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Praying for Your Husband so that God Will Hear

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I used to pray earlier in our marriage – A LOT.

Sometimes I would pray for 4 hours at a time multiple times a week.  Seriously.

I thought that I could clearly see my husband’s faults and I would pray and pray that God would change him. I would beg God to let us pray together as a couple.  I would pray for God to cause my husband to lead spiritually (the way I thought he should, of course!). That is CLEARLY God’s will, right?

And then when it wouldn’t happen by that night, I would be angry.  Literally.  No answer in 8 hours?  That was unacceptable!  I had prayed for God’s will.  I was dumbfounded.

Why on earth wasn’t I seeing answers to my prayers?

1. I CHERISHED SIN IN MY HEART – A LOT OF SIN

If I had cherished sin in my heart,

the Lord would not have listened.  Psalm 66:18

Unfortunately:

  • I got hung up on being resentful.
  • I was awful at forgiveness.
  • I had let a root of bitterness grow into a full-fledged evil tree in my life.
  • I was rebellious against God’s Word – to forgive, to not be bitter, to submit to my husband, to respect my husband (even though I didn’t realize I was disrespectful and controlling)…
  • I was committing idolatry (wanting MY way, wanting to be in control, wanting to feel loved, expecting my husband to be Christ to me).
  • I was overflowing with pride.
  • I was VERY, VERY worried and anxious every waking moment – I did not trust my husband and I did not trust God.  I only trusted myself.
  • I was self-righteous – I thought I was so much more spiritually mature than my husband.

I didn’t just have a 2X4 in my eye, I had a FOREST. 🙁

I needed Jesus and His blood and forgiveness infinitely more than I had ever previously imagined!  Turns out that I am a wretched sinner in total desperation for Christ!  I really didn’t “get it” before!

2. I WOULDN’T FORGIVE, I CHERISHED RESENTMENT MORE THAN INTIMACY WITH CHRIST

Unforgiveness is a really big deal to God.  He counts it as a major sin.

If you forgive men when they sin against you,

your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive men their sins,

your father will not forgive your sins.  Matthew 6:14-15

3. I DID NOT HAVE PROPER RESPECT FOR GOD AND THE GOD-GIVEN AUTHORITY OF MY HUSBAND

I really believed in my heart that I knew better than my husband. And I lived as if I knew better than God, too, because I did not respect my husband’s God given spiritual authority over me and when I prayed to God about my husband.

I was disrespectful about my husband to God. I was trying to control God, too!  I treated God with the same disrespect and attempts to control that I used on my husband.  I was demanding and prideful to God, Himself.  I thought if I prayed hard enough and long enough, God would do what I wanted Him to do – He owed me.  Wrong!

As soon as God showed me my sin of disrespect and pride, I quit focusing on trying to change my husband and trying to control everyone around me and God and began focusing on all that God wanted to change in ME!  It turns out, there was more than enough sin in my own life to keep me VERY busy for a long, long time – despite my long-held (quite erroneous) beliefs that I was nearly perfect, always right, and knew better than everyone else what needed to be done in any given situation.

4. I WAS EXTREMELY PRIDEFUL

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.  James 4:6

God opposed me before.  My arrogance and pride was sky high.  I don’t know if pride is measurable, but, if it was, surely I was getting close to the limit of what is humanly possible.

I prayed with a spirit of judgment and criticism and condemnation against my husband.  I was just like the Pharisees.  I looked down on my husband instead of praying with humility and seeing the depths of my own sin clearly and seeing how much Jesus has forgiven me.

Now – I know God hears me.

And even more importantly – He allows me to hear HIM!

Many of the things I was praying for years ago were God’s will. I still pray a lot of the same things now that I used to. But now – I see prayers answered every day!  Not all of them have been answered yet – and that is ok.

Now, I trust God’s timing and His sovereignty to do what is best for me, my husband and His glory, by His power and in His timing.  Now – I see miracles happening and mountains being moved. Now I see the power of God unleashed and working in me and my husband!  And it is AWESOME!

The difference is that now – GOD has changed me by His power working in me to be:

