Skip to main content

47 thoughts on “Maybe God Made a Mistake – Making Me This Way?

  1. Dearest April,

    You just gave me goosebumps with that psalm which I only “discovered” yesterday and which I have been wholly focused on ever since. God knitted us, God made every stitch and breathed life into every atom of us, how could He, being the Ultimate Father, not love and adore and cherish us!!

    Thank you dear sister for showing me always that I am on the right path! And thank you for being a truly special (and extremely beautiful) friend to women.

    Much love,


    1. Hope,
      You are most welcome, my sweet sister. I love this psalm! May you continue to learn more and more just how wide, deep, long, and high the love of God is for you.

      Much love and a huge hug to you!

  2. April,

    I also love your vulnerability in sharing, thank you for allowing us to open up and trust this space.

    I, too, was bullied at school for being flat-chested and thunder-thighed. I suffered greatly when my periods came and I started fainting at the sight of blood. Boy was I teased. I was told I would never marry. My family always told me this too as I am no domestic goddess; I have always been a person looking for higher ground. Slave to irregular periods, I used to be terrified my period would come when I least expected it. I spent about three years in fear. I became silent, scared to speak, and they said I had no voice box.

    I also got bulled because I was always top of the class, and because they said I thought I was beautiful. But I didn’t, I felt so ugly and worthless until I was much older and began to use that external beauty as a tool in life. Even then, I felt unhappy with my body, that shame that almost all women feel. I was so lost, trying to do mind of my own accord. Yet I have always seen the beauty and the good in others. It was only much later that I got comfortable in my own skin. The day that I received the Holy Spirit, 6 years ago, was the day I became truly beautiful. The day God’s love began to cleanse and renew me, molecule by molecule, moulding me into someone He could be proud of..

    However, God has blessed me with a new trial: a highly critical husband, a husband who too easily calls me stupid,and even more easily calls me old (now that my external beauty is fading fast), dried up (God hasn’t blessed me with children yet), not a real woman (due to my lack of prowess in the kitchen) and many worse things – I believe, just to feel better about himself (he feels less: less physically attractive, less educated, less well-off, less knowledgeable about the world, younger), or as God is revealing to me because he feels I will leave him because of that and some of the mistakes I made before we were together he tries to push me away.

    I have experienced this dynamic before. Even my atheist family has criticised and rejected me. I must admit, I have become an uglier person due to the extreme stress of my failing marriage (though that’s no excuse); I have reacted badly and I have cried countless times. Yet I know that God knitted me in the womb of that woman who has now rejected me. God knows my heart, and it is a good heart, full of compassion, benevolence and desire for Him. God knows I am beautiful, full of talent. God knows I am a worthless worm and at the same time His precious child, His desire made manifest. I pray that he blesses my marriage abundantly, it really needs it, that he bless my husband and family, but most of all that He may give me the strength to be His perfect daughter through thick and thin. I welcome your prayers as always for me and my marriage.

    Thank you again for Psalm 139! God bless you dear sister!


    1. Hope,

      Be encouraged sister! I see clearly in your story that the Lord has taken pains to make sure that you NEVER receive or rely on the praises of MEN (whether female or male)! I love when I come across stories like this because in them I see the wisdom of God! He has allowed such treatment from all those in your life in order to preserve your heart totally for HIMSELF. He wants you to desire HIM above all, and especially above the praises of men, even your own husband!

      Whenever I see this type of reality in a believer’s life, it is assurance that the Lord is working mightily in their life to break down any hidden pride, and any source of comfort in the creatures! Because the Lord is jealous for our hearts, and He wants nothing more than for us to turn to Him in whole-hearted surrender, we should count any ill treatment from others as His providence,in using it to conform us to the image of Christ inwardly!

      That is His purpose and plan when we are found in the situation you described! Being rejected, outcasted, and even mocked, and just treated ill for no reason! His plan is to use this trial, adversity, opposition, and the hardness of others hearts in order to mold your inward man in conformity to the image of Christ Jesus our Lord!!!!

