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How Could a Godly Wife Possibly “Respect” an Unfaithful Husband?

This post is merely a brief introduction to this weighty topic of dealing with a physical, sexual affair. It would take a book to do this issue proper justice. I cannot possibly touch on all of the things a wife would need to do in such a situation in one post. And what works for one wife in one situation may not be the best thing for another wife. Thanks for understanding! If your husband is cheating on you, please seek one-on-one counsel with a trusted, godly, experienced, Spirit-filled counselor. And most importantly, seek the Lord wholeheartedly and allow Him to lead you each step of the way. Let Him heal and transform you for His glory! He has the great wisdom and discernment we all need for every moment.

Adultery is a terrible thing. It is always totally inexcusable.

As are all sins.

God never gives anyone a free pass to sin against anyone else. God hates sin – and we should hate it, too. Sin destroys people and relationships. Let’s look at a few basic things about this issue before we get into how a godly wife could respect a cheating husband:

How God Views Sin

Something to keep in mind is that no sin is ever acceptable in God’s eyes. ANY sin that goes unchecked for long enough can destroy a person, a relationship, and/or a marriage. Sin always progresses if left to fester. It leads to more and more sin and pain, and then, ultimately, to death. (I’ll share a list with some links to various other sins that can be extremely spiritually and emotionally damaging to our lives and marriages at the bottom of the post.)

Any sin – in thoughts, motives, words, or actions – would send any of us to hell if it were not for the gift of grace offered to us on the cross by Jesus. Of course, we must receive that grace and yield our lives to Him as Savior and LORD to experience His forgiveness. But His forgiveness and the gift of the cross is available to us all.

God is love. But He is also holy. He can’t tolerate any sin in His presence at all. Whether our sin is that we ate a piece of fruit He told us not to eat (like Adam and Eve), or our sin is something we would label today as “a big sin,” it all destroys our relationship with the Lord. We all need a gracious Savior who is willing and able to pay the price for our sin on our behalf that we can’t pay.

We all are on level ground at the foot of the cross. We all need Jesus desperately – and equally. A wife is not “better than” her husband morally or spiritually – no matter what his sin may be. According to Jesus, only God is good. No people can be good in their own strength. On our own, we are all wretched sinners without hope. I’m so thankful God loved us too much to leave us condemned but that He made a way for each of us to be right with Him through Christ! No one is beyond His reach!

A Godly Wife Can Refuse to Repay Evil for Evil Whatever Her Husband’s Sin May Be

She doesn’t have to cuss him out, hit him, throw things at him, threaten him, be bitter at him, insult him, call him names, lash out at him in sinful anger, ridicule him, smear him to everyone she knows, gossip about him, slander him, hate him, teach the kids to hate him, condemn him, have a “revenge” affair herself, be bitter at God because of her husband’s decisions to sin that he made in his own free will, etc…

She doesn’t have to respond in sin. It would be extremely tempting to respond in the flesh, but she is no longer a slave to sin if she is in Christ! (Romans 6:1-14)

She doesn’t have to try to make him change or control him. That won’t work. He has a free will, just like we all do. He has to make his own decisions. She can’t verbally drag him into being a good husband. He has to want that on his own. She can seek to inspire and influence him and make doing what is right attractive to him – but what he does is up to him.

She can separate herself from his sin and not take on any guilt for his sin, knowing he is responsible for his decisions and sin before the Lord. She is responsible for herself. She can also humbly acknowledge that God is the primary one being sinned against by her husband’s adultery.

What She Can Do Instead of Responding in the Flesh

She can set a powerful, shockingly holy and supernatural example that makes him have to see Christ in her.

As he sees Jesus in her life, he will see the stark contrast of his own sinful life and the lack of holiness there. She can be a godly influence. She can conduct herself with dignity, grace, poise, and honor in her interactions with him. At the same time she gives him space to make his own choices, she can also trust in God’s sovereignty and rest in Him. As he sees the difference in his live vs. her life, God may open her husband’s eyes and he may be moved to genuine conviction and repentance.

I am not saying any of this is easy. Or that there are guarantees that a wayward husband would repent.

Humanly speaking, responding in godly ways is impossible. But with the Holy Spirit, a Christian wife can absolutely respond in God’s power.

She can seek to remain faithful to the Lord and continue on in the peace, joy, and security of God’s love for her. Yes she will hurt. Yes she will grieve. The pain of adultery is greater than the pain of widowhood, in my estimation. But she also has so much hope in Jesus! She can depend on the Lord to make something beautiful from this situation. She can entrust her husband and his soul to God. She can be free from fear, living in great faith in Jesus.

A godly wife can respect her husband, God, their marriage covenant, and herself. Meaning – she can think rightly about all of these things according to God’s Word.

She can claim God’s promises to her and proclaim His truth out loud over herself, her husband and her family. She can go through the house when he is gone and sing praises to the Lord at the top of her lungs and invite His Spirit into their home and into the family to heal all that sin and Satan have stolen. She knows that the Lord is able to repay her for the years “the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25). And she can truly have His joy and peace in the midst of her pain. She knows this is not the end of the story. She keeps her eyes on Christ, not the storm. In Jesus, she knows she is unshakable.

How Could a Wife Respect Her Cheating Husband in a Godly Way, Not an Unhealthy Way?

A lot of these things are ways a wife would seek to respect her husband at any time and with any sin going on in his life. Infidelity would be one of the most extreme situations that would be a very big spiritual test for any spouse. But no matter what her husband may do or not do, every wife has the choice and ability to obey the Lord for herself and to receive His reward for her obedience. How she thinks, speaks, and acts is all about her walk with Christ.

She can:

  • Respect that her husband is a person created in the image of God.
  • See him with God’s eyes to know what he could be if he turned to the Lord. She knows he is a beloved son of God for whom Christ died.
  • Speak respectfully to him and about him.
  • Be very cautious about sharing about his sin with others, only sharing when appropriate so that she can get the help she needs. She doesn’t have to tell all her coworkers or everyone at church or everyone on Facebook.
  • Look for any good she sees in him and affirm that.
  • Refuse to look down on him in self-righteousness, knowing we are all capable of any sin if we are far enough away from the Lord.
  • Deal thoroughly with any sin in her own life and repent to the Lord and to her husband, if she realizes she has sinned against him.
  • Respect that she is married to him and she can still honor her vows to the Lord and to her husband, although he has broken their covenant.
  • Humbly, respectfully introduce appropriate new boundaries and consequences because of his sin as she follows God’s leading and His Word (like separating and not being sexually intimate, for example).
  • Continue to honor her end of the covenant by avoiding adultery herself and by depending on the Lord to help her respond in the Spirit not the flesh.
  • Treat him in ways that honor the Lord because that is her character in Christ and it pleases Jesus for her to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:17-21) – not because her husband necessarily “deserves” honor and respect.
  • Feel her feelings and even express them to him, as appropriate (after she takes her thoughts captive for Christ), in God-honoring ways. She can express her pain and hurt without sinning as she abides in Christ.
  • Purposely not seek to turn his kids against him.
  • Do whatever she needs to do to focus on Christ and to experience His healing for her broken heart.
  • Surround herself with a godly support system, with the Word, with prayer warriors, and with God’s truth.
  • Avoid those thoughts, resources, and people who tempt her to react in the flesh.
  • Make sure she has on her spiritual armor.
  • Look to Jesus alone for her ultimate security, purpose, peace, joy, and hope.
  • Respectfully, humbly, lovingly ask that he genuinely repent and show proper fruit of repentance and that he be willing to rebuild trust before allowing him to attempt to re-establish physical, spiritual, and emotional intimacy.
  • Recognize the vast difference between forgiving her husband (which is an unconditional command of the Lord) vs. trusting her husband (which is not a command and is conditional depending on what her husband does).
  • Remain committed to obeying the Lord for herself, yielding to His Lordship in everything.
  • Plead over her husband for his soul before the Lord that he might find repentance, salvation, and regeneration knowing that his relationship with Christ is the most important thing, not the marriage.
  • Know who her real enemy is, and it is not her husband. She knows this is a spiritual battle.

A Godly Wife Knows:

  • She is not her husband’s Holy Spirit. She isn’t divine. She can’t convict him. Only the Holy Spirit can convict him or anyone else.
  • She is not his judge. God is his judge – and hers, too. The Lord will take vengeance appropriately and He will ensure justice is served. Either each person will pay for his sin in hell forever or he will receive Jesus’ payment for his sin and repent and turn to Jesus. A godly wife doesn’t want her husband or anyone to go to hell. She wants everyone to turn to Christ and receive salvation and new life in Him!
  • She is not and cannot be her husband’s Savior. Jesus is the only Savior.
  • She doesn’t want to be the Accuser of her husband. Satan has that role covered just fine without her help. She doesn’t want to make her mouth available to the enemy.
  • Her husband is ensnared by the enemy, like we all are at one time or another, and that he needs Jesus to set him free.


A Harvest of Righteousness Awaits Those Who Walk in Obedience to the Lord

As she avoids sinning against her husband, because she is abiding in Christ, all her husband will have to look at is his own sin. Eventually, her godly life will pour conviction on him without her having to preach or lecture or tell him how sinful his life is. If He is going to hear God’s voice and repent, a believing wife’s willingness to do things God’s way make it as easy as possible for a husband to see his sin and experience conviction. She can’t make him repent. But she can influence him in amazing ways.

Whether he ever repents or not, she will have the satisfaction of knowing that she has no regrets and that she handled herself rightly. She won’t have to apologize or repent when she walks in the victory Christ has provided for her. She can wait with joyful anticipation to hear God say those wonderful words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And she will enjoy the rewards of her obedience forever in heaven.

She may even get to see her husband there, too, forgiven before the Lord, radiant and spotless, part of the perfect bride of Christ. Not only that, but God may use her obedience and faithfulness to Himself and her godly example to draw countless other people into the Kingdom. What a glorious celebration that will be!


Ultimately the goal has to be, “Whatever will bring You the most glory, Lord – do that in my life!”


If you have been in a position like this or similar to this, and God has shown you how to respond in godly ways, I invite you to share the wisdom He has given you with our struggling sisters.


If you have a very difficult marriage and you need spiritual healing in Christ so you have His wisdom and power to know how to handle your husband’s issues, check out Nina Roesner’s Becoming a Woman of Strength and Dignity eCourse!

What Should Be the Response of a Christian to a Spouse’s Affair? –

Resources for those whose spouses have committed adultery from John Piper

When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.”

25 Ways to Respect Myself

25 Ways to Show Reverence to God

25 Ways to Show Real Respect for Your Husband

17 Tips to Ask for What You Desire Respectfully

How to Be a Safe Place for Your Husband

Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them

Is It Possible to Disrespect Myself?

I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually 

Are We Responsible for Our Spouse’s Happiness?

I Am Responsible for My Emotions


151 thoughts on “How Could a Godly Wife Possibly “Respect” an Unfaithful Husband?

    1. Prayinglikehannah,

      Yes, what a powerful influence a godly wife can have. Not in lecturing, preaching, or condemning him, but in showing him “Jesus with skin on.” As he sees the way she responds in the power of God and he knows he can’t do that, it is an incredible witness. Not only that, but her godliness is attractive. God can and often does use a godly wife’s righteousness in Christ to draw a husband to her and to Himself.

      Much love, my precious sister. I continue to pray for your husband and for you.

  1. April, this is such a great post. I’m in this situation and its refreshing to see someone encourage wives in this type of situation to act this way. It encourages me so much to not feel alone when I read posts like this.

    My husband has been in ongoing affairs for over 3 years now. We are completely separated with almost no contact but there are still ways that I honor God by respecting my husband. Thank you to my church leaders who have guided me this way to encourage me in faithfulness in all areas of my life during such a terrible time. God has used this time to grow me exponentially in my faith.

    You’ve touched on everything that I would say and I think one of the most important points is to look at it as honoring God. There is nothing to respect about my husband or his actions but, at this point for me, it’s not about my husband, its all about God.

    I am honoring God (and my husband) by remaining faithful to my covenant marriage. I do not seek a divorce or to end my marriage (but I am living in a healthy separation and not accepting my husband’s behavior), I do not slander him to others, I act with integrity towards him, I try to be at peace with him (sometimes he asks me for something and everything in me wants to be vengeful towards him and withhold but Christ’s love compels me to act kindly towards him).

    To be honest, the hardest thing for me to do is pray for him. Thats something I’m continually asking God to soften my heart to, but thankfully, God has allowed me to act in a respectful way even though my heart is hurting and struggles towards him. The world (and unfortunately a lot of people in the church) think its crazy to live this way while a husband is committing such a terrible sin, but I am trusting that God is using this situation for my good and His glory. Like you said, I can trust that I will see my rewards in Heaven.

    1. Jeanne,

      I’m so thankful to hear from godly wives who are facing this kind of incredible trial and to hear about what God is doing. My heart breaks over your pain. I can certainly understand why you needed to separate and why contact is so limited considering what he is doing.

      But how I praise the Lord for what He is doing in your heart and how He is growing your faith. It brings me unspeakable joy to read about how you realize that the way you treat your husband and think about your husband and speak about him are all about your walk with God. It is all about honoring Him. THAT is AWESOME!

      I’m so glad that you are living in integrity with God’s help and power and that you will not have regrets. Yes, there is much wrestling to do against the flesh in these situations. When we are sinned against, our flesh wants to get down off the cross and take over. But I am SO thankful that, in Christ, you are experiencing God’s victory and responding in His power!

      I pray God will continue to heal your heart and soul and that He will continue to help you grow by leaps and bounds in your faith, that He might be greatly glorified in your life. I pray for your husband’s soul. He is imprisoned by the enemy – and how I long for him to wake up and repent before it is too late! I know God could make something so beautiful from his life if only he would trust Him and allow the Lord to transform him.

      I love your trust in God. That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing with all of us and for being an encouragement and inspiration to others who are struggling and hurting. If there is anything else you would like to share, we are all ears!

      Much love and the biggest hug!

  2. I am in a marriage where my husband has been unfaithful to me. Thank you for this encouraging article. I would like to also encourage other women who have discovered their husbands unfaithfulness that there is hope. Not every situation has to end in the breakup of the family. I found this website, It offers Godly counseling and wisdom for those navigating this horrible situation of betryal. The pain is like no other, but God can restore what Satan tried to destroy. Be careful what you read and the counsel you seek, because there are far more who encourage and teach divorce rather than seeking God’s desire for the marriage and possible reconciliation. My husband and I are on the road to recovery and I encourage you that reconciliation is possible with God’s help.

    1. Prov31lady,

      I’m so very sorry to hear about the pain you have experienced, my precious sister. But how I praise the Lord for what He is doing in your marriage and in both of you lives! That is awesome! WOOHOO! Thanks for sharing this resource.

      1. All,
        I am planning to allow people to share resources that have been helpful to them. I don’t have the ability to vet every post on every site. So please always compare any teaching to scripture and only receive help that is in line with the Bible.

        Much love!

  3. Hi April, I haven’t commented in awhile, but after reading this excellent and much-needed post, I want to emphasize to anyone who has discovered their spouse is involved in infidelity how important it is for you to seek support for yourself through this immensely painful time.

    April beautifully points out how important it is that we approach this situation without sinning against the one who has sinfully betrayed us. At the same time, there needs to be a way to manage and sort through the pain and emotions you are going through, and not to minimize the reality of this situation.

    If there is a safe person, with whom you have built trust over time that you can reach out to, please don’t go through this alone. But, I know many people do not have someone like this in their lives, or have no resources to obtain professional help.

