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He looks identical to Christ – by Kayla.


This is a total MUST read, in my book. God has done something very powerful in Kayla’s heart this past week. I’m so excited she is sharing it with us. Please remember, she has been on this journey now for 19 months. Every wife’s journey is unique. Every wife sees things and learns things at her own pace and in her own time. God makes each wife’s life beautiful in a special way that is not like any other wife’s experience. Each husband is unique. No two husbands react the exact same way. Please guard against jealousy here – and focus primarily on what God has opened Kayla’s eyes to and pray about what He may want to open your eyes to, as well.

THIS is the kind of mourning over our sin and total brokenness that is the only appropriate response of a wretched sinner to the grace, mercy and love of Christ.  This is where all of us must start with God – on our faces, in fear and trembling, understanding the depths and filth of our sinfulness, in complete humility. This is what it means to be “poor in spirit” – the first beatitude that Christ calls “blessed.”


I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for Kayla and her husband! And I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you and your walk with Christ and your life!

(Just a reminder, you can also follow my Peacefulwife Blog Facebook page as well for more discussions!)

31 thoughts on “He looks identical to Christ – by Kayla.

  1. Kelly,

    Wow. So sweet. You have such a loving, godly man right there. Praise God for his Christlikeness and godly leadership in your life! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing!

  2. Ladies,

    There will be strong temptation here to compare our husbands to Kayla’s husband. Let’s not do that!!! The key here is that KAYLA “gets it.”

    Your husband may struggle with forgiving you. That is ok. He is human, too. Your husband may not respond the way Kayla’s did or Greg did.

    But I know this – God is able to make something beautiful of our lives when we approach him in total brokenness, humility, trust and faith.

    I don’t want any of us to wallow in guilt. But how I long for all of us to see the picture that Kayla is describing here between us and Jesus. This is the love Jesus offers to each of us! Totally undeserved. Scandalous mercy and grace. Unimaginable love.

    And THIS is the proper response of a wretched sinner when she sees her guilt before God and before her husband.


    Things are about to get REALLY, REALLY good!

    Greg and I are both so impressed with Kayla’s husband’s response. Wow. Amazing example of the love of Christ from a husband to his wife. Greg said, “Mr. Gulick, you’re THE MAN!” His response was so obviously GOD.

    I praise and thank God for what He is doing in Kayla’s life and marriage.

    And – I cannot wait to hear all that God has in store for YOUR marriage and your walk with Christ!

    1. Kayla,

      So true. Greg forgave me quickly, too. But – he was not at all sure that this was going to be real change. It took 2+ years for me to have ANY clue what it meant to live out respect and to stop disrespect and to begin to biblically submit. And it took 3.5 years before Greg felt completely safe with me again.

      I just love watching God work in your life and in Josh’s life and your marriage! It never gets old.

      Love you my sister!

  3. You know this resonates with me as well. Because now when I look back on our many years of marriage trying to analyze every little thing to see how we got to this point, I see his love for me. I see how my husband loved me unconditionally through many years of me sinning against him. I see that he tried to express his needs to me and that I couldn’t hear them. All I could hear was, ‘you’re a failure’, ‘you won’t ever get it right’. That saddens me so much, I was blinded by my own baggage that I’ve carried with me through life! So blinded that I couldn’t hear how I was hurting him. He wasn’t telling me I was a failure, I was. But you know what he did when I continued in my sin time after time, he loved me. He brought his hurts to God and asked Him to help him bear them. How do I know this? I was so desperate for answers that I read from his journal a few years ago and that is what I found, unconditional love for me. He was Christ to me and I didn’t even see it. It is devastating to me to see how much I’ve missed in my life. A couple of years ago he reconnected with someone from his past on fb and slowly but surely he drew close to her and away from me. I know he didn’t intend for it to happen, he has always been a man of integrity. But oh how I’d hurt him… His journal said that he felt unloved, uncared for and that he felt that I didn’t even care about his needs. Ugggh!!! At that time he gave his concerns to God, but a few years later he had stopped doing that because he finally had someone who was meeting his emotional needs – her. The other day I woke up to him texting her, ‘I love you!!!’ He had already told me that he had always loved this woman and that he always would but to see him saying it to her cut so deep! I can’t express my sorrow enough over this. I know it was wrong to read his journal but I’m glad that I did, I needed to know. So I guess all this to say, Ladies don’t wait like I did, till my husband had already removed himself emotionally from our home, to allow God to work in your heart and mind, to learn true respect and love for your husbands. Maybe when you’re finally honest with yourself, you’ll see that your sin is huge compared to his and that he has been loving you this whole time!