  • PATIENT – If I have to wait until I am 80 years old and things don’t change until then, I am ok with that.  I wait on God’s timing and trust His wisdom and timing are much better than my own.  I used to be one of the most impatient people EVER.  But I have learned that when you wait on God – there will be  a lot of waiting.  The waiting on His timing is important, and He has plenty for me to do and learn in the meantime.  So, I wait – and I praise Him and serve Him while I wait.
  • HUMBLE – I totally get that I do NOT know better than God and that I very likely do NOT know better than my husband.  My own wisdom is foolishness, and God’s wisdom is wise.  I do NOT know best!!!!!!!! I am open to the idea that God will use my husband to lead me even when I don’t agree and can’t understand.  I don’t insist on my own way.  I don’t make demands.  I make respectful requests, and I understand the proper chain of authority:  God>Christ>my husband>me.  I don’t try to go around my husband’s authority to get what I want from God if my husband won’t give me what I desire like I used to.  I know that my husband can’t keep me from God’s will if I am obeying and trusting God.  And I also know that if I am rebelling against God’s commands for me as a wife, I can’t be in God’s will!
  • RESPECTFUL – I understand that God put my husband in spiritual authority over me. I trust God to use my husband to lead me and guide me. I respect the position of “husband” as the leadership position in our marriage (ordained by God in Ephesians 5:22-33) and yield to his leadership willingly and cheerfully. I know that I cannot be disrespectful of God’s agent of spiritual authority over my life and receive God’s blessings on my marriage. I trust that God can and will use my husband to accomplish His will – whether my husband is close to God or not. I thank God for my husband’s authority over me to protect me and care for me and I thank my husband frequently for his leadership and authority over me. I began thanking him for being the leader and authority in our marriage WAY before he began to lead.  I stepped down and waited as long as it took for him to be able to take the helm.  I didn’t rush him.  I didn’t take over when he didn’t move.  I waited.  A LOT.  And I waited patiently and cheerfully with great faith in God and in my husband.  One thing I did early on in this process was read I Corinthians 11, and began covering my head out of respect for my husband’s authority over me when I pray.  It’s not popular today to do this, I totally get that.  But it reminds me to have the proper respectful attitude towards my husband’s authority over me and towards God – and I need that!  I need all the help I can get with having a respectful attitude towards my husband and towards God.  I believe God honors our obedience even when no one else seems to be obeying Him.
  • STILL – I don’t try to make things happen the way I think they should anymore. I don’t insist on my way. If my husband makes a decision I disagree with, I tell him my position respectfully. I tell him my feelings. I pray about it. And I accept it and wait with great anticipation to see what God will do.  I am not panicking and freaking out  and trying to force things to happen the way I think they should.  God has given me a calm, peaceful, still spirit.  It is AMAZING!!!!!  I LOVE the power of His Spirit working in me and would do ANYTHING to have Him filling me up!!!
  • GRATEFUL – I thank God for everything I can think of! I thank my husband for everything I can think of, too!  Every day.  All day long.
  • JOYFUL – I love God with my whole heart! Obeying His Word has given me the most joy I have ever experienced in my life! I didn’t have joy when I was being disobedient to God’s commands for wives.  I look to Him for my strength, purpose and joy now – not my husband or my marriage.
  • PEACEFUL – I truly live in God’s peace daily now. This is all His power and His Spirit at work, it’s not something I can do on my own. I trust God. I trust my husband. I trust God to work through my husband even when my husband makes mistakes. The pressure is off. I rest in the love of God and the love of my husband. I know that I am not in charge, and it is a HUGE weight off of my shoulders!  I am not stressed anymore!  I am not worried anymore!  I am not lonely or despairing anymore.  THANK YOU, LORD!  I praise You for what You have done in my life!  SO many miracles!  I can never repay You, Jesus!
  • OBEDIENT – I desire to obey God in EVERYTHING. I have a willing spirit to obey Him and please Him. And I am cooperative with my husband’s leadership. I don’t rebel against his ideas or direction. I do know that if my husband asked me to do something that went against God’s Word, I would have to respectfully stand up to him and refuse to follow him. But so far, that hasn’t been an issue.
  • FULL OF PRAISE – I praise my husband.  I praise God.  I sing in my heart happily all day every day.  Just like God inhabits the praises of His people, I believe that husbands inhabit the praises of their wives.
  • SURRENDERED TO THE LORDSHIP OF CHRIST – I constantly check my heart and soul for any idols, and ask God to convict me – because I know that I can be so blind to sin.  I ask God to show me anything I am putting above my love and devotion for Christ. I am ready to tear anything out that is in that holy place that belongs to Him alone.  It has to go – without mercy – even good things cannot be in that place.  I MUST seek Jesus first WAY above everything else.   I lay down my own desires, my will, my wisdom, my purposes, my plans and my dreams and seek God’s will, His wisdom, His desires, His glory and His purposes.

WHAT INCREDIBLE CHANGES GOD HAS MADE IN ME!  I AM IN TOTAL AWE!

When God changes our hearts and we take off the old sinful self and put on the new woman we are in Christ – and are full of His Spirit and power – WOW!  THEN, we want to pray for God’s will, not our own.

And God purifies our motives.  It’s SO easy to have double motives or impure motives.

 Motives matter to God!

I must do the right thing for the right reasons to honor my Lord.  When my heart and motives are pure in His sight, and His Spirit is filling my life to overflowing, He hears and I can rest assured that He will answer my prayers for His glory and to accomplish His purposes in His timing.  There is no better place to be in all the world!

Lord,

I pray that other wives might find this freedom to live in Your peace and joy, too!  I pray that You might break the shackles of resentment, un-forgiveness, pride, idolatry, rebellion and anything that offends Your holiness.  I pray that we as wives might repent and seek You with our whole hearts!

I pray that we might learn to respect the leadership and authority of Jesus first and then also that we might learn to respect the God-given authority of our husbands.   Let us taste and see how good You are!  I pray that each precious wife who reads this might live in a spirit of humility, repentance, reverence and patience in Your presence and that they might see Your power at work in their marriages, too, for Your great glory!  I pray for Your will to be done – not our own.  We trust You with the outcomes – but we lay ourselves at Your feet and long only to know You and to obey You.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen!

