Skip to main content
tim-foster-333708

Finding Contentment in Christ Alone in Painful Trials

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

Three strong believers share about finding contentment in Christ alone even in very painful, difficult, lonely situations where worldly peace and contentment are completely impossible. I pray their words and stories might bless you and your walk with the Lord richly!

From Sister in Christ #1 

I had to hit rock bottom and surrender everything to the Lord before I found that peace and trust in Him. I had to get to the point where I truly realized that my husband and my marriage had been an idol – that I had been depending on my husband to meet my needs, instead of God. So truthfully, the main reason I was so afraid of losing my husband (in the beginning) was because he was the one that I had been looking to – to take care of me, provide for me, love me, and fill me. I knew the Lord, but I had not been fully relying on God for these things – and I didn’t even realize that until after my husband left!

It took my husband leaving me for me to come to the end of myself and surrender to the Lord. And it took many months (actually over a year) before I FULLY trusted God with my life, my husband, and marriage.

I can assure wives that if they will press into the Lord and give Him total control, that they will get to a place of complete trust and have a peace that passes our human understanding! I’m sure there may be other problems on our spouse’s end, too. But the Lord wants to work on our hearts individually. The change has to start with us! There may be a totally different timetable for what God does in a husband’s heart and in the marriage, but the only time table that we have any control over is what we allow God to do in our hearts right now, even through painful, lonely situations.

I remember people telling me things like that and I would just get angry because I didn’t want to hear that I had no control over anybody but myself.

Control issues are rooted in fear – what do we truly believe about God?

  • Are there false beliefs about God that needed to be uprooted?
  • Do we see Him as being totally sovereign, 100% trustworthy, and that He is exactly who the Bible says He is – and that He can do exactly what the Bible says He can do?

That was another thing that I discovered in this journey, that I had false beliefs about God – I didn’t truly believe He had only the best plans for my life. I had to ask the Father to break many strongholds, and to renew my mind by His word.

I had to start speaking out scripture, and hear myself declare it, until I truly believed it.

 

From Sister in Christ #2

You know what? It would be wonderful to have Christ-centered human companionship always, but so often in life, only the Lord stands with us. For example, in 2 Timothy 4

  • “. . .At my first defense, no one stood with me, but everyone deserted me. . . . But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me. . . . So I was delivered. . .

Ultimately, it is just us and the Lord who have to cross the “Jordan Rivers” of our lives.

God makes all His best people in loneliness. That is so demonstrable. You study the great souls in the Bible, those great souls – they walked alone — alone with God. Just like great eagles that soar, they fly alone.

That loneliness is hard to endure, and impossible to enjoy unless God is really within you. But that’s how you can tell He is really living in your heart. You will enjoy it!

God makes us His, alone. He takes us out to be alone to make us Holy. And Holiness is real Happiness. I believe it is because He knows how dangerous co-dependency is. Faith in Jesus combined with action is the only thing that will bring you contentment. I have to be alone very often because of my work and travel schedule. I was so worried when it all started, now, I can’t wait to get alone with the Lord. That’s how I fully refuel.

My goal is GOD HIMSELF. Not joy, not peace, not even blessing – but HIMSELF. . .my GOD.

I lived for the praise, acceptance, and expectations of those around me. Now, I have an audience of ONE. Also, He is now the only One who gets a vote on my worth and value. Jesus had an audience of ONE, His Father. Only God knows why He takes us along these paths. All we can do is keep seeking God in Christ and let Him direct us. He loves you, you have the greatest value. He gave His life for all your worth!

From a Brother in Christ

Two weeks before our 10th anniversary my spouse walked out of the family home with my two children after engaging in multiple acts of adultery with multiple different people. I am now divorced (not my decision), I have sold that family home, split our assets, moved to a different town and have walked a LONG way through the valley of pain since that day.

When a person whom you believed would meet your emotional needs and create fulfillment within you fails to meet those needs, it creates a deep hole within.

We begin to question so many things!! We feel upset, angry, and fearful. For me fear was the overriding emotion.

  • What will this do to me?
  • What will this do to my children?
  • How will I ever heal from this?

At the point of my anniversary I had NO idea what to do or how to heal. But I came to a place where I genuinely surrendered the situation and the outcome of my life to God.

I did NOT have peace or joy when I surrendered it to God, I still felt the pain and fear but I had made a conscious decision to trust God with the process. It was a time of great trial.

Fast forward to nearly 7 months later and I was still grappling with the separation and pain, but still surrendered to God’s will and plan. At this point I was focused on a Christian book that used Isaiah as a springboard to talk about the healing that we can find in Christ. It talked about the fact that Jesus used these prophetic words to illustrate that He was the one who would bind up our wounds, heal our hearts and set us free. And I wanted that far more than anything else!

God graciously opened my eyes and heart to see that in Christ I was loved and accepted without reservation! That the only one who had any right to reject me actually chose to give His life for me!!!

