to Be a Safe Place for Your Husband Emotionally
      Honoring Christ, Our Husbands, and Our Marriages in Conflict

      Thankfully, God can empower us to take our thoughts captive for Jesus so that we don’t have to go on these terrible downward spirals into resentment and bitterness. And we can learn to approach our husbands in ways that are much more attractive. We can even be content when they are out helping their friends.

      Much love to you!

  3. Thank you! And it always helps to talk to someone. I will look at those posts you shared with me. I need lots of help. But I know we can do all things through CHRIST!! 💜💜

    1. Stacy,

      My husband wasn’t out with friends, but often spent about 6 nights per week for many months or years at a time working on renovating our house after working a full time job all day. How I would resent him at times for that. Of course, he was doing all of that hard work for me to bless me and our family. I can see that now. But I did not know about taking my thoughts captive for the first 14 years of our marriage and I sure let myself think and say some terribly destructive things during that time.

      After you read those posts, and maybe some of the ones on today’s post, as well, let me know what the Lord speaks to you and if you want to talk some more.

      This is such an important thing for us to learn. I’ll gladly do anything I can to point you to the healing and wisdom that is available to you in Jesus.

      Much love!

      1. Thanks again! My husband has been working out of town for a few months. When he gets home on the weekends I want him all to myself, But His friends want to spend time with him too and I get so jealous. Sometimes I try to control what he does. I’ve asked God to forgive me for being selfish. I’ve really been trying to work on it. After reading some of the posts today, I’ve been humble and have been NICE. It has paid off. Sometimes I don’t hear from my husband all day, today, he’s already called me twice. Trying to pray more and thank God more. Because even though I complain to my husband, he really shows me more love than most men show their wife. I feel like this is a trial to bring me closer to God and not just my husband. 💜

        1. Stacy,
          I think you are right! If only we could see that in the trenches that these trials will strengthen our faith and love for God and our marriages, many times, as we trust and obey the Lord and wholeheartedly follow Him. So thankful to hear about what God has been doing. It is beautiful!

  4. My best friend married a man that continued to live like a bachelor even after they married but she determined right after her wedding day that she would never nag, scold, or manipulate her husband. Yes, it was difficult when he would be out at night so often while she was raising her young children but she continued to treat him with love and respect. He adored her and eventually began spending more time at home with her and the children. She won him without a word by living in subjection to him with a meek and quiet spirit. God’s perfect prescription for her! Unfortunately, he died from brain cancer a year after they had their third child but thankfully, she had given him seven wonderful years of being his wife and mother to his children.

    1. Lori Alexander, Thank you for sharing about this wife’s faithfulness and godly example. How sad to hear about his untimely death! But I am grateful that she lived in ways that were honoring to the Lord and glad that he eventually changed and spent more time with his family.

  5. I just want to say your blog is saving my marriage. Almost every single one of your posts speaks to me. I am having a hard time learning not to find my happiness in my husband but in Christ alone. I have never understood what that means or how to do it but I am learning! Thank you so much for all of the wonderful material here!

    1. Angela,

      What a precious answer to my prayers to hear how God is working in your heart! That is awesome!!

      If you want to talk about anything in depth, I am here. I’m glad to share anything I can that may be a blessing to your spirit and your marriage.

      Much love!

  6. This article came at such a perfect time. I woke up this morning with a bitter, critical spirit towards my husband and having sleep resentment. After reading this, it softened my heart. Thank you

  7. I’ve been married a long time and have done all the things that have been described that are wrong. I’ve learned a lot and things have improved. I don’t nag and have stopped complaining. I am learning to turn my sadness and loneliness over to Jesus. I am praying more.

    What I have noticed though is that while doing this is obviously the right thing, for me, it just reconfirmed a couple things that I knew and was trying to fix by controlling my H.

    One is that I can live without a close relationship with my H. Emotionally and spiritually. And two, he is not able to understand me or communicate with me in the way I’ve needed him to, and I am learning to make peace with that reality.

    We do not speak or perceive anything alike. He can live indefinitely without talking about anything that matters and isn’t interested in my thoughts or feelings. I know he loves me as he would any woman he’d married. He is nice and he has provided very well for our family. I have much to be grateful for.

    His needs, like most men are simple and with very little effort, are easily met on my side. Especially now that I’ve stopped wishing things we’re different and have just been doing what I’m supposed to.

    I see now that having an intimate friendship with my H has been an idol to me and I am learning to let that go.

    I have been suffering from depression for years due to this struggle. And family matters. My D is away at school all week, my S and his wife and new baby are moving away this week. Most of my relatives are dead. And my H travels much of the week for work. So it’s a. Big emotional time for me.

    What’s weird to me is how “happy” my H is to have me to himself. I’ve heard that a man gets married to have a woman and a woman gets married to have a child. The happiness I felt, and feel with my children and grandchild, is not anything like the best of times with my H. I’m sorry but it’s true. Maybe it’s because it seems that all H cares about us physical intimacy and that seems shallow and corrupted to me without an emotional intimacy.

    My love for my children and grandchild feels wholesome and fulfilling to me. if I could choose my life right now, my family would live near us and we’d see each other often.

    Your book and blog have helped me a lot to face reality and focus on obtaining peace. I’m not there yet, but I know it’s an ongoing thing to get rid of idols and due to self.

    1. Lisa,

      I can relate a lot to what you are describing. I used to expect Greg to meet all of my deepest needs for emotional connection. To me – that meant I wanted him to be available to have face-to-face conversation about things that were important to me (feelings, relationships, spiritual things) for about 4-6 hours per day. That was truly my expectation going into marriage. Boy was I surprised when the first 3 months of our marriage, Greg and his dad were fixing up an old house for us to live in after their day jobs until about 1am 6 nights per week. That was my first taste of extreme disappointment because I felt Greg had failed me. I felt he didn’t love me because he wasn’t emotionally connecting with me. He thought he was loving me by providing a beautiful home for me to live in. We had very different ways of bonding and different priorities that I didn’t understand back then – or a number of other times, either.

      It is freeing to discover that men are not women. They don’t think like us. They don’t bond like we do. They don’t have the same needs. That was a big moment for me when I realized my husband wouldn’t be like my best girlfriend or like my twin sister. I’m thankful for the ability to let go of my unrealistic expectations.

