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Affection/Sex Survey

There are a lot of myths out there about what other couples do and what is normal in regards to affection and sex in marriage. Let’s look at reality for a moment together, shall we? Β Maybe we are not as isolated or weird as we might think we are! Real life is not always like Hollywood. Thanks for taking the time to respond! I think the results are going to be interesting. πŸ™‚

I’m so thankful to God that no matter what our answers are on this survey, there is hope for us to have contentment, joy and peace in Christ alone!

(I added 2 new questions at 3:20pm EST)

69 thoughts on “Affection/Sex Survey

  1. This survey had me crying in a pity party by the time I got to the second question. It reminded me that my husband cheated on me, had a physical and emotional affair that we haven’t resolved, and may still be having it. He doesn’t touch me, doesn’t want me physically or intimately in any way. I have never said no to sex with him. The affair started before we were married and it’s been almost 3 yrs now. I feel like I live in a world of pain.

    Now that I got that off my chest maybe I’ll feel some peace. Thanks for reading.

    1. Victorious Spirit

      Oh no!!!!! I am SO SO SO SO SO SORRY to bring up all of these awful wounds. πŸ™

      How I wish I could hug your neck! I pray for God’s healing for you – and for godly counsel and support. Thank you for sharing – I wish I could make things better for you!

      There is another wife who is hurting – I wanted to ask these questions to help her see that her situation isn’t as abnormal as she thinks. Who knows, maybe your comment might even bless her?

      Much love to you!

  2. The survey brought back up old wounds as well but I’m Ok, the Lord heals, it takes time, I’m on my way. Thank you Jesus

  3. Victorious Spirit,

    I Love that name and that you are! I am sorry for your pain, I feel it in my heart πŸ™ you will get through this! I know it hurts believe me I KNOW. I still hurt at times what I went through.
    Give your broken heart to the Lord continually to help you get through this. Press on dear Sister πŸ™‚ you will make it!!!

  4. What’s sad to me is that two years ago, my answers would have been SO much different than they were today But I’m trusting God for total healing of my marriage and think if I get the chance to retake this survey, my answers will be totally different.

    1. LTL,
      Yes, thankfully, there is hope and healing available and our answers may be able to change in some situations for the better as we seek God and seek to become the wives He wants us to be. πŸ™‚ praying for God’s healing for you and your husband!

  5. I just added a new question about how important a husband’s affection is for wives. Y’all are welcome to go back and answer that one if you would like! πŸ™‚

  6. April, good poll. It was interesting to see the results.

    An idea for a blog post could be “what is pornography. For instance “fifty shades of gray” is a popular series even amongst Christian women. Romance novels that give women fantasies they want husbands to measure up to then are upset when their husbands fall short

    Just an idea

  7. Well, now my stomach is upset. I realize that I am to blame for all of my non-affirmative answers to your poll, April. I am the one who told my spouse that I hated him. I am the one who does not want him to touch me anymore. I am the one who does not want to have sex with him. Yuck! When did I make this all about me? Did I just see another idol in my heart? OK, now I’ve got to start the day over.

    Oh, and I wanted to let you know that I picked up a new book to read: Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. Only in 1 1/2 chapters, but I am liking what he has to say.

    1. Marcia,

      I am so sorry this was so painful!!!!

      There are definitely many potential idols here in this area. I know I have had to tear some out myself.

      I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sacred Marriage. You will be blessed as you read that book!!!

      Thank you for sharing. Please let me know how you are doing and if you need to talk about anything!

      1. Marcia, this CAN turn around. Go to Father and repent and renounce these actions. Ask Him for forgiveness, then ACCET the forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Ask Father for the words and timing to go to your husband and repent and ask forgiveness. Thank your husband that he has stuck with you. Thank him that he was given by Heavenly Father as a gift.

        I’ll be praying for you and your husbands heart

        1. Esther,
          Amen! Amen!!!! We can repent of our sin and God is totally able to turn this into something beautiful.

          There is a blog called forgivenwife that is very good, may be helpful.

          Thankfully, in Christ, there are new beginnings and healing is available. πŸ™‚ we all need Him!

          1. April, I have looked at forgivenwife (have her bookmarked) and am not sure that I’m quite ready for that. I am not yet at the place where I can smile when he comes home, so there’s still a bunch of work I need to do on this submit and respect stuff. The good news is, my friends are noticing a change in me! And Holy Spirit pointed out a very important thing to me – my lack of trust in my husband is directly linked to my lack of trust in God. I’d heard that marriage is correlated somehow with our relationship with Him, but now He is showing me vividly how true that is. Today I can honestly tell you that, on my own I may not want to have anything to do w/hubby, but I know that God wants better for me. So, I’m gonna keep on keep’n on ’cause God is good! πŸ™‚
            I needed the poll to see this in myself and I don’t feel quite so sick now.

