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Being a Trophy Wife is Not the Goal, My Dear Sisters! – by Radiant

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ADMIN NOTE: after today, I am going to take a blogging break until after the New Year. Merry Christmas to each of  you and Happy 2016!!!! I am praying for y’all!

I had some technical difficulties earlier today. Hopefully the link is working now! 🙂

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I came from a background of focusing on what my husband should change for me. So it can be helpful for me to focus on what I can change to bless my husband in a healthy way – not an obsessed or idolatrous way. For instance, I learned that it’s great to seek to dress nicely and take good care of myself to show respect for myself and to bless my husband. But not all women are from the same background. Some wives have spent their whole marriage trying to change themselves for their husband – to an unhealthy degree. That is a problem, too!

We can seek to bless our husbands, but we are not responsible FOR them or their sin. I hope that makes sense! Ultimately this is all about us seeking to please God alone.

Here is what a dear sister in Christ shared – and has given me permission to share. She used to believe she had to be a “trophy wife” and when she approached some Christian books, she thought she was hearing that message reinforced. But we are not trophies! We are not to be idols or objects to our husbands. We are human beings with innate worth in Christ! Sometimes, certain women are very sensitive to triggers about a wife having to perform to be accepted. I think this wife’s approach may be a great blessing to many who struggle with balancing messages in the area of dealing with husbands being visual and having temptations, etc…

FROM A SISTER IN CHRIST:

Some Christian studies on marriage can tempt us to feel responsible for our husbands sin, our marriage, to stay together, and a whole lot of performance on our part to make sure he is never tempted and we are always enough for him. The problem is we are never pretty enough, exciting enough or wonderful enough to hold our marriages together. Our husbands could still sin even if we were.

So we need the truth – We are not going to be enough to keep our husbands faithful or keep them from sin. We are not their Savior. Their sin issues were there before we were in their lives.

  • Only God can set them free from lust or anything else.
  • Only God can set us free from fear, worry, and “performancing.”

I am already beautiful in Christ and I need to be filled up with His love and truth about me. Only Christ is enough for my husband. If he is focused on Christ, Jesus is enough for him. So the answer for my husband to be free – is Christ. I can pray for him. And the answer for me to be free – is Christ.

I don’t have to be a victim – worried about my husband’s sin or potential to sin.

I can grow with Christ in any circumstance including one where my husband is sinning. My hope, joy, and identity is in Christ, not my husband or myself being perfect. I don’t have to pressure myself and feel constant guilt and fear to perform or he will leave me. I can rest in Christ’s love and grace for me and for my marriage and husband. I don’t have to worry about the future and what-ifs. I can enjoy my husband and think of intimacy and beauty as a good gift from God rather than a heavy, impossible duty I will never be good enough at (a lie from Satan).

Rather than be fearful and jealous, (Beth Moore said jealousy and fear has never won back a wandering husband) and looking at my lack, I can look at all the good already in my husband, all the love and blessings Christ has already given me, and the hope that God is fighting for me and my marriage. I am not the Holy Spirit and I can quit trying to police my husband and be free to give him respect and to pray for him. I can listen to God and stay out of His way if my husband does need convicting.

Sometimes my husband isn’t even struggling and it is just me being paranoid that is the problem! I need to ask for God’s wisdom, and not try to figure out what is right in my own eyes.

RELATED:

A Book Review – Through a Man’s Eyes by Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross

Could Your Husband Be Trapped in Shame?

People Pleasing

Perfectionism

My Security and Identity is In Christ Alone!

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

Posts about Husbands’ Porn Use

I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually

Are We Responsible for Our Spouse’s Happiness?

Unhealthy VS Healthy Relationships

 

13 thoughts on “Being a Trophy Wife is Not the Goal, My Dear Sisters! – by Radiant

    1. Becca,

      I’m so glad you got to read this post. I pray God will continue to speak to you through it and that He might draw you closer to Himself and to receiving all the good things He has for you. 🙂

      Much love!

  1. You have no idea how much i needed this today. I just ran around my house praising him for his goodness. Whoever wrote this thank you so much for sharing God used your words to answer a prayer i prayed just last night and to see this in my email this morning i am overwhelmed.

