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Nikka’s 3rd Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband

An Interview With My Husband — 3rd Interview

Controlling Nikka with my sad husband Dong – Dec 2009

From my dear friend, Nikka.  Check out her blog at www.peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com  Nikka and I both write from the perspective of wives who used to be controlling and domineering, Type A personalities with passive husbands.  If that is not your situation, these posts may not be as helpful for you. But if you tend to be very take-charge and have a husband who tends to be passive – please listen to Nikka’s husband’s heart in this post and ask God to help you see if it could be possible that  your husband may feel a lot like he did.

———————–

In the ‘First Interview With My Husband‘, Dong admitted that during my most controlling years, he wanted to die because life seemed to have no meaning and he could not make me happy.

In the ‘Second Interview With My Husband’, Dong admitted that because of my controlling attitude which almost always led to me being restless and depressed about our circumstances, he felt like a failure because nothing made me happy.

I must be a sucker for heartache though because though my heart bled after I found out his true feelings in the first two interviews, I still interviewed him a third time. It was like I was bringing on the pain. He even asked, Do you peaceful wives have to do this? Is it required of you?” 

I said, “No. This one is for me. I am doing it for me. I need to hear this.”

Here then is my third interview with my husband.

Note: Most of the pictures I will use are from my very controlling period (between 2009 to 2011), the time when we had most of our arguments and emotional discussions. The bottom pics will be current with me already as a “peaceful wife”.

Nikka : Can I interview you again?

Dong: What? Di pa ba tapos yan? (Is it not over yet?)

I need to ask you some questions still. (I pull out my questionnaire. We both laugh.) 🙂

Nikka: You told me before that all of the decisions in the past were MY decisions. None of it was

With Therese in her VTR – 2009

yours. How did you feel about that, when I was leading the family and controlling everything?

Dong: Actually, I was not so hurt. I told myself I will just go along with what you wanted to happen. I just felt that my input had no value.

You always told me this: “You are always putting it in YOUR hands!”. What did this exactly mean and how did you feel towards me when I was at my most controlling behavior?

Asar. (Irked.) Yabang mo kasi. (You were so arrogant.) Minamaliit mo ako. (You were belittling me.)

(Editor’s Note: I was not aware I was belittling him at that time because I was not really saying my thoughts out loud. But actions do speak louder than words, and that was Dong’s love language — through actions. I was a “silent” nagger.)

How did you feel when I would seek your advice but not heed it, but when somebody else told me to do the exact same thing you advised me to do, I would immediately follow that person’s piece of advice?

I felt disrespected.

(Editor’s Note: This was the first time Dong said the “disrespected” word. He usually called it other things but it was the first time he called it for what it was. Loving passive husbands these days usually do not even know what disrespect is anymore. It just feels to them that they are being attacked. Most wives these days do not even know that they should respect their husbands or how that looks like.)

When we would get into our emotional discussions, there were times when you would suggest that maybe I was better off without you. It was always I who would say, “No. We should stick it out. We are in this “for better or for worse”.  Why did it even cross your mind to separate?

Dong with Andre – 2009

Too much disrespect. I had no intention to separate. I know that I was in it “for better or for worse”, but I could not find a solution to our problem.

(Editor’s Note: Our problem was I was most of the time restless and joyless for some unknown reason.)

To save myself from the situation, since I could not make you happy, I felt that it (separation) was the ONLY SOLUTION. I felt that most likely maiaangat ko naman ulit sarili ko outside of the situation. (I felt that most likely I could regain my sense of self outside of the situation.)



Despite our trials before, was there ever a time that you did not love me or did you always love me?

Kahit asar na asar, mahal talaga kita. (Even if I was very, very irritated with you, I still loved you.) The fact that there was resentment still did not change my love for you.

I never thought you were “better” than me as a person but you never failed to make me feel that,

8 months pregnant with our 3rd – 2009

and not just in money or capability. I was asking myself already, “Is my being too equal in treatment with you wrong?”, “Am I being a deterrent to our relationship?” because I have seen how some husbands treat their wives badly to make them (wives) respect them (husbands).

But that would be wrong!  Abusive and oppressive.

Yes. Exactly. For me, Golden Rule dapat. (For me, the Golden Rule should rule.) I also know respect should be earned and I cannot force respect from you.

(Editor’s Note: In this submission journey, I have learned that as a Christian wife, I must respect my husband unconditionally whether he deserves it or not, as the Lord commanded in Ephesians 5:22-24.)

How did you bear with me during those bleak times?

It was not that unbearable… but something happened to me in the process. I didn’t blame you for anything. It was MY decision. It was MY proposal for us to get married. But I sort of lost faith…

5 months pregnant with our 3rd – 2009

Did my controlling behavior and my lack of faith in you, affect your faith in God?

Yes. I lost faith. I “learned” from you that in order to be respected, you had to put everything in your hands. You cannot have “blind faith.” I used to have that, and you would always look down on me for it.

(Editor’s Note: Between me and Dong, in the beginning of our relationship, it was always Dong who was very hopeful and had much faith that things would work out for the best because God was in control. My controlling behavior and my desire to put things in my hands all the time, made him think that maybe his faith was not real after all, that something was wrong with him for not putting things in his hands.)

I am so sorry, honey. 🙁 Do you think you will have your (old) faith back? 🙁

The only way that I’d get it back is if something drastic will happen. If something so bad or something so good happens… I have lost faith in Man. I don’t know if I would get my faith back. 

At a sports event – 2010

How could you explain that my lack of faith in God  led to your lack of faith in God?

(Editor’s Note: I had much faith in myself, not in God. Proof of this was always putting things in my hands, and being controlling. I thought I was just being ‘efficient’. I was blind to my sins. I even thought I was deeply spiritual!)

Family of 5 – October 2010

We became one. I became one, too, with how YOU felt about things.

(Editor’s Note: I would always chide him for having so much faith in God but no outcome to show for his faith. 🙁 I would tell him that “Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa.” The Lord helps those who help themselves. I was really judgmental towards him then and thought him to be not doing his best. )

I am really sorry Honey. I didn’t know about this. You are still hopeful for the future, I hope? 🙁

Yes, hopeful. Good is good. I have my big doubts. Skeptical.. But it is only now that I am learning to have faith again.. I told you, you won’t like my answers. I would not tell you these, if you did not ask. I was keeping them to myself. I did not want to make you feel bad.


But I want to know, Honey. It’s okay. Thank you for telling me.


When I was listening and listing down my husband’s answers, my heart bled. 🙁 I had an inkling my controlling behavior affected my husband’s faith but I did not know just how badly I contributed to his losing faith, to the point of almost being agnostic now. 🙁

Controlling Nikka – 2010

I knew that my bragging to him about my great faith in God, but with no actions to show for it —  always morose, scared, depressed during those years, only maligned God’s Word. 🙁

I did not walk the talk. He was looking to me to see Christ, but not finding Him, made Dong conclude that religion, Christianity, and even the Bible were not to be trusted. He considered them “proof”  that they were all “gawa-gawa lang” (man-made).

                                      Matthew 5:16
16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

He said that I was not 100% at fault over his having lost his faith for a long time, but I know that I was mostly, hugely, gravely at fault. 🙁

I was not a godly wife. I only succeeded in bringing shame to God’s Word. So different from what God commanded for wives to do… 🙁

 Titus 2:5

“to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

He even lost the desire to go to weekly masses for those three years. And whereas before he would recite Psalm 91 by heart the moment he woke, up, I just one day noticed that he was not praying that nor any prayer anymore. 🙁

At our 3rd child, Reuben’s baptism – Oct 2010

I may not have single-handedly made him lose his faith, but I sure did everything during those dark years to make him lose faith in himself as a father and the leader of the home, which led to his losing faith little by little in our Heavenly Father.

I was arrogant, self-righteous, judgmental, condescending, negative, gloomy… and yet I never failed to tell him of my GREAT FAITH in God! What a fool I was!!! 🙁

He is answerable for his own walk with Christ and he would have to answer to God for his own sins, but it is true that since we were one, my lack of real faith (I had more faith in myself than in God) affected his own faith.

                                    Proverbs 22:24-25

24 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, 25 or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.

Thing is, we were more than just friends. We were husband and wife. We were one because of the sacrament of marriage. My constant turmoil and discontent and penchant for putting things in my hands led to him “learning my ways”. Before he knew it, he was already “ensnared.” Instead of me learning how to be faithful to God, he learned how to be faithless from me. It’s the case of “a rotten apple spoils the barrel.” I was the rotten apple. I spoiled him. I am so ashamed. 🙁

I thank the Lord for opening up my spiritual eyes to my mountains of sin. I thank the Lord for allowing me to repent for them and for forgiving me. I thank the Lord for giving me a chance to change. I thank the Lord for sharing with me this precious secret given to us wives, on how to experience true joy in marriage. I thank the Lord for giving me a husband, who despite my blatant disrespect and hard-headedness still loved me unconditionally though I disrespected him shamefully. 🙁 He did his part of the equation. I obviously didn’t. 🙁

Dec 2011
                                          Ephesians 5:22-33

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy,cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I am so grateful to the Lord because ever since the start of my submission journey, I have seen Him work in my life, in Dong’s life, in our lives. We are starting to go to church together again, with him sometimes initiating it even, whereas I would find myself alone in most Sundays in the past.

At our 4th child, Isabelle’s baptism – Dec 2013

I have also seen him happier now more than ever, and hugging me or complimenting me out of the blue. I also see him walking taller now and being more energized to make decisions for the family. It was in my submission that he has started becoming the man God wants him to be. It was in my stepping aside, that God found the space to talk to his heart.

At Therese’s Holy Communion – Dec 2013
Submitted wife and mother – January 24, 2014

All my negativity was hindering him from hearing God’s Voice. All my empty faith sharings, just made him detest me and the faith I was “falsely” propagating. I surely did not walk my talk. I preached what I did not practice. I maligned God’s Word. 🙁 I am forever repentant to God for that. I was so blind to my sins. 🙁

I see that there is so much hope for us now.

I feel God’s presence in our lives now.

Dec 2013

I cannot make Dong bring back his once solid faith in God. I have already done him much harm in the past with my actions. Forcing him to go back to his old faith would only do more harm than good. My being so dominant was what led him to start losing faith in the first place.

I too am not the Holy Spirit. Only God can make Dong seek Him again. And with me out of the picture, I am hopeful that the Lord will once again woo Dong to that kind of no-holds-barred faith he used to have, pre-me.

It is out of my hands now. I leave it all in God’s Able Hands. Him who loves my husband more than I do, and Who knew Dong even before he was born, will call him by name yet again…

However, I can practice one powerful secret that God has given to us wives who want our non-believing husbands to become believers in God (or in my case, to believe again fully in God), and that is through our godly lives.

                                         1 Peter 3:1-5

3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands,
I love my family. 🙂 — January 24, 2014
I love the Lord.
I love Dong.
I have let go and let God.
At this stage of my life, my greatest test to my faith is this: Am I willing to allow God to work in my life and to lead me, through my husband?

The answer is YES.

January 17, 2014
I pray that those in the same boat as I was may find it in their hearts to humble themselves and to follow God’s Great Design for Marriage. There is no peace and joy quite like it. I assure you, dear sisters… this kind of peace Christ gives is not of this world.
Our home is my ministry. Praise be to the good Lord for His Mercy and Love. – Sick Visitation at Dong’s Aunt’s house
January 2014
May we all be richly blessed! 🙂
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99 thoughts on “Nikka’s 3rd Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband

  1. Hi Nikka!

    This post was right on target with what I needed to hear this morning! Early in our marriage, my husband struggled greatly in his faith. And I could never understand why. He was raised in a Christian home by a very passive aggressive controlling mother and then he married me – a “wonderful, faith-filled Christian” young woman who could in no way understand his confusion(!) 🙁 I know now how dominant and controlling my own behavior was at that time 🙁 It makes me so sad to understand that his faith might have been directly destroyed by the two women who loved him most in this world.

    Thus far in my new journey (began Nov. 2013) I have not necessarily done much apologizing for big overall history issues. I’ve apologized (alot) on site for direct offenses at the time, but I’ve mostly been trying to simply let my light shine so he can see my good works and glorify my Father.

    This is a “conversation” (read: grovelling apology session) that I definitely intend on having with him. Please support me in prayer, as I will need the right words. (The tongue has not historically been my friend 🙁 ) . . . . .because I am a wretched, deceitful sinner who will likely be sinning against him in my heart while I apoligize with my words.

    Thank you, my friend, for sharing this important wake up call.

    1. Hi fallenshort! 🙂

      I will pray with you as you apologize to your husband. May you speak only what is kind and loving. May you ask for forgiveness without being defensive over your past actions. May this be the start of the healing of your marriage. The questions were hard to ask because it was like I was asking bringing on the pain. I knew it would be painful but I just needed to hear his answers. I am glad I did.

      Since this interview, Dong has been behaving differently in a good way. 🙂 Maybe it’s from bringing his pent-up emotions or secret thoughts out in the open. You know how the devil can use secret thoughts to taunt us when we do not bring them out to light? I think at the back of his mind, though he would not admit it, he was still wary of my submissiveness. When I asked him these questions with regards to his faith, all the hurt that have been buried for so long, were brought to fore and we had to relive those dark years we experienced when I was most controlling. It was painful. 🙁

      But after that incident, Dong unburdened with those heavy thoughts, seemed to me to be walking lighter, is happier and is talking about God more and more each day again.

      And the “something so bad has to happen in order for me to get my faith back” happened. His dad nearly died in the ICU just this weekend, a day AFTER this 3rd interview. As Catholics, Dong had to fetch a priest already for the Last Sacraments. It was that bad. His Dad suffered a mild heart attack and bad pneumonia. At his age of 78, that could have killed him but due to God’s Grace and Mercy and prayers, his Dad is back home again. Coincidence? I think not.

      “All things work together for good to those who trust in God and are called according to His Purpose”.

      I pray nobody has to get that sick or to die, in order for us to have faith in God. I pray we wives stick to our end of the equation, that is to respect our husbands so that we do not malign God’s Word and we glorify God in the process!

      Praying for you fallenshort,

      Love,

      Nikka

      1. Oh My! What a weekend! Those times are so scary, even when we are walking with our Lord through them. .I’m so glad that your FIL came through! I will pray for your family. Interesting how our words come back to us when we might not expect them. . .

        Thank you for responding to me and praying for us 🙂 I LOVE the image of your husband standing taller and walking lighter after relieving himself of the burden of pent up emotions he was carrying :)!!!! I pray that same victory over my husband – I would so love to see that in person:) I am realistic, though, about how painful this will likely be 🙁

        1. fallenshort,

          I pray you have your own ‘Interview with My husband’ in God’s Time. Just do what i did, if it would help you… Prepare for the worst. It would hurt,I assure you. Bite your tongue and just allow him to unload… Say sorry only when you mean it. Then, thank him for sharing his heart with you.

          Praying for you! 🙂

          Nikka

      2. Nikka,

        Wow!

        I am so glad Dong’s dad is ok. That was something really bad. And I agree, not a coincidence.

        I am SO glad you were able to ask Dong those important questions and that he felt safe enough with you to answer them.

        Greg and I were talking about the stages husbands go through when a wife begins to repent and learn to respect and submit. They have their own process, too. The first stage, in Greg’s mind, is skepticism. That can last a really long time, depending on how wounded a man is. It takes time and persistence and consistency on a wife’s part for her husband to believe this could be real and that it is not just a stage or a fad or some new method of control and manipulation.

        THANK YOU for sharing your journey and for the encouragement and godly wisdom you share with wives. Thank you for allowing Christ to shine through you. It is so obvious that it is all Him.

        Much love, my sweet friend!
        April

        1. I would LOVE to hear more about the stage’s a husband goes through if Greg would want to share more about them. Very interesting and helpful.

          1. Here is an informal interview I had with Greg, a Fellow Wife:

            Greg – talking about a husband…
            He wants to do everything he can for her.
            He wants her to be happy.

            When she honors him, it makes him more sensitive to what she wants and her feelings. How can he care about what she wants if she is disrespecting him?

            If you are looking at a clock, and every time he feels disrespected is like the clock setting back, every time he feels respected the clock goes forward, motivating him in the marriage.

            Were you ever tempted when I began to honor and respect you that you wanted to be hateful and mean to me?

            No

            Did you think, great, now I can do anything I want and I don’t have to consider her feelings at all?

            I don’t think I changed very many things about the way I treated you. I opened up more because I didn’t feel like the target. It didn’t mean that I went and did things with any abandon or recklessly. I didn’t have a leash (of your sheer control) on me. Afterward, we were still attached, but by something stronger (than the leash), trust. Some of the things I would have wanted weren’t as important once I felt respected. I didn’t need to look to other things as much for fulfillment.

            It took me about 3.5 years to feel safe. Was a gradual thing. There were many stages.

            1. When is the honeymoon going to be over and it’s going to be back to normal?

            2. I’m not sure about all these things, thy are a little quirky and kind of weird.

            3. It is kind of weird, but there are some positive aspects to it.

            4. She really seems to be doing this for the long term.

            How did you feel when I stepped down and stopped leading?”

            Decisions were kind of forced on me. I don’t know if it was bad or not, I didn’t have much choice.

            Things seemed like they needed to be done.

            These were building block type things to feeling like I could make decisions.

            When did you realize I was going to support your decisions?

            We were going to Charlotte, you were reading two books. That trip comes to mind, I realized you were serious and then I was willing to get you whatever book might help you farther. Proper care and feeding of husbands?

            You could have told me to work more – I had opportunities fall in my lap for more work every month for 5 months. But you didn’t ask me to. I was sure you would want me to work more if I had the chance. What happened?”

            I knew you wouldn’t be happy if I told you you had to work more.

            At the time, I believed you saw no value in me being at home and being with the kids and only valued me if I was making money.

            I valued all of those things, but I also valued paying bills and some ability to enjoy some luxuries in life and eating out occasionally.

            Why did you not tell me you valued me being home?

            In my mind it was because you are so adamantly screaming that you wanted to be home so badly. Affirming that didn’t seem to be the best thing to do. I didn’t like the idea of having a cold house in the winter and a hot house in the summer. When your hours were cut was a very traumatic time for me. Taking the (kids’ Christmas and birthday) presents back, for me, gifts are a real big thing. You had been working more. Things were starting to be great. Or finances were in good shape. We bought some new furniture. Then all that crashed down. Taking things back to the store was embarrassing to me. Then when you decided to be thankful, I thought, I am not ok. I am the worst provider and the worst husband. I am depressed and embarrassed. She thinks it’s a blessing that she is not working and it’s everything she wanted and she’s happy. All my positive thoughts and plans went kaput. It shook my faith. I felt you were praying to make us not have stuff by praying for us not to be materialistic. Praying for God to be against us.

          2. Whoa. That was a very difficult time for Greg too! Thanks for sharing this, April. I laughed out loud though over this:

            “Why did you not tell me you valued me being home?

            In my mind it was because you are so adamantly screaming that you wanted to be home so badly. Affirming that didn’t seem to be the best thing to do.”

            I just imagined you screamy and whiny… Sorry. 🙂 I pictured myself too is why I laughed. 🙂

            We have so many things to learn from each other! We are all in this together till we go back Home. God bless you and Greg.

            Nikka

          3. Nikka,

            I totally don’t blame you for laughing. 🙂

            I seriously believed Greg didn’t love me and only wanted me to make money and didn’t think I was valuable as a mom and a wife at home at all. I missed his heart completely. 🙁

  2. Wow. I just read all three interviews. I’m realizing what I’ve done to my husband, especially from this 3rd interview. He’s depressed and seems to have lost his faith also. He was also the one who had great faith that God would provide and things would work out and I would make him feel silly for it and tell him we needed to plan and prepare for ourselves to make sure things would be okay. I have wanted and tried to be the submissive wife, but I always fail when it comes down to it. Its so hard to put it into place each day, especially when he is so passive. I guess its really hard to understand practically what I need to do each day. Thank you for sharing this. I feel like if I asked my husband these questions, thats what he would say also. He is so depressed now and he’s distancing himself from me and I feel so hopeless in our marriage working out.

    1. Jean,
      I have dozens and dozens of posts about this issue. There is every reason for hope in Christ!!

      I am glad to walk beside you in this road. 🙂

      Check out the posts at the top of my home page and let’s talk some more.

      I am praying for you my sister!!!

      1. Thank you! I’ve always been encouraged by your ministry and have read quite a bit more from your site today. Like I said, I have major issues with implementing respect when it comes down to it. I’ve come away with the best intentions, only to blow it and feel so discouraged. There’s alot more to our story, but one thing I know for sure is that I need to work on me and I do need help.

        1. Jean,

          Learning respect was very much like learning a very foreign language for me. It took me two years to begin to have any clue what I was doing!?!

          I am right here and glad to talk with you about anything. I can’t promise I have all the answers. I don’t! But I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word and His wisdom. That is the key. 🙂

    2. Jean,

      Hi!Glad to ‘meet’ you! 🙂

      I could very well see myself in you. I always told him that he was not doing his best, that he should be a planner, that he should have goals! That his faith was not true because he was always saying “God will provide.”, “We will be alright.”, “Put it in God’s Hands.”…. and I would say, “You have blind faith! All you say is God will take care of us,but I don’t see any tangible proof that you are doing anything to make that possible!” I would even use teachings that I heard in church to counter his faith like, “Isn’t it that God has no Hands, no Feet, no Body here on earth and WE are His Hands, His Feet, His Body here. You need to do something! What you are doing is not enough.” or something to that effect. 🙁

      In fact, he was doing things for the family. He was providing in ways he knew how, given his introverted nature and at that time, low energy issues. But he was not doing it how I wanted it done, so to me, that did not count. 🙁

      Constantly barraging him about his faith led him to losing his faith. Being very dominant, he couldn’t make me do things his way. I was leading. Instead of him bringing me to faith, my controlling behavior affected him so much that even the very thing he was holding on to which was his strong faith, faltered little by little to the point of already losing it altogether.

      What is pathetic is I was getting happy with him realizing that he should not have that kind of solid faith in God, the type where you put everything in His Hands and you do not worry. When he was too happy, I was panicky! I was like, “Why are you not worrying about the future of our children?!” “You are too relaxed!” 🙁

      It’s awful how I professed to have a strong faith in God back then, but truly only had strong faith in MYSELF. 🙁

      I am glad though our experience is opening up the spiritual eyes of many wives in the same predicament as I was.

      I am hopeful that things are going to be better from now on. 🙂 I have died to myself and I would rather physically die now, than to go back to my former controlling, negative self.

      May God be with you as you tread this submissive route. We are all in this together! 🙂

      Love,

      Nikka

  3. Thank you for this post. I can identify with Dong’s thoughts and feelings. My wife’s domineering nature sucks the life from me emotionally, spiritually, socially, intellectually and physically.

    Emotionally she drains my by communicating to me both verbally and non-verbally that my feelings are wrong. The constant battle of having to prove that what I am feeling is legitimate just wears me down. As a result, I am very hesitant to share my emotions with her.

    Spiritually, she communicates to me that her ways are the right ways and that my perspective on spiritual truth and walking with the Lord is wrong or lacking. She devalues my relationship with the Lord because I experience Him through the word. She values prayer and the gifts of the Spirit more. She doesn’t see it as me being different from her but that I am wrong. I get spiritual life from personal study of the word, smaller group discussions, accountability and prayer. She gets life from large worship services and through worship music. Again, she communicates that her way is superior to mine.

    Socially, the strain of the regular conflict drains me. As an introvert, when I am drained, I need time alone to recharge. I don’t have the emotional energy to invest in relationships that I used to have. There have been numerous times where she has emotionally beat me up on the way to a gathering so that by the time we arrive, I am drained and need to recharge. She then puts me down for being withdrawn at these gatherings.

    Intellectually, I am an idea person. These could be on how to do things better or be more efficient. Other times they are on how to solve problems. I also have ideas about the Lord and ministry. Yet, whenever I share them with her she always pushes back and takes them apart as being wrong or unrealistic. This just shuts me down because it has communicated to me over the years that I am stupid and should keep them to myself.

    All of this drain on my soul has affected me physically too. The constant message I hear is to be quiet and don’t embarrass her.

    The cumulative effect of 20 plus years of being controlled and opposed is that her voice is constantly in my head accusing and condemning me. It causes me to second guess everything I do and to be very tentative on making decisions. I am always concerned about her reactions and having to explain myself. This makes it difficult to enjoy many things in life because her voice is there in my head questioning my actions, interactions, feelings and motives.

    The good news is that I can see how the Lord has been working in her life for the past 20 years to open her eyes and address her sin. Over the past couple of years, I think she is starting to see her sin and address it. We still have a long way to go. She still doesn’t feel safe to me but there is an inkling of change. This blog has helped me to address her sin objectively. Thank you for ministry.

    1. Joe,
      Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts here. They are very convicting for me. I feel very strongly that my husband would probably identify with your post if he read it and I am very very very very aplogetic, on behalf of women like myself and your wife, for the way you’ve been abused. It grieves my heart that we’ve treated our men this way.

      At the end of your post, I hear hope. I pray that you, and all of the men who can identify with what you’ve shared, are carried through on that hope to a place where you can press on. And continue to respond out of love for those of us women who fall very short of deserving it.

      Thank you very much for your words, brother.

      1. Fallenshort,

        Thank you for your response. I’m sure your husband will benefit from the journey you are on. I appreciate April’s challenge to us all to examine the sin in our lives and to repent. The beautiful thing about being in relationship with the Lord is that through repentance and forgiveness, restoration and healing can happen. That is my hope. I finally see my wife addressing her real sin and not her superficial sin.

      2. Fallenshort,

        AMEN!AMEN!

        I wish I could apologize for wives whose husbands feel this way, too. I know that most women whose husbands would relate to Joe’s feelings and Dong’s feelings have NO IDEA their husbands feel the way they do and would be MORTIFIED if they understood what was really happening.

        How I pray for God to open our eyes as Christian wives and for Him to bring us to repentance, that we might have healing in our marriages.

    2. Thank you for taking the time to do interviews with your husband, it’s eye opening to hear a husbands side of the story. It’s heartbreaking to think of the damage wives cause to husbands and to the potential relationship they could have with God. After reading this I’m going to make every effort I have to be a respectful wife for God and for my husband to be able to have eternal life. I never saw the seriousness of my disrespect. I could potentially be responsible for my husband not believing in God. Very sad

      1. Kara,
        This is VERY serious stuff, indeed.

        I am so glad it was helpful to hear a husband’s point of view.

        I know Greg had very similar feelings, too. 🙁

        Wives need to know these things! It groves my heart to know now how deeply I hurt Greg all those years – and I had NO clue. He never said a word, just shut down. I thought he was invincible and had no feelings. I was so very wrong.

      2. Hi Kara!

        Yes, it was heartbreaking. 🙁

        I do not want to be the cause of my husband not going to heaven! I was really repentant towards God when I realized the extent my controlling manners ruined Dong’s faith in Him. 🙁 Dong had the sort of childlike faith that believes that his Father will take care of him and that He has his back. Because we were ONE, as he mentioned in my interview, his faith waned because of my lack of faith. I had much faith in myself, not in God. 🙁

        God bless you as you walk with Christ in this journey. The submissive route is not popular these days but it is our (wives) road to salvation.

        Love,

        Nikka

    3. Joe,
      Thank you so much for sharing your perspective.

      Hearing another husband’s heart like this can be so eye opening for many wives.

      If you would allow me to, I would love to share this as a post.

      I totally respect your decision either way.

      I am glad you have been blessed by this blog.

      I pray for healing for your marriage. And for much wisdom for you as you seek to please Christ above all.

      I pray for healing for your soul.

      1. You always have the right to share anything that I post. This is a public forum so I share knowing that others may read my comments or that the may be reposted.

    4. To play Devil’s Advocate for a moment…

      Maybe we should examine what “communicates her ways are the right ways” means. Does her simply doing things differently communicate this? Does she lament that you don’t do things her way? Does criticize you verbally or non-verbally (e.g. sighing and eye-rolling) when you do things your way?

      I ask because it might be tempting for some wives to read this, think that engaging in their own spiritual practices is somehow disrespecting their husbands, and conclude that submission is therefore impossible.

      I am thankful that one thing I was solid about in entering marriage was my religious practice and faith. I could have been (and was) moved on many things, but my faith was not one of them.

      That being said, there are some things that I find hard to “sell” to younger people about marriage now than before. In particular, the notion that living a chaste life as a young person is a gateway to a happy marriage later. Not that I don’t believe in chastity, but I don’t want to sell young people a bill of goods.

      1. Hi Johnmcg,
        I think I understand what you mean but can you clarify “engaging in their own spiritual practices” for me?
        In my opinion, “communicates her ways are the right ways” most likely includes all of your examples and then some.. . .Unfortunately, I would hesitate to limit the description of a wife’s “creativity” here. . .

        1. I’m assuming everything is operating under the domain of the family’s chosen faith — not paganism vs. Christianity.

          If one spouse does quiet reading instead of (or in addition to) the other spouse’s preferred group Bible study, that need not be seen as a criticism of the other spouse’s preferred path.

      2. Johnmcg,

        Great point about clarifying what it means that she communicates her way is the right way.

        I do want women to be able to speak their hearts and minds respectfully and to have room to be different but not wrong, also.

        I would love to see plenty of grace offered in both directions, along with love and respect being shown in. It’s directions.

        Joe had explained his situation in more detail in the past, but it is true that not every reader may be familiar with what he is talking about specifically.

        1. Johnmcg,

          Chastity is certainly not popular today, but it is still God’s calling for His people. Obedience to God and abiding in Him does bring His blessings in ways that disobedience cannot.

          1. If I didn’t make it clear, I still believe in chastity, and that it is right to teach it to young people.

            It is just more difficult for me to teach it with the rationale that it will lead to a happy marriage.

          2. Hi John!

            Yes, I agree with you on that.:) I think it is really hard to teach the Generation I kids about a lot of virtues these days. In this Selfie generation, they are encouraged to be ‘selfish’ and to feel ‘famous’ due to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and the like. Social networks give a lot of instant gratification to the current generation. Therefore, waiting seems to be a killjoy and no fun at all.

            Chastity doesn’t lead to a happy marriage. The same way that loyalty does not lead to a happy marriage. We only find true joy in Christ alone. I mean, basing it from my experience with Dong… We were very “straight people” — did not have premarital sex, were very loyal to each other, very honest with each other — and still ended up nearly separating around 2010 because he could not cope with my depression due to my obsession with controlling things and events. At that time I was putting all things in my hands, not God’s Hands. My god was myself, though I didn’t know it at that time. 🙁

            All the good virtues do not translate to a happy marriage or a happy life. Focusing on being virtuous too much, sometimes even leads to disillusionment. We must be very discerning in separating the gifts from the Giver of the gifts. It is only in God do we find fulfillment. Everything else is just icing on the cake,so to speak. 🙂

          3. Johnmcg,

            True, only abiding in Christ and finding contentment and power in Him brings real satisfaction. Greg and I waited till we were married, but that didn’t guarantee us a happy marriage, either. I had so little understanding of God’s design for marriage, masculinity and femininity that I unknowingly began to sabotage our marriage within a week.

      3. Johnmc – I am very comfortable with my wife doing things different from me. She came from a legalistic background where everything was evaluated as being right, wrong, good and evil. There was very little room for things being wise or foolish; or good, better and best. There was little room for different expressions of faith. worship or service. Everything was boiled down to right and wrong. Therefore, whatever she is into at the time is ‘the right thing to do’. If I experience the Lord different from her, she views it as an issue of right and wrong. This becomes the basis for her criticizing or devaluing my walk with the Lord. She will criticize me for things I do and don’t do. She will also go on and on building a case for her exchanges with the Lord being the best and only way to commune with Him.

      4. Hi johnmcg!

        You are one of the blessed ones, for not wavering in your faith. 🙂

        Unfortunately, as most of the wives here could attest to, our dominant attitudes did more harm than good to our husbands’ faith. Being go-getters, driven, perfectionistic, opinionated Type A women, we are so used to getting our way, that our passive husbands had no choice but just to give way give in, and eventually give up on us, just to keep the peace. 🙁 I am thankful I realized my mistakes when I did. God is so good!

        As for chastity, there’s not much young people nowadays “buy” these days that are not of the instant gratification kind, but God’s Words are not really popular. It seems stifling and no fun at all. 🙂 This submission route for us wives, included. But there is much to be gained by following His Teachings. I think we should not stop sharing that with the children. I myself always tell my young kids (oldest is 9) that sex is beautiful and a gift from God, and that it should be done within marriage. They do not really know what S-E-X is (they think it is just kissing!) but this young, when they ask about what it is, we are already teaching them the truth about that.

        Thanks for your comments and insights! 🙂

        Nikka

    5. Hi Joe!

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the matter.

      It must be tiring “hearing her voice” constantly even when she is no longer speaking. 🙁 I suddenly imagined Dong listening to my “constant whining” in his ears and I felt sad.

      The reason he could no longer hear God’s Voice back then was because my voice was much louder. 🙁

      You are so blessed to still have kept at your faith. I pray that God opens your wife’s spiritual eyes and when that happens, may peace reign ever more in your home.

      God bless you!

      Nikka

    6. Just a thought about being in the word vs prayer and the “gifts of the spirit”. If what one is in communion with is really the Spirit of God, it will not contradict His clearly written word nor produce superiority and blatant disobedience such as treating one’s husband with contempt. Being in the presence of the Holy Spirit causes humility and deep gratitude, not spiritual elitism, and it also causes greater evidence of inward integrity and humility. In the bible, anytime anyone was in the presence of God it changed them for the better and often they wound up on their faces when it was a direct encounter. You are on the right track in your way of having a relationship with God. His word is reliable. I have the impression that your wife may be caught in the charismatic trap of trying to live on spiritual highs and good feelings that can be generated by worship music and positive messages. That’s like a diet of candy bars, it sounds good and feels good but has no real substance. The Spirit will speak to you through the word. That’s the testimony of much of the Christian church throughout the ages.

  4. Nikka, i feel very close to you reading my own story in yours. My husband used to say: “I can`t open my Bible because of you!” I used to think: “Nice excuse!” I would beg him to read the Bible with me and pray. But he just couldn`t… Now i understand why… Our recovery is a slow one, but praise to GOD we do grow by faith. GOD had to give me 4 kids to lay down the leader-position. With 2 kids i handled quite well, but i got so tired to lead with 4 kids and my husband all passive. Since i strife to be a peaceful wife the LORD does one miracle after another and my husband becomes the man GOD wants him to be…
    Fascinating post, Nikka! The value of this blog is indescribable. I am out here without any other support in that direction. I praise GOD for leading me to you here, April and Nikka! By the way i love how you, Nikka and your husband, are beaming in the recent pictures. Amazing!

    1. Hisgraceissufficient,

      I am so glad that God is using Nikka’s story and this blog to bless your walk with Christ and your marriage. What an incredible answer to my prayers. God is so very good!

      Thank you for sharing part of your story.

      When you are ready, maybe we can do a post about what God is doing in your life, too? 🙂

      Much love!
      April

    2. Hi Hisgraceissufficient37! 🙂

      As women with dominant personalities, we really have to learn to wait patiently. We have to learn to keep still. It is so easy to take back the reins just because our husbands seem “too slow.” Waiting on God and keeping our eyes focused on Him and really believing that He is leading us through our husbands, makes me keep still better. 🙂

      Thanks for the compliment! Yes, I agree, there’s a glow on our faces in the pictures. I believe it’s from finally being at peace with God. 🙂

      April’s blog is really a wealth of wisdom. I am very blessed to have found it too amidst so many sites and blogs here in the world wide web. 🙂

      Love,

      Nikka

  5. He looks like he has an inner joy now, you look more submissive, and you too look peaceful, keep it up! It will be nice if we are all our Huband’s crown!!!

  6. I did the same. Throughout our marriage and ministry, I was extremely disrespectful, negative, unhappy, etc. My husband had a strong faith, and I claimed the same. I was so righteous waking up early every morning to have my quiet time and pray. When he slowly started not doing his, I would “reprimand” him for it, or nag him. I have no doubt that my behavior had a huge part in destroying him 🙁
    My husband walked away from everything, including God. Here’s my question…unlike Nikka’s situation, my husband is not super quiet. I was going to say he’s not passive, but that’s not totally true, because he is in a place where he doesn’t want to be in charge of certain aspects of our lives (like finances).
    But he is demanding. He tells me what to do, or asks me to do things, and is also unappreciative for what I do do. He’s not in a place yet where he is seeking God, so of course isn’t in a place where he can love me.
    Any advice for this type of situation?

    1. Joyfulstander,

      God has some powerful advice – I Peter 3:1-6.

      That is the command. That is what will get through to a husband who is far from God.

      How my heart breaks that your husband walked away from God. Does he still live with you?

      What happens if you are pleasant and cooperative and appreciative of him and if you seek to bless him in a Romans 12:9-21 kind of way?

      Sending you a HUGE hug my precious sister!

      I have seen God break down walls even in situations like this. The secret is God’s Spirit has to be completely filling you up = your motives must be only to please Him and to get out of His way and to bless your husband – leaving the results in God’s hands. That is my suggestion – for whatever it is worth. 🙂

    2. joyfulstander,

      Have you been expressing admiration for the good things?
      How do you respond when he is unappreciative?

      Are you talking about the marriage much or about God or spiritual things?

      Have you read about disrespect and respect and biblical submission at the top of my home page?

      I am always glad to talk with you about anything! I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word and His power. 🙂

      1. He didn’t want to be married anymore and expressed not having love for me, and moved out. I was standing and praying for our marriage, and he moved back! Praise God! But he is still struggling. I don’t say this pridefully, but God convicted me and has completely changed me. Not that I don’t occasionally struggle, or mess up, but for the most part I am cheerful and positive. I’m respectful. I smile and laugh and joke and sing praise to Jesus! I compliment him and tell him how much I appreciate any thing he does, and how wonderful he is.
        He generally seems like he doesn’t want to be around me. If we’re with friends, he makes sure we’re not sitting next to each other. So I wonder if my approach should be to be more independent? But I know that’s such a fine line…it’s confusing!

        1. joyfulstander,

          He may need some space as he tries to figure out what is happening and to be sure you are not manipulating him. It can take a LONG, LONG time of a wife being a new creature in Christ before a husband believes it and feels safe – many months or even years.

          We are hear and happy to talk with you about anything!

          I am THRILLED that he came back! What a huge answer to prayer! 🙂

          I think you are wise not to talk about spiritual things or the marriage right now. I Peter 3:1-6 is your most powerful approach with God’s Spirit working in both of you. 🙂

          1. Thank you for the very helpful reminders! 1 Peter 3 was one of the first scriptures God gave me when this whole thing started. It’s crazy how quickly I get distracted from them!

          2. Joyfulstander,

            Yes – that particular scripture needs to be tattooed to the palms of our hands, doesn’t it? 🙂

            It can be our assignment for many years sometimes.

            Much love to you!

          3. Yes, I need to remember not to get discouraged from not setting immediate results. If I am thinking with long term in mind, the little things aren’t that important!

    3. Hi joyfulstander!

      Nice to ‘meet’ you! 🙂

      I think the years of disrespect got to him that is why he is now “rebelling” against you by being demanding. You are right in saying that Dong is the quiet type. If we didn’t get into really emotional arguments in the past, I would have thought him to be lacking in feelings. I even ‘enjoyed’ the heated discussions because it was the only way I could get to his inner thoughts…but even then, I still did not get it. 🙁 I was too full of myself so I couldn’t listen to him. I already had my pre-judgments even before he explained himself.

      Maybe your husband is ‘testing’ you to see if he is still the one wearing the pants in the relationship? Husbands sometimes do that just to bring back some of their lost dignity from having been disrespected so long. He probably is withholding even gratitude from you not because he is not thankful for your help but just because he is afraid that being nice to you might make you use that opportunity to be disrespectful again, I don’t know.

      Disrespect led your husband to “go away from God”, the same way my husband lost faith with my constant negativity. We now have to give them ample space… to rediscover themselves, their faith and their love for us.

      My husband bounced back so fast after this interview! Praise God! Already, miracles are happening before my very eyes. I guess, just bringing out in the open what has been hidden in the deepest recesses of one’s soul, contributes to that healing. He said he did not want to tell me of these things, but I asked. And when I did, it seemed as though he was in pain at first, but relieved and happy in the days after. The truth really does set all of us free. 🙂

      God bless you sis! We are all in this journey together! 🙂

      1. Thank you both Peaceful wives 🙂 Yes, at this point it’s hard to talk to him about anything other than surface things. If I bring up anything about marriage or God or ask accountability questions he gets angry and/or shuts down.

      2. Oh, and to add to the last comment, because of that, I’ve learned to be quiet. There are strongholds that I’m praying against, that I do not bring up to him. I know he is deceived. I try to speak only of pleasant things. And to add to my previous comment, he has noticed a difference in me. He said he wouldn’t have come back if he hasn’t!

        1. Yay! That’s wonderful to hear! 🙂

          I also did not talk about God or submission much to Dong in the beginning of my respect journey. I was afraid to turn him off. I too was quite quiet for a while. I couldn’t speak to anyone. I deactivated for good from Facebook. I withdrew from friends… I was just too shocked over the enormity of my sins. I was ashamed. 🙁 When I did find my voice back, I still did not overwhelm him with many words. I just let him in on my heart without saying too much. Even now, I let actions speak louder than words. That’s my husband’s love language. He always says that ‘talk is cheap.’ That’s why I am now abiding by 1 Peter 3:1-5. 🙂

          God bless you! 🙂

          1. Nikka,

            I did the same thing – backed away from everyone in my life and just focused on trying to figure out my sin, to repent, to get right with God and to learn what it meant to be a godly woman and wife.

          2. Ladies,

            I seem to have an email issue. I have sent many emails out the past few days in response to people and to my prayer team – but I am not sure anyone is receiving my emails. 🙁 I hope to try to get this corrected.

  7. “I felt that most likely I could regain my sense of self outside of the situation.”

    I’m going to make an assumption on the meaning/context of Dong’s statement:

    Even single, Christian men know what this feels like, because society, Church, and Christian women keep hammering all of us (men) with messages that “We (men) need to jump through every hoop and fulfill every single wish that they (women) put in front of us (men) “in order to prove our love” or “make them (women) happy,” and not only do the amount of obstacles we must overcome never end, but women always decide to remain unhappy anyway, and the result of our (men) choosing to run on this spinning hamster wheel of discontent leaves us (men) unhappy ourselves, because all our love, effort, and sacrifice seem wasted (come to nothing) if the woman we love is still not happy. But the worse part is that the longer we spend trying to appease all the wishes of women, the more we can forget how to discern what it is we really want in life ourselves, because, during this process, we effectively replace our own goals and desires with the goals and desires of the woman we are dating/married to. This “loss of self” is really bad for both men and women.

    I suppose it might be possible for some women to do the same?

    1. RG,

      Yes, this loss of self is definitely unhealthy – it is possible for a husband to make his wife’s happiness an idol – instead of seeking to please Christ first.

      Women also lose their sense of self when they make their husbands into idols – which often happens simultaneously with making SELF an idol.

      We can only find true contentment and our true, authentic self in Christ.

      I appreciate this description. That is so helpful, RG!

      1. RG,

        How I long to help get the message out to men and women that we are each responsible for our own emotions and happiness, that that real joy is only found in Christ.

        I can remember Greg telling me I was insatiable, that it didn’t matter how much he did for me, I would want more. He was right. I was discontent because I had self and him as idols. I expected him to meet needs that only Christ could meet.

        I am glad husbands want their wives to be happy and that men want to make women happy, but I wish that wasn’t their ultimate goal in life. And, I want to see women focusing on blessing their men, too. Not to be responsible for their happiness, but to please and honor Christ.

      2. Churches and Pastors keep repeating the same “You just need to love her more!,” phrase to men whenever women are unhappy, and so men could easily believe they are “pleasing Christ first” by “loving her more.”

        By this, I mean that, in many Churches, men are taught that “Pleasing Christ” is nearly synonymous with “Placing others before yourself (especially women).” We are discouraged from placing our own goals and desires in life above whatever goals and desires other people might have (especially women), and to do so would be labeled “selfish.”

        Of course, men can’t “please Christ” by being “selfish,” and this is how men are taught Christian Feminism in Church: to subordinate our authority to women in the name of avoiding “selfishness.” Believe me, this “selfishness” is blamed and shamed in Churches as “displeasing to Christ.” We are constantly taught that “our role as men is to “serve” “as Christ” (by subordinating ourselves our plans, desires, goals, dreams, wishes to those of others, and especially women (really ALL women, even and especially sisters-in-Christ, “because that makes God REALLY happy”).)

        The primary teaching to men in many Churches is that it is “godly” for men to place themselves dead-last to ALL other people, and that doing so is “pleasing Christ” as a “Man-Up/Servant Leader.” Deferring ourselves to others/women, and especially sisters-in-Christ is actively encouraged. Refusal to do so is actively discouraged.

        I’ve seen and experienced this happening in multiple churches and denominations, and in different states.

        That’s why Church teaching can be very dangerous for Christian men, because they do teach that “loving her more” (subordinating ourselves to the desires/dreams/wishes of women) will make them “happy” (and “please Christ”) because we are “serving others”, when in fact the very opposite is true. Women want men to become more dominant (to lead), and that will (more likely) make them (somewhat) happier (or so the theory goes.)

        In Christian Feminism, men are always serving others “to please Christ” and are never taught how nor allowed to lead (except for a few naturally extroverted favorites who are shown preferential treatment).

        1. This is another lie of the devil. “That men have to serve us women.” or as Nancy Leigh de Moss wrote in her book ‘Lies Women Believe’: the lie that ‘MY HUSBAND IS SUPPOSED TO SERVE ME’
          Let me paraphrase:

          “In the past couple of decades, there has been a significant movement challenging men to become men of God, to love their wives and children and to express that love through sacrifice and service.

          But, in the midst of this emphasis, we women need to be careful that we do not lose sight of the primary roles God has given us to fulfill. In today’s evangelical world, it is politically correct to challenge men to go home and SERVE their wives. But, it is not politically correct to talk to women about their responsibility to serve their husbands.

          The Truth is that God did not make man to be a “helper” to the woman. He made the woman to be a “helper” to the man.

          The Truth is that we are never more like Jesus than when we are serving Him or others. There is no higher call than to be a servant.”

          So, RG, I guess what I am trying to point out is that it is wonderful that men are becoming selfless in serving us women. But, we women should not use this to abuse our men. We are not princesses to be served at our beck and call. We are servants, helpers, helpmeets to our husbands. Once we embrace this humble calling, we will not feel “oppressed” (as what feminists stress being submissive is all about) but joyful over the blessing that is serving our husbands. 🙂

    2. Hi RG!

      Lovely deduction you made there, thank you! 🙂

      Dong’s faith had always been strong. It was strong enough for us to battle a demonic possession I had when we were just boyfriend-girlfriend in 2003. The full blog post on that is in my site.

      He had always been the one to remind me that God is in control, that I should put it in God’s Able Hands, that I should not worry, etc…

      He was always the one with the deeper faith in God, although I was the more verbal one. (I was preachy.)

      It’s just that, and as he explained, by virtue of Marriage, we became ONE.

      My controlling, selfish behavior affected him. My refusal to submit to him, paralyzed him. In the end, he just gave up on me and allowed me to lead. I think there just came a point in his life when he started questioning God, if He really existed. Because, I guess in his mind, how can somebody who professes to be a Christian (me), act so godless? I was very negative, very fearful, always depressed, always anxious… and yet, I was getting all the big breaks in my career!

      In his mind, I think he put two-and-two together, that maybe my kind of faith (the putting in my hands type and my-will-is-God’s-Will type of faith) is the real faith. Not his no-holds-barred, give to-God -his-all-type of faith. It didn’t help that for all his efforts, he was still “not successful” in my eyes. He has done everything but to me, it still was not enough. It never would be enough. Like April, I was a bottomless pit of discontentment. 🙁 I did not even know why I was so unhappy!!

      Only in Christ do we find contentment. And it is only in dying to self that we find our most authentic self.

      And as wives, it is only through submission do we find joy and peace in our homes.

      Sigh. God is so good!

      Thanks for your insights again.:)

      Nikka

  8. NOTE- this comment is not directed at any one person, but is a general observation about many of the comments I have read on this and similar sites.

    This is a good place to bring up the point that when wives talk about their husbands “struggling” or maybe using terms like “behaving better”, they are risking slipping back to a state where they are positioning themselves as a superior, as the “adult” in the relationship, or judging their husband the way a parent would a child.

    There are as many pitfalls on the way out of a life of disrespect as there are when these women walked their way in.

    I would caution the ladies to be very careful with statements like “my husband is growing in the Lord” or “he is showing so much progress”.

    I’m not sure it is a wife’s place to judge this, especially when the wife has played a major part in causing the damage in the first place.

    Some reporting of improvements in the marriage is probably within the boundaries of respect, but these comments should always be tempered with a lot of humility.

    I will know a woman truly respects me when she speaks of me only in reverent tones, and does not subject my psyche, heart, and behavior to public dissection.

      1. Jack,
        I do want to mention, that Dong and Greg have given Nikka and myself permission to post what we are posting. But, I am very glad you mentioned this. I am certainly open to more discussion about this to be sure we aren’t inadvertently disrespecting our husbands as we seek to learn to respect them.

    1. Noted, Jack. That is a good point. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂 It really is so easy to fall into the trap of self-righteousness, so one should be wary at all times.

      Dong though gave me permission and it was actually his idea that I blog about these things, in the hope that dominant wives and passive, disrespected husbands realize the reason behind their marital woes. We were both unaware of our problem till the Lord convicted me of my sins in 2013. 🙁 Only when I was transformed did we both realize the reason for our unhappiness — my prideful behavior and unsubmissiveness.

      He asked me to write about my respect journey so married couples, especially Filipino couples (We are Filipino.), will find happiness in their union. So, even his progress and how my submission is changing not only me, but him, and our family has to be documented in the hope that those in similar situations will find hope in theirs.

      But, yes, I really think we can overdo even the documenting of their “progress”, so thank you for that important reminder.:) God bless!

      Nikka

  9. “We were both unaware of our problem till the Lord convicted me of my sins in 2013.”

    Do you mind sharing this transition? What sequence of, ideas, comments, realizations, emotions, and events brought you to a surrender and change in your heart?

    1. Hi RG!

      To answer your question…

      I was not aware that I had already become controlling, prideful and self-righteous. I thought I just became more responsible, more take-charge and more tolerant of his “bad” behavior.

      He was not aware that my lack of submissiveness was the cause of our marital woes. He thought it was just his “lack of direction, better plans or better ideas” for the family.

      It didn’t help that I would ask him what his plans were and if he didn’t answer soon enough, I would give up on him in frustration. So, he just let me do what I wanted to do basically, thinking that I was doing a good job at it anyway.

      We were “played” on both sides by the enemy.

      I was too full in my belief of myself as leader.
      He was too lacking in his belief in himself as leader.
      The reversal of roles led us to feeling restless, depressed, and unhappy. But we kept at it for quite a time to keep the “peace.”

      Till, surprise, surprise (!), I got pregnant in August 2012 and I had to slow down career-wise, especially after quitting my job 5 months pregnant from my broadcasting job due to personal disagreements with the management.

      It was to be a blessing in disguise because staying home for the early part of 2013 till I gave birth in April 2013, gave me lots of time to have introspection and to read on God’s Word. I became thirsty for His Word during my pregnancy and it would grow more after I had given birth.

      When I realized that the Lord had given us 4 kids already, I told myself, “There has got to be a reason the Lord gave us this 4th child even when we tried so hard to be ‘safe’.”

      That was when the Lord little by little changed my heart.

      First, it was just a desire to stop being afraid all the time of the future. (Working for the family left me more scared than secure. I felt like I was ‘masculated.’ Dong had his livelihood too but I was the one out of the house A LOT to work with weird hours.)

      Then, it was a desire to stay at home with our kids more, and to breastfeed exclusively our little one.

      Then, it was a desire to not lead anymore, but to just follow Dong’s leadership.

      Then, before my mind could process it one day I just blurted out, “Honey, I don’t want to work for the meantime. I just want to stay with the kids and stay home. I will just follow you…”

      He said, “No, you don’t need to work at all. Okay, I will handle it.”

      That was enough to break all my bondages the enemy had been chaining me with for so long.

      That was the little tiny opportunity for the Lord to speak to my heart.

      When I submitted to Dong, was the start of my conversion.

      The Lord little by little, then all at once opened up my spiritual eyes. I saw all the filth in my heart. I cried for days and couldn’t talk.I was so ashamed of myself and so humbled before Him.

      I gave myself up to God for good and promised to submit to my husband with His Help on September 1, 2013. There is no turning back. 🙂

      Thanks for allowing me to share my story. 🙂

      Godbless!

      Nikka

  10. That’s where 10 years of marriage have led me. I’m not a thug who rides roughshod over people, so I won’t attack my wife verbally or physically. But I’m also unable to escape my obligation to lead – and I wouldn’t want to, but nobody listens to me or follows my instructions.

    1. Sorry to hear that, Wild Man. 🙁

      Unfortunately, most marriages in the world are now wife-led. 🙁 I pray for healing in your marriage and for your wife to see the error of her ways. Only God can change hearts, and when He does, the results are liberating and truly amazing!

      God bless you.

      Nikka

  11. I cannot stop crying. As a matter of fact, I have now been deeply depressed for two days. It all started with a simple google search question about why my husband is ignoring me. You have told my story here… well the bad parts anyways, the beginning. I have done all this and WORSE to my husband. I have NO idea why he is still here. He is so kind… but I have just now seen how I have killed his spirit. I do not know what has happened to me. I have never felst such s sense of sorrow and regret and complete culpability. I have always blamed him. I have never blamed myself. And right now, it is as if a floodgate has been opened and I have perfectly clear vision into the nightmare I have made him live. And I thought I was such a good Christian, and he was not… Oh dear God. I am lost.

    1. Barbara F,

      I responded on your other post – and I am sure Nikka will respond as well – but I believe you are in the right place. I believe you will find healing and the abundant life of Christ here!

    2. Barbara F,

      I also have a YouTube video about apologizing to our husbands for our disrespect and control. My channel is “April Cassidy.” 🙂

      This is very overwhelming at first, I wanted to go live in a cave by myself for the rest of my life the first 3 days after God showed me my sin. It was EXCRUCIATINGLY painful!!!

      God continued to reveal more and more layers of sin to me. I just kept repenting and seeking Him. This is a LONG process. It is not an overnight thing. That is ok.

      I can tell from how you are feeling that you are genuinely sorrowful and repentant. That is AWESOME! That is being “poor in spirit” and it is where you have to be to start this journey, realizing that we are wretched sinners with no good in us and that we desperately need Christ.

      Sending you a huge hug!

      1. I have watched it three times. I can’t help but feel that my husband is going to be in such doubt. I don’t know if he will even believe that I am being sincere. I have apologized before, but we both knew I only did it to end the conversation and win. So sad. I am going to apologize to him tonight. I know this is going to take a long time to fix. I have been this way with this patient, loving, hardworking man for 10 years. I have to try, though. I can’t help but feel that if God led me here and opened my eyes to my sin, my sins, there is hope. Thank you so much.

    3. Hi Barbara F!

      I only found this comment now. How are you, dear sister? Are things better with your kind husband?
      I would love to hear about how your conviction by God has led to wonderful changes in your marriage. 🙂

      <3
      Nikka

  12. Some additional resources for wives whose husbands are sinning against them – you may search my home page for:

    – Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
    – 25 Ways to Respect Myself
    – Should I Stay or Should I Go?
    – Do I Condone Abuse?
    – Rage, Hatred, and Violence

    If you are experiencing emotional abuse, http://www.leslievernick.com may be a helpful site.

    If you are experiencing physical abuse – please check out http://www.thehotline.org

    If you feel that you can’t or shouldn’t confront your husband about sin, or that you just have to take abuse, please check out Nina Roesner’s eCourse Becoming a Woman of Strength and Dignity. http://ninaroesner.com/strength-dignity-ecourse/

    I don’t want anyone to be mistreated or abused in any way. Of course, all sin hurts others and hurts ourselves. All sin against others is abusive. Praying for God’s healing and wisdom for each of you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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