            Love to each and every one of you …

            1. Marcia,

              God is showing you some really important things! Who knew some poll questions could do all of that!?!
              I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart. You know what He showed me? My level of respect and biblical submission towards Greg is a tangible indicator of my level of reverence and submission towards Him. John 14:22,24 if anyone loves Me he will obey Me… anyone who does not obey Me does not love Me.

              Wow. It is heavy.

              But as I learned about marriage, I learned about God. And as I learned about God, I learned about my role in marriage. It is amazing to get to see the beauty and wisdom of God’s design and to realize just how much He loves us and longs for us to want to know Him and be close to Him.

              I am looking forward to all that God has in store for you!!!! πŸ™‚ please let me know how you are doing!

              You may want to search “A Challenge for You, Ladies” or “Stages of This Journey.” Much love to you!

        2. Thank you, Esther. Over the course of the afternoon, I realized that I do need to repent and ask forgiveness for this just as I did for my idol which was “my perception of what is wrong with our marriage.” It seems as though my idol and pride are all twisted together, so as Holy Spirit shows me the different facets as He grinds and polishes, I will continue to seek His goodness and mercy. And have a heart-to-heart w/hubby, too.
          Thank you so very much for your prayers.

  8. I am hoping that my husband’s affection towards me increases in our marriage. I am a recovering disrespectful wife (not on purpose! didn’t know i was or how to change for a year or 2!). As soon as we got married the affection dwindled once we were having sex all the time! Ha! I used to tell my husband all the time how much I needed more affection and he told me I was nagging him about it. A few times I was so hurt about not having much affection for a while, I would break down and cry and we would have fights about it. We have sex regularly! But affection does not mean anything to my husband, just me. I have told him this. But since I’m recovering from being disrespectful, critical, and nagging, my new approach is to just make myself available whenever he initiates sex, initiate occasionally when appropriate, initiate hugs occasionally (but not overboard), pray that God shows him my need for affection (and not JUST sex, although I like that too), tell him how much I appreciate it when he does rarely show me affection! It is hard not to bring it up all the time but so far I’ve had victory for the last few weeks/months. Hoping and still praying that it changes! We don’t have a bad marriage but this is just an area that could improve to help me feel loved.

    1. JP,

      I think that your situation is not uncommon. When we get married, and men can have sex, I think they sometimes do lower the affection. And, of course, when we are disrespectful, they often stop being as affectionate, too. I had no idea I was disrespectful either. For 14.5 years!?!?!? I love your approach now and I am confident that God will help you before the wife He desires you to be and that He is able to heal your marriage.

      Much love!

      1. April, would you mind explaining this sentence more? “When we get married, and men can have sex, I think they sometimes do lower the affection.”

        I’m dating someone and I was just wondering exactly what this means. I don’t particularly mind, I just want to walk into marriage with realistic expectations (ideally with no expectations at all).

        Thanks! Maria

        1. Maria,
          Sometimes I think that men get a lot of their needs for physical touch met primarily through sex once they are married and sex is available. So, sometimes, some husbands decline a bit on the affection scale because to them, they are getting the physical touch they need. A lot of husbands seem to thrive more on sexual touch than affectionate touch. But, I may just have to do a survey about that for the men!

          Does that make sense? πŸ™‚

          1. So basically it’s possible that there would be less of the more affectionate little gestures because they see sex as a huge gesture of affection? That seems kinda sad to me, I love the little gestures, it’s sad to think they might go away…although having sex is probably what makes up for it…

            1. Maria,

              Yes it is possible that this can happen. It is not inevitable. It just depends on the particular man and also it can depend a lot, in my view, on how respected he feels. Many men begin to feel very disrespected in marriage or that their wives are trying to control them. That often leads to a decrease in affection.

              Things can and do change after marriage in ways that can be difficult to predict. A man and woman may have very different expectations. This could be a great topic to discuss ahead of time. Although discussions ahead of time may vary from what actually happens later.

              If you want to encourage your man to be affectionate, thank him and show him a lot of appreciation for the affection he shows to you. πŸ™‚

              1. Okay that makes more sense, thanks! Yeah I definitely think that having a talk like that at some point would be good! By the way, Will and I have been dating for almost six months and honestly it just keeps getting better; he keeps winning my heart over and over again. I am so blessed; this blog has been incredibly helpful!!

              2. It’s going so well, I’ve read the book Love and Respect for the first time and I have one question about it. Do you actually tell your husband Gred “I respect you”? Like how do you phrase that without sounding incredibly awkward? One time Will mentioned that he knew I read relationship books because sometimes the things I said don’t sound like me. I was mortified, even though he didn’t mind AT ALL (in fact, he appreciated the fact that I was putting work/research into our relationship) but it was still embarrassing. How do you communicate the fact that you respect someone without sounding forced or awkward? If anyone has tips, feel free to share!!

              3. Maria,

                It will sound awkward and weird at first when you haven’t been saying things like that. It is like learning a new language. They will sound like you in time. πŸ™‚ It will be part of your new language.

                If there are things Will doesn’t like for you to say, then you can say things in other ways. “I appreciate you,” “I’m so proud of you,” “I trust you,” etc..

                But one thing I learned about Greg, and it seems to hold true with a lot of men, is that, the words are not nearly as important to them as our attitude and actions and showing our respect, honor, appreciation and cooperation with their leadership.

                I hope that might help! πŸ™‚

              4. Hey April and yoursistersojourner, thanks for your advice! It’s so much easier for me to actually SHOW respect than try to verbalize it, and it’s nice to know that actions are generally more important to men. Thanks for everything!

    2. Hi J.P,

      I’m new here and I’m learning alot as God leads me and is working in me. I believe God has started on a journey with me and that’s why I am finding so much information available to me for me and my marriage and i can already see lots of changes in me.

      What I really wanted to say is try taking the focus off yourself and try focusing on your husband. Begin doing naturally and out of love and respect and the desire to please your husband do some of the things you’d like him to do to you…(without expecting it back, cos it shows when you expect a reaction). This is something I’m learning to do and I’m beginning to like myself for it as well. I know hubby would have noticed but wont know what to make of it and how long it’ll last. So just keep doing things to show him respect and affection and soon, you’ll see it all coming back to you.

      God bless you and all the wonderful women reading and commenting including you @peaceful wife. Thank you so much for responding to the voice of God.

      1. Kemmys,
        Welcome! I am so thrilled to meet you. Thank you for reaching out to encourage JP and for sharing what God is showing you. You are a blessing. πŸ™‚

  9. Good Morning April!!!
    I love the survey! It seems quite insightful. But I was not able to answer because I’m the husband. LOL! How about a survey or poll for us husbands you read your blog? Thanks!

    1. Xavier,

      I did think about that! Well… you could answer some of the questions that you know the answers to from your wife’s perspective. But – I will consider coming up with a poll just for the men, too. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the suggestion!

  10. Great survey, April. I can’t wait to see the results. Can’t help thinking that your respondents are going to be a very select group, and that the results might be very different from the general population. We are mostly working hard to improve our marriages, and I dare say that many of my answers would have been very different even just 2 months ago. Thanks for putting it out there.

    1. To Be His Clay,
      Yes, I do think the respondents are a select group, and the results will be different from a general population survey. I hope to be able to better address some issues my readers are facing with this info. Thanks for responding!!! πŸ™‚

  11. First of all, I don’t know how my name appears and can’t seem to figure out how to change it, as I am not asking for anything, just making a comment…but I have read lots of marriage books in my life and for anyone who their spouse is having an affair Dr. Kevin Leman, Christian counselor and author, emphasizes in his books that you do not continue to have sex with them especially if they are actively involved in an affair and afterward not until they have been tested and are clean of STDs. His books include but are not limited to: “Sheet Music: uncovering the secrets of sexual intimacy in marriage,” and “Turning up the heat:A couple’s guide to sexual intimacy.”

    1. K,
      I completely agree! If there is adultery going on – I think it is very necessary to stop physical intimacy and I would certainly agree with waiting and having them tested for STDs. HIV doesn’t show up for 6 months after potential exposure. But – in my view, it would be worth the wait to prevent spreading a potentially fatal disease to our spouse.

      Thank you for the resource!

  12. My husband and I are only a few months into our marriage and we are already struggling in this department πŸ™ On top of both of us being on a mild antidepressant which can affect drive, we are both amidst very stressful times in our careers and are exhausted all the time. Fortunately this puts our drive at about the same level but for some reason even though may feel the same low energy for it, I take it way more personally when he’s not up for it or seems disinterested. I make it out like he needs to try harder to get back in the right mind set πŸ™ even though I’m struggling to be there too. He assures me over and over again that we will have phases like this throughout life and it has no bearing on our love for each other etc, I guess I just feel unwanted in these times and get overwhelmed by talking to my friends who’s husbands can’t get enough sex and they both want/have it all the time. πŸ™ ack i don’t know. I don’t want to shame him anymore for his disinterest during this stressful time as I know that is not the answer. I think I feel ashamed too and try to hide that. We are also planning on starting to try to get pregnant in the coming months so that’s got me stressed too. April- any words of Godly advice for me? I didn’t expect to have an issue so soon after switching from peaceful single girl to peaceful wife πŸ˜‰ Thank you for always posting such relevant, important and thought provoking topics. Xoxo

    1. Sasha,

      Things came crashing down for us 1 week into our marriage – I severely sprained my lower back. It was devastating and set our marriage on a very shaky foundation because our sexual intimacy was greatly impacted by a number of very negative factors for a LONG, LONG time. πŸ™ So – I feel your pain. I cried every day all day for the first 3 months of our marriage.

      Greg and his dad worked on an old house for us to live in 6 days a week until 1am every night on top of their full time jobs for the first 3 months of our marriage. Greg would fall into bed after 1am, I would be in tears about a lot of things that were not going the way I thought they should. He would say nothing, turn away from me, not touch me, not kiss me and fall asleep.

      I had NEVER felt so rejected, unloved and unwanted. We dated 6 years and waited to have sex until our honeymoon. We had 3 glorious days. Then it became a nightmare. And every thing I did in response, pushed Greg so far away from me. But I didn’t understand that at the time. I tried to initiate at times, he always changed the subject or ignored me. I know now that he loved me, he was beyond exhausted, he didn’t know what to do, he knew he would hurt me if he tried to be intimate with me, he was trying to fix the house as quickly as he could, he was dealing with all of my new disrespect and contempt for the first time, I was resisting his leadership and accusing him of being unbiblical at every turn, he was concerned about how long it took for him to find an engineering job (6 years). It was just a mess. I felt I had to take over. I began to up the disrespect and control. He shut down. I had no one to talk to and no where to go and no clue what was happening. It was the most miserable experience of my life.

      As a pharmacist, I can definitely affirm that many anti-depressants do lower sex drive and can affect performance in men and women. (But please do not stop these meds abruptly!!! The dr would need to help you taper off of them gradually.)

      You can see on the survey results that there are actually quite a lot of husbands who don’t want sex as much as their wives do and who turn their wives down. It happens a lot more than anyone talks about.

      My suggestions for your situation right now:

      1. PRAY for God’s wisdom and direction and healing!
      2. Consider asking the MD about allowing you to come off of the anti-depressants if you believe that you can.
      3. If you do initiate, try initiating in the morning when your husband’s testosterone is probably at its peak.
      4. Consider doing things that he really likes, even if they aren’t your favorite things – that may help to get him in the mood.
      5. Is he on board with the baby thing? What does he say about it?
      6. Offer plenty of grace to him when he is exhausted and assume the best, instead of that it is a personal rejection.

      Are there any issues with porn going on?

      What do you do when he is not interested?

      Does he ever initiate?

      How is the respect thing going?

      Sending you the biggest hug my precious sister!

      Much love,

    2. Sasha,

      Our sex life became non-existant about two weeks after we got married. We got home from our honeymoon and I started and things dropped off. He ended up with health issues and medicine that affected his desire for about 8 months early on in our marriage, so things went from once a week to once a month to now,18 months into marriage, we have only been intimate once in the last seven months. I have been the only one initiating and I finally quit. It hurts deeply that he has no desire for me, but by not initiating any more, I’m a little less emotional about it. I’m trying to quit the zingers…but am not always successful. I hurt my husband more than I ever dreamed by telling him constantly how he wasn’t meeting my needs sexually and that has definitely hurt this aspect of our marriage.

      I say all of this to assure you that you are not alone and to encourage you to keep watch over your words when you do initiate. I wish I could take back so much of what I’ve said and replace it with words that would build my husband up. For now, I’m not initiating because I feel like it would just further the damage. My prayer is that he will step up and initiate.

      I am thankful for the women on this site encouraging me to root out the sins in my life. Thank you, April, for starting it.

      1. Lucy and Sasha,

        I talked privately with a wife this week who verbally emasculated her husband with “zingers” like that so many times – they are also having almost no intimacy now. There may be medical issues, too. But – I don’t think we as women have any idea how destructive our complaints and contempt about our husbands’ “failure” with us sexually can wound them and scar them. Sometimes for life.

        I definitely do understand that there may be times when a wife may have to wait and not initiate.

        But – I have a little idea to share with y’all if you are interested… it has worked with a few other wives. Let me know if you are ready!

        I want to see your marriages healed and your sex lives flourishing and vibrant and God being greatly honored in your lives. We will pray together for His healing in His timing and His way – and that He might radically change y’all, the wives, to become the women He desires you to be and that He might give you great wisdom about how to bless your husbands and build them up and affirm them.

        Much love,

        1. April,

          I’m up for any suggestion. Truthfully, I don’t think I have anywhere to go but up in this department.

          1. Lucy and Sasha,

            Ok, I hope this is not TMI. But, my suggestions are as follows for whatever they are worth:

            1. Focus on finding all of your joy and contentment in Christ and growing in Him, not expecting your husband to be responsible for your happiness.
            2. Don’t pressure or insult him.
            3. Focus on learning what respect is to him and avoiding things that feel disrespectful to him
            4. Approach him in the morning when you do approach him, testosterone levels are usually highest for men in the morning.
            5. If your man enjoys your hands or your mouth, offer those things fairly often, if he seems receptive. This can be a great way to reintroduce intimacy without pressure, especially if you focus mostly on him and just blessing him. By the way, a lot of husbands, from what I understand, prefer for their wives just to go for it instead of starting with a full body massage or gradually working up to things. But you may have to study your own husband to see what his preferences are.

            If all of theses things still do not help, you may be dealing with a medical issue or something for which you may need more assistance.

            I certainly do not claim to have all the answers, but maybe some of these ideas may help.

            I am praying for you,

            The enemy wants us to have lots of sex outside of marriage and wants to keep us from having sex inside of marriage. Be aware of his schemes!!!!

              1. Lucy,
                You’re welcome. I know the pain of this situation can seem so unbearable at times. I pray that it might bring you comfort to know that you are not alone – that many of your sisters in Christ face similar struggles. I am praying for you!

              2. Thank you for your ideas April πŸ™‚ I will put them to good use!! This was a great topic to post about judging by all these comments. When can we get your book? πŸ™‚ Xoxoxox ❀️

              3. Sasha,

                Yes, it does look like I may need to post about this in more detail. Now, over 530 women have taken the survey. If you read the results, you will see how much women long for affection and also how many women do have to deal with sexual rejection at times from their husbands, see, it is not like the marriage books all say! All husbands don’t always want sex. πŸ™‚

                There are a lot of great individual responses on that question that you may want to check out. Some may be helpful.

                Much love to you! let me know how you are doing!

      2. April & Lucy,

        Thank you both so much for sharing your personal experiences with this in early marriage and also your constructive feedback. I’ve been thinking a lot about both of your stories and also how I am very lucky, despite our stressors contributing to this issue, that my husband is otherwise very affectionate and loving. And no April, to the best of my knowledge there are no outside issues like porn- just pure exhaustion+ work stress+ the antidepressant has left him with little desire for sex period. And of course the reason he is working so hard is because he wants to give us a better life and allow me to work less so that I can ultimately stay home with our children. Ackkkk sinking heart.. I just need to figure out how to not take it so personally. I also am so scared that this issue will persist despite us both being so excited start trying to have kids. April I would love to hear the suggestion you have that worked for you and a friend. In other good news, Brett and I have finally settled in a church where we love! Yay!

  13. I really appreciate that you created this poll so that women can get a better understanding about marital intimacy. I do have one question: Why is it that the poll question for how often a man turns his wife down for sex includes the answer “Sometimes”, but the poll question for how often a woman turns down her husband for sex is lacking this option? It implies that it is acceptable for a husband to turn down his wife from time to time without further explanation but it is unacceptable for a wife to do the same to her husband.

  14. Nothing against the poll, but it was completely depressing. My marriage seems to be in the bottom 10%. This makes me so sad! I absolutely loathe that my husband is not affectionate. I often don’t even feel like I’m a wife or in a marriage. At any rate, I’m interested, April, in your assessment of the survey. It seems to me that things are not that bad in most marriages (which does make me feel isolated). Seems like what you set out to do didn’t happen. I was TOTALLY surprised by the husbands looking at porn question. Seems like EVERYBODY is talking about porn and how many people are looking at it, but according to this survey, more than 70% say they don’t think their husband has a problem!

    1. Jane,
      I hope to write more later. But – my marriage would have been in the bottom 10% 5.5 years ago too. It isn’t now. There is much hope in Christ! He is able to heal. Hopefully I can write more soon!!! πŸ™‚ don’t give up my sweet sister!

    2. Jane,

      MANY, MANY wives who first begin reading here have very little affection and many times very little sex in their marriages. Lots of times, as God heals marriages, those things change.

      This is not a group of women who represent the general population. There are many very committed Christian women here – and – there are many women here with very committed Christian husbands. That could explain the low porn use rates in husbands that was reported. Another possibility is that some wives may not be aware of their husbands’ porn use.

      In the general population, even in the church, porn use is quite high – especially in men (and increasingly in women) under 30.

      I don’t know if you are able to stomach any success stories, but the post “Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction” has some stories from wives whose marriages were not so great in the affection/sex department and for whom things improved greatly as they began to obey God and understand and live out God’s design for marriage.

      Please keep in mind that if there are severe issues in the marriage, I am not able to address those things here on this blog – they would need experienced, godly help.

  15. It surprises me that the % of men on the question of never watching porn is higher than the ladies…..

  16. Thank you so much for your blog – I sincerely believe God sent me here – I now have Godly directions to get thru what I need to get thru –

    1. Debbie,
      I am so pleased to meet you! I am sure God has brought you here. I pray for God to bring exactly who He wants to here and for Him to speak to each woman’s heart by His Spirit alone.

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!!! πŸ™‚

  17. Can you suggest any good books on this subject – rejection. I have searched and searched and the most I can find is one or two sentences about the subject in an entire book. Also can you direct me to all you have written on this subject or other writers that have posted articles? Thank you.

  18. my wife asked me how much better would my depression be if we were “sexually intimate” more. I said 50%. Because sex is not everything, (spirituality, health, money, job, kids, marriage, all fill up the other 50%) but at least my mind would be clear and there could be something to look forward to every couple of days and we as a couple would benefit too. However, any “improvements” are yet to be seen. There are so many “conditions” that need to be made for her to feel the mood that I give up. I wish I had a job/career to put my mind into so I could afford golf like other guys. But, no.

    1. Jeff,

      Women are a lot more complicated, and it takes longer for women to be ready and get revved up, that is true. But, I am encouraged that she asked you this question! What a blessing! Maybe y’all can reach a compromise? How long ago did she ask this?

    2. General FYI for husbands that may possibly be helpful – some things that can make intimacy much more appealing to a lot of wives:

      – For some wives, knowing ahead of time that intimacy will be that evening (evenings are often best for women), gives them time to mentally prepare and think about things.
      – For a lot of wives, they need to know their husband is not interested in any other women including porn. While husbands may feel that they are “just using porn to get by” until they can have sex with their wives again, many wives feel very personally wounded by a husband’s porn use (it feels very much to her like her husband is cheating on her) and feel that it means that they aren’t “enough” for their husbands, and they can’t “compete” with the women in the pictures on porn he is looking at, and it can be extremely difficult for a wife to trust her husband and to forgive him for this. (There is a fantastic chapter with an example about a wife extending grace to her husband on this issue in Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller.)
      – If there are medical issues for a wife (vaginal pain, issues with yeast, etc..) – maybe she would be willing to use her hands or something that will give her husband release in other ways until she is better or as she works on resolving her health concern?
      – a husband’s good hygiene is a big help!
      – a bath together first.
      – a massage first… most wives are extremely tense all the time. It is difficult to relax enough to be able to think about intimacy if a wife is a big knot of muscle spasms.
      – Sometimes just some time for a husband to talk with his wife and listen to her heart and listen to what is on her mind – time for her to feel “emotionally connected” makes a HUGE difference.
      – If a wife is exhausted, it is going to be difficult for her to come up with all of the energy required to “turn on.” She may need more sleep!
      – A lot of wives do best if they know that they have at least 30 minutes to 1 hour to spend with their husbands for a time of intimacy, so that they do not feel rushed. Feeling rushed or being afraid of lack of privacy is not conducive to a woman’s ability to desire intimacy.
      – If a wife is very stressed and overwhelmed, it can be difficult for her to “shut down all the windows that are open on her computer desktop” to be able to focus on intimacy.
      – Many wives are turned on by their ears – words of love, romantic, genuine words can do a lot for many wives – that is why women are so much more interested in romantic books. We fall in love with our ears and hearts – that is the pathway, many times, to a woman’s sexual desire.

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