As I saw this, my heart was set free from needing approval or acceptance from my spouse and I knew SO much joy. I knew that if I never had my spouse again I would be more than ok.

And, I am more than ok.

Nearly 2.5 years after my spouse requested a divorce, I AM divorced and all that I feared DID happen, plus more. The trials were so severe that I could not have imagined them. But I am 100% ok and I am thriving in all aspects of life. I enjoy companionship and the love and presence of God in a tangible, incredible way that I did not think possible before I experienced it. I have experienced answers to prayer, fulfillment, and joy that I had no idea was possible. Truly the treasures of heaven are found in Christ.

God has met my needs emotionally, spiritually and physically in every way I needed.

Interestingly, my prayers for a reconciliation were not answered and I realise now that those prayers were made because I wanted to find my identity in my spouse. God could not allow that, my identity must be in Him. Now, I do not pray for a reconciliation, in fact I am reluctant to consider a reconciliation given the history between us. Now I pray for my ex-spouse’s salvation and for my ex-spouse to experience God’s love, as that is of primary importance.

When we try to find our identity in another person we find ourselves in bondage to that person.

When we receive validation, we feel ok. When we do not receive validation, we feel awful. But, when we receive all that God has for us in Christ we can feel ok whether we receive validation from our spouse or not! The words and actions that our spouse gives can be received as a gift when they are positive, recognised as coming from a wounded heart when they are not positive or used as a springboard for prayerful, personal evaluation if they are suggesting things about an area that we may need to grow in.

I pray that you will be able to see again, or maybe for the first time, just what you are worth to Christ. He gave ALL that He was to purchase you, to have you for His own, He ADORES you and wants to know you and love you in a way that you can not imagine. I pray that you are able to release your fear and hurt to God and enjoy this day with Him.

SHARE:

If you want to share a bit about your story and how you are learning to find contentment in Christ alone, you are welcome to share. If you are struggling in this area and want to talk about it, you are also welcome to share.

Much love!

RELATED:

A Big Lightbulb about True Contentment

Roots of  Insecurity

Finding God’s Victory over Fear

My Security Is in Christ Alone

A Lightbulb Moment about Loneliness

48 thoughts on “Finding Contentment in Christ Alone in Painful Trials

  1. A big thank you to all of you for sharing your story with us. As a newly married woman, your stories have shown me that I need to focus on building my relationship with Christ, rather than expecting my husband to fulfill all of my emotional and psychological needs. I tend to be very demanding of my husband’s time and attention. I get mad at him for spending time with his friends and want him to spend all of his free time with me. I keep demanding to be his #1 priority and he gets frustrated and feels suffocated. He says that I’m always complaining and never satisfied.

    After reading your stories, I will focus on building my relationship with Christ, spending time reading the Bible and declaring his promises over myself. I’m still hoping that God will turn my husband’s heart towards wanting to spend time with me at home, rather than always wanting to go out with his friends. I’m not sure how to get past that hope without being demanding.

    1. Natasha,

      Thank you so much for sharing how this was a blessing to you. 🙂

      If you are interested, I have quite a few posts on these topics, I’d be glad to share some links.

      Much love!

      1. Natasha,

        I have taken the approach you have taken early in our marriage and I created a TON of damage. This road is how to destroy your marriage and repel your husband. I sure wish I could have learned that earlier than 14 years into our marriage.

        Here are some posts that I believe will greatly bless you as you seek to allow God to transform you first and as you seek to find your contentment in Jesus alone and stop idolizing your husband.

        I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
        I Am Responsible for My Emotions
        Are We Responsible for Our Spouse’s Happiness?
        How to Make Your Husband an Idol
        How Do I Respect My Husband without Idolizing Him?
        I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband – By A Fellow Wife
        I’d Love More Affection from My Husband – by A Fellow Wife
        Love Him Less, Respect Him More – by A Fellow Wife
        I Thought I Owned My Husband – by A Fellow Wife
        A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space
        Oneness in Marriage – Not Too Close, but Not Too Far Away
        When Your Man Needs Space
        Submission Means We Hold the Things of This World Loosely
        Fully Trusting God with My Husband – Laying Down All My Fears

        I have many more that are related to this. Let me know if you would like some more.

        It is not wrong to desire to get to hang out with and enjoy your husband. But if he doesn’t want to stay – this is something you can entrust to the Lord. You can respectfully allow him to go without resenting him. And you can trust God to use this time to transform you. Sometimes, it is in these alone times that the Lord is seeking to draw us to Himself so we can heal. Embrace and use that time and enjoy that sacred time with God. This time alone may be a priceless gift. It was for me as I began my journey and Greg was renovating the house 4-5 nights per week until after midnight and he remained so distant and shut down for such a long time. Now, I am SO THANKFUL for all that time alone. I needed it desperately! Those lonely years are a big part of why I am as close to the Lord today as I am.

