When my Husband Hurts My Feelings – What Does God Desire Me to Do?

Marriage was designed and instituted by God.   The roles of husband and wife are not interchangeable!!  The Church does not provide for Christ.  The Church is not stronger than Christ.  Christ doesn’t submit to the will of the Church.  Of course, He submitted to the will of His Father in dying for Her, and what He does is always out of love and for her best interest even if He must sacrifice Himself.  The Church does not have authority over Christ to tell Him what to do.  But She can entreat Him for help and mercy.  She can ask for what she needs, knowing He has all the wealth of the universe at His disposal to assist Her in accomplishing His will.  He is the Prince and She is His Princess – and He will share His royalty and paradise with Her!

The mystery of Christ and the Church does fall short in human marriage.  Marriage is HARD!!!!!!  And PAINFUL!!!!!  Sin hurts all of us- our own sin and our spouse’s sin.  Marriage, after all, has two sinful human partners.  Husbands are not infallible like Christ is.  Husbands make mistakes.  Husbands have shortcomings.  Husbands lose their temper wrongly or can be selfish or unloving or hateful or even cruel at times.  And wives definitely can be hateful, bitter, disrespectful, and cause pain and hurt, too- but right now, let’s focus on those inevitable times when our husbands sin against us and hurt us, when they lash out at us, and purposely or accidentally hurt us… when things go wrong (which they WILL!), what are we as Christian wives to do?  I’d love to hear your feedback- what you have learned over the years, and, with your permission, I would love to share your insights and wisdom with the group. (If you are being physically abused, or have a husband who is an active addict, mentally

If there were somehow a problem between the Church and Christ, how should She approach Him?  With screaming, tantrums, pouting, name-calling, guilt, nagging, accusations, bitterness, pride, arrogance, a holier-than-thou attitude?  That would be extremely inappropriate considering the position of the Church in relation to Christ and all He has done for her.  She has much more dignity and self-respect than that.  She has Her faith in Christ and also in God.  She doesn’t need to resort to infantile methods to get her Husband’s attention.  She may boldly approach Him for help and mercy in Her time of need.  But She always reverences Him, knowing how powerful He is and Who He is.  She has a meek, humble attitude.  She has poise and self-control.  She seeks His best and has a disposition to be agreeable to His will and to say yes to His desires.

Even if a husband sins against his wife, he is designed to respond to respect as she confronts him about it.  (Matthew 18 is how we are to respond when we are wronged). His sinfulness does not negate God’s command to his wife to show him respect.  In fact, when a man is disobeying God, it is her very respect and quiet and gentle spirit that does not give way to fear that will draw him back to God and help him see the enormity of his mistake and his accountability for her well being.   Any HINT of disrespect will often make him put up his protective wall to keep his wife out of his heart.  If she lashes out with anger in her pain, she may alienate him further- not entice him to return and to reconcile.  And if she sins against him in retaliation, she will give him plenty of ammo to hold against her and then he’ll be thinking about what she did wrong, NOT what he did wrong.  Her gentle, peaceful, respectful way of confronting him to say he hurt her will cause him to only see his own wrongdoing and to have his own hateful words ringing in his ears and will make him want to scoop her up and protect her and make things right.  I implore all of us – when dealing with a husband who is hurting us – tread carefully here!  Yes, he has wronged me (the Bible promises us that all people sin and stumble in MANY ways- there are no perfect people here!), but if I retaliate or handle this situation wrongly, I will create a much wider chasm than he did.  Gary Thomas in
“Sacred Influence” says that the time I am most tempted to sin is when I am sinned against- HOW TRUE!  God’s goal is unity.  I am called to speak the truth in love to my husband.  I do need to bring up wrongs when I am sinned against directly to the one who hurt me, but with the goal of reconciliation in my marriage and between and my husband and God.   This frame of mind can help us be respectful, peace-loving, patient, gentle and keep what is best for our husband in mind if we do need to bring up an attitude or action or words of his that were hurtful.  (“A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1)

**  If you are in an abusive relationship, or your husband is actively involved in an addiction/alcoholism/infidelity or you are in danger – PLEASE get godly, experienced help immediately!  Those issues go way beyond the scope of this post.**

I pray that we might each prayerfully go to God first when there is a problem.  I pray that we might reverently approach His throne and appeal for His aid, respecting the authority our husbands have over us, even if it is being misused or we are being wronged.  Our husbands have God-given authority over us, like a military commander has authority over those who are under him.  There are many kinds of God-given authority – the government, bosses, parents, church leaders and husbands.   We can still show respect for the position of husband in the marriage even when our husband doesn’t lead well and even when he makes mistakes.  A husband who sees his wife still respects what is good in  him and has faith in him as a man and sees the man he wants to be is powerfully motivated to do better.

I would encourage us to approach our husbands only after a great deal of prayer, maybe even fasting (depending on the nature and severity of the situation) and with a great deal of humility, knowing we could fall just as easily and that we are in need of forgiveness by God and by our husbands daily ourselves.  We are not “better than” our men.  We are all equally wretched sinners in desperate need of Jesus.  Spend some time writing down your husband’s strengths and your own weaknesses before confronting him.  Thank God daily for your husbands strengths and pray to God daily for help with your own pridefulness and sinfulness.

I would encourage all of us to approach our husbands calmly, and to approach them with only this one recent event (not a litany of the past 20 years of their faults- they will give up and not even try if it looks impossible to please us) and a very concise statement of how we are hurting.  I believe most husbands are much more receptive and responsive to our pain than they are to our anger.  Anger will often scare a husband away.  Pain will draw him near- especially if he sees he can do something to help make the pain go away and bring back his wife’s beautiful smile.  And a woman who can gently, lovingly, firmly tell her man- “I know you are better than that.”  “I know you are a good man, and you don’t want to do X.”- will likely get better results than screaming, name-calling and throwing things.

A few things to check first before deciding to talk with him about things (I am not talking here about serious sins against you – if your husband has deeply wounded you, please talk to a Christian counselor, a godly older wife mentor or consider pastoral counseling):

–          Be sure that it isn’t hormones that are really having you feeling angry!!!!  Maybe even wait a few days if it’s around that time to be sure, if you can.

–          Be sure you are taking care of yourself!  Are you tired?  Are you hungry?  Are you sick?  Are you irritable?  Are you in pain?  Are you overwhelmed and overworked?  Being exhausted and spiritually/emotionally/physically spent can make every situation look a lot worse than it probably is.  Take care of yourself first and then you will be in a much healthier frame of mind to consider what the real problem is.   Be sure you have been having your quiet time with God and that you are caught up with repenting for any sins that you need to confess to God!!   This alone takes care  of a lot of issues!

–          Be sure you aren’t expecting something unrealistic from your man.  He isn’t God.  He isn’t your best girlfriend.  He can’t meet all your spiritual and emotional needs.  Maybe you need lunch with a girl friend.  Maybe you need more time with God.   Is what you are upset about actually something that is realistic to expect from a husband?

–          Have you done something disrespectful that upset him?  What is there that you might possibly need to apologize for?  It is so much easier to feel the pain others cause to us than it is to notice the pain we cause others.  Be as open as possible to the idea that his hurtful actions may actually be a reaction to something you said or did that hurt him and made him feel disrespected.

–          Is this really a big deal?  Really?  Really?  If it is small- it may not be worth mentioning.  Love covers over a multitude of sin.  (I Peter)  If it is just that he left a wet towel on the bed again- does that really require a confrontation?  Now if he insulted you or made a hateful remark or was rude- then you have something you need to deal with.

We can calmly, sadly and respectfully say things like, “I am upset.”  “That hurt me very much.”  “I am scared.”  “I am hurting.”  “I feel sad and angry.”  “When you said X, it hurt my feelings.”  “Did I just come across disrespectfully?  Because that felt unloving just now.”  (Dr Eggerich’s favorite line from “Love and Respect.”)  If right at that moment, our husbands say something hurtful, we can say, “Ouch” like Laura Doyle suggests and leave the room and let him think about “how he hurt the woman he loves most in all the world” and leave him with his own hurtful words ringing in his ears, with no ammunition from you being fired back at him.   And we can briefly (probably about only 1-5% of all the things you have thought about saying!!!) tell our husbands that we are hurt and how we are hurt.  And I would suggest that this process of telling him that you are hurt should probably not be more than a few minutes in most cases.  He is going to check out if this discussion goes on for 20 minutes or 2 hours.  That is overload for him.  He may need to think about things for a day.  It takes men at least 7 more hours to process highly emotionally charged information than it does for women.  Let him mull over what you say without trying to force him to apologize immediately.

I would suggest not taking the bait if he throws it back at you, “Well, YOU, have done X, Y, Z wrong!!!”  If you have done something wrong, it would certainly be wise to apologize ONE TIME, sincerely and without explanation.  “I apologize for being disrespectful to you.  I don’t want to do that.  I’m sorry.”  And leave it there.  No “but you should have…”  or “it’s just that you did X”  No explanations or excuses.  Just a simple single apology.  That will speak volumes.  And we need to apologize to God and forgive ourselves.

If he is able to apologize and come towards you to hug you, GREAT!!!  Reconciliation is occurring!  If at all possible, forgive him right then and then if you need him to do something to make things right, you can calmly, quietly let him know about that.  And then the situation needs to be dropped.  Like – forever.

If not, he may need some time- I am talking hours or days possibly, to think about what you said.

It might be that moving away and giving him space for awhile is a good idea- not for us to pout, but for him to have time to process.  Men aren’t nearly as verbal as we are and a lot of words and emotions can be overwhelming and takes a long time to digest.  Really!  Later, if he hasn’t apologized, and he tries to act like things are fine, you can say, “I am still upset.”  And that is all you really need to say.  (Bob Grant’s ideas).

But then, I would also suggest following Jesus’ ideas about blessing those who curse you, bless and do not curse them.  Be kind to those who insult you.  Repay evil with good.  Pray about how you might bless your husband.   I know God will give you some very creative ideas!  When he sees you bless him after he knows he was wrong towards you, he will have a huge crushing load of guilt to deal with.  And he will be in a much better frame of mind to see your pain and to hear God’s voice and repent.

This is certainly not an exhaustive work on handling conflict with our husbands.  And I am not infallible.  But I hope to give some healthy ways and maybe fresh ideas to handle difficult situations that might bring about reconciliation a lot faster and that might bring unity to our marriages and glory to God!  If you are dealing with a really serious problem: infidelity, abuse, drug addiction- please seek help from our pastors at church and the resources we have available!  Seek godly counsel.

I pray that we might all become more and more like Christ, more holy, set apart to accomplish His purposes in our lives, in our marriages and families.  I pray that we might be open to His Word and that He might make us the godly women He desires us to be!

With love and great anticipation of all that God is going to do in each of our marriages!


We are responsible on our end to treat others with love and respect. But the ultimate goal is not to please people or have their approval, but to please Christ and have His approval.

I also talk often about that we are each responsible not to respond in sin to others, but we are responsible to respond in the power of the Holy Spirit and His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). God never gives us a “free pass” to sin even if we truly are being sinned against. We are responsible to love all other people with the love of Christ:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

But we are not responsible for the way others respond. Sometimes people may feel upset or feel unloved or disrespected, when we are actually truly loving them in a God-honoring way. We are only responsible for ourselves, our emotions, our sin, our obedience to God, loving God with all our hearts, and loving others in His power. This will require wisdom and discernment from God’s Spirit as we seek to live in obedience to God for ourselves.


For anyone who wants to read more about this issue, please search my home page for these posts:

Am I Responsible for My Spouse’s Happiness?
Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Relationships
I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
I Am Responsible for My Emotions
Where Do Hatred, Rage, and Violence Fit into Our Lives?