38 thoughts on “Praying for Your Husband so that God Will Hear

  1. It is almost scary how much I have been the way you used to be. Nothing could happen quick enough to please me and I thought I knew all the answers better than anyone else…I knew exactly what God needed to do or have my husband do and I prayed for those things. Wow! It’s amazing to me how free I feel now that I have surrendered all to Him. It’s a feeling I have never ever had in my entire christian life. I actually can feel God telling me things, things that just come to me in this understanding that I can’t begin to even put into words. I enjoy reading your posts every day and every night. I’m getting very tired because I can’t go to sleep at night until I’ve read everything and processed it in my head and my heart. Then it seems like the next day, things just happen or I hear a song or a preacher on the radio on my way to work that reiterates what I’ve heard or been shown by the Lord. It is almost more than this body mind and spirit can take in.
    Thank you again for what you do on this blog. You have a great insight that is obviously inspired by the Holy Spirit and I am taking it in as fast as I can. I just can’t wait to see what happens in my marriage. I am like you, I am prepared to wait…no matter how long it takes and I know that when it happens, it will be better than it has been in 20 years.

    1. LearningToLean,

      There is only so much we can absorb at one time – that is frustrating! 🙂 But your heart is in EXACTLY the right place. When I see a wife with the eagerness to learn and humility to see her sin and see God opening her eyes as He is doing with you – it is the most exciting thing in the world to me. I know that God is giving you great faith in Him. And I know He is going to be doing huge things in you. Better hold on tight – you are in for the most amazing adventure of your life, my precious sister! 🙂

      Anything good in me is CLEARLY the work of God. You can see what I was like before – and how blind I was to all of my sin. I couldn’t even open my own eyes, much less change myself to be more godly.

      I am thrilled to be on this journey with you – I love hearing what God is showing you and teaching you. Your insights and “aha” moments along the way will also inspire many other wives.

      Isn’t God’s peace the most amazing thing! Isn’t having all that weight and burden off of your soul the greatest gift ever?!?! God’s Spirit is SO addictive. He is the only One who can satisfy our souls. He is the only source of contentment and true joy and peace. As the sin comes off – you get to actually hear His voice and experience His power and the more you experience, the more you trust Him and the more He does – it is the best thing, ever!

      You don’t lose power at all by doing things God’s way – you gain the power of heaven! Learning to embrace godly femininity and God’s design for marriage and His commands for us leads to abundant life – not oppression.

      You are a huge blessing! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing!

      1. Well like I said before, I carry my makeup with me because in the early morning when I’m alone in my car and I begin to pray and truly thank Him for letting me walk through this valley although at first it was the worst feeling in the world and the most painful thing I had ever experienced, He reveals something new to me and it’s for sure an ah ha! moment, one that always makes me pour my heart out to Him more and more and He tells me more and its not an audible voice of course but just as plain as if it were. He has given me visions in dreams even and I NEVER EVER dream. I’ve had two of those so far. At first I didn’t think I could be respectful just for the sake of not expecting a positive from my husband but the more He spoke to me the more I realized that I can and have and that is when the peace came. It’s amazing!

        1. LearningToLean,

          Yes – at first, seeing the weight of all that sin and the severity of it is staggering! And humiliating. And mortifying!

          But – it is the path to new life in Christ. It is the beginning of being “poor in spirit” – realizing how spiritually poverty stricken we are and how much we need Jesus and how much we owe Him. Then we see we have been forgiven MUCH – and then we are free to love MUCH! Then the dying to self and submitting fully to Christ comes – and that is painful! But then His supernatural peace and joy begins to flood our souls – streams of living water – and WOW! It is ALL TOTALLY WORTH IT!

          Much love!

          1. Yes it is true peace. Before I was able to understand all of this I was I was truly miserable all day every day…trying to figure out what I had done to make my husband totally withdraw from me..it was all I could think about. I would sit and cry..write him letters he absolutely did not want to read, he would say how much he hated seeing me so hurt and it was a sincere statement because he would have tears in his eyes. He would say he didn’t want me to leave and couldn’t imagine life without me in it but yet he didn’t have an explanation for why he felt this distance between us for so long and finally let me know. I really don’t think he knew why and kept telling me he was hoping to figure out that it was his exhaustion causing it all. I’m so thankful to the good Lord that he has people like you who have been there and put their story out here for us who can read it and think “this is exactly what is going on in MY life and marriage! ” Since I was enlightened and God has been ever so kind and revealed so much to me, I no longer fret and cry and obsess over anything and I mean anything! I’m happy all day every day, am sleeping like a baby for once I’m my life. This is also taking the strain off of him so God can work to heal his broken heart that I have destroyed. I’ve always been a caretaker type and look forward to helping other women who find themselves in this whirlwind..

          2. LearningtoLean,

            I would actually love to share this comment in a FB post on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page – what do you think? 🙂

            It is so important for women who are just beginning to have their eyes opened to God’s truth to be able to hear from other wives at each stage in this journey. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE what God is doing in you – it is so obviously a God thing.

