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“I Want to Follow my Husband. What if He Doesn’t Lead? How Can I Inspire His Leadership?”

“I’M THE SPIRITUALLY MATURE ONE, I HAVE TO LEAD”

It is a VERY tough position to be in to want to be close to God, to want to obey God and to feel like you can’t follow your husband.

  • You may long for him to lead a family devotion time, or prayer time.
  • You may want him to be the one to tell the children why it’s important to go to church or to plan out character lessons to teach each child.
  • You may want him to work with the kids on memory verses.
  • You may wish that your husband spent more time with the family and not so much time at work.
  • You may feel like you HAVE to take over the leadership role because it doesn’t seem like he wants it.
  • You might be praying every single day for God to change your husband and cause him to be more like Christ.
  • You may feel like your husband isn’t as close to God as he should be.
  • Maybe you don’t see him praying.
  • Maybe you are in charge of the finances and working full time and keeping the house and taking care of the children and it seems like an unfair majority of the burden is on your shoulders.
  • Maybe you ask your husband to help you, but he just ignores you and keeps watching tv.
  • Maybe you tell him how unhappy you are and what you need and it feels like you are talking to a wall.
  • Maybe you try to draw near to him and tell him about your pain so he will see how much you hurt and fix it, and he gets REALLY angry and lashes out at you and begins talking about your faults.
  • Maybe you ask for your husband’s input or decision-making and he just never answers or says the dreaded, “I don’t know” phrase or he ignores you, or just tells you to do whatever you want and you feel like he doesn’t care and isn’t plugged in to the family and the marriage.

“GOD’S DESIGN WON’T WORK IN MY SITUATION”

If these things sound familiar to you – you are not alone! Many wives feel like this and struggle daily with these same issues. Yes, this situation is extremely discouraging and you may think that your husband just doesn’t love you anymore or that following your husband’s leadership just isn’t possible in your case. You might think he can’t lead the family. You might just write him off as not being able to ever “man-up” and take care of family responsibilities. You might be wondering why God isn’t answering your prayers? Why isn’t your husband changing? You are praying clearly for God’s will – a godly husband who is a strong, Christ-like leader for your family. Why on earth have your prayers gone unanswered for months or years or decades? Why doesn’t God hear?

Precious, beautiful wife, I obviously don’t know your situation. But God does! There is GREAT HOPE in Christ!!!!

There are several very central, CRITICAL truths I have learned as a Christian and as a wife that have changed my life and my marriage that I want to share (with my husband’s whole-hearted approval) with wives who might be in a similar place to where I was years ago:

  • GOD IS SOVEREIGN – EVEN OVER MY MARRIAGE, EVEN OVER MY HUSBAND, AND OVER MY LIFE.
  • I CANNOT CHANGE MY HUSBAND AND MAKE HIM MORE LIKE CHRIST. I can aggravate him, push him away from God, make him want to be far away from me and make us both miserable by trying to change him, make him dread being in the same room with me, but I cannot change him – not for the better! I am not the Holy Spirit!
  • GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE MY HUSBAND – HIS WAY AND HIS TIMING IS BEST.
  • MY JOB IS TO OBEY GOD ON MY END AND NOT WORRY ABOUT MY HUSBAND’S SIDE OF THE EQUATION, BUT TRUST GOD AND DO MY PART.
  • WHEN I DO OBEY GOD AS A WIFE, I OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF THE POWERS OF HEAVEN TO WORK IN MYSELF, MY MARRIAGE, MY HUSBAND AND OUR CHILDREN.
  • MY OBEDIENCE CAN REALLY SPEED UP THE PROCESS FOR GOD TO CHANGE MY HUSBAND.
  • MY DISOBEDIENCE CAN KEEP MY HUSBAND FROM HEARING GOD’S VOICE AND CAN PUSH MY HUSBAND AWAY FROM ME AND FROM GOD.
  • I HAVE A FOREST OF TREES IN MY OWN EYE THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED BEFORE I COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SPECK IN MY HUSBAND’S EYE.
  • I CAN DO NOTHING GOOD APART FROM CHRIST AND HIS POWER WORKING IN ME.
  • I AM UTTERLY SINFUL AND WRETCHED ON MY OWN.
  • I NEED TO LIVE IN HUMILITY WITH A VERY REAL AWARENESS OF THE MAGNITUDE OF MY OWN FAULTS AND HOW SMALL AND IMPOTENT I AM AND HOW HUGE, POWERFUL, SOVEREIGN, ALL-KNOWING, WISE, LOVING, MERCIFUL, FORGIVING AND HOLY GOD IS!

SELF EVALUATION TIME

Whew! This stuff is ugly. I don’t really enjoy this part, but unless we open up our own souls and allow God’s Word to shine in there to the darkest corners, we can’t move on to the great stuff.  This is where we learn to “die to self” and live for Christ. I would like for you to consider some things and whether or not these may be possibilities in your heart and in your marriage as we think about the issue of your husband’s leadership in your home. We are only going to look at ourselves as wives in this exercise and how we may be contributing to the success or failure of our husband’s leadership in our marriages. Please stop and pray and ask God to give you insight and wisdom into your own heart and life, as well as conviction wherever it is needed from His perspective. Please meditate and pray about how many of the following may apply to you and your marriage – many applied in mine, but not all –  (if you are dealing with an active addict, someone chronically unfaithful, a hardened criminal, or someone with an uncontrolled mental health disorder – please get godly, experienced help ASAP! Following a husband in these cases could be very dangerous. Safety for you and your children is the priority if you are in a physically abusive situation!!):

  • If I ask my husband to make a decision, and he doesn’t give me a “real” answer within 5-30 minutes, I get angry.
  • I yell at my husband, throw things at him, and call him horrible names.
  • I attack my husband’s character when we argue.
  • If my husband asks me to do something I don’t like or don’t agree with, I refuse to go along with him. I will only follow if he leads where I want to go.
  • If my husband comes up with an idea or plan, I find fault with his thinking and his solutions and tell him that his way won’t work, only my way will.
  • I criticize my husband’s opinions, preferences, tastes, wardrobe, hair style, hobbies, thoughts, suggestions, and plans.
  • I react negatively when my husband tries to help me. He just doesn’t load the dishwasher right, or change the baby’s diaper right, or fold the laundry right. He never hears me praise him and say, “Thank you SO much for the help!” He only hears me say, “I’m going to have to redo it all the RIGHT way!” Or “Why can’t you ever get it right?” or “That is C+ work, not A material.” Or “You’re not doing it right!”
  • If my husband tries to please me, what he does is never enough, I always want more than what he delivered.
  • I frown at my husband a lot.
  • I sound angry, frustrated, impatient, and like I am reprimanding and scolding a naughty little boy many times when I speak to my husband.
  • My facial expressions, my tone of voice, my words sound condemning of my husband often.
  • I act disrespectfully towards my husband to show him that he needs to pull his weight more and love me more and to show him how unhappy I am.
  • I withhold physical intimacy with my husband to punish him.
  • My husband often rejects me physically – it feels like I am pursuing him and it seems like he has lost his attraction for me.
  • My husband tends to ignore me a lot.
  • I feel very lonely, like the whole weight of the entire marriage and family is on my shoulders alone. I feel overwhelmed by all that has to be done.
  • I have to take over leadership because my husband won’t lead.
  • I have very specific ideas about what a husband’s leadership should be and my husband is not meeting my standards.
  • I am always “right” and I make sure my husband knows that he is always wrong. My way is best. I know best what our family and marriage needs.
  • I don’t trust my husband’s ideas.
  • If I let my husband be in charge he’d destroy our lives.
  • I think my husband’s ideas are ridiculous.
  • I don’t think my husband can be an effective leader.
  • I think my husband is an overgrown boy.
  • I have to correct my husband when he is talking with other people or he gets things wrong.
  • I have to tell my husband what to do or he does nothing.
  • I’m very intelligent, strong-willed, perfectionistic, opinionated, and possibly some family members might say I could be “controlling.”
  • Thinking of yielding my control makes me have a panic attack. THE WORLD WILL FALL APART IF I AM NOT IN CHARGE!
  • I am exhausted from trying to take care of everything myself all the time. I don’t relax.
  • I resent my husband for relaxing and taking time for himself to recharge.
  • I cannot or will not forgive my husband for how he has hurt me in the past.

WHAT ARE MY IDEAS DOING TO MY MARRIAGE?

If some of these statements resonate with you – and you may or may not have been consciously aware that these are the things you have been thinking – I’d like for us to consider some things together. These may be kind of shocking to you. They may not all apply, but the ones that do apply to you definitely need to be dealt with between you and God.

