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“Why Does God Not Answer Our Prayers?” – by Nikka

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This guest post is by my dear sister in Christ, Nikka, from the Philippines. You can read her post in its entirety at www.peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com

 

I think the problem lies not in the asking per se, but in what we are asking for, and in our attitudes and hearts, while asking for them.
The problem is we treat God as a Divine Slot Machine that dispenses coins in the form of “answered prayers”. We ask Him for something and we expect an answer pronto! When He does not give us what we want, when we want it, and how we want it, we conclude “praying” is a waste of our time. The “Machine” does not “work”! He just wouldn’t listen!

I used to throw a spiritual fit, back in the day when I did not really know Who God was and who I was in relation to Him.

Here is an excerpt from my diary dated March, 2003:

“I am not happy. I think I am actually depressed in the truest sense of the word. Will I ever snap out of it or will I forcefully do the snapping out? These months have held nothing but trials. I even feel alienated from going to mass nowadays. Stopped the daily masses or even the novenas. I still pray, yes, but it seems to me that God’s Will will prevail come what may and no amount of praying can change that. I also stopped going to mass because maybe, just maybe,
I am “bribing” God to do things I want Him to do by being overtly religious. I am trying not to overdo it but still have faith in Him. I know I can’t count on anyone but God and His Mercy nowadays.When one’s life is this messed up, only God Who created life can fix it…

I am so scared of rejection that I cannot pray to God for my particular intention lest He not listen to me and I just crumble even more. In my heart, God knows what I want and I don’t want to force Him to give it to me, so I don’t pray altogether. I’m scared that God will reject me.”

See how totally off and devoid of wisdom my idea of God was at that time?

  • I “prayed” a lot because I wanted to “bribe” God into giving me what I wanted.

and then….

  • I stopped “praying” because I knew God would not give me what I wanted anyway!

In even simpler terms, I “prayed” because I wanted God to conform to MY will, and when He didn’t do what I wanted Him to do, I threw a spiritual fit by not “praying.” Yikes! πŸ™

That was not praying! That was bossing around the Big Boss. That was pure and plain as day, bullying! How dare the clay act so disrespectfully towards its Potter!!!

 

In my defense, I really didn’t know how to conduct myself towards God. I honestly thought, that was what one meant by “praying unceasingly.” I thought it was enough to just tell God what I wanted again and again and again, and He would get my drift. You know what I mean? Isn’t that what “praying without ceasing” meant? To be sooooooo persistent that even God would have no recourse but to give in to me?!

Matthew 7:8-11

8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 β€œWhich of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

* * *

When I was at my most controlling phase in our marriage, my “prayers” consisted of asking God to:

– change Dong’s ‘erroneous’ work attitudes
– change Dong to make him more motivated
– change Dong’s lack of direction and to show him his life path
– change Dong’s idea of providing and give him a good job
– change Dong’s bad habits
– let Dong realize how lucky he was that he was married to me!
– etc. etc.
I was greatly disappointed in God at that time because He was not “answering” my unceasing “prayers”!!!! Dong was not “changing”!!!

Little did I know (I was so prideful and spiritually blind then) that I was not really “praying” but just blabbing and yakking and pestering God all those times! All my “prayers” were just long sermons and complaints to God about Dong. Just because I could point out ALL his sins did not make ME a saint! God must have put on earphones when I would start “praying”. I could really be quite talkative. I could “pray” for hours!!!

**** Β (Nikka describes 5 reasons God did not answer her prayers earlier in the marriage in her full post) ****

In September 1, 2013, I decided that I would submit fully to God,
and then submit to my husband, Dong.

I repented to God and I asked for forgiveness too from Dong for my years of disrespect and prideful behavior.
We decided to take baby steps in fixing our marriage, including our God-ordained roles in the family. We are still taking it a day at a time now, but things are becoming easier as the days pass by. Our “new normal” is getting to feel normal.

Around the time I submitted to Dong, the Lord had provided for us materially, enough for me to not have to work. I was also at a period in my life when I felt that I was “done” with my broadcasting career and wanted to just focus on our home. I figured, the Lord had been so gracious and generous with me for more than a decade, and I have done everything I wanted to do as far as my career was concerned. It was time to stop pursuing my worldly ambitions, and time to start supporting my husband’s simple dreams. (Not to say that I will turn down all opportunities if and when they do arise. I will still consider them prayerfully, but with my godly priorities in mind.)
One of us had to stop. It had to be me.

The Lord could not move in our lives while I was busy chasing after my selfish pursuits.
I was too dominant and my husband was too passive.

In love, for it to be real, there must be sacrifice. The Lord had to suffer in order to save us.
He had to die in order to give us Life.

Contrary to what the world says,
one “cannot have it all.”

And after years of living for myself and for my dreams, the Lord instilled in my heart a desire so strong, I just had to follow it.
For the first time in my life…
I wanted to keep still.
Today, I can joyfully say, that the Lord has been blessing us in all aspects and areas of our lives! There is great joy and peace and love now, that was absent or lacking before, when I was still too busy pursuing my career, my desires to be esteemed and to make a name for myself, all the while, searching for hallow meaning.