    I want to highly recommend some very Biblically sound and practical, free videos on YouTube by Patrick Doyle, who is a Christian counselor, as a start for someone who may need help and direction. There are a plethora of videos on topics beyond just affairs, and so many of them are applicable to someone who is being sinned against.

    Patrick Doyle wisely does not offer specific​ “cookie-cutter” advise and attempt to apply it to all situations. The videos will help begin to equip you with understanding and tools to deal with what you are going through as you seek guidance from the Holy Spirit and wise counsel for your specific situation,.

    Here are just a few for starters.

    Setting Boundaries in Relationships

    Forgiveness (This is NOT the same as reconciling with someone).

    How Reconciliation Works

    May the Lord comfort and guide each of you who are facing this painful “giant” in your lives. Remember, and be encouraged, that your heavenly Father has never given us cause to shy away from giants–tough, seemingly impossible situations in our lives. In fact,, He gives us courage to face them head on and have victory over them.

    -Heather (HisHelper)

    1. HisHelper,

      Thank you so much for sharing these resources.

      I LOVE the encouragement you give wives here and how you inspire them to face their giants in the power of Christ. WOOHOO!

    2. HisHelper,
      Thank you for your recommendation on Patrick Doyle. Just listened to the YouTube video, Setting Bondaries in Relationships. It was excellent and very helpful to me regarding a lifelong toxic relationship that I have struggled endlessly with. Very practical, concrete advice. Just wanted you to know it was an enormous Blessing to me.

      1. That’s awesome, Eliza! Patrick Doyle really has a gift for understanding the issues, and clearly explaining helpful ideas in facing difficult situations, doesn’t he?! Thank you so much for letting me know!

    3. HisHelper;

      I just checked out some of the videos of Patrick Doyle. I am enjoying them and have shared some of the videos with family and friends. He speaks of the fact that churches often focus on saving the marriage, at the expense of spouses who are being abused (emotional abuse was the focus of the videos I watched). He mentioned that often the church counsels wives in those circumstances to, “love him more,” “fulfill his needs more” etc. His perspective is that there has to be consequences to the actions of the abuser. It is really interesting and entertaining to watch his videos. Nice suggestion.

      1. I think, sadly, Patrick Doyle is correct in regards to a lot of modern churches. He really has a no-nonsense approach to dealing with sin, and it is a breath of fresh air and weight lifted to be told that, while someone who is being sinned against must not sin in return, that the one in a relationship who is committing sin needs to be held accountable for their actions. I love how he emphasizes that this is the most loving thing a spouse as well as a church can do for the sinning person.

        1. I love it too. Although it has been a while since I read Dr. James Dobson’s book called “Love Must Be Tough,” I think if I am not mistaken, he expressed the same sentiments. What Patrick Doyle talks about is that being “more loving” (cook more, attend to all his needs more, fulfill his desires more etc. amidst being treated badly), does not help to bring him to a place of conviction, and it is conviction by the Holy Spirit that brings about change. According to him, an abuser abuses more when there are no consequences. I am sure the “loving more” prescription convicts “some,” but my guess is that, that is a minority.

        2. HisHelper,
          I know I wish Greg had addressed my sin sometime in those first 14 years of our marriage. Ideally, the first summer we were married. It was not a gift to anyone to let my sin go on and on unaddressed.

          Scripture has a lot to say about dealing with other’s sins against us.
          – Matt. 7:1-5
          – Matt. 18:15-17
          – Gal. 6:1-2

          And it also talks about that we are to overcome evil with good.

          I notice that there is often a delicate balance in the Bible – and that it is easy to go to extremes. But when we do that, it is destructive. If we confront without love and respond with resentment or sin, that is not going to work. But if we seek only to do good and we don’t appropriately, humbly, lovingly address sin, that is also a problem.

          We have almost completely eliminated church discipline in most churches – except sometimes for the staff. And we don’t really teach how to address sin in godly ways very much in many of our churches. But we all need to know how to do this. I haven’t gotten to watch any of Doyle’s videos yet, but I am glad that they seem to be a blessing. 🙂

          This is an important discussion. Thanks for sharing, prayinglikehannah and HisHelper! 🙂

          1. True April, and I appreciate your words of wisdom. As you always teach, ultimately our goal in *all circumstances* should be to honor Christ. If we try to evaluate our actions and words with that goal in mind, that will help us to try to do what is right, even when it is difficult. It is never right to try to be mean and cruel to anyone, even those who hurt us.

            There are always exceptions, but generally speaking, I do not think anyone has to worry about the church advising them to respond with “resentment and sin”; and that’s good. Yes, there is to be a balance; but the issue is that there is already an imbalance which swings in the direction which is against the victim. So that is why Patrick Doyle’s focus is on the other end of the spectrum, which is what in his experience is most commonplace.

            It is my personal opinion that there is a difference in context between loving someone and “being loving towards” someone. When a child is misbehaving, I think a parent would be acting out of love, to act firmly to discipline the child, to bring consequences to the child for the action in order to deter the child from continuing along that behavioral path.That would not be a time to be giving hugs, warm smiles, rubbing noses etc., which would in this context be examples of acting “loving.” When I see my child doing something very wrong, my response is not one that I think my child would describe as loving or warm in that moment, although that does not take away an ounce of love I have for that child. I know that is an oversimplified example, but it is just an illustration.

            We should love everyone at all times, but I think what Patrick Doyle and the book Love Must Be Tough are saying, is that protecting one’s self is not wrong and there should be consequences to negative behavior, not rewards. This “smile, be warm and fuzzy and just endure it” that seems to be commonplace advice given to women in the church, cause harm to many. He used the way Jesus responded to the Pharisees as an example as He called them out for who they were. Emotional abuse causes deep rooted pain and damage. However, I think many of us (myself included) on the surface of our thoughts do not always see it as “bad as physical abuse,” when we are not the victims ourselves. I agree that we are to overcome evil with good, but what that means in the context of a victim of emotional abuse and an abuser is likely where there are disparate views. Even Jesus Christ protected himself from people who wanted to harm him.

            Only the Holy Spirt can convict the heart of a sinner. An abuser is manipulative and uses every opportunity to prey on his victim. Typically the thought is not that, “Oh she is treating me even better now, so I should stop being such an unkind spouse.” On the contrary, it is “Now I really know that I can get away with this.” When he gets warm fuzzies from his victim, that does not generally win him over. That emboldens him to continue his behavior. Does that mean the victim should act like a terrible woman and disrespect herself and God? No. It does mean that she can stop trying to reward the abuser for his bad behavior. There are ways a victim of emotional abuse can maintain her dignity and simultaneously protect herself from the continued disrespect by her spouse.

            1. prayinglikehannah,
              I agree, there are absolutely ways for wives to maintain their dignity – showing proper respect for the Lord, self, husband, and marriage. I’m so thankful we can address sin as believers, we don’t have to “pretend everything is okay.” It breaks my heart to think that wives would be taught, “Just take abuse and smile.” I’m looking forward to watching these videos when I get a chance. 🙂

              1. PrayinglikeHannah,

                I do understand why some women may think they hear “Just take it and smile.” This is where it is so imperative that we have a close relationship to Christ, that we understand scripture rightly, and that we hear the Spirit’s voice clearly.

                There are times when a husband is far from God, that a godly wife will follow 1 Peter 3:1-2 as far as talking about spiritual things goes. She will wisely not bring up God, Jesus, the Bible, church, etc… and quietly show a godly example.

                Some people think that 1 Peter 3:1-2 means that Christian wives can’t address sin in their husbands’ lives. I don’t believe that is what that passage is saying. I understand it to be saying that we are not to use words to witness to our husbands who are far from the Lord. That we will witness, to seek to draw them to Christ, without words. But witnessing to our husbands is different from dealing with sin against us.

                Now, if both husband and wife have been contributing to verbal/emotional abuse – there can be times when a wife simply being quiet in response to her husband’s hateful words may bring conviction. That may be all a wife has to do. But – she will need to be sensitive to the Spirit’s leading.

                I know for my situation now, all I have to do if Greg (on very rare occasion, thankfully), says something that hurts me, is to remove myself a bit emotionally/physically. And he immediately feels conviction and repents to me. I may say something like, “That hurt.” But sometimes, I don’t even have to do that. He is so used to me smiling, being full of joy and light, and my respectful demeanor (which is all a God thing), that he immediately can tell if he did something hurtful and he apologizes. Of course, this did not happen earlier in our marriage when I was sinning against him so much with my terrible attitude. I had to deal with my sin first.

                But there may be situations where a wife has dealt with her sin and her husband continues on being emotionally/verbally abusive, and there are certainly times a wife would need to respectfully, humbly, lovingly, and firmly address her husband’s sin against her.

                I think it is important for each of us to recognize that we need God’s discernment as we seek to apply godly advice, and even scripture, rightly. Certain things are appropriate for some situations that would not fit for others. And also, sometimes there is a lot of internal dialogue that needs to be right. Some women might hear “Just take it and smile” when that is not actually the inside story as God leads a specific wife in a specific situation.

                Much love!

              2. Hi April:

                There may be some women who “think” that is what they hear. I am not one of those women, neither am I talking about those situations where women do not know what they really hear. If women are hearing things that are not beings said, that should be addressed for sure. I do not want to become distracted by those situations, because that would take away from the real issue to which I have been making reference. I am talking about the real life situations when that is the implied or implicit recommendation that women receive. There are times when “take it and smile” is *absolutely* the path that women who are in terribly abusive (even if not physically) situations are advised to take.

                Be nice, continue to wash his clothes, make him a nice dinner, smile with him, trust God to change him and just continue to play your part as a wife, do not respond firmly, that would just be loving because we should not respond harshly to others, let the power of God shine through you by showing grace etc. They do sound like fabulous things and the Bible itself is often used to keep women in abusive situations. There are times when an abuser must face the consequences of his sin, when a wife can be civil and retain her dignity without inadvertently rewarding an abuser for being an abuser. Some women may need to prepare ahead of time, many women in abusive situations are trapped by lack of financial or other means to support themselves, or even by fear.

                As I said previously, the balance tends to hang heavily in the direction against the victim. Not everyone is going to be encouraged to change their abusive ways even when their spouse (the victim) displays the best and most Christ-like attitude. Further, enforcing boundaries, protecting and respecting one’s self is not being “unChrist-like.” The truth is not everyone will even be convicted by Christ and although God has the power to change everyone, the reality is that for whatever reason known only to God in his awesome knowledge – he does not change everyone. Surely a woman is not to just remain a victim of abuse, showering “rewards” without consequences in those situations, where there is no repentance.The power of God can do anything, but a woman in an emotionally abusive situation need not think she is God. Jesus Christ himself ran away from those who sought to harm him sometimes. He did not stay and try to win over everyone with his miraculous powers.

                As you said, Greg say something to hurt you only on “very rare” occasions. So, I would not compare your response to Greg in situations that will happen in any marriage, to the expected response from a woman who is in being treated harshly by her husband – remember emotional “abuse” is what I am talking about. I am talking about repetitive, unrepentant sin by an abuser that demoralizes and destroys his victim. I also respectfully disagree that a wife must act “lovingly” in those situations. I agree 100% that a wife should act “in love.” There is no room for hate, but I have already explained in my previous comment what “lovingly” in that context means to me. I would not be loving to my child who just said mean horrible words to another child. I would respond in love, but that would not be a time when I am “loving.” Anyway, that might just be semantics 🙂

                I acknowledge that you April, are way more experienced than I am. You also clearly have the anointing of God’s power over your life to be used in a mighty way to help women. You have a heart filled with love and compassion and it is evident that you are a gifted woman of God. Therefore, whatever I say here are just my own thoughts, as a Christian woman myself. At the end of the day, we will all have to be at peace with how we apply what we understand the word of God to say in different situations. We will all be accountable to God and each person must ultimately seek what He is saying to their hearts in their own unique situation, and make sure they apply scriptures as it was intended.

                Thanks for your ministry April.

              3. prayinglikehannah,

                I agree that when there is true verbal/emotional abuse going on a wife would need to address it. And I understand what you mean about the differences in acting “lovingly” vs. acting “in love.” 🙂

                The only reason I bring up all of these other scenarios – is that women from all of these various scenarios will be reading our dialogue. And I know that misunderstandings can easily arise – so I hope to prevent that from happening.

                Yes, there does need to be appropriate confrontation about sin and consequences for unrepentant sin. A wife in such a situation would not be helping by acting like things are fine. She would need to address the sin being committed against her, as well. Unrepentant sin doesn’t magically go away. It escalates and snowballs and becomes very toxic.

                I appreciate your thoughts so much!

                Much love,

              4. Thanks, prayinglikehannah. 🙂

                I got to start watching one of the videos yesterday and liked what I saw so far. I hope to get to watch some more today. 🙂

  4. I have been married for 15 years and dealt with my husband’s infidelity for the first 11 years of my marriage.

    One day within the first year of my marriage, I was enraged and had made up my mind to ruin my husband’s career and the woman whom he was seeing, they worked together. I was driving there full of rage and pain – talking to God. I pulled out onto the side of the road and finally told God that He needed to fix this because I could not and to do what I wanted would bring my flesh a temporary satisfaction but nothing more. I became calm at that moment. God gave me comfort and peace. I left Him to deal with my husband with that and clung to God.

    He dealt with that infidelity within moments which I found out many years later.

    There were many other short-lived affairs but I clung to God letting Him take care of that issue. I told Him that my husband was His to deal with and I remained faithful.

    There did come a day when it all stopped. My husband’s focus changed. He is an assistant pastor at our church, we have an outreach we do together and he actively works with other churches and pastors to see how to help the community and individuals within it. It took a while but God was faithful to me by giving me peace, strength, love, all the things I needed when I needed them.

    Today I do not feel any type of anger or hate towards my husband because of God’s faithfulness. He never left me or forsook me, He was there every moment. I can’t say that it was easy or painless or that I did not have moments where my flesh wanted to take over, but I kept telling myself that those issues were between him and God no longer mine to deal with.

    I pray that perhaps my summation of a very long story can give hope or help someone who is dealing with infidelity. It isn’t easy but if you believe in God’s promises he can change everything for His good.

    1. Dee,

      Oh, wow.

      I can’t fathom. Eleven years! 🙁

      Thank you SO much for sharing a bit of your story. I can completely understand that you were upset about your husband’s affair. But PRAISE GOD that you were talking to God and that you decided to trust Him to fix things instead of taking vengeance yourself. THAT IS AWESOME! And how amazing to find out so much later that God did take care of the issue within moments of your prayer of surrender. WOW!

      I’m so thankful for God’s healing for you both. And for your faith in Christ.

      Much love to you!

  5. I am continuing to struggle to figure out & do what is right in my marriage. I am not sure whether my husband has been unfaithful with another person. He does not come home until the middle of the night or the next day sometimes without any phone call, text, or explanation for the most part. I began to feel like a prostitute having the only interaction with my husband being in the bed when he would get home from I don’t know where in the middle of the night. I eventually told him if he can’t tell me where he is going or where he has been or interact at any other time with me than the bed I would not participate. I am not seeking separation, but feel confused on a day-to-day basis on what I should be doing.

    1. Confused,

      I think the not knowing would be harder than knowing for sure in a lot of ways. You don’t want to sabotage the marriage or accuse him wrongly of infidelity. But – you do want to know that he is being honest, trustworthy, and transparent.

      I think you were wise to say that if he can’t tell you where he is going or where he has been or interact in any other way with you other than in bed, that you can’t be available to him. You do need to know that he is being faithful to you in order to be available to him sexually.