      When we see that the Lord is allowing these things to happen, and has allowed them our whole life, and we accept it as His permissible will, we find true joy and peace and rest in knowing that His plan is to use all this opposition against us for our good! That is His sovereign power working out right there sister! 🙂

      So be encouraged, and see that in all the Lord is allowing and has allowed, His purpose is to humble you, and leave your heart totally in reserve for Himself! Turn to Him with all you’ve got, and see whether or not He will grant you the peace and joy that falls on those who are opposed and rejected without a cause! 🙂

      Lots of love,

      1. Bless you Amanda for your words of encouragement! I am not familiar with the idea of the inward man and I’m intrigued. Would you mind explaining it a little more?

        I am growing clearer in the idea that God is permitting this so that I will be all His…that perhaps that is the only benefit of this. I do so want to belong completely to God, without barriers. I haven’t always suffered unjustly; there was a chunk of 25 years in which I managed my life/environment and nobody ever said a harsh word to me, I was very popular! So to come round full circle, but worse this time, is quite hard to swallow. The most difficult thing is the fear that this is it, that this may never end…Will I ever be “good enough” for God to free me from this suffering? Would welcome your thoughts!

        1. Hope,

          I pray that the Lord will give you eyes to see and ears to hear sister! I also suggest reading the book of Romans in the Amplified Classic version (you can read it online on for free), because in this particular book, Paul explains about the Lord’s purpose and plan to conform us to Christ inwardly.

          But to help, I will share what the Lord has shown me in terms of this.’

          Before Christ died on the Cross, every single person born into this world was dead in spirit. We all have a spirit, soul, and a body. The spirit is that inward man in us that was made to be in union with God (God is Spirit, the Bible says). The Soul is that part of us made up of our mind (reasoning), emotion, and will. This is the part of us that satan got a foothold in Adam, and led him away from obeying God in spirit. So when Adam sinned, his spirit died — it no longer was in union with God. And satan became the god of this world, where all is made up of and based on the soul life of man.

          Think of it like this — before the Lord granted us repentance, and drew us to Himself, we were dead in spirit. We were not able to “See”, or “hear” God, or even know Him because the part of us (spirit) was still dead in trespasses and sin and we were not able to know God any other way. But when the Lord opened our eyes to the way of Salvation, which is only in Christ Jesus, and we were born from above, our spirit was given new life (reborn), and our spirit was then joined to the Lord (Holy Spirit). Now, those who are born from above have been given new life in the Spirit, being joined to Him inwardly. And those who are born from above are able to “See” God, and “hear” God, and know Him, only in spirit. Unless you are born again, you can not see the kingdom of God!

          Hope, when we are not born from above, we are living by our own soul life (mind, emotion, will”) — we are living to please our selves and we are dictated by our own will and desires and passions and lusts. This is what the Lord has delivered us from!

          When Jesus died on the Cross, he represented you, me, and the rest of mankind in the sinful state that we were all born into due to Adam’s disobedience. When Christ died on the Cross, He took us representatively with Him —- and now, in God’s eyes, our soul life is DEAD. Buried in the grave! And now, since we died with Christ representatively, we have also been raised with Him, and have been given new life (in our spirit), SO THAT NOW WE WILL LIVE NOT UNTO OURSELVES BUT UNTO GOD AND HIS WILL!

          That is the only way to please the Father! And that is what it means to pick up your Cross and follow Him! We “die” to our (soul) life —- and deny our will, our reasoning, and our emotions —- and live by being dictated by the Spirit of God in us, that is joined to our spirit!

          Here is the simple version of all this ——

          The Lord Jesus died in our place, so that He could redeem us from ourselves, and the world, sin —- and give us new life In Him — by believing on Him, relying on Him, trusting Him, and adhering to Him! Now those who have been given new life in Him are now called to live their life unto God and righteousness, and for God’s will alone!

          Christ has been made LORD OF ALL —— and He is the only one worthy of all worship and praise!

          And when we surrender to Him as Lord —- we are saying that we no longer live to please our own desires and will and way — but to please the Lord and do His will for us, no matter the cost!!!

          The Lord wants our HEART —– not our activities and religious deeds and all the outward things. He wants our HEART —- He wants us to be inwardly surrendered to Himself —- so that we are living not to please ourselves or others or anything else — but we are living to please Him, and do His will!