25 Ways to Respect Myself

The Surprising Root of All Marriage Problems

Some other good key words to search:

– idol/idolatry
– control
– emotions
– feelings
– bitterness
– fear
– needy and clingy
– unloved

101 Comments on “When my Husband Hurts My Feelings – What Does God Desire Me to Do?”

  1. chastac
    December 19, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    I am struggling with this so much now. I love my husband & I respect him immensely but he has hurt me tremendously in the past 4 months. I feel like a failure every day because I can’t get over this hurt. My pain & hurt is causing him to hurt me worse. I feel like I have to stop loving him to make this crazy cycle stop. My true heart’s desire is to be the wife for him God wants me to be. I am failing. My pain does not make him want to protect me. My pain irritates him. I am praying for God to show me how to love & submit to him through this. I love my husband’s heart. I love the man I know he is when he let’s God be in control. I hate who we both are when we take control.


    • peacefulwife
      December 19, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

      Has your husband repented?
      Are you both believers in Christ?

      Your pain only makes your husband want to protect you under a few circumstances:
      – he does not feel blamed for the pain, he feels he can be the hero and make things right
      – he has been feeling respected as a man for an extended period of time in the marriage

      THEN, when his wife is in emotional pain – he will usually want to protect her.
      BUT, she must express pain more as hurt and sadness, not so much anger and hatred. If he detects contempt for who he is as a man, he is likely to shut down and think it’s impossible for him to succeed to make his wife happy, so why try?

      Your words may make things worse when you are upset.

      If you want to email me, I would be glad to listen to the situation and give you my opinion – and attempt to point you to Christ and obedience to His Word.

      Or, if it is possible, seeing a godly ,Christian woman counselor or older godly mentor wife in your church may be very helpful.
      Would your husband agree to something like that?

      Are you physically safe right now?

      Much love to you!

      Praying for God’s healing for your heart, your husband’s heart and your marriage.


    • Tamela
      April 6, 2014 at 4:23 am #

      My pain also irritates my husband I have told my husband his wrath that verbally comes out is mouth is hurtful but if does not cause him to stop it causes him to get more and more angry


      • peacefulwife
        April 6, 2014 at 7:11 am #


        I’m here if you would like to talk about what is going on.:)


    • BJ
      March 24, 2016 at 8:36 am #

      For many on here, they need to know that their husbands are narcissistic lying heathens. their is no hope of them becoming a God fearing man. He is the ultimate liar. He has no faith, he is just using religion as a form of control. God knows he is a liar, he knows he is a liar, now you know he is a liar. Learn to discern. As soon as you realise he is a fake Christian , the better. Then you will move on and hopefully never see him again. Its the only way.


      • Peacefulwife
        March 31, 2016 at 7:41 pm #


        Goodness, it sounds like you have experienced a lot of pain.😦 I am so very sorry!

        I believe that no one is beyond the reach of God and that on our own, we are all “narcissistic heathen.” Meaning, there is nothing at all good in any of us apart from Christ (Romans 3:23, Isaiah 64:6) but – praise God! Jesus died for all of us and He offers to crucify our old sinful selves with Him on the cross and give us a new self in Him and a new Spirit.

        However, we cannot open other people’s spiritual eyes, or even our own. There can be times when separation is necessary if one spouse is involved in serious unrepentant sin. My prayer would be that the believing spouse would continue to grow in Christ and pray for God to reach the unbelieving spouse and redeem him/her to Himself and, in His timing, restore the marriage to be something truly healthy and God-honoring.

        Thanks for your comment.:)


  2. thenursewhowrites
    January 26, 2013 at 9:16 am #

    This is why Christian women (and yes Jesus is my Lord and Savior) are being abused and tolerating it. Please spend some time in fasting and prayer yourself, read scripture, and ask the Lord to reveal to you if your message here is accurate/Christ-inspired. Your heart is in the right place, but you have no idea the additional wounds you place on your sisters hearts enduring psychologically abusive marriages.


    • peacefulwife
      January 26, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

      Thanks for your comment – I updated a few things. I do not intend this to be a post for women who are being abused or for women whose husbands are addicted or who are suffering from untreated or uncontrolled mental disorders. I definitely don’t ever want to further wound wives. I desire to point them to God, to focusing on their own sin and their responsibility to obey God’s Word for themselves. I believe wives do need to tell their husbands when their husbands hurt them. If there are major abuses going on – that is definitely way beyond the scope of this post and this blog.

      I looked through the post and tried to be sure it couldn’t be construed to support abuse. If there are specific items that concern you, I would love for you to point them out so I can look more closely.

      Thanks so much for your concern and your comment!


  3. Roy Williston
    February 13, 2013 at 1:29 am #

    Hi Peacefulwife. I ran across your site and thought perhaps a mans perspective might be helpful….hope thats OK.

    Firstly, I wish to clearly express that the scope of pain that is being addressed here is not physical or emotional abuse. That would be a situation requiring serious help & council. Please know that what we are discussing are daily relational issues that are commonly dealt with in a fleshly manner causing a breach in the marriage relationship.

    My parents taught us that a wife is a treasure, a wealth of knowledge, gifted in many areas that many times we are not. If one considers the gifts that our heavenly father gives us we can clearly see that they are usually far more dynamic, precious, and more encompassing that we perceive or deserve. (I.E. life, dominion over the earth, salvation, etc.) A wife is no exception, I am not ashamed to say that my sweetheart is far more gifted, smarter, (definitely prettier!) than I am. That does not however relieve me of my responsibility to lead, love, provide, protect, nourish, cherish, wash with the word, etc. Her abilities do not cause a role reversal, but rather an awesome resource to draw from in order to properly lead my family.

    That being said, I many times in my lack of sensitivity and understanding say “the wrong thing” or “do the wrong thing”. usually, it means I somehow failed to demonstrate to her that she is safe or precious. I desperately need to know when these times occur……..I desire to grow into the responsibility to love her as my Messiah loves us. But in my flesh I often miss the mark. For me, there is no better teacher that my wife as to the nuts & bolts of how to love her.

    I definitely concur with the fact that men will hear better when we feel the respect of our wives. If we feel that we are failing in our responsibility and have lost the respect of our wives (by accusations, anger etc.) we feel weakened and hopeless in ever achieving our goal to lead properly. If she shares her heart and hurts with me as she would with someone she trusts and looks to for help, it causes me to want to ride in on a white horse and save the day! If I feel my wife’s respect for me, I can fight like a powerful soldier knowing her heart is with me. Without it, I feel alone on the battlefield and do not have the heart to fight.

    The parental gap in our present age has caused us to lose a wealth of relational knowledge that used to be taught by those older & wiser than we. I appreciated what I read on your site and see the potential of this kind of knowledge available to those who desire solid marriages.

    Don’t give up on us “clueless men” too fast!!! Some of us really do want to learn how to love our wives…….with your help & respect, we can.

    Thanks for listening,



    • peacefulwife
      February 13, 2013 at 7:40 am #

      I LOVE this! I wonder if you might allow me to use it as a post, please?
      THank you for taking the time to share your insights and a masculine perspective. We DO appreciate that here!


      • Roy Williston
        February 13, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

        Please feel free.


      • Deb
        March 14, 2016 at 1:43 am #

        Hi What if i am not sure my husband actually wants to lead? he has hardly ever made/stuck to a decision himself. he almost always listen to what other people suggest. I think its becuase he does not want to the responsibilty if anything goes wrong. He find every excuse except his responsibilites for things.it really seems to me like he jsut doesnt care about leading his family- he cares about work but doesnt seem to take resplnsibilites as a husband and father to heart.?we are goint thru a really hard time right now- his anger has hurt deeply. so i was looking for a post to help me deal with it. Thanks


        • Peacefulwife
          March 14, 2016 at 8:08 am #


          He is not well right now – not at all. Right now, he is not leading in a godly way, but I think he is overcome with grief and maybe even with lies.

          Instead of assuming he doesn’t want to lead, I think it may be wise to assume he maybe isn’t sure how to or that he may have fear going on. It’s wise not to assume evil motives – that “he doesn’t care about leading,” but to think about that maybe he didn’t have godly examples and maybe he isn’t sure how to lead. Or maybe he is not spiritually healthy enough and strong enough to be able to lead and needs a lot of God’s healing?

          How do you tend to respond when he doesn’t lead the way you would like him to (before the past few weeks, I mean) – if you would like to talk about it.

          Much love to you!


    • Truth
      October 9, 2013 at 9:31 am #

      Thx, so much for that.


  4. Stephanie
    June 19, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    I have recently been losing my best friend of almost four years due to this “belief”. Her husband abuses her with religion, telling her as the Christian woman she claims to be(she is) that she must be in all way submissive to him. He abuses this word if God, he doesn’t let her go anywhere(girls days, girls weekends…etc) he constantly accuses her of cheating so he can get that extra attention and affirmation from her that she is indeed NOT cheating on him. He has cheated on her numerous times but comes back with “we are all sinners, and you are Christian and must forgive me and show me the Christian path”. She sometimes wants to muster up the courage to leave but her Christian faith prevents her from doing so. She has tried to leave but he just calls and calls and she doesn’t ignore him, he stalks her down wherever she is and says things like “God has spoken to me, he has opened my eyes. I going to change but you can’t see that change unless you come home to me.” He twists church sermons, one being about “if you are going down a road that is leading nowhere(hint hint) then stop taking the same road, try something different. If there are certain people leading you down the wrong road then try not taking that road with them. Build your own path with God…etc” she took this to heart and balled and was sure of what the right thing to do was, get out of Dodge!!! Then HE talks to her and convinces her it means something completely different. He interprets that it means they need to take a different path TOGETHER!!! Not only is this a bad marriage for her but she has 2 little boys!!!! I guarantee that when they grow up and have marriages and relationships with women that it will be the SAME! He uses this to his advantage. He is addicted to gaming online and will do this any free moment he has(cursing and talking about killing the other players, all fighting to the death games). Her four year old had to be called home one day for bringing a pocket knife to school one day and threatening to take another child’s life! This went on his permanent record, a four year old!!!! And he has a job at least(took him 5 years, at GAMESTOP!) he currently dies not have a drivers liscence because he has had so many run ins with the law($10,000 in fines) so she is the only one who can get everyone where they need to go. He also brings stolen items into tbe house and illegal weapons and has her pick some if these itens up for him since he cannot drive. he puts her in danger constantly”but he never physically abuses” .she is a fulltime student trying to get a degree in nursing but he interrupts her schooling everytime he gets a chance. It is affecting the entire family and she refuses to see it. She feels all she needs to do is show him the Godly path and do that by being submissive or what have you. She basically makes no decision for herself, ever. What say you to this? If this is the idealoligy of Christianity then I want to Never be Christian!


    • peacefulwife
      June 19, 2013 at 3:13 pm #


      This story makes me really sad.😦

      Does he claim to follow Christ himself?

      There are absolutely men who twist God’s Word and try to force their women into more of a “slave” type of position and who are controlling and abusive. THAT IS NOT AT ALL GOD’S DESIGN FOR HUSBANDS! God’s design is found in Ephesians 5:22-33. Husbands are to represent Christ’s love, selflessness, humility, sacrificial leadership and a servant’s heart to their wives and families. Husbands are accountable for their leadership to God and will stand before Him to be judged. What you are saying about this man tells me that he is not at all following Christ, but is following his own sinful nature. If he does not repent of his sin and turn to Christ for forgiveness and allow God to change his heart and mind, he will face severe judgment.

      Submission means honoring our husband’s leadership “in the Lord.” If my husband asks me to sin or condone sin, I cannot follow him. I must respectfully resist him. If my husband were involved in illegal activities, I would have to say, “This is not ok. I want to trust you and honor your leadership, but until you stop doing X, Y and Z, I cannot cooperate with you.”

      What do you mean that he puts her in danger constantly?

      A godly wife does say what she wants, what she needs and how she feels. Then, if her husband is not asking her to sin or condone sin, she trusts God’s sovereignty to guide her through her husband.

      There are times when a husband is so out of line that a wife may have to separate and seek godly counsel.

      God does give wives whose husbands are disobedient to His Word a prescription to show honor and respect to them and to cooperate with their leadership (unless the man is asking her to sin or condone sin) and not to preach or nag but to allow God to work in his heart.

      I would like to see her have a strong, godly mentoring wife or a Christian counselor – preferably for both of them.


      • peacefulwife
        June 19, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

        You may like my youtube video “My Husband Makes it Easy for Me to Submit to Him”

        This is how a godly husband acts.

        I don’t try to teach men on my blog. It is only for women. But I want women to be aware of God’s design for marriage. Ideally, we would only marry godly men who are completely submitted to Jesus themselves, who are humble, gentle, patient, loving, kind, etc.

        God can change husbands. And He can change wives. We can’t change people.

        There is hope for this husband. I will definitely pray for him and his wife!


  5. mapule phakane
    June 21, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    I hate my husband so much,I don’t think I will ever love him again,he has hurt me so much for the past 12 months,he always suspect am cheating just because I work in the mine,he checks my phone,dialed calls,received and massages,my face page am so tired of him accusing me,please help and am not cheating


    • peacefulwife
      June 22, 2013 at 12:38 pm #


      I am sorry you are so hurt! He does not believe you? How is the rest of your relationship?

      Are either of you believers in Christ?

      Sending you a big hug!


      • mapulephakane@gmail.com
        June 22, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

        Yes we are both belivers,the rest of our relationship is good,its just that he doent trust me even thou I haven’t given him a reason to,even when I am 10 minutes late he thing he complains,when I got a lift from my colliques,do think he loves me or is he obsessed with me?
        Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!


        • peacefulwife
          June 22, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

          Was he deeply hurt in a relationship in the past, or in his childhood?


          • mapulephakane@gmail.com
            June 22, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

            Yes he was both in his past relationship and his childhood
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!


            • peacefulwife
              June 22, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

              So, maybe he has many wounds and scars that affect him. Maybe it is not about you. But he has fear because of all that he has been through?

              Would you please read I John this week and let me know what God speaks to you? And also Romans 8-12.

              Is it possible for you to be as open and honest as you can and to allow your husband access to your phone/computer and anything else so that he can see that you are faithful to him?

              What do you say to him when he questions you?

              Do you yell at him?

              What things do you say to each other?

              Would he prefer to take you to work himself?

              What does he ask you to do that would make him feel more peace?


              • peacefulwife
                June 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

                Oh, and you may want to read the posts at the top of my home page about respect and disrespect.


                • mapulephakane@gmail.com
                  June 22, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

                  But I don’t understand why is he taking out his pain on me am not the bad guy here
                  Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!


                  • peacefulwife
                    June 22, 2013 at 3:08 pm #


                    People who have been severely emotionally wounded have a VERY hard time trusting anyone. They assume that any person will hurt them. He is reacting out of his hurt and great fear.

                    He is not physically hurting you, right?

                    If he is not, then, my suggestion is to do all you can to smile at him. Bless him. Love and respect him. Do kind things for him. LIsten to him. Cooperate with him as much as possible. Be friendly to him. Thank him for anything he does that is good.

                    Find your contentment in Jesus alone. Seek His will, His wisdom, His purpose, His glory. BE willing to lay down your plans, your desires, your will, your wisdom, your rights – and live your life as a sacrifice to Jesus.

                    Look over your husband’s shoulder to Jesus standing behind him. Treat your husband as you would treat Jesus. Jesus says that whatever we do to people, we do to Him. Overcome evil with good! Romans 12

                    Jesus says to forgive men when they sin against us so that God will forgive us. Matthew 6:14-15 (after the Lord’s Prayer)

                    Maybe God has you with this man to bless him and help him find healing from all the bad relationships he has had?

                    You can’t change your husband. But God can. As you seek to be the wife God desires you to be, God will empower you to obey Him and to love and respect your husband so that you can begin to see and love your husband the way God does.


                    • peacefulwife
                      June 22, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

                      Here is a post my brother wrote about when our spouses wrong us:

                      Today’s post is a guest post by a VERY special guest contributor – my brother!!! Nathan Trevett is such a godly man, husband and father. I am really excited that he is going to be tackling some of the husbands’ toughest questions for us. I appreciate his sound biblical theology and Christ-centered approach. And he lives out being a Christlike husband and father. He doesn’t choose the passive route, or the tyrant route. He is very plugged in and involved. Today he is addressing the question of what to do when your spouse is wrong. He is planning to address more specific questions for the husbands in the future about what to do when a wife refuses to cooperate with her husband’s leadership. I’m looking forward to his contributions! If you have questions or concerns, feel free to comment!

                      There is one major point that can lead this question down one of two paths. Has the spouse been redeemed by the atoning work of Christ on the cross? This point needs to be extremely explicit. This does not mean church attendance or a life devoted to religious church culture. It does not mean trying to do the right thing. It means understanding how big God is and how fallen we are and that only by Christ being crushed on the cross can He redeem our life. 2 Peter 1 gives a great list of fruit of the spirit then in verses 8-9 it shows that if you are not increasing in the spirit then you either do not have the spirit in you or you have become so nearsighted that you have forgotten that you have been forgiven.

                      His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of of our lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is near-sighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. II Peter 1:3-9

                      We can not expect non-believers to follow God’s word…it is foolishness to them. If a couple is unequally yoked, they are in for hard times. The burden is completely on the believer to live a life of love in patience regardless of the spouses actions. 1 Cor 7:13-16 is where Paul gives instructions for Christians with unbelieving spouses.
                      And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? I Corinthians 7:13-16

                      1 Cor 5:9-13 tells us not to judge unbelievers but that we do have a role to play in holding believers accountable. Now, the primary role of the spouse is to be love to them, to extend limitless grace and to endure all things. But, when a believing spouse is constantly going against a principle of God’s word it can fall to their spouse to point it out clearly and concisely in love. This cannot look like nagging and cannot be in response to an offense. This should probably be coordinated with a date and lovingly present the pattern that is in offense to God’s word. Once it has been brought up, that needs to be the last time it’s said. Both spouses need to be surrounding themselves with mentors and same sex accountability where these things are discussed.

                      Other than that, it is the responsibility of the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Just like Christ’s love is unwavering in our unfaithfulness, we are called to the same love. I would not advise confrontation on any of the issues you mentioned (specific disrespect of a wife or refusal to cooperate with her husband’s leadership) until they become more than isolated events. As we are all married to sinners, the burden is on us to overlook individual offenses and constantly extend overwhelming grace.


              • mapulephakane@gmail.com
                June 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

                Thank u very much I will do that
                Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!


        • peacefulwife
          June 22, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

          Do you have access to a Bible?
          How is your prayer time and Bible reading going?


          • mapulephakane@gmail.com
            June 22, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

            I do pray for peace in my family,I read my bible but not everyday
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!


  6. Jennifer
    July 25, 2013 at 1:31 am #

    Thank you so much for posting this. I try really hard to be a Godly wife, and it always seems that my husband thinks I fall short. He says things like, “Well I am a nice person, and you are not. ” “My family doesn’t act that way.” ” you are so much like your mother. ” ( being condescending, because my my mother has been married three times and he doesn’t like her. ) When he says these things, I alwayset him know it hurts my feelings and he just says its the truth. I don’t know how to get him to stop. Am I overreacting??


    • peacefulwife
      July 25, 2013 at 8:04 am #

      It is wonderful to meet you!:)

      Hmm… I can’t tell yet if you are overreacting or not. You can’t really control what he says – but I do think that if you can embrace his message and pray about it and ask God to show you if there is anything He may want you to change, that may help.

      It may be necessary to ask a few more questions:

      – What is it that I do that hurts you?
      – In what ways am I not acting “nice”?
      – Did I do something that felt disrespectful to you?

      Do you know specifically what he means about you acting like your mother or about what your family doesn’t do?

      I would suggest reading the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission. Ask God to show you what He wants you to change and do differently.

      Would you like to give me an example of a conversation between the two of you before he said some of these things and we can hash through this together?:)

      It is possible that God may be trying to speak to you through your husband. It is also possible your husband is being harsh – I am not sure yet.

      Here is a Youtube video about <a href="“>”Responding to Our Husband’s Constructive Criticism”


    • Sheila
      May 24, 2015 at 2:50 pm #

      No you aren’t over reacting its emotional abuse that will get worse if you allow it, I feel the writer of this article has no concept at all of Abuse to a Woman by a so called Christian Husband and most churches do nothing about HIS SIN


      • Peacefulwife
        May 26, 2015 at 8:40 am #


        I do not specialize in counseling women who are abused – that is true. I have a number of posts on my site and hundreds of disclaimers throughout my site that if a wife is truly being abused – that she not read my blog but seek godly, wise, experienced, biblical counsel – and that she seek police protection and medical help and other kinds of help, if necessary.

        I don’t ever want anyone – husbands or wives – to be abused. I don’t condone any sin against anyone in marriage or any other relationship.

        I don’t have experience with abuse myself – my slant is that I was a controlling wife with a passive husband. God’s Word applies to all of us, but my most vulnerable sisters who are actually experiencing true abuse are going to probably need specialized counseling geared toward the abusive situation. Sometimes women with abusive husbands seem to hear me saying things on my blog that I do NOT say.

        I don’t want any woman who is truly in danger to stay in a dangerous situation. Please, get out safely and seek appropriate help!

        I long for every abused wife/husband to find healing and hope in the church and in Christ. There is supposed to be church discipline in place to help in situations like this – but, sadly, many churches no longer practice church discipline. And if a husband is not a believer, he wouldn’t care what the church said, anyway.

        The Salvation Army seems to have a particularly effective counseling ability for women in abusive relationships – that may be a godly resource to try.

        I have seen God do many miracles in some really desperate situations. I don’t ever want to tell women that God can’t help them or that there is no hope. In Christ, we have EVERY reason to hope!

        Much love to you, my dear sister.


  7. Wendy hughes
    August 25, 2013 at 2:18 am #

    My husband disrespected
    Me so bad he called me names and stayed out all night I called no
    Answer straight to voicemail all night no text no nothing he’s been accused
    Of cheating with other women who has his phone heberbal abusive omg what should do


    • peacefulwife
      August 26, 2013 at 3:00 pm #

      I am so sorry to hear that things are so difficult right now.😦

      Do you have a godly pastor or godly mentoring wife in your life?


  8. Christine
    October 9, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    I don’t know where to start. I am a veteran wife of 27 1/2 years. I have dealt with a lot through out all of those years from abuse physically n mentally, lies, adultery, and I have always forgiven. I can’t blame everything on my husband, because when I’m upset I have lashed out in anger to protect myself. My words is my weapon. I’m just so tired of the way we choose to communicate with each other after all these years. Yes, both of are saved n I am very strong in my faith with God. We’ve have been disagreeing all week and our conversations have been going into arguments, but yesterday I finally got fed up with it and said why are you acting like a a******. I realize that was not the right thing to say, but once it was out I couldn’t take it back. Well with that being said he called me a b****. and that pierce me to the core. I put up with so much from him for many years. He gives the reason why he said what he said was because I said what I said. I don’t buy that because his communication is always like that he lashes out to where I’m afraid. He goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. Its been awhile since he been abusive, but still that hangs over my head. He make promises that he do not keep he say that he’s going to get help n never do. I have caught him in several lies, but I still forgive n submitt. When I bring it to his attention that he hurt me he come back with a reason why he’s hurtor some excuse. don’t get me wrong we do have good times in our marriage relationship, and this does not
    always happen but when it do it is heated. I’m just tired n he put all blame on me. I admitted when I’m wrong even when I’m not I submitt just to keep the peace. I can’t talk to my friends about this because they just wouldn’t understand how I am still. putting up with this. How can I act like everything is okay n fulfill my reasonable serves to him. He’s a great provider, and gives me whatever I want except for his
    time, because he wk so much too. How can I forgive him for the B******* word? I don’t use curse words to call him out his name. But I know my mouth can go off sometimes to say what he’s not doing n need to do n at first it starts out good then after 20min. of it he’s going off n have flipped out. I know I can push his buttons. I’m not doing it on purpose I’m just trying to get him to respond n understand me n that I love him but when he does this or do not do this that it hurts me and our marriage. because sometimes he does not think before he
    react he just do it and then afterwards we both suffer the consequences. okay that’s all you get the picture.


