When She Surrendered (by my husband!)

By Greg (Please click here to find out why my blog is called The Respected Husband)

I  have a secret…..One that you might find hard to believe. I know that you have read the Peacefulwife’s Blog and contemplated her posts about Christian submission, love and respect in marriage, and modesty, but I know you have wondered what kind of whip must I be using to get her to do these things? I must have some pretty major dirt on the Peacefulwife to get her to do these things. People that know me are probably saying, “I know he is pretty quiet. You hardly hear him raise his voice. He probably is the type that really is a tyrant at home, though.

SHE DID THIS ON HER OWN

I think you would find it hard to believe that I have never asked the Peacefulwife to do any of the stuff she advocates so strongly. In fact, I probably was a little annoyed at times when the Peacefulwife would want to do some of these things. In retrospect, most of the time it was my own ignorance that would bother me. I know I had the same questions that some of you may have.

  • What would other people think?
  • Won’t they think I am an abusive husband or something?
  • Nobody does that anymore!
  • That’s so old school thinking, that doesn’t apply today.
  • Is she going to embarrass me?
  • Aren’t people going to think she is a little ‘different’?

WHAT’S WITH THE NEW WARDROBE?

Several years ago, the Peacefulwife asked me if it was alright if she started wearing long skirts most of the time. I didn’t have a big opinion on it. I didn’t really understand what the purpose was, but if it made her happy it was alright with me. It was odd at times and in different situations, but she wore nice skirts that were pretty and didn’t seem too old-timey or out of style.

THE BIRTH OF A CHANGE IN OUR MARRIAGE

I think it was sometime after she completed reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, my wife asked me to find her a book that was similar. In doing some internet research I kept seeing a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle popping up over and over. So I decided to order her the book from Amazon. Truth be told I think I ordered her about three books that were similar in subject, but this one immediately stood out to her. As she read that book she kept saying,

“I have been doing this all wrong.”

WHAT IS RESPECT TO ME?

She began to ask me questions multiple times a day about when I did this did you feel respected or was I disrespectful when I did this or said this. Most of the time, I was not totally sure if I felt respected or disrespected. It seemed like I had become accustomed to or it was the ‘norm’. I hadn’t really thought about whether it was the right or wrong way to approach an issue in a long time. It was easy to see that a lot of these things had become accepted because that was how it had been for the first 15 years of our marriage. It also was pretty much the same stuff that we have let become the standard when people talk about their marriages at work and other places. Seems respect for our spouses and our relationships has suffered on both sides of the fence.

Over the next several months, the Peacefulwife read large sections of The Surrendered Wife every day, many parts over and over. I thought this must be the biggest book in the world.  I know she is a fast reader. It didn’t seem so thick, but the print must be really tiny.

MY PERSPECTIVE DURING HER METAMORPHOSIS

Throughout that time I noticed a lot of changes beginning to take place.

  • The Peacefulwife asked me to start keeping track of the finances. Something I didn’t mind doing, but something she had taken care of since we had been married.
  • I also noticed that she started telling me things that she was interested in and then she would let them be. She was fully relying on my decision on these interests and if I didn’t immediately give her a decision I didn’t hear about them again.

I didn’t have to put up any fences to give myself time to think on these things for once. I didn’t feel rushed. I didn’t always get to even have input on these decisions before. Sometimes it was, “This is the way it is going to be, do you understand?” Other times she had consumed herself with a decision all day and when I didn’t immediately have the answer she was looking for it just wasn’t worth arguing about.

A NEW LEADER IN OUR MARRIAGE

The Peacefulwife often had been a pretty tough standard to feel adequate to. I often felt diminutive to her in her decision making and very much so in spiritual things. Every decision was painted so definitively black and white that I must be a little “off” to have any thought of the gray part of the decision, even if I thought we needed to allow a little grace for this or that. But all of a sudden, during this time frame she began making sure I decided everything. And at times, I can promise you it was everything.

I didn’t really know what was going on. I knew she had been reading in The Surrendered Wife, but I really didn’t know what was in the book. I also had seen other fly-by-night books that she had read and I had been the guinea pig on some of those as well. At this point, I didn’t know what was going on. All of a sudden I was having an ever increasing load on my shoulders that I had never had. It was as if the Peacefulwife was unloading all of the weight that she had carried for so many years. Some of the weight was put under my care, but most of it really didn’t need to be carried around in the first place.

THERE’S THE GIRL I FELL IN LOVE WITH, AGAIN!

The Peacefulwife seemed happier than she had been in some time. She had some spark that I hadn’t seen since we were first married. She was better able to concentrate on what the kids needed and she kept the house better than it had been before. She seemed to get what I really was thinking now. She seemed to understand that I think like a man and probably always would.

CAN THIS BE REAL?

I was a little alarmed by all of these changes. I hate changes and things that are outside of my logic-oriented brain. I was still a bit skeptical about these new changes and whether this was a fad or just a momentary upswing that would not last.

Strangely, I had a large amount of decision making added to my plate and yet it felt kind of neat. In an unusual way, though, I felt an unbelievable sense of responsibility to take all of my family’s interest to heart to make every decision. It wasn’t that I didn’t do that before, but that with the knowledge that my wife had put her complete trust in my decision I was compelled to make sure that the decision was best for all of us. I really have come to the point in making decisions that I do not even consider my own interests anymore.

SHE STUMBLED BEFORE AND WOULD GET REALLY DISCOURAGED

The Peacefulwife also began encouraging me daily, almost every few hours. I would get emails with long lists of things that she respected about me and how she approved of my leadership over our family. I would try to send some responses back, but this is an area I have failed in many times. She had sent loving emails before during our marriage. The problem was that I would get this great email at work and then I would get home.  I would feel like I needed to go outside and check the address again because I must have come home to the wrong house. If the message of the email doesn’t match real life you begin to turn it off.

(From Peacefulwife – When I was first learning about respect, I sent Greg long emails about what I respected him about, then I would feel unloved when he didn’t respond.  Took me awhile to figure out that I needed to send BRIEF emails and not expect a response – just seek to bless my husband, without looking for anything in return.)

THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT – SHE ACCEPTED ME

One huge change occurred this time though. It didn’t matter what my wife was doing when I came home, she would stop everything and come give me the biggest embracing hug and tell me how much she missed me. She would have dinner well under control and then she would give me a few minutes before supper was ready. She intentionally gave me a few minutes to make the conversion from work husband to home husband.

The kids seemed happier to see me come home from work and also welcomed me with a great big “Welcome home, Dad!” when I came in.  I am not real sure what she did to get them to do that, but they didn’t seem threatened or have any noticeable wires attached that I could see.

NEW EYES

Back about 10 years ago, the Peacefulwife had Lasik eye surgery. Her vision before was so bad that she would have a hard time finding her glasses if she took them off. After the surgery her vision changed from 20/800 to about 20/15. The change was so severe and immediate she can remember seeing her doctor’s faceless blob have the features drawn in until she saw a real life portrait.

In much the same way, it was as if she had had another surgery where her vision changed to only see my best, to only appreciate my gifts, and to be blinded to any false expectations or negative feelings about me.

SHE BECAME HER AUTHENTIC SELF!

So, you are thinking that the Peacefulwife basically cut off her feeling mechanism. That is what it would take to make such a drastic change. Fortunately, this change only opened up our communication to levels we had never seen. Not having to battle with the negative barriers that were there actually allowed us to talk openly and in a way that let us make sure that I was close enough to understand her feelings.

I also noticed that her example seemed to make me look at the positives in her as well. When my negative baggage disappeared from our relationship it helped me look beyond my wife’s faults as well.

HER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD CHANGED

Another change I saw was in the Peacefulwife’s spirit. She often had her quiet times just about every morning, but it was like the tone of her Bible study and prayer time had changed. I often felt like she took all of my negative traits to God and asked for him to change me. It was almost as if she was saying that “I have tried enough to change him, why don’t you take a stab at it? See if you can have any more luck?”

During this time, though, it was different. It was like she had accepted me for once in her prayer time. She thanked God each day for all of my strengths and asked God to use those strengths in a powerful way. She also put her trust that God would be in control of her life and our marriage. She had decided that letting God have control allowed her to trust in my ability to lead our marriage.

SHE WOULDN’T GIVE UP

I will be honest and tell you that she was not perfect. She had times when she stumbled occasionally, but she would get right back up and work even harder to correct her mindset. It was a learning process for her and she continues to learn. I can also tell you that I was not always the perfect test subject either. I probably was not as consistent as I needed to be in stepping up to leading our marriage. I am sure I didn’t always match the Action=Result expectation.  It still is a learning process for me as well.

I asked the Peacefulwife what was it about The Surrendered Wife that caused her to make such a devoted change. She explained to me that the book shined a light on how prideful, controlling and unfeminine her actions really were in our marriage. It also gave her very specific examples of the right approach to a lot of marriage issues and how those approaches would change her relationship for the better. The book also described that by surrendering control to your husband you would be able to have an unfathomable freedom and peace.

I ALWAYS LOVED HER

So, before my wife started being a surrendered wife, I loved her and that did not change. After my wife became a surrendered wife, I have been able to have an effective marriage that makes each of us thrive at our best. I fell in love with the Peacefulwife because she was a go getter, ready to tackle anything, perfectionistic, extremely capable, intelligent, beautiful, saved, and an extraordinary woman.

THINGS ARE BETTER THAN EVER

Some of those qualities attributed to issues we were having in our marriage. After the Peacefulwife became a surrendered wife, she is still all of those things, but I would describe her as empowered to enjoy and prosper our marriage. Her example has encouraged me to try to be a better husband, to try to learn her language better, and to learn to help her work through her feelings.

YOUR MARRIAGE CAN GET BETTER, TOO!

As I started this post, I told you that I never asked the Peacefulwife to do any of this.  I must admit one tiny little thing I asked the Peacefulwife to do, though. After we have seen the differences taking this approach could make, I told her I thought this would be something other marriages could get a lot from.

We didn’t know what the forum would be to try to get this message out. We looked into several things and several different approaches before a friend suggested that she try a blog. Hopefully, there will be something that she posts about that will make your marriage a little better too.

160 Comments on “When She Surrendered (by my husband!)”

  1. coffeewithwhitney
    June 12, 2012 at 10:42 pm #

    this is so cool to read! you’ve definitely encouraged me already and i’ve just started following your blog! wow…if women would submit to their husbands like we commanded to do, marriages would last and the families would be happy! i’ll know where to come read when my hubs gets on my nerves – this blog! ha.

  2. CMG
    February 2, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    As a man, I would hate this. I can’t imagine wanting my wife to fawn over me and obey me. I don’t need that or want it.

    It might have helped if you, the husband, had read some books on improving and changing your behavior. Why should it be a one-way street?

    Again, I can’t understand any man who needs this sort of child-like behavior in order to have a successful relationship. Definitely not for me!

    • respectedhusband
      February 2, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

      Wow…it is almost like you read this with blinders on. It is easy to see the word surrendered and think of the most extreme definitions. While this may not be for you, the true surrendering is to God. Our marriage is strongest when we both die to self and work to serve each other. We go by the principles of love and respect in marriage. I find it far from childlike. There is no tyrant attitude in our marriage. If anything, my own opinion or thought is the last thing I consider. I agree marriage shouldn’t be a one way street. The things we talk about have kick started some dead marriages to where they should have been. Thanks for your comment.

    • peacefulwife
      February 2, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

      Hey, CMG,
      Thanks for the comment!

      My husband NEVER asked me to do any of this. I realized my extremely prideful, controlling, disrespectful behavior (I was obnoxious, you can read about it in my about page) – and realized I was not the wife God wanted me to be. So I changed because I wanted to honor God and my husband, not because my husband asked me to.

      He never told me I was disrespectful – even though I was.

      But I was MISERABLE those 15 years many times. I was anxious, afraid, freaking out and trying to carry all the weight of the family. I thought I was the best wife ever and blamed my husband for 100% of the problems we had. That was not balanced and not fair of me at all. I didn’t even see what I was doing to contribute to the problems. So I am extremely thankful that God opened my eyes to my sin. When God changed me, my husband began to change, too.

      Now we have the marriage we always thought we could have. And we have never been happier.

      I appreciate the comments. I know that talking about respecting men is taboo in our culture – we are so used to feminism. But this change in me has been a huge key for my walk with God and my husband and I would NEVER, NEVER want to go back to my old critical, bossy, negative, condescending, “always right,” holier-than-thou, resentful, unforgiving, arrogant and sinful ways.

      Now, I talk to my husband in a pleasant tone of voice, tell him what I want and how I feel usually just once, don’t argue with him, trust him if he decides that what I want isn’t best for the family at the time, have peace all day every day, am full of joy, am not stressed with trying to carry more weight than I can really carry, and am relaxed. ME!?!? NONE of those things used to happen.

      I guess that some guys might enjoy having a controlling, dominating, spiteful, angry, pouting, prideful, negative, bossy wife – but we have both been infinitely happier since God has changed me.

      Praying for God’s greatest glory in your walk with Him and your marriage!

      • Michele
        February 24, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

        Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am just learning what it means to be a submissive wife and I’m hoping to have a marriage like yours one day. I would really appreciate it if you would keep me in prayer. Thank you.
        Michele

        • peacefulwife
          February 24, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

          Michele,
          Of course! I am so glad to meet you! I pray for God’s greatest glory and His full good and perfect will in your walk with Him and in your marriage. I can’t wait to see what He has in store!
          You are welcome to contact me any time! Much love to you! aprilc@sc.rr.com

    • In His Image
      May 29, 2013 at 2:22 am #

      @CMG

      As a man, I would hate this. I can’t imagine wanting my wife to fawn over me and obey me. I don’t need that or want it.

      It might have helped if you, the husband, had read some books on improving and changing your behavior. Why should it be a one-way street?

      Again, I can’t understand any man who needs this sort of child-like behavior in order to have a successful relationship. Definitely not for me!

      You write like a feminist. I rather doubt that you are a man as you claim: a normal man would not write as you have here, so I suspect you’re a troll.

      …But, in case you are not a troll (and in case someone else out there thinks like you), you should know that you labour under a delusion — the feminist delusion. But that really is only a secondary problem. Your main priority here should be getting to know the God who created you (and who created every man and woman who ever lived). Find out what He says about man, woman and marriage, rather than following the culture or your own vain imagination. And more importantly, ask Him to forgive you for your sins and save you through the blood of His dear Son.