  • When I gave up my life to God, I was given a new one.
  • When I died to myself, I found my most authentic self.
  • When I got to know Him through His Word, I realized who I was in relation to Him: That I was NOTHING and yet He loves me.

I did not need to add onto myself any title or accolade.
I mattered simply because I was His child.
Jesus is ALL that mattered.
With Christ, I have EVERYTHING.

Jesus Christ died for ME.
And He died for you too.

Are you ready to hand over the reins and let Him rule in your life?

I did.

  • I am now free from all my bondages! πŸ™‚
  • I am now enjoying a godly marriage with my loving husband! πŸ™‚
  • I am finding purpose in my roles as wife and mother, sister, friend, daughter and neighbor…! πŸ™‚
  • I have Christ’s peace, joy, love, strength, and hope… daily! πŸ™‚

I still have problems. Dong and I still have problems. Who doesn’t? But they are “exciting” to have because we know that God will manifest Himself in them. He will glorify Himself through them.
Because you see, we serve a BIG GOD.
No matter how big the problem is, our GOD is BIGGER.
God never guaranteed a problem-free life, but with Him in control, every “yoke is easy and every burden, light.” (Matthew 11:30)

I cannot thank God enough for calling me by name, for opening up my spiritual eyes, for freeing me from all my bondages, and for giving me a new life.

 

RELATED:

Praying for Your Husband So That God Will Hear

61 thoughts on ““Why Does God Not Answer Our Prayers?” – by Nikka

    1. Thanks senterwife! That little girl is Isabelle Veronica, my namesake. πŸ™‚ She is our fourth child.

      Glad the post blessed you! You may want to read the full post in my blog. It has sample “prayers” there which were not answered by God because of my sinfulness.

    1. flyaway16,

      Exactly! If God answered me those times, while I was in a state of sin and selfishness, He would have given me negative reinforcement, and I would have continued to sin and continued to be selfish and continued to bully Him!

      Praise God He never answered me during those dark times. I was forced to look inside my heart for answers, and found my heart filthy and full of pride! πŸ™

    2. Flyaway,
      I think you are right! He wants to make us more like Christ. And if He gave us the things we wanted for selfish reasons, that would not be the result. For sure. πŸ™‚

        1. Flyaway,
          Yes! It is an illusion. We can’t control other people or many circumstances in life. We only control ourselves. The more we try to control others, the more we repel them. We can’t change them. We can influence people, but everyone has God-given free will. It is not our place to try to force other people to do what we want. And others should not force us either. Check out my post “boundaries and control.” πŸ™‚

  1. Thank you Nikki for always being willing to share your heart and your struggles. I see so much of me in your story. Right now my stress level is so high. I am trying so hard to do the right things and have the right thoughts but it seems like I pass 2 or 3 tests and fail one miserably. I know that appears to be progress but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like starting all over. I am encouraged by your story that there may be a brighter day soon.

    1. Hi daisymae!

      Read the post in its entirety here.

      http://peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com/2014/04/why-does-god-not-answer-my-prayers.html

      In it, I wrote the TOP 5 REASONS WHY GOD DID NOT ANSWER MY PRAYERS as well as sample “prayers” (more like sample bullying and complaining) I did to God in my most controlling years.

      Why are you stressed? πŸ™ Are things not okay in the homefront?

      I think of the failures this way…

      We are already fallen. We have always been fallen. It is our nature to be fallen. Ever since our First Parents sinned, we already fell…

      We cannot be more fallen than fallen.

      With Christ though, we do not have to REMAIN fallen. πŸ™‚

      Every time we make some little successes against sin and against our flesh, we should already rejoice. Those were possible because of God! By ourselves, the only thing we are capable of is to sin and to fail and to fall again and again and again.

      Let us give due credit where Credit is due, and that is to Him.

      Whenever you fall again, instead of being disheartened, take heart and thank God that you are making little progress in your walk with Christ. πŸ™‚ With Him at the helm, there is no way to go but to win this good fight of faith!

      Don’t lose hope, sister! We are all in this together!!!

      Love,

      Nikka

      1. Thanks Nikki for the link! I am/was all of those things.

        Why am I stressed? Well I could say because my husband works 12+ hours a day 6 days a week and I only see him 30 mins a day and on his day off he just sleeps and he is grouchy all the time or because I have a much needed surgery scheduled for May 6 and still haven’t heard if my insurance will cover the surgeon, But, that wouldn’t be true…I am stressed because I want to control these things and I can’t.

        I am thankful to say that the last few days and with the help of your story, I figured out many things and I feel better.

        Lying in bed the other night, I wondered what I was not getting. Then it hit me. April, talks all the time about making your husband an idol and depending on God to meet your needs but It just didn’t sink in.

        One thing I was doing was trying to be the perfect wife. Trying to do all I could to be happy and smiling and helpful when my husband was awake. Then he would just be grouchy and mean and I would get upset. I would make his favorite pie and he would grump at me. I would fuss at him for his behavior and take another step back.

