****This post has my ideas and suggestions to consider. I am not a therapist, a counselor, or a pastor. Decide what is best for you. I am not saying I have all the answers. This is the beginning of a discussion. And it is in a situation where I know the wife is safe. There is no infidelity or pornography addiction going on. If you have SERIOUS issues in your marriage – infidelity, abuse, addictions, uncontrolled mental health disorders – please seek godly, experienced help! Thanks!
From a wife:
My husband gropes me and makes crude comments to me about wanting me sexually. It makes me feel like a piece of meat. How can I respond respectfully to that?
Sometimes because men and women are so very different (including our needs for connection and ways we approach each other), we can sometimes assume our husbands have evil motives toward us when they really don’t. We can misread their intentions in negative ways. Especially when we are not feeling very emotionally/spiritually connected. I believe that you may be able to learn to hear your husband differently.
Most husbands are NOT saying that you are “just a piece of meat” to him when they come on to their wives like this. (Yes, I am sure there can be exceptions)
- He is most likely saying that he loves you, that he wants you, that he desires you and wants to connect as deeply as possible with you – those are really, really good things.
- Men often view sex with their wives as a very spiritual, emotional, and physical thing.
- Sex is often the deepest way many men desire to show and receive love with their wives.
DID YOU KNOW?
Men often have a big oxytocin rush right after sex?
That is the bonding hormone that nursing mothers have so much of that bonds us emotionally with our babies. Women have higher levels of oxytocin then men all the time -much higher levels. It’s a big part of why we can be so nurturing. But we also get hits of oxytocin with love letters and long, deep, face-to-face conversations.
Many men feel MOST spiritually and emotionally connected to their wives during sex in marriage.
Men usually connect sexually FIRST in marriage then they are more open to emotional/spiritual connection. Women are the opposite, usually. We usually need to connect spiritually/emotionally first to be ready to connect sexually.
That is kind of a recipe for a disaster if we are not careful because we are so different. It helps if each spouse tries to stretch to meet the other’s need first many times. This is part of how God uses marriage to make us holy and selfless.
I would love for you to think of it as you are ministering sexually to him and promoting the glue and bonding that God designed sex to be on every level in your marriage. And realize that he may be much more open to emotional and spiritual connection when he is feeling sexually connected.
I do not at all intend to say that sex is the only time a man can bond with a woman. Or that men are slaves to hormones. My hope is to help us see that just like certain things often help us feel bonded (cuddling, love letters, talking, talking and more talking) – sex can be a really important way that our husbands want to bond with us on a level that is much deeper than just sexual.
I love the way this man described bonding for men. HOW BEAUTIFUL!
WHEN HE FLIRTS and GROPES IN A WAY THAT YOU DON’T LIKE
Some things that other wives have tried are to
- Accept his flirting graciously whenever possible.
- One of the most alluring traits of femininity is our openness to our men – our openness to their desire for us, our willingness to respond to their ideas, their desire for us, their attraction to us and their overtures towards us.
- Maybe say something like, “Aw! I’m glad you can’t keep your hands off of me.” 😉
- If you really hate the method he is using, maybe you could find a flirty way to ask for what you might like better.
- Tell him an approach that you find to be more appealing. ie:
- “I really love it when you come up behind me and put your hands around my waist and hold me when I am doing the dishes. That just makes me melt into you and relax.”
- “I really love it when/if you take my hand and start slow dancing with me in the laundry room/kitchen. That turns me on!”
- “I like it when you play with my hair and tell me the things you love about me. I feel week in the knees when you do that!”
- Maybe whisper, “Can I tell you a little secret? I really love it when you do X for me.”
- Smile at him and say something flirty and sexy back to him and be thankful that your man wants you and thinks you are hot. 🙂
- Gently put his hands where you would prefer them to be and smile at him.
- Be sure to be extra appreciative whenever he approaches you in a more refined way and tell him how much you like what he said/did.
- Try initiating flirting yourself sometimes. Then maybe you can set the tone and control the way things play out a bit more.
- Realize that his approach toward you may be the way he would like you to approach him. He probably doesn’t know that groping is not a turn on for you.
- Also recognize that he may not have any idea how differently you are wired as a woman and what would be more enticing to you. He may not understand that you need time, emotional connection, and foreplay before you are ready for him to touch those really sensitive areas. So you can share these things with him respectfully, gently, and in a positive, friendly, welcoming way.
- If it continues, you may need to be more firm. But you don’t have to be hateful. You can say, “I really don’t like that. Please stop. I would love this approach instead…”
YOU CAN ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED!
When your husband is groping you and making sexual comments towards you, instead of being offended – I wonder what might happen if you show a willingness to want to say yes to him in an appropriate time and place (unless he is involved in an affair or truly being abusive).
If you are not feeling spiritually/emotionally connected enough to have sex at the time – some ideas that could be helpful might be:
- “I want to say yes to you. If you can help me relax for a few minutes, I’m all yours!” (a massage, a hot bath, help with chores, etc.. then be sure to be available to him after he helps you!)
- “I love it when you want me like that. I need to get myself simmering – I would love to talk for about 15 minutes and cuddle and give me a chance to warm up and feel emotionally connected to you. Then you can have me!”
- Flirt back with him, and then say with dramatic flair, “If ONLY I didn’t have SO much to do tonight! I REALLY want to make some time for US. 😉 If the dishwasher fairy happens to come take care of the dishes while I get the kids to bed, that sure would give me a lot more time to change into something interesting.”
- Stop what you are doing when he gropes you and give him all of your attention. SMILE at him. Pull him close to you. Tell him what you want to do with him and give him something amazing to dream about until you have time to be together.
- If you are not in a sexual mood whatsoever – think about what might get you into that mood and ask him for that. Or ask him if you can spend the first 15-20 minutes just kissing and cuddling so you have time to warm up a bit and really focus on all the things you admire and love about your man. Be really present with him. Tell him what you like without condemning or bashing him.
- Give him ideas about what might please you. When he flirts with you, you could say, “You know, I have been cooking up this little fantasy – and I would really love it if you would do X with me.”
- Wear things you know he loves to see you in sometimes. Fix your hair and makeup the way he likes it whenever you can. Let him know he matters to you and his preferences are important to you.
THE WIFE’S RESPONSE TO ME:
After sitting here a while pondering your reply I have decided that my prayer needs to be this – that the Lord would allow me to really hear my husband’s heart in this area, that it would be louder than Satan’s lies about my limitations and failures.
- You’ll discover quite a lot about how men think and feel in Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only (she has a new version coming out March 19th!)
- His Brain Her Brain by Dr. Walt Larimore. I think you will find that your husband is showing his love for you, it doesn’t sound to me like he is trying to be insensitive. He is just overcome with his desire and attraction for you – not just your body – but ALL of you. That is a great thing! 🙂
- www.oysterbed7.com – a Christian wife’s blog for women with low libido or who are feeling hurt and disconnected in their marriages and there is a lot of turmoil over sex.
- www.forgivenwife.com – a wife who used to refuse her husband sexually often, but whom God has changed. Her marriage and sex life has been healed by God. She ministers to wives who tend to try to withhold or restrict sex in marriage.
- Withholding Sex in Marriage – 5 minute video by Peacefulwife
- Being Available to Our Husbands VS Marital Rape – 10 minute video by Peacefulwife
- If you are dealing with a husband with a porn addiction, that is a very different situation, please check out the resources at www.xxxchurch.com.