          And that is why He is pleased to allow those whom He has foreordained to be conformed to the image of Christ to be humbled by those around them in their life, because the trouble, and suffering and adversity leads them to depend totally on God, and give up all that they would love in this life, for His sake, to follow Him!

          The pressure may also be from another thing we can consider —– Paul in 1 Corinthians 16:22 says that if any person doesn’t LOVE THE LORD JESUS, let them be ACCURSED!

          Any person claiming Christ that does not truly love the Lord above all is ACCURSED and their life will look like it is cursed. We’ve all experienced this —- our life falling apart, relationships not working out, things just going so wrong in our life —– the Lord allows it to happen to wake us up and get our attention and humble us so that we cry out to Him, and He can teach us that He alone is God and He alone is worthy of our Love!

          The Lord is NOT here to give us a perfect life on earth. What would that profit us? If we had everything we ever wanted in this life? That is so far from the Gospel! The Gospel is that we are dead without the Life of Christ ruling and reigning in us!!! He is LORD OF ALL and that is what it is all about — not us and what we want in this life!

          I pray that all this might help you sister if you are seeking the Lord!


          1. Thank you Amanda for taking the time and effort to give me a detailed explanation, bless your heart! I have never heard the term “inward man” but now understand it to be our inner self or person. I truly do believe from your explanation that my husband and I are in test phase, that God is allowing us to suffer persecution as an effect of the ways we weren’t honoring him, ie fighting and also my husband’s immaturity and erratic behaviour which has led to poor guidance. My husband was a godly man but also a narcissist with controlling tendencies which have grown stronger. He is now in a bad way emotionally which has made matters much worse. I have always fought this oppression in my own home but I have shamed God with my reactions I’m sure. I believe as you say that the aim of what we are suffering is for us to put God first not just in word but also in action. The oppression in my home is a different matter, but God is using it to draw me nearer than ever for which I am so grateful!

            Thank you for your messages of love, dear sisters!
            love, Hope

            1. Hope,
              You are not in an easy position. But my prayer for you is that you will be SO filled up with the Lord, His truth, His power, His love, His wisdom, His discernment, and the victory of Christ that you will walk in continual closeness with Jesus and have His heart and mind to know exactly how to approach this challenging trial with your husband for the glory of Jesus. I pray for the resources, godly counsel, and sensitivity to the Spirit that you need. As well as for God to bring His victory to bear in your marriage, your husband’s life, and your own life. Satan no longer has authority in your life, you are a daughter of the King!

              Much love!

        2. Hope,

          The suffering you are experiencing from your husband isn’t necessarily about you being “good enough” in my view. It is primarily about his spiritual condition. Plenty of godly people, including Jesus, Himself, suffered unjustly and were persecuted. Persecution and opposition doesn’t always mean you are doing something wrong. There are many believers around the world today suffering for doing what is right.

          Satan would love to destroy you and make you suffer for your harm. But God is able to take what Satan wants to use for harm and use it, ultimately, for your good to help you grow and mature in Christ. I pray for His wisdom and resources for you, that you might clearly see exactly what He desires you to do each moment of every day. And I pray for God’s victory over Satan’s plans for you and your husband.

      2. Brilliant Amanda! G-D led me here. You eloquently expressed everything I needed to hear in this moment.
        Bless you sister.
        Praise Jesus

      3. Dear Amanda, be encouraged today, your answer to Hope was also an answer to me! I had many questions in heart when i opened this blog the other day and found your comment hitting “the nails on the heads” in my situation, so much so that i came back to it to write it down i my journal! May our LORD keep you and bless you! With Christ’s love, Daniela

    2. Everyone,
      Our daughter has been sick for the past 5 days – she has needed extra cuddles today. But I hope to get to jump back into the discussion in the morning. SO thankful for each of you and your contributions to this important discussion.

      Much love in Christ!

    3. Hope,
      Thank you so much for sharing a bit more of your story. I hate that you were treated so poorly as a young girl. It is very easy to let the hurtful words of others – bullies at school, or even friends or family – to define us.

      How I thank God that you received His Spirit and that you are receiving His healing! That is awesome!!!!!