        You can certainly ask for what you would like respectfully – at times. Not every day. Maybe not even every week if things are very tense. If it is the very beginning of this journey, there may be a few months where you don’t ask for much if your husband is very wounded and hurt. But then, as things heal and as God leads, you can start to slowly begin to ask for things respectfully. But then if your husband still doesn’t want to do things with you – you can, in the power of God, respond with grace rather than resentment or demands.

        Much love!

        1. Hi April,
          I just read “I am responsible for my emotions” and this part struck me deeply:

          “No one can rob me of the peace, love and joy of Christ. Those things are mine unless I chose to give them up. My husband cannot keep me from experiencing God’s joy. My mother cannot steal the peace Jesus has given to me – not unless I allow her to. My friends and coworkers cannot take away the gifts God has given to me in Christ. I have the power to keep these things as I abide in Christ and His Spirit overflows in me.”

          This is exactly what I want to experience. It reminds me of Psalm 16, which is my favourite psalm.

          Thanks so much for the raw honesty you display on this blog in telling us your story and the way you keep pointing us to Christ. When you’re in heaven, you will see the eternal and powerful value of your work in this blog.

          Mother Teresa said that we don’t all need to go to Calcutta to serve Christ. We all need to find our own Calcutta – our own personal ministry where people are suffering and need love and attention. All of us who read this blog are your own little Calcutta and you minister very well to us. I pray that we can all find our own Calcuttas and serve Christ as beautifully as you do.

          1. Nikki,
            I love that so many of us can share our stories together here. I think that is powerful!

            My prayer is that God might empower me to be steadfast, faithful, Spirit-filled, and that He might greatly increase and I might greatly decrease. That Jesus would be exalted with every word. And that He might bring those who need healing and provide the stories and posts they need.

            You can experience this. It is God’s will for you to live this way and He will lead you and heal you as You seek Him wholeheartedly and hold everything else very loosely.

            When you find you feel discouraged, disappointed in your husband, upset, negative, afraid, disillusioned, etc… that is a good time to go to the Lord alone and invite Him to help you check your motives and ask Him to help direct your heart and mind to Himself.

            One of the things I look forward to the most about heaven is to get to meet everyone the Lord was pleased to touch through this ministry and to get to hear all of the stories of God’s healing, transformation, and miracles!

            Yes, this is my Calcutta – reaching hurting women (believers and unbelievers) online for God’s kingdom. What a privilege to get a virtual front row seat to watch God’s power and love at work around the world in almost every country.

            Much love!

  2. I just want to say how much your blog has meant to me for a few years now. I have never commented before, but today I feel compelled to say THANK YOU to everyone who shares their hearts and their journeys here. Today’s post is exactly what I needed.

    I have been married 43 years, since age 17 and I know I have made marriage an idol and looked to my husband for my identity and my value. He is a good man and a believer, but he is not God!! He came from a difficult family and he has emotional and spiritual wounds of his own. Me expecting him to fulfill and complete me seems ludicrous as I write this, nonetheless this is what I’ve done.

    The Lord has been showing me this for a long while, but sometimes I need a refresher course and today’s post was just that! I especially appreciate the gentleman sharing his story, I could so identify. Thanks again April for your loving ministry, may God bless all your efforts big time!

    1. Hi Kim,
      My mother did exactly what you described and with disastrous results. My father was abandoned by both his parents as a child and was deeply wounded. Nevertheless, my mother made him an idol and expected to find her identify, worth and security in him. He failed miserably and caused our entire family indescribable pain, heartache and humiliation. He ran around with other women, forgot our birthdays, forgot to pick us up from school, didn’t pay the mortgage for months on end to the point where we almost lost our home. We all went through hell and my mother more than any of us suffered because she expected him to be God to her. She was deeply broken and wounded by him.

      All human beings are fallible and weak. Our only hope is Jesus. He is all-powerful and 100% loving, good, kind and compassionate. He is infallible and will never leave us or forsake us. He is our strength and shield. We need to put all of our faith in him.

      1. Nikki,

        Such a tragic situation! This breaks my heart so much. For you and your siblings, for your mom, and for your dad. Thank you for sharing this. May we each learn from this example and choose God’s good, narrow, Life-giving way!

      2. Thank you Nikki for sharing this. I think the more wounded WE are, the more likely we will look to other humans to fulfill, complete, heal us. I have done this with other people too besides my husband. All the same results. They fail me (at least I believe they do), I become hurt, angry, disillusioned, etc. Praise God he has shown such mercy and love to me, that he has never quit bringing these issues to the forefront. Praise God I am not the same lonely, mixed up girl of 17! I am not finished yet! And God is not finished with my husband either!

        1. Hi Kim,
          I never thought of it that way. It makes perfect sense that the more wounded we are, the more likely we are to seek healing from other people.

