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Valentine’s Day Expectations

Might be wise to read this before the big day, my precious sisters! πŸ™‚

24 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day Expectations

  1. In your original Valentine’s Day you presented a detailed long list of worthy attitudes & deeds which Jesus calls for wives to present to their husbands on Feb 14 and on other days of the year. All good, except there is one important thing missing from the list: the enthusiastic and joyful and frequent sexual union in the marriage. But if the wife does indeed share herself with her husband on Valentine’s Day, and then thinks she is the all-loving wife while she refuses him most of the year, then something serious is missing in her commitment to him.

    1. Bill,
      Great point!!! Joyful and willing participation in sex is something that we are commanded by God to do all the time as husbands and wives. (Of course, if there is infidelity or abuse going on, or major illness or something – that may not be possible.) But unless providentially hindered, we are to enjoy our husbands sexually and we are to allow them to enjoy us.

      Thanks so much for sharing this!

      Ladies,

      I have a video about this on my YouTube channel “April Cassidy” about not withholding sex from our husbands in marriage.

      And, you can search “sex,” “intimacy, “initiate,” “feel like a piece of meat,” and “sexual rejection” for more on this topic on my home page here on the blog. πŸ™‚

      Also, I don’t condone marital rape – please see the post about that at the top of my home page.

      1. Many wives who read my blog have the opposite issue where the husband is the one refusing to have sex and the wife wants to have sex. In that case, ladies, let’s respond with grace. We can ask for what we want respectfully and kindly, without a lot of pressure and definitely without resentment or anger. If your husband cannot or will not have sex with you, making a huge deal out of it and getting extremely upset and in his face about it will only repel him even more. Praying for wisdom for those of you who are facing these painful and difficult situations – that you might treat your husband with respect, even if he is not giving you sexual intimacy as he should. We cannot force or coerce our husbands into sex anymore than we would want them to force or coerce us. I pray God might empower us to respond with grace and His wisdom.

        My heart goes out to those of you who are suffering in this way. You are not alone. This is a pretty common situation. I have more about it on the post, “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage.”

  2. Although I’ve been guilty of it in the past, it saddens me that women think Valentine’s Day should be all about what they want. Valentine’s Day and your anniversary should be about what both of you want! For us, because we worship on Saturday evenings, the big day this year will be spent at church. I hope my husband will cooperate with my plan to stay at home on Sunday and enjoy a nice meal, complete with desert. This is what I’ve done most years, although some he’s wanted to have frozen TV dinners and then go do something else. I have gone along with him when his idea for celebration disappointed me, although I can’t say without at least a frown in his direction. But I have learned this lack of cooperation, which even happened on our 10th anniversary (we celebrate 15 this year), doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It just means that what is important to me isn’t necessarily so much to him, and vice-versa.

    1. Ellen,

      I love this! Thank you for sharing how y’all handle Valentine’s Day. I think it is a wonderful idea. πŸ™‚ and I am so glad you are able to see that even if your husband likes to do things differently, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. πŸ™‚

  3. My husband hates all the “pretend” holidays, so a few years ago, as a gift to him I gave it up completely. It’s been so much more enjoyable for both of us since then. There us no more pressure, no more disappointment or bitterness. He has generally bought me some sort of present in February and gives it to me as an I love you gift. One he wants to give, but didn’t feel forced to give, and it means that much more to me. What was once an idol to me is now a very enjoyable day, even if we dont celebrate!

    1. Sarah,
      I love this! Isn’t it freeing to get rid of the pressure and just enjoy each other? Thank you very much for sharing how y’all decided to deal with this issue. Such a blessing. πŸ™‚

    1. Never done anything for the last 9 yrs of our relationship. Of course I’ve always wanted him to do something special I’m not holding my breath on it.

      1. NC,
        My sweet friend. I am praying for you. I know things are extremely hard right now. I hope you might plan something with friends or family or just treat yourself if possible. Or, something I like to do is to think of people I know who might be lonely that day and bake for them or take a treat to them.

        You could certainly ask for what you would like. But I pray you will find your contentment in Christ even when your husband fails you. Jesus will never leave you and never forsake you. He is the perfect Bridegroom and He can’t get enough of your love, your time, your heart, your attention, your devotion… He loves to be with you and to hear your heart. He can heal your broken heart, too, my sweet sister.

        Sending you a huge hug!

  4. My husband and I have been married for 17 1/2 years. In the early years of our marriage I had high expectations for valentines day and our anniversary. After he didn’t get me anything for our 1st married anniversary I was really hurt. Over the years though I’ve just quit caring about it. However I still felt like a card was the least he could do. With things I’ve learned from this site I told my husband a few months ago that he didn’t even have to get me cards anymore. He loves me everyday and is good to me in many ways. And really if he felt the pressure to get the card it wasn’t really genuine anyway.

    1. Tiffany,

      I’m so glad that you were able to take the pressure off of your husband. That is exciting! I pray that God might continue to strengthen your marriage and draw each of you to Himself and that your marriage might greatly glorify His Name.

      Thank you very much for sharing!

