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196 thoughts on “"I Feel like I’m Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes"

  1. This is a lovely and wise response, April. So many women must struggle with this, including a number of beautiful, Christian, Jesus-loving and otherwise wise and gentle ladies. But sex is a gift from God, and as you say, we are not to withhold it from one another. Of course, some men need to express their desires in a less rough manner…but still, it’s the spirit of their offering we need to see and appreciate. I’m blessed with a sensitive husband. He’s all gentleness and sensuality in this regard, and we’re a good match in this department. It must be difficult for some women to lighten up under the burden of housework and family commitments, and all the difficulties and frustrations that come with marriage, but in my experience, a little indulgence goes a long way. And surprisingly, if we can ‘melt’ into our man and the moment, the results are usually just as delicious as us as they are for him. It’s a win-win situation. 🙂

    1. Missmin,
      Thanks for your comment. Yes, the more sensitive men and women can both be – the better the physical/emotional/spiritual connection can be. We just have to learn each other’s languages. They are very different!

      I appreciate the encouragement and support greatly! And so glad to hear that God is working so much in your marriage.

      And I completely agree with you about the melting. We end up enjoying the sex too! And we NEED it, too. There are many benefits that sex brings to us if we will make the time and focus on our husbands and ENJOY and RELAX! SO HARD FOR US!!!! BUT WORTH IT!

    2. Being married for over 25 yrs, I knew soon after my husband lusted after other women. The way he would treat me when he desired sex. All nice and sweet. But one other days when sex wasn’t involved, he’d verbally abuse me, I always gave myself to him. And knew the sex he wanted was with me, since I was the closet female around. I knew it in my heart. He mentally abused me, physically abused me. Told me I garbage after he would get what he wanted. After 15 yrs of marriage he had a spiritual encounter with God. I was so happy. Thinking and praying he will change his ways. It did for a while. He went to bible study pray groups, where there were women there. He would only ask for sex on those days, other days he wouldn’t even touch me. He started falsely accusing me of stuff I had no hand on. It was a smoke screen. On a special day, the baptism of our son we had a party for the family. I cooked cleaned, did everything I had to, to make it special for everyone. While dinner was being served, with enough help taking care of it. I decided to start prepping for dessert. The reason was I had 30 guest over. I went to the garage to get something and when I came back in I saw my husband and sister in law kissing. I was numb. I caught him. Instead of telling me honey do you need help with anything. He yelled and said what are you doing! In a evil voice. I replied I’m getting dessert ready honey. He didn’t care. I hate to say I noticed something else. In his evil lusting, let’s just say he was excited. It wasnst for me. So how does a wife help her husband does she enable m by giving herself to him. God knows it didn’t help him at all. It excelled it. Made it worse. Do I deny him with sex. Dammed if you do dammed if you don’t. I tried to help him. But the fact is he rejects me, hates me. Cause I am aware of his problem. He wants another female. Not wife not mother of his 6 children. Just a female. I going to counciling. After all the evil his caused, only Jesus can repair a broken heart. I’m seeking help. And going to healing masses. With pray and worship. I told him I’m so thankful for you. Because of you I’m closer to Jesus, then I’ve very been. He didn’t like that.

      1. Kathleen,

        Goodness! 🙁 my heart breaks for you. 🙁

        You are not responsible for your husband’s sin!!!! And you cannot change him. Jesus can heal you, yes. Are you still with him? Has he repented? Is he willing to go to counseling?

        I am glad you are seeking help. The issues here are serious and I believe it is wise to seek godly help.
        I pray for you both, for God to heal you and your marriage and make something beautiful from this!!

        1. Peaceful wife,
          I know I’m not, try telling him that. At one point in my life he made me believe I was responsible, so I give him what ever he wants, sex is the first thing. He wanted me to serve him, I had no problem with that but the way he treated me. After all the mental abuse. At my weakest time I told him I’m nobody with you, I’ll do everything you want. I’m trash, that’s what he told me, then one day he through that in my face. I told him ” I’m not trash! I’m am somebody I’m a daughter of God. Jesus loves me. He said I’m a disobedient wife. That a wife has to submit to her husband. I said well a man has to listen to God first. Lol that was a great day. What man destroys Jesus repairs. I love you Jesus. One day at a time wit Jesus. Some times I get so inspired to write a book, but don’t want the attention. It would tear my family apart. I would like to encourage women with faith not to give up. It’s evil trying to destroy families. He attacks the weakest one.

          1. Kathleen,

            What did the counselor suggest you do?

            The enemy does attack everyone who seeks to live for Christ, that is very true.

            How is your walk with Christ going now?

          2. He first had us together. When he did he asked short, simple no details. After I composed myself I was direct as possible, hurt, but direct. When asked my husband he diverted the question and had to convince the councilor that his with the church council and what books he read. Then he said enough. He had mentioned to us that after we’d have one on one sessions. I was the first, he told my husband to go pray in the chapel. After my husband left, tears rolled down my eyes he got up and gave me a tissue and hugged me and said I’m sry. He of course suggested I read the bible and start with palms. He said they are so comforting. He knows I didn’t want to divorce. But recommended to go to their healing mass. Confession, also have someone to talk to. He said don’t keep anything in. Whether with a priest, friend. It’s been a year since this ordeal happened. The hard part isn’t forgiving, the hard part is dealing with the ideas he has, on a ever day bases. It impacts the whole family. A home is where we should feel safe.

          3. Yeah he did say he had a problem with porn and earlier in his childhood he started masterbating non stop. Unfortunaly, he said he went to church but didn’t know it was wrong. When we got married, that behavior spilled into ours. He made me do some sexual things that made me uncoftable and knew in my heart that it was wrong. Little did I know that was Jesus. There was no control, I told him to stop. And he thought I was cheating, becaused of those things I caught a serious illness. I was 17 yrs old. I was a virgin. I knew morally that it was wrong, he didn’t. He had a bad, bad, bad temper. He hide everything very we’ll. I’m doing better thank you Jesus. I pray for him everyday. Hoping he will have a true encounter. I believe the one he had wasn’t from God. When A person has been enlighten with Christ, or encounter. They cannot be in mortal sin. You can’t serve 2 masters.

          4. Kathleen,

            It almost sounds like a sex addiction kind of thing? 🙁 so heartbreaking that this began when he was very young. Porn and compulsive masturbation permanently alter neurons in the brain much like using illicit drugs can. http://Www.xxxchurch.com has help for sex addictions and porn addictions.

            I pray your husband can find healing in Christ and find the help he needs. I pray for you as well, to find a godly mentoring wife or Christian counselor who can help pray with you through this trial.

            I am so thankful you have Jesus. I pray you will draw nearer to Him and that He might girl you the wisdom, love, courage, strength and discernment you will need to know what God desires you to do.

            Much love to you! You are welcome here. 🙂

          5. Thank you so much peaceful wife! It’s a blessing just to talk about it. And of course the spiritual, emontional, and mental healing is so important. The mental abuse was so bad, that at one point, the ONLY reason keeping me from killing myself was Jesus Christ . He pulled me out of it. I am truly, truly, blessed that he loves me and has Great Plans for me. I know I’m loved by Christ.
            Ps. To everyone here, please know that the devil is a lier, and you will never be alone you have Jesus Christ as your savior. trust me he saved me! I love Jesus with all my heart and soul. Luv kat

          6. Yes! Big time, so bad that when we got married, he made me do some unthinkable things. I left so dirty. I felt so uncomfortable. Little did I know it was Jesus telling me that wrong. Our parish priest said in his homily, Jesus gave us a gift that gift is freedom, freedom to choose good or bad. I had always told him that, but he always said, your dumb hat do you know about the faith. Now I’m getting conformations that Jesus put in my heart. My heart was jumping for joy. With tears running down my face.

      2. Kathleen, I’m a guy and do not think for a second that your husbands behavior is normal. Your sister-in-law??? That’s messed up! They both need help big time! I think your husband needs to see a Christian counselor and you could probably benefit from the support too.

        1. yes Thank you, unfortunately he thinks his behavior is normal. One thing I have to say is when I was growing up, I was raised catholic, but we didn’t practice. But I truely believe what my family did goog for me was they put me in a catholic school. We went to mass every week, during lent we would do the stations of the cross. Being in the 3 or 4 the grade. I fell in love with Jesus. One station in particular really prepared me for what was to come. The sixth station when Veronica wiped the face of Jesus. I believe if I didn’t encounter that love. Seeing what my husband did before/after his conversation. It just made my faith stronger then before. I told him one day with that I’m thankful for him. He said why I told him because of you my faith in Jesus is so strong. That I can love you, serve you, forgive you for what you’ve done. Of course the enemy tried to throw dust. Now when the enemy tells me God hates sinners, I claimly tell him god loves sinners, Jesus died for us. I won’t accept lies. Also I’m thankful my husband isn’t in the teaching possession, he would of scandalized people.

        2. Sry, Jriani I didn’t see your name. Ps yes we went to a Christian counselor, but he denied everything. At that time I was so hurt, emontionally, that I looked like I was the problem. I was mad. But thank fully the counselor saw through that.

      3. My husband just to abuse me fiscal but I learn to come down our discussions, thinks now change but is difficult to recover the love, trust, etc. Needed to a healthy relationship. my parents both come from families where women were abuse fiscal, my father think to change he did the same to mom, my father and husband are Cristian.

        My opinion love Jesus but respect yourself infidelity is a cause of divorce. For many years I hate my mom for let my father abuse her. I am sure your husband get fiscal con the kids I hope not.

        I talk to my husband about I want a mentally health kids who respect themselves, and have moral values.

        But for me the idea of have sex with a man who abuse me fiscal, is difficult the days I am about to have it he start complaints about the fact we do not have sex so I get mad and so on .

        I will like to see my husband attractive and feel desire toward him and do not see his defects. oh Jehovah forget me.

        I see some much love from women who are in more difficulties and I still feel heat and I can not forget.

        1. Mom,

          I am so sorry to hear about all of the physical abuse in your family and even in your marriage. If there is abuse going on, a wife may have to leave with her children and be sure they are safe – she will need special help in that situation.

          How long ago was the physical abuse?

          Can you both get some godly counseling? Do you have a pastor who teaches the Bible somewhere nearby you could talk to? Or a godly mentoring wife?

          What is your relationship with Christ?

          What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

          I wish I could give you a big hug!

      4. Boy, can I relate to this Kathleen!! My husband hasn’t abused my physically but he only pays attention to me when he wants sex…afterwards im a nobody!! Gets old!! Plus, it seems he lusts after other women, then comes to me!
        Somethings wrong with this picture!

        1. Kandi,

          Goodness, such a painful situation! 🙁 I am so sorry to hear this!

          Would you be interested in talking a bit more about what is going on with me? I pray for you both to find healing in Christ.

          Much love!!

  2. I think some of you facts about oxytocin are not based in science and have been overly simplified. Here is a good article that discusses oxytocin (http://www.livescience.com/12833-love-hormone-oxytocin-dark-side.html). You have to be careful about citing research from dated studies. Also, many scientific studies are peppered with personal opinion sold as as “science fact.” The spiritual connection has to do with a different area of the brain entirely. I would encourage you to read the book “How God Changes Your Brain.” It is written by a neuroscientist.

    In either case I would say to the wife that groping would probably make me uncomfortable too. I would never grope my wife. Now, I would put every effort into seducing her to the point she leaps at me like a tiger does at its prey. Men and women have more erogenous zones that just the obvious. The back of a woman’s neck, behind her ear, and her feet (weird I know) are all sensitive zones. Consequently, you can’t really “grope” these areas. I would suggest to your husband that you want him to know your every sensitive spot to see if he can handle all your powerful feminine energy. If that doesn’t make him stop and think….post back.

    1. I’m sorry. I don’t usually respond but having friends that are cognitive specialist and doctors within my circle, this simply just seems argumentative for argument sake.

      Even the article doesn’t debunk that oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone and that it is released after orgasm in men. Men work differently. It’s just that simple. It’s a great balance that requires men and women in a healthy marriages to work to meet the other’s needs. I’ve also read studies by hormone specialist and others who work in neuroscience that disagree with you. It’s also advantageous to ask yourself why you needed to argue this one point that has been proven to be true in recent studies? It doesn’t change the fact that April ‘s point was that men and women relate differently in sex.

      While I commend your sensitivity towards your wife, I will say that I admire and respect my husband’s sexuality and he has full reign to touch me, grope me and express himself any way he wants. I don’t consider it disrespectful but a way of my husband expressing his desire for me. I also believe the bible when he says my body is his. He treats it well and I trust him so I see no use in giving him any kind of boundaries except to insert control over something that no longer exclusively belongs to me.

      Few women out there support and encourage women to respect men the way April does. Nitpicking based on a potentially false opinion that has no merit in a message like this seems foolish.

      1. The oxytocin info I quoted was from Dr. Walt Larimore M.D. in “His Brain, Her Brain” – I believe.

        But yes – the main point is how different we are biochemically, physically, emotionally and to some degree even spiritually and how we can stretch to learn to meet our spouses’ different needs and grow outside of our own perspective. That is what helps to make us learn to be holy!

        Thanks, Jennifer!

    2. I will have to look at the article! That sounds very interesting. I believe I was quoting from His Brain, Her Brain by Dr. Walt Larimore, MD. Not sure what the year is on that book.

      Thank you for your insights!

      And thank you for encouraging men to be more gentle and suave. I appreciate it, Joseph!

      1. Often times it isn’t the person reading the study who skews the study, rather it is the person who writes the study. There is a book called “How to Lie With Statistics.” It is a short and good read.

    3. @Joseph Riani,

      Thank you for the word seducing. I’ve been married for 12 years,in the beginning my husband would woo me,take me to dinner, I could feel his desire for me, granted that the beginning of relationships are always thrilling, but now, he initiates sex by grouping, or asking in an explicit way,and expect me to turn on like a switch. I would be 40 yrs old tomorrow, I do feel my sex drive has decrease, not because of an illness ( I think), but, I feel that he doesn’t feel he have to seduce me,or work for sex. I think I need more…candlelight dinner, something!!! But he said, I shouldn’t have to do all of that every time he wants sex. When I know he wants sex, I get irritated before he even ask, because he feels I should automatically be ready when he is. You frustrated husbands, what are you doing to get the mood right? PeacefulWife, i appreciate this website,and yor views are vey helpful….I really need to know am I wrong for feeling the need for more before sex, I love my husband, he’s a god fearing man, and a great father, but doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body.

      1. Liz,

        I don’t think a lot of men understand all that is involved in how a woman prepares to be ready for sex. I think the best description I have heard is that a wife is like a “slow cooker” and a husband is like a “microwave.” Most women do much better if there is affection, some level of emotional/spiritual connection and a slow build toward sex. Most women cannot just suddenly “be ready.” We aren’t biologically designed to be able to do that in most cases – unless we have been “simmering” all day with anticipation. Some couples flirt with each other throughout the day to help build that desire for the wife.

        It is not wrong that you feel like you can’t immediately be ready for sex on the spot. But there are things that you can do to ask for what you need in a way that builds him up and doesn’t make him feel like a failure and there are things you can do to help yourself be ready more often or more quickly.

        There are many books that can be helpful about this issue. Do you think your husband would be willing to consider reading something about that?

        When you ask for things from him, how do you ask?

        When he begins to grope you or asks very explicitly (keep in mind those are things that would turn HIM on – so that may be a good approach when you are initiating intimacy with him), what about responding like this:

        – Ooh! That sounds like a great idea… I would love to have sex with you. How about we take a bath first/give each other massages first/put on some romantic music/light some candles… I want to be able to really focus, relax and be completely into you. I want to enjoy every moment.
        – You know what would really turn me on? If you would start at my feet and very slowly touch me and move toward… (and then describe whatever would work best for you)
        – I love that you desire me, Honey! I am so excited that you want me like this. Would you please talk to me and tell me some of the things that attract you to me/some of the reasons why you love me/what you enjoy most about having sex with me while you have your hands all over me?

        You can share how sexy it is when you get to have a romantic dinner together, or when he prays with you.

        You can share some things that he could do throughout the day that would help you begin to simmer and anticipate intimacy with him.

        Praying for wisdom for you!

        1. Thank you very much for wishing me a happy birthday! I hope this decade be as great for me as it is for you. At first I was having anxieties, feeling that I might lack… i guess, youthful appearances, but I decided, (God willing) this will be an awesome decade , my goal is to get healthy and fit as I’ve ever been. Also, your tips were very helpful, instead of pulling away, i would try your suggestions, find ways to help our mood. Actually, I was pleasantly surprised on my birthday, my husband was very romantic, he had the whole day planned from morning breakfast to evening dinner, it was a perfect day with him and my kids. Thanks again for your help! It’s nice to hear christian views, giving helpful tips and opinions.

          1. Liz,
            I hope you will write down all that your husband did for you so you can cherish it and remember how thoughtful he was. WOW! That is amazing!

            And I love your attitude toward this new decade. That is wonderful. 🙂

            I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you, your husband, your marriage and your family! 🙂

          2. Hello, you’re not going to believe what I’m about to announce..I can’t believe it. Just this past weekend I found I was pregnant. So weird, I know are a blessing, but I was really shocked to see the results of the pregnancy test. Please continue to pray my strength in the Lord. I need him like never before. Wow, pregnant at 40!!! Happy Birthday to me!!

          3. Liz,

            WOW! Happy birthday to you! Praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby and for a healthy marriage! 🙂 And most of all, I am praying for God’s greatest glory in your life.

    1. Stephanie, feminist society tells you this is disrespectful. The Bible (specifically Song of Solomon) would disagree. Your husband was created a sexual being. He was created to express himself sexually just like we are created to express ourselves sexually. Judging so harshly his natural expression will (if not already) force him to deny a part of who he is and rob him of security of expression in your marriage.

      I’ve been there but understanding that my husband really does want my body to express his deep, manly (because he’s a man) affection for me has changed me and our marriage.

      What society is asking us to do by defining this as disrespect is to force men to communicate sexually as women. Then we turn around and tell them to man up in areas where we want them to be men.

      1. I believe that Jesus ordained husbands to love their wives as Christ love the church, he gave his life. And Jesus is love, filled with compassion, and a man is made in Gods image. If he’s like Christ, then he’s going to comprise his sexuality and put his wife’s feelings first. There are some women, would rather a more romantic and gentle approach for sex, if my body is his, then he should know what I need before sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, I’m not a feminist, just want romance.

        1. Liz,

          It’s totally fine and normal for a wife to want romance. In my mind, the key is that I don’t make my wants and desires more important to me than God or my husband or my marriage covenant. I hope that makes sense. I know that I did that a lot in the past. A post that may help explain what I am saying is this one.

          And I completely agree, you are describing what a godly husband should be like and what God commands husbands to do. Yes. I agree 100%!

          It is totally fine to ask for what you want and need. A godly wife can absolutely do that! And a godly wife can also learn to respond graciously to her husband even if he doesn’t perfectly approach her, learning to understand how he thinks and what he needs, as well.

          For me, if I focus on what I want and need for very long, I can quickly fall into sinful thinking.

          I personally do best when I focus on God’s will, His glory, what He desires me to do and how I can bless my husband. So, those are the things I try to focus on here.

          There are MANY, MANY ways husbands could improve and could love us better. Yep.

          But the only person we control is us. So, that is why I focus on what wives can do here, not what husbands should do. It would be awesome if your husband were more concerned about your feelings and desires and needs regarding sex. You can gently, respectfully share what you like and need. But you cannot change him. So, what I talk about here are the things you can focus on even if he doesn’t change and on how we can become the wives and women God desires us to be regardless of what our husbands do or do not do.

          You might enjoy some of the posts at the top of my home page. They are a great place to start.

          Much love to you! Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you both. 🙂

        2. PS Liz,

          Let me clarify where I am coming from a bit…

          I spent many years demanding that Greg be “more loving, more Christlike, a better leader, more attentive, more affectionate, more romantic, more lots of things…” And I almost destroyed my marriage. Not because what I wanted was wrong. But because, in my case, my approach was disrespectful and controlling. And, in my case, my priorities were not in proper order in my soul.

          My husband heard, “You are a failure as a man, as a Christian and as a husband. I don’t respect you one bit.”

          That wasn’t what I was trying to tell him, but that is what he heard. This caused him to shut down and withdraw from me and from God. That is NOT a road I want to see anyone else travel! It was very painful for both of us.

          So, I definitely understand that you have legitimate needs sexually. I am a woman, too! I know that we can’t just be “instantly on.” My hope is to gently lay some powerful tools before you that will help you get what you want but at the same time, will give your husband what he needs so that it is a win/win. 🙂

          What exactly do you believe you need your husband to do for you so that you would feel like he was “romantic”?

          1. Hi again Peacefulwife,

            I appreciate your godly wisdom. I definitely don’t want trouble in our marriage.He’s the only man I’ve ever been with, and I want to keep it that way. You’re right I was thinking too much about satisfying myself, you open my eyes to that I would love for my husband to be more romantic, but I don’t want him to feel like I don’t desire him. After reading your comment, I made it my business to discuss with him some of the reasons why sometimes, I’m not in the mood. It was very successful, we made a promise to do things together to get the mood right. To answer your question…I mainly want pillow talk, maybe play soft music before, I would love to have date nights. Just an effort !!

          2. Liz,

            WOOHOO!
            I am so glad that you talked with him about that in a respectful way. And that you want to make this marriage work. That makes my day!

            Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂

            How did your husband respond?

            Much love,
            April

          3. Yes, we had good long talk, and he really listened, and participated in our confirmation. We’re still working on it, and we are determined to find common grounds. He did upset me because he said sometimes sex is about him, and I told that was a very selfish thought, as he’s not the only one in this marriage, I understand lustful desires, but I feel he should think of sex as a moment for us to get closer and a way we express our love. He said he doesn’t mean to be selfish, but that’s how he feels about sex. After a while he thought about it, and said, well it is a way I show my love for you! LOL…Please keeps us in your prayers.

          4. Liz,

            That discussion makes me laugh so hard! Maybe he has discovered a really important truth about sex. 🙂

            Praying for God’s glory and His wisdom and healing for you both!

          5. Hello, I wanted to share this information to you and your readers. My last post was regarding my husband and I sexual intimacy. Well ironically, a few days after my 40th birthday I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, and less than a week later I found out I was carrying TWINS, so you could imagine the anxiety I was feeling, I literally cried, but immediately fell in love with being pregnant again and having twins. However, another week passed and I had a miscarriage I was very devastated, I felt myself going into depression, but with prayer I made it through, still sad, but I’m ok. I know God’s will was done. My husband was great through the whole episode. It kind of bothered me that he attitude was like oh well, what would be would be. I’ve. One to realize men are different, they have betray strength, although I know he was sad, but he was trying to be strong for me.

            That’s was a big birthday surprise!!! Beginning my 40th with a bang.

          6. Liz,
            Wow, thanks for the update. What a roller coaster! I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your twins. You are the second reader to share this same situation wtih me within just a few weeks. I am so glad to hear that you are allowing your husband to grieve differently from you, and that you see he wants to be strong for you. I am glad that y’all are doing well together. That is such a blessing. I am praying for you today!!! Sending you a huge hug!

    2. Stephanie,
      This is a big issue in so many marriages! I pray that maybe God might give you new eyes to see your husband in a way that helps you be able to move towards him – and that God might also help your husband be able to approach you more gently. Thank you for sharing – MANY, MANY wives feel this same way. You are certainly not alone!

      Much love to you!

      1. It’s an interesting thread to read! I think there should be some clarification on “groping”. To me, it’s not done in the bedroom. That is regular, healthy intimacy. Groping is when you are fully dressed, going about your day, just random, often in public and it’s RUDE. period.

        1. Stephanie,

          What a great point! We didn’t define groping. But you are right – especially in public and in front of other people – that would be REALLY embarrassing to most women and quite a turn off. Hopefully we can kindly ask our men to limit the PDA to hand holding – and then enjoy each other in private. Thanks. Stephanie! 🙂

    3. Stephanie –

      I’ve been exactly where you are. Still go there occasionally. I think the piece that may be missing in this story is a simple question – what effort was the husband putting in to make sure that he was not JUST groping her? Was he making an effort to appreciate all of her – mind, soul, talents, etc. – or was he only showing appreciation for her body? Been there, done that and it hurts.

      I am a stereotypical female in that I need connection – emotional, mental, verbal connection. I can choose – and have chosen – to meet my husband’s needs for sex without any connection but I often (almost always!) end up feeling very much like a piece of meat. Like I’ve been used and tossed aside. ESPECIALLY if he has made no effort to connect with me in any other way.

      I am taking baby steps away from this attitude though. Teeny, tiny, am-I-really-even-moving, baby steps. Ironically, hubby’s behavior has nothing to do with it. I am learning – through an e-course study I have been blessed to be a part of – how to be a Respectful Wife and allow God to meet my needs. Are there still times I feel like hubby just wants to use me to meet his needs? Yep. But I immediately take it to my Abba and ask him to help me walk through it. Our mean don’t mean to demean us when they grope or use crude language. They honestly think they are telling us that they value us. Unfortunately, that can sometimes mistakenly communicate that our sexual parts are the ONLY thing they value. We can’t change their behaviors. But we can choose to see them as good-hearted men who occasionally get it wrong!

  3. Incredible response to this! A husband willing to express himself like that is a good indicator that he feels safe enough with his wife to be all that God created him to be as a man.

    I’ve seen this addressed really poorly and I’m so glad to find a respected, influential woman who encourages women to let their men be men.

    1. Thanks, Jennifer!

      I am giving it my best shot. I know there is not a blanket answer and there can be some situations that would be much more involved and difficult. But the thing I found most lacking in Christian books for wives about marriage were the practical examples of how to handle difficult situations with respect.

      If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them, too!

  4. There are some great suggestions here. I think it is wrong to call groping disrespectful across the board, and it is wise to take each husband intent for what it is. A loving husband will happily receive suggestions, especially if he can stop doing something that discourages drive, and do something else that works better. Also, have patience, if you have accepted these things a long time, your hisband might have a habit to break, and might forget sometimes.
    Each person expresses affectiona little differently.

    1. It is hard for wives to feel like they are being groped. But I agree – that sometimes we miss our husbands’ hearts because they approach things VERY differently from the way we do. I do think that we can offer our husbands more hope and understanding and maybe gently ask for things that might work better. Thanks, Rebekah!

  5. Excellent dialogue, and I enjoyed reading the comments as much as the blog. April, thank you for handling a difficult subject with such grace.

    1. Lynne,
      Thanks for the comment! This is a tough topic – with so much pain on both sides of the marriage relationship.

      I am hoping to use some of the comments in a future post – there are some really great ideas here!

  6. They say a person’s true nature manifests itself when making love or when driving a car. – If husband and wife truly love each other, they will find those expressions of sexual passion that are mutually acceptable and desireable and that are within the moral perimeters of their religious beliefs. You have to speak up, especially if there is some difference in your cultural backgrounds.

    1. Josephine,

      Great point!

      I think many women don’t say what they want or need – or maybe sometimes we do say it but possibly in a harsh way. I would love to see us learn to communicate about what we want and need gently and also to listen to what our husbands want and need, too.

      Thank you!

      1. A little while back I wrote a list in the notebook in my husbands iPhone. It was a list of things I think is romantic. A year back I wrote a similar list but then I just listed activities and things I wished for. He did some of them and that was great but this time I focused more on everything that I find romantic and what makes me feel loved. I wrote things like “when you carry heavy things (for me)”, “when you act protective and loving towards the kids”, “when you touch me in a caring and protective way”, “flowers”, “taking me to the cinema”, “when you dance for me”…

        This was such a great thing! (It took me many years to understand but my husband really loves lists, even when I write him to-do-lists… I’m always wondering if it’s disrespectful but he always responds very positively. I guess he likes when his actions gets clear results and that I can notice easily what he’s doing!) Anyway… I’ve tried to explain to him for all our marriage that it means so much to me when he touches me caringly and protectively but I think I haven’t expressed myself too good before. Now I found those two words and he understands! =) And also, if he’s understood it before he’s forgotten it soon anyway. Now he gets reminded now and then when he checks the list and I have really enjoyed how he’s touched me the last month or more since I wrote the list. If he’s got my point before it has only lasted for a day or so… 🙂 🙂

        1. If your husband loves lists – it is NOT disrespectful! If you are not dictating to him, but just giving him the opportunity to be your hero – and you don’t resent him if he doesn’t do those things – then I say, “WRITE LISTS for him!” 🙂

          Please let me quote you in a post! I think that idea may work for some other marriages, too. 🙂

  7. Sometimes I feel that my husband approaches me crude or “immature”. But then I try to focus on that this signalizes that he’s feeling well and unlimited. My husband has been depressed sometimes and then he don’t do that, and I want him to be happy. Sometimes he dances for me in a fun way with a sexual twist. I don’t think I would like that some years back but now I truly rejoice. I can see that he’s feeling happy and free – he’s letting it all out, showing me his emotions without fear and without having to regulate how he wants to approach me. I want to give him that gift – that he can just be himself around me, trusting that I love him always.