    1. Melanie,
      GOODNESS! How this breaks my heart. Wow.

      I wonder if you might allow me to anonymously share this on my FB page – wives need to hear this warning! How I pray God will open our eyes! I don’t want us to continue not being able to see our husbands properly and not seeing our own sin. How I pray that we might all repent and live for Christ and become the women He commands us to be. We have gone so far from God’s design and wisdom in our culture, even in the church. How I pray God will send a Great Awakening to His people – particularly His women. We have embraced so many lies. We don’t even know what we have lost and what we are doing to our husbands.

      Thank you for this warning. Thank you for this exhortation.

      I pray for God’s healing for your marriage and I praise Him for what He is doing in your heart and your walk with Christ.

      Much love to you!

      1. April, yes you may post anything anonymously that would be helpful. We were married for about 15 years before he just couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and he stopped trying to share his feelings with me about it. You’re right about our relationship with our husbands reflecting our relationship with God, that’s exactly how it was. I obeyed and respected their authority in the ‘big’ things but not in the seemingly little things of daily life. What you said about the sin that is prevalent in our culture and in the church is true as well. One sin that I picked up from our culture was to be independent. I thought it was a good and healthy thing to not ‘need’ my husband. Poor guy probably never felt ‘needed’ by me in our marriage. I took away from him something he desired to provide for me as a man. I believe I treated God in a very similar way, like, “I’ve got this God, don’t worry about me, I’ll let you know when I REALLY need you.” Yikes, now I see how these attitudes and others have destroyed my life. I tore my life down with my own two hands.

        1. Melanie,

          Yes, our culture promotes women being so independent. We have that independent spirit with God and with our husbands. It doesn’t work! I am so glad your husband tried to share with you for those first 15 years what he was feeling. It breaks my heart that you couldn’t hear him. Maybe I wouldn’t have heard my husband either. He never said a word. I assumed he was fine. Surely he would say something if he was hurt. He didn’t. He just suffered in silence and shut down. 🙁 UGH!

          Yes, that is what most of us even as Christian women are doing – tearing down our relationships with God and with our husbands with our own hands. 🙁 I want us to see what we are doing and to stop!!!! How I pray it is not too late!

          Thank you for allowing me to share your comment anonymously.

          Much love to you!
          Praying for God’s will and His healing and His glory in your life and marriage!

        2. Again, I relate, Melanie! I always thought what a “catch” I was for my husband because I am not someone who is needy, high-maintenance, demanding… I am self-sufficient and independent. To my very great detriment. I didn’t realize I was taking something away from him, a God-given desire to be needed as my strong protector and provider. Oh, what we have all missed out on by buying into our culture’s lies. And, yes, as April has pointed out, this self-reliance in our marriages is a reflection of our attitude toward God, too. Thankfully, He has continued to orchestrate the circumstances of our lives so that we have finally come to see that we do really need Him. Desperately.

    2. I am so very sorry for your heartache and pain, Melanie. Thank you for allowing God to use it to exhort and encourage others.

      I had a revelation in my last comment to you (different post) about my husband. I only just realized that, in the past, he was always willing to forgive and forget and move on even though I was paralyzed in my insecurities and fears and not able to work through conflict and negative emotions. Maybe that’s why I was sent reeling by his current unwillingness to forgive me now that I’m beginning to grasp the magnitude of my sin. He always forgave me in the past and I never understood this as love and grace on his part. I never saw myself as needing to be forgiven for much.

      I think that now I am starting to get a glimpse of just how undeserving of his forgiveness I have always been and how just it is now that he isn’t forgiving me. If he did forgive me so readily this time , I would likely take it for granted, as in the past, and continue in my pride and sin. His “sin” of unforgiveness (I say this without judgement, though it is certainly a temptation at times to focus on his sin rather than mine) is God’s tool for my refinement, to draw me closer to Him, to cause me to lean fully on Him, to open my eyes to the depths of pride and self-deception in my heart.

      Thank you, Kayla, for your honesty and openness in sharing your beautiful story and starting this conversation. I pray the Holy Spirit will continue it in my heart and life and in the other wives to whom He has spoken through you. God bless you and your family!

      1. God is refining us through all these things, isn’t he!!! Praise God that our pain is not for nothing, He will us all of it and He already is, I can see that in all of us! Some days though it feels like we can’t bear to be refined anymore. He is faithful, even then.

      2. Oh, I do not feel very strong right now at all! I feel like I’ve been given a glimpse of a vital truth that I must grab onto and hold for dear life… but it’s just barely out of my grasp! I feels as if I am in a very precarious position. I know this revelation, about my husband’s love and grace in the past and how undeserving I have been, is one of those life & death choices — it can either be a tool God uses for my refinement or a tool Satan uses for my destruction. I know which way I want it to go, but I feel like I can only just barely hold onto this truth and I really need to dig into it. It’s like a word on the tip of my tongue or a thought that just escapes me, I’m floundering trying to cling to it and the Enemy and my pride are fighting me tooth & nail. I’m glad I wrote it here in these comments (truly, it just came to me as I was writing) and also in my journal because I am going to be reading and re-reading what I wrote, trying to get it into my head and my heart. It just feels so elusive right now. I know I did hear this from God and I feel like I do need the world to come to a complete stop around me so I can really understand it fully before it slips away in the busy-ness of life. I pray that God does “whatever it takes” for me to truly get it.

        1. Yes, of course you may share this. Thank you for your prayers – I need them!

  4. April: I posted this comment on The Respected Husband’s re-blog of Kayla’s post:

    God bless Mr. Gulick. And God bless Kayla. I so wanted to be where they are in my marriage, and almost was once or twice. In those instances, my wife couldn’t believe that I meant it when I said that I forgave her, despite the intensity of the pain and the fighting that had preceded her (rare) apology. But she never had the awakening to her pervasive and soul-killing rebellion and disrespect that Kayla did. There’s no doubt in my mind that if she ever had, I would have forgiven her. (She eventually left, and remains very angry at me all the time.) Greg, I think you’re on the right track with your musings about why men seem to find it easier to forgive, but I’m inclined to put a little more positive spin on it. I think it’s because, as you indicate, men are quite aware of their own sin, and are therefore more able to forgive sin in others. But I think most men can have that accurate perception of their own and others’ fallenness without going so far as to feel undeserving of respect. If we thought everyone else or at least some others were sinless, maybe we’d feel undeserving of respect from other people, but since we know we’re all messed up, we realize that it’s still fair to expect respect from other people. (Different situation with God, of course; we know He is perfect and that we’re so far from it that we don’t deserve anything good from Him.) But that’s just anecdotal/my experience, so I may be wrong. Either way, excellent post. If I give you her email address, would you please send it directly to my ex-wife? :o)

    BTW, April, in at least some (most? all?) the relationships where the husband is not forgiving the wife who is trying to change, I’m thinking it may simply be that he doesn’t yet believe that the change/apology/repentance is genuine. I would probably have been more accurate to say above that there’s no doubt in my mind that if my ex-wife had ever had the awakening that Kayla had, and I believed that it was genuine (which I think I would have because it would have been SUCH a departure), I would have forgiven her. So I think in most situations where the husband is slow to forgive, it’s that he’s slow to believe, and I hope that if the wife can just persevere, she’ll eventually experience that forgiveness. I hope that makes sense and is encouraging.

    1. David J,

      I so deeply appreciate your insights about times that a husband may not be forgiving. I think there are a lot of wives who need to hear that today. Yes, what you are saying makes sense to me and is very encouraging. There are so many new wives that have joined us lately who are frustrated because their husbands don’t trust them yet – but many times, there are MANY, MANY layers of sin and disrespect and idolatry to peel back. I think that husbands can see that – and sometimes wives think they have changed a lot – but there can still be so much more repentance and change left to go that they don’t see yet.