          Praise God that He is here to bind up our wounded hearts, deliver us from strongholds, shine light in the dark corners of our hearts and comfort us who mourn.

          Praise God that he will give us beauty for ashes, oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

          God can work all of our trials for our good and make us more joyful and stronger than we ever imagined possible.

          “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
          because the Lord has anointed me
          to proclaim good news to the poor.
          He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
          to proclaim freedom for the captives
          and release from darkness for the prisoners,a
          to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
          and the day of vengeance of our God,
          to comfort all who mourn,
          and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
          to bestow on them a crown of beauty
          instead of ashes,
          the oil of joy
          instead of mourning,
          and a garment of praise
          instead of a spirit of despair.
          They will be called oaks of righteousness,
          a planting of the Lord
          for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61

          1. Nikki,

            I agree with Kim. And, of course, we are all wounded apart from Jesus. But yes, the more wounded we are, the more we go looking to broken cisterns and the more frustrated we get.

            I just shared that exact scripture passage with someone ten minutes ago. That is Jesus’ purpose in this world and in our lives! LOVE it!

    2. Kim Hulzebos,

      What an honor to hear from you! I am so excited to hear about what the Lord has been doing in your heart. I know I personally need refreshers, myself. These sisters’ and brothers’ stories inspire me, too!

      I’m so thankful that you see that you can’t depend on your husband the way you would depend on Jesus. I did the same thing for many years and did a lot of damage in our marriage.

      I’m very grateful to hear a bit of your story. Thank you for the prayers and encouragement!

  3. How do you balance not making your husband an idol with not creating a spirit of independence within yourself? I get that your worth and security should be in Christ alone. I get that you should not make your husband an idol. I get that you should not go to the extent of trying so hard not to find your worth in your husband that you end up emotionally distancing yourself from him and finding it difficult to accept his expressions of love. I get all this – but how exactly do you do it?

    I sometimes seem to swing back and forth between the two, first idolizing my bf a little and then going, “GAHHH! I think I’m idolizing him! My worth should be in Christ! This has to stop!” Then I work so hard not to idolize him that when he does something nice for me, I sometimes find it hard to accept it and be happy about it, because I was trying so hard to be “independent!” And then I realize that I’ve created emotional distance, and I feel bad, close the emotional gap, and worry I’m idolizing him again.

    These three posters have powerful and valuable stories. However, I noticed that they all were able to find their worth in Christ alone when they went through trials. Is there a different procedure to follow when your life is hunky-dory and everything’s great between you and your significant other? This I guess is my main question. Thanks! 🙂

    Love,
    Flower

    1. Flower,

      That balance is something that I believe only the Lord can help us to achieve. There is a learning process. For sure. As you focus on the Lord and allow Him to fill you up, He will help you find the right balance. If you are working super hard – most likely – it is something you are trying to do in your own power.

      It is really, really easy to overanalyze and overthink all of this.

      Check out my friend, Lee Ann’s post today on http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.com and read her comments. I think she may have some of the answer you are looking for.

      Much love!

      1. Dear Flower,

        I can relate to you so much. I am 70 and married to my current husband for 18 years. I have been a Christian all of my life BUT the older I got, the less I depended On God. Most of my life has been a crisis (abused and the death of my youngest son in 2012). So yes I agree that the more we are hurt, the more we depend on others for the answers. I have been to many counselors who gave me good advise, but I could never quite put it together. I have a disability that makes it hard for me to walk without assistance and I am use to handling everything myself.

        My point is this… God never changes and loves us no more and no less than He always has. He lets us go on our way until we get so tired we turn back to him. Does our way of thinking work????????? No, not for me. God shows me daily which way to go and how to think when I focus on Him and not MYSELF. Every day is a new day and I have to be positive and not negative. Satan just looks for ways to seek to steal, kill, and destroy us. All we have to do is say depart from me in the name of Jesus and he has to obey.

        There is so much more I could say, but Flower just know that you are not alone. I feel your doubt and pain so DON’T GIVE UP.

        Many blessings to you with lots of love!

    2. How to Respect Your Husband without Making Him an Idol may also be helpful.

      Yes, the two people, especially, went through very severe trials and discovered how to depend on Jesus alone then. But we can do this even when there is not a trial. The procedure is the same. It is about holding everything else loosely and surrendering control and outcomes completely to the Lord. It is about deciding to trust Him and His Word much more than anyone or anything else. And it is about abiding in Christ.

  4. Hi April,
    Following from your comments before on your “Calcultta” i.e. your ministry of helping hurting women, I sometimes wonder how you balance the demands of this ministry with your responsibilities towards your family. The reason I’m wondering about this is that I know many people who grew up hating and resenting church because their mothers spent all of their time and energy giving to various church ministries to the point where the kids felt neglected and ignored, as if the church stole their mother. I also know quite a few men who complain bitterly about the time their wives spend in church and working on charitable projects. Because of that, I have stayed away from church ministries because I don’t want to lose my focus on my family. I would like to get involved but I worry that I’ll get too distracted.

    Would you consider doing a post on how we can find balance between our public ministries and our service to our husbands and children? I’m sure that many women would benefit from a post like that and many husbands and children would be finally able to get the attention that they need.

    Much love,
    Nikki

      1. Nikki,

        It is very tricky to get the balance just right with my priorities. I have to have time with God, time with Greg, time with my kids, time for chores, time for work, time for ministry, and time for writing.

        I try to listen carefully to my family’s feedback and God’s feedback. I have a prayer team that prays for me, my family, and my ministry. And sometimes I have to take breaks if things are not in balance.

        It is very easy to make ministry into an idol. That is ultimately harmful to my family, my readers, and myself if I do so.

        Great question!

  5. April, have you ever written a post with your perspective about dreams (sleeping dreams)? I have had 3 dreams in the past few weeks that have caused me to fear for my husbands faithfulness to our marriage. OR, perhaps they were actually caused by latent fear that already exists. I currently have no strong reason to believe something is majorly wrong in the relationship (though I’ve had discontentment and been on “peaceful wife journey” the past few years). But the dreams made a shocking impact on my mind and even my body (in the dream when something was revealed my left shoulder/side began aching and when I awoke the pain was very real- still has been the whole morning-emotional pain is physical).

    I am aware of instances in the Bible where dreams held significance for the future and prompted individuals to take a course of action or which prepared them for the future (Joseph husband of Mary, Joseph interpreting dreams in Egypt). im hoping my dreams were just a reflection of latent fears rather than a message from God, and I know I need to keep seeking an answer about this in prayer. But I’d appreciate your perspective on dreams as well. Thanks!

    1. Hope,

      If a dream is from the Lord, I believe it is with a specific purpose to reveal part of His will or something He desires you to do. At least, that is how it has happened in scripture when the Lord gives someone a dream in the night.

      God does not give us a spirit of fear. Satan can certainly do that. He would love for you to latch on to something like this to encourage you to live in fear and to get you to freak out.

      I would not automatically assume that such accusatory dreams are necessarily of the Lord.

      You can certainly pray about the dreams. But these dreams are not evidence against your husband. And you don’t know that these dreams are from God. They could be something intended to throw you by Satan. He loves to accuse our husbands of things to us and to whisper all kinds of terrible things in our ears about our spouses.

      Have you talked with your husband about these things?

      How has your time been going with the Lord?

      How has your marriage been doing?

      Much love!

      1. Thanks for the reply, April. I have concluded that the two dreams incite a spirit of fear within myself and do not direct me toward some action (a godly mentor and friend of mine gave me exactly the same answer as you). I ended up mentioning to my husband that my heart had been hurting all day after a disturbing dream, and he asked about it so I told him the details. I basically said “I found it odd because I don’t spend my time fretting about his faithfulness to me, but perhaps the jealousy That plagued me in the past is still there, latent.” He didn’t say much in response but listened attentively, expressed concern about my health, and seemed somewhat amused by the dream itself. I would always like more assurance from him that I never need to fear, but I feel like he is being honest and real with me in his actions and words and there is not real evidence to lead me to fear. When I’m fearful, I can find little things, but when grateful/hopeful about the relationship I feel such an assurance that all is well. My reliance on god above all else could be much stronger. Hence me worrying. How wonderful it sounds to be content and peaceful in god, and come what may in my marriage. Working.

        1. Hope,

          Dreams can be very disturbing. Sometimes they can have significant meaning from the Lord – that is possible. Other times they are not messages from God, and they may really not have much to do with anything important.

          I like the way you approached talking about it. And that you believe he is being honest and real with you and that you recognize you don’t see any evidence that there is anything to fear.

          You absolutely can be completely content in Christ, fully dependent on Him for your contentment, fulfillment, and security. 🙂 Isn’t that the most wonderful news?

          If you are interested in more resources, I’d be glad to share some. It is much more about resting in Christ than trying harder. And that is even better news!

          Much love!

    2. Hi Hope:
      Is there something(s) (other than the content) about these particular dreams that make you think that they are more than just regular dreams? What about them gave you the idea that they were “potentially” from God? Is it the way you felt in your “heart” afterwards? Feelings you developed about them in your devotion time etc.? Thanks

      1. Thanks for the reply. The two dreams stood out from other dreams in the impact they had on me-shook me up and seemed to override other thoughts or feelings in my body and mind. As if he may have been trying to get my attention loudly. But i haven’t felt led to bring anything up with my husband or do anything differently so the lack of direction seems to rule it out as guidance from the lord. I suppose it could be some type of warning to prepare me. But at this point it seems more likely to be my imagination or the enemy taking advantage of fears that do exist, tho they don’t seem logically founded. God hath not given me a spirit of fear in the past.

