The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage

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I am not a therapist, a counselor, an expert or a pastor.  I’m just a wife and I am starting a discussion here. I do not claim to have all the answers. Here are some ideas to think about and prayerfully consider. If you have severe issues in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced, wise counsel!

Ladies,

I know that MANY of you are suffering in your marriage with the pain of sexual rejection.  The pain can be excruciating.  And many women think they are the only wives whose husbands refuse them.  Reading marriage books that constantly talk about how men want intimacy all the time just drives the knife deeper in your heart when your husband refuses you.  It can make you think that there is seriously something very wrong with you – and that every other husband on the planet desires his wife sexually but yours.  That is a lonely place to be.  This is something almost no one talks about and it  is not a topic that gets addressed much.  (For those of you with the opposite problem, check out this post)

There are a number of reasons why a husband may have a lower drive than his wife or why he may refuse her advances – many of which I have seen as a pharmacist:

- he is exhausted/stressed/sick

- he feels very disrespected by you (disrespect can actually be a HUGE, HUGE turnoff for many husbands.  It would be the same for them as it would for us if we felt very unloved. Check out my post about respect, disrespect and respect and sexual attraction).

- he has a naturally lower drive than she does at this time of life (especially as men grow older this can be the case – and sadly, women often have an increasing sexual drive as they grow older, especially into their 30s and 40s, this can make things very frustrating sometimes).

- he is experiencing a loss of desire due to depression or due to certain medications (blood pressure medications, some anti-depressants, some prostate medications, Propecia, etc.)

- the timing may not be best for him (most men have their highest levels of testosterone in the morning – sometimes just changing the time of day can make a big difference.)

- medical issues like E.D. that become increasingly common as men age (especially over age 50) – thankfully there are some extremely effective rxs for impotence.  Prostate surgery, diabetes, high blood pressure, peripheral arterial disease and other medical problems can trigger E.D..   The rxs are quite expensive (sometimes $20-30 per pill), but some insurances will cover a certain number of pills per month. (Be VERY careful about talking about this subject with your husband – sometimes, no matter how gently or respectfully a wife brings up the topic of impotence, a husband can feel extremely emasculated. It may be wise to pray a lot about this before talking with him. As a pharmacist, I know that it is very difficult for men to seek help for something so personal and so tied into their sense of manhood.)

- obesity can greatly affect sexual desire in men.

- sex has become a chore (i.e.: to try to get pregnant or deal with infertility treatment)

- serious pornography addiction can vastly lower a husband’s sexual desire and drive for his wife (this is, unfortunately, more and more common)

- infidelity

- low testosterone levels – the Dr can check his blood levels and there are injections and topical gel preparations of testosterone that can be very helpful to increase energy levels and sexual drive for men with this situation (but again, you will have to approach this topic with EXTREME sensitivity and probably a lot of prayer – it would be easy to offend a man greatly about this issue.)

WHAT CAN A WIFE DO?

- First, it could be important to think about examining your motives.

  • Is it possible that you may measure how much your husband loves you, or how lovable you are, by how often you have sex with him?
  • Is it possible that you use sex to get affirmation and to feel loved because you aren’t getting any emotional or spiritual connection?
  • Is it possible that you are trying to control your husband’s sex life and thoughts about other women/porn by trying to initiate sex frequently so that he “won’t be tempted” to look at other women or to use porn?
  • Is it possible you are attempting to find your worth and value in sex instead of in Christ?
  • Is it possible your husband is feeling smothered/disrespected/pressured?

If you are using sex to try to control your husband or to keep his thought life pure or to find affirmation of your worth – you are going to be dissatisfied and your husband is probably going to resist.

- PRAY!!!! Ask God to show you your true motives that may be hidden from your own consciousness. Ask God to give you wisdom and healing. Set your heart completely on Christ and find your worth, your identity, your hope, your strength, your joy and purpose 100% in Him. Be content in Christ alone. Take your desires and pain and rejection to Him and find shelter in His wings. Lay your desire at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to help you find satisfaction and contentment in Him no matter what your husband does or does not do.  Trust His sovereignty to be able to handle this problem for His glory somehow and ultimately for your good.

