Skip to main content
IMG_3051-2-4001

"Unlock Your Libido" Book Review

Small-Unlock-Libido-300pix

(TRIGGER ALERT – If you are a higher drive wife with a husband with lower libido, please don’t read this review if you know that reading about something like this might be upsetting to you.)

I have never done a book review on such a topic but I have seen how much pain there is in so many marriages where a wife has a lack of desire for physical intimacy. (Of course, there is much pain when a husband has a lack of desire, as well. But that is a different post!) Lack of sexual intimacy in marriage leads to deeply hurting spouses and increased tension, stress, and strife in marriage. Our enemy loves to promote anything that will create tension and division. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy in our marriages and families. But God wants to strengthen our marriages and to empower us to become the godly women He calls us to be for His glory.

IMG_3051-2-4001

Bonny Logsdon Burns

I had the privilege of “meeting” Bonny Logsdon Burns through the Christian Marriage Bloggers’ Association. There are lots of amazing Christian marriage blogs to be discovered there! (Note – please always compare what any writer says against the Bible – including my own writing, please!)

What I like about “Unlock Your Libido” is the way Bonny points women to finding fulfillment in Christ first and how she directs women to Scripture to deal with the spiritual and emotional issues that may be impacting a woman’s desire for her husband physically. She also talks about neuroscience, biology, neurochemistry, and practical suggestions that surround many of the issues of low libido wives.  That is an approach I can get exited about! Give ALL the resources possible – but focus especially on Christ and the truth of His Word and the power of God’s Spirit.

Bonny shares her story on her blog www.oysterbed7.com where her entire ministry is devoted to “low libido wives.” I’m glad that I can share this resource for those who may need it. I realize not everyone will be in this boat. But I believe that any wife who is in need of spiritual and sexual healing may find a good place to start in Bonny’s book, “Unlock Your Libido.”  I also think that wives with “normal libido” who have a higher drive husband may also benefit. For a wife whose husband is lower drive, she may not want to purposely try to increase her libido – that may just be frustrating. (I have tips for wives to focus on lowering their drive here for these situations.) It is possible that husbands might be able to read this book to “reverse engineer” some beneficial approaches if their wives are struggling with low libido.

THE BOOK

Bonny’s book is a 52 week course. Each week has a devotional section where Bonny discusses a particular topic. Themes vary from Bible passages, to addressing sin, to scientific studies, and topics related to the issue of low libido.  There is then a Scripture passage to focus on for then next week. And then a “positive thought” to help wives practice thinking positive, Philippians 4:8 kinds of things:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

She gives wives space to write down their thoughts each day of the week about the issue that was discussed and the positive thought and Scripture for that week which I believe is a powerful way to reinforce new thinking and to change our inner dialogue. I want to share some of the topics to give you a tantalizing taste of what you are in for with this ebook:

  • Renewal
  • God is Not Anti-Beauty
  • Sexpectations
  • Benefits of Sexual Intimacy
  • Spiritual Libido
  • Adversity
  • Redefining Sexy
  • You Are Sexually Adequate!
  • The Hero in Your Husband
  • Idol-Free
  • Why Satan Targets Marriage
  • God’s Purpose for Your Low Libido
  • When the Headaches Strike

The book does not address any of the mechanics or details of sex. It is really mostly about how wives struggle and overcome their struggles with low desire.

The devotional is easy to read and usually about a page. Just once a week. Bonny’s writing style is friendly, personal, gentle, engaging, humorous, encouraging, and truthful. She addresses the hard topics with compassion, grace, understanding, and plenty of suggestions to help in various situations. I think wives will get the most out of this book if they stick to reading one devotional each week and then memorize the Scripture passage for each week and write down a brief positive thought each day about that week’s topic. Bonny is careful to address women in their entirety – body, soul, and mind. Love that!

Bonny helps women examine their walk with Christ, their motives, and search for any sin that may be blocking God’s Spirit’s power in their lives. She teaches wives step by step to transform their thinking from negative, self-sabotaging thinking to positive, empowered, Bible-centered thinking. Our thoughts are SO important! And our thoughts and emotions as women are extremely tied into our ability to have a healthy libido and desire for our husband. She encourages wives to view themselves as teammates with their husbands. I also appreciate how she encourages wives to become godly wives and to respect and honor their husbands.

The only thing I was not super excited about – was chapter 51 on “Centering Prayer.” I have some concerns that it could be a bit too closely linked to Eastern meditation practices. That would be something each wife could prayerfully consider for herself or discuss with her husband and research on her own. If you are interested in learning to pray more powerfully, I would recommend Kay Author’s study, “Lord, Teach Me to Pray,” or E. M. Bounds book, “The Necessity of Prayer.”

CONCLUSION

I am so thankful for Bonny’s openness and transparency and for her willingness to share so many pearls of wisdom God has given to her on her own journey. I was going to try to pick one or two chapters that were my favorites, but there were so many that were a blessing – I decided it was impossible to narrow it down. What  a blessing to so many sisters in Christ and to many marriages that God is using her to share this important message of hope with wives in the Body of Christ!