  • Many of these ideas have a VERY prideful origin. “I know best.” “I know better than he does.” And it might even be, “I know better than God does.” THAT IS HUGE PRIDE! This is some of the most repulsive, nasty, cancerous sin from God’s perspective. I had to confess DUMP TRUCK LOADS of my own pride to God for a long, long time to begin to get my perspective straightened out and really see what God saw in me.
  • When the wife puts herself in charge (even if she thinks she “has” to – unless there is serious illness or an extended absence of the husband in the home), and takes over the husband’s God-given place of authority in the marriage, husbands usually either react with great anger or by unplugging completely and letting the wife be in control by herself. Husbands who feel steam-rolled by their wives are not going to sit there and take it. They go as far away physically and emotionally as they can or they fight and fight to the death for their honor.
  • Most of the sentiments above contain a large dose of DISRESPECT for our husbands. Disrespect isn’t really talked about much in our culture anymore. God commands wives to respect their husbands (I Peter 3 and Ephesians 5:22-33) and we may think that we are doing fine with that verse and easily gloss over one of the most critical components of a successful marriage – genuine respect for our husbands. I read that verse plenty of times and checked off, “Yep! I’m doing that!” and moved on through the rest of the chapter. I had no idea that there was an entire world of respect that I was totally unaware of. I had no idea how many seemingly insignificant comments and remarks I made, and the tone of my voice conveyed an almost constant disrespect to my husband. I HAD NO IDEA THAT I WAS WOUNDING MY HUSBAND AND BRINGING MISERY ON BOTH OF US! I always thought HE needed to change. I didn’t have a clue that my disrespect and my controlling attitudes were destroying our marriage. THAT WAS A BLOW THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY. It sent me reeling for days at first. Then I decided that I was going to study respect and submission and become the best wife I could possibly be! I was so thankful there was something I COULD CONTROL and do to make things better!
  • Is it possible that your husband may feel so beaten down, so criticized, so condemned, so hated and so much like a failure that he has given up even attempting to lead? Every time he tried to lead, my way was better. Whenever he suggested something, I had all the answers and he was wrong. When he had an idea, it wasn’t good enough. Eventually he realized that there was no point trying to lead someone who “is always right.” OUCH! He NEVER said anything. He never said he felt disrespected. He couldn’t verbalize the problem. I had a toxic, critical, judgmental, un-forgiving, ungodly, negative attitude that is poisoning our marriage.
  • Especially Christian women tend to have very high expectations of husbands as leaders. We often expect them to lead Bible studies and prayer sessions out loud in our families. We expect them to know more of the Bible than we do. We expect them to talk about spiritual things a lot. We expect to see them studying their Bibles and praying on their own for hours every week. We want them to initiate prayer time with us every night. Unless your husband had a lot of experience praying out loud, he may not be comfortable praying out loud even in front of you – ESPECIALLY if you come across as being more spiritually mature than he is and as being better with words and knowing the Bible more than he does. He may be intimidated by you. He may feel like a spiritual failure compared to you. Maybe our expectations are unrealistic? Maybe our husbands lead in a lot of ways that we don’t acknowledge or even notice. It takes many years, even decades for a lot of men to learn to be strong spiritual leaders. We can be extremely impatient with our men and destroy their ability and desire to grow as leaders. If I really am more mature, I will be patient and not try to pressure or force things. I will remember I Peter 3:1 – Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.
  • Is it possible that my husband sees me as being “holier-than-thou?”
  • Men need encouragement, praise, admiration, a cheerleader, someone to say when they are doing things right! THEN they will have the courage to forge ahead into the unknown and intimidating world of leadership and try new things and grow stronger. He has to know he has my unwavering support and faith. He has to know that if he makes a mistake, I am not going to make a big deal of it. He has to know I trust him. THEN he will grow and become so much more the godly man that God desires him to be.
  • Sometimes husbands lead in subtle ways. They forgive easily. They don’t hold grudges. They are patient. They try to do what is best for the family. They continue to give of themselves even when their efforts are not appreciated. They have talks with the children about their attitudes and behavior. They try to help out when we are sick. They are generous. They are kind. They are faithful to us. They work hard to provide for the family financially – this is one of THE BIGGEST ways that most husbands try to show their love and leadership. They live with integrity. They try to do what is right. They show respect to others. I can learn to appreciate all that he does right and not try to put him in a little box of my specific expectations.
  • Maybe he DOES try to lead – or maybe he used to try. But whenever he would lead in a way that you didn’t agree with, you wouldn’t follow. That’s what I did, too! After a few years of leading and no one following, understandably, a lot of men give up.
  • If I am disrespecting the spiritual authority of my husband over me and trying to go around him to God to complain about my husband – God will not be pleased! My disobedience will grieve the heart of God more than my view on my husband’s lack of leadership abilities. My critical, judgmental, disrespectful attitude towards my husband means that I also have a critical, judgmental, disrespectful attitude towards the One that put my husband over our marriage. God does not hear my prayers when they are steeped in sin, pride, judgment and lack of respect for God-given authority!!!!
  • My faith in God is small. My understanding of God and picture of Him is small.
  • I may be committing idolatry by putting myself in God’s place and trying to be God in my life.

GET ON GOD’S PATH

If your husband has given up trying to be the leader in the marriage – you can give him the beautiful gift of your submission to his leadership! You can make things right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here are a few things you may want to do to begin to get back on track (pray and see if these might apply to you or if God might show you other ideas that fit your situation and marriage):

  • Confess to your husband what you did wrong and apologize. HUSBANDS ONLY REALLY NEED/WANT A SINCERE APOLOGY ONE TIME!!!!!!! “I realize now that I have taken over the leadership role of our marriage and I am WRONG for doing this! I have sinned against God and against you and our family. I apologize for not following your leadership. I’m so glad that God gave you the position of authority over me and over our family. I am stepping down and I want to support your decisions and trust you to do what is best for us from now on.”
  • Accept your husband for the man he is right now today even if he NEVER changes!!!
  • I am responsible to God for my own sanctification, growing in Christ. I don’t have to wait on my husband to help me grow or wait for him to “catch up.” If I am really growing in my relationship with Christ, I will be humble towards my husband and towards God and let them work out my husband’s spiritual growth. I will concentrate only on my own spiritual maturity and I WILL BE PRETTY QUIET ABOUT SPIRITUAL THINGS if this is a difficult area for my husband. I will let my husband see my joy in Christ, my humility before my husband, my respectful attitude and willingness to follow where he leads… THAT is what will help make my husband hunger for God!
  • Make decisions for yourself about things you are doing, eating, wearing, how you spend your time, but let him make his own decisions for himself and let him make decisions for the family.
  • Uphold his decisions in front of the children.
  • Speak and act respectfully towards him. Ask if you are in doubt, “Is this respectful?” “Was I just disrespectful?”
  • Listen when he talks to you – put down what you are doing and listen like you are interested.
  • Be encouraging about his ideas. Try not to squash his creativity, plans and ideas. Let him have room to think, dream and plan.
  • Don’t tell him what to do – if he asks, you can offer your perspective humbly.
  • Praise him whenever he leads the family, even in the smallest of ways, and does a good job!!!! THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT! You will help him build confidence in his abilities. If he hasn’t ever been the leader, be patient, it will be baby-steps but that’s fine!
  • If he makes a decision, back him (unless he’s asking you to sin) and support him graciously, joyfully, cheerfully. You may tell him your needs and desires and your feelings, but ultimately the decision is up to him. God gives him insight and wisdom he doesn’t give to you. This is about trusting God to lead you through your husband – it is about your faith in God!!!
  • Get rid of negativity!!!
  • Ideally, give him the finances – or at least give him the ultimate responsibility for the finances and think of yourself more as the secretary if you must pay the bills. It often works SO much better when I am not telling him what to do and how to spend money.
  • If he decides to give you something, take you out to eat, go on a spontaneous vacation, SMILE, accept graciously and don’t question if he should or should not give wonderful things to you. Say, “Thank you! You are SO generous! You’re such a wonderful husband!”
  • Even if you feel like he is “leading you nowhere” – that is ok! At one point, I prayed, “God, I am willing to sit RIGHT HERE spiritually and geographically and never move another inch if this is where you want me. I trust You to lead me through my husband. I am NOT going to run ahead anymore. I will patiently wait on You if I sit here until I am 80!” It’s funny, it wasn’t long after I adopted that attitude that things began to go full-throttle!
  • Thank God for your husband’s leadership and spiritual authority over you daily.
  • Thank your husband for his leadership and spiritual authority over you – even if he is not a believer! Even if he is an immature Christian! God said the husband IS the head of the wife in Ephesians 5:22 – take God at His Word and thank God for His provision for you. God can and will use even a non-believer or a very immature husband to lead a believing wife who trusts in Him!
  • Have a willing spirit to be led by your husband and by God.

Maybe none of these things apply to your marriage, if so, I pray that God will direct you to the resources you need to apply to your situation. But if some of these things have been eye-opening for you, I’d encourage you to repent and commit to seeking God’s face and His will in your life and your marriage starting today!

I believe it is God’s plan to teach husbands to be effective, humble, servant-leaders in the world by learning to be a leader at home first. I believe that God desires to use the respect, admiration and cooperation of godly wives to shape men and instruct them in leadership in marriage. God CAN use your willing spirit to help mold and influence your husband if your heart is right with God and you are respectful of the God-given position of authority God gave your husband. What a high calling! We will also be influencing our children and showing them how to have a godly marriage – AND our obedience to God will draw many others to Christ!!!!!! MUCH IS AT STAKE HERE! I pray we act wisely and in full obedience and surrender to God.

Lord,

I know this is a very tough and very painful subject! You know how many tears I cried myself over these issues for so many years in my own marriage. My heart breaks with wives who are anxious, afraid, lonely, overwhelmed and scared to make these changes. I pray that You might show each wife how to take that step of faith and trust You to work through our husbands for our good and Your glory! Help us to see that You will catch us and that what seems so terrifying is actually a gateway to peace and the life we have always longed for. Give us girlfriends to encourage and sustain us! Give us prayer partners to pray with us. Help us desire to obey You even when we don’t completely want to and don’t understand Your wisdom. Help us trust You with all our hearts, minds, souls and strength! Open the floodgates of heaven on the women who have the courage to obey You in this area of following their husbands’ leadership! Let them see Your miracles! Let them find the beautiful place that this painful path brings us to – a place of joy, love, peace, hope, deep intimacy with You and with our husbands and abundant life! Don’t let Satan retain a stronghold in our hearts any longer! Let us sincerely repent of our sin! Let us turn to Your ways and begin the adventure of following You each day, anticipating all the wonderful things You will do to provide for us, protect us, and guide us through our husbands. Thank You for Your design for marriage! Help us to embrace Your wisdom and learn it and live it and then teach it to other wives! Use us to greatly bless our husbands, marriages and children. And use us to greatly bless the world with the fragrance, salt and light of Christ!

Amen!

89 thoughts on ““I Want to Follow my Husband. What if He Doesn’t Lead? How Can I Inspire His Leadership?”