        Another thing I was doing was reading and praying and trying everything I could to fix me so I wouldn’t be emotional and I wouldn’t be upset by his moods and I wouldn’t be upset because he would not ask for less work hours. I was upset because he didn’t seem to need me at all anymore for anything.

        So what hit me was I am trying to get closer to God. I am trying to be a good wife. BUT, I am not learning to control me! Being a person that likes to control, I need to learn to control my responses. I need to make my own life right now during this season. I had been reading Joyce Meyers book on controlling emotions and she laid it all out and I finally got it. There is so much power in controlling ones emotions. Not controlling them zaps all strength. ( I am a poster child for that!) I can’t get closer to God or be respectful if I can’t even control me.

        Since I like to control this was like offering candy to me. I get to control something!! I stopped immediately trying to be the perfect wife. That only brought me hurt when it wasn’t appreciated. I will ask him if he needs me to do anything but I won’t fall all over myself trying to please him.

        I also decided to stop talking about my problems or even thinking about them. I mentioned them here as only a point. When I think about them or talk about them it only adds to my stress. Something else I can control!!

        When my husband was grumpy with me, I just answered nicely and went outside to my flowers. Instead of feeling hurt and offended, I thought well that is his sin, I will go do something nice for myself and enjoy God’s beauty. Another thing I can control!!

        I really like to control, can you tell? I just needed to find a way to do it the right way.

        The weird thing is I was having a hard time focusing on God through all this. Maybe like Nikki I was just thinking that God didn’t want to do things like I thought he should so why bother. Why wouldn’t God want my husband to work less and spend more time with the family? Why wouldn’t God want me to have my surgery?

        Because God knew I needed to depend on Him not my husband for my companionship, safety and love. If I depend on my husband for those things, I will always be disappointed when I don’t get it. Yes, I know you say this all the time, April but I just didn’t seem to get order of things. πŸ™‚

        I need to control my overwhelming emotions before anything else can fall into place. When I do that I will once again feel in control of my life.

        So for me the order needed to be…

        1. Control my hurt, anger, responses and thoughts.

        2. Draw closer to God to meet my needs.

        3. Respect my husband.

        INSTEAD OF….

        1.Try to be the perfect wife and respect my husband.

        2.Try to be closer to God.

        3.Hope God can fix my emotional messed head and actions.

        Seems like God should be first, right?…but He plainly showed me that He can’t be first until I get some of the junk out and make room for him.

        Sorry for my rambling. Maybe someone else will be able to pick out something that they can relate to.

        1. DaisyMae,

          This is not rambling! This is a post!

          Would you please allow me the honor of posting it? πŸ™‚ LOVE THIS! WOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

          I like it when the lightbulbs go on like this! You made my day!

          1. DaisyMae,
            You remind me so much of myself! SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL!!!!!!! I’m ON it! I was SO excited to find out there were things I could control – they were about my life. But I didn’t care. I was just ecstatic to have something I could control myself. πŸ™‚

          2. Of course April. I would be happy to know that maybe my rough road taken could encourage someone else.

          3. YAY! Thank you so much, I definitely think this will bless many other wives. πŸ™‚ Thank you for your generosity in sharing these treasures God is giving to you. πŸ™‚

        2. Wonderful sharing, DaisyMae! That’s a POST right there! πŸ™‚ Thanks for sharing your heart with us, even if you have already decided to NOT tell of your story.

          How refreshing your insight was on CONTROL.

          Come to think of it, CONTROL should be amoral.

          It is not bad or good in and by itself. It only becomes bad when one uses it for things or people that are clearly NOT one’s responsibility or business, like “changing” one’s husband because that is not for one to control, only God can change hearts.

          BUT,

          and this is the exciting part that I learned from your sharing..

          We are encouraged to CONTROL things too by no less than our good God!

          Control our tongue.
          Control our temper.
          Control our emotions.
          Control our passions.
          Control our desires.
          Control our thoughts.
          Control our actions.

          Yay! We can still ‘CONTROL’ but in a good way, in a godly way!

          Thanks for pointing that out, Daisymae. πŸ™‚

          Love,

          Nikka

        3. The craziest thing just happened!! My husband just walk in and said he quit his job. He has never ever in his life quit a job or anything else for that matter. He is the hardest working man I know. And he is as happy as he can be. I know this sounds bad but I really don’t think it is. He will now have time to complete his legal things from his injury and take a career job. He couldn’t do that until after March 21st which is why he took this job temporarily. The old me would have freaked out big time! And even if I agreed, I would have asked him a million questions until he was mad. But I just told him that I supported his decision. I am trusting that God has another plan.