  5. I went by the store to pick up some flowers for my wife, which I will give her tomorrow. It’s not much, but I do it because I love her. As I was leaving a poor, young guy who was restocking sodas looked at me with fear in his eyes. “Hey, bro! Is today valentines day?”, he asked. I didn’t hear him so I asked him what he said and he repeated his question. I informed him that, no, it wasn’t valentines day, that was tomorrow and he was instantly relieved. This is why I don’t like valentines day. I enjoy doing things for my wife, but this holiday equates to romance at the barrel of a gun.

    Advertising and hype have turned a day of gift GIVING into gift EXPECTING from women everywhere. No man should be made to fear giving, or not giving, a gift to his wife. It seems to me like, rather than a day to celebrate how much you love one another, Valentines day is a day for women to compare what they got with one another. I have absolutely no concern about what my wife may or may not buy me, and I really don’t expect anything beyond a card because that is all she ever gets me. And even if she didn’t buy that I wouldn’t care, because all in all, Valentine’s day is not a WE holiday, its a HER holiday. 364 days a year a man shows his love by working, providing, treating and caring. 1 day a year he has to do something to re-prove his love? Sorry, but, no.

    Don’t take this to mean I am ‘anti-Valentines day’, I’m not, but I don’t think should be made out to be as important a day as it is made out to be.

    1. anonymousMe,

      That is why I don’t like Valentine’s Day, too. Gifts, romance, and love letters are a lot more meaningful when a man decides to give something on his own just because he truly loves his wife/girlfriend. The expectations are through the roof for Valentine’s Day in our culture, and this creates a lot of ungodly motives. It is easy for us ladies to not even realize how high our expectations are and how we judge our men and their love for us by what they do or don’t do on this one day. And, unfortunately, there can be a lot of resentment, bitterness, jealousy, angst, worry, fear, and anger all over the expectations on this one day. I have seen many couples experience severe issues and fights because of this. That makes me so sad!

      I told my husband a few years ago not to worry about Valentine’s Day – that I am totally content and happy just getting to be married to him. Interestingly, he still feels pressure just from the culture. But I am seriously fine without flowers, chocolates, or a card.

      I really appreciate you sharing a masculine perspective. I went to Wal-Mart early this afternoon and WOW! A LOT of men are definitely feeling pressured to buy things for their ladies.

      How I pray that we ladies might be gracious, selfless, thoughtful, godly, accepting, kind, and that we might respond with the power of God’s Spirit no matter what happens, and that we might be a safe place for our husbands to feel sheltered, rather than a scary place.

  6. I feel bad. The disrespect I experience is not as bad as some I hear on this site. However, her lack of concern for intimacy has me in a bit of a problem. It is 5PM and I have done nothing for valentines, nor do I want to. There are no consequences really. I’m always in the “dog house,” I’m so, so, so unloving, so why try?
    Any solutions here?

    1. Jeff,

      I know your wife has a medical issue that is causing her a lot of pain. I do wish she would get things checked out because in a lot of cases, people can be helped with such issues. I would suggest that the only person you can control is yourself – that was my biggest lesson at first on this journey. I felt that Greg was very unloving and unplugged. And, he probably was. But – I had a hand in contributing to the dynamics, too. As I focused on honoring and pleasing God, finding all of my purpose, joy, strength, peace, identity, acceptance, love, and power in Christ and as I focused on blessing my husband even if he never changed – God radically changed me. Eventually, God did change Greg and our marriage – over several years. And we are still changing and will continue to learn and grow. We have not “arrived” at perfection.

      Perhaps reading I Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:9-26, and Romans 12:9-21 may be inspiring? I know they are for me when I am feeling unloved and mistreated.

      I also wonder if there might be something that would be pleasurable for you both that y’all could figure out together even while she is hurting severely with regular intimacy?

      Has she been willing to try some Kegel exercises or relaxation techniques? Is she anxious or fearful about sex? What would make her feel more relaxed? Here is a post at http://www.webmd.com with a few suggestions.http://www.webmd.com/women/guide/vaginismus-causes-symptoms-treatments#3

      I know you are both hurting terribly. I do believe there is healing available for you both and for your marriage – in Christ. And also – I think there are some things that she can do and you can work with her to help alleviate anxiety if that is the issue for her. Would she be willing to go very, very slowly over the course of weeks or months to build up to sex again. What would make her feel like she can trust and feel safe?

      Here is a site with more step by step instructions that may be helpful medically and emotionally for her to be willing to work back toward intimacy. https://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment

      She is feeling unloved and feeling afraid, possibly. She may be incorrect. You may love her very much. But if she cannot receive your love – she believes she is unloved, and the anxiety and fear may take over. You can learn what shows love to her and focus on making yourself a safe place for her to relax, trust, and enjoy. What does she say would most make her feel loved?

      Praying for wisdom for you both!

  7. My hubby and i have worked out a system For Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries and all other holidays and occasions. If i care about it, i tell him exactly whet i want. I love working hard every day fulfilling his every need (obviously within reason) and he loves showering my with gifts and adoration (Again, within reason). Hes not stressed and confused, i get something i want, everyones happy. It took me a while to not put so much importance on being surprised, it see s silly to me now, it stressed him out and i was mostly dissapointed.