      When we do have our husbands, or anyone or anything else, as idols – it absolutely leads to depression, anxiety, fear, discouragement, and even despair. Yep.

      I can feel in your words what an emotional time this is for you. You sure have a lot going on!

      I’d love for us as wives to realize that just like we tend to value emotional connection, our husbands tend to value physical connection. To many husbands, that sexual connection IS how they bond emotionally with their wives. It is what helps them feel super connected. But I sure understand your need for emotional connection.

      Emotionally connecting doesn’t tend to come naturally to a lot of husbands. But sometimes we can slowly, respectfully, gently ask for what we need and they can learn to give us some level of emotional connection. It won’t be the same degree of connection that we might have with a very close godly girlfriend. But if you are interested, we can talk about ways we could approach this issue of requesting what we would like.

      I can’t wait to see all that the Lord has in store for you, my precious sister!

      Much love!
      April

      1. I would love to talk about ways that a wife could respectfully approach her husband about requesting what she would like – especially in the area of emotional connection.

          1. Anne,

            Oh, and if you would like more emotional connection, that is sometimes not a need that men feel they have. But you can certainly say things like:

            – Hey, Honey, one of the ways I feel really connected to you and very loved is when I can just share about my day and you listen to me. It helps me feel heard and loved. Would you have about 10 minutes sometime tonight for us to do that? It would be such a blessing to me.

            – So, I am feeling sad today. I process my feelings by verbalizing them. What I need is someone to listen and sympathize for about 5 minutes and then I will feel a lot better. Could we do that after supper tonight? You would be my hero!

            Much love!

  8. Excellent story. I find myself in this position frequently. And every time I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, rather than my natural self, I am rewarded with increased peace and contentment by the Lord. Even if back rub/cuddles/cheerful husband isn’t part of the picture. Choosing to be calm and trusting sure beats crying myself to sleep every night- which is what I did for about a year. I’m glad so many wives are finding this blog and becoming empowered to improve their mindsets and hearts as I have.

    1. Hope,
      Thank you so much for sharing. There is incredible blessing when we yield to the Spirit rather than to our sinful nature. I long for us each to experience abiding in Christ like this and resting in His peace even when we don’t get what we want in the moment.

      Much love!

  9. After 15 years I am starting to think about separation. I know God got me through all the loneliness, the heartbreak, and sleepless nights. I know His love and kindness, His companionship changed me and kept me sane through all these years but I am at a time when I don’t want to do it anymore.
    I got tired.

    Nothing seems to help me to keep on going in this marriage. I read your blogs and your book, many others,too. I prayed and talked to God, He showed me what a beautiful and kind heart my husband has and how much God loves him. I loved him and kept quiet many, many times. I spoke nicely to him and kind. I supported him and gave him freedom. Yet, now I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to anymore.

    All of the things and situations coming my way got me to a place I had never been before. I am broken to the core.
    I need prayers for me! I can’t do it alone anymore.

      1. I had shut down a while ago,I stopped praying ,going to church or talking to people.I ended up so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed.It was a dark and nasty time for my soul,my heart and my children.This happened after about 2 years of a lot of small and big hurts coming from people who are the closests to me.Now I am recovering with God’s grace ,I asked God to forgive me for being angry with Him because I felt betryed by Him too.I am praying and prasing Him.I am at peace with God and my soul found peace in Him again.
        My heart though,is still in pain,lot of pain.So much happened that I am changed.
        I can’t make my heart,my mind and my will to fight anymore for my marriage.

        1. Ella,

          I wonder if you may just need to focus on your own walk with the Lord and healing for yourself spiritually right now? God can handle your husband and the marriage. Maybe you can let Him carry that weight as you focus on just receiving good things, love, truth, and contentment from Jesus?

          I’m so glad you are recovering.

          Do you want to talk a bit about what is going on with your marriage?

          Much love!

          1. My husband does a lot for us,it is a blessing and you would be quite gelous if you could see our life.He is very handy and can’t stay still.
            I always looked at what he does for us and appreciatted that .I took it as acts of love so I had to accept the way he shows me love and let go of my way,right?!But i didn’t feel loved.I couldn’t figure why so I worked on myself.I felt is my fault.I have to lower my standards and be satisfied.
            As of 2years ago I got my eyes open.He used good deeds to actually hurt me or to tell me that I hurt him.
            Let me explain with an example.I have an illness that when it strikes,there is nothing I can do but endure and go through it.Usually is between a couple of hours to 24 hours.On one of these times he was home and said he doesn’t know what to do with me.I told him,if he can take the kids and care for them so I can sleep that eay its easier for me to go through it and I get up faster .
            He takes them outside ,starts washing my car.Detailed wash.Five stars job.He spent 3hours on the car.
            The kids came inside ,with me and I was up caring to them.They are little.
            If I would say something to him about the kids being with me he would yell at them and I would be mean to him ,complaining when in fact he cleaned my car. At the end of the day,he helped and i am not up and running but stil sick so than he would have to go and help someone.I cant say don’t go to him because he is going to do a good deed.
            How would you handle that?All the time when I do something or I don’t do/say what he wants he is behaving this way.He never uses words to tell me when and how I upset/offend him.
            It might look like nothing to the outside but 15 years of this it is damaging .It causes so much confussion.
            Any thoughts on how to handle tthat?

          2. Ella,

            I have been working all day today, thank you for your patience! Is it possible for me to see one more example? I want to be sure I am seeing the whole picture clearly. ❤️

        2. Hi April,I truly want to thank you and your guests on this blog for your prayers!I had seen God’s hand last night in my life.
          I had been on this blog since the beggining ,I enjoyed all the posts from you and the other sisters.I used all the information from your husband’s blog and his recomandations.
          It took me a long time and a lot of praying and searching to figure out what was going on in our marriage.
          I couldn’t understand his behaviour so I worked on myself,I forgave him and prayed for him and our marriage.
          I ,eventualy,even found a few moms and met once a week to pray together for our children and husbands without talking about them with each other or our marriage struggles or issues.I didn’t have anyone to talk to and even if I did I don’t think they would believe me.
          He keeps his words to anyobody but me,he is helping all his friends and seems such a kind and good hearted man.Some are even jokingly saying he is the good one in our marriage.
          It is complicated to explain.