          1. Whoa, yes that does seem crazy. Jaw-dropping crazy.

            Remembering why we are in this journey should make the shock wear off: GOD IS IN CONTROL. He will lead you through your husband, no matter that he just suddenly dropped the bomb on you (and seems quite happy with his decision!), and you are a bit taken aback. πŸ™‚ I am excited for you on how God will make this all work together for you and your family. Submitting to God, means submitting to our earthly leaders. Do share with us what happens next. I am looking forward to the Lord manifesting Himself and glorifying Himself in what is about to unfold! πŸ™‚

          2. Yes me either! Here is the part that I didn’t say about the job. Maybe I just didn’t want to admit it… But I am the one who picked out this job. He told me not to look for jobs for him and to let him handle it but I didn’t stop and then I found this one and badgered him to call about. He didn’t want to at first but finally he did probably to shut me up and he was hired immediately. ….sigh…. We see how good that worked out when I took control….

          3. Hi Daisymae,

            Sounded just like me! I used to check the ads online or in the papers before and ask him to apply for jobs I thought he was perfect for. I would encourage to the max, short of going to the job interview myself. There were instances when he would get the job, only to quit later on because his heart was not into it, and there were awfully embarrassing ones wherein the job interview would be so bad because he went there without the experience necessary to qualify for the job, but was there anyway because I pushed him to go! πŸ™

            But, in your case, your husband seems happy? So, I think, he decided on it himself? Or did you push him into deciding? πŸ™ Controlling others, especially our husbands, is a tricky thing. I have tons of experience to prove that.

            Praying things happen in the best way for you and your family. God moves in mysterious ways…

    2. Daisymae,
      We do sometimes stumble a lot in the beginning. I sure did. There is so much to learn all at the same time it can be overwhelming.

      Praying for you to be able to get away with God by yourself and just soak in His love and His presence and His Spirit so you can have your soul restored.

      Praying for you and sending you a huge hug!

  2. I love all this honesty! Thank you Nikki for sharing so much with us. I love your perspective on being the career woman and then ‘just you’ in your high calling as wife, mother and fellow sister in Christ. I went to an all-girl private high school where perhaps the education of my time promoted a lopsided view of ambition. We were so proud to be thought of as the ‘smart ones’ with a long tradition of academic excellence. We knew we were going to get into any college – with scholarships- and then go on to be ‘successful’. Riding off into the sunset with that perfect man we deserved was also a part of the picture. What pride! The fruit of such thinking certainly showed itself years later at a reunion where unfortunately many of my peers had both prosperous careers and broken homes. My own marriage was still intact but struggling. How successful were we?

    I applaud you Daisymae for your ambition to live out biblical principles in your life, especially in your marriage. The grit I see in the lives of these noble women inspires me to also keep getting up to fight the good fight. Going deep, accepting what we see in the mirror and the work God sets before us may never be easy but it’s real. I’d rather be the sincerely sinking St. Peter who walked on water and became well aware of his desperate need for Jesus than a rich businessman fooled by his small notion of success. This road is not for wimps! Thank God joy comes in the morning.

    1. Refined,
      I wonder if I might quote your insightful comment in a post to the ladies in my other blog http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com, please?

      How I wish I had understood these things before I even chose a major for college. I just read a few posts about the Duggar family and how they handle courtship and prepare their girls for marriage. I am so impressed.

      When I see the beautiful job Jim Bob and Michelle are doing of raising godly young men and women and impacting the world with the gospel and truth of God’s Word, I am in awe. It is definitely time for us to reevaluate what our definition of “success” is.

      Thanks so much for sharing!

      1. April!!!

        Would you believe, back when I was pregnant with Isabelle, the Duggar family, came into one of my Google searches. (I was weighing the pros of cons of ligation at that time. I did not push through with it. My conscience could not take it.) I was appalled at first by their sheer number and their weird behavior. (The Lord had not yet convicted me of my sins yet.) But deep inside, I admired and applauded their great faith in God.

        When I was regenerated by Christ, I looked them up again and instead of disgust, I now felt great awe towards their commitment to God and to their family. I don’t think I can give birth that many times though (17, is it?) but if it were the Lord’s Will, then so be it. (We are happy and content though with our four angels, so we could “stop” at that number! πŸ™‚

        How are you, dear sister? πŸ™‚

        Love,

        Nikka

        1. Nikka,

          I look up to the Duggar’s faith in God and their love for their family and the godly way they raise their children, too. What a blessing the Duggars are to the world – pointing back to God and His design and His goodness in the midst of a dark and godless culture. I wish I had understood things early in our marriage. Maybe we would have tried to have more children? I don’t know if my body would have survived or not. But I love the way God is using them to shine for Him. They need our prayers!

          I am doing a lot better. I am working extra this week in the pharmacy.

          Thanks for asking!
          Much love!