            I had begged my husband to tell me what he needed from me for years. He never could. I was just like you – I had no idea I had anything to do with his withdrawal from me.

            Finding God’s truth and His design and dumping that MOUNTAIN of sin brought me such freedom, joy, peace and spiritual riches! I can’t keep this to myself! I HAVE to share it with my sisters in Christ. 🙂

  2. This is beautiful April reading this today has open my eyes once again through my joining with Christ 🙂 I’m bless to be part of this. Thanks for what you do god is good.

  3. I said “ouch” quite a bit as I read this. Only because I could have written (or could still be writing it in some areas!!). Thanks for sharing and being so transparent! It’s encouraging to know that there are others out there kind of like me!

    1. Moj8668,

      I thank God that He allows me to share. Without Him opening my eyes and showing me these things, I would still be exactly where I was those first 14+ years of our marriage – doing the same things, holding on to the same bitterness, resentment, pride and self-righteousness, convinced my husband was the problem and I was the best CHristian ever.

      YIKES!

      Much love to you! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!!!! 🙂

  4. April, how did u start thanking him for being leader and authority in ur marriage? What did u say or what did it look like? Did u just say it one day out of the blue ? Did it sound foreign to him? How did he respond? If any response:). Thank u for this blog today. Hope I can help me with any of these questions

    1. Carla,

      Well, I apologized for my disrespect in December of 2008 as soon as I saw it when I read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

      Then as I read more books and read God’s Word and struggled and prayed and prayed and sought God with all my heart – I realized that I had been trying to lead instead of following Greg. So, I stepped down and I began to thank him for being the God-given leader in our marriage. This was before he started leading at all. I would thank him maybe once a week or so for his leadership and for the fact that God gave him to me to be my leader. And I started talking to the children about that God made Daddy the leader, not Mama.

      Then I just waited. I would respectfully ask for what I wanted, and then leave it with Greg – and often, never bring it up ever again.

      Sometimes I waited a LONG, LONG, LONG time. Some things did not get done.

      But in time, Greg saw I was serious and realized that I wasn’t leading anymore and that I was just going to wait on him no matter how long it took. So he began to pick up the weight.

      You can read about his response here.

  5. April, I am printing this one off. I came into my morning bible study with a heavy heart, telling myself I will never be able to change into the positive, respectful, understanding, non-controlling wife that God wants me to be. I sat down thinking, how can I be in God’s word for nearly two hours every morning as well as prayer and walk out of here with the same attitudes and negativity towards my husband? I pray for God to change my heart and make me his instrument in my marriage and yet I’m not allowing him to. In certain areas, I have overcome but within the marriage realm, I haven’t. Therefore, like you said, I’m not right with God. I have this book, called The power of a praying wife that I use as a guide to pray for my husband every morning but I am now questioning my motives. This article isn’t a new revelation for me by any means. It has been a struggle my whole marriage. God continues to show me where I have to truly hand him the reigns and obey him by submitting to my husband- even when he isn’t walking with him. This is so HARD! This is where my pride comes in, I believe I know better because I am in God’s word and he isn’t. How can he make the right decisions and lead us how God wants to if he isn’t asking God and doesn’t know his truth? He has accepted Lord as Savior but unfortunately hasn’t fully accepted Christs work on the cross. I am sitting here feeling paralyzed now because I feel as if I can’t even pray nor get into God’s word because I’m not right and until my heart is where it should be, God can’t work. I am yet again at the same crossroads I have been too at least 3 times within 8 years. 🙁 Thank you for your wisdom. Hopefully, one of these days I will actually start applying these truths not just reading and printing.

    1. Ashley,

      I felt JUST like you did!

      What helped me were several key concepts that I just did not “get” before:

      – God’s sovereignty – I did not understand that God is truly sovereign over my life and my husband’s life. I did not believe He could change my husband or turn his heart or lead my husband. I thought my husband was “too far” from God to be able to hear His voice. Well… it turns out that my husband was far from God and wasn’t hearing His voice well – largely because all he could hear was MY voice. When I stopped the negativity, lecturing, criticizing, scolding, telling him what to do and stopped the controlling behavior and my contempt for him – he said it was like someone took the static off of the speaker with God’s voice. He began to hear God again. 🙂 Then, he said that when I began to add the positive things – praising the good in him, encouraging him, building him up, showing genuine faith in him, admiring his strengths – it was like someone added an amplifier to God’s voice.

      – God is able to lead his people through unbelievers – God turned the hearts of pagan kings to do His will all throughout scripture, and He is able to lead a believing wife through an unbelieving husband – or a weak/carnal Christian husband. We can trust that God is “so sovereign” that He can lead us in His will through our imperfect men. If our men ask us to clearly sin or condone sin – we cannot cooperate with that, we must respectfully resist. But if they are not asking us to clearly sin – we are walking in disobedience to God if we do not cooperate with their God-given leadership. We can ask for what we want and share our concerns respectfully – then ultimately, we trust God to lead them. Even when they make mistakes. We can be unshaken because God is able to use ALL things ultimately for our good (to make us more like Christ) and His glory.