    1. Theresia,
      Aww! What a beautiful attitude you have developed. I love that you can see through his approach to his heart and that it means he deeply loves you and feels free to be himself. That is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing!

  8. I read the post and I really felt so nice and amazed the way you think/do to deal with such a delicate and an important matter of any relation.

    I highly appreciate the way you understand a Man’s heart and MentalityPsychology. And that even in a positive way.

    I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but

    The way you have suggested to wives/females to deal with their husbands/partners on their unusual demands or valid demands on wrong time or in bad mood are really really appreciable.
    I think whatever you have suggested here if any wife/female understand and applies it in her life she won’t only be able to deal the scenario/situation successfully and gracefully but she will certainly win the more love, more trust and more heart of her husband/partner.

    She will definitely be a true partner and a Better half. A true lady who has been leading the Relations, Lives, Families, Society and the world…. 🙂

    Thanks… By the way I am a bachelor yet 😉

  9. In connection to my previous comment “I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but”
    I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but actually it’s an uncontrollable, unintentionally, circumstantially “Ejaculation of Emotions”. Sometimes it is a result or product of frustration, Sometimes Overwhelmed by love, Sometimes over happiness, Sometimes tiredness. Sometimes discrepancy, Sometimes fear and list can go on…
    So the bottom line is that it’s not at all a deliberately created situation or habit. You just need to observe n figure out why,when,how this happened.

    Why I got amazed is the way you have described the things with a man’s perspective. Because being a partner it’s a moral responsibility to handle a partner regardless of gender. I could connect myself in the suggestions made to wives to deal an unusual demand or action of male partner. I’ll certainly feel much calm, cool, love, affectionate and peace if my to be partner respond in any of above way to my such an unusual sexual demand or act (Ejaculation of Emotions).

    In My religion(Hindu) it’s a “Dharma” – one of the Supreme Duties to Protect, understand and support our partner in bad and good and in any situation till last breath.

    I think you are a very good wife who understands a man’s psychology plus who can see so deep in man’s heart and having such an excellent understandings.
    In any couple partner t it is essential to know his/her partner’s heart and psychology, Not just to know but also understands each other and act accordingly.

    Thank you Peaceful Wife 🙂

    1. Thanks, Mrugrajj,

      You are welcome here.

      I like the concept of Dharma. That is beautiful.

      Any wisdom I have is from God. He has taught me these amazing truths and I pray He might use me to shine for Him so others can find a relationship with Him and find His path to true joy, peace and abundant life. 🙂

  10. Ok, I have read almost everything here. I want to point out that when you (a wife – and I mean me) have asked your husband (meaning my husband) to not do (XYZ) while I’m trying to (ABC) or in front of the children (because I do not want them to think it is appropriate behavior in “public”).

    What I prefer is to be talked to about sex, touched in our bedroom (yes even groped in the bedroom), etc. In company, I prefer to be kissed, hugged with affection (not the will to feel my breasts pushed against his body), etc. I am more than happy to oblige sexual advances when I haven’t had my breasts “tweaked” throughout the day. Especially since I have breastfed our children. I also don’t want every word of rebuttal in relationship to my conversation to be a sexual innuendo.

    I want to be a submissive wife, but I also think that this is not Christian behavior. Is this how Christ loved the church? By being disrespectful? Did Christ grope the church (either the verb or noun definition of the word grope)? I don’t think so.

    I found this page because I was looking for answers to a problem I have, and apparently, other women do too. I’m sad to see women attacking each other. I do submit to my husband’s sexual desires, even at the sake of my own feelings and wants and needs. Even if we did have sex several times a day, the groping would continue (because we have done this before).

    1. Groped Out,

      I can certainly appreciate your desire to keep many things in the bedroom and private – not in front of the children or in public. That doesn’t sound like an unreasonable request.

      What does your husband say when you ask him politely to save certain things for your private time?

      How often is this happening? How old are your children?

      I am assuming you are both believers in Christ?

      What were things like before marriage and in the beginning of your marriage?

      It’s wonderful to meet you! I hope we can hash through this and try to find an agreeable solution and compromise for you in this situation so that you both will feel respected.

      1. Peaceful Wife,

        Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

        In answer to your questions :
        – my husband listens, but he does not follow through on his claims,
        – this happens several times a day (he currently is out of work and has been for over a year),
        – we have 3 children, a 2 yr old boy, a 6 yr old boy, and a 12 year old girl,
        – we are both believers in Christ, though I feel we are unequally yoked (though this was not the case prior to marriage); I have grown in my faith so much in the past year and my husband doesn’t even open his Bible or he falls asleep during Sunday school and church,
        – things have changed greatly since we got married; since we have been together he has had an emotional affair on 3 occassions with his ex-fiancee even professing love to her and exchanging pictures with her.

        I am praying that God will help my husband become the head of our household, our spiritual leader. I am also praying that God will work on me to be a submissive wife.

        I feel that in some instances that some husbands do only flirt or grope or give compliments in order to get what they want sexually and I do believe this is due to sexual sin.. perhaps generational curses too. I feel this is part of my husband’s problem and that he believes (while he may not say it) that he can do whatever he wants and does not have to worry about the consequences. The reason I say that is due to his actions on sinful things and his inaction on rightful things.

        I feel doomed in this relationship because I (due to my own feelings) feel that my husbands affairs with this woman is really what he wants. He even defended her when I sent an email to her emploring her to leave us alone and she repliied in a very ugly manner. She is also married and a “Christian.” I guess that is part of the reason I feel that being groped by my husband is just for sex.

        I feel I am rambling on… I apologize for that. I really do want to be a peaceful, loving, and submissive wife. I have been before… what now?

        By the way, I am sorry for the husbands whose wives do not have sex with you for whatever the reason may be. I do feel that sometimes there may be an underlying health problem that perhaps a person may be in denial about or embarrassed about.

        Blessings to all,
        Heather

        1. Groped Out,

          I wrote a long response to you – but realized I was so exhausted – it may not have made any sense!

          So … things are still basically the same with the groping?

          Have you found any ways you can respond in a positive, receptive way to him when you are alone?

          My prayer is that when you begin to feel doomed, you may be able to look to Christ in faith and depend on Him to work in your heart and your husband’s heart for His glory.

          How long ago was the emotional affair stuff?

          What do you respect about your husband lately?

          Sending you a HUGE HUG, my precious sister!!!!!!! 🙂

  11. What if you really feel like a lot of his desires are selfish? My husband is not a christian. We’ve been married 14 years and recently, our relationnship has been really struggling. He’s been very unkind and has been verbally abusive and then turns around and wants sex like nothing’s happened. It has made me resent him and sex. I am so emotionally detached from him right now. At the same time that this is going on he is wanting to have sex more and wanting to have sex when I least enjoy it(morning). I’ve always told him when he does things sexually that I don’t like and he’s been trying to do those things now because HE enjoys them. My interpretation of all of this is that I AM just a piece of meat and my body is here for whatever and whenever he wants. We have recently started marriage counseling and he started going to church with me. The counseling started getting personal and he refuses to go back and to church. He knows he’s been out of line and is working on his anger but its hard to erase all that and flip a switch. I don’t know how to emotionally connect with him now. Prayers and advice please.

    1. Anonymous3

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      I have good news and bad news.

      The good news is that your husband was starting to come to church with you!!!! THAT deserved a lot of your praise and admiration.

      The bad news is – if he is not a believer in Christ, it is going to all fall on you to be the godly example. You cannot expect him to act like Jesus because he is spiritually dead. I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s assignment for you – being silent about spiritual things and God and church, and showing him your faith by your respect and joyful attitude in your faith in Christ. ANd having so much faith in our sovereign God that you don’t freak out when things don’t go your way, but you have a gentle and peaceful spirit because all your faith and trust is in Jesus alone.

      You can ask for what you want. YOu can say, “I really want to have sex with you, too. It would help me be into it if we could have some time to talk and emotionally connect for 15 minutes/day.”

      or, “I want to be able to joyfully give myself to you. But I am hurting from what you said about X.” Then he can decide if he wants to apologize and make up emotionally so that you can be ready for sex.

      Morning is tough for a lot of women, we are not awake and it is hard for us to get going right away. That is the time men have the highest levels of testosterone, usually. So if you can try to be into it – that is a huge gift and SEX IS a HUGE way that your husband emotionally connects with you.

      Check out this post
      about how much more effective we are if we don’t use a lot of words about spiritual things.

      And check out some of these posts about men and emotions. Over and over husbands have written to me that sex = emotional connection for them. And when they feel rejected, they feel completely rejected as men, not just sexually rejected. (There are about 5 posts on men and emotions around that same week you may want to read them all.)

      YOu have a HUGE HUGE amount of power here. When he is unkind and hateful towards you verbally.

      Say simply, “That hurts.” “Ouch.”
      Or move away and stay physically away until he apologizes.
      When he approaches you for sex, say, “I’m still upset.” just those few words should be enough for him to realize that he owes you an apology.

      Use that time if you do move away from him for awhile to pray for him and ask God how you can bless him. Read Romans 12!!! That is God’s instructions to you in a situation like this.

      Be sure you are not clinging to resentment, bitterness and anger. That is sin. YOu won’t have God’s power working in you if you are cherishing sin in your heart. Believe me, I learned that the hard way!

      Check out my brother’s post “When My Spouse is Wrong”

      PRAISE HIM and tell him the things you do admire about him.

      Apply Philippians 4:8 to your marriage and husband. Concentrate on the good things.

      Be sure not to look down on him spiritually, we are all on equal footing at the cross.

      Check out some of the comments on this post about feeling like a piece of meat by the men. Some are VERY helpful!

      Let me know if you want to talk more! I’m here. 🙂

  12. Great article. By and large, masculine romantic love is jealous and expressed sexually. God doesn’t have a problem with this, since He designed men thus (and even speaks of Himself as a jealous Husband, who desires His wife — and also describes the worship of false gods and idols as sexual unfaithfulness). …Unfortunately, modern society, having been reprogrammed by years of feminist agit-prop, does have a problem with the way God made men.

    And sadly feminist thinking is now endemic in the churches, too (hence the lamentable and unbiblical treatment of the commenter above by a “Christian counsellor”). There is so much misinformation and bad advice in Christian circles about men, women, sex and marriage, that a site like this is much needed. I wish you all the best with it.

    God bless.

    1. Single Christian,
      Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your description of God’s love for His people – and the way God describes idolatry as adultery. There is some VIVID language in the old testament about that.

      Yes- feminism (which, at its core, is heresy – insisting there is no God, or God is a woman, and the Bible has no authority, and seeks to undermine all God-given authority), has poisoned our entire culture and churches to the point that marriage, femininity, masculinity, family, parenting, womanhood and manhood have been completely redefined to our great detriment.

      It is my prayer that God might use me and others to tear down the lies of our culture in the church and to rebuild these crucial concepts on the truth of God’s Word alone – and that God might restore us as believers to right relationship with Him and to right relationship to one another for His great glory and praise.

      I have a site for single women, too – you are welcome to check it out. http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com

  13. I think it really boils down to understanding the man’s motive, and not projecting some other motive onto their actions. He wants you, he wants to claim you physically as his mate, he wants to make you writhe in pleasure, you are not a ‘piece of meat’, you are the desire of his heart and that is how it should be.

  14. Sounds like some husbands need to read 1 Corinthians 13:5. Love is not supposed to be rude. If groping feels rude to a wfe then he should change it. Just a simple thing 🙂

  15. There was a comment earlier on, and I’m not sure who wrote it, but it says that women are not happy with the way God created men….
    Actually, I love the way God created man….but you can just play the “God created me to be loved this way” and then forget about everything else He created man to be.
    The Bible clearly emphasizes the natural order of things in marriage and family as we fall under the headship of Christ.
    Ephesians clearly states that the love a husband shows his wife will determine her reaction to him and to Christ. He has the power to cleanse her “thru the washing” of the word…oh, but that’s not as much fun as sex now, is it!!!
    The passage actually says that the man who loves his wife loves himself.
    So, what do we make of this….we try and manipulate our men because they need to experience acceptance before they can do what God has called them to do? WHAT?????
    Listen, God has definitely worked on me in recent years, convicting me of so many sins towards my husband. I have confessed and asked for forgiveness…..but I have to say that for all the many years that I gave my husband my body, believing with all my heart that the scriptures called me to do this on demand because “he needs it” and is entitled to it, there was always something missing. Some higher spiritual connection that was never achieved – but a sense of being used was overwhelming.
    So, we can choose to keep living a mediocre marriage, where you give, he takes because the scripture “says so” (and I put that in quotes, because that’s not actually what scripture says!), just to get by, or you can let the floor fall out, and stop trying to manipulate our husbands to love the way Christ calls them to and start addressing the sin behind the attitudes.
    When my husband is embittered and walks around in his own little bitter world because he hasn’t “had any”, snapping at me, looking for the worst in me and pointing it out, barking at the kids, that’s when you know that he has made sex and idol. It’s idolatry. plain and simple.
    And when I react to that by being disrespectful to him – that’s also idolatry, ’cause I’ve placed his attitude towards me as something that determines whether or not I do what the word of God tells me to do.
    You know, I always tell my kids that being tired is not an excuse for being unkind or grumpy, or whatever….well, the same goes for sex. Not getting any is no excuse for not doing what the Lord has called us to do in our marriages. And not getting the love we long for from our husbands is not an excuse to be disrespectful or unloving…..but nowhere in scripture is LOVE defined as anything but what 1 Corinthians 13 says about it. I don’t see sex in there.

    If you read thru the scriptures on marital, sexual intimacy, there is an order to how things are done. Let’s not put the “science” of it ahead of what God says in his word about it.
    God held Adam accountable for Eve’s sin. Eve was also held accountable, but Adam was doubly accountable. That means that He was responsible for where she was at in her spiritual growth. How many men that say they need sex in order to love their wives also consider themselves responsible for their wives spiritual nourishment.
    seems to me we pick and choose what we like, don’t we!

    1. Carol,

      It’s wonderful to hear from you!

      What I see in Ephesians 5 is that God’s commands to husbands and God’s commands to wives are not dependent upon each other. It is not, “Wives must respect and submit to your husbands IF your husband deserves it or is loving you as you believe he should.” And it is not “Husbands must love your wives if your wives are respecting you and honoring your leadership.” It is also not, “Wives must make your husbands love you” or “Husbands must force your wives to respect you” – thankfully.

      God holds us accountable for obeying the commands He gives to us as wives. I don’t address husbands in my blog – I only write for women. To be sure, they have many more responsibilities than wives do. I completely agree.

      In the passage in I Corinthians 7, Paul tells husbands and wives not to withhold themselves sexually from each other because of sexual immorality and to help each spouse avoid temptation.

      What I would like to see wives do is to extend grace to our husbands. When we focus on what God commands us to do – that is our power! Yes, there can be times we must gently, respectfully, carefully confront sin in our husbands, especially if they are believers in Christ.

      But there are also MANY, MANY times that our obedience and faithfulness to God and our approaching our husbands with the power of God’s Spirit will minister to our husbands in ways that nothing else ever could.

      Each person will stand accountable to God for what we have thought, said and done. God counts what I do for my husband as if I am doing it for Him. My respect or disrespect, my grace or lack of grace, my honoring my husband’s leadership or usurping it, my repaying good for evil and extending mercy – God desires me to obey Him no matter what my husband is or is not doing. I want to be found faithful in God’s eyes and to please my Lord – that He might say to me, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” – not by any goodness in my own hart – for there is none – but by the power of God’s Spirit flowing through me.

      1. kudos. I want the same.
        Did you notice that I said that in my post? God has taken me to task on what I say I want to do and what I actually do….I have spent some time confessing and repentant both with God and my husband…..not to manipulate him to change his ways with me, but because God is refining me and creating a pure heart. To be quite honest, I have found deep joy in the Lord and he has been my strength and encouragement in being a loving wife as defined by 1 corths….nope, I’m not perfect and every now and then I do get my feathers ruffled…..when I wrote the first post, I was having one of those nights.
        But I think sometimes we assume that doing everything God calls us to means that every piece of the puzzle will fall into place and life will be on it’s way to being wonderful.
        That’s a fallacy. If you build your house on the rock, the storm is sure to come. The Rock will be your firm foundation and security, but you may have to sit, exposed to the storm and the elements for a very, very, long time…..maybe even until Jesus takes you home.
        Our north American Christian culture, has inadvertently supported the idea that if you build your house on the rock, the storms won’t come……so we think that if we do everything right, then the stars will line up, and that’s just not biblical. I cannot control the way my husband lives out his walk with the Lord. I can encourage, love and be what God calls me to be, but I need to realize that no matter how respectful I am of him, he may never change.
        That’s when having a firm foundation on Christ is so important.
        I will continue to strive to be everything God wants me to be and calls me to be. Not so I can manipulate how my husband reacts to me, but so that my Father can say, that “yeah, that was well done, my faithful and good servant!”

        1. Carol,
          Amen! Amen! 🙂

          You are absolutely right. The storms will come. Your husband may never change. The question is – will we still seek to be faithful and obedient to Christ, knowing He will reward us in heaven?

          I’m so glad that you are seeking Him no matter what results you are seeing at the moment here, and no matter what your circumstances.

          May God richly bless your walk with Him. 🙂

    2. Carol you sound a little bitter yourself there. How was Adam held doubly responsible? From the sounds of it, Eve got dealt the more severe punishment. Or maybe being made Eve’s “master” Adam’s punishment was worse. I don’t know, but to be quite honest they both got it pretty bad. I don’t think I would go around saying one has it worse than the other. If Adam was responsible for Eve spirit then I don’t think God would have punished her for Adam’s failure. Sin is a free will choice to reject God. It is not an ignorant decision.

      1. Joseph,

        Adam and Eve both did get punished – both were held accountable for sin. And we are all still experiencing that punishment today. God did speak to Adam as the one who was ultimately responsible. But I don’t believe he was punished for Eve’s sin, but for his own.

        In my experience – when men or women sound bitter – it is often the result of many years of excruciating pain.

        Carol,

        My heart goes out to you – I can definitely feel your pain. I’m always glad to hear from you! You may email me if you ever would like to. aprilc@sc.rr.com

        🙂

  16. Your response seemed a little dismissive of her feelings. You don’t know if she has been sexually abused in the past or how expicit her husbands comments might have been. She was asking for advise on how to tell him how she feels, not changing her prospective. For all you know he could be extremely forceful (violent even) or use foul language that offends her (which could be what she means by feeling like a “piece of meat”), but instead of thinking of all the possible reasons of her feelings or the situation, it seems like you just assume she’s friget and basically told her that she should “get over it” and to accept it.

    1. Star,

      Thank you for your perspective and for your willingness to share your thoughts. 🙂

      I believe you are speaking about the wife who wrote to me – whose email I partially quoted, am I correct?

      This wife and I have had several long conversations. So I was aware that the situation did not involve abuse or foul language. It is not at all my intention to be dismissive of any wife’s feelings. Our feelings are important – and we do need to effectively share our needs, desires and concerns with our husbands, I absolutely agree with you.

      I do want to be careful not to elevate feelings above our responsibility to obey God’s Word. But – feelings are important and I long for each wife to be able to communicate her feelings well with her husband.

      She actually responded in the comments, you are welcome to read her remarks.

      I hope that helps to clarify a bit. If you still have concerns, please let me know! 🙂

      1. Star,
        I hope you will also see that at the bottom of the post, I did give this wife suggestions about how to share her feelings.

        My premise for my answers is primarily I Corinthians 7.

        Thank you! 🙂

  17. I realize this thread has been dormant for some time, but if I may I’d like to share something my wife and I have discussed many times.
    In regard to women feeling like “a piece of meat”, and men being rude, inconsiderate pigs, I wholeheartedly believe that the media plays a huge part. I believe that even though men are created as not-so-refined beings, that we truly do care about our partners. However, when, as a little boy from early on up you see the movies and the tv and all the people older than you ( your heroes ) treating women as ” a piece of meat “, it becomes engrained in you. You start to think that the high school football star that can pick any girl out of the bunch and do whatever he want with said girl, is cool. We like to be cool. Brad Pitt can fool around with numerous female characters on the same movie and women go crazy over him. George clooney has had more girlfriends than pairs of socks that I’ve owned and every girl in the world would go with him in a second. We as men see that and subconsciously we start to mold ourselves that way.
    On the flip side women ( this coming from what my wife says ) from little on up over hear things like ” all he ever wants to do is have sex!!”, and “can’t you for one time keep your hands off me?”. We start from an early age to think that this is normal, and the way it should be.
    Both outlooks are completely wrong and unscriptural, yet we continue to allow this trash to come into our homes. Even as grown men we see these movies and since it’s the way we’ve been “trained” we think “well why can’t I?” The woman sees this stunningly good looking man with Herculean type body and charm aplenty that swoons and pampers and thinks “why can’t he?” If you’re a man and you happen to get into porn, which many teens are heavily involved in these days it makes it worse. I don’t comment here to offer a solution other than to realize where some of our issues may be stemming from, and to ask that we consider this in the lives of our children.

  18. Do you believe any acts are off limits in marriage? For example, some churches teach that oral/anal sex are sinful.

    1. TheresaR,

      I don’t know of scripture that prohibits those things in marriage. That will be something for couples to decide for themselves, in my understanding.

      1. Malloy,

        Thank you for your comment. 🙂 Many people hold this conviction.

        I am certainly not an expert not this topic, but am unaware of a specific prohibition in marriage. However, I realize that many people have very strong convictions about this issue. I am confident God will give couples His wisdom as they seek Him.

  19. There are two more stories I would like to include in my book – planning to send to editing this week! I’d love to have two husbands’ perspectives about how wives can respect their husbands sexually.

    I’d like one husband’s story who has felt disrespected, smothered and too pressured by his wife to have sex and how painful that was for him and how a wife could bless her husband in such a situation. And I’d like one husband’s story who felt rejected often by his wife and how painful that has been from his perspective and how a wife could bless a husband in this situation.

    I’d like something between 250-1000 words (more if you would like) – not too explicit with the sexual details, please! I want to focus more on the respect and emotional and spiritual aspect of these scenarios.

    Thank you so much!

    I’d like to have the stories this week, please.

  20. I am in need of some advice. I have been feeling like a piece of meat for sometime. My husband works away sometimes, but when he is home he wants sex every night. It has gotten to the point of now after having sex he will want it again and will please himself. I was getting extremely uncomfortable with this and finally spoke up.

    Porn has been an issue in the past and with this apparent increase in his sex drive I was concerned that it would lead him to seeking out porn again.

    When I voiced my concerns to my husband his immediate reaction was to say he would surprises his sex drive and we will only have sex once in a while. This is a normal reaction from him, anytime I bring up something sex related that he doesn’t like he will immediately respond with “we won’t have sex again as it just leads to arguments”. It ends with me begging him and telling him how important it is for the relationship. It has gotten to the point where I won’t voice any concerns because I don’t want to upset him or make him angry. I assume his reaction is a power play, but I can’t ignore it. I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t know what to do.

    Peacefulwife, how do I approach this situation? We have been married 4 short years and they have been quite tumultuous.

    1. Hopefulwife,

      Well, I Corinthians 7:1-5 does address this issue to a degree – that spouses are to be available to each other to meet each other’s sexual needs and not withhold sex from one another.

      Is he on any medications? Has he been using porn again? Is he taking supplements of any kind?

      Is he compulsively masturbating many times per day? I am aware of some men who are so addicted to porn and compulsive masturbation that they do it all throughout the day and even stop during work to take breaks to do this in the restroom. It can become quite an addiction.

      I think it is important to let him know you are on his team and that you want to meet his sexual desires and that you don’t look down on him but that you want sex to be a wonderful bonding experience between both of you. Is it possible for you to initiate sometimes when he is home?

      You may want to check out the e-book that Brent Riggs has about porn addiction at his site http://www.brentriggs.com – under the “books” section.

      Praying for wisdom for you both!

  21. My wife told me she felt this way one day right after sex… I don’t think anything has ever hurt so much in my life.

    1. John,

      Thank you so much for sharing. I don’t think that most wives understand the implications to their husbands when they say this. They are probably asking for more emotional/spiritual connection. But – I can definitely appreciate now that a statement like that could be very wounding to a husband. Thank you for helping the ladies to understand how that comment feels from a man’s perspective.

  22. As a man, I commented in the article on respect.
    Sex is such a big subject. Here it is in a nutshell; I am here reading about my fellow Christians true struggles and my heart goes out to you all. But my wife is full of heart and thinks of so many other people, but not me, I am largely ignored.
    She will not pursue information to make sexual fulfillment better. She simply will not read up on it. We have several books on the subject with chapters on sexual issues and she demonstrates an incredible naïve attitude and interpretation of them.
    I wish I could explain it better, but since being out of a job, her trust in my knowledge is getting smaller. Her health is ignored and she suffers some minor discomforts that are preventable, but won’t listen to my holistic advice. Therefore she can use my “unloving attitude” and the health problems together to sexually refuse me silently, the result is no coital sex for 5 weeks! She claims a third; “tiredness” and repeats my need to get a job. sex discussion ends.
    Temptation for me is bad. I am not good at avoiding temptation, but her desire to “want me” can eliminate ALL temptation. (I won’t go into the temptation part since we all know what I mean) Her ignorance along with disrespect makes our marriage bed a boring place where only sleep occurs. If not for a lot of children here, I would be suicidal, instead, depressed.
    As for spiritual and active life; I am a bible scholar and a fitness man.
    prayer for these problems have been ongoing for 10 years of a 29 year marriage!
    I suppose this is all unfair since she cannot defend herself…

    1. Jeff,
      I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. It sounds like there is certainly pain on both sides here. 🙁

      Thank you for sharing a masculine point of view. I think that wives will benefit from hearing how husbands feel when they feel neglected, ignored and rejected in marriage.

      I pray for God to give you His wisdom and the power of His Spirit to lead and love your wife in your marriage, to speak the truth gently and to demonstrate the love of Christ to her as you discuss the issues that need to be addressed. I pray for you to find all of your contentment, power, hope, peace, joy, acceptance, strength and identity in Christ alone – no matter what your wife does or does not do. And I pray for God to work mightily in both of you for His greatest glory.

      Many women don’t understand how difficult temptation is for men, especially when their wives reject them. I wonder if she knows the depths of your turmoil, struggle and pain as well as how severe the depression is that you are experiencing?

      I have heard from quite a number of men who have felt suicidal because they felt so disrespected by their wives.

      For a wife to learn what it means to respect her husband is a massive process in our culture today – and it can take a few years for a wife to really “get it” from the time she sets out to learn to respect and honor her husband. Most wives do not purposely disrespect their husbands- they learned to do this from our culture, from their own mother, from the sinful nature… Most wives have NO idea what respect is or how deeply disrespect hurts their husbands. If they knew, they would be mortified.

      I pray you might both have a chance to sit down and read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs together. It is a very balanced presentation of what wives need and what husbands need according to God’s Word. It is a great starting point. Then I have some lists at the top of my home page about what respect means to husbands and what is disrespectful to husbands that may be helpful.

      Praying for God’s power to work in your marriage to bring great healing for you both!

      The husbands I have known who were suicidal at one point (several of them were a year and a half ago) – began to seek to focus on themselves and their end of the marriage and their walk with Christ, and I have seen God heal those particular marriages. Our God is able, my precious brother. I have witnessed God heal hundreds of marriages here. I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you, your wife, your children and your marriage!

  23. I just now read all these threads. I found this doing a search on what to do when your Christian husband changes and makes you feel like dirt. I have thoroughly loved my husband all of our 25 year marriage. But he has consistently put coaching, baseball and football, and fishing ahead of our relationship. I have raised our six children. Dealt with the youngest, who is autistic and ran his programs. Had therapists in our home for 12 years working with him. Supported all of their activities, especially his. Kept the house clean and the laundry done, worked outside the home as much as possible, painted the outside and inside of the house and maintained it, helped with yard work, trimming hedges, etc. I NEVER see any other woman in the neighborhood doing these things for their husbands. I loved sex with him. I was always the one instigating our intimate times together and made him feel “like a king” according to him. I have kept myself in excellent shape our whole marriage. Went back to school and became a nurse 10 years ago to help him financially after the children were older. But all these years, he would put ANYTHING in front of our marriage in his priorities. Whether it was playing or coaching baseball, coaching football, fishing, work, the children. And in the rare times, usually every 5 years or so, that I would call him on his priorities, he would say “What is wrong with you, you need help.”
    Then 5 years ago he completely changed. His ego went off the wall and statements went from “God blessed me with you” to “You’re lucky to have me.” He has said “You should be grateful I don’t beat you.” “Any woman would want me.” And when I tried to get intimate with him, he would say things like “Why do you want to ruin a perfect weekend” or “It’s Tuesday…we just did it on Saturday. I need time to recuperate.” He has been checking out younger and younger girls when we are out together. And says, “I can’t help it, I like a certain kind of figure.” While driving, a girl jogged by and he stopped mid-sentence to look in the rearview and said “Hmmm. Maybe I’ll take up jogging.” At a family wedding, I walked up behind him at the bar to hear him tell the barmaid she “has a gorgeous smile”. And the one statement that hurt me most…”You always loved me more than I loved you.”
    He has been using Viagra for years due to blood pressure medications he has been on since his twenties. But he started taking it every day even though he wouldn’t come near me. His response to my asking why was “Just in case”. Just in case WHAT???
    So I started falling apart emotionally and eventually physically. I saw shrinking windows on our computer and found out he had a hotmail address and had been on the Messenger chat window. He denied anything and then got rid of the computer when he realized I was looking around and learning how to do forensic analysis. Then he tried to tell me that he “just ended up with a hotmail account” and that I “probably have one too”. So he sat next to me as I typed in my normal email address as a hotmail account address and entered my normal email password (which he knows) and voila…I HAD ONE TOO. How strange. DUH. I am not stupid. I slipped into a massive depression and started drinking more frequently. (self-medicating)

    Right when I thought I couldn’t handle any more of it, and found myself curled up into a ball crying on our bed saying, “I can’t take this anymore. I have to go.” The Lord stepped in and showed my husband all the ways he has dishonored me over the years. But especially how he has dishonored God. I studied the Word for out whole marriage, until I went to school full-time and packed away an inductive study of the book of Romans. I had always attempted to read to my husband all the things I’d learned. I tried to tell him what I’d learned about financial management, raising children, etc and he rejected everything I said.
    My husband never put me in the proper place of his priorities…but even worse…he didn’t have the LORD in HIS proper place. He did “what was right in his own eyes”. He compared himself to other men and found himself perfect. If he wouldn’t listen to God, why should he listen to me? I married him because I thought we were going to read and pray together our whole lives together and that changed almost as soon as the ring went on the finger. BUT GOD…I always loved the “BUT GOD” statements in the Scriptures…BUT GOD…woke us both up.

    I felt worthless, unseen and unheard. I was being compared to every other woman in the world and somehow falling short in my husband’s eyes. My heart broke in so many ways over these past years. In December, at the grocery store, I was checking out stuff in the meat section and turned to find my husband right behind me. He said “I’m not looking at anyone I’m just looking at you.” I almost started crying right there. “Really?” He was pissed that I skipped going down the baking isle. He said “You didn’t go down that isle because there is a hot chick in tight pants there.” I didn’t need anything in that isle. I had bought everything I needed for Christmas baking. He said we “needed Shake and Bake” so I told him to go get it himself and “ask her to do a 360 so he could check her out from every angle.” On the ride home I told him he is free to do whatever he wants. I would not ever be treated this way ever again. If he didn’t change his attitude and actions I am gone. And we didn’t make love for over 7 months because I was not going to give myself to a man who obviously had no respect or love for me.

    I realized that my depression was from listening to the enemies lies about my worth. And I started listening to what God had to say. My husband realized through talking to a couple of good men, how his words and actions affected me. I am now attempting to get back into working out and getting my muscle tone back up to par (I had stopped working out because I felt nothing I did mattered to him anymore). But I injured my shoulder at work over a year ago as well, and am seeing surgeons and neurologists due to nerve pain running down my arm. And we began reading and praying together and planning camping trips.
    I am worth so much in God’s economy. My husband took advantage of my love for the Lord and my love for him. He had become self-absorbed and narcissistic. He had been looking for the world’s approval and applause through his coaching. He also admits that he had been raised to believe that women are only ONLY there for men’s pleasure and use. “That’s just the way it is”.
    Now he realizes all of his errors and I am trusting God with my marriage. However, I also made it very clear that I am able to make it through life on my own if that is what he would choose…I will never let it get like that ever again. I am here first and foremost for GOD’s purposes and I will walk away from anyone who thinks more highly of himself than he should…to the point of crushing the spirit of the people around them. I had put too much of my heart into my marriage…I used to think that wasn’t possible, but I was wrong. NO MAN (or woman) should ever have that much power over another person EVER…that they could destroy their lives and their joy and treat them like dirt.

    1. Fullarmor50,
      What a difficult situation for so very long!

      I praise God for what He is doing in both of you! WOOHOOO!
      Thank you for sharing. Yes, we can respect God, respect ourselves and our husbands. And there are times we do need to confront them about their sin. Of course, ultimately, only God can open a person’s eyes to his/her sin. I’m so glad God is working in both of you. I pray for His greatest glory in each of your lives and in your marriage!

  24. I dont feel he desires me.. He falls asleep instantly when he gets in bed and lays down.. this hurts me makes me feel alone not valued as a woman.. Im the aggressive one all the time .. I touch him.. he has gone to doctor , they say his testosterone was low he has been on it six months still no improvement..Still falls asleep I sdk God for understanding but im very sexual..

    1. D1968,

      If a husband has low testosterone, that can definitely make it physically impossible for him to desire sex. And it also causes depression and fatigue. IS it possible for you to mention that there is no improvement to his dr? Or is your husband going for a follow up with the dr soon?

      Have you seen the post about the pain of sexual rejection in marriage?

      Sending you a huge hug, my precious girl!!!!!

  25. It looks like the posts here are done, but here is my further perspective; if I had not discovered this site I would have thought I was the worst of husbands. Right now I feel not only better, in a way, but that the church is really messed up and could use some help and lots of healthy “intimacy in the bedroom” would help. For men, lots of healthy married sexual intimacy would result in a reduction in areas of; depression, boredom, porn and other temptations, laziness and lack of prayer. We could revolutionize the church, increase production of volunteerism, physical exercise and better leadership. After 7 months without coital sex, I don’t feel like making an effort in anything…really! If I hear about a special missions project at church, I am not motivated to do anything! I mean, If I am stuck in this marriage where everything is my fault, why make an effort to do anything?
    Anyway, these are my thoughts.

    1. Jeff,

      Thanks for sharing this perspective. I am so glad that you are feeling better. And yes, a lot of things are very messed up in our church culture and in our understanding as believers of godly marriage, godly masculinity and godly femininity. We have veered VERY far away from God’s path for us. I pray for a great awakening for each of us as individuals and for the church corporately – that this generation might rise up to become a godly generation, a beautiful example to our children and that we might be on fire for Christ.

      Praying for healing for you, your wife, your family and your marriage, my brother!

  26. Well, Things are the same. Married couples everywhere are messed up and I am among them. Christmas this year is truly a marked time for me. 5 years unemployed! On welfare as a result. At my age, I should be feeling good about my legacy to my children and my finances should be real good, but are a mess. Now we are traveling, my older son has relapsed on drugs and my other autistic daughter is missing again! (she has mental disorders). Romance this season is still a problem since my wife has Vaginismus for 10 months now.
    In-laws come tomorrow and I have to face them again and report my lack of success in finding a job, again…so humiliating! I’ve stayed in good shape so at least I don’t look like a bum.
    I am trying to be polite with my wife and we are getting along well, but the respect issues are still there to a limited sense, but I feel better now that I can reveal how much I dislike her correcting me all the time. After awhile she sees that I am willing to stand up to what ever limited amount of masculinity I have left, and she is responding better. . A plus here is that the room we have in our borrowed house, has a jet tub. We got a bottle of wine and she is willing to spend some hours alone with me soaking up the jets! It’s all I got as far as romance and I’m taking it!
    My heart goes out to those women who have difficult and uncommitted husbands. Its a mystery that so many women are willing to be with a married man!
    My mentality is that I need to reveal my needs more to her. In return I limp along at providing the best I can as I watch the kids and keep the house clean…so depressing in a reversed roll…then she comes home complaining that I need to get a job so she can be home…I feel so heavy a burden that the depression is just sad. I long to feel like a man again. No one to talk to about it…this is it.
    Merry Christmas…the jet tub awaits me.

    1. Jeff,

      How I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Your worth as a man is not in your ability to bring home a paycheck. I know that you would do that in a heartbeat if you had a chance. And I know that it is so excruciating for a man to not be able to be the breadwinner. But, my precious brother… Your worth and value come from Christ. He made you. He redeemed you. You have great value because He has given it to you. Check out Romans 8 to see what God says about you. No one can take that away from you. Yes, it would be awesome if you could have a job. I agree. And I pray for God’s will and His provision and His greatest glory in your life, your marriage and your family. I pray He might open a door of opportunity for you soon. But, I long for you to experience the peace, joy and power of God in your life even in these less than ideal circumstances.

      Most wives are not purposely disrespectful. I am really glad you are sharing your needs with your wife. She probably has no idea what feels disrespectful or respectful to you. I am so proud of her that she is listening and doing better. Women are not good at reading men’s minds. For the most part, we have no clue how different y’all are from us! It is pretty shocking when we realize how differently you think and how different your needs are. Most of us need a lot of help to understand that.

      I pray for healing for your wife. But I praise God for that tub and the joy that it brings to you both.

      I am praying for your children. Goodness, what a fiery trial your family is experiencing. I know the enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy. How I pray that you will stand in the gap for your children and that God might work in their lives. I pray for their safety and for healing for them and wisdom, healing, hope, comfort, strength, and the power of God’s Spirit for you and your wife.

      Much love to you, my brother!!

      Merry Christmas to you and your family!

  27. Hmmm I think this is the case of Puritanism gone wild. This ultra- conservatism crept in. Saying men have wild sex drives and women have none. Every woman has a sex drive a very strong one ,capable of multiple orgasms many times each day. Sorry men you can not physically achieve this no matter how much you dream about it.

    A Mans sex drive is in short AMAZING! It’s responsive and can put up with a lot of force and tension.

    However if a husband is making a wife feel uncomfortable no matter what he thinks she will feel disrespected and shut down. A man should be making himself free to be touched, groped , vulnerable , dirty talked to etc. he should recognise her sexuality as separate from himself. If I only play with my husband when I am in the mood it conveys disrespect. If I engage my husband and bring him to me or I initiate he will be VERY happy to have sex. Initiating to a man says that you enjoy him even if you do this often. There is rarely too much initiating even if it’s 90% you 10% him. A man needs to make himself vulnerable in order to experience sex deeply in a way that seers in his brain. If you engage with each other even if he initiated you can experience his masculinity and feel free to have good sex. A Masculine man is never ever ashamed of a wife that initiates often or engages him sexually. Then wives enjoy those vulnerable moments that he shows no one else !!

    Women why not get to know ur husbands primal, emotional , spiritual, paternal sides during sex. A real man knows that sexual encounters are different. Why not mention that .Men LOVE when u notice things about them in the bedroom. They give u that look like U NOTICED! Wow good.

    1. Lauren,

      I am definitely not saying that men have “wild sex drives and women have none”! I have posts for wives who have the higher drive and whose husbands are rejecting them, as well. That is the case in about 40% of marriages. In this post, I am addressing a particular wife’s question.

      Many men and women do enjoy sex in marriage – thankfully! There are few marriages where the drive and desire level is the same all the time. So there can be issues of balance to be worked out. If a husband is feeling very disrespected, or has medical issues, or is exhausted, or just has low testosterone or is on the low end of “normal libido,” sometimes husbands do reject their wives. Sometimes husbands don’t like feeling constantly pressured into sex. I have a post about that here.

      I also have a post about wives initiating sex more here.

      Thanks for sharing!

    2. @Lauren: You made a decent post, but there are a few things to consider. For starters, this “multiple orgasms” for women things comes with a grain of salt. Many times after a woman has an orgasm she becomes too sensitive to touch and it becomes uncomfortable for her. A woman may not have a refractory period the same as a man does, but that does not mean she can have sex 24/7/365 without a break. Natural lubrication also becomes an issue. A woman’s body will not lubricate indefinitely either. Then of coarse there is the remaining factor which is at some point the man will be tire out and the sex will end regardless of how many orgasms his wife is capable of. Things often sound good on paper, but in practice its an entirely different thing.

      Also, orgasm and ejaculation for men are 2 different things. Although they often happen at the same time one not necessarily follow the other. In some Eastern philosophies there are muscle developing techniques that men learn to separate ejaculation from orgasm which enables them to have “one after another.” Even if a man doesn’t master these techniques, for most guys the refractory period is not longer than a few minutes which is hardly a show stopper.

  28. well, my time with my wife in the jet tub before Christmas was a disaster! I looked forward to our time together to relax and drink some wine to take the edge off and she spent an hour telling me how mean I am to our 20 year old autistic son (Asperger’s). I did my best to defend myself while I went over every one of her false accusations as the Jacuzzi jets were blowing away. I feel like she is living in a time from 6 years ago. I’ve been the one trying to address our son’s homosexual issues, his lack of masculinity and his immaturity on a daily basis as well as his therapy sessions bi-monthly. She continues to allow the effeminate behaviors and derides me whenever I calmly speak to him about some issue during the day when he might be dancing like…a girl…really like a girl! and I’m being mean!! So this is what we talked about for an hour as I got more and more worked up over her false accusations until I told her she was lying. She asked me to repeat it and I did. The whole discussion came to a crescendo when she told me that my grad school for psychology would fail because I was such a mean man! As the bubbles roared and the wine flowed into my glass we fought over issues of my unemployment and her incessant disrespect in many things. I told her that her disrespect was from my unemployment for the last 5 years. (I collect welfare for our Downs child, sort-of as a wage) I said that she would never allow me to make decisions for the family because of my unemployment. She disagreed of course. In the midst of our nudity, jet bubbles and wine, we ended the conversation and switched to a brief discussion about our trip next year for our 30th anniversary. I am reluctant to talk about this trip because my wife is living with untreated Vaginismus. She has had 9 months to call our very affordable and available doctor and yet still complains that she works and has had difficulty. Needless to say, I am not excited for ANY trip with her and I remain so until she addresses the issue. When we returned home after Christmas she accused me again of being harsh and unapologetic to our 22 year old son who relapsed on meth again, shortly before we left.
    I am not hopeful. I want to give up, or concentrate on a job I don’t have…!

    I have duties. Its gym time again.

    1. Jeffrey,
      Goodness… so many challenges and misunderstandings. 🙁

      Praying for wisdom for you and for your wife. Praying for your children. Sometimes moms don’t understand a dad’s perspective. And sometimes moms don’t realize that there can be times when a dad’s approach is very needed, even if it may seem a bit harsh to her at the time. As a pharmacist, I have seen many meth addicts. There can be times when very firm boundaries must be set. A person addicted to meth is not in his/her right mind. It is not loving to allow a person to continue on in that type of destructive addiction. Praying for unity and healing for you both and for God’s wisdom in each of these painful, difficult trials.

  29. Short version–men are to look to God–not their wives–to be affirmed or to be filled up after a rough day at work. When a man has the tttitude that sex with his wife is for him–for his affirmation or to fill him up–he has just made his wife/sex an idol replacing God. Sex is the ultimate picture of good relating–of giving and trusting–not taking and demanding. I am saddened by the majority of the posts and responses here.

    1. Aileen,

      Husbands can turn their wives, sex, marriage, etc… into idols, that is true. And ultimately, we do all need to find our fulfillment in Christ. I completely agree!

      I do believe wives can bless their husbands by being joyfully available to them. But sex is not supposed to be a selfish, or self-serving act in a godly marriage. And nowhere does God say we should demand sex. God commands us to not withhold sex from our spouse – but that does not give a spouse the right to demand anything or be abusive.

      I’m so sad to think that you are not hearing that message here. If there is something I can do to make things more clear, please let me know.

      Thanks for sharing!

  30. I admit I only got thro about 1/2 of the comments, so please forgive as I will go back and read them.

    I love sex. I think lovemaking is an art and about the most excitement a couple can share. It can touch us deep into our spirituality and cause much happiness that makes both parties eager to please each other in all things, we become more loving. We just keep falling in love over and over again with the same partner.One of the secrets is to really learn each other and all their responses that excite desire.
    I think there is a reason we often call it lovemaking.

    I think sexual rejection is disastrous to a marriage and the soul kinship of husband and wife (except when there is adultery)
    And this is one thing I taught my daughter when she came of age.

    So, being truly astonished at some of the things I have read in the comments….as my husband was in the kitchen and I, in sight, on the sofa. Gave him that teasing (comedian) look and announced I was going to ask him 3 questions so get ready.

    And purely out of the blue (as far as he knew) I asked him what was the first 3 things that came to his mind about sex.
    He smiled and blurted out 3 of his body parts.
    I laughed hysterically.
    I don’t think even given all of eternity that I would have come up with his answers!

    So then I asked him if he wanted to hear my reply.
    He seemed a little unsure about that but did hang around to see what I would say.

    I told him exactly and specifically that I loved each of those parts (and I named them) and I told him how I best enjoyed them. I love this thing with that etc type of convo.
    So I was able to tell him in clear detail about what I liked and wanted in a light hearted way without any undue embarrassment or awkwardness, while also affirming I loved him and his parts and how he could best please me with them.
    And I believe it was a boost to him as well.

    I shared this to say that we can find creative approaches with goodwill and not tie ourselves up in knots. and definitely without accusations.

    Maybe this exchange only fits our marriage, but I believe in hope and finding what works for individuals.

    May your love life become inspired!

      1. Tena,
        Thank you for that PG rated story. I think that as Christians, we (meaning Christian “leaders” AND the rest of us) do not teach enough about the intimate part of our relationships. Some couples come into the marriage with “baggage” and those issues are never resolved due to never engaging in conversation about it. Men need to be affirmed. Some women treat a man’s “sexual overdrive” like its some kind of joke among women’s groups. Then those same women ignore the man’s sexual needs and response’s. In other cases the man makes sexual comments to his wife that are crass and funny-serious to him.
        Those men who are well-fed sexually, should have no problem addressing God in prayer and spending needed time with family members. Those who are sexually starved, go “hunting” for fulfillment. The method of fulfillment could be a workaholic, too much golf or any combination of sexual sins. I pity a wounded church during a difficult time of redefinition of marriage. What does the church really have to offer? The weakness of our argument to same sex couples resides with this problem. The reason for it is that new couples who enter into a Christian marriage have a weak legacy in many cases because they follow an absence of sexual teaching within the church. The results are a 50% or more divorce rate, which to me is embarrassing. I know of some women who profess that they think their husband should be more into prayer and bible reading while making every excuse to ignore the intimacy that makes life exciting for him, otherwise, what is he fighting for? Some men on the other hand, provoke the woman they swore to protect by bringing into the home a world of media, beer, profanity and materialism. There is plenty of blame to go around. I am not a leader but I see things of this nature and the statistics of couples who ignore the intimate part of marriage end up divorced or extremely separated into their own thing removing the excitement for marriage for the next generation. Its no wonder young people leave the church these days.
        There are many things we address in the church and do well. How about the part that keeps us couples together?

  31. Hello there. I don’t really know if someone will read this after all this time but I went online trying to find something that could shed some light into the issues i have in my marriage.

    Ive been married for 10 months now and It hasnt been what I expected at all! when i thought I married a sensible, faithfull, hardworking man, it turns out that he’s actually lustfull, very unsensitive to me, and he’s been giving less that 50 percent of his energies to everything in his life at the moment, including me and our marriage.

    3 month into the marriage he confesed to have a problem with pornography and masturbation. He said the genuinlly thought It was over but it really wasn’t. He even confesed to having done it while I was sleeping or out for groceries. Also then he confesed to having cheated on my with a girl when we dated (only kissing and foolign around). That he was having trouble not to look at woman lustfully out in the streets (and where i live every girl barely wears clothes to go outside) and that he wasnt sure he wanted to change.
    What does that do to your dreams of happily ever after?
    All I wanted out of this marriage is to be loved and cherised and disired, just as I would love cherish and desire him only.

    I used to have problems with masturbation and pornography growing up due to early exposure to sexual images early on my life and was enslave for quite some time. Before I got married I gave all this things to the Lord, he delivired me and since then I’ve been faihfull to my covevant and have no compelling feeling to sin in this way, PRAISE THE LORD. so from this, i understand my husbands struggle… sort of.

    But I feel so disaapointed, so decived, so used and mistreated… I ve given him everything.. and now I feel so guilty over my expectations and just how my heart aches when I think or talk about it.

    I dont think he’s able to understand how it feels on this side of the story, he’s been trying to be kind and understading and he decided to fight against it because he wants to follow Jesus , but he also saids he wants to be able to talk to me about the times he’s feeling tempted or when he fails again. He says he needs that accountability but i seriously can’t take it, I feel angry, cheated on and complety devastated.

    SInce this happened, i’ve had SUCH A HARD time enjoying sex with him. Images come to mind, i wonder about my body because i know some other features are atractive to him (allthough he’s always flirting and touching me, like he always wants to have sex) and whenever I say “not now” he says he just wants to be with his wife…
    My heart goes back and forth, because I want to be his helper in every way, i want to support him especillay since we dont have any godly man around to mentor him, and I want to encourage him… but I feel devastated and the truth is that i’ve sorta lost faith in this marriage.

    I don’t know what to do.

    1. A broken-hearted wife,

      How my heart just breaks for the pain you are experiencing! I’m so glad to meet you and wish I could give you a big hug! We could pray and talk and cry together.

      How I praise God that He has delivered you from your slavery to masturbation and porn use! WOOHOO!!!! I am thankful that you do have some understanding of the addiction your husband faces.

      I can definitely understand the pain you are feeling and I want to see you both healed.

      Please search my home page for “porn” and read the posts you find. The one that is a prayer for those who are addicted to porn and those hurt by porn addiction may be healing.

      And, please check out the following resources:

      http://www.xxxchurch.org

      Shaunti Feldhahn has a new book, just out today, that she co-wrote with the guy in charge of http://www.xxxchurch.org – Through a Man’s Eyes. I am hoping to get my hands on a copy ASAP and do a review, but I believe that book will be very helpful.

      I also highly recommend, Grace Filled Marriage, by Tim Kimmel. There is a whole chapter on this issue that I believe is very helpful.

      You are not alone! Many wives are in your shoes today, unfortunately. Thankfully, we can pray for one another and for our husbands together and we have every reason for hope in Christ!

      How is your walk with Christ going lately?

      What does your husband say would help him? Are there things you can do as a team to battle this sin. He is not the enemy – the sin and Satan are the real enemies. I long for you to band together with Christ and each other to fight this thing! The enemy wants to tear you apart and destroy your marriage. He wants you to not forgive him and withdraw from him. He wants your husband to stay ensnared and not repent or turn to Christ. How I pray that the enemy will not have victory in your life, your husband’s life, or your precious marriage!

      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s so nice to know there’s someone out there who says more than: “Just get over it”, “Be happy he doesn’t have an affair” or simply “forgive him”

        The truth is my relationship with God is sorta on the rocks. When I came to the knowledge of all of this it was unbarable so I just decided to put it aside, thinking I had forgiven everything. But the, a second crisis came and I had this incredible amount of anger and as I dug depper into what was going on I noticed that I was mostly angry at God. So since then, Its gotten a lot better… but I still do wonder… why this? why me? Sometimes I think it might be that the consecuences of my past sin are making its ways into my marriage, a “you had it comming” kinda thing.
        Im trying to make sense of it all, and talking to my husband I realized I was very unaware of many things about sex, man and marriage.

        My husband has decided to fight but he’s clueless about it as well, he’s been praying more and reading a lot some book i’ve bought for him. he only wishes he had someone who understood him that he could talk and hold accountable to. I said that i could listen certaing things I also suggested he’d give me no details but just simple say “pray for me. Im struggling today” or give he signs if he’s feeling very tempted and we both can be together and lessen the “heat”
        But sex for me now seems so broken, defiled and just plain … carnal.
        I thought highly of it, but this experience has made it lose its magic and now sometimes it feels like a burden.

        I’ve come to learn that i have to give myself to my husband.. and I did’nt quite understand that until very recently so obedience has been the only thing making me hold onto this area of our lives, that even If i dont feel like it, or that it causes me certain type of sadness I still do it because I know I’m obeing God when I do… and He blesses obedience, whether I’m able to see it or not.

        I appreciate your words of encouragement and I hope God blesses you, your family and ministry.

        1. A broken-hearted wife,

          There is a lot more to it than just getting over it, or glossing over this sin. Before you can forgive – you do have to acknowledge the severity of the sin and the cost of it to your marriage. And before you can forgive, you do have to have a right relationship with God and have experienced His grace, mercy, and forgiveness for your massive sin debt to Him, as well.

          How do you believe you have a right relationship with God?

          Why do you believe you have been angry with God? Do you believe God should have not allowed your husband to have free will?

          What are you praying for now?

          What do you desire to have in your walk with Christ?

          How did you come to Christ?

          Let’s hash through this stuff together, my precious sister! I’m happy to walk beside you on this road. 🙂

          Much love to you!

          1. All very interesting questions. I was born into a christian family, very traditional in certain things but lacked the teachin about how to walk with God. Im many ways I think some members of my family have no idea how to walk with God If there wasn’t chruch on Sunday.
            That’s how I got baptized but still got in a lot of trouble and a lot of sin in my life, because I hadnt really given my life to Jesus and didn’t really know what that was or how that looked like.

            When I was 20 something i’d say was when I really came to Christ, I understood what “savior” meant in a sinners life, experience grace and redepmtion and found myself in a true deep relationship with God. All of that happpend maybe 2 years before I got married so of course I had to repent of many sins in my dating relationship to who is now my husband. And encourged him to seek restioration in his spriitual like as wel..

            For me having a right relationship with God is follow him closly. Having a prayerfull and obedient spirit, that is passionate about reading his Word and being loving and affectionate to others. I realize I fall short in many of this things, but the best times in my life have been when Im completely surrendered at His feet.

            Reading other posts I’ve been thinking than maybe my marriage could be an “idol” to me and that’s why this is happening… because humans are meant to sin and can hold up to our expectations. But on the other hand I guess God really desires a marriage that honors Him.
            I admit that I turn to God when it comes to my marriage but im not that willing or specific about other things in my life. I think marriage is the most important thing in my life right now .. ( I guess that’s ok) and I deepply desire my life and my marriage to be God honoring… I’ve found my self thinking that there’s no way to accomplish that withouth some hurting and trials, but I found this trials to be overbearing for me.

            After all this happend I found myself completly dissapointed in humanity… specially man. All the man in my life have failed me, my father.. and now my dear husband. I use to be so tender-harted and admired my husband so much and now I struggle with this though that I just have to settle for the person he really is. And it hurts me because my worst dreams have come true.

            Not only in the area of sexuallity, I also have to admit he’s done some serious damage in my self steem since we got married. He use to be incredibly judmental about my thoughts, the way I did things or how I responded to certaing things, and made me feel inferior to him in many ways. He didnt mean to do that.. he was just acting out from the things he delt with in his own up bringing but caused some serious issues between us, so … all of this things pilling up.. I just feel resentfull and so unloving to him.. Why can’t he love me how I loved him? Why isisnt he respectful? faithfull and loving?

            At the beginning I blamed God because I had done all the right things, I didn’t want to bring all of that sin from our dating relationship, got cleanned, decided to follow him and now this… I realize I can’t use God for my own purpuses… to be “fulfilled” and happy by my marriage relationship because He knows that would make me feel at ease and good about life. But I still can handle this feeling of brokeness, betrayal and dissapoinment I feel all the time.

        2. I haven’t posted here in awhile, but afters seeing your thread I felt moved to not be lazy and reply. I would like to offer something a littler deeper than what Jeff offered up to you.

          Many people ignorantly assume that a man’s sex drive is a like a runaway bullet train. Well its easy to say just let it be but the inevitable result is going to be disastrous and sidesteps the actual problem. An out of control sex-drive is a symptom of something far deeper. Jeff rightly points to culture as a driving force but doesn’t elaborate to the degree necessary.

          A woman has incredible influence over a man. Groups of women have a combined influence over a man. Many women wrongly assume that men don’t listen to them. Actually, we listen perhaps on a level that goes deeper than words can penetrate. I believe God is a most imaginative creator and has given men many senses by which to understand woman. After all, I highly doubt He would create 2 beings meant for oneness without giving them the spiritual tools to comprehend the other. The problem however is that women routinely underestimate and are ignorant of their own influence.

          Realize that everything you say or do IS being consumed by your husband. Every “man-joke” you make, every “man-joke” other women make, and every woman-driven (read feminism) crusade against men has influenced your husband in an entirely negative way. In most cases (I’m assuming here) a man’s first image of woman is that of his mother. A mother does something for a man that no other woman will do for him. She lets him feed off her body, energy, and very being. As a result most men start off with a very set of standards when it comes to women. Then reality sets it. He hears the “man-joke.” He hears in the media that he is an “oppressor” by feminist groups. It is like being a kid super excited for Christmas then you come running down to find nothing under the tree. The feeling of having been cheated stings for years to come and often causes one to doubt the existence of what they have been told to believe in.

          Then he hears about women who use sex to wrangle a man into doing what they want done. A woman is a prostitute when a man gives her money for sex. A man is like a prostitute when a woman gives him sex to get something she wants. Add all that up over the years and is really hard to see why men turn to solitary acts against chastity?

          Each man these days has been so psychologically assaulted by women that the out of control sex-drive is more the result of a compromised mind than it is of a truly “high sex-drive” man. Sex makes one feel REALLY good. What do people who feel really bad want to go? They want to feel REALLY good. Make your husband feel like you really appreciate him just being a man. Don’t obsess about what he does or doesn’t do. Just show him you appreciate that he is man so you can bond with him in the intimate way God designed. When women are bashing men, take a stand for men and let your husband see that. Do it on Facebook. Do it on Twitter. Do it in every public venue so your husband can see that you are indeed honored and proud of what he is. Remember, God made woman to reflect the glory of man. “A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man.” (1 Corinthians 11:7) When women tare men down, they tare themselves down. Get in touch with what God created you to be and you will influence your husband to do the same.

          And FYI, laced underwear and a pole dance will not solve a spiritual deficiency regardless what any guy says……

          1. The Muslims believe that ALL men’s sex drive is uncontrolled. I’m simply asking a question about a method that may or may not work in the case of a wife being the sexual tiger he needs. Some men need a combination of biblical counsel and marriage tips.
            In my case, I would be very much more motivated if my wife was more negotiable for that sexual side. Instead sexuality is held behind a gate that she controls. I am more apt to walk away and do nothing than bend to her sexual control or lack thereof.
            I remember a big fight we had recently. We planned on a usual intimate encounter at that time. She blamed me for our fight and sexually penalized me…told me I ruined the mood. Well, I planned on doing NOTHING on the garden project that she needed my hands on for the next week! I was then going to disappear to the gym for 3 hours!
            Rest of the story; within the hour, she made up to me. “attacked me” while I was changing in the bedroom. Needles to say, I worked on the garden the rest of the day!
            I am negotiable.

          2. For a man (or woman) who doesn’t have the Holy Spirit – I’m sure that the sex drive could be uncontrolled.

            Thanks Jeff and JRiani for the masculine perspectives.

            Ladies,
            I’m sure you can see that men tend to think in very different ways from how we do. Maybe your husband could relate to something some of the men here have shared? Or maybe they have a different way of looking at things. Could be an interesting discussion to have (in a friendly, curious way – not an interrogating, condemning way – of course). May God empower us as wives to better understand our men and to seek to bless them.

            I have some new Youtube videos up this week that may be a blessing to your marriage!

            The Smiling Challenge
            The Tone of Voice Challenge

            Much love to each of you!

          3. I just have to admit I’m clueless about everything.

            Here are some ideas I had about man:

            1. They are head-over-hills about the woman they love and would do anything for them.

            2. They generally have a higher sex drive than woman.

            3. They will always say yes to a woman’s sexual advance (wife’s). Always up and ready.

            4. They love longerie and things to look at.

            5. They are fun and want to have fun in bed.

            6. They love it when a woman is engaged in the love making, when she tries different things and has fun with it.

            7. If he can talk to her about the things he’d like to do diffently in the bedroom.

            yet, this is not really how is goes in my marriage.
            My husband seems nervous or unconfrotable when I make an advance because he’s affraid of not making it work ?? (I would imagine the thought of being with me enought to make him feel excited) guess not.

            He doesnt respond to my sexual advances when he’s doing something else like.. reading something on facebook or doing something unimportant.. he just doesnt like to be interrumpet … not even by a desirefull wife? Thats great

            He doesnt want me to do anything for him in the bedroom “down there” .. all he wants to do is me. He says he doesnt want to bring his sinfull desires so I act them out… he says he doesnt want to go down that road..

            So he never has something he wants to try or do different. It’s the same if Im wearing a torn tshirt and havent showered than prepare a fancy something to wear and a new perfunme.

            He feels weird when I tell him I want to do something….

            I just wonder he’s got some trash in his head from all the porn watching… I could not ever be as beautifull as those woman and never preform loude acts like them.. So he prefers it that way because he thinks they are disgusting.(something he’s said before). but still .. can make him explode from desire?

            He wants to be able to grope me whenever he wants to .. If he’s playing an I pass by he grabs. and whenever he’s ready he expects me to be willing as well…
            When he does this rejecting me want i want and seeking me sexually when he wants when he “feels” it.. I think two things: He’s aroused by something he’s thingking about, or his body is just telling me he needs it.
            And if i ever ask him why he’s all over me at times he says he just thinks im incredibly sexy and he desires me… so he doesnt desire me when I iniciate?

            The problem has to be me. And of course I could think… how many would want a wife who is so involved and he just… doesnt even ackknolegde that as a good thing?

            He never says He likes anything about me. But very clear when I mess up about anything. Nowadays is so hard for me to think about it possitivly.

            THIS MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!

            Please feel free to share some perspective.

          4. @Broken Hearted: The reason things don’t make sense sometimes is because human have faulty logic. If your husband is behaving irrationally then trying to make sense out of it is futile. Like I said before, women (as a group) DO carry a lot of influence even over an individual man. That influence is not just sexual. Mistake number 1 that women make is to think that every misgiving about men goes back to sex. It really doesn’t. Disordered sexual appetites have more to do with how society treats / views men than it does with some biological drive. Yes, men have a different biological perspective on sex but that doesn’t mean it is / should be a destructive one. Actually it should be a creative one.

            Don’t blame yourself. Don’t take the weight of the world on your shoulders. Think about Jesus Christ. He was a man. Yes, He was God too but He revealed Himself in the form of a man. Meditate on that tenet of our faith and use His example to show men what can be in us. Only God can move stony stubborn hearts. Our prayers can help, but only He knows how to do it.

          5. Broken Hearted Wife,

            The problem is not you, my precious sister! And I think that it would be really helpful for you to have a much more accurate understanding of what is involved in a man’s mind who is addicted to porn. Shaunti Feldhahn has a new book that just came out this week. I read the first 100 pages already last night, actually. It’s called, “Through a Man’s Eyes.” She co-authored this book with the guy who runs http://www.xxxchurch.org who helps thousands and thousands of people around the world find the healing of Christ for porn addictions.

            I can tell you this – his addiction has nothing to do with his desire for you. And it has nothing to do with whether he thinks you are beautiful or not. It is about something much more deep in his own soul as a man – that really doesn’t have anything to do with you. Porn use and addiction is not about a lack of sex in marriage. It is about the way that porn makes a man feel better about himself – in a counterfeit way.

            PLEASE, PLEASE get that book ASAP! Now- it may be difficult for some women to read this book. If you are not willing to really hear what the authors are saying and you are going to freak out and try to punish your husband – don’t read it. But if you can read it prayerfully, with a desire to better understand your husband and to seek to bless, encourage, and support him – then I believe it will give you a lot of very powerful tools to bless your marriage and to be on your husband’s team against this addiction.

            Your husband has a lot of brokenness and sin going on in his life revolving around the way he thinks about sex – and it sounds like he is trying, in his own way, to protect you from his sin. He is trying to honor you. But you may both need some help. http://www.xxxchurch.org has lots of resources for you both.

            The issue isn’t your beauty at all. And he probably DOES think you are incredibly sexy and he probably DOES really desire you. I think it is safe to believe him about that. The issue with porn is – for most men – a totally separate issue from their love and their attraction to their wives.

            Praying for you to find the understanding you need and for God to bring healing and the resources you both need to find victory over this addiction, my precious sister!

          6. Hello there Peacefull wife.
            I got the book and I’m already half way through it.. as I read it yesterday lots of things started to make sense and I feel how some strongholds were turned down and I feel lots of sympathy for my husband and all the man out there.

            During the night I had nightmares of losing my husband and me screaming and being devastated and the feeling of wanting my life to end. (I do not really want to commit suicide) but was the feeling.
            So of course I woke up feeling like a had been run over by a train and with all of my wounds freshly oppened.

            All I want right now is a little peace, a litte light at the end of the tunel and a HUGE amount of healing.
            Today when my husband left the house to go on a serious of meetings I found myself being resentful, and feeling like he was leaving and everything else was more important than me (which is really not the deal) and this makes me feel angry at him and guilty for what Im experiencing…

            My sight, or thought of him is almost invaded by these feelings of betrayal, anger and dissapoinment, sorrow for how so many people in this world suffer on this regard and mostly just bare pain.

            Even after i prayed this morning and spent some time with God, i can’t pick myself up. I feel guilty because i know i have to be strong for him, he needs to know that I can take it… but today is just a really bad day for me.
            So here I am waiting for my cheerful husband to come and take me on a date whe had planned, but he doesn’t know his comiing home to a wife soacked in tears..

          7. Broken Hearted Wife,

            I’m so glad that the book is already helping! I hope you will continue to read to the end before trying to talk about any of this with your husband. There is a lot of helpful info about how you can support your husband and bless him as well as much hope in Christ toward the end of the book!

            How is your walk with Christ going? You probably can’t be strong in your own power – but as you cling to Him and allow Him to change and fill you up with His Spirit – you absolutely can be the godly wife God calls you to be and you can be on your husband’s team and be supportive as you both battle this issue together in unity.

            Can you turn to God’s promises, my dear sister? Like Romans 8:28-29? God is with you. You are not alone. God is good. His design for men and for women – and marriage – is good. God can help you understand your husband better. He can help your husband understand you better. This can be a springboard to greater intimacy, oneness, love, respect, and joy! Seriously!

            Read the rest of the book as soon as you can – not necessarily the FAQs if you don’t have time today – but the rest of the chapters. Pray. Seek God above all else in your life!

            I’m right here and am glad to walk beside you on this journey. This is information I wish we as women all understood as teenagers. But most of us had no idea how guys thought or what it meant that they were “visual.” But now we have more information to understand them better and to seek to bless them with this greater understanding.

            Be of good courage, my sweet sister! God is with you. He is able to empower and strengthen you as you trust fully in Him. He can and will use all of this for your ultimate good and His glory!

            Much love to you!

          8. male perspective here:
            The sexual desire of a young man is a bit of a mystery. He is wanting it often and can recover and want it again the next night. The available wife may find this a bit over whelming. She may desire some amount of restraint on his part. Without me talking to him, I cannot vouch for his groping.
            You pass by, he sees “WOMAN” and reaches out to touch you. Needs restraint. Or some amount. If he is ok in public, perhaps he can restrain at home? Perhaps speak to him respectfully that he gets, say…2 gropes per day and then he has to do chores (bathroom duty?) to get more gropes…unless he’s hurting you, then it stops. Or if he’s had his desire met in the morning, he has to wait 12 hours to get another grope…help me out here…talk to the guy about some level of restraint. I pat my wife’s behind at times but I try and do it when the kids are not looking and within reason, not too hard, not while she’s carrying a bowl of hot food, and not after a hard leg workout…and I had better give her a kiss soon after or she may think less of me. (she is great at 50 in those tight jeans) Negotiation is a good thing. Try it.

  32. Please allow my 2 cents worth;
    Fact: Some men are young and have a sex drive that is in 5th gear all day. Criticize this at your own peril.
    Some of these men are devoted Christians or at least they see Christ as THE important person in the world and they want to follow Him but sexuality is in over-drive and so they walk away from the faith because a sexual need cannot be met with the wife they have. Temptation-failure results. The man in this condition will always want to follow Christ but the physical/sexual demands in his body prevent him from doing so. His eyes rove the earth in search of sexual satisfaction. What he sees is inbred in his very creation.
    So, what is the devoted wife to do?
    hmm. Ponder. Wife gets girlfriends together to complain. She looks it up in the Bible. Talks to pastors. Goes to women’s church retreat. (and left him unsatisfied at home) The wife gathers a consensus with her 6 or so girlfriends and her mother…
    Determines and concludes her over-sexual husband to be in-the-wrong!
    end of story, go back to tending house chores.
    Later, catches husband on internet porn again.
    Continually catches him looking at women everywhere.
    He then stops being honest with the wife, stops asking for sex and drops into a depression of despair and silence and becomes a workaholic, thereby disappearing from married life. From then on his reactions to the wife are sporadic and crass.

    Alternate solution; negotiate with him for wife to become the primary sexual object he needs in order for him to; practice looking away from other women; opening up his computer web searches to the wife; exposing his phone use; praying together.
    The wife then also purchase items (within reason) that she can wear for him, at home, to get the thrill he needs. Then his satisfaction is from her, about her and to her. Sexuality for him would then be encapsulated within the marriage (right where it biblically should be). Then the wife can provide the house chore lists including back rub and tea prepared the way she likes it, etc, etc. (I do this)
    Listen wives; in our highly sexualized world there are two ways to fight this; one is to complain and get friends who agree with you. The other is to be in the fight and keep it at home where you have control. A satisfied man will not want to venture too far from home.

    ok. end of my opinion.

    1. Jeff,

      Thanks for sharing ways that wives can bless and help their husbands and for helping us understand a masculine perspective a bit more.

      All,

      This is an area where temptation can definitely get intense – for men and for women. I love the thought of husbands and wives both seeking to meet the other’s needs selflessly. If we would all do that – we would have many more really amazing marriages, in my view!

      For those whose spouse is withholding sex (which is sin – and needs to be addressed lovingly), I do believe that there is hope in Christ and that He is able to give us the power to overcome any temptation. Here is a helpful post from a 40 year old single man, “Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord.” If God can empower our single brothers and sisters to live in celibacy, I know He can also empower us as married men and women to overcome temptation. Ideally, we would be able to have fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy with our spouse – but even if we can’t, God does have the power we need to overcome. I believe this is such powerful and good news!

      I’d love to see husbands and wives be joyfully willing to engage in sex together and enjoy each other. And I’d love to see husbands and wives be joyfully willing to engage in emotional connection and even spiritual connection together, as well. Then we can be better prepared to handle temptation. But even when our spouses fail us – our Lord will not!

      1. Words of encouragement for each of us from Scripture about the power of God over any temptation in our lives, including sexual temptation and temptation to use porn or to have an emotional affair:

        No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

        When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:13-15

        Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20

        Proverbs 5 – warning against adultery

        Verses about sexual temptation

  33. I am sad to hear you left God. He hasn’t left you. Never. As far as this man, I believe you believed in the best for him. That’s what we are supposed to do. Romans 12. However, many people have hard hearts. That’s why divorce was created since Moses. In the new testament, it explains abandonment being cruel. That for me was constant with my husband not caring for the desires of my heart. This terrible neglect won’t last any longer. Its running into my kids as well. If you notice, 2 Corinthians says, if an unbeliever leaves, so be it, for who are you to be the one who saves them. In 2 Timothy it explains an abusive man will find a steeped in sin woman to bear all of his burdens, (oppressions that are demonic). In this situation, you’ll notice conditional love while we extend unconditioal love and compassion. Little does the devil know that we women are the first to hate evil bc we were first
    deceived so through the temple (church) the Commander is staked whether we get the burdens or the entire man out of our tent (womb). Don’t condemn yourself due to hard hearts sf omping on the desires of your heart. Keep wearing your armor Ephesians 6 so you can embrace our Lord Jesus Christ and his perfect love 2 John. Stand firm or you won’t stand at all Isaiah. Blessings

  34. Question, I have been married for 23 years. For most of my marriage, about 20 years, my husband has had sex with me without much foreplay and almost no touching after the act is complete he gets up washes and goes to sleep or just moves on with his day. He wants anal and talks about it all the time. I thought if I did that for him he would cuddle me. It hurt horribly I was unable to let him finish that way, but did let him finish vaginally. He got up cleaned himself and went to bed. I still feel horrible about this and used when it comes to our sex life.

    1. Barbara,

      That sounds very frustrating.

      I’m hoping you have shared with your husband that you would like to ease into things with some foreplay and how much you would enjoy cuddling afterward? If you are hurting that much, it may be necessary to let him know that this is just too painful – and to find some other things he likes that don’t hurt you. Have you communicated any of your needs and desires to him? If so, how have you attempted to talk about things?

      Much love to you!

      1. I have talked with him several times in several ways. I spoke with him in private. I try not to use words like you to eleviate blame. Once we were in bed and I tried to get him to touch me and foreplay to show him. He did for a bit but then just went ahead. I asked him several times to cuddle after but it always seems fake or like I’m pressuring him.

        1. Barbara,

          Husbands are often not very good at mind reading and may not realize all that is involved, and how much more complicated arousal is, for women. It could be great to spell things out more for him in a positive way, “you know what, Honey? I would love it if we could just spend 10-15 minutes touching each other without clothes on before we get into actually having sex. That would help me really warm up and get way into our time together.” Or you could share whatever you believe would work best for you. And you can say, “my favorite thing is when you do this…” And you can share the positions and activities you like the most. Smile at him. Maybe even flirt. It could be fun!

          1. Barbara,

            You’re welcome. It seems to me that a relaxed, friendly, playful approach may be one that a lot of husbands would be most receptive to. Praying for God’s wisdom for you! 🙂

  35. I read most of the comments hoping to find an answer, but what if your lack of sex drive is because of the lying about and awareness of your husbands pornography and sexual addiction (he also struggles with prescription addiction a year and a half into our marriage that began) He has admitted to porn a few times, one of those times is recently, I’ve begged for counseling, he’s refusing and turned away from God since our church fell apart almost 2 years ago now (doesn’t want to try or trust another church) he rejected the men from our old church who tried to hold him accountable and approach him and will masturbate up to 3 times a day on top of wanting to have sex. When I have gave in to him he then highers his expectations and wants it constantly or daily. He guilts and shames me if I can’t or am not in the mood (I have had past sexual abuse and pain with sex most of the time) We have a 18 month old that I have pretty much raised on my own and he left a month ago, I tried giving him another chance then had to tell him to leave (separate) because he has become extremely verbally and emotionally abusive in front of our son to the point where he was bending down and telling my son to his face what a horrible person I was and that I was cheating on him (I know our son can’t understand now but what about when he can) If I’m the only one trying to get help-counseling on my own I started a month ago, found a new church, raising my son alone..What are options, I’m praying, I’m continuously forgiving him and asking God to change me because I know I’ve been wrong in this time and made mistakes myself, such as hanging out with my guy friends a few times I grew up with this summer (We’re 25/26) But I have since repentanted from that and stopped, I never have cheated on him and I know I never will, I don’t have a sex drive at all! Because of all of this 🙁 I am unsure what to do. If you have wisdom, I know I can not change him, but with such an unhealthy situation I am lost, I believe I’ve heard God say a separation is ok right now, continue praying for him, he needs to be broken and allow God to work. I am doing that. I just would love further insight about sexual addiction and what I do as a wife.

    1. I’m Not Sure What to Do,

      Goodness, it sounds like an extremely painful situation. 🙁

      This sounds like there are some pretty major issues going on – where you will need one-on-one counseling and specific resources to help you heal from your own sexual abuse and to deal with your pain involving sex and also to deal with your husband’s porn and masturbation addiction.

      What is your counselor suggesting for you to do?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Have you checked out the resources available for wives in situations like this at http://www.xxxchurch.com?

      Ultimately, when separation would be necessary is something that only you can decide with God’s wisdom. There are times separation can be a very necessary step toward healing. I have a post about praying through such a difficult decision here.

      Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you, for your husband, and for your marriage, my precious sister!

  36. Just a quick comment. Ladies, I can understand that sometimes you feel groped, but April has given you several suggestions that might help.

    But please carefully consider this. There may come a time in your marriage where you long for sexual connection, but you have rejected your husband so long that he no longer even tries.

    This is an excellent article about this…http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage

      1. I have never rejected my husband sexual lyrics nor in anything else he ever wanted! This comment irritates me because I don’t believe women even married women should have to put up with being put down just to please the husband.

        1. Barb,

          I am not sure which comment you are referring to about wives being put down? I want all wives and husbands to be treated well by their spouse. It breaks God’s heart when anyone sins at all against anyone else – even in our thoughts. There are times we all – husbands and wives – mess up. And there are all times we all – husbands and wives – need forgiveness and grace.

          Hopefully if a wife is feeling insulted or sinned against she can respectfully bring that up with her husband and if he has wronged her he will apologize. I have a post about confronting our husbands about their sin that may be helpful if that is happening for any of the ladies.

          I desire to see everyone complete, whole, healed, and filled with the peace, joy, and love of Christ. Jesus is able to meet our deepest spiritual and emotional needs in ways no human ever could. I pray that God might bring healing to all on this thread who are deeply wounded.

          Much love!

  37. April,
    Gosh, you have become a very needed and useful counselor here. The focus of respect is still the same I assume.
    I would like to elude to my July post in which I suggested some valid points but there are some ladies here who are not dealing with real men, so my post would not apply at all. I also want to point out the need for longer wedding engagements (a year or so) in order to bring out some of the man’s flaws before marrying a bad person.
    I can say without a doubt that the internet has educated us all into oblivion. Men, unfortunately, have educated themselves with sexual content that their poor inexperienced bride seems to be the problem when really it is the men who are over stimulated, over-educated and over-sexual contented themselves into this oblivion.
    Here, we are talking about the ‘M’ word and the ‘A’ word and we are all blushed as well as yourself, April…I am so sorry for you to have to experience this. Share with your husband, ok?
    I wish to speak some words of encouragement here and I really feel bad for some of these sexually pressured women. I have myself tried to enjoy the presence of just being with my wife in other ways and to enjoy those times when the bedroom door is shut and mom and dad are “unavailable” for at least a couple of hours and that we do in fact cuddle in many ways so that the main event, as they say, is delayed and for good reason. I wish the church or dads or moms or whoever, could educate young couples about sex, sexual things, sexuality, etc. But I think your work here, April, is complex, controversial and in some cases inconsolable.
    Once again I feel for those ladies here who are followers of Christ and want to respect their husbands but feel alone and in some cases in pain from unwanted or strange sex acts that come from another planet. (get the meaning?)
    I plan to buy your book, soon April. Not sure if it is good to give my wife though. Sort of like giving a book on self help…the other person may not feel the same way and wonder why you gave it. I’ll reread the posts on your book-work for details.

    -Jeff

    1. Jeff,

      There is a lot of pain. Yes. 🙁 Very heartbreaking! Thank you for your compassion for wives who are hurting and who are struggling with very difficult situations.

      Thanks for your support about the book. It is a very self-introspective kind of book. Sometimes books like that are better for people to get for themselves unless they ask for a book on that topic.

  38. My husband pointed this blog out to me this morning, he was looking for ways to help me connect with other women about a topic that is always in our marriage. Groping. I am kind of a touch me not. I do not enjoy PDA except hand holding or hug. I was raised in a Godly home where that kind of stuff was private and for the marriage bed. My parents had a healthy affectionate marriage, I saw their love and also saw them respect others around them. Even in our home majority of the affection was hugging, a peck kiss, or words of endearment. I grew up installed with modest sexually and only about 2 years in H.S. did I venture into lustful acts. I was a virgin until my senior year where I shamed myself after because I felt I let God down. I knew well that I was forgiven. But I met and married a very sexual man shortly after I re-dedicated my body back to the Lord.

    Here we are married for 16 years with a lot of baggage. He cheated for majority of our marriage with me only finding out right before our 10 year anniversary. He is a soldier and had lost a family member as a young teen so he used sex to fill any void or to self medicate from his PTSD. We sought counseling and separated for a bit. I chose to forgive and allow God to heal our marriage. But things have never been the same. He cheated so much then that he didnt pay me much attention, or seek sexual interaction unless he wasnt getting it from somewhere else. I was also mistreated with called names and belittled for my modesty in the bedroom. He really only wanted me when he was drunk and then it wasnt romantic or loving. He is a good man now and God has chanhed him so much, but I still struggle with the hurt and distrust. The problem now that he isnt getting his fix ourside of our marriage he is constantly sexually driven. Groping, talking sexually to me, and always wanting X daily. I can’t do this all the time. My body gets sore and I dont always feel like it is love based but more a need for him physically, that he is trying to fill or keep him from cheating…

    I love him and want to be emotionally and physically connected, but I dont want to feel like it is all about his needs. I dont want to be a “fill” or even deal with his love lanuage, that same love language that destroyed my heart, trust, and defiled our marriage bed. I want him to control his sexuality and be more in tune to me. I need filling. I need emotional connection, I am at the point where I dont want to be submissive or supportive of his needs until he starts worrying about mine. I know that sounds selfish, but he always gets his way and does what he wants and I always have to be the one there reminding him he is loved. What about those of us that are in mending marriages and need to be shown love first before we can give it. Any advice? Anyone going through this like me? I love him and God and want to be a good wife, but Satan keeps bringing back up that it is all about him (husband) and that I just am beneath him in God’s eyes and have to be submissive because to be a good Christian wife means that he is the lead of our family and over me. I am called not to withold my body from him, or the devil will have a foothold, but sometimes I feel like the devil does more work in our sex life than God’s mercy and forgiveness is. In my heart at least.

    1. Other Side of Groping,

      Goodness! What a difficult and painful situation you have been in, my sister. 🙁

      His cheating has been completely stopped the past 6 years?

      Have y’all been working with any counselors to help you both heal, to figure out how to forgive, to help you rebuild trust and rebuild a healthy marriage that is completely different from the dynamics before?

      How is he doing with being transparent and trustworthy and with seeking to meet your needs for emotional connection and safety?

      This article was not intended for couples who are dealing with infidelity or sex addiction. However, there is healing available for you both in Christ. 🙂

      Would you be interested in doing a general spiritual check up with me? In my view, a wife must be healed in Christ and filled to overflowing with Him first, before she can really see clearly to address issues in her husband’s life from a position of strength in Christ. I have a feeling that you still have some spiritual healing to do and that you may have an unhealthy definition of “submission” that it means you have less value than your husband in God’s eyes or that you have no voice or have to be a slave rather than a grown adult with her own free will?

      Yes, Satan would love to destroy you, your husband, and your marriage. I would be glad to point you to Christ and His healing truth if you would like.

      But I believe that the place we will need to start is with your heart and your walk with Christ. That is where the real healing is.

      Much love!
      April

      PS:
      Are you familiar with the resources at http://www.xxxchurch.org for those struggling with porn and sex addictions and their spouses? May also be helpful.

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