          1. I did went to counseling for myself.There was a time I thought I lost my mind.That is when I found that he is passive aggresive and i was sane ,though living with a passive aggressive type it is mentally and emotionaly abusing.

          2. Ella,

            If you live with certain types of personalities, they really can make you think you are losing your mind with manipulative tactics. Is that what you are dealing with? Gaslighting and things like that?

            How may we pray for you today?

  10. I started reading this blog when I was just a little over 6 months married. Respect was surprisingly something I never heard about and a foreign language so you can imagine it hasn’t been an easy journey.

    This week we will be going on 4 years of marriage. Just last night we had another argument. The same it’s been for years. He feels he can’t do anything right, he believes I think he is a failure. He doesn’t measure up. He’s always in trouble. When he feels this way it stems from me truly thinking, “Why is he doing this again? Why does he do this? Why didn’t he do this? This is not how real man would act. He stayed out too late again. He did something for someone else again and forgot what he said he’d do for me! He drank too much at his friend’s wedding. Shocker. What a loser. He never does anything romantic”…. the list goes on and on.

    I RELATE TO THIS WIFE TOO MUCH!

    The roller coaster of feelings and emotions and thoughts. After I was thinking those things and they were coming out in my words and actions and he blew up. Telling me what I said above.. how he can never do anything right etc. I go spend time with the Lord and realize WHAT A TERRIBLE ARGUMENTATIVE CONTENTIOUS CRITICAL WIFE I HAVE BEEN and I cry and repent to the Lord. And He brings to my mind ALL the amazing qualities my husband possess and how I am a brat. I then cry and apologize to my husband and he hugs me and tells me it’s ok! & that he will always forgive me!

    WHAT AM I DOING WRONG ?? WHY CAN I NOT GET THIS RIGHT 4 YEARS LATER!? 🙁 One minute I believe I married the most perfect man, The next minute he does or says one things I dislike and my attraction to him and thoughts of him are way off once again.

    🙁 This is so hard.

    1. Niki,

      Would you like to do a spiritual check up with me? 🙂

      Thank you so much for sharing and for reaching out, dear sister. This is a battle that we all face. The details are different. But some of the temptation is very similar.

      1. Niki,

        Awesome! Take your time to answer and then I will be glad to point you to the healing that is available to you in Jesus. 🙂

        1. How is your relationship with Christ going at this time? What do you do to draw near to Him? How much time do you spend with Him?

        2. Is your husband a believer in Christ?

        3. Do you feel you know what things are your triggers that tempt you to veer into dangerous thinking?

        4. What do you do when you first notice you feel irritated, frustrated, or resentful toward your husband?

        Much love!

        1. April,

          1. I always feel like my relationship with Christ is going well… I rarely feel far from Him because I know I have loving access to Him always. He truly is a dad to me. My relationship with Him is strong but I think sometimes I believe I know better… like not just better than God but like I know Him deeper so I know what pleases Him, so when I see my husband (who is definitely a believer!) not doing the things I believe pleases the Lord I get very angry… But I know my actions are not that of Jesus’ so something my be off. This is why i’m trying to really study Romans 14 to truly understand. I try to spend alone time with the Lord every day. But probably really spend time with Him 5 days a week. I read my devotionals every day though and do pray throughout the day. But when I really connect to his heart is in worship. I will play worship music and sing and pray out loud on my knees. This is normally when I will repent and cry. and I don’t do this often enough! Maybe once a month but whenever this happens and I make time for this, I always feel very connected to the fathers heart. I would like to point out though that I do know I AM SO FAR from perfect. I feel like I have wordly things down.. like I don’t care about things of this world and they mean nothing to me in my heart but my love forgiveness kindness patience etc. is where I do not feel like I am pleasing to the Lord.

          2. My husband Is a believer! Praise God! I had a terrible terrible realization yesterday. When he was telling me how I make him feel and how I’ve made him feel for years, I had flashbacks to when we first started dating. He had a very child like faith and in fact his love for God was what really drew me to him and the #1 reason I married him. His faith however has really seemed to become dim compared to what it used to be… and I feel like it’s my fault. I don’t feel like ive been encouraging enough or supportive, godly example enough or loving enough to help him sustain that deep faith and walk in confidence. I know I can not take full responsibility for his walk with Christ or lack there of or carry that burden but I do believe I have a big responsibility as his wife to support him along that walk and I felt this huge weight like I had caused him to go astray because of my attitude. This had me crying for a good hour. and made me feel extremely depressed and wishing I could start all over. My husband is definitely a man of God and a strong believer, however we do have very different convictions and this comes between us at times. I’m also trying to study Romans 14 to remember he doesn’t have to have the same convictions I do.

          3. I feel like my triggers are just certain things he does. Is that what you mean?
          -whenever he says he will do something and then doesn’t do it
          -whenever he spends too much time with his friends
          -whenever he drinks, dips or smokes. Which he does all 3 on occasion. Not obsessively. But I highly dislike them all. This one might be my biggest trigger and almost always causes me to treat him terribly. When we were dating he would text me throughout the day at work and say things like “I didn’t dip or smoke today and I feel so much better! Will you pray for me to have strength I really want to quit.” he would NEVER say this today. I have nagged and complained and criticized him so much for these things and literally at some points FLIPPED out that he does them behind my back. and a lot of times when we fight or he is stressed. I hate that I have pushed him to that. The exact opposite of what I wanted. I wish I could have still acted lovingly towards him when I saw him do those things but I just couldn’t. and now whenever any of those things are around he’s very stand offish and awkward towards me and then I get mad about that but he’s just trying to avoid conflict. and now I feel like he can’t be himself towards me.
          -whenever he does things last minute regarding “us” he never plans a date. he always gets me cards and gifts last minute on special occasions. like the day of. and I cant enjoy the gifts bc I am always angry he did them that day.
          -whenever he does or says anything or watches anything on tv that I feel is ungodly.
          -these are pretty much the basic ones. Other than these things he generally makes me very happy.