  1. I just want to say how thankful I am now that these things have grown to be so distasteful for me! Thank you Jesus that you have changed my heart so much so that I can see the error in these ways of thinking! After years of frustration that my husband just seemed absent from our home, he confided in me that I left no room for him in our home. I took over everything and he didn’t feel any room for him to contribute, much less lead. Laying down the control and desire to do things “my way” is one of the greatest things I’ve done for my marriage and our family. It may not always be the way I want it, but I’m not the only one in this relationship with wants and needs. His may be different than mine, but he has them. Thanks for another extremely pertinent post!

  2. I love this post April! It really sums things up for me, the things I did wrong in my marriage and why I’m now separated from my husband. I truly can’t wait until God gives the signal for me to begin ministering to my husband with all the things I have and am learning during this time of separation…I am just about bursting with excitement for what the future holds…and am (not so patiently) waiting for that signal…when my husband makes contact with me again! Thank you so much for all your teaching and support. xx

    1. Suzi,
      You are very welcome! I am excited about what God has in store for you, too! I’m glad you are looking at this time as a time of learning and training and growing so you can be prepared. 🙂

  3. I have been trying to be more respectful and submissive to my husband for over 4yrs now; then I found your blog through a fb group and realized I have so much work to do. I never realized all the ways I am disrespectful to my husband. After this week, I’m starting to wonder if I’m even getting anywhere on this journey.

    1. Proud2bmykswife,
      I am so glad to meet you!

      There is MUCH, MUCH more to all of this than most women could ever begin to fathom when they first looked at these concepts. It can be overwhelming sometimes! It’s much like learning a very foreign language – it takes time and a lot of practice.

      You may want to check out my blog timeline and read the post from 9-19 and 9-23 and also the post at the top of my home page “101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband by MintheGap”

      Then I would love for you to get back with me and tell me where you believe you are getting hung up and I will be very happy to walk with you on this journey and tackle things together!

      How does that sound?

      And, if you would like me to add you to my prayer list and have our prayer team pray for you, I can do that, too!

  4. This is a great re-cap April. Thank you for your guidance and encouragement on this journey! This week I will really be focusing on Dying to self (my rpide and fussing over all the little things I WANT) and accepting my husband exactly how he is, and being GRATEFUL and praying for him! I realize the only way to continue to move forward is to really put all my trust in God and to do what is right just because God has proven he has a plan, and He knows best for me!!

  5. Hi April! This are some of the most edifying, God inspired information I have read. Once more, I’m thankful that God’s mercy and grace led me to your blog.

  6. This totally hit the nail on the head for me. My big hang up is church. We are Catholic, it is very important to me to attend mass every Sunday and that my children participate at church. My husband was not raised in faith as I was and it is important to me that I teach my children the way of Christ. My husband does not even say night time prayers with me and the children. We never pray as a complete family. If I give him total control, I feel that he would no longer feel that we should attend church. I’m at a loss.

  7. I was seeking God’s guidance on these very issues and He brought me to this blog. Thank you. From this day forward Lord, I repent and will follow my husband’s lead!

  8. Thanks so much for sharing these thoughts with the world. It is so reassuring to know that these struggles are very common among Christian wives. The points you make completely sum up my marriage and my greatest challenge at present – allowing my husband space to lead when I’m reluctant to relinquish control, especially when it comes to parenting our young baby. My main fear is that he won’t take the leadership role and that nothing will ever get done. I know this is polluted thinking and that it needs to change. Your practical advice is just what I needed to read tonight and has been an answer to prayer – God bless you.

    1. Natalie,

      You are so very welcome!
      I have a LOT of posts like this. Yes, these are very common struggles – we all are daughters of Eve and tend to want to take control of our husbands. That doesn’t work!! Thankfully, God has given us instructions – we just have to be willing to trash the world’s ways and focus on His Word.

      You can search my home page for “lead” “leadership” and find a number of other posts about this issue.

      And here is one about “Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers”

      Let me know if you need anything! 🙂

      Much love!
      April

  9. Stumbled on this and book marked it. What a struggle! I praise my husband for managing to keep his job and for not cheating on me. ALL of his free time is spent reading Web comics or watch movie/TV. We have 2 children that he ignores. I, of course, am ignored. It’s really, REALLY hard to respect someone who tells you the children are a “waste of time, energy and resources.” Pretty sure he feels the same about me. Been praying and trying for almost 7 years, and it keeps getting harder. I feel like I’m giving and Giving and getting nothing in return except screamed at if I try and talk to him while he’s watching something. He is literally the only adult person in my life, so I have no one. Very painful, but I do know I have a lot to take care of. Thanks for the post. Wonderful.

    1. Am,
      I am so sorry that things are so painful right now. 🙁

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      If you get a chance, you may want to check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission as well as spiritual authority and a husband’s and a wife’s authority in marriage.

      I’m glad to talk any time you want or need to!

      The key here is going to be focusing on your walk with Jesus. It is all about Him. 🙂

      You may also like the post “From Clark Kent to Superman”

      Was your husband always this involved in TV and the internet?

      How do you respond when you feel ignored and feel your children are ignored?

      I used to feel the same way about my husband. In my particular case, he “ignored me” because I was actually very disrespectful to him and didn’t realize it. So, he withdrew, shut down and became very passive and unplugged to protect himself.

      My husband talks about how he used to feel in my interview with him here.

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you! 🙂

  10. I am speechless!!!! This has truly opened my eyes spiritually. It’s me Oh Lord standing in the need of prayer. Lol! My husband loves the Lord and me dearly however I feel at times that I’m leading us spiritually and it angers :O me. After reading this article I realize the importance of being grateful of how he does lead and take responsibility. It’s not that bad after all:-) Thank you for this god sent reminder! God bless ALL of you and I will continue to pray for you! Remember that abuse of any form is NOT the will of our Father Jesus Christ!

    1. Cherita,

      It is wonderful to meet you! I am so excited that God is speaking to you through this post. Can’t wait to see what He has in store for you, your marriage and your husband. Any sin is against God’s will, absolutely.

      Much love!
      April

  11. I had an argument with my husband tonight and I really just wanted to give up on us, it discouraged me so much. I found this blog and read through it all. Thank you for being used by God to write this! I feel so ashamed for my way of thinking and how I have behaved. I realise now that my husband is actually leading me and the kids… I just haven’t acknowledged his actions, but rather been focusing on what he doesn’t do. I need a new heart and new spirit within me. There is no doubt that I now understand that the CHANGE needs to be made in ME! Not my husband.
    Thank you so much for your words!
    Praise The Lord!
    -Michelle

  12. I feel like this post was written based on my marriage. We are in the process of converting to Christianity. I’d been feeling a major void in my life, trying to fill it with meaningless, materialistic things. After consulting with friends, I realized it was a God hole. Something only He could fill.

    My marriage also has a hole. I spend so much time nagging and disrespecting my husband that I’ve driven him away. He isn’t interested in hearing me talk, he won’t share his feelings, I get “I don’t care” and “whatever makes you happy” a lot. Our intimate life has even suffered.

    While I’m still working on letting go and letting God fill the hole in my life, I now know where I can start to fill the hole in my marriage. Thank you so much!

    1. Megan,
      I am thrilled that you are seeking to know and love God! That is wonderful!

      I believe you will find many posts here to help get you pointed in the right direction with God and your husband. 🙂
      You will also find a loving, encouraging group of women here who will bless you on this journey.

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!!!!!! 🙂

      Much love,
      April

  13. Why does it always seem to be the wives doing the introspection, and giving the willingness to change and be changed? And it’s the same with simple things like something needing fixing in the home. We both see it and as a woman I accept that the man of the house will do something. But after months have passed I end up fixing it or asking someone to fix it. Things just becomes too much sometimes. I am no fairy princess and growing tired of pulling so much weight alone.

    1. Des,
      It’s great to hear from you. 🙂

      I only write for wives – I don’t write for husbands at all. So I don’t address husbands. Obviously, husbands do have many obligations, duties and responsibilities before God, as well – more than wives, in fact.

      Sometimes it is a matter of differing priorities. I have experienced the same thing – where my husband was completely renovating our house. Some things that I wanted to be done first, were not his priority. I sometimes had to wait. A lot.

      As my husband felt more and more respected and honored and saw my genuine faith in him – he began to care a lot more about the things I wanted. Now, instead of ignoring me like he used to when I approached him in an exasperated, critical, frustrated, condemning way – he usually tries to do things that are important to me pretty quickly. He doesn’t always have the same time table I do. That is ok. God doesn’t either!

      Check out “How to Ask Your Husband for Something So He Will Want to Say Yes” on my youtube channel – April Cassidy.

      Much love to you!

  14. Thank you so much for your honesty in your blogs, and taking the time to share all of it. God has been sanctifying me through your words, and my marriage has been so much better for it! I’m finally realizing that I’M the only person I can change in my marriage. I’m so grateful The Lord is changing my heart in the first year if our marriage, rather than 10 years down the road!
    You have been such a role model to me! I’m sure you have a lot of critics for standing up for biblical womanhood, so I wanted to encourage you to keep on keepin on! 🙂

    1. Jenna,

      You are most welcome. I’m so excited to hear from you! And I am thrilled about what God is showing you and how soon you have the chance to learn – and maybe avoid some of your other sisters’ mistakes.

      I do have a lot of critics! Of course, their real beef is with God and His Word. But, I appreciate the encouragement so very much!

  15. Wow this stuff should be published to men to show the sacrifice a peaceful wife needs to make to become a wife of his design. It is great to see so many women concerned for their marriage. I am trying to lead my family, sadly my wife seems frustrated by it. I work fifty hours a week and do all the chores/bills. She has given up on spiritual study and prayer, and shows great disdain for our son. She has confessed to me that she is tired of swing our faces. So I am making plans to leave when our son leave the home unless things change. I have nine years or so, and I am hoping I can somehow change things around. She won’t read the bible with me, or join me for volunteer work with our son. I guess I am just asking for one more prayer from someone. Thanks for the articles they are a great read, and seriously consider writing to men also. There are already a bunch of us that read it anyway ha!

    1. Kevin,

      I am so sorry that things are so frustrating and painful. Yes, for a woman to become a godly man, it involves just as much sacrifice, painful dying to self, spiritual “contortion” and patience as it does for a man to become a godly man. Almost every force in the world works against us as we seek to become like Christ. Our sinful nature, the godless culture (particularly many of the messages of feminism and secular humanism), what is politically correct, family members and friends and even church members. There is almost NO support for women who desire to live out biblical womanhood even in the church today (thankfully, there are some exceptions in a few churches). Most women have never even seen a woman live out godly femininity or truly respect, honor and biblically submit to their husbands even in the church. How can women learn if they never see any remotely decent examples? And most churches don’t even talk about these important issues.

      Yes, things are a mess – across the board almost.

      What is her relationship with Christ?

      Why has she given up on God?

      You cannot change her. People cannot change anything. But if you decide to walk in obedience and full submission to Christ, God’s power working through you may heal the marriage. I have seen hundreds of marriages healed and saved when just one spouse decides to do things God’s way and seeks Him and seeks to bless his/her spouse no matter what the spouse is or is not doing at the time.

      And you are right, many men do read my blog. Thanks for the encouragement!

      I used to write for men, but then God showed me in His Word where women are not to have authority over men. So I took down those posts. Every once in awhile I will write for husbands just to share a wife’s perspective and to explain how women might be feeling and what may be encouraging to them.

      Lots of husbands “reverse engineer” my posts and are blessed here. I am thankful to God for that.

      I am praying for God’s power and wisdom and love for you as you seek to honor Christ and lead and love your wife as Christ leads and loves His church. I pray that God might work in both of your hearts to bring you both closer and closer to Himself. I pray for God to heal your marriage and family and that He might use you all for His purposes and for His greatest glory!

  16. Hi April,
    I sought this post out as currently I know that I am disrespecting my husband in the area of finances but since I met him I have always earned significantly more than him and he works sooo hard but never seems to make any money so my money goes towards the bills. I am terrified to let him have control of our finances as he has made so many unwise decisions around money. He actually says he wants me to take care of the finances but how do I do this respectfully. Since reading your blog we have made so much progress on my journey in my faith in God but feel that this is a real road block for me. I am having palpitations now just thinking about it. It was good to read this as I realise I can’t be the only woman in this position. Could you point me in the direction of any resources that might help. Thank you. I feel like such a slow learner as there are so many threads to this journey and I ask so much of God and can be amazingly defiant in my obedience to him. I am lucky to have such a forgiving God. Wishing you peace.

    1. S,

      I have several posts about money. You can search “money” and “finances” on my home page search bar. There is a post from a wife whose husband wants her to handle the finances and how she has done that. That particular one will be the best one for you to read, I believe.

      This can be an overwhelming journey at times. I was a very slow learner, too!

      Let me know if that post helps. Praying for wisdom for you and your husband.

      Much love to you!
      April

  17. Thank you so much for this post!! I have been searching all day “spouses no being on board with ministry” and I truly feel that my husband is hindering my ability to do what I believe God has asked of me!

    I began my day feeling like one way or another I was going to be disobedient to God….would I choose:
    1. disobedience through divorce or 2. disobedience through not being the hands and feet of Jesus.

    Through your post, I realized that I am not good at shining the love of Jesus to strangers if I can’t even be a light to my husband. What a hypocrite I would be to expect people to be impacted by my relationship with Jesus if I was blatantly disobedient to Him in undermining my husbands authority over me?!?!

    I am going to start today, praying through this post again (every point you made is ME! How disgraceful?!?!)and meditating on the word of God about my ministry IN MY OWN HOME.

    “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. Luke 16:10

    I have always seen that verse about worldly possessions and finances but today, it means more! If He can trust me to minister to my husband and daughter in my own home by submitting to my husband’s authority and leadership, maybe then, He can trust me to be His hands as feet on Earth!

    I don’t have to pick option 1 or 2. I can create option 3 in my home by being the Godly wife I am called to be first and then moving outside of my home with my ministry second!

    Thanks for stepping on my toes today!

    Leslie

    1. Leslie,

      You are most welcome. 🙂

      You know what? I used to think that Greg was keeping me from being a foreign missionary and he was keeping me from God’s will. Interestingly, it was not until God opened my eyes to all of the sin in my life – pride, self-righteousness, disrespect, usurping my husband’s leadership position, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, gossip… and changed me dramatically over a few years, that God gave me a ministry.

      When I used to dream of being a foreign missionary, there was no internet. 3.5 years ago, Greg asked me to share what God had shown me and what I was learning about being a godly wife. Most amazing moment of my life – after 2.5 years of being on this journey. I could never have imagined that God would allow me to be a home and foreign missionary from my own living room. Greg didn’t keep me from God’s will. I was keeping myself from God’s will. And God had it all planned out all along. Greg facilitated God’s will and supported me (still does) with my blog ministry. How amazing is that!??! AND, he started his own blog for Christian husbands 2.5 years ago, too.

      Our God is so much bigger than we ever imagine.

      I LOVE how you are applying Luke 16:10. I am SO SO SO excited about what God is showing you and about all that He has planned for you, your husband and family!

      THANK YOU for sharing what God is doing in your heart.

      You may also like this post:
      “Is Your Ministry for Christ Destroying Your Marriage?”

      Yes, as you walk in obedience to God, repenting of any sin in your life, allowing Him to renovate your heart, mind and soul… He will give you a ministry outside the home, in His timing with your husband’s leadership and blessing that will be infinitely more fruitful than anything you can do in your own strength. I can’t wait to see it!

  18. After searching and searching for help on how to implement God’s plan for my marriage, when everything in me seemed to believe it was impossible, or even, pridefully, that it wouldn’t “work” in my situation, I am so grateful to have found your blog. It’s like it was written for me! I’ve been praying for God to show me how to be obedient to Him in my marriage, but honestly, it was not feeling sincere at all. This post spoke to me though, and I believe it was God’s answer to my prayers to find it. Thank you so much, April, for taking the time to share your experiences and lessons learned. Thank you Jesus for your always perfect plans!

    1. Sonia,
      What a huge answer to my prayers! I am so excited about what God is showing you. My prayer is that God might use me to “put the dots closer together” for those who come behind me than they were for me when I began this journey.

      I am thrilled to be with you on this road, my precious sister!

      Much love!

  19. Can I start by saying I’m really trying to work on my part, I came across your blog again on an Internet search for the second time in recent months. And I am just really struggling, some if these points really hit home and I really need to be in prayer and ask God to help me as I have been very disrespectful in recent days 🙁 I am really having a hard time with a few things though and don’t know how to overcome them. First off outright hypocrisy in a husband, how does a wife respect a husband in those areas? For example getting upset with the children for playing video games when that’s what he does whenever he has free time? Or the attitude of I can’t believe so and so let’s their child play that game, when he is playing a far worse game? Or judgemental attitudes toward people and negative comments about them, I can’t agree but if I voice disagreement he gets upset, if I stay silent he gets upset and thinks I am not listening….

    What about when a husband has major issues with anger and verbal outbursts? The children and I feel like we are walking on eggshells and could get lashed out at verbally any moment. 🙁 its very painful. I keep thinking of the verse about not making friends with an angry man, yet I am married to one, how do I handle the children’s pain from his outbursts respectfully and biblically, and how do I keep from getting angry in response?

    I really struggle with burnout, I am dealing with what appears to be adrenal fatigue and chronic pain related to stress because I really don’t get chances to relax when he is home (which since he works at home is a lot of the time) because when I sit to relax and knit or sew (my hobbies) he gets irritated with me, he seems somewhat content when I am busy, busy working and that’s about it and resents my taking time to relax, even though my relaxing times I am still making things for our family….but he can spend and hour or two playing videos games and sees no inconsistency there (no I haven’t pointed this out, I just see it) I have told him I feel sad that I can’t relax and sew or knit without him getting upset though.

    Sorry three more questions yet…

    What about when you want Godly fellowship with other women but he keeps you from it? I don’t have any close girlfriends, even if I did would it be ok to talk in person to someone about the reality of this? I have been told to not talk to others about our issues….also, I don’t have a phone but have to ask to use his cell phone to make a call, he works from home and is always here, which compounds the problem, because I can’t make any plans or do anything in the way of visiting or having people over without him being right there….he goes out with people when he wants to, goes out for a meal or meets up and goes shopping, but if I ask that it causes a fight, we have two special needs children and he doesn’t feel he can handle watching all the children. So I am really stuck and unable to get fellowship, when I found a local bible study working through Elizabeth Elliot’s book that said they could watch the children he was against it because he said her books weren’t worth reading cause she sent one of her children to public school (again that judgemental attitude) and unkindly called the meeting a “book club” even though he knows all the people who attend it 🙁

    Phew, another issue sorry I am just really needing advice and help. He wanted us to sleep in separate bedrooms, so we do, not my desire at all, he recently mentioned maybe we should just stop being intimate too, I’m hurt by this. I don’t really know what to do about that.

    Lastly, he refuses to talk to me about important things most of the time, if he doesn’t relent and let me talk it’s while he is looking at the computer (ouch, when I ask if he can look at me while we talk he gets irritated), and iconversations almost always ends in an argument with him completely misstating what I have said. So I for a time give up and just try to not talk about important stuff, then break down and try again to the same end (really it’s hard to make things work without communication). He says we don’t have time to talk and other excuses, but frequently will call his mother and talk/argue with her for long lengths of time.

    I have no relationship with my own mother due to a falling out we had year ago, and I would like to make amends but he is in disagreement, so I have been trying to respect his wishes but it’s really eating me up inside because I want to work on that, the thought of something happening to her while we are not on good terms makes me very sad, how do I deal with that?

    And lastly, how do I not hold a grudge or act upset the next day after we have an argument and he just picks and picks until I am in tears and then leaves me alone, emotionally destroyed and goes to bed? I have a very hard time waking the next day and being pleasant, he does not show any regard for my feelings or for hurting me emotionally….