  6. Thank you for this!
    I’m curious if Sister in Christ #1 had her marriage restored. I am going through a similar trial right now and would love to hear that there is hope even if we are separated.
    XO

  7. “When we try to find our identity in another person we find ourselves in bondage to that person.” I don’t think I have ever heard (read) truer words in my life. This so describes how my marriage has been for over 22 years. We are now at a place where for the last six weeks he doesn’t know if he wants to still be married. But, I have grown so much in the Lord during this time and wouldn’t trade it for anything!

    1. Tina,

      Yep. I can definitely relate to that, too. I did the same thing for a long time in our marriage – and only made us both very miserable.

      I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you both have experienced. But how I praise God for what He is doing now! Praying for His healing for you both!

      1. Thank you so much for your prayers! My horrible insecurity and jealousy is the main reason he is unhappy. I am getting into God’s word every day and working on me and allowing God to work on him. He is not a Christian so that has been my main prayer. The waiting is the worse part. Trying so hard to have peace during this time. Some days are good but most I can hardly focus on what needs to be done.

        1. Tina,

          There absolutely IS healing and peace in Christ available to you IF you are willing to let go of your old ways of thinking and old priorities.

          A few posts to get you started – please search my home page search bar for:

          – insecurity
          – security
          – husband idol
          – fear
          – anxiety/worry
          – my secret idol
          – identifying the lies we have embraced

          Let’s talk about this together. I am praying for God’s healing for you and am so excited about all that He is about to do in your life!

          Much love!

          1. I just finished reading the blog entry “Healing for Destructive Jealousy by Truly Blessed” and it almost mirrors my story. My husband told me just the other day that there is so much more than looks or sex that are necessary for him to want to cheat on me. He also said that the main reason he is hanging in right now is because he respects the 22 years we’ve had together.

            He is very hurt about how he feels like I’ve been underhanded and checking on him when he’s never tried to hide anything from me. I feel like such a fool for my behavior. One thing I had never thought about before though is that jealousy is a sin and that my insecurity is like a slap in the face to the One who created me and says I am so much more than I believe.

            I believe that God is allowing the removal of the physical and the “I love you’s” at this time to draw me closer to Him. Some days I have a lot of peace in the waiting but other days I feel so much anxiety. I do not though, want to go back to where I was before. I’ve spent many years putting my husband and our marriage before God so I know this won’t be a quick fix. More than anything, I want to see my husband come to know Jesus and that I would not be the stumbling block I’ve been to the truth of who God really is and what He can do in one’s life. I want my husband to be able to see Christ in me.

          2. Tina,

            Maybe it is a good time to really allow the Lord to shine His Light into the darkest places of your mind and heart to see the skewed thinking and lies that are holding you captive so that you can get rid of those, with His help. Then He can heal you, my sweet sister!

            Keep reading and praying. Allow the Lord to expose sin and repent of all of it. Receive His goodness and His healing.

            I also invite you to read posts by Radiant.

            You are heading in the right direction! 🙂

  8. Hi April,
    I’m back after almost a year and nothing has improved.

    Tonight, he came home with dinner for both of us. I asked why his shirt smelt of perfume. Immediately, he flew into a rage and poked me aggressively on the chest which hurts as he is large and I’m tiny. He made a fuss about constantly being interrogated by me and he had stood in line for 30 minutes to get my favourite food but all I did was to “pressure him”. He got worked up and flipped the coffee table which scattered everything on the floor as usual. (this is his tactic whenever he wants to punish me in a fight because it’d take me an hour to rearrange everything and I deserve it for antagonizing him.) Our curtains were opened so our neighbours across could clearly see what was going on.

    I admonished him for being constantly unfaithful because I know that he had been to a nightclub two days ago (I have texts) and he swore that he did nothing except drink some beer and left in an hour.

    Naturally upset, I told him that I no longer have any expectations of him and neither did his family nor friends (nobody talks to him except his work. He has no friends either except for random people who asks him for favours. He’s not normal socially because he doesn’t even have a single buddy to hang out with. I will usually get my friends to celebrate his birthday. When we got married, the male entourage for my bridesmaids were all my own guy friends.)

    I blurted that God is far greater than him and that God is more important than him. This enraged him and he picked up our dinner and threw it down the chute 15 floors down, spitefully saying, “Then ask God to buy you dinner.” before putting on his shirt and leaving the house with these words, “I’m going to eat and I’m not buying you any food.”

    That was 8pm.

    It is now 5.30 AM and he is not home.

    I’m weary, April.

    We just celebrated my dad’s birthday yesterday and he was sweet to my dad and made my dad very happy yet today, he is this monster yet again.

    I begged God to free me tonight.

    Calling him on the phone is useless because he will not answer. It is his spiteful way of punishing me even if I were to call hundreds of times (from past experiences).