      • qsilver
        July 17, 2014 at 7:41 pm #

        Here here.

    • andrea
      November 8, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

      Thank you CMG!

    • vale
      August 21, 2014 at 3:58 pm #

      The feminism is strong in this one.

  3. RS
    March 1, 2013 at 8:01 pm #

    Wow, what a website. My marriage is a strange one. The story is so long. Basically my husband is stepdad to my 2 oldest sons and we both are first generation Christians. He was coarse and backed it up with spankings early in our family and it would be when I was away like at a Ladies retreat. I would come home and hear the details from the kids. He did not develop a good relationship with them. He tends to say things that are not very Christ-like and the kids will reprimand him. His study of the bible for years was hit and miss. He has handed over financial issues to me in the past because he just didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to have sex for years. Felt like God spoke very clearly to me at a sermon years ago that he was acting like a fool and I should just not answer him and let God deal with him. So I spend a lot of time dealing with hurt by myself. Husband doesn’t like to pray or talk about things.???? I just take care of things and ignore his foolish talk and pray. Thinking of my husband being the head of the home??? I am the one who ministers to the kids. We have an up and down very distant relationship. Today he ask me on the phone what I needed and I began to tell him and he responded and hung up on me. My heart gets so heavy at times.
    Well, I’m glad I’m saved. God has walked me through alot. RS

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

      RS
      Praying for God to work in your heart and your marriage. So he is a believer?

      Is it possible that you could maybe cooperate more with his ideas? Maybe he has some wisdom to offer. Maybe God might speak to you through your husband sometimes.

      I would love for you to read the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission.

      Then, if you are up for it, send me an email and let me know what God is speaking to you and I will be glad to walk beside you on this journey!

      Much love to you!

      aprilc@sc.rr.com

  4. LLF
    May 9, 2013 at 8:19 am #

    I am seeking prayer and spiritual advice. I am a God fearing woman and my husband is a minister. I am very unhappy in my marriage. From day one we have problems with raising kids money making important decisions etc. My husband is competitive jealous and bossy with me. We are not a team. I feel like were roommates marriage 6 yrs. Counseling in past didn’t help he says its me. He says I am not submissive and should obey him while he tries to control me and kids. I was a independent woman when we meant and he likes my leadership skills and encourages me to take over when it benefits or good for him. Hes nice and sweet to church members but comes home and mean and short temper to me. Hes unforgiving and gives me slient treatmen for weeks and months. I am so disappointed in him as a man and a Minister and this marriage. We both should have stayed single!

    • peacefulwife
      May 9, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

      LLF,

      I am so glad to meet you!

      I am a pastor’s daughter in law, and we went to my FIL’s church the first 12 years of our marriage – so I definitely have a huge appreciation for how difficult it is to be a pastor and a pastor’s wife. You are called to a higher standard, and you are always under the magnifying glass. You as a pastor’s wife have immense power to either bless or destroy your husband as a man, as a pastor, as a father and as a believer.

      I actually have a post about being a p astor’s wife based on the example of my MIL.

      I grew up being the daughter of a deacon, many times my dad was the chairman of deacons. I, sadly, also saw how a pastor’s wife could destroy an entire church. A minister’s wife who took matters into her own hands and called and “blessed out” other staff members or who carried grudges or got into quarrels with members, deacons or other staff brings great dishonor to Jesus, her husband, her marriage and the church. I wish I hadn’t seen those examples.

      My recommendation to start would be to read the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission.

      One thing that helps me now, is I realize that if my husband is not asking me to sin, God Himself may be speaking to me through my husband. So now, instead of arguing or defending myself or attacking my husband, I try to listen and pray and ask God to show me any sin so I can repent.

      I would love to walk beside you on this journey. I have talked with many ministers’ wives, and I have seen God do miracles and restore marriages that were on the verge of divorce.

      Another helpful post may be My Demon

      You may also like my Youtube videos, my channel is “April Cassidy” – there are many topics to choose from.

      I am here and very glad to talk with you, pray with you and point you to Christ and His Word.

      Much love, my precious sister! Let me know what God is speaking to you and any issues or concerns you have.

  5. Jessica
    May 29, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

    I feel that God has brought me to your blog. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 year, but have been together for 7 years. We started out very much in love, but I have watched myself change over the years and not for the better. He has even told me I am not who I used to be. He’s said that I don’t respect him and honestly sometimes I don’t think that I do. I am so angry with him and nothing that he does seems to be good enough for me. I am a control freak and pretty much a spoiled brat. (not an easy thing to think of yourself as). I am the sole provider for our family while my husband is in school and have been for our entire relationship. I think that’s when I started having resentments toward him. There have been many more things that have fueled my resentments over the years and just a couple of nights ago we had the discussion that maybe we would just be better off living life on our own. But, being the strong christian man that my husband he he told me that we will not separate and that we will stick to our vows, but try to work on ourselves and pray that our marriage gets better. So, here I am desperately trying to get back to the sweet spirited person that I was when we met and have the best possible marriage that we can. Thank you and I look forward to this journey!!

    • peacefulwife
      May 29, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

      Jessica,

      I believe God has brought you here, too!

      Let me say – I was the primary breadwinner for the first 16 years in our marriage. NOT the best situation – it definitely caused me to lose respect. But I know many wives – other pharmacists, doctors, lawyers, etc… who are the only breadwinner – and that is practically a recipe for disrespect. It is MUCH, MUCH more difficult for a wife to respect her husband when he does not provide financially.

      It is not impossible to respect your husband in this situation – with the power of God working in you.

      I think that the picture of Christ and the church in marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33) gets a bit skewed when the wife is providing. Obviously, Christ provides for the church, not the other way around. And when the husband is the sole or primary financial provider- that provides an automatic source of some respect.

      When the wife carries all of the financial weight, she can end up feeling like she deserves to be in control of the money and other things, as well. It will take very careful thought and purposeful change and much prayer to reverse this disrespect.

      I am VERY glad your husband wants you to stick to your vows. WISE MAN. That is godly leadership!

      I would love to walk beside you on this journey! :) You may also email me at any time. aprilc@sc.rr.com

      • Gail W.
        November 14, 2013 at 5:39 pm #

        Wow, this just really speaks to what my husband and I had struggled with. Still struggle with actually. Very real, honest and relevant. I’m going to apologize for the length of this post in advance because I know it’s going to be long..

        My husband and I were both in our early 40′s when we got married. Each with very different life experiences under our belts. We also came into the marriage with very different earning capacities based on that experience and educational factors. On top of that being a blended family. No kids of our own together tho. I also came into the marriage with a disabled sister that I take care of.

        Can you already picture the power struggles we have? They have been very ugly. In fact, for the last 22 years, I was so smart, educated, self reliant, strong and level headed that I absolutely knew for a fact that God was really just a myth. A couple years ago (a year after I married Mark) I started to think I might be wrong. I didn’t say it, I just thought it and started “investigating it” because that’s what us smart, educated people do. My husband was alwyas sort of a passive believer. He believed but didn’t really understand much or do anything with his belief. So, it was easy for me to overlook it at first. Although, he did find us a great church last year to start attending. I loved everything that I was learning about God and loved going to church. Which surprised me. Although sometimes I did feel a bit out of place around some of the “mature Christians” but most of them didn’t mind me asking questions about things most would assume every Christian knew.

        I can totally relate to everything Jessica said. Up until recently I thought my husband was insane for saying he didn’t feel that I respected him and that he thought I was selfish and a spoiled brat. I really didn’t think I was. I mean, in the last year I even read the bible and I really believed all of it. I was so wrong about my views when I was agnostic. Everyday God showed me how wrong I was. Even during some very dark times in the past year. I always felt that i worked hard and took good care of my family. I supported them financially, solved every problem they came to me with and never bothered my husband with problems or to do lists or really asked him for anything. I couldn’t understand why he was interjecting himself where he wasn’t needed. And I told him that all the time which seemed to upset him for some reason. (duh me!) At the time I thought that was a great thing.

        Then we went to Trias Dias last month, him to the mens weekend and me to the womens weekend that followed. I loved the idea when our sponsor and good friend convinced me that it “would be great for Mark”.. It was all about him and improving him.. And man, did he need improving. His attitude was awful and he was always picking on me! Well played on our friends part. It was a little harder when it was the all about me weekend. It was there that it really hit me what he was talking about. The learning curve was huge and somewhat painful on a personal level. I don’t even have words to describe the experience I had there other than the fact that God showed up and lives were changed including mine. I realized I had not been a good wife at all. And, I glossed over a lot of the “uncomfortable” stuff that I read in the bible or learned about God.

        The most uncomfortable words were things like “obidience”, “submission”, “trust” and “repentence”. So I always just skimmed over those parts. Clearly for someone like me those were optional. The first 2 days of the 4 days there were awful for me. I wanted to leave. I was clearly not having the experience my husband had the weekend before and was getting really angry with him for being so happy about his journey. The arrogance of him to be “happy” right? I mean, I just learned that I actually had weaknesses and was not as great and brilliant as I thought. I had just learned that things like trusting God and submitting to God and being obidient and actually repenting for my sins wasn’t a recommendation! It was a requirement and I had no clue how I was going to do all of that painful stuff. 22 years as an agnostic you can’t imagine the amount of sin I had accumulated before I met my husband. Much less the way acted as a wife when I thought “I was being good”. I also learned that no matter how many times I told my husband he was “not the boss” of me for every little thing he suggested (even when he was right) it didn’t make that a fact.. Technically speaking, he sort of WAS the boss of me.. And worse yet, every single time I was intentionally belligerent to him, I was being belligerent to God. And another big light bulb moment was that my husband actually had feelings! And more than one feeling at that!

        I had always felt like because I was a leader at work and made more money that I was best equipt to be a leader at home too. And since I had always taken care of myself I was not going to let some guy (ouch) tell me anything. Even if it made Mark and everyone here absolutely miserable. Including myself. I never once stopped to think that there was absolutely no reason that I shouldn’t trust my husband to make decisions or to lead our family. He never has and never would abuse that trust. Not like I apparently had been doing all along.

        I would love to say that I have since been able to totally surrender, submit and trust God and move out my husband’s way so that he can be the man God intends him to be. But that would be far from the truth. It’s only been a couple of weeks since that experience. Things are better but we are both struggling with this. We had a bad day yesterday which is how I ended up finding this blog. It wasn’t an awful day but we disagreed and it was everything I could do not say something hurtful. We avoided a collision which was a big improvement but it was really because for the first time I was able to control my mouth. For the record, he’s still wrong and I’m right but looking at it today it really isn’t anything big enough to have a battle over..

        I really hope that we can get to the point you two are at. I emailed my husband the link to your husband’s blog and the one about how to change your wife.. He’s gonna love that. This is actually some of the most practical and real life stuff I have read in all of my research. I’m sure it’s time consuming for ya’ll but I’m really glad you both do it.

        Thanks for that.
        Gail

        • peacefulwife
          November 14, 2013 at 8:33 pm #

          Gail!!!!

          I am so thrilled to meet you! How I want to hug your neck!!!!!

          I am so excited about what you are learning. I wonder if you might allow me to please post this comment. I if believe it would blames so many wives who are just beginning this journey to become the godly wives Christ desires us to be.

          I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

          Let me know if you need to talk about anything. I will do my best to point you to Christ and his word,

          Aprilc@sc.rr.com

          • Gail Wilford
            November 14, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

            Yes Ma’am you certianly can post my comments. I definetly will take you up on any advice you can give us that will keep us on track. It’s new and sometimes awkward for us. There are a lot of bad habits to break in how we communicate with each other. More so for me because I have to literally turn a switch on the way to the office where I need to be in charge and then switch it off on the way home where I need to be his wife.

            I really am thankful that I stumbled across yalls blog today. Much of what I was finding did not fit with the actual day to day stuff that Mark and I experience. Your blog and your husband’s blog really did. Tonight was the first time we ever had an honest, calm conversation about the issue of disrespect. It’s the first time I told him how sorry I was and actually meant it. He must have really appreciated it because he’s in a really happy mood. I’d say he’s actually glowing for such a big tough guy like him. :-)

            • peacefulwife
              November 15, 2013 at 9:32 am #

              Gail,

              My prayer is that God might use me somehow to bring the dots closer together for those who come behind me. I believe you will find a wealth of practical and helpful information on becoming a godly wife and how to make Christ Lord here. This is going to require that you trash everything you thought you knew about being a woman and a wife and about marriage. I personally had to dig down to Christ and then begin rebuilding from scratch on His Word alone, throwing out all the poison from the culture around us.

              This will be a total renovation of your heart and mind – it is the process of sanctification – being made to be more and more like Jesus. It can be PAINFUL at times. There will be much dying to self. There will be major throwing out of idols. There will be a new way of understanding God, masculinity, femininity and marriage.

              There is much to learn! It is a lot like learning a brand new language. It takes time.

              It is also like eating an elephant. It is impossible to do this in a day or a week or a month. It is a long process.

              Please let me know if there are any subjects you’d like to talk about! I’m happy to be on this journey with you, my new friend!

              Thanks for allowing me to share your story!

              In Him,
              April

              • peacefulwife
                November 15, 2013 at 9:33 am #

                Oh! Gail, would you prefer for me to use your first name, or would you prefer it be anonymous? :)

          • grace
            January 7, 2014 at 4:51 am #

            I am going yhrough a terrible time where my husband wants to be bossy and a controlling freak who doesnt want me to hav an opinion or any desires.im a wel educated professional who had to quit my job for him, since he wanted to move to another country. I sacrificed alot for him but he never did acknowledge anything instead wanted to treat me lik a prisoner in the house who is supposed to only clean n cook. Now that he lied to me and abandoned me in my home country says am way too modern for him and he doesn’t lik me or he doesn’t remember anything good about me.Should I be still submissiv surrendering myself to him coz tis is my first relationship and get ready to b treated lik a slave even though he doesn’t show any maturity of a committed adult.i hv been literally abandoned from 4months and I was never given any money for my finances.most of the people want me to b with him being his slave and wait for him to change coz wifes state is always being submissiv and being lonely would onlg bring wrath! Plz suggest

            • peacefulwife
              January 7, 2014 at 7:23 am #

              Grace,

              Goodness! That sounds awful. :(

              Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

              How long have you been married?