      I know you and I have talked at length about your husband. This is a really tough place you are in right now. I know he is not well spiritually and emotionally. I pray you will only receive the messages that are true from the Lord and not receive any toxic messages from the enemy. I pray for your continued healing and spiritual growth and for your husband’s healing and spiritual growth, that you both may bring much glory to the Lord and His kingdom.

      Much love to you!

  3. Thank you very much for this post
    This blog help me very much (excuse me, I don’t speak english very good 🙂 )
    Be encouraged, you and your husband and your children to continue the journey!

  4. Sister in Jesus,

    We may be sure of one thing, that Our beloved Father does not give a figure that we are necessarily pleased with (I believe that some of those unkind people, at least were or would be now very envious of your figure). It is our inner “figure” the one that only God can fully perceive, the one that is turned toward Him or not that he is looking at. I do not think that He sees anything that is unfeminine in you. Please forgive me if I have crossed a line with this message.
    Thank you as always,

    PS. I pray for all of the sisters who have been denigrated by their families and/or husbands for their physical nature. That is sinful, unmanly and UnGodly.

    1. jesuscentreoflife,

      Yes! God is most concerned about the heart.

      We could always find things we don’t like about our human bodies. The most popular, beautiful girl in my 10th grade class admitted – during an exercise we did in English class one day where we had to say something we didn’t like about our bodies – that her neck was too long. I had always felt she was stunning and graceful and gorgeous.

      My prayer is that we might each choose to receive the gift of our bodies with joy and thanksgiving and not focus on the negative. And more than that, that we might focus on Christ and receiving our identity from Him. These earthly bodies are only a temporary tent, after all. If we can focus on wanting to be totally yielded to Him to please the Lord and to be available to do the work of the Kingdom, that is what matters most.

      Thank you for the encouragement to our sisters and to myself.

  5. April,
    Been awhile since I shared here…guys are mostly supposed to be elsewhere…
    In light of the transgender issues of the day, it is good to reveal the scripture you shared from time to time. We all have “body” issues to some extent. One should settle with what they have, embrace age and move on to a cup of coffee. My “body” issues were simple as I started a running regiment and remain at an ideal weight for my age as a man. There are many solutions to various weight problems.
    April, you say you are a twin? We have twins as well…boy-girl. (14yrs old)

    They say twins and parents of twins somehow find each other…

    1. Jeff,

      Yes, if we can focus on being thankful for who we are and what we have been given, there is such peace and joy in that kind of heart attitude. Discontentment is easy but it is not productive.

      Yes, I am an identical twin. 🙂 Congratulations on your twins! And thank you for sharing, my brother.

  6. I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. It’s amazing that I opened your blog today.

    I’m struggling because I’m confused about what I’m supposed to do about my weight. I’m recently divorced and since then I’ve let myself go because I don’t feel like I need to try to be attractive to him anymore, like he always seemed to want. I lost 90 lbs 3 years ago and I thought it would improve my marriage but it didn’t. It probably made it worse. He thought I would become more active and interested in outdoor adventures but I still liked to lay around and not do much. We grew apart and now although I’m happy with my life (no fighting with anyone, no drama), I seem to have had an “I don’t care what he thinks” attitude and I’ve been gaining weight.

    I feel horrible.

    Now I’m at a place where I want to re-lose the weight, become fit, wear cute clothes and just feel pretty. But that leads to thoughts of having people (men?) notice me and I would be ok with that. But that thought leads to wondering if I’m horribly prideful, which leads me to feel like weight loss would just be sinful.

    I should say attracting men is truly not my focus. I don’t think I’ll be ready for any kind of relationship for a long time. I didn’t want a divorce, my heart still hurts very much.

    So I’m at a crossroads. Give up worrying about my physical appearance and only focus on my relationship with God or while having a relationship with God, work on losing weight and liking my appearance.

    What do you think?

    1. Jae,

      I am so thankful you are reaching out and sharing a bit of your story. 🙂 It is wonderful to hear from you!

      I am so very sorry to hear about the pain of your divorce. That would be difficult. 🙁 I pray for God’s healing for your heart and soul – and that you might be able to rest in Christ and receive power and spiritual healing from Him.