- It’s possible that backing off could be something to consider – if you have been initiating every day or frequently and your husband is rejecting you often. He may feel smothered or pressured. Guys don’t like to feel like their affection, attention or sex is being demanded of them.  Or he may just need a few days (or weeks) to feel his own desire for you and to begin to initiate himself. This is SO HARD!!!!!! I know this is the last thing we want to do in this situation. But sometimes it works. The key is to expect nothing. If he does initiate – AWESOME. But assume that he won’t for awhile. Let your body just be “off” instead of “simmering.”  You may have to purposely stop feeding the fantasies of having sex with him for awhile and see if that doesn’t give him a chance to want to pursue you.  (PS, for wives whose husbands want MORE sex – learn to turn your body “on” to “simmer” by consciously thinking about having sex with your husband often and by flirting with him more and being open to his advances and thankful that your husband desires you.  If you are having pain with intercourse, please talk to your OB/GYN as soon as possible!  There is often a lot of help available for such problems.)

- Sometimes our schedules are TOO BUSY!  Being extremely busy all the time leaves no time for the things that are most important in life – intimacy with God, intimacy with our husbands, time to cultivate relationships in our families and time to spend with friends.  Pray and ask God and your husband what can be cut out of the schedule!

-Some husbands begin to resent sex during the long, expensive, sometimes humiliating (for men) process of infertility treatment. If sex has become 100% about trying to get pregnant – it takes the joy out of it for many men (and really – it takes the joy out of sex for many wives, too).  It could be time to take a break and just ENJOY your man without all the pressure.

The greatest gift we can give to our husbands during love making is to ENJOY them, to truly savor them and to be ecstatic, relaxed and delighted in this sacred and precious act of oneness.When we express our pleasure and rapture (with our facial expressions, words, body language, responsiveness and movements) – we greatly bless our men.

- If there are medical issues, major sleep-deprivation or extreme stress going on – pray about and ask your husband about seeing a doctor.  But if you do suggest he see a doctor, it may be wise to only suggest it once, in a very pleasant, non-pushy way and then let him decide when and if he will go.

- obesity greatly contributes to lower desire and even to erectile dysfunction.  This would be another delicate topic.  But you can pray about the issue, and seek to have most meals at home and to have more baked chicken/fish/vegetarian dishes with beans and less red meat and cheese and fattening things.  Make sure he has time to go for a walk or jog or to the gym if he wants to.  Be sure you are cooperating with your husband as a partner, not mothering him or dictating to him what he needs to do.

- Sometimes something as simple as trying the morning instead of at night makes a big difference. I know mornings can be rushed. But men almost always have their highest levels of testosterone in the morning.  It could be worth rearranging the schedule a bit to try this.

- Sometimes using touch to initiate instead of words can work better.  It almost never works with a man who has been resisting you to say, “I want sex!”  But sometimes just using touch very slowly – something you know he really likes – can be a better approach WITHOUT words.  Cuddling, spooning, a massage – but no verbal pressure.  And be prepared to just enjoy the affection even if he doesn’t respond.  If you resent him or get angry, that is going to make the whole situation much more difficult to overcome.

- Men do tend to be very visual.  (If your husband is not particularly visual, this may not matter as much.) Wear your hair the way he likes it more often as a gift to him.  Wear your make up the way he prefers when you can.  Dress in feminine clothing to remind him that you are a woman.  Take care of your body – get the sleep, nutrition and exercise you need to be healthy.  Respect your body and treat it well.  When you respect your body and yourself and you make an effort to look your best, your husband appreciates that more than most men would ever say.  (This does NOT mean you need to be a size 2 or do dangerous things or have an eating disorder or exercise obsession.  But it does mean spend 15 minutes maybe – primping a bit before you see your husband.  And be a good steward of your body for God’s glory and to honor yourself and your husband.  Exercising for 15-30 minutes a day 5 days a week would be a healthy, reasonable amount of time and effort.  Your husband may even be quite willing to watch the kids while you go for a 30 minute walk or jog or to the gym.)

- If your husband is feeling disrespected and controlled – he may have told you this, or he may have just unplugged and gone totally silent. Check out the posts at the top of my home page on about respectdisrespect and signs your husband may be feeling disrespected. Consider thinking about ways that you could stop any disrespect, even the unintentional stuff. And then study your husband and figure out what most speaks respect to his masculine soul.  Depending on how disrespected and wounded he feels – it may take months or even a year or years for him to begin to trust and feel safe again.  And there are some rare husbands who never open their hearts again to their wives.  Ultimately, we obey God’s commands in Ephesians 5:22-33 out of our love and reverence for Christ – NOT to try to change our husbands.  We must be willing to accept our men exactly as they are and stop trying to change them before God will work.  And God’s timing may be much longer than ours.  We can trust Him and His sovereignty with the timing and results.  Our concern is to live in obedience and to abide in Christ no matter what our husbands do or do not do.