          4. As soon as I feel irritated.. the very moment something comes up that I don’t like my ENTIRE demeanor changes. its like a switch is flipped in my brain and heart. This is so awful to admit but i can’t get better if i am not honest. i immediately feel like I hate him. that’s the best way I can describe the emotion. My face, thoguhts, words, actions, everything changes and he notices. He once said to me ” I just wish when I did something you didn’t particularly agree with you would still act like you love me” This makes me sad bc he’s right. It’s almost like I don’t love him and I cant pretend… It’s something in my brain and I am having a hard time controlling it.
          Later I will pray and realize I was wrong! Mostly always. I have to always say sorry. but even when irealize my actions were wrong I still feel like what he does or did was wrong too so I just always feel justified.

          🙁 it’s terrible

          1. Hi Niki,

            I’m sure April will write back with something helpful and more comprehensive that what I’m about to say, but there were two things I thought of when I read your post that may be helpful. Both come from ideas that I read on Laura Doyle’s blog (she’s the author of “The Surrendered Wife”). She is a Christian (Methodist, I believe) but writes for Christians and non-Christians alike so she doesn’t really mention God in her posts.

            One thing she emphasizes is that what you focus on increases. She has some posts about the importance of finding three things per day (minimum) to thank your husband for. When you’re intentionally looking for things to be grateful for, it helps you focus on the good things and have a better attitude. Eventually, the good things start to be what you notice more.

            The other thing along those lines is that of what she calls the “spouse-fulfilling prophecy.” She says that when wives tend to have a negative spouse-fulfilling prophecy, like “he drinks too much” or “he never spends time with me” that what they are focusing on tends to increase. She had this really interesting post about a woman whose husband drank a lot. The woman had tried everything she could think of to convince her husband to drink less, but he wouldn’t. Finally, she adopted the spouse-fulfilling prophecy of “he doesn’t drink much” and started looking for evidence to support it. She noticed that he never drank at work and never drank and drove at the same time – both good things – and she started to feel less angry about his drinking. She started telling him that he didn’t drink much, even though she felt like she was lying. If he came home from a bar looking like he had one too many, she would say “it’s not like you to drink so much – you’re such a responsible, light-to-moderate drinker.” He would agree that she was right and that it wasn’t like him. Eventually he started drinking less because he was trying to live up to her words! Laura Doyle also tried this with her own husband, when she thought he didn’t make enough money. She started telling him that he was a good provider. Eventually, she started to believe he was a good provider, and he also started to make more money. By adopting this method, it’s likely that your husband will change, but even if he doesn’t, you get a better attitude out of it. 🙂

            I’ve noticed that my boyfriend is more religious and spirit-filled when I don’t nag him about spiritual things. I reminded myself that he’s already been saved, and that’s the most important thing. He would be fine even if he never did anything different (even if I sometimes wish he would). Telling myself this and working harder to say “huh” or “that’s interesting” if he disagrees with me on something spiritual (instead of arguing with him about it) helped me get a better attitude. Not that I’m perfect on this or anything – still have a lot to learn.

            Love,
            Flower

          2. Flower,

            :O wow…. Thank you for your response! This is very interesting. I do know that what you focus on increases. I’ve just never been able to bring myself to do this bc it would feel like I was lying, however it definitely would encourage my husband and allow him to feel I think highly of him. I believe this would motivate him to be better! Way more than my nagging… and then like you said… maybe I would eventually believe those things too?!
            It made me think of my body image… I used to feel so fat all the time and hated so many things about my body. Though I highly doubt my husband was trying to use reverse psychology on me lol he started telling me why he loved those things I hated and how he actually would prefer me to not lose any weight. It made me feel so much more confident in myself and I actually started to like those things about my body too and believe I am beautiful… I hardly ever criticize my body or say I am fat anymore… I am sure if I started encouraging my husband by saying I love certain things about his character and how to doesn’t over drink or do xyz or how he always gives great gifts and always keeps his word etc. He probably would be super motivated to actually do those things. I just pray I can get myself to get past my initial feelings of disappointment and use my words for good instead of bad!

            Thank you for your response. I also am going to start today with writing down 3 things I am thankful for and that I love about him.

            I truly appreciate having people to care enough to respond to me and I am thankful for this blog ive referred to for guidance for many years now! <3

          3. Hi Niki 🙂

            Yes, it does sort of feel like you’re lying at first! I started to try this with my bf with one particular issue and at first I did feel like a liar to think or say the positive spouse-fulfilling prophecy, but I think people naturally don’t want to lie, so if they force themselves to say something, they start looking for evidence to believe it! Funnily enough, in my case, after only a day or so, I started looking for positive evidence to support my “new” theory and am viewing this issue in a different and better light and it bothers me a lot less. 🙂

            Wow, I can definitely relate to you…. I hated my nose and really wanted a nose job until my boyfriend said he loved it! I was like, “well, if he likes it and thinks it’s attractive, I guess it’s not so bad after all” LOL!

            Best of luck with this! Don’t forget to lean on God too to help you 🙂 I think guys have some sort of built-in detector where they can tell if their gf / fiance / wife disapproves and it always seems to make them feel terrible about themselves 🙁

            Great! Writing things down to be thankful for is awesome, now try telling him to his face! Better results will follow if you tell him 😉

            Yes! I love this blog too. I don’t really have a place to go to to get this kind of godly, feminine, husband-honoring advice, so it’s great to know I can count on the ladies here 🙂

            Love,
            Flower

          4. Niki and Flower,

            I thought of it more like learning a new language. It did feel awkward to focus on the good things and to learn to speak respectfully – because I had been very critical and negative for so long. But it is amazing how when you do look at the good things and talk about the good things you actually see that are genuine, the more good things you see. 🙂

          5. niki,

            1. That sounds like some good things are going on there. Maybe there could be more time for worshipping Him and praying during the week? That may be a huge blessing. 🙂

            2. I’m glad you are able to see this now and that you want to begin to encourage and inspire him again. That is awesome!

            3. Here are some posts that may be helpful:

            Is My Husband Bound by My Personal Convictions?
            I Wish My Husband Would Quit Smoking Cigarettes
            When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage
            Valentine’s Day Expectations
            My Husband Watches TV Programs I Don’t Like (Youtube Video)

            Let me know what the Lord speaks to you. I believe there is so much healing for you and your marriage in these posts. 🙂

            4. What you are describing is that the flesh takes over. That is definitely a problem. It is sin. Drinking, dipping, and smoking are not necessarily sins. They are really bad habits and the tobacco things are terrible for people’s health. I don’t like the use of tobacco products either – and am allergic to smoke. So I am with you on not liking those habits. Alcohol can become an addiction. but the Bible doesn’t say that drinking alcohol is a sin. Being drunk is a sin.