      How is your walk with the Lord going?

      What did he say when you set this limit?

      How long has this been going on, precious sister?

      Much love and the biggest hug to you!

      1. I continue to draw closer to the Lord for strength. I know this struggle is temporary, but have trouble in the moment. When pressed my husband will provide some type of excuse & I am aware of his abuse of his prescription medications although according to him there is no problem. He will stay out & then not get out of bed for multiple days.

        My back and forth struggle comes when I think that he maybe isn’t actually committing adultery. If he is just not choosing his family or wife as a priority for his time, am I then withholding love? He does not see a problem with his actions & I am nagging if I bring it up. When I did put a stop to our intimacy he had a few times where he wanted to discuss our problems, which got nowhere. He now seems complacent to be roommates. His all nighters started over a year ago.

        I understand that what he is doing is wrong, I just want to make sure I’m not doing wrong as well.

        1. Confused,

          Oh, that breaks my heart even more – especially as a pharmacist – to hear about his abuse off prescription medications. 🙁 This has become a massive epidemic in the USA. We try to give people rxs to help them, but so many addictive prescriptions end up ensnaring people in addictions. Of course, until he is wiling to admit that there is a problem, he will not seek help. And you obviously can’t make him seek help.

          It could be very hard to know exactly what is happening. I would hate for a wife to withhold sex if her husband is not committing adultery – but how a wife in such a situation needs God’s wisdom.

          Is he willing to go to a godly counselor with you?

          What kind of spiritual support do you have?

          What things have you been praying for yourself and your husband?

          Would you be interested in a “spiritual check up” for you? I want to see you as filled to overflowing and strong in Christ as possible so that you will have His power and wisdom to know exactly what He desires you to do and so that you can hear His voice clearly.

          Much love!

          1. He spoke with the Pastor once & has refused to go together. He hardly comes to church anymore. I haven’t been that comfortable to speak to the male pastor about my personal intimacy issues. We’ve just spoken about my struggles with resentment & disrespect. It’s a smaller church & I don’t want to alienate him.

            1. Confused,

              Are you and your husband talking about anything at this point?

              Would you want some private one-on-one counsel, possibly?

              I can respect the fact that you wouldn’t want to talk about intimacy issues with your pastor.

              1. My husband & I only speak about necessary things at this point (who is going to pick up the kid). He’s not home most of the time, but when he is he will go upstairs & watch tv in the bedroom while my son & I are downstairs in the living room. But he still acts like there is nothing wrong. I’ve considered finding a counselor to go to solo, but I’m not sure I can find the time to go. I pray for God to open my husband’s eyes. I pray for God to guide my steps. Everything seems so messed up & walking around like everything is fine seems so bizarre.

              2. Confused,

                Obviously, things are not fine. 🙁 But it is really painful for people to face their own issues, and a lot of people will avoid doing that.

                There are Christian counselors you could speak to online, if you are interested. I know that has a free counseling service where you get one counseling session free and then they can often refer you to a local Christian counselor in your area. Also, is a Christian radio station that has pastors and Christian counselors people can call and speak with privately. Perhaps that may help?

                Most of all, my prayer is that you might be as healed up and overflowing with Jesus as possible. I know He can give you wisdom about what you need to do. When to speak and when to wait and pray silently. When to confront and when not to and what to say exactly. I pray for the Lord’s healing for you both and for your marriage and family, my precious sister.

                And I am glad to do anything I can to direct you to resources and to be here to talk with and to pray with.

                Much love!

  6. Reading this article makes me reflect on how I treated my father when he got involved in an unrepentant affair. I did exactly the opposite of what this post suggests. I responded with anger, hatred, scorn, revenge and cruelty. My goal was to punish him and make him suffer for what he did. I said the most terrible things you can imagine to him and about him and lashed out at him in every way I could.

    I even contacted his other woman and sent her nasty letters telling her the worst things you can imagine. The way I treated them both was absolutely evil and was an open invitation to Satan to enter my heart and ruin years of my life. It turned me into a hateful, bitter and cruel person. Because of that, I basically had no friends since I would do hurtful things to offend people and they would avoid me like the plague.

    I have since repented and God has slowly opened my eyes to my sinfulness and healed me. I have a whole new heart, mind and soul now! I cling to the Bible very closely and try to follow God’s direction in every part of my life. I’m now warm, positive, loving, patient and forgiving to everyone. Now that I know the evil I’m capable of, I really hang onto Christ because he is the only good thing in me.

    I would never recommend that anyone reacts to a family member’s sin the way I did. No matter how hurt you are, it is essential to seek godly counselling and aim to act in a godly way. Don’t let anyone encourage you to hang onto anger or get revenge on anyone. It would be much better to follow the godly path that April has described in this post.

    1. Nikki,

      I am so thankful you shared your story. A wife would certainly feel extreme pain and betrayal when a husband commits adultery, but you are so right – children do, too.

      We tend to think our sin is justified if someone else sinned first, but our sin will destroy us and our relationships. Thank you for this warning to others not to handle someone else’s sin in this way. If you are interested, maybe we could write a post about this issue together for my site for single women about handling a parent’s infidelity?

      Much love to you!

      1. Hi April,
        I will definitely consider writing a post on this issue…although I am the poster child of reacting 100% the wrong way.

        1. Nikki,

          Really, what you shared in your first comment is super helpful – I may use that, if that would be okay – and then share some of the ways a believer in Christ could respond to a parent’s sin. If there is anything else you want to add, just let me know.

          I believe that God even uses our sin for His glory. He can use my sinful reactions from those 14 years of my marriage when I was disrespectful, controlling, and prideful to help other women learn from my poor example. And I believe He could use your fleshly reactions to help prevent other believers from responding in the same way you did.

          Thanks for considering it!

          Much love!

  7. Hi April,
    I’m think that most women who react to their husband’s sin in the way you have described here will receive a lot of opposition from those who would encourage a sinful path (eg. get revenge, have an affair yourself, cut him out of your life completely, treat him with cruelty). Please consider writing a post of how to deal with opposition when we choose a godly path.
    I’m thinking mostly about my sister-in-law. She’s not a Christian. In fact, even since I met her 20 years ago, she has a very demonic hatred of anything or anyone Christian. She’s open and accepting to all religions except Christianity and has tried to push me to accept her new age philosophies ever since we met. She has aggressively opposed anything I do that is Christian. Even when I go to church or read the Bible, it is somehow deeply offensive and infuriating to her. She has screamed and shouted at me and viciously attacked me with insults and mockery on more occasions than I can count for simply believing in Jesus and following his ways. Her cruelty has been deeply painful to me.
    Because of her opposition to a faith I hold dear, I had no choice but to make the difficult decision to distance myself from her considerably. I only speak to her when I have to and I keep everything on the surface so that she knows that I don’t want to be close to her. I’m not sure if that was the godly way to react. As such, I’m humbly asking you to write a post on how to deal with opposition when we choose to follow Christ and walk in his ways.

    1. Nikki,

      There is opposition to handling ANY situation in godly ways. Absolutely! Satan HATES it when a Christian responds in the Spirit rather than in the flesh. There are always people ready to target us for our faith and for our obedience to the Lord. Even when we are talking about dealing with “small sins” of a husband or things that aren’t even sins, there are so many women who believe that no wife should ever extend grace to her husband and that any kind of honoring our husbands or respecting them is “oppression” and “slavery.”

      I have a post about this general concept here, “Don’t Expect Outside Support,” which just deals with how other women may react when a wife decides to seek to become a godly wife and to treat her husband with honor and respect.

      This is a spiritual battle. It is very interesting how many people want to be so tolerant of every possible religion except for Christianity. But they don’t realize why. And yes, it is demonic opposition. If someone is far from God and meddles with the occult, or holds onto bitterness, or builds their lives on lies – he/she can easily open the door to demonic influence and become a mouthpiece for Satan.

      If you can recognize that she is in bondage to the enemy, and that it is his words pouring from her mouth, and that she needs the deliverance of Christ – that may be helpful. Do NOT absorb any messages that are not of God. Reject the messages of Satan. And remember that once her eyes are opened and she repents and receives God’s Spirit, she would be a completely different person. Her attacks are not about you – they are against Jesus.

      I can understand why you have distanced yourself from her. My prayer is for you to have God’s Spirit and His wisdom about how best to approach her.

      I have had a close friend attack me a few years ago verbally, as well. She was SO angry that I was talking about God and that I had a ministry for Him. She professed Christ but was spiritually extremely oppressed. One time, I was trying to explain E. M. Bounds book about The Necessity of Prayer and how a Christian doesn’t have to sin every day, we can live in God’s victory. She screamed at me and accused me of teaching a “cult” and told me that God would never use me. I realized at that point that I couldn’t reach her and cried the whole two hour trip home. I stopped trying to talk to her about God and got my prayer team to pray for her. Two months later, God surrounded her with strong believing women in Christ and they prayed over her and she was delivered from her spiritual oppression. Now she is one of the strongest Christians I know.

      Romans 12:17-21 describes how we are to treat our enemies.

      But there are also verses that talk about that if we share the gospel and someone rejects it and treats it with contempt, we are to “shake the dust off our feet,” and leave.

      We can’t open people’s hearts to God. We can’t open their eyes to the gospel. But we can pray. And we can respond in the power of Christ to those who curse us, hate us, and mistreat us. We can respond with blessing, prayer, and goodness.

      I experience a lot of opposition at times here online, as well. The first thing to do when you experience opposition like that is to praise God for the persecution and the honor of being insulted for the name of Christ.

      Here are some verses about persecution and how we are to respond.

      I will definitely prayerfully consider writing another post about this important topic.

      Thank you for sharing – I pray that God will deliver your sister-in-law from Satan’s snare – that she might be born into the kingdom of Christ and experience His new life! I pray for God’s victory over her life and that He might open her eyes and draw her to Himself. She is beloved by the Lord and a lost, prodigal daughter for whom Christ died.

      Much love!

      1. Thank you April for your advice, sharing your story and your prayers for my sister-in-law. You’re the first person I opened up to about my trials with my sister-in-law. Your prayers for her have helped me to open my heart to her and see her as a lost prodigal daughter for whom Christ died, instead of just seeing her as a mean, cruel person. I really appreciate your help. Much love to you!

        1. Nikki,

          Yay! That is awesome! I’m excited about the new perspective God is giving you and the way He can help you love her as He does – as well as the wisdom He can give you in how you relate to her.

          Let me know how things go!

          Much love,

      1. I love, love, love these three statements:

        “A godly wife can respect her husband, God, their marriage covenant, and herself. Meaning – she can think rightly about all of these things according to God’s Word.”

        “Respect that she is married to him and she can still honor her vows to the Lord and to her husband, although he has broken their covenant.”

        “Continue to honor her end of the covenant by avoiding adultery herself and by depending on the Lord to help her respond in the Spirit not the flesh.”

        I have wrestled, and wrestled, and wrestled with the concept of a second marriage for months and months now. Last Thursday I pleaded with God for wisdom on this matter. “Lord, what do you want me to do!? My life is yours Lord. I don’t want to be married to my ex wife, there is nothing about her that is attractive to me anymore, the decisions she has made have destroyed romantic love within me. But, not my will but yours be done. I am YOURS Lord, I will take up my cross and follow you wherever you lead. I have counted the cost and I want Christ! Please show me what would best honor you.”

        God knows that my heart is His, for His glory, in complete surrender to Him on this matter.

        Then, on Friday night my son brought his ipad from my ex-wife’s home. He had written on a piece of paper the password she uses to purchase games. The password is our wedding date.

        On Saturday, on what would have been our 11th wedding anniversary, I went to a local garden with a friend from church. I was taking some photographs of my children surrounded by a silver sculpture frame and had a massive “dejavu” feeling. I looked back through the photos on my phone and realised that I had been sent a photo of my children posing in the same way in the same sculpture, from my wife, 1 year ago to the day.

        On Sunday, a visiting minister preached on repentance and reconciliation.

        I don’t necessarily think that these were specific signs telling me what to do, but they did remind me over and over of the covenant that I made with my wife. I stood before her, God and many witnesses and vowed to be faithful to her until the day the Lord takes me home. As I pray about marriage, I can only find peace when I accept that I will live in honor of the vows I made to my wife until the day that I pass into eternity. Anything else would be a denial of all that Christ is to me.

        I stand, not because I feel wanted, loved, respected, honoured or cherished by her, but I stand because Jesus Christ stood for me. Is not this “loving your wife as Christ loved the church”? Didn’t He love us whilst we were sinners? Wasn’t His blood shed on the cross for people who despised Him? Mocked Him? Crucified Him? How can I extend any less love to my wayward wife? If I am to claim Christ as my own, the only choice I have is to sit in agape love for her. This may mean that I spend the rest of my life in celibacy and in the eyes of the world as a single man. So be it.

        This decision will be scorned by many that I know. It will be rejected by many at my church, by many of my own family. I will be told that I am a fool, that I should move on and look for a godly woman to take her place. Perhaps some will accept it as a good thing. Perhaps not. It is not for anyone but Christ, and in my heart, I have peace.

        In Christ, HH

        PS: Please know, anyone reading this, that not a single word I write is in condemnation of anyone in a second/third etc marriage. It is purely and only a reflection of where my heart is before my saviour and how I want to honor Him, and I trust that God has led you to where you are in your own situation.

        1. My dear brother,
          Let me just express my deep respect for you and your love and obedience for Christ.
          I am now in the same situation as you are and it all feels like dying.
          Reading your post, my eyes are full of tears, knowing that what you said is so true and that only a humble, God-fearing man can come to a conclusion like that.
          My deepest wish for you is that God rewards you with all the blessings that you need. 🍀☉

        2. HH,

          When I see this attitude and this kind of prayer:

          “Lord, what do you want me to do!? My life is yours Lord. I don’t want to be married to my ex wife, there is nothing about her that is attractive to me anymore, the decisions she has made have destroyed romantic love within me. But, not my will but yours be done. I am YOURS Lord, I will take up my cross and follow you wherever you lead. I have counted the cost and I want Christ! Please show me what would best honor you.”

          I know God is going to lead in mighty ways in that believer’s life. THIS is what it means to submit to the Lordship of Christ. We lay out our desires before the Lord, but more than that, we make ourselves available to Him and to His will, whatever it may be, whatever it may cost us, and we seek to please Him far above anything else in our lives. That is beautiful. And so powerful!

          I know that the Lord will direct your steps, my brother. Each of us will ultimately answer to Him alone.

          Thank you so much for sharing!

          1. Yes. He will lead me. And, if He leads me to see that He wants me to stop standing for this marriage He will make it clear to me. God is good. HH

        3. HH,
          I just wanted to say it’s an encouragement to me to hear how you are seeking to honor your covenant despite the difficult situation you are in. I’m in the same type of situation and resonated with what you said about not wanting to be with your wife again. I feel the same about my husband but have that strong conviction that I am to stay married bc of how I believe God views marriage. I’m prepared to be a married single person for as long as God has me on this path.

          It’s very lonely in the sense that most people don’t support or agree with this sort of extreme view of marriage. Thankfully I have a few people who affirm me in my decision so I just wanted to do that for you. It’s amazing and encouraging to me to hear the way you are seeking to honor God and your wife this way. Yes, you are loving the way Christ loves the church and what an amazing example of God’s never ending covenantal love towards us that you are displaying to a watching world.

          You are not alone, even though if feels that way. And God will reward your obedience!