    2. Hi Refined! πŸ™‚

      I too grew up in an all girls Catholic school. As early as 7 I already knew what I wanted to be, and also knew that I had to excel in school, in order to excel in life later on. I was a consistent honor student, officer and won contests left and right. But I had child stress, back in the day when there was no term for it yet. I had borderline anorexia at age 11. I had insomnia at age 12. I was constantly battling with depression and was even suicidal. πŸ™

      This overachieving status continued way into my career… I had no godly models to follow. My own mother was an extremely successful TV producer and director and was always out too, pursuing her career, while my father was left to the care of the maid and me, since she was too busy. When Mama had cancer at age 43, was the only time she slowed down and kept still, but it was FORCED on her, of course. She had no choice. Her health failed her already. πŸ™ By then, she said that she wanted to make it up to my Papa and to be a good wife to him… but God had other plans. By then it was already too late to make it up to my father and too late for my father to make it up to her. (They were in a very stressful marriage full of animosity and strained silence.)

      For all her successes in career, Mama felt like a failure in her marriage. πŸ™

      The Lord took her when she was just 43.

      That is also one of the reasons why when I turned 38, I said to the Lord: “Lord, I am done with pursuing my selfish ambitions. I want to keep still. Help me to keep still.” I didn’t want to suffer the same fate of Mama, of being a candle burnt too brightly and too fast. πŸ™

      I pray that we do not experience regrets in this life. May we all live our lives for the Purpose that God has given each one of us.

      I am happy the post blessed you. πŸ™‚

      Love,

      NIkka

  3. April, please do pass along whatever words of wisdom you think may be of benefit to your single ladies. I have not followed the Duggars. I will put that on my to-do list. I went on a visit to Kenya years ago before I got married, and met a beautiful Kenyan couple who shared with me their courtship and early days of marriage. They were Navigator leaders (a Christian outreach found on many college campuses with focus on Bible study and discipleship) and shared how, even while in college, their parents would not permit them to be together unless a chaperone was with them. I had no idea people still did things like that! They were an amazing team and so out of the American romantic box. I now have a family of my own and have already introduced the concept of courtship with my own daughters of only 8 and 9. How wonderful for the Duggar children to have as their default honorable examples. My upside down default setting runs deep! I have to work so hard and focus on Christ to seriously keep moving forward.

    Nikka, what a lesson from your mother’s life! I have friends who are still pressing forward in their aim for success, erroneously thinking their last divorce was just because he wasn’t the right guy. We humans are stubborn creatures! For many of us it was the unanswered prayer that was our best hope for salvation – and God knew it. You can’t put a price on what God has done in your heart and women like me are indebted to the women like you for sharing such wisdom on this site and your home site.

    By the way, I am Catholic too and my husband and I also struggle with our family planning. We are so very fertile and so very uncomfortable when considering both the generosity and good stewardship of that gift. I am so happy for a place to come and encourage each other in sound Biblical principles no matter the denominational preference.

    1. Hi Refined!

      Correct me if I am wrong but I think it is the Catholic Church that is the ONLY church right now that is against contraception, ligation, and divorce. Being under the Catholic church, I had to really search within my heart if I were to tie my tubes up because of fear of having something like 10 kids or so, because it was clearly wrong if their decrees are to be followed. We too are very fertile despite being “careful”. I was willing to go against the Church at that time since the Bible was not exactly clear on the issues of family planning and contraception and all that, but I prayed soooo hard during those times, and my conscience could not take it, so when in doubt, don’t. I didn’t push through with the tying of tubes. It was a conscience call and a personal decision that I was at peace with. Others are at peace too with ligation, like in April’s case, whose health would be compromised if she had another baby, and I respect that. In the end, it is just a matter between you and God. πŸ™‚ Nobody can judge anybody’s decision.

      I have a post on that early in my blogging, if you are interested to read it on HOW MANY CHILDREN SHOULD WE HAVE.

      http://peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com/2013/12/how-many-children-should-we-have.html

      I, too, need all of you here, for me to make my walk with Christ more meaningful and “easier”. When the whole world tells you you’re “wrong”, you really would feel that you are doing something “stupid” or “impractical” or “crazy.”

      John 15:19 “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”

      But just have April as my Titus 2 elder, and all of you here as my sisters in Christ, makes this respect and submission journey so wonderful and fulfilling. πŸ™‚ We really need a community to support us when we are in doubt, or when we are not feeling strong. πŸ™‚

      Hooray for this Peacefulwife haven! πŸ™‚

      Nikka

  4. Nikka, I enjoy reading your posts. I hear your voice so clear in your writing. ☺

    Thank you so much for sharing so much of your experiences. I love how you are honest about how wrong you were, but you are so joyful about repenting. I am so truly happy for God’s amazing grace in your life and marriage. ☺

    1. Hi livelywriter!

      I am grateful my honest blessed you. πŸ™‚

      I really feel like cringing and I feel soooooo icky whenever write about my thoughts and behavior before I got convicted by God. But the Spirit leads me where it wants to lead me and despite being so humiliated at times to expose myself in such a manner, I follow Him, because the blog is really all about Him and aims for other wives to find themselves in sinful me.

      It would be so easy to just gloss over my faults, and being a former perfectionist, all this airing of dirty linen in public is nothing short of a social suicide! But, I would rather be humiliated and humbled even more and be thought of as imperfect and even repulsive, in order to help God spiritually open up the eyes of many.