              You have not heard from him in the past 4 months?

  6. D
    June 18, 2013 at 7:24 am #

    You have no idea, how much I needed to read your blog.
    I was crying to God just earlier because I felt so against submitting when I disagree with so many things, but I feel so peaceful now and so excited to move into this. I want to obey God and my husband! I begged God to show me what to read and this one just is right. It’s so RIGHT. I’ve read other spins on submission but this one is just so good. Oh God may I undo the damage I’ve done

    • peacefulwife
      June 18, 2013 at 8:02 am #

      D,

      I believe that God sends wives to me by divine appointment. I pray for each woman who reads my blog – and pray for God to speak through me – only His Words and His message. I cannot wait to see what He has in store! This is a LONG journey. It is a total renovation of the heart and soul. But it is SO WORTH IT!

      I also have videos on Youtube. There is one about how to apologize for your disrespect and control. My channel is “April Cassidy.” I am always glad to hear from you any time, D! My email is aprilc@sc.rr.com

  7. M
    June 18, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

    April, I have been working on this very problem for years. We have been married for over 20 years. Slowly over this time she has built a steel wall around herself. Its like a information blackout. I truly don’t know this person except for the few details that fit together. When I do get close to real information, she get very very upset and I know to drop it. However, our story does sounds like many others here on your blog. Your Youtube video on being the martyr and using guilt trips is spot on. I’m amazed (blown away) at your truth and enlightenment. You have real inner beauty and a very lucky husband.

    I don’t know how to approach her without offending her and having her throw out this great understanding God has given you. For her, there is no problem, even though she knows there is. Any advice?

    • peacefulwife
      June 18, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

      M,

      I am going to use your first initial in case she does happen to read my blog – or I can change you to an anonymous name if you would prefer. :)

      I have actually spoken with dozens and dozens of husbands in your situation. Most of them find that understanding what is going on with their wife and the deep root issues is extremely helpful. If you haven’t already, I would suggest reading “For the Men” post at the top of my home page. Then if you would like more insights, you may email my husband and me at aprilc@sc.rr.com and I can explain how this usually works in more detail, if you are interested.

      The good news is that as you become more and more like Christ and as you approach her with His Spirit’s power, His love, His tenderness, gentleness, firmness, truth, humility and servant-hearted leadership – God can use you as His partner to begin to soften her heart. You can make it easier for her to be able to begin to trust God by your obedience to His Word for you as a husband.

      Ultimately, though, only God can change her.

      This is going to require much prayer. Maybe even prayer and fasting. As you are right with Christ yourself, God will empower you to be the husband of His dreams – and He will reward you in heaven regardless of your wife’s response or lack of response here on earth.

      Her control/disrespect is not really about you. It is about her. And it is about her inability to trust and respect Christ. She does not know that. She would vehemently deny that statement. But the way she respects you and honors your God-given leadership is a very tangible indicator of the way she respects and submits to Christ. Her issues are all about her understanding of God and herself, her idols of control and self and feeling loved. You may also be an idol in her heart. There are so many possible idols that we put above Christ that destroy us.

      This stuff is subconscious. She is not purposely not trusting God. She probably thinks, if she is a believer, that she is a great Christian – just like I did. Only God can open her eyes to her sin and bring true, godly repentance.

      But, I do think it is important for husbands to address their wives’ sin. My husband NEVER ONCE told me that I was disrespectful, willful, controlling, stubborn, disobedient to God’s Word for me as a wife, prideful, idolatrous… I thought I was the best Christian wife EVER.

      Was it a favor to me to let me continue on and on for 14.5 years in my sin? No.
      Matthew 7:1-5 and Matthew 18:15-17 give Jesus’ prescription for confronting another believer in his/her sin.

      Is it possible you could confront her and then she will get really angry and shut you out or destroy the marriage? Yes.

      When you get close to someone’s idol and start messing with it, they get REALLY, REALLY UPSET. They think that thing is what they MUST HAVE to be happy. God will NEVER let us find contentment in idols. But you can expect a potentially very negative reaction if you begin probing.

      Some of the biggest issues are usually things like – a wife doesn’t understand God’s sovereignty, and thinks that she is actually sovereign in her own life and family, not God. Not consciously, but this is how she lives. She doesn’t trust God, she trusts self.

      Talking about and studying about God’s sovereignty is a GREAT place to start.

      The book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is the book that opened my eyes to my sin in 2008. It is a very fair and balanced book -so you could learn about how to better love her, and she could learn about how to better respect you.

      As far as approaching her, I would pray much before doing anything!

      But then, there may be a post or video that might address something she knows she struggles with that she may be willing to read/watch. Most controlling wives have a LOT of anxiety and depression. They also battle constant fear and usually loneliness. I have a post about spiritual causes of anxiety and depression. I have posts about fear and loneliness in marriage, too, if you want me to find links, I will.

      If your wife has a lot of conflict with her mom or MIL or sister who is also controlling, she may be willing to read “Boundaries and Control” to learn to better deal with them. I have some Youtube videos about that, too – martyrdom, guilt, people pleasing. My posts about all of those issues are on my blog the week of Nov 3-7. You can scroll backwards on the blog timeline to find them.

      You are in the same predicament as most husbands of controlling/disrespectful wives – if you suggest she read something, like my blog – she will be extremely offended.

      BUT – we can pray. I will pray, too. That God will open her eyes to her spiritual poverty, that she might mourn over her sin and repent and that she might be willing to make Christ Lord and learn to do things His way.

      Once she does see her sin – she will be horrified and completely overwhelmed. She will need HUGE amounts of patience and grace and mercy from you as she learns. This is not an overnight journey. It takes many months or years. It is the process of sanctification.

      One husband I know, printed the post at the top of my home page about what husbands find to be disrespectful – handed it to his wife and asked her to read it. She came back to him in tears of repentance a few minutes later. Other wives get angry and refuse to read.

      I pray God will give you wisdom to lead your wife for HIs glory! I pray that He might soften her heart. I am always glad to talk with her, once she is willing. I pray that God might give you the knowledge the love, the resources, strength, courage and faith to draw close to Him and to become His partner in healing and breathing life into this marriage that Christ might be greatly glorified!

      It is a pleasure to meet you!

  8. Rose
    July 14, 2013 at 2:45 pm #

    April , i thank God that i found your blog. I been married to my husband for 12 years and we have three children together. He is a very loving , godly husband and an excellent father. He loves god and very active in church. But me however ..i have trouble submitting to the church he goes to. There are so many rules and regulations that I am having trouble with. Like makeup are not allowed, skirts only even when exercising, not allowed to trim hair, no jewelry and many many more, its overwhelming. I thought i’ve done a good job being his wife. I work like crazy,and help him financially, cooks,and Im clean freak coz he likes to come home into a clean home. I thought i was being an ideal wife.

    We argue a lot about the church and women being too friendly with him. Argue about him staying out too much to teach bible study, I work nights which i know is a big no no, but we really need the income that this job is providing for us. And so when i expect him to spend time with me and kids he gets very annoyed.

    I realize now that i was being so disrespectful. He would always tell me that but never was specific. So i didn’t know what is disrespectful to him. This has been happening for so long that its become normal to me. I didn’t realize how much pain that Im causing him.
    We both agreed that maybe if he move out and not live together for awhile would be probably better for the kids. He kept putting it off, he really didn’t wanna leave but i kept pushing the subject. Until he started packing his stuff away and seeing his side of the closet empty…it hit me real hard. I need this man no matter how much he annoys me. I tried to talk to him into coming back but he kept saying “we will see what happens” . Thank you for your advice on how to ask for forgiveness to your husband and admitting i was wrong. I shall try it again with more sincerity.

    But i don’t know whats next? What do i do?

    • peacefulwife
      July 14, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

      Rose,
      I am so pleased to meet you! :)

      I think I am familiar with the denomination you are talking about. And while I understand the reasons why they have so many rules – ultimately, it can feel very oppressive and legalistic and doesn’t purify the motives of the heart at all.

      I worked nights for 2 years early in our marriage. That definitely made things MUCH, MUCH harder!!!! But I know that sometimes there isn’t much of a choice. We can pray for God’s will and He may change the situation.

      So – he is now gone?

      I would suggest praying and repenting to God for any sin He shows you. YOu can see my about page to see the sins I had in my heart. A whole MOUNTAIN of sin.

      I would definitely apologize by saying something like:

      “I have just begun to learn about respecting you properly and honoring your God-given leadership. I suddenly realize that I have not been a godly wife at all – and didn’t even know it. I have been so disrespectful to you and contentious. I have tried to get you to do what I wanted instead of biblically submitting to you. I was very wrong. I repent to God and to you. I have sinned against you both. I want to learn to be the wife God wants me to be and the wife you need me to be. I was wrong to push you to leave. That is not what I want at all. I am going to start today to learn to trust you and follow you. I know I won’t be perfect. I have a lot to learn. I pray that you might be able to forgive me and be patient with me as I learn this new way of living.

      I want you to come home. But I trust you to do what you believe is best for our marriage and our family. I will joyfully honor your choice of church and denomination. I am proud of you for being such an amazing BIble teacher. I apologize for not supporting you teaching at church like I should have.”

      Then just give him some time to process and think about what he needs to do. Please do not push or rush him. If he needs days or longer to think about it – that is ok.

      Is he flirting with the women at church or just being friendly?

      Then, be content with this church and do your best to honor your husband’s wishes about that church – knowing that you are not doing these things to be legalistic or earn points with God – but just to please CHrist by honoring your husband’s leadership. And we will pray for God to give your husband wisdom about what church to go to.

      Much love to you!

    • Christine
      September 18, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

      I am so overwhelmed right now with all the things I am reading. I’ve been very afraid to post. I’m in a painful marriage right now and don’t know where to turn. These comments are ministerring to me deeply. I have been so wrong and disrespectful but I want to change, my marriage is at risk. He wants to seperate.

  9. lcfalls
    August 12, 2013 at 8:50 pm #

    Hello! I absolutely love this and am so encouraged by it! God has really need showing me his plans for things like my marriage, modesty, and just a whole bunch of things that are pleasing to him! I am a major control freak and I know I need to change how I treat my husband. Your YouTube videos are like my afternoon TV. :) I love your encouraging words and I totally think God has allowed my to find your sites to help me on my journey! Your both an inspiration! Keep it up! :)

    • peacefulwife
      August 13, 2013 at 10:10 am #

      Icfalls,

      I am so glad that you are encouraged! I am also very glad that the videos are a blessing to you. :) Please let me know all that God is doing in your life and marriage! I am so excited to see what He has in store for you!

  10. John M
    August 16, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

    Thanks a lot I have been looking for teaching and practice of what submission really is. John M, Kenya

    • peacefulwife
      August 16, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

      John M,
      You are most welcome. I have a post on biblical submission at the top of my home page as well. :)

  11. Yas
    August 19, 2013 at 12:45 am #

    Hello PeacefulWife,

    I found your post, because my husband forgot our 1 year anniversary and I thought I would Google it.

    I am so hurt and angry at him. I am so very discouraged. I cried all day (for real). I thought he would remember.

    I would like to me a submissive wife, but I am scared that he will abuse me. No, not with sticks or fist, but, by making decisions that are better for him then for me, as he sometimes do.

    I think it is unfair and I feel I have to protect myself. So I argue with him at times, that I will not do what he wants, because so and so, he had not taken in consideration.

    He usually gets my point, but I don’t think he agrees totally.

    For example, we argue because he doesn’t want to buy a gift for a birthday party, or because, he does give decent tips when we go to the restaurant. I tell him to do to others what he would have them do unto him and tell him how he is not being fair. In those cases, I am so ashamed of him.

    How am I supposed to respect him then? Or ever?

    I feel tired and weary.

    Plus, sometimes he says things just to make me happy, but doesn’t intend to do them for real. I don’t think I can trust him (for real). I don’t even think he knows how to be a leader of anything.

    Even so, I think the best thing to do is to obey the Word of God. If I understand correctly, if I do what my husband says, he will try to take my point of view in consideration?

    Thanks for your help.

    • peacefulwife
      August 19, 2013 at 7:48 am #

      Yas,

      It is wonderful to meet you! :)
      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      Ultimately – your trust will need to be in Jesus that you are surrendering control to Him and that He will lead you through your imperfect husband.

      You will actually have SO MUCH MORE power doing things God’s way. When a husband feels respected and trusted, he tends to be way more generous, loving and desires to make his wife happy.

      He may not know how to lead – the only way he will learn is if you step down. That is what I had to do. Then you can help him learn to lead by praising the good and not making a big deal of the not as great decisions.

      I have some posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission you may want to check out. :)

      You are not guaranteed that your husband will do what makes you happy if you obey God’s Word. But if you continue doing what you are doing, you are guaranteed he won’t want to make you happy.

      If you change, it must be because you want to honor and please God and live for Him alone. Then trust Him to work in your husband.

      Much love to you! :)

      • Yas
        August 19, 2013 at 10:45 am #

        Hello PeacefulWife,

        Thank you for your prompt response, especially since I feel a bit trapped, like there is nobody I can talk to. I am scared my family will mock me and church people have a big mouth.

        My husband and I are Christian. My husband is a very prayerful man. He loves the Lord. Always ready to go to church and to help people with spiritual problems. He makes personal research to better understand the Bible. He says that by obeying God he will be a loving husband. He is so sure he loves me. Yet, he is not very romantic, no “I just called to say…”, no gifts, few “I love you”, only when he is very happy.

        I find it hard for me. I did complain, but do I need to tell you it didn’t do anything?

        He did confide in me that he didn’t know how to be romantic. I bought him a book and he never read it. I still though that he would remember our anniversary. I just wanted him to say : Ah, 1 year already. I am so happy. But nothing.

        This morning, he ask me to pray with him. He didn’t say anything about the missed anniversary. So, I didn’t say anything either. Maybe we’ll talk about it later, maybe not.

        Anyhow, I will definitively read you more of your blog and watch your YouTube videos.

        I know, I must be the change. I promise to try my best.

        It is a bit strange for me. I thought I would be such a loving and forgiving wife. But I feel impatient, resentful, disappointed. I don’t want to be a mom to him, but sometimes, I have to make many reminders. I thought that his love for God would solve everything and that married life would be so easy. I was super wrong.

        I am a bit scared of submission. I am scared that he would sometimes think a little more about him then about me.

        But, I think I need more information on the topic and I will ask God to change me. I bet the will of God is better then what’s in my heart anyway :)

        Thank you so much for your time and may God bless you.

        • peacefulwife
          August 19, 2013 at 11:19 am #

          Yas,
          Did you you happen to read the posts about “My Husband Forgot Our Anniversary?”

          You can search that on my home page.

          I would also suggest reading these posts about romance (on my site for single women):

          http://wp.me/p2is8W-1eC

          http://wp.me/p2is8W-1eC

          This will have nothing to do with you being able to change yourself – and everything to do with you asking God to change you and you learning to trust Him alone and to understand He is sovereign and you are not in control. :)

          Resentment and disappointment are my signal that i am making something other than Christ the center of my life – an idol. It is my signal to check my motives and to see if I am elevating my way, being in control, my feelings of being loved into an idol status – that is more important to me than intimacy with Christ.

          Of course submission is scary. It is the biggest test of a wife’s faith in Christ. Is God strong enough and “sovereign enough” to lead me through my sinful and imperfect man?

          You will have to hash through your fears and decide that you believe God’s Word and will trust and obey Him even when you can’t see or understand how it will work out – knowing He will use all things for your ultimate good (to make you more like Jesus) and for His glory – even if your husband screws up.

          The amazing thing is – your biblical submission is the only way your husband will learn to be a godly leader. And as he feels all of that pressure – he will realize that he is accountable to God and it will drive a godly man to draw nearer to God and closer to you. It will make him want to protect and shelter you.

          It actually brings great freedom, peace and joy -once you get over the initial terror and the pain of dying to self. :)

          I can PROMISE you that God’s way and His will is infinitely better than your attempts to try to be in control. :)

          Much love!

  12. Dawn
    September 3, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    Hello Peacefulwife,

    A friend suggested I read your blog a couple of months ago and I must admit I put it off as long as I could. She suggested it because she began reading it and knew that I struggled at times in my marriage.

    I knowingly married a nonbeliever. I love him deeply and don’t doubt that we fit each other well; however, I do feel we forced the timing when we eloped. It has been very difficult for me to live out a Godly marriage knowing that we don’t worship the same God. We have even talked about it at length.

    My husband is very passive and I was raised to depend on myself first and foremost. He grew up in Catholic schools and rejected the faith as an adult. My parents took me to PSR and taught me of God but I didn’t learn about having a relationship with God until much later as I recovered from addiction. He wants a person to save him and I know that salvation doesn’t come from people. We are polar opposites and depending solely on myself is such a hard habit to break! I’m so grateful there are people that can show me the way.

    Thank you so much for this blog. Before my friend referred me here, I had started reading Love and Respect. I will look into The Surrendered Wife as well. I’m sure I will glean much wisdom from this blog and RespectedHusband’s as well.

    Thank you both,

    Dawn

    • peacefulwife
      September 3, 2013 at 9:17 pm #

      Dawn,

      It is great to meet you! :)

      I have some posts for wives who are married to unbelievers. You can search my home page for “unbeliever” or “husband won’t go to church” or “husband won’t pray with me.” I think on the right in the categories, there is also one about how to respect a husband who is not a believer and one about “win him without a word.” Those may be helpful. :)

      Would you like to talk about how things are going? You may email me any time at aprilc@sc.rr.com.

      I will do my best to point you to Christ, pray with you and walk beside you on this journey of becoming the woman of God’s dreams.

  13. lovelyleblanc7
    September 14, 2013 at 6:41 pm #

    With Christ, all things are possible! May God continue to bless your marriage peacefulwife!

    • peacefulwife
      September 14, 2013 at 8:12 pm #

      Amen. That is SO VERY TRUE! :)

      Thank you, lovelyleblanc7!

  14. Christine
    September 19, 2013 at 4:46 am #

    Good morning,
    I would rather email you here. Thanks for returning my email, it means so much. I don’t know where to begin because when I try to talk, the tears come and they just won’t stop. I love my husband and he loves me but there is so much that has happened that I just don’t know where to begin.

    • peacefulwife
      September 19, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

      Christine,

      I am so sorry for your pain!

      How long have you been married?

      Are either of you believers in Christ?

      What do you believe you need to be happy in the marriage?

      What is your husband doing that hurts you?

      What are you doing that hurts your husband?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      Are there any mental health problems, addictions, infidelity or violence?

  15. Christine
    September 19, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

    We have been married for 23 years. My mom was married 3 times . His parents for over 20 years and then she passed from Cancer. We are both believers. His Dad has been re-married for 10 years now. His family suffers from depression. He cheated and I found out 7 years ago and I just could not seem to get past it. There were three and several friends. He was working at a church, fulltime minister oof music.. I found all of the news out all at once. I was tramitized and wanted to seperate but he would not leave. I needed space to sort things out. I had been faithful for 20 years.. We went to counceling, a good christian councelor but I felt like everything was about his pain and his affairs and his low self-esteem and his failures and and just felt lost and I felt sad, mad and dissapointed in Him, God my Pastor and even the councelor. Wherer was my healing?? Was I too just forgive and move on? I treated him cold for 7 years and the last few years, I found someone that was kind to me and payed attention to my needs and then I had an affair that lasted two years. I could see that it didn’t make me feel any better soI decided to tell my hisband, end it and seek to get my relationship with Christ and my husband back. My husband is now distant and wants to seperate and possibly explore divorce and I want to keep my family together. I have two wonderful kids. One 13 a girl and one 16 a boy who has been effected of course. He wants in-house seperation which is our current status. He leaves one weekend and leave the other( I decided not to leave). We stay in seperate rooms and still function as a fmily on weekdays. It’s hard on me and the kids to see the coming and going. He says he is faithful to me now but feels that there is just too much damage. I may agree. I don’t know?? I love him and he loves me but I feel that we have been disrespectful to each other. He feels we need space But I see the blank look in his eyes because I was once there.I have since re-dedicated my life to Christ and was introduced to your blog. I have been going to counceling now and have taking up running which is theraputic. I give my husband the space he wants and try to stay out of the way without making the children uncomfortable. He still tells me he loves me and I as well. I still cook, clean and take care of my household. I work and have a small business but still manage to have joyful moments in the misdt of it all. I just don’t know if it’s all worth it at this time. I want to remain respectful and live in peace…Waiting.

    I know I ‘ve said a lot but there is so much history…Thanks for listening.

    • peacefulwife
      September 19, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

      Christine,

      Goodness! That is a long history.

      I do completely believe God can heal this. Of course, you will have no guarantee ahead of time. But as you seek to be the woman God desires you to be and focus on your sin and obeying the commands God gave you as a wife – I believe that gets you out of God’s way so that He can work on your husband and be heard the easiest.

      I will pray for you right now!

  16. Paula Torres
    September 20, 2013 at 2:54 am #

    You are right and that’s what I’m doing now. Thanks for your prayers.

    • peacefulwife
      September 20, 2013 at 8:09 am #

      Paula,
      You are welcome. Let me know how you are doing! :)

  17. W.
    October 16, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    I am so happy to have found your site! My eyes were opened after reading Eggerichs’ book Love and Respect and for the past year (with prayer) I have done my utmost to change how I think about and treat my husband. What a difference it has made in me and in our marriage! I’ve relaxed and concentrated on enjoying the amazing man God has blessed me with and I can tell he is a much happier husband.
    There is one area of our marriage that is still a problem: finances. My husband and I both work full time and I earn considerably more money than he does. This is a really sore spot for my husband and we handle it by not ever talking about it and by having separate, but equally available, bank accounts. We have divided our bills – I pay the monthly recurring bills and buy groceries, he pays for insurance and vacations – and this seems to work, but I feel so guilty about my income being more than his. I am so careful to voice my appreciation to him for his desire to take care of our family, and I have made sure he knows that I am fully confident in his ability to take care of us. I’ve offered to quit working (our kids are grown) but he said I shouldn’t do that.
    Should I get rid of my bank account and merge our finances? I’m afraid that him actually seeing the numbers would make him feel worse about things! We’ve kept the peace for so long by the “don’t ask, don’t tell” mentality.
    Would it be respectful to give over all the bill paying to him? I would also really appreciate your husband’s point of view on this subject as well.
    Thank you so much for sharing.

    • peacefulwife
      October 16, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

      W,
      I can relate! I made more than my husband for 16 of the 19 years we have been married.

      If he is happy about the way things are – it may be best to leave it for now. This is a difficult thing for many men. It was hard on my husband, too.

      I am actually SO THANKFUL I make less than he does now – my hours were cut.

      You can ask him about giving him all the bill paying … but only ask once, and then let him have time to think – that is my suggestion. But wait until it is a good time, he is not stressed, things are going well. If you want to be home more, you can ask him about that.

      I would suggest praying, and maybe even fasting a bit before bringing anything up.

    • peacefulwife
      October 16, 2013 at 10:23 pm #

      I have three posts on this issue.

      You can search my home page for “finances” and “money and the ugly truth”

      • W.
        October 17, 2013 at 9:41 am #

        Thank you! I have read your financial posts and they are very helpful. Your advice is sound. I will tread carefully with prayer.

        • peacefulwife
          October 17, 2013 at 10:47 am #

          W.,
          That is the most important thing! To be sensitive to God’s voice and to seek His wisdom and prodding. :) Praying for wisdom for you!

  18. W.
    October 28, 2013 at 9:51 am #

    April, I wanted to give up an update about my above question.
    I took the first baby step in surrendering our finances to him and said to my husband that I wanted us to have one checking account and not separate ones. Here’s the conversation:
    Me: “Honey, I’d really like for us to have a joint checking account.”
    Him: (looking alarmed) “Why? Do you need some money?”
    Me: “No I don’t need money. I want to close my bank account and have my check deposited into yours.”
    Him: (sharply) “I’ll close MINE then and you can have all of it.”
    Me: “I don’t WANT to have all of it. I want you to have it. You are a much better steward of money than I am.” (April, this is very TRUE; he spends carefully and saves wisely.)
    Him: (looking upset) “There is nothing wrong with the way things are.”
    Me: “Ok… thank you, honey.” (exit room)

    And so my attempt seemed to fail. Sigh. Just the mention of money causes a disagreement. When his countenance became angry, I chickened out. I suppose I could have pushed the issue more rather than saying ok and leaving, but I don’t trust myself yet to remain respectful when he speaks sharply to me. Plus if I kept on, wouldn’t that have seemed controlling? Now just reading back over the conversation, I fear I sounded like a controlling shrew!

    I want to say to him that I can’t do our bill paying anymore and hand it to him as you did, but I thought combining our assets should come first. If I had closed my account without asking him, and then made the announcement, wouldn’t that in itself have been controlling?

    I have not mentioned anything about this to him since that conversation and all has seemed well. I am praying for God’s wisdom and direction.

    • peacefulwife
      October 28, 2013 at 10:41 am #

      W,

      This is not an emergency situation – you don’t have to merge assets this week or this month. You can continue to pray about it and ask for God’s wisdom and favor.

      It sounds like he has no idea why you would want to do this.

      So, we will just pray that you might have an opportunity to share later.

      Not a big deal. :)

      You handled it very well, I think.

      Let’s just put that issue on the back burner for awhile and focus on becoming the wife God wants you to be. There is no command from God that a couple’s money must be in one account. Not to worry! :)

  19. Keith
    November 10, 2013 at 10:33 am #

    Hello,

    I’m having trouble in my new marriage. I’ve been reading websites this morning looking for some advice. I finally found one that focused on God’s word concerning marriage. I know most of the replies on here are from women, so I hope I haven’t come to the wrong place. My wife has become very disrespectful. I’ve never felt so low as a man. I never dreamed that we would be where we are right now. I don’t want to write a wife bashing post, I love her very much and want to do whatever I can to help us. I would like her to read the book mentioned in the post. However, my wife is very stubborn and prideful. She says to me all the time “I need to know that I have a choice”. So I would assume that she would take offense if I showed her the book and suggest she read it. Is there a husbands version of this book that I can read ? I’ve brought home spiritual books in the past, ones that involved both parties and suggested we spend time together discussing it. They however sit on the coffee table….maybe I should be taking charge to schedule the times we will be spending on it, rather than waiting for her to come to me.

    I would appreciate any guidance on encouraging her to read the surrendered wife. Also your prayers are appreciated as well !

    Thank you

    • peacefulwife
      November 10, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

      Keith,

      It is wonderful to meet you. :)

      My particular blog is written for women, but there are many men who read. I don’t “give advice” to men – but, I am sometimes able to help men understand what is going on with their wives. My husband also has a blog http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com that may be helpful.

      She needs to know she has a choice to do what? To respect you? Or to make her own decisions?

      Are you both believers in Christ?

      What was her parents’ marriage like?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      How do you respond when she is disrespectful?

      What does she do when you try to express your pain?

      The Surrendered Wife doesn’t have a masculine counterpart. But, the book that I started out with 5 years ago that got me on this journey was a book that is great for husbands and wives to read together, “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. That is the book that opened my eyes to the fact that my husband needs respect much more than love.

      You can absolutely pray and decide to take initiative to spend time together with her on those books. I have a list of marriage books I recommend. In my view, the key is that the books need to address the husband’s need for respect and honor just as much as they address the wife’s need for love. Some marriage books could do more damage than help if they are totally focused on only what the husband needs to change, if that makes sense.

      What particular things would you like her to stop doing and start doing?

      One thing that I wish my husband had done was tell me that he felt disrespected. Or, that he felt hurt by my behavior. He shut down and never said anything, so I assumed he had no feelings. I was SO VERY WRONG.

      I have a lot of posts that would be extremely helpful – but your wife will have to be willing to look at them. If she feels forced into it, it probably will not work.

      The key, in my view, is her relationship with Christ. A wife’s level of respect and biblical submission to her husband is a tangible indicator of her level of reverence for and submission to Christ.

      I’m glad to discuss this in more depth if you are interested.

      In Him,
      April

  20. StillHopeful
    December 31, 2013 at 7:36 am #

    Thank you. It’s wonderful to here from the husband. I just found this blog this morning at this rather tumultuous time in my marriage and I believe it is a God send. Thank you for sharing your life.