      I think there is another option to consider in how to look at this. It is not a matter of either you focus on your body and health or you focus on the Lord. I believe this is a matter of yielding everything in your life to the Lord in obedience to Him. Part of that will be that you want to be thankful and be a godly steward of your body and health. So you would take care not to abuse your body or mistreat it. You would want to feed it nourishing food that will promote health so that you can be available to do the Lord’s work and bring honor and glory to Him. With motives like that, I believe you will be blessed.

      Much love to you!

    2. Dear Jae,

      I agree with April about being a good steward of your body being in line with God’s wishes. The body is the temple of the Spirit, which means that we should take care of the body – in many ways, one of which is weight / fitness / etc.

      When I was struggling with weight issues (although mine were different – extreme dieting interspersed with occasional binging, even though my weight was healthy, plus being hugely critical of my figure), an older friend taught me to pray by saying:

      “Dear God, thank you for this food. Please help me to enjoy it as a blessing from You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

      She explained to me that food is a blessing – something that God gives us to enjoy (so we shouldn’t starve ourselves), but not something that we should enjoy more than Him (so we shouldn’t overeat). To this day I still use that prayer every time I eat.

      The getting noticed by men thing is a difficult, many-sided issue. I think one thing we as women are called to do is to dress in ways that flatter us (to honor our femininity before God) while at the same time dressing in ways that are not revealing (to honor our modesty before God). It is natural to be flattered if a man notices us, but I think we should strive to make it the same kind of flattered we feel if a friend says our shoes are cute (i.e. It’s nice that you noticed, but I’m not going to spend any time thinking about the fact that you noticed, and I’m not going to base any part of my self-esteem on it).

      Men and women are both responsible for their own sins regarding lust. Let’s say a woman dresses provocatively and a man has lustful thoughts about her. The woman will be held responsible for the sin of dressing provocatively, but she will not be held responsible for the man’s sin of lust.
      The man will be held responsible for his sin of lust, but he will not he held responsible for the woman’s sin of dressing immodestly. It is also possible for there to only be one sin. The woman could dress provocatively, but the man does not look at her with lust. Or, the woman dresses modestly, but the man lusts after her anyway.

      Because you can only control your own sin, I would respectfully suggest that women not go to the extreme of deliberately dressing in a frumpy or ugly way to try to prevent attention. This honors your modesty, but not your femininity. (Just as dressing scantily may honor your femininity, but not your modesty.) Godly femininity is both feminine and modest.

      I am sorry about your divorce. May the peace of God be with you.


  7. First of all April, what a cute little girl you were and thank you for sharing your story. I was teased too because I wasn’t as developed as other girls were. But then if a girl was well developed for her age, she got teased. Seems like one can’t win. Is your young one feeling better?

    1. Regina S,

      Thanks for the kind words. 🙂

      We took a trip to the doctor for my daughter today. She has been suffering with an adenovirus and now has a very bad double ear infection. And school starts in two days! But she started on an antibiotic and has been deemed not contagious by the doctor. So she is very happy about that. 🙂 Thank you for asking!

      I remember that girls who developed early had it very hard sometimes, as well. Honestly, I think they may have it even worse – because the girls who developed early were often teased but also then became targets of flirting and a lot of unwanted male attention, even from much older men.

      These days, some girls begin menstruation at the age of 8 – which means their bodies develop curves even earlier than that. Sometimes second grade. It blows my mind what these precious little girls have to learn to handle at such a young age.

      I am so sorry you were teased, as well. I have a feeling we have all been hurt by other people’s hateful words at some time in our lives. I don’t think anyone is immune from that.

      Much love to you!

  8. Ah,that’s a sweet post, April. I love it! I too thought maybe God made a mistake. In my family I had to be tough, so I thought I could never be a sweet, gentle spirit, and I believed that things like resting in the Lord or submission, or any kind of softness at all, were beyond my reach, and therefore prevented me not only from embracing femininity, but from being a Christian, too. I actually kept my faith hidden in the closet for many years. Some people have some pre-conceived and misguided notions about what Godly femininity really looks like, and I internalized many of those negative messages. To this day people still tend to confuse “soft” with “weak” and “submission” with “passivity.” I know you’ve addressed some of these things before.

    The good news is, the Lord took me anyway, flaws and all, and today I actually am a sweet gentle spirit most of the time, and I enjoy femininity.