            But I agree with your husband that you CAN still love him even if he has habits you don’t like. And if he is actually sinning, you can still love him but hate the sin.

            Are you to a place where you are ready to take responsibility for yourself spiritually and emotionally and be sure you are not responding in sin even if he has different personal convictions than you have?

            Let me know what God speaks to you in those posts I shared.

            Much love!

          6. Niki- your story is almost identical to mine, except my husband and I were not believers when we married and I was saved. April will probably agree that we have very similar situations with the dip and TV shows and buying stuff last minute. Spending is also a big issue for me. Now I’m trying to undo a lot of the damage that I’ve done. I wish I knew what I knew then and it wouldn’t be so hard now. You are me about 4 years ago and so was your husband. My husband used to be forgiving. But now he doesn’t care at all anymore about my feelings. I don’t nag about dip anymore or TV shows. Money is still a struggle with me. But it’s so much harder to undo the damage when your husband has shut you out than to change when he’s still forgiving and open. I didn’t know until it was too late. My husband used to be so romantic but nothing was good enough and now he doesn’t plan or buy me anything.

          7. Thank you April, I definitely will check these out. Maybe after I do so I can check in with you…
            I’m not sure if I am responding in the correct spot… but Lindsayyaks comment made me so sad 🙁 So sad for her and also I just appreciate her response because it really made me think, I do not want to get to the point where it’s too late! I want to change now. I really do. My husband is willing to forgive and I want to be a good wife. I need to get to the point where My #1 goal is pleasing Jesus Christ! Not my flesh… not my husband…. The best question you asked is if I am ready and in a place where i am ready to take responsibility for my self spiritually and emotionally and be sure i am not responding in sin even if he has different personal convictions than me and I SURE AM!!!!! I just don’t know how to keep my emotions and feelings a flesh in check and under control sometimes 🙁

          8. Don’t be sad, feel blessed that the Lord is showing you these things so early on! I am blessed too, because some people never learn the things that we are learning. The Lord first opened up my eyes to respect and what I was doing 2 years into my marriage, but I really wasn’t “getting it” until a few years ago. Yes, it is taken a much longer time to undo things and it is very difficult, sad, and lonely at times. But without all of this struggle, I would have never been saved. Through this struggle, I have grown so much spiritually and in strength (through Him of course). Hopefully my changes will help motivate my husband, but even if it doesn’t I am learning to lean on Him and being content in Him alone. Thankfully my husband and I have moments of connections still, although I am the one more disconnected now. I feel so tired and worn out from trying and that’s how I know I have to just lean on Him and let Him do the work in my husband now. I can’t change my husband only the Lord can. I can have some boundaries and protect my heart and work on myself and respect him no matter what and trust the Lord to work in my husband which I know he is.

          9. LinseyAK,
            That is a beautiful perspective. If this trial is what it took for you to come to know Christ and be with Him forever, it is certainly worth it! And, it may be the thing that God uses to bring your husband to Christ, too!

            I’m so glad you realize that when you are tired – it is a good sign to rest in Jesus and let Him do the heavy lifting. That is very wise.

            I LOVE what God is doing in your heart! It brings so much joy to me to see you growing.

            What a blessing to have this place where we can share together and encourage one another. Thank You, Lord!

            Much love!

          10. niki,

            It sure is better to learn this stuff earlier rather than later. But later is better than never! 🙂

            I have had two readers – to my knowledge – who learned this stuff and then their husbands suddenly died. One had 3 really good months with her husband and was able to have no regrets because things were so good those final months before his sudden passing. The other had about 2 years that were really great from the time she began learning.

            Life is so short. I want us all to live without regrets and to take the opportunity the Lord gives us to learn and grow and make the most of it so that we can receive all He has for us and we can be blessings to our men. This world is crazy. None of us are guaranteed we have years to make things right. So it is wise to use this time prudently and to seek to have things right with the Lord and right with our husbands and other people as far as it depends on us.

            It is an extremely valuable and precious blessing that it is not too late for you and that you can learn from other women’s mistakes and that your husband is ready to forgive. Not all women have these luxuries when they “wake up.”

            I am so excited that you are ready to take responsibility for yourself. That is the best place to be!

            Some posts that may be a blessing:

            Dealing with Annoying Things
            How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit
            I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
            I Am Responsible for My Emotions

            This one is, thankfully, not an issue you are dealing with. But the principles are the same.

            Much love! We are all walking beside you cheering you on and praying for God’s healing for you and your husband!

  11. Hi! I just wanted to thank you for every one of your posts. They have been of tremendous help for me since I wasn’t putting God first in my life and that was causing me to pursue my husband every single minute of the day in order to feel his love for me. I’m from Mexico and I’ve started to translate some of your articles for my mom to read them. I just pray that you may be blessed as much as I know many of us reading your blog are.

    1. Monica,

      I did exactly the same thing for many years in our marriage. That wasn’t a productive road to take.

      SO thankful to hear what God is doing in your heart! That is awesome! Feel free to translate and share with other ladies.

      I am incredibly blessed to get to be here and to have a virtual seat to watch God transform lives around the world. Sometimes, I feel like the most blessed woman on the face of the earth. God is so very good!

      Much love!

  12. From Radiant about dealing with spiritual attacks:

    I think that there is a lot of spiritual turbulence right now. One of our strongest prayer warriors is experiencing it a lot too. And I think if you are extra sensitive to spiritual things – sometimes you feel it even more – especially as depression, fear hopelessness.

    I also read a word lately that we are, as the Body, in a season of Transition. Just like with labor. What are the symptoms of that part of labor? Saying “I can’t keep going! This is too hard! I can’t do this. This won’t work!” Despair, hopelessness, lots of pain – because the baby is crowning – it’s the worst part – and what we have labored so long to bring into being is about to arrive.

