Help! My Husband NEVER Compliments Me!!!

I am not an expert, a counselor, a psychologist, a theologian or a pastor. I am just an ordinary Christian wife. My posts and my blog may be helpful for you – they may not be.  I share ideas and suggestions – they are not rules and they are not guarantees.  Ultimately, each wife must prayerfully decide what she believes God wants her to do to obey Him and to honor Him in her unique situation. God has wisdom. I do not. I write specifically for wives who tend to be controlling and dominating. Wives who tend to be more quiet and have dominating husbands may find that my blog is not a good fit for them. If your husband is abusing you, please seek godly, experienced, wise counsel ASAP! Please be safe! Please do not read my blog if you are a wife who is being abused. You will need VERY specific help in that situation. 

Here is a letter from a reader.  Her emails are in black, mine are in blue.  I know this is a HUGE issue for many women.  I pray that we might be able to tackle this situation in a godly way that builds our marriages, helps us understand our husbands’ perspectives a bit better, and creates unity.


I hope you can help me. I have a situation with my husband and I have no idea what to do , as far as how I am supposed to act in all this. First let me say that my husband is the quiet, shy type. We’ve been married 6 years. We have 2 kids together. We are both living for God.

Ok, so the problem I am having is that my husband NEVER compliments me or praises me for ANYTHING. I am not dramatizing it either. He never has. He’s never even said “You’re beautiful,” “You look good in that dress”…etc.. This isn’t something he just stopped doing, he’s never done it even when we were dating.

At first, I thought, “Oh he’s just shy, he’ll come around eventually,” but he never did. So now after 6 years he still hasn’t. We have argued, or should I say –  I have fussed and he just sat there – about this all through the years. His reasoning for it is “Those things just never come to my mind”. I feel soooooo unloved and unattractive and it really bothers me that he can’t compliment me. This goes beyond just complimenting me on looks, but I’m trying to deal with one issue a at a time.

This has bothered me so much that for years, I have been having unwanted dreams. Dreams of me falling in love with someone and having the “perfect” husband/boyfriend. I can’t stand that I am dreaming things I shouldn’t be. I hate that. I can’t control my dreams but It makes me feel like I’m cheating on my husband. I just don’t know what to do. I so desperately want to hear my husband say I’m beautiful. But after 6 years I feel I just need to accept that I will never hear it, but it hurts too much to accept it.


I can relate to wanting more compliments. I TOTALLY understand how it makes you feel unloved and unwanted. Women are built to need words and compliments. Words are so important to us.  Most men have NO IDEA how critical their words of love and compliments are to us. 

(Gentlemen, your loving WORDS are extremely powerful tools to make us feel loved, accepted, desired, beautiful and confident in our marriage and in your love.  They water the garden of our soul!!!! They must be sincere – and for most of us, we’d like to have some loving words from you every single day.  The more detail, the better!  The more frequent, the better!)

I have a few observations that may possibly be helpful:

– Some men are not as verbal as we are. This stuff may not come naturally AT ALL for some husbands.  And if your husband is particularly quiet and introverted – sometimes it may just feel impossibly difficult for him to do things like this.  If your husband is like mine, he feels awkward saying things like that, it is just like trying to speak a foreign language.

– My husband is pretty quiet and introverted, too. BUT, just because he doesn’t give compliments doesn’t mean that he isn’t attracted to me or that he doesn’t love me.  Since I have started respecting him, my husband gives me an occasional compliment now – so I make sure he knows that I appreciate it VERY much when he does compliment me.  And I thank him with a HUGE smile!  But I do not fish for compliments, demand compliments, ask for compliments or expect compliments – or loving emails or love letters anymore.  That right there solves the problem for me!

If you make getting compliments your goal – you are going to be REALLY disappointed  a lot – I PROMISE. Trying to make him compliment you or deciding that you can never be happy until he compliments you can easily become an idol that can be destructive in your marriage and your relationship with Christ. 

– You can TRY asking for compliments, love letters, emails or text messages if you want to (briefly and occasionally). Sometimes that works. But I would not recommend demanding love letters, emails, and compliments. The minute you make a demand for it, now he is being pressured because of your sky high expectations.  And he is not going to do it.  He may feel so much pressure from you and may feel coerced or forced that he will not do it just because he doesn’t want to give in to your pressure. That is actually a good thing, even though it may not seem so, it means he has a back bone and is a man of his convictions and won’t cave to a lot of emotion and pressure – which can be a very handy quality in a leader! So, usually, I would say, ask for what you want respectfully once.  But in this situation, it gets sticky.  I may just check with Laura Doyle, author of “The Surrendered Wife” and see what her take on this might be!  I’ll keep you posted!

– There are men who will give WONDERFUL, JUICY, ROMANTIC, SEXY compliments but they usually also dole out equally powerful and lengthy criticism and often are  controlling, too. Your husband’s lack of compliments probably also has a good flip side. I am assuming he is like my husband and doesn’t give much criticism, either. WHAT A BLESSING! If you have been around a wife whose husband gives great compliments but then he tries to control her every bite of food and also is very free with the criticism of every little thing – it can make you REALLY appreciate having a husband who is more quiet!

– If you have pitched a fit in the past multiple times about wanting him to compliment you – that is going to make him even more squeamish about ever trying to compliment you in the future. He will feel too pressured. He will feel like he can’t do a good enough job. He probably will avoid it just because it was such a big deal before.

– The fact that he has ALWAYS been this way tells me that he hasn’t changed.  And it tells me this is his basic personality.  He is the same guy you fell in love with. So I am VERY sure that he still finds you attractive even if he doesn’t say it.

– I would like you to pray about sacrificing this desire to Christ – accepting that your husband’s personality is not malicious towards you, but that this is just how he is. He has good intentions toward you. He is not trying to be unloving. He shows his love for you in other ways.

– You can’t change this about him.

– I think it could be a good idea (if you pray about this and believe God is leading you to say something) to tell him at some point, after you have wrestled with God about this, “Honey, I know I have pressured you in the past to give me compliments. I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you and tried to get you to be someone you aren’t. I respect the man you are and I accept you. I don’t want to change you.”

– Pray that God will help you see ALL the things your husband DOES do to show you that he loves you. He works to provide for the family, he smiles at you, he helps with the children, he wants you sexually, he takes care of the yard/cars, he protects you when you are in trouble, he is dependable and responsible, he takes care of you when you are sick. Whenever he does something to show he loves you, thank him and SMILE at him and say, “I feel SO loved when you do that for me!”

– Guys don’t marry women they aren’t attracted to in general. There is a great chance that your husband thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Rest in that. He married you. He wanted you. You can relax in knowing that he finds you sexy and beautiful even if he doesn’t say it.  If he is there and plugged in and wants to be with you – take his actions seriously and believe them even if you don’t hear the words you want to hear.  His actions will tell you his true priorities.  Men value actions MUCH MORE than words!

– As you take the pressure and expectations off, he may surprise you and give you a compliment or two one day. But even if he never does, THAT IS OK. If this is the biggest problem you have with him – you are the luckiest woman on the face of the earth!!!! Enjoy him and accept him and appreciate the incredible man that he is!


Thank you so much for your reply. You are right. I do know other husbands who do this, and at times its seems they are trying to mold a trophy wife type. So, I am VERY thankful my hubby doesn’t do this.

He does a lot of things. Works, takes care of all the outside work, when he is around me he has to be touching me somehow, like rubbing my arm or scratching my back, does repairs around the house. He doesn’t really ever scold me, never yells at me. And he is very forgiving! I asked him once, “How can you ever forgive me?”  And he said, “Love is forgiving.”

He really truly is a great man. He’s not your typical man either, not into sports or cars. We are all each other has, we don’t have friends we hang out with. So its just us and the kids.

Well thanks again for your help! I follow your posts and try to do the things you say. I am getting better. I can’t wait to get to that place you are in your marriage.


Your husband sounds a lot like mine!!!

I wonder what might happen if you were to assume that every time he touches you or smiles at you that he IS telling you that you are the only girl for him, that you are beautiful and sexy in his eyes and that you are the most precious gift God has ever given him. That is what he means, even if he can’t verbalize it.:)

Gentlemen – do you have anything you would like to add from a masculine perspective that might help us understand a bit better, please?

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99 Comments on “Help! My Husband NEVER Compliments Me!!!”

  1. Glenda
    August 8, 2012 at 8:08 am #

    Dear Reader, it is really hard to feel loved when it is not in your language. He gives touch and you need verbal – I know it sometimes makes me want to scream!!! Right now I would take either BUT… I have learned to look closely for those very few, tiny moments when “anything” is said that resembles something positive he might be showing me and just grin from ear to ear. They do eventually come more frequently and we just need to be aware and be sure to respond kindly when they do!
    Patience is not my virtue but I am working on it😉
    Thank you PW for giving us clarity:)


    • peacefulwife
      August 8, 2012 at 9:30 am #


      Awesome attitude! Those big smiles will definitely reinforce that behavior in a powerful way! Great job!


    • jay
      May 20, 2013 at 8:37 am #

      its not just the male brain

      but it could also be aspergers

      they are very smart, can be caring maybe with practical things

      but their brain gets overloaded re emotional things. it really is so hard for them to think of how to say something warm and emotional

      they may also find affection touch difficult.

      yet they may be smart, responsible, caring in other ways, loyal trustworthy.

      i’ve also found like one of the writers wrote that the more i am gentle and loving to them, then the more i am surprised with more love in ways that i need

      however the woman can suffer low self esteem and feeling love deprived because we do need words hugs compliments affection.

      we have to really try to learn about their brain as their brain is truly wired differently.

      with counsellling they can learn to shift a bit but its not easy for them, its the brain wiring.

      Have you read the 5 love languages or heard the cd. it talks of us having 5 love languages, eg touch, words, presents, and i cant remember the rest. What is his way of shwoing you he loves you?

      recognise the way he does show it, but yes its tough if you want and need words as we all do , and thats not how he is wired, but counselling can shift it a bit

      as can you being more loving gentle

      ( i found the art of love relationship series, its not expensive and its immeidately downloadable and really helped me be more loving and that in turn magically got me more of what i had wanted, written about, asked for without much success.

      the honey does attract more than the sting!
      warmth does achive more than assertiveness or letters or asking

      even asking can be done more gently.

      improving communication skills to cause more love and less defensiveness can mean you will get more of what you want .


  2. Ryan
    August 8, 2012 at 9:25 am #

    You know it’s so interesting to see both sides of the coin. I read the response from the wife that he takes care of all the outside work, and is always touching you when you are together, and gives backscratches, etc. That is EXACTLY how many men express their love and even more for those that are shy. Words are scary things because you never know if what you will say will come out right, but everyone knows a backscratch is about the most intimate thing in the world. At least that’s how it sounds in my head.

    I’ve found that when I look back at many of the things I did to try and show my wife I loved her and wanted her, etc are exactly what I wanted her to do for me. So give it a try and see how it works. Study your husband. If he scratches your back make an effort to go scratch his while he’s sitting in a chair putting on his shoes. When you pass him in the hallway reach out and touch him and make sure he knows it’s not just an opps sorry was trying to squeeze through but a I purposely touched you because I love you as I’m passing by just to say I LOVE YOU…

    As PeacefulWife pointed out. Anytime he does something that you do like (maybe he just gives you that look out of the corner of his eye and doesn’t say anything but you can see the little grin he gets on his face) tell him thanks. It makes me feel so loved when you look at me like that. Odds are that while the words are scary the little looks you don’t notice or the times he might stare over the top of a book or newspaper as you walk past are saying EXACTLY what you want to hear just not in so many verbal words.

    If you encourage the little things in time he may get the idea that it’s okay to try other ways to express it.. or as pointed out he might be at a place where you can just casually add in a thank you something like. Thanks for that little grin. It’s those looks and the occasional times you tell me how great I look that really make my day. Just put it out there even if it’s not happening and trust that he will do his best to meet your needs in time.


    • peacefulwife
      August 8, 2012 at 9:43 am #

      I am SO glad you commented. I appreciate your masculine perspective here – it is EXTREMELY helpful to the wives! Thank you for your insights and wisdom. I pray that many wives will carefully consider your words. Great job!


  3. Rookie Writer
    August 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    i have to agree that as a husband, I don’t compliment my wife a lot. However this doesn’t mean that we don’t love our wives. Some husbands, especially me, have to watch how we compliment our wives. Just because it’s sexy from our perspective doesn’t mean it’s sexy in their perspective. I said something to my wife one time and she thought I called her fat. Are you kidding me!? I know not to do that. And it went on from there. So it’s hard for us to openly compliment our wives at times because we don’t know what mind set they are in.

    Our love towards our wives tend to be more physical than verbal. And in some cases, the wife is the complete opposite.


    • peacefulwife
      August 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

      Rookie Writer,

      I think your point is really important! If we misinterpret a compliment and get really upset about it – our husbands are going to be VERY cautious about trying to do that again.

      Thanks so much for your valuable perspective!


  4. Martha A
    November 24, 2012 at 6:57 pm #

    Thanks for this post. I have been really struggling with this in my marriage. I’ve told my husband several times how important it is for me to hear him say that I’m beautiful. He says it to his daughters, just not to me – even though I believe that he loves me and is attracted to me. The main thing that’s happened is that now he doesn’t dare tell his daughters that they’re beautiful. That really was not what I had in mind.

    It seems like such a small thing to ask – I can’t understand why it’s so impossible for him. I don’t feel it’s asking him to change his personality. To me it’s like asking him to give me a backrub, not like asking him to run naked through the streets. He can’t explain. I suspect that it’s a behaviour he picked up from his father, who probably hardly dared to compliment his wife. She died long before we met, but from what I’ve heard, she probably would have made a sarcastic remark if he said anything nice to her. Not me – I just say thanks.

    But I like the advice about praying to sacrifice this desire to Jesus. I’m not sure if I can do it, but I can see that it would be a noble and wise thing to do, so thank you for the thought.



    • peacefulwife
      November 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm #

      I’m so glad to hear from you!
      I know to women who are extremely verbal – it seems like a very small thing to ask a man to compliment us. But to a man, if he feels pressured (which I am sure your husband does from your description) – it is too much of a risk of failure. He doesn’t want to fail. Men aren’t always great at compliments – and, especially if he has been criticized before for not complimenting you or for not doing it right or not doing it enough – he is going to feel burned already and be even more intimidated by the thought of it.

      My husband is like this, too! I had to release him from ALL my expectations about compliments, texts, emails, phone calls, praying with me, love letters – and allow him to be in my good graces even if he never ever did any of these things for me ever again.

      Then if he does something for me – it is a gift and I praise him for it.

      I look to God now for affirmation, for my purpose, for my value, for my worth, for my sense of femininity and beauty. My confidence is in Him. Then I am stable and full of His peace, joy and power no matter what my husband does or does not do. I don’t let my feelings of being loved become an idol, and I don’t put my husband as an idol – expecting him to be responsible for my happiness. Now I rest my happiness in Christ – I find my joy in Him.

      Now, my husband will occasionally compliment me, email me, text me, etc… but I am completely stable and unshakable when he doesn’t. I have God and He has written me the most exquisite love letter EVER! I feast on it daily and find all the affirmation, love and security I need in His Word.

      Let me know if you need anything!


      • Stacy
        May 29, 2015 at 9:45 pm #

        Wow! That completely ministered to me! I’ve read this post and the responses because I struggle with the same thing. This is a wonderful exhortation.


      • Looking for answers
        January 17, 2016 at 1:21 pm #

        I really appreciate the way that you take both perspectives. Thats why I decided to write this and hopefully find out what I am doing wrong.

        With that being said, my husband compliments me a lot on looks and intimacy. My problems is, nothing else that I do is right. For example, I can’t seem to do anything right for him like things that I buy: toothpast, dental floss, food, tissue, paper towel, and the list goes on and on.

        Now, this may sound a bit trival to some, I feel differently. Even movies that I like (although may be B movies at time), he says he is not interested. The music that I listen to, is wrong and not his taste. And that is fine, but NOTHING! I ask myself why did he ask me to marry him, if we have no common interests? On these types of topics, he will admit to me that he feels that he can do it better. That makes me really angry.

        We once separted and I moved back to my home state. But, on my way back to NC from MD, I was in a car accident. I was upset because my husband and I had just gotten into a terrible argument. Since he was the closest, I decided to contact my husband since it was only about 20 miles from our house. Well, I couldn’t contact him, he had changed his phone number. And since I was fine and all the way in MD, I decided not to call my mom. She is 83 years old and I didn’t want to worry her. I had his dad’s phone number and decided to him. He said that he did not have his sons number, but he did. Later, I found out that the only thing he did was call my husband and say that I was lying about the accident. My husbands dad is known for doing these types of things to people. He did stuff like that to his ex-wife as well. My husband won’t admit it, but growing up witnessing his parents argue and his dad constantly taking his mom to court, may have subconsciously impacted him. But, I feel that my husband is an adult now and should make his own decisions. For time sake, I am skipping forward a couple of weeks. During that time we were fighting for custody of our children. This became a nightmare. His father kept calling me, sending certified mail telling me that the children would benefit from being around them. I felt that was something that my husband should be doing. Not his father. My husband did nothing. I got a speeding ticket once and my father-in-law showed up for my court appearance. He drove from NC to MD. I know that it is clear that he hated me, but come on. He was relentless with the things that he would do and, might I add, childish.

        Well, six years later, everyone is getting along and my husband and I are happy. There are times, though, that I think about the time that we were separted and want to know why he never put a stop to the harassment. He would only say that my story is one sided and its more to it. I asked him to clarify. He never does. I do remember that when we were separted, he told me that it was between me and his dad. In short, he had nothing to do with it. And deep down, I know that I should let these things go since we are back together now, but I never got closure. While we were separted, we both agreed that we needed to make changes in our own lives, but the only one that made a change, is me. In my husbands eyes, I was the only one that needed to make changes. I have observed nothing from him.

        Any feedback that you can give me is appreciated. I just need to understand what I am doing wrong.


        Looking for answers


        • Peacefulwife
          April 2, 2016 at 1:00 pm #

          Looking for Answers,

          Oh no! I didn’t intend to ignore you. My apologies!!!!

          I’m so glad you said something so that I could catch this comment that I missed.

          It is difficult to live with someone who criticizes our choices often. Sometimes people who are perfectionists tend to do this. Ultimately, I think it probably boils down to pride. Please see this post.

          So you are still feeling bitter and resentful maybe at your husband and his dad about that time during your separation?

          How is your walk with Christ going?

          What do you want in your relationship with God?

          What do you want in your relationship with your husband and with his dad?

          Much love to you!


            April 9, 2016 at 9:42 am #

            Thank you for responding back. I figured that it had to be that you just didn’t see it because you were responding to everyone’s post. I don’t consider my husband a perfectionist. I see him narsitisticist at times. He got that from his dad. I am no longer bitter with my husband now but, still at times, find his ,”I can’t do no wrong” attitude, offensive and a big turn off. I love confidence. Nice, clean confidence. It’s refreshing. Arrogance, I have no time for. But, I do love him. He is a good, hard working man with great values and intentions. That I am thankful for. And, I am on good terms with everyone now. It’s less toxic that way. By that, I mean for me, my sanity and we’ll being. My walk with God is good. It’s not where it needs to be. I want my children to know Him. Love Him. And know that without Him, nothing is possible. It does kind of bother me that not once did I get an apology or explanation as to why things happened the way that they did. And where did all the lie’s come from? But, he is sick now, (the father in law) and keep bringing up old things says a lot more about me than him. So, I decided to put it all in God’s hands. That’s the only way to keep peace in my home, my relationship and most importantly, my spirit. When I hear my husband say things like, “keeping your business in the home, is the best way to be, I know that now.” So he did know that things were not right. That was God’s way of telling me that everything’s going to be okay. I take solace in that.
            I want my entire family to go to church together. If not, my mom said go anyway. He may eventually follow. I was raised Baptist, but, as I have gotten older, my interest tends to lean more towards the Catholic faith. I will never know by just talking about it. Thank you for getting back to me. It means a lot. Much love to you and yours!!!


            • Peacefulwife
              April 9, 2016 at 2:49 pm #

              Looking for Answers,

              Pride is offensive. Yep. We can see it in others and it is so repulsive! Funny how blind I can be to my own pride.😦

              I’m glad you are not bitter anymore. That is awesome! Bitterness is extremely toxic – so I praise God for helping you deal with that and get rid of it all. I am glad you are trusting things to God. I pray for His continued wisdom for you, my precious sister.

              That kind of sounds like an apology from your husband. I’m glad he sees now that what he did made things worse and there are better ways to handle things just with you.

              Praying for God to continue to bring healing to your soul and for you and your husband to love and live for Him wholeheartedly. And praying for your FIL, too.

              Much love!


              • Stephanie
                April 9, 2016 at 6:23 pm #

                Thank you so much. I have done a lot of soul searching over the years and realize now, that I needed to change a lot about myself. I see soul searching as “Mother Nature’s” way of cleansing us from the inside out. Once we are healed on the inside, we can only then start the healing process. I thank God for that. I have a long ways to go, but, hey, at least thats a start. Thank you also for your prayers for both me and my family. God bless you my sister in Christ.


      • Hasotherideas
        January 18, 2016 at 10:47 am #

        I find this post destructible in nature. Really picking away at one of the most basic needs of human society that includes Christian society (I know the two like to be separated at least in the believers mind). This blog offers no real help. Only in the way that Christian woman are supposed to submissive can you find real peace in your marriage? That’s such a load of you know what?! In reality you’re trying to convince these women that they don’t need the love of their husbands to make them feel complete…only the love of the Heavenly Father will do that?! And what’s more is the husbands that stumble upon this. Taking confirmation that “hey I don’t have to try to make her happy”, “I scratch her back.”Wrong. And this is why I left organized religion. I disagree fully. You need both the love of the Father and you absolutely have to feel loved here on earth by your husband …it’s a must! If you convince yourself all your needs are met by God you are living in a delusion. And you will have a mid life crisis and soon question your own faith living such a lie. We weren’t sent here to not experience this life and everything that falls between that dash between the two dates that define your life. We have eternity to dine with the father. If our lives make us question that I’m not sure we’ll ever get there. We are human…simple. We have needs the Creator created. I will never give up my desire for my husband to pursue me and to continue to remind me how he sees me. This is not an “unchristian” standpoint it is a human one. If God didn’t want us to experience human desires he would have made us all divine. Acting on a human will to love and be loved is the only reason we are here. The fact that so many woman are giving up their desires for their husbands based on submissive will…will come back toxic. This thought process of I will do whatever my husband has me do is a religious stigma that will ultimately destroy the woman. She has to continuously lay down her will because divorce is not an option.


        • Peacefulwife
          January 18, 2016 at 7:35 pm #


          Thank you for sharing your concerns.:)

          I think you are misunderstanding me in some really awful ways. I will attempt to clarify.

          1. The only place that real peace, contentment, joy, purpose, security, unconditional love, and honor is found for anyone – male or female, believer or unbeliever – is in Christ Jesus. He is the only Source of these things. He IS all of these things. No human relationship or anything in this world can meet the deepest needs of a person’s soul in the place of Jesus. He is the Greatest Treasure there is. When we know Him – we have Real Love and Real Life. When we have Him – we have everything that matters, no matter what might be going on in our circumstances. The key is full submission to Christ as Lord for men and for women. Submission in marriage is not the key. Submission to Christ is the key.

          2. Yes, only the love of Jesus can truly fulfill us, heal us, transform us, and give us Living Water.

          3. It would be ideal and wonderful and it is the goal for every spouse to feel loved and respected in marriage and for every spouse to give love and respect in marriage. But no spouse can take the place of Christ or be Jesus to us. I want to see marriages healed- and I have seen God heal hundreds of marriages around the world here. But the first step is our relationship with Christ – that is true for husbands or for wives. (I don’t write for husbands, but this would apply to them, too.)

          4. When we are right with Christ and empowered by His Spirit and His truth, then He can pour through us to begin to breathe healing into our marriages. If we try to fix our marriages in our own human strength and wisdom, we will probably just make a bigger mess. But when God partners with us and we are doing things His way and walking in obedience to Him and Spirit-filled, then He brings healing into the marriage and He very often begins to heal our spouse, as well. But that is in His timing and it is not a guarantee that He will change our spouse the way we want Him to. The guarantee when we come to Christ and yield fully to Him as Lord is that He will change US. And if He is going to change our spouse, it will be down this path where we allow Him to change us first.

          5. If a husband reads this blog, he should be able to realize that almost all of Scripture and the things I talk about apply to men, as well. I just don’t teach men. But the Bible still applies to men and God holds all of us accountable to submit to Christ as Lord and to obey His Word for us. We are all to love with unconditional, godly, 1 Corinthians 13 love. We are all to be Spirit-filled and to radiate the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control of Christ to everyone in our lives – not because they deserve that treatment but because Jesus deserves it and He is empowering us to live with His character. All believers are to die to self and take up our cross and follow Christ daily, seeking His will far above our own and desiring to please Him far above all else.

          6. We are human and we have needs. Yes. It would be awesome if our spouses meet our needs. Absolutely. They should be involved in meeting our needs in many ways. Yes. But we don’t control them. And they will sin against us at times. What will we do in those moments? Do we believe we are justified to respond with sin against them in retaliation to try to force them to give us what we want? Or do we respond God’s way by paying back evil with good like He commands us to in Romans 12? We have needs. We are human. But when we are in Christ, He empowers us with supernatural strength from Him to do things that we could never do in human strength. He allows us to partake of His divine nature when His Spirit fills us. He calls us to act and love as He does, divinely.

          7. If a woman attempts to submit to her husband in her own strength, it would be very difficult and she may overdo it and become a doormat and it could be toxic. Yes. But if she submits to her husband – meaning, she honors his God-given authority and trusts God to lead her through her imperfect husband because our God is that sovereign and powerful – she is coming to her marriage from a position of great faith and strength in Christ, not a position of weakness. She has all of the resources of heaven at her disposal as she trusts Christ fully and abides in Him completely. God can and will give her wisdom about if there are times not to submit (like when a husband is dangerous, not in his right mind, or asking his wife to sin or condone sin). But He can empower her to honor her husband’s leadership in other situations and then He may do miracles to change the situation or He may change her husband’s heart. Or He may lead her husband to do something she doesn’t understand at the time but that is for her good, her protection, and God’s glory and she will understand later.

          8. All believers are called to lay down self and our will and to focus on God’s will. We are dead to self and to our sinful natures. That has been crucified with Christ and nailed to the cross and buried with Jesus. Now we are dead to self and this world and sin and alive to God through Christ. Now we are no longer slaves to sin but instruments of righteousness.

          Much love to you! Thank you for commenting.:)


    • Cristal
      January 23, 2016 at 5:32 am #

      Wow! I’m having almost the same problem! He has said it literally once or twice in our 10 year relationship. I have very low self esteem, n lately wonders why I’m not affectionate towards him. Well, obviously it’s because he can’t make me feel the least bit desire able. Anyway, I tried just to let it go because he it wasn’t like he was the sort of man that would even mention to me that another woman was beautiful, u know like some men are just ‘smooth’ like that, even tho it bothered me so much. a couple of months ago he was really busy working a lot n I felt something wasn’t right, he was barely there for me or our 2boys. I felt like I was being avoided. So even tho I had stopped going thru his phone and stuff for more than a few years cause I’ve been really trying to get rid of my trust issues, I picked it up 1 morning, while he was still sleeping I checked out the texts and private fab messages. Of course there had to be a few women in there but I understand he works at a bar n djs part time, so that’s what those were about. Then I seen 1 from his best friend that lives out of state, I know the talk, never met her yet, n didn’t think I had anything to worry about, yet I opened it anyway to find a long convo reminiscing about the past, which was totally fine, but the last text from him said sweet dreams beautiful. Now I know this may seem like a small n insignificant problem, I don’t believe he has ever been unfaithful, but it truly broke my heart. Like I said, he doesn’t say it to his own wife. I don’t think it’s right for a married man to say that to another woman. I’ve really been trying so hard to move past this, he has apologized n said his thing for me is calling me babe, ‘I don’t call anyone else babe’…idk what to think. I’ve suggested a marriage counselor n after him saying he didn’t think that’d work he did call supposedly, but I’ve never heard back. With me, fights don’t last very long, I have a terrible memory, n I think he gets away with a lot, lol. But I seriously don’t know how to get past this, I don’t have many ppl to talk to so I tried doing this, mind you I’ve never done anything like this before so plz forgive me if this is the wrong way. Thank you in advance for any help or suggestions anyone can give me. ♥️ Cristal


      • Peacefulwife
        January 23, 2016 at 3:26 pm #


        I can certainly understand a wife not being happy about her husband calling another woman “beautiful” like a nick name. I am glad your husband apologized for that.

        What I would really like to focus on is the things you are believing about yourself and where you are looking for security. If you have low self esteem and you are depending on your husband to be your security and to make you happy and to make you feel desirable, you are handing him the power that you are supposed to have over your own life. Does that make sense?

        Would you consider reading, Unhealthy Vs Healthy Relationships and also search my home page for “insecurity” and “security”, and let me know what God may be speaking to you?

        I want to see your soul and spirit healed in Christ. Then you will be able to approach your husband in a productive, healthy way and even have the ability deal with things if he messes up.

        But the key is to focus on you first and your beliefs and mindsets and your relationship with God. This is the way to become the woman God desires you to be and to find His narrow path that leads to life.


        • Cristal
          January 23, 2016 at 10:03 pm #

          Hi again, first of all thank you for responding so quickly! I wasn’t even sure I did it right, lol. Um, so yeah, I do not rely on his opinion of me. Yes, my self esteem is very low, it’s always been, as far back as I can remember, but I’ve been dealing with so much pain lately, well actually it’s been for the better part of most of our relationship, and now after a 3rd back surgery, I’m recovering. My weight is a huge problem, although I’m very excited to get back on track with healing and losing weight, getting healthy etc. as soon as it’s safe. The problem is him secretly calling another woman this, yes I know she’s his best friend but idk, it’s strange, I’ve never seen or hear him say that to her or anyone else for that matter, I wouldn’t say that to my best guy friend. I’m just trying to make myself move past it. But it’s like if he tries to get intimate, I need to pull away! I just feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it, n yup, here I go crying about it again. I feel so weak. I do have a hard time with reading but I’ll definitely try anything I cAn. He is not a Christian, not really sure about his believes, I know he is not an atheist…I’m not sure what I am either, I was brought up Christian n I believe in God and Jesus, and I pray daily with my boys. I spoke with my gramma about this too, she is a huge Christian, she says we should just pray for him. So that’s where I am, I guess I don’t need to be complimented from him, because even tho I’m not happy with the me I am now, this is temporary and I’m sure someone out there would think that I’m beautiful, I mean other men and women have told me this in the past, I just didn’t believe them., I just wish it was my husband, instead of seeing him say it to another if you know what I mean. Thanks again for your quick response and trying to help, but I think I prolly said something wrong for you to think I need him to say that to me. 😉


        • Mina
          January 24, 2016 at 7:39 am #

          @ Cristal. I definitely understand how you must be feeling. I have never heard my husband compliment any woman, but once I suspected infidelity I started to dig. I hacked his emails and discovered he was calling another woman “beautiful”among a lot of other things. I just remember feeling devastated.! I didn’t leave him until three years after this, I just couldn’t get over it. The affair had been going on for a year. But once I left him, he was on a mission to get me back. All of a sudden I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. The compliments from him were flowing now, however I it was too late for me to appriciate them. I really started investing into my appearance, and getting compliments from other men. This really boosted my self esteem. I was separated from my husband for a full year. He never gave up no matter how many times I asked for a divorce. I made him work very hard if we were going to try to make it work. We began dating again , and he would give me flowers, chocolates, and write me sweet little live stories. To make a long story short, I forgave my husband and my marriage is back on track. But it took me leaving him for him to appreciate and to respect me. I am not suggesting that you to do the same, but I would look more closely at that relationship that he has with his friend. There may be more to what he is leading you to believe.


          • Peacefulwife
            January 24, 2016 at 2:05 pm #


            SOOO heartbreaking! I’m terribly sorry that your husband went way beyond just calling another woman “beautiful.” There are certainly times when separation is necessary if a spouse is living in severe unrepentant sin.

            I’m so thankful that he did repent and that y’all are doing so much better! Sometimes when a spouse is involved in an affair, the offended spouse does need to leave out of self-respect and respect for the marriage covenant.

            I pray that God will bring the truth to light in Cristal’s situation and in each situation – so that we might be able to see if there are major problems. And that God might give each wife wisdom to respond to the challenges and issues that come up in a way that will honor Him, herself, her husband, and their marriage covenant.

            Thank you for sharing.:)


  5. Lori
    December 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

    I am so glad I read this today. It provided a much-needed attitude adjustment. Most of the time I am okay with the lack of verbal reinforcement bc I believe my girlfriends are better at that anyway but sometimes I feel sorry for myself and wonder if something important is missing. But most of the time i am so appreciative of his many fine qualities and that we have a peeaceful family life in general. My parents divorced and i will do anything to provide a happy healthy home for my kids.


    • peacefulwife
      December 13, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

      Thanks for the comment! It made my day.:) For me, adjusting my expectations, understanding of my husband’s motives and my own behavior made a HUGE impact in our marriage. Thanks to God!

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!


  6. Teresa
    December 29, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    I cant stand the fact my husband can tell strange women on facebook how beautiful they are but he cant say it to me. what should i do? plus there’s a lot more i can go on and on. Help please.


    • peacefulwife
      December 29, 2012 at 3:15 pm #


      That situation definitely feels unloving to a wife.😦 I am so sorry!!!

      I probably need a bit more detail to know exactly what your situation is. But my first recommendation would be to read two posts on the home page of my blog at the top. One is 101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband and the other is Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them.

      Your power as a wife is to focus on your relationship with God and your responsibilities in the marriage. When you focus on what your husband isn’t doing or “should be” doing – it leaves you stuck, powerless and a total victim.

      As you learn to become more and more the woman and wife that God desires you to be – you will have His peace, joy, fulfillment and purpose in your life no matter what your husband does. But, the amazing thing is that as you become more Christlike yourself – God often uses a wife to inspire her husband to become a better man, too.

      The ironic thing is – if you are respecting your husband and cooperating with his leadership to try to change him or make yourself feel more loved in the marriage, it won’t work. Your motives will have to be to please and honor God. But if you are willing to work on your end of things God’s way, it will be very interesting to see what He has in store!

      I am here if you want to talk more about your situation after you read those two posts. Let me know what is on your heart!

      Much love to you!


    • Jayce Zuniga
      February 11, 2013 at 2:48 am #

      I just went into a long post about this exact situation i am going through! I hope it gets better for you. My heart his breaking too, you are not alone


  7. Claudine
    January 29, 2013 at 5:40 am #

    What I’ve just read hear is the best advice ever. I just read tons of advices that basically tells a wife to make her husband realize that complimenting her is a NEED. A lot of what you said here is so helpful because it focuses on what I, as a wife, CAN DO to ovecome this situation. It made me see my husband in a different light and made me appreciate him more for who he is…a hard-working partner who knows how to take care of his family. AND your post made me realize that HE
    LOVES ME and shows it in more ways than one… knowing this makes my NEED TO BE COMPLIMENTED NOT NEEDED AT ALL!
    Thanks so much:)


    • peacefulwife
      January 29, 2013 at 7:08 am #

      You are so very welcome! This is what I WISH I had known many years ago. It is empowering to stop looking at what my husband “should” do and look at what I actually do control – my relationship with Christ, my sin, my obedience to God, taking care of my husband’s needs, being a servant. That is when God starts working miracles in ME first! It’s great to hear from you. May God richly bless your walk with Him and your marriage.


      • John
        February 4, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

        This post has been very helpful to me to try understand how women feel. It can be hard for me to put love into words… but I feel like I’ve gained some courage as I read some of these replies. Today I’ve walked up to my wife gave her a hug from behind put my head on her shoulder and kissed her cheek…….then I nibbled on her ears and told her I love you :ppp

        – just a 27 year old guy who has a hard time expressing his feelings


        • peacefulwife
          February 4, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

          Thank you so much for sharing! You put a smile on my face.:) I am SURE that your loving gesture made your wife feel VERY loved and cherished. What a wonderful thing to do for her. TONS of points for you!!!!!

          I’m VERY proud of you!


  8. Jayce Zuniga
    February 11, 2013 at 2:44 am #

    Hello. I just came across this as I was searching for a simple answer to my problem. My husband never has after 5 yrs of marriage, complimented me, or “praised” me in any way. Again, not fishing for those things… but it boggles my mind that he so freely gives those words away to OTHER WOMEN. Not just any women, that i know of, just ones that have come between our marriage several times. Or tried to at least. His so called best friend, he just recently said she was “GORGEOUS” on facebook when he thought i deactivated my facebook. She was the main one who i am having a hard time with. He knows i despise this woman. She used to try and get him to come over and spend the night even after we were married and pregnant. He supposedly quit talking to her as a friend yrs ago, but that’s not the case. She lives 8 hrs away, but it is still a huge problem for me. I gave him 2 of the greatest gifts as he tells me, and that’s our children. If thats how he felt, wouldn’t it be normal to tell me thankyou or say im doing a good job or the meal was good or i look pretty? Now if i ask him about his actions, it will get turned around on me for “spying on him” and he is a grown man and he wouldnt be with me if he didnt want to. I changed my life for him and now all i have his him and my children. Im lost as to what i need to do here. Im afraid i will be with one who loses everything if i even bring it up in a nice calm way (i am never one to start an argument or discussion with yelling and screaming)… im scared, confused, and lost. I have no one to talk about this with. I hope you read this!!


    • Jayce Zuniga
      February 11, 2013 at 3:11 am #

      Also-I am an excellent wife, i cook, clean, take care of 2 toddlers day in and day out, 2 150lb dogs, a house, all the bills, the yard work, i always lift my husband up, never go against his thoughts or opinions, trust that he knows whats best for the family (following the oilfield-moving10 times in 5yrs etc).. all he has to do is drive to work and come home to his meals served to him (literally i make his plates). And when i say he thought i deactivated my fb, i had it deactivated for a yr, and told him i was getting on yesterday for the first time and thats when i discovered all the women he added and the gorgeous and beautiful comments he’s left them (not the first time in our marriage its happened, except caught him texting before-now he has his phones protected by passwords and never leaves them out of his sight)…just wanted to say I’ve done everything a wife is supposed to do.


  9. GivingUpQuietly
    May 15, 2013 at 9:49 pm #

    I understand fully that men have a harder time saying the things we long to hear. But what just makes my head spin is that my husband was capable of being more affirming than most men until I found his lies and porn use two years ago & he refuses to live under any accountability now. At that point he began to treat me as if was the one who has treated him wrong. He gives his daughter mushy mushy poetic love letters but I get almost nothing. He published a love letter to his parents and gave his daughter special chocolates and a hand written love letter for Valentines Day. I got nothing. Not even a card. Same on my birthday and our first anniversary. I wasn’t even worth a dollar store card. He has said that i am the perfect wife but he sure doesnt treat me as such. He says I’ve given him more love and respect than his ex ever did and more than he ever dreamed. Yet he says he is giving me all he has to give. I just don’t buy it that he can remember to tell his daughter and mom that they are beautiful and perfect several times a day out of the blue but it never dawns on him or is not willing to give a wife that he has labeled as perfect any of the affirmation she needs. He was almost panicing the other night sayin he needed to buy his daughter flowers for her confirmation at church. I just gulped and went silent. So so so tired of his 10 year old daughter getting all the things a “perfect wife” deserves. I’m no longer saying anything about my hurt. My life is ruined. If I leave him I will be miserable, lonely, and heartbroken beyond what I can bear but if I stay I have to live with the abuse. He and his family insist that we live and communicate in a way that makes life peaceful for him. Which means he gets to act and do however he likes and I get to swallow it all and “get over it” quietly making sure I never rock the boat with my hurt. I beg God at least 4 nights out of 5 to take me home. So disappointed and tired. So tired of knowing if I leave he won’t care. He has said so. He’s happy for me to stay and happy for me to go. I’m no big deal.


    • peacefulwife
      May 15, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

      Giving up quietly,

      I am so glad to meet you!!!:)

      There is every reason for hope even in this painful and very difficult situation if you are willing to look to Christ!

      Is your husband a follower of Christ? Are you?

      Is your husband still using porn?

      What do you say or do to him when he is unloving to you?

      Let’s hash through this together and seek God together.

      You are an image bearer of God! That is the reason you have value and your life has purpose.

      God desires you to love Him with all your heart. Jesus is the only One who can satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts. If you are able to look to Him, trust Him, seek to know Him… He will never fail or disappoint you. He alone is worthy of all of your love, reverence, devotion and worship.

      Trying to find your happiness in marriage to a sinful man will inevitably lead to frustration and pain and disappointment.

      But if you turn from anything that offends our holy and loving God, turning to Christ to find abundant life in Him, you can find your strength, purpose, hope, faith, joy, wisdom, contentment and meaning in Him alone.

      Then He can empower you to breathe life into your marriage. He may do a miracle and draw your husband to Himself and change his heart. You can’t change your husband. But God can.

      He doesn’t guarantee you that He will change your husband to be what you want. But He does promise to change you if you come to Him! And in Him alone, there is real love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

      I can’t wait to see what God wants to do in your life!

      Much love to you!



      • GivingUpQuietly
        May 16, 2013 at 12:27 am #

        Yes we are both Christians. I appreciate your words of encouragement . I really do. But respectfully I must say I have heard it all before. I have been closer to God and understood Him more in the past two years than ever in my life. But no matter how close I am, I see no lasting improvement with my husband.

        He doesn’t believe that the Bible’s
        teaching about marriage applies to second marriages. So im automatically dead in the water there. We and his family all go to the same church but they and he have actually gossiped about me and made fun of me to my face for asking him to pray with me. When I try to tell him how good God is and how I know He will meet all our needs I get the same vile treatment.

        Yes I think he still looks at porn on his mobile device. He has locked it down and refuses to be accountable. But he was empowered by our pastor who literally told us that if he looked at it a little less this month than last month then I needed to praise him for it. He said I had to just blindly trust my husband, don’t ask him any questions that might upset him or look at the computer or mobile devices to check up on him. He said it was all on my shoulders to keep him happy and get over the fact that he looks at porn. He literally said all of that in counseling. So as you can imagine my husband ate that up. He now refuses to go to any other counselor and says he will divorce me before he will. I of course refuse to go back to the pastor. Additionally you can imagine how dreadful going to church is for me.

        Like I expressed before I also have to quietly watch and hear him give his daughter all the affirmation and gifts that he should give me. If I just try to explain to him how i feel he threatens to leave saying “I just am not going to be able to love you the way you want. I’m giving you all I have.” I mean really? Love letters and gifts to patents and child on Valentines Day but never anything for me on ANY special day? That’s all a man has?

        I read my bible and I pray constantly. It’s as if God is just not going to touch this. I will worship Him and be up for a few days then all the things that my husband and his family have done will well up inside me and I feel like I’m going to explode which turns into almost mourning. Ive been forced by my husband and his family to “get over it” and denied any outlet to express my hurt. i was given a blanket “sorry” that was supposed to make it all better and keep me from talking.

        i feel like if i say i love you and i shoot you in the leg, I’m not serious about forgiveness nor care how you are effected if I give you the ultimatum that I will still love you as long as you don’t limp, don’t bleed, and don’t cry or talk about it…ever. I mean if I love you I should seek not only forgiveness but restoration. I should take you to therapy, bring you a fruit basket, and stay with you until you are recovered. I feel like I’ve been shot and told that i can remain married as long as I don’t bleed, limp, cry, or talk. Period.

        My husband is the kind that puts words in my mouth and assumes what I am thinking, then that becomes reality to him and I am forced to live as if what he assumed was actually what I said or did. He tells his mother everything and calls me ugly names like the “b” word and even discusses our intimate time with her. Of course then gossip sets in and the whole family knows my business and some won’t even speak to me because he and his mom have never practiced “capturing their imaginations.”

        I truly love God and I am amazed at what Christ did for me knowing all the times I would hurt Him. But I’m just literally so tired. Every time I think I can’t get any lower or hurt any worse that’s exactly what happens. I would lots rather my husband hit me than hurt me the way he has. I have no one from church that I can lean on, I moved to his town so there are no friends, no parents, no siblings, and my children just left the nest. So I’m perfectly ok with going home. How bad I wish I could lean my head on Jesus’ chest physically and just rest.


        • peacefulwife
          May 16, 2013 at 8:12 am #

          Giving Up Quietly,

          My goodness. What a mess.😦 A big painful mess.

          I really hate the counseling your husband received from the pastor.😦 Pornography IS SIN. Since you have followed Matthew 18 about confronting your brother when he sinned against you and you took it to the pastor and your husband is still unrepentant – I believe that you must assume that he is not actually a believer in Christ at this point. Only God knows his heart – but it appears that he is living in severe rebellion against God.

          However – you are still accountable to God for your obedience to Him and to not hold on to unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, etc… because those things will grieve God’s Spirit and then you won’t have access to His power in your life. And you can do NOTHING apart from Christ.

          What I would love to see happen is this –

          I’d love for you to release your husband from all expectations.
          I’d love to see you really hash through every hurt and wound you have received and write them all down and ask God to empower you to forgive him and let go of the anger and bitterness. Jesus says that if we don’t forgive men when they sin against us, God will not forgive us. I held on to grudges against my husband and others for YEARS at times – and God stayed far away. I didn’t see answers to my prayers. I personally had a MOUNTAIN of pride, self-righteousness, disrespect, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment and idolatry of myself and having control as well as idolatry of my husband. I don’t know what sins might be in your heart – but this would be a fantastic time to allow God to just sweep through the darkest, most painful corners of your heart and allow Him to remove anything that offends His holiness.

          I do want to see you draw near to God and be as close to Him, abiding in Him and full of His Spirit – but NOT in order to change your husband. Being close to God and surrendering everything in your life to Him, worshipping Him, adoring Him, loving Him with all your heart, mind, soul and strength isn’t about your husband whatsoever. It is about having GOD. Jesus is your reward and your prize. He alone can satisfy. He is so very worthy of everything you have to offer and give.

          Then we can trust and pray for Him to work in your husband. God can change and heal him. But we can trust God to work in His time and His power for His greatest glory. Your husband may never change. God can still use him and this trial to refine your faith and make you more mature and more and more like Christ. He will still reward you for your obedience to His Word and His commands to you as a wife when you live a Spirit-filled life and respond in the power of God instead of in the sinful nature.

          If your husband is that far from God – I Peter 3:1-6 is your assignment from God – until… Until God changes your husband or until you die. Your husband can’t hear words about God or spiritual things or prayer or church from you right now. He appears to be spiritually dead. But what can get through to him – is if you begin to find ANYTHING good in him the genuinely admire and praise. What he CAN hear is when you stop all the negativity (if there has been any), the criticisms, the lectures, the nagging, preaching, etc.

          My husband told me that when I stopped the negative comments – it was like static was removed from the speaker that had God’s quiet voice. And then when I began to focus on the good things I did see in him, and praise and admire the strengths he had – he said it was like an amplifier was added to God’s voice.

          You are not guaranteed your husband will change. But his changing cannot be the goal here.

          The goal is to exalt Christ, to know Him more and more, to obey and honor Him, to be full of His power and to accomplish His work in your family and in the world as you shine brightly for Him.

          I pray that God does open your husband’s spiritual eyes. You cannot open them for him. He cannot open them himself. Only God can convict him and show him the depths of his sin.

          But while you are waiting – ask God to show you any sin in your own heart – so that you can be free from the sin that is entangling you and free to serve, love and honor Christ with all that you are.

          If Christ is LORD – you can find contentment in Him alone – no matter what your husband does or does not do. There may be times that hurt – but when Jesus IS your LIFE – you don’t have to be afraid or live in despair, because you have HIM. As long as you have HIM – you have EVERYTHING!

          I had a similar road to travel with my husband. God did change him eventually – very slowly over time.

          But i had to stop looking to my husband to make me feel loved and to make me happy or content – and only look to Jesus. I had to tear out all of my idols – things I tried to find fulfillment in other than God. Then – the results were up to God – not me. But I could rest in His peace and love and sovereignty – knowing that even if my husband never changed – I could trust that God would use all of these things ultimately for my good to make me more like JEsus and for His glory.

          I pray that you might be able to allow Jesus to lift up your chin to see His eyes blazing with love for you in the midst of this fiery trial. I pray that you will find all of your being loved and accepted, having worth and value, being adored and cherished, being cared for and protected, all of your identity and purpose in Jesus alone.

          Even now – when I find myself disappointed in my husband, feeling alone – it is a red flag to me not to put my husband above Christ in my heart. but to be sure that I am finding everything in Jesus. Then I can be at peace and content in Him – even in the storms, uncertainty and painful times.

          My deepest prayer is for you to have oneness with Christ. I know that is the only place where you can find healing, true hope, power, love, peace, wisdom, vision and purpose for your life.

          I can’t wait to see what God has in store for your relationship with Him! He may not change your husband. That has to be ok. But He will definitely change YOU when you seek Him with all that you are. That is the only thing you are accountable for. I pray that God will empower you to greatly bless your husband and family and to influence them with the power of God for His glory alone.

          Much love to you!!!! I’m here any time you want to talk.


        • Martha A
          May 16, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

          Giving Up Quietly,
          There’s nothing in the marriage vows that says you need to put up with cruel and thoughtless behaviour from your husband and his family. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration, like anyone else. Your husband sounds like he is suffering from psychological problems. It may be hard to believe, but his spirit is suffering worse than yours is, because deep down his conscience knows that he is treating you wrongly. Perhaps when he was a child, his parents treated him badly, or each other, or one of his siblings; and his hidden anger over this is playing itself out in his behaviour towards you. Whatever the cause, there surely is one, and it has nothing to do with you. You will not help your husband by letting him treat you badly; and you will allow yourself to be damaged too. Remember that inside each of us there is a divine spirit that we need to protect and respect. If your husband were treating Jesus the way he treats you, wouldn’t you want to protect Him? Then you must protect yourself too, because you are a part of Him. There is a useful concept in Al-Anon called “detachment with love”. It means that you keep the focus on yourself. Accept that your husband behaves inappropriately, and try to stop thinking about it. Instead, focus on things you do enjoy; gradually build up your own confidence; develop objectivity and compassion towards others who are harming you (they are suffering worse than you); and learn to set reasonable boundaries to protect your serenity – e.g. calmly leave the room if your husband or his family are speaking disrespectfully towards you; find outside activities to take you away from the negative atmosphere; sleep in a separate bed if your husband treats you badly. Be sure not to endanger yourself with these quiet declarations of independence, of course. If your husband becomes threatening, you need to find a safe place away from danger. But if your husband sees you quietly resisting his abuse and developing your own inner strength and independence, he may slowly come to his senses. Good luck. Keep posting if you like. I recommend the Al-Anon literature, even if your husband isn’t an alcoholic. It was and still is very helpful for me.


        • peacefulwife
          May 16, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

          It is also ok to say, “Please don’t talk to me/about me like that.” “That hurts me.”

          I am praying for you and your husband today. It is very strange that your husband is able to convince himself that God’s Word doesn’t apply to second marriages. How I pray for a godly friend or mentor who can pray with you and strengthen and encourage you.

          Obviously – the wounds are deep here. I pray that God might heal you and your husband and open his eyes so that he might repent.

          But I pray that even if he doesn’t – that God will heal your heart.

          I wish I could hug your neck!!!!!!

          Praying for great encouragement, hope and healing for your soul!


    • January
      December 12, 2015 at 7:21 pm #

      I know this was written a while ago, but I just had to comment on this, I can’t stand that you feel the way you do in your marriage, or how your husband can not care if you stay or leave, how can a man not care? I can’t see how life could feel any worse than it does right now, feeling so unwanted.. I hope that you have found happiness. Happiness is our own job, we need to find happiness for ourselves. We can’t count on anyone in this world, and our “true” love will come when we least expect it. Good for the women who can gather up the courage to change their situations where they are not happy. We only have a short time on this earth to feel as much love as we can, we all need to stop wasting our love on undeserving men.:/. Happiness to all!!!!!❤


  10. peacefulwife
    May 16, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

    Those of you who are deeply hurting – check out this sermon by David Platt on Singleness. It is amazingly encouraging. I believe you will be blessed, even in your hurting marriage.


  11. Tina
    December 4, 2013 at 7:43 am #

    My husband is the same type of man. He has never complimented me and we have been married for 10 years. Not even on our wedding day did I get a compliment so I do not expect any from him because it’s not his personality. What he does do, is he tells me he loves me at least 3 times a day, calls me at works or sends me emails to say “i love you”, so this makes up for his lack of compliments so I at least knows that he cares. Not every man will be comfortable doing this, and I knew this prior to marrying him so I had an option of either dealing with it, or not dealing with it.


    • peacefulwife
      December 4, 2013 at 7:46 am #


      Thanks for sharing! My husband doesn’t compliment a lot either, but he also doesn’t criticize much. I have noticed that men who do compliment a lot also tend to criticize more freely. It’s wonderful to be able to appreciate the ways our husbands do show their love.:)


      • Grace
        August 2, 2015 at 10:07 pm #

        That’s funny because my husband was extremely critical for the first five years of marriage while never giving compliments. He has since stopped the criticism, though still rarely complimenting. he did give compliments before marriage though.


        • Peacefulwife
          August 3, 2015 at 8:05 am #


          Hmmm… that is interesting. What was his parents’ marriage like?

          How are things going in general in the marriage now?

          I wonder what thoughts you might have as you read this post?

          Much love to you!


  12. Karla
    January 25, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

    I honestly feel that the reply on this does a great job of blaming this woman for her husband not complementing her. My husband does not complement me either, and I have come to the conclusion that something is wrong! If he never opens up to me, it will never be fixed, but something IS wrong and God never intended for us to be in relationships that do not feed us. In a situation like this the couple needs to come together to figure out a solution and why he does not feel good enough about himself to want you to feel good about yourself too. It is the same thing wrong that drives wives to stop wanting to have sex with their husbands because they no longer find themselves attractive. Good luck to everyone who deals with these problems and may you seek God’s guidance in a solution that brings your marriage to a place of healing, and I pray for the healing of those who have to realize that this is happening because the marriage never should have been.


    • peacefulwife
      January 25, 2014 at 2:20 pm #

      Thanks for your comment!

      I don’t talk about what husbands should do on my blog since I only write about things wives can control. I wish every husband complimented his wife sincerely and often. That would be fantastic!

      My hope is to point women to finding contentment in Christ no matter what their husbands do, to understand how very differently men think from women and to understand how best to communicate our needs in ways our husbands can hear.

      Much love,


  13. MHMC
    February 21, 2014 at 1:52 am #

    My husband often ignore me and the children. I’ve gone years telling myself that he worked hard for the family, did the outside chores, did things for my mom, and that’s what made him good. But the truth is, he is not loving to me or my children. He can be, and he has been, but it is not his normal behavior. He is not engaged. He is becoming more and more irritable, he is starting to live separately, and seems to be more of a roommate. I do not get compliments from him. He writes me cards for Birthdays, anniversaries, etc, and writes all these nice things about me- but the rest of the year there is no action to show that those words are true. He has called me beautiful twice this year (after I prompted him) and that was the first time in our 13 year marriage I heard him say it. He does not volunteer to touch me. His kisses are short and lack any kind of passion.

    The advice I’m getting from Christian friends and family counselors is that I need to leave. I don’t want to- but his behavior toward our teenage daughter has been taunting and bullying. She is emotionally stressed, has been diagnosed with depression, and is in counseling because we found out she’s been cutting. She feels like she’s being bullied at home. I want to protect my daughter- I LOVE HER! My husband won’t go to counseling, and doesn’t see a problem. I’m afraid- I’m stressed out- I’m worried for my daughter. I don’t want to leave- but his actions at this point tell me he’s not interested in being a “loving husband and father”. He says he’s a Christian, but that’s not what he acts like. I’m very confused.


  14. Well...
    March 4, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

    I know this is an old post, but can I give a normal modern woman’s perspective here? I’m 23, straight and married, for reference.

    Your husband does not, I repeat NOT owe you compliments just because he’s your husband. He really, really doesn’t. It just isn’t his job. That’s not what husbands are for, in any way, shape or form.

    If you need compliments so badly, I honestly (and I do mean this sympathetically, not offensively) think you need to look into getting mental help. You are obviously suffering low self esteem which MANY women do, and a professional will be able to help you. It’s perfectly normal, but why suffer with it your whole life?

    I get the impression you’re from the US, but here in the UK we recently had a ‘time to talk’ campaign that was aired on TV, radio and the internet, encouraging people to end the stigma around mental health issues and feel free to talk about them. So there is NO SHAME in admitting you have a problem, I can’t stress that enough.

    Think about it – when something is wrong with your body, you go to a doctor, so why should it be so difficult to get the help you need for your ‘head’? Just do it.:)

    Good luck, I know it’s tough, but you’ll get there and I’m sure your relationship with your husband will improve!


    • peacefulwife
      March 5, 2014 at 7:50 am #


      If a woman believes compliments are THAT important – yes, it can signal a problem – I believe a spiritual one. It is possible to make “getting compliments from our husbands” or “feeling loved” into “idols” we put above Christ in our hearts. If we expect our husbands to meet the deepest needs of our souls that only God can actually meet – we will be forever dissatisfied, discontent, insatiable, anxious and depressed.

      We are accountable for our own contentment in life – and real contentment is found in Christ alone. When we take responsibility for ourselves and find our identity, hope, joy, peace, strength, power, love, acceptance, purpose, etc… in Jesus – then we have the power to bless our husbands and to be full of good things no matter what our husbands do or do not do.

      Thanks for the comment!


  15. Reesa Carr
    August 27, 2014 at 11:10 pm #

    My husband never tells me that I am beautiful but he tells other woman they are like family members. He has said I look good or fine but never pretty our beautiful. I rarely ever get a compliment from him. I don’t fish for one because he doesn’t he would compliment someone else before he would me. But he is a gentleman open doors etc just hardly no compliment and No you are beautiful or that I look beautiful.:)


    • peacefulwife
      August 28, 2014 at 7:57 am #


      I am so sorry that you are feeling sad about your husband not complimenting you. Although, he does say you look good and that you look fine? Those sound like compliments to me!

      How do you respond when you feel like he should give you more compliments?

      How is the rest of the marriage going?

      Much love to you!


      • Reesa Carr
        August 28, 2014 at 9:50 pm #

        Hi peaceful wife I never meant to make it seem like iam sad I not sad at all I am happy person I have found a way to connect with God and I try to do his will and not mines I have own up to my faults and have made apologies and I have forgiven those who hurt me. Now all I do is continue to work on having a relationship with God he is the one who have allowed me to love myself more and that’s why I am a happy person I do what makes me happy my hubby just makes me happier but he is not the reason that I am happy. Our relationship is great we have not had a argument in four years and although we still don’t agree on some things we respect each others decision and opinions. He doesn’t call me beautiful or say iam beautiful. He told me once that he fell in love with my heart and that’s why he loves me. He called me fine one time and I said Iam beautiful he said these are my eyes that I am looking through I said ok well thank you baby. I don’t think he thinks I am beautiful because he never calls me that but to me I am beautiful inside and out! but l posted to let the others know they are not alone.. Yes it hurt my feelings when he said what he said but I dont let him define who I am! He probably will never tell me when have been together for 8years now.


        • Peacefulwife
          August 28, 2014 at 9:56 pm #


          Thanks so much for sharing and for clarifying! I am very glad you found your contentment and joy and peace in God.:)

          It sounds like your man loves you a lot. May God richly bless your marriage!


          • Reesa Carr
            August 28, 2014 at 10:02 pm #

            Thank you very much, I continue to work on myself and God is first in my life and in our relationship. God bless you and Thank you very much!


      • Reesa Carr
        August 28, 2014 at 10:01 pm #

        I don’t respond when I use to feel like I think he should give me a compliment we had a discussion about that and he said giving out compliments and is a sign of low self esteem and you need to boost your egos. So I left it alone but in the beginning of our relationship he said he would work on it then he changed to saying that lol.. ANy way I was brought up receiving compliments and giving. I give him compliments because when he looks handsome I tell him and he said thank you I do not look for him to compliment me back plus he be on his way to work and I still look like I just got out of bed lol or going to work out. But it doesn’t matter when I get dressed up and or when we get dressed to go out he never gives me a compliment anyways. So sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it don’t. I don’t want to give him any more compliments but then that would be changing whom I am and am not willing to do that. Because my insides says a lot about who I am and what kind of person that I am. I give people compliments when I see it… not to receive anything in return!


  16. Ree
    November 3, 2014 at 12:07 am #

    My husband used to compliment me and was attracted to me. Slowly that began to fade into constant criticism, brow beating, and verbal abuse on top of ZERO compliments. Not even nice words, no kindness at all. I am a sahm of four children (one from his previous marriage). I homeschool my children (which he does not approve, that’s another story) I do my best to keep the house tidy, but he wants it perfect. It is NEVER good enough. I make myself look nice everyday (for him, AND for myself) But not one single compliment. Three months ago I caught him in a sexting affair with one of his female co-workers and he had NO problem giving her compliments. If I hadn’t caught him they would have taken it farther. They still work together every day and supposedly it’s over. I am so busy with the house and children I don’t think I should have to keep tabs on my husband too. So my self esteem went even further in the ditch after that. I am now even more desperate for his attention and love, now that I see he can give it freely to anyone he pleases. I pray to God every day for strength, I throw my hands in the air and pray for God to heal the pain. I am in such deep pain I just want to run away with my children and not look back.


    • Ree
      November 3, 2014 at 12:17 am #

      I forgot to add, we rarely have sex. Like about three times a YEAR avg. If we do, I am practically begging for it. It’s belittling. He refuses to see a marriage counselor too. I pour my heart out to him and he will completely ignore me. I have actually had conversation with a pot of chili because it listened better than he does. I am so severely depressed but I’m scared a Dr will just want to throw pills down my throat and the underlying issues will still remain. Not sure what posting this is going to do, but I am on the verge of a breakdown (I know, the chili thing probably already qualifies me)


      • Ree
        November 3, 2014 at 12:58 am #

        My husband says he is not Christian like I am and does not want a relationship with God. I pray for him and I pray for us. Also, he likes to drink ( I do not drink at all) and I sometimes do not trust his Judgement as far as taking the role of leader as a husband should because I never can tell when he’s intoxicated. Half the time he is passed out or passing out during the middle of the day. This is all bad and I just don’t know what to do. Sorry so many posts. I am just such a nervous wreck.


        • Peacefulwife
          November 3, 2014 at 7:13 am #


          Goodness! My precious sister!!! I am so very sorry for the pain you are experiencing.😦 If you are dealing with alcoholism and your husband is sexting someone else – these are pretty significant issues. Do you have a trusted pastor or godly wife mentor you could talk to?

          I don’t advise women submitting to a man who is drunk. I would strongly suggest you contact Al-Anon and/or The Salvation Army. They have counselors who can help you walk through this.

          Praying for wisdom and healing for you and for salvation for your husband!


  17. Sherea
    December 8, 2014 at 9:22 pm #

    It does hurt to feel that my husband doesn’t think I’m beautiful. My husband has suggested that I get braces (I have a gap between my teeth) and often says he doesn’t like my hair, no matter how many times I change it. Everyone else tells me I’m beautiful (from the time I was a little girl) almost everyone I meet tells me that I’m beautiful, they like my smile and my hair. Yet, all I want is for my husband to like it too. I don’t understand why he doesn’t. He’s had multiple affairs, I’ve tried to turn his affections toward me (subtly, by remaining submissive, never depriving him of intimacy, even if I know he’s having an affair). I’ve been praying and asking God what He’d have me to do. I believe the answer is to remain faithful and submissive. Am I hearing God? I don’t know what else to do.


    • Peacefulwife
      December 9, 2014 at 7:44 am #


      My precious girl!

      I am very concerned for you! Your husband has had multiple affairs, and you continue to have intimacy with him, even when he is living in adultery?

      Yes, God commands us to respect our husbands IN THE LORD. But He does not command us to submit to sin or to condone sin or to respect sin. Part of respect is that we respect God, His Word, and ourselves. I don’t see any benefit to having sex with your husband when he is having an affair. There are times for limits when someone is living in unrepentant sin. That is NOT ok.

      Is he still having an affair?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Do you have a godly wife mentor?

      You can honor and respect your husband and marriage no matter what your husband does -but there are times when separation is necessary until he is willing to repent and rebuild trust. And, if he chooses to be involved in adultery, he is breaking your marriage covenant. He is not acting as your husband at that point. Please read Spiritual Authority at the top of my home page and read the bottom part about if a husband is involved in adultery.

      Much love to you!

      Much love to you!


  18. Phillip
    February 17, 2015 at 7:11 am #

    [The man]
    My fiancé and I have been engaged for nearly 2 years now, and this is a topic we (mostly she) argue about the most. I would say I’m nearly exactly like the husband described in this email; very quiet and introverted. I would like to think I show my love for her in many ways, but all I hear from her is that she doesn’t feel loved because she doesn’t hear it. She doesn’t believe that I find her attractive because I don’t say it. When she pleads for compliments it only makes it harder to do so, and anything I say seems insincere. Her response is then “you only compliment me when I beg for it.”

    I’ve been trying to work on this ‘problem’ and it is good to know man in this situation. The issue that I struggle with is that I HATE that it feels like she needs to hear it. I try to show love in other areas and it just feels like she is saying ‘none of that matters if I don’t hear it,’ and to be honest, it makes me not want to compliment her when she brings this issue up.

    The other issue is that she is very verbal about her love, but her actions don’t always follow suit. I have brought up that we have a similar issue with each other and that we don’t recieve affection in the same way, but she is very steadfast in that I am the one with the problem.

    I hope that what you have written here can start a good conversation for us. Thanks for writing!


    • Peacefulwife
      February 17, 2015 at 2:15 pm #

      This is frustrating for the man and the woman! And it is a pretty common difficulty, actually. I hope this post does help produce a healing conversation. Y’all may want to check out Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only and Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Men Only to help you both better understand each other. Neither of you are “wrong” – you are just different. That is actually a good thing. And both of you can learn to stretch to learn to understand the other better and to meet the other’s needs without being demanding and both can learn to appreciate the way that the other does show love.
      :) Thanks for the comment!


  19. Anne
    May 28, 2015 at 8:56 am #

    Thank you for this great post. In combination with Ryans comments. And your reply to GivingUpQuietly. Just reading this article on a quiet afternoon has changed my way of thinking and of looking at my relationship.

    I lately kept being stuck in my mind with the thought that my husband doesn’t give me compliments anymore about my strengths or my looks. I started doubting in my head whether he just became lazy with expressing (because he did it a lot in the beginning) or that he maybe really doesn’t feel a little fire inside him anymore when he sees me. For me even dressing up nicely in the 30 min before he got home would not have any successful result.

    I started this week with telling him this in the-dramatic-woman-with-tears style and I feel really bad about this now.

    He does so so much for me. He kisses me overtime he sees me. He makes tea or coffee for me. He waves at me when he drives off. He wants to cuddle up on the sofa. He needs to hold me at night. We have great intimacy. He asks me always how my day was. He touches me when he walks passed me. He comes and give me a hug while I cook. Anyway…haha…this article gave me a more realistic view.

    I think he is now struggling in his head a bit with my complaints and maybe he will try and use more words. But I won’t bring it up anymore. I am going to focus now on giving him a big smile, or telling him I feel loved, overtime I see he is telling me this in man-language:)

    Thank you for giving me perspective!



    • Peacefulwife
      May 28, 2015 at 1:30 pm #


      Your comment made me smile.:) I understand your longing for your husband’s compliments. We women LOVE words like that! But I also see SO MUCH in what your husband is doing that screams his love for you. I’m glad you are abel to see that, too. I am sure you realize that the vast majority of women would give almost anything to have a man who treated them the way your husband treats you.

      Your plan sounds beautiful and edifying. I hope you’ll let me know how things go!

      Much love to you, my dear sister!


      • Annie
        June 3, 2015 at 7:40 am #

        My husband is also same as others have mentioned abt theirs…..he never complimented me verbally….though physically we enjoy our sexual life…but he never kisses me off the bed…….problm with me is tht no matter how much he wud have to show me tht he loves me, I always feel I dnt deserve him….as I am a girl with a poor physical posture due to Scoliosis…My spine has a major curve….it has caused my back to be bent at one side…I have a huge hump at right side ….He is a tall handsome man and I am a 4 feet 7 inches short stature girl……though my face is normal…..How am I gonna make myself accept tht I am being Loved…..everyday tht passes i have ths fear growing in my head tht my husband find me no more attractive…..


  20. Nicole
    September 15, 2015 at 1:14 am #

    I do agree with what was written in your blog above. My issue is that my fiance is a bodybuilder and has a lot of male and female fitness people on social media. He will like their pictures. I do feel insecure when he does this with females. He will even say she is stunning or wow she has really nice quads etc. The reason I have an issue with this is because he doesn’t compliment me but will say something nice about another woman who he doesn’t even know in front of me. I would never say ooh that guy is really nice looking he has really big biceps etc.


    • Peacefulwife
      September 15, 2015 at 10:15 am #


      If you are interested in talking about things a bit, I would be glad to hash through this issue with you.:)

      Did he used to give you a lot of compliments?

      Is any of this new behavior on his part?

      How is the rest of the relationship going in general?

      What do you do when you feel insecure?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      I have some things I would be glad to share with you about some of these issues, if that sounds helpful.
      Much love to you!


  21. Ben
    September 20, 2015 at 8:14 pm #

    What if it’s the wife that never gives the compliments? I tell my wife how proud she makes me, how beautiful and sexy she is and get nothing in return. It definitely gets me down and has made me pretty unsecure at times. We have talked about how this makes me feel on numerous occasions and nothing changes.


    • Peacefulwife
      September 21, 2015 at 10:09 pm #


      I can understand the pain of not having verbal affirmation. That is hard! What is your wife’s general personality? How did her parents talk to her and to each other? How is her walk with Christ going?

      How is your walk with Christ going, my brother?

      I would be glad to talk with you about what is going on and seek to point you to the hope that is so abundantly available in Jesus.:)


      • Ben
        September 22, 2015 at 5:00 am #

        We are both Christians but rarely attend church. Her parents are still together and seem to have a good relationship.

        My walk with Christ can be strong at times and then I will really struggle with my faith. I pray a lot but have a hard time putting my faith into action because I get so down at times.

        I’ve been plagued by trust issues and believe I have some ocd problems. Mainly run away/obsessive thoughts. I really feel my trust issues come from the lack communication on her part. I know I should not depend on her for my security. It’s just hard for me to remember that she does love me when her actions or lack thereof speak.otherwise at times.

        Why is it so hard to respond to a compliment or just give words of encouragement? At what point do i/we seek counseling?


  22. Elissa
    September 21, 2015 at 6:02 am #

    Im having the same issue and the he would tell me he loves me after he touched me sexually ….. we are both christian and he is not shy at all hes very out there and friendly with everyone even if he does say otherwise …. Idk what ima do yeah he Loves me but idk if hes in love with me i have had body insecurity issues all my life and having to ask if i look nice and him saying you look good without even looking at me makes me feel horrible im only 20 and this hurts really bad.


  23. Eddie Stahlnecker
    October 5, 2015 at 11:11 am #

    This is spot on. My wife tends to always be wanting cohersed compliments which makes me want to not pay compliments at all. In my opinion compliments are a lot like a paycheck, they have to be earned. If you hear a lot of complaining or negativity from your spouse, or she always goes out of her way to prove you wrong in most situations, that doesn’t exactly make us husbands want to be complimentary. If you aren’t getting the compliments from your husband that you want, stop and analyze why he might not be giving them to you.


    • Peacefulwife
      October 5, 2015 at 9:29 pm #


      Sometimes being positive and giving genuine compliments can be contagious.:) Almost no one is motivated by someone else being negative and complaining.

      Thank you so much for sharing!


  24. Johnjohn
    November 7, 2015 at 11:17 pm #

    Husband has to learn to be selfless so he can show true love to his wife hope this help.