    1. insanitybytes22,

      I definitely didn’t have a “naturally” sweet, gentle spirit. And I sure didn’t easily “get” submission. That is interesting how those things kept you from embracing femininity and also Christianity. Wow!

      Yes, there tends to be a lot of confusion in the world and the church on these important topics.

      So thankful that the Lord loves each of us and receives us to Himself as we yield to Him. I love what He is doing in your life! That is awesome!

  9. Thank you, April!

    Your posts are always a great pick me up when I’m feeling down. This one, in particular, resonated with me as I am also flat chested and unfortunately am insecure about it.

    I have been reading your blog for 2.5 years. I am one of those women who has seen “success” on occasion by being very intentionally respectful. Your ideas, though sometimes hard to implement, definitely are received better by my husband than the disrespect. However I continue to be reminded that ultimately God is the one who needs my whole heart. My deep disappointment when I’m feeling hurt or rejected in my marriage – nudges me that I have not yet found complete contentment in Christ. That I still rely on the arm of flesh. I have seen God work miracles on my heart and that of my husband, interspersed with moments where I wonder where His hand is. But I can only control my reactions and actions and I do not yield to his Spirit as I should. Reading your posts and the comments is so inspiring as I consider the ways in which God is shaping me, teaching me, and strengthening me, even when I am hurting so badly.

    1. Working,

      I have to admit, I am very blessed to have a husband who is supportive of my figure and who has been fine with it whether I was a size 14 after giving birth or whether I am I size 2. But the awesome thing is that even if our husbands don’t support us and love us unconditionally, God does. 🙂 We can find refuge and security and strength in Him – no matter what our size may be.

      Here is a post written by Radiant about how we don’t have to try to be a trophy wife – that is something she struggled with for a number of years.

      I also invite you to search my home page for “body image” for some posts that I believe may be a blessing on this topic. As well as “insecurity” and “security.”

      There is also a post about dealing with disappointment here that may be helpful.

      It is so wonderful to hear from you! I know that respect doesn’t come naturally to us. It doesn’t come naturally to our sinful nature, or our female nature, and it is very countercultural, for sure. But it is so amazing that God can give us the tools we need to better understand our husbands and to communicate with them in ways that honor them and bless them. It is a win/win!

      Do you believe you need some resources to help with yielding more to the Spirit? Let me know if you do.

      Much love and a huge hug, sweet sister! I praise God for what He has done in you and for all that He is going to do for His glory and your benefit. 🙂

  10. Hi April,

    I hope your little one is feeling better. It’s been quite some time since I’ve commented here. So much has happened in my life. I took a break from blogs for a while. Sadly, for a time before that I took a break from blogs I should’ve been reading and spent a lot of times reading a couple that weren’t healthy – for me. They were by Christian authors, but not healthy for me personally. I think I avoided Peacefulwife because I was feeling anything but peaceful.

    Anyhow, a LOT has happened in our lives. In an effort to keep this brief I won’t go into details – much of it you know. The biggest turning point was about a month ago, when my husband and I had a HUGE fight. Our boys were both home, and it was a mess. But it ended beautifully. I basically broke down. I’ve never done that before – ever – even in times of great stress. I have always tried to not even cry. But I cried, a lot. Hours and hours of talking and crying. I have never felt so broken down. But at the same time it was incredibly cleansing. My husband was incredibly loving and I was able to finally begin to feel that love. I was kind of embarrassed that I behaved in such a way, especially in front of my boys (though they are older teens and were able to understand).

    (An interesting aside, I had blood pressure that had been creeping up for a while – around 130/90 – and a heart rate that usually hovered around 90 – 120 bpm. The other day I had a minor medical issue and had to visit two different doctors on two different days. Both times my BP was 124/78 and my heart rate has been around 80. That was exciting news! I guess it is true that stress can really take a toll).

    The interesting thing is, I finally have some measure of peace. Things are not perfect (in fact this past Sunday we had another argument, and there was more crying, but it was nowhere near as bad and we have finally learned to listen to each other, and work through things together), but it seems as if we are finally on the road to healing. I know I’ve said things like this a thousand times before, but this is different. For ever and ever I wanted to change, but I always still felt tied up in knots inside. The knots have finally untied. It was the weirdest feeling. I was completely exhausted for about two days after this happened. I have never experienced anything like this. God is so good, and so patient, and His mercies really are new EVERY morning.