    It’s the same with the season we are in as the Bride. We are at the tipping point. We are almost there. And it shows up in birth pains, difficulties, trials, attack, and feeling like it’s too foggy and hard to keep going. But Jesus is with us, He picks us up and breathes new life and healing. He lets us know the battle is worth it. These precious ones who are captive in darkness are worth it. Building up the Body is worth it. Saving the lost and partnering with God to build His Kingdom here is worth it!

    It is so easy when we are in pain or feeling foggy spiritually to keep our eyes on the waves, the pain, the discouragement, the fear and trials. But God is bringing us to a place where our Lamp won’t go out in the dark. To where we can stand in any shaking, earthquake, fire or storm. Everything that is not of Him is being shaken out of us. We are not used to that. But our old ways (even good ones) won’t stand up in the fires and floods of the current season.

    First and foremost we are His. We are our Beloved’s and He is ours. It is primarily His work we are doing. Unless the Lord builds the house or watches over the city – our work is in vain. So we give Him the attacks, the weariness, the burdens, the results. And we receive His light yoke, His protection, His love, and His peace.

    Instead of declaring war on strongholds – my mentor said let’s pray His love into the dark places. Into the hurting women and marriages and families from April’s blog. Into our cities. D.C. Our nation. Israel. North Korea.

    We can confess any pride, fear, anger, bitterness, burdens and anything that is allowing attack.

    Remember He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. And those fighting for us WAY outnumber those fighting against us.

    We definitely want to check if we are supposed to be writing, going on prayer walks, teaching – and staying under the coverings God has for us and in the assignments He has for us.

    But if we know we are supposed to be doing these things – then we also are going to be thoroughly equipped for every good work. We know He has given us every spiritual blessing in Christ. That He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, discipline, and a sound mind. That we can laugh at the future. That no weapon formed against us can stand. That the gates of hell will not be able to prevail against His Bride. That we overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.

    So even in and through the pain or trials or attack – we praise God. We stand on His promises before we see or feel them. We sit, walk and stand by faith not by sight. We know it is by His spirit we have victory, not by our strength. We declare He is making us like a wall and city of iron to stand against the onslaught just like He did for Jeremiah. We are not those who shrink back in fear, but who stand, who are overcomers in Christ.

    We are not on this assignment alone. We can’t visualize it being US who are doing the teaching, writing, praying, declaring and fighting.

    It is Christ in us doing the work from His place of victory on the Cross and when He rose from the dead. It is that Power – that Spirit alive and working in us. We have His DNA. His mind. His heart and eyes and ears and anointing and calling. We are not apart from Him. Nothing can separate us from Him and His love.

    As we pray – we pray from Heaven. With Christ. We declare His word and promises and will into the situations and people we are praying for. We are not under the enemy’s thumb. So we pray from above the waves/storms/sickness/pain and battle. In the Name of the One who has already defeated and defanged the enemy. We pray from a place of victory, peace, joy and wholeness.

    And I believe that is what God is wanting to do in us in this stormy season – to make us a beautiful Bride on our knees – who know our authority and identity in Christ – no matter what the enemy hurls at us next.

    Lots of hugs and love!! You are all so beautiful and so loved!!! Shining bright with His love and glory!

    1. I love this part “Instead of declaring war on strongholds – my mentor said let’s pray His love into the dark places. Into the hurting women and marriages and families from April’s blog. Into our cities. D.C. Our nation. Israel. North Korea”.

      This is a very powerful statement. Spiritual warfare can come across as negative, aggressive and combative. However, it really is just about praying God’s love, light and warmth into cold, dark places.

      I pray that God will shine His love into all the dark places in our hearts, minds and souls and we will all become like bright lights that shine in the darkness and draw others to Him.

      As God asked Mother Teresa to be His light to the poor, he is asking us to be His light to our husbands, children, coworkers, friends and neighbours. Let them see our good works and praise God!

      1. Nikky,
        I really love that part, too, about praying God’s love into the dark places. YES! It is all about spreading His love, light, and abundant Life – seeing the captives be set free. The enemy is Satan and his demons. People are not our enemy. They are the prisoners that God wants to set free from Satan’s snare and from sin.

        Love this so much! Thank you for sharing and praying with us!

  13. This email came at a very crucial time in my life as I have been struggling with my feelings of abandonment when my husband leaves to go out and hang out with his friends which is several times per week. I find that I immediately feel devastated, heartbroken, and ignored. I tend to play the victim and become obsessed with what he is doing and where he is and why he would rather be doing that than to be with me. I have been trying to deal with this in both marriage counseling with him and in my own private counseling but finding myself having difficulty and I feel like over the past several months our relationship has gone significantly downhill to the point where I am angry bitter and considering divorce or separation.

    I have very few friends and I am very busy with my housekeeping and the children and I tend to get very lonely. I recently picked up the peaceful wife book and opened it at random to a very appropriate page where you discuss feeling lonely in marriage and trying to control and change things. I also know that I am very dependent and codependent in my marriage.

    The other day I was praying at work that God would help me to be better so that my husband would be able to take the lead the way that I say that I want him to. After months of having difficulty in fighting every few days as well as me feeling completely sad and abandoned, things suddenly turned around after I began to pray for God to help him change. I don’t know why I’m not consistent with my praying I seem to forget somehow. I know God heard my prayer because this past weekend things did turn around and then this morning when I opened up the email from peacefulwife.com, the topic was exactly what I am struggling with and I now know that I am not the only one who goes through this.

    I just wanted to let you know that your work has helped me very much and I am working on myself and praying for my husband instead of lecturing him on how he should be. Thank you for your work and continue to help others because you are. I just wanted to share this with you because it has helped me get back on track.

    1. jen,

      It is so wonderful to hear from you. I’m very glad you reached out! Would you like to do a spiritual check up with me?

      I’m thrilled to hear that you realize you are codependent in your marriage. Seeing the problem is the first step toward changing it. You may want to search my home page for things like:
      – how I became enmeshed with my husband
      – oneness in marriage – not too close and not too far away
      – husband idol
      – fear fuels our need to control
      – responsible for my emotions
      – responsible for myself spiritually

      You do NOT have to stay in this place of victimhood. That is the awesome news. There absolutely IS healing for you in Jesus!