    A few months ago, we were in New York for a holiday. Something I said sparked him off and he abandoned me at Times Square all by myself amongst the throngs of people. I lost him in the crowd and even approached the NYPD officers who were very kind in comforting me. I was so distraught that I burst out sobbing to them, “I’m suffering. You have no idea how much I’m suffering.” I got up, thanked them and tried to find him on foot. He wouldn’t take my calls and my phone went flat. After walking for two hours, a couple approached me as I was sobbing and kindly lent me their phone so I could call him. He answered as it was an unknown number and we met at the subway.

    It’s now 6 AM. He’s still not home.

    It’s the first time he’s stayed out the night.

    I fell to my knees again tonight and asked God why am I being subjected to such cruelty for almost two decades. In my life, I strive to be righteous and kind. Many have thanked me for transforming their lives. I go out of my way to help those in need. I try to be the light that God wants us to be.

    Yet, I don’t even receive the most basic decency a human being has. I’m highly regarded at work and my friends think that I’m one of the most reliable people they know of. What an irony that a single man has left me exhausted and in tatters.

    Sometimes, I’m numb to this because there is nothing left to be eroded.

    Sometimes I get upset and ask God why is this punishment inflicted on me.

    He’s a person who will never accept personal responsibility. As with others, it is always someone else’s fault. Even if he were to hurt me, he’d say it was my fault in antagonizing him to begin with.

    I’ve prayed and begged God every day to cover him & to change him but he has a hardened heart and it is easier to be influenced by bad company than to be led by righteous men.

    I’ve lost this battle, April.

    Only God knows what is next.

    Honestly, there are times when I’m so bogged that I wished he were dead. Then I’d ask God to forgive me for my sinful thoughts.

    He has nobody to turn to so I’m guessing he is staying out at some hotel for the night.

    I’ve been telling myself that only God can change him.

    This narrative has been repeated for 20 years.

    Sorry for the long ramble. I have nobody I can talk to because everyone thinks my life is perfect and being in a small town means everything is up for gossip fodder.

    And so I keep everything to myself.

    And pray.

    And weep.

    And pray.

    And weep.

    1. Iwasonceahappygirl,

      I want to see you in a spiritually healthy place with the Lord. I want to see you safe. Obviously, I am not there. I don’t know exactly what he is doing and what you are doing. You have described him being physically abusive a number of times. But you are convinced that because “God hates divorce” that means you have to stay and take abuse. I do not believe that is God’s heart for His children.

      I am especially concerned that you believe God is inflicting your husband’s sin on you. God doesn’t tempt anyone to sin. Your husband abuses you and sins against you by his choice. God’s will is for your husband to repent and treat you well. Your husband, and all people, have free will. The price of free will is that people may choose to rebel against God and to sin and break His heart and hurt other people.

      This is an extremely unhealthy relationship you are describing. You are right that you can’t change him. If a husband continues on and on abusing his wife, God can change him, yes. Once the husband is open to that. But a wife does not have to stay and be beaten and abused. A wife can have respect for the Lord, herself, her marriage covenant, and her husband – all at the same time.

      Is it possible that there are options you may have to get out of this situation – even though you haven’t wanted to think about them?

      Are you seeing a godly counselor who can help you sort through things?

      Please check out http://www.leslievernick.com

      Try this quiz first.

      I believe that God has options for you that you have not been willing to consider. I don’t personally believe it is “God’s will” for you to stay in a dangerous situation – if that is what is going on.

      I pray you will have ears to hear the Lord’s voice and leading and that you will receive His healing and wisdom. And I pray for your husband to come to Christ, as well.

      I also invite you to check out the free counseling service at http://www.focusonthefamily.org and they have a counseling referral service.

      What things do you believe God may want you to change in your approach with your husband and in your own spiritual walk? You can’t control him. But you can control yourself. You can reach out for God’s healing for yourself. You can also avoid blurting out things that may be disrespectful or provocative. You can speak respectfully rather than confrontationally. It may be that there are areas in your heart and mind that God wants to work on with you. I don’t know if that is something He can do with you living with your husband right now or not. If things are toxic enough, y’all may need some time and space apart.

      But you sure don’t have to stay in the place you are in spiritually right now. There is hope, freedom, and healing available to you in Jesus!

      Much love and a huge hug!

  9. Thank you.

    Just moments ago, he threw a chair at me because he forgot to bin his remnant noodles in the workroom and it stunk up the entire room.

    That’s the way he is – never taking personal responsibility nor manning up to the slightest mistake, no matter how trivial it may be.

    We could be driving and a left turn would be the correct way but he would intentionally turn right if someone mentions it just to prove that he is right even though he is well aware that it is wrong. Once it has been established that he is in the wrong direction and he can no longer pretend that he is on course, he’ll come up with an excuse that he did it with the purpose of extending our time on the road so that we can enjoy the scenery (what scenery in a traffic jam?).