  8. My dear April,
    Words are not enough to say “THANK YOU!” for all this that you are doing. I know that in you, God blessed me with a wonderful sister in Christ and a dear friend!

    First, I just have to tell you about what happened on Saturday and I hope others may be encouraged somehow, as well. You have no idea how you reach people who never even heard of you, are waiting on the station and don’t even speak English! ☺

    Around noon, I was going home from church with a dear friend of mine, let’s call her A.

    We came to the tram station, talking and discussing my situation. There was 7 – 8 people there, too.

    So, I told her: “Remember April, I was telling you about her?!”

    She said: “Yes, the one you are in contact with, right?!”

    And so, I was telling her about the posts you wrote and I sad: “You have to hear the prayer she wrote for all of us who are in painful trials.”

    And I took my mobile phone, found this prayer and started to read and translate. Next to us, there was a lady and I saw that she really wanted to hear what I’m saying. She was really paying attention. So, right there, I was translating this prayer and people were listening, they stoped talking to each other.

    As I proceeded, my friend was in tears and said how she feels blessed with this.

    Tram came and soon, we reached her station and she stepped off.

    She called me some 15 minutes later and told me that it turned out that this lady I mentioned earlier lives very close to her place and she asked her if she could talk to her. She said that that prayer was just what she needed at that moment and that it was so nice of me to share it like that. They talked for a few minutes and agreed that they’ll talk some more these days.

    My friend, A, said: “You speak of April so much, you really have to do much more translating and not keep to yourself all that wisdom she is sharing.” 💟☉🌼

    Well, I have to say that so many times I had and still have deep conviction that I have to do that! ☺

    Also, A honestly thinks I should start a divorce ASAP! But she also says I should pray and counsel with somebody about it. Another very dear friend of mine think so too. They are extremely angry with him.
    I’m thinking a lot about, there is so much to it….overwhelming and extremely painful!

    Thursday afternoon, he showed up, asked me how am I  (I just said – fine.), he played with our youngest kid, he made some pancekes and stayed over night. I didn’t want to sleep in the same room.
    In the morning he said that he loves me and wants me….I refused him, of cours. I couldn’t help myself, I said (in a nice tone of voice and watching my facial expression):  “May lightning strike me so that not even one bone could be found if I’ll let you approach me while situation is like this.”
    He appeared to be sad, hoping that I would change my mind, but I just left
    Later, when he was leaving for work, he said “bye” to our youngest daughter K and told her that they’ll play again in the afternoon. That was friday morning. Again, he didn’t show up or contacted any of us by sunday afternoon, when he showed up again.
    Yesterday he wanted me and K to go with him and visith his mom. I refused. I talked to her on the phone, explained why I can’t go anywhere with him and she said that she understands completely and that we’ll see each other with out hom.
    His influence on kids is devastating (remember what my older daughtet said about him and how early in her childhood she was saying that she does not have a dad).
    If we divorce, I can not imagine that he would have right to spend some weekends and holidays alone with K, take her where-ever an make her spend time wit that other woman. Terrible!!
    I know God thakes care of his children in a very tangible ways and in many small details.
    Still, the situation that I’m in is tearing me apart, I have trouble sleeping and my heart rate at night is very high.
    I still don’t know what will be with this pregnancy, do I really have a blighted ovum or the dates were off. I’ll see a doctor tomorrow morning, than I’ll know more. This waiting feels like dying!
    Also, today is one sad annyversary – 25 years ago we were baptised together.
    Broken and hidding in God’s palms, sending all my love!
    (I hope my English is not too bad.)

    1. Irena Bonnie,

      Wow! Thank you so much for sharing about reading and translating that prayer and how it blessed others. That brings tears of joy to my eyes and my heart. God is amazing!!!!

      Your English is fine. 🙂

      How I long to see your husband repent to you and to the Lord.

      You have all authority on heaven and on earth. You reign from Your majestic throne room in the highest heaven. You possess all wisdom and power. You are love. You are truth. You hold time and space in the palm of Your mighty hand. All of our problems are small issues to You. Nothing is too hard for You. No one is beyond Your reach.

      I praise and thank You that You are at work in Irena Bonnie’s life and in her children’s lives and in her husband’s life. Lord, we pray that You will go after him and bring him to Christ. Whatever it may take. His very soul and eternal destiny is hanging in the balance. He is ensnared by the enemy and doesn’t even know it. Open his eyes to the Life that is found only in Jesus. Bring about this miracle that only You can do. We plead for his salvation and for his transformation into the image of Christ that Your Name might be greatly glorified in this family’s life and that Satan will have no victory here. We pray in the authority and name and will of our Lord, Jesus Christ.


      I pray that you, Irena Bonnie, will rest in faith and trust in the Lord. Like you are lying in a spiritual hammock surrounded by His love, goodness, faithfulness, and sovereignty, safe from Satan’s plans for you. Safe from his flaming darts. Protected by your shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of readiness to do God’s will, and encompassed by the wings of the Lord and His angel armies. Rest in Him. Receive all of the good things He has for you in this time of waiting. Lay it all before the Lord as a sacrifice to Him – anticipating how He will bring great glory from this trial.

      We are praying with you and surrounding you with love.

      Much love!

  9. Some encouraging thoughts to be considered, all written by E.G.W., more than 100 years ago:

    “It is not wise to look to ourselves and study our emotions.
    If we do this, the enemy will present difficulties and temptations that weaken faith and destroy courage. Closely to study our emotions and give way to our feelings is to entertain doubt and entangle ourselves in perplexity.
    We are to look away from self to Jesus.”

    “Christ is the wellspring of life. That which many need is to have a clearer knowledge of Him; they need to be patiently and kindly, yet earnestly taught how the whole being may be thrown open to the healing agencies of heaven. When the sunlight of God’s love illuminates the darkened chambers of the soul, restless weariness and dissatisfaction will cease, and satisfying joys will give vigor to the mind and health and energy to the body.”

    “Forgetting our own difficulties and troubles, let us praise God fot an opportunity to live for the glory of His name. Let the fresh blessings of each new day awaken praise in our hearts for these tokens of His loving care. When you open your eyes in the morning, thank God that He has kept you through the night. Thank Him for His peace in your heart.
    Morning, noon and night, let gratitude as a sweet perfume ascend to heaven.”

    “Christ is the same compassionate physician now that He was during His earthly ministry. In Him there is healing balm for every disease, restoring power for every infirmity.”

  10. Humbled Husband

    Thank you for sharing. May you be blessed abundantly for obeying His leading. You are displaying huge courage in very trying circumstances and surely a great inspiration and example! Marriage is a ministry in which you commit to serve one person virtually indefinitely and unconditionally.

    I also want to take the opportunity to thank and heartily bless April and Greg and their family for their ministry and guidance. May our Lord Jesus bless you exceptionally and continue to lead you and use you for His glorious purposes.


      Thank you so much for the encouragement!

      Please do continue to pray for God to enable us to be obedient and faithful that He may be greatly glorified!

  11. Excellent April. I have walked this painful journey. Your article gave voice to what God lead me to do. Kindness and forgiveness and daily prayer kept my dear family together. We are battle worn and the scars are healing. My husband is calling our Pastor this week because he “can’t seem to be able to put his broken life back together”. How I’ve prayed for this moment and this Holy Spirit moment. I struggle April with remembering the painful treatment and what I’ve read and seen. I know how to center myself in God’s Word and change my attitude. I actually stayed awake all night for the excitement of happiness! I never knew wickedness like I know of now. There are people who do not care if your husband’s married. They will date them and have no shame in breaking a covenant. Fear rose up in me seeing this wickedness. I know God loves me and the sinner the same. I even pray for the women who hurt our family especially my daughters. There are times when I want justice and consider reporting what I believe is wrong not just for me but the next victim to follow.

  12. As a woman of age looking back over my life, I can honestly say that if I had it all to do over again, the one thing I would NEVER do is to get married! It is begging for bondage, heartache, despair, and never having the ability to be what Yeshua really wants you to be. I strongly urge all women to STOP and really pray, fast, and seek God as you never have before before you take that step. Ask Him what He wants, not what You want. He will open doors for you to study and make something beautiful of your life where you can obey Him fully and not have the abuse, torment, and problems that marriage entails. I know that many will disagree with me but those who have been there know what I am talking about. Love God, cling to Him, let Him be your everything! Then when you are my age, you will not have to look back with regret. God bless you all.

    1. Ruti,

      I am so very sorry to hear what a painful experience you have had. 🙁 My heart breaks for you, my sister!

      Yes, it is extremely important that we are sure were are truly seeking God, praying fervently, and fasting would be an awesome idea – before deciding to marry someone. Being married to an abusive spouse would be extremely difficult. I don’t want anyone to put themselves knowingly into such a situation. How I long for anyone who is not safe to be able to get somewhere safe.

      For the single ladies who are reading, you are welcome to go to my other blog and search for things like:
      – red flags
      – red flags part 2
      – how can I tell if I am ready to be a godly wife?
      – preparing to marry a man on a mission
      – questions to ask before marriage

      These posts should help a Christian woman to “vet” a potential spouse. But much prayer is needed – and hopefully godly, wise counsel, from a godly father and/or pastor, and maybe even a godly mentoring couple.

      Scripture does say that those who marry will have trouble in this life. Paul encouraged believers to be single as he was. My prayer is that we might each follow the Lord’s leading carefully in our own lives. I believe that as we are close to Him, abiding in Him, living in the power of His Spirit and of holiness, He can and will direct our steps.

      No matter if we marry or not, God must be our everything!

      Much love!

    2. Its just an update April. He has arranged the meeting with our Pastor. It will be Wednesday of next week. Please pray. I see such a change in him. I’m finally seeing the glimpse of the Godly man I married 37 years ago. It was the last three or four years that he totally broke down in health with cancer, drinking, other women, and most importantly he turned his face away from God. I know this is the time for God’s work to begin. Bless my family dearest Father! Bless each of our children. Minister to us Lord. Bring your prodigal home. Greet him with a cloak and a ring.

      1. Vickie,

        That is awesome!

        We praise and thank You for all You have done, all You are doing, and all that You will do in this marriage and family. We thank You that You will continue the good work You have begun. We praise You for Your goodness and power to change people and to bring them back from sin and to heal and cleanse them. We thank You for Your ability to bring about reconciliation and healing to marriages and families by the power of Your Spirit. We pray for Your Spirit to continue to direct Vickie and her husband and for Your greatest glory to be accomplished in this incredibly difficult trial. Thank You for Vickie’s faith in Christ and for the strength You have given her and the heart of Christ she has for her husband.

        1. April,
          I have a good report. Thank you for your love in Christ for families and marriages. You are truly a unique and fresh look into submission and direction in how to live a life for Christ. My husband decided on his own accord to seek counsel with our pastor. The pastor is texting him and checking on him daily. I am so blessed to see God’s work in my husband. He has always talked to women counselors and confided in women. I’ve felt in my heart this to not be helpful in his situation. He needed a man to mentor and hold him accountable and share in prayer and encouragement.

          I have literally seen a change in his very countenance. His facial features have softened and his smile is the smile I’ve seen years ago. He will not confide in me his entire story and that is OK. What matters is the fellowship of another man who loves Jesus.

          I yearn to not be complacent or compromise my faith. I desire to draw closer to Jesus for healing the pain of my heart. It comes with the same intensity but, not as often. I feel my body relax and rest in a new way. Its a rest that only God can give. I look at life differently now. The beginning of my protection in my nightmare came from a wise Godly elder women counselor:
          – Find something to thank God for every day.
          – Keep a journal of gratitude.

          My mirror was covered in verses that encouraged me or promises that never fail. They were on my refrigerator too. I kept a journal of prayers to God and still do. You know I stopped watching TV or listening to secular music. I would do three Bible studies a day. I prayed prayers that I would repeat everyday. It ended up being over 200 requests. I don’t do that now. I felt God wanted me to rest more in him. It’s in the praise that He lifts our head. It is in thankfulness, forgiveness, kindness He lives. He holds us in our pain. He tells us He will not leave us.

          I told my children…”What kind of faith would I have if I could not forgive your Father? How could I honor God and live my faith without compassion and kindness?” I am so far from understanding kindness. I sometimes want to take revenge on those who hurt my family. I know it is wrong and I must right my attitude with love and prayer.

          Thank you, April. Thank you dearest Majestic Lord and Savior.

          1. Vickie,

            How I praise God with you! I’m so thankful that he has a godly man in his life and is accountable to him and that he sought the pastor out! WOOHOO!

            What a wonderful thing to hear your update. I pray for God’s continued radical healing for you both, and for your marriage and family, my precious sister!

  13. As a wife who has recently gone through my husband’s infidelity, this article is spot on. Thank you! I love reading things that I have discovered myself (with God’s help) in this trial!

    After a rough beginning to this journey (where I tried it MY way, worrying, feeling sorry for myself, and pleading with him), I began to rest in God and allowed Him to pour into my life, instead of lashing out at my husband. I may not have done everything right in response to him (and looking back, I probably would have changed a few things.) but I allowed God to lead me and I entrusted my husband to God’s care. Of course, I was deeply hurt by all of this and it wasn’t easy at all but God sustained me and held me. The grief of it all still can overwhelm me.

    I’ve read several places since, that grief (of any kind) lessens only the frequency and duration, over time, but not the intensity. So, at first, you are “under water”, suffering in the darkness for days and days. And suddenly, you can see the light. You feel the hope of God, that He can change things for the better. The grief is heavy and often, early on. But time ticks on and the times you are “under water” become shorter and farther between, the grief is still just as heavy. The trigger moments lose their sharpness. And you also know that the light is coming, God is with you and he won’t let you be overcome.

    God is good and faithful and steady and He is the rock in the storm. He can silence the wind and the waves with one word and He won’t let you be “in the fire” for any longer than you can stand. My husband and I are moving forward to reconciliation and it is a miracle. We were brought to the brink and we were almost lost but God saved us. God won! But more than that, I was reminded that God is my ultimate love, the lover of my soul. And that is the best of it all.

    1. MMM,

      I’m extremely thankful that this was a blessing to you. Your story is a blessing to me! And I know it will be a blessing to so many others who read about what you have learned. How I praise God for the way you learned to trust God. WOOHOO!

      There is definitely grief in adultery, separation, and/or divorce. In my view, it is worse than the pain of a spouse’s death. I’m so thankful to hear about how God is healing your heart. And how God is beginning to heal your marriage. THAT IS AWESOME!!!!

      And yes! God is the Ultimate Love. How I long for us to all experience Him like that.

      Much love and a huge hug to you!


    2. A blessed day Ms. MMM

      Amen for that! Your endurance had won!…How are u nowadays?

      I am looking forward to hear more of u…

      Sincerely yours,

  14. Dear April,

    I was inspired by Irena Bonnie’s comment about how others who do not speak English could benefit greatly from your words. Given that many of us on this blog are also fluent in languages other than English, I was wondering, would you be interested in having some of your readers translate your posts into other languages, as a way to help out with your blog? If it’s something you’d be interested in, please let me know, as I personally would be very happy to translate for you (and I expect others would be happy to as well!). 🙂


    1. Flower,

      I have actually had several women, maybe 4-5, over the past few years, who asked if they could translate my posts into their native language. I am totally fine with that! I know there have been some posts translated into Japanese, Spanish, Swedish, and maybe German. Usually these women have their own blogs in their languages and they translate my posts and put a link to my posts.

      If there is a better way to do this, I am all ears. I would love for more women to get to read about the healing they can experience in Christ. 🙂

      Much love!