    My husband left me a couple of months ago. Last night as we were discussing the issues in our marriage, he pretty much said that I was to blame. If i would have been more exciting and adventouros sexually he would have felt i wanted Him and wouldnt have left. I told him that he had a problem with lust and no matter what i did i couldnt satisfy a spirit of lust. He replied that it was my responsibility to help him.

    I know that we are not to deprive our husbands but that wasnt the case here. I left that conversation feeling heavy. I always want to remain humble and let God point out my sin but in this situation I felt that my husband was just trying to make me his scapegoat so he didnt have to deal with his own issues of lust and adultry. God confirmed that this morning. Thank you sooo much

    1. Jessica,

      I’m so glad this was a blessing to you. It can be difficult to get get the balance right. We are responsible for ourselves. We can exercise, look nice, take care of ourselves, seek to bless our husbands, be willing to participate in intimacy… But there can be times when what our husbands expect is unreasonable or when something is on their side of the marriage and is a sin issue in their own hearts. Those are things we can’t control or fix.

      It is much easier to blame others than to take responsibility for our own sin. That has been going on since the Garden of Eden – and it is still happening today.

      Yes you have a responsibility to help him. But he is responsible for his own sin and his obedience to God for himself. There are some ways you can bless and help him. There are some things he has to handle in his own life with God. I pray for God’s clear insights about where your responsibilities end and your husband’s begin.

      I pray for God’s wisdom and healing for you, your husband, and your marriage, my precious sister!

  2. Jessica, I’m so glad you can see truth and that you’re sensitive to the Spirit’s leading. Sometimes it really has nothing to do with us but our very own graceful behaviors can be simply convicting. A mentor of mine said years ago that if I began changing, be prepared for my husband to change too or leave.

    I’ve been away for awhile, having to switch gears…understanding that God can lead me through my husband even if it means leading me away from him. My husband also left and said he’s not coming back, ring off with a book in hand filled with notation on how angry and invisible he felt in the marriage, very unaware of deception I discovered weeks ago. I said that I respect his decision. I’ve given my all and stood on truth, I know God is pleased with me. Since he’s been gone, God has provided in ways that appear I must be making it up! His faithfulness is amazing. I praise God for how He’s refined me…and continues to grow me up. He is absolutely awesome. In my heart, I fight off bitterness towards my husband and pray that he finds happiness and wholeness. I love him enough to let him go and love myself enough to honor the woman God created me to be, and that’s not a trophy but something better.
    How freeing to ‘get it’- that we are uniquely precious…truly fearfully and wonderfully made!

    April, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work that you do and for helping me to lean on God in a way I never have before. I am prepared to walk forward, holding only God’s hand. This journey has been absolutely life changing. Bless you!

    1. Refined,

      You are always welcome here! 🙂

      I love your response and your spiritual strength. Thank you so much for sharing with us – I know your story will bless other hurting wives. Your faith blesses me!

      You are most welcome. How may I pray for you? I would love to hear anything you are able to share about all that God is doing.

      Much love to you!
      April

  3. God “grows us up”. That line really struck me today. It is very freeing to mature spiritually and realize all the ways we can live a better life. I feel like I was given a secret, a special clue. It makes me feel full of wisdom! I wish everyone could get their hands on this secret…I bet God does too!

    A trophy wife article is really about the dis-ease of perfectionism. It’s about seeking approval from our husbands and everyone else instead of from God. Living in this “impossible to achieve” mentality is futile and exhausting. The sooner we realize we WILL be making mistakes…every day, the sooner we come to a mature place of reality instead of fantasy and we begin to become humble. We can accept ourselves for who we are and truly be okay with our imperfect selves. The only thing we really need to prove is our gratitude to God for saving our sinful souls.

    Coming from a self proclaimed person who is a recovering perfectionist, this will always be a struggle for me. But I can see it in others clear as day, now. I catch it in myself so much quicker. As long as my priorities are right. GOD continues to bless me. Thank you, April for this post.

  4. This is definitely true! I’ve actually been accused of teaching that wives need to be perfect so that their husbands won’t look at porn LOL, but nothing could be further from truth! I do definitely believe that women help their husbands immensely with temptation by being sexually attractive and available, but if their husbands have a deeper issue that needs healing from God, they can do very little to “fix” it until he gets right first.

    I occasionally have wives email me expressing concern and sadness over their husband’s porn addiction, and I do sympathize with them greatly, but I also ask about their sex lives and if they have communicated with their husbands enough to know what he desires in bed. Usually I get the answer that they know they should be doing more – they usually admit they need to be having sex more frequently, or making themselves more sexually attractive. But then sometimes there will be a wife that doesn’t want to look at her own sin, and thinks porn is just a normal thing happily married men (sexually fulfilled men) can’t help but do. She says the things I read here: that she’ll never be pretty enough, never be attractive enough, and gives up hope for a marriage without porn.

    I wrote a post “Is He Really Satisfied?” based off of a comment Dan from Frankly Speaking blog answered, that goes through a list of things couples can ask each other, but especially that a wife can ask her husband about what they would like in their sex life/frequency. These kinds of questions need to be normal things couples feel they can talk about freely with each other. It’s also good to be honest with ourselves and see if we’re doing anything to contribute to the problem of a porn addiction. Are we making enough time to have sex with him? Are we denying him too often? Are we keeping ourselves in reasonable shape so that our husbands are honestly attracted to us? Are we open to hearing he may NOT be attracted to us at this time because we’ve let ourselves go? It can be extremely painful though for a wife to find out that her husband would desire her to lose more weight so that he can find her sexually attractive again, but sometimes that is the very case, and the truth may hurt, but it can heal a marriage and a lacking sex life. When a wife emails me about her husband looking at porn, and I ask her if she’s ever asked him those questions, it usually comes up that she hasn’t.

    It’s so sad but sometimes when we dig deeper, it becomes clear that her husband may have a Madonna/Whore complex, where he married his wife because she was so beautiful, good, and pure to him, but he still deals with immense lust for the forbidden, porn star-like woman who is the opposite of the wife he picked. It can come from an overly religious background that gave him this particular view of sex, or a past porn addiction from his single days that has become a satanic stronghold in his life affecting their marriage bed. I’ve written about that topic as well, and how unfair I think it is for a man to have that particular kind of psychological sex issue and spiritual bondage (unfair to his wife because he has her set into a “role” and doesn’t allow her to be a complete sexual partner). As long as he is a slave to that lust and particular issue, as long as he sees women in this kind of dichotomy of “pure Madonna” and “porn-star Whore,” their marriage can never have the fully free engagement in sexual intimacy that God designed for it.

    God never designed sex to be seen through the lens of “dirty” or “slutty” or “too racy” or “whorish.” So a husband that is fully sexually fulfilled with his wife, should be having his sexual needs met fully in her. And not still have this faulty view of splitting women into these two categories and still craving the “dirty” or “porn-star” look he’s become addicted to from porn. Luckily, I don’t think many men have this issue at all, I’ve only seen it a few times, and mostly from extremely religious men – the sexual hangup really does seem to come from overly religious views of sex only being for children, or men not wanting their wives to be sexy, wear lingerie, or sometimes they don’t even want to see their wife wearing makeup because to them it’s too “whorish.” But then this same husband has this addiction to porn he has been enslaved to for years and years, and guess what? The porn stars he fantasizes about all wear lots of makeup, wear lingerie (something he desires his own wife NOT to wear), and behave seductively (something I’ve had wives tell me their husbands aren’t ok with from them), and he’s pursuing this because it’s meeting a craving left over from the lack of spiritual/sexual healing on his part. Again, it breaks my heart when I hear a wife telling me this, because it is very unfair to her, and out of her hands as to how and when he gets healed or gets serious about confronting his Madonna/Whore issue and breaking free from that spiritual bondage.

    Thanks April, it’s good to think about these things!

  5. Radiant,
    It sounds to me like I have a lot of the same dynamics in marriage as you do, would you be willing to counsel one on one by email?I’m not 100% sure about posting my personal stuff so public. Thanks

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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