      – humility – I had to realize that I don’t know better than God. Saying that I know better than my husband how to determine God’s will and how to lead the family goes against God’s commands for me as a wife. And, saying I was always right and my husband was always wrong was also extremely prideful. I had to realize that my husband does have wisdom to share with me and a unique masculine perspective that I need in my life.

      Motives are EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      For me, it takes writing out every motive and fear that I have and then comparing what I am saying to myself with Scripture and kicking out the lies and disobedient and sinful thoughts and clinging to Christ alone.

      I think today’s post, My Demon, may prove to be very helpful for you!

      If you want to talk about where you are getting stuck – I am right here and will be glad to hash through things with you! aprilc@sc.rr.com

      1. Oh April, love the static/amplifier description:. That is where I am at the moment…. being very quiet all the time to allow him to hear God’s voice. I love all that I am learning by being quiet enough for God to speak to me

        1. LearningToLean,

          It is an important phase… This quiet phase leads to wisdom, discretion and learning to stop disrespect. Then, you will begin to learn to add the positive, respectful things.

          I am so glad you are listening to God! There is no better place to be in the world!

    2. Dear Ashley,
      When I was exposed to my disrespectful sin I tried to b respectful to my hubby hoping I would see his love in return. I would get frustrated not seeing his love I had expected in return. So every few weeks we would have another “talk” about how I felt he was unloving /distant. It wasn’t til I got it thru my head after reading many peaceful wife blogs that I realized its not about hubby but about GOD! Wow. Doing and saying respectful things to my hubby as to my savior! Wow this took the expectations away- I have peace now that does require patience ( that’s the hard part). I’m in the middle of this process and its hard. I use to be so fearful of failing but I know I am sinful and Gods spirit in me is carrying me thru this time. God will change u if u continue to seek HIM

  6. “I had let a root of bitterness grow into a full-fledged evil tree in my life.”

    This could not have been a more accurate description of one particular area in my life! After many years of watering this tree, I finally trusted God to not only cut it down, but pull out the roots. I won’t lie, it was painful. It left me feeling open, exposed, vulnerable. I didn’t like it one bit. Now after days, weeks, & proud to say months of it being gone I have great freedom and peace. My only regret is that I didn’t trust God years ago to pull the root before it turned into a tree and wasted so much time. This isn’t to say that the root doesn’t try to take hold again, like any weed. It is a battle, sometimes almost daily. But God faithfully pulls it as soon as I let go.

    Sometimes I feel as though you have pulled back the curtain of my soul and are writing about my life! Thank you for your openness.

    1. Mel,

      Tearing out a bitterness tree is extremely painful! So is tearing out idols, dying to self and learning to fully submit to Christ.

      BUT SOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT! 🙂

      I agree, I, too, wish I had trusted God with all of this many, many years ago.

      Thankfully, God is able to use even my years of sin for His glory now. Nothing is wasted in His economy. 🙂 Because I lived this way, I am able to describe the transformation and many women can relate. God is SO GOOD!

      You are most welcome. God is willing to use me to share some of the most incredible spiritual riches of heaven – I am in awe of all He has done for me and there is nothing better than getting a front row seat to watch Him work miracles in other women’s lives. 🙂

      My prayer is that God will raise up at least one couple in every church around the world who lives His Word and understands His design for godly femininity and masculinity that they might teach the other believers. There are so few godly examples. I pray that God will cause THIS generation to rise up and become a godly generation – that we might teach the truth to our children and leave them God’s blessings instead of storing up more and more wrath.

      Thank you for sharing your heart! I know that what you have written will bless many other wives. It is a complete heart change and renovation of the soul and mind that God wants to do in us. It is the path to abundant life. 🙂

      Much love to you! 🙂

  7. Wow! What an awesome blog. It has really blessed me. God is showing me the impure motives in my heart and idols. It had never been hard for me to follow my hubby when I believed he was right but when I don’t know and disagree, it is so hard for me. I would use whatever tactic I could pull out of a hat to try to get him to see that I was right and we should do what I’m thinking was right.

    1. Nekiwa,

      When we don’t agree is definitely the test of submission. :). That is exactly what I used to do, try to explain and explain so my husband would see I was right and we would do what I wanted. Yikes!

      Thanks for sharing this journey with me!

  8. I enjoyed reading your perspective on this. I think as women who are strong and want their marriage and family to be strong often deal with some of the same issues you dealt with. We want to be in control, we think we are doing well, etc. But like you said those things can cause pride and disrespect if we are not careful.

    Thank you for your honest and openness!

  9. I can’t tell you how happy I am to find your blog. I had been praying for God to show me what I was doing wrong. I wanted love and affection and was throwing myself at him. I thought I was doing everything right but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Needy and insecure were just a couple of things that were the root of my problems. And finally I thought why not search for some godly wisdom on the internet? I wanted counsel that lined up with the word. I’ve been reading your blog for about 2 days and boy have my eyes been opened! Thank you and may God continue to bless this ministry.

    1. Sandy,

      What a huge answer to prayer! I pray daily that God might speak through me, I long to only share His truth and exalt Christ and His Word. I pray for Him to bring whomever He wants to read – and pray for His Spirit to speak to each heart.

      You may want to search the terms “security” and “insecurity” on my home page. There are many posts that I believe will bless you, your walk with Christ and your marriage.

      Let me know if you want to talk about anything! 🙂

  10. Hi April,
    Your description of what was going on in your heart and mind at the beginning of your journey sounds exactly like where I am at right now. Including the forest of bitterness part and cherishing the sin. My big struggle right now is with trusting God. I don’t think I really do and I get frustrated and discouraged when I cannot see God actively doing anything in my situation. However, God has spoken to me here and there along the way; the verse that says God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble for instance. Sure your prayer list is long but if you and anyone else on here would be willing to pray for me especially in the area of bitterness, unforgiveness and nasty vengefulness ( I tend to resent anyone who hurts or disrespects me and become very hurt, upset, angry resentful towards them; don’t have any real love for enemies), and also that God would grant me genuine repentance and humility, I would be so thankful.

    1. Patricia,
      I will pray for you right now!

      I completely relate to your description of bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment. I believe it was because I didn’t see my own sin very clearly at all. I didn’t think I really “was that bad of a sinner” for many years. I didn’t realize I owed very much to Jesus. Maybe I owed Him $200 or something. But when people sinned against me, I felt they owed me much more. When God opened my eyes to my sin, I suddenly realized I owed Him BILLIONS. Billions of dollars of “sin debt” for all my idolatry of self and of my husband and of being in control. For my constant pride and self-righteousness every waking moment for decades. For my constant resentment and bitterness every waking moment for decades. For my unforgiveness. For my lack of faith in God.

      These are HUGE sins. I can’t even count how many hours or days I spent engrossed in them every moment. I had no forgiveness, mercy and grace for others because I had not truly understood the depth of my own sin and my own debt to Jesus. Jesus said “He who has been forgiven much loves much.” I used to think that meant that I couldn’t love Jesus as much as some do because I had not had to be forgiven very much. YIKES! But I DID owe Jesus so much. His blood on the cross paid for a sum that I cannot begin to calculate in God’s holy sight. I HAVE been forgiven MUCH. Now, I am able to love much. And, I am able to extend the grace, mercy and forgiveness that Jesus gave to me to those who hurt me. Not by my power. I can do nothing good on my own. Only through the power of God’s Spirit living in me. But I had to be willing to give up my cherished sins because I had grieved God’s Spirit and He could not fill me because of my sin before.

      There are many posts here that I believe may bless you and help you on this journey. And, you may want to check out David Platt’s sermons at http://www.radical.net, as well.

      You are the one who can decide to genuinely repent and be humble. That is something that is in your control. But I will pray that God might help you see your sin as He does – exactly how nasty, filthy and wretched it is. And I pray that you might be willing to allow God’s Spirit to regenerate your heart, mind and soul, that you might be willing to completely submit to Him and allow Him to change anything He wants to in your life.

      Much love to you!

  11. Hi April,

    I’ve been reading your blog for the past couple of days and first I want to thank you and many of the other women who have added responses/comments to your posts.

    Second, I’d like to ask you to pray for my me, my husband and my marriage. I am a christian (although I have not been living close to Christ for many, many years), my husband is not. On November 8th of this year my husband told me that he thinks he wants a divorce. Oddly, I believe it is an answer to a very selfish prayer on my part. I can go into more detail later, but for tonight it is late and I just really needed to ask for prayer.

    1. SL,

      I’m so glad God has used the blog to bless you. That is an answer to many of my prayers! 🙂

      I think you will find a number of posts that will help tremendously during this difficult and painful time, my dear sister. I can refer you to some if you would like.

      I am praying for you both – for God to draw each of you to Himself and for healing for your marriage for His greatest glory!

      Much love!
      April

      1. Thank you for your prayers. Here’s the long version …

        My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years now and I honestly can’t remember the last time we were happy. I was in my early 40s when we got married. Before we were married we talked about having children if possible and both agreed that if it happened it happened, if not, at least we tried. My doctor said it was possible, but after we were married my husband made it clear that he did not want children. That conversation happened about 2 years into our marriage and I’ve resented him ever since.

        I began sleeping in a different room. He’s a gentleman, so he never tried to force me not to, he’d come in on weekends and wake me up by bringing the dog in and he’d subtly reach out to me. I shunned him every time until eventually he stopped. Then I felt hurt and neglected. We were living together as roommates at best. I was very lonely and I’m sure he was too. In the past couple of years, I’ve actually prayed that my husband would ask for a divorce. Well, on November 8th, that prayer was answered. Funny thing is, at that moment, I realized how much I love my husband.

        I know that my husband is shocked at my reaction – I was a little shocked myself. For me, it didn’t take long to realize I had brought this on myself. I hadn’t found your blog yet, but I was able to immediately see so many wrongs I had committed against my husband. Since it was hard for us to talk (both of us kept crying), I wrote him a letter and told him that I still loved him. I apologized for the wall of resentment I had put up and let him know that I hoped to work through this. There was more to the letter – I’m summarizing here.