      I pray for God’s mercy, love, grace and strength for husbands, and ex-husbands.

      Sometimes it takes a LONG TIME for people to “get it.” It can be a process. And it takes the work of God’s Spirit, that is for sure. I am sure it is extremely difficult for husbands as they wait and as their wives continue to be disrespectful and controlling – even as they want to change and try to change, just like it is hard for wives to wait when they feel their husbands are being unloving.

      Thank God that He is able to change us – in spite of ourselves.

      One day, we will all see our sins as God sees them. Every eye will eventually be opened. But how I pray that God might allow us to see our sins as He does NOW so that we can deeply repent and mourn and turn to Him with all our hearts and repent to those we have sinned against.

      Thank you so much for your thoughts!

  5. Amy,
    I am so glad that you don’t want to sin and that You long for God to change you. That is the best place to be! I pray for God’s power and for you to abide in Him that He might transform your heart and mind. This can be a slow process at times. We are all completely desperate for God’s Spirit to do the work in us. None of us can do this in our own power!

    Sending you a huge hug! i can’t wait to see God’s plans for you and the beauty that He will continue to form in your heart!

  6. Oh I needed this!! It made me feel a mixture of saddened and blessed…

    A year ago I asked God to show me the ways I had disrespected my husband, and He REALLY answered my prayer!!

    The Lord brought back things I hadn’t thought of in YEARS, all the way back from the beginning of our relationship! It broke my heart to think of how I had treated my husband 🙁 I remember spending the whole day crying and writing a letter to my husband outlining many of the ways I had disrespected him!!

    This made a huge impact on my husband and our marriage! Life has been SO different since that day.
    BUT I don’t want to think it’s a one-time deal. I STILL fail and continually need God’s grace!!

    Thank you for posting this. I’m going to spend some time today listening to God and asking Him to show me ways I have been putting idols first.

    “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14 LOVE that verse!!

    1. KD,
      Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your story!

      I think that there are layers that God reveals to us over time. I’m so glad God did show you so many things and you were able to repent and what a blessing and difference that made in your marriage. PRAISE GOD!

      We must live daily by dying to self, capturing every thought for Christ, purposely exalting Christ and building our life around Him, yielding ourselves to Him as Lord every moment, living in the power of His Spirit, listening for any life-giving rebuke from God and abiding in Him.

      We all need God’s grace every moment!

      We are all wretched sinners in desperate need of God. There is nothing good in us on our own. I know that I can blind myself to my own sin so easily. I have been begging God to show me every single little trace of sin so I can repent, I want it ALL GONE! The second I see sin coming, I want to shoot it down and get it out of my life by the power of God’s Spirit in me. PRAISE GOD that He is able to give us victory over sin and that we don’t have to be slaves to sin anymore.

      I LOVE that verse, too! Thanks so much for sharing!

      Much love,

    2. KD-

      Thank you for sharing how you prayed for God to show you your disrespect. I have identified a lot of mine but never thought to do this. I would love to know if there are more layers of disrespect that I haven’t yet seen and will be praying this.

  7. April I would like to add to what we were talking about, how sin is absolutely destroying our marriages. I’m reading a couple of books right now that are really helping me to see why I’ve been stuck in my sin for so long. I take full responsibility for that sin but now I understand better what my thought processes have been, or lack of them many times! A pastor and his wife, Peter and Geri Scazzero wrote the book, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” and then the wife wrote “The Emotionally Healthy Woman”. In their book the husband says this after referring to a crisis that occurred as a result of his inability to listen to his emotions,
    “The reality was that my discipleship and spirituality had not touched a number of deep internal wounds and sin patterns–especially those ugly ones that emerged behind the closed doors of our home during trials, disagreements, conflicts, and setbacks.
    I was stuck at an immature level of spiritual and emotional development. And my then-present way of living the Christian life was not transforming the deep places in my life…Something was dreadfully wrong with my spirituality–but what?”
    “It wasn’t until the pain exposed how much was hiding under my surface of being a “good Christian” that it hit me: whole layers of my emotional life had lain buried, untouched by God’s transforming power. I had been too busy for “morbid introspection,” too consumed with building God’s work to spend time digging around in my subconscious. Yet now the pain was forcing me to face how superficially Jesus had penetrated my inner person, even though I had been a Christian for twenty years.
    That is when I discovered the radical truth that changed my life, my marriage, my ministry, and eventually the church we were privileged to serve. It was a simple truth, but somehow I’d missed it–and, strangely, apparently so had the vast majority of the evangelical movement I’d been part of. This simple but profound reality, I believe, has the power to bring revolutionary change to many of those who are ready to throw in the towel on Christian faith: emotional health and spiritual maturity are inseparable.”