  8. Years ago I found a valentines card he’d bought me and waited on valentines day for him to present it to me. It didn’t happen. The card waited on his desk all year and I mentioned he might want to write in it this year. He said he would, but didn’t. To me it seemed like total laziness, but I never let myself get upset. Eventually(after years) he said he didn’t know what to write so I threw it away. I guess every husband has their own ways of telling us they love us on their own days. Writing in cards doesn’t seem to be his way. Spending days on his holidays dog proofing our yard for my dog that he is allowing me to have( even though he’s not a dog person) shows me he loves me😊

  9. I agree and disagree. I know that getting or not getting a gift or saying I love you on V-day does not reflect actual marital status. However, what’s wrong with recognizing a calendar day of love? We recognize Christmas, of course Jesus wasn’t born on Dec. 25, and yet we celebrate on that day to express our appreciation of our saviour’s birth. Of course, my worship is a way of life, and I reverence Jesus everyday, just as my love for my husband and vice verse is not only shown on Feb. 14. and on our anniversary. My husband didn’t give me a gift on V day and yes I felt a certain way because I missed it, but we did go out for a very nice dinner. It’s not written stone that we must celebrate it, but I do want him to recognize, just as he recognize super bowl Sunday, or whatever sports men are into. I feel like men feel, that they shouldn’t have to work at romance in marriages, because 9 out of 10 men won’t. Does that make it right to feel that you shouldn’t have a since of urgency to buy a gift or say I love you?

    1. Liz,

      There is nothing wrong with celebrating Valentine’s Day. Did you share what you would like? It sounds to me like your husband probably thinks he DID celebrate Valentine’s Day with you because he took you out to a nice dinner.

      If we don’t share what we want, our husbands may not read our minds. It is probably not fair of us to have expectations that we don’t voice and then for us to be upset when they don’t do what we wanted them to do. If we do share what we would like, and our husbands don’t do it – we can choose to look at all the ways our husbands DO show love for us and we can choose not to let it ruin the day or week and we can choose not to be filled with resentment or bitterness.

      My greatest concern is that we hold our expectations about this and many other things loosely instead of attaching our emotional wellbeing to what someone else does or does not do for us. Does that make sense? It’s fine to want to celebrate, but if things don’t go as we would have preferred, we can still be content in Christ.

      A lot of men truly hate feeling coerced into showing love/romance/affection on a day on the calendar. Many men would rather show love and romance their own way without feeling, as some have said, like they are being “forced at gunpoint.”

      What are some of the ways your husband shows you love on a daily/weekly basis? Lots of men show love in ways that don’t match the recommendations of the retail world for Valentine’s Day. Maybe he takes care of the yard, the cars, gets you things when you are sick, or helps with the children. Maybe he works hard to provide well for the family. These are the kinds of things many men do to show their love and would love to be greatly appreciated for.

      I’m so sorry that you felt disappointed about not getting what you desired on Valentine’s day. How is your walk with Christ going this week? How are your feelings today? Are you still having trouble getting over what happened?

      Much love to you!

  10. Hello,

    Yes you are right. Our husband definitely shouldn’t feel like they are held at gun point to express their love, moreover, we as people should not depend on our spouses to make us happy especially if we’re not content or emotionally connected to Christ. Yes, I sure did respectfully tell my husband that I was a little disappointed, because in all of our 13 yrs of marriage and the 2 before we were married we celebrated V day. And I don’t want to stop because it was something that I enjoyed. I have heard men say, why should I do this or that, I married you, that should tell you something. Men feel like because they work and come home every night (some of them) that they are doing their wife a favor when that’s God’s plan for marriage. Granted that it is awesome that men provide for the home and is committed to their marriage. But, what about the enjoyment in this life with your spouse, such as dinner dates, vacation, the bible says in Ecclesiastes to enjoy your wife in thy youth, that’s the one thing in this life he granted us and to me that’s saying be innovative (lol). Also, in Proverbs the scripture says. Again, what’s wrong with putting a little wood on the fire to make our husbands have a sense of urgency about V days and our anniversaries. Some women might be afraid to say something, because their husband might feel aggravated, or shut down. I’m not like that, I do say what’s on my mind, not to be rebellious, but to let him know how I feel. By the way, my husband is a great man, he always consider my feelings. We are at a point where we are able to compromise very well. Sorry for the novel!!!

  11. Actually, God granted us a lot in this life, if it’s in his will and if we have faith and believe that it shall come to past. And being committed is one of God’s plan for marriage. After I read my post, I sound very selfish saying this is something that I enjoy lol. I will talk to my husband and ask him his feelings about it.

  12. After reading my post there are some things I said that doesn’t line up. Being committed and working is not God’s only plan for marriage. Also, I sound very selfish, I assume we both enjoyed celebrating V-day. Our anniversary is a week after V day, and we did discuss that we will celebrate our anniversary instead. That date means far much more to me. And my husband, does help with the kids… he gets extra early every morning to take them to school. He helps with cooking, house chores, plus he takes care of the yard. I commend him all the time for that!! I thank God often for the husband he gave me!!! I was just saying lol.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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