    • peacefulwife
      October 9, 2013 at 2:19 pm #


      I’m so pleased to meet you!

      Well.. you have been through A LOT in your marriage. If there is still abuse, lies or infidelity going on – please, please involve a godly pastor or godly Christian counselor. I am not equipped to handle such serious issues here. Of course, God is able to handle anything. So is His Word.

      I would suggest apologizing for what you called him.

      I would also suggest deciding that you are not going to call your husband any kind of names – no matter what he does to you.

      It would be awesome if he didn’t call you names either. But you can set the tone by honoring Christ with all of your speech and refusing to sin against your husband even if he sins against you. You don’t have to yell and scream or cuss. You don’t have to be disrespectful. He can’t make you do those things. You are responsible for the words that come out of your mouth. He is responsible for the words that come out of his mouth. If you never sin against him – it will prick his conscience and make him much less likely to call you horrible things.

      I believe that you can forgive him knowing that you had just called him something equally horrible. It sounds like you are each falling to the other person’s level of spiritual immaturity. One of you will have to decide to be the spiritual mature one and to realize that this way of speaking to anyone else is unacceptable to Jesus. Check out Ephesians 4:29-5:20, I Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:22-23, Matthew 6 (the Lord’s prayer and the 2 verses after it about forgiveness), Matthew 7:1-5, Romans 12:9-21, I John chapters 2-4, James 1 – These are the ways God expects us to treat even our enemies. Surely that is how He expects us to treat our husbands. Please remember that God counts what you do to and for your husband as if you were doing it to or for God.

      Another thing that may help you to forgive is to really ask God to help you get a true grasp on exactly how much Jesus has forgiven you for. He has forgiven you for “billions of sin dollars” – so He can empower you to forgive your husband for a $50 offense.

      Much love to you my precious sister!!!

      Check out this Youtube video of mine
      <a href="“>My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Him

      My Youtube channel is ‘April Cassidy’


  9. Diana
    November 13, 2013 at 2:45 pm #

    My husband is 25, and we have been together almost 5 years, married for 3. He moved out, left me 10 days ago. He said hes not in love with me anymore. He loves me but not in that way. And it hurts so much. We’ve been through so much and ive changed so much to become a better wife, because I wasnt being the wife I needed to be and he repeatedly spoke to me about it but my age (22) just caused a lack of maturity on my part (and I know I have my faults and I know and take responsibility for our fair share of problems) and we were in two different pages when he tried to communicate our problems to me. He almost left me in February and that was a big eye opener. Many months had passed and right when I become the person I need to be, or at least attempt to be, and when I’m the most in love with him I’ve ever been, dedicated everything to him, he decides he no longer loves me and doesnt know if he’ll ever come home. I know God wants it to work out and I know he has my best interests in his heart and his timing is not my timing. I just feel so discouraged sometimes, I dont know how to release my marriage to him, everytime I do i feel like im back to square one because I start having fears and doubts, and time scares me. What if his feelings solidify and he realizes he really doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want to be with me? Hes receptive to me but what good does it do me when he wants nothing to do with me in that way. Just writing about it makes me want to cry because im so in love with him and there was a time when he was too. And i just want that back. But i dont know how… I feel so lost sometimes, all i find myself doing is praying and talking to God and hoping he’ll soften his heart, work in him and be who God needs him to be, to remember why he fell in love… I feel like my soulmate was ripped from me. We were best friends, but somewhere along the lines our communication faltered…


    • peacefulwife
      November 13, 2013 at 3:23 pm #


      I am so sorry for the pain you are going through! How frustrating that it is happening now when God is working so strongly in your life.

      Here’s what I do know – God can change people. We can’t.

      If you are able to focus on putting Christ first, submitting fully to Him as Lord, obeying Him and seeking to please Him above all else and you seek to bless your husband – that is what matters most. God will reward you for your faithfulness in heaven even if your husband is not acting in obedience to Him.

      But – God may work through you and work in your husband and bring about reconciliation. People’s feelings can change – especially when God gets ahold of their hearts. I see it every day.:)

      I have a support email group for wives whose husbands have abandoned them or are involved in infidelity if you would like to join.:)

      I pray for God’s healing for you both and for your marriage. Please keep on pursuing Christ and asking Him to make you the woman He desires you to be. We will trust God with the results with your husband.


  10. Nit
    November 29, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    I really needed this 🙏


    • peacefulwife
      November 29, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

      I’m so glad that it was a blessing to you.:)


  11. Jill
    January 13, 2014 at 3:18 am #

    I honestly have issues with this. These things you give are the excuses my husband uses to continue abusing me. It is always my fault. He is wrong and so are many things you bring up. The Lord is very clear that a man is to love his wife. Never ever does it say in scripture that a woman is commanded to love her husband rather it commands a husband to love his wife. A wife is to respect her husband but how could she if he isn’t loving her as Christ loves the church? He is to lay his life down for her. 1Peter 3:7 even goes to say God will ignore a husbands prayers if he is even harsh with his wife. That doesn’t seem to me that God would demand a wife to respect her husband if the Lord Himself isn’t! Ignoring someone is a huge disrespect! The man is to be in charge so the household runs smooth. Look at how deacons are held at a higher standard, same goes to the man-he is after all the ruler of his house and in fact he is told to have his house in order. Also the Bible states clearly that if a man doesn’t provide for his own household he is worse than an infidel. He needs to lay his selfish needs aside to care for his bride. The wife of his youth. He is to chase her endlessly and die for her. If its her responsibility as you stated to approach with respect, etc then he just ignores Gods instructions. It is the man’s job to make sure his wife is NOT upset. Then she will not have any problem respecting him because she will feel secure, safe, protected and defended.
    My husband lives as a child. Never left mom and dad nor did he cleave to me. The consequences are overwhelming. God gave me visions and prophetic giftings that have all come true. Non of these evils would have ever occurred if my husband would have just followed the Bible-the ultimate blue print in life. Every time he sneaks, cheats, does anything behind my back God reveals it to me. Once I was shown he was talking to his parents after we had agreed to cut ties. He lied to me and had me in a choke hold lying saying I was crazy and he wasn’t doing it. Well the Lord showed him. He ended up falsely accused for doing something he really didn’t do, but failed a polygraph and went to jail. Guess what? He called me crying this is how it went “I failed the test!why would God allow this? I have to confess, I’ve been talking to my parents behind your back.” And there you have it. His parents told him to choose them over me. He then tried to kill me and called the police on me to take me away from my children so he and his folks could have their way. God intervened. Things got even worse. I had visions of sexual abuse. It came true. Husband didn’t believe me but I said God says you will take the blame for your dad, and that is exactly what had happened.
    After he said sorry and went through court he swore he’d change. Nope. Guess who’s fault it was? Mine. In his eyes. Still refuses the truth, forgets what the Lord has done more than once to rebuke him all because he feels he shouldn’t be told he’s wrong. I didn’t scream at first. Never yelled. He did. Then when I started to mimic his behavior it just fueled his blame game. I just found out he’s stealing money for his addictions. No remorse on his end. No in fact he says to me he can’t live with my controlling ways. If I were controlling he wouldn’t be this way. He just says whatever makes him right in his eyes. As soon as I bring in an outside party, he agrees he’s sick. Then tells me I caused all of the trouble. They don’t know the real me.

    See he says it is all because I don’t respect him. I would be sinning if I did. It would be akin to serving a false God. He didn’t and doesn’t deserve respect for living in direct disobedience to our Lord. He will not get respect for what he does. He needs to earn it. By the way-we’ve been to over 13 counselors who all agree with me. One man even said this “the Hebrew word for love means ‘giving’ when translated, it is a verb. Love is an action. LOVE IS WHAT LOVE DOES.”

    God is a righteous God, he is so clear about how husbands are to be. He puts way more emphasis on them then the wives. Respect is earned. If a husband follows Gods precepts then a wife would have NO issues respecting her husband.

     The husband is to love his wife above all other human beings. Consider Eph. 5:25 and 28; and Col. 3:19. These passages teach that the husband is to be considerate and tender. The verses in Ephesians 5 teach that the husband is to cherish his wife. This means that she is to be treated with tenderness and affection. This would mean that since love must be fed, there is to be a warm demonstrative love relationship. The husband has the responsibility of not only demonstrating his love and concern, but telling her. He should not sit in such self-absorption that he does not talk with her and communicate with her socially, mentally, verbally and physically. The husband will demonstrate his love for his wife in other ways, rather than just at the time of sexual relationship. If this is the only time that affection and consideration is shown, then a wife will get the idea that all a husband is interested in is her body and that she is merely a sex object.I Peter 3:7, teaches that the husband is to honor his wife. She gave up her name to take yours. Honor means that you should show her respect and this involves courtesy, consideration and emotional support. Be sure that as her husband that you do not hold her up to ridicule in public by the cutting remarks that you make. She wears YOUR name and is to viewed as part of your body. She is not perfect and you are aware of this. Do not expect perfection, but as Ephesians 4:32 teaches, “forbear one another”. This means to be gentle toward her. Control of temper, abstaining from physical violence and restraining a sharp tongue that makes one feel so inferior – are ways by which you can exhibit forbearance.Paul presents another responsibility of husbands in I Timothy 5:8 – “But if any provide not for his own, especially for those of his own household, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel”. Marriage is a financial venture and the husband has a responsibility to finance or support or provide for his family.Ephesians 5:25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for herEphesians 5:24-26 (in Context) Ephesians 5 (Whole Chapter)Other TranslationsEphesians 5:28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.Colossians 3:19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. I Timothy 3:3-5, and he speaks of ruling your own house. Now this discipline should be with love. Many times discipline is administered without love. The Book says in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers provoke not your children to wrath”, and again in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged”. The husband therefore does not leave all the discipline up to his wife, but shares in the molding and direction of your children. It is not a proper division of responsibility to say that as the husband I will provide the living and the wife is to take care of the house and children. The husband has duties even after his days work is done by which lie is earning a living to support his family.The Christian father should set an example for his family as he earns a living, directs the household with concern for each member, and as he fulfills his role as head of the house. He should see to their spiritual development by the life he lives and the direction in which he leads his family.1But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.2For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,3unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,…1 Peter 3:7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 


    • peacefulwife
      January 13, 2014 at 7:53 am #


      I actually agree with you – husbands absolutely are to love their wives and to obey God’s Word and are held to a higher standard. I don’t write for husbands, so I don’t talk about that on my blog. My husband has a blog for men http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. A wife cannot make her husband obey God. That is his choice – but he WILL stand accountable to God. A husband cannot make his wife respect and honor his leadership – that is her choice – but she will be accountable to God for her obedience. Husbands have a great deal more responsibility than wives do. I believe that a husband’s obedience to Christ can draw his wife closer to Christ. And I believe that God can use a wife’s obedience to His Word and His power working in her to draw a disobedient husband closer to Himself (I Peter 3:1-6).

      If there is major sin, there are times when confrontation or intervention can be necessary and where separation can be necessary. I believe a wife can still operate by showing respect even in such situations, in obedience to scripture. But – there can be times when a wife has to set boundaries or say that something is not ok and is hurting her.

      I have a post at the top of my home page for abused women. I don’t write specifically for abused women, because I don’t have experience with that situation. My slant is that I was a controlling/disrespectful wife with a passive husband.

      I try to say very often that if a wife is being abused, or if there are major issues in the marriage like infidelity, addictions, physical violence, uncontrolled mental health disorders, that this blog is not a good fit for those wives and I encourage them to seek godly, wise, experienced counsel.

      I am so very sorry for what you have experienced.

      Thank you very much for sharing your comments.

      Much love to you!


  12. nacloud38
    April 19, 2015 at 9:17 am #

    My husband has a broken and contrite heart and spirit in most things theses days, however, everything I say and do irritates him. If he tells me I’m doing X and saying no, I did Y….I’m mouthing off. If I cry when he yells and curses at me for doing the small things he makes bigger than our marriage, he’s irritated. My voice irritates him. I could go on, but I really believe God is dealing with him, but I also believe that satan is, too, and he doesn’t realize it’s satan….what verses can I pray for that?


    • Sheila
      May 24, 2015 at 2:53 pm #

      This is abuse, i have suffered for 25 + years and Im broken now, don’t let it carry on, leave or make him leave if you can, until he stops it, no amount of scriptures or prayer changes it believe me and the Church
      turns its back on you


      • Peacefulwife
        May 26, 2015 at 8:35 am #


        I’m sure glad you commented on these comments today. I am so sad that I somehow missed them last month.😦

        I’m very heartbroken to hear your story.😦 It especially makes me sad to hear you say that prayer can’t change things and that your experience has been that the church has turned its back on you. I just grieve with you to hear that this has been your experience. There are certainly times when a wife may have to leave or separate from her husband. I Corinthians 7 does make provision for that, thankfully. I sure wish it was never necessary for any couple to separate – but sin, especially unrepentant sin, can take quite a toll.

        There are times when problems are so severe that women need one on one counsel with someone who is experienced in dealing with abusive husbands. And there are times it is not safe for a wife to stay.

        How are you doing in your walk with Christ, my precious sister?

        Would you want to share a bit more about your pain? I’d love to pray with you and for you.

        Much love to you!


    • Peacefulwife
      May 26, 2015 at 8:31 am #


      I am so thankful that Sheila responded to you and to Amy – because it seems that I missed your comment, too. I am so terribly sorry!

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Are you safe?

      Does he ever apologize for anything or take responsibility for things he did wrong?

      Has he always been this way since you were first married?

      How long have you been married?

      Does he claim to have a relationship with Christ?

      What do you do when he blows up at you?

      Have y’all had a biblical marriage counselor, or a godly mentoring couple?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      Does he ever do loving things?

      Are there any things you genuinely respect about him?

      Does he have any addictions to drugs/alcohol or any mental illnesses?

      I have some posts about praying for our husbands (you can search “pray husband” or “prayer husband” on my home page search bar). But – I am concerned about the dynamics you are describing. If you are willing, maybe we could talk a bit more about what is going on?

      Much love to you! I am praying for you to have sensitivity to God’s Spirit and for His healing in your marriage!


  13. Ashley
    April 20, 2015 at 8:59 pm #

    My husband is a believer. He grew up Catholic. I grew up Baptist. We are both believers in Christ. He constantly yells at our children, without first using other methods of discipline. He curses, not necessarily at me. However, his cursing is a big part of his vocabulary. I have taken the wrong approach at making him feel bad about the cursing (telling him how wrong it is, pointing out that I don’t curse, and getting angry). I would love to be able to approach him differently, but I am not sure how to stay so calm when he curses around our children. Do you have any pointers?


    • Peacefulwife
      April 21, 2015 at 10:38 am #


      The book Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas has several chapters about dealing with angry husbands that I think may be very helpful.

      When is the last time you wrongly approached him about this?

      Have you repented for the way you approached disrespectfully?

      How long has he been a believer?

      Does he have any godly male mentors?

      How old are your children?

      Would you please search my home page search bar for “father” and read the posts about respecting your husband as a father. Let me know what God is speaking to you about how to approach your husband after you read these.

      And please read and watch “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin”
      Much love to you!


  14. Amy Swindle
    April 28, 2015 at 2:09 pm #

    I really love your blog…

    My husband and I have been only 1 year and he has literally broken my heart. Down to he was smoking pot in the parking lot when I arrived at our wedding ceremony, he didn’t write any vows, he didn’t get a suit or hIrcut until the night before and since marriage I have caught him lying about porn, fb messaging other girls, lying about traveling and working with women and I find out the truth on his phone. Telling me my boobs are too small, that I am gaining weight. He doesn’t talk to me at all. I lost a baby last August and he didn’t say one word to me…. Bottom line is I hate him.

    I was saved and became a Christian a month after the wedding. He and his family are “christian” and so now everyone is looking G me like I just need to forgive and submit, and learn to shut my mouth.

    I love God and wang to obey but I have literally not eaten in 3 days because I am so k to my stomach to even think of respecting him. I don’t reapect him.

    How do I get my heart changed? How can I forgive and trust? We aren’t even friends, we have nothing in common.

    I am so sad and feel this burden too much. I know grace is given but honestly I don’t want a good marriage I want out… I don’t like him and find very little to reapect about him.

    Help I don’t want to be miserable but I can’t get my heart and mind to meet up!




    • Sheila
      May 24, 2015 at 2:59 pm #

      You dont have to stayy in this, I have ben abused for over 25 years and im broken now, leave him and tell him unless he gets help and shows significant permanent change you will divorce him, dont put yourself though the hell I have , he is abusive and has to change or lose you, or if you cant stand him after what he has done already go now and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. This is only the start , try to get a copy of Austin James book the Silent killer of marriage , he was an abuser , there may even be more subtle things you havnt recongnised as abuse, he wont change unless he sees he will lose you even then some don’t, don’t waste your life on him get a real Christian Man who will love and respect you before you get more hurt


    • Peacefulwife
      May 26, 2015 at 8:23 am #

      Amy Swindle,

      Oh goodness! I don’t see where I responded to you.😦 I try to never miss a comment. My deepest apologies!

      What you have gone through would be incredibly painful. I cannot imagine.😦

      I praise God that you have received Christ! How wonderful!

      Let me share something with you, my dear sister – you are never required by God to respect your husband’s sin. You don’t have to respect him flirting with other women, using porn, or having affairs – if he is doing that. You don’t have to respect him for saying nothing to you in your grief over your precious baby.

      If you believe that your husband is involved in infidelity or if the lying and flirting doesn’t stop and he is not repentant, there are provisions in Scripture for a wife to separate from her husband – with the goal of eventual healing, repentance, and reconciliation – if at all possible.

      You can allow God to change your heart and God can give you the power to forgive your husband – but that does not mean that you need to trust him if he is untrustworthy. The forgiveness is so that you can be right with God – not to leave your husband off the hook. If your husband does not repent and seek Christ – he will face eternal damnation for his sins in hell. God will take care of any vengeance that is due your husband on your behalf. The goal here – is to seek that God might draw your husband to Himself and that he might find Christ and become a new creation in Christ Jesus before it is too late. You cannot change your husband. But you can be the wife and woman God desires you to be.

      This is a difficult case, and I would highly suggest that you seek a godly, biblical counselor who can walk beside you on this journey in person.

      I have a number of posts about wives whose husbands are not believers – you can find them in the “categories” section on the right column of my home screen – they may be helpful. And my biggest concern is your walk with Christ. You can draw nearer to Him even if your husband doesn’t change. But you do not have to stay with your husband if you believe he is involved in infidelity.

      Surely you saw something good in him before you married him – I would assume – because you did go ahead with the wedding. What good things did you see before?

      Is he willing to go to a godly counselor with you?

      Does he claim to have a relationship with Christ?

      How have things been going the past few weeks?

      How has your walk been going with Christ?

      Where are you spiritually now?

      The hatred will have to go. It will destroy you. I have some posts about bitterness that may be helpful, that you can search on my home page.

      Much love to you! I will plan to get back with you right away when you respond this time. If you don’t hear from me, please send another comment.

      Sending the biggest hugs to you! Praying for you today, my dear sister!


  15. josie
    June 17, 2015 at 6:01 pm #

    The wisdom you share in your articles has been so helpful to me and I ‘m sure to many others as well, so thank you.

    In regards to the article above, how should we react to an apology that includes a blame? For example, my husband spoke to me in anger in front of our coworkers. It was because he asked me to give another coworker some documents and I left a couple pages behind. It was not a big deal (nothing important) but my husband got very angry at the fact that I messed up and he made it very clear to me and all. I went back to my office and after a good hour I texted him a simple text letting him know, with all due respect, that I was hurt by the way he spoke to me and I apologized for missing the papers. He replied with “its ok”. Then he sent another reply “sorry, its just I asked you to do it because I thought the girls (his admin) would mess up. ”

    So in a way, I see that he apologized, but it seems off. I’m already hard on myself as it is and I feel horrible that I messed up. This happens often though and I would just like some advice on how to respond to such apologies…

    Like I said it happens often. Any little mistake I make he is very quick to rub it in my face and has no compassion. I usually just stay silent otherwise I’d breakdown in tears. I’m just a soft person like that. I do show him compassion and grace in his shortcomings by the way.


    • Peacefulwife
      June 17, 2015 at 7:59 pm #


      It is wonderful to meet you! I wish I could give you a BIG hug right now!

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Does he attempt to apologize in non-verbal ways – by showing a kind or generous gesture, by chance?


  16. humbledbeloved
    August 10, 2015 at 9:05 pm #

    Peacefulwife, I really appreciate your posts and this one was very helpful. I am very newly married and have been wrestling with a lot of different things since marriage, trying to do my best to respond respectfully, learn from my mistakes and learn how to communicate well with my husband, but it has been tough! One thing I would love your insight on, is hurt from a husband that seems to put his parent’s very very high in his life. I have expressed my hurt from feeling less than his parents or that he hasn’t made us “one” and keeps himself in his “old” family, but he doesn’t truly get it. I continually feel hurt when I think he is focused on his parents way more than me. I have prayed about it a lot, and possibly thinking of bring another couple in to talk about it, but I thought I would get your perspective. Thank you for considering responding to me!


    • Peacefulwife
      August 10, 2015 at 9:15 pm #


      I definitely understand the frustration you are having! I felt my in-laws were too involved when we first got married. Looking back, I actually see that they were acting in love and trying to help us. But at the time, I felt smothered and reacted very disrespectfully to them and to Greg.😦 I kept pounding that verse about a man is supposed to leave his father and mother and cleave too his wife at Greg. With what I know now, 21 years later – I wish that I had respectfully shared my concerns, and then responded with kindness, respect, honor, and grace to Greg and his parents. God could have changed Greg’s heart if that was necessary. Or – God could have changed my heart. And I wouldn’t have created a massive cesspool of bitterness, disrespect, control, pride, self-righteousness, resentment, and unforgiveness between myself, God, Greg, and his parents.😦 I went on and on with very sinful motives and my wrong thoughts and bitterness actually did a lot more damage to our marriage than Greg’s relationship with his parents or the help they offered us.

      How long have you been married, my sweet sister?

      How much time is he spending with them? Or why do you believe they are too high of a priority?

      How do you respond when you feel so hurt?

      I’d love to chat back and forth about this and offer any insights I might be able to.:)

      Much love! AND the BIGGEST hug!


      • humbledbeloved
        August 10, 2015 at 10:08 pm #

        Thank you for that insight. I know it’s always right to choose to respond lovingly and gently, its just so hard to do! I have been married 10 months now. It actually isn’t always how much time he/we spend with them, it’s his comments or stories he tells about them with me or if i’m listening as he talks to other people. Often, he will also say, maybe next time we can invite my parents to do this, etc. So that makes me feel like he is always thinking of his parents and when he can invite them on things we do. His mother is also a very very godly woman, who respects and honors her husband extremely, would do anything for anyone and would do absolutely anything for her son. That brings about another frustrating, hurtful issue to me, as I feel as though I will never measure up to her and my husband will forever see her as this amazing Godly woman who can do no wrong. I hope all of that made sense! I typically respond very short and often frustrated. A couple of times that I have expressed my hurt about feeling like his parents were being put first(He also uses them as advice givers, everything goes through them to see if it is wise or not, even big decisions we need to make) but he didn’t see my side and said that I was being unhealthy because he believes we should always use our parents as wise people in our life and have them help us not make mistakes etc…

        Thank you again for your time!


        • Peacefulwife
          August 11, 2015 at 8:13 am #


          As you focus on your walk with Christ and growing spiritually yourself, God can and will empower you to respond with gentleness, respect, kindness, and grace. And – as you focus on treating your husband with respect and honor, building him up, and affirming him – he may discover that he is able to make decisions on his own as he grows in confidence in his decision-making abilities.

          No need to compare yourself to your MIL. Perhaps you could learn from her beautiful example.

          He is not wrong to turn to them for wisdom and advice. You are not wrong to want to make decisions on your own as a couple. You have different perspectives. I vote to pray and let God move on your husband’s heart about how to best make decisions. You can respectfully share your concerns – probably just once about an issue. Then pray for God to work.

          ie: “Honey, I am so glad that you have such godly, wise parents to go to for advice. They do have a lot of wisdom to share. I actually believe that you are a very capable, wise leader and I trust you to be able to make great decisions as you seek God’s wisdom. I’m so happy that I get to be your wife.”

          If you continue to make it “you against his parents” – you can create a large wedge between yourself and your husband and create the very thing you most fear. If you can be on your husband’s team and appreciate his parents’ wisdom and influence – and pray for God to teach and train your husband in godly leadership, and support his leadership style even if he doesn’t do things the way you would do them – I think you may have a healthier marriage and spiritual life yourself.

          They do not have to be the enemy. Y’all are actually on the same team. But you do have a real enemy who is delighted over this tension, division, and strife and who would like to exploit it and keep you in a state of resentment and bitterness.

          Instead of resenting them, become the wife God calls you to be. Support, encourage, bless, honor, respect, and affirm your wonderful husband. Pray for God to work out the dynamics to be the most healthy way for all of you. Allow this trial to let God skim the sin off of the top of your life and to refine you and mature you in your faith.

          When you are feeling resentful, take it to God and repent. And then study about being a godly wife, godly femininity, and about how to grow closer to Him.

          Yesterday’s post may also be a blessing.

          Much love to you!

          Liked by 1 person

          • humbledbeloved
            August 11, 2015 at 5:31 pm #

            Peaceful wife, I can’t say thank you enough for your wisdom on all this. It really helps me to process things by writing them out and talking about them and to have someone like you speak distinct, honest truth is really helpful. I will definitely refer to your replies as reminders and especially to refocus back on Jesus.
            Again, thank you so much!


            • Peacefulwife
              August 11, 2015 at 5:40 pm #


              You are most welcome! How I wish someone had been able to speak these things to me with love 21 years ago before I made some really awful decisions!

              Much love to you! May God be greatly exalted!


              • humbledbeloved
                August 11, 2015 at 8:13 pm #

                Peaceful wife, definitely! I would love to learn as much as I can before I make bad decisions! Thank you again!


  17. Patrick
    September 5, 2015 at 11:35 am #

    I wish my wife would do any of these, lol! I was wondering if you had a example of how we, as husbands, should approach our wife in this same loving way.

    We have some disagreements with her kids from a previous marriage, so much so that i moved out because of her allowing them to have sex, drink, drugs, be disrespectful, have kids out of wedlock, allow girlfriends to move in, etc. And this is only after two years of marriage….ugh. so much for the woman who says she always does what God says in the bible.

    So I didn’t tell you that for sympathy, or to vent. How would I have approached any one of those issues in a Christ like way, when her response is always “we agreed: You handle your daughter, and I’ll handle my sons.”




    • Peacefulwife
      September 5, 2015 at 12:59 pm #


      It is great to meet you, my brother!

      Was that the agreement before marriage?

      Second marriages are so tough – especially when there are children from previous relationships/marriages. Often, the spouses will put their children from before ahead of the new marriage – which is not a recipe for a healthy marriage.

      She is a believer?

      I don’t believe that Jesus would wink at or permit sin to continue on and on. He always confronted sin in love. It is not a gift to our children to permit them to live a destructive, sinful lifestyle. Proverbs says that if parents don’t discipline their children, they are willing parties to their deaths.

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for God to open your wife’s eyes to what is really happening and what He desires her to do.


  18. Melissa
    November 9, 2015 at 10:06 am #

    I am a Christian my husband is not, he just came out off the military after 22 years active duty, he has every know issue that someone with that much experience is gonna have after a while, dealing with it has hurt me so much ! He has outbursts of anger, he has rejected my oldest daughter (his step daughter) he’s cheated on me, he’s shut himself out from my family, as a mother I want to hurt him because of his out bursts about my daughter but as a Godly wife I am being quit, patient, praying and waiting on the Lord to heal him and break every stronghold Satan has on him, but when is enough enough ? I am struggling some days that I just want to yell at him but he has mental issues (ptsd) and I learned in the recent past that there is literally NO reasoning with him, he thinks there is nothing wrong with himself and he likes the way he is, I have gotten past the emotional abuse he has put me thru but this is another level and I need advise



    • Peacefulwife
      November 9, 2015 at 1:57 pm #


      Oh, goodness.😦 Such a painful situation.😦 My heart breaks for all of you.

      Do you have any support with handling the PTSD, a military wives’ support group or anything? Does he have a counselor? Do you have a godly mentor/counselor?

      There can be a point at which it is time to leave. That is something to prayerfully consider between yourself and God. How is your walk with Christ going?

      Should I Stay or Should I Go?

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for His healing for you, your daughter, and your husband.


  19. Godsaveme
    November 20, 2015 at 10:50 am #

    Hi, I am married 9 years now. God blessed us with a beautiful daughter who is 7 now. Our marriage was always a struggle. He himself came from a broken family and being the eldest he has to bear all responsibility of his mother/brother and sister. SO when he married me he actually wanted me to share his responsibilities. I think i took it as a loving gesture and helped him throughout. He wanted me to earn,,,,,earn more,,,,,study more to earn more,,,,,He didn’t want to have more children because he wanted his sibling to get married,,,,,then his mother’s health,,,,,then his brother’s visa,,,,,and so on.

    When his mother got immigration, his sister got married and had children,,,,his brother got immigration,,,,got married,,,had child,,,,,i thought may be now it’s my turn to get reward of my patience and hard work. But instead he started saying he doesn’t love me,,,,he used to make hateful comments about me and my parents. Things got escalated when he disrespected me in front of my parents and even with them.

    Then his brother and uncle came and they both lashed out at me in anger and said they will make my life hell. I called the police and left home. I bought myself a small 2 bed house. 3 weeks later my husband came to visit our daughter and apologized and said he is ready for counselling. We only went for counselling to a pastor for 3 weeks and because he doesn’t want to change and nor want to hear that he should change,,,,,he started criticizing the pastor. Now its almost 3 months and we had no physical relation,,,, no compassion,,,,,nothing.

    A girl called me 2 weeks earlier saying stop your husband from contacting my sister when i asked my husband he said we are only good friends but if you say i wont speak to her. There was no cheating, she took it wrong.

    Two strangers living in the same house where i am bearing all costs as this house belongs to me. I dont want a divorce. But how can i live with a person who doesn’t love me.


    • Peacefulwife
      November 20, 2015 at 12:24 pm #


      It is very difficult to build a godly marriage when one or both spouses had a very dysfunctional example.😦 So heartbreaking!

      What does the pastor say to you, my dear sister?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Sometimes, if there is severe sin going on – separation can be necessary. That does’t mean you would have to get a divorce. You could separate until he is willing to repent if he is truly involved in adultery or some major unrepentant sin/addiction/abuse.

      I don’t know what God may desire you to do. But here is a post with some questions to prayerfully consider.

      Sending you the biggest hug!!!!

      What do you believe God desires you to do?

      Much love,


  20. arlene spittler
    December 24, 2015 at 12:54 pm #

    I am hurting, and my husband keeps taking from me and giving to his ex-wife and daughter. He moved out, because he said that he is giving his ex-wife 1,800 of our income tax, and i said why did you make this agreement without talking to me, and he said, its my money, and i can do whatever i want. Once again he moved out, but he says that he love me sometime, and always puts his daughter before God and i. He lets me know after he does whatever he wants with his ex-wife, and his daughter. I feel used, and a victom that he wants to take the house that God picked and gave me. I have why questions to ask you. Why does my husband does not share with me his weekly check and bank account? He knows mine. Why does he not share his desission about his ex-wife, and daughter? I do not have that problem with my ex-husband. Why does he idolize his daughter and ex-wife, and takes from me to give to them even when we have no food to eat. I dont idolize my children. I love my God, and seek his face about all things. Why does my husband think that is okay not to work 40hrs per week to provide for his wife, but gives to his 16yr daughter our money for food, and bills, and expect for me to pay all the bills? Who does such things, and believe that is right? Why does he believe in his decieving daughter, and manipulating ex-wife that is causing so much pain to me? Why did he call the ploice to my house, because i disagree giving his Ex-wife $1,800 , when she is not his wife? God sent a godly officer to this call and said to him that he is wrong, and that under God, i am next not his daughter or his ex-wife. Then my husband moved out, but wants us to stay married. Who does that? I believe that he has soul ties, and he is not lined up with God’s word in his part of a husband. We have been married 1yr and 6 months, but he’s been at home first 11 months, then i told him to leave, because his daugjter was out of control, and strive open the door to all evil, i rather problem solve, but he said that my daughter and i are the problem. Then i went for counseling with my pastor to see if we can reconsile our marriage and he said yes, but nothing has changed. He came back home 6 months later and told me it was to get income tax. Who does that? Then he moved out in one month, because i said to him that i dont mind you giving money for your daughter now that she is living with your ex-wife although you still have custody as long as you keep your word of $1,500, not her manipulating you for $1,800 for when you dont work 5-6 months out of the year, but write a letter stating that, and the $100 cash you give your daughter twice a month for her spending. Also add the $80 child support you give back to her. Evety two weeks for her paying you child support just to protect your self. He said to me, No! You are not going to control me like she did. Then the office said to him to go for a walk and talk about this tommorrow and i said i need to go for a drive. When i came home he pack his few things and said his co-worker is coming to pick him up. Who does that? No communication! But that same night he text me to say he miss me. Who does that? He is 59yrs old. I pray for God to guide me in this marriage, and strengthen me through his word. God have mercy on me, may your grace abound in our marriage. I pray Father, in Jesus Christ.Amen. I would appreciate any help! I am so hurt by his actions, words, and choices…Jesus is in control always even when i am hurting so much. Thank you.


    • Peacefulwife
      December 26, 2015 at 8:30 am #


      I hope to get to respond in the next few days, my precious sister. Please hang on! I am praying for you.:)


    • Peacefulwife
      December 26, 2015 at 2:27 pm #


      Goodness, what a messy, painful, icky situation.😦 I wish I could hug your neck!

      Marriage is hard. It brings all of our sins (husbands and wives) to the surface and our insecurities and wrong ways of thinking. It forces us to have to face our true selves. But a second marriage is even more challenging. There are so many other dynamics and so much baggage that is brought into the relationship – particularly when there is still a living ex-spouse and there are children from the first marriage. The priorities and loyalty that are supposed to be present in marriage often seem to get divided.

      Marriage is supposed to come before children. God first, then our spouse, then our children. In a remarriage, people tend to feel guilty about what their children have suffered already with a divorce and often put the children above the new spouse. This, of course, creates a lot of jealousy and contempt and tension. Alimony and child support for the first wife take from the second wife, too, creating extra financial strain. It is not an ideal situation.

      I don’t know your husband or his motives. I don’t know his heart. When you say you have no food to eat, do you literally mean that you and your daughter end up going without food and missing meals?

      I’m sure your husband does have soul ties to his first wife. That is what marriage is supposed to do, create soul ties. And it is supposed to last a lifetime.

      From everything I have learned about men in the past 7 years, I also believe that men REALLY hate being told what to do – so I’m not sure that attempting to tell him how to handle the money (dictating to him what he should do) is going to work. If you want to influence him, he will need to feel respected by you in order to care about what you care about. Does that make sense? You can ask for what you need respectfully – but you’ll want to avoid telling him what to do.

      God can bring healing to your soul and to this situation! You and your husband are not beyond His reach – thankfully!

      Did you go to counseling? What did the pastor suggest for you to do?

      What relationship does your husband have with Christ?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Much love to you, my dear sister! I will do my best to point you to Christ. He alone has the wisdom and answers and healing you need.


  21. TiredofTrying
    January 1, 2016 at 3:16 am #

    I hate my husband. He has been addicted to pornography for at least 11 years…that I know of…of our 15 years of marriage. He has had at least 3 emotional affairs. One of them almost ended my marriage. I am still skeptical of his claims that nothing happened. He is lying and telling a former boss to send him messages on Facebook so that I won’t see them and get mad. I have not helped the situation because I am angry, hurt, and humiliated. He just keeps saying that God is going to deliver him in His own time and not mine. We have tried counseling and the counselor ended the sessions because we were not having any progress. I want to leave…but the children. I’m exhausted. We are both Christians and I’m trying to follow Christ.


    • Peacefulwife
      January 1, 2016 at 10:04 pm #


      How my heart breaks for you, my precious sister! Such a painful situation.

      I invite you to search my home page for “porn” for some posts about this difficult issue.

      Would you like to talk about your walk with Christ and how you can find healing regardless of what he is or is not doing?

      Much love to you and happy new year!


  22. Nurse0808
    January 4, 2016 at 4:46 pm #

    I have been married for 7 yrs. We moved 600 miles from his family to be closer to mine, that includes his kids. I could tell he was getting more and more depressed being away from his kids. He started drinking, not coming home at night and losing several jobs. But in April he leaves to go to work and then calls me a couple hours later and says that he is on his way back to his hometown. I could come if I wanted to.

    I pondered over this for several months, I have a daughter that is a sophomore in high school, and she did not want to move. I made several trips there and was trying to talk my daughter in to moving. I finally did and told my husband the day I would be there. His sister had a party on November 14, I tried calling him several times and he never answered. The next day he answered and said he just didn’t want to deal with anything right then. So days go by and our conversation got shorter and shorter. Then one day after checking phone records I find that he had been seeing a girl since that evening, which I also find out that she is married /separated as well.

    So 2 weeks before I’m supposed to move there he tells me never mind, for me not to come. Cuz i waited too long. I have tried to call him, he changed his number and will not talk to me at all. He recently sent me a message about a check we receive monthly. After calling and checking the messages from his old phone it is that girl telling him she loves him. I texted him and asked if he loved her, and how he could fall in love with someone in a month’s time. He still never answered me.

    I am so heart broke, my daughter is devastated and i have no idea what to do. I pray often and I’ve gotten a few books to read. I have asked him to go back to church with me and still nothing.


    • Peacefulwife
      January 5, 2016 at 9:50 am #


      Oh yuck!!!!!😦 What a painful mess!

      I am glad you didn’t go at this point. Maybe you can focus on your walk with Christ and on finding healing and strength in Christ and healing for your daughter and we will pray for God to bring your husband to conviction and godly sorrow and repentance.

      If he isn’t willing to speak with you – I would love for you to find a godly counselor and some strong prayer partners to surround you with love and prayer and support. I pray for God’s wisdom about what you should do next.

      I’m not sure that continuing to try to contact him at this point will be very effective. It sounds like he has shut you out of his heart at this time. But God can convict him. That is my prayer.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Are you interested in a FB prayer group to support you?

      Much love!


      • Kerri
        January 5, 2016 at 12:39 pm #

        My walk with Christ is getting easier. Thats another thing we, me and my husband started together. Then we both left him, Christ. I believe in everything about him. I question Him alot. And im trying to get to the faith and the guidance that I kno He has for me. It’s hard on not going to lie. I have now came to the point let go, and let God. I kno everything happens for a reason. And since I can’t just give a reason. I’m leaning towards He done this to get me closer to Him. And for my husband too. I kno that the grass is not greener in other pastures and my prayer is for my husband to realize that. And i kno that this won’t happen in my time and I cant force it. I was invited to a yes Lord girls Bible study this past weekend and I could not draw myself out of bed to get there. I will try again next week.


  23. Geselle
    January 6, 2016 at 10:41 am #

    Peacefulwife, I would like to say this just saved me so many tears and a few days of arguments with my husband. I needed to revive my knowledge of marriage from a biblical standpoint and get a grip on the “real” issue at hand. The day to day of marriage is not easy and you described the steps to keep it smooth on the wife’s part vwry eloquently. Thank you for the impartation of your wisdom. Please continue to share! Thanks!


    • Peacefulwife
      January 7, 2016 at 7:58 am #


      You are most welcome. I sure wish I had understood these things when we first got married. I didn’t. And ended up crying many tears and making both myself and my husband very miserable and hurt.

      You may also want to search my home page for:

      – confront
      – conflict

      Much love to you!:)


  24. Kathy
    January 29, 2016 at 10:44 pm #

    I think expressing sadness versus anger sounds more productive and wise regarding a wife’s response to being hurt by her husband. But I believe this can only work in the long run if the husband behaves likewise. I say say this because if you read the total chapter entirely regarding submission, the husband and wife are to submit Equally to one another.


    • Peacefulwife
      January 30, 2016 at 9:24 am #

      Kathy Ker,

      Anger is a secondary emotion, generally produced because of hurt or fear. It is probably easier for husbands and wives to hear what is behind the anger than to hear anger. Sometimes it is very difficult for others to properly interpret the pain or issues that triggered anger. And anger can be very intimidating. It is easier to foster intimacy when we share the deep issues of our heart calmly and gently and vulnerably. It would be great for husbands and wives to do this.:) I only write for wives, so I don’t do a lot of talking about what husbands should do. But there are countless Scriptures that apply to men and women in how beleivers are to relate to others.

      Many people today build marriage in Ephesians 5:21. The first part of Ephesians 5 is directed to the church. Directions for marriage begin in verse 22. It is popular now for people to assume that verse 21 is about marriage and to ignore the rest of the chapter which really is specifically about marriage.

      In the Body of Christ and in marriage, each person is to have be selfless and to put others above them. But God did give an authority structure in the church and in marriage. While a pastor might submit to his congregation in some ways – about music preferences or the color of the carpet or what time the service should be, for example – he is responsible to teach, preach, and train the congregation as a leader in ways that the congregation is not responsible to him. The congregation is responsible to honor the pastor as a God-given authority in ways that the pastor does not honor the congregation as leader. If the pastor sins or tries to lead the people into sin, then they are not to follow him.

      In marriage, a husband is to sacrifice himself as Christ did for the church. Jesus submitted to God not to the church. But He loved the church and gave His life for her. A husband can submit to his wife in certain ways – selflessly seeking to honor her. But ultimately,he is responsible before God to lead the family and is accountable to God for his leadership in ways that the wife is not. And ultimately, the wife is responsible to honor the husband’s God-given position of authority in ways the husband is not.

      We have equal value as men do and we are joint heirs with Christ. But we do have different roles in marriage so that the husband is to portray Christ’s unconditional love and sacrifice and leadership, and the wife is to portray the respect and biblical submission of the church for Christ so that the Gospel will not be maligned (Titus 2:5).

      For more on this very misunderstood teaching, please search my home page for:
      – spiritual authority
      – a husband’s and a wife’s authority in marriage
      – biblical submission

      Much love to you!


  25. Terri
    February 26, 2016 at 7:22 pm #

    I am trying really hard to implement this. I’ve read many books, blogs, webcasts and all say the same thing.
    My husband has caused me to doubt my trust in him and since that time he’s been telling me that it’s all in my head.
    Maybe that’s the case. I can’t shake it.
    I am really struggling with times when I get really anxious about where he is or what he’s doing and all of this information that I have read that’s in my heart, in my mind, I KNOW IT TO BE SO IN MY SOUL goes out the window. My accusations are now hurting my marriage and I’m not sure how to make it stop. He feels that I’m calling him a liar every time I do this and I don’t want to be that person who’s attacking him whenever I start to feel insecure about us.
    How do I implement being a Godly wife even when my anxiety starts to go crazy?


    • Peacefulwife
      February 26, 2016 at 10:43 pm #


      It’s wonderful to meet you! First, I think it is important for me to understand what is really going on. Has your husband broken trust with you? If he has seriously been involved in unrepentant sin – you may not be able to trust him again until he is willing to rebuild trust. How long ago was the situation that caused the doubt?

      Has he rebuilt trust? Do you believe he is trustworthy now?

      Are y’all dealing with any mental illness, active addictions, unrepentant infidelity, or abuse?

      How is your walk with Christ?

      How is his walk with Christ?

      Much love to you!!! I am praying for healing for you both!


  26. Betty
    March 4, 2016 at 10:13 pm #

    wow thank you so much..what you say is true may God give me the strength to practice it.


    • Peacefulwife
      March 5, 2016 at 7:40 am #

      You are most welcome, let me know if you need to talk more. Much love to you! Praying for God’s power for you to become more and more the woman He calls you to be.:)


  27. Roseey
    March 22, 2016 at 3:36 pm #

    I wanted to say your blog is soo biblical and soo true. I am a young wife. Only just turned 29. Its been 4 years since I became born again. I am still learning this. Yes, I have dug through the Bible front to back already and very knowledgeable in His Word even for my youth in the faith. You are right, I am the wife that when my husband scolds me I retaliate with anger from the hurt. My husband has anger issues and he tends to say the meanest things for the littlest reasons. But recently, I come to realize while listening to a sermon online about the sin of the tongue…!! I realized even though I am saved, I do serve God, preach His word to other women, etc etc…if I don’t learn self control and to allow the Holy Spirit to tame my tongue…my religion is meaningless. I finally just prayed out loud… “Jesus, take over my tongue. My anger and bitterness. I want to be like You when they was spitting, mocking and cursing you who is blameless. You held Your peace, you did not sin! Your eyes was upon God only. From here on out…Satan will no longer win, he can no longer take over my tongue. From here on out, the blood of Jesus has washed my tongue clean and all rights now goes to the Holy Spirit of God!!!! I dont want to be like this anymore, I don’t want to be weak and selfish anymore. I want my eyes on the cross, especially through trials and suffering. Be gone Satan!!! In the name of Jesus of Nazareth! you will no longer toy with my marriage, my heart and especially my tongue. I will fight with the Word of God…for God said if we do not tame our tongue, then our religion is meaningless. And my religion will not be meaningless…!! It will stand for Christ alone.” After that prayer out loud in my car…it was like this complete peace, this renewing of my mind. I just didn’t feel any bitterness or easily angered/hurt? Of course Satan quickly tested me out….I was napping after 12 hours of work, and my husband woke me up yelling….! He was upset about something I didn’t do. He knew I just got home and been working overtime at the hospital, but he was angry again…. and guess what? I felt nothing???!!! And when I say nothing…I felt peace and no retaliation. Before I would have yelled back and said what is ur problem? Leave me alone you bipolar freak. I just got home, I need to sleep. Crazy?! But this time I just laid there, let him yell and throw tantrums saying mean things blah blah blah. And after he was done and walked away, I went right back to sleep. And now I still feel nothing. As to before I would be holding a grudge and wishing he would just disappear. He gave his life to Christ recently too. After many prayers for him. He repented and started reading Bible. But he has demons that he has yet to fully deal with and every now and then he snaps. But he has changed a lot by the grace of God. But I notice he snaps usually when his eyes are off Christ. He is a babe in Christ so I don’t hold it against him. I feel soo free, reading your blog its like so real in my life right now! I feel like I am no longer bounded by the handcuffs of : anger, bitterness, grudge, hate towards my husbands unloving ways towards me anymore. Its like when I recognized it, repented and prayed that out loud…it was like Jesus got the keys and took off the handcuffs…!!!!!!! I am crying as I type this..! Now im washing clothes, spending time with kids…about to open my Bible right now and meditate on all the verses about self control and taming our tongue for Gods glory. And I feel happy even though an hour ago I just got scolded and mocked by my husband for something I didnt do. I am no longer controlled by my circumstances, instead I am now controlled by the Holy Spirit of God as it SHOULD BE. I just needed to allow it to guide me..!! he is good husband, works hard and treats kids like princesses. His demons just takes a hold of him at times and I pray for his full deliverance..!!! He quit smoking, drinking and partying all for our family. He works and serves in church. But this one thing he struggles with. But I have faith that like how God showed me…He will do the same for my husband one day. God showed me my errors, and then He delivered me from it. All wives if you take time to read this.. its sooooo freeing..!!! Mentally, spiritually everything! I ask you to please try it and allow God to take over. Fight for righteousness, fight for peace!!!! Don’t let the devil win your tongue, ur heart. He has won tooo many times already in the past, starting today fight back and say NO!!!! The Word of God says this…I will do as God says. Be gone Satan! Fight the real enemy here…!!!!! Not ur husband, satan is the real enemy. God is so good, so all knowing. Oh Lord, forgive me for being niave, for not allowing You to take over my tongue a long time ago.! Forgive me and give me grace to continue on…!!!


    • Peacefulwife
      March 22, 2016 at 10:21 pm #



      How I praise God for what He is doing in you!!!!! I wonder if you might prayerfully consider allowing me to share this (after removing some identifying details) as an anonymous post? I believe God may desire to use your story and His power in your life to bles many other marriages.

      No pressure!!!:) if you don’t want me to share as a post, that is fine. It is such a blessing to hear all that God is doing.

      I pray for God’s continued good work in you and your husband for His glory! So thankful He will complete the work He has begun in us. I am thrilled He has been drawing you both to Himself!

      What a joy it is to hear from you, my precious sister!

      Much love!


      • Roseey
        March 23, 2016 at 3:10 am #

        Of course you can. Your message helped confirm to me this message God instilled in me. So it would be a blessing to share with everyone. God bless..!
        Ps…. to all the women who feel that its hopeless (except for physical and dangerous abuse of course)- I am talking about minor disagreements….she said he said. I dont like the way he did this, he don’t like the way I did this kind of stuff. Always butting heads and putting each other down for it stuff. There is hope, but first thing you gotta do is give your mind, body and tongue over to God and don’t let satan toy with it anymore. Once you do, He will change you. The self control will be so powerful it will be like you don’t even understand yourself what is going on within you. But you know its gotta be God…!!!!! That is what happens when you let God drive the wheels. Women, the retaliation will be gone. You know why? Because your self worth will be found in the cross and NOT your husbands words or actions towards you anymore. You become a person who feels love and peace when others bash at you instead. Like Jesus said on the cross…”Father forgive them, for they know not what they are doing” His heart will become yours as well….. (tears…)


        • Peacefulwife
          March 23, 2016 at 6:44 pm #


          And I want to share this part too!!!! WOW!

          What God is showing you and doing in your heart is SO AMAZING! How I praise God for His power and His abundant life!

          I hope to get to share next month, my dear sister. Please feel free to share any time.

          Much love to you!


    • Betty
      April 12, 2016 at 7:14 am #

      Wow we give glory to God , may he strengthen you and deliver your husband completely. God bless you family


      • Roseey
        April 13, 2016 at 2:54 pm #

        Thank you for the encouragement. YES, please pray with me for my husbands full deliverance. Right now he is a babe in Christ and his faith is like the waves to and fro. Pray that he Finishes reading the Whole Bible which is so necessary for true spiritual growth!


  28. Suzie
    March 23, 2016 at 6:21 am #

    I am just going to toss in that a man “feeling” disrespected and a woman “feeling” unloved does not necessarily mean that the other person did anything wrong. Sometimes our emotions take hold of something totally unrelated to us and decide that we should be hurt or angry about it. Our emotions can be very deceptive and find trouble where there is none. When people explode over something they “feel” they can do serious damage because of something that they totally imagined. My husband could make the fact that a baby was crying a sign of disrespect for him. I am just saying we need to be careful about telling people they are always responsible for how someone else feels.


    • Peacefulwife
      March 23, 2016 at 6:59 am #


      I completely agree with you – that sometimes people perceive things that are inaccurate. It is never my desire to communicate that we are responsible for others’ feelings. In fact, I have a number of posts about the reverse – that we are not responsible FOR other people, their emotions, their responses, their sins, their motives, their behavior… We are responsible for ourselves and we are responsible to love, honor, and obey God and to love and seek to bless others (the 2 greatest commandments Christ gave). But there are times when others may be upset that we truly didn’t do anything wrong. This requires the discernment of the Holy Spirit many times for us to be able to see where our responsibility ends.

      We are responsible on our end to treat others with love and respect. But the ultimate goal is not to please people or have their approval, but to please Christ and have His approval.

      Great point! I also talk often about that we are each responsible not to respond in sin to others, but we are responsible to respond in the power of the Holy Spirit and His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). God never gives us a “free pass” to sin even if we truly are being sinned against. We are responsible to love all other people with the love of Christ:

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

      But we are not responsible for the way others respond.

      For anyone who wants to read more about this issue, please check out these posts:

      Am I Responsible for My Spouse’s Happiness?
      Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Relationships
      I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
      I Am Responsible for My Emotions
      Where Do Hatred, Rage, and Violence Fit into Our Lives?
      The Surprising Root of All Marriage Problems
      25 Ways to Respect Myself

      Some other good key words to search:

      – idol/idolatry
      – control
      – emotions
      – feelings
      – PMS
      – bitterness
      – fear
      – needy and clingy
      – unloved

      Thank you very much for this point. I will be sure to put a clarifying comment on the post about this. I don’t want any confusion on this important issue!

      Much love!


  29. Tina
    March 31, 2016 at 4:18 pm #

    That’s how women end up dead!!!


    • Peacefulwife
      March 31, 2016 at 7:45 pm #


      I am not talking about severe issues in this post, that is why I had the note for women whose husbands are mentally unstable, or who are truly abusive, or who are involved in unrepentant sin, or active drug/alcohol addictions to seek one on one godly counsel. There are times it is not safe to stay and a wife may have to leave until a husband is willing to repent and change or get the help he needs.

      For further info and resources, please search my home page for “abuse.”

      For wives whose husbands are emotionally abusive, check out http://www.leslievernick.com. And for those whose husbands are physically abusive, please contact http://www.thehotline.org on a safe computer that he is not monitoring and try to get somewhere safe as soon as you are able to.

      Much love to you!


  30. Jamie
    April 2, 2016 at 12:33 pm #

    Thank you for this! I feel very encouraged, and already saw a little bit resolved between my husband and me. I’ve seen God save our marriage through some extremely hard times – and it’s so rewarding to see that He can make all things new. And years later, after some of the more major trials, we still have some serious hurts happening at times. I tend to feel like it’s mostly him, but when I really analyze it I see that I have made him feel unloved as well (though I tend to be more passive while he has more of an aggressive personality). So, we still struggle. And sometimes things feel impossible. But God continues to work in our marriage, and I continue to try to change myself… and then I see God bless us and my husband’s leadership and growth.


    • Peacefulwife
      April 2, 2016 at 1:20 pm #


      I love that you are seeking God and that you desire to honor and please Him above all else. I love that you are willing to look at yourself as Jesus instructs us to (Matthew 7:1-5) and focus on allowing Him to change you. So thankful that you are seeing growth and healing in your marriage and in your life.:) Praising God with you!


  31. michelle
    April 5, 2016 at 4:08 am #

    Marriage can either build or destroy you depending on the type of relationship you have with your spouse.


  32. Online Christian Magazines
    April 8, 2016 at 3:16 am #

    Women in the question need to seek help from someone. Check your phone number list, their must be some toll free numbers, where you can call and take help. God will be sending someone to help you. Trust him.


  33. Peacefulwife
    May 5, 2016 at 1:41 pm #

    My deepest apologies!

    I am not able to do private email consultations due to time constraints. With 200-300+ comments per week on this blog alone, it is often all I can do just to respond to all of the comments on my sites.

    I try to be as available as I can be on my two blogs, my Youtube channel, and my two FB pages. I realize that some people need completely private counseling. A blog is not going to be the best place for this, unfortunately. I try to do my best at keeping information as private as possible while corresponding on the blog. I want to respect people’s needs and try to minister – which can be a difficult balance with the limitations I face in a public arena like a blog.

    It is never my goal to violate anyone’s privacy or to hurt anyone. I long to help. Sometimes I will try to let a commenter’s comments stay private and I will try to respond to them on the blog. But it is possible that a commenter and I may unknowingly have different expectations of exactly what things are okay for me to mention (our definition of “general” things) and what things are details that should not be mentioned.😦

    I will be praying some more over this issue for God’s wisdom. I don’t want to ever make someone feel that I shared something that they didn’t want shared on the blog. The thought of hurting someone this way completely breaks my heart.

    If anyone needs completely private counseling, please contact http://www.focusonthefamily.org. They have a free counseling service that is totally private. Or please contact a trusted Christian counselor who can meet with you one-on-one in person.


  34. Megan
    May 14, 2016 at 8:16 pm #

    Thanks for perpetuating domestic violence. Good job making women feel like it is their fault, that their abusers well somehow change. This is disgusting, idiotic, and dangerous advice. This website should be shut down. You’re a demented, sick person pushing unhealthy warped views on innocent women looking for real answers.


    • Peacefulwife
      May 14, 2016 at 10:55 pm #


      It’s great to meet you. I’m really sad that you have misheard my heart so terribly, though. You are hearing the total opposite of my message somehow.😦

      Makes me kind of wonder if possibly you have been abused in the past and have a lot of wounds and scars? I sure hope not. But my heart sure breaks for you if that is what has happened.

      Since you somehow thought you hear me condoning abuse – thank you for reaching out to try to help other women. Thank you for your heart for women and for wanting them to be safe. I want everyone to be safe, too! I don’t EVER agree with abuse or domestic violence against any man, woman, or child. God hates violence. I think you and I agree on this point.

      Abuse is never ok. I totally agree. I have mentioned that in this post – not sure how it was missed – but here are some posts (linked at the bottom of this comment) with more detail and with links for women to contact to get help if they are being mistreated and abused. I share this extremely important concern and NEVER want anyone to be abused in any way – spiritually, emotionally, or physically!

      This post is about just normal stuff – misunderstandings and arguments – not about domestic violence or emotionally abusive relationships. I don’t want to see husbands or wives being hateful, yelling, screaming, calling each other names, threatening divorce, being rude, unkind, unloving, disrespectful, bitter, unforgiving, or sinful in any way against each other. Those things grieve God’s heart and they grieve my heart. God calls us ALL – men and women – to love with His love and to treat others well. He also calls each of us to be responsible for any sin in our own lives. We don’t control others. But we can control ourselves. Even if we are being wronged, we don’t have to respond with sin in return. There are times we may need to leave or set healthy boundaries – but we can overcome evil with good (Romans 12) as we allow God’s Spirit to empower us.

      Do I Condone Abuse?
      Prayer for Victims of Abuse
      Do Rage, Sinful Anger, or Violence Have a Place in Our Lives as Believers in Christ?

      Help for women suffering from abuse:


      For emotionally abusive relationships:



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