    The book then goes on to explain that. In the wife’s book she wrote something that was also profound for me in this journey,

    “Scripture does more than give us permission to express our sadness it considers grieving losses as central to our spiritual growth. Sadness and loss form important threads in the tapestry of our spiritual lives. We are to grieve parents who were not there for us, severed relationships, lack of education, lck of job opportunities, divorces, deaths disabilities, challenging children, chronic health limitations, and childlessness. To deny sadness is like trying to deny an arm or a leg; it is to amputate a vital and necessary part of ourselves.”
    I used to fear sadness as if it were a contagious disease. Now that I allow myself to experience sadness, the fear of it has lost its grip on me. I no longer label sadness as bad or something to be avoided; it is simply a part of life.
    Experiencing my own sadness has enabled me to be more compassionate toward the sadness of others. I am now convinced this is one of the greatest gifts I have to offer.”

    That is so true for me. I would never have been able to truly mourn or grieve with someone until now. I do thank God for all of the ways He’s been growing me and equipping me!

    April I don’t expect you to post all of this or any of it, I just wanted to share with you. I know you love books and I think you would really like these ones! 🙂

  8. You women are amazing!!!! I feel so privileged to be surrounded by all of you. You are all ‘running the race’ and it’s beautiful, truly beautiful! You inspire me every day to dig deeper and to run harder, all for the glory of God our Father! Thank you ladies!

  9. THANK YOU THANK YOU! I have no idea what I would be doing, or where I would be without all of you. I know God sent me to this blog, and Kayla’s and others. I finally had my breakthrough (more like breakdown) I have written my sins, I am fully prepared to tell my husband what I’ve discovered and how truly, deeply remorseful I am. I am stuck. I keep praying God will tell me when to release all this guilt to my husband. My fear (that I’m trusting God will handle) is that it’s too late. That my dear husband whom I have broken is too far out the door. We’ve been separated for about a month. We see each other and speak daily but we’re so emotionally disconnected I don’t even know where or when to start. I am scared to death that he will think this is some kind of trick or game to get him to come home. I need, beg, plead for his forgiveness and I am so ready to be the wife God intended me to be, but I can’t handle more pain and rejection. Please help me. Do I wait, or do I read him what I’ve written?

  10. Well, it isn’t really a “letter” at all. It was simply my brain running too fast and me grabbing a pen (I journal and write often) and jotting down every single thought that came into my head. I sound exactly like Kayla. I was crying so hard when I wrote it I couldn’t see the words, but at the same time I could see so clearly. I’d be happy to email you my ramblings, I’d rather not post those right now. I’m just not sure where to send it. I am fully prepared to accept whatever response I get from him. I feel as Kayla did, I don’t deserve to be forgiven by him, I completely understand what I’ve done. I have repented to the Lord and have been praying for months for Him to fix me and bless my husband. I have never had such an eye opening experience in my life.

  11. How do you …
    “Dig down to the foundation of Christ and get rid of everything else we think we know about God, ourselves, about being a christian, about godly feminity, about godly masculinity, about marriage…and we rebuild on the truth of Christ and His Word alone”. ?


    1. PLM,
      Well, I did it by reading over 30 marriage books in 2 years, praying and studying scripture daily for an hour or two per day or more and begging God to change me radically to make me more like Christ!

      It involves examining EVERY thought and belief we hold and kicking out anything that is not of God.

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