- If there are pornography issues – this is EXTREMELY painful for a wife. But with the power of God – your husband, you and your marriage CAN find healing and hope! You can check out http://www.brentriggs.com for an ebook on this issue or you can look up http://www.xxxchurch.org for help with porn addictions.

- if there is infidelity - please find a godly, Christian counselor who is experienced in this area and who will promote obedience to God’s Word. You may have to leave for awhile, or he may have to leave for awhile in order to begin to heal. And we will pray for God to bring both of you to Himself first, and then we will pray for healing for the marriage but most of all for God’s will and His glory.

I Corinthians 7:3-5

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife,  and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Unfortunately – you cannot control your husband or force him to be intimate with you.  So there may be a LOT of waiting involved – depending on why his desire is low.  Waiting is HARD.  It is not fun.  But it is an important part of learning to die to self.   I pray for wisdom for each of you that God might show you how to turn to Him and lay your pain at His feet.  I pray He will give you courage and wisdom to do what is helpful and will promote unity and healing in your relationship as far as things depend on you.  And I pray that God might work in your husband as well so that He might convict him of any sin or give him courage to find the medical help he needs to restore sexual oneness to your marriage.  But I pray for God’s peace even in the waiting and for Him to fill you with His joy as you learn to trust Him and seek Him with all your heart.

IF YOUR HUSBAND IS FAR FROM GOD:

My suggestion is not to quote scripture or use words to talk about the things of God or that he is not following God’s Word.  That will likely alienate him even farther from you.  In this situation – I Peter 3:1-6 would be your most powerful tool.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

PS -

A husband mentioned something very important in the comments, and is allowing me to share here:

Thanks for addressing this topic. I’ve had conversations with my wife when she suggested that she’s been on a bullhorn and putting up billboards to initiate. I’ve had to learn her VERY subtle methods of initiating.

If there was a point when the man initiated often and was rebuffed often, his antennae might not be up for his wife’s initiation. It’s like in public speaking, when you think you’re being overly expressive, you’re barely scratching the surface. Sometimes a woman might think she’s being obvious but she’s not.

I would encourage a woman to ask her husband if he’s even aware that she’s initiating.

AN ABUSE SURVIVOR MENTIONED THIS IMPORTANT TOPIC AS WELL:

Men who remember sexual abuse will often have similar issues to women as well as many of their own. There can be many reminders that are part of regular sex and can lead to.remembering for the first time. They may be reminded each time. There is shame and fear of act itself as well as what they remember. There are counselors for individual and group counseling but many can not ask for help. I’m a female survivor but there are a few famous male survivors that have told their story. it can be a huge barrier to regular sexual relationship and by no fault of the survivor. Hope this helps. This happens by people they knew as church members, coaches, teachers and family friends.

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147 Comments on “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage”

  1. LisainVermont
    May 2, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    Thank you so much for this post Peaceful Wife. I have a wonderful 16-year marriage and this is the only area in which we’ve struggled.

    Things have improved greatly over the past several months as I’ve turned our situation over to God and worked to be a more loving and submissive wife. I’m confident that things will continue to get better.

    It’s good to know other wives are also dealing with this. Most of the Christian literature I’ve read about sex talks about men always being ready and wives being resistant. Not much is written about men with lower drives.

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

      LisainVermont,

      I am SO thankful to hear that things are going so much better and that you are seeing improvements. PRAISE GOD!

      I know… it is extremely discouraging to be a wife in this situation and then to read books and not even feel like anyone understands. That is why it is so important to me to talk about this issue. It’s a BIG problem! And it is much more common than many people think.

      • Curtis
        January 15, 2014 at 8:31 pm #

        I ran across this article while looking for any help or guidance in dealing with my wife who has rejected me for the last 10 years. She refuses to talk about it, deal with it, or take any action in any way at all. I can’t describe the pain I go through to say nothing about the temptation and the ways I have fallen. The Lord has at times encouraged me and made me very strong, and at times been very angry with me for the ways in which I have sinned when I fell spiritually. I feel like I am made to hold up to absolute perfection while all her shortcoming are not up for discussion. Any words of guidance or advice would be welcome. We are Christians, by the way.

        • peacefulwife
          January 15, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

          Curtis,

          