Please join me in praying for Bonny’s ministry and her marriage  – that God might protect her and her husband from temptation and from harm, that He might continue to empower them and use them for His glory, and that His Spirit and truth might flow through Bonny to build up the Body of Christ for the glory of God and of the Gospel.

Strong, godly marriages lead to strong families, strong churches, strong communities, and a healthy, holy new generation to come. Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage that the enemy wants to destroy. He knows if he can destroy intimacy in marriage, the marriage may fall apart. I don’t want that to happen to any of us! May God richly bless the intimacy in each of our marriages on every level and may His Spirit shine brightly in and through us to reach this world for Christ!

RELATED:

www.forgivenwife.com  – A “sister blog” to Bonny’s that is a ministry especially for those wives who realize they have been withholding themselves from their husbands and being “sexual gatekeepers” and who want to change to become the wives God desires them to be and to bless their husbands with sexual intimacy.

I Feel Like I’m Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes – I answer a wife’s question in this post. Be sure not to miss her response later in the comments about how much God healed her later!

The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage  – for wives whose husbands tend to reject them sexually

Taking Initiative Sexually in Marriage – for wives who have been hesitant to do so, but whose husbands would really appreciate if they would initiate more

When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage – for wives who are higher drive than their husbands

Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord

Peacefulwife Posts about Going Deeper in Prayer

19 thoughts on “"Unlock Your Libido" Book Review

  1. Just a word of caution- not necessarily pointed at this author, book or blog- but more at the association of bloggers in general that was refrenced. Be extremely wise in what content one digests and considers godly advice. I am honestly surprised they allow April to be in the association as her teachings very often are in direct conflict with the majority of writers that gather under that umbrella and run that umbrella. We are to test all doctrine and teaching according to scripture and I cannot think of a more pressing time to do that than in this situation.

  2. I would like to read this book, but afraid my children would find it! LOL I just read the related article about wives feeling like a piece of meat…..wow. I have a genuine question.
    So I tried the gentle approach with my husband about how I do not like to be groped and that approach did not work. I have recently been more open about how much I truly don’t like it and that it actually turns me off. Sadly, he continues to grope me. He thinks that I should like it, that I am the problem.
    I want to please my husband, but I can’t help the way that I feel about this. This issue has now become a problem for us in the bedroom. Because he feels like I’ve rejected him he has become distant at home and goes out of his way to isolate himself away from me and the kids. So now I am doing the work of a single mom and am exhausted come bed time, which is when he comes to me for “attention”. As you can imagine, that has not been going over very well!
    I know that if this turmoil remains in our house for too long it will destroy our marriage…..
    So here is my question, do I allow my husband to grope me just to keep the peace? And do I give in to my husband even if my heart isn’t in it and I’m so tired I can barely stand? I know that is not the ideal situation, but he IS NOT willing to change.
    So if this marriage is going to last it is all up to me.

    1. ExhaustedWife,

      Have you tried explaining some things you DO like to your husband? Ways that he can touch you that actually turn you on?

      The groping thing is definitely not a big turn on for most women. Perhaps this is how husbands might like us to approach them? Not totally sure. Interestingly, one chapter in Unlock Your Libido talked about a study that found that men’s skin is 10X less sensitive than women’s. Maybe if they knew that our skin was so much more sensitive, they would understand better that the groping stuff actually hurts?

      I think it is possible to respond to groping in a supportive way… i.e.:

      Aw, Honey, I’m so glad you desire me like that. You know what would really turn me on? ….

      Then he doesn’t have to feel rejected, but you can communicate what would work best for you – AND you can appreciate that he desires you, even if his approach isn’t your favorite.

      I would also encourage you to read the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.

      Thankfully, you are not alone in seeking to save your marriage if you have Christ. He can give you the power and wisdom to do this, and He can work in your husband’s heart in ways you never could to help heal him, as well. 🙂

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      If you are exhausted – you can ask about waiting until the next morning. Or – you can also share with him, “I really want more time and energy to devote to lovemaking with you. What can I take off my plate? Or what do you think we can change so that I can have a lot more energy to give to you?”

      Let me know how things go!

      Much love!
      April

  3. Thank you, April, for sharing your honest thoughts about, “Unlock Your Libido.” May God’s word powerfully works in the marriages of the wives who find it useful. It’s a blessing to minister to marriages with you.

    1. Thanks so much, Bonny! I am excited about what God has given you to share with wives. I know He will continue to bless many marriages through the things you have learned in some painful seasons in your life.

      Thanks for being a co-laborer for Christ with me! 🙂

      Much love!