    When I logged onto your blog today, this article caught my eye. I wasn’t sure I should read it. But I did and I didn’t have my old reaction. I understood. I was able to read it without a barrage of negative emotions. I then read the previous post “The Spiritual Healing…” by Radiant and it was amazing. I could relate to it so very much.

    In the past, I really did not like myself – my appearance – I truly felt like the ugliest woman on earth. I knew it was wrong to think so poorly about one of God’s children (myself) – and that caused an incredible amount of guilt. But I couldn’t even look at a picture of myself without being disgusted. I don’t have that problem anymore. There are still pictures of myself I do not like, just like any woman. And I don’t feel like “oh I’m so amazing – look at me” – but I no longer feel disgusted. I just feel like – well – me! I am sad and I regret all of the pictures that I destroyed and deleted. But the past is in the past. I can only move forward.

    My husband called me beautiful the other day. And I smiled.

    1. Becca,

      This is SOOOOO awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      You have been especially on my heart for the past week. I have been praying for God’s Spirit to go after you and to release you from that awful dungeon and bring you into His glorious freedom. I can tell that things are different. Just from the way you are writing and the way you are reacting to things. Totally different!

      This brings me tears of joy, my precious sister! I have been seeking your release from Satan’s hold fervently for a long time. What an incredibly joyful moment! To get to see that breakthrough and to see you begin to receive God’s healing and truth!

      I know there is still more healing to go. But I am SO THRILLED to hear about what God is doing in you both and how you are receiving good things from Him and talking with your husband. I’m so thankful you cried! That is a GOOD thing.

      And you are already beginning to feel God’s peace! WOOHOO!

      I actually have been thinking about you especially since I wrote that post. I wondered if I would hear from you. How I praise God that you were able to read it and understand it and not be overcome by lies! And that you were able to receive Radiant’s writing, too. YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!

      This is a moment I have been so looking forward to! I know the angels are rejoicing in heaven. And my prayer partners – who have also been praying for you – will be rejoicing, too.

      SOOOO excited to see all that God has in store and all of the healing that is coming as you receive God’s truth and love and as you receive good things from your husband!

      THANK YOU for letting me know!!!!!


      1. Thank you, April. Thank you for all of your prayers. Thank you especially for never giving up on me. You’ll be happy to know I have finally learned it is okay to pray for myself.

        Thank you for your patience. Yes, we have a long way to go. But we are finally on the right road. The other night, after we had argued again (and I cried – again!), my husband said to me, “let’s do this together. Let’s help each other heal. We can get through all of this together.” That made me feel as though I was very special to him.

        So much of what Radiant said in her post struck a chord with me…it was like she could see right into my heart! At least how I had been feeling for so long…

        “The vast majority of us have been beaten up and robbed on this battlefield of life. Our joy and peace have been stolen. The crucial truths about Who He is and who we are in Him – stolen…
        …we have believed lies of the enemy, and slipped into a frozen, dark prison. Bound in fear. Starving for nourishment. Always thirsting. Unable to breathe. Hearts racing…
        …Expecting ourselves to meet every standard of God’s law in our own strength, and living in constant defeat and condemnation when we don’t…
        …We believe we have tried. We have prayed…researching things to death – and yet we are…
        Still stuck.
        …We have felt like victims. Victims of others’ abuse, of marriage, of politics, of the medical community, of the school system, of the food supply, of the Church. Of our culture…
        …We start to believe the best we could get for is for someone to understand our pain”

        SO MUCH of that explains how I had been feeling for years. I so desperately wanted someone to understand my pain – and I felt no one could – and I had trouble believing God cared about what I saw as a “small thing” – but it was actually robbing me of the joy He wanted me to experience in my life and in my marriage. I started looking for answers in all the wrong places.

