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246 thoughts on “"I Feel like I’m Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes"

  1. This is a lovely and wise response, April. So many women must struggle with this, including a number of beautiful, Christian, Jesus-loving and otherwise wise and gentle ladies. But sex is a gift from God, and as you say, we are not to withhold it from one another. Of course, some men need to express their desires in a less rough manner…but still, it’s the spirit of their offering we need to see and appreciate. I’m blessed with a sensitive husband. He’s all gentleness and sensuality in this regard, and we’re a good match in this department. It must be difficult for some women to lighten up under the burden of housework and family commitments, and all the difficulties and frustrations that come with marriage, but in my experience, a little indulgence goes a long way. And surprisingly, if we can ‘melt’ into our man and the moment, the results are usually just as delicious as us as they are for him. It’s a win-win situation. 🙂

    1. Missmin,
      Thanks for your comment. Yes, the more sensitive men and women can both be – the better the physical/emotional/spiritual connection can be. We just have to learn each other’s languages. They are very different!

      I appreciate the encouragement and support greatly! And so glad to hear that God is working so much in your marriage.

      And I completely agree with you about the melting. We end up enjoying the sex too! And we NEED it, too. There are many benefits that sex brings to us if we will make the time and focus on our husbands and ENJOY and RELAX! SO HARD FOR US!!!! BUT WORTH IT!

    2. Being married for over 25 yrs, I knew soon after my husband lusted after other women. The way he would treat me when he desired sex. All nice and sweet. But one other days when sex wasn’t involved, he’d verbally abuse me, I always gave myself to him. And knew the sex he wanted was with me, since I was the closet female around. I knew it in my heart. He mentally abused me, physically abused me. Told me I garbage after he would get what he wanted. After 15 yrs of marriage he had a spiritual encounter with God. I was so happy. Thinking and praying he will change his ways. It did for a while. He went to bible study pray groups, where there were women there. He would only ask for sex on those days, other days he wouldn’t even touch me. He started falsely accusing me of stuff I had no hand on. It was a smoke screen. On a special day, the baptism of our son we had a party for the family. I cooked cleaned, did everything I had to, to make it special for everyone. While dinner was being served, with enough help taking care of it. I decided to start prepping for dessert. The reason was I had 30 guest over. I went to the garage to get something and when I came back in I saw my husband and sister in law kissing. I was numb. I caught him. Instead of telling me honey do you need help with anything. He yelled and said what are you doing! In a evil voice. I replied I’m getting dessert ready honey. He didn’t care. I hate to say I noticed something else. In his evil lusting, let’s just say he was excited. It wasnst for me. So how does a wife help her husband does she enable m by giving herself to him. God knows it didn’t help him at all. It excelled it. Made it worse. Do I deny him with sex. Dammed if you do dammed if you don’t. I tried to help him. But the fact is he rejects me, hates me. Cause I am aware of his problem. He wants another female. Not wife not mother of his 6 children. Just a female. I going to counciling. After all the evil his caused, only Jesus can repair a broken heart. I’m seeking help. And going to healing masses. With pray and worship. I told him I’m so thankful for you. Because of you I’m closer to Jesus, then I’ve very been. He didn’t like that.

      1. Kathleen,

        Goodness! 🙁 my heart breaks for you. 🙁

        You are not responsible for your husband’s sin!!!! And you cannot change him. Jesus can heal you, yes. Are you still with him? Has he repented? Is he willing to go to counseling?

        I am glad you are seeking help. The issues here are serious and I believe it is wise to seek godly help.
        I pray for you both, for God to heal you and your marriage and make something beautiful from this!!

        1. Peaceful wife,
          I know I’m not, try telling him that. At one point in my life he made me believe I was responsible, so I give him what ever he wants, sex is the first thing. He wanted me to serve him, I had no problem with that but the way he treated me. After all the mental abuse. At my weakest time I told him I’m nobody with you, I’ll do everything you want. I’m trash, that’s what he told me, then one day he through that in my face. I told him ” I’m not trash! I’m am somebody I’m a daughter of God. Jesus loves me. He said I’m a disobedient wife. That a wife has to submit to her husband. I said well a man has to listen to God first. Lol that was a great day. What man destroys Jesus repairs. I love you Jesus. One day at a time wit Jesus. Some times I get so inspired to write a book, but don’t want the attention. It would tear my family apart. I would like to encourage women with faith not to give up. It’s evil trying to destroy families. He attacks the weakest one.

          1. Kathleen,

            What did the counselor suggest you do?

            The enemy does attack everyone who seeks to live for Christ, that is very true.

            How is your walk with Christ going now?

          2. He first had us together. When he did he asked short, simple no details. After I composed myself I was direct as possible, hurt, but direct. When asked my husband he diverted the question and had to convince the councilor that his with the church council and what books he read. Then he said enough. He had mentioned to us that after we’d have one on one sessions. I was the first, he told my husband to go pray in the chapel. After my husband left, tears rolled down my eyes he got up and gave me a tissue and hugged me and said I’m sry. He of course suggested I read the bible and start with palms. He said they are so comforting. He knows I didn’t want to divorce. But recommended to go to their healing mass. Confession, also have someone to talk to. He said don’t keep anything in. Whether with a priest, friend. It’s been a year since this ordeal happened. The hard part isn’t forgiving, the hard part is dealing with the ideas he has, on a ever day bases. It impacts the whole family. A home is where we should feel safe.

          3. Yeah he did say he had a problem with porn and earlier in his childhood he started masterbating non stop. Unfortunaly, he said he went to church but didn’t know it was wrong. When we got married, that behavior spilled into ours. He made me do some sexual things that made me uncoftable and knew in my heart that it was wrong. Little did I know that was Jesus. There was no control, I told him to stop. And he thought I was cheating, becaused of those things I caught a serious illness. I was 17 yrs old. I was a virgin. I knew morally that it was wrong, he didn’t. He had a bad, bad, bad temper. He hide everything very we’ll. I’m doing better thank you Jesus. I pray for him everyday. Hoping he will have a true encounter. I believe the one he had wasn’t from God. When A person has been enlighten with Christ, or encounter. They cannot be in mortal sin. You can’t serve 2 masters.

          4. Kathleen,

            It almost sounds like a sex addiction kind of thing? 🙁 so heartbreaking that this began when he was very young. Porn and compulsive masturbation permanently alter neurons in the brain much like using illicit drugs can. has help for sex addictions and porn addictions.

            I pray your husband can find healing in Christ and find the help he needs. I pray for you as well, to find a godly mentoring wife or Christian counselor who can help pray with you through this trial.

            I am so thankful you have Jesus. I pray you will draw nearer to Him and that He might girl you the wisdom, love, courage, strength and discernment you will need to know what God desires you to do.

            Much love to you! You are welcome here. 🙂

          5. Thank you so much peaceful wife! It’s a blessing just to talk about it. And of course the spiritual, emontional, and mental healing is so important. The mental abuse was so bad, that at one point, the ONLY reason keeping me from killing myself was Jesus Christ . He pulled me out of it. I am truly, truly, blessed that he loves me and has Great Plans for me. I know I’m loved by Christ.
            Ps. To everyone here, please know that the devil is a lier, and you will never be alone you have Jesus Christ as your savior. trust me he saved me! I love Jesus with all my heart and soul. Luv kat

          6. Yes! Big time, so bad that when we got married, he made me do some unthinkable things. I left so dirty. I felt so uncomfortable. Little did I know it was Jesus telling me that wrong. Our parish priest said in his homily, Jesus gave us a gift that gift is freedom, freedom to choose good or bad. I had always told him that, but he always said, your dumb hat do you know about the faith. Now I’m getting conformations that Jesus put in my heart. My heart was jumping for joy. With tears running down my face.

      2. Kathleen, I’m a guy and do not think for a second that your husbands behavior is normal. Your sister-in-law??? That’s messed up! They both need help big time! I think your husband needs to see a Christian counselor and you could probably benefit from the support too.

        1. yes Thank you, unfortunately he thinks his behavior is normal. One thing I have to say is when I was growing up, I was raised catholic, but we didn’t practice. But I truely believe what my family did goog for me was they put me in a catholic school. We went to mass every week, during lent we would do the stations of the cross. Being in the 3 or 4 the grade. I fell in love with Jesus. One station in particular really prepared me for what was to come. The sixth station when Veronica wiped the face of Jesus. I believe if I didn’t encounter that love. Seeing what my husband did before/after his conversation. It just made my faith stronger then before. I told him one day with that I’m thankful for him. He said why I told him because of you my faith in Jesus is so strong. That I can love you, serve you, forgive you for what you’ve done. Of course the enemy tried to throw dust. Now when the enemy tells me God hates sinners, I claimly tell him god loves sinners, Jesus died for us. I won’t accept lies. Also I’m thankful my husband isn’t in the teaching possession, he would of scandalized people.

        2. Sry, Jriani I didn’t see your name. Ps yes we went to a Christian counselor, but he denied everything. At that time I was so hurt, emontionally, that I looked like I was the problem. I was mad. But thank fully the counselor saw through that.

      3. My husband just to abuse me fiscal but I learn to come down our discussions, thinks now change but is difficult to recover the love, trust, etc. Needed to a healthy relationship. my parents both come from families where women were abuse fiscal, my father think to change he did the same to mom, my father and husband are Cristian.

        My opinion love Jesus but respect yourself infidelity is a cause of divorce. For many years I hate my mom for let my father abuse her. I am sure your husband get fiscal con the kids I hope not.

        I talk to my husband about I want a mentally health kids who respect themselves, and have moral values.

        But for me the idea of have sex with a man who abuse me fiscal, is difficult the days I am about to have it he start complaints about the fact we do not have sex so I get mad and so on .

        I will like to see my husband attractive and feel desire toward him and do not see his defects. oh Jehovah forget me.

        I see some much love from women who are in more difficulties and I still feel heat and I can not forget.

        1. Mom,

          I am so sorry to hear about all of the physical abuse in your family and even in your marriage. If there is abuse going on, a wife may have to leave with her children and be sure they are safe – she will need special help in that situation.

          How long ago was the physical abuse?

          Can you both get some godly counseling? Do you have a pastor who teaches the Bible somewhere nearby you could talk to? Or a godly mentoring wife?

          What is your relationship with Christ?

          What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

          I wish I could give you a big hug!

      4. Boy, can I relate to this Kathleen!! My husband hasn’t abused my physically but he only pays attention to me when he wants sex…afterwards im a nobody!! Gets old!! Plus, it seems he lusts after other women, then comes to me!
        Somethings wrong with this picture!

        1. Kandi,

          Goodness, such a painful situation! 🙁 I am so sorry to hear this!

          Would you be interested in talking a bit more about what is going on with me? I pray for you both to find healing in Christ.

          Much love!!

    3. A man who gropes and makes crude sexual comments to his wife is a creep. I live in the same type of relationship and I cry every single day. I’ve begged him to respect my body and my privacy. But if I ignore or defend myself against his comments, there is an outrageous amount of hell to pay. I’m so sorry for this wife; I know her hurt and her pain. The one she depends on to value, love, protect, and cherish her has let her down. Treating a woman like a piece of meat is purely adolescent and our men need to grow up and show us the respect we deserve. It’s so sad religion and worship of a sky god has warped you into believing your husband is nothing more than an adolescent jerk who uses the “because god” excuse to make his wife uncomfortable and mentally raped in her own marriage. No, this is NOT NORMAL. And you certainly do NOT have to put up with it. Men who make you cry love themselves and their libido more than they love you. His job, his obligation is to do everything to build you up, not break your heart. I’m leaving mine; I’m not putting up with the heartache any more.
      You deserve respect. Period. And if he can’t control himself, then he’s the one with the problem; not you.

      1. HadEnough,

        I am so terribly sorry to hear about what sounds like abuse in your marriage. 🙁 That breaks my heart!!!

        I’m afraid it seems to me that you may have misunderstood what this wife was experiencing. And I think you may be misunderstanding my message, as well.

        There is NEVER an excuse for rape. Men are supposed to treat their wives gently, with honor, and respect, and kindness – according to the Bible (I Cor. 13:4, Eph. 5:22-33, I Peter3:7). God does not condone anyone mistreating anyone – and we will each stand accountable to Him when this life is over.

        I am also very grieved to hear your belief about God.

        I do not EVER condone rape or disrespect toward anyone – husbands or wives. I don’t ever condone abuse or sin against anyone. I’m grieved that you would somehow get that message from this post. Please check out “Do I Condone Marital Rape or Abuse?”

        There is a great difference between a wife being joyfully available when she can and a husband taking advantage of his wife in a disrespectful or abusive way.

        I’d love to talk with you some more if you are willing.

        Much love to you!

        1. I’m not sorry I lost faith in a God that allows men to abuse women and children in his name — in fact the bible Christians worship encourage it.

          My life is more fulfilled because I let go of silly childish notions of sin and deities.

          It will be even better when I leave this guy. Baby steps to contentment…

          Sent from my iPhone


          1. Mary,

            I don’t think you know the same God I do! Makes me so very sad.

            God never gives anyone permission to abuse anyone in His Name. That is sin – and anyone who does abuse someone else will pay for that sin – unless they repent and turn to Christ and allow Him to change their lives. You can certainly choose to reject Him – but how I pray you might get to know the real God and His love for you that was so strong that He was willing to die in your place so that you could be with Him. God is good and He is love. He has good plans for you. There is every reason for hope in Christ! He can heal your soul. He may even heal your marriage and turn it into something beautiful.

            If you are interested – I am always glad to hear from you.

            And if you want to talk about your marriage, I’m glad to talk about that, too.

            Real Life and Real Love is only found in Christ. The only other option is separation from Him – which is not ever going to bring contentment, only destruction. I want nothing but God’s love, peace, joy, and fulfillment for you.

            Much love!

          2. God allows horrible things to happen — devastation, floods, child rape, abuse of varying kinds, starvation, poverty, earthquakes, etc, but the best one can usually do is say “prayers,” rather than take action. Sort of let’s you off the hook in a way 🙂 And if a deity is capable of preventing such things and doesn’t, then he’s an evil entity, and I do not want to share an afterlife with him. But if he’s unable to prevent horrible things from happening, my guess is that he’s not all powerful. Ritualistic superstition just doesn’t make sense to me, I’m afraid. I am a good person, a person who treats others with kindness and compassion. I’m charitable and environmentally conscious. But if I get to heaven and a God tells me that my being a good and just person is OK, but because I didn’t fall down and worship him like a fearful sycophant I’m going to hell, then he needs to hurl me as far away from him as possible, because he’s a psychopath. I just don’t pray to deities. I never will. I’m very happy knowing he doesn’t exist — and my life is better because of it. Real life and real love are found everywhere. Are you saying Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, atheists, B’hai, Sikhs, pagens, Wiccans, can’t have loving and meaningful relationships with their spouses, children, parents, and friends unless they worship a Christian God? That’s rather arrogant — and wrong. And I have a real life and I will make the right decisions for it — that will ultimate leave me fulfilled and happy. Being inert — in a Christian marriage or otherwise — when abuse or neglect is happening is not “life.” I’m glad the god you created suits you — everyone who worships a deity creates one that does, interestingly enough. For me, religion is bizarre. And the idea of worshipping anything is simply weird.


            Sent from my iPhone


          3. Mary,

            Those are great questions. I’m glad you are thinking about them.

            God created the world in a state of perfection where everything was totally good – in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 1 and 2) there were no disasters and no one was sinned against. God intended people to live forever. There was no death in the world. There were no storms. There were no thorns or suffering – until people chose to sin. God had warned them that if they ate from a certain tree, they would die because of their sin. Adam and Eve chose to sin anyway. God didn’t want to create robots. He wanted to create beings in His image who could willingly choose to love Him – but that also meant that they could willingly choose to reject Him and rebel against Him. The price of free will is very high. But God decided it was worth it.

            The disasters you see today and all of the suffering are due to sin entering the world. That was a choice people made. God is not responsible for evil and cannot be tempted to do evil. He is completely good and He is fair. He is the very essence of Love. But He is also holy and perfect and He cannot tolerate being around any sin at all.

            Yet, we continue to sin against God. As righteous Judge, Who always makes wise and right decisions, He does have the right to punish those who rebel against Him. We all deserve hell because none of us have lived a perfect life that meets His holy standard. But He also loves us so much that He was willing to come as a man (Jesus) and live the perfect life we couldn’t live and die the death each of us deserved to make a way for us to be with Him. To look at the cross and say that God is evil – when it is actually we who are evil and God who is perfect and good – is the most horrific misunderstanding of God we could possibly have. I would really hate for you to miss out on the Greatest Love there is in the universe because of a misunderstanding about the origin of evil.

            God is sovereign. And at the same time, people have free will. Those things occur together – and a lot of people have a hard time with that. People have a free will to sin if they decide to. They can choose to murder people or rape. They can choose to lead a country into starvation and let the relief supplies sit on the docks and rot – like has happened in Africa in a number of places. But each person will be accountable for his/her sins to God.

            The problem is, none of us are good. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. God is the good and perfect one here. Not us. We, on our own, without Him, are bent on evil. We need to be careful about claiming we are good and innocent and God is evil. That is a lie and incredibly arrogant on our part.

            People can have relationships with other people apart from God. But the greatest intimacy and greatest fulfillment comes when we experience knowing Christ and He lives and works in and through us to change us from being sinful people to be more and more like Himself. He can empower us to have better relationships than we could ever have on our own. He designed people, marriage, and family. He designed relationships. So when we have His wisdom and His power – we can have much better relationships and be in right standing with Him and with people.

            Because God is the only God, and His Word is true – it is not arrogant for Him to say that we must worship only Him. He is our Creator and Sustainer. He provides the air for us to breathe and provides rain and food for us all – even those who hate Him.

            You do have a real life and you have free will to choose or reject God. We each have that choice. But you don’t get to choose the consequences of that choice. Those who accept Christ and live for Him will be with Him – which is their greatest desire. Those who hate God and reject Christ will be apart from Him.

            God never says we must be “inert” if we are being abused or sinned against. But He does want us to respond without sin – and He desires us to share His love and truth with others, even those who hurt us, so that they might come to know Him, as well. He desires us to choose forgiveness. But that doesn’t mean we must trust people who are unrepentant about wrongs they have done against us.

            “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin”

            I pray that you might take another look at the real God of the Bible and who He actually is – not who you think He is – and realize the incredible love He has for you and the sacrifice He made for you. Jesus is the Life, the Truth and the Way, no one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6). If there was another way to God – Jesus would have found it and would have avoided the cross. He prayed that God might provide a different way – but there was no other way. His perfect blood was the only thing that could properly pay for our evil.

            God loves you dearly. He can give you so much hope. He can heal and transform you if you will turn to Him.

            Hell is a place of terrible suffering that lasts forever. The real issue about hell is that it is total separation from God. God is good – so there is nothing good there. I don’t want you or anyone else to go there – especially when Jesus loves you and has provided for you to be with Him. And God is not at all what you picture Him to be. I pray you might take advantage of the time God is generously giving you right now to really study this issue and discover who He really is and to consider seeking a relationship with Him.

            We can choose to trust Him and His sovereignty and power – or we can choose to trust ourselves. But we are not sovereign and we don’t control much. We don’t have the power to save ourselves. When we really understand who God is and who we are – it is actually a pretty easy choice to make to choose to trust Him.

            Who Is God?

            This is the most important decision you will ever make.

            Jesus has completely changed my life. He brought me out of the spiritual prison I was in – of loneliness, bitterness, worry, fear, and discouragement. He radically changed me and healed my marriage and my husband. I have seen Him change hundreds of women around the world and heal them and their marriages. I long for you to taste and see how very good God is. He can do amazing things for you, too!

            Much love to you! I’m always glad to talk with you if you are interested.

          4. Hi, April God did not create humans; wecreated god.  First we worshipped thingswe saw in nature, such as the sun and the moon, and certain deities wereresponsible for the vagaries of weather and other natural phenomena. Gods weremale and female; then the gods became one god in most places.  This is a very skeletal progression; I won’tbore you with a religious studies blog; I don’t think you would ever put thatmuch thought or care into how religions evolved to suit human needs,expectations, and explanations of nature. Nor do I think you have put muchthought into religious evolution as it pertains to human behavior, and that ourdeities change every thousand years, or so. Will the sky god of compassion who loves all people and who wantsequality for all win, or will the cruel, intolerant god who smites anyone whoisn’t straight, white, and who falls down and blindly to worship him win?  Who knows? Only time will tell what the Christiangod evolves into.  Personally, I don’tcare.  Even if a god exists, I flatrefuse to worship it. A sky god is simply irrelevant and without me, god doesnot exist. So who is the powerful one? The truth is, the god needs us in orderto exist.  Now, as for the god creatinga perfect world – apparently he did not. (Keep in mind, I’m giving my interpretationof the myth of creation; I don’t actually believe it happened.  But because I’m a person who hasn’t forgottenthe skill of critical thinking, I want to share what I think about). So for thesake of argument, let’s say the whole garden of eden thing went down as yousay. He realized he needed humans because he was lonely. And he needed them tofear him and to worship him. So he created Adam and Eve.  They were his pets.  He walked with them, much in the same way Iwalk my own dog.  The pets were happywhen he came around and felt content with the food he provided them.  But that was the extent of their “happiness.”They knew no pain, struggle, fatigue, fear, shame, guilt, or worry.  But they also did not know laughter, joy, triumphover a difficulty, personal growth, love, empathy, or compassion (there was nosuffering of any kind, so compassion was not necessary).  But the god put a tree in the middle of thegarden and told them they could eat from all the other trees, but not thisspecial tree.  Why would he do that? Whydid he feel the need to put a tree there just to forbid them?  Keep in mind, the all knowing god KNEW theywould eat from the tree.  Where does thatfit in with your loving deity? And it’s not the same as when I tell my daughter(a very confident, thinking, healthy, happy atheist) not to eat my stash ofchocolate.  First of all, she knows rightfrom wrong and she can reason; A and E could not.  They did not possess the ability to reasonbefore they ate the “forbidden fruit.” Also, I wouldn’t banish my daughter frommy house if she did eat my chocolate. OK, back to our story.  So, they eat from the tree of knowledge of goodand evil and suddenly they feel shame. But it’s not just shame we feel becauseEve made a choice; we feel joy, love, compassion, empathy, and happiness. Istruggled to get my degree, I struggle raising a teenager, and I worry abouttaking care of my parents as they age. But in my worry and struggle, Iexperienced immense pride, joy, and accomplishment when I received my diploma.  I enjoy seeing my daughter laugh and beamwith pride when she puts another’s needs above her own.  I am still able to spend time with my parentsand take comfort in knowing I am a good daughter.  I wouldn’t trade my struggle for anything.  I wouldn’t trade my personal growth andexperiences for anything; they made me who I am. I would rather know hardshipand triumph in this life than be a pet or automaton in eternal paradise. Itjust sounds boring. I enjoy life and all its ups and downs – that’s LIVING.Unfortunately, too many Christians worry so much about the next life, they aremiserable and refuse to really life in this one. I wish I could thank Eve;without her, I wouldn’t have any more regard for my daughter than my dog doesfor her pups.  I’m not sure how yourationalize “free-will.”  We have thefree will to “love” the god, or not to, but if we don’t we have to burn ineternal hell-fire for eternity.  I hateto burst your bubble, but that certainly isn’t free will!  And not only do we have to burn in hell (Hell,by the way, was never, ever, ever mentioned in the bible), but the Christians inheaven get to watch with sadistic glee as the infidels burn in hell.  It’s a little bizarre, to say the least… If the god is so perfect, whydoes he take it as a personal slight if I “reject” him?  He sounds like a jealous boyfriend or atoddler who doesn’t get his way.  Agrown-up would simply, say, “OK, don’t worship me; my ego can take it. You dowhat you need to have a happy, fulfilled life.” But your god can’t do that; hehas to see me suffer in agony for eternity because he’s a god and he can.  Again, I certainly don’t want to spendeternity with that god. Disasters occur because ofsin entering the world?  I never asked tobe born.  A god who allows disaster to happenbecause he knowingly tempted Adam and Eve (it wasn’t the serpent; the god putthe tree there and knew they’d eat from it) and now I have to pay for that? Iwasn’t consulted. Again, the god is cruel and sadistic. He craves humansuffering to satiate his anger from something that you claim happened thousandsof years ago? He craves it enough that he created a race of beings to destroyif he doesn’t get his way.  He has the right to punishthose who don’t like him? Are you serious? Did you just make that up? You totallymade that up. A god who kills children on a whim because I don’t like him…again – I would never worship a god who claims to have that “right.” AND… he watched as his son(another dubious myth, but one that exists in all cultures and religions – thesavior, half-man, half-god story) was tortured and brutally murdered. AND hedemanded Abraham murder his son until an angel stopped him.  Do you know how sadistic that is?  I would never attempt to kill my daughter inthe name of god, and I doubt you would either. Let that sink in… murdering your children because a voice you believerbelongs to a god told you to.  That’s all the absurdities Ican respond to at this late hour. It was difficult to formulate a response tomyths, stories, and religious “word salads” you are parroting probably fromwhat your pastors have been telling you since you were five years old.  It’s odd you never thought to think criticallyor to question, as an adult, inconsistent mythical stories about a cruel andsadistic deity that you have been told by your father, pastor, and husband allyour life. It’s hard to reason with someone who thinks like a child. I’m not sure why you need meto be a Christian, too, except to justify your own existence and child-likebeliefs. It’s flattering that Christians need me in order to simply be. Your beliefsystem is so shaky that you cannot stand the notion of being the only one withyour beliefs.  Your not worried about mysoul; you need me to believe like you do, or your belief system is shot. Bottomline: you need me. Your god needs me, because without me, you’re both irrelevant.I hope you can respond withsomething thought provoking, original, and more substantial than offering atwenty second prayer or a choppy, pointless “god is good” argument.  Good night,Mary


          5. Mary,

            You are free to choose to believe these things, if you would like to. They are not based on truth. But you can choose to misunderstand and reject the God who created you, who sustains you and provides for you.

            He doesn’t need you – He loves you. He wants you to be with Him. I don’t need you – but I also love you. I want good things for you – and good things are only found in Christ. I see the bitterness, anger, resentment, and wounds in your life and I would love to see you come to Christ and find healing, hope, joy, peace, and contentment.

            Much love to you,

          6. I healed when I let go of the horrible, controlling, manipulative, and ridiculousness that is Christianity. There is no anger; but I do get irritated and frustrated at how silly Christians are. The irritation stems from your inability to reason, or even believe there is more to life than worshiping gods. My life is fuller and better because of being atheist. I’m free and I’m happy. The guilt is gone. The sex is way better, and I’m content in my freedom.

            You are unable to accept another’s happiness unless they believe in your Jesus. Sad… And ridiculous.


            Sent from my iPhone


          7. Mary,

            Your first comment didn’t sound like your life is very happy at all, including your sex life and marriage. It sounded pretty awful. But you are entirely free to do things your way.

            Thank you for sharing.

            Much love to you.

          8. I’m leaving this discussion not because I think any of you are right, but because I can no longer waste energy on something so pointless. If you’ll excuse me, I have a science book to read before I pick up my birth control at the clinic where I walk women who need abortions past hateful, violent protesters. You silly kids crack me up, and you reinforce my reasons to stop worshipping gods.

            Sent from my iPhone


          9. Mary,

            I understand why you feel this is a waste of time. It is obvious that we are not going to agree. I desire nothing but the best for you, or I wouldn’t slend time appealing to you on God’s behalf. I know what He has done for me and how He has healed my marriage, and I want every woman to get to experience this kind of love, peace, and joy.

            If you change your mind, I am always happy to hear from you.

            Much love to you!

  2. I think the most important thing you said is men are different than women. My wife and I are so very happy these days but there was at time not long ago we were hanging on by a thread. It took more than a dozen years but my wife started to understand what sex (and respect) mean to me. We were on the brink of divorce. I had tried to love her as Christ loved the church for so many years (and she says I was pretty good at it)…but I think I just ran empty. It was like my tank was never being filled and I think after years and years I could no longer love her the way she needed also. I was oh so lonely for so very, very long. I heard the “I just feel like a piece of meat” thing…when nothing could have been further than the truth. That woman was/is everything to me…my world & therefore it crushes you even harder when she wants no part of you. Honestly, I’d rather be beat up (physically abused, kicked in the head by a horse, etc) than here my wife say no, or I don’t enjoy sex, or….

    For me sex with my wife is all my favorite things to do in the world rolled into one x 10. It’s what I look forward to….it’s the thing that keeps me going on the rough days at work, etc. She wouldn’t necessarily refuse me in body, but it was more in attitude and mind. I was literally told she didn’t want to be there doing that…I can’t tell you how painful that was.

    Unfortunately, I just didn’t know how but I made the sinful choice to use porn…it literally wasn’t about looking on another girls “parts”…I know it sounds crazy but I honestly didn’t believe women enoyed sex after hearing it so very long…in other words it was about attitude. I know it sounds crazy but I searched by heart a thousand times and it’s true. Still just as horribly sinful & wrong, but true. Thankfully I never got into the real hardcore stuff. Things went like this for a several years but as things really started to go downhill in our marriage I think we both had to take a hard look at where we were at. For me that meant to get back to loving her the way Christ loved the church & having only eyes for her.

    For her it meant adjusting her mind and heart to sex and respect. It even meant taking testestrone as she tested at 0 levels. And here is the thing I hope ladies on your site understand because maybe their husband might be the same. My need for sex with me wife, loving & willing sex…is the one “need” I can’t seem to go without. I can master just about anything I’ve ever tried. I can make my mind and body do whatever it needs. I can fast. (or go hungry). I can ignore pain. I can work harder longer than anyone for my family. I can run into a situation where everyone else is running away but I honestly can not live without my dear wife loving me this way…I’ve found it is my one “weakness”. It’s the one thing that puts me in not only emotional & physical pain, but is the one thing that almost broke my faith too. If I haven’t shown sexual affection from my wife in 48 hours I’m lonely, it its been 72 hours I’m lonely, on edge, irritable and starting to get desperate. 4 days and I’m a bit of a mess (from a guy that’s usually about at put together as there is), 5 days and I’m getting crazy…seriously.

    I love my wife more than anything in this world and this transformation in my wife has taken our marriage from probably the worst in our church to the best. Now that I’m being loved also, in the way I feel it…now that my batteries are being charged also I can be the husband I need to be for her again. I was once considered a godly husband and father. .I have found at least in my life nothing can encourage & lift me up or tear me down to nothing faster than the gift of my wife’s heart & body in the gift of sex or lack thereof.

    That said, a husband needs to be considerate & tasteful also…

    Today we couldn’t be closer or happier. Our walk in the Lord is stronger & our kids are living in a house where there parents are happy, united and committed.
    I’m back (and much better than ever) to being the loving husband who tries with everything he has to cherish. love and lay down his life for his wife…and what is the difference? My wife’s decision to try to understand what sex meant to me and change her perception, attitude and actions toward sex (and a little bit about respect).

    Sorry for the length! I thank God for what you are doing!

    1. Thankful Husband,


      I appreciate you sharing your heart and perspective!

      I wonder if you would allow me to quote you in a future post, please?

      Thank you SO MUCH! This is very helpful information that I believe wives need to hear.

    2. Thankful Husband: It is very encouraging to hear your story. I can relate to your wilderness years — I was there myself much of the time in a 29-year marriage (and seemingly all the time the last 15 of those years). My thoughts and feelings mirrored yours very closely, and you describe them well. Unfortunately, I never got to see the turn-around that you have, and my wife ended up divorcing me. But it truly is encouraging to hear from a husband who saw God bring change and is appropriately thankful for it. I’m also very happy for your kids and the atmospheric change I know they must be experiencing, whether they’re aware of the reasons or not. God bless you and your wife and your kids.

      1. I think that until both husband and wife, finally give it their everything…hearts, minds, dreams & bodies you are never going to truly be totally happy or holy. The kind of everything that is both terribly vulnerable and scary and even hurts some of the time …the kind that goes against the human reason we have and is the radical love Jesus calls us to. For us husbands that means giving & loving gently, tenderly and with passion for our wives and thinking of them before ourselves in the way we live our lives. To protect and to serve. For our wives that means trying to be our helpmate, who is often blessed with gifts we don’t have and using those special talents, wisdom, care and beauty to bless us and give to us. All I know is this, I was in the ministry for several years as a pastor…there isn’t much I haven’t seen in marriages & I can tell you our marriage was one of the worst. There’s more backstory to our story, but I can tell you this, God can heal any marriage but you are going to be beating your head against the wall until you go about it His way..

        Thank you for the ministry this blog is & yes I can’t believe someone would want to quote me…but you have permission and you’ll be in my prayers. Thanks for tackling this subject…

        1. Thankful Husband,

          This is beautiful, too! THANK YOU for sharing!!!! I love your perspective and wisdom. And I appreciate your generosity, allowing me to quote you. I know what you are saying will greatly bless many marriages!

      2. Praying for you, David – for God to bring something beautiful from the ashes and to restore the years the locusts have eaten. Praying for God to use you to reach people for His kingdom and to use this pain and destruction for His glory. Praying for God to empower you to forgive and not to allow bitterness to take root. Praying for healing for you and your children. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

    3. That was wonderful. I am all teared-up now. Gives me hope that there are still men out there who, despite whatever corruption or tainted-ness has affected their concept of sex and women, there are still men who want to have and fight for the pure love that comes with selfless sacrifice in worship to God. Thanks for this.

    4. My wife totally can’t understand me. I can’t tell you how lonely it is. Oh but, I guess I can tell you because you get it. I never got too deep into porn but I have brushed up against it. It never became anything habitual and I have resisted it for the most part but again, it is so very, very lonely. Right now, I feel so completely separate from my wife that I can’t imagine our marriage surviving but yours did so I’m hopeful at least in that sense. Thank you for sharing this and giving me hope. What you describe is exactly where I am at and our marriage is at a horrible low point. It is such a desparate, depressing place to be and it isn’t all about sex and a “good time” but connecting and knowing someone and being known by them. She just can’t see past the idea that sex is the culmination of being connected but for a man it is most often the means by which the connection is nurished. Her giving herself to me in this way completes the cycle of “one flesh” and brings a union that seems impossible otherwise. The not even married guy that commented, __________. Sorry to be harsh but when you have been married for 20 years and most of that in frustration and loneliness, then you can talk. Sorry, probably should have just left that alone but I get so frustrated with GenY’ers going on about how sensitive they are how much they understand the feminine mystique and blahblahblah. Just sounds like the guy in college who was a “feminist” because it has more to do with his identity than it did actual feminist issues. Ouch. Sorry. Did it again.

      To your point about being an upstanding member in the church and so forth… completely resonates with me. I love God and I love my family. I have fought for so long and so hard the feelings of rejection and the bound up emotions of tension and pain only to hear pious brothers tell me that Jesus should just be enough. With friends like these, Job may well have cursed God and died already. I guess I’m sinful but your experience of 48-72 hours is mine to a “T” but I can’t really fight the resentment and the anger anymore. I’m just tired of feeling guilty over being disappointed that we go weeks without intimacy. I’m tired of feeling guilty that it often comes out sideways. I’m tired of feeling guilty that I can’t always look past my “needs” . I’m tired of feeling guilty that Jesus “isn’t enough”. I’m not a sex addict and my sexual desires are overwhelmingly for my wife but again, I’m tired of living this fight by the hour of every day. When we are physically together, my world goes from grey to color and I can lift my head again. The tensions and stresses that generally lead me to a feeling of impending doom in my workplace recedes and the next day I feel I can take on the world because there is a woman at home that has my back, that believes in me and is willing to give to me that precious gift, which is herself body and soul. That next day and for some time afterward, I just want to be close to her. I want to slay dragons and lay them at her feet. But when the rejection comes with the cold sense that my world is incomplete and I’m staring at the long, dark days ahead lonely and incomplete, my resentments and pain gets the better of me and my prayers ring hollow though I continue in them frequently praying for relief that I might be a better husband, that I wouldn’t need sex to feel connected and complete with my wife. But as you say, oxytocin and vasopressin are God designed to make men monogamous. God has made me this way. As despressing as the rejection coming from my wife is, I’m about to double it by quoting Kevin Cronin, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore”. Oh man, sorry for that. REO Speedwagon should never be quoted.

      1. Hoping to be Thankful Someday Husband,

        It is a pleasure to meet you.

        I’m so glad you reached out to Thankful Husband. I know he can give you huge encouragement. My heart breaks for you. Sexual rejection by your own spouse is excruciatingly painful. It is hard for me to imagine many things that are more painful, especially when it continues over a long period of time.

        You describe what rejection does to your soul in such an articulate way. And I love how you explain what her acceptance does for you. That is beautiful!

        I wonder if you might allow me to anonymously share parts of this comment. I don’t think a lot of wives realize the depths of pain, frustration and despair a husband can reach in such a situation.

        If there is a medical issue with your wife, or other issues, I may be able to direct her towards some resources.

        I pray for healing for you both and for your marriage.

  3. I think some of you facts about oxytocin are not based in science and have been overly simplified. Here is a good article that discusses oxytocin ( You have to be careful about citing research from dated studies. Also, many scientific studies are peppered with personal opinion sold as as “science fact.” The spiritual connection has to do with a different area of the brain entirely. I would encourage you to read the book “How God Changes Your Brain.” It is written by a neuroscientist.

    In either case I would say to the wife that groping would probably make me uncomfortable too. I would never grope my wife. Now, I would put every effort into seducing her to the point she leaps at me like a tiger does at its prey. Men and women have more erogenous zones that just the obvious. The back of a woman’s neck, behind her ear, and her feet (weird I know) are all sensitive zones. Consequently, you can’t really “grope” these areas. I would suggest to your husband that you want him to know your every sensitive spot to see if he can handle all your powerful feminine energy. If that doesn’t make him stop and think….post back.

    1. I’m sorry. I don’t usually respond but having friends that are cognitive specialist and doctors within my circle, this simply just seems argumentative for argument sake.

      Even the article doesn’t debunk that oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone and that it is released after orgasm in men. Men work differently. It’s just that simple. It’s a great balance that requires men and women in a healthy marriages to work to meet the other’s needs. I’ve also read studies by hormone specialist and others who work in neuroscience that disagree with you. It’s also advantageous to ask yourself why you needed to argue this one point that has been proven to be true in recent studies? It doesn’t change the fact that April ‘s point was that men and women relate differently in sex.

      While I commend your sensitivity towards your wife, I will say that I admire and respect my husband’s sexuality and he has full reign to touch me, grope me and express himself any way he wants. I don’t consider it disrespectful but a way of my husband expressing his desire for me. I also believe the bible when he says my body is his. He treats it well and I trust him so I see no use in giving him any kind of boundaries except to insert control over something that no longer exclusively belongs to me.

      Few women out there support and encourage women to respect men the way April does. Nitpicking based on a potentially false opinion that has no merit in a message like this seems foolish.

      1. The oxytocin info I quoted was from Dr. Walt Larimore M.D. in “His Brain, Her Brain” – I believe.

        But yes – the main point is how different we are biochemically, physically, emotionally and to some degree even spiritually and how we can stretch to learn to meet our spouses’ different needs and grow outside of our own perspective. That is what helps to make us learn to be holy!

        Thanks, Jennifer!

      2. I wasn’t saying oxytocin isn’t involved in love but it isn’t the whole thing nor is it ONLY released when men have sex. Men get an oxytocin boost just from being around women. That is why NASA found men come back less stressed when they send women into space with men.

        1. That is SO COOL! I wonder if the levels of oxytocin for men are greater when they are around respectful women vs. disrespectful women. Wouldn’t that be a great study to do???

    2. I will have to look at the article! That sounds very interesting. I believe I was quoting from His Brain, Her Brain by Dr. Walt Larimore, MD. Not sure what the year is on that book.

      Thank you for your insights!

      And thank you for encouraging men to be more gentle and suave. I appreciate it, Joseph!

      1. Thanks April! I apologize if I came off as argumentative. I in no way meant to criticize you! You are doing a wonderful job here. As a scientist myself though I often see scientific results be taken and attached to the opinion(s) of the scientists publishing them. I read a recent study that 60% of women are bisexual. When you actually looked at the study though the techniques used were horrible inaccurate but once the media got a hold of it, it was over. It wouldn’t be hard to see why the media would like such a “statistic” these day.

        Also, when I read these kinds of things it makes men look very shallow. It is like saying “he can’t love and bond with me for who I am, he has to be getting sexual pleasure from me.” I really think the love and bonding happens before the wedding, is affirmed by God at the wedding, and celebrated sexually in marriage. The spiritual always takes primacy over physical (at least is should). When my fiancee gives me a compliment, I feel she loves me. We have both saved ourselves for marriage so clearly I am not marrying her because I feel sex bonded us.

        1. Joseph,
          I didn’t take what you said as being argumentative.

          And I definitely understand how easily studies and statistics can be skewed – so I don’t want to misinterpret or misquote scientific studies.

          Hmm… I definitely don’t want to say that sex is the only way that men can bond! My hope was to show that it is a huge way that they bond in marriage – and that for men it is a lot more than just a physical bonding in marriage.

          I want to see all couples bonding in marriage spiritually/emotionally/sexually. But I love the way you described bonding in that second paragraph. That is beautiful! I think I may have to quote that, too. I am going to need to make several posts for these topics!

          Such great discussion! Thank you!

      2. Often times it isn’t the person reading the study who skews the study, rather it is the person who writes the study. There is a book called “How to Lie With Statistics.” It is a short and good read.

    3. @Joseph Riani,

      Thank you for the word seducing. I’ve been married for 12 years,in the beginning my husband would woo me,take me to dinner, I could feel his desire for me, granted that the beginning of relationships are always thrilling, but now, he initiates sex by grouping, or asking in an explicit way,and expect me to turn on like a switch. I would be 40 yrs old tomorrow, I do feel my sex drive has decrease, not because of an illness ( I think), but, I feel that he doesn’t feel he have to seduce me,or work for sex. I think I need more…candlelight dinner, something!!! But he said, I shouldn’t have to do all of that every time he wants sex. When I know he wants sex, I get irritated before he even ask, because he feels I should automatically be ready when he is. You frustrated husbands, what are you doing to get the mood right? PeacefulWife, i appreciate this website,and yor views are vey helpful….I really need to know am I wrong for feeling the need for more before sex, I love my husband, he’s a god fearing man, and a great father, but doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body.

      1. Liz,

        I don’t think a lot of men understand all that is involved in how a woman prepares to be ready for sex. I think the best description I have heard is that a wife is like a “slow cooker” and a husband is like a “microwave.” Most women do much better if there is affection, some level of emotional/spiritual connection and a slow build toward sex. Most women cannot just suddenly “be ready.” We aren’t biologically designed to be able to do that in most cases – unless we have been “simmering” all day with anticipation. Some couples flirt with each other throughout the day to help build that desire for the wife.

        It is not wrong that you feel like you can’t immediately be ready for sex on the spot. But there are things that you can do to ask for what you need in a way that builds him up and doesn’t make him feel like a failure and there are things you can do to help yourself be ready more often or more quickly.

        There are many books that can be helpful about this issue. Do you think your husband would be willing to consider reading something about that?

        When you ask for things from him, how do you ask?

        When he begins to grope you or asks very explicitly (keep in mind those are things that would turn HIM on – so that may be a good approach when you are initiating intimacy with him), what about responding like this:

        – Ooh! That sounds like a great idea… I would love to have sex with you. How about we take a bath first/give each other massages first/put on some romantic music/light some candles… I want to be able to really focus, relax and be completely into you. I want to enjoy every moment.
        – You know what would really turn me on? If you would start at my feet and very slowly touch me and move toward… (and then describe whatever would work best for you)
        – I love that you desire me, Honey! I am so excited that you want me like this. Would you please talk to me and tell me some of the things that attract you to me/some of the reasons why you love me/what you enjoy most about having sex with me while you have your hands all over me?

        You can share how sexy it is when you get to have a romantic dinner together, or when he prays with you.

        You can share some things that he could do throughout the day that would help you begin to simmer and anticipate intimacy with him.

        Praying for wisdom for you!

        1. Thank you very much for wishing me a happy birthday! I hope this decade be as great for me as it is for you. At first I was having anxieties, feeling that I might lack… i guess, youthful appearances, but I decided, (God willing) this will be an awesome decade , my goal is to get healthy and fit as I’ve ever been. Also, your tips were very helpful, instead of pulling away, i would try your suggestions, find ways to help our mood. Actually, I was pleasantly surprised on my birthday, my husband was very romantic, he had the whole day planned from morning breakfast to evening dinner, it was a perfect day with him and my kids. Thanks again for your help! It’s nice to hear christian views, giving helpful tips and opinions.

          1. Liz,
            I hope you will write down all that your husband did for you so you can cherish it and remember how thoughtful he was. WOW! That is amazing!

            And I love your attitude toward this new decade. That is wonderful. 🙂

            I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you, your husband, your marriage and your family! 🙂

          2. Hello, you’re not going to believe what I’m about to announce..I can’t believe it. Just this past weekend I found I was pregnant. So weird, I know are a blessing, but I was really shocked to see the results of the pregnancy test. Please continue to pray my strength in the Lord. I need him like never before. Wow, pregnant at 40!!! Happy Birthday to me!!

          3. Liz,

            WOW! Happy birthday to you! Praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby and for a healthy marriage! 🙂 And most of all, I am praying for God’s greatest glory in your life.

    1. Stephanie, feminist society tells you this is disrespectful. The Bible (specifically Song of Solomon) would disagree. Your husband was created a sexual being. He was created to express himself sexually just like we are created to express ourselves sexually. Judging so harshly his natural expression will (if not already) force him to deny a part of who he is and rob him of security of expression in your marriage.

      I’ve been there but understanding that my husband really does want my body to express his deep, manly (because he’s a man) affection for me has changed me and our marriage.

      What society is asking us to do by defining this as disrespect is to force men to communicate sexually as women. Then we turn around and tell them to man up in areas where we want them to be men.

      1. I believe that Jesus ordained husbands to love their wives as Christ love the church, he gave his life. And Jesus is love, filled with compassion, and a man is made in Gods image. If he’s like Christ, then he’s going to comprise his sexuality and put his wife’s feelings first. There are some women, would rather a more romantic and gentle approach for sex, if my body is his, then he should know what I need before sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, I’m not a feminist, just want romance.

        1. Liz,

          It’s totally fine and normal for a wife to want romance. In my mind, the key is that I don’t make my wants and desires more important to me than God or my husband or my marriage covenant. I hope that makes sense. I know that I did that a lot in the past. A post that may help explain what I am saying is this one.

          And I completely agree, you are describing what a godly husband should be like and what God commands husbands to do. Yes. I agree 100%!

          It is totally fine to ask for what you want and need. A godly wife can absolutely do that! And a godly wife can also learn to respond graciously to her husband even if he doesn’t perfectly approach her, learning to understand how he thinks and what he needs, as well.

          For me, if I focus on what I want and need for very long, I can quickly fall into sinful thinking.

          I personally do best when I focus on God’s will, His glory, what He desires me to do and how I can bless my husband. So, those are the things I try to focus on here.

          There are MANY, MANY ways husbands could improve and could love us better. Yep.

          But the only person we control is us. So, that is why I focus on what wives can do here, not what husbands should do. It would be awesome if your husband were more concerned about your feelings and desires and needs regarding sex. You can gently, respectfully share what you like and need. But you cannot change him. So, what I talk about here are the things you can focus on even if he doesn’t change and on how we can become the wives and women God desires us to be regardless of what our husbands do or do not do.

          You might enjoy some of the posts at the top of my home page. They are a great place to start.

          Much love to you! Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you both. 🙂

        2. PS Liz,

          Let me clarify where I am coming from a bit…

          I spent many years demanding that Greg be “more loving, more Christlike, a better leader, more attentive, more affectionate, more romantic, more lots of things…” And I almost destroyed my marriage. Not because what I wanted was wrong. But because, in my case, my approach was disrespectful and controlling. And, in my case, my priorities were not in proper order in my soul.

          My husband heard, “You are a failure as a man, as a Christian and as a husband. I don’t respect you one bit.”

          That wasn’t what I was trying to tell him, but that is what he heard. This caused him to shut down and withdraw from me and from God. That is NOT a road I want to see anyone else travel! It was very painful for both of us.

          So, I definitely understand that you have legitimate needs sexually. I am a woman, too! I know that we can’t just be “instantly on.” My hope is to gently lay some powerful tools before you that will help you get what you want but at the same time, will give your husband what he needs so that it is a win/win. 🙂

          What exactly do you believe you need your husband to do for you so that you would feel like he was “romantic”?

          1. Hi again Peacefulwife,

            I appreciate your godly wisdom. I definitely don’t want trouble in our marriage.He’s the only man I’ve ever been with, and I want to keep it that way. You’re right I was thinking too much about satisfying myself, you open my eyes to that I would love for my husband to be more romantic, but I don’t want him to feel like I don’t desire him. After reading your comment, I made it my business to discuss with him some of the reasons why sometimes, I’m not in the mood. It was very successful, we made a promise to do things together to get the mood right. To answer your question…I mainly want pillow talk, maybe play soft music before, I would love to have date nights. Just an effort !!

          2. Liz,

            I am so glad that you talked with him about that in a respectful way. And that you want to make this marriage work. That makes my day!

            Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂

            How did your husband respond?

            Much love,

          3. Yes, we had good long talk, and he really listened, and participated in our confirmation. We’re still working on it, and we are determined to find common grounds. He did upset me because he said sometimes sex is about him, and I told that was a very selfish thought, as he’s not the only one in this marriage, I understand lustful desires, but I feel he should think of sex as a moment for us to get closer and a way we express our love. He said he doesn’t mean to be selfish, but that’s how he feels about sex. After a while he thought about it, and said, well it is a way I show my love for you! LOL…Please keeps us in your prayers.

          4. Liz,

            That discussion makes me laugh so hard! Maybe he has discovered a really important truth about sex. 🙂

            Praying for God’s glory and His wisdom and healing for you both!

          5. Hello, I wanted to share this information to you and your readers. My last post was regarding my husband and I sexual intimacy. Well ironically, a few days after my 40th birthday I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, and less than a week later I found out I was carrying TWINS, so you could imagine the anxiety I was feeling, I literally cried, but immediately fell in love with being pregnant again and having twins. However, another week passed and I had a miscarriage I was very devastated, I felt myself going into depression, but with prayer I made it through, still sad, but I’m ok. I know God’s will was done. My husband was great through the whole episode. It kind of bothered me that he attitude was like oh well, what would be would be. I’ve. One to realize men are different, they have betray strength, although I know he was sad, but he was trying to be strong for me.

            That’s was a big birthday surprise!!! Beginning my 40th with a bang.

          6. Liz,
            Wow, thanks for the update. What a roller coaster! I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your twins. You are the second reader to share this same situation wtih me within just a few weeks. I am so glad to hear that you are allowing your husband to grieve differently from you, and that you see he wants to be strong for you. I am glad that y’all are doing well together. That is such a blessing. I am praying for you today!!! Sending you a huge hug!

    2. Stephanie,
      This is a big issue in so many marriages! I pray that maybe God might give you new eyes to see your husband in a way that helps you be able to move towards him – and that God might also help your husband be able to approach you more gently. Thank you for sharing – MANY, MANY wives feel this same way. You are certainly not alone!

      Much love to you!

      1. It’s an interesting thread to read! I think there should be some clarification on “groping”. To me, it’s not done in the bedroom. That is regular, healthy intimacy. Groping is when you are fully dressed, going about your day, just random, often in public and it’s RUDE. period.

        1. Stephanie,

          What a great point! We didn’t define groping. But you are right – especially in public and in front of other people – that would be REALLY embarrassing to most women and quite a turn off. Hopefully we can kindly ask our men to limit the PDA to hand holding – and then enjoy each other in private. Thanks. Stephanie! 🙂

    3. Stephanie –

      I’ve been exactly where you are. Still go there occasionally. I think the piece that may be missing in this story is a simple question – what effort was the husband putting in to make sure that he was not JUST groping her? Was he making an effort to appreciate all of her – mind, soul, talents, etc. – or was he only showing appreciation for her body? Been there, done that and it hurts.

      I am a stereotypical female in that I need connection – emotional, mental, verbal connection. I can choose – and have chosen – to meet my husband’s needs for sex without any connection but I often (almost always!) end up feeling very much like a piece of meat. Like I’ve been used and tossed aside. ESPECIALLY if he has made no effort to connect with me in any other way.

      I am taking baby steps away from this attitude though. Teeny, tiny, am-I-really-even-moving, baby steps. Ironically, hubby’s behavior has nothing to do with it. I am learning – through an e-course study I have been blessed to be a part of – how to be a Respectful Wife and allow God to meet my needs. Are there still times I feel like hubby just wants to use me to meet his needs? Yep. But I immediately take it to my Abba and ask him to help me walk through it. Our mean don’t mean to demean us when they grope or use crude language. They honestly think they are telling us that they value us. Unfortunately, that can sometimes mistakenly communicate that our sexual parts are the ONLY thing they value. We can’t change their behaviors. But we can choose to see them as good-hearted men who occasionally get it wrong!

  4. Incredible response to this! A husband willing to express himself like that is a good indicator that he feels safe enough with his wife to be all that God created him to be as a man.

    I’ve seen this addressed really poorly and I’m so glad to find a respected, influential woman who encourages women to let their men be men.

    1. Thanks, Jennifer!

      I am giving it my best shot. I know there is not a blanket answer and there can be some situations that would be much more involved and difficult. But the thing I found most lacking in Christian books for wives about marriage were the practical examples of how to handle difficult situations with respect.

      If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them, too!

  5. As far as a diplomatic response from the wife, perhaps something like, “I really like getting this attention from you and knowing that you want me. I would like it even more if you [fill in the blank with an alternative type of touch or statement].” Hopefully he’s not so slow on the uptake that you’ll have to go further and ask him not to do so-and-so, but if you do have to do that, leading with the fact that you understand and appreciate what he really means should make it a lot easier for him to hear the negative.

    As far as the underlying problem of feeling like a piece of meat, this is a devastating feeling to have or belief to hold if in fact it’s not the husband’s attitude but merely the wife’s interpretation of it. I’m going to assume that the husband is a Christian and/or that, either way, he’s not an outright slug who actually views his wife as just a piece of meat. If that assumption is correct, the wife’s mis-interpretation of his advances will not only embitter her (which she is realizing and asking about), but it will also frustrate and hurt him. He’s being accused (if only in her mind) of not loving her, of being completely selfish, and of having only base desires toward her — seeking fulfillment of those desires with her only because she’s the nearest available female. I can’t speak to where this slant comes from for this wife, but I can describe where it came from for my ex-wife. Some of it was sexual dysfunction in her background. That background in turn exacerbated the (distorted) message that is so easy to pick up in the church that sex is dirty and shameful. Related to that distorted message is the message that men especially have out-of-control, depraved sex drives and that their sexual motivations are entirely selfish. In fact, as April and Shaunti Feldhahn and others have tried to explain, that’s rarely true when we’re talking about most husbands’ sexual attraction to their wives. He chose that woman to marry in significant part because she is the woman he wanted to have sex with for the rest of his life; he wants to have sex with her as often as reasonably possible, not with any and every woman he sees; and he wants to have sex with her to demonstrate his love for her and to receive from her assurance of her love and her affirmation of him as a man.

    Can husbands sometimes use some help in learning more gentlemanly or tender ways to express their desire for their wives? Obviously so. Should their clumsiness in expressing their desire, or the frequency or intensity of their expressions of desire, be taken as evidence that their desire is unnatural, selfish, unloving, etc.? In most cases, absolutely not.

  6. There are some great suggestions here. I think it is wrong to call groping disrespectful across the board, and it is wise to take each husband intent for what it is. A loving husband will happily receive suggestions, especially if he can stop doing something that discourages drive, and do something else that works better. Also, have patience, if you have accepted these things a long time, your hisband might have a habit to break, and might forget sometimes.
    Each person expresses affectiona little differently.

    1. It is hard for wives to feel like they are being groped. But I agree – that sometimes we miss our husbands’ hearts because they approach things VERY differently from the way we do. I do think that we can offer our husbands more hope and understanding and maybe gently ask for things that might work better. Thanks, Rebekah!

  7. Yes, Yes, and Yes from a man. It has been crushing with the continual rejection from my wife of regular intimacy and sexual closeness. We may have sex but I have to ask, she will lay there motion less and stair off into space. Everything I do is wrong. I make 100% of the effort to sexually please and she seems to get satisfaction in saying she is getting even from all the “releases” I have had. After sex she will complain, and say hurtful things like I tore her vagina to shreds. You can have a physical release, but as a man you want to connect deeper. Being denied this connection wears me down as a husband. If I give her hug than squeeze her breast, she lashes out in anger and not love. No, I don’t do it everyday, and if I do it is at home in private. The statement of you marry a women because you feel god made this person for companionship and sex really is correct. Hearing her say she services me or using sex as payment for getting to stay out with friends really hurts. When she says the next day, you can’t disagree with me, I gave you sex, just sucks. Or saying see, I gave you sex and you are now doing this. It is not what God intended between man and women in marriage and honoring him.

    1. Sad Husband,

      Thank you for sharing!

      I wonder if you might allow me to quote you in a future post anonymously, please?

      I think this is an important message for wives to hear.

    2. Sad Husband: I’m sorry, man. I feel your pain. Will your wife go to counseling? It didn’t work for my marriage, because my wife rejected what the various counselors said, but it was worth doing because she for sure wasn’t hearing it from me. Perhaps your wife will be different? Either way, your marriage is so important that it justifies doing everything you can. I pray for change for you like what Thankful Husband has experienced.

    3. I’m so sorry for you!
      I understand that a lot of things that your wife communicates to you must be very hurtful but my only tip is to communicate. Try to listen to her explain how she feels. Try not to get angry or hurt. Explain humbly how much sex means to you, not only physically but for your intimacy.
      And also… at least for me. Sex is not way as personal for me as it is for my husband. I think that if I reject him sexually that has NOTHING to do with how much I love him. I know now that that’s totally crazy for a man and also for me sex is becoming more and more one part of our relationship. But, try not to take her refusal and lack of interest so personal.
      Sex can be quite demanding for us women sometimes, even though we love our husbands so much, and we can feel like we something grand if we had sex even if we were just staring in the ceiling. So even if you think that your sex lacks in many ways, try to show appreciation. In the morning say something like: Thanks for yesterday baby, I really loved being close to you (don’t approach her for more, just be thankful). I believe that when we show appreciation for the little things we will get more.
      1. Communicate about sex without anger or demands
      2. Don’t take the refusals so personal (there can be so many things that make us not feel like having sex and most often it’s concerning us, not you)
      3. Show appreciation

      This is sacrificial, but the bigger the sacrifice, the bigger the gain. Go for it and good luck! Things surely can change (and also women tend to get more and more sexually interested as the years go by).

    4. Oh, and I wanted to ask – does she have medical issues where she is having pain during sex? That can make it very hard for wives to want to have sex – when they are in excruciating pain. 🙁 If so, let me know and I will see what resources I can find. I want to see huge healing in your marriage! I am praying for you!

    5. I have been hearing more of this over the last year or two, as husbands courageously become more vocal about what’s churning and burning inside. Sad Husband I am really very sorry to hear this and even I, a career selfish single for so long, can attest that, NO, this is not God’s intent. This is one of the reasons why I have lately been taking time to count the cost of what it means to take care of my future husband, and to do everything possible to make sure he doesn’t feel I despise him as a person just because he wants to be desired. This is a true test of selflessness.

      I am really kind of shocked to learn this is so common. I gave up watching TV three years ago so I tend to be late with what all is going on in popular cultural; but one thing I have noticed is that there seems to be this surge of women who are just mean and pride themselves on the ability to be sexually brazen and/or sexually manipulative–THAT is problematic.

      I hope you all have a good bible-teaching pastor and some marriage professionals they can refer you to, because I would say this is definition a 911 situation.

  8. Excellent dialogue, and I enjoyed reading the comments as much as the blog. April, thank you for handling a difficult subject with such grace.

    1. Lynne,
      Thanks for the comment! This is a tough topic – with so much pain on both sides of the marriage relationship.

      I am hoping to use some of the comments in a future post – there are some really great ideas here!

  9. They say a person’s true nature manifests itself when making love or when driving a car. – If husband and wife truly love each other, they will find those expressions of sexual passion that are mutually acceptable and desireable and that are within the moral perimeters of their religious beliefs. You have to speak up, especially if there is some difference in your cultural backgrounds.

    1. Josephine,

      Great point!

      I think many women don’t say what they want or need – or maybe sometimes we do say it but possibly in a harsh way. I would love to see us learn to communicate about what we want and need gently and also to listen to what our husbands want and need, too.

      Thank you!

      1. A little while back I wrote a list in the notebook in my husbands iPhone. It was a list of things I think is romantic. A year back I wrote a similar list but then I just listed activities and things I wished for. He did some of them and that was great but this time I focused more on everything that I find romantic and what makes me feel loved. I wrote things like “when you carry heavy things (for me)”, “when you act protective and loving towards the kids”, “when you touch me in a caring and protective way”, “flowers”, “taking me to the cinema”, “when you dance for me”…

        This was such a great thing! (It took me many years to understand but my husband really loves lists, even when I write him to-do-lists… I’m always wondering if it’s disrespectful but he always responds very positively. I guess he likes when his actions gets clear results and that I can notice easily what he’s doing!) Anyway… I’ve tried to explain to him for all our marriage that it means so much to me when he touches me caringly and protectively but I think I haven’t expressed myself too good before. Now I found those two words and he understands! =) And also, if he’s understood it before he’s forgotten it soon anyway. Now he gets reminded now and then when he checks the list and I have really enjoyed how he’s touched me the last month or more since I wrote the list. If he’s got my point before it has only lasted for a day or so… 🙂 🙂

        1. If your husband loves lists – it is NOT disrespectful! If you are not dictating to him, but just giving him the opportunity to be your hero – and you don’t resent him if he doesn’t do those things – then I say, “WRITE LISTS for him!” 🙂

          Please let me quote you in a post! I think that idea may work for some other marriages, too. 🙂

  10. Sometimes I feel that my husband approaches me crude or “immature”. But then I try to focus on that this signalizes that he’s feeling well and unlimited. My husband has been depressed sometimes and then he don’t do that, and I want him to be happy. Sometimes he dances for me in a fun way with a sexual twist. I don’t think I would like that some years back but now I truly rejoice. I can see that he’s feeling happy and free – he’s letting it all out, showing me his emotions without fear and without having to regulate how he wants to approach me. I want to give him that gift – that he can just be himself around me, trusting that I love him always.

    1. Theresia,
      Aww! What a beautiful attitude you have developed. I love that you can see through his approach to his heart and that it means he deeply loves you and feels free to be himself. That is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing!

  11. I hope to do a few posts on husbands’ perspectives of this issue. One thing I would like to address is:
    – what does sexual rejection in marriage do for a man physically/emotionally/spiritually
    – what does sexual acceptance do for a man? How does a wife’s willing, joyful responsiveness impact a husband’s heart and soul?

    Thank you!

    1. Peaceful wife,
      Can I make a suggestion to add one line right before what does rejection/acceptance mean? I think you need to define what rejection and acceptance is. In my experience husbands and wives have vastly different definitions of this….and that therefore leads to a ton of heartbreak, frustration and strife because while we think we are working towards the same goal often times we are not even playing on the same field. Hope that makes sense.

      1. I’ll give it my best shot, but I’m no expert. I think it comes down to communication between the husband and wife, because no couple is going to be alike. If all men were alike and all women were alike…it wouldn’t matter who we married but we are unique with unique needs. Preferably this happens before marriage. If the prospective husband says I know I need sex five times a week and to have you actively involved and enjoying it right alongside me most of the time (I get there are times where a wife just ministers/loves her husband and is just there…but that can’t be the norm) and the prospective wife thinks sex once a month or even once a week is her max. Well it’s probably time to call of the wedding because you are just setting yourself up for disaster. However, most of us just didn’t get that kind of counsel before marriage so we do the best we can…but start communicating today, right now and don’t be shy…being open and blunt goes a long way.

        The other part of it besides communication is obviously understanding where your spouse is coming from. While we are unique individuals we have to understand that certain things are normal, okay. I was just watching an old war movie about WWII and the American troops were coming up on the beach to fight the germans. However, the french troops who were guarding the beach didn’t believe the leaflets dropped by the Americans beforehand to let them know they were indeed Americans and not to shoot. The Americans announced beforehand and even once one the beach that they were on the same team. Yet out of fear, they ended up shooting it out and countless lives were lost. That’s marriage a lot of the time. We are on the same team yet we don’t understand the other’s intentions so instead of coming alongside them and helping them (and getting the help we so desperately need) we end up shooting it out.

        So to that end and I won’t speak for all husbands but my definition of sexual acceptance is 1 )accepting that my needs/desires are healthy, correct and not wrong or too demanding 2)trying with everything you have to meet those needs (and she has my promise to treat her needs in life just as urgently and fervently)

        What that looks like in real life for me is we are pretty much an every other night couple, sometimes it’s a couple in a row (sometimes a morning, followed by the next night) & sometimes we take two nights in a row off if we are extremely tired or if someone is sick. She is available, involved (not staring at the ceiling) and doesn’t resent me need for her. If indeed for some reason she’s not up to the task, she will gladly give me a hj or sometimes a bj with a kiss and I love you before and after (and during) because really sex for us sure if physical but it’s emotional & even spiritual…not sure how to explain that except to say it’s the closest thing I will ever experience to heaven until I’m there.

        Now she had to both go through a mind/heart change to get to this point and even take testostrone (she tested at zero).

  12. I read the post and I really felt so nice and amazed the way you think/do to deal with such a delicate and an important matter of any relation.

    I highly appreciate the way you understand a Man’s heart and MentalityPsychology. And that even in a positive way.

    I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but

    The way you have suggested to wives/females to deal with their husbands/partners on their unusual demands or valid demands on wrong time or in bad mood are really really appreciable.
    I think whatever you have suggested here if any wife/female understand and applies it in her life she won’t only be able to deal the scenario/situation successfully and gracefully but she will certainly win the more love, more trust and more heart of her husband/partner.

    She will definitely be a true partner and a Better half. A true lady who has been leading the Relations, Lives, Families, Society and the world…. 🙂

    Thanks… By the way I am a bachelor yet 😉

  13. I don’t want this to seem like silly questions, but I’m not married yet and I have always wondered about sex and marriage. It’s been something that I knew happened in marriage but I just… It escapes me.

    1. I have fallen into sexual sins before, and I’ve never really had a good image of myself and the idea of sex. Just the idea really bothers me. Maybe that will change on my wedding day, but what if it doesn’t? How could I possibly think about that in order to make it seem okay to me?

    2. What can a husband and wife do in a situation where they are just not able to be around each other for awhile (traveling for work, etc)? The Thankful Husband brought up his points of how drained he feels without his wife in those ways. Then what? I don’t believe masturbation is okay, ever. What does it leave a married couple?

    I probably have more questions, but I’m really just too embarrassed to keep going on here. I ask that you all are patient with me as I try to learn what to expect the day I get married. Sex is definitely a topic that I’ve never really talked about and don’t even know what to think of. It’s never had good memories associated with it. Thanks.

    1. Brittany,
      I will do my best to answer your questions if you want to email me –
      And you can always ask questions anonymously without your name here if you would like to.

      I would recommend reading Intended for Pleasure a month or two before you get married.
      I would also recommend Tommy Nelson’s study on the Song of Solomon.

      And then keep in mind that God created sex to be a very good thing in marriage – the one flesh relationships is an earthly picture of the one spirit relationship between Christ and His church. There is guilt with sex outside of marriage because it is destructive outside of marriage. God can forgive us! THANKFULLY! And let us have a new start emotionally and spiritually. But there is baggage to overcome when there are already experiences before marriage. You will need the power of God and Jesus’ blood. He paid for that sin. You can ask Him for forgiveness and turn from it and He can renew your heart and mind about a healthy view of sex.

      When couples can’t be together, or there is chronic illness or medical conditions – that can be quite a challenge. I have a post by a 40 year old single guy, Justin, about submitting our sexual desire to the Lord here. His ideas are helpful before marriage and after marriage in times like these.

      Much love to you, my sister! Great questions!

    2. Brittany,
      Since you reference me, I’ll respond as best I know. First, just knowing that your current struggle & image or idea of sex is not the correct one to have once you are married to your husband is half the battle. You know that you need to have a positive view…when a wife is having a battle with this in her mind it sure helps to here very, very regularly “I love with all my heart and I want to be your sexy wife. I’ll get there, be patient with me. I want to get there because you are the world to me”…we are all works in progress as husbands and wives but it hear it takes the hopelessness out of the equation for the husband. He knows it won’t be like this forever. I know our battle/progress has taken years and while I look back at that time with heartache I wouldn’t change a thing if it got us to this place. Just let your husband know that you agree on where you need to be and that you are actively working to get there…that means ALOT!

      As far as travel. I’m fortunate in that I run my own business so my family travels with me when I have to travel. But there is once, at the most twice, a year where my wife goes to take care of a family member for four days or so or goes to a scrapbooking event with her friends for a few days and to be honest….she knows me and accepts me for who I am. So I get “taken care of”directly before and directly upon arrival (did I mention I have the greatest wife ever!) but she also plans to not be gone for more than a few days, once in a great while 5 (like every five years). To be honest I can’t give you alot of advice outside of that…I’m not sure how couples who have to be apart for long periods do it… To be honest I could handle the military as I’m not afraid of bullets coming my way but this is the one thing that would terrify me & I probably couldn’t do it.. Your husband may be different.

      1. Both of you made good points. I know that my image of sex will one day need to change upon marriage. I know the Lord has the power to change it with me.

        I appreciate the answers. It’s really helpful.

  14. In connection to my previous comment “I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but”
    I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but actually it’s an uncontrollable, unintentionally, circumstantially “Ejaculation of Emotions”. Sometimes it is a result or product of frustration, Sometimes Overwhelmed by love, Sometimes over happiness, Sometimes tiredness. Sometimes discrepancy, Sometimes fear and list can go on…
    So the bottom line is that it’s not at all a deliberately created situation or habit. You just need to observe n figure out why,when,how this happened.

    Why I got amazed is the way you have described the things with a man’s perspective. Because being a partner it’s a moral responsibility to handle a partner regardless of gender. I could connect myself in the suggestions made to wives to deal an unusual demand or action of male partner. I’ll certainly feel much calm, cool, love, affectionate and peace if my to be partner respond in any of above way to my such an unusual sexual demand or act (Ejaculation of Emotions).

    In My religion(Hindu) it’s a “Dharma” – one of the Supreme Duties to Protect, understand and support our partner in bad and good and in any situation till last breath.

    I think you are a very good wife who understands a man’s psychology plus who can see so deep in man’s heart and having such an excellent understandings.
    In any couple partner t it is essential to know his/her partner’s heart and psychology, Not just to know but also understands each other and act accordingly.

    Thank you Peaceful Wife 🙂

    1. Thanks, Mrugrajj,

      You are welcome here.

      I like the concept of Dharma. That is beautiful.

      Any wisdom I have is from God. He has taught me these amazing truths and I pray He might use me to shine for Him so others can find a relationship with Him and find His path to true joy, peace and abundant life. 🙂

  15. It has taken some 14 years of marriage to figure out why I was feeling so unloved. Not only was I not getting emotional support and feeling the homefront was all and well, but when I would return, from extended leave (gone 1-to 2 months) I would not only want a big hug and hello from wife but the physical desire to have sex when I set eyes on here and overcome with desire and to have her put it off or like I only viewed her as a piece of meat hurt so much and caused major conflict. She now says if she never has sex again she would be content and happy. She says her job is done after having four kids.

    The comments on this post just reaffirm me why I feel this way.

    By the way I went to Focus on the Family for refferal of christian counsler. The one were seeing has been horrible at addressing the issues. The female counsler seems to enjoy saying I’m an asshole. When the topic of sex came up and my wife says she only has sex out of fear, (ouch that hurts my soul). the counseler stares at me and condemns me and says do you want this for your wife.

    Somewere in this is a lesson from God. It hurts so much and I am miserable thinking how horribly this affects my beloved children. I want my wife to be happy, and it’s apparent I can not do it.

    I pray for April, you don’t become bogged down in the negativity of this. Like a police officer who only investigates homicides it changes you.

    I have been learning alot of wisdom from the males and females taking the time to share.

    1. Speaking as the wife who first posed this question to April.. if your wife associates sexuality with pain (mine was excruciating for several years), after a while it’s impossible to separate your negative feelings about how it feels, from your feeling about sexuality in general and then after a longer while from your feelings about your husbands sexuality. Suddenly you wake up one day and realize you’d just like the whole mess to go away because you don’t know how to cope or fix it. And in my case that meant constant rejection of my husbands advance because I didn’t want to be reminded of the pain, or of my limitations and failures.

      I would definitely recommend better counseling!! My continued search for solutions, for how to respectfully handle things, for how to meet my husbands needs in spite of physical limitations, trying to understand what it means to him etc has mostly been spurred on by Christian people in my life who lovingly remind me that this part of my marriage is too important to just give up or check out on. So we continue to pray, talk and seek answers both individually and as a couple.

      1. MV,
        I’m glad you commented! 🙂

        When there is sexual dysfunction and PAIN – sex can be such an overwhelming challenge. Thank you for sharing your perspective – I don’t know if many husbands appreciate just how excruciatingly painful sex can be for women at times. It adds an enormous burden to the marriage when this is the case.

        I’m glad that you are continuing to look for help. I’m so proud of you!!!!

    2. Sad Husband,

      My heart breaks for you and your wife!!!! 🙁

      I wonder if your wife would be willing to see a male counselor with you? Or at the very least, a counselor who can at least try to address both sides with respect?

      Your wife has sex out of fear – as in, fear that she will upset you if she doesn’t? Or fear that you’ll cheat?

      Is there anything your wife says that might help her be more receptive? Is she actually having physical pain during sex?

      I believe you are tasting just a bit of the pain that God experiences when we reject Him spiritually. And then to see the way He continues to love us deeply and gives us so many chances and even sacrificed Himself for us when we still viewed Him as our enemy. This can definitely help us to understand how much God longs to connect spiritually with us – and how much He is grieved when we don’t want Him and turn Him away. He is a gentleman. He doesn’t force Himself on us spiritually – just like a loving husband doesn’t force himself on his wife sexually.
      And He is perfect Husband – yet we still reject Him.

      This rejection you are experiencing may have a lot more to do with your wife’s physical pain and fear and mindset than it has to do with her rejection of you personally. I don’t know if that eases the pain at all. But that is my guess.

      Thankfully – God showed me early on how to not carry the weight of other people’s problems – but to leave it at His feet – or it would definitely crush me.

      But – I also get to see God do many miracles each week. So when I look at your marriage – I see all that God wants to do and I can look ahead to the miracles He has in store. I can already see the healing, peace and joy that God desires to bring to you and your wife. I know that it will be a painful road – but I know where the end of the road is and I completely trust and have faith that God is ABLE to bring great glory for Himself in your situation. So I see your pain. And I HURT for you. Then I take you and your wife and lay you both in the sovereign, powerful arms of Jesus and I know that He can bring beauty from ashes. Now I look forward to what His plans are for you both and your precious children!

      I pray that God might give you wisdom and His love and power to lead with His Spirit leading you. I pray for Him to draw you and your wife to Himself. And I pray for Him to bring healing to your sexual unity and intimacy as well as the emotional and spiritual intimacy in your marriage.

  16. To the wife that is offended and feels like a piece of “meat” believe basic communication and talking what your husbands does that offends you. Just let him what you don’t like, Men are not mind readers. But then tell him what you do “like” when he speaks to you.

    Our culture sends and protrays so many false signals, in movies, TV , ads…. A husband views one of these
    media samples and thinks his wife will respond positively!
    Maybe some wifes do respond positively! Some like you do not. Just a question of likes. If you just tell him you don’t like it , but again at the same time tell him what you like so you don’t leave him with nothing to go on.

    Regading what it feels like when my wife responds positively to sex? It feels like “home”. When she fully
    embraces me sexually, no hang ups, and just does what I like and enjoy. Like cooking my favorite meall with all the trimmings. Who would not be HAPPY!! ???

    We’ve been married over 25 yrs. things were really bad, her hang ups and pass regarding sex and certain
    acts. I would have left, but the Lord is good, I made a committment to say no matter what , even if I did not get what I desired. And then, do you know what happened?
    One day she was just ok with it, and does it willingly and offen!

    I look back and could have blown it, I guess the Lord rewards those who stick to their vows, (but I do know
    it’s not like this in every relationship :(.

    When my wife did not respond to may advances and would then make time to read her Bible and pray (I guess she just using the praying part , as her excuse for not being together. All I could think about was her rejection, 24/7. I would try with all my strenght to put on a happy face and act like it did not matter.

    I great sex book by a Christian author Dr. Lehman, titled
    “Sheet Music” really helped make sex good, the book was very funny and put things in perspective !!

    I would then seek out sex sites (husband and wives)
    Yes, it’s wrong, but not viewing the sites to get
    stimulated. But I was amazed at all the happy wives
    who do things for thier husbands, happyly.

    My question over and over to the Lord. was “why are some wives so willing and able to do almost anything for thier husbands and some wives (espiecailly Christian wives) so intent on destroying thier relationship with their husbands and make sex as “evil, dirty and bad”. Why does God bring two people like this together, how can we give God Glory, when things in the bedroom is so miserable?

    Back to the topic at hand, unless the wife can look at her
    husband and “KNOW” that he does not treat her “like meat”, she can play along with her. But if it is truly something that offends her, talk about it in love.

    Jack B.

  17. In David’s perspective he does what I’ve seen a lot of men do: he responds as though it is a safe assumption that the man has the correct perspective and need not change. I was ready to hear some wonderfully warm comments and beautiful metaphors that I KNOW men are capable of coming up with about what sex with that one special woman means to them, (just look at the songs and poetry they’ve written) but instead he starts right out talking about how she must be misinterpreting. I think there should be a little less focus on the way posts like this where a wife is simply reporting and bringing observation to her experience “makes men look”. The wife’s perception should be prioritized properly in a situation like this because there is a thin line to cross over into abuse. Because we are all fallen, frail, and fallible human beings, we WILL from time to time ACTUALLY DO THINGS that SIMPLY ARE a bad look.

    This wife is not his ex-wife. All women are not the same. Some think kissing a certain way is disgusting and it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SHAME MESSAGES FROM THE CHURCH OR PAST SEXUAL ABUSE; I think that’s a bit of a broad brush because there are some churches that encourage great sex lives within marriage and have done so at least since the early 1990’s (I’ve been in a few). Some women want stimulation more than penetration, and it doesn’t have to be a statement that she thinks his “thing” is repulsive; some women have no interest in sex at that same moment as their husbands because of how she feels about an outstanding issue that he said, “Let’s just drop it” about but the root problem is not yet solved. Also, there is a whole context that we must reckon with, and it involves the epidemic of pornography—not just with all the new technology and easy access, but also because of the history of probably most men and exposure to it as boys.

    I’ve seen that many men have a habit of going straight into advice and instruction mode about how the woman needs to adjust herself to the man’s satisfaction, without giving due consideration to the fact that maybe the guy was doing something off. It’s kind of like 3 sets of 3 words that some men have difficulty with: “I don’t know” or “I love you” or “I was wrong”–none of these three need be the death of you. I don’t like it when one man speaks for all or most men, because I believe it is an adult function in any relationship, especially a marriage, to represent one’s own mind–no actors or pastors or comedians turned relationship or manhood experts and making all of this money with their books. I’ve never understood the need for articles and books called “50 Things Men Wish Women Knew”, and I’m standing there thinking, “Why is he wishing when he can speak; maybe not using 200 words like the woman, but he may need to use 20. Why are grown people speaking to each other through other people—so-called experts?” I hope I’m not oversimplifying here but I just genuinely do not see the reason for the complication most times.

    If I am unhappy with something my man does, I want our relationship to be mature enough that I can approach him at an appropriate moment and say, “Oh Papa, I’m sorry I really don’t care for when you stick your tongue in my ear” (outside of the actual moment he’s doing it); it doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that. The idea that the wife is supposed to be pleased with and approving of EVERYTHING a husband wants to give or that he can think up in his mind is a fantasy. Me, I’m a little cerebral so my husband will score big with intellectual stimulation; there’s nothing like a meeting of the minds and a sprinkling of verbal sparring to get me all hot and bothered! Another one would be when he sets “his boys” straight about our roles toward one another; something like, “Uh, no, actually I don’t ‘control my woman’ as you put it. She has a mind and a pretty good sensibility about etiquette and decorum because she’s an adult.” or like if some guy says, “Wow man, she really knows her place” he says, “Thank you for the compliment, I think. What exactly is her place by the way?” or “He He, all you need to know is my wife takes care of me; I’m a blessed man”–major turn-on! Those types of little “talk-backs” do at least 4 things: 1. Helps dispel myths and chip away at some of the sexist nasty culture a lot of men have been socialized with, 2. Affirms that I am a person who happens to also be his wife and when someone asks me a question, I don’t always automatically respond with, “Uh, Jared, what do I think?” 3. It shows “his boys” that they are dealing with a grown man who can value what they meant to each other “back in the day” in proper proportion to his relationship with me and what he is NOW, and 4. It protects me and relieves me of having to defend my emotions under attack by those who are positioned in society as stronger than me.

    Anyway, my point? A few, actually. Women are various and multi-featured, knowing the thinking of one woman does not constitute expertise on how WOMEN think. Please balance your imagination of the dilemma and its causes and remedies more from the idea that it is possible that the situation is exactly as the wife is observing it; (she’s not “overreacting”) failing to do this serves to negate her experience as a figment of her imagination, without thought to what she may be basing it on and is disrespectful. What some of us women are concerned about is that sometimes there are men who pressure so much for specific sexual acts despite the wife’s misgivings, and are so quick to dismiss those misgivings and chalk it up to some kind of pre-existing social or religious condition. Hey guys, it could be that she just doesn’t like the act, and it’s a scary thought that there are men out there who will prioritize a specific act over the wives they say they love so much that they will go get some random woman to do what they wants to meet their “need” anyway (doesn’t look like laying down one’s life to me).

    One thing I CAN TELL YOU WITH CERTAINTY; when you talk about a woman of pure heart and mature character, there is ALMOST NOTHING SHE WILL NOT WANT TO DO WITH YOU if she is CERTAIN in her innermost parts that you’re after HER and see HER and are not just using her to stroke your own ego (and I have no objections to the ego needing strokes) or trying to stay current with what your friends are talking about they are getting (which I would hope none of you even have those kinds of friends) or because you saw some maneuver in a magazine or something.

    1. Marie: I think you’re doing me a disservice; perhaps you missed my full comment (March 31 at 4:00 p.m.). The first paragraph of my comment took the wife’s statement at face value and merely suggested a diplomatic response for her that would communicate her discomfort without squelching her husband’s proper desire for her. My second paragraph (from which April quoted in the main post) specifically and repeatedly qualified what I was saying, in case this wife’s husband truly was being completely inappropriate by anyone’s definition. I said: “As far as the underlying problem of feeling like a piece of meat, this is a devastating feeling to have or belief to hold IF IN FACT it’s not the husband’s attitude but merely the wife’s interpretation of it. I’M GOING TO ASSUME that the husband is a Christian and/or that, either way, he’s not an outright slug who actually views his wife as just a piece of meat. IF THAT ASSUMPTION IS CORRECT . . .,” and so forth. In the last paragraph of my comment I specifically agreed that husbands can sometimes use some help in learning more gentlemanly or tender ways to express their desire for their wives and that they can be clumsy in expressing their desire.

      My main point — in case I did not make it clear in the earlier comment — was this: If a Christian wife wrongly believes that her husband views her as merely a piece of meat, that misinterpretation of his attitude will be devastating to him and to their relationship. Most of the time, a Christian husband’s attitude is actually much more wholesome than perhaps the wife realizes: he chose to marry her because SHE is the woman he wanted to have sex with for the rest of his life; he wants to have sex with HER as often as reasonably possible, not with any and every woman he sees; and he wants to have sex with her to demonstrate his love for her and to receive from her assurance of her love and her affirmation of him as a man.

      I gathered from the wife’s subsequent comment to April — “After sitting here a while pondering your reply I have decided that my prayer needs to be this- that the Lord would allow me to really hear my husband’s heart in this area, that it would be louder than Satan’s lies about my limitations and failures” — that she agreed it was possible she was misinterpreting her husband’s intentions/motivations.

      I hope this clarifies what I was trying to say. If your experience with Christian husbands generally has been different, I’m sorry to hear that.

      1. Okay, I stepped away for awhile; I read your comments a second time and, yes, I see how you were coming from the perspective of the wife wrongly perceiving or believing her husband is basically using her. I think where my mind was is that I’ve seen too many situations where the wife’s report or raising of a concern is automatically blown off as her emotion replacing her rationality. We have a society where I’ve seen countless man and woman interactions, and husband and wife interactions (out to dine or something) where the woman gets told, “you’re overreacting”, “you’re not thinking clearly” or even, “you’re crazy” this is a form of emotional manipulation on the male side which has the affect of causing the woman to doubt herself unduly or shut her down because, after all, if something important was up HE, with his superior observational skills would have called it first, OR he already knows she is bringing something important to his attention but doesn’t want to deal with it because it will lead to him having to admit he was wrong and make some corrections.

        So, while you were saying if the woman wrongly perceives or believes he is just heartlessly manhandling her and just being a complete horndog, but his intentions were opposite to this it can be devastating, my concern was that it is such an automatic for men to vindicate and validate other men that they so often speak from that premise as though such men doing things in need of correction or improvement exist only few and far between or as tranplants from some foreign planet.

        When I was working in Dr Hegstrom’s Life Skills program back in 2007, we did a study called, “The 24 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships” and it all mostly came down to lack of external support of some kind that would validate her ability to maneuver on her own–rationally and otherwise. That is basically a situation where she is loyal to her husbands way of viewing things to an unhealthy extreme because it makes her belittle the intelligence God gave to get herself and children out of the path of this man who has serious issues.

        Again, I understand now that you were’nt saying the woman is imagining things, and I’m glad, David. But now, hopefully we can see more men using their wisdom to influence other men to look at some things they’ve been doing, even unconsciously, to facilitate the woman’s betrayal of her own faculties; how damaging statements like, “Who’s been filling your head with these crazy ideas!?” really are. I’ve had a good discussion about this with one I was dating a while back, how there are modalities of manhood that have been inculcated but never proved under scriptural scrutiny. I once asked him, “May I ask you one question? How do you that that is what what men are supposed to do?” you could sware someone gave him a Mayweather to the body or something the look on his face.

        Needless to say that’s why I’m not married to him now–one reason anyway.

      2. David –

        You’ve had some great thoughts but let me give you one more from a wife who has, indeed, felt like a piece of meat.

        I had four children in just under five years and spent a number of years with two in diapers. To say that my time and attention was full of the demands of little ones would be an understatement. Then hubby would come home. After dinner he would relax for a bit then, as bedtime neared, he would let me know that he was interested in some “adult attention.” During the time he’d been relaxing, I’d been cleaning up from dinner, giving baths, taking care of bedtime needs, laundry, etc. and this after a day full of washing dirty faces, feeding the kids, etc. By the time he started groping me it was just one more person who wanted to take something from me. Yes, he treated me like a piece of meat.

        I remember one conversation clearly. I was doing a lousy job trying to communicate how worn out I was by whining about how demanding the kids had been that day. He had “the look” in his eyes as he said, “So doesn’t all of that make you want to do something more grown – up?”

        I looked at him and said, “Like have a conversation that doesn’t involve Nick Jr., Disney, Barbie?! You bet!” He got angry. Not my finest moment, I know.

        My husband is an amazing man and a devout follower of Jesus. Sex does not make me feel connected to him no matter how good it is. It allows me to meet his needs but does nothing to meet mine. In the past we have gone days without experiencing any real conversation or “connection” outside of sex. When that happened, I could go through with the act but I got nothing out of it. In fact, I had to battle feelings of resentment as I wondered why I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to build a real relationship with. I am not, by any means, minimizing my hubby’s need for sex or trying to discount how it can make him feel when I am enthusiastically engaged. I’m simply stating that my need for a relationship that goes beyond sex is just as valid and sometimes I think that need can be minimized in discussions like this.

        You have given me much to think about and I have truly enjoyed the things you have shared. I just wanted to speak up for the wives like me. There are men out there who are communicating that their wife is, indeed, just a piece of meat and they don’t realize it much less mean to do it!

        1. @moj8668: I do not mean in any way to minimize the competing demands on your time and energy. It takes much intentional effort, strategy, prioritizing, grace, and God-enablement to be a mom and a lover, especially when the kids are young.

          But . . . think of it this way: what if your husband (“an amazing man and a devout follower of Jesus”) on a regular basis didn’t have the energy after being husband, father, church member, etc. to go to work and provide for the family? Or what if he were grumpy or begrudging about going to work rather than willing? You’d say (and I’d agree with you), “That’s no excuse.” Because an inherent promise in his decision to marry you and to become a father was that he would go to work every day, whether he felt like it or not (barring serious illness), and provide for you and the kids. Believe me — for most men, their wife’s inherent promise to willingly and frequently have sex with them is just as important to them as his promise to be a provider is to you. Yes, it can be very hard to do, but it’s extremely important to do, so it’s worth finding a way to do it. I’m sure April would have any number of practical suggestions for a mother of multiple young children to make it work — letting some of the housework go, letting some outside responsibilities go, scheduling sex in advance for certain nights during the week so that you can plan accordingly during the day, etc.

          The dichotomy you have between sex and “a real relationship” probably doesn’t exist for your husband. Actually, I don’t think it exists as far as God is concerned either. Sex IS relationship, whether it feels like it to you at the time or not. I’m sorry your husband has not done a better job of meeting your non-sexual needs, talking with you, helping out around the house, etc. But your current response to his deficiencies is counterproductive. Allowing yourself to feel no connection during sex, believing that sex only meets his needs and not yours, resentment, etc. is most likely going to drive him further away rather than draw him to you. On the other hand, I think it’s likely (not guaranteed, but likely) that if you committed to yourself that you were going to be happily available to him every time he signaled his desire for you for the next x weeks/months, you’d find that he would naturally move toward you in the ways that are meaningful to you. (This is not just a male fantasy; I’ve read numerous accounts from wives that this happened in their marriages.)

          Two further points and I’ll get off my soapbox. First, we’re already starting from behind if we buy into the common thinking that sex is good primarily for the man. It’s also good for the woman, AND it’s also good for the marriage. So when a husband insists or expects the fulfillment of his marital “rights,” he’s actually protecting and furthering the rights and interests of the marriage. The reason God limits sex to marriage isn’t to ruin the fun for all the unmarrieds; it’s to bless marriage. That’s why it’s unacceptable for either partner to defraud (KJV) or deprive the other of (happy) sex.

          Second, as I’ve said in other previous comments, your husband does NOT see you as just a piece of meat — not in general and probably not ever. I understand that you may feel that way sometimes, but that’s because you’ve told yourself that, or allowed yourself to think that, or because that’s what society and even Christian women have told you. But it’s not true, and because it’s not true, it’s not fair to him for you to think it or to act as if it’s true.

          If this sounds too unsympathetic, I’m sorry. But in our society and in our churches generally, the deprived/unsatisfied husband has become a punchline, an accepted fact of life, and something too many husbands are expected to deal with because they aren’t good enough at “relationship” stuff. But the bottom line is: it’s not right, and it’s more important to your husband (by God’s design, not because he’s a brute) than you can probably imagine.

        2. Moj,
          Precious girl! I am so sorry you are feeling so disconnected from you husband. I can’t begin to imagine how exhausted you are on a daily basis.

          Something that helped me a lot was to realize that Greg feels connected to me emotionally all the time. I used to only feel connected to him if we were talking often. It helps me to understand that he always loves me and feels connected to me as his “default” setting in our relationship.

          If you haven’t read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, that book helped me understand men and my husband especially more than any other book.

          Another thing that I think may be helpful is to say in a friendly, pleasant tone of voice and with a smile, “Honey, I WANT to be available to you sexually absolutely as much as possible. And I want to be able to be really into it with you and to be able to enjoy you. What can I take off my plate 2-3 days per week so I have enough energy for you? Are there things I can let go of, or things you might be able to help me with so I can be totally available? It would help me SO much if we could talk more during the week. That makes me feel much closer to you.”

          What do you think? 🙂

          Please let me know how you are doing!

          1. I guess I didn’t make it clear that my “babies” are all now 17-22 years of age. And I have read For Women Only. I can go very long stretches of responding to his needs without having my own met. Where we struggle is the tank eventually runs dry and he resents me for being out of resources.

            My hubby is a fantastic man and I love him to pieces. He just doesn’t understand my need for connection. The point I was trying to make was the fact that husbands need to be careful that they aren’t communicating the very message that seems to hurt them when it exists in the minds of their wives. In my case, when I feel like a piece of meat it’s because my husband has shown no appreciation for anything other than my sexuality. It’s not a constant state of being for me any more – hallelujah! – but it does still rear it’s ugly head when hubby becomes so preoccupied with his hobbies/leisure time activities that I go for days without connecting. There are still times in the week that I am forbidden from attempting to infringe upon so we’ve agreed to let him control if and when connection happens.

          2. moj8668,

            I didn’t get that the kids are all grown. Well, that probably makes things a lot easier! 🙂

            It is hard for men to understand how VERY DIFFERENT women’s needs are from theirs. Just as hard as it is for us to understand how VERY DIFFERENT their needs are from ours.

            I’m so glad things are going better.

            I’m glad that you are allowing him to decide when to connect – that sounds really good.

            Ideally – both spouses would be stretching and reaching toward understanding and meeting the other’s needs. I’m thankful that you appreciate his needs and desire to meet them. And, I am glad that your husband is such a wonderful man. That is a big help!

            I wonder if you say, “I really miss you” when he is preoccupied – would something like that help?

            Or, if, when he is ready for physical intimacy – is it possible to say, “I really want to be joyfully available to you. I think maybe I could be if we could take some time to emotionally connect first, please.”?

            I pray for wisdom for both of you to be able to experience oneness on every level in a way that fulfills you both and brings great glory and honor to God.

            Much love to you my sister!

      3. David –

        After re-reading my own post I realize I did not communicate a couple of things well – first of all, my children are all nearly grown so those demands have eased up a little. Secondly, I do participate enthusiastically and have become more “happily available” as you said. Things between hubby and I have improved but there was a long period of our lives in which that behavior tended to have the exact OPPOSITE effect of the one you mentioned. The more available I was the more he assumed everything was great and he was even less motivated to make any effort to connect.

        What I was trying to say is this – there seems to be an awful lot of blame being handed to the wife in the scenario mentioned in the blog for not understanding her husband needs. Is it possible that he is ignorant of her needs and is accidentally communicating something he does not feel? I just cringe anytime someone tries to place ALL the blame on one partner or the other. Yes, she may be clueless about how powerfully he is impacted by their sexual encounters. But he may be just a clueless about how powerfully she is impacted by connection with him outside the bedroom. Ironically, her misunderstanding of his intentions would be cleared up if they communicated more! You said – “I understand that you may feel that way sometimes, but that’s because you’ve told yourself that, or allowed yourself to think that, or because that’s what society and even Christian women have told you.” All I’m asking you to consider is that maybe, just maybe, a man who never attempts to connect with his wife in any other way may also accidentally be communicating something he has never felt. (Side note – in our ROUGHEST times hubby was never this insensitive but I have walked through tearful times with friends who are experiencing just this type of thing.)

        As you said, sex is a part of real relationship, yes, but not the only factor. My hubby needs sexual connection with me like he needs air to breathe and water to drink. My need to connect with him outside the bedroom is exactly the same.

        I have one question for you just because I don’t want you to assume anything. What do you mean when you say “sex is good for the woman”? I’m assuming you say it’s good for the marriage and the husband because it can decrease the temptation to stray (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong!) but why do you say sex is good for the woman? As for the fact that I don’t feel connected to my husband through sex, that is not a question of whether or not I allow myself to feel that way. It simply is not how I’m wired and I think I’m fairly typical in that. Believe me, I’ve prayed fervently for God to change the way I respond simply because it would have made life so much easier!

        I do not feel that you are on a soapbox at all. Quite frankly, I am enjoying the opportunity to hear a male perspective and have the chance to ask questions. These kinds of discussions with one’s spouse can be fraught with landmines as we try not to attack or get defensive! I do appreciate your thoughts!

        1. moj8668,

          I only write for wives – so, yes this post is slanted because it is not addressing husbands whatsoever.

          I don’t intend to blame wives – but to empower them to maybe be able to see their husbands’ perspectives a bit better.

          I believe sex is good for husbands and wives – as Gary Thomas says in Sacred Marriage -it is the glue that holds marriage together.

      4. Peaceful wife –

        I didn’t mean to imply that you were blaming wives – I think some “pink and blue” thinking has entered the discussion where each gender sees so clearly the fault of the other in the scenario you mentioned that there is an implication that the wife in your scenario should be able to read her man’s mind.

        And I’d love to hear more thoughts on how sex is good for the wife. I know many, many women for whom sex is uncomfortable, even painful. I know still others that feel tempted to stray if there is no emotional or spiritual connection with their spouse but could go weeks with no sex and never once feel tempted to cheat. I’m honestly seeking a new perspective on why it is good for the woman. Does good mean pleasurable? Or does it mean there are benefits for her apart from the physical pleasure?

        I guess my perspective is this – I have lived through those times (in our past) when hubby accidentally communicated to me that the only thing of value was my body. He made little/no effort to connect with me in any other way. I get why wives may feel this way. But I also get that they are wrong. Dead wrong. In my own relationship I’m striving to do what God has called me to do REGARDLESS of how my husband responds. I won’t lie – there are days it is easier than others!

        1. moj,

          Absolutely there is pink and blue thinking in this area many times. I love hearing from the husbands because it helps us understand our own husbands better many times.

          Good for the wife can certainly mean pleasure. But it can also mean bonding if we are able to approach it with that attitude. And, there are studies that even say that sex in marriage boosts a woman’s serotonin levels – like an antidepressant.

          Much love!

          1. Okay – this is just me seeking clarity simply because I do not want to assume ANYTHING. When you can say “it can also mean bonding if we are able to approach it with that attitude” are you saying that I should force a change in myself? I’m not naturally wired for sex be a “bonding” activity for me. So much of the discussion surrounding sex seems to imply that there is something inherently wrong with your God-given design if sex is not a bonding experience for you.

            I truly am just seeking clarity on the issue – how can I be the person God created me to be, meet my husband’s need, and not have to fabricate responses to make him happy?!

          2. Moj,
            I think it can be possible, if a wife is not dealing with pain or severe scars from abuse or medical issues, for us to focus on the good things about sex with our husbands. Maybe this wouldn’t work for everyone, I don’t know. But, I know God is able to change our minds and hearts and change the way we think about lots of things. Age has done that in my life many times.

            I think it could be interesting to apply Philippians 4:8 to sex with our husbands. Whatever we focus on grows. I know for me, if I focus on things that I don’t like, things I want to change, things that are bad… I am going to see nothing but bad things. I have definitely done that in many areas in the past. But, as God changed my heart and mind, as I focused in the good things in my husband or about a situation and thought about things to be thankful for and things to appreciate, soon, the bad things seemed to shrink and the good things overtook almost my whole field of vision.

            Sometimes, it also helps me to read stories from widows. It really puts things in perspective for me. If I can think about, what if this week or today is my last day with my husband, how do I want to spend that time? What memories do I want to create? That perspective can be very powerful.

            The mind is extremely powerful. We have the ability to use our imagination for great good and healing or for destructive purposes. When we use our thoughts to focus on gratitude, appreciation, blessings and the gifts God has given us, we may find our feelings change.
            Much love!

          3. moj,

            Check out this husband’s story. God can change people – He can change their sex drives, too. Something interesting to think and pray about. 🙂

            For about the first 9 years of our marriage it looked like there was a
            0 percent chance of having anything resembling a healthy sex life. In
            fact, we slept in separate bedrooms for many years. We had four
            children so people assumed we were doing it all the time, but the truth
            is we were extremely efficient when it came to conception.

            My wife was either pregnant or nursing for almost all of those 9 nears,
            so you would think that might have factored into it, but not really.
            She made a point from time to time to tell me that she did not find me
            attractive or my love making satisfying. I would say we actually had
            sex about 4 to 6 times per year, maybe. And most of that was a “let’s
            just get this over with” type of operation.

            For several reasons, I never considered leaving her over it. For those
            same reasons I wasn’t going to have an affair. I also didn’t really see
            the point in trying for force my wife or guilt her into doing it.
            There’s nothing satisfying about making love to someone who clearly
            doesn’t want to be there.

            So I just prayed about it to the Lord. That doesn’t mean I complained
            to the Lord about my wife. It means I prayed positive statements of
            faith over our love making. I said things like, “Thank you Lord that my
            wife finds me attractive and cannot keep her hands off of me in the
            name of Jesus.”

            From there I just basically tried to stay in the Lord’s rest. I had
            tried and failed with my wife, so there was nothing left to do but put
            it the Lord’s hands and stay positive. I complimented my wife on how
            she looked. When she said she felt guilty about not wanting to have
            sex, I didn’t use that as an opportunity to apply pressure. I would say
            that I was just grateful that she let (touch her sometimes). I would make statements about our marathon love making
            sessions or outfits that she could incorporate into our love making.
            They were jokes and taken as such, but it at least made the subject of
            lovemaking sort of fun instead of contentious.

            Quite honestly, after a little while I didn’t think about it all that
            much. I continued my positive faith statements about our marriage and
            love making, but I have no idea how long I did it because I wasn’t
            really keeping track. My relationship with the Lord was really growing
            during that period and that was more than enough to satisfy me.

            Then all of a sudden one day, literally out of nowhere, my wife, for
            lack of a better word, “snapped” in a positive way. She surprised me by
            changing her last name to mine, something she had refused to do for
            nine years. Told me how much she appreciated me, and got really, really
            interested in having sex.

            Now my wife finds me extremely attractive and cannot keep her hands off
            of me. She thinks about having sex with me all day. She buys outfits to
            incorporate into our love making. She sends me sexy texts. She has to
            try really, really hard not to harass me constantly.

            It had to be God. Because I am basically the exact same guy I have been
            for these past nine years. I had started lifting weights, and she goes
            on and on about how great I look, but no one else has ever once
            commented that they could tell I have been lifting weights. God just
            zapped her. After nine years we have finally entered the honeymoon
            period of our marriage.

          4. Oh!

            Another thing to consider –

            Talk to some wives who have been rejected a couple hundred – or a few thousand times sexually by their husbands. That is an extremely painful position to be in. It can kind of help a wife to begin to see that maybe being sexually desired might actually be a blessing.

    2. Joseph,

      this is a big revelation for me, how that there are really a lot of wives out there that have Stilettoed their husbands’ jujube dolls. It is heartbreaking. Manflu? Seriously?

      I know I have seen what they’re doing on the shows and what not, making men look like incurable idiots or bumbling blockheads! I remember back in the 90’s, that guy Al Bundy and his so-called family; I knew something sinister was afoot. I am very careful about using a “This person did this because that person did that” structure, but I can definitely say that for all the times I’ve observed what seems to be a rise in overt misogyny in our society today, I must also factor in the deep hurt and alienation that many men have been silently carrying–much in response to the treatment of their own wives.

      The bible says in Peter that marriage is “The grace of life”; it alarms me as a young woman considering marriage prospects that too often, it’s more like the grate of life! I’ve had gripes about men with the whole, “Men are not always right but we are never wrong” mentality and what not, but this is valuable information from the male perspective. I believe there is a one-to-one correlation between wives who are tearing down their homes and the absolute EXPLOSION of all of these alternative lifestyles that all serve to discard marriage and prioritize individual lusts. From where I sit, we have a crisis of men and women just giving up even dealing with each other–I WAS THERE, just by what I’d witnessed from men. But I have been slowly coming back around as I am reminded of 1st Corinthians 11 where it says woman was made for man and that man is the glory of God and elsewhere when it tells me that my ministry to my husband is a giant part of my worship to the Lord.

      When I was growning up, I used to see more several older men who’d been married like 30, 40, 50 years, and whenever young men would adk them for marriage advice, time and time again I saw them say, “Listen to your wife”. What that meant to me is what Proverbs 31 said when it talks about her husband’s heart “safely trusts in her” and hiw when wives follow God’s script, the husband grows into this person who is capable of some pretty amazing things. Today? I’m sad to observe that there are probably not as many husbands who can safely trust and pass on to the young bucks, “Listen to your wife” she has to earn that because it’s a big thing for a man to let his guard down.

      1. If the wife feels disrespected by her husband, the he should just stop what he’s doing. It’s that simple. I got tired reading the article and some of the comments..why complicate such things?

        1. Aisling,

          There is definitely plenty of room for husbands to improve, too.

          I am only writing for wives and focusing on what wives can change and what we can do in these situations – but it would be ideal if husbands would be sensitive to their wives’ needs. Absolutely.

  18. Ok, I have read almost everything here. I want to point out that when you (a wife – and I mean me) have asked your husband (meaning my husband) to not do (XYZ) while I’m trying to (ABC) or in front of the children (because I do not want them to think it is appropriate behavior in “public”).

    What I prefer is to be talked to about sex, touched in our bedroom (yes even groped in the bedroom), etc. In company, I prefer to be kissed, hugged with affection (not the will to feel my breasts pushed against his body), etc. I am more than happy to oblige sexual advances when I haven’t had my breasts “tweaked” throughout the day. Especially since I have breastfed our children. I also don’t want every word of rebuttal in relationship to my conversation to be a sexual innuendo.

    I want to be a submissive wife, but I also think that this is not Christian behavior. Is this how Christ loved the church? By being disrespectful? Did Christ grope the church (either the verb or noun definition of the word grope)? I don’t think so.

    I found this page because I was looking for answers to a problem I have, and apparently, other women do too. I’m sad to see women attacking each other. I do submit to my husband’s sexual desires, even at the sake of my own feelings and wants and needs. Even if we did have sex several times a day, the groping would continue (because we have done this before).

    1. Groped Out,

      I can certainly appreciate your desire to keep many things in the bedroom and private – not in front of the children or in public. That doesn’t sound like an unreasonable request.

      What does your husband say when you ask him politely to save certain things for your private time?

      How often is this happening? How old are your children?

      I am assuming you are both believers in Christ?

      What were things like before marriage and in the beginning of your marriage?

      It’s wonderful to meet you! I hope we can hash through this and try to find an agreeable solution and compromise for you in this situation so that you both will feel respected.

      1. Peaceful Wife,

        Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

        In answer to your questions :
        – my husband listens, but he does not follow through on his claims,
        – this happens several times a day (he currently is out of work and has been for over a year),
        – we have 3 children, a 2 yr old boy, a 6 yr old boy, and a 12 year old girl,
        – we are both believers in Christ, though I feel we are unequally yoked (though this was not the case prior to marriage); I have grown in my faith so much in the past year and my husband doesn’t even open his Bible or he falls asleep during Sunday school and church,
        – things have changed greatly since we got married; since we have been together he has had an emotional affair on 3 occassions with his ex-fiancee even professing love to her and exchanging pictures with her.

        I am praying that God will help my husband become the head of our household, our spiritual leader. I am also praying that God will work on me to be a submissive wife.

        I feel that in some instances that some husbands do only flirt or grope or give compliments in order to get what they want sexually and I do believe this is due to sexual sin.. perhaps generational curses too. I feel this is part of my husband’s problem and that he believes (while he may not say it) that he can do whatever he wants and does not have to worry about the consequences. The reason I say that is due to his actions on sinful things and his inaction on rightful things.

        I feel doomed in this relationship because I (due to my own feelings) feel that my husbands affairs with this woman is really what he wants. He even defended her when I sent an email to her emploring her to leave us alone and she repliied in a very ugly manner. She is also married and a “Christian.” I guess that is part of the reason I feel that being groped by my husband is just for sex.

        I feel I am rambling on… I apologize for that. I really do want to be a peaceful, loving, and submissive wife. I have been before… what now?

        By the way, I am sorry for the husbands whose wives do not have sex with you for whatever the reason may be. I do feel that sometimes there may be an underlying health problem that perhaps a person may be in denial about or embarrassed about.

        Blessings to all,

        1. Groped Out,

          I wrote a long response to you – but realized I was so exhausted – it may not have made any sense!

          So … things are still basically the same with the groping?

          Have you found any ways you can respond in a positive, receptive way to him when you are alone?

          My prayer is that when you begin to feel doomed, you may be able to look to Christ in faith and depend on Him to work in your heart and your husband’s heart for His glory.

          How long ago was the emotional affair stuff?

          What do you respect about your husband lately?

          Sending you a HUGE HUG, my precious sister!!!!!!! 🙂

  19. What if you really feel like a lot of his desires are selfish? My husband is not a christian. We’ve been married 14 years and recently, our relationnship has been really struggling. He’s been very unkind and has been verbally abusive and then turns around and wants sex like nothing’s happened. It has made me resent him and sex. I am so emotionally detached from him right now. At the same time that this is going on he is wanting to have sex more and wanting to have sex when I least enjoy it(morning). I’ve always told him when he does things sexually that I don’t like and he’s been trying to do those things now because HE enjoys them. My interpretation of all of this is that I AM just a piece of meat and my body is here for whatever and whenever he wants. We have recently started marriage counseling and he started going to church with me. The counseling started getting personal and he refuses to go back and to church. He knows he’s been out of line and is working on his anger but its hard to erase all that and flip a switch. I don’t know how to emotionally connect with him now. Prayers and advice please.

    1. Anonymous3

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      I have good news and bad news.

      The good news is that your husband was starting to come to church with you!!!! THAT deserved a lot of your praise and admiration.

      The bad news is – if he is not a believer in Christ, it is going to all fall on you to be the godly example. You cannot expect him to act like Jesus because he is spiritually dead. I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s assignment for you – being silent about spiritual things and God and church, and showing him your faith by your respect and joyful attitude in your faith in Christ. ANd having so much faith in our sovereign God that you don’t freak out when things don’t go your way, but you have a gentle and peaceful spirit because all your faith and trust is in Jesus alone.

      You can ask for what you want. YOu can say, “I really want to have sex with you, too. It would help me be into it if we could have some time to talk and emotionally connect for 15 minutes/day.”

      or, “I want to be able to joyfully give myself to you. But I am hurting from what you said about X.” Then he can decide if he wants to apologize and make up emotionally so that you can be ready for sex.

      Morning is tough for a lot of women, we are not awake and it is hard for us to get going right away. That is the time men have the highest levels of testosterone, usually. So if you can try to be into it – that is a huge gift and SEX IS a HUGE way that your husband emotionally connects with you.

      Check out this post
      about how much more effective we are if we don’t use a lot of words about spiritual things.

      And check out some of these posts about men and emotions. Over and over husbands have written to me that sex = emotional connection for them. And when they feel rejected, they feel completely rejected as men, not just sexually rejected. (There are about 5 posts on men and emotions around that same week you may want to read them all.)

      YOu have a HUGE HUGE amount of power here. When he is unkind and hateful towards you verbally.

      Say simply, “That hurts.” “Ouch.”
      Or move away and stay physically away until he apologizes.
      When he approaches you for sex, say, “I’m still upset.” just those few words should be enough for him to realize that he owes you an apology.

      Use that time if you do move away from him for awhile to pray for him and ask God how you can bless him. Read Romans 12!!! That is God’s instructions to you in a situation like this.

      Be sure you are not clinging to resentment, bitterness and anger. That is sin. YOu won’t have God’s power working in you if you are cherishing sin in your heart. Believe me, I learned that the hard way!

      Check out my brother’s post “When My Spouse is Wrong”

      PRAISE HIM and tell him the things you do admire about him.

      Apply Philippians 4:8 to your marriage and husband. Concentrate on the good things.

      Be sure not to look down on him spiritually, we are all on equal footing at the cross.

      Check out some of the comments on this post about feeling like a piece of meat by the men. Some are VERY helpful!

      Let me know if you want to talk more! I’m here. 🙂

  20. Great article. By and large, masculine romantic love is jealous and expressed sexually. God doesn’t have a problem with this, since He designed men thus (and even speaks of Himself as a jealous Husband, who desires His wife — and also describes the worship of false gods and idols as sexual unfaithfulness). …Unfortunately, modern society, having been reprogrammed by years of feminist agit-prop, does have a problem with the way God made men.

    And sadly feminist thinking is now endemic in the churches, too (hence the lamentable and unbiblical treatment of the commenter above by a “Christian counsellor”). There is so much misinformation and bad advice in Christian circles about men, women, sex and marriage, that a site like this is much needed. I wish you all the best with it.

    God bless.

    1. Single Christian,
      Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your description of God’s love for His people – and the way God describes idolatry as adultery. There is some VIVID language in the old testament about that.

      Yes- feminism (which, at its core, is heresy – insisting there is no God, or God is a woman, and the Bible has no authority, and seeks to undermine all God-given authority), has poisoned our entire culture and churches to the point that marriage, femininity, masculinity, family, parenting, womanhood and manhood have been completely redefined to our great detriment.

      It is my prayer that God might use me and others to tear down the lies of our culture in the church and to rebuild these crucial concepts on the truth of God’s Word alone – and that God might restore us as believers to right relationship with Him and to right relationship to one another for His great glory and praise.

      I have a site for single women, too – you are welcome to check it out.

  21. I think it really boils down to understanding the man’s motive, and not projecting some other motive onto their actions. He wants you, he wants to claim you physically as his mate, he wants to make you writhe in pleasure, you are not a ‘piece of meat’, you are the desire of his heart and that is how it should be.

  22. Sounds like some husbands need to read 1 Corinthians 13:5. Love is not supposed to be rude. If groping feels rude to a wfe then he should change it. Just a simple thing 🙂

  23. Wow, Thankful Husband and HopingToBeThankfulSomeday Husband, I was reallly touched by your comments regarding the way sex with your wives makes you feel and also the hurt you feel when your advances are rejected. I have heard the same idea about men needing sex many times, but I have never heard it articulated quite so articulately and honestly. If my husband had expained things to me in this way I would have opened to him like a flower, instead of resenting his advances towards me as I have many times… It hurts me to think that I have been guilty of hurting my husband in this way.

    However, as a woman I can also totally understand the idea of feeling like a piece of meat. It’s not the act of wanting sex that is an issue, but he fact that many men still want to have sex when the emotional connection isn’t as as strong as it should be. When my husband hasn’t had a meaningful conversion with me in days, hasn’t really taken me anywhere in weeks or spent any quality time with me,and then comes to me for sex? Umm, no. I am feeling like a piece of meat because he is treating me that way. Regardless of his real motives, my interpretation is based upon what I see and feel, and if I don’t feel loved, then I don’t want to have sex with him.

    I don’t think it’s fair to women to expect us to ignore our own feelings and be ready at a moment’s notice to have sex just because our husband’s want it. I’m not a porn star, so my enjoyment of sex is directly linked to my emotional attachment my husband at the time. If I’m not feeling nurtured and connected, I’m not going to like having sex. When he ignores my feelings but still comes to me for sex, then he is treating me like an object, not a woman who he loves.

    This issue is multi faceted, and the idea of “just doing it” in spite of feeling emotionally disconnected is not fair nor healthy for the woman who is feeling neglected. If a woman is FEELING a certain way, my assumption is that there is some validity to the claim. I think that this issue definately needs to be explored further, because the tone of the article does seem to be a bit dismissive towards the feelings of the woman in question.

    1. Becoming Through Christ,

      I agree that Thankful Husband and HopingToBeThankfulSomeday Husband did a really great job of articulating how important a sexual connection is to many husbands – and how it can also be such an important way for them to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to their wives. I wish every wife had a chance to read what they wrote.

      I don’t believe that I ask women to ignore their feelings. It is fine to ask for what we want and need! Absolutely. I have no problem at all with a woman saying,
      – “Honey, I really want to be available to you tonight. Could we spend about 20 minutes talking so I can feel emotionally connected, please? That would really help me be ready to be with you sexually.”
      – “Honey, I want to be available to you. I am feeling really overwhelmed with all I still need to do before bed tonight. Would you please put the kids to bed, that would be great. Then I should have time and energy for you. I can’t wait!”
      – “I have been feeling really lonely, lately. Would you be able to just cuddle with me for awhile so I can feel emotionally closer to you first, please?”
      – “When you said X the other day, it really hurt my feelings. I want to be available to you, but I am still feeling upset. Could we talk about that issue and have peace and reconciliation first, please?”

      Yes, the issue is definitely multi-faceted. It would probably take more than a whole book to cover all the possible problems that could arise. There are many reasons why wives may not be responding to their husbands sexually. If there are medical reasons, I encourage wives to talk to their OB/GYN. If there are relationship issues, I would encourage wives to seek to respectfully address those with their husbands or seek godly counsel. Of course, if trust has been broken, it would have to be rebuilt. That would take time and possibly godly counseling for both spouses. Let’s seek help and healing for the problems so that we can fulfill our marital duty to our husbands.

      Our feelings as wives are definitely important. It is not my intention to minimize women’s feelings. I think there is also room for our husbands’ feelings to be equally important, as well.

      I believe there can be times when we can make decisions to be available to our husbands even though we may not “feel like it.” That is something that mature, agape love is able to do – give selflessly. We can choose to bless our husbands in this amazing way – and we may just find that our feelings and emotions change for the better in the process. While feelings are important, I don’t believe they should be the sole basis of our decisions – whether in being available sexually to our husbands, forgiving other people, repaying evil with good, tithing, blessing those who persecute us, walking in humility instead of pride, etc. Many of the things Christ asks us to do involve us “dying to self”. Feelings are helpful, they can tell us that there may be a problem that needs addressing. There are times when, as believers in Christ, we have the power available through God’s Spirit to lay aside our feelings and bless and benefit others. I believe it will require each wife being sensitive to God’s Spirit to know when to address issues and when to lay aside self and bless our husbands.

      My primary concern is that we are mindful of scripture and that we are protecting our marriages – even more so than we are mindful of our own feelings – that we seek to honor God and please Him and that we desire to cultivate a general spirit of availability to our husbands. There are times that just isn’t going to be possible I certainly understand that. Of course, no one answers to me! We will all answer to God. But if overall, we can aim for an attitude of joyful and cheerful availability (unless there is infidelity or some extremely serious situation going on), I believe that can greatly strengthen our marriages.

      I appreciate your comments and your concerns. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!

      I Corinthians 7
      3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.

  24. There was a comment earlier on, and I’m not sure who wrote it, but it says that women are not happy with the way God created men….
    Actually, I love the way God created man….but you can just play the “God created me to be loved this way” and then forget about everything else He created man to be.
    The Bible clearly emphasizes the natural order of things in marriage and family as we fall under the headship of Christ.
    Ephesians clearly states that the love a husband shows his wife will determine her reaction to him and to Christ. He has the power to cleanse her “thru the washing” of the word…oh, but that’s not as much fun as sex now, is it!!!
    The passage actually says that the man who loves his wife loves himself.
    So, what do we make of this….we try and manipulate our men because they need to experience acceptance before they can do what God has called them to do? WHAT?????
    Listen, God has definitely worked on me in recent years, convicting me of so many sins towards my husband. I have confessed and asked for forgiveness…..but I have to say that for all the many years that I gave my husband my body, believing with all my heart that the scriptures called me to do this on demand because “he needs it” and is entitled to it, there was always something missing. Some higher spiritual connection that was never achieved – but a sense of being used was overwhelming.
    So, we can choose to keep living a mediocre marriage, where you give, he takes because the scripture “says so” (and I put that in quotes, because that’s not actually what scripture says!), just to get by, or you can let the floor fall out, and stop trying to manipulate our husbands to love the way Christ calls them to and start addressing the sin behind the attitudes.
    When my husband is embittered and walks around in his own little bitter world because he hasn’t “had any”, snapping at me, looking for the worst in me and pointing it out, barking at the kids, that’s when you know that he has made sex and idol. It’s idolatry. plain and simple.
    And when I react to that by being disrespectful to him – that’s also idolatry, ’cause I’ve placed his attitude towards me as something that determines whether or not I do what the word of God tells me to do.
    You know, I always tell my kids that being tired is not an excuse for being unkind or grumpy, or whatever….well, the same goes for sex. Not getting any is no excuse for not doing what the Lord has called us to do in our marriages. And not getting the love we long for from our husbands is not an excuse to be disrespectful or unloving…..but nowhere in scripture is LOVE defined as anything but what 1 Corinthians 13 says about it. I don’t see sex in there.

    If you read thru the scriptures on marital, sexual intimacy, there is an order to how things are done. Let’s not put the “science” of it ahead of what God says in his word about it.
    God held Adam accountable for Eve’s sin. Eve was also held accountable, but Adam was doubly accountable. That means that He was responsible for where she was at in her spiritual growth. How many men that say they need sex in order to love their wives also consider themselves responsible for their wives spiritual nourishment.
    seems to me we pick and choose what we like, don’t we!

    1. @Carol: “Ephesians clearly states that the love a husband shows his wife will determine her reaction to him and to Christ. He has the power to cleanse her “thru the washing” of the word…oh, but that’s not as much fun as sex now, is it!!!”

      April will be more gracious about this, but . . . this is nonsense, and Ephesians does not remotely say this. The love a husband shows his wife will (hopefully) influence her reaction to him, but it will not determine it. This is obvious from the Ephesians passage itself. Christ loves the Church perfectly — better than the most perfect husband in the world could ever love any woman. By your logic, that would mean that the none of us who make up the Church would ever sin against Him, because His perfect love would “determine” that our response would be perfect. But in fact we sin against Him all the time. (Just as Adam and Eve sinned against God, though they had no predisposition to sin and were loved perfectly by God.) By extension, it’s just not possible for a human husband to “determine” his wife’s reaction to him, and certainly not to love her so well that she will always respond appropriately to him.

      I’m sorry about your struggles with your husband and his sins against you, and I don’t excuse them. But if I understand you correctly, you (sometimes) withhold sex from him because you’re not happy with him, you know he will react negatively to this, you judge him for allowing your actions to affect his disposition (though this is the same thing that you have allowed to happen to you), and you hold him ultimately responsible for your sin because you believe that your behavior is determined by how well he loves you and washes you with the word. The circular reasoning is that if he loved you right, you’d always be willing to have sex with him, and if you’re not interested in having sex with him, that proves that he hasn’t loved you well enough. You have him in a total no-win situation. You and he both are guaranteed to stay miserable.

      1. You’re actually NOT understanding me correctly – and I REALLY do need to clear this up.
        I don’t WITHHOLD sex from him. He has free reign over my body. I’ve made it very clear to him. The issue is that when there is no honoring or cherishing or pursuit of the relationship (which are all biblical principles regarding the husband’s responsibilities in marriage), then we are not emotionally, or spiritually connected….Neither one of us want this kind of just sex. Both of us want something much deeper.
        Sex is not love. Love is clearly defined in 1 Cor. 13. The sex life is a barometer for the love in the marriage.
        My post clearly shows that the Lord has done and is continuing to work on me in very humbling and convicting ways. I have had to go to the Lord and go to my husband and ask for forgiveness for my disrespect and lack of 1 Cor. 13 love……and the Lord has given me deep joy and peace because I am once again in right standing with my God…..but when you’ve done all that God has revealed you should do and still your husband makes sex his idol – you’re right, someone is bound to stay miserable. I can tell you that everyday I’m turning to the Lord for my joy….but my husband is living in misery, because he has decided that sex is the be all and end all and there is no 1 Cors love to be given if he isn’t getting his tank full of sex…..but he doesn’t want it on the terms that are clearly consequences of choices he is making.
        There are marriages that ARE miserable…..and it’s not hard to imagine that sometimes, there is clearly ONE person who is not obeying God. No one is perfect. But when you see the husband that you are trying to biblically love clearly making some sinful choices, it’s also not right to say it’s the wife’s fault or even that if she loves “right” she can turn this around. It’s not that simple. The Father loves us “right” and loves us “perfect” but everyday we chose to go our own sinful ways.
        I haven’t been distracted from MY responsibilities as a wife – let’s be clear on that.
        Do you suggest that I pretend to want sex when my husband goes around barking at me all day long and tearing me down?
        If he asks me – and if he leaves it up to me, I will tell him that our emotional connection is non-existent, so no, I don’t really want to give my body, but I will. If that’s what he requires.

    2. Carol,

      It’s wonderful to hear from you!

      What I see in Ephesians 5 is that God’s commands to husbands and God’s commands to wives are not dependent upon each other. It is not, “Wives must respect and submit to your husbands IF your husband deserves it or is loving you as you believe he should.” And it is not “Husbands must love your wives if your wives are respecting you and honoring your leadership.” It is also not, “Wives must make your husbands love you” or “Husbands must force your wives to respect you” – thankfully.

      God holds us accountable for obeying the commands He gives to us as wives. I don’t address husbands in my blog – I only write for women. To be sure, they have many more responsibilities than wives do. I completely agree.

      In the passage in I Corinthians 7, Paul tells husbands and wives not to withhold themselves sexually from each other because of sexual immorality and to help each spouse avoid temptation.

      What I would like to see wives do is to extend grace to our husbands. When we focus on what God commands us to do – that is our power! Yes, there can be times we must gently, respectfully, carefully confront sin in our husbands, especially if they are believers in Christ.

      But there are also MANY, MANY times that our obedience and faithfulness to God and our approaching our husbands with the power of God’s Spirit will minister to our husbands in ways that nothing else ever could.

      Each person will stand accountable to God for what we have thought, said and done. God counts what I do for my husband as if I am doing it for Him. My respect or disrespect, my grace or lack of grace, my honoring my husband’s leadership or usurping it, my repaying good for evil and extending mercy – God desires me to obey Him no matter what my husband is or is not doing. I want to be found faithful in God’s eyes and to please my Lord – that He might say to me, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” – not by any goodness in my own hart – for there is none – but by the power of God’s Spirit flowing through me.

      1. kudos. I want the same.
        Did you notice that I said that in my post? God has taken me to task on what I say I want to do and what I actually do….I have spent some time confessing and repentant both with God and my husband…..not to manipulate him to change his ways with me, but because God is refining me and creating a pure heart. To be quite honest, I have found deep joy in the Lord and he has been my strength and encouragement in being a loving wife as defined by 1 corths….nope, I’m not perfect and every now and then I do get my feathers ruffled…..when I wrote the first post, I was having one of those nights.
        But I think sometimes we assume that doing everything God calls us to means that every piece of the puzzle will fall into place and life will be on it’s way to being wonderful.
        That’s a fallacy. If you build your house on the rock, the storm is sure to come. The Rock will be your firm foundation and security, but you may have to sit, exposed to the storm and the elements for a very, very, long time…..maybe even until Jesus takes you home.
        Our north American Christian culture, has inadvertently supported the idea that if you build your house on the rock, the storms won’t come……so we think that if we do everything right, then the stars will line up, and that’s just not biblical. I cannot control the way my husband lives out his walk with the Lord. I can encourage, love and be what God calls me to be, but I need to realize that no matter how respectful I am of him, he may never change.
        That’s when having a firm foundation on Christ is so important.
        I will continue to strive to be everything God wants me to be and calls me to be. Not so I can manipulate how my husband reacts to me, but so that my Father can say, that “yeah, that was well done, my faithful and good servant!”

        1. Carol,
          Amen! Amen! 🙂

          You are absolutely right. The storms will come. Your husband may never change. The question is – will we still seek to be faithful and obedient to Christ, knowing He will reward us in heaven?

          I’m so glad that you are seeking Him no matter what results you are seeing at the moment here, and no matter what your circumstances.

          May God richly bless your walk with Him. 🙂

    3. Carol you sound a little bitter yourself there. How was Adam held doubly responsible? From the sounds of it, Eve got dealt the more severe punishment. Or maybe being made Eve’s “master” Adam’s punishment was worse. I don’t know, but to be quite honest they both got it pretty bad. I don’t think I would go around saying one has it worse than the other. If Adam was responsible for Eve spirit then I don’t think God would have punished her for Adam’s failure. Sin is a free will choice to reject God. It is not an ignorant decision.

      1. Joseph,

        Adam and Eve both did get punished – both were held accountable for sin. And we are all still experiencing that punishment today. God did speak to Adam as the one who was ultimately responsible. But I don’t believe he was punished for Eve’s sin, but for his own.

        In my experience – when men or women sound bitter – it is often the result of many years of excruciating pain.


        My heart goes out to you – I can definitely feel your pain. I’m always glad to hear from you! You may email me if you ever would like to.


  25. Your response seemed a little dismissive of her feelings. You don’t know if she has been sexually abused in the past or how expicit her husbands comments might have been. She was asking for advise on how to tell him how she feels, not changing her prospective. For all you know he could be extremely forceful (violent even) or use foul language that offends her (which could be what she means by feeling like a “piece of meat”), but instead of thinking of all the possible reasons of her feelings or the situation, it seems like you just assume she’s friget and basically told her that she should “get over it” and to accept it.

    1. Star,

      Thank you for your perspective and for your willingness to share your thoughts. 🙂

      I believe you are speaking about the wife who wrote to me – whose email I partially quoted, am I correct?

      This wife and I have had several long conversations. So I was aware that the situation did not involve abuse or foul language. It is not at all my intention to be dismissive of any wife’s feelings. Our feelings are important – and we do need to effectively share our needs, desires and concerns with our husbands, I absolutely agree with you.

      I do want to be careful not to elevate feelings above our responsibility to obey God’s Word. But – feelings are important and I long for each wife to be able to communicate her feelings well with her husband.

      She actually responded in the comments, you are welcome to read her remarks.

      I hope that helps to clarify a bit. If you still have concerns, please let me know! 🙂

      1. Star,
        I hope you will also see that at the bottom of the post, I did give this wife suggestions about how to share her feelings.

        My premise for my answers is primarily I Corinthians 7.

        Thank you! 🙂

  26. I realize this thread has been dormant for some time, but if I may I’d like to share something my wife and I have discussed many times.
    In regard to women feeling like “a piece of meat”, and men being rude, inconsiderate pigs, I wholeheartedly believe that the media plays a huge part. I believe that even though men are created as not-so-refined beings, that we truly do care about our partners. However, when, as a little boy from early on up you see the movies and the tv and all the people older than you ( your heroes ) treating women as ” a piece of meat “, it becomes engrained in you. You start to think that the high school football star that can pick any girl out of the bunch and do whatever he want with said girl, is cool. We like to be cool. Brad Pitt can fool around with numerous female characters on the same movie and women go crazy over him. George clooney has had more girlfriends than pairs of socks that I’ve owned and every girl in the world would go with him in a second. We as men see that and subconsciously we start to mold ourselves that way.
    On the flip side women ( this coming from what my wife says ) from little on up over hear things like ” all he ever wants to do is have sex!!”, and “can’t you for one time keep your hands off me?”. We start from an early age to think that this is normal, and the way it should be.
    Both outlooks are completely wrong and unscriptural, yet we continue to allow this trash to come into our homes. Even as grown men we see these movies and since it’s the way we’ve been “trained” we think “well why can’t I?” The woman sees this stunningly good looking man with Herculean type body and charm aplenty that swoons and pampers and thinks “why can’t he?” If you’re a man and you happen to get into porn, which many teens are heavily involved in these days it makes it worse. I don’t comment here to offer a solution other than to realize where some of our issues may be stemming from, and to ask that we consider this in the lives of our children.

  27. I realize this thread has been dormant for some time, but if I may I’d like to share something my wife and I have discussed many times.
    In regard to women feeling like “a piece of meat”, and men being rude, inconsiderate pigs, I wholeheartedly believe that the media plays a huge part. I believe that even though men are created as not-so-refined beings, that we truly do care about our partners. However, when, as a little boy from early on up you see the movies and the tv and all the people older than you ( your heroes ) treating women as ” a piece of meat “, it becomes engrained in you. You start to think that the high school football star that can pick any girl out of the bunch and do whatever he want with said girl, is cool. We like to be cool. Brad Pitt can fool around with numerous female characters on the same movie and women go crazy over him. George clooney has had more girlfriends than pairs of socks that I’ve owned and every girl in the world would go with him in a second. We as men see that and subconsciously we start to mold ourselves that way.
    On the flip side women ( this coming from what my wife says ) from little on up over hear things like ” all he ever wants to do is have sex!!”, and “can’t you for one time keep your hands off me?”. We start from an early age to think that this is normal, and the way it should be.
    Both outlooks are completely wrong and unscriptural, yet we continue to allow this trash to come into our homes. Even as grown men we see these movies and since it’s the way we’ve been “trained” we think “well why can’t I?” The woman sees this stunningly good looking man with Herculean type body and charm aplenty that swoons and pampers and thinks “why can’t he?” If you’re a man and you happen to get into porn, which many teens are heavily involved in these days it makes it worse. I don’t comment here to offer a solution other than to realize where some of our issues may be stemming from, and to ask that we consider this in the lives of our children.

      1. Malloy,

        Thank you for your comment. 🙂 Many people hold this conviction.

        I am certainly not an expert not this topic, but am unaware of a specific prohibition in marriage. However, I realize that many people have very strong convictions about this issue. I am confident God will give couples His wisdom as they seek Him.

  28. There are two more stories I would like to include in my book – planning to send to editing this week! I’d love to have two husbands’ perspectives about how wives can respect their husbands sexually.

    I’d like one husband’s story who has felt disrespected, smothered and too pressured by his wife to have sex and how painful that was for him and how a wife could bless her husband in such a situation. And I’d like one husband’s story who felt rejected often by his wife and how painful that has been from his perspective and how a wife could bless a husband in this situation.

    I’d like something between 250-1000 words (more if you would like) – not too explicit with the sexual details, please! I want to focus more on the respect and emotional and spiritual aspect of these scenarios.

    Thank you so much!

    I’d like to have the stories this week, please.

  29. I am in need of some advice. I have been feeling like a piece of meat for sometime. My husband works away sometimes, but when he is home he wants sex every night. It has gotten to the point of now after having sex he will want it again and will please himself. I was getting extremely uncomfortable with this and finally spoke up.

    Porn has been an issue in the past and with this apparent increase in his sex drive I was concerned that it would lead him to seeking out porn again.

    When I voiced my concerns to my husband his immediate reaction was to say he would surprises his sex drive and we will only have sex once in a while. This is a normal reaction from him, anytime I bring up something sex related that he doesn’t like he will immediately respond with “we won’t have sex again as it just leads to arguments”. It ends with me begging him and telling him how important it is for the relationship. It has gotten to the point where I won’t voice any concerns because I don’t want to upset him or make him angry. I assume his reaction is a power play, but I can’t ignore it. I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t know what to do.

    Peacefulwife, how do I approach this situation? We have been married 4 short years and they have been quite tumultuous.

    1. Hopefulwife,

      Well, I Corinthians 7:1-5 does address this issue to a degree – that spouses are to be available to each other to meet each other’s sexual needs and not withhold sex from one another.

      Is he on any medications? Has he been using porn again? Is he taking supplements of any kind?

      Is he compulsively masturbating many times per day? I am aware of some men who are so addicted to porn and compulsive masturbation that they do it all throughout the day and even stop during work to take breaks to do this in the restroom. It can become quite an addiction.

      I think it is important to let him know you are on his team and that you want to meet his sexual desires and that you don’t look down on him but that you want sex to be a wonderful bonding experience between both of you. Is it possible for you to initiate sometimes when he is home?

      You may want to check out the e-book that Brent Riggs has about porn addiction at his site – under the “books” section.

      Praying for wisdom for you both!

  30. My wife told me she felt this way one day right after sex… I don’t think anything has ever hurt so much in my life.

    1. John,

      Thank you so much for sharing. I don’t think that most wives understand the implications to their husbands when they say this. They are probably asking for more emotional/spiritual connection. But – I can definitely appreciate now that a statement like that could be very wounding to a husband. Thank you for helping the ladies to understand how that comment feels from a man’s perspective.

  31. As a man, I commented in the article on respect.
    Sex is such a big subject. Here it is in a nutshell; I am here reading about my fellow Christians true struggles and my heart goes out to you all. But my wife is full of heart and thinks of so many other people, but not me, I am largely ignored.
    She will not pursue information to make sexual fulfillment better. She simply will not read up on it. We have several books on the subject with chapters on sexual issues and she demonstrates an incredible naïve attitude and interpretation of them.
    I wish I could explain it better, but since being out of a job, her trust in my knowledge is getting smaller. Her health is ignored and she suffers some minor discomforts that are preventable, but won’t listen to my holistic advice. Therefore she can use my “unloving attitude” and the health problems together to sexually refuse me silently, the result is no coital sex for 5 weeks! She claims a third; “tiredness” and repeats my need to get a job. sex discussion ends.
    Temptation for me is bad. I am not good at avoiding temptation, but her desire to “want me” can eliminate ALL temptation. (I won’t go into the temptation part since we all know what I mean) Her ignorance along with disrespect makes our marriage bed a boring place where only sleep occurs. If not for a lot of children here, I would be suicidal, instead, depressed.
    As for spiritual and active life; I am a bible scholar and a fitness man.
    prayer for these problems have been ongoing for 10 years of a 29 year marriage!
    I suppose this is all unfair since she cannot defend herself…

    1. Jeff,
      I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. It sounds like there is certainly pain on both sides here. 🙁

      Thank you for sharing a masculine point of view. I think that wives will benefit from hearing how husbands feel when they feel neglected, ignored and rejected in marriage.

      I pray for God to give you His wisdom and the power of His Spirit to lead and love your wife in your marriage, to speak the truth gently and to demonstrate the love of Christ to her as you discuss the issues that need to be addressed. I pray for you to find all of your contentment, power, hope, peace, joy, acceptance, strength and identity in Christ alone – no matter what your wife does or does not do. And I pray for God to work mightily in both of you for His greatest glory.

      Many women don’t understand how difficult temptation is for men, especially when their wives reject them. I wonder if she knows the depths of your turmoil, struggle and pain as well as how severe the depression is that you are experiencing?

      I have heard from quite a number of men who have felt suicidal because they felt so disrespected by their wives.

      For a wife to learn what it means to respect her husband is a massive process in our culture today – and it can take a few years for a wife to really “get it” from the time she sets out to learn to respect and honor her husband. Most wives do not purposely disrespect their husbands- they learned to do this from our culture, from their own mother, from the sinful nature… Most wives have NO idea what respect is or how deeply disrespect hurts their husbands. If they knew, they would be mortified.

      I pray you might both have a chance to sit down and read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs together. It is a very balanced presentation of what wives need and what husbands need according to God’s Word. It is a great starting point. Then I have some lists at the top of my home page about what respect means to husbands and what is disrespectful to husbands that may be helpful.

      Praying for God’s power to work in your marriage to bring great healing for you both!

      The husbands I have known who were suicidal at one point (several of them were a year and a half ago) – began to seek to focus on themselves and their end of the marriage and their walk with Christ, and I have seen God heal those particular marriages. Our God is able, my precious brother. I have witnessed God heal hundreds of marriages here. I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you, your wife, your children and your marriage!

  32. I just now read all these threads. I found this doing a search on what to do when your Christian husband changes and makes you feel like dirt. I have thoroughly loved my husband all of our 25 year marriage. But he has consistently put coaching, baseball and football, and fishing ahead of our relationship. I have raised our six children. Dealt with the youngest, who is autistic and ran his programs. Had therapists in our home for 12 years working with him. Supported all of their activities, especially his. Kept the house clean and the laundry done, worked outside the home as much as possible, painted the outside and inside of the house and maintained it, helped with yard work, trimming hedges, etc. I NEVER see any other woman in the neighborhood doing these things for their husbands. I loved sex with him. I was always the one instigating our intimate times together and made him feel “like a king” according to him. I have kept myself in excellent shape our whole marriage. Went back to school and became a nurse 10 years ago to help him financially after the children were older. But all these years, he would put ANYTHING in front of our marriage in his priorities. Whether it was playing or coaching baseball, coaching football, fishing, work, the children. And in the rare times, usually every 5 years or so, that I would call him on his priorities, he would say “What is wrong with you, you need help.”
    Then 5 years ago he completely changed. His ego went off the wall and statements went from “God blessed me with you” to “You’re lucky to have me.” He has said “You should be grateful I don’t beat you.” “Any woman would want me.” And when I tried to get intimate with him, he would say things like “Why do you want to ruin a perfect weekend” or “It’s Tuesday…we just did it on Saturday. I need time to recuperate.” He has been checking out younger and younger girls when we are out together. And says, “I can’t help it, I like a certain kind of figure.” While driving, a girl jogged by and he stopped mid-sentence to look in the rearview and said “Hmmm. Maybe I’ll take up jogging.” At a family wedding, I walked up behind him at the bar to hear him tell the barmaid she “has a gorgeous smile”. And the one statement that hurt me most…”You always loved me more than I loved you.”
    He has been using Viagra for years due to blood pressure medications he has been on since his twenties. But he started taking it every day even though he wouldn’t come near me. His response to my asking why was “Just in case”. Just in case WHAT???
    So I started falling apart emotionally and eventually physically. I saw shrinking windows on our computer and found out he had a hotmail address and had been on the Messenger chat window. He denied anything and then got rid of the computer when he realized I was looking around and learning how to do forensic analysis. Then he tried to tell me that he “just ended up with a hotmail account” and that I “probably have one too”. So he sat next to me as I typed in my normal email address as a hotmail account address and entered my normal email password (which he knows) and voila…I HAD ONE TOO. How strange. DUH. I am not stupid. I slipped into a massive depression and started drinking more frequently. (self-medicating)

    Right when I thought I couldn’t handle any more of it, and found myself curled up into a ball crying on our bed saying, “I can’t take this anymore. I have to go.” The Lord stepped in and showed my husband all the ways he has dishonored me over the years. But especially how he has dishonored God. I studied the Word for out whole marriage, until I went to school full-time and packed away an inductive study of the book of Romans. I had always attempted to read to my husband all the things I’d learned. I tried to tell him what I’d learned about financial management, raising children, etc and he rejected everything I said.
    My husband never put me in the proper place of his priorities…but even worse…he didn’t have the LORD in HIS proper place. He did “what was right in his own eyes”. He compared himself to other men and found himself perfect. If he wouldn’t listen to God, why should he listen to me? I married him because I thought we were going to read and pray together our whole lives together and that changed almost as soon as the ring went on the finger. BUT GOD…I always loved the “BUT GOD” statements in the Scriptures…BUT GOD…woke us both up.

    I felt worthless, unseen and unheard. I was being compared to every other woman in the world and somehow falling short in my husband’s eyes. My heart broke in so many ways over these past years. In December, at the grocery store, I was checking out stuff in the meat section and turned to find my husband right behind me. He said “I’m not looking at anyone I’m just looking at you.” I almost started crying right there. “Really?” He was pissed that I skipped going down the baking isle. He said “You didn’t go down that isle because there is a hot chick in tight pants there.” I didn’t need anything in that isle. I had bought everything I needed for Christmas baking. He said we “needed Shake and Bake” so I told him to go get it himself and “ask her to do a 360 so he could check her out from every angle.” On the ride home I told him he is free to do whatever he wants. I would not ever be treated this way ever again. If he didn’t change his attitude and actions I am gone. And we didn’t make love for over 7 months because I was not going to give myself to a man who obviously had no respect or love for me.

    I realized that my depression was from listening to the enemies lies about my worth. And I started listening to what God had to say. My husband realized through talking to a couple of good men, how his words and actions affected me. I am now attempting to get back into working out and getting my muscle tone back up to par (I had stopped working out because I felt nothing I did mattered to him anymore). But I injured my shoulder at work over a year ago as well, and am seeing surgeons and neurologists due to nerve pain running down my arm. And we began reading and praying together and planning camping trips.
    I am worth so much in God’s economy. My husband took advantage of my love for the Lord and my love for him. He had become self-absorbed and narcissistic. He had been looking for the world’s approval and applause through his coaching. He also admits that he had been raised to believe that women are only ONLY there for men’s pleasure and use. “That’s just the way it is”.
    Now he realizes all of his errors and I am trusting God with my marriage. However, I also made it very clear that I am able to make it through life on my own if that is what he would choose…I will never let it get like that ever again. I am here first and foremost for GOD’s purposes and I will walk away from anyone who thinks more highly of himself than he should…to the point of crushing the spirit of the people around them. I had put too much of my heart into my marriage…I used to think that wasn’t possible, but I was wrong. NO MAN (or woman) should ever have that much power over another person EVER…that they could destroy their lives and their joy and treat them like dirt.

    1. Fullarmor50,
      What a difficult situation for so very long!

      I praise God for what He is doing in both of you! WOOHOOO!
      Thank you for sharing. Yes, we can respect God, respect ourselves and our husbands. And there are times we do need to confront them about their sin. Of course, ultimately, only God can open a person’s eyes to his/her sin. I’m so glad God is working in both of you. I pray for His greatest glory in each of your lives and in your marriage!

  33. I dont feel he desires me.. He falls asleep instantly when he gets in bed and lays down.. this hurts me makes me feel alone not valued as a woman.. Im the aggressive one all the time .. I touch him.. he has gone to doctor , they say his testosterone was low he has been on it six months still no improvement..Still falls asleep I sdk God for understanding but im very sexual..

    1. D1968,

      If a husband has low testosterone, that can definitely make it physically impossible for him to desire sex. And it also causes depression and fatigue. IS it possible for you to mention that there is no improvement to his dr? Or is your husband going for a follow up with the dr soon?

      Have you seen the post about the pain of sexual rejection in marriage?

      Sending you a huge hug, my precious girl!!!!!

  34. It looks like the posts here are done, but here is my further perspective; if I had not discovered this site I would have thought I was the worst of husbands. Right now I feel not only better, in a way, but that the church is really messed up and could use some help and lots of healthy “intimacy in the bedroom” would help. For men, lots of healthy married sexual intimacy would result in a reduction in areas of; depression, boredom, porn and other temptations, laziness and lack of prayer. We could revolutionize the church, increase production of volunteerism, physical exercise and better leadership. After 7 months without coital sex, I don’t feel like making an effort in anything…really! If I hear about a special missions project at church, I am not motivated to do anything! I mean, If I am stuck in this marriage where everything is my fault, why make an effort to do anything?
    Anyway, these are my thoughts.

    1. Jeff,

      Thanks for sharing this perspective. I am so glad that you are feeling better. And yes, a lot of things are very messed up in our church culture and in our understanding as believers of godly marriage, godly masculinity and godly femininity. We have veered VERY far away from God’s path for us. I pray for a great awakening for each of us as individuals and for the church corporately – that this generation might rise up to become a godly generation, a beautiful example to our children and that we might be on fire for Christ.

      Praying for healing for you, your wife, your family and your marriage, my brother!

  35. Well, Things are the same. Married couples everywhere are messed up and I am among them. Christmas this year is truly a marked time for me. 5 years unemployed! On welfare as a result. At my age, I should be feeling good about my legacy to my children and my finances should be real good, but are a mess. Now we are traveling, my older son has relapsed on drugs and my other autistic daughter is missing again! (she has mental disorders). Romance this season is still a problem since my wife has Vaginismus for 10 months now.
    In-laws come tomorrow and I have to face them again and report my lack of success in finding a job, again…so humiliating! I’ve stayed in good shape so at least I don’t look like a bum.
    I am trying to be polite with my wife and we are getting along well, but the respect issues are still there to a limited sense, but I feel better now that I can reveal how much I dislike her correcting me all the time. After awhile she sees that I am willing to stand up to what ever limited amount of masculinity I have left, and she is responding better. . A plus here is that the room we have in our borrowed house, has a jet tub. We got a bottle of wine and she is willing to spend some hours alone with me soaking up the jets! It’s all I got as far as romance and I’m taking it!
    My heart goes out to those women who have difficult and uncommitted husbands. Its a mystery that so many women are willing to be with a married man!
    My mentality is that I need to reveal my needs more to her. In return I limp along at providing the best I can as I watch the kids and keep the house clean…so depressing in a reversed roll…then she comes home complaining that I need to get a job so she can be home…I feel so heavy a burden that the depression is just sad. I long to feel like a man again. No one to talk to about it…this is it.
    Merry Christmas…the jet tub awaits me.

    1. Jeff,

      How I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Your worth as a man is not in your ability to bring home a paycheck. I know that you would do that in a heartbeat if you had a chance. And I know that it is so excruciating for a man to not be able to be the breadwinner. But, my precious brother… Your worth and value come from Christ. He made you. He redeemed you. You have great value because He has given it to you. Check out Romans 8 to see what God says about you. No one can take that away from you. Yes, it would be awesome if you could have a job. I agree. And I pray for God’s will and His provision and His greatest glory in your life, your marriage and your family. I pray He might open a door of opportunity for you soon. But, I long for you to experience the peace, joy and power of God in your life even in these less than ideal circumstances.

      Most wives are not purposely disrespectful. I am really glad you are sharing your needs with your wife. She probably has no idea what feels disrespectful or respectful to you. I am so proud of her that she is listening and doing better. Women are not good at reading men’s minds. For the most part, we have no clue how different y’all are from us! It is pretty shocking when we realize how differently you think and how different your needs are. Most of us need a lot of help to understand that.

      I pray for healing for your wife. But I praise God for that tub and the joy that it brings to you both.

      I am praying for your children. Goodness, what a fiery trial your family is experiencing. I know the enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy. How I pray that you will stand in the gap for your children and that God might work in their lives. I pray for their safety and for healing for them and wisdom, healing, hope, comfort, strength, and the power of God’s Spirit for you and your wife.

      Much love to you, my brother!!

      Merry Christmas to you and your family!

  36. Hmmm I think this is the case of Puritanism gone wild. This ultra- conservatism crept in. Saying men have wild sex drives and women have none. Every woman has a sex drive a very strong one ,capable of multiple orgasms many times each day. Sorry men you can not physically achieve this no matter how much you dream about it.

    A Mans sex drive is in short AMAZING! It’s responsive and can put up with a lot of force and tension.

    However if a husband is making a wife feel uncomfortable no matter what he thinks she will feel disrespected and shut down. A man should be making himself free to be touched, groped , vulnerable , dirty talked to etc. he should recognise her sexuality as separate from himself. If I only play with my husband when I am in the mood it conveys disrespect. If I engage my husband and bring him to me or I initiate he will be VERY happy to have sex. Initiating to a man says that you enjoy him even if you do this often. There is rarely too much initiating even if it’s 90% you 10% him. A man needs to make himself vulnerable in order to experience sex deeply in a way that seers in his brain. If you engage with each other even if he initiated you can experience his masculinity and feel free to have good sex. A Masculine man is never ever ashamed of a wife that initiates often or engages him sexually. Then wives enjoy those vulnerable moments that he shows no one else !!

    Women why not get to know ur husbands primal, emotional , spiritual, paternal sides during sex. A real man knows that sexual encounters are different. Why not mention that .Men LOVE when u notice things about them in the bedroom. They give u that look like U NOTICED! Wow good.

    1. Lauren,

      I am definitely not saying that men have “wild sex drives and women have none”! I have posts for wives who have the higher drive and whose husbands are rejecting them, as well. That is the case in about 40% of marriages. In this post, I am addressing a particular wife’s question.

      Many men and women do enjoy sex in marriage – thankfully! There are few marriages where the drive and desire level is the same all the time. So there can be issues of balance to be worked out. If a husband is feeling very disrespected, or has medical issues, or is exhausted, or just has low testosterone or is on the low end of “normal libido,” sometimes husbands do reject their wives. Sometimes husbands don’t like feeling constantly pressured into sex. I have a post about that here.

      I also have a post about wives initiating sex more here.

      Thanks for sharing!

    2. @Lauren: You made a decent post, but there are a few things to consider. For starters, this “multiple orgasms” for women things comes with a grain of salt. Many times after a woman has an orgasm she becomes too sensitive to touch and it becomes uncomfortable for her. A woman may not have a refractory period the same as a man does, but that does not mean she can have sex 24/7/365 without a break. Natural lubrication also becomes an issue. A woman’s body will not lubricate indefinitely either. Then of coarse there is the remaining factor which is at some point the man will be tire out and the sex will end regardless of how many orgasms his wife is capable of. Things often sound good on paper, but in practice its an entirely different thing.

      Also, orgasm and ejaculation for men are 2 different things. Although they often happen at the same time one not necessarily follow the other. In some Eastern philosophies there are muscle developing techniques that men learn to separate ejaculation from orgasm which enables them to have “one after another.” Even if a man doesn’t master these techniques, for most guys the refractory period is not longer than a few minutes which is hardly a show stopper.

  37. well, my time with my wife in the jet tub before Christmas was a disaster! I looked forward to our time together to relax and drink some wine to take the edge off and she spent an hour telling me how mean I am to our 20 year old autistic son (Asperger’s). I did my best to defend myself while I went over every one of her false accusations as the Jacuzzi jets were blowing away. I feel like she is living in a time from 6 years ago. I’ve been the one trying to address our son’s homosexual issues, his lack of masculinity and his immaturity on a daily basis as well as his therapy sessions bi-monthly. She continues to allow the effeminate behaviors and derides me whenever I calmly speak to him about some issue during the day when he might be dancing like…a girl…really like a girl! and I’m being mean!! So this is what we talked about for an hour as I got more and more worked up over her false accusations until I told her she was lying. She asked me to repeat it and I did. The whole discussion came to a crescendo when she told me that my grad school for psychology would fail because I was such a mean man! As the bubbles roared and the wine flowed into my glass we fought over issues of my unemployment and her incessant disrespect in many things. I told her that her disrespect was from my unemployment for the last 5 years. (I collect welfare for our Downs child, sort-of as a wage) I said that she would never allow me to make decisions for the family because of my unemployment. She disagreed of course. In the midst of our nudity, jet bubbles and wine, we ended the conversation and switched to a brief discussion about our trip next year for our 30th anniversary. I am reluctant to talk about this trip because my wife is living with untreated Vaginismus. She has had 9 months to call our very affordable and available doctor and yet still complains that she works and has had difficulty. Needless to say, I am not excited for ANY trip with her and I remain so until she addresses the issue. When we returned home after Christmas she accused me again of being harsh and unapologetic to our 22 year old son who relapsed on meth again, shortly before we left.
    I am not hopeful. I want to give up, or concentrate on a job I don’t have…!

    I have duties. Its gym time again.

    1. Jeffrey,
      Goodness… so many challenges and misunderstandings. 🙁

      Praying for wisdom for you and for your wife. Praying for your children. Sometimes moms don’t understand a dad’s perspective. And sometimes moms don’t realize that there can be times when a dad’s approach is very needed, even if it may seem a bit harsh to her at the time. As a pharmacist, I have seen many meth addicts. There can be times when very firm boundaries must be set. A person addicted to meth is not in his/her right mind. It is not loving to allow a person to continue on in that type of destructive addiction. Praying for unity and healing for you both and for God’s wisdom in each of these painful, difficult trials.

  38. Short version–men are to look to God–not their wives–to be affirmed or to be filled up after a rough day at work. When a man has the tttitude that sex with his wife is for him–for his affirmation or to fill him up–he has just made his wife/sex an idol replacing God. Sex is the ultimate picture of good relating–of giving and trusting–not taking and demanding. I am saddened by the majority of the posts and responses here.

    1. Aileen,

      Husbands can turn their wives, sex, marriage, etc… into idols, that is true. And ultimately, we do all need to find our fulfillment in Christ. I completely agree!

      I do believe wives can bless their husbands by being joyfully available to them. But sex is not supposed to be a selfish, or self-serving act in a godly marriage. And nowhere does God say we should demand sex. God commands us to not withhold sex from our spouse – but that does not give a spouse the right to demand anything or be abusive.

      I’m so sad to think that you are not hearing that message here. If there is something I can do to make things more clear, please let me know.

      Thanks for sharing!

  39. I admit I only got thro about 1/2 of the comments, so please forgive as I will go back and read them.

    I love sex. I think lovemaking is an art and about the most excitement a couple can share. It can touch us deep into our spirituality and cause much happiness that makes both parties eager to please each other in all things, we become more loving. We just keep falling in love over and over again with the same partner.One of the secrets is to really learn each other and all their responses that excite desire.
    I think there is a reason we often call it lovemaking.

    I think sexual rejection is disastrous to a marriage and the soul kinship of husband and wife (except when there is adultery)
    And this is one thing I taught my daughter when she came of age.

    So, being truly astonished at some of the things I have read in the comments….as my husband was in the kitchen and I, in sight, on the sofa. Gave him that teasing (comedian) look and announced I was going to ask him 3 questions so get ready.

    And purely out of the blue (as far as he knew) I asked him what was the first 3 things that came to his mind about sex.
    He smiled and blurted out 3 of his body parts.
    I laughed hysterically.
    I don’t think even given all of eternity that I would have come up with his answers!

    So then I asked him if he wanted to hear my reply.
    He seemed a little unsure about that but did hang around to see what I would say.

    I told him exactly and specifically that I loved each of those parts (and I named them) and I told him how I best enjoyed them. I love this thing with that etc type of convo.
    So I was able to tell him in clear detail about what I liked and wanted in a light hearted way without any undue embarrassment or awkwardness, while also affirming I loved him and his parts and how he could best please me with them.
    And I believe it was a boost to him as well.

    I shared this to say that we can find creative approaches with goodwill and not tie ourselves up in knots. and definitely without accusations.

    Maybe this exchange only fits our marriage, but I believe in hope and finding what works for individuals.

    May your love life become inspired!

      1. Tena,
        Thank you for that PG rated story. I think that as Christians, we (meaning Christian “leaders” AND the rest of us) do not teach enough about the intimate part of our relationships. Some couples come into the marriage with “baggage” and those issues are never resolved due to never engaging in conversation about it. Men need to be affirmed. Some women treat a man’s “sexual overdrive” like its some kind of joke among women’s groups. Then those same women ignore the man’s sexual needs and response’s. In other cases the man makes sexual comments to his wife that are crass and funny-serious to him.
        Those men who are well-fed sexually, should have no problem addressing God in prayer and spending needed time with family members. Those who are sexually starved, go “hunting” for fulfillment. The method of fulfillment could be a workaholic, too much golf or any combination of sexual sins. I pity a wounded church during a difficult time of redefinition of marriage. What does the church really have to offer? The weakness of our argument to same sex couples resides with this problem. The reason for it is that new couples who enter into a Christian marriage have a weak legacy in many cases because they follow an absence of sexual teaching within the church. The results are a 50% or more divorce rate, which to me is embarrassing. I know of some women who profess that they think their husband should be more into prayer and bible reading while making every excuse to ignore the intimacy that makes life exciting for him, otherwise, what is he fighting for? Some men on the other hand, provoke the woman they swore to protect by bringing into the home a world of media, beer, profanity and materialism. There is plenty of blame to go around. I am not a leader but I see things of this nature and the statistics of couples who ignore the intimate part of marriage end up divorced or extremely separated into their own thing removing the excitement for marriage for the next generation. Its no wonder young people leave the church these days.
        There are many things we address in the church and do well. How about the part that keeps us couples together?

  40. Hello there. I don’t really know if someone will read this after all this time but I went online trying to find something that could shed some light into the issues i have in my marriage.

    Ive been married for 10 months now and It hasnt been what I expected at all! when i thought I married a sensible, faithfull, hardworking man, it turns out that he’s actually lustfull, very unsensitive to me, and he’s been giving less that 50 percent of his energies to everything in his life at the moment, including me and our marriage.

    3 month into the marriage he confesed to have a problem with pornography and masturbation. He said the genuinlly thought It was over but it really wasn’t. He even confesed to having done it while I was sleeping or out for groceries. Also then he confesed to having cheated on my with a girl when we dated (only kissing and foolign around). That he was having trouble not to look at woman lustfully out in the streets (and where i live every girl barely wears clothes to go outside) and that he wasnt sure he wanted to change.
    What does that do to your dreams of happily ever after?
    All I wanted out of this marriage is to be loved and cherised and disired, just as I would love cherish and desire him only.

    I used to have problems with masturbation and pornography growing up due to early exposure to sexual images early on my life and was enslave for quite some time. Before I got married I gave all this things to the Lord, he delivired me and since then I’ve been faihfull to my covevant and have no compelling feeling to sin in this way, PRAISE THE LORD. so from this, i understand my husbands struggle… sort of.

    But I feel so disaapointed, so decived, so used and mistreated… I ve given him everything.. and now I feel so guilty over my expectations and just how my heart aches when I think or talk about it.

    I dont think he’s able to understand how it feels on this side of the story, he’s been trying to be kind and understading and he decided to fight against it because he wants to follow Jesus , but he also saids he wants to be able to talk to me about the times he’s feeling tempted or when he fails again. He says he needs that accountability but i seriously can’t take it, I feel angry, cheated on and complety devastated.

    SInce this happened, i’ve had SUCH A HARD time enjoying sex with him. Images come to mind, i wonder about my body because i know some other features are atractive to him (allthough he’s always flirting and touching me, like he always wants to have sex) and whenever I say “not now” he says he just wants to be with his wife…
    My heart goes back and forth, because I want to be his helper in every way, i want to support him especillay since we dont have any godly man around to mentor him, and I want to encourage him… but I feel devastated and the truth is that i’ve sorta lost faith in this marriage.

    I don’t know what to do.

    1. A broken-hearted wife,

      How my heart just breaks for the pain you are experiencing! I’m so glad to meet you and wish I could give you a big hug! We could pray and talk and cry together.

      How I praise God that He has delivered you from your slavery to masturbation and porn use! WOOHOO!!!! I am thankful that you do have some understanding of the addiction your husband faces.

      I can definitely understand the pain you are feeling and I want to see you both healed.

      Please search my home page for “porn” and read the posts you find. The one that is a prayer for those who are addicted to porn and those hurt by porn addiction may be healing.

      And, please check out the following resources:

      Shaunti Feldhahn has a new book, just out today, that she co-wrote with the guy in charge of – Through a Man’s Eyes. I am hoping to get my hands on a copy ASAP and do a review, but I believe that book will be very helpful.

      I also highly recommend, Grace Filled Marriage, by Tim Kimmel. There is a whole chapter on this issue that I believe is very helpful.

      You are not alone! Many wives are in your shoes today, unfortunately. Thankfully, we can pray for one another and for our husbands together and we have every reason for hope in Christ!

      How is your walk with Christ going lately?

      What does your husband say would help him? Are there things you can do as a team to battle this sin. He is not the enemy – the sin and Satan are the real enemies. I long for you to band together with Christ and each other to fight this thing! The enemy wants to tear you apart and destroy your marriage. He wants you to not forgive him and withdraw from him. He wants your husband to stay ensnared and not repent or turn to Christ. How I pray that the enemy will not have victory in your life, your husband’s life, or your precious marriage!

      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s so nice to know there’s someone out there who says more than: “Just get over it”, “Be happy he doesn’t have an affair” or simply “forgive him”

        The truth is my relationship with God is sorta on the rocks. When I came to the knowledge of all of this it was unbarable so I just decided to put it aside, thinking I had forgiven everything. But the, a second crisis came and I had this incredible amount of anger and as I dug depper into what was going on I noticed that I was mostly angry at God. So since then, Its gotten a lot better… but I still do wonder… why this? why me? Sometimes I think it might be that the consecuences of my past sin are making its ways into my marriage, a “you had it comming” kinda thing.
        Im trying to make sense of it all, and talking to my husband I realized I was very unaware of many things about sex, man and marriage.

        My husband has decided to fight but he’s clueless about it as well, he’s been praying more and reading a lot some book i’ve bought for him. he only wishes he had someone who understood him that he could talk and hold accountable to. I said that i could listen certaing things I also suggested he’d give me no details but just simple say “pray for me. Im struggling today” or give he signs if he’s feeling very tempted and we both can be together and lessen the “heat”
        But sex for me now seems so broken, defiled and just plain … carnal.
        I thought highly of it, but this experience has made it lose its magic and now sometimes it feels like a burden.

        I’ve come to learn that i have to give myself to my husband.. and I did’nt quite understand that until very recently so obedience has been the only thing making me hold onto this area of our lives, that even If i dont feel like it, or that it causes me certain type of sadness I still do it because I know I’m obeing God when I do… and He blesses obedience, whether I’m able to see it or not.

        I appreciate your words of encouragement and I hope God blesses you, your family and ministry.

        1. A broken-hearted wife,

          There is a lot more to it than just getting over it, or glossing over this sin. Before you can forgive – you do have to acknowledge the severity of the sin and the cost of it to your marriage. And before you can forgive, you do have to have a right relationship with God and have experienced His grace, mercy, and forgiveness for your massive sin debt to Him, as well.

          How do you believe you have a right relationship with God?

          Why do you believe you have been angry with God? Do you believe God should have not allowed your husband to have free will?

          What are you praying for now?

          What do you desire to have in your walk with Christ?

          How did you come to Christ?

          Let’s hash through this stuff together, my precious sister! I’m happy to walk beside you on this road. 🙂

          Much love to you!

          1. All very interesting questions. I was born into a christian family, very traditional in certain things but lacked the teachin about how to walk with God. Im many ways I think some members of my family have no idea how to walk with God If there wasn’t chruch on Sunday.
            That’s how I got baptized but still got in a lot of trouble and a lot of sin in my life, because I hadnt really given my life to Jesus and didn’t really know what that was or how that looked like.

            When I was 20 something i’d say was when I really came to Christ, I understood what “savior” meant in a sinners life, experience grace and redepmtion and found myself in a true deep relationship with God. All of that happpend maybe 2 years before I got married so of course I had to repent of many sins in my dating relationship to who is now my husband. And encourged him to seek restioration in his spriitual like as wel..

            For me having a right relationship with God is follow him closly. Having a prayerfull and obedient spirit, that is passionate about reading his Word and being loving and affectionate to others. I realize I fall short in many of this things, but the best times in my life have been when Im completely surrendered at His feet.

            Reading other posts I’ve been thinking than maybe my marriage could be an “idol” to me and that’s why this is happening… because humans are meant to sin and can hold up to our expectations. But on the other hand I guess God really desires a marriage that honors Him.
            I admit that I turn to God when it comes to my marriage but im not that willing or specific about other things in my life. I think marriage is the most important thing in my life right now .. ( I guess that’s ok) and I deepply desire my life and my marriage to be God honoring… I’ve found my self thinking that there’s no way to accomplish that withouth some hurting and trials, but I found this trials to be overbearing for me.

            After all this happend I found myself completly dissapointed in humanity… specially man. All the man in my life have failed me, my father.. and now my dear husband. I use to be so tender-harted and admired my husband so much and now I struggle with this though that I just have to settle for the person he really is. And it hurts me because my worst dreams have come true.

            Not only in the area of sexuallity, I also have to admit he’s done some serious damage in my self steem since we got married. He use to be incredibly judmental about my thoughts, the way I did things or how I responded to certaing things, and made me feel inferior to him in many ways. He didnt mean to do that.. he was just acting out from the things he delt with in his own up bringing but caused some serious issues between us, so … all of this things pilling up.. I just feel resentfull and so unloving to him.. Why can’t he love me how I loved him? Why isisnt he respectful? faithfull and loving?

            At the beginning I blamed God because I had done all the right things, I didn’t want to bring all of that sin from our dating relationship, got cleanned, decided to follow him and now this… I realize I can’t use God for my own purpuses… to be “fulfilled” and happy by my marriage relationship because He knows that would make me feel at ease and good about life. But I still can handle this feeling of brokeness, betrayal and dissapoinment I feel all the time.

        2. I haven’t posted here in awhile, but afters seeing your thread I felt moved to not be lazy and reply. I would like to offer something a littler deeper than what Jeff offered up to you.

          Many people ignorantly assume that a man’s sex drive is a like a runaway bullet train. Well its easy to say just let it be but the inevitable result is going to be disastrous and sidesteps the actual problem. An out of control sex-drive is a symptom of something far deeper. Jeff rightly points to culture as a driving force but doesn’t elaborate to the degree necessary.

          A woman has incredible influence over a man. Groups of women have a combined influence over a man. Many women wrongly assume that men don’t listen to them. Actually, we listen perhaps on a level that goes deeper than words can penetrate. I believe God is a most imaginative creator and has given men many senses by which to understand woman. After all, I highly doubt He would create 2 beings meant for oneness without giving them the spiritual tools to comprehend the other. The problem however is that women routinely underestimate and are ignorant of their own influence.

          Realize that everything you say or do IS being consumed by your husband. Every “man-joke” you make, every “man-joke” other women make, and every woman-driven (read feminism) crusade against men has influenced your husband in an entirely negative way. In most cases (I’m assuming here) a man’s first image of woman is that of his mother. A mother does something for a man that no other woman will do for him. She lets him feed off her body, energy, and very being. As a result most men start off with a very set of standards when it comes to women. Then reality sets it. He hears the “man-joke.” He hears in the media that he is an “oppressor” by feminist groups. It is like being a kid super excited for Christmas then you come running down to find nothing under the tree. The feeling of having been cheated stings for years to come and often causes one to doubt the existence of what they have been told to believe in.

          Then he hears about women who use sex to wrangle a man into doing what they want done. A woman is a prostitute when a man gives her money for sex. A man is like a prostitute when a woman gives him sex to get something she wants. Add all that up over the years and is really hard to see why men turn to solitary acts against chastity?

          Each man these days has been so psychologically assaulted by women that the out of control sex-drive is more the result of a compromised mind than it is of a truly “high sex-drive” man. Sex makes one feel REALLY good. What do people who feel really bad want to go? They want to feel REALLY good. Make your husband feel like you really appreciate him just being a man. Don’t obsess about what he does or doesn’t do. Just show him you appreciate that he is man so you can bond with him in the intimate way God designed. When women are bashing men, take a stand for men and let your husband see that. Do it on Facebook. Do it on Twitter. Do it in every public venue so your husband can see that you are indeed honored and proud of what he is. Remember, God made woman to reflect the glory of man. “A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man.” (1 Corinthians 11:7) When women tare men down, they tare themselves down. Get in touch with what God created you to be and you will influence your husband to do the same.

          And FYI, laced underwear and a pole dance will not solve a spiritual deficiency regardless what any guy says……

          1. The Muslims believe that ALL men’s sex drive is uncontrolled. I’m simply asking a question about a method that may or may not work in the case of a wife being the sexual tiger he needs. Some men need a combination of biblical counsel and marriage tips.
            In my case, I would be very much more motivated if my wife was more negotiable for that sexual side. Instead sexuality is held behind a gate that she controls. I am more apt to walk away and do nothing than bend to her sexual control or lack thereof.
            I remember a big fight we had recently. We planned on a usual intimate encounter at that time. She blamed me for our fight and sexually penalized me…told me I ruined the mood. Well, I planned on doing NOTHING on the garden project that she needed my hands on for the next week! I was then going to disappear to the gym for 3 hours!
            Rest of the story; within the hour, she made up to me. “attacked me” while I was changing in the bedroom. Needles to say, I worked on the garden the rest of the day!
            I am negotiable.

          2. For a man (or woman) who doesn’t have the Holy Spirit – I’m sure that the sex drive could be uncontrolled.

            Thanks Jeff and JRiani for the masculine perspectives.

            I’m sure you can see that men tend to think in very different ways from how we do. Maybe your husband could relate to something some of the men here have shared? Or maybe they have a different way of looking at things. Could be an interesting discussion to have (in a friendly, curious way – not an interrogating, condemning way – of course). May God empower us as wives to better understand our men and to seek to bless them.

            I have some new Youtube videos up this week that may be a blessing to your marriage!

            The Smiling Challenge
            The Tone of Voice Challenge

            Much love to each of you!

          3. I just have to admit I’m clueless about everything.

            Here are some ideas I had about man:

            1. They are head-over-hills about the woman they love and would do anything for them.

            2. They generally have a higher sex drive than woman.

            3. They will always say yes to a woman’s sexual advance (wife’s). Always up and ready.

            4. They love longerie and things to look at.

            5. They are fun and want to have fun in bed.

            6. They love it when a woman is engaged in the love making, when she tries different things and has fun with it.

            7. If he can talk to her about the things he’d like to do diffently in the bedroom.

            yet, this is not really how is goes in my marriage.
            My husband seems nervous or unconfrotable when I make an advance because he’s affraid of not making it work ?? (I would imagine the thought of being with me enought to make him feel excited) guess not.

            He doesnt respond to my sexual advances when he’s doing something else like.. reading something on facebook or doing something unimportant.. he just doesnt like to be interrumpet … not even by a desirefull wife? Thats great

            He doesnt want me to do anything for him in the bedroom “down there” .. all he wants to do is me. He says he doesnt want to bring his sinfull desires so I act them out… he says he doesnt want to go down that road..

            So he never has something he wants to try or do different. It’s the same if Im wearing a torn tshirt and havent showered than prepare a fancy something to wear and a new perfunme.

            He feels weird when I tell him I want to do something….

            I just wonder he’s got some trash in his head from all the porn watching… I could not ever be as beautifull as those woman and never preform loude acts like them.. So he prefers it that way because he thinks they are disgusting.(something he’s said before). but still .. can make him explode from desire?

            He wants to be able to grope me whenever he wants to .. If he’s playing an I pass by he grabs. and whenever he’s ready he expects me to be willing as well…
            When he does this rejecting me want i want and seeking me sexually when he wants when he “feels” it.. I think two things: He’s aroused by something he’s thingking about, or his body is just telling me he needs it.
            And if i ever ask him why he’s all over me at times he says he just thinks im incredibly sexy and he desires me… so he doesnt desire me when I iniciate?

            The problem has to be me. And of course I could think… how many would want a wife who is so involved and he just… doesnt even ackknolegde that as a good thing?

            He never says He likes anything about me. But very clear when I mess up about anything. Nowadays is so hard for me to think about it possitivly.


            Please feel free to share some perspective.

          4. @Broken Hearted: The reason things don’t make sense sometimes is because human have faulty logic. If your husband is behaving irrationally then trying to make sense out of it is futile. Like I said before, women (as a group) DO carry a lot of influence even over an individual man. That influence is not just sexual. Mistake number 1 that women make is to think that every misgiving about men goes back to sex. It really doesn’t. Disordered sexual appetites have more to do with how society treats / views men than it does with some biological drive. Yes, men have a different biological perspective on sex but that doesn’t mean it is / should be a destructive one. Actually it should be a creative one.

            Don’t blame yourself. Don’t take the weight of the world on your shoulders. Think about Jesus Christ. He was a man. Yes, He was God too but He revealed Himself in the form of a man. Meditate on that tenet of our faith and use His example to show men what can be in us. Only God can move stony stubborn hearts. Our prayers can help, but only He knows how to do it.

          5. Broken Hearted Wife,

            The problem is not you, my precious sister! And I think that it would be really helpful for you to have a much more accurate understanding of what is involved in a man’s mind who is addicted to porn. Shaunti Feldhahn has a new book that just came out this week. I read the first 100 pages already last night, actually. It’s called, “Through a Man’s Eyes.” She co-authored this book with the guy who runs who helps thousands and thousands of people around the world find the healing of Christ for porn addictions.

            I can tell you this – his addiction has nothing to do with his desire for you. And it has nothing to do with whether he thinks you are beautiful or not. It is about something much more deep in his own soul as a man – that really doesn’t have anything to do with you. Porn use and addiction is not about a lack of sex in marriage. It is about the way that porn makes a man feel better about himself – in a counterfeit way.

            PLEASE, PLEASE get that book ASAP! Now- it may be difficult for some women to read this book. If you are not willing to really hear what the authors are saying and you are going to freak out and try to punish your husband – don’t read it. But if you can read it prayerfully, with a desire to better understand your husband and to seek to bless, encourage, and support him – then I believe it will give you a lot of very powerful tools to bless your marriage and to be on your husband’s team against this addiction.

            Your husband has a lot of brokenness and sin going on in his life revolving around the way he thinks about sex – and it sounds like he is trying, in his own way, to protect you from his sin. He is trying to honor you. But you may both need some help. has lots of resources for you both.

            The issue isn’t your beauty at all. And he probably DOES think you are incredibly sexy and he probably DOES really desire you. I think it is safe to believe him about that. The issue with porn is – for most men – a totally separate issue from their love and their attraction to their wives.

            Praying for you to find the understanding you need and for God to bring healing and the resources you both need to find victory over this addiction, my precious sister!

          6. Hello there Peacefull wife.
            I got the book and I’m already half way through it.. as I read it yesterday lots of things started to make sense and I feel how some strongholds were turned down and I feel lots of sympathy for my husband and all the man out there.

            During the night I had nightmares of losing my husband and me screaming and being devastated and the feeling of wanting my life to end. (I do not really want to commit suicide) but was the feeling.
            So of course I woke up feeling like a had been run over by a train and with all of my wounds freshly oppened.

            All I want right now is a little peace, a litte light at the end of the tunel and a HUGE amount of healing.
            Today when my husband left the house to go on a serious of meetings I found myself being resentful, and feeling like he was leaving and everything else was more important than me (which is really not the deal) and this makes me feel angry at him and guilty for what Im experiencing…

            My sight, or thought of him is almost invaded by these feelings of betrayal, anger and dissapoinment, sorrow for how so many people in this world suffer on this regard and mostly just bare pain.

            Even after i prayed this morning and spent some time with God, i can’t pick myself up. I feel guilty because i know i have to be strong for him, he needs to know that I can take it… but today is just a really bad day for me.
            So here I am waiting for my cheerful husband to come and take me on a date whe had planned, but he doesn’t know his comiing home to a wife soacked in tears..

          7. Broken Hearted Wife,

            I’m so glad that the book is already helping! I hope you will continue to read to the end before trying to talk about any of this with your husband. There is a lot of helpful info about how you can support your husband and bless him as well as much hope in Christ toward the end of the book!

            How is your walk with Christ going? You probably can’t be strong in your own power – but as you cling to Him and allow Him to change and fill you up with His Spirit – you absolutely can be the godly wife God calls you to be and you can be on your husband’s team and be supportive as you both battle this issue together in unity.

            Can you turn to God’s promises, my dear sister? Like Romans 8:28-29? God is with you. You are not alone. God is good. His design for men and for women – and marriage – is good. God can help you understand your husband better. He can help your husband understand you better. This can be a springboard to greater intimacy, oneness, love, respect, and joy! Seriously!

            Read the rest of the book as soon as you can – not necessarily the FAQs if you don’t have time today – but the rest of the chapters. Pray. Seek God above all else in your life!

            I’m right here and am glad to walk beside you on this journey. This is information I wish we as women all understood as teenagers. But most of us had no idea how guys thought or what it meant that they were “visual.” But now we have more information to understand them better and to seek to bless them with this greater understanding.

            Be of good courage, my sweet sister! God is with you. He is able to empower and strengthen you as you trust fully in Him. He can and will use all of this for your ultimate good and His glory!

            Much love to you!

          8. male perspective here:
            The sexual desire of a young man is a bit of a mystery. He is wanting it often and can recover and want it again the next night. The available wife may find this a bit over whelming. She may desire some amount of restraint on his part. Without me talking to him, I cannot vouch for his groping.
            You pass by, he sees “WOMAN” and reaches out to touch you. Needs restraint. Or some amount. If he is ok in public, perhaps he can restrain at home? Perhaps speak to him respectfully that he gets, say…2 gropes per day and then he has to do chores (bathroom duty?) to get more gropes…unless he’s hurting you, then it stops. Or if he’s had his desire met in the morning, he has to wait 12 hours to get another grope…help me out here…talk to the guy about some level of restraint. I pat my wife’s behind at times but I try and do it when the kids are not looking and within reason, not too hard, not while she’s carrying a bowl of hot food, and not after a hard leg workout…and I had better give her a kiss soon after or she may think less of me. (she is great at 50 in those tight jeans) Negotiation is a good thing. Try it.

  41. Please allow my 2 cents worth;
    Fact: Some men are young and have a sex drive that is in 5th gear all day. Criticize this at your own peril.
    Some of these men are devoted Christians or at least they see Christ as THE important person in the world and they want to follow Him but sexuality is in over-drive and so they walk away from the faith because a sexual need cannot be met with the wife they have. Temptation-failure results. The man in this condition will always want to follow Christ but the physical/sexual demands in his body prevent him from doing so. His eyes rove the earth in search of sexual satisfaction. What he sees is inbred in his very creation.
    So, what is the devoted wife to do?
    hmm. Ponder. Wife gets girlfriends together to complain. She looks it up in the Bible. Talks to pastors. Goes to women’s church retreat. (and left him unsatisfied at home) The wife gathers a consensus with her 6 or so girlfriends and her mother…
    Determines and concludes her over-sexual husband to be in-the-wrong!
    end of story, go back to tending house chores.
    Later, catches husband on internet porn again.
    Continually catches him looking at women everywhere.
    He then stops being honest with the wife, stops asking for sex and drops into a depression of despair and silence and becomes a workaholic, thereby disappearing from married life. From then on his reactions to the wife are sporadic and crass.

    Alternate solution; negotiate with him for wife to become the primary sexual object he needs in order for him to; practice looking away from other women; opening up his computer web searches to the wife; exposing his phone use; praying together.
    The wife then also purchase items (within reason) that she can wear for him, at home, to get the thrill he needs. Then his satisfaction is from her, about her and to her. Sexuality for him would then be encapsulated within the marriage (right where it biblically should be). Then the wife can provide the house chore lists including back rub and tea prepared the way she likes it, etc, etc. (I do this)
    Listen wives; in our highly sexualized world there are two ways to fight this; one is to complain and get friends who agree with you. The other is to be in the fight and keep it at home where you have control. A satisfied man will not want to venture too far from home.

    ok. end of my opinion.

    1. Jeff,

      Thanks for sharing ways that wives can bless and help their husbands and for helping us understand a masculine perspective a bit more.


      This is an area where temptation can definitely get intense – for men and for women. I love the thought of husbands and wives both seeking to meet the other’s needs selflessly. If we would all do that – we would have many more really amazing marriages, in my view!

      For those whose spouse is withholding sex (which is sin – and needs to be addressed lovingly), I do believe that there is hope in Christ and that He is able to give us the power to overcome any temptation. Here is a helpful post from a 40 year old single man, “Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord.” If God can empower our single brothers and sisters to live in celibacy, I know He can also empower us as married men and women to overcome temptation. Ideally, we would be able to have fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy with our spouse – but even if we can’t, God does have the power we need to overcome. I believe this is such powerful and good news!

      I’d love to see husbands and wives be joyfully willing to engage in sex together and enjoy each other. And I’d love to see husbands and wives be joyfully willing to engage in emotional connection and even spiritual connection together, as well. Then we can be better prepared to handle temptation. But even when our spouses fail us – our Lord will not!

      1. Words of encouragement for each of us from Scripture about the power of God over any temptation in our lives, including sexual temptation and temptation to use porn or to have an emotional affair:

        No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

        When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:13-15

        Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20

        Proverbs 5 – warning against adultery

        Verses about sexual temptation

  42. I am sad to hear you left God. He hasn’t left you. Never. As far as this man, I believe you believed in the best for him. That’s what we are supposed to do. Romans 12. However, many people have hard hearts. That’s why divorce was created since Moses. In the new testament, it explains abandonment being cruel. That for me was constant with my husband not caring for the desires of my heart. This terrible neglect won’t last any longer. Its running into my kids as well. If you notice, 2 Corinthians says, if an unbeliever leaves, so be it, for who are you to be the one who saves them. In 2 Timothy it explains an abusive man will find a steeped in sin woman to bear all of his burdens, (oppressions that are demonic). In this situation, you’ll notice conditional love while we extend unconditioal love and compassion. Little does the devil know that we women are the first to hate evil bc we were first
    deceived so through the temple (church) the Commander is staked whether we get the burdens or the entire man out of our tent (womb). Don’t condemn yourself due to hard hearts sf omping on the desires of your heart. Keep wearing your armor Ephesians 6 so you can embrace our Lord Jesus Christ and his perfect love 2 John. Stand firm or you won’t stand at all Isaiah. Blessings

  43. Question, I have been married for 23 years. For most of my marriage, about 20 years, my husband has had sex with me without much foreplay and almost no touching after the act is complete he gets up washes and goes to sleep or just moves on with his day. He wants anal and talks about it all the time. I thought if I did that for him he would cuddle me. It hurt horribly I was unable to let him finish that way, but did let him finish vaginally. He got up cleaned himself and went to bed. I still feel horrible about this and used when it comes to our sex life.

    1. Barbara,

      That sounds very frustrating.

      I’m hoping you have shared with your husband that you would like to ease into things with some foreplay and how much you would enjoy cuddling afterward? If you are hurting that much, it may be necessary to let him know that this is just too painful – and to find some other things he likes that don’t hurt you. Have you communicated any of your needs and desires to him? If so, how have you attempted to talk about things?

      Much love to you!

      1. I have talked with him several times in several ways. I spoke with him in private. I try not to use words like you to eleviate blame. Once we were in bed and I tried to get him to touch me and foreplay to show him. He did for a bit but then just went ahead. I asked him several times to cuddle after but it always seems fake or like I’m pressuring him.

        1. Barbara,

          Husbands are often not very good at mind reading and may not realize all that is involved, and how much more complicated arousal is, for women. It could be great to spell things out more for him in a positive way, “you know what, Honey? I would love it if we could just spend 10-15 minutes touching each other without clothes on before we get into actually having sex. That would help me really warm up and get way into our time together.” Or you could share whatever you believe would work best for you. And you can say, “my favorite thing is when you do this…” And you can share the positions and activities you like the most. Smile at him. Maybe even flirt. It could be fun!

          1. Barbara,

            You’re welcome. It seems to me that a relaxed, friendly, playful approach may be one that a lot of husbands would be most receptive to. Praying for God’s wisdom for you! 🙂

  44. Here is what a dear sister in Christ shared – and has given me permission to share. She used to believe she had to be a “trophy wife” and when she approached some Christian books, she thought she was hearing that message reinforced. Sometimes, certain women are very sensitive to such triggers. I think this woman’s approach may be a blessing to some women who struggle in this area to bring some balance. Check this out:

    Some Christian studies on marriage can tempt us to feel responsible for our husbands sin, our marriage, to stay together, and a whole lot of performance on our part to make sure he is never tempted and we are always enough for him. The problem is we are never pretty enough, exciting enough or wonderful enough to hold our marriages together. Our husbands could still sin even if we were.

    So we need the truth – We are not going to be enough to keep our husbands faithful or keep them from sin. We are not their savior. Their sin issues were there before we were in their lives. Only God can set them free from lust or anything else . And only God can set us free from fear and worry and performancing.

    I am already beautiful in Christ and I need to be filled up with His love and truth about me. Only Christ is enough for my husband. If he is focused on Christ, Jesus is enough for him. So the answer for my husband to be free is Christ. I can pray for him. And the answer for me is Christ.

    I don’t have to be a victim – worried about my husband’s sin or potential to sin. I can grow with Christ in any circumstance including one where my husband is sinning. My hope and joy and identity is in Christ, not my husband being perfect. I don’t have to pressure myself and feel constant guilt and fear to perform or he will leave me. I can rest in Christ’s love and grace for me and for my marriage and husband. I don’t have to worry about the future and what-ifs. I can enjoy my husband and think of intimacy and beauty as a good gift from God rather than a heavy, impossible duty I will never be good enough at (a lie from Satan).

    Rather than be fearful and jealous,(Beth Moore said jealousy and fear has never won back a wandering husband) and looking at my lack, I can look at all the good already in my husband, all the love and blessings Christ has already given me, and the hope that God is fighting for me and my marriage. I am not the Holy Spirit and I can quit trying to police my husband and be free to give him respect and prayer and be listening to God and staying out of God’s way if my husband does need convicting.

    Sometimes my husband isn’t even struggling and it is just me being paranoid that is the problem! I need to ask for God’s wisdom, and not try to figure out what is right in my own eyes.

  45. I read most of the comments hoping to find an answer, but what if your lack of sex drive is because of the lying about and awareness of your husbands pornography and sexual addiction (he also struggles with prescription addiction a year and a half into our marriage that began) He has admitted to porn a few times, one of those times is recently, I’ve begged for counseling, he’s refusing and turned away from God since our church fell apart almost 2 years ago now (doesn’t want to try or trust another church) he rejected the men from our old church who tried to hold him accountable and approach him and will masturbate up to 3 times a day on top of wanting to have sex. When I have gave in to him he then highers his expectations and wants it constantly or daily. He guilts and shames me if I can’t or am not in the mood (I have had past sexual abuse and pain with sex most of the time) We have a 18 month old that I have pretty much raised on my own and he left a month ago, I tried giving him another chance then had to tell him to leave (separate) because he has become extremely verbally and emotionally abusive in front of our son to the point where he was bending down and telling my son to his face what a horrible person I was and that I was cheating on him (I know our son can’t understand now but what about when he can) If I’m the only one trying to get help-counseling on my own I started a month ago, found a new church, raising my son alone..What are options, I’m praying, I’m continuously forgiving him and asking God to change me because I know I’ve been wrong in this time and made mistakes myself, such as hanging out with my guy friends a few times I grew up with this summer (We’re 25/26) But I have since repentanted from that and stopped, I never have cheated on him and I know I never will, I don’t have a sex drive at all! Because of all of this 🙁 I am unsure what to do. If you have wisdom, I know I can not change him, but with such an unhealthy situation I am lost, I believe I’ve heard God say a separation is ok right now, continue praying for him, he needs to be broken and allow God to work. I am doing that. I just would love further insight about sexual addiction and what I do as a wife.

    1. I’m Not Sure What to Do,

      Goodness, it sounds like an extremely painful situation. 🙁

      This sounds like there are some pretty major issues going on – where you will need one-on-one counseling and specific resources to help you heal from your own sexual abuse and to deal with your pain involving sex and also to deal with your husband’s porn and masturbation addiction.

      What is your counselor suggesting for you to do?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Have you checked out the resources available for wives in situations like this at

      Ultimately, when separation would be necessary is something that only you can decide with God’s wisdom. There are times separation can be a very necessary step toward healing. I have a post about praying through such a difficult decision here.

      Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you, for your husband, and for your marriage, my precious sister!

  46. Just a quick comment. Ladies, I can understand that sometimes you feel groped, but April has given you several suggestions that might help.

    But please carefully consider this. There may come a time in your marriage where you long for sexual connection, but you have rejected your husband so long that he no longer even tries.

    This is an excellent article about this…

      1. I have never rejected my husband sexual lyrics nor in anything else he ever wanted! This comment irritates me because I don’t believe women even married women should have to put up with being put down just to please the husband.

        1. Barb,

          I am not sure which comment you are referring to about wives being put down? I want all wives and husbands to be treated well by their spouse. It breaks God’s heart when anyone sins at all against anyone else – even in our thoughts. There are times we all – husbands and wives – mess up. And there are all times we all – husbands and wives – need forgiveness and grace.

          Hopefully if a wife is feeling insulted or sinned against she can respectfully bring that up with her husband and if he has wronged her he will apologize. I have a post about confronting our husbands about their sin that may be helpful if that is happening for any of the ladies.

          I desire to see everyone complete, whole, healed, and filled with the peace, joy, and love of Christ. Jesus is able to meet our deepest spiritual and emotional needs in ways no human ever could. I pray that God might bring healing to all on this thread who are deeply wounded.

          Much love!

  47. April,
    Gosh, you have become a very needed and useful counselor here. The focus of respect is still the same I assume.
    I would like to elude to my July post in which I suggested some valid points but there are some ladies here who are not dealing with real men, so my post would not apply at all. I also want to point out the need for longer wedding engagements (a year or so) in order to bring out some of the man’s flaws before marrying a bad person.
    I can say without a doubt that the internet has educated us all into oblivion. Men, unfortunately, have educated themselves with sexual content that their poor inexperienced bride seems to be the problem when really it is the men who are over stimulated, over-educated and over-sexual contented themselves into this oblivion.
    Here, we are talking about the ‘M’ word and the ‘A’ word and we are all blushed as well as yourself, April…I am so sorry for you to have to experience this. Share with your husband, ok?
    I wish to speak some words of encouragement here and I really feel bad for some of these sexually pressured women. I have myself tried to enjoy the presence of just being with my wife in other ways and to enjoy those times when the bedroom door is shut and mom and dad are “unavailable” for at least a couple of hours and that we do in fact cuddle in many ways so that the main event, as they say, is delayed and for good reason. I wish the church or dads or moms or whoever, could educate young couples about sex, sexual things, sexuality, etc. But I think your work here, April, is complex, controversial and in some cases inconsolable.
    Once again I feel for those ladies here who are followers of Christ and want to respect their husbands but feel alone and in some cases in pain from unwanted or strange sex acts that come from another planet. (get the meaning?)
    I plan to buy your book, soon April. Not sure if it is good to give my wife though. Sort of like giving a book on self help…the other person may not feel the same way and wonder why you gave it. I’ll reread the posts on your book-work for details.


    1. Jeff,

      There is a lot of pain. Yes. 🙁 Very heartbreaking! Thank you for your compassion for wives who are hurting and who are struggling with very difficult situations.

      Thanks for your support about the book. It is a very self-introspective kind of book. Sometimes books like that are better for people to get for themselves unless they ask for a book on that topic.

  48. My husband pointed this blog out to me this morning, he was looking for ways to help me connect with other women about a topic that is always in our marriage. Groping. I am kind of a touch me not. I do not enjoy PDA except hand holding or hug. I was raised in a Godly home where that kind of stuff was private and for the marriage bed. My parents had a healthy affectionate marriage, I saw their love and also saw them respect others around them. Even in our home majority of the affection was hugging, a peck kiss, or words of endearment. I grew up installed with modest sexually and only about 2 years in H.S. did I venture into lustful acts. I was a virgin until my senior year where I shamed myself after because I felt I let God down. I knew well that I was forgiven. But I met and married a very sexual man shortly after I re-dedicated my body back to the Lord.

    Here we are married for 16 years with a lot of baggage. He cheated for majority of our marriage with me only finding out right before our 10 year anniversary. He is a soldier and had lost a family member as a young teen so he used sex to fill any void or to self medicate from his PTSD. We sought counseling and separated for a bit. I chose to forgive and allow God to heal our marriage. But things have never been the same. He cheated so much then that he didnt pay me much attention, or seek sexual interaction unless he wasnt getting it from somewhere else. I was also mistreated with called names and belittled for my modesty in the bedroom. He really only wanted me when he was drunk and then it wasnt romantic or loving. He is a good man now and God has chanhed him so much, but I still struggle with the hurt and distrust. The problem now that he isnt getting his fix ourside of our marriage he is constantly sexually driven. Groping, talking sexually to me, and always wanting X daily. I can’t do this all the time. My body gets sore and I dont always feel like it is love based but more a need for him physically, that he is trying to fill or keep him from cheating…

    I love him and want to be emotionally and physically connected, but I dont want to feel like it is all about his needs. I dont want to be a “fill” or even deal with his love lanuage, that same love language that destroyed my heart, trust, and defiled our marriage bed. I want him to control his sexuality and be more in tune to me. I need filling. I need emotional connection, I am at the point where I dont want to be submissive or supportive of his needs until he starts worrying about mine. I know that sounds selfish, but he always gets his way and does what he wants and I always have to be the one there reminding him he is loved. What about those of us that are in mending marriages and need to be shown love first before we can give it. Any advice? Anyone going through this like me? I love him and God and want to be a good wife, but Satan keeps bringing back up that it is all about him (husband) and that I just am beneath him in God’s eyes and have to be submissive because to be a good Christian wife means that he is the lead of our family and over me. I am called not to withold my body from him, or the devil will have a foothold, but sometimes I feel like the devil does more work in our sex life than God’s mercy and forgiveness is. In my heart at least.

    1. Other Side of Groping,

      Goodness! What a difficult and painful situation you have been in, my sister. 🙁

      His cheating has been completely stopped the past 6 years?

      Have y’all been working with any counselors to help you both heal, to figure out how to forgive, to help you rebuild trust and rebuild a healthy marriage that is completely different from the dynamics before?

      How is he doing with being transparent and trustworthy and with seeking to meet your needs for emotional connection and safety?

      This article was not intended for couples who are dealing with infidelity or sex addiction. However, there is healing available for you both in Christ. 🙂

      Would you be interested in doing a general spiritual check up with me? In my view, a wife must be healed in Christ and filled to overflowing with Him first, before she can really see clearly to address issues in her husband’s life from a position of strength in Christ. I have a feeling that you still have some spiritual healing to do and that you may have an unhealthy definition of “submission” that it means you have less value than your husband in God’s eyes or that you have no voice or have to be a slave rather than a grown adult with her own free will?

      Yes, Satan would love to destroy you, your husband, and your marriage. I would be glad to point you to Christ and His healing truth if you would like.

      But I believe that the place we will need to start is with your heart and your walk with Christ. That is where the real healing is.

      Much love!

      Are you familiar with the resources at for those struggling with porn and sex addictions and their spouses? May also be helpful.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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