  4. Thank you for posting this. My Husband and I have been married 16 months and I can see the Enemy really tries to hinder sexual intimacy. Neither of us have low libidos, but we have different libidos. We didn’t have sex with one another until our wedding night. During our engagement , we were so excited about our upcoming sexual relationship. My Husband was almost 37 when we married and a virgin. I thought after all those years of abstinence he would want sex all the time…..and I was surprised that he doesn’t. It surprised him. We were counseled prior to marriage that many newlyweds have sexual intimacy daily for the first year or two. So both of us were taken aback when we saw what was happening with us wasn’t what was said in premarital counseling!!! We both really enjoy this part of marriage, but it is something we have to be intentional about with time and schedules. There was a time where I got worried. I was having to undergo some medical treatments and there was a period of almost 5 months where we were not able to have intercourse. It was very hard on us both. I know there are other “ways”, but it isn’t the same. My Husband and I began praying for my body to cooperate and that we could have intercourse again. God heard our prayers and finally, in the past few weeks we have been able to have that part of the marriage relationship. God has been showing me the past few months some things about marital sexual intimacy……

    1. It’s ok to pray and ask for help with this part of marriage.
    2. Sometimes things happen where we can’t have sex even if we want to(like the medical stuff I had for several months)- that is hard on both husband and wife but it made me really appreciate this gift in marriage.
    3. I learned how patient and loving my Husband was when we had to abstain until my body healed. This gave me a greater appreciation for him.
    4. I have seen that even though we had to abstain for several months we were still intimate in.our relationship. God showed me intimacy is not just about sex.

    The Enemy wants to hinder couples from.sexual intercourse. Right now my Husband is in Seminary and working two jobs. We know that this is something we will have to be intentional about and keep a priority. I have seen that even though in our marriage we haven’t had sex as much as we assumed we would before we married, that what is developing within us as a couple is still good. He loves me, I love him, and each couple is different. We are both still praying together that God will continue to strengthen this area of our marriage.

    We enjoy it, but we both see that we didn’t fit the “newlywed mold” in this area and we had to find a balance that works for us. This is such an incredible gift to give to each other. I would encourage anyone with any health issues that could be making this difficult to seek out care medically…….and pray that God would help you and your Husband in this area!!!

    1. Ashlie,

      Thank you so much for sharing!

      I severely sprained my lower back 1 week into our marriage. We had a lot of other very stressful issues going on for the first few months of our marriage, as well – and we didn’t “fit the newlywed mold” either for a number of reasons. I was devastated! Unfortunately, the way I responded to all of the challenges and problems we faced – was to become angry, resentful, bitter, disrespectful, and upset. That did not help matters!

      There are times in marriage – sometimes whole seasons – where physical intimacy may not be possible. I don’t think many of us are well-prepared for that. I know I wasn’t.

      I appreciate your willingness to share what God has shown you.

      May He continue to heal and bless you both individually and in your marriage. 🙂

      1. Thank you for sharing that. I think more engaged couples should be taught before marriage that there may be seasons where sexual intimacy may not be possible.

  5. When I first got married I found sex extremely painful. My husband hated hurting me. The first 15 years there was not much sex as I was quite scared. In hindsight a lot of our problems have stemmed from this. It’s much better now as I got some help from a physiotherapist (took me way too long to do that). I would like to warn engaged people that it doesn’t always play out like you think it will. I’d never imagined that I’d be crying on my wedding night because of the pain. It’s great that there is help out there for those in similar situations.

    1. Anonymous,

      I do think it could be very helpful for engaged couples to know that there are many things that may interrupt sexual intimacy – some of which may be unavoidable: side effects from medications, extreme stress, deployments, travel for jobs, pregnancy complications, physical problems, emotional issues, spiritual problems, and all kinds of possible issues.

      Thankfully – God is sufficient and He can use even these difficult times to draw us closer to Himself and to ultimately make us stronger in Christ!

      Much love to you! Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so thankful you got some help!!! Praise God!

  6. “And our thoughts and emotions as women are extremely tied into our ability to have a healthy libido and desire for our husband…”

    This is so true! Men and women are very different. Science has been searching rather fruitlessly for some magic pill that will increase women’s libido, but what is so often misunderstood is that attraction and desire are directly related to our thoughts and feelings. To make it even more challenging, some of our thoughts and feelings can be very subtle, almost subconscious.

    2 Corinthians 10:5 speaks of how we cast down imaginations and bring into captivity every thought. Those verses really helped me to understand how important it was to take charge of my thoughts. Sex and intimacy really don’t happen all by themselves, we have to put some effort in.

  7. Thank you April for the warning about chapter 51 concerning centering prayer. You are absolutely right . In my opinion it is dangerous. Please hold your ground on this one ,may our Lord Jesus strengthen you .

  8. I have what may be a silly question…I’m wondering how the word low in “low libido wives” gets defined? Is there a scientific definition? Is it just low-er than the spouse? Is it because of wrong expectations regarding frequency? I.e. We should have sex 3 times a day, every day.

    Just wondering…

    1. Amber,

      I am not sure that there is one specific definition. There are some wives who have almost no desire ever. And there are other situations where the wife just has a lower drive than her husband, but that does not necessarily mean she has a “low libido.”

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: