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A Question for the Gentlemen about Having a Peaceful, Joyful Wife

happy girl

I’m so thankful for the men who are willing to share their masculine perspectives with us. Y’all shed so much light and understanding on really important topics, and I believe, help to close the chasm of misunderstanding between many husbands and wives.

I would love to hear from the men about this topic because I am hoping to write about it in the next week or two. I may quote you anonymously, either in a blog post, or maybe even in a book. So if you share, you are giving me permission to share your words in the future, possibly. You are welcome to answer any or all of the questions.

  • What is it about a genuinely peaceful, content, joyful, grateful, happy wife that is attractive to you specifically or to men in general?
  • What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is content, smiling, relaxed, and joyful?
  • What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is unhappy, upset, negative, complaining, worried, freaking out, stressed, etc…?
  • How important is your wife’s happiness to you?
  • How important is your wife’s contentment, peace and joy to you?

Thank you so much, my dear brothers! 🙂

Ladies,

Perhaps you would like to share about how you feel when your husband is genuinely peaceful, content, joyful, and happy? 🙂

 

A Friendly Reminder, Ladies:

It is wonderful for us to want our spouse to be happy. But, we can take that too far. There is a balance where we are concerned about our spouse’s welfare, but we are also aware that ultimately, our highest calling is to be faithful and obedient to Christ, and to please Him.

Idolatry of Happiness

Are We Responsible for Our Spouse’s Happiness?

48 thoughts on “A Question for the Gentlemen about Having a Peaceful, Joyful Wife

  1. When my wife is joyful and grateful I’m satisfied that she’s not looking for something better. She’s loves being with me, and that’s very attractive. When my wife is happy my emotions are joy, satisfaction, and delight ! When she is down & depressed I feel sad, confused, and worried. How she feels is very important to me. She’s my rock and my best friend. She’s extremely important, and helps me feel complete.

    1. Archie,

      I don’t think most wives realize how much influence our moods have on our husbands. I know I didn’t used to understand this in those earlier years of our marriage. Thank you very much for sharing! This is such powerful stuff! If a wife can understand how much her husband is blessed when she is spiritually and emotionally doing well, it would make it much easier for wives to trust their husbands’ leadership, in my view. If I can “get” that my joy, contentment and even happiness are very important to my husband, then I can trust him and submit to his decisions, knowing that he is truly looking out for my best interests, not just for his own interests.

      Thanks so much!

      1. A few thoughts, just in general…

        Even more than my husband being concerned with my happiness, his desire to see me flourish in my walk with Christ and his desire to please and honor Christ above all else in his life gives me even more peace and makes submitting to him easier.

        Of course, if a wife is not willing to submit fully to Christ, she cannot submit to her husband. But when she does fully submit to Christ, she gets the fruit of God’s Spirit – overflowing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

        Godliness is very attractive to our spouses!

  2. “What is it about a genuinely peaceful, content, joyful, grateful, happy wife that is attractive to you specifically or to men in general?”

    I like being around people who are in a good mood. It helps keep me in a good mood. I’d be happy if every one of my friends and family were peaceful, content, joyful and happy (and grateful whenever that applies)

    “What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is content, smiling, relaxed, and joyful?”

    Normal, warm feelings. I feel secure knowing that she is thriving and able to handle life.

    “What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is unhappy, upset, negative, complaining, worried, freaking out, stressed, etc…?”

    I feel sorry for her and want to help and comfort her. Or distract her. There are lots of things I can fix or change so that whatever is causing stress becomes more easy to manage. Sometimes I can’t, but it’s good to be nice about that too.

    “How important is your wife’s happiness to you?” Very important.

    “How important is your wife’s contentment, peace and joy to you?” Very important. I’ll help any way I can.

  3. Hi all, I’m interested in what the guys have to say. I’ve noticed a change in my husband’s attitude and mood since I’ve been striving to be a Godly wife. Faith is a topic that is “off limits” in our house so I don’t feel I can bring this subject up.

    Thank you for this topic April and to everyone who shares!

    1. Melanie,

      You may not be able to talk about faith, but – you probably could casually ask your husband general questions about himself or about men – like “So, Honey, how do men feel when their wives are happy and peaceful?” Or “How do men feel when their wives are negative and upset a lot?” Of course, if he is very shut down, you may have to wait awhile on asking things.

      Thankfully, as he feels safer and safer, he will probably be more willing to share answers to questions like these and you will get an amazing chance to see his perspective and his heart. 🙂

      Much love!

      1. I believe most men would welcome questions like that, if they believed that they were sincere questions, and if they could give totally honest answers without paying a price for doing so.

  4. If my wife freaks out with life on occasion, but trusts me to help her with it, it would not be a problem for me. But if she is often freaking out, screaming, yelling, etc., then I will feel that she is using these emotional outbursts to gain the upper hand over me. Either that, or I will wonder how I got stuck with such a basket case.

    I need to feel that she believes in me, and that she respects and trusts me. If I am confident of that, then I will move heaven and earth to comfort her during the times she is unhappy, and to fix whatever is making her unhappy. But if I am not confident of that, then the negativity would be very bothersome to me; and I wouldn’t be very motivated to care about her feelings.

  5. Most of these are not easily answered and completely depends on how the relationship is going. For a guy we tend to accumulate people similar to the way Christ talks about his flock. We tend our own flock and thrive inside when they are protected, provided for, and happy.

    These people include our family, friends, children, wife, and others. These are the people that come to us for advice or help and make us feel wanted/needed. We also categorize them and place them as levels of importance so that wife is more important than friends or whatever depending on the individual and his priorities.

    When a man gets married, he immediately claims his wife as one of those that he shepherds over. In almost every case that I have seen though women are taught to rebel against this because they view it as being his property instead of seeing the benefit of his love. Much the same that many people see belonging to Christ as negative instead of seeing the blessings he has to offer.

    So most of the women I have seen refuse to “belong” to her man. This puts us guys in a difficult position. You fight us for leadership of the home and challenge us everyday, then you turn around and demand that we take more charge or responsibility.

    We get tired of fighting you for leadership a lot of times and give in. A lot of men just give the reigns over to his wife and give up. If the person we love the most in life is unhappy then we try to fix that. But what this does is it makes our wife no longer “ours”. We no longer feel obligated to protect or provide. After this then you can solve your own problems and turn to others for advice. You are no longer our problem at that point. I’ve seen a lot of families get this way.

    So with that in mind, the answers to your questions depend on how much the wife has fought for her “freedom” and leadership of the relationship. If she wants to be in charge then she can be her own rock to cling to in a storm. She can feel the weight and responsibility of failure. It’s what’s expected of the leader.

    So… “•What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is unhappy, upset, negative, complaining, worried, freaking out, stressed, etc…?

    It depends… Does she belong to me? If so then I feel responsible to help her. I have to be her oak to find shelter under and help her weather her storms. If she doesn’t then I feel irritated and annoyed that she is coming to me with her problems. I would find a way to leave and go hang out with people I cared about.

    “•What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is content, smiling, relaxed, and joyful”

    Well she is definitely better to be around that way but it still depends. If she has fought me for control of the relationship then I feel indifferent towards her or maybe slightly suspicious. If she hasn’t then I feel peaceful and like everything is right in the world. Either way though it’s very pleasant to feel the positive energy of a woman.

    “•How important is your wife’s happiness to you?
    •How important is your wife’s contentment, peace and joy to you?

    Those are basically the same question. Again this is dependent on my relationship with her. If she doesn’t look to me as her leader then she can find her own happiness and I’ll find mine. If she does however like belonging to me then the lengths at which I would go to make her happy are going to far exceed those of which she will ever go for me.

    This, in my limited understanding, is how Christ loves us. If we choose to belong to him and accept his lead he will show us more love than we can understand. If we refuse him and demand to be in charge then we have no promise.

    1. Jace,

      Wow! This is such a clear explanation – and I love how you shared about that sense of belonging, and if a wife is looking to her husband’s leadership. I like how you refer to this as shepherding. I think your points are really important about if a wife is going off on her own, she puts herself in a position of not being the husband’s responsibility. And I appreciate the way you shared how a husband’s feelings toward his wife would be different depending on the relationship dynamics.

      Very powerful. Thank you so much, my brother!

      1. A,

        Jace is welcome to respond, as well, but I can tell you that YES! God can and does heal marriages many times if a wife is willing to change and become the woman God calls her to be in the Bible (by the power of His Spirit working in her). I have seen it happen hundreds and hundreds of times and seen many marriages heal. 🙂

        1. Do you have any previous entries on how to heal this situation or any advice on how to heal this situation? I am a wife who was once a single mother of a child with serious health needs, due to my responsibility to be mom and dad I have a sense of control and independence that is frustrating for my husband. I want to trust his thoughts and “be his” but according to him I fail miserably. Problem is I don’t see it. I feel like I am doing everything right and I am confused when he tells me I’m not. So I feel like the post by Jace is our exact situation and the reason that my husband wants a divorce. I am trying I am fighting but I don’t know where to go.
          The love dare book I have tried I think I made it to day 12 and each day I broke day 1 which is speak respectfully in my opinion. I wanted to get through the whole thing but I get so discouraged by his negativity of me. It seems that everything I do is wrong. I compliment him and I am wrong I buy him something I am wrong I ignore an argument I am wrong I keep my mouth shut I’m wrong I voice my opinion in wrong. But when reading through that post it seems to be the exact thing my husband feels. Any suggestions on how to come back from this situation?

          1. A,

            I have TONS of posts about these topics. I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page first, they are a great place to get started. Maybe start with the ones about disrespect, respect, and biblical submission. Then Spiritual Authority.

            I’m right here and am happy to chat with you as you have concerns or questions. The biggest thing is your relationship with God – which you will see as you read. How is your walk with Christ going?

            It is possible that your husband has felt so disrespected for so long, that you can’t “fix it” in one instant. Does that makes sense?

            Are either of you dealing with any addictions, mental health issues, abuse, or major issues?

            What is your husbands’ relationship with Christ?

            Much love and a BIG hug to you! Many, many wives and marriages find healing here. You are most welcome here, my friend!

            I also have a Youtube channel, “April Cassidy,” that may be helpful.

          2. Hi A. I don’t know the specifics about your situation so it’s hard to know the exact best advice to give so I left it kind of blank. It sounds like you and your husband are both going through a rough time here and I am very sorry about that.

            We humans are very weird. God gave us programming that runs in the back of our mind that we have very little control over. We can only control how we react to it. Things like what we find attractive and unattractive or our deep emotional responses are in that section of us. It rests in there like instincts and can’t be fought very well until we learn more about it.

            One of those things is our testing of a mate’s true intentions. This is where a lot of women start their challenging of their husband’s leadership. Women will intentionally insult their man or his decisions and bully him in order to see how he responds. The depths this goes varies from woman to woman. When your man stands up for himself you feel happy that you have chosen well with him but this leads him to feel under attack and give up on you in a sense. Most of the time he won’t stand up for himself though because his programming is telling him to do anything to make you happy. He feels like a failure when his group isn’t happy with him.

            After a while of these attacks he will give up and quit trying to be the leader. His trust in you is shattered and it is difficult to rebuild. When you start to try to tell him that he should lead and be more in charge he likely sees it as a trap.

            So this is what your situation kind of sounds like. He now feels like you have been challenging him and fighting with him for a long time and any time you attempt to right any wrongs he likely doesn’t believe you. So to respond to your attempts he is now testing your submissiveness like you tested his dominance.

            When he starts up one of those arguments with you, then you have to remember not to argue back. This is a difficult thing to do. Don’t defend or attack. Don’t make excuses. You have to prove to him that you want him as a leader and you do this by showing him you are on his side and that you are his. The more you challenge him in these arguments the more he is seeing you as a rival and feels less respect. So when he tests you like this prove to him you aren’t his competition in this. Apologize for what needs to be apologized for or ask him what he would like done instead. Show him you are one side instead of two opposing forces.

      2. Hey there A. It is absolutely possible to recover from this but almost every woman I’ve ever seen has gone about the wrong way. The problem is like this

        Woman wants control so she fights for it. Man wants to make woman happy so he allows her to have her way. He will make sacrifice after sacrifice to make her happy. Woman is not happy because she wanted a man and not a sycophant. She wanted a leader in her home but instead he has backed down to make her happy. Man is unhappy because he wanted respect and has none. He wants his sacrifices to be noticed but they never are.

        At this point most women get disappointed with their man and want him to take more of a leadership role in the family. So in order to remedy this they demand that their man do x or y and order him to fix it. This is delegation or ordering and can only come from a position of leadership. No matter how hard you try to go about this method it will fail. You cannot order your man to lead as it is paradoxical.

        In order to make this work you will need to show that you respect him. You are going to have to prove to him that you see him as a leader and not as the man child that so many women call their men. You are going to have to apologize for all the belittling and emasculating things you’ve done and mean them. This isn’t a time for false apologies.

        Second you have to show that you trust him and that he can trust you to not try to fight him for control again. Depending on how bad your relationship has gotten this could either be easy or near impossible. Trust is an interesting thing. It is like a bridge from one person to the other. It first starts out like a little rope bridge that can barely sustain weight and after time and effort it turns into a massive iron bridge that holds whatever you put on it.

        So this part is tough for a lot of women. I feel that most women don’t really trust their man to lead and fight him for it. If he doesn’t feel trusted then he isn’t going to try. So show him that you trust him. Don’t just tell him you do but prove it by not criticizing his choices and trying to break him down every time he attempts to lead.

        Sorry for being so long winded. I have way too much to say on the subject.

        1. A,

          I totally agree with Jace on his take here. I have seen hundreds of marriages healed in situations like this – but it is only when a wife who was controlling/disrespectful/dominating steps down in humility and stops trying to take over. There is usually a LOT going on spiritually behind the scenes for a wife to be able to do this. She must generally address her greatest fears – because I believe that it is usually fear that causes a wife to think she needs to control her husband and her circumstances and other people. (You can search “fear” on my home page search bar for posts about this). And if she is going to stop trusting herself to lead, she has to replace that with something healthy, so – it has to be that she begins to trust God, instead, and trusting His sovereignty to lead her through her husband. If she tries to fully trust her husband, without trusting God – she can easily make her husband an idol. That is a disaster, too – then she becomes completely needy, expecting him to meet her deepest spiritual/emotional needs that only Christ can meet. That will repel him, as well. He cannot be God to her.

          Then she will also have to sort through all of her thoughts and learn to take them captive for Christ. There are usually a lot of lies that we as women tell ourselves when we are being controlling, and we are filled with fear. So, in order to be able to trust God and to be close to God, we must dissect all of our thoughts and motives through the power of God’s Spirit and His Word and allow Him to remove the ungodly stuff and untruths and rebuild our spiritual lives on Christ and His Word alone.

          In fact, this whole journey to become a godly wife really has almost nothing to do with our husbands, and everything to do with our level of respect, trust and submission to Christ Jesus. If we cannot submit to Him – the perfect Bridegroom – there is just no way we can follow the leadership of an imperfect man or have the power to let go of our fears and step down out of the position of leadership.

          But, as we learn to trust Christ, fully yield to Him, allow Him to radically change our hearts/minds/souls, and as we allow His Spirit to have control rather than our sinful flesh, He can and will change us. It is often a long process. Learning about His sovereignty is a huge key to peace – as we learn to rest in God’s love and His providence – rather than thinking we are sovereign and we must make everything work out ourselves. Our power is in focusing on asking God to cleanse us of any sin in our own lives and trusting God to work in our husbands’ lives in His timing.

          In time, our husbands see our continual peace, joy, patience, gentleness, self-control, respect, and cooperation and God begins to pour healing into the marriage. Trust can be rebuilt when we are living in God’s power and giving Him full control.

          This is what my whole blog is about. I believe you will find the tools and resources you need to heal and to bless your marriage here.

          Much love!

          Jace,

          Thank you very much. This is a fantastic explanation.

          1. God does not fight us for a leadership role in our lives. If we do not submit to God, he draws back.

            A man worthy of being a husband will likewise not fight you for headship of the family and relationship.

          2. Jack,

            That is an excellent point! I think this is something I will definitely chew on for awhile. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂 I always value your insights.

          3. Jack,

            There is a wife whose husband demands that she work two jobs (bringing in twice his income), keep the house perfectly, do all of the childcare, and lose weight. She is extremely stressed. He hasn’t touched her in a year. Any suggestions from a masculine perspective about how a wife might approach a husband if his demands are unreasonable?

      3. I believe that most husbands would be glad to take over the leadership role once again. But it will probably take time for the wife to rebuild trust in her husband, because when his wife is competing with him, she is no longer a safe place for him, and he learns that he can’t trust her.

        Start being supportive of your husband, rather than competitive. Keep doing it for a while, maybe a long while. Sooner or later he will realize that he can trust you. Sooner or later, he will realize that you are no longer competing with him.

  6. I’m interested in hearing the husband’s replies to this as well. The dynamic in our home is a little different. I am usually the peaceful, calm one and my husband has a tendency to be very moody. I know the peace it gives me when he is in a good mood, peaceful, gentle! I also know the anxiety of walking on eggshells when I can tell he’s irritable and anything can set him off. I want to make sure I do not make my husband feel like he is walking on eggshells, ever! I want him to always feel a sense of peace in my presence.

  7. hi april,
    I can certainly understand that a man loves seeing his wife happy and peaceful, content and calm. but, was just wondering how you and some of the other wives would respond to a major change or move in your lives and also, how the husband could expect his wife to be calm and peaceful during this time. for instance, when your life is moving along quite normal and the way you like it, it is lots easier to remain serene. but, I have found many times in my life that my husband has decided it was God’s will for us to up and move, uprooting our kids for maybe a year at a time. yes, this was what he thought was his ministry and I tried to respect that but it was still very, very hard to remain calm and happy at that time. My husband is the type that decides and is unchangeable in his decision. these moves also included being in near poverty, with three children and my trying to homeschool…so, that didn’t help matters or nerves at all! how would you react to that April? do you think you could be peaceful and not question his decisions, while staying happy, smiling and upbeat? I had a difficult time with it and just curious what you and your readers would answer also.

    1. Kay,

      I’m so very sorry that things have been difficult and stressful. 🙁 I don’t know your situation. I don’t know if you are dealing with mental illness, some type of addiction, or other issues in the marriage that may make things more complicated.

      There are times when we won’t have worldly happiness. That is for sure. And there are times when there are great trials and stress that can be overwhelming.

      I do know that I cannot find my contentment, peace, and joy in my husband or his decisions. It has to come totally from my intimacy with God. But – I do believe that in God’s power, we can be filled with His peace, joy, love, thankfulness, and contentment in every circumstance, as Paul writes about in Philippians 4:12-13 from a prison cell. I would hope that a husband would be willing to hear his wife’s concerns. But, even if he makes unwise decisions, or wrong decisions, I believe that God can still work through him and God is still sovereign and a wife can cling to Christ for strength, power, abundant spiritual life, joy, peace, and contentment in the sufficiency of Christ. This is going to require a lot of time in prayer, and a constant abiding in Christ, as well as being filled with the Spirit – but yes, I do believe it is possible in Him.

      When a wife is generally peaceful, joyful, and calm – but she is upset about a decision, I think her negative feelings will have a lot more impact on her husband and will hopefully give him pause about the decision he is making. I am not saying that wives must always be happy. That is not going to happen in real life. And there may be times when we may not have God’s peace, joy, and contentment, and we need help getting back to that place. Or there could be times when we do have God’s Spirit, but we are concerned about a decision we don’t agree with. That is ok. We don’t have to agree with our husbands, and we have valid concerns, feelings, and ideas to share. The post “Spiritual Authority” has a section about “How to Appeal to an Authority” when we believe a decision is unwise. And there is a post “Submitting under Protest” that may be helpful.

      Praying for God’s wisdom, and for the power of His Spirit for you, my precious sister. I pray for wisdom for your husband, as well.

      There will be times we don’t agree with our husbands. I believe it is our responsibility and duty to share our concerns. And I believe a wise husband will listen to his wife’s concerns carefully and make decisions thoughtfully, considering what is truly best for the family. I pray for God’s direction for your family, and for His greatest glory.

      Much love to you!

  8. Haven’t been here for a while but want to answer the questions posted:

    What is it about a genuinely peaceful, content, joyful, grateful, happy wife that is attractive to you specifically or to men in general?

    I think that I can speak for most Christian men, but certainly for myself, the fact that it is both peaceful and encouraging. Peaceful in the sense that you can let your guard down and be the man God made you to be. What I mean by that is if you have a “peaceful” wife then it removes the stress of always having to defend yourself or remain isolated just to keep the peace. When a wife is grateful and happy it fuels a man’s spirit and strengthens his emotions. Especially a Christian man, but I would dare say any man. A true Christian man will respond positively to this and will willing go out of his way to make sure how wife is happy. If things are not peaceful, He still may do it, but resentment will grow. I would say that in the long run, these qualities will make your wife the most attractive person in the universe (to you).

    What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is content, smiling, relaxed, and joyful?

    As I stated above, feelings of contentment, satisfaction and joy. It makes you feel like things are good, even if you have other stresses from work, ministry, financial, whatever. If you wife is all those things you will want to come as quickly as you can and you will feel comfortable sharing and talking. You will reciprocate in love and gentleness. You will overwhelmingly feel respected and loved. To those brothers who think I am exaggerating, think about the last time you felt that when your wife or significant other displayed those things. Think about how you felt.
    What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is unhappy, upset, negative, complaining, worried, freaking out, stressed, etc…?
    Honestly, when those things are the norm, you do not even feeling like coming home. And when you do, you become quiet, reserved and distant. I mentioned being the norm because everyone has a bad day now and then and we cannot be upset when there is something out of the norm. But when it is a pattern of the behavior it can suck the life out of you. You will vacillate between getting angry, praying, apologizing and being silent. If if continues you will withdraw and be resentful. Whatever the stage it’s not a good place to be. You may lose self-confidence and that will spill over to other areas of your life. Some men will seek positive emotions elsewhere, and of course that will only compound the problem. Others will let resentment and anger take over. Some will remain silent to keep the peace, but the negative emotions will eventually fins an outlet. Many of these I have personally experienced.

    How important is your wife’s happiness to you?

    I think most men would want their wives to have a happy disposition. I certainly would. It makes dealing with the hard issues so much easier. If I had the power to make my wife happy all the time, I would. But I realized long ago that true happiness comes from a place that I cannot provide. It is one of the fruits of the Spirit that only God can impart. Once he imparts we need to cultivate it in our lives so that they can grow, both husband and wife. Nothing would make me feel more satisfied and confident than knowing I make my wife happy.

    How important is your wife’s contentment, peace and joy to you?

    Contentment is related to happiness. Contentment comes from a wife when she knows her husband is doing his best (not perfect) to be the best he can be. She will not push, prod or nag. Contentment is leaving things to the Lord. When a husband sees this it will come to him as respect and love. There will be peace in the home. So this state is vitally important to me and will circle back to being attracted and feeling even more self-sacrificial. Nothing is better than coming home to a place that is content, no matter what the situation.

    1. CJ!!!!

      I have missed your insights, my brother!

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always love hearing your perspective. I appreciate you, and many husbands (I am sure) allowing grace for a wife to have a bad day here and there. But I also appreciate you sharing what a husband may think or feel when the wife having the fruit of the Spirit is the norm, vs. what a husband may think or feel when the sinful nature is in control as the norm.

      I’m also glad that you realize you are not responsible for your wife’s happiness. I think that is a very healthy realization.

      I’m so thankful that many husbands desire their wives to be happy, content, peaceful, joyful, and fulfilled. But I am also glad when husbands don’t try to be totally responsible for their wives’ emotions, dispositions, or spiritual well-being. I love that many husbands want to see their wives flourish in every way and want to help. I pray that we all, husbands and wives, might point each other to Christ who is the only Source who can fulfill all of our deepest spiritual and emotional needs.

      Much appreciation!

      1. Thank you for asking such an important question.

        Well, you learn by doing, or should I say by living. Often, we can feel encouraged by sharing our stories, even while we are in the midst of trying times. That’s ministry. Thank you for your ministry. I pray that God continues to bless you.

        cj

        1. CJ,

          Thanks for the encouragement and especially the prayer. I love that we can share our stories and be strengthened by our brothers and sisters. Such a blessing.

          I am working on my first round of revisions on my book, by the way. God has provided me with an agent and a publisher. An answer to many prayers! Should be out this coming winter. I would love to share a quote from you, from a comment a year or two ago. But I would like to have your permission. I can share which quote it is if you are interested.

          Thank you!

  9. My wife has been upset with me for years. She often reminds me of my inability to be “loving” (her word) towards her and criticizes my judgment with the kids, reminds me that she is working and I am not and that is why she cannot be intimate more often.
    I just give up and leave, she goes to sleep and I go to bed later. It happened again an hour ago.
    When she is happy and content, she spends her energy on cooking or gardening. Makes me a “to-do list” then connects with people on Facebook. Burns up all her energy and sleeps or rests to regain her energy.

    1. Jeff,

      Thank you for sharing. You and your wife have been in a very frustrating, difficult situation for such a long time. My heart breaks for your pain.

      Lord,
      We join together to lift up Jeff and his wife to You in Your throne room in the highest heaven. You know the struggles, the obstacles and challenges that this family has been enduring for many years now. You know the pain in our brother’s heart. You know the pain in his wife’s heart. How we pray that You might do a mighty work in them both. Draw them closer to Yourself. Heal them each individually spiritually in their walk with You. Heal their marriage for Your glory. We pray for You to provide a job for Jeff that might be a way for him to provide well for his family. We pray for Your wisdom for him as he attempts to love and lead his family as they are under such severe attack by the enemy. Give him the strength, courage, love, power, and direction he needs to be faithful to You and to lead his family well. We pray for spiritual healing for Jeff’s precious children. We pray for their chains to be broken, that they might be able to live in the freedom and joy of Christ. We pray for Your greatest glory in Jeff’s life, in his marriage, in his wife’s life, and in their children’s lives. Please provide the resources Jeff and his wife need in order to move toward healing.

      In the Name and power of Christ!
      Amen.

    2. Hi Jeff,

      Without prying to much, has your wife expressed to you what she feels is being loving towards her/ From a man’s perspective, we don’t always know the right way to be loving, and if we did, we would probably do it. My experience has been that it is constantly changing. If you try to compensate in one area, then you are lacking in another.The assumption is that you should know what she needs. In my situation I’ve try to communicate with my wife that I don’t always know what she needs and to please tell me. To date, it has not worked for me, but maybe it will for you. Praying for you brother!

  10. Wow… I feel bad for the guys. I have been reading all the posts here from the men, and realize some things about myself. I wish I had known some of this at the time I was dating.

  11. First a genuine heart felt thanks to you Peaceful wife for restoring my faith in women. I followed this blog when single, kept the faith in Christ and have been rewarded with a gift from God; He sent me a peaceful wife straight from central casting and 7 more children for a total of 11. Thank heaven I did not boycott marriage. It was this blog that helped me to hold on to the hope for His plan for marriage in a fallen and depraved world. I hope to contribute when asked.

    1.) What is it about a genuinely peaceful, content, joyful, grateful, happy wife that is attractive to you specifically or to men in general?

    Having been married to the antithesis of a content and happy wife, I would say that the single most attractive thing to me is her smile. With 11 kids and my OCD about order, a neat and clean home etc. I can sometimes get a bit too caught up in things and start to get angry. It is during these times that her smile, her touch, her understanding and calm demeanor melt my heart like butter. Suddenly barf on the walls, lost items and mismatched socks just don’t matter. She smiles at me, holds my face in her hands and asks me what she should do to fix it. I stop and look around a bit and nothing else really matters to me, just her smile a wink and a kiss on the cheek from her and the chaos of life no longer holds value.

    2.) What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is content, smiling, relaxed, and joyful?

    The deepest love and desire to please her that I have ever had. INTENSE pride to call her mine, she is my reward for years of living with Jezebel. Just the other day the flu ran through our family, I woke up to her scrubbing barf off the kids bathroom wall, just out of bed, hair in a pony tail, barf stains on her PJ top, industrial cleaning compounds on a pair of black gloves from the garage smiling up at me while on her knees cleaning ~ man, what a sexy women! I still feel the tingles of romance!

    3.) What emotions do you feel toward your wife when she is unhappy, upset, negative, complaining, worried, freaking out, stressed, etc…?

    That I have failed her. Somehow I have let her down. Failed to lead her, provide for her or care about what is important to her. I blow off work, stop doing whatever it is and don’t stop until I have fixed what I can. I stuff her in the truck and head out of the house, somewhere, anywhere if she needs it. More often than not, she just asks for space and time. That is the hardest for me. To let her be sorrowful. (BTW , I have NEVER heard her complain. NEVER.)

    4.) How important is your wife’s happiness to you?

    I can’t find the words to tell you how important it is. If she is not happy, truly not happy I will move the world to fix what I can. She is so stoic that it is hard to gauge what she feels. I have to pry it out of her. I am a bit dense when it comes to this, the kids help me at times. More often than not I blow it and need to ask for her forgiveness.

    5.) How important is your wife’s contentment, peace and joy to you?

    I think I have already answered this above.

    To sum it all up I would say to any wife struggling to find peace and joy, remember that we are men. We are really not all that smart. Don’t think we know how you feel. There are times that even when momma thinks I know, I am clueless. She can try to tell the why and “because” of the problem and I still don’t get it. During these times I just say, “I don’t understand but I love you so much it hurts. What can I do?” ; here is the hard part, I DO IT. WHATEVER IT IS. I hope that in some small way this helps someone out there.

    dadof11

    1. dadof11,

      I am so excited to hear from you! That has to be the man formerly known as “boycottingstatemarriage”. 🙂

      Thank you for sharing. You have such a powerful way of explaining a masculine perspective. I appreciate your willingness to explain your thoughts on these issues and I praise God for what He has been doing in your heart. You are a blessing!

      I hope your family is all feeling much better now. Goodness! A stomach bug is no fun!

      1. Peaceful Wife,
        Your incite is uncanny; yes it I formerly known as boycottingstatemarriage. Your blog provided a glimpse of hope during the storm. Keep it up, you help us all more than you may ever know. (All are on the mend now, praise God it is over!).

  12. I’ve shared this before on your blog, but my experience is so relevant to this post. I asked my husband what was something I could do that would please him and he answered straight away, “Your smile is all I need.” I took this and ran with it. 🙂 I take every opportunity to smile and present a joyful demeanor now and my husband seems to thrive on it. Sometimes it’s just the little things that make such a big difference!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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