      1. Flower,
        The only thing I can’t authorize – is for people to translate my book into other languages. I don’t own the copyright, Kregel Publications does. And it will be up to them to publish the book in other languages, but if people want to translate my posts, that is great.


      2. Hi April,

        I do not have my own blog, but I would be happy to help with German translations (I should state that I am an English-speaker who learned German, not the other way around).

        As for additional or possibly better ways to do translations, some websites have little flag icons with labels in the top right-hand corner, and clicking on the flag changes the language of the website’s content. The user can switch between languages at will. Sometimes the content is only partially translated (ex – some sections, not others), so it doesn’t have to be an “all or nothing” thing. It can be ongoing as more and more parts of the site are gradually translated into the other language. This way it’s just one website, but many languages. And, of course, the user will not see “doubles” – meaning a post in Language A followed by the same post in Language B. (i.e. English speakers will notice absolutely no difference, and people speaking other languages will only notice a difference if certain parts of the website have not been translated to their home language yet.) I have some experience with computer science, and I believe that adding icons to switch between languages should be fairly straightforward, if you were interested in pursuing this route. The advantage of this is that your actual blog becomes multi-lingual. 🙂

        If you were interested in going this route, I would suggest having a group of volunteer translators for each language who translate new posts into the target language as they are posted (e.g. couple-day lag for the post to be viewable in the new language). These volunteer translators could also go back into previous content (older posts, the “about” section, etc.) and translate those as well over time.

        PrayingLikeHannah – thank you so much! 🙂


  15. I just think that What God can do in those dark situations is so beautiful. We NEVER naturally think to see and understand someone who has deeply wounded us as a flawed human being just like ourselves, and we’d NEVER naturally or automatically think to look at this person as someone that God still deeply loves. Or seek to see them as God sees them. Actually, from a fleshly or human point of view that is TOTALLY ABSURD….But when we really know Jesus, we know it’s the only way that works. I have seen victory in that in my own life.

  16. I’m the husband in this story. This article was tough to read. I know that I have sinned, am a sinner, and that forgiveness not guaranteed. We have 4 kids and have been married 12 years. I moved out the house Saturday (2 days ago) and I am so flippin’ lost. She asked me for a divorce whenever I got back from a 5 week long work trip. I fought it everyday, but she was adamant that she received peace from the Lord.

    I was caught (busted) in an affair a little over a year ago. We spent the better part of a year in counseling together, but I never took it and ran with it. I just wanted “normal” again. Normal wasn’t going to happen until transformation happened. I didn’t realize that in time. She got fed up with me, and my not taking our marriage and the consequences of my mistakes seriously. I don’t like consequences, and I have been so far from the Lord over the last few years. I just wanted to sweep it under the rug and move forward together.

    I was wrong.

    She needed to heal. I needed to heal and repent. The bummer is that it took her following through with a divorce for me to finally wake up. I’m awake now, and all around me is a total nightmare. I am so lost.

    She has said a few times since she asked for a divorce (2 months ago) in conversations between us that we may get back together after a while. I love to hear that, as it gives me and my heart so much hope, but I don’t know how to “do” life in between.

    I am seeking Christ and trying to bend to my knees and surrender, but I don’t want to. I know how. I know I should…but I don’t want to.

    “I’d become so obsessed with fighting for my marriage, I failed to pursue God first. I was making an idol out of my marriage and expecting my husband to meet all my needs (issues that had existed early in our marriage as well) instead of truly trusting the Lord to take care of me.” This is an excerpt from a post on 2/18/2016; I read this everyday to help me remember my purpose and what my proper goals are.

    Thank you for your blog. I’ve been enjoying reading it.

    1. Brokenman,

      I’m on the other side, a bloke who’s wife was cheating, multiple times, multiple blokes. I’ve had things like “it’s your fault I was cheating” and “I can’t apologise, because if I say sorry that means I’m taking responsibility for cheating and I don’t feel responsible for it”. And, although I was willing to work on our relationship, comments like that are nails in the coffin.

      Accept the consequences. Whatever reasons you might think you had to cheat, she isn’t responsible for your actions, you are. She needs to hear genuine, total, unconditional repentance and remorse for what you have done. Any justification of your affair will only push her further away, any desire for “normal” without letting her go through the healing process that she needs will only make things worse.

      An affair is a potential marriage breaker. How the affair is dealt with is a definite marriage breaker. Your wife needs to see broken repentance over the pain you have caused her, and the brokenness and surrender needs to be REAL, not faked to “get her back”. You can’t sweep something like that under the rug. It’s too big, it isn’t one of the “love covers a multitide of sins” issues. It needs total transparency, total humility and total surrender.

      You don’t want to surrender, I get that. But, if you don’t, this lost nightmare will only get worse. Guaranteed. There is peace for you. God can use this situation to bring you to a point with Himself that can bring complete healing to your own heart. But, there is no guarantee that your wife will want a reconciliation.

      I’m going to pray for you. Right now. HH

      1. HH,

        Thank you SO much, dear brother, for sharing with BrokenMan. You just threw a huge life preserver to this man. God bless you for sharing these precious insights that lead to LIFE.

      2. Dude! Thank you for the prayer. And for the sound, Spirit-led advice. Day by day, right?! I have said some of the examples that you mentioned, or a variation, while we were fighting; it really messed things up big time. Nail in the coffin. But divorce sucks; she is feeling it also. I know that I’m lost, but I also know that she’s not cruising down easy street.
        Case and point, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I choose life. Taking my daily bread, sharing His hope, His peace…Him, everyday. I know that He is the only way outta this muck. I want out, bro!
        My hope is that He brings her and I back together one day. I don’t want to continue the cycle that both of our parents started for us; break the chains of divorce.
        Easy for me to say…I’m the infidel. But I pray continually that God will shift her heart. Thanks again for your kindness, bro. It means the world to me to have a solidarity in Christ with a fella I’ve not ever met, but am in community with through our savior. Stay up, HH!

        1. Hi Brokenman,

          You are more than welcome. I hurt for you, your wife and your family. No-one wins through a divorce. No-one benefits from sin, ever. I will continue to pray for you. God gave me the words to write to you, to the point I nearly started writing my last post with “Dude”….somehow I knew that would be the right word for you. Yep.

          If you said some of the things I mentioned, then you probably at some stage felt like you had a valid reason to pursue the affairs. We often justify ourselves doing what we want to do. And, you may well have been sinned against by your wife. I know I was selfish, controlling and hurt my wife’s feelings many times. But, no matter what her sin against you was or what my sin against my wife was, no affair is justified. Your sin is YOUR sin, my sin is MY sin etc.

          Start peeling back the layers like an onion. Open yourself in humility before God and let Him show you what He wants to show you. The only person you have any control over is you, and let me tell you from firsthand experience that no matter how lost you are and no matter what pain you have, Jesus is MORE than enough to help you through it, IF you let Him. On His terms, in His timing, in His way. Chances are, you might have to see things about yourself that you don’t want to see. But, whatever God shows you is for your good.

          I will continue to pray for you, your wife and your children. HH

          1. Thanks man! I am currently in counseling with a guy to work through the onion peeling. Only a couple sessions in, but he has helped walk me through what consequences are, and the validity of them in expressing love. She loves me, so consequences are necessary. God loves me, but my sin reaps consequences. It’s a drag, but totally necessary to restore me to the Lord.
            Good stuff HH.
            And the whole “Dude” thing is wild! God is so magical and awesome the way He speaks to us if we just give our ears to Him. I am listening, HH. I pray that He continues to speak into my life. I want my life with my wife and kids back again, bro. That’s my prayer. All the best, my man!
            -Broken Man

            1. Brokenman,

              That is great that you are going through this with a counsellor. Being broken over sin is not fun, but the fruit that comes from humility is beautiful. The two books that April suggested by Andrew Murray are life changing. Hosea 6:1-3. HH

    2. BrokenMan,

      Thank you for sharing your story. That takes a lot of courage!

      I sure hate that you were involved in an affair. And I sure hate that you didn’t see clearly in time before your wife decided to divorce you. But how I praise God that you are seeing things now!!!! That is awesome!

      If you want to talk about that you don’t want to yield to Christ and His Lordship, let me know. Obviously, any of us will be stuck until we humble ourselves before Him and submit to Him in repentance and contrition. I know the enemy will try to appeal to your pride to get you to hold out and do things your way – but as you have seen, it only leads to greater pain and misery.

      Healing is available for you in Christ! I pray you will reach out for it while you still have time.

      In Christ,


      1. Hey April,
        First and foremost I really dig your blog. I found it by chance when I was Googling for hope; seeking out an answer the big, fat, giant, huge ‘WHY?’ that is following me around everywhere I go. Quite literally I sought the internet for answers and came across Peaceful Wife. Divine-coolness for sure! It seems to be geared for the wives, but it is helping me to understand my wife’s perspective on all this mess. Helping me learn.
        I also hate that I was involved in an affair. None of them ever filled the void that I was trying to fill. Not a one. Satan’s little joke on me. My distance from the Lord was huge while I was engaging in the affairs, but the shame and guilt was still there. I had conviction, but I was apathetic toward it. Like a drug addict chasing that new high I thought if I kept going it would eventually make me happier.
        No dice.
        As I said it is too late, for now, for my bride and I to continue in our marriage. She’s a really terrific girl, and a wonderful mother. I’m sure I could marry someone else, start over, and be just fine…but I don’t want that. I am not ready to stop fighting for my marriage. We may have to go through a divorce for my consequences to be complete, but I don’t want to stay that way for our sake, and especially for our kiddos. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, right?! I love my girl. I just goofed up like a fool. Paul reminds me in Romans that “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus;” he reminds me that in Jesus is salvation. The saving of my soul, and cleansing of my sins. BOOM! I am owning up to my wretched sin, but I don’t have to own it. Sanctification from, and reconciliation to, the Lord is priority 1, 2 and 3 for my life.
        Please pray for this Broken Man.
        Please pray for comfort and strength for my bride.
        Please pray for reconciliation.
        Please pray for comfort for our children.
        Thank you, fellow Christ follower for answering your call, for being on mission in the blogosphere. Stay solid.
        -Broken Man

        1. Broken Man,

          I’m glad this blog has been a blessing. Lots of husbands and men have found healing in Christ here – which brings joy to my heart.

          Proverbs chapters 3-5 describe exactly what you are saying. Affairs don’t bring any kind of satisfaction. They only lead to death.

          I pray that you might totally yield to the Lord, dear brother. Some books that may be a blessing: Andrew Murray’s “Humility” and “Absolute Surrender.”

          I pray for God’s greatest glory in your life, your marriage, and your family – and for His healing for each of you. I’m so thankful you see your need for repentance and that you see that the sin wasn’t worth it. I pray you will continue to seek the Lord wholeheartedly and allow Him to completely transform your heart, mind, and soul to be like Jesus.

          Much love in Christ!

  17. To Brokenman & Humbled Husband, I am amazed that you felt what your wife felt for as their respond of what they’ve been through…

    My husband didn’t give any closure for our marriage he just kept on denying everything yet he asked me if I will still accept him but he wanted to stay for awhile in his Mom’s house, to settle his self first and his obligations for our son.

    He only admitted that he committed a mistake but the woman pointing him he was the Father of what she carry now…And behind his undying lies according to the woman my husband reaching out her friends that he would fight and stand his love for that woman.. But same week my husband called me over the phone and texted me to ask forgiveness but never claimed the pregnancy of the woman…..instead he admitted the same reason but he told me it doesn’t mean that he don’t love us anymore.

    I know my husband was in the stage of confusion, but one thing I responded to him is to restore his relationship to God… I’m praying that my husband will stop his self-condemning, actually no one even condemn him, instead all of us prayed unceasingly that his heart will be convicted by God’s word…. He asked apologies but still carry the prideful heart, and I prayed that he would have a genuine repentance & a forgiving heart…
    The woman asked forgiveness, but still looking forward for what would be the decision of my husband…they’re both afraid the confrontation which I invited them to do so, what the woman scared for is if my husband decide in front of her & choose me & my son, then after the scenario my husband will chase her again & the blame will be pointed to her.

    The woman was longed for the love but I don’t believe that her family doesn’t love her, this was her second mistake she got involved again to a married man, & got pregnant with another man and according to her belief she never believe in marriage….

    I confronted her not to endorsed my husband but I stood in front of her after she persecuted me that I accused her having an affair with my husband and now she got pregnant which is already a visible evidence against her, but I never did the same thing she done to me instead I directly confronted her through family matters, settlement and showed her I had my God in my heart, I showed her mercy, compassion as God revealed to me his own character & even shared to her my daily quite time with God (scriptures)…

    I know she had been left out by her family because her family wanted her to face her own consequences… But I allowed myself as one of her comforter…I tried to win her back to God but she had different faith, a 50-50 decision of embracing the righteousness….until I stopped comforting her & communicating with her, I asked forgiveness to God to let go of that woman and entrusted her to him, I asked favor to God that he will not use me anymore to lead this woman back to her because of what’s inside of her heart I am no longer accountable for that…and its hurting me that she was still blinded for the pattern of this world…Yet in spite of everything I still speak righteousness, mercy, peace, forgiveness, genuine repentance be upon them, that God will reveal himself in their daily undertakings, that Gods word will enlightened their mind and cleanse their heart, not for me & for my son’s benefit, but for God…

    I’m thinking that what you’ve been through my husband felt the same way too…

    Sometimes there are so many questions but the answers are so few, this was the greatest pain I ever encountered, still never fail to kneel down everyday and seek more God and cry out for him, to restore my relationship to God as well…I know his desire now for my ministry is to reach out the broken wife, the abandoned wife, and women who are involved with this kind of affair to testify what are the true feelings of a ruined wife, not hatred but the love given to her husband…

    I’m praying to both of you brokenman & humbled husband that may God guard your heart, and reveal himself on your daily living…

    Ms. April may God bless your heart this is your ministry and I knew God will always bless you because he knows you will be a blessing to others as well…
    I will continue to be updated on your topics, and Im praying that my testimony can help others as well…

    1. Hi Darl1982,

      Discovering your spouse has been having an affair is certainly one of the most painful things that can ever happen and I am so sorry that it is something that you have had to experience. How amazing that you are full of love and forgiveness.

      Thank you for praying for me. God is guarding my heart. I am a truly happy man, bubbling over with joy and peace and looking forward to whatever may come.


      1. A Blessed day to you HH,

        Thanks much for the compliments, while we were still given the chances to face the world, committing mistake is a big lesson to be learned, we are not getting younger, while we are still able to cope up anything in this world we have to repent everyday…

        And in brokenness, & the fact we are still married we must always turn to the pages of God’s command…
        We have to set our minds, our thoughts and heart that we can move on our lives not in the hands of another partner in life but we can moved on in the hands of God…

        Nowadays we might be still in the process of healing, but we knew that God’s love never fails, his grace never runs out, he will not allow us to be forever be dismayed & terrified by certain pains… Though we can’t hear him but he always listen to our cries…

    2. Darl1982,

      Oh, goodness! Such a terribly painful situation, dear sister! 🙁 I am very sorry to hear about what you have had to face. I pray that your husband will repent and turn to Jesus for forgiveness and that he might be transformed by Christ. I pray the same for the other woman, and this precious innocent child.

      How may we pray for you?

      Much love – and the biggest hug!

      1. Hi Ms. April!
        God gave me the chance to speak with my husband today. He confirmed to me the issue of the woman’s pregnancy, he was indeed the Father. It almost stole my whole strength; I paused for a couple of minutes & felt the pain inside of my heart. I asked my husband what is the right way for our family, he implied, he wanted to restore our family, but he wanted to get the baby because the woman planned to endorsed her child (adoption) to her relatives because she wanted to protect the baby from negative thoughts from her family & she knew that her family will never accept her second mistake. It brought me cloudy thoughts to deal with my husband idea & confusions.
        I asked him if he really loved the woman, what he responded all he wants was the baby’s custody. Deep in my heart I know she loved the woman, she cannot bear it to tell it to my face, would it be the pride? Or he was thinking it will give me another pain if he speaks the truth. I even give him comfortness its better to speak the truth rather than to speak the lies all over again. Yet he never speaks about his true feelings for the woman.
        I asked him if he remembers how he encountered God, how he embraces the cross from the day he surrendered his life, & he replied “yes”. I told him his aunt never forgets his spiritual birthday, & my husband started to shed tears. I allow him to reminisce from the day he praises & worship God & I told him I’ve seen him how he missed God & I told him his son was happy to see his father praising God again. He started to speak with his sentiments, dealing his sinful ways, he was expecting that God will never forgive him because of what he had done, & he recalled how his uncle rebuke him & give him warning that what he is doing was he is already in the border line of Gods wrath. I intervene to his reasoning’s, I told him God never kept records of wrong all he wants was a genuine repentance & forgiving heart as well, (according to Jeremiah 31:34, God says, “I … will remember [your] sins no more.” This is God’s way of saying that he won’t hold our sins against us, he won’t act toward us on the basis of our sin. God has pushed the delete button on our guilt.) Yet he carries a self-condemning, prideful heart & less repentance. I told him how can we save our family if you alone having a hard time to restore your relationship with God, he silenced.
        Before we left him, I asked him to pray with us, and I allow him to pray as well, my husband indeed missed God; he is seeking God’s love.
        This evening I & my son decided to go home in my father’s ancestral home, wherein my husband belongings were still in my room. My son wanted to go home in that house & asked me if my husband will stay with us as well. I called my husband and tell him our decision, asked him if he’s gonna’ come with us, he silenced & asked me more time for him, he had still something to tell me. If I am still willing to accept him he needs time because he had something more to reveal & this time no more secrets. He left me again with a clueless, & asked him why would he prolonged this journey & seeking the decision for that woman, & he told me the woman has nothing to do in his revelations, it is not negative & it won’t give me another pain as he exclaimed.
        Actually I was still thinking, why would these people asked forgiveness from me after what they had done to me and it was “me, myself & I” still the same making a way to settle things out. God revealed to me to humble down myself, and when they saw me accepting their apologies they will hanged me with certain thoughts. I asked God why I still carry this soft heart in spite of everything I had been through. All I want is to obey Gods direction to share with them of what he had revealed to me in my daily quite time. I actually surrendered them both to God & asked forgiveness to God that I wanted to rest and his will be done for these two people. My husband just always told me his desire is to restore our family, was that really his desire? Or he’s still allowing himself to be manipulated for the woman’s circle of friends and the woman herself.
        My sister and brother in Christ! I’m really tired for these, but while Gods wisdom still revealing to me about my marriage, I crawl to obey and cry out for help to God. Actually nowadays all I want is Gods desire, but his desire is to save my marriage although I fully entrusted to him since then.
        My family in Christ! Kindly pray for me that God will give me more strength to overcome the world.

        1. Darl1982,

          Goodness, such a painful situation. 🙁

          So your husband is wavering about repenting? And about his relationship with Jesus?

          Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up with me? I will do all I can to point you to the healing that is yours in Christ no matter what your husband may do.

          Much love!

  18. A Blessed day to you HH,

    Thanks much for the compliments, while we were still given the chances to face the world, committing mistake is a big lesson to be learned, we are not getting younger, while we are still able to cope up anything in this world we have to repent everyday…

    And in brokenness, & the fact we are still married we must always turn to the pages of God’s command…
    We have to set our minds, our thoughts and heart that we can move on our lives not in the hands of another partner in life but we can moved on in the hands of God…

    Nowadays we might be still in the process of healing, but we knew that God’s love never fails, his grace never runs out, he will not allow us to be forever be dismayed & terrified by certain pains… Though we can’t hear him but he always listen to our cries…

    Hi Ms.April don’t worry I will pray unceasingly for the recovery of your daughter, I speak healing in these I pray in the blessed name of Jesus! Amen!

  19. April I pray your family is doing okay now. Im so sorry.

    So, I have been very confused in my situation with my husband. I left him over a month agao because i caught him with another woman in our bed. He denies they slept together, however there was so much proof and furthermore, it does not matter if they were “just” sleeping in our bed. I had no clue who this woman was. He has not fully surrendered. He barely talks to me and has been defensive from day 1 and his reasons are because I am the one who left our home, I did not give him a chance to explain himself and that has led him to feel that he does not want to fight for our marriage. Day 1 he threatened to do drugs though. i did not take it fully serious only because it seemed like he was just trying to get me to react to him but it was another reason to stay away since we are expecting our first child. I have become this person who feels so bad for him and feels guilty for leaving him due to the issues he has had in his past. (drugs, abandonment) I know i cannot change all this. We have been in heated conversations even after the lord has told me multiple times to stay silent and still. I am a person who is an over analyzer, it is so hard for me to not think about what ive said, what hes said and i end up creating more chaos. So the most recent thing that happened was yesterday we got into a heated conversation and we both ended up apologizing to each other about not loving each other the way we needed in our marriage. Then, he finally says “im sorry again, i dont want it to end. But not having you home only gets hard to see us back together. If you want to talk, we can meet” Since the Lord told me to be silent i felt like i did not listen and now my husband wants to talk. If we do meet, im seeing this as allowing him to explain himself and stay as silent as possible without reacting like i did that day. I am trying to be that peaceful wife still because i want reconciliation and i have forgiven him even though he has not fully surrendered, however i cannot go back to such an unhealthy marriage. He does confess he is a christian. Thank you to anyone who wants to help with any biblical advice. thank you

    1. Hi Becca,

      I’m glad you’re here in this site, you found the right outlet. Though we had different testimonies, almost of it we encountered the same scenario except having caught in the act. Mine the evidence has been visible when the family of the opponent revealed the truth, still the impact was a massive devastation.. I feel you Ms. Becca, we are in the stage of confusion and we are fully clueless for what might be the future of our silence….And the pain is getting stronger…

      Ms. Becca we must hold on our Faith, we have to live by faith, not by sight,,, I am still believing that God will hear our prayers and indeed we will be victorious one day in Gods glory! and we will bring back the Glory and honor in Gods name!

      Meantime give your full attention to Gods word in your daily living and in this site, we can help each other in dealing with our daily struggles…

      I will pray that God will give you more strength… I know God will hear us because he knew we had a faithful prayer..


        1. HI Ms. April,

          Sometimes I found myself carrying the greatest strength. But sometimes when pain strikes again I’m getting weak again…

          I am strong if I can read a broken comments here because I can feel them, that’s why sometimes I contribute a piece of advise though I am indeed in need of counselling as well…

          Ms. April, I know you had a lot of things to do as a wife, a mother and a Sister in Christ, your heart was such a blessing for us…

          Please stay with us, we need u everyday…

          Lovingly yours,

          1. Darl1982,

            Our strength is in Jesus. On our own, we are very weak. But in Him, we are strong.

            I’m honored that God allows me to be part of His work in my sisters’ and brothers’ lives. But I don’t want people to depend on me. Jesus is the one we all need desperately every day. 🙂

            Much love!

    2. becca,


      1. You caught him with another woman in your bed.
      2. He is threatening to do drugs.
      3. He is defensive because you did not give him a chance to explain why another woman was in bed with him.
      4. You are at fault because you left.

      This is not really painting a very promising picture for anything he could say. But – if you want to meet and listen, you certainly could. Perhaps you may decide not to say anything or to react at all. Listen. Take what he said and go process it with the Lord. Don’t respond until you have done a good bit of praying over his words.

      He has not repented? Someone who truly knows the Lord would not be in bed with someone else, even if they didn’t have sex. There really isn’t a justifiable reason for that scenario that I can think of. And if someone does know the Lord, the Holy Spirit should bring about great conviction over this and repentance.

      Is there a trusted pastor or Christian counselor or mentoring couple y’all could talk with together? Is he open to that?

      You can love him and appreciate the difficulties he has been through. You can respect him as your husband. You can pray for him. But you can also expect him to honor your marriage bed and marriage covenant. You can forgive him, but you will need to see him being genuinely repentant and then living out fruits of repentance to prove that he is willing to rebuild trust over a significant period of time.

      Your job is not an easy one. But you will need to be sure you don’t respond in the flesh. How is your walk with Christ going? Do you have a sense of what the Lord desires you to do?

      Much love! Praying for God’s strength for you, my dear sister. And for His healing for you both.

      1. oh good my comment went through.


        Thank you so much for responding back to me. I just started seeing a christian counselor, however my husband refuses to see anyone for help. He believes it is unnecessary. He thinks that if i want to talk to him or make things work, that i need to go back to our place to talk. So since my last post, he has refused to meet up to talk because he wants me to pursue us to move forward. I am all open to whatever he wants to do but i refuse to be at our place. I expressed to him, that i am very uncomfortable being there and he says well theres nothing he can do and that i am a lot of work.
        I am so confused by his responses as though all this was my fault i caught him and that it is my fault i left so therefore, he is going to punish me for it instead. It has made me feel a lot of guilt that i cannot get past. Am i wrong for leaving so quickly and is it wrong of me to not go back to our home.
        My walk with God has definitely grown strong since I have been listening to your videos about 2 years ago because my husband and have gone through a lot of ups and downs.
        My husband has struggled with pain killers and drugs in the past and has now confessed he has been doing drugs again since i left, I do not know why he has confessed this so quickly. I am hoping he just needs a reaction. But am afraid for him as well.

        Bless you all

        1. becca,


          Another woman in his bed.
          Demanding that you be responsible to move everything forward.
          Blaming you.

          So – it doesn’t sound like he is ready to repent or attempt to rebuild trust from what you are describing.

          What does your counselor suggest?

          What do you sense that the Lord desires you to do at this point?

          Sending you the biggest hug!

          1. I’ve only had one session and so far she wants me to reflect back on our marriage with why I feel the guilt. The pastor I spoke to about this as soon as it happened told me it was best to leave and to not have contact with him. That is the hardest part when we have a child coming and it’s hard when he contacts me for random things acting like nothing happened.
            The Lord has been telling me to be still. He’s been showing me that by staying away and being silent is showing my love for my husband right now while he’s in his sin which is showing how the Lord loves us. I can’t make him turn away from his sins. My problem is that I need that constant reminder while my husband still contacts me and nothing about dealing with our marriage or his repentence because everything feels up in the air. He’s kept me on edge.

            1. Becca,

              This is a tough season of learning to rest in God’s love and sovereignty in the midst of a great trial and tremendous uncertainty. But even in this storm, I believe you can picture being in a boat with Jesus, safe from the raging wind and waves that want to destroy you. He has you.

              Sometimes, I like to picture resting in a hammock, placing my full weight and faith on Jesus and His love like I would rest my body completely in faith in a hammock and just be still there. Breathing in His peace, joy, healing, and truth.

              It is hard to wait. SO tempting to run ahead of God and try to fix things ourselves and work our own deliverance. But that always makes a bigger mess.

              I pray you will be able to rest in Him and receive all the good things He has for you right now in this time of great uncertainty and that He might intervene and open His doors that will bring Him the most glory. I pray for His Spirit to fill you to overflowing and for you to respond in His power and victory. I pray for your husband’s repentance and contrition. That he might turn to the Lord humbly to be saved and that God might regenerate him mightily. I pray for healing for all of you. Part of that healing for you, I believe, begins now. In the waiting and trusting. Resting in Him in the uncertainty.

              Much love!

    3. Becca, I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through. This is so hard. I’m 3 years into being separated from my husband due to his infidelity and continued unrepentance, among other things. Since we’ve been separated he’s had 2 kids with his mistress and even though they’ve broken up, he still only acts evil towards me. I stay married to him because of the conviction I have of how God views marriage and I want to honor my end of our covenant marriage. Its so hard but God has used the last 3 years to make huge changes in my walk with Him and my heart. I would say to completely surrender to God in this and trust Him as he leads through this difficult time. April’s posts on idols made a huge impact in my life at the start of this and is what helped me be able to walk this road. If you haven’t read those, I highly suggest it!

      Other advice, if you have a local church you’re involved in, I’d suggest reaching out for help. Ideally, having someone present when you and your husband meet would be great. If that’s not possible, if there’s a Godly woman you could talk or meet with after to help you process what is said, that could help alot too. but when you do meet, I think you already have the right idea to just listen and not react.

      I’m really encouraged to hear you say you desire reconciliation with your husband. Thats truly a work of the Lord on your heart! As April was saying, he isn’t repentant yet and he’s demonstrating that by being defensive, putting blame on you, not being honest about the situation, etc. so it could take a lot of time before he gets to the point of be being repentant (or it could happen quickly) but either way be patient and don’t rush the process or let him pressure you. That’s where having counsel in your life will really help. You can’t save him or change him. He has to be fully broken over his sin against, first and foremost God, then you. And it will take significant time for him to demonstrate that he’s willing to rebuild trust but God can use that time to make changes, not only in his life, but in yours too.

      I’ve been encouraged by this passage this week. Encouraged that God will one day take away all of our tears, that God always hears us, that he always responds to us with his presence and that he will always guide us. Praying that for you right now!

      19 For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20 And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

      1. Jeanne,

        My sweet sister! Thank you so much for sharing these words of wisdom from the trenches with Becca. I appreciate these treasures you have gleaned and how you are so freely passing them along to our hurting sister.

        How may we pray for you?

        Much love!

        1. April, you’re welcome! Happy to share! It’s a blessing to me to be able to do that as others have done for me!
          I have been struggling with processing some news from my husband and dealing with the fact that it will disrupt the life I have now, which I’m pretty content in. So just prayer as I process through that and that I’d be able to surrender my “plans” and trust God as he leads me through the uncertainty.
          Thank you so much!

          1. Jeanne,

            You are such a joy to me. 🙂

            Praying for the Lord to give you the strength you need to process this news in ways that honor Him and for Him to direct your every step for His glory. Praying for His will. And for His victory in your life, my precious sister!

      2. A blessed day to u Ms. Becca,

        “BE WITH YOU”

        Saviour of my soul, I confide in You
        Through all my darkest moments
        In You I find my peace
        My Comfort when I’m weak
        I trust in You, through storm and raging sea

        Faithful You’re my God, You’re the Glory
        And the Lifter of my head
        Your light it fills my days
        It leads me in Your ways
        Forever I surrender all to You

        And I live to worship You
        My Jesus You’re the only One for me
        Nothing will ever take Your place
        My precious Saviour
        Who can stand between my Lord and me

        Lord I live to honor You
        And I long to bring my life an offering
        Take me higher, draw me deeper
        I give all to be with You

        I feel u, I’ll be praying 4u!!!

        Much love

        1. Darl82

          Thank you so much. I appreciate your wisdom and inspiration since you’ve gone through so much. I hope we can all be here for each other.

          God bless

          1. A Blessed day to u Sis Amanda,

            Honestly, nowadays, my emotions still needs God breakthrough.

