I Have Hurt My Husband Deeply. Now What?

So you realize now that you have deeply wounded your husband by sinning against him and God with your disrespect and trying to control him.
WHAT NEXT?
You are not responsible for his actions, his emotions, his response, his relationship with God, his sin, his disobedience, his forgiveness.
You are only responsible for your sin, your actions, your emotions, your responses, your relationship with God, your obedience, your forgiveness.
 
Part of living by faith is that we will step back and allow God to work on your husband.  And the awesome thing is that if you are willing to do things God’s way, it will make it much easier for your husband to forgive you.  There is no guarantee.  But you, from now on, can become more and more the woman God wants you to be.  As you sin less and are controlled by God’s Spirit, your husband will be more drawn to God and to you.
But if you are doing this to change or control your husband, it SO will not work!  Do this because you love God, you want to put HIm first in your life, you want His will, His glory and His approval.  Do this because you love Jesus more than anything else in all the world and want to be close to HIm and know and love Him more and more.  If you combine this pure desire for Him with humility before Him, acknowledging the severity of your sin – you are blessed. You are “poor in spirit”  and that is where you have to be to start this journey.
So…
FIRST
Repent to God for all the sins you can think of.  This may take weeks, maybe even months.  Repent for every sin, every ungodly thought, every bitter root, every unforgiveness, every critical spirit, every bit of pride and self-righteousness, every malicious thing you said, every hateful thought and word and deed.  Focus on your utter sinfulness.
Read Psalm 51 and pray along with David.
THEN
Repent to your husband.
Tips – be brief.  DO NOT JUSTIFY OR EXPLAIN YOUR DISRESPECT, CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR or ANY SIN.  Of course you have reasons for why you sinned.  He has reasons for why he sinned against you too.  But having reasons for our sin does not excuse our sin.  When we explain why we sinned against our husband, it sounds like disrespect and like we believe we were right to do what we did.  Then we need to apologize AGAIN!
I would suggest apologizing in person if possible.  When he is calm and things are not crazy and you have a few minutes alone.
I would say something like, ” Honey, I realize that I have sinned against God and against you.  I have been so disrespectful to you and God commands me to respect you because you are my husband.  I was wrong.  And I have been very controlling and tried to be in charge and fought your God-given leadership in our marriage.  I was very wrong.  I repent.  I want to learn to be a godly, respectful, submissive wife and honor God and you in our marriage.”
He may react in a variety of ways:
- he may be totally quiet.  If so, that is ok!  It may take him days or weeks to process this.  And he will be watching your behavior and attitude for MONTHS to see if you are for real.
- he may cry and tell you how wounded he is because of your sin against him.  If so, please listen, agree you were wrong, hurt with him.  Don’t turn on him.  Don’t make it about your hurt.  Focus on his hurt.
- he may get angry and start telling you all the ways you disrespect him.  That’s ok.  don’t argue!  Listen.  He may tell you things that you need to work on, so be open to hearing and be willing to change.
Wait a few minutes, if he doesn’t say anything, thank him for listening.  Hug and kiss him if he will let you, and move on.
Here is a video about apologizing to our husbands

19 Comments on “I Have Hurt My Husband Deeply. Now What?”

  1. cj
    March 5, 2013 at 9:15 am #

    This one was hard to read. Good stuff but hard. I used to try to let my wife know when her words/actions were disrespectful. If I said it verbally it would usually heighten the argument and eventually I would just get quiet or leave the room. I figured out that sometimes it would be better to write a well thought out letter. Not in an angry tone but too the point and true to how I really felt. Some days would pass and I might get an apology, either verbal or written, but it would always be like “Oh I’m sorry for xyz, BUT you did abc….” Often abc had nothing to do with xyz but seemed like an attempt to find something to blame me for. I am wondering how many men have gone through this. I found my self apologizing for abc just to seem fair and keep the peace but on the inside I’m angry and hurt.

    I realize a person will only truly apologize when they really understand what they have done wrong. The list is great because alot of them apply. More than I am wanting to admit. As a Christian man I know the power of forgiveness and grace and try my best to live by that and be the example. But I’m also dealing with the resentment and anger over years of this (married 20 years). This is the hard part. I know many men who go thru this. Most are divorced now and we share our experiences and hurts (which I recommend to all men..we aren’t alone brothers).

    I still pray about it everyday but wondering if there is a suggestion to deal with the years of resentment? I’m far from perfect but I know how things should be to make the family work, but its a far way off…

    CJ

    • peacefulwife
      March 5, 2013 at 11:14 am #

      CJ,
      My husband has a post on http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com about my post We Can Put Our Husbands in a Lose/Lose Situation You may find it to be helpful. His post was probably published on 1-31 or 2-1-13.