      I’m so excited that you began to pray for your husband rather than nagging him. Also, I believe that as you realize the source of where some of these very resentful, negative, accusing thoughts come from – you will have a lot more clarity about getting rid of those thoughts. We tend to think these things are just our thoughts and they must be true and we have no control over what we think. But that is not true at all. And just because we think or feel something, doesn’t mean it is true. We don’t have to be slaves to the accusations against our husbands from the enemy. We don’t have to be slaves to negative emotions.

      If we realize that the vast majority of wives face battles in their thoughts like this and that Satan uses the same “click bait” on so many of us, we can recognize his attacks and temptations before we step into the snare again. We can focus on taking our thoughts captive for Christ and allowing Him to transform us and empower us to be the women He calls us to be. We can use the times we have to ourselves to really plug into the Lord and allow Him to fill us up and meet our deepest needs as only He truly can. We can completely yield our desires, fears, and dreams to Him – holding everything in this world loosely – allowing Him to orchestrate things and work things out for the best.

      It is such a wonderful answer to my prayers to see how God is working in your life. What an honor to get to walk beside you and so many other sisters in Christ on this road together.

      Much love!

      1. jen,
        Oh! I also invite you to check out my posts about:

        – bitterness
        – expectations
        – divorce

        If you are willing to seek God wholeheartedly, I know He will heal your soul and you can be content in Jesus even if your husband doesn’t spend all the time with you that you would like.

        Also, the link I shared about “bitterness of soul” on the post and other posts by A Fellow Wife may be a big inspiration to you.

        Much love!

        1. YES I would live to do a checkup. Thanks for responding. There are days I am so alone, crying and feeling desperate. I feel like I am never satisfied. I am on a constant state of stress.

          1. jen,

            Awesome! Take your time:

            1. What is your relationship with Christ?

            2. What do you want most in your walk with the Lord?

            3. Where do you look for security, contentment, fulfillment, and happiness?

            4. Do you believe that the Lord may be using this time of loneliness to draw you to Himself and to heal you? If that is what is happening, how would your perspective change?

            5. What do you believe you need to be content in life?

            6. What are your greatest fears?

            7. What are you willing to do to move toward the healing Jesus has for you?

            Much love!

  14. My boyfriend and I had a very serious discussion today about the physical part of my past relationships (I’m his first relationship, but he’s not mine.) During those past relationships, I was a Christian, but was far from God and went further with these guys than I should have (not sex, oral or otherwise, but still way too far). My boyfriend is (understandably) very hurt. I really regret these past choices and I feel terrible that my past sin is hurting my boyfriend now. I would really appreciate prayers for his healing.

    Love,
    Flower

    1. Praying that your boyfriend can see you as a new creature in Christ who makes all things new! Even after our past mistakes. Praying you both can let go of past sins and live in the belief you are both cleansed by Christ because of what he did on the cross and when you get married and for the remainder of your dating relationship praying he would throw thought of these past mistakes out the window when Satan brings them to his attention. Amen!

      1. Thank you so much, April!! 🙂 I really appreciate the prayers. <3 We had a long talk this afternoon and I think he is getting to a better place with all of this. It will still take time for him to heal, but he is doing a lot better.

        1. Flower,

          Sin hurts people. No wonder God puts sin off limits for us. We would all have a lot less pain if we obeyed Him in everything. But I am so thankful He can bring healing. And I am so thankful for your relationship and how you both want to honor the Lord. Praying for continued healing and for God’s glory in your lives and relationship!

          1. Yes! This sin was years ago and it is still affecting my life. The consequences of sin are so far-reaching. I wish I could stop my old self from doing what I did 🙁

            Thank you so much for the prayers. It really means a lot.

            Love,
            Flower

          2. Flower,
            You are most welcome. You are very precious to me!

            I know we all wish we could turn back time and prevent sin. But I am so thankful God is able to redeem us and make us new!

  15. Taking our thoughts captive – give them to God! This is an ever persistent issue I face; and I believe many women do (Eve). Is it a testament to ours being the weaker sex? I am happy and consoled to read of my sisters shared experiences and His solution! Surrender it all to God!

  16. So happy that the Lord opened your eyes to this. You are so early in your marriage and it is a blessing that you are understanding these things so early on. I made the mistake of being controlling and jealous in my marriage in the beginning. I would get jealous if he wanted to go fishing for a few hours or basically anything without me. All it did is repel him and I totally understand why now. If the roles were reversed, I would feel like it was almost abusive for a husband to do the things that I did to his wife. Can you imagine if your husband went to a hotel, because you went shopping with friends or locked you out of the room? Only when I put myself in his shoes, did I get how wrong I was. Now my husband goes hunting and business trips for weeks on end. It doesn’t bother me anymore and I have found that space can bring us closer. However, because of my disrespect and controlling ways for many years, I am now undoing it all and it’s taking a long time to undo the damage that I did. You are blessed that the Lord has shown you these things so early!

    1. Hi Linseyak,
      I agree with you that the way a lot of women treat their husbands would be considered abusive if the roles were reversed. My sister-in-law once threw my brother out of his bed, screaming angrily….all because he was too tired to go to a family event and chose to stay at home and rest. If he had done that to her, it would have been considered abuse.

      Feminism has caused women to think that we don’t need to respect men or treat them with kindness but that just isn’t true.

      As women of God, we need to hold to the golden rule and treat our husbands the way we would like them to treat us.

      1. Nikky,

        Thank you so much for sharing this. Yes, I realized the same thing at one point in this journey, that if Greg had treated me the way I treated him at times, I would think he was pretty abusive emotionally. Yikes. That meant I had been pretty abusive emotionally and verbally. 🙁 And the whole time, I thought I was justified.

        So thankful God is merciful to open our eyes and to transform us as we are willing to allow Him to work in our hearts.

  17. I really needed to read this today. I had an awesome weekend with my husband until last night. I allowed the enemy to whisper so many lies and ruin my sleep, my peace, my thoughts and my physical being. Praise God, I didn’t speak out loud my thoughts so my husband has no idea what was going on inside but it’s just showing me that God still has much work to do on me. Thank you!

  18. Hi April ,
    It’s me Shy ☺️… I haven’t talked to you in a while but I got married back in April and really thought I was ready..😫 These last few months have been hard we’ve even talked about divorce..