    It’s trivial when you read it like that but when you compound this attitude and extend it to all areas of our lives in varying degrees, it is exhausting, April.

    It is exhausting to hear his excuses,

    Exhausting to try and hold my tongue 40-50 times a day,

    Exhausting to try and make a point,

    Exhausting to have him being violent just to win the moment.

    You know what?

    It is very much like dealing with a 5-year-old whose only way to win is to throw a tantrum.

    I have no tears tonight.

    No.

    What I have is disgust and self-pity.

    Did you know that this throwing of things happen in public as well? He has no self-control. As long as he is irked, he is not concerned about being in the middle of the Lincoln Memorial with scores of tourists and shouting till the echoes resonated all around. In fact, an audience titillates him and gives him a chance to showcase his “manliness”.

    I honestly believe that he has mental issues.

    He has been dropped on the head as a child and severely neglected by his mother who never loved him and treated him as invisible. He is no longer talking to his siblings who have all given up on him. His friends no longer ask him out.

    Everyone has left him.

    And yet, he literally thumped his chest and said that he doesn’t need anyone.

    Unlike him, I come from a close-knitted family with loads of love and sunshine. I never knew what pain was. Grandpa had a bungalow and we all lived with him as one big happy extended family. I had a good, comfortable life with love till I met my husband.

    Maybe it was the thrill of meeting someone who was completely different.

    Maybe it was my saviour complex wanting to fix this broken little boy with my heart.

    Hahaha! What a naive girl I was.

    Something broke within me sometime between my previous message and this one that I’m writing now.

    I have no tears anymore.

    In fact, I don’t feel anything much right now. Perhaps this is what they mean in books when they say that someone is numb?

    We’re not fighting all day.

    We have laughs every day.
    We also have fights at a similar rate.

    My dad has a house of his own if I need to run back to a house of solace.

    The current house that my husband and I are living at is owned by us, with him having a larger share. And he rubs it in all the time, thinking that he is more wealthy. He doesn’t know that when my grandpa passed, grandpa left an inheritance for me that is good enough to buy a smaller house but I am not touching that money because it is a legacy.

    I’ve asked God to show me the road to take – if it is meant to be, my husband has to change from the inside out and to tear down the strongholds of sexual infidelity and to remove morally corrupt business associates who were the ones to introduce him to nightclubs, prostitutes and speak of women as if they were objects.

    I’m deeply ashamed to be the wife of this man.

    So if God thinks that this marriage is not to be, then I begged God to somehow allow me to have enough to buy my own house in 5 years without using any of my family money nor running back to dad’s house which has also been willed to me.

    I’m not a greedy Nor materialistic person. I strongly believe that abundance is given so thatcwe can help others in need. And that is what I’ve been doing. All that I have comes from God. I’m well-known for what I do and I have been in the news occasionally. I’m accustomed to being in the spotlight. Many have also thanked me for transforming their lives.

    But once the lights fade, Britney’s Cry comes to play.

    “She’s so lovely. She’s a star
    But she cries, cries, cries
    In her lonely heart thinking,
    If there’s nothing missing in her life,
    Then why do these tears come out at night?”

    Here comes the shocker :
    He follows me to church every few weeks. He prays at the altar. He even texted his colleague, “I’ll pray for your health in church.”

    He has no desire to divorce nor separate.
    Deep in his heart, he knows that I’m the only one who will stand alongside him and that I’m not materialistic as he had nothing to his name when we first got together and it was God’s blessings & diligence that he is a corporate high flyer today.

    The core of a human being is not in his possessions nor titles but his heart and purity.

    I can only pray that he will change for his own good, that God will raise angels up to battle against the various demons and strongholds. Only God can win this.

    I’m too tired to fight anymore.

    Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

    Dear God, I’ve always asked You to take the rein because I do not want to make decisions based on my own carnal desires or interpretation.

    I don’t know where this is going, God.

    But I know that You have my back.

    You’ve always had my back.

    And for that, I’m grateful.

    And thank you for giving me this forum with Christian sisters to share with.

    Amen.

    1. Iwasonceahappygirl,

      It does not sound like your husband is at all okay from what you are describing. And it does not sound like you are okay. I would implore you to reach out for help. I know you are a counselor yourself. But sometimes there are issues that are so big that a wife needs godly outside help to face.

      Obviously, a wife cannot change her husband. You can’t be his Savior. Only Jesus can do that. Many of us go into marriage thinking our love will change our men. We can certainly influence them and seek to inspire them. But if you are dealing with neurological issues and very deep emotional/spiritual scars – he needs Jesus and maybe medical help.

      There are times when things are dangerous or are extremely toxic when a godly wife may have to prayerfully consider separation.

      My greatest desire for you is that you receive the healing that is available to you in Jesus. Would you be interested in talking about that?

      Much love!

Leave a Reply to Natasha Cancel reply

%d bloggers like this: