“My Husband Forgot Our Anniversary”

This is an email I received from a sweet wife that I think really showcases a classic misunderstanding between husbands and wives.   So, with her permission, I’m going to share her email and then think about some possible respectful and husband-honoring, Christ-honoring ways to tackle this issue.  I’m REALLY thankful that she brought up this topic.  It’s actually the 2nd wife in one week who has had this dilemma who has emailed me.  I hope the ladies might pay close attention to the little red flags in her email.  See if  you notice the areas where she ventured into disrespect (and also into some other possible pitfalls – like judgment, condemnation, pride) before you read what I wrote.   My perspective is certainly not the only respectful way to handle things – but it may give wives a starting place to begin praying and thinking about how God might want them to change.
Little bit of background: my husband has kinda forgotten about special days in the past.  He usually doesn’t plan my birthday gifts and holiday gifts very well. If he does, it is usually last minute.  I have gotten very upset about this in the past and hurt because my birthdays and our anniversaries are dates that I want to feel loved and special (like most girls) but like most guys, he doesn’t put much thought or planning into these days.  He has an hour commute to and from work and I’ve suggested in the past that he takes at least 1 minute of his commute time to think or plan for us, but he hasn’t taken my suggestion.  
So present day problem: Today is our 3 year anniversary.  The past few days I have been worried he hasn’t thought much about it.  This morning, I woke up and tell myself to not be too upset if he has forgot.  I don’t want to set him up and pretend I forgot too, so I lean over and say “Happy anniversary” then I ask him if he remembered (probably this is where I first went wrong???) Or maybe I shouldn’t have said happy anniversary at all (this is where I’m getting stuck)
He said, “Yes,” he forgot but he told me that he told a customer yesterday about our anniversary so he really didn’t completely forget.    I said, “It’s ok” and got up to start getting ready.  (He could tell I was upset even though I was trying to hide it – maybe I went wrong there too and should not have tried to hide my feelings but I did not want to put him down and make him feel like a failure).  He asked, “What’s wrong?”  I said I was ok. Then he asked why I got up out of bed like that and I said, “Sorry I got up like that, but I needed to get ready.”  
He then started saying that is was first thing in the morning and of course he’s not thinking about that when he’s half asleep.  Then the argument broke out
(I heard him as making excuses and started to defend my point)!!!!
He brought up how hard he works and how burnt out he is. I said,  “I wanted to feel special” by having him make plans for us and I always worry he will forget since he has in past.  Things got blown up and I started crying.  I tried to tell him I was hurt and didn’t intend for things to go down like that but it took him a few minutes to stop being angry before he could comfort me.  We apologized and are ok now but I have no clue how to handle this when it happens again.  Which it will – he is human and it is kinda his nature.
This situation got really out of hand – and it didn’t have to.  This precious wife did what most wives would do – but it’s not working for any of us!
Let’s talk about where she went right and where she may have been able to prevent this entire argument and tense situation that might well ruin the entire day.  I will offer some suggestions that wives can think and pray about and consider.  I’m sure there are other ways to handle it that would honor God, too.  And if some godly Titus 2 women would like to share their perspectives, you are welcome to!  Husbands are also welcome to share their perspectives on this issue.  I’m sure many of you have faced something exactly like this.  In fact, I have a hunch that something very similar has happened at least once or twice in almost every marriage.
  • I’m proud of her for telling herself not to be too upset if her husband forgot their anniversary.  Good job!  I think it is a great idea to not let our expectations of another human become unreasonable.
  • I’m glad she didn’t ignore their anniversary, but said, “Happy Anniversary!”
  • I’m glad she apologized.  GOOD idea!
  • I’m glad she is expecting him to be human and wants to be prepared to extend grace.
It’s FINE to plan something for him and do something for him to make HIM feel special and cared for and loved if you want to.  Be sure you are doing something HE would like.  And be flexible enough to be gracious if he doesn’t get as excited about what you did for him as you want him to.
But, if you expect your anniversary (or birthday or Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day or Christmas) to be about him planning a party/a romantic evening/a surprise  for YOU to make YOU feel loved and special – then you are setting yourself up for  huge disappointment.
If  YOU feeling loved is your goal in marriage – you will almost always be profoundly disappointed.
You can’t control your husband.  You can’t make him do things.   You can ask for things, you an appreciate what he does for you.  But you can only control yourself – and even then, as one husband pointed out to me – only by the power of God’s Spirit can we even control ourselves!  If you want your anniversary to be about making HIM feel special and honored – you can certainly do that.
I think we have to be very conscious of the temptation to have idols.  In this case, many wives make “feeling loved” an idol, or we make our husbands an idol – especially on special days.  Sometimes our expectations are so high that there is no way our husbands could ever satisfy us.  If you are thinking, “I HAVE TO HAVE X TO BE HAPPY.  If my husband doesn’t do what I want – I will be devastated.”  “If he doesn’t do Y, I will not be ok.”  -these are  huge red flags that you are probably holding something as an idol. If we are desperate to have something – and that thing/person is not Jesus – we are probably getting ourselves in a mess.
It’s FINE to say, “Happy Anniversary!”  And give him a kiss and maybe even initiate physical intimacy if there is time that morning and he is interested.
It would have been fine earlier in the week to say, “I would LOVE to go to X restaurant for our anniversary this week!”  With a big smile on your face.  But then leave him alone about it and allow HIM to decide what he wants to do – or he may ask you about making reservations.  That’s ok, too.  And if he forgets or makes other plans – you can say something that night like, “You know what?  I really just want to enjoy being with you tonight for our anniversary.  I’m SO glad I get to be your wife!  You are the biggest gift from God to me.”  And enjoy grilled cheese sandwiches at home, or take out or going to a restaurant if he wants to.
If you can extend GRACE to him – you will salvage all the things that matter most!  You can still have a great time together – IF you will choose to. You have the power to make that choice.   He will feel so relieved that you aren’t torturing him for forgetting something he really didn’t mean to forget.  And you can make wonderful memories!
I enjoy my husband on Friday nights when the children are at their grandparents’ house.  Sometimes my husband takes me out to a nice restaurant.  I love that.  And sometimes we have take out.  I love that, too.  And sometimes we have leftover chicken bog from the night before.  (I know…  you are asking yourself, “What on earth is chicken bog?”  Well – it is a South Carolina thing with chicken and rice.  It’s my husband’s favorite so I try to make it 2-3 times per month).  The point is:
I want to savor THE RELATIONSHIP more than where we go or what we are doing now.  I am content just to be with him.
I personally would like to see wives not get quite so caught up about their husbands making the plans.  If your husband isn’t a big planner – it might be a gift to him if you do the planning – as long as you ask him and he’s ok with that.
Whether he plans ahead for special days or not and whether he remembers the date or not are truly not indications of a man’s genuine love for you!
A lot of guys just don’t think about “special days” as much as women do.  It doesn’t mean they don’t love their wives!  It means they are men, not women.  Dates are not on a guy’s mind that much.  Women have those kinds of dates in their heads all the time.  For many woman to forget a birthday or anniversary would mean that she would probably purposely not recognize the event – because it is almost impossible for her to forget such important dates.  But just because men don’t remember a certain date on the calendar – DOES NOT mean they are unloving!  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.  It doesn’t mean he hates you. And it might mean that just a little friendly, pleasant reminder could be helpful.  Like, earlier in the week, letting him know what you’d like to do, for instance!
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs relates a story where his wife hid all her birthday cards years ago and didn’t mention her birthday at all.  That night, she made supper for him.  And he told her how he had taken a friend out to lunch and she asked if they had a good time celebrating her birthday.  She had not reminded him about her birthday as an experiment to see if “he really loved her” as much as she knew she loved him.
He felt completely sabotaged and ambushed.  He felt humiliated and disrespected.  He would have celebrated his wife’s birthday if he had remembered. He felt awful! Let’s not try to test our husbands about dates.  We are assuming the worst and that is really hurtful to our men when we make big assumptions that something means they don’t love us – when that may not be at all what they meant.
If you had just said, “Happy Anniversary!” And hugged and kissed him and smiled at him with that adoring look in your eye…
  • you would have given him time to think of something to do for you while he was at work during the day
  • he could have salvaged the situation.  He could have delighted you and been your hero

That is exactly what the other wife who wrote to me this week did – and her husband realized he forgot and he felt AWFUL!!!  She didn’t have to say anything or ask if he remembered or not.  He really tried hard to make it up to her.  Give him the opportunity to be your hero!!!

To wake up and say, “Happy Anniversary!”  and then to ask, “Did you remember?” – was probably  pretty disrespectful to your man.  Now he can’t win.  He feels ambushed. If he did remember – you assumed the worst and he’s not going to be praised – and if he did forget – he can’t honorably extract himself from this situation.
When you disrespect him – it is unreasonable to expect him to comfort you.  First, you may need to apologize for your disrespect.  In this case, I believe you owe your husband an apology for the unintentional ambush this morning.  And for the sky high expectations, and for making your wedding anniversary all about you instead of about “us.”    And for setting him up to fail by not talking about what you wanted to do and expecting him to read your mind and have his focus all on what you want without giving him any indications about what you want.
In my mind, an anniversary is not an occasion to spend days worrying about if he’ll remember.  It’s a time to be thankful he is in your life.  Whether he wakes up remembering the date or not is WAY secondary to the fact that HE IS HERE.  HE LOVES YOU.  HE IS MARRIED TO YOU.  He belongs to you and you belong to him.  What an incredible blessing!

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39 Comments on ““My Husband Forgot Our Anniversary””

  1. Anna Popescu
    September 29, 2012 at 11:00 am #

    Since my hubby’s and my birthdays are only one day apart, he never forgets my birthday! Pretty sneaky, huh?😀

    Seriously, in my first marriage I received tons of big gifts and acknowledgement on special celebration days… but not much love. These days, I am very happy and blessed to be married to a wonderful Christian guy who doesn’t always remember our anniversary, but so what? He brings me little gifts every so often “just because” and never lets me forget how much he loves me.

    When we were first married, almost 14 years ago, God showed me that I needed to be the one to bring special days and events to his mind. So this begs the question: why does it always have to be the husband’s job to make celebration plans? I know that as women, we love the romantic notion that our hubbies will come through the door with a huge bouquet of roses and sweep us off our feet, but that reality is rooted in unrealistic TV shows and movies. It is not real life!

    Please, ladies, love your husbands for WHO HE IS, not for what he can do for you or for whether he can remember your birthday or anniversary, etc. God placed you with each other because you are perfect together.

    I’m sorry this is so long, but I’d like to share an analogy that our pastor gave my hubby and me during our premarital counseling: if you take an orange and rip it apart with your hands (NOT cut it with a knife), you’ll have a jagged edge on both halves. There is only one way that orange can go back together perfectly. So it is with the marriage relationship. You and your husband each have areas of strengths and weaknesses, and your strengths complement his weaknesses and vice versa. You both fit together just like that orange.

    So, don’t pine away for what might not be the way you think it should. Don’t fight the dynamics of your God-given relationship. Use those strengths and weaknesses to uplift and love each other in the Lord!

    I think I’ve said this before, Peacefulwife, but it bears repeating: thank you for such a wonderfully blessed and uplifting blog. My hubby and I are thankful that you and Peacefulhusband are not afraid to share yourselves and your marriage with those of us who need to hear it!


    • peacefulwife
      September 29, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

      Anna – well said!!!!!
      I wonder if you might allow me to post your comment as a new post so the wives all get to see it? You have some wonderful points here, I don’t want anyone to miss them! You’re more than welcome, Anna. My husband asked me to share what I have learned with other wives last spring. And I believe this is God’s calling on my life. So I pray I am faithful to Him and bring glory to Him alone. Thanks for the encouragement!


      • Anna Popescu
        September 30, 2012 at 11:07 am #

        April, you may definitely use what I wrote above, and thank you for asking.

        I am so thankful for what God has done in my heart and in my life (and therefore, in my marriage) that I long for all wives to be able to experience the blessing of a Christ-centered, loving marriage.



        • peacefulwife
          September 30, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

          Thanks, Anna! That is what I also deeply long for in all marriages!


    • Candice
      November 16, 2014 at 8:38 am #

      Actually, my husband and I both forgot our anniversary. He’s the one that’s really upset. So, what should I do? Should I go buy him something??? I’m the worse person to remember dates. I even forget my own birthday. I’m a wife that forgets her own anniversary and birthday. Now don’t get me wrong, I really love my husband, but dates kind of slip away from me. I think my husband is upset that we both forgot.😦 I think our relationship is a bit different than most. Women are always complaining that the men in their lives is forgetting their birthdays and anniversaries, and I’m the woman always forgetting his birthday and our anniversary. He gets so hurt when I don’t say happy birthday to him, so I made his birthday my birthday date on Facebook to always remember. It’s a genius way to remember your spouse’s birthday. *slaps forehead*


  2. Christine
    October 1, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

    “I savor THE RELATIONSHIP more than where we go or what we are doing now. I am content just to be with him.” Oh I have to write this one in my journal. So hard to remember. Prior to getting married a year ago, my husband was oh so good about planning and flowers…now nothing. On our one year anniversary weekend, we had his daughter. Was so hard for me to feel overshadowed and sad. I have to focus and redirect my thoughts.

    I have seen a change though…as was picking up his wet towel off the floor one morning, he came in the room and asked why I wasn’t yelling at him….I told him our relationship was more important than the frustration of picking up after him…he laughed then gave me a hug and we had a great morning.


    • peacefulwife
      October 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm #


      I LOVE this comment! THANK YOU for sharing.:) Sometimes husbands feel that the pursuit is gone once they “win” the prize and get married. So they settle in and get comfortable and stop doing the wooing stuff. They know they love you and think it’s a done deal.

      But I am REALLY glad to hear that your husband asked why you weren’t yelling at him and that you handled that so maturely! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That made my day!:)

      I’m so proud of you and can’t wait to hear what God has in store for you!


  3. herainz
    October 2, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    Wonderful insights April! Beautiful…


  4. ifyoukeeponbelieving
    October 4, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

    Really loved this written piece. Sometimes when I look inside myself, and identify all my sin and disrespect as a wife (mostly in the past when I was a girlfriend and fiance, since I have only been married two months), I feel terrible – almost as if I used to do everything wrong! I had been seeking God prior to marriage so I could be a good wife (I’ve really enjoyed reading a few of your blogs and another Christian blogger I read regularly). It is SHOCKING how much God helps when the wife decides to show the love, the respect, and put towards effort. There have been SO MUCH LESS eye rolls, attitude, (if at all) because I am loving him through God. It’s awesome. Our love language is very different, he loves gifts, I mostly need words of affirmation. Therefore, I am usually the one “planning” surprises – though, I am very lucky in that he will do special things, too. My goodness, he took me to Disney World so I could have my dream proposal!

    I just appreciate all your blogs and topics, because, with the Bible, I really learn where I can grow, and instead of feeling like, “oh my goodness, I’m the worst wife EVER,” I can think, “ok, I do this kind of ok!”:-)

    As a newlywed, I just LOVE that I have a place to read and guide me. I read proverbs a lot, but you really put a few versus into a beautiful lesson plan for marriage.


    • peacefulwife
      October 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

      I am so glad the blog is helping you! I WISH I knew this stuff our first summer of marriage. We had a rough start and my reactions made things infinitely worse. Set up some really destructive habits early on in our marriage. I would love to help keep another couple from going down that painful road!

      Sent from my iPhone


    • peacefulwife
      October 4, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

      When you have time, you’ll have to tell us about your husband’s proposal and send me a wedding pic!

      Sent from my iPhone


  5. Simone
    November 14, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

    Hi April,
    I notice you said: If YOU feeling loved is your goal in marriage – you will almost always be profoundly disappointed.

    I am a single woman and I aspire to be a wife one day. Let me preface I fully intend to meet his needs, lavish respect on him, make him feel successful both in our home and around others and submit to him.

    If respect is of utmost importance to the man and women want to feel loved why is it okay for his needs to be met and not hers?

    If she gives 110% and meet all his needs and he doesn’t meet hers what’s the point of marriage anyway?
    Maybe I have the wrong perspective being in a loving marraige is a goal of mine maybe I’ve been dissolusionned and marraige is an act of service and worship to God where you give fully not expecting anything in return?



    • peacefulwife
      November 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm #


      This is an awesome question!

      The awesome answer is that yes – ideally husbands would be lavishing love and respect on their wives and wives would be lavishing love and respect on their husbands and everyone would be unselfish, full of God’s Spirit and always joyfully meeting one another’s needs.

      The truth is though – we are sinners and we marry sinners. It is IMPOSSIBLE for our husbands to always meet our needs perfectly. They WILL sin against us. They WILL let us down. And we can’t control that.

      We can only control ourselves.

      I spent 15 years focusing on what my husband “should” do and how unloving I thought he was – never realizing the whole time that I was being disrespectful to him and not meeting his God-given needs. He never told me I was disrespectful or that I needed to change. When we focus on what another person “should” do – we have ZERO power in the relationship.
      It is also VERY easy to make our own needs idols that are more important to us than God or even than our husbands and then if we don’t get what we want, we sin to try to get what we want so desperately.

      Ideally, marriage is the picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. There will be times in marriage where your needs are met and it is wonderful. But there will be times in marriage where your husband cannot or will not meet your needs. So, it needs to be both – a desire for a loving marriage, but also an understanding that marriage is a covenant before God to serve and honor Him regardless of what our spouse does or does not do.

      Our high expectations create failure for our spouses when they don’t meet our expectations. Then we resent them. Resentment destroys relationships.

      So – I would recommend that once you are married, you have practically no expectations of your husband and you concentrate on obeying God on your end of the marriage and trust God to work on your husband.

      Go into marriage fully accepting and respecting your man as is. Do NOT plan to change him! That is a recipe for disaster and profound disappointment.

      Did that help?

      let me know if you need more clarification.:)


  6. Simone
    November 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm #

    Yes that helped a whole lot. Thank you!

    Your post got me thinking…
    I do realize I get swept up in expectations and hopes planning the future before it even happens. I turned 25 this year and I have never really dated or had an actual boyfriend. I am waiting on a godly relationship. I met a guy recently a few months ago who was not spiritually grounded and we became acquaintances. He wanted to be more than friends but I wouldn’t budge and unfortunately I fought tooth a nail for a friendship his didn’t want (he wanted me as a girlfriend) I clung to it way past it’s sell by date and ended up getting slinged with mud and insults and laughed at openly by him and his current girlfriend. Ouch!
    But God helped me survive and I’m glad I didn’t compromise. But I started to become attracted to him even though I didn’t want to admit it… his ambition and drive and work ethic reminded me so much of my father whom I esteem highly; so in my heart of hearts I prayed God would save him and that he’d love me and somehow respect my values, and we would have live happily ever after with our 2.5 kids. He saw me as sheltered and naive and said my views on dating were antiquated because he has dated Christian girls who were more open minded about dating and sex. That I needed to get a life date like normal people and get some new clothes😦

    If it means I’ll never may never find a partner ( no Christian guys have approached me, not one) unless I go against my conviction about being unequally yoked and having premarital sex I am willing to pay that price and do what God says whether I’m 25, 35 or 55. I am trying and learning to trust God and relax instead of trying to sit and decode my own future and see how I’m doing in reaching expected life milestones so to speak.

    I am learning so much from your blog and agree that now is the time BEFORE marriage to understand what submission and Gold womanhood really are. I have a sharp bitingly sarcastic wit and I am kind of outspoken, a perfectionist a control freak who never wants to make mistakes. I believe God is refining me even if not for marriage, as a young woman for his glory.

    I love reading your blog keep it up!

    Could you do a post about low self esteem? I am struggling especially since that incident. I see a lot I wanna change and I am upset when I don’t meet the ideal I have in my head. ( needing weight loss, nicer clothes, better skin, finsihing post grad education etc.)
    I am finding myself being cynical about love even though I deeply desire it and I want to stop.



    • peacefulwife
      November 15, 2012 at 6:36 am #


      PRAISE GOD you didn’t date that man! What a disaster that would have been! DO NOT change your convictions! They honor God. Have you seen my blog http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com? I have a lot of posts that deal with the topics you are talking about. There is one on that site by a 40 year old single guy called, “Insecurity Is a Sin” that addresses low self esteem I would recommend.
      And I have a post about not living with or sleeping with men. As well as many other posts about letting the guy lead and pursue you and letting him initiate the relationship and say “I love you” first and be the one to talk about marriage first, etc.

      Please let me know how you are doing and if you have any questions!

      Your job as a believer is to glorify God and seek His will and HIM above all else in life. Those other things you mentioned can so easily become idols if you are not super careful.:)

      BIG HUGS and much love, precious sister!


    • peacefulwife
      November 15, 2012 at 8:36 am #


      I wonder if you might allow me to use your comments anonymously as part of a post, including my response – on Peaceful Single Girl? These are great points!


  7. Simone
    November 16, 2012 at 12:49 am #

    Yes feel free to. Thanks for the the link i’ll be sure to read it.

    God bless!


    • peacefulwife
      November 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm #

      Perfect! I hope to have it up in a day or two.

      THanks, Simone!


  8. Erica
    February 21, 2013 at 9:32 am #

    Hi I really respect all the advice u gave on the subject but im not understanding when do they(the hudbands) get faulted for not considering our feelings i see where your stating that she should apologize for disrespecting him where as he should be the one doing the apologizing he is the one who is disrespecting her it just seems your giving them all the praise and they are the ones that forgot i think were giving our husbands credit on a job not well done when will they consider our feelings instead of us kissing up to them for their mistakes


    • peacefulwife
      February 21, 2013 at 7:28 pm #

      Great question!
      I only write for women. I don’t write to men. Women can choose to blast their men about how awful they are and condemn them for how horrible they were. Yep. I used to do that a lot. And all I got was one very unplugged husband who largely ignored me for 15 years.

      If you want to hold your husband accountable and try to exact justice – then, go for it!

      But if you want to influence him and want him to come closer to you and love you more – then you’ve got to use the most powerful tools in the arsenal. Your praise, your admiration, your smile, your joy. You can tell him what you want and don’t want. You can tell him you want to celebrate your anniversary a certain way. You can ask if he might make it up to you if he forgot – with a smile, pleasant tone of voice, maybe a wink. If you want him to shower you with love, affection and attention – you do that by using what works. Being negative, condemning, condescending, critical, frowning, scolding, fussing, nagging, yelling – will get you NOTHING.

      You don’t have to take responsibility for his mistakes at all. But if you can assume the best instead of the worst – you are much likely to get great results.

      It would be awesome if the husband apologized for forgetting an anniversary. But you can’t control his words or force him to do what you want and the more you try to make him do what you want – the farther you will push him away. Does that make sense?:) Thanks for the wonderful question!


      • heart
        August 5, 2015 at 4:58 am #

        What a great answer to Erica’s question! often enough, thoughts and feelings like that creep in my mind too. and it’s just so frustrating why we women get to do the humbling and pursuing. But true, there’s no power in being negative.

        1 Peter 3:10 For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil…


  9. shawn mitchell
    November 1, 2013 at 11:48 pm #

    This really Blessed my soul and helped me to understand. Wow. I do have a wonderful hubby and he try to give me everthing that I want. I waa hurt at first but thank you husband and wife team for displaying your feeling to help other wives to look at the big picture and not be so self centered. Its true Men are wired diffrently but it dont determine their true love for us. Now I can fo hug my hubby and say happy anniversary!! Im so thankful to God that I didnt go to bed making feel bad. Keep doing the work of the Lord. God bless you.


    • peacefulwife
      November 2, 2013 at 6:44 am #

      I’m so glad this post blessed you.:) Puts everything in a totally different perspective, doesn’t it? I’m so glad you were able to feel at peace before going to bed. Happy Anniversary!


  10. trying to learn after 19 years
    September 4, 2014 at 8:30 am #

    Hello I like so many other wives am trying to understand men but mainly my man. Our 19th anniversary was Sept 2nd and we were not able to really celebrate it due to my husband’s work. Anyway he came and got me from work to take me to lunch on our anniversary however he spent most of the time on the phone. So than he told me we would go to dinner the day after and he made reservations at a nice restaurant. Which I was looking forward to, that is till I found out he also invited some friends of ours that we enjoy hanging out with to join us. I was very mad and tried to not show how upset I was. I just wonder if I’m being justified in how I’m feeling?


    • Peacefulwife
      September 4, 2014 at 8:34 am #

      trying to learn,

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      It is ok to say what you would like! I think it is entirely possible to say you would prefer just the two of you to go out, and to focus on each other during that time, without being bitter, resentful or disrespectful.

      Did you mention to him what you would prefer?


  11. Kevin M
    May 14, 2015 at 9:28 pm #

    Reading all this “oh its just ok, it should be about us” is _________. As a man who looks forward and remembers dates like this its disrespectful and hurtful when your partner doesn’t share it. Are they their own person? Yes! But are they in a relationship??? ____ yes. And that is why it IS important. Excuses are just that. Sure my wife might love me, but does she love me “enough” isnt the word, but does she love like God asks to look beyond her own selfishness? To tune into what I want and make it special for me as a sign of whats important to her too??? There’s nothing hurtful or wounded child going on, its simply selfishness.

    There isn’t a person readint this that wouldnt swap a special day for a regular old day when the husband or wife goes out of their way for you, but the big days are supposed to be the days when IT DOES MATTER. Enough crap and call it what it is. You want to answer a blog post???? Answer the question, where do you go from here when you know things are one sided and you get skipped 364 days out of the year plus the one big day. That totals 365 miss know it all… I dare you.


    • Peacefulwife
      May 15, 2015 at 8:01 am #

      Kevin M,

      Wow. That is a lot of anger. I’m so sorry to hear that things are not going very well. I’d love to hear more about what is going on if you feel like talking about it with me.

      I write for women – but we do talk quite a lot here about what to do when a marriage feels very one-sided. I believe that there is every reason for hope in Christ even in such a painful situation. If you are serious about wanting to talk about this with me, I’m here.

      May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His greatest glory, my brother.


    • Peacefulwife
      May 15, 2015 at 9:53 am #

      Kevin M,

      I have some posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect for husbands that may help you see where I am coming from a bit more clearly than just this one post.


  12. heart
    August 5, 2015 at 4:44 am #

    You said in one of your comments, “Sometimes husbands feel that the pursuit is gone once they “win” the prize and get married. So they settle in and get comfortable and stop doing the wooing stuff. They know they love you and think it’s a done deal.”

    Is there ever a way to keep this from happening? =(

    it’s such a sad thought when things have to change!


    • Peacefulwife
      August 5, 2015 at 8:36 pm #


      Women do the same thing! We doll ourselves up and try to look our best and dress up and do our make up and hair just right when we are dating – then we wear ponytails and sweats when we are married. I think it is probably part of human nature not to be able to maintain the intensity of courtship throughout all of marriage.

      But – there are plenty of things wives can do that will bless, honor, and attract their husbands. We can’t make them be romantic the ways we want them to. We can ask for what we want without manipulation and without resentment if we don’t get what we would like.

      10 ways to bless your husband
      Godly Femininity
      What Is Attractive to Husbands?
      Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected
      What Is Respect in Marriage?

      Let me know if this is helpful!

      Much love to you!


      • heart
        August 5, 2015 at 11:42 pm #

        That is so true! I never thought about it like that! What great insight! This is helpful! Will go thru the links. =)

        thanks very much! You’re awesome!


  13. erikchelle
    August 11, 2015 at 10:27 pm #

    As a wife who actually is the more forgetful of the two of us in my marriage, I tend to sympathize more with the forgetful guys. I haven’t actually forgotten a special day or anything, but I do tend to feel really pressured and panicky that whatever I do won’t be as extravagant as my husband might have hoped. In my family growing up special days were downplayed so as an adult I find it pretty easy to be happy as long as I get to be with my husband. But his family made a huge deal of birthdays so I’ve always felt a little like I’m set up to fail (not that it’s actually true- he really does appreciate whatever I do.) But still it’s obvious we have different expectations about this. So I’m wondering if the guys feel that way too. Like any gesture they make is going to be nowhere near as grand as the wife was expecting so it doesn’t feel rewarding to try. It makes you want to forget because thinking about the possible expectations and how no matter what you’ll probably fail them, is stressful. To top it off guys aren’t as aware of their exact feelings sometimes as we are so they probably wouldn’t be the first to put any of that into words.. Anyway I think your advice is amazing. Framing it so there’s no room for failure. The guy can’t fail if the wife is only expecting to control her own actions. Hopefully that way anything he does do gets appreciated more which will motivate him to do it again.:)


  14. Aja
    May 3, 2016 at 5:21 pm #

    This article was such a blessing to read! It really made me realize where I have been going down the wrong path a bit and putting way to much pressure on my husband regarding our anniversaries. I intend to aplogize to him and to not make it such a big deal! So many good and true points! Thank you!


    • Peacefulwife
      May 4, 2016 at 8:04 am #


      It is wonderful to meet you!:)
      Woohoo!!! This is awesome!!!!!!!!!! Praise God!


  15. Ana wilkinson
    May 15, 2016 at 6:45 am #

    This was a great article thank you. I’m about to celebrate my one year and I know he will forget I already have his gift can’t I just put it in his car on the day of? What do you think about that


    • Peacefulwife
      May 15, 2016 at 7:25 am #

      Ana Wilkinson,

      How about say, in a pleasant, friendly way, what you would like to do to celebrate together? “Honey, you know what I think would be amazing? Maybe we could go to X restaurant for our anniversary. Or is there something special that would mean a lot to you for us to do together to celebrate?”



  1. Why Valentine’s Day Can Be Scary to Our Men! | Peacefulwife's Blog - February 9, 2013

    […] We are going to be looking at our Valentine’s Day expectations and attitudes and how to honor God and our husbands this Valentine’s Day.  I want us to focus on Christ, and having a servant’s heart – not “what am I going to get?”   Here is a Christian single guy’s take on Valentine’s Day expectations from women: I agree that women often do have ridiculously sky-high expectations for Valentine’s Day.  Women seem to want men to dazzle them repeatedly with the same set of pre-approved and predictably larger-than-life Hollywood experiences, but then they somehow also want to remain unaware and become magically surprised each time by the results.  They demand, “Do XYZ for me, but don’t be predictable, “boring”, or unoriginal while you do it.”  From their perspective it makes sense because it fees good, but it still defies logic!  There are only so many ways to repackage perfection! This makes me wonder, “How loving could it possibly be to demand actions from others on your behalf, then stand in harsh judgement of them and critique them as they attempt to do as you wish.  This doesn’t sound very loving at all!  Love isn’t supposed to be demanding!  It isn’t self-seeking!” While, women might occasionally be entertained at all these attempts to please them, many men just feel like toy monkeys commanded to dance on cue. Unless a man is willing and actually DESIRES to jump through all these arbitrary hoops because he REALLY, REALLY, REALLY loves a woman, he just feels obligated to play the part, do the dance, make her feel like she is happy, and make it through the day unscathed. Unless he REALLY does love her, he is just trying to avoid her guaranteed criticism!  At that point, he isn’t even jumping through hoops or dancing on cue for her benefit, but for his own continued peace of mind. What is most troubling is that men know these demands and sky-high expectations women have exist 365 days a year, but Valentine’s Day is just one of the days society allows women overtly to expect to receive Hollywood-style, glamorized, idealized, and idolized attention and affection, whether men desire to give it on command or not. Worse, it is sometimes only one-sided affection.  For some reason, some women feel entitled to receive affection with no thought to ever give any in return.  Some women don’t seem to care whether or not their men feel loved or are happy in the relationship at all.  They only seem concerned with their own happiness. Are women celebrating their relationships or just themselves? Most men want to make their women happy, but hate all the obligations and judgements we have to deal with on Valentine’s Day.  If women want authentic affection, they should accept it however it is offered, not reject it because it doesn’t seem as impressive as what they saw in a movie once or what one of their friends may have experienced in the past. Do women want the brief emotional high of fictional love or the strength and depth of real love?! What they want might seem exciting on Valentines Day, but what they need could already be happening most other days of the year without them ever noticing.  Celebrate those days too! Sometimes real love is messy and unexciting, and God is pleased! Sometimes serving chicken soup to a sick boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, or holding their hand and telling them you love them as you drive them to the hospital might be the most “romantic” thing you could do for them. Women should make Valentine’s Day a romantic experience for men as well, by sharing friendly, shoulder-to-shoulder activities that their men enjoy.  Celebrate the relationship together in ways you both will appreciate, not just in ways you’re used to seeing it acted out on-screen or portrayed throughout society, because when those moments fade, you’ll always want something deeper and more significant. Focus less on taking or expecting to receive! Focus more on appreciating and giving selflessly! You are both in love together! Celebrate your relationship together! Valentine’s Day is for both of you! So is every other day of the year! AVOIDING VALENTINE’S DAY DISASTERS – a 5 minute VIDEO by Peacefulwife <iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/Be0O2ERkSHk?rel=0&#8243; frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen> RELATED POSTS My Husband Didn’t Get Me Anything for Our Anniversary – and I am HAPPY! My Husband Forgot Our Anniversary […]


  2. husband forgot 5 year anniversary | Husband - March 31, 2015

    […] “My Husband Forgot Our Anniversary” | Peacefulwife’s Blog […]


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