    • peacefulwife
      December 31, 2013 at 7:56 am #

      StillHopeful,
      You are most welcome! Let me know if you want to talk about things. :)

  21. daisymae
    January 7, 2014 at 7:33 pm #

    I love that he not only noticed when you feel off the surrendered wagon but appreciated that you got back up and tried harder. I beat myself up when I would fail and think I wont ever be able to do this. Now I know that is just the enemy trying to discourage me.

  22. Johnny D. Mack
    February 3, 2014 at 12:32 pm #

    If I’m going to be perfectly honest, I’m a bit teary eyed after having read through this post. PeacefulWife may know MY wife Ashleigh from a few comments that they exchanged throughout the day yesterday on a different post.

    First of all, I want to make it very clear that I love my wife with all of my heart. There is no person on this earth that I would rather be married to than her and no other woman that makes me as happy as she does.

    That being said, at times there is no other person on this earth that is able to hurt me as deeply as she can either. And I know for a fact that she can rightfully say the same of me.

    Ashleigh and I have been together for going on three years now, and married for about 18 months. Without going into too much detail, we had both been told very clearly by God that we had just laid eyes on our future spouse the very first time we met, although we both refused to accept it at that particular time.

    When we finally did give into our true feelings for each other and chose to begin seeing each other in a romantic way, it was time to start meeting friends and family members from her home town. (We lived on the east coast at the time and my roots were back in the Midwest. Since we lived within a couple hours of her home town it was much easier for me to interact with her roots than it was for her to see mine at the time.)

    Again, without going into too much detail, after having met me in one very brief visit, some of her family, and even the pastor from her home town church had gotten together and decided that there was something very wrong with me and that God had told all of them that we shouldn’t be together (remember, he had clearly told both of us the exact opposite even though neither of us accepted it at the time or were even aware that the other had received a revelation.)

    Because I haven’t been a born again believer my entire life like they all have and because I have a lot of “emotional baggage” from my past experiences, they somehow allowed themselves to completely overlook what I believe to be the entire point behind the Cross and the transforming, restoring, life changing power of the Blood of Christ.

    You see, I don’t consider myself to be carrying “emotional baggage” from my pre-salvation life experiences. I DO consider myself to be a person that has experienced a lot of unfortunate things in my life, many of which were self imposed due to poor life decisions. But I don’t CARRY any of those things anymore. Christ now carries them for me, and what was once a very sad life story, He has miraculously transformed into a beautiful testimony of His saving power and grace.

    Moving on from that little rabbit trail…certain people had decided that they didn’t want us to be together, so when the time came for us to begin the process of marrying each other they took it upon themselves to make things as difficult as possible for us. (When I say “they”, I am referring largely to some of the women in her family, with the men following along as willing participants. I’ll get to more about that shortly.)

    When it came time for me to propose, things began to get interesting. Even though I had planned to do what I believed to be the right and respectful thing to do by asking her father for permission to marry her, that didn’t seem to be quite good enough for them, for three reasons:

    1) I was expected not to ask her FATHER for his blessing. The moment it became clear what I was doing in that conversation, he stopped me and went into the other room to get her mother. I was then expected to ask for her mother’s blessing while her father just happened to be in the room with us.

    2) I was then expected to ask her grandparents for the same blessing.

    3) When I approached her grandfather for his blessing over coffee the next morning, the same scene played out. Grandfather went to fetch grandmother and my request for permission was to be directed at her.

    Once that fiasco was all said and done, we were expected to wait another full year before ever even getting engaged. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. According to 1 Corinthians 7:9 — “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

    Let me tell you in complete honesty that we were BURNING and we needed to get married. So I respectfully told them that I was going to be proposing that June and invited them to attend if they would like to. (Because of my creative and over the top nature, I had BIG PUBLIC plans for our engagement.)

    My future spouse went home for what was supposed to be a very quick visit a few days before I was going to propose. Knowing full well what I had planned, some of the women in her family took it upon themselves to convince her that she should stay in town for a couple days longer (in an attempt to prevent our engagement.)

    I actually had to ruin a small part of the surprise in order to get her to come home. Otherwise there would have been musicians, a banquet staff, and about 20 guests at an engagement party awaiting a soon-to-be female fiance’ that wasn’t going to show.

    Seeing that they weren’t able to stop our engagement, they then began to focus on preventing or delaying our inevitable marriage in any way possible. Again, they tried to convince both of us that we should wait another full year to get married. At this point, it had already been a year LONGER than we wanted to wait.

    During this process, the pastor at this home church actually decided he wanted to have separate meetings with both of us. At the meeting he held with her, one of “they” decided to be present and the both of them spent the next several hours trying to convince her that God was telling them that we shouldn’t get married.

    In my meeting with that same pastor, he questioned and judged my salvation, effectively telling me that there is no way anybody with the kind of life experience that I have could be worthy of marrying the woman I had my eyes set on, as well as informing me that I wasn’t cut out for the type of ministry that she and I both feel that we are called to.

    “They” then proceeded to take our wedding plans out of our hands (knowing full well that we wanted to plan our wedding together as a couple) and made it so unbearable that we eventually decided to elope out of a growing desperate feeling that they were never going to allow us to get married at all unless we took matters into our own hands.

    Even after we were married in the eyes of God and law, the women in her family have continued not only to undermine my role as her husband, but to encourage and manipulate her into doing the same.

    This all sounds like I am horribly dissatisfied with my wife so I want to make it clear; that is in NO way the case. I know I married the right woman for me. Where we find ourselves now is facing some of the following challenges:

    - Certain members of her family have decided that it is ok to openly reject me and yet maintain a relationship with her. I am of the mind that if you reject one spouse, you are rejecting both of them. While I understand how this is difficult for her to accept, I also feel disrespected and undermined every single time a conversation takes place with a family member that does not accept me as her husband.

    - I am expected to lead in our marriage in a way that can be broken down into two points:

    1) Let her tell me when and how to lead because that’s what all of the other men and her family do.

    2) Make a “show” out of the times when I am allowed to lead by worshiping and praying in ways that her family believes are appropriate but that I personally feel makes me look at bit like a Pharisee.

    - Because of my frustrations with disrespect in regards to her allowing her family to reject and undermine me as her husband, I am often left feeling unloved (even though I KNOW she loves me, I don’t always FEEL it) and unappreciated by my wife.

    - Because of the expectations she has of me to emulate the men in her family, I am often frustrated with my inability to act as the husband and leader that I desperately WANT to be but don’t feel that I am ALLOWED to be.

    - Because I’m not allowed to be the leader, I’m not allowed to pursue my wife and show her my love and affection in my way, in my timing or on my terms because I feel that she is constantly telling me where, how, and when to love her.

    - Because I’m not allowed to be the man that I know I should be in my marriage, I’m afraid to be the man that I want to be in the bedroom. I often don’t have a desire to engage in intimacy because I often don’t have the opportunity to INITIATE intimacy.

    Again, if it sounds like I don’t love my wife I want to put your mind at ease one more time. There is no person on this earth that I love more. When I found the blog posting that I sent to her yesterday, it was out of a desire to let her know how I’ve been feeling and that I’m not the only husband in the world that feels these things.

    Yesterday was a huge step forward for us in our ability to communicate and for her to understand how these things make me feel inadequate as a man and as her husband.

    I mentioned earlier that we both felt that we have a shared calling into a specific ministry. Believe it or not, we believe that we are called to one day help struggling couples through some of the very issues that we have faced in the past and are facing right this second.

    We know that we have challenges in our relationship and if I have made it sound like all of the blame falls on my wife’s shoulders, let me correct that. I know full well that I am partially responsible for allowing these issues to reach the intensity that they are at.

    But I also know that if we can learn to communicate through these issues and establish the proper roles as husband and wife in our relationship, which God’s help, that there is no couple I can think of that will be a more formidable tag team in helping other struggling couples combat these issues.

    All of this (and I know there is a LOT) is to say thank you both for sharing your perspectives and experience. It means more than you can possibly realize. And we are both looking forward to the day when we can do something very similar to what you are doing here.

    • peacefulwife
      February 3, 2014 at 1:01 pm #

      Johnny D. Mack,

      It is a pleasure to meet you! :)

      It was also such a pleasure to meet your bride. :)

      You know what, my brother? What you have to say here is really important. I don’t want to throw any family members under the bus – but – I do want to ask you if you might allow me the honor of sharing what you described toward the end of your comment about the challenges you are facing? I respect your decision, either way. I can post your comments anonymously if you would prefer.

      You are able to articulate the issues and challenges so clearly. Many husbands cannot or do not explain these things so well to their wives – and – I believe that you actually speak for many other Christian husbands when you describe these frustrating issues and dynamics that are making it so much more difficult for you to lead your own wife in a godly way.

      I support your godly leadership here. I will not be undermining your God-given authority to lovingly lead your wife with the wisdom God gives to you. THANK YOU for loving your wife. THANK YOU for desiring to lead her in a godly way. Thank you for submitting yourself to Christ. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you both!

      Maybe this comment might be your first step into the waters of ministering to other couples.

      There are a lot of wives who need to hear what you are saying. And there are countless Christian husbands who will praise God for your willingness to share.

      Much love in Christ!
      April

      • Johnny D. Mack
        February 3, 2014 at 1:25 pm #

        I have absolutely no problems at all with you sharing any part of my post in any way you wish. Anonymity is also not required. I believe Ashleigh and I will be following your blog closely and engaging conversations in the future. Thank you again for being so willing and able to share your perspectives and experiences with others. I look forward to the day when we can do the same on a regular basis. :-)

        • peacefulwife
          February 3, 2014 at 3:04 pm #

          Thank you so much, Johnny!

        • PeacefulwifePhilippines
          February 5, 2014 at 3:52 am #

          Hi Johnny!

          Thanks for sharing your heart out to us through April’s blog. Not a lot of men would just put their hearts out on a sleeve the way you did. I am sure it was painful to recall what had happened or is currently happening to you and your marriage right now. Seems to me everyone is in on it! What a situation to find yourself in. It must be so so hard! I feel for you, brother!

          I agree with April. I am hoping this putting it out in the open will be your first step towards not only fulfilling your ministry but towards making your marriage even better. Sometimes one really has to put out all the hurts and frustrations into the light, so that the enemy no longer hold us in bondage by keeping those skeletons in the closet in the dark.

          God bless you both! God’s Work in you seems to have only just begun. ;)

          Sincerely,

          Nikka

          • Johnny D. Mack
            February 5, 2014 at 5:06 am #

            Thank you, Nikka. It is definitely painful for both of us to realize where we are failing in this area. But I believe we are going to be stronger for our experiences when all is said and done!

  23. Vincent
    February 5, 2014 at 12:32 pm #

    I just found your blog today, and it’s as if you and your husband were writing about what I hope would be my marriage in the future. Both your marriage dynamic and you both as individuals sound a LOT like my wife and me.

    And being that you (Peacefulwife) sound a lot like the pre-epiphany version my wife, how would you recommend discussing things like this with her? How would you have reacted (pre-epiphany, again, of course) if your husband tried to open the door to discussing things like this with you?

    I have to admit, I’m both encouraged/inspired after reading your story, and a bit saddened/afraid to even dare hope that such a transformation would be possible for us. At this point, I would know where to begin, but honestly, I have little to lose.

    My sincerest thanks for any input that you may have (other than what I’ve already read on your blogs).

    • peacefulwife
      February 5, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

      Vincent,
      It is a pleasure to meet you!

      I believe that most wives, even Christian wives, are stuck in a very similar mindset to my old one, sadly. We have veered so far from God’s design for femininity, masculinity and marriage in our culture that things are a nightmare in our marriages today. :(

      For me, I really did love my husband and cared very much about him. I just had no idea how different he was from me, that he had different needs from mine, that he needed respect, what respect was, that I had idols in my heart, that I had pride in my soul. I was blind and deceived.

      However, I believe that if my husband had sat down with me and shared with me that I had deeply wounded him, I would have been mortified and really upset by that. I probably wouldn’t have taken it very well at first, but, I believe I would have wanted to fix things.

      Some wives are not as open. Some wives get highly offended if their husbands even hint at any criticism, no matter how constructive it may be.

      It will take God’s Spirit to open her eyes to her sin. But, as the God-given authority and leader in the home, you can gently, lovingly, firmly share your pain with her and tell her what you believe needs to happen. That will require great sensitivity to God’s Spirit.

      I can’t really give you advice as a man, what with me being a woman, and all. :) But, I can tell you some things I have seen other husbands do:

      - Suggest reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs together.
      - Tell her that he wants to begin to step up and lead and that he wants her to support his God-given leadership role by stepping down and learning to trust God and trust him.
      - Talk about God’s sovereignty and how she is not sovereign and that trying to control things is often a symptom of idolatry of self.
      - Give her a list of things at the top of my blog about what husbands find to be disrespectful/respectful
      - Tell her that you are hurting in the marriage (if you use words like “pain,” “hurt” and “feel unloved” she may relate more to that than that you feel “disrespected.”)
      - Tell her what you need and that the way things are has not been ok and sit down and read Ephesians 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3 and Titus 2:2-5 and share with her that you want to obey God’s Word and begin to find healing for both of your pain in the marriage.
      - Talk with her about your concern for how worried, afraid and fearful she is and then lead her through discussions and books/posts about God’s sovereignty and about how worry is a sin and what it means to truly submit to Christ as Lord and lay down control of our lives.

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

      • Vincent
        February 5, 2014 at 2:32 pm #

        Many thanks, PW! My fear is that such discussions will make her feel “judged” and go into shut-down mode. But perhaps I’m focusing too much on the short-term discomfort and not enough on the potential for long-term growth?

        She just seems so unreceptive and (seemingly) content with the status quo. But your advice “as a woman” is precisely what I need to hear. As I’ve said, she strikes me as being much like you, and while she may seem to be OK with the current state of things, she likely isn’t, and may be hiding a lot of pain and discontent. She is the prototypical “get highly offended” type — she’s right about everything, even when she’s not.

        She has said (fairly recently) in a couple’s marriage study we did that she wanted me to take more of a prominent leadership role in our home. But any attempts to do so are usually met with resistance and mistrust. I’m certainly not perfect, and I realize that with leadership, tough decisions need to be made, and ultimately, the buck stops with me (and I’m more than ready, willing, and able to accept that).

        But wives can make this job a soul-crushing burden, or a source of immense pleasure and pride for their husbands (I’ll never understand why some people think that a more Biblical model relegates wives to powerlessness — if anything it’s quite the opposite!).

        Kudos to you (and your husband) for finally getting to where you are now! And thank you for your thoughtful response, and for your ministry as a whole! :)

        • peacefulwife
          February 5, 2014 at 3:05 pm #

          Vincent,

          Wives don’t like criticism. I don’t know a way around that. Yes, it may make her feel upset and she may shut down. That is not the worst thing that could happen. You know what is worse? Not saying anything and allowing her to continue in her sin. You will be accountable for that. If you confront her gently, lovingly and truthfully and she won’t repent – that is between her and God primarily. But if you don’t confront her, she is probably not going to see her sin. Greg didn’t confront me. Things just kept getting worse – for 14.5 years. :( What if he had confronted me our first summer? Maybe I could have “woken up” then and we would have both been spared all those years of my sin. It is not a gift to your wife to ignore her sin – especially if she is a believer in Christ.

          She will thank you one day!

          Her happiness is not the ultimate goal here – pleasing Christ is.

          You are most welcome. :)

          • peacefulwife
            February 5, 2014 at 3:06 pm #

            PS – Vincent,

            Wives don’t respect men who cave into them and their feelings. She will respect you for doing what is right – even if it is painful at first.

            • Elle
              April 8, 2014 at 11:31 am #

              My question is did your husband not contribute anything negative to the marriage to steer it in the direction that is went? I can’t believe that the entire problem within your marriage lied in your disrespect and sins. Surely your husband is not a saint in this. If that is the case then how will my husband realise his ways of I only take the blame. Maybe I’m confused. If you can give me insight into what attitudes and behaviours your husband may have had that contributed to the problem then I may not feel so hopeless.

              • peacefulwife
                April 8, 2014 at 12:00 pm #

                Elle,
                Of course my husband contributed. In a marriage between two sinners, they both sin against each other. It is almost never all one person’s “fault” that a marriage is having problems. But I am only able to change myself – and even then, only with God’s help. I spent 14.5 years blaming my husband 100%. That got me nowhere. My power is in looking at what God commands me to do and what He wants me to change. I did not take blame for my husband’s sins. He is accountable to God for that. But I began to focus on my sins and the commands God gave me. I trusted God to deal with Greg.

              • peacefulwife
                April 8, 2014 at 12:02 pm #

                As I began to take responsibility for my sin, God began to speak to Greg and he eventually began to work on himself. But I had to stop criticizing, blaming, lecturing and condemning him before he could hear God’s voice.

                • Elle
                  April 8, 2014 at 12:08 pm #

                  Thank you so much for putting me at ease. Although my husband loves God, he is not close with him and I worry that might make a difference. But I need to trust God that he is greater than that and dispite where he is at with his walk, my prayers and attitude can change that. Thanks again!

                  • peacefulwife
                    April 8, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

                    Elle,
                    I didn’t think Greg was close to God at all when I started this. But when one spouse begins to obey God, it makes it easier for the other one eventually, too. :)

          • Vincent
            February 6, 2014 at 9:59 am #

            Good advice, all. Thank you!

            Too often, men are indoctrinated with the notion that the husband must, at all times, protect “harmony” in the home. Anything that might make anyone the slightest bit uncomfortable must be avoided at all costs.

            I have to come to terms with the fact that (A) to a large extent, I’ve tolerated the negative pattern in my marriage a lot longer than I should have (about 15 years), and (B) I have to stop looking for an easy way out.

            But I am willing to blow up what we have for the promise of something better and more God-honoring. It might not be pretty, but honestly, it has gotten to the point where I feel I have little to lose. I cannot bear the status quo any more, and I owe my family better than what we currently have.

            • peacefulwife
              February 6, 2014 at 10:21 am #

              Vincent,
              Godly leadership does require great strength, conviction, courage and willingness to stand for what is right in the eyes of God even when you stand alone at times.

              I don’t think you have to blow up your marriage to do this – thankfully – but it is scary to think about a gentle confrontation, because you have seen her react in the past.

              A controlling wife can be extremely scary when she gets angry. I was. Poor Greg!!!!!!

              Here is something that may be helpful.

              As you approach her, if you can hold her and hug her and reassure her of your love many times and use a soft, gentle tone of voice and talk about your pain and hurt -she will likely respond much more readily to that approach than to anger or distance.

              You can hold her hand, have her sit on your lap, have her lay beside you and embrace her in bed. And just whisper what your concerns are and what you want to see happen. It doesn’t have to be a long speech. Then, you can take her by the hand and pray with her for your marriage, for you to have godly wisdom and for God to be greatly honored in the marriage.

              These are suggestions that I think may be worth considering – so that she KNOWS you are on her team, that you are not attacking her, you are not looking at her as the enemy, but that you want to solve this problem together and you want to become the godly man Christ calls you to be.

              She will probably cry. That is not a big deal. She will stop eventually. If you are able to embrace her anger and emotions – as long as she is not getting violent with you – your reassurance and embrace and your willingness to move towards her will help her to understand that you love her. She needs your WORDS of love. She needs to hear you talk about why you love her and that you are NOT going to leave her, that you want to work through this together – that there is grace available to her and that you will be patient with her because you know that this is going to require a lot of big changes.

              Praying for you!!!!!!

              In Him,
              April

              • Vincent
                February 6, 2014 at 11:39 am #

                I couldn’t possibly thank you enough — both for your prayers, and for your insights. I knew something needed to be done (and still does, with both of us), but how to best go about doing it has been nagging me for far too long.

                And while I’m sure that much of what you discuss here is nothing really “new”, you do have an obvious gift when it comes to conveying many of these ideas effectively. For all of your caveats about not being a certified counselor (and I understand why you say that, of course), I do think that you’re uniquely qualified (not to mention blessed) to reach an audience badly in need of hearing this message!

                Please let us know if/when your book comes out! I want to be the first in line for an autographed copy! :D

                • peacefulwife
                  February 6, 2014 at 1:06 pm #

                  Vincent,

                  You are most welcome! This is difficult terrain – and it is a bit like having to reinvent the wheel after all the many decades of increasing godlessness in our culture, even in the church. MANY – probably – MOST husbands and wives are in the same position. You are certainly not alone!

                  I pray God will speak through me. It is only His wisdom that is of value. Please pray that He might accomplish His will through me to benefit His kingdom and His church!!!!

                  Ha!

                  An autographed copy! Hmmm… I will see what I can arrange for you! :)

              • Vincent
                February 7, 2014 at 11:22 am #

                Well, I gave this a try last night — let’s just say it didn’t go as well as I would have hoped. I’m starting to think that she doesn’t have a submissive or humble bone in her entire body. I tried my level best to be calm, loving, supportive, and reasonable, but everything just seemed to make her feel “attacked” and defensive.

                I just got Love & Respect and I’m working my way through it now. We’ll see what happens, but I’m just absolutely exhausted — mentally, spiritually, emotionally, you name it.

                Nevertheless, I do appreciate your help and your insights.

                • peacefulwife
                  February 7, 2014 at 1:33 pm #

                  Vincent,
                  In our sinful nature, no wife does have a submissive bone in her body.

                  • peacefulwife
                    February 7, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

                    Vincent,
                    If you want to talk more about things, let me know.

                    • Vincent
                      February 7, 2014 at 2:57 pm #

                      Thank you — that’s a very kind and gracious offer.

                      And I realize that you’re only getting one side of the story here — I have sin/faults aplenty myself. But she just will. not. let. go of her perceived perch atop the hierarchy of our family. She’s always been a bit of a bossy-pants, even before we met (and I knew this going in). But I can never figure out how much of the mistrust is her issue, or am I somehow not “earning” it.

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 7, 2014 at 3:48 pm #

                      Vincent,

                      In my experience, the control is based on idolatry of self and extreme fear. It probably has almost nothing to do with you.

                  • Vincent
                    February 7, 2014 at 2:47 pm #

                    Interesting — hadn’t thought of it that way…

                    • Johnny D. Mack
                      February 7, 2014 at 3:37 pm #

                      This is difficult for anybody to hear and accept, as I can tell you from the experiences that my wife and I are going through right now.

                      In my own experience, any hint of anger on the topic from me would result in my wife IMMEDIATELY shutting down. Nobody likes to get yelled at. Even if I didn’t feel like I was allowing her to see that I was angry, just BEING angry was enough for her to pick up on, even if I felt that I was hiding it fairly well.

                      It also took me repeated attempts at explaining my feelings to her as calmly and lovingly as possible, with repeated rejection of the ideas I was trying to present before she finally began to see that what I was trying to say had some truth in it.

                      For me, it was something like:

                      Me – “I’m feeling because of in our relationship”

                      Her – “I’m not trying to make you feel that way.”

                      Me – “But I’m telling you that I AM feeling that way.”

                      Her – “Well, then just stop feeling that way.”

                      It takes a lot of time and patience. And prayer. One of our issues was that I find myself reluctant to pray out loud in the ways that she thought I should and at the times she thought I should. What she didn’t realize is that I was praying in private over our relationship and our own personal issues. That prayer has been a major contributing factor in the healing that we are now experiencing.

                      It isn’t going to happen on the first attempt. Or the second. Or probably even the third.

                      Stick with it but always share your feelings when you are able to do it from a place of peace and out of a loving motive for the good of your relationship. Praying for your relationship in addition to my own!

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 7, 2014 at 3:54 pm #

                      Johnny D. Mack

                      Greg still doesn’t like to pray out loud with me. I used to pitch a fit about this! Now, I miss that we aren’t praying together. I really hope we will pray together one day. But I don’t pressure him. Every once in awhile I will ask him for prayer about a specific thing, but I don’t push him anymore.

                      What most husbands don’t know is that for wives, that spiritual connection of praying together is the most intimate thing there is and is very sexy to many of us! Not that turning her on should be your motive to pray – that would probably not fly with God.

                      If wives hear anger, or see stonewalling – they hear “he doesn’t love me” and they panic and go into extreme insecurity.

                      Love that conversation.

                      Wives almost never purposely try to disrespect their husbands. It is almost always unintentional. It is hard for a wife to wrap her mind around that her husband could feel hurt because she knows she loves him and didn’t try to hurt him. The fact that unintentional disrespect is just as painful (or almost as painful) to husbands as intentional disrespect is tough for wives to grasp at first. The things that speak “disrespect” to husbands are things that almost all wives do and most wives think they are small things. We see things from such an entirely different paradigm, and we don’t realize that you have a different world you live in – and how different the world of masculinity is. Most wives have NO CLUE how damaging the things they think nothing about -the little offhanded comments – can be to a man.

                      She probably has very good intentions towards you. She just doesn’t know what she doesn’t know – and she can’t relate to what you are saying because she doesn’t think that way and has probably never been exposed to these concepts before. It can be very overwhelming and shocking at first when a wife does “get it.” Most wives go silent for days, cry non-stop and wish they could go off somewhere by themselves because they do not want to hurt their husbands. It is devastating to find out that we have hurt our men.

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 7, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

                      Gentlemen,

                      IF you can talk with your wife about that you CAN forgive her and that you are able to extend grace, that may also help. And then, continue to show love as she processes what is going on. My suggestions – Smile at her. Send her love notes. Show her that you don’t hate her.

                      Most women tend to think that a husband’s love is very easily lost. If they don’t see and hear his love every day, that it has disappeared and they get very insecure because they don’t realize that is not how a husband’s love usually works.

                      A lot of wives also feel disconnected from their husbands if they don’t talk and “emotionally” connect each day. To many wives, they feel disconnected as their “neutral status” in the relationship, not feeling connected until there is emotional sharing. From what I understand, a lot of husbands feel emotionally connected all the time unless their wife is disrespectful.

                      Small things, like: putting your arm around her, holding her hand, turning off the tv and looking at her and listening to her heart – mean so much to most wives!

                      God is able to use your Christlike love to influence and bless your wife and may help her to be more open to listening to your concerns.

                      But – I believe your motive will have to be only to obey God and bless your wife – not to change her. Just like a wife must respect her husband even when he doesn’t change and become more loving, husbands are to love their wives no matter what their wives do. Unconditional love and unconditional respect are what God calls us to as husbands and wives, no matter what our spouse does.

                      Can’t remember if I shared the post my brother wrote “When My Spouse is Wrong” – VERY helpful!

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 7, 2014 at 4:09 pm #

                      Johnny D. Mack,

                      I think if you relate on her level, that may help.

                      Ask, what makes you feel unloved?

                      Let her list some things.

                      Can you just stop feeling unloved when I do those things? What do you need to happen when you feel unloved?

                      Let her answer.

                      I understand exactly! It is the same for me when I feel disrespected. I need you to hear me and understand that I feel disrespected and that I have the right to feel however I feel without being wrong. And I need to know that you are willing to change things so that I will feel more respected, just like you want me to change so you will feel more loved.

                    • Johnny D. Mack
                      February 7, 2014 at 4:06 pm #

                      Right. On. The Money.

                      So glad we’ve met you and Greg. :-)

                • peacefulwife
                  February 7, 2014 at 1:58 pm #

                  PS,
                  She may be able to hear this stuff from the book better than from you. Praying for y’all!

                  • Johnny D. Mack
                    February 7, 2014 at 3:38 pm #

                    Agreed. One of the major steps forward was when my wife began reading April’s blog and engaging her in conversation. It was definitely easier for her to hear it from someone else than it was for her to hear it from me. :-)

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 7, 2014 at 3:55 pm #

                      It is much easier for wives to hear this from another wife – and even from a book or another husband. That is why I love to share husbands’ stories. Because sometimes a wife can hear another husband’s heart and pain more easily than she can hear her own.

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 7, 2014 at 7:08 pm #

                      A man asked a question on today’s post about why wives have a hard time forgiving.

                      Here is my answer:

                      Goodness. That is an important and complicated question.

                      Here is my understanding, for whatever it is worth. I don’t think I can speak for all wives, but I am speaking for myself.