  25. Grace
    November 26, 2015 at 6:48 pm #

    Thanks this helps but it stills hurts. The wife who said her husband NEVER say she is beautiful really spoke my words. Yes all of it! I have been in the situation but your reply really help. It is about time I accept that and carry myself with confidence knowing that I am beautiful though he NEVER compliments me.


    • Peacefulwife
      November 28, 2015 at 3:17 pm #


      We wives often love our husbands’ compliments. But we can absolutely be confident in ourselves and know that we have beauty in Christ even if our husbands don’t mention it. My husband very rarely gives compliments. Maybe 1-2 per year. I used to get upset about that. But now I also realize that he doesn’t give me a lot of criticism – and I appreciate that. I also understand his personality better and realize that I can allow him to be himself and be content with who he is and be content in who I am in Christ. I don’t have to allow my husband’s words or lack of words to determine my joy, my security, my purpose, my identity, or my sense of confidence in myself.

      What are some of the things he DOES do for you to bless you?

      Much love to you!


  26. January Rademacher
    December 12, 2015 at 6:55 pm #

    I feel the need to comment on this post, from a NONchristian standpoint. First off, saying that “demanding or requesting compliments from your husband is wrong”, is just silly to me. Not every marriage is born from religious boundaries, like mine. We are just an average couple that has been married for 15 years, married at 20, and 24. In my case, my husband has never, not one single time complimented me, not on my looks, or housework, or ANY job well done, but he has never complimented our children for a job well done either.

    In fact, the ONLY thing that he cares about in this world “that he will show anyway” is his love of sports. He will proudly, with such passion discribe his love of sports to even complete strangers, and will never mention his wife or children at all. This man is closed off, selfish, emotionally dead, and just flat out narcissistic. So if there is any woman out there that wants to hear my advice on the subject, I would say to leave his a**! Don’t be thankful because he isn’t controlling or Full of criticisms. He is not a good person, or husband is he refuses to step out of his comfort zone to please his wife.

    That’s exactly what I have planned, if he doesn’t feel that following my simple request to meet me in the middle, then he isn’t worth anymore of my time. I have been a d*** good wife! Faithful, honest, loving, understanding, and countless other things that I never should have given when he gives so little. So in this day and age, putting up with your husbands bs, is an easy fix. Just leave, be happy and find the man that will compliment you, be there for you, and be everything that you have wanted in a man. It’s time we stop making excuses for these losers, and start thinking higher of ourselves as women, we should be ruling this world by now, but because women still believe they should be submissive in their marriage because the bible tells them to, we can never grow. We need to grow together as woman.. Lets getter done!❤


    • Peacefulwife
      December 13, 2015 at 2:36 pm #


      Thanks for your comment!:) It’s great to meet you.

      It’s not that desiring compliments is wrong. What this post is about is that there are some very ineffective, even destructive ways, to try to get compliments that actually are self-sabotaging.

      If you are interested – I’d be glad to share some insights with you that may change the way you view your husband and may help to heal your marriage.

      All people are to submit to Christ as Lord – not just women. The greatest treasure in this universe is Jesus. He is the source of all peace, joy, purpose, fulfillment, and spiritual life. Apart from Him, we can’t have these things – because they are only found in Him.

      Women (and men) who are fully yielded to Christ have access to all that belongs to Jesus, answers to prayers, miracles, and the power of the sovereign God of the universe. This is not about women not having power – it is about our losing our power to destroy our husbands and marriages (our sinful power) and about us gaining the power of God to bring healing and blessing to our own lives, our marriages, and our husbands.

      With much love,


  27. Star
    January 16, 2016 at 8:11 pm #

    My husband likes me but never ever said anything like he loves me. He looks at other women any where on the way in the office on tv he will talk about them openly how beautiful they are without realizing I won’t be happy to hear it. Even invites his office young girls on our first anniversary , even every weekend and spended evening with the dinner together . I never wanted to say I don’t like it. Because I never wanted to have love by force, if he can’t feel my feelings. Why should I ask .. I felt bad . I wanted to spend time with him to make him understand more but no he never talked to me or came closer .
    He says he is very social and knows all kinds of people in life .It does not mean I mistrust him.but How can I trust someone who buys condoms on his vacations when he is away. Even though I know he has not done any thing wrong in that trip.
    I am 200%sure that he appreciates and like other women and unmarried young girls.
    I have done enough research on him .
    I just want him to accept his mistake and not to do that again to me . I want to spend my life with him as I love him .

    We are together for 16 years. Now I feel sick and can’t tolerate any more I have put the courage to say few things but he says why should I call men at my house. Strange


    • Peacefulwife
      January 16, 2016 at 9:39 pm #


      It is wonderful to meet you!:)
      But, I think I might be confused. I hope that I am misunderstanding what is happening here.

      Your husband brought young women who were coworkers to your first anniversary and every time you have dinner together with your husband and every weekend? These women stay with you both overnight or they are just there for dinner? You have never gone by yourself to dinner with your husband since you got married?

      You never said that this was a problem and expected him just to know automatically and to change?

      He buys condoms when he is away from you but you know he has not had sex with other women?

      What were things like before you got married?

      Why did you get married to this man?

      Did you have any counseling before marriage or after marriage?

      Has he ever admitted that he has done something wrong and apologized?

      You do not believe that he has ever had an affair?

      What does he mean, “why should I call men at my house?”

      Much love to you! I am trying to understand correctly.:)


  28. Lea
    March 21, 2016 at 1:15 am #

    What if your husband doesn’t compliments you but you have read love letters from him to another woman where he compliments her? Even if you thought you both dealt with the issues of his previous emotional affair, how do you get over the knowledge that your husband can give compliments but chooses not to give them freely to you, his wife? Am I just supposed to get over it and say to myself too bad you stuck with him… Or that I can’t fully experience all of the joys of marriage because my husband isn’t good at telling me what he likes about my hair, the way I dress or anything else for that matter. We both did the 5 languages of love during therapy and I worked really hard to come up with questions to ask about his day and other things going on in his life because spending time with him and talking to him was one of HIS love languages. Shouldn’t he then work just as hard to verbally and physically fulfill my needs because that is one of my love languages? I get that men don’t normally talk about this stuff out loud to their wives but shouldnt someone be telling them if they would start doing it regularly (even if they need to put it on a calendar as a reminder) that it would become a habit? I am not sure we are married in heaven so I darn well want to get my joys and blessing of being a wife in while I can.


    • Peacefulwife
      March 21, 2016 at 8:03 am #


      Yikes, that sounds very painful! When was the previous emotional affair?

      You know, I spent the first 14.5 years of our marriage focused on what “Greg should do” and all the ways he wasn’t meeting my needs to my satisfaction. I can tell you that – for me, at least – this didn’t go anywhere productive. What really began to bring healing to our marriage was when God opened my eyes to the things He wanted me to change and I began to focus on those things – the things over which I actually have control.

      A problem I have seen often with couples who read The Five Love Languages (which is a wonderful book) is that we tend to want to focus on our own love language and what we want our spouse to do. That can get us into a mess.

      We can certainly ask for the things we would like respectfully – but then we can also respond graciously without sin (in the power of GOd’s Spirit) if our husbands fail us – which they will, at times. But I have found that the place to find peace, sanity, godly power, and healing is when I focus on allowing God to radically change me to be more like Christ and when I totally yield to Christ as LORD of everything in my life and when I seek to bless my husband.

      Sometimes there are reasons why our husbands are not meeting our needs. In my case, my husband felt so wounded and disrespected by me, he didn’t feel safe with me and completely shut down to try to protect himself from my words and my attitude. Other times, husbands may have a mental health issue, may be extremely stressed at work, or may be dealing with their own sin issues or addictions. If they don’t have Christ filling them to overflowing, they may not have much to give to anyone else. There are a lot of reasons why a husband may not be meeting his wife’s needs or desires.

      What I have discovered, and seen in the conversations I have had with thousands and thousands of women here from around the world, is that a wife trying to be her husband’s conscience or Holy Spirit doesn’t work. When we try to make our husbands do what we want, we repel them. But when we focus on becoming the women God calls us to be and we focus on walking in obedience to God’s Word for ourselves and we focus on meeting our husband’s needs, God often does mighty things.

      If you would like to see where I was emotionally and spiritually when God began to heal our marriage (because my husband was very unplugged, passive, unloving, distant, shut down, and didn’t want to touch me, talk with me, or listen to me when I began this journey 7 years ago) please check out this post.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      I believe there is much hope and healing available here for you. I am glad to talk with you about things and will do my best to point you to Christ. Usually, the way He operates is that He wants to dramatically change us first, then, in His timing, and by His power, He begins to pour healing into the marriage as we seek to walk in obedience to Him.

      The Bible is clear that we are not married in heaven. The church will be the “Bride of Christ” in a spiritual sense that we will all be one with Him and with each other spiritually then. But Jesus says that people will be like the angels and will not marry or be given in marriage in heaven. I’m so glad you want to see your marriage improve and heal – but I believe that God has something even more amazing in store for you than just that!

      The post today about the root of all problems in marriage may also be helpful.

      Much love to you!:)


  29. Hannah
    March 31, 2016 at 7:44 pm #

    My husband was very affectionate and always gave out tons of compliments to girls he dated before me and then when he started dating me, he never complimented me or did any of the things he did or said to other girls. We have been together for 6 years and he still doesn’t do anything like that. Am I the problem? It makes me feel like I am not good enough or as pretty as the people he was so crazy about.


    • Peacefulwife
      March 31, 2016 at 7:47 pm #


      I am not sure what happened? Have you ever gently, calmly, respectfully asked him about this? Did he get severely burned or hurt by a woman before you? Do you believe he is feeling well respected by you? It is possible this may not have anything to do with you.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      How do you respond when you are feeling unloved or slighted?

      Much love to you!


      • Hannah
        March 31, 2016 at 9:30 pm #

        I have tried to ask him about it in the past and all he has ever said was that I should know he thinks I’m beautiful.. Is it selfish of me to need to hear it every now and then? The only girl he was ever serious with did cheat on him but the girls he dated after her received the same kind of attention and affection from him. It’s like he was a different person dating other people and then when he started dating me, he changed. I never received any public affection or compliments.


        • Peacefulwife
          April 1, 2016 at 8:17 am #


          It is not wrong to enjoy compliments from your husband, but if he doesn’t give them, how do you respond? Do you feel justified to be cold or to be bitter?

          What are the ways he does show his love for you?

          How often do you bring up this issue and how do you usually approach it?

          Much love!!



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