      How is your own walk with Christ, sister?:) May God greatly bless you as well. πŸ™‚

      Love,

      Nikka

      1. Your spirit is so sweet. I am so inspired by your joyful humility. 😊

        I am being convicted and repenting at an ever-accelerating rate. I am not the same person I was when I got on here one month ago. I shudder to think where I would be in this upheaval of my life if I hadn’t learned my center needed to be Christ.

    1. Your spirit is so sweet. I am so inspired by your joyful humility. 😊

      I am being convicted and repenting at an ever-accelerating rate. I am not the same person I was when I got on here one month ago. I shudder to think where I would be in this upheaval of my life if I hadn’t learned my center needed to be Christ.

  5. Nikka, forgive me for jumping off topic in the comments, I want to give you all an update.

    Tonight we met with the pastor. We discussed God’s reason for marriage and unity with Him. It was reassuring to hear God’s design in our creation was perfectly planned.

    Sadly, my husband was downright frosty. I just prayed over and over for God to soften his heart and save him. When pastor asked why we were there, I said for clarity, and my husband said to be shown a reason why our marriage is worth saving. My heart dropped at that…this idea of our marriage ending is not new for him…I feel blind-sided. My husband was so non-chalant about having to answer for breaking our covenant with God. I know certainly now that he is not saved, or he would grasp the direness of the consequence. I know that means I cannot abandon him because I can be used to bring him to salvation.

    Pastor asked how my husband was doing being away and he said he felt relieved and relaxed. Pastor asked why that was and my husband said because there are no expectations. Pastor said that would be temporary and my husband said oh yes, there are always expectations…he had to be told, no, this sense of peace is temporary. I cannot believe this is the same man I married less than 3 years ago. It breaks my heart that he feels so threatened by a commitment made of his free will. πŸ˜ͺ

    I am literally suffering physical pain as a result of my intense emotional pain. For my health, I think I will need to see a doctor. I worry that my isolation in a strange state makes this situation 500000 times harder on me.πŸ˜ͺ

    I really am learning about Christ’s suffering to save us. If this was about protecting myself and my son, I would be out of here in a flash. This is suffering for 2 people because one refuses to take his fair share. Just think of the untold trillions+ of shares of suffering Jesus felt because we refused to take our fair share. It is sobering.

    Love to you all,

    Livelywriter

    1. …and to round out the awfulness, he said he is going to our hometown alone to visit his family. For all I know, the money I have will need to last for months, so I cannot afford it. Since we left for Germany 3 days after our wedding, he never added me to his account, so he has the money and I’ve got the burden.

      So unfair!

      1. Livelywriter,

        I am so sorry this is happening to you right now.

        It seems “ironic” that when you have already decided to follow Christ and submit to your husband, this happens. It must make you feel so alone and vulnerable to be away from family, without money, and with no friends to turn to who are near you.

        What could be the reason he is not making your money a joint account? What is his is yours, and what is yours is his, so not allowing you to dip into his earnings is very odd. πŸ™

        What I do know is that even in the direst situations where the husband is selfish and unloving, God can work His Wonders in the situation, as long as you put your full trust in Him. This is going to be a true test of your faith in God, in that, you really have nobody to turn to except Him.

        Please do not lose hope. Please do not lose faith. It is in times like these, when everything seems so bleak, that God is about to make a breakthrough and to turn things around. Please do not make the enemy win by countering his selfishness with your own pride.

        I will be praying for you and fasting for you tonight.

        Please hang in there, sister.

        Love,

        Nikka

        1. Oh Nikka! How blessed I am for your selfless gesture of love for us. I pray God blesses you for your loyalty to his teachings.

          I love you, sister, for being His willing servant. I pray for God to mold me also for His use.

          Thank you!

          1. Love you too! It seems to be a stormy time for you, sister. Hang in there. Be still and know that He is GOD!

            Will be continuously praying for you. I do agree with your Pastor that you should not be so physically alone most of the time. I hope you can have friends who are nearby to reach out too. The devil torments us when we are alone to our thoughts. So, if you can focus on God’s Word all the time, that would be most helpful. Take care always.

            Nikka

      2. I can’t even imagine the isolation and loneliness you must be feeling, livelywriter. Along with the shock, anger, and hurt at your husband’s words during counseling. I am so sorry.

        It is a VERY good thing that he was willing to attend a session with your pastor. Your attitude that you are able to be used to bring him to Christ is encouraging!

        Did your pastor give you or your husband any advice? How did the session end?

        1. He advised me to find something to keep me occupied while still being able to provide full parenting to my son. He said I am captive to my circumstance and being at home alone all day is damaging to me.

          He warned my husband not to take this trip alone. He said it would only intensify the problem. He advised him that every day he is away is a rift he is widening and will have to repair.

          My husband is spiritually sick. This is not a judgment, but an observation. At this moment he is willing to put his own needs before anyone else. That is a lonely existance. Please help me to pray for his heart to be opened, for him to receive God’s grace and strength and that he will be convicted to repent of the damage he is inflicting on our covenant. Pray for his ability to forgive me for pain I have caused.