                      The things that were behind my unforgiveness were things like:
                      - I didn’t see myself as that bad of a sinner.
                      - I felt I could justify my sins, so they weren’t that bad.
                      - I didn’t believe my sins were as offensive to God as Greg’s sins. (And I was extremely blind to most of my own sin)
                      - I had SELF as god in my life – and I believed I was always right.
                      - PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE
                      - I subconsciously believed I was “above” having to forgive because I hadn’t sinned nearly as much as I had been sinned against. (in my mind)
                      - Really, I put myself above God in my heart because I knew God could forgive, and that He commanded me to forgive, but I didn’t think I should have to forgive.
                      - I cherished my bitterness and didn’t want to give it up.
                      - My memories of when Greg sinned against me were VERY VIVID, tied to extreme emotion, I could recall everything in the conversation, every word he said, every expression with total clarity, even years later. So, whenever a topic would come up, that whole scene would pop up instantly in my mind and all the emotion was just as intense as if it had just happened.
                      - I rehearsed his sins against me (and other people’s sins) over and over and over in my mind thousands and thousands of times. I didn’t want to. But I didn’t know how to make it stop. I would play tapes of the latest conflict I had had – with whomever it was most recently. The person’s words would just echo over and over. I would try to say I wasn’t going to think about it, and 2 seconds later it was playing non stop. It was torture! I didn’t know how to take my thoughts captive. I would also obsess over what I could have said or should have done.
                      - I couldn’t forgive myself. I hadn’t truly experienced the grace of Christ for my own sin, and I couldn’t offer what I didn’t have.

                      Maybe that is helpful?

                    • Johnny D. Mack
                      February 7, 2014 at 7:28 pm #

                      Once again, I think you’re spot on!

                      For the sake of the husbands that have seemingly invaded your comment areas, I think it’s important for us to remember that we can be guilty of these things as well. I know I have been. :-)

        • mcsprite
          February 5, 2014 at 3:16 pm #

          Vincent,

          I think if all you did was order the book Love and Respect and started reading it together that would be a great start. I don’t think she will / would feel judged by that. We are really enjoying the book and it’s written in a very, very balanced and thought provoking way.

          Gail

        • Johnny D. Mack
          February 5, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

          Vincent, my wife and I are in the beginning stages of transforming our own marriage in exactly the way you are hoping for. If April will forgive a bit of speculation, she and her husband are very blessed that she came to this realization on her own (even though it took her nearly 15 years to do so.)

          My wife and I are also blessed in a different way. We have only been married for 18 months and we are both beginning to wake up to the things we have both been doing wrong in our marriage. Yes, she has been wrong for being the controlling one in our relationship. But I have been equally wrong in allowing it to happen and reacting in anger at times rather than approaching her in a loving way about my feelings.

          April, in apology for not responding to your e-mail yesterday, the answer to the question you asked me is that I have absolutely no problem with your request. :-)

          Vincent, while the information on this blog is wonderful, even for husbands who find themselves on their own end of this particular marriage issue and I have made a habit of following the posts here myself, it is still primarily for women.

          So if April will forgive once again, I have begun a blog of my own aimed at exploring the issues that Christian men may face in their own relationships by exploring some of my own experiences. (This is being done with the full support and understanding of my wife. That’s a huge step!)

          If you are interested in engaging in conversations there as well as here, please feel free to visit my blog at kingdomfighters.blogspot.com

          God bless!

          P.S. It may not be pretty at first. For my wife and I, it has been a very painful experience on both ends. But we are both beginning to understand a little more about each other and how our marriage dynamic is supposed to work according to God’s plans and not our own.

          • peacefulwife
            February 5, 2014 at 7:52 pm #

            Johnny D. Mack,

            I am so excited about what God is doing in you and in your wife and marriage!!! And I am thrilled about your blog. Can’t wait to read it. :) I pray for God’s will, His power, His love, His timing, His strength, His grace and His glory for your marriage and for Vincent’s marriage, as well!

            • peacefulwife
              February 5, 2014 at 10:34 pm #

              Oh! And thanks, Johnny! I appreciate it. :)

          • Vincent
            February 6, 2014 at 10:04 am #

            “Yes, she has been wrong for being the controlling one in our relationship. But I have been equally wrong in allowing it to happen and reacting in anger at times rather than approaching her in a loving way about my feelings.”

            Nicely phrased, JDM! While times where I have reacted with overt anger have been few, my default reaction would have been plain ol’ passive-aggression. But regardless, either way, the negative cycle gets perpetuated.

            • Johnny D. Mack
              February 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

              I’m so glad to see your response for two reasons:

              1) It truly is a blessing to know that I’m not the only husband in the world that faces these issues. And that I’m not crazy!

              2) I believe engaging in these conversations is a good healing point for marriages that suffer from issues of this nature.

              April, If I may point out another high point for us that happened just this morning. My wife’s father called because he saw my initial blog posting. If you read the post I published three days ago it was an attempt to establish who Ashleigh and I are as individuals as well as a married couple.

              One of the issues we face in regards to disrespect is that we have both learned to live in constant fear for not doing anything that a member of her family may not like. Which contributes to me feeling as though I’m not allowed to lead in my own marriage.

              Apparently, her father somehow saw by blog and decided to take great offense to it. Even though it was in no way about him or directed towards him, and I made it very clear that it was about our own experiences. He took it upon himself to call my wife (rather than me, the husband of the home and the person who wrote the blog) and yell at her demanding that she force me to take it down.

              To my surprise and great delight, my wife calmly and lovingly told her father that she stands by my decision to share my experiences and that she was not only unwilling to force me to do anything, but that she was also unwilling to continue having conversations of this nature with him.

              HALLELUJAH! We are getting there. It’s still painful and frustrating beyond belief. But we are making progress. I think it’s important for the husbands to understand though, that it is not always just about the wife making a change.

              It’s a team effort in the case of our home and we are both learning how to tear down the bricks of a poorly built marriage and rebuild it according to God’s designs.

              • peacefulwife
                February 6, 2014 at 1:04 pm #

                Johnny,

                Wow! I am so proud of her for supporting you. That was quite a test.

                I’m really glad that she honored your leadership, even when her father was pressuring her. That is exciting. :) Especially knowing the background.

                I completely agree – it is not all about the wife changing. I only talk about what wives can do here because if I talk about what husbands should do
                1. I may violate scripture about women not having authority in the church over men – don’t want to do that!
                2. wives will tend to focus only on what husbands “should do” if there is any mention of that!
                3. wives just do better when we only focus on ourselves and God and allow God to handle our husbands.

                When BOTH spouses are actively working on this – the healing and maturation happens MUCH more quickly! That is beautiful!

                Blogging can get really sticky – I try to not talk about any extended family members ever or any other friends or people I know. My dad reads my blogs, my MIL reads them sometimes, my friends and church members and SIL read them – I don’t ever want to paint anyone I know in a derogatory light or disrespect them in public. And I am SUPER DUPER careful about what I share about Greg. I don’t share anything without checking with him if I am concerned it could be an issue.

                • Vincent
                  February 6, 2014 at 3:27 pm #

                  PW — “I only talk about what wives can do here because if I talk about what husbands should do, I may violate scripture about women not having authority in the church over men – don’t want to do that!”

                  I don’t see it this way at all. You are a woman who is truly seeking to understand the Lord and His teachings. Offering insights (and even instruction) is not the same thing as “having authority” over men (in my eyes anyway). The truth of God’s word doesn’t change because of the gender of the agent delivering that truth. By reminding us of what God’s Word has to say in these matters, you’re not telling anyone what they should do — He is (through you).

                  Honestly, I think that part of the reason that your blog really resonates with me is precisely because it’s written from a female perspective, and much of what you write comes from personal experience. In my situation, I really can’t think of anyone who could offer more inspired and experiential wisdom than a Godly woman (especially one who sounds a LOT like my wife).

                  • peacefulwife
                    February 7, 2014 at 4:11 pm #

                    Vincent,

                    I do believe I may have insights and encouragement to offer to my brothers – it is my prayer that I may be able to do that if it is helpful. But I definitely do not seek to speak as one in authority over any men. I hope only to offer a perspective of a wife who has been through this and to help husbands understand what may be happening in their wives’ hearts.

                    • Vincent
                      February 13, 2014 at 10:12 am #

                      And an update — I just finished L&R. What a wonderful resource! Chapter 19 (“Insight”) hit me like a ton of bricks! I don’t think I’ve ever read something that helped me put such “definition” to what I was feeling so effectively.

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 13, 2014 at 11:11 am #

                      Vincent,
                      I am so glad to hear that Love and Respect was so helpful. It sure opened my eyes! I thank God for what He showed Dr. Eggerichs and his willingness to share with all of us!

              • mcsprite
                February 6, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

                Johnny D Mack,

                I’m just curious really… Did your father in law not see the irony with regard to taking offense to the blog post, calling your wife and demanding she have you take it down? I mean, his actions did in fact validate the posts truthfulness…

                Gail

                • Johnny D. Mack
                  February 6, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

                  Gail, did you read my post? :-)

                  I agree with you that he did essentially confirm the example that I used at one point in the article. And I also believe that his response helped to confirm the truth of my statement in my wife’s eyes.

                  April, I absolutely appreciate and agree with your approach to this blog and I LOVE that you have it out there. And the fact that your content is rightfully geared towards a female audience, in combination with the fact that I have learned that there are other husbands out there that need the sort of support and validation that I’ve received through your blog, that we husbands may also benefit from a platform on which to explore and relate to one another.

                  I love the tips you gave about not making specific mention of anybody specific in your blogging and I’m attempting to do the same in my own articles.

                  You’re right though, it does most certainly get sticky at times, especially when you’re exploring marriage dynamics that can be affected by outside influences.

                  I am however, trying to make my own articles more about my personal experiences and how they may relate to others and I’m certainly making it a point not to share anything about my wife without her approval.

                  This has been such a wonderful learning experience!

                  • peacefulwife
                    February 6, 2014 at 3:02 pm #

                    Johnny D. Mack,

                    I read your post! I think you have a lot of very insightful things to say already. Our whole approach to marriage and preparing for marriage in the church is such a nightmare today. :( We have veered very far from God’s Word and His truth. But – I do understand why your FIL would be upset. I am not sure how you can completely separate the teachings you see that are unbiblical from the people in the family. That will be difficult. I trust God will give you wisdom about what to share and what not to.

                    There are, in my estimation, millions of Christian marriages that are in a similar quandary. We have all been so influenced by our culture, we don’t even realize what to question.

                    I am seeing a dramatic increase in Christian husbands and single men seeking to discover what godly masculinity truly means. It is wonderful! Such an answer to prayer!

                    My desire is to see God raise up at least one couple in every church of His around the world to demonstrate a biblical pattern for marriage and to teach it – and how to truly submit to Christ as Lord.

                    I also have a post about that there will most certainly be opposition. There has been for us! Sometimes, people get REALLY, REALLY upset about anyone teaching God’s Word about marriage. Especially certain women. It can get brutal at times.

                    Do Not Expect Outside Support

                    Thankfully, we answer to Christ alone. I pray that He will direct us and that we might live and walk in obedience to Him in all things, and that He might find us faithful when we stand before Him.

                    • peacefulwife
                      February 6, 2014 at 3:04 pm #

                      Oh, and Greg, my husband, has a blog – I can’t remember if I told you about that. :) http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com.

                    • Johnny D. Mack
                      February 6, 2014 at 3:54 pm #

                      I did not know that Greg had a blog as well. I will most certainly become a subscriber!

                      In terms of my own blog, I also agree that it will be difficult to separate what I hope to convey without “making an example” out of people. That is in no way my intention.

                      The approach that I am trying to take with it is by presenting an objective view of my personal experiences as the man in my own relationship without spending too much time dwelling on the outside influences.

                      We are still learning to walk out God’s plans for our marriage instead of the wishes and desires of extended family influences and personal issues from our individual path’s. But we are learning!

                      Thank you again to you and Greg. Going to follow his blog right now! :-D

  24. Amy -West Virginia
    March 18, 2014 at 11:51 am #

    I truly believe this is how a marriage should work. Both the husband and the wife have a roll to play. Not everyone can be the leader. The husband should consider the wife’s feelings and opinions as if they were his own….and a beautiful marriage will blossom. God gave us each our own role to play for a purpose. I believe there would be a much lower divorce rate if more people would just be open to this and women would not feel inferior because of it. A woman’s role in a marriage and motherhood is beautiful and sacred if she would only embrace it. There is nothing wrong with letting your husband lead and you and the children follow as long as he is leading you with Godly decisions. It gives the husband the respects he longs for, and the wife the comfort and intimacy she longs for. I love to find other women who feel this way. Your blog is awesome!

    • peacefulwife
      March 18, 2014 at 11:58 am #

      Amy,
      It’s great to meet you!

      I can’t begin to say what a treasure God’s design for marriage is. His ways have brought our marriage such peace, joy, intimacy, strength, and beauty.

      Thank you very much for sharing! I can’t wait to get to know you better! :)

      • Amy -West Virginia
        March 18, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

        It is very nice to meet you also. It took quite a bit of work for me to actually come to this conclusion….as I am very strong willed and was raised by a lady who was in charge of everything. My Father has been gone for almost 10 years now, but she never gave that man a break haha. I am a Mother of four (2 boys 2 girls) and I stay at home. My husband is a very take charge person….and very strong willed. We had many fights at first because of this. We both were trying to be in control of everything. I sat down one day to figure out what the best solution to this was…and it was as if God spoke to me and said….you need to play your role, and let him play his. So I started to study. I still mess up….there are days when I don’t agree with anything he says. It is a work in progress. He is floored by my new way of thinking, because he has known me all of his life (his mother was my Sunday school teacher)……and he knows I am not a submissive person haha. I realize now that it added to my frustration and anxiety. Must be the red hair on this stubborn head of mine! I will pray for your marriage and you please pray for mine. :) I am reading more of your blogs right now! I love it!

        • peacefulwife
          March 18, 2014 at 1:08 pm #

          Amy,

          Oh goodness, it took me a LONG, LONG time to figure this stuff out! I was SO strong-willed, too! My husband was more passive. He just handed me control because it was “easier” than fighting against me all the time. Unfortunately, I thought he agreed with me about everything, I had no idea I was disrespecting him and being so controlling. :(

          I’m so glad to hear how God spoke to you!

          Thankfully, biblical submission doesn’t mean we have to agree. :) I’ve got a post about that! :)

          This stuff didn’t come naturally to me, either. I had being in control, my husband, self, my way, feeling loved, being happy, romance, etc…. as idols in my heart. That was pretty intense to have to rip it all out and repent of my MOUNTAIN of pride and self-righteousness and bitterness and rebuild my identity and faith and womanhood and marriage on Christ and His Word alone.

          I will be happy to pray for your marriage! For God’s greatest glory and for His power for you both, that His purposes and His will might be mightily accomplished through you and your marriage and family. :)

          • Amy -West Virginia
            March 18, 2014 at 1:25 pm #

            I suppose I should have elaborated on the agreeing thing. To me….when something he does, says, decides, etc. doesn’t line up with how I want things to be, it turns to anger…and anger turns to my mouth flying open and spewing venom…..I have always had an awful time with my temper…..and it drives me insane. I’ve been doing a lot of praying about that. I really have a strong drive in me that says take control, make the decision because he doesn’t know what he is doing……and that is such a hard thing to control. I wish I could disagree peacefully haha. I do sometimes, but other times I spew those nasty words and try to take over. I just need a better approach I think. I am trying to rip those things out of my heart also. It’s tough to admit that you are wrong and begin working on yourself. Anyhow I’ll quit blowing up your blog. Again, I so love this site. I am excited! :)

            • peacefulwife
              March 18, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

              Amy,
              You can message me any time!

              I have had to learn these exact same things, too. I have posts about this, as well!

              Submitting Under Protest

              And, I think you will really like the posts at the top of my home page about biblical submission, respect and disrespect.

              Also, “FAQs”

              And “Stages of This Journey”

              I also have a youtube channel “April Cassidy” with about 65 videos on various topics related to this stuff.

              You CAN learn to share your heart respectfully – it takes the power of God’s Spirit and a lot of practice! But you can do it! It’s like learning a new language. But it is so worth it!
              Much love!

  25. Mark
    March 30, 2014 at 5:54 pm #

    Hey Guys; This is amazing and enlightning beyond imagination for me…the more I have read or watched the videos the more it has sounded like almost a mirror image of “most” of the problems that my wife AND I have been having for some time now!!! I actualy talked her into; us going to a counsler. We both recognized problems but didn’t know how to react to them. It has really magnified since I got back from my last deployment to Afghanistan. The quandry I find myself in is “How do I get my wife to watch with an open mind?” I don’t want to seem to push her into watching. I really want it to be her idea so she will not have a defensive wall up. Any suggestions would be appreciated?!?!?

    • peacefulwife
      March 31, 2014 at 6:28 am #

      Mark,

      It’s great to meet you. :)
      I am praying for wisdom for you!

      Some husbands print a post from the top of my home page about respect or disrespect and ask their wives to read that. Sometimes it works, sometimes wives are not receptive.
      Some husbands offer to do something their wives will appreciate every day (be more affectionate, help more with chores, give more compliments) in return for their wives reading my blog.
      Some husbands just pray.
      Some husbands get the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and invite their wives to read with them.
      Some husbands just read here themselves and begin to understand how to approach their wives in a more effective way after they see more of the depth and scope of the issues involved spiritually and emotionally.
      Some husbands start with a less direct post, i.e. “Spiritual Causes of Anxiety and Depression” because most wives, even if they don’t realize they are disrespectful/controlling DO know they are anxious or depressed and afraid.

      Maybe these ideas might be helpful. :)

    • mcsprite
      March 31, 2014 at 5:07 pm #

      Mark,

      Just an idea here, why don’t you order the book Love and Respect and read it together. I think it would be non-intimidating way to lead into her reading April’s blogs, watching the videos and participating in discussions and sharing experiences with an open mind. There’s a lot of information for both of you to work on in that book.

      My husband was always trying to come up with ideas on how we could communicate better so I had him order the book. Some of it for us was a little backwards but he addresses that in the book. Still, if I had a nickel for everytime we were reading something and my husband said, “Yeah but you’re the one that stonewalls or your the one that does whatever”… I’d have a sock full of nickels to hit him with.. :-)

      Still, the concept is right and eyeopening for both the wife and the husband. The basic premise of the book and the tools you can used that are discussed do help.. Personally, I think it will ease her mind and help her understand that she can do this without being a doormat. Approach her with the book first. It’s a good idea anyway to read at least 1 book a year together to improve your marriage each year. Couples can at least invest time to read 1 book a year together..

      Gail

  26. Mark
    April 1, 2014 at 9:32 am #

    Thanks, its on the way. I have to remember that no matter how much I feel wronged I know that I do wrong also…now I try and make sure I see it from both perspectives. The longer we have been at odds in our relationship the harder it is to do that-but; I think its even harder except in hind site to see where you are heading till it gets severe!

    • peacefulwife
      April 1, 2014 at 9:46 am #

      Mark,
      That is the book that God used to open my eyes! It has powerful truths of scripture in a very understandable presentation. I’m so glad you will be reading it! I’m praying for you both. It is always easiest to feel the hurts we have suffered more than the hurts we have caused. I pray for healing for you both!!!!

      • mcsprite
        April 1, 2014 at 11:17 am #

        April,

        The book really is full of just the most simple changes in communication that a couple could possibly make. But the thing that struck my husband and I the most was just the simple concept of starting with the premise that your spouse is good willed. We both have always believed that the other was good willed but never applied that knowledge to situations where we were annoyed with one another. That one thought alone can stop either of us from attacking the other..

        Mark (my husband Mark) has actually started conversations about finances with the statement, “Before I talk to you about this, remember I’m good willed”.. LOL.

        • peacefulwife
          April 1, 2014 at 11:19 am #

          Gail,

          That was a revolutionary concept for me, too, to believe Greg was good willed towards me. It has keep our marriage on such an even keel if I am not making assumptions that he has evil motives just because he acts differently from how I would act.

          Yes, this book is a great place to start. I needed a lot more detail personally, after reading this book, but it was such a good beginning point. :)

  27. valor
    April 10, 2014 at 8:04 am #

    hope i can find a woman that agrees with the surrendered wife’s philosophies. having such a complete and utter trust and commitment from the woman i love would certainly encourage and inspire me to become the best man i can be for her sake as well as for the family. how might a person go about introducing a woman to these ideas?

    • peacefulwife
      April 10, 2014 at 9:28 am #

      Valor,
      I have a blog for single women, too, http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com. And I have a Youtube channel “April Cassidy.”

      I wish that Christian women were all raised with godly examples from their parents and from those around them and weren’t impacted by the godless ideas of our culture and had 18+ years of training in God’s wisdom and His design for marriage. But – that is very sadly, not usually the case. These ideas can seem very shocking and even offensive at first to women who have been raised in our culture. Unfortunately, respecting our husbands and having a gentle and peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear and honoring our husband’s leadership and trusting God completely are all things that go totally counter to our sinful natures as women, totally counter to our culture and to what we have seen in most of our families and friends’ lives and in the media. Women can read these ideas, but until God opens their eyes, they may not accept them.

      Praying for wisdom for you!

  28. boycottingmarriage
    May 15, 2014 at 7:07 pm #

    If even half of your story is true, I can only imagine the joy that is yours daily. This is the stuff dream families are made of. I am raising 5 kids in the peoples republic of Kalifornia , dealing with courts, custody evaluators, private detectives, child welfare services, 7 (yes SEVEN) attorneys and have spent over half a million dollars in 3 years all because my ex-wife would not accept this simple truth. She refused to attend my church. Funny huh? Brother, you must hold a special place in the eyes of Almighty God. Enjoy each day with her.

    • peacefulwife
      May 15, 2014 at 10:07 pm #

      Boycotting marriage,

      I hate that I didn’t “get it” for the first 14.5 years of our marriage. And I was so frustrated that even once I saw my mountain of sin, that it took 2.5 years before I began to have any clue how to stop all the disrespect and what it meant to respect Greg. But I thank ago every day for opening my eyes. I couldn’t open them myself. I was so blind. :( and I am very thankful for the chance to try to make things right after I had caused my husband so much pain for so many years. How I long to see every marriage flourish and thrive and every couple to experience the beauty and blessing and intimacy that is ours when we obey God and seek to follow His design and wisdom.

      Thanks for your support and encouragement!

    • Kevin
      September 2, 2014 at 12:00 am #

      Boy I hear that brother, every day I step in the door there is a fire breathing monster screaming and swearing at my son. These peoples marriage sounds amazing, too bad gods plans are only for a chosen few. Cause I am all over this stuff.

      • Peacefulwife
        September 2, 2014 at 7:59 am #

        Kevin,

        God desires ALL people to come to Him! That certainly includes you and your wife!! You are both precious in His sight. I pray that you and your wife might experience the love, grace, hope, mercy, forgiveness, strength, power, peace and joy that come from following Jesus and from receiving Him as both your Savior and your Lord.

  29. Trina
    May 18, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    I have prayed for guidance , answers , peace, whatever it may be …. I was led here . I am so confused and heartbroken. Fiancé of 2 years lied to me a lot about doing drugs behind my back and other lies that he should have just told me the truth about. Went to jail jan 2013 got out mar 2014 went back July 2013 and just got home may 2014. ( mind you we have been together since feb 2012… Not long at all. We got to know one another more while he was gone the second time, talking over the phone and writing. Since he came home 2 weeks ago he has lime a few times to me and took a few more
    Pain pills than necessary (was in ER lastnight ) and I just flipped out. I can’t stand j

    • Trina
      May 18, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

      Lies- I can’t I can’t – I can’t stand drugs and alcohol. I can’t stand for someone to be irresponsible . Yet I am judging him instead of loving him. :(
      I’m scared for him I want him to do the right thing I want to marry him and be forever happy…. I have the book Love and Respect… I guess I start reading it …. I want to save my relationship and be there for him… :/

      • peacefulwife
        May 18, 2014 at 5:37 pm #

        Trina,

        It is wonderful to meet you!!!

        You have a very difficult situation. :( please don’t step into marriage with a man who is actively addicted to drugs or alcohol. It would be a nightmare. :( let him get straight with God and himself. You can’t fix him or change him. My prayer is for you to focus on your walk with Christ and to seek wise, biblical, godly counsel.

        Praying for you both! For God’s greatest glory in your lives!

  30. jols
    June 4, 2014 at 6:15 pm #

    Debie Pearl_ another Source od coumselling in Her book THE WOMAN YOUR HUSBAND DESIRES 😊

  31. Molly
    June 15, 2014 at 1:25 am #

    Thank you respected husband and peaceful wife for sharing your story on how God brought freedom and joy in your marriage. I like you, peaceful wife struggle with being controlling of my husband and dominating. My husband is struggling with depression now and I think my critical spirit towards him, in our first years of marriage have contributed to that. Please keep posting! I need to hear these things and if you think about it, please pray for my husband and I as his depression is a real battle in his life and in our marriage.

  32. Bella
    June 27, 2014 at 10:40 am #

    This is so very beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I have that book but never quite got through it. I shall begin again.

  33. Elise
    July 14, 2014 at 7:07 am #

    I am a bit confused about the book you are advocating here. This post is WONDERFUL!! As I am growing and desiring to fufill my role as a wife and mother the way The Lord has designed it! I was so excited to purchase, the surrendered wife, however I was pretty discouraged when I looked more into the author and saw some articles she had written. I am guessing this
    Is not a Christian book? Did you (peaceful wife) just find it helpful and apply your own wisdom and knowledge of the Word of God to make such a radical change??? Thanks so much! And thank you to your husband for sharing his perspective! Jesus is Lord!

    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

      Elise,

      I had to filter out a LOT of the unbiblical messages in the book. One of the reasons I wanted to blog for women (and just finished writing my first book, hope to have it published in a year or two), is that there weren’t many Christian books that had practical advice and how to change thinking in ways I needed to understand.

      Yes, I applied God’s Word, filtered out the ungodly stuff and evaluated each statement by God’s Word and used the stuff that lined up with God’s Word as I trashed the things that were not honoring to Christ.

      Much love!

  34. Kevin
    September 1, 2014 at 11:55 pm #

    Okay got it. So if a wife practices some sort of obedience or respect to a husband, it is as if she is treating Jesus himself that way? And likewise the man must take on being responsible for everything every family member does? So kinda like how Christ took on the sins of the world, so must man suffer under his family, paying the price for every decision good or bad? I am all in. But I have to tell you, my wife does not believe in anyone being the boss of her, whew.

    • Peacefulwife
      September 2, 2014 at 7:58 am #

      Kevin,

      A wife who seeks to be fully submitted to Christ as Lord will then show respect to her husband and honor her husband’s leadership because of her love, obedience, devotion and reverence for Christ Jesus. She wants to obey and please God. God commands her in Ephesians 5:22-33, Titus 2:3-5, Colossians 3:!8, I Peter 3:1-6 and I Corinthians 11:3 to biblically submit to her husband, to respect him, to honor him as the God-given head of the home. God does not say, “Wives must respect their husbands IF they believe their husbands are worthy of respect.” Ephesians 5 just says “wives must respect their husbands.”

      A husband who seeks to be fully submitted to Christ as Lord will show the love of Jesus, the selflessness, the self-sacrifice, the humility and wisdom of God to his wife and family because of his love, obedience, devotion to and reverence for Christ. He wants to obey and please God. God has commands for husbands, too, in Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:19, I Peter 3:7, I Corinthians 11:3, and of course the kind of love God commands husbands to love their wives with (and all believers to love others with) is the agape love of God – I Corinthians 13:4-8.

      A husband is responsible to lead the family well and he will answer to God. A wife can choose to rebel against him and can refuse to follow and can refuse to submit. She has free will. But a husband can continue to do what God calls him to do, praying for his wife, seeking God’s wisdom and God’s direction and praying for her relationship with Christ for as long as it takes until God opens his wife’s eyes and she repents.

      If a wife doesn’t believe in biblical submission, that presents quite a challenge. A leader does need someone to follow him. That is where a husband must spend much time in prayer, seeking and pleading with God to work to open his wife’s spiritual eyes to Himself, to her sin, to His Word and to His design for marriage.

      Is she a believer in Christ?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      Would she be willing to read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs with you? That was the book that God used to first open my eyes.

      Praying for you!

      With the love of Jesus, my brother,

      April

  35. halfjack
    September 5, 2014 at 3:46 am #

    I love this web.. Me and my fiance just started reading it, and its very effective in our relationship. I’m starting to see a new person in her.. This web is really from God. Thanks again

    • Peacefulwife
      September 5, 2014 at 8:05 am #

      halfjack,
      You are most welcome! This is the stuff I sure wish I had understood 20 years ago before we got married!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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