      I have some posts for women about bitterness, but if you want to look at them, you certainly may:

      bitterness is toxic

      Exploring the Depths of Bitterness

      Be Still, My Bitter Heart

      Finding God’s Victory over Bitterness

      And one thing that helps me to forgive is to think like Jesus did as He was being crucified, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” Disrespectful and controlling wives DO NOT realize what they are doing. If they did understand what they were actually doing, they would stop and act with mature, Christlike love. They are held captive by the enemy. They live miserable lives of loneliness, despair, worry, anxiety and fear. They desperately need someone to unlock the prison door and take them by the hand and lead them out into God’s glorious light!

      Sometimes if husbands can express their pain as “hurt” or feeling “unloved” women might get it more easily. If you talk about feeling disrespected, most women don’t understand. And most disrespectful women believe respect must be earned. That is true in the world of business, but it is a command for wives in marriage. Because that is the way that men work and what they need. I do hope you can see that your wife’s disrespect and controlling behavior is external evidence of the way she treats God. In my experience, wives treat their husbands exactly the same way they treat God. It is her relationship with Him that must be restored first.

      Praying for you!

  2. Todd
    March 6, 2013 at 12:45 am #

    I am on the other side. I have a wife that does not respect me and when I try to talk to her about she gets dismissive and insulting. If I point out what the Bible she accuses me of twisting God’s word to get my way. I am at my wits end. I love my wife very much and try to show her that I do. I even ask how I can show her more and her response is to quit bugging her with this stuff.
    I guess what I am asking is how to communicate this to her in a way that she will understand. If you could write on that it would make me most grateful.

  3. Mark Coleman
    July 21, 2013 at 7:41 pm #

    Why did my wife hurt me so much, I gave her everything, I have the power to forgive, but she will not even try? I am lost, hurt and feel like a part of me has died.

    • peacefulwife
      July 21, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

      Mark
      I am SO sorry you are in so much pain. :(.
      Lord,
      I lift up Mark and his wife to You. You know the situation and You care very much about their marriage and their family. Give Mark Your wisdom to lead his family with the power of Christ and His love, mercy and grace. Open their eyes to be able to see the situation and themselves the way You do. Draw them both closer to You than ever. Bring healing, reconciliation and holiness out of this difficult mess. I pray You might bring great glory to Yourself ultimately, Lord!
      In the Name and power of Christ,
      amen!

  4. Pam
    September 9, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

    Peacefulwife,
    I read this with a very heavy heart yet joy to know there is help! My husband and I just celebrated our 15th year of marriage and I thought we were deeply in love. Yet with words and action my husband said he no longer had any feelings for me. I’ve been so critical and judgmental plus denied him over and over in bed. Yet, I thought he’d love me no matter what (he said he does love me though). Right before this I was so angry all the time and taking it out on him. Not my world is shattered. I can still love on him but he’s got a high wall up that he said he can’t get over right now…he’s afraid of rejection again. I’m becoming a new creature in God and unlike before all I want to hug him all the time (I never did this before). He said it just doesn’t feel natural. But I’m also sooooo very jealous and never was before. I can’t enjoy our time out (esp. at the waterpark) thinking everytime he looks at the women that he is desiring them. Or when he goes to work as a detective that I’m so jealous of the women he has to privately deal with. I pray and seek God but the devil keeps attacking. I have a wonderful husband who showed me so much love all day everyday and since it’s gone my world has spun out of control. I want God to heal our marriage but I’m having a hard time relaxing and dealing with this new insecurity. I know it was God that sent your blog to me…stumbled on it!
    God Bless,
    PH

    • peacefulwife
      September 9, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

      Pam,

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      I am so sorry that you were not able to find this information out sooner. But our God is able to heal, even very broken situations. He can bring joy from mourning and beauty from ashes.

      If you haven’t already, please read the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect, respect and sexual attraction, and biblical submission.

      Do both of you have a relationship with Christ?

      Have you apologized for rejecting him and for any disrespect/control?

      If not, I would suggest you apologize. I have a youtube video about how to apologize on my channel “April Cassidy.”

      You are welcome to talk with me if you want to before you apologize.

      It is going to take TIME for wounds this deep to heal. Many months if not years. There are no guarantees your husband will feel safe enough to share his heart and body with you again. But if you ask God to change you and you seek to please HIM above all else – not to change your husband – God may do miracles. He will certainly change you – and that is the most important place to start.

      Let God handle your husband’s sin and temptation. And you focus on the sin in your own life. That is probably going to keep you pretty busy. ‘

      I Peter 3:1-6 is your most powerful and godly approach to your husband right now.

      I’m glad to talk if you want to talk more. :) Much love to you.