          When we reached the parking lot, I went to him and gave him a hug and told him that I love him and I am praying for him. I asked him to consider going to breakfast with my dad, since I cannot also go home. He was very hesitant. I told him to remember that he was the one to ask my dad for his blessing to marry me. He needs to act on my behalf and provide even brief companionship to my elderly father out of a basic sense of duty, since he refuses to take us along.

          All night I had stomach pains that woke me up. I went to the school to ask about a reduced price lunch for my son in light of my very unstable financial situation. I also went to visit the elderly woman whose house we were going to buy to break the news that we are no longer planning to buy it (long, complicated story, but she befriended us and has become a true friend to me-God’s blessings arrive in unexpected ways).

          I feel like I’m in a snowglobe that’s all shook up. I cannot look further than each moment as it passes, God has blessed me with a measure of peace this way.

          I wish I could hug you all just to show how much I value your caring. I may be quite alone now, but He is connecting me with other believers to help me to stay this narrow path.

          1. Goodness, that sounds like such a painful situation to be in. I am so glad that God is giving you peace in the midst of this storm, by showing you that you can only take one moment at a time!

            Praise God for a wise pastor to encourage your husband in those ways. It is refreshing that he’s encouraging your husband to spend time with you, to repair damage rather than worsen it. I pray the Holy Spirit will speak to your husband, that God will open his eyes, ears, and heart.

            If I may interject one thing here…I would like to encourage you to not tell your husband that he needs to “act on your behalf” out of his duty to the marriage covenant, by having breakfast with your father. I’m not sure that it is helpful for him to hear demands, or things he “must” do. We have to pray that the Holy Spirit will convict him of his duties and of his sins.

            I pray that you will continue to abide in God’s peace and allow His Spirit to continue filling you. You are being refined in the fire right now! You will come out as shining gold!!!

  6. Nikka, I had a hard time leaving a comment on your blog (I read your entire post there), so I will here… I wanted you to know how much I absolutely LOVED this post. I struggle with prayer tremendously and resonated especially with this part: “I am so scared of rejection that I cannot pray to God for my particular intention lest He not listen to me and I just crumble even more. In my heart, God knows what I want and I don’t want to force Him to give it to me, so I don’t pray altogether. I’m scared that God will reject me.” I totally think that! And I so appreciated all the “before and after” sample prayers you shared. It is helping me evaluate how I pray, and my attitude and motives. Thank you so much!

    1. Hi Jane Doe! πŸ™‚

      I could imagine lots of women and even men pray that way towards God. I really had no idea what praying actually was except to talk AT God regarding all the things I wanted to happen or not happen. Even if Jesus Himself showed us what real, humble praying was, I still did not find it a “good enough” sample I guess, so I kept on badgering God for MY will to be done (without knowing it was what I was doing. I really thought I was just “unceasingly praying”).

      I am very glad it resonated with you! Knowing how to pray for God’s Will will change your life, Jane Doe. Praying is our lifeline to the Father, and our “telephone wire” or WiFi is Jesus. πŸ™‚ We cannot go straight to the Father without accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior. But in the end, after praying, like Jesus, we too should always say, “Thy Will be Done.” Amen.

      God bless you, sister!
      Love,

      NIkka

  7. Wow! so many posts! As a husband, my own trials continue in a home where my wife went back to work after I was fired and I then began grad school at 50. I allowed this scenario because I could not get a job after 2 years of trying. Now I’m kicked out of grad school for one poor grade. I am attempting to get any job now.

    In the beginning after being fired, I too prayed earnestly while my wife told me I was doing the job search all wrong. Prayed some more, got more hardship, prayed more and our Downs child (11 at the time) went into the hospital with a major stomach infection, prayed more and our home went into foreclosure, prayed some more and our older son was on drugs and living on the street, prayed some more and my wife got ill, prayed some more and my autistic son has gay issues…must I go on?

    I still attend church, my relationship with my wife is poor, our van recently cost us $3000+ to fix and now the engine is permanently broken and the mortgage is going to be late. I have not spoken about the other problems with the other 5 kids or my own problems. God is there. I am not happy with Him, but assume I need His wisdom because I am flawed in sin. I have no great answer to “unanswered prayer” just that my next “action” should, at the very least, not violate scripture. (I am a graduate of a Christian College). “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)

    Some of us Christians live charmed lives, I have lost 3 careers! Some Christians develop disease, I have not. Some have gifted children, I have 5 special needs kids, (2 are natural children, 3 of them are adopted) I cherish the ones (3 out of 8) who are able to move on to regular jobs. trials are sort of the norm here. I know what can relieve my stress, yet I rarely get it and for now I thank God for gym time, running and my cappuccino machine. Sometimes we have to settle with the fact that God has ordained some of us to a harder life, but I can still think of Christians who have lost everyone, or health or abuse or betrayal or addiction, etc. As a Christian who rarely gets answers to prayer, I say, keep talking to God, tell Him exactly how you feel, make Him your “diary person.” God wants to hear from you.

    take heart, I only scratched the surface on all my trials.