            I realized one of my prayers has been answered, transformation of my son’s attitude and his right responds from our struggles… While I was seeking God day by day, my son is yielding God’s will as well. When his school started, my son anticipated my other tasks, such as he voluntarily prepared my things, he prepares my shoes to wear, and he even treat me for my fare hehehe… I praise God because though my other prayers were still waiting for his will, I can testify that he is a God of order. Day and night, we put God the center of our tasks. My relationship with God and my son is getting more intimate, as well as my son’s daily devotion. My son currently having a hard time in taking care of his subjects, he was really worried that he might fail because he was thinking that all he can help me giving me a good grade while I was taking care of my job for his future. I supported my son showing him how I honor him as my son, showing him my strength but behind the scene I am still seeking strength from God as well, and telling him not to be worried if he cannot give me high score on it. He always shed tears every time he left me in the office; we’re both assured that we will make it a habit that every time we separate we will pray for each other for God’s guidance.

            Pertaining to my respond for my husband’s absence especially in his unsure decision for this family, I turn off my phone as well as my son’s phone. I am protecting for my son’s welfare while my son is still claiming that this family will be restored and keeping the unassured decision of my husband, I felt the pain inside of my son’s heart for that, I know my husband has the capability to hanged me and my son while he was waiting for the woman’s decision or either waiting from the time she’s gonna give birth of my husband’s child two months from now. I can bear the pain in me but I won’t allow it that my son gonna feel the same pain. It’s already enough that I was the one who suffered from their sinful ways, and faces my own consequences from my old life and my son doesn’t deserve any pain. Meantime that my husband is having a hard time for his decision or he just let others decide for him, I chose to keep myself silence and never compromise to any negative thoughts that may intervene (referring physical respond). My task nowadays is to change myself first, seeking God’s wisdom and fully surrendered to him. God say’s “I will took care the possibilities and HE will have breakthroughs in impossibilities, and I always claim it every day.

            I always pray for this site for more wisdom that can minister the broken people especially broken marriages. I speak for the spirit of restoration, healing, a genuine repentance and a forgiving heart for each and every one. I claim that God will hear our prayers!

            I LOVE U ALL!!!

      3. Jeanne

        That passage really helped me see what I need to do while I wait. Some times I don’t know what to do with myself, I need the constant reminders of what the Lord wants me to do.
        I’m truly sorry for what you’ve had to go through. It seems you’ve grown a lot and have learned so much.

        I follow this organization called opendoors- they serve persecuted Christians worldwide. They share stories from around the world. The same day you sent me that passage I came across a story that encouraged me as well. It was a day of confirmation.
        At the end of his story they finished with this challenge: “The more we stand still the more faith you show. The more you stand the more opportunity you give God to win the fight. It’s not our job to do the fighting – we do the standing. When we stand still God then confronts and wins against the principalities of darkness.”

        God bless

  20. Hi April!

    I’m so blessed by your offer.!.. I really need someone whom I can lean on nowadays… Please April, every now & then I always drop by here to ease my pain from different testimonies… I still need to read all your topics and comments here. Your site indeed helped me a lot to conquer & endure the pain… My email add

    I am looking forward for more healing testimonies!

    And thanks much for the effort Ms. April!

    Have a blessed day ahead!

    Love Lots,

    1. Darl1982,

      Here are some questions for you, my precious sister. You may respond here or you can share your answers on my Contact page.

      1. What is your relationship with Christ?

      2. How do you believe you can be right with God?

      3. What do you desire most in your walk with Jesus?

      4. What are your greatest fears?

      5. What spiritual support do you have?

      6. What are your most precious dreams?

      7. What do you believe you need at this point to be happy in life?

      8. Do you have a sense of what God desires you to do now?

      Much love to you!

      1. Hi Ever dearest Ms. April!

        1. What is your relationship with Christ?
        ->Being a woman of Christ (true disciple) having a constant intimacy through daily quite time (daily devotional).

        2. How do you believe you can be right with God?
        ->An act of obedience.

        3. What do you desire most in your walk with Jesus?
        ->His desires to have a miracle catch, especially in his ministry.

        4. What are your greatest fears?
        ->The endurance of my struggles in dealing the pain might be defeated by the enemies.

        5. What spiritual support do you have?
        ->Daily devotional in my quite time.

        6. What are your most precious dreams?
        ->Restoration of our relationship that we had in God (referring to family).

        7. What do you believe you need at this point to be happy in life?
        ->Breakthrough from God’s will.

        8. Do you have a sense of what God desires you to do now?
        ->Yes, he revealed to me to reach out the broken wife, the mistresses and lead them back to him.

        🙂 🙂 🙂


        1. Darl1982,

          Thank you for sharing, my sweet sister. 🙂

          One thing that has been really important for me to remember is that I am only right with God through what Jesus has done on my behalf. It is all about Him. Not about any goodness in me.

          Would you be willing to do one more assignment for me? Check out “Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced” and let me know if any of these are issues for you.

          Much love!

          1. A blessed day to u Sis Amanda…

            I was indeed fascinated the topics you lead me…
            Though I was just reading on it step by step and leading to the related topics, it enlightened my mind, my thoughts and cleanses my heart…
            I saved the topics especially that leads me to my different issues, because I planned to review it all the time, so that my heart will be yielded more to God…
            I am so blessed Sis April a Peaceful Wife and Satisfied Wife Amanda that I met you here in this blog/site…
            I am a working mom Sisters in Christ and my heart managed to drop by here, because God lead me to all of you.
            Since my husband asked for more time, the topic “When Your Man Needs Space” I must have a right respond on it, then I have to realize the topic “Why Do I Have to Change First”.

            Thank you very much! My prayer will never fail!

            Let me share with u my worship & praise song for God


            “BE WITH YOU”

            Saviour of my soul, I confide in You
            Through all my darkest moments
            In You I find my peace
            My Comfort when I’m weak
            I trust in You, through storm and raging sea

            Faithful You’re my God, You’re the Glory
            And the Lifter of my head
            Your light it fills my days
            It leads me in Your ways
            Forever I surrender all to You

            And I live to worship You
            My Jesus You’re the only One for me
            Nothing will ever take Your place
            My precious Saviour
            Who can stand between my Lord and me

            Lord I live to honor You
            And I long to bring my life an offering
            Take me higher, draw me deeper
            I give all to be with You

            I LOVE U ALL!!!

            Hebrews 12:7-12.

  21. To all going through this pain, I just wish I could hug you and fix it! 🙁

    I married a man who was a pornography addict, who then cheated multiple times (including without protection), resulting in me requiring STD checks. Further, our children were exposed to pornography and one of our children was molested by him (which I didn’t find out until months after we separated). It obviously came to the point where I would have been choosing between my children and my marriage. The child who was molested did not have any physical evidence, and the only reason I suspected anything untoward was after we had separated over the adulteries. Her sexualised behaviour raised serious concerns, and he, after me asking many times confessed what had happened. After serious prayer her behaviours instantly stopped. I believe God did a great deliverance there.

    Post divorce, and many years on, I am extremely glad and thankful that I was delivered from that marriage, I call it deliverance because it was like torture to be married to a sex addict/porn addict and someone who was so perverted constantly. However, the Lord did rebuke me soundly for my many sins, controlling attitude and behaviours in our marriage. I was NOT a good wife for a lot of our marriage. I repented to him and his family for my sins, because my sins were still mine, inexcusable.

    He took me to court and tried to get full custody of our children, slandered me etc and lied, so did his family. Praise be to God that he dropped the case when he got a new girlfriend and the children reside with me and my now husband. Also my lawyer wiped about $15.000 debt for me, I was given a car very near new, and because my ex husband took me to court, he landed up having to pay child support (I had chosen the 1 Peter path of rather being wronged so I didn’t make him pay child support). God really did protect us in many things.

    For the many years following every time they would go to their dads I would be in great fear for their protection/what they were being exposed to. Child services did not believe me, but accused me of being an abusive parent and threatened me if I continued trying to stand up for my child. I will never deal with them again, apparently this is a common theme with parents concerned about the other parent being abusive. Be veeeerrry careful if you ever land up dealing with family law courts in any nations. Divorce SUCKS. Although I don’t regret divorcing, there is so much suffering and pain that continues.

    Further, the responses from Christians have been horrifying in some cases. One preacher told me basically that I will go to hell for remarrying, (despite him knowing that my first husband was sexually abusive towards our KIDS), and that I’d have to divorce my now husband (who is faithful), and either remain unmarried or reconcile with my first husband to be saved…. and then another preacher I had asked for PRAYER for my marriage decided to advise me that if my now husband would not do what I thought we should do Christian wise that I should just threaten divorce and divorce him…. Please, if you meet people who are divorced or divorced and remarried, please don’t be cruel to them – you have no idea what they’ve been through! I know this is very detailed but I really felt that someone out there may need to read this. I did separate and pray and fast and ask literally HUNDREDS if not thousands of people to pray for my marriage and husband, across the world.

    And, coming into a new marriage, it’s even harder in a sense than a first marriage, because you’re adapting to a totally new person, a totally different set of values and habits, ideas about how to live and raise children, everything. Plus even after thinking you’re whole/ready/healed, there are SO MANY insecurities you have to deal with when the first marriage has involved huge betrayals. I was so blessed with a man who could be patient and stay with me through my grossly insecure behaviour. And the fear has been very big with me about this marriage, I’ve found myself reacting out of fear many times, worrying that this marriage will also fail. Praise be to God that He sent me a man who is faithful.

    I would appreciate prayers from anyone reading this post that I can really learn to walk in true godly submission to my husband, as the past hurt has really caused a lot of issues with my heart. I want to just obey Jesus. Also my marriage will soon have to be long distance due to work, and I’m just really upset and sad because I’ve really fallen in love with this man, and I just love being with him. I’m feeling just down, and sad that I’ll be on my own again, facebook/messages and skype just isn’t the same. So prayers for a miracle that we could stay in the same nation would be greatly greatly appreciated (it’s a long long story but it’s basically impossible for us to stay in the same country short of a HUGE miracle from God).

    I also want to tell you personally April, if it weren’t for your blog posts, our marriage most likely wouldn’t have survived. We had a HARD first two years. HARD. You emailed me a few times, and even with my husband not liking churches I’d gone to and you saying I should submit with even that, I thought, no way this lady’s just going too far. Well, church by church my husband was proven right with each of the churches I preferred being shown to be GROSSLY unbiblical in some of their doctrines (including that man who told me I should divorce my husband, he was at one of my preferred churches). So thank you, from the bottom of my heart and half way across the world.

    Also, my husband is like ANOTHER PERSON. I don’t know what’s happened to him but he’s INCREDIBLE, he is like the most serving, kind person – he makes us dinner most nights while I’m at work, he just takes care of me. He cleans the house while I’m out so I can rest when I get home from work, like he’s like the dream husband!!! I have been finding myself looking at him and thinking, “How did I get to have this man as my husband after all of my stupidity?” I can’t believe the mercy and kindness of God. Be blessed and I pray for all marriages to be healed by the power of God, as a testimony to the world, resulting in salvation for many! Sorry for the length

    1. Hey Grateful and Broken. Thanks SO MUCH for sharing this. It is truly helpful and providential to read. HH

    2. Grateful and Broken,

      Wow. I can’t fathom having a husband who sexually molested/abused our child. That is a level of toxicity that I just can’t even begin to wrap my mind around. I am glad that you didn’t stay and that you didn’t subject your children to that any more.

      I know there is a lot of confusion about divorce and remarriage in the church. Sometimes I really wish that more was written on this topic in the Bible. But I know God has given us what He wants us to have. I just want to be sure I don’t add anything to it or subtract anything. Ultimately, we each answer to Him alone, not to anyone else.

      That is very interesting that your husband’s decisions were proven right over time. It is hard to trust God to lead us through our husbands when we don’t understand why they are making certain decisions at the time and maybe we don’t agree with them. But I am so thankful that God is able to lead us through our husbands by His design even if we don’t understand at the time – if they are not asking us to condone or participate in sin.

      What a blessing that your husband is doing so well and your marriage is doing so well. Praying for God’s wisdom and strength for you both and for His greatest glory in your lives and family.

      Much love!

  22. Hey, my friends. I have wanted to write many times, but seriously every time I sit down to do it, the words aren’t there and I just don’t have the emotional strength or mental focus to do it. Maybe that day is coming because I have felt pulled to write to you all and share, so maybe soon. I am healing (in process and I’m sure a long road ahead); my husband and I have been separated now 8 months. Grief, as some of you know, is so hard. So, so, so hard. Wow. I had no idea. I don’t think I’m ready tonight to go into a lot of detail about the past 8 months and where I am now, but just know that God is faithful and good and He is walking with me and holding me every step of the way. And, I’m glad to know what grief feels like so I can encourage and stand by others who have gone through it. I would never have known otherwise…

    I love you all very much and think of you often.

    Job 36:15-16: “But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.”

    1. “I’m glad to know what grief feels like so I can encourage and stand by others who have gone through it.” Awww

    2. CiC!!!!!!! I am THRILLED to hear from you ☺ I have thought of you and prayed for you many, many times. I am glad that you are finding the arms of God holding you. When and if you feel led to share anything please know that I will listen and pray for you. In Christ, HH

      1. Thanks for your prayers, HH. Oh, how I’ve needed them! I have gotten on from time to time and read some of your comments, so I think I am semi-updated on how you are. So thankful to hear that you are well and that God continues to lead you and hold you, too.

        April, I will reply to both of you here. Thank you for the hugs and offer for prayer. I love you much, sister.

        A quick update on where I am. Separated 8 months, still very much at peace with that decision and confident that God has led me here. Some truths have come out that have confirmed things the Spirit told me, but I also know there is more to come. 🙁 One of the hardest things has been a realization that my husband has lied to me from before we were married – confirmed by his admission of some lies in the last couple of months, so I think it’s safe to say I have zero trust for anything he tells me (other than things he has proven himself to be trustworthy about which is being true to pick up our kids when he says or pay bills, etc….and yes, I know these are things to be thankful for, it could be worse; however, that does not take away the deep hurt of the ongoing lies in our relationship). I don’t know what to believe anymore. I know God can heal me, but I am extremely distrustful and cynical about a lot of things right now. I don’t know that I could ever trust a human man again, but I am very thankful that I can trust God who has never and will never lie to me or mislead me. Even if it hurts, He will tell me the truth and His heart is for me.

        There are a lot of things in me that are messed up and broken right now – things that were a part of me from my past and some things were from my marriage and now I can see how they have all gotten tangled up in a huge mess. I shared last time that I am in need of a lot of healing and I still feel that way. I still feel very broken inside some days (today is one of those). On other days, I am full of faith and know that God *is* healing me. I would love for healing to come now, but I have learned that I cannot rush it, I can’t figure out a four-step formula for quick healing and a quick process through grief. It is slow and it is hard and painful. I have nothing to offer God but a broken heart and He has been very sweet and kind to me – even running to meet me in my anger at Him. This is very new to me as I really wasn’t able to be free in my emotions with my husband. It is a beautiful thing to know that God runs toward me after I’ve honestly expressed my anger at Him rather than push me away in silence as my husband used to do (even after I’d carefully chosen my words and tone of voice and didn’t even express anger, but only hurt….he could not even handle those carefully orchestrated times with me).

        Now, saying all of that, the grief is subsiding a bit as I haven’t had any MAJOR emotional breakdowns in the last 12 days or so. Lol. That’s worth celebrating. 🙂 Doesn’t the psalmist say something about “my tears have been my food”? That phrase has become a phrase I can identify with.