    He has two daughters by two different women and I just can’t get along with one of the mothers for legit reasons ; but my problem is when she does something I don’t forgive her I fuel it and hate her 😕.. my husband is tired of me being evil to her and the child ( what does this have to do with this post) my thought life is so hateful..This was a very good read and hopefully the start of me getting back on track .. haven’t been reading Gods word or praying just living in the flesh.. I’m currently pregnant with our first son on both sides so there’s added things and we’ve talked about divorce ( because I’ve wanted out) well I ask that you pray for me .. love you much 😘🙏

    1. Shy,

      Congratulations on your marriage, sweet sister!

      Being married to a man with children from multiple previous relationships has a lot of difficult baggage with it – for sure.

      Are you willing to repent of sin in your heart and mind and get back in the Word and in prayer? There is no way this will work if you are living in the flesh.

      Much love!

      1. Hi April,

        I’m really trying but every time he’s in contact with the woman I don’t like i think about divorcing him. I’m just not comfortable here and I’m not happy .. I’m trying to work this thing out for our unborn child but I don’t know how. I just saw she texted him multiple times and our agreement was no texting between them due to past violations.. he said he text because he doesn’t want to hear her mouth..

        I don’t trust him he’s a liar..

          1. She lives out of state . No I don’t think he is physically cheating with her but I have caught them emotionally cheating. He claimed he said things like I love you, miss you etc, for their child .. I just don’t trust him period and to be honest I never will..

            I just need to decide wether to leave or stay..I know GOD hates divorce and I didn’t read the text she sent I just saw it was multiple…she’s very spiteful and he will do what he can do that he can see their child..now I resent the child as well..

          2. Shy,

            My suggestion would be – get back in the Word and in prayer. Repent of any sin the Lord shows you in your own heart. Listen to His leading. He can give you the wisdom you need.

            If you attempt to handle this in your own wisdom and in the flesh, it will be a nightmare. But if you are abiding in the Lord, filled with His Spirit, not reacting in sin yourself, He can give you the light you need for each step.

          3. Thanks April ,

            Yes he profess Christ. I think he may be really trying to handle each situation the best he knows how and keep things calm so he can see his child.. but I have a feeling they have some secrets and some type of friendship that is not appropriate for a married man even if they do have a kid. ( the other mother is no problem at all) I’m trying to get back in the word and I need to go back to church. I think about divorcing him daily it might just be best if he goes back with her because I’m going crazy.. but I will wait on the lord as you say. Right now I just need to prepare for this baby and the possibility of splitting him which is also very painful for me. He said if I leave he is coming for him a six months smh..

          4. Shy,

            The first thing has got to be you getting back in the Word and in prayer and you getting rid of anything offensive to the Lord. Then God can heal you and strengthen you and then you can pray in a way that is powerful and effective. I just witnessed God work in a very similar situation in the past two weeks where a wife thought a husband was not trustworthy and thought she would have to separate, but she trusted the Lord completely and yielded the situation to Him. We prayed together. God worked the most amazing miracles I have ever seen.

            So – yes! Please stop thinking about divorce right now. Focus on Jesus. See what He wants to do. He may just use this situation for something glorious!

            Much love!

  19. Hey April
    Struggling again. My suspicions are out of control. I found out this week he has a beer fridge over in his work area. This is not near our home. There’s no need to have one there unless he’s drinking before he finishes work. I feel betrayed and furious. So now he can drink any time of day and I won’t know. I somehow kept myself from blowing up and I haven’t mentioned it. I’ve done my research and I know it won’t go well and there’s not much I can do. He’s not abusive or or drunk or lazy. You’d never know he drinks too much.
    He’s also continuing to go regularly into our nearest city at least a couple days a week for a few hrs. He says its to get parts for maintenance and it really could be true. He really could be innocent. But I can’t get out of my mind the fact it’s been nearly 3 yrs of nothing between us and he he’s still a male. Do usually honestly think he could be in such a bad mental state that he really has no desire that way? My sister says yes, that he’s a shell of a man right now but many people would say no. Men can’t go without it. It’s not normal.
    So my question. I know you’ve said how damaging it can be to accuse them of something they haven’t done but is it ok to if I somehow tell him of my valid fears and appeal to him to try to understand considering the facts here? Is it ok to tell him his behaviour looks curious all the trip he makes? Is there any way around this or is it too risky?
    He’s out drinking quite regularly and he’s out again tonight with a friend I don’t like as he did something that personally hurt and disgusted me a few yrs ago and my husband had cooled the friendship because of it but now he’s ramped it uP again. I passed them on the road this afternoon on the way to a drinking session at another friends place and I had to ask my kids where he was going. This infuriates me. Is he testing me or is he just showing me that he doesn’t care about my feelings and can do whatever he wants? I can’t help wondering why and even getting mad at why God is allowing him to get away with this behavior when he is called to be the head of this family. I know about free will but I also know He is sovereign. We are about to send 2 of our children out into the world soon and THIS is the example we are setting them? THIS is how they remember their last yrs with us? This is too much. It’s wrong. Yes , sin. But we know God and I need my Fathers help. He says to cry out and I do. just no change or help. Maybe I’m just tired and emotional but I’ve gone way downhill again.
    I feel my husband know he has me in a corner. He can do whatever he wants or else I’m still just the controlling wife and because he knows I want this marriage to work out but he’s not thinking straight I dont think and then the alcohol…. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. God really is the only one who can help us.
    Bel

    1. Bel,

      I don’t know what your husband is doing, obviously. I do know that if there is significant alcoholism going on, it can impact sexual performance and even cause erectile dysfunction.

      So, yes he is a guy. But if the alcoholism is severe enough, that may make him not be able to perform.

      From what you have described, it doesn’t seem like your husband is going to care much about your feelings at this point.

      Have you gotten to the place where you believe you can be content in Christ with your husband in your life or without him if he were to decide to leave? To me, that is the most critical issue. Then we can talk about what may be best to do.

      Much love!

      1. Bel,

        I believe that until you are truly at that place where you can be content in Christ with or without your husband – you are allowing your husband to hold you hostage in some ways. Does that make sense?

Thanks for joining the discussion! Let's keep it classy and respectful. :)

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