    Anyway, I am sorry but I have been seeking help for a while , I have spoken to one pastor about this and he gave me some great advice like what you have written about about seeking the Lord first and realizing I don’t have to answer to God for my husband but for myself and that I can do my part in obedience to Christ even in thus, but it was a very limited conversation because I was concerned my husband would walk in and hear it and it would get worse. So these are my “leftover” unanswered questions 🙂 thanks in advance for any help you can give. And thank you for this entry, it does give me some things I can work on in me,

    Sola Deo Gloria!

    A sister in Christ.
    .

    1. Tara,

      It is such a pleasure to meet you! 🙂 I wish I could just hug your neck.

      You have quite a few challenges on your plate with your husband being home all the time, his very negative attitude, the lack of intimacy, two special needs children, and it sounds like that he is a very strong personality – possibly rather controlling?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      What do you know about his walk with Christ?

      How is your walk with Christ going? How much time do you get to spend in Bible study and prayer? Do you journal?

      Was he angry like this before you got married?

      Is he involved in porn?

      Why does he want to be in separate bedrooms and to not have intimacy?

      Are either of you involved in any kind of addiction, abuse, or infidelity? Does either of you have any mental health disorders?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      It is difficult to respect a sinful, imperfect man. Yes. That is a challenge that will require the power of the Holy Spirit and great sensitivity to God’s voice. Some posts that may be helpful:
      When My Spouse Is Wrong
      “When Your Husband Sins Against You”
      “Do I Have the Right to Punish My Husband?”
      “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin” (However, please note – if your husband is very far from God, your words about spiritual things may repel him – this will require incredible sensitivity on your part to God’s Spirit to know when to say something and when not to and what to say.

      You are married to him now – so if at all possible, it is most honoring to God if you can stay and seek to make this marriage work. If you were not married yet, and you saw that the had a terrible temper, that would be a big red flag to consider whether this was wise. But now that you are married – you are in a covenant. God can change his heart. You cannot. But you can get out of God’s way and cooperate with God and focus on becoming the godly wife He desires you to be regardless of what your husband is or is not doing.

      The hypocrisy – these are areas where God can open his eyes to his sin. You can say something to affirm that you are listening to him without agreeing or disagreeing. “I hear you.” “Yes, that game does have some issues that concern me.” “Thank you for wanting our children not to be exposed to games with that sinful, worldly kind of influence.” “Thank you for wanting to protect our children spiritually.”

      What do you thank him for?
      In what ways do you respect and honor him?
      How do you disrespect him?

      Please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect, and biblical submission.

      Are you safe?

      You can pray for God to open the door to fellowship with Christian women. But you may be limited about how much you can say with friends. This is a safe place to share. God is sovereign. Even over this. Is it possible that He wants to use this time to teach you to rely fully on Him?

      How often have you been having intimacy?

      I vote to let him look at the computer while you talk. Don’t try to dictate to him that he must look at you. If he is showing that he is hearing you – that is great. Yes, it would be ideal for him to look at you – but – right now, he is so hostile, that I don’t know that it will help your case to make demands of him.

      What does he say about your mom? Again, this is something that God can change his heart about and that you can pray about.

      Not holding onto a grudge will take serious time in prayer and in GOd’s Word and the power of God’s Spirit to help you forgive. I do want you to have the chance to share your pain and your heart. How do you try to respond when he “emotionally destroys you.” What does he say? What do you do?

      Much love to you!

      1. Controlling, yes very much so.

        His parents are divorced, his mom remarried 2 or 3 times and divorced each husband, when my husband was a teenager she finally took him as a priority and stopped with the men. His dad left when he was 8….

        from what I see of my husbands walk with Christ (and I could be not seeing something) it appears very off and on, one week he may seem very fired up, sits us all down for family devotions and reads from the Word, then for a month or so nothing, I don’t see him reading his bible except at church and what had been devotion time is now computer gaming time.

        The LORD has been working on me and my walk with Him, I have been trying to set aside a half hour every morning to spend in the word alone and yes I journal, and then the children and I have morning devotions for another half hour after breakfast. I believe daily time in the word is crucial, for me it is anyway.

        Was he angry before we married? Honestly my mom pushed me a lot as a teenager and she kept telling us we should get married, we only knew each other two months before we got married, it was very shortly thereafter his anger issues started to become obvious. :/ but I did not see them before we married.

        Porn….it’s been an issue in the past, I don’t believe it’s taking place now, he has filters installed on his computer to block it and has confessed to me in the last couple years whenever he has stumbled, sometimes blaming it on me, but I don’t think he is looking at any right now or has been for a while.

        The bedrooms….he says he sleeps better in his own room and his own bed, he has pushed for that since a couple years after we were married, I finally got tired of arguing it and submitted, but under protest, he knows it’s not my preference but I don’t bring it up anymore. Intimacy, we have had issues with yeast infections off and on (for maybe the last 6 months, I am treating for it on my side but he still eats how he wants and doesn’t do any cleanse type stuff, so who has it and is passing it back and forth is a puzzle) I think that’s why, but even prior to having issues with that our times of intimacy were few. On average 2 times a month, and still is like that. It’s been like that for a couple years.

        There was an emotional affair early on in our marriage (that was me) it was about 12 years ago now and was prior to our being saved. Was emotional and chatting on computer only but was damaging nonetheless. Mental illness, he tells me sometimes he thinks I am, but he has been diagnosed with anxiety problems and doesn’t treat for it. He struggles with a lot of stress over what seems “small stuff” and is chronically unhappy.

        My parents marriage is a mess, they are divorced and both remarried, my dad is diagnosed bipolar, but I don’t see it, my mom insists he is though. my mom seems to have some narcissistic behaviors (lying, manipulating, as I said earlier she really push, push, pushed us to rush and get married, looking back it was very strange, she even gave us money to marry and elope secretly)….she has been unkind in regards to him since. Long story very shortened. After she and my dad divorced she moved out of state, told us she didn’t believe in marriage after divorced based on
        Scripture and she was struggling financially, my husband and I were new Christians he felt very led to move in with her and help pay the bills so she could not be so stressed and wouldn’t have to work the three jobs she was working. We wanted to support her and he felt she was like his own mother and should be treated as such.We picked up our family moved across the country and lived with her for two months before she told us she met a guy and was getting married, the man who we did not know was to be moving into the house and we did not feel safe with our children being around a man we did not know, especially the special needs ones. She got mad we did not do what she wanted and stay and said regardless of what my husband had said he was not her son…..

        I’ll continue later…..that’s a start..

        1. Tara,

          There are a lot of scars on both sides, it sounds like. Goodness.

          As a pharmacist, I would suggest that your husband may just be able to use some anti fungal cream externally if yeast is an issue – like generic Lamisil – twice a day for 1 week (covering the genitals). That may clear up the yeast on his end. I don’t know how open he might be to that – but it may be something he would consider before he would do all of the dietary changes? Has he ever been diagnosed with low testosterone?

          Your husband may be depressed and anxious. That is possible. Do you believe you are depressed, anxious, or do you struggle with bad PMS or anything?

          Goodness, what poor examples y’all had. Breaks my heart.

          I’m glad that you are focusing on God and His Word. I am praying for healing for you both!

      2. Ok had little one wake from a nap….so anyway that ordeal with my mom cost our family thousands of dollars and a move across country and ba an pest everyone, I continued to keep some contact via letters unti I found out she was sharing them with people, talking bad behind my back about me….so I stopped Writin and she never asked why. We had no communication for 4 years and she recently has emailed me some narcissistic sounding stuff…..I.e. I love you even though you are mean, I forgive you for everything you have done to me….stuff like that. My husband says he forgives her but he is tired of me being hurt and would rather I just don’t communicatw with her, which I on the one hand appreciate, but on the other there’s always a vulnerability in loving someone and I’m not asking for a relationship with her and trust has been broken, but just to send occasional pictures and updates and check in on her…..maybe I’m unreasonable in even wanting that I don’t know.

        I need to be more thankful, I have been trying to work I that since reading this post, I have not been good about that, it’s very hard to compliment and thank someone who is on edge and unhappy a lot of the time, but I’m responsible for my actions and the Word commands us to be thankful. So thank you for that, in recent days I have been thanking him for providing for us financially. and helping with the children.

        How do I respect and honor him, I try to not voice my irritation as his inconsistencies. I dress according to his preference, keep his laundry clean, make his bed up for him (some days), try to cook things he likes to eat. Don’t guilt trip him for going out with his friends or for alone time. Try to clean and keep house according to his preferences.

        Disrespect? I’m bad about correcting him in front of the children, I know it’s terrible, I have a very hard time sitting quietly when he is angry and lashing out verbally in anger toward the children and I almost always get into the middle of it to try to protect them, but it’s not in a respectful way, I’m often upset and brash in my response. Also I get upset with his complaining and stressing over things. He complains a lot about his job, which is really a very good job, he gets to be home like he has always wanted, he is paid well, he has a set shift except for once every 6 weeks when he is on call. Just for an example of the discontent, he has always said he couldn’t stand the on call weeks and wished they would go away. Well he got a new boss and was told they may be going away and now he is saying that was one of his favorite parts of the job and is upset he may not have them anymore…..

        Am I safe, physically yes, he has never been physical toward me, emotionally i struggle when he is home. Sad but true when he is out of the house there’s a general peace. 🙁

        Thank you so much for your love 🙂 I can sense it in your responses. I am thankful for you caring about me enough to take the time to respond.

        1. Tara,

          I can understand why your husband wants to protect you from your mom. I also understand why you would like to send her some pictures occasionally and not be completely cut off from her. I suggest letting him know you will honor his leadership about this, but that you would really like to send her pics occasionally and not be totally cut off.

          Yes, you are responsible for you. You can be a godly wife even if he is depressed and moody because of God’s Spirit living in and working through you. 🙂

          I would like for you to please read “Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers.” part 1 and part 2 – and then let’s talk about what God may be speaking to you and about how He may desire you to handle things when your husband is lashing out in anger at the children.

          I also have some Youtube videos. You may want to check out the ones about non-verbal disrespect. And about “My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Him.” My channel is “April Cassidy.”

          I’m right here! Let’s start taking some baby steps on this journey together. I am praying for God to give you His power and wisdom, my precious sister! Much love to you!

          1. Ok I certianly am guilty of being disrespectful to him in his parenting, and I need to repent of that and stop doing it. I struggle much with this, please offer any wisdom you may have here. How do I be a daughter of Sarah without fear or amazement, when I am afraid of what he will do if I don’t step in? He can be so angry and cruel (verbal mo kings, extremely inconsistent discipline, sometimes discipline for accidents if he is upset enough) when something doesn’t go according to his plan. It’s an up and down struggle for me, I step back and say I’m not going to get involved I’m going to keep my mouth shut and respect him, and then I feel like I am condoning his cruelty and harshness and I don’t want the children to think I’m in agreement with that. What about when he is being harsh and cruel and tells me to carry out the discipline because he doesn’t want to? And I think he is unfair and unjust? I know he will stand before God for his actions, but I will stand before God for mine, so what do I do when put in this situation, obey him when he is being cruel and incosistent and unloving? Or follow my conscience? Help! Where’s the line? What’s the balance? How do I teach my children the love of Christ and gentleness and kindness and long suffering, while at the same time respecting my husband as father even when he is unkind and easily irritated? Help! I really want to do the right thing.

          2. Tara,

            Please check out “Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers”

            And, google Nina Roesner “Got an Angry Man?” – She addresses this.

            Also, the book Sacred Influence addresses this very beautifully and powerfully. 🙂

            Much love to you!

      3. Thank you. Your answer to this sister has helped me. For her husband and mine sound simular in response to certain things. I posted on here before getting to this comment. I will be looking at the links you recommended to this sister. God bless you for teaching younger (spirituality yonger) woman how to love their husbands and children and keepers at home.

  20. I just want to say thank you so much for this post! Now I only hope and pray that Christ will allow me the grace to change. Thank you so much for your post. Im up in the middle of the night wondering about all these same questions and issues that you address in your post and it almost 100 percent pertains to me and my marriage. Thanks for helping to open my eyes to the areas that I need to change and the areas where I am at complete fault. You made this sound so clear and simple. Ive been a Christian all my life and have heard the message of women submitting, but this blog REALLY opened my eyes!!!

    I do have one question though. In addition to what you have mentioned, I also bare the issue of inlays in my marriage. His family is extremely close that it is intimidating to me. His mom is also very passive aggressive and controlling and so he is used to following her and his families ways and traditions. I want to follow my husband, but not his mom/family. It seems thats who is leading him and who has always lead him and his decisions. Therefore, Im so combative when it comes to getting together with his family because my husband seems to be so easily controlled by them, rather through manipulation or he is clearly aware. I hate when I feel that we are being lead by them and not himself.

    I guess I do have very little respect for him because I view him as someone is is weak because of his inability to have his “own mind”. Please pray for ME. I do realize that its probably my own sin that leads me to almost “hate” his family. How can I love and respect him if I don’t love and respect his mom/family? Would you suggest that I first have to respect his mom also in order to fully respect him? And to make things worst, my mom just moved far away and now I have no family close except his 🙁

    Please pray for me and I am also open to any Godly council.

    Thanks again,

    1. JT,

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      I am thrilled that God is working powerfully in your heart. WOOHOO!

      If your husband has always submitted to his mom – that is a difficult issue. And it is very common for passive husbands to have a history with a controlling mom and to marry controlling wives. This is a pretty normal problem that you are experiencing. And it is frustrating!

      As you continue to respect your husband and step down and allow him to lead – which will take many months or years, most likely – he will probably eventually develop the strength he needs to lead apart from his mom. But if he has never stood up to her himself, it is going to take a long time before he gets to that point.

      Here are some resources:

      Respecting Your Husband Around Extended Family

      A Husband and Wife Handle a Controlling Mother As a Team

      He is going to need some time to learn to lead well. It will take him time to learn to know his own mind. This is a slow process for you and it is a slow process for him. That is ok. First comes your getting rid of disrespect and learning to genuinely respect him. That step is necessary before he can begin to grow and stand tall and become the man God designed him to be. 🙂

      Please search my home page for:

      – lead
      – leader
      – respect
      – disrespect

      You can learn to treat his family with honor and respect. That doesn’t mean you respect their priorities or what they do – if they are sinning.

      As you step back and allow him to handle his family, and as you learn to honor and respect your husband, things will probably begin to change. We will trust God to work in your husband’s and his family’s hearts. The Holy Spirit can do things in people’s lives that we could never accomplish on our own. 🙂

      Much love to you!

  21. Thank you sooooo much for this very encouraging and most helpful post. I feel most of the feelings written and can relate to all of them. I desire to let my husband lead; I’m a believer that the times when I prayed to God for my husband (after I felt there was nothing else I could do); our marriage got better. I love and trust God to bless our marriage because I am trying to respect my husband. I don’t ever want to to talk down to him again. I don’t want to make him feel like he is not worthy oft love, affection, support and partnership because I believe he is all of those things. Show me my heart, my true self, so I can follow him and give God the glory!

    1. Della,

      I am thrilled to meet you and so excited about what God is doing in your heart. 🙂 I believe you will find much encouragement here. My greatest desire is to point you to Christ, His love, His truth, His Word and His power. I love your desire to bless your husband and to support him. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you both! 🙂

  22. OH MY GOD!!! This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you sooooo much for having the courage and love to share this with all of us!!!!

    Gid has spoken to me through your words. Praise God and thank you!!!!!!!!!

    God bless you always!!! I will share it with every wife I know!!!

  23. i so happened to come across this article looking for guidance on being more “spiritually mature” than your mate. i am not married, but am in a relationship for a year and this help me TREMENDOUSLY! When i tell u God put you through this for a reason, He did! you are helping so many marriages and saving those in the making by sharing this! Though i am not “legally” married just yet, this opened my eyes to the my general disposition about men compared to how it SHOULD be. the holy spirit spoke directly to my spirit while reading this. you just prevented me from bringing a debilitating yet common mistake soooo many women make in relationships (self self self!) into the Godly covenant of marriage…Thank you thank you thank you! for being so brutally transparent i felt like God was speaking Himself through your article! reading this has had such an impact on my spirit, that i am going to share it with my women’s group leader for a topical discussion i hope that is ok! my prayer is that it saves marriages and that it equips women with the right Godly mind frame who are going into, or who are desiring marriage.. Bless u and your family! my God continue to anoint you and your blog or the edifying of His kingdom! i wish i knew u so i could hug you! lol i will be a consistent reader and,mouth piece of your blog! New territories, higher heights and deeper depths in the name of Yeshuah! thank you again !

    1. Nikki,

      I’m so thankful that God used this to bless you. 🙂 It is an honor to meet you! I praise God for what He is doing in your life and I’m grateful that He is allowing you to learn some of these things before you get married. How I wish I had understood this 21 years ago as a new bride!

      I can’t wait to hug you one day – whether we meet here, or in heaven, my precious sister!

      You are most welcome to share this with your women’s group.

      Much love to you! May God richly bless your walk with Christ for His greatest glory.

  24. Being submissive is very hard for me to accept. I’m a millinneal in a liberal nation that champions women’s equality and praises radical feminism. While I am neither a liberal nor a hard core feminist, it’s hard for me to let my defenses down and be vulnerable with my husband. I have this intense fear of being manipulated and used, because I’ve been manipulated, abused and used before. Because of this I have always try to one up my husband, to nag, to criticize, and to demean in any way I can to make me feel in control. We’ve been married a year and he’s an amazing man! He’s told me numerous times he only wants the best for me and he’s such a loving, caring, and sensitive man yet I lash out in pure anger from my own insecurities. I need peace and a release from my sometimes violent anger! This is a very well written blog. Thank you, Peacefulwife. Maybe I’ll be one of those someday.

    1. Tori,

      I pray that you will be a peaceful wife! The only way I know how to be one is to first be willing to fully submit to Christ. If we cannot trust Him – the perfect Bridegroom – there is no way we can trust Him to lead us through our imperfect husbands.

      How is your walk with Christ going, my sweet friend?

      This journey is hard for all of us – impossible really. It is deeply ingrained in our sinful nature to want to be in control ourselves. We are all daughters of Eve. And we are also fighting our culture influences and ungodly examples all around us. But with Jesus, He makes true peace possible – and He can transform any of us to be godly wives with gentle, peaceful spirits who do what is right and do not give way to hysterical fear. 🙂

      The posts at the top of my home page might be a good place to start.

  25. When your loving husband wants you to trust Him in everything and you find it difficult because of past experiences – experiences that you personally reference when a trust issue arises. He takes offense when there is none intended. He is offended if he gets a response of “I have a hard time infinitely trusting you.” Why would he think I should trust him infinitely or anyone else. I was disheartened, again, today as our conversation led to this issue. I had to admit that I don’t trust him the way he feels I should. Again, I alert you that he is very loving and attentive.

    Our struggle has been communication from early on in the marriage. We just celebrated 13 years. I spoke of our communication disconnect during our, I believe, 2nd year of marriage, but he refused to acknowledge it.

    I became the “strong man” of the marriage very early on after my husband lost rank in the military shortly after we married. He changed – became a man I did not fall in love with nor the man I enter a covenant before god with. He was broken – he says for the better, because it humbled him. I admit he is a beautiful GOD-FEARING man.

    Again, our struggle is communication – disagreeing and the lack of moving through it. I want us to agree about so much more. I want harmony more often than clanging cymbals. We disagree about THE CHILDREN A LOT. We do not verbally abuse, just verbally disagree, a lot.

    PLEASE NOTE: We love each other dearly. we are committed to one another before God and will not break it nor do we desire to. But we desire the best that God has for us. I have come to know that a change has to come to me. This is extremely difficult when sometimes I feel I may have to throw logic out of the window to submit. Being a believer is not always in the relm of logic, however, I am. My heart has been changed; I am a new creation for 14 years. I pray God gets a grip on me; I feel the tug of his fingers now. Please be in prayer for me.

    Many blessings,

    K

    1. K,

      It’s wonderful to hear from you!

      I think that our men really want to feel trusted by us. It can be very damaging to them when we communicate that we don’t trust them. Of course, they are also human, so they are imperfect. And that is where things can get sticky. But I don’t believe that Scripture calls us to “infinitely trust” any human – only God. That is the real issue in biblical submission – “Do I trust God to lead me through this imperfect man?”

      I can and should infinitely trust the one, perfect, holy, loving, omnipotent, just, omnipresent, sovereign God of the universe who came as a man and died for me so that I can be close to Him. Not trusting Him is sin and unbelief. But no human deserves that level of trust.

      A career setback and demotion can be extremely devastating for a man. I can understand that it probably threw him into a deep depression. It sounds like a good thing that he can look back now and see that good has come from it, and that he has been humbled. It sounds like you have an amazing man! I’m not sure it is necessary to rehash what happened 11 years ago at this point.

      Disagreement is not a sign of problems in a marriage. There will be many disagreements because no two people will have the same perspective, history, background, or ideas. And with one of you being a man and one being a woman, the ideas and perspective are pretty different. That is not a bad thing. Harmony doesn’t mean agreeing about everything all the time. You can have harmony even as you disagree when God’s Spirit is in control in your heart – unless your husband is not in his right mind, dealing with an active drug/alcohol addiction, abusive, or is clearly asking you to commit or condone sin.

      I’m glad that you share your feelings, thoughts, ideas, concerns, and suggestions. Your perspective is important. I’m glad he is sharing his thoughts, because his perspective is important.

      You don’t have to throw logic out the window to obey God. But dying to self is required every day – for men and women. However, we only control ourselves.

      Is what your husband wants to do ever actually dangerous for the children? If so, perhaps you can give a few examples?

      How is your walk with Christ going? Where are you spiritually right now?

      What do your verbal disagreements look and sound like usually?

      Please check out the following and let me know what God speaks to your heart:

      Biblical Submission
      Spiritual Authority
      A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage
      Submitting under Protest
      Godly Femininity
      My Husband Gets Angry When I Respectfully Disagree with Him

  26. No. He doesn’t suggest things to endanger the kids. Things such as disagreeing about making the kids go to the youth center when they said they didn’t want to go. I would challenge that decision, because I empathized with our son who complained of bullying. I felt if he wanted to stay home, he should stay. There wasn’t any physical instances until recently. I shared it with my husband and the result was him teaching our 10 year son some self-defense tactics. Well, our son had to use them the very next time he was there. This seemed to help, but it did not stop the bullying. He had another encounter with this bully where our son pushed the guy and tried to punch him, but missed. It turned out that my son was in the wrong because he thought a ball was thrown at him by the bully. I had been wanting to take him to a professional for a long while because he just doesn’t respond to situations normally or logically. So, my statements of what is normal or not ignites a discussion “disagreement” about what is considered normal. We just found out that our son has anxiety. The whole family sees the therapist because my son is a minor, and she feels the therapy will need the effort of a family working together. We’ve had 2 sessions. Frequently, we don’t see eye to eye on simple, normal things. It can be frustrating, but I do know it will take the Lord’s help to handle it with grace – His grace.

    Our verbal disagreements usually go something like this: he accuses me of cutting him off. This is certainly true some of the time, but it is because he usually goes on and on when I have already gotten the point. I don’t try to disrespect him, but he feels disrespected none the less. After talking about something for far too long and getting nowhere, I try to diffuse the conversation by telling him that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I make this satement in what I feel is a polite fashion, but he doesn’t agree. Truthfully, it may not be polite enough. He wants to continue talking. I reiterate that I would rather us not talk about it and drop it altogether for the sake of peace. He feels I am shutting him down and trying to have control. What I’m trying to do is stop the bickering. I know that I am a critical thinker and want the logical, sensible, most rational approach and can debate, so I opt to shut myself down to have peace. These disagreements can sometimes happen in front of the kids but we are far more conscious of it now. Our desire is for our kids to see our love for one another – love is loving behavior.

    My walk with Christ is wonderful. I love the Lord fervently. Our children are home-schooled. I so enjoy teaching them God’s ways – reading through the Bible with them as part of our daily studies. Lately, I don’t feel as close to Him though. I pray about our relationship, cry to my husband about our relationship, and hope sometimes that he will change. But I desperately desire to be the wife that God intended me to be. I know this me isn’t it, but whatever the transition is is taking far longer than I’d like. I believe that God’s timing will forever be best; however, I question why now wouldn’t be that time considering all that we are going through. I so desperately desire to please God in everything that I do. This relinquishing of my will seems to be processing too long and holding up completion. I want this fixed. I love my husband and want to be everything he needs. This fight is definitely a fight of faith. I feel as if I am doing something very wrong when all I so look forward to is learning to let some things go. The challenging part is again – having to let me go. This facet of dying to self is my most challenging.

    Right now as I’m writing – I think I have it. Sometimes we read and hear repetitions and they sound right, look right, and are right. Until God pricks that heart, you can do nothing. I just got pricked. PLEASE GOD AT ALL COSTS. It seems ever so doable.

    April, I appreciate your blog. God blessed me with it just yesterday. Reading the comments inspired me. I read just three or four shy of all of them. I will pray for you, and I’m hopeful you will pray for me. I love you in Christ.

    Your sis,

    K

    P.S. I haven’t looked at any of the suggested posts yet. I’ll take a look at those as needed for encouragement and affirmation.

    P.P.S. This has never been clearer:

    22 Wives, submit[a] to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. Ephesians 5:22-27

    PRAISE GOD!!!

    1. K,

      What you are describing sounds like a pretty normal husband/wife perspective difference. In my experience with communicating with thousands of women, moms tend to want to protect their sons and dads tend to want to help them learn to be strong men. It is not really a matter of one of you being “wrong” but that you have different priorities and views. It seems to me like your husband is trying to be a great dad to your son and that he wants to help him learn to overcome and face his fears. That is not a bad thing. I DO understand your concerns as a mom. And you can absolutely share your concerns – but I can tell you this – when moms have sole charge of their sons, there are times when we raise our sons to be feminine rather than masculine because we try to teach them to be like we are. We may not always agree with what our husbands want to do, but sometimes they know more about being dads than we do and sometimes they know more about how to turn a boy into a man than we do.

      What has the therapist suggested at this point? Is she treating your husband with great respect?

      You are not going to agree with each other on some of these things. God gave children a mom and a dad because both masculine and feminine views are important to children. But there are some times when after you share your concerns, you can trust God to work in your son’s life through your husband’s parenting and through his decisions as a father. You really don’t have to argue with him. Those posts I shared will explain this in much greater detail. I hope you might check them out. 🙂

      It sounds like you may be shutting him down and trying to have control – but it also sounds like you are beginning to hear some things from God’s Spirit so I trust that He will help you see what He desires you to change in that situation – let me know if you feel like you need to talk more about it.

      Homeschooling is an incredible gift and responsibility. Keep in mind that it is possible for moms to end up feeling like they always know best for their children, particularly when they home school – and it is really easy to leave dads out. Your husband has very valuable wisdom that you do not have and an extremely important masculine perspective that you do not have – so I hope you will allow him to be very involved in parenting, even though you don’t always agree. Husbands who are told not to be involved as parents tend to either blow up or shut down and unplug and let the mom handle everything. Neither of those scenarios will be helpful for you or for your precious boy.

      I’m so thankful that God is speaking to you and that He has used this blog to bless you. 🙂

      Much love to you!!!! 🙂

  27. This is truly awesome thank you for caring enough to share. God said He is no respecter of persons what He makes happen for you He makes happen for me. Amen….good stuff!! Blessings to you.

  28. Thank you so much for these beautiful words of encouragement..I can relate to much of what you have said.I feel motivated to press on in my love for my husband..I have learned for the most part to let God fill my love tank.I’m not sure if my hubby knows how.he has struggled a lot over many yrs. With porno and I found out about two yrs ago. I actually felt closer to him after we talked and I prayed aloud for our family.I’m not confident that he’s gotten the help he needs apart from talking to our pastor together and him meeting with him once or twice..He is often drawn to graphic, horror type movies that depict a helpless woman..we have two beautiful daughters and when he watches that stuff we leave the room. He is addicted to tv. Most of His time is spent in front of the tv.I think he believes everything is ok bc it looks good on the outside.I try to encourage him and praise and enjoy him. But I am very lonely and sad.I cry at.night ,but he seems to ignore me..most of the time I am a very positive happy person. I find joy in my Saviors..but it can be hard to feel alone and like other husbands seem to care slouch about their wives…thanks for reminding me of my mission to live and not to change him.:-)!

  29. Thank you for your site. I am praying for wisdom in total trust in doing things God’s way in my unequally yoked marriage. I have so many questions. And to respect my husband I can’t turn to my church and those who he does let me go to (people who don’t know us) tell me to go to my pastor. My husband is not only unsaved but immoral I things of the law. He is moral in family matters and faithful. His idols are money and appearances. Appearances being the first idol. He will do anything for either no matter how corrupt. He is a feminist and would be embarrassed if I didn’t work. For years I have neglected him and my children and our home for my job. I think I am outside God’s will by working but if I leave I will be going against my husband. I don’t know what to do. My job is not a Christian environment at all but it pays well and he insisted that this is the job I work at because of the pay and status quo. He only wants me to go to church occasionally. And my shameful confession is I have used my employment as a means to have certain things my way. Like our daughter going to Christian school. And me going to bible studies and evening services . ( I work on Sunday mornings ). I make it seem that if I can’t have these things I will quit my job. If he thinks I will quit he makes all kinds of accommodations he wouldn’t normally.I need guidance I know. I really want to just give all to Christ, love and respect my husband and care for my children and home. I get in the way and have been just praying and trying to stop doing and I see how I have acted out of hurt and been manipulative. I cannot change my past but I am so ready to be who ever God wants and lose my plans and my ideas. I just don’t know what that looks like.