    I hope this helps.

    1. Jeff,

      Greg and I were talking at length the other night about your predicament and how very many similar stories we have heard from husbands. Where is the support in the church for men in times like this? Where are the resources for husbands about godly leadership? What can we do as the body of Christ to bless our brothers who are so very discouraged, weary, burdened and heavy-laden?

      I cannot begin to address any of the “whys” about your situation. I don’t have God’s wisdom and perspective. But how my heart breaks for the pain you (and I am sure your wife, as well) are experiencing.

      I am sure that the enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy in your life. I have no doubt of that.

      My prayer for you is that you might experience the supernatural rest and peace of God even in these great trials. I pray that you might be able to hash through any resentment or bitterness and cling to Christ, abiding in Him – that His power might flood your life and restore your soul in this scorching desert you find yourself in.

      I lay my spiritual hands on you and my other brothers and sisters here who are suffering and struggling and drowning in afflictions and who feel that the heavens are made of brass. I pray for God’s wisdom for each of you. I pray for His direction and for the light to see the next step. I pray for His provision. I pray for His protection for you, your wife and family from evil and temptation. I pray for healing for your child who is on drugs, and for your wife’s illness. I pray for your autistic son for him to find the joy, peace, hope, truth and healing of Christ. I pray for physical and spiritual healing for you and your wife and all of your children. I pray for financial provision for you in the way that will most bless your family and bring great glory to God.

      There are hundreds of thousands of men, husbands, feeling completely defeated and discouraged.

      I believe that God has great things in store for you, my brother. I believe that God desires to use you in the future to minister to other men who are experiencing great trials in their careers, families and marriages.

      My prayer is that you will not find your identity in a job – but that you will find all of your identity in Christ alone and all of your contentment in Him – even as the flaming arrows are flying at you and your family. My prayer is that you will live in the supernatural power of Christ, standing in the gap for your family and that God might change these ashes for beauty and bring joy from the sorrow you have been walking in.

      I pray for an awakening in your wife’s heart to begin to understand your masculine needs and perspective and heart and to be open to trusting God to lead her through you – even though that is a very terrifying thing for most wives at first – to stop trying to control and to begin to trust God. I pray for wisdom for you to be the husband and father God calls you to be. I pray for God’s provision for each need. I pray for the support, encouragement, affirmation and healing you need to continue on in this great battle – the battle has been won!!!!! We fight this battle from a position of victory, my precious brother!

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you. I believe He desires to use you to greatly bless, lead, protect, teach and guide your family, yes. But – I believe He may have ministry to other men in crisis in your future, as well.

      How can the church bless our brothers who are suffering and struggling right now?

      How can wives bless our husbands who are suffering and struggling right now?

      Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. I pray you will find great healing here in Christ.

      Finding rest in Christ – by David Platt
      <a href="[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUV-gxg4Ax4?rel=0&w=420&h=315%5D“>[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUV-gxg4Ax4?rel=0&w=420&h=315%5D

  8. With all due respect come off your pity Pott. Some of us are praying to even HAVE a partner period. Here you are complaining about your prayer not being answered for your husband to “realize how lucky he is to be with you”. Do you know what it’s like to be rejected by anyone you’ve ever loved. Be in your mid theories handsome successful in incredible shape and still completely ALONE and you watch everyone happy around you with someone to love them. And day after day after day for years praying that just one human being will love me and continually God makes it look like my prayers are answered only to crush me even deeper by false hope or more rejection. You people make me sick with all your blessings and families still acting like you have nothing. Try going your whole life and never feeling love from another human being EVER including your family. And day after day after day you show faith in the lord. You try to spread his light. You pray and pray and pray and he keeps torturing you with false hope and more rejection and disappointment. I believe God exists and I believe in Jesus Christ and I put my faith in him and pray through him and God for years and years and years every single day tortures me. Day after day after day. I prayed desperately that I cannot take anymore. I pray that if he’s not going to answer my prayer to just take my life bc I cant go on ONE MOTE DAYS feeling this alone and rejected and abandoned. The funny thing is I’m a good looking guy, nice, respectful, started my own business, in great shape, athletic 6,2″ and God keeps steering any companionship out of my way. I’m done. Im done.

    1. Scott,

      I don’t believe Nikka is answering comments at this time. She shut down her blog a few months ago. So I hope that you don’t mind if I respond instead.

      How I wish I could hug your neck, my precious brother!

      I am so very sorry for your great pain and loneliness. πŸ™ And I hate that you felt unloved by your family and by others. I can hear such depths of sorrow in your words.

      Would you like to talk about things a bit more?

      Are you safe? Are you considering harming yourself? Please, please reach out for help if you are not safe!!

      Would it be ok if I introduce you to some guys who might understand a bit about what you are going through?

      Would you be interested in talking about how your walk with Christ going?

      People in any circumstances in life can feel incredible pain and loneliness. I am thankful you shared your heart.

      In Him,
      April

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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