        I had a job for four months as a legal secretary. There is no doubt that I was supposed to be at that job…..God handed it right to me and it came at a time where I didn’t have the emotional energy to really do a lot of job seeking, but really needed one. However, I quickly learned my boss has some personality issues. She was very kind to me at first, very complimentary, etc, but then I started seeing manipulation and she would get upset at me over little things that didn’t bother her before. I knew I was giving her my best and that I was doing a good job and learning quickly and never felt like she had valid reasons for the way she would treat me at times. She would talk in demeaning ways to me and then, when she could see it had affected my demeanor, she would act sweet again and try to make up for it (never apologizing, though). I tried to quit pretty early on, but she manipulated me by telling me I was a “quitter” and I felt like I should stay as I thought of some of the benefits of the job (and she also gave me a raise). So, the pattern kept continuing. Things would be great for a few weeks, then she would get upset at me until an incident occurred which helped me to really see that there was no way I could continue to work with her. I prayed for clarity and God literally showed me something every day of the work week the following work week (one pretty clear one was a former secretary coming in who is now doing side contract-type jobs with her coming straight out telling me that she had to quit because she couldn’t emotionally handle working there and that she would never work for the attorney full time again — all unsolicited from me). I knew God was telling me that I could stay, but if I did, this is what I would be facing. I think that next Sunday, I had a major emotional breakdown and cried so hard and long….I was started to realize my breakdowns weren’t all coming from my marital situation, but that my job was really affecting me emotionally, too. So, I asked a few trusted friends and my mom (all Christians) what they thought of me quitting a job with having absolutely no back-up at this time and they were all in agreement that I needed to quit and that God would provide for me. I gave her my two week notice within a couple of days after that and she let me go immediately. This is another area where I feel God has shown Himself to really care about my emotional health in a way that was so clear to me. He made it so clear to me what was going on and then gave me permission to leave. I love knowing that God cares about all of me and is concerned with my healing. He is so tender and loving.

        At the same time as this, I was starting to wonder about applying as a teacher’s aide at my daughter’s school. She goes to an amazing school and many of my friends teach and work there. Many of the teachers and friends that work there also go to my church that the pastor and the principal of the school have poured their lives into. There is real, honest beautiful community in both of these places. Imperfect people growing together in Christ. Lots of people willing to be real and take off their “masks”. So, I felt like this would be a safe place to land for now….and many of my friends and my mom were strongly encouraging me to apply. The bad thing is it pays VERY little. However, I have applied and have been offered the job and I am trusting that God will provide a second job that would hopefully be very flexible, allowing me to work more on days where my girls are with my husband and maybe still be able to go home after school on days that I have them. For this to work would be a total God-miracle, but the way God has led me this far, I am just trusting that He is going to do something here…..and at this time, I am at home with my girls for the summer even though we are in an absolutely RIDICULOUS amount of debt. (My husband has controlled our finances all of our marriage and assured me over and over when I would express concerns that “we were fine”). Somehow, I have a peace and trust that I am right where I need to be. My husband even sent me an email saying that he could “hold things together for a couple of months”. So, I will start the new job in August when my girls go back to school and hopefully, by then, another option for making additional money will be clear by then. So, that would be a big prayer request – if y’all could pray that God would provide a second job that would provide flexibility and give me the extra hours and income I will need as I move forward.

        Whew!!!!!! This has been a crazy ride, days that I have thought I didn’t want to live another minute, prayers that God would take me home to be with Him, prayers that He would come back soon. For those who have experienced great grief, I understand this is normal.

        However, I do believe God has told me that my husband will be saved (one day – I do not believe He has given me any kind of assurance that our marriage will be restored. I have hoped for that assurance, but have not received it…), so I am, by faith, holding on to that and claiming that when my thoughts turn to discouragement and the “Why’s” of this…..I really believe that ultimately, the end result is that my husband will be saved (even if he’s not my husband when that happens, even if it’s 25 years down the line) and that God will bring beauty from these ashes.

        So, that is where I am…..I’m a mess in many ways, but Jesus is holding, loving, encouraging me (amazing how precious the Body of Christ has become to me in my suffering and how I can see God loving me through His children) and leading me step by step through this. I know He has a plan. I know He is for me.

        1. Hey CiC,

          Thank you for sharing your update with us. I will make it a point to pray for you specifically and with relation to what you have shared.

          What you wrote reminded me of Psalm 118:8-9 “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.” It would seem to me that scripture teaches that even those in places of power and privilige can let us down. We are all soaked in sin, and without Christ we are lost. It is difficult, so difficult to be lied to. Even small lies break trust, big lies much more. There is no need to trust someone who is lying to you. Repentance and honesty is obvious when/if it comes.

          There is no quick process to healing. I wish I could say differently but it is the truth. If it helps, I can share that I have been separated for 15 months now and the pain that I feel now is very rare and short lived when it comes. The pain for the children and the brokenness they will be experiencing for the rest of their lives has not gone, however this has become a huge motivator for me to pursue being the best father I can to them. That is a blessing ☺

          God will meet you in your pain, in your anger, in your regret, in all that you are. He may bring comfort, chastisement, love, peace, but His presence and comfort will be a help in all things.

          I will pray for you about the job! I am so glad that you have found a community of REAL people. It is SO refreshing to talk to people who do not hide anything, who tell it as it is and are honest. I rejoice with you ☺ With regards to the job, did you read what I shared recently about my home? If not, in brief I had to let go of my house in faith, and God has brought me a home that surpasses in every way my expectations ☺ It is small, not ostentatious at all, but in every way meets the needs of myself and the children. I encourage you to rest in the knowledge that you are of incredible value to God and He already knows what job you need ☺

          Sorry I didn’t reply straight away, I am flat out at work lately and wanted to give the courtesy of a proper answer.

          Love in Christ, HH

          1. HH, thanks for the encouragement, brother. I am encouraged that the pain is lessening this past month especially. I’ve had several people share similar stories – that my smile will return and to give it a year. Those first six months were quite brutal, though. I’m so glad you are not in so much pain; although, yes, I get the pain for the children. I’ve said that many times as I’ve walked through this. If it weren’t for my kids, I think my tears would have stopped quite a while ago, but it’s the broken-up family unit and the pain my kids must be going through that really hurts.

            I’ve questioned God and asked how this could possibly be good for my kids, but there are ways that I can see that it might be better for them, to be honest. For one, I am free spiritually in a way I’ve never been before in my marriage. I also believe that the contrast between our (mine and my husband’s) two lives will be more apparent than before. That’s not something I’m really thrilled about in many ways, but I’m aware that God could use that in my children’s lives. I also am emotionally much freer to be the mom that I should be to them. For so many years – for too many years – I have poured my energy into trying to figure out my marriage, trying to please my husband, etc. It was unhealthy in many ways and now I am free to be the mom I need to be for them. I am also becoming more comfortable in being “me” and I have to believe that is the best thing for them, as well! I’m no longer worried about trying not to be “me” so that I offend my husband or whatever.

            Yes, I did read your comments about your house and how God has led you and how hard at first it was to walk away from the house that you had poured so much energy into. I am so happy that He has brought you to contentment and even excitement and to be so close to community, too. He knows what He’s doing, doesn’t He!?! (As if we need to type a statement like that, haha!)I have found God already showing up in huge ways from the very beginning of my separation. Other than the beautiful fact that He reminds me He will take care of me and provide for all of my needs, it has also been a source of Him confirming that the choice I made to separate was the right thing to do. He has not blocked anything, but rather has shown up and opened doors everywhere I turn and given me peace and faith even in the midst of deep pain.

            I don’t know if you’ve read The Autobiography of George Mueller, but if you haven’t, please do!! I am reading this currently and God is using it to increase my faith in praying and trusting Him for everything. I see so much of my need for Christ, so much of my need to be more dependent on Him and to surrender more and more. I also really need prayer in a decision about some key financial things as it relates to my husband and I sharing our finances. We are still doing that, there is no split in finances at all. We are in a lot of debt and we have been living off of credit for a lot of years. I did this seriously in my mind in submission to my husband at the time. Knowing what I know now and having a healthier view of submission, I would make different choices, but here we are and I am praying if God would have me tell my husband that I will be only using cash for my living expenses and then to sit back and trust God to show up big time to cover me in that! This has the risk of really angering my husband, but I just don’t know what else to do. At this point, we are headed to bankruptcy. We do not have creditors calling, but things are pretty bad. I don’t know, I just need wisdom. I also continue to pray for God to reveal things that need to be brought into the light.

            HH, how can I pray for you? Do you mind me asking you where you are in the divorce process? I think last time I read, you were pretty certain that your wife would be filing for divorce after a certain waiting period. I also remember thinking that it was time for you to set some healthy boundaries for yourself as the conversations were becoming quite hurtful for you (between your wife and you). What is your communication like now? Please feel free to not answer if these questions don’t seem appropriate to you. From my perspective, I enjoy hearing how God moves in the details of peoples’ lives and how He teaches and guides them as they journey through these kinds of things. So, those are my motives in asking, but no pressure to answer!

            1. Hi CiC 🙂

              Yes, your smile will return! Whatever happens from here on there will always be a scar, but it need not define you or control you. In Christ ALL things can be overcome 🙂 I remember when my ex-wife first left me and someone said to me “Your heart will live again”. I almost laughed and thought no way! But, it is, and far more than it ever has before. Not because of the split, no, but because of Jesus Christ 🙂 Last night I was reading through a prayer of surrender that I wrote in March 2016. I surrendered EVERYTHING to God and accepted come what may. I had not an inkling of what would come and how terrible it would be, but in that prayer I fully opened my heart to the treasures that God had for me in these trials. And WHAT treasures! I found Jesus in SUCH a new and living and powerful and liberating and freeing and amazing way! I laughed out loud last night when I read that prayer, remembering the pain and fear that was in me when I made it and contrasting that with the sheer joy that bubbles up in me now!

              I have read George Mueller’s autobiography! I loved it 🙂 I will pray for you about your finances CiC. I can understand you feeling pretty scared about heading into bankruptcy. Poor financial decisions can have a big impact. It doesn’t sound healthy that you have accumulated so much debt but I know that God can turn a mountain into flat ground.

              I don’t mind you asking about the divorce process, it is no secret. She has filed for divorced, I have signed it and the court date is early August. I see no reason that it will not be approved and I will not fight the divorce. In my view it is scripturally supported and our marriage covenant is broken. It has been quite a process for me to get to this point, but I have complete peace about it now and I do not consider her to be my wife.

              Regarding boundaries, in my view I have very healthy boundaries with her now. To be quite honest CiC, I am not really hurting much at all anymore for myself, only for the kids. My hurt was coming from still having a hope for reconciliation and still having some expectations from her and probably that I did not want to let myself see some things. God brought information to me that has TOTALLY opened my eyes to where her heart is and I have realised just how much I have accepted lies as truth. I have accepted that she has set her sails in the direction she wants to go and that it doesn’t include me and I am enjoying life very, very, very much 🙂 We only talk about the kids when needed and otherwise we do not talk.

              How can you pray for me? Thank you so much for asking! I am considering the future now and what that looks like, particularly whether I will consider being open to remarriage or not. I would value your prayer that I would be able to correctly discern God’s will on this 🙂

              Lovely to hear from you CiC. In Christ, HH

              1. HH,

                WOW! That first paragraph!!!!! PRAISING GOD WITH YOU, dear brother! I know that things haven’t gone the way we wanted them to go so far with your wife. But what God has done in your heart completely blows me away. He is SO very good. I wonder if you might allow me to share that on your post about the storm as a post script?

                I am always honored to pray for you and for our other sisters and brothers here. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for each of us for His glory and our ultimate good.

              2. April, you are welcome to share that as a post script, I pray that it will be a blessing to whoever reads it ☺

                I have been praying for your ministry and family with the recent trials ☺ We have had several challenges recently including the death of my last remaining grandparent, but there has been many, many blessings out of these that we did not expect. So excited about the next stage of life!!!!

                In Christ, HH

              3. Humbled Husband,

                Oh no! I am so very sorry to hear about another grandparent’s death! 🙁

                Thank you for allowing me to share that as a post script.

                We are doing MUCH better here in our family. My grandmother – it is hard to tell how she is doing exactly. But she is still living with my parents. She won’t share much about how she is feeling. She has stopped doing everyone else’s dishes, so I suspect she is still pretty weak. My issues are doing infinitely better – all of them! Praise God! Our daughter has one more week in her cast. She has continued to have a wonderful attitude. And she has been enjoying going swimming. The waterproof cast hasn’t slowed her down too much at all.

                So thankful to hear that there have been so many blessings. That makes me smile!

                In Him,

        2. CIC,

          Thank you so very much for sharing this update. I love to hear from my sisters and brothers here. 🙂 I pray for God to continue to direct your every step and for His full healing spiritually for you and for your husband and children. There is no “instant” formula to dealing with this kind of grief or to spiritual maturity. We grow in the trenches over long periods of times of turmoil, difficulty, hardship, and trials as we learn to trust God more and more and we receive all that He has for us even in the mess.

          I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you. YES! He is FOR you! I praise and thank God already for all that He will do and how He will use all of this for your ultimate good and His glory!

          Much love and a huge hug!

          1. Thank you, April. I love you, sister. Your ministry is a big part of my life these past few years and you encouraged me to take godly stands along with several other godly people I trust. God knew I needed someone who was very, very conservative and pro-marriage to encourage me in those ways and He used you (again, along with others and His speaking specifically and directly to me, also) to do that. I know that might not be exactly the way you want God to use you in marriages, but I know that you trust our Lord and His sovereign ways. Whatever He brings to pass He will make beautiful in His time.

            How are you and how can I pray for you? Would love to hug you back for real!! 🙂

            1. ContentinChrist,

              I am honored to be on this journey with my sisters (and brothers) no matter where the journey may lead as long as each one is seeking Christ wholeheartedly. That is the most important thing to me. Sometimes, I believe it is necessary, unfortunately, for separation to happen, at least for a time. Sometimes there is much healing to do that can’t really be done when a couple is very toxic together.

              I support what you are doing and I know where your heart is. I love the healing God is doing in you. I pray for God’s continued healing for you and for His healing for your husband and children. I want to see Him greatly glorified in all of your lives.

              I am spending more time with my children this summer than recent summers. Seeking to teach them lots of things and to just love and enjoy them. Please pray for God to empower Greg and myself to be faithful to Him, that His greatest glory will be accomplished in our lives and family, and that He might turn the hearts of His people to Himself. And please pray for a massive Great Awakening and that God might use me and my family to be part of that in any way He chooses for His kingdom. Pray for protection for my family and God’s people from the enemy – that we might walk in holiness and in His victory over sin and temptation. That the church might be cleansed and grow strong in faith to become all that Jesus calls us to be.

              Much love!

    3. CIC,
      It is so awesome to hear from you. I know you are very busy with work and children and life. But it is such a wonderful gift to get to hear a bit about how you are doing. So thankful you are seeking the Lord. Please let us know if there are specific ways you would like for us to pray for you.

      We love you so much! Sending you the biggest hug!

  23. Sis April,

    You’re very much welcome, I am inviting my other friends to visit your blog…

    I am looking forward to hear more topics here, and more sis in Christ will be blessed by your references and I am praying that whatever the world offers to the broken people will lead themselves with a right outlet or comfort zone…

    I speak more blessings to come to you & to your family, provisions, good health and more wisdom from God, and the wisdom you shared for them, I speak the spirit of restoration of broken marriages….

    We loved you much Sis April!

Thanks for joining the discussion! Let's keep it classy and respectful. I'm so glad we can walk this road together.

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