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Can a Wife “Overdo” Biblical Submission? – By Nikka

2011

By my dear friend and sister in Christ, Nikka, from the Philippines. You can find her blog at www.peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com

Let me begin this post by saying that I am an “ALL or NOTHING” person.

My husband usually teases me that I may be “bi-polar”.

I  am either TOO HAPPY or TOO SAD.

I am either TOO INTENSE or TOO UNPLUGGED.

I either LIKE something or HATE something.

I have to give it my 100% best or I don’t give it my time of day.

There is usually no middle ground with me.

I am awful at MODERATION.

Trying to find a BALANCE is an art that I am constantly trying to master.

So, given this “character flaw”, can I overdo this submission bit?

Can a wife overdo submission?

The answer is YES.

A wife can overdo submission and cross over to being a DOORMAT.

Photo Credits: Classy Career Girl

Thank God, I do not desire to be anybody’s foot rug, so on this particular important life-changing decision, if I am to err, I will err on the side of caution — caution against being an abused wife.

First, let us define some terms once more.

Biblical Submission, according to reason4living.com  is:

“… an act of the will — it is the result of a choice, a decision.  The act of submission can only come from a choice that a person makes.  Submission cannot be enforced upon a person.  Either a person submits of their own free will or they do not submit at all.  Submission is a gift that one person chooses to give to another person.  By contrast oppression is the act of extracting something from a person against their will.  Submission and oppression are, therefore, opposite qualities of a relationship and not even remotely similar.
With 3rd baby, Reuben

The submission of a godly wife is a glorious thing that is intended to help her and her husband to have a contented life together.  Problems in life and in marriage are more or less inevitable but when a woman is submissive to her man it is much more likely that those problems can be resolved harmoniously, without unpleasant quarrelling and without bitterness and resentment.  Those people who look down on biblical submission as if it were something demeaning, degrading or humiliating are merely showing that they have no understanding of what biblical submission is and that they are quite ignorant of its power.

If you are a Christian wife who has been feeling uncomfortable with the Biblical command that you submit to your husband, then I hope these statements have perked up your interest and given you a glimpse of the bright cheerfulness ahead. Being submissive to your husband does not mean that you should be an empty-headed bimbo, or that you should have no opinions of your own, or that you should be like a doormat.
If you are a Christian husband I hope that you will take care to understand the nature of submission and be careful to understand your responsibilities in response to your wife’s submission to you.  A submissive wife is not a justification for an abusive husband. God commands men to love their wives with the same kind of love that he [God] gave to his people … that’s a pretty tough assignment to give a mortal man and it doesn’t include the possibility of abuse.”
(Italics and bold letters are mine.)
Family Picture – 2010

Sadly, I was one of those “ignorant detractors of submission.” I did not have any godly role models to follow and no godly marriages to pattern my own marriage from, that’s why “submission” to me was an alien, scary and outdated concept.

Had I known then what I knew now, I would have saved myself from a LOT of heartache in our nine years as husband and wife. Three of those years from 2009 to 2011 were the most difficult emotionally. They were when I was most controlling and my heart was at its “fullest” in terms of bitterness, resentment, fear and fault-finding. 🙁

What then is a DOORMAT?

According to Merriam-Webster.com a doormat is:

– one that submits without protest to abuse or indignities or
– someone who is treated badly by other people and does not complain

Photo Credits: Ann Cutting 

April explains it well in her blog post on “Doormats Don’t Glorify God Either”. I will share with you an excerpt of that article:

“It is true that being bossy, condescending, controlling, scolding, critical, negative, nagging, argumentative, contentious, etc… as a wife is extremely dishonoring to God.  But having NO thoughts, NO opinions, NO dreams, NO feelings, NO input, NO personality, NO contributions to the marriage and family as a wife  – well, that doesn’t honor God either!

To label being a slave or doormat as being a ”submissive wife” will also repel many people from the gospel of Christ!  A wife MUST be her own full, strong, vibrant person in order to properly complete and complement her man!  There may be specific situations where we keep our thoughts to ourselves and allow our husbands to make decisions on his own – we must be sensitive to God’s Spirit, of course.  But most of the time, our input is extremely valuable in our marriages – it is our motivations, and our respect for God and our husbands that are the key.”
(Italics are mine.)

Photo Credits: The Snooze Letter

To add, Nancy Leigh de Moss, author of ‘Lies Women Believe’ wrote that there are four LIES ABOUT SUBMISSION.

Lie Number 1: “The wife is inferior to her husband.”

The Scripture teaches that both the man and the woman are created in the image of God, both have equal value before God, and both are privileged to be subjects of His redeeming Grace through repentance and faith (Genesis 1:27Galatians 3:281 Peter 3:7) The responsibility of the wife to submit to her husband’s authority does not make her any less valuable or significant than her husband.


Lie Number 2: “As head of his wife, the husband is permitted to be harsh or dictatorial with his wife.”

Husbands are commanded to love their wives as they love themselves, in the same selfless, sacrificing, serving way that the Lord Jesus loved His Church and laid down His life for it (Ephesians 5:25-29)

Nikka and Dong – Dec 2010

Lie Number 3: “The wife is not to provide input or express her opinions to her husband.”

God created the woman to be a “helper suitable” to her husband. That means, he needs her help. He needs the input and insight she is able to bring in various situations. It also means that once a wife has graciously and humbly expressed her heart on the matter, if her husband chooses to act contrary to her counsel, she must be willing to back off and trust God with the consequences of her husband’s decision.

Lie Number 4: “The husband is always right.”

The apostle Peter specifically addresses women whose husbands “do not believe the word.” The husband may be unsaved, or he may be disobedient to God in some area(s)of his life. According to 1 Peter 3:1, the number one means of influencing such a husband is not through tearful pleading, irresistible logic, or persistent reminders; rather, it is through the power of submission:

                                             1 Peter 3:1-2

3 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
8 months pregnant with our 3rd –  March 2010

So, to the question, can a wife overdo submission, the answer is a resounding YES.

Can a husband overdo dominance? The answer is YES too.

7 months pregnant with our 2nd -2007

To somebody like me who is an ALL or NOTHING sort of gal and who finds it hard to stay on middle ground, you might think that now that I am being submissive, I might risk becoming ‘TOO SUBMISSIVE.’

One good thing, I think, from being used to getting my way AND being bossy (hehe), is that I couldn’t for the life of me imagine having no opinion, no say, no input on anything. I have never been a doormat and I am not going to start now. 🙂

But to those wives who are more passive than aggressive, who may have problems with self-esteem, of questioning authority or of simply speaking their mind, I pray that you find it in yourself to come out of your shell and be that significant other of your husbands. You are significant! You are important! Your thoughts and feelings matter!

If you have given up your influence on your marriage, you might want to read April’s post on that. She gives some practical tips on how to move from becoming a DOORMAT to becoming a wife who MATTERS to her husband. Click the link here.

I guess in life, for us to be able to function at our most comfortable and healthy level, one really has to find the right BALANCE. That, I am learning now as a former controlling and now converted peaceful wife. 😉

There is one passage though in the Bible, wherein being neither here nor there is considered contemptible, and that is with regards to our FAITH.

http://sfodan.wordpress.com

                                                      Revelations 3:16
So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

                                    Rebelasyon 3:16

Kaya sapagka’t ikaw ay malahininga, at hindi mainit o malamig man, ay isusuka kita sa aking bibig.

(For a more detailed explanation on this verse from Revelations, please click this.)

Finally, and here, I am overjoyed to know that I can use my ALL or NOTHING nature to its maximum capacity – giving it my ALL rather than NOTHING….

I can go OVERBOARD with my LOVE FOR GOD! 🙂  

Photo Credits: Framed Art



               Matthew 22:37
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

                   MATEO 22:37

At sinabi sa kaniya, Iibigin mo ang Panginoon mong Dios ng buong puso mo, at ng buong kaluluwa mo, at ng buong pagiisip mo.

This one I can NEVER overdo. 🙂

This one I can give my 110% best! 🙂

Photo Credits: Nice Ideas For All

May we all be richly blessed! 🙂

RELATED:

I Don’t Want to Lose My Voice in My Marriage!

Biblical Submission Does Not = the Husband Is Always “Right”

The Powerful Concept of Submitting Under Protest – Part 1

The Powerful Concept of Submitting Under Protest – Part 2

39 thoughts on “Can a Wife “Overdo” Biblical Submission? – By Nikka

  1. Absolutely brilliant
    Plus I loved the pictures scattered within
    She has a lovely family.
    God continue to bless your marriage.
    And I love the ending… Yup u can give your ALL in loving God and it won’t even be enough.
    Lovely lovely lovely.
    I always say the man who really LOVES his wifey would have a Submissive and respectful wife. A woman who submits to hubby would get a super loveable hubby. Like the chicken and the egg, none comes first…
    E’

    1. Hi E! 🙂

      Thanks for the compliments. 🙂

      Yes, we can never overdo our Love for God. I can really go overboard on that and still it won’t ever be enough! 🙂

      I am enjoying our marriage so much nowadays. Dong who has always been a sweetheart to me, is even more loving and sweet towards me since I submitted to him. Now on my 5th month in the respect journey, our lives are so peaceful and joyful that I cannot thank God enough for changing my heart and giving me a new spirit.

      I hope more wives can experience this. The peace is out of this world! Truly, only Christ can give this. 🙂

      God bless you E!:)

      Nikka

    2. E’,
      So true – a wife’s respect and honor motivates her husband’s love. His love motivates her respect and honor… it is a beautiful cycle. 🙂 Thanks for your comment. I love Nikka’s posts and pictures, too! 🙂

  2. Nikka, I really enjoyed your reasoning on these scriptures regarding submission. What good sense godly wisdom makes in our lives! Misunderstanding results in loss of self-identity within marriage, and a woman should always let her real self SHINE. No woman should ever lose herself or give up her influence in the family, and no man wants an empty shell of a “yes woman” for a wife. It would be the same as not having a life partner at all! Thank you again for a great post.

    1. Hi Elizabeth! 🙂

      Just last night, my husband and I were discussing about submission and he said, ” I would not like a wife who does not have any thoughts on anything and would just say “yes” to all I say. What would I “gain” from such a relationship? I want somebody who is my “equal”, who helps me become a better person…”

      Biblical Submission in no way makes us inferior to our husbands. It allows us to still be “equal” in terms of essence and worth with them, but different in terms of roles (we are their helpers, they are our leaders). Just embracing these God-given roles makes marriage not only more peaceful, but much more fulfilling as well. 🙂

      Thanks for the compliment! 🙂

      God bless you, sister in Christ.

      Nikka

  3. Good post. You made some great points. I know my mother believed that submission was equal to being a doormat. As a result, she was completely controlling to her husband, and mocked me for MY views on submission. I just started following your blog, but I look forward to reading more! 🙂

    1. Hi Meagan! 🙂

      I believe majority of people nowadays think that “submission = doormat”. I know because I used to think, previous to my conviction, that submission was only for old fuddy-duddy couples who lived long enough to reach these modern times, but were really from the Jurasssic period!

      When the Lord convicted me of my sins in September last year, He instilled a great desire in my heart to submit to Him fully, and afterwards, submit too to my husband Dong. Doing so required a great deal of humility and emptying of self. But when I asked for forgiveness from Him for my mountains of sins, I was really emptied out by God. When my spiritual eyes were opened, I saw my “real” self — prideful, self-righteous, judgmental, etc…. Every single filthy sin was exposed then thrown away. It was painful to watch but oh so necessary for my spirit! That is, what I think is meant, to be “poor in spirit.” When I was emptied out of my “full-of-self-love and prideful self”, was when when He created a new “me” and gave me a “peaceful and joyful spirit” in place of the worrisome and depressive Nikka. 🙂 Wow! I am still amazed every day!!! 🙂

      Now, I am still wary to use the word “submission” to just about anybody when I am witnessing to others about my journey now. It can and will still draw wide-eyed stares and knee-jerk condemnation from most “independent women”, but I still do it because it is such a rich and beautiful secret not to share to the world! 🙂

      How I wish your mom would experience your joy and peace too. Maybe in time, she would also realize it on her own when she sees how peaceful and wonderful your own marriage is. 🙂 Looking forward to that! 🙂

      Thanks for taking time to read my posts. 🙂

      God bless you!

      Nikka

    2. Meagan,

      It’s great to meet you!
      It will be difficult to find a lot of women who will support a godly wife’s decision to obey God’s Word and honor her husband’s leadership and respect her husband, sadly. Here’s a post about that – maybe it will be helpful. Do Not Expect Outside Support.

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for your walk with Christ and your marriage. 🙂

  4. Something I have found very ironic in my own marriage, has been that my wife tends to be more of a doormat for people outside of our marriage, while struggling with submission within our marriage. I do not mean this to imply she is not committed to submission in a godly way-She is. It’s just that she tells me on her own that she sees this as a problem, primarily at work. It’s sort of ironic to me that in the process of women being “liberated” that have more and more become enslaved to their bosses, and the opinion of other women, who in reality have no real concern for them. At the same time ignoring their husbands which on a human level, let alone as a Christian husband, have a vested interest in their welfare.

    1. That’s very insightful, Ted. I know I have done that very thing. You’re right – it is VERY ironic. If it means anything, I think the reasoning behind it is just our comfort with our husbands. Kind of like little kids who are really good at school, grandma’s, neighbors, etc. and then come home and are holy terrors. We just know you love us and you are a safe place to be our ugly selves. . . .sorry.

    2. Hi Ted C! 🙂

      I agree with fallenshort. I was like that too before my conviction. 🙁

      I remember Dong would always tell me, “Why is it that my opinion only counts when another one has “second-the-motioned” it?” Or, “Why is it that you value so-and-so’s thoughts on the matter more than you do mine?” It seemed back in the day, everybody’s opinion mattered more than my husband’s, even strangers’!

      Not because I did not love my husband or thought his views unimportant. It was just that I have always known that even at my “worst” behavior, Dong would understand and love me. I felt “safe” to show him my ugliest self. He was the only one anyway who would love me, “warts and all.”

      But, that was really unfair. 🙁

      I put on my “best” self for everyone — smily, sweet, cheerful — at the workplace, with friends, for strangers in the grocery (!)… but when I came home to him, I put on my “real” self — tired, grumpy, depressed, worried, etc.

      I think it comes from not really being full of Christ’s Spirit, Ted. I was living a life of deceptions (oppressed by the Evil One) and false placements of worth (people-pleasing tendencies to the hilt!). When I asked for forgiveness for my sins from God and was given a new self, was when I found my MOST AUTHENTIC SELF. 🙂

      Sorry for what you are going through. 🙁 As in my experience, I could not really open up my spiritual eyes even if I pried them with toothpicks. Only God can do that. Before God did that for me, I was blind for so long. 🙁

      Praying for enlightenment for your wife and for Christ to reign in your home.

      God bless you!

      Nikka

      1. That’s so true Nikki. I never realized that I only consider Mark’s opinion when someone else validates it. I had not realized that particular thing hurt him and made him feel like he was of no value to me. In my defense, his ideas have not always been “stellar”. And his opinions about family life are very different from mine. He learned how to be a husband and father from his dad. His dad is not exactly someone I would want to model my life after. So sometimes I cannot agree on his family values because they are frankly a bit screwed up..

        Rather than argue with him lately about screwed up values or harmful opinions I’ve taken to “sicking the Holy Spirit” on him. 🙂 i.e. praying that he really feels it when he’s being an unreasonable jerk. It seems to work most of the time I just have to remember to be quick to forgive him and not bring it up again. In fact today I had to pray for the Holy Spirit to “go get him” because he was ranting about every little thing. And suddenly in the middle of his rant he blurted out “And I never know how to tell you I’m sorry when I yell at you for no reason!”.. He was even surprised it left his mouth… True story! It was awesomeness..

        But this was very well written. I agree with 100% of this posting. I particularly like the definition of a doormat and the submission lie list. It sort reads like “Top Ten Ways to know You are being a Doormat”. April’s blog about Doormat’s don’t glorify God either is very good. Most of what I read about submitting to or being subject to our husbands specifically talks about “not” becoming a doormat or being too submissive.

        Gail

        1. Hi Gail!!!

          I miss you! You and your crack-me-up comments! 🙂

          Your “sicking the Holy Spirit” actions seem to be producing “supernatural” results! That is how powerful God is! I laughed out loud at Mark’s surprised reaction at his out-of-nowhere apology. I think he never knew What hit him. 😀

          I dare say you will never be a doormat, Gail. 😉 You are just too full of life and vigor and funny comments that perhaps run a mile-a-minute in your thoughts alone. 🙂 You are a true example of Christians not coming in a “one-size-fits-all” package. Thanks for sharing your insights. It really was awesome! 🙂

          Nikka

        2. Gail,

          I’m so glad you are trusting God to work on Him – He is much better at being Deity than we are, that is FOR SURE! 🙂

          I LOVE what he said in the middle of being angry. THAT MAKES ME LAUGH SO HARD! PRAISE GOD!

          I’m glad that you are seeing that it hurts Mark when his opinion is not important to you. That is a great place to focus for awhile. His opinions don’t have to be “right” but they are important! 🙂

    3. Ted C,
      I have seen this many, many times. I used to be the same way, too. I talk about this a bit on my post about The Snare of People Pleasing (which is a form of idolatry – seeking the approval of others above the approval of God).

      Most of the time, when we are “people pleasers,” we seek the approval of those farthest away from us more than the approval of those closest to us. But we as wives seem especially to ignore the approval of our husbands in favor of the approval of others – which doesn’t make any biblical sense at all.

      This tendency to seek approval from friends and strangers who don’t have our best interests at heart can be extremely destructive. Ultimately, it is only God’s approval that we truly need. But – on a human level – our husband’s approval should be the one that matters most if we have our priorities straight.

      Thanks for the comment!

  5. In my case, submission actually led to my being more assertive (assertive, NOT aggressive). I was quite controlling before, but mostly in a passive-aggressive, manipulative way. I hated being like that but it was all I knew. Once I started trying to be more respectful on purpose, I realized the manipulation had to go – there’s nothing respectful about it. And once I began seeing myself as my husband’s helper, I realized I needed to step up and really HELP him, which included offering honest opinions and feelings when he needed them from me. So basically I had to grow up and start speaking my mind more.

    It feels much better to be straight-forward like this. And I know my husband appreciates my telling him what I honestly think and feel nowadays, instead of making him guess, like I often would before (and then giving him the silent treatment if he guessed wrong). Especially since I tell him what I think in a pleasant, respectful way :).

    1. Hi Liz! 🙂

      How wonderful! 🙂

      Embracing our God-ordained role (helper and supporter) just puts everything in perspective and allows us to have a very fulfilling relationship with our husbands, right?

      I love that you realized that in being ASSERTIVE, you have become a MORE EFFECTIVE helper to him than when you were keeping him in the dark with your thoughts but would pounce on him when he couldn’t “read” your non-verbal cues! It must have been frustrating for a non-mind-reader like him! 🙂

      God bless you!

      Nikka

    2. Liz,

      I LOVE hearing your take on this! That is so interesting. Yes, some women have to correct towards speaking up MORE if they have been too quiet. Others of us have to correct by speaking less, and, of course, by removing all the sinful motives and sinful thoughts and sources behind our speech and learning to use our speech to give life and build up our husbands (and everyone else in our lives, too!).

      Great comment! I am sure your husband is so happy now that you are sharing your heart and telling him what you think and want and need. It is really difficult for any of us to read someone’s mind!

  6. Great story! I too grew up without good role models of submission. My mom was a single Christian mother but she could do anything herself. I remember two friend’s mothers who were overly submissive to the point they were doormats and they seemed to be very unhappy women so I didn’t want to be that! They were not loving couples and the men could sometimes be mean.

    When I married my second husband, I said I wish I could be a stepford wife and be perfect all the time. I was still blaming myself for my first husband having multiple affairs and finally leaving. (I know now it was his problem not mine). Anyway, my husband said I don’t want that! I want you to have opinions! I don’t want you to be perfect! It took me almost 3 years to figure out how to do that and be submissive and I am sure I made him miserable most of the time trying to control everything so I wouldn’t be controlled. 🙁

    I am so thankful to be on the right track now!

    1. Hi Daisy Mae!

      It really is confusing in the beginning, especially since like you, I too had nobody to pattern my married life towards. I was actually very careful NOT to pattern my marriage with my parents’ because they were so unhappy. 🙁 They are both with our Creator now but when Mama was on her dying bed due to cancer in 1993, her last words to Papa were: “You love me after all…” — when Papa started giving her attention during her last months, after years of non-conversation and near neglect. Papa loved her so much but I think they reached a stone wall and nobody wanted to budge. They were at a standstill since that time. Nobody gave way.) I told myself I wanted to get married to somebody who loved me and who was a friend to me too. I got all that in Dong.

      However, though I knew what I did not want, I did not know what I really wanted. We had an egalitarian marriage for the most part being best friends, but studies would suggest, partnership marriages almost always become wife-led, and that was what we had before my conversion of heart. That was to be the most depressing period too of our married life, when I was “leading” the marriage. 🙁

      But, praise God! He convicted me of my many, many sins and opened up my spiritual eyes and I found April’s blog which further convinced me that the respect and Biblical submission journey was my right path. 🙂

      We are all in this together. It’s awkward at first, but one “gets the hang of it.” Nearly six months in, my behavior and thinking are not as “fake” or “alien” to me anymore and with constant dying to self,the Lord gives me the Grace to be humble and to follow my God-ordained leader every day. I also do not neglect prayer time. It’s so easy to forget Who we are submitting to, and just focus on the external action of “submission.”

      I am glad you are on the right track!!! 🙂 It makes life so much easier to live. All the yokes are easy. All the burdens are light. 🙂

      God bless you!

      Sincerely,

      Nikka

    2. DaisyMae,
      Many of us overshoot too much one way, then too far the other – it takes time to find that balance and to learn to walk in the power of God’s Spirit.

      I don’t know of ANY healthy husband who wants a wife with no opinions and no personality.

      I thank God for what He is doing in your life!!!!!!! 🙂

  7. I’m still trying to figure all of this out. I am afraid of disappointing my husband or that he won’t like what I say that it will make him feel bad so I say nothing. At the same time it is a weird dichotomy because he seems to need me so much. I will ask him to make a decision and he will ask what I want to do. I will tell him some of my thoughts but then he keeps asking. But I don’t know what the right answer is… especially if it has to do with his career. Shouldn’t he be making it. Or going out to eat. Or going on vacation. I get so tired of making all the plans. He doesn’t want to make them… He wants me to. But then he will ask why I chose this instead of that while we are one it. I’ve asked him to look over the plans. I understand he doesn’t have time to do that.. I just don’t know how to do this…

    1. Hi Elizabeth!

      I am getting the vibe that you feel frustrated and a bit disheartened because you are walking on eggshells with your husband, am I right? You do not know where to place yourself. On one hand, you do not want to share your heart with him because you are afraid of hurting his feelings and not saying the “right” thing. On the other hand, he asks you far more often than you find comfortable on the most mundane things or on matters that would be better with him deciding…. This sort of puts you between a rock and a hard place: ” Should I talk or not talk?”

      Maybe, you may use your “voice” to voice out your opinions on what is happening between you two. In a respectful tone and disposition, it might be to his advantage if he really heard you out. Like “Honey, I feel so much more secure and comfortable when it is you who makes the final decisions. I feel insecure when I do the deciding because I am afraid of not doing the right thing or of hurting you….” and see where it goes from there. When all else is confusing and muddled and hard to comprehend, the TRUTH is the simplest solution. Truth coupled with Love and lots of tact. 🙂 There are many ways to skin a cat, so use the least painful route.

      Don’t worry Elizabeth. We are all in this together. 🙂 Things get really awkward in the beginning but I assure you it will get better. There is no other way but up, especially if our sights are focused towards God. May He direct your path and enlighten your mind as to what is the best course of action.

      God bless you.

      Sincerely,

      Nikka

    2. It is dangerous to allow your husband abdicate his responsibility to you. After a while, you will bear all the mental, emotional and spiritual burden of the marriage while your husband does absolutely nothing. Some women fall into this trap early in their marriage but realise later on that they made a big mistake. The pressure becomes too great and they finally give up on the marriage not realising that they set themselves up to fail in the first place.
      You should begin to shift the responsibility for making decisions to your husband. Both of you should AGREE on what you want to do in the family, in your business, your finances and with your kids. And allow him make decisions unless you see that it will be detrimental to your marriage. If you don’t allow him to take make the tough decisions, you will have a serious problem to deal with in future.

      1. Hi praisegeorge!

        Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂

        Yes, I agree with you. I “led” our marriage from 2009 to 2011 and it was the worst time for our marriage. I was always stressed and my husband was always depressed. I never completely emasculated him (thank God he would not allow me!) but I sure was controlling and hard-headed. I thank God He changed me and my heart. Such a burden and responsibility was not designed for us women to carry. 🙁 I learned that the hard route.

        I praise God that He has opened up my spiritual eyes. Now, with a Godly-ordered marriage and with all eyes set towards Christ, our marriage has become such a blessing and we are experiencing peace and joy that we did not experience before. Praise God! 🙂

        Thanks again for dropping a line.

        God bless you.

        Sincerely,
        Nikka

    3. Elizabeth,

      It takes time for a husband to learn his mind and heart, especially if he has never led before. At first, I stopped telling Greg my views and opinions completely for awhile, just to give him a chance to decide what he thought for himself. But then I began to share my heart, desires and needs respectfully, softly and without pressure.

      Most husbands really do want to know where we want to go to eat. I don’t have a problem with a wife saying, “I’d really love some Italian food tonight!” if she wants some.

      But his career – now that is a whole different issue. I believe he needs to make that choice. You can support him. You can listen to him weigh the options. But, then I personally vote to express faith and confidence in him that God will give him wisdom to make the best choices himself.

      Check out From Clark Kent to Superman

      And “A Husband Answers a Wife – Why Won’t My Husband Lead?”

  8. Ok, I have never, ever, ever told my husband he was doing something wrong or in the wrong way. EVER. In fact, he does everything right. I even asked him not long ago if he ever felt disrespected by me and he said no that I was his biggest cheerleader. I asked him if I was a nag. He said no. He normally gives me several assignments to do each day and I make sure to get them done before I do my stuff.

    He has me plan all of the family vacations. I pay the bills. He makes the investment decisions. He works 90 hours a week or so, so he wants me to do it since he isn’t home. He also has me pray for him every morning out loud. I’ve asked him to pray for me, but he’s only done it once or twice… He didn’t even pray for me when I had surgery. I have tried to be the perfect wife and put on the happy face each and every day. But I’m tired… He has a really tough situation at work. I’ve sent him some encouraging Christian songs, scriptures that the Lord gave me during quiet times ( mostly encouraging Psalms.) He has really appreciated that. But I am so incredibly tired. I would like someone to pray for me. Encourage me. I don’t know how much longer I can hold him up… He looks to me like he is drowning.

    1. Oh and about his career…that is what I have done for the past 5 years..I’ve just listened to him and refused to make a decision. But he keeps pleading with me, what do you think I should do… The answer is I don’t have a clue…He seems in between a rock and a hard place and I don’t want to be responsible for telling him an incorrect answer… So I don’t. But he keeps asking.

  9. Will pray for you Elizabeth. I feel that you have so much on your plate. Seems to me he is giving you a lot of “tasks” which he thinks you are capable of handling but to you are quite burdensome already. When we are carrying loads that we are not supposed to carry, everything seems heavier than they really are. But, when we are carrying what is “perfect” for us, the yoke is easy and the burden is light.

    May you find in Christ the rest and peace that you need right now.

    God bless,

    Nikka

  10. Hallo Elizabeth!

    As a lady who works 60-90 hours a week (I work in the construction industry), I may be wrong, but I feel that he might be feeling exhausted and may be honestly seeking your opinion as his best friend on his career. These might be the thoughts sailing through his mind – If he left his job, how would he provide for you? If he stayed on the job, he is exhausted, and demoralised, and demotivated, and wants something better for the family…

    These hours are long, and he may not have time to carry out the tasks he is supposed to carry in the family so he tends to depends on you, and trusts that you do the best – I think if he didnt, he wouldn’t give you more tasks…

    May God give you wisdom to stand and support him even as you pray for Gods leading on career choices…

    Jam

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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