  5. Marcus
    April 28, 2014 at 6:01 am #

    I wish my wife would read this but anytime any article or scripture points out her wrong it seems that she just ignores it. She hurts me so much with the cutting things she says and when I try to tell her all she does is tell me to “man up” or she turns it around about her. She controls everything in the house and undermines anytime I try to lead but when she wants something she throws the “you are the leader of the house” at me. I’ve asked her to do something for me as my help-meet and she bluntly refused because “I don’t feel you need that and as a man you have to deal with that yourself. Why should you need encouragement. That’s your job so just do it”.

  6. Shining Star
    July 7, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

    I HAVE HURT MY HUSBAND BADLY, AND EVEN MADE HIM THINK THAT I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WHICH I WAS NOT HAVING. BUT I DISRESPECTED HIM AND HE IS SO ANGRY I MEAN VERY ANGRY IT CAN CAUSE US OUR MARRIAGE TO BREAK. WE HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS WE ALL LOVE THEM SO MUCH. HOW CAN I APOLOGIZE TO HIM IN A MANNER HE WILL FORGIVE ME?

    • Tabitha
      July 9, 2014 at 4:55 am #

      Shining star,
      Oh dear that is tough. I will try give you some advice. First try not to panik, though the harm is done we do have an awesome God. Put your fear and trust in Him first. Here on this blog are some awesome testimonies of His power.
      You need to repent to your husband and to God be totally honest as to why you made you husband believe that you had an affair. But try to be brief. And not flush him with words.
      He may grow awfully silent, or distant, he may have need of quite some time to react or to let you know how he feels or what he wants. Try to rest in Gods mercy, do not try to drag a reaction out of your man but after you honestly repented stay quiet. Listen to Him and use any time you have to learn all you can about respect. If he gets distant and silent you will have to fight you fears and your need to try to make him talk.
      I would say to myselve something like. God I am fearfull but I know you live within me through Your holy Spirit. I trust You. You give me strength my peace comes from you.
      These words have helped me these passed weeks and brought me to great inner peace. I have to wilfully seek that peace moment by moment but trust in the Lord does give me just that and it is from this inner peace strength will come.
      Strength to be honest and to stay calm.
      I will pray for you now. God does work miracles he has been doing in my heart and is changing me. Even so much that my husband looked with amazement at me a couple of days ago, and said, wow I guess I may call that a miracle. About something I did right for the first time in a long long time.
      Trust i the Lord dear sister

    • Tabitha
      July 9, 2014 at 5:36 am #

      From aprils post I cut this piece of advice:
      “Tips – be brief.  DO NOT JUSTIFY OR EXPLAIN YOUR DISRESPECT, CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR or ANY SIN.  Of course you have reasons for why you sinned.  He has reasons for why he sinned against you too.  But having reasons for our sin does not excuse our sin.  When we explain why we sinned against our husband, it sounds like disrespect and like we believe we were right to do what we did.  Then we need to apologize AGAIN!”
      In my first post to you I said to repent and tell your husband though brief why you made him believe that. I see I went against Aprils advice here and she is better eguiped than I am so my apology for that I may have confused you.
      So I guess you have to stick to just repent, tell him you are really sorry you hurt him that way and leave it at that. If he wants to know why he will probably ask you about it.
      Love to you

      • peacefulwife
        July 23, 2014 at 10:22 pm #

        Thank you for encouraging our sister, Tabitha!

    • peacefulwife
      July 9, 2014 at 6:54 am #

      Shining Star,

      I am on a blogging break through about 7-18-14. However, I have a video about this subject on my Youtube channel you may want to check out! My channel is “April Cassidy.” I am praying for you! :)

    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 10:23 pm #

      Shining Star,

      How are you doing? Were you able to apologize? How are things now?

      Much love to you!

      • Shining Star
        July 24, 2014 at 3:46 am #

        I have apologized, i had to quit my job and stay home, but he keeps bringing up the issue he is still angry. I am not sure what to do. well i keep apologizing still.

        • peacefulwife
          July 24, 2014 at 8:58 am #

          Shining Star,

          Maybe you can ask him what you can do that would help him to be able to heal? I don’t see the point in apologizing over and over and over. You can certainly agree with him, “Yes, that was wrong of me. I don’t ever want to do that again. I hate that I hurt you so much.”

          What is your relationship with Christ?
          What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

          It may take time for him to process his anger.

          What do you say and do when he talks about being angry still?

          Much love to you!

  7. Shining Star
    July 9, 2014 at 5:55 am #

    Thank you very much for the support. I will keep my faith up, I know God does miracles. I will try your advice. God bless.

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  1. The Beginning of a Wife’s Journey | Peacefulwife's Blog - August 23, 2013

    […] I Have Hurt My Husband Deeply. Now What? […]

Beginning 7-21-14 I am back from a one month blogging vacation. You are welcome to leave respectful, edifying, constructive comments. May God richly bless your walk with Christ!

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