        The letter made a bit of a difference, now he’s not sure what he wants and says he needs time. I asked him about going to counseling together and he said he didn’t think it would help. He says he still loves me, but feels like fixing our marriage is almost insurmountable.

        We stayed together in our house for about a week or so after that. I asked him about Thanksgiving and he said we would have separate Thanksgivings. After that I asked him if he would stay with his sister for a while because I felt like he wasn’t going to be able to figure his feelings out if we were still living together. Asking him to leave was really hard because, honestly, I didn’t want him to leave. He packed his things up the next day, said he loved me and left. He’s been gone for about 2 weeks now. He stops by to see the dog and check the mail. We’ve had some good conversations. We both agree that we’re still friends.

        In the meantime I’ve been reading your blog and realizing how horribly disrespectful I’ve been to my husband. He’s such a good guy and I’ve been subtly tearing him down for years. I just want to fall at his feet and ask him to forgive me over and over.

        I am realizing that God is using this trial to bring me to him (I’d like to say closer to him, but that implies that I’m already to some degree close with him). The day my husband said he wanted a divorce, I began spending real time reading my bible and praying. Previously I’d been reading a devotional my mom gave me for Christmas last year, but it was more as a rushed chore before I went to bed than anything else.

        Recently I came across this in one of your blogs:
        – First, I had to realize He was not my greatest desire.
        – Then, I had to realize that He was my greatest desire.

        I realize that God is not my greatest desire and I’m praying that He makes Himself my greatest desire. I know I need to love God above anything else, but honestly, at this moment I know I love my husband more. I’m trying very hard to lay my marriage at His feet. I give it over to Him daily, sometimes hourly and then I find myself trying to think of things to say to my husband next time I talk to him and I wonder what he’s doing, etc.

        I would love any suggestions you have for reading, prayer, things to avoid, actions to take, etc.

        Thank you for this blog, the Godly, loving wife that you are and for the Godly women that follow your blog and give loving feedback.

        1. sl,

          Perhaps you can apologize to him and acknowledge how you have hurt him without justifying it or excusing your behavior? For some examples, please check out “Apologizing Stories.” 🙂

          I can understand why you would have felt resentful that your husband didn’t mention until after marriage that he didn’t want children – and, obviously – your time to be able to conceive was extremely limited. I have some posts about a wife with a similar situation – you can search “GraceAlone” on my home page. Let me know what God speaks to you. 🙂

          I’m not sure that you really needed to ask him to leave – it seems to me that if he wanted to stay, that would be awesome – and you could focus on allowing God to change you to become the wife and woman He calls you to be.

          Some helpful posts:

          When Your Husband Says I’m Done
          Don’t Wait
          I’m not sure my husband loves me, how can I learn to be a godly wife?

          I’m SO THANKFUL you are turning to Christ! WOOHOO!!!! THAT IS AWESOME! And that you are open to allowing Him to transform you. 🙂 What a GOOD thing! It also sounds like you have humbled yourself and you are hearing God’s voice – so I know that He is going to do some amazing things in you, my precious sister!!!

          You may also want to search, “peaceful separated wife,” on my home page.

          Much love to you! Praying for God’s continued healing for you, and for God to bring your husband to Himself, and for reconciliation for your marriage.

          Another resource that may be helpful – http://www.forgivenwife.com

          1. One of the first things I did after my husband mentioned divorce was to apologize sincerely, without any justification. That was in the letter that, at least, changed his mind to not knowing what he wants.

            Perhaps asking him to move out was not a good idea, but I didn’t do it out of anger or control. I did it because I felt that living in the same house together would just seem like more of the same bad marriage to my husband. I did tell him he was welcome to come back as this was our house and also, that I missed him. He said it would be weird to move back until he knows what he wants and that he needs to be away from me to figure that out. That was about a week ago … tonight he told me that he’s found an apartment and asked if he could take our dog. Now it feels a bit permanent – although he says its a month to month lease and he’s renting furniture.

            I’ve read the posts listed in your response above – thank you for suggesting them. I’m still struggling with giving my marriage completely over to God. I know it’s ridiculous as it is a false sense of control. I keep going over in my head what I can say or do to make my husband want to come back, but the fact is, right now he doesn’t want to and he may never want to.

            I feel like I was making progress, but now I just feel a lonely kind of numbness.

            Please continue to pray for me, my walk with God and that my husband will be able to find clarity as to what he wants (hopefully reconciliation).

            Thank you,
            sl

          2. Suzanne,

            I am so sorry for the pain you are both in. I’m really glad that you apologized for what you are responsible for. And I’m glad that he changed to not knowing what he wants – that is an improvement!

            Yes, control is an illusion. It is hard to realize that. We can influence people – but we can’t control them. You can influence your husband to want to stay or leave – but ultimately that is his decision.

            How is your walk with God going at this point?

            What are your fears?

            Praying for God’s wisdom for you both, and for His healing for each of you individually and for your marriage.