        Tonight my husband and I were talking about a whole bunch of stuff, and our intimate life was part of it. I confessed to him that I felt so much more relaxed and like we were so much more connected now that I wasn’t trying so hard. I used to feel like I had to try SO hard to be pretty enough to keep his interest. I told him tonight, “you know, I actually feel much prettier now that I’m not trying so hard to be pretty enough.” And he replied, “Absolutely. All I ever wanted was for you to be you. Now that you have gone back to just being yourself, you are so pretty. That’s all I ever wanted.” I was very touched by that statement. And even the fact that he’s been sharing his feelings is amazing. Sometimes it’s a little overwhelming, because he went from NEVER showing emotion other than anger, or discussing any feelings – to talking about everything with me. We’ve been married over 20 years and it all seems so new.

        Well I’d better get to bed. Sometimes when I start writing I just go on and on! But I did want to reply and thank you and your prayer partners so very much for praying for me! I needed the prayers desperately, even when I didn’t think so. Thank you so much. God bless you!

        1. Becca, that is just beautiful to read. I’m literally smiling thinking about how much your husband will be relaxing into this and I am so happy to see you happy. Take care, HH

        2. Becca,

          You are SO very welcome! I am honored to get to walk this road with you. The issues you had and Radiant’s issues have been very similar, yes. I completely agree. What a blessing that she has been able to share here, too.

          I LOVE that y’all are acting as a team. That you are not fighting him or trying so hard. I love that you are relaxing with him and enjoying him and enjoying being you. That is one of the greatest gifts wives can give our husbands – that we are content, peaceful, joyful, and satisfied in life. His words are SOOOO beautiful and loving. WOW! How I rejoice with you!!!!!! I want to have a party to celebrate!

          Thank you for sharing. This means a LOT to me – to get to see you begin to heal. To hear about your joy and peace. YAY!!!!!

          Much love, and may the Lord continue His good work in your life and marriage for His greatest glory! I can’t wait to see all that He will do!

    2. Hey Becca,

      I’m so happy to read this!!!! ☺ Praising God and rejoicing with you today!!!! I will pray for you today, for continued healing and peace! I bet your husband is also feeling pressure lifted too!

      Love in Christ, HH

  11. Thank you for this post. It was encouraging to me. I too have heard a lot of times that I looked like a boy. I am tall and I had short hair too. Even now I am still not a girly-girl. And no matter how hard I try, I will never be fashionable!

    Only recently I have STARTED to come to terms with this. It’s fine. What does it matter what people think of my appearance when I have a God who loves me so much that He died for me? This is still theoretically, I am still sad over the way I look and the fact that I cannot change my body. But at least it’s a start.

    What doesn’t really help is that my husband is really fixed on me having long hair. I like my long hair and I don’t want to cut it, but it would be nice to hear he would still see me as beautiful if for whatever reason I would not have it. But even just the thought upsets him and shuts him down. I feel like it’s all that makes me beautiful to him.

    Lately I have started to recognize the lie that my self esteem depends on my husband. Even if he would think me ugly, it does not have to determine how I feel about or see myself.
    (and I think if my husband didn’t feel this way I would never have gotten to this point, so maybe it’s actually a blessing in disguise!)


    1. audienceofone,

      I am still not a girly girl, either. And I am sure I will not be fashionable! I usually wear solid colored t-shirts and long skirts these days. The times I had short hair as a child were not my choice. And I did feel like a boy a lot. But as an adult, I did choose to cut my hair pretty short a few times, knowing my husband loved my hair long. I ended up having to spend more time than ever on my hair. I thought it would save me time, but realized I had to style it every day. So I ended up being glad to grow it back out.

      After I began to learn about being a godly wife, I also realized that the Bible says in 1 Cor. 11 that a woman’s long hair is her glory. And I read about how men think, and how so many men really love long hair on their wives. I decided to embrace long hair as God’s gift to me and also to think about my husband’s feelings about this issue. I ignored his feelings so many times in the past. Now, I hate that I did that.

      I don’t think most men believe that long hair is all that makes their wives beautiful. But I do think your husband is not alone. A lot of husbands seem to be very attached to their wives’ long hair. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

      I’m glad that you realize you need to find your worth in the Lord not on your husband.

      This may be a helpful post, as well.

      Being a Trophy Wife Is Not the Goal, Dear Sisters – by Radiant

      Let’s talk about this some more if you want to.

      Much love!

Thanks for joining the discussion! Let's keep it classy and respectful. I'm so glad we can walk this road together.

%d bloggers like this: