Insecurity seems to be a practically universal struggle for women.
We want security in our marriages, and – really, with other people, too. We want to know that we are lovable. We want to know that no matter what happens, those we love will still love us.
We want security in the love of our husbands, their ability to protect us, their ability to provide for us, their trustworthiness, our safety with them, etc…
When Greg and I took a class on the 7 Basic Needs of a Husband and the 7 Basic Needs of a Wife – our teacher said that the #1 basic need of a wife is “A wife needs the stability and direction of a husband who is functioning as the spiritual leader of his family.” I believe that another way of saying this is “security.” I think that is interesting, considering the wife represents the church in marriage and the husband represents Christ. Also interesting that the #1 need of a husband is “a wife who respects him for who he is as a man.”
Ideally, our husbands would be godly men in whom we could place our trust and confidence and they would never disappoint us. Trouble is, they are all human, and they will let us down at times.
Here is a little secret about real security for you.
If you try to find security in anything or anyone other than Jesus – you are going to be full of fear, anxiety and insecurity constantly!
Trust me… I have personally gone down that road way too many times.
Sometimes as women, we think we are honoring and serving Christ, but then we start to put our faith in other places, too – without consciously even realizing it. We start to look to other things/people to find our identity, to find our purpose, to feel safe and secure in our hearts. “If I could just have X, I would feel safe. I would be happy. I would feel secure.” Things like:
- self
- romance
- trying to be in control
- perfectionism
- people pleasing
- education
- high grades
- sports
- marriage
- sex
- our man to do what we want him to do (“If he would just do what I want, everything would be great!”)
- a man who never ever ever notices that there are any other beautiful women on the planet (“If I can keep him from seeing that woman at the next table, I can feel secure.”)
- my man’s sinlessness (even in his thought life – this is a HUGE idol for many women! “If I can just monitor his computer/phone all the time, and if I can watch to be sure he is not sinning at all, then I can feel secure. Then he won’t sin against me and I will be safe.”)
- children (“If only I had a child, then I would be able to be happy/content/fulfilled.”
- money
- a great career
- luxury
- a house
- a fancy car
- having certain friends
- popularity
- adventure/excitement
- partying
- drugs/alcohol
- escape
- fame
- beauty
- having a certain body shape/size
- being a godly wife, respect and submission can be idols if our goal is to control our husbands and we are not obeying God with the right motives to please Christ alone, we can even think God “owes” us if we think we are doing a “good enough” job and begin to demand that God do certain things for us in return – NOT GOOD!
The list could go on and on. What we are really doing here is – we are trying to fill a God-shaped hole in our hearts with things that will never satisfy us.
Worldly things cannot bring true contentment! God Himself makes sure of that! I am so thankful!
Only Jesus can truly satisfy the deepest needs and longings of our souls.
These other things can easily become idols that we put above Christ in our lives – these things can become more important to us than intimacy with Him. That is one HUGE problem! Idolatry breaks the most important commandment to have no other gods in our lives but to worship the One True Lord God and serve Him only. To God, when we put other things in His proper place of worship in our lives, and try to find our identity, purpose, fulfillment and contentment in those things – it is as if we are committing adultery on Him in a marriage covenant. But His covenant with us is even more sacred than a marriage covenant. This is SERIOUS stuff. Many times, we don’t even realize what we are doing! But there are some symptoms we can look for to tip us off.
SYMPTOMS OF INSECURITY – THAT WE MAY BE PUTTING SOMETHING ABOVE CHRIST IN OUR HEARTS AS AN IDOL:
- desperation for something other than Christ
- neediness towards the thing/person we idolize – thinking we MUST have that thing/that person to be happy!
- despair
- loss of joy
- anxiety, lack of peace (any sin can create this, and there can be other causes, too – but not trusting God but trusting self or something else, not living by faith in God does create huge anxiety!)
- depression (this is one cause for depression – it is not the only one!)
- fear (this is one of the causes of fear)
- willingness to sin to have the thing/person in which we place our trust, a willingness to go after our idol no matter what the cost to us or anyone else
- obsession
- extreme anger when someone attempts to take our idol away
- the things of God seem boring
- God’s Word does not spring to life when we read it
- a lack of ability to hear God’s voice
- disobedience to the Word of God
- comparing ourselves to others
- complaining
- arguing
- increasing sin
- a hardened heart to God
- lack of love for Christ, a heart that has grown cold towards Him
- pride that I know what is best
- discontentment
- bitterness
There are many more – but hopefully this will help us recognize what we are doing. Basically, our sinful nature is in control – but we are not getting the happiness we want and we become more and more sinful as we try to reach for that thing we think we have to have. It consumes us.
God designed us to find our identity, our purpose, our fulfillment, our strength, our refuge, our joy and peace in Him alone.
HE IS OUR LIFE!
HE IS OUR REWARD!
HE IS OUR IDENTITY!
HE IS OUR PURPOSE!
HE IS EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD!
When I see negative feelings, anger, jealousy, discontentment, greed in my soul – it is a big flag to check my motives and to look for idols in my heart. They must all be torn out by the root.
INSECURITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN
If we begin to feel very insecure with a man, it is often because we have taken our eyes off of Christ. It’s time to ask myself some hard questions in the light of God’s Word and His Spirit
- What is my purpose here?
- Why do I feel insecure? Is he sinning against me? Or am I trying to find security in him that I can really only find in Christ Jesus?
- What is the goal of my life?
- What do I believe I need to make me happy? Is it anything other than Jesus?
- Could I be putting this man above Christ in my heart?
- Am I expecting this man to meet needs that only Jesus can meet in my soul?
- Am I trying to please this man or this person above pleasing God?
- Am I seeking this person’s approval above God’s approval?
- Am I looking for reassurance that I am worthy of love in this human relationship?
- Where am I looking for my security?
- How is my communion with God?
sometimes we are insecure because our husbands sin against us. Sometimes we are insecure because we expect them to be Jesus to us in ways that no human could be. Sometimes we make our husbands into idols and expect them to be responsible for our joy and contentment. That is not right! Only Jesus can give us real, unshakable, joy and contentment.
WE HAVE NO REASON FOR INSECURITY IN CHRIST JESUS!
The way that we develop a godly, feminine, gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear (I Peter 3:4-6) is that we put our trust 100% in our sovereign God.
- THAT is how we can be at peace no matter what our circumstances.
- THAT is how we can be unshakable.
- THAT is how we don’t have to struggle with feeling insecure about our looks, our bodies, our abilities, our lovability or anything else.
THE THINGS TO FOCUS ON AS WE GROW IN OUR SECURITY AND FAITH IN CHRIST ARE:
WHAT DOES GOD’S WORD SAY ABOUT ME WHEN I DON’T HAVE CHRIST?
I’m sure that “self esteem” experts wouldn’t like what I am about to share. But, God says that we are all wretched sinners. How is that for boosting our self esteem?
- God says “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
- “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one… ruin and misery mark their ways, the way of peace they do not know. There is no fear of God before their eyes.” Romans 3:10-12, 16-18
- We are all image bearers of God. We were created to bring glory to God (Genesis 2). But we all became slaves to sin.
- We all deserve God’s wrath and judgment for our sin. (Romans 6:23)
- We can do nothing on our own to restore a right relationship with God. (Ephesians 2:8)
WHO AM I IN CHRIST?
Once I receive the gift that Jesus offers to me – where I accept that He took the wrath and punishment upon Himself for my sins that I deserved – and I accept that in total faith and trust in Him – He gives me a new life. He gives me a new identity. He gives me a new heart and mind and a new nature. He crucifies my sinful nature with Him on the cross. All things become new. I accept Him not only as my Savior – who saved me from the punishment God would have righteously given to me for my sin – but I accept Him as Lord. Now He is the Master. I am a slave to Him. I am free from sin and now I am a slave to righteousness!
Our security is found in Christ alone.
We’ll talk much more about these issues in the next post!!!!!
THIS is exciting stuff! 🙂
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Our Identity in Christ -THIS is My Security!
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