            I pray you will take this painful time and lay it all at God’s feet and allow Him to teach and change you however He wants to – don’t waste a drop of this trial – absorb all of the treasures God has of you in the midst of it in your relationship with Christ and in how you relate to your husband.

            Much love!

  12. Hi April,

    I have been concerned about my husband and also trying to check my motives that’s why I came to this post…
    So I have decided to seperate from my husband. Not legal separation, not for divorce, but because I believe what he is doing is wrong and I can’t be around him right now and need to focus fully on Christ and give him time and space to hopefully spend with the Lord and think about his actions.

    My husband got a new job with an old friend. At first he was inviting his friend to bible study with him then they stopped going and I found out they smoked Marijuana at work one time and I freaked out on him. So he stopped telling me but apparently still “struggling” with it. I decided to take a more grace approach and tell him I’m praying for him and there for him and when I said that he told me he did feel convicted about it and wanted to change and wanted to please the lord.

    I found out that same night he told me that, he smoked weed with the same friend when I went to a Christmas party.

    My husband is a believer. He is a leader for our marriage. He only listens to Christian music. He never allows us to miss a Sunday at church and he serves our church. He also loves me unconditionally. Even when I yell at him about this he says listen I love you but I need to go to the other room. And then he will put on worship music and clean or go read his bible..

    When I brought it up another time, he told me the truth and said yes that at lunch break they smoked again. And that he has no conviction about it. That is just makes him calm down. That I am trying to control him and I need to stop and leave everything up to God. He says he does have a conviction about getting drunk but not one about smoking with this particular friend. He says that I have a plank in my eye am trying to take a spec out of his eye. But I am so disappointed and disgusted.

    So this final time, this last straw, he went to the friends house. He’s been close to him for a while and went to “visit the friends son” he was gone for 7 hours and when he came home I knew he was high. He had red eyes and a -headache- and was groggy. I was so upset I started nagging and telling him I am completely fed up. He then lied to me and told me he swears he didn’t smoke!! That he is just tired. And then when I checked his search history of “will weed give me a headache” I knew he lied. And he slept on the couch.
    I left this morning and said nothing to him and packed my bags. I am staying at a friends house for a few days and I am planning on not answering any texts or calls because I just need time and don’t trust myself to not act in love and grace or say encouraging words when I am upset the way I am, trying to forgive him.

    As soon as I got to work he text me and said “I love you I hope you have a good day today”

    I have not responded and also was able to spend much of my morning praying and repenting to God of my own sin. Asking God to break my own chains of fear and idols. And also help me with the bitterness I have towards his friend. I was able to worship God and for a time my mind was taken off my husband and placed on Christ and I already have a renewed spirit and just love focusing on Jesus who never disappoints. He is so amazing. I just needed to get away from my husband and shift my focus to the lord which is hard to do when my husband is doing what he’s doing.

    I just don’t understand how a Christian who loves Christ could say this is not a sin?! Also how could he put this in front of me and our marriage.
    I hope me being gone a few days will speak volumes to him. I am going to fast and pray the Lord will speak to him and deliver him!!! I know our God can do anything. Especially for his child who loves him. I pray he will open his eyes
    I am not expecting my husband to never fall and never sin, but I am just not going to be ok with him living in sin!!

    I do NOT want to divorce my husband, even if he never changed I don’t think I would want a divorce. I love him so so much and he loves me. We are just going through something.

    Besides what I’ve already said my plans are, do you have any advice for me April?

    I would love to hear your advice for me, if you have any. Thank you so much!

  13. I came across your blog today. I needed this… all of it. Can you tell me, when you realized all of this you were doing wrong, what did you do then? What steps dos you take. All of this realization seems so overwhelming to me. I first repent… then what? How do you keep from going back to bad habits? How do you keep from getting discouraged from not seeing results?

    1. Teresa,

      It is so great to meet you! 🙂 Welcome!

      Yes, this was totally overwhelming to me, too.

      What is your relationship with Christ? 🙂

      Some things you may want to search on my home page search bar:

      – apologizing stories
      – disrespect
      – respect
      – godly femininity
      – stages of this journey
      – hold things of this world loosely
      – fear
      – husband idol
      – expectations
      – filled with the Spirit
      – more to this than prayer

      I have tons of posts on these things, and I have a new book that goes through everything step by step The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord (April Cassidy). I also have a lot of Youtube videos on my channel, “April Cassidy,” about all of these issues, too.

      I’m so excited to see what God has in store for you to learn and how He will help you grow! 🙂

      Much love!

      1. Thanks for responding and the information. So much to review! I’ve been a Christian since I was a young girl, I’m 35 now. My prayer today was just asking God “what now.” Now that He has revealed some thing to me about myself and our marriage, what are the next steps. I plan to spend some time going through your website and I’ll also check out your book. Thanks again!

        1. Teresa,

          You are most welcome. Take your time and digest this stuff slowly and deeply, my dear sister. 🙂

          I’m here if you want to talk!

          Praying for God to direct your steps and to bring about His healing in your life and marriage. 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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