    1. Surrendered,

      It’s wonderful to meet you! 🙂

      You say that your husband is “immoral.” That conjures up images of him being involved in adultery to me. But that is not what you mean, correct?

      If he is unsaved, he is not going to put God first. Money is a very common idol – along with appearances.

      You are working full time?

      Here is the awesome thing about serving a sovereign God – He can change your husband’s heart. He can change your circumstances. He can make a way for you to stay home if that is where He wants you. Or He can use your husband to lead you to use your career for His glory.

      Does your husband feel that church is more important than he is to you? Of course, God is to be the most important consideration and priority in your life, but I would have to say that husband has to come before church in most cases. Your husband is your greatest ministry. His salvation is one of your highest priorities, I would imagine. What would draw him to you and to Christ? How many evenings per week are you gone at Bible studies? What does your husband want for your daughter’s schooling?

      Does your husband feel generally respected by you?

      What do you believe God desires you to do?

      I hope you will check out Andrew Murray’s book Absolute Surrender – there is a free download here you can read it or listen to it. 🙂

      Much love to you!

      April

  30. I just found this post. I must confess I am in need of prayer! I have been offered a job opportunity in another state and my husband does not want me to take it. I have worked for so many years (10+) for this very thing. To walk away from it is a feeling I can’t put into words. Our situation is similar, where my husband has no desire to lead (and not because of my controlling behavior) he had admitted. I honestly don’t know what to do. I have filled in the gaps where needed because it helped him. Are we as women not to have the same support as what we are expected to give?! I am confused by this.
    Thank you for your words. I will reread and hope to find Gods will through this tumultuous time.

    1. Lena Brown,

      I pray you will seek God and His will and what will most honor Him! I believe He can change your husband’s heart if this opportunity is of Him. It may be an incredible opportunity to show your husband that you want to honor his leadership and trust him – and it may be a big stepping stone for him to gain confidence in leading.

      Praying for God’s wisdom and direction for you both!

  31. Thank you for your courage and wisdom. This post was so thorough and it has opened my spiritual eyes. I am grateful for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and I am grateful that you shared this information.

    My parents were divorced by the time I was four years old and i had no example of what a Godly wife looks like. And my husband grew up with both of his parents in the home but his parents roles were reversed. His mother still handles all the decisions for her family so my husband never had a real example of what a Godly husband looks like.

    We both have done some work to curve the bad behaviors we learned growing up but we still have so much more to learn. But it is a breath of relief to know I’m not the only experiencing these issues.

    Thank you again so much!

    1. Briana,

      I sure wish I had this information 21 years ago when we first got married. It is very easy to get roles reversed in our culture and to think that is how things “should be,” and then it is so frustrating when the marriage is not working!!!

      Praying for healing for you both. A resource that may be helpful is Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. Chapter one is especially good, in my view, for husbands and wives. Also, David Platt’s Secret Church series on Youtube on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood is amazing.

      Much love to you!

  32. No. Just no. I am a Christian wife who has asked for counseling…and his answer was, “then we will never move.” Not, “ok, we need to do this if it can save our marriage, the house will work out.” He can’t fix a darn thing AT ALL. Nothing. He sits around when we are going somewhere and everyone waits for me to make the first move to get out of the door. If I lose weight, he does. If I gain he gains. If I see a problem in our family, I wait patiently. Pray. For months at a time, and he still never steps up. I give him space and praise to lead. Most of us believe there is something wrong he needs to be evaluated for. (He’s become more like his dad since he has gotten older, his dad is a very odd person). He’s rude, or silly. No in between. And WHY WHY WHY is it always the WIFE who has to fix herself first ton “lead” the husband to do better?! Even in this article, it’s us who have to lead in the way of our change in order to change our family. Just once. Can we please step down, breath, and have our husbands catch us? And maybe they do this list when we are exhausted? He even stopped helping in the house when the kids were babies cause he wasn’t getting sex enough. I hated him from then on. He’s a selfish ( we all are, but come on. I was up half the night with babies!!!!).

    End rant. There’s more. Way more. I’m in crisis mode picking up his prices every day. But you don’t want to hear that. You all just want to hear me say “Yes!!! I agree with this article!”

    Excuse the SP errors. I don’t type well on my phone. 😉

    An exhausted Jesus lover, mom and wife.

    1. Exhausted Mom,

      Let’s definitely just slow way down. I don’t know if your husband can catch you – but I do know Jesus can! And I am glad to support you in any way I can.

      I’m so very sorry that you are feeling so exhausted and frustrated. 🙁 I wish I could give you a big hug!

      It is not always the wife who must change! Please don’t read that message here. I only write to women about what we can control – ourselves. Husbands have as much, and probably more, responsibility and accountability to God to obey His Word, as well, and to lead.

      I want to hear the issues you are having – meet you where you are – and point you to Christ. No one has to agree with anything I write – and no one post can encompass every marriage issue. That is why I have over a thousand posts, and will continue to write because there is SO much to talk about relating to our walk with Christ and in our marriages. :)Please compare everything I say to Scripture. And ask or comment and object if something doesn’t sound right so we can talk about it. Sometimes different women bring different filters and paradigms and think they hear things that I am not saying – so I want to be sure to talk through any misunderstandings or frustrations. 🙂

      I want you to be able to rest in Christ and find total healing spiritually and emotionally in Him. If there are very severe issues, or you are in over your head, please seek appropriate, godly counseling in person.

      Are either of you dealing with mental health issues, drug/alcohol addiction, or any severe issues?

      How much sleep are you getting per night, my dear sister?

      Husbands have issues, too. That is why I have posts about confronting their sin. They do need to change, too. God calls all of us to the process of dying to self, sanctification, being filled with the Spirit, and growing deeper spiritually through suffering and trials.

      What I am most concerned about is you right now. It sounds like you are not well at all emotionally and spiritually. 🙁 This breaks my heart. I can actually relate very much to what you are experiencing. I would love to walk beside you on a road toward healing that God can provide. Would you be interested in talking some more?

      Much love to you, my precious sister!

      April

  33. Thank you so much! I must give the praise God coming across this post. Lord too many times I’ve taken the wheel selfisly to please my flesh. Not realizing that in me I’ve caused so much division in my marriage. Forgive me and teach me to let go and convict me lord as a woman of God and in my marriage. Lord your design plan for out marriage is better then my plan. Teach me learn through the wives you placed on my life to submit to my husband and mostly obey you. Thanks again for your post. Blessings to you and your marriage

    1. Laurie,

      Thank you for sharing. I’m so excited about what God is doing and will do in your marriage. 🙂 Let me know if you want to talk through anything. This is a difficult concept. You are welcome to search my home page for “respect,” “lead, “leader,” “submission,” “doormat,” “authority”… those posts may be helpful. 🙂

      1. Thank you for your response! I actually read your post again. I’m just in all how God took where I need to be in this season of my life. It will be going on three years married this May. We belong to an awesome church and blessed to have a marriage ministry we try to go to as often as we can. So grateful for our church family without them I would’ve gave up and never looked back. My husband and I have a blended family, 9 years difference, different up bringing, and have been separated. ( To give you some info on us). Through everything and reading your post I can clearly see where I had a huge impact on much that happened in our marriage.

        You asked if you could be of support and I’d love to learn more on how to respect, submit learn to allow him to lead? How can I go to your page and learn more. Again thank you for this blog. You are truly a blessing to many woman that are looking for transformation, and saving marriages. Most importantly honoring the Lord. Blessings to your ministry!
        ~Laurie

        1. Laurie N,

          I have LOTS and LOTS of posts on all of these topics here. And I have a new book that is releasing this month that puts everything about the beginning of this journey together in very organized, chronological steps with plenty of Scripture, prayer, and practical ideas. It is available on Amazon now and is already being shipped, The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord.

          You can also search my home page on my blog for topics like:

          – respect
          – disrespect
          – lead/leader
          – control
          – fear
          – bitterness

          Those topics will help to get you started.

          Praying for God to lead you and to teach you and for you to have a teachable, open heart to all He has in store for you. This is an amazing journey! I am so excited to get to walk this road together and learn together.

          Much love!

          1. Thank you I will be searching your blog to be better, better for Him!!! & looking into purchasing your book. Thank you & God Bless

          2. Laurie,

            Sounds like a great plan – I pray you will seek and find the healing that is available to you through Jesus. I’m right here if you want to talk some more. 🙂

            Much love to you!

  34. I can’t tell you how much this has blessed me! I’m a minister in training and very involved in my chuch. My husband goes to church sporadically and hesitates to get involved at our new church. Ivee asked but he can’t even tell me why he avoids getting involved or going regularly. Our kids appear to have lost faith in him leading spiritually. My oldest needs his dad to grow and lead, but I didn’t think how much I could be holding up the blessing. It breaks my heart. Thank you for this I will start praying my own change and let God! Bless you!

    1. Suzanna,

      I’m so glad this was a blessing! Sure wish I had been able to read this about 21 years ago!!!

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you as you seek to allow your husband more space to lead and seek to honor his decisions so that he can better hear God’s voice and become the man God calls him to be. 🙂

      Much love!

      You may also want to search my home page for:

      – lead
      – leader
      – leadership

      for more on this topic. 🙂

  35. I am going to do these things.
    Just a few questions.

    What if my husband is absolutely terrible with finances and he is completely fine with me being in control of that?

    He lives 6 hrs from us, for work. He gets to come home once or twice a month(if we’re lucky)

    What would be your advice on this?

    1. Magen Murphy,

      If it is working for you for you to handle the finances and he is good with that – that is totally fine. The main issue is to be sure that you are not acting like his boss or his mom about the finances and to be sure that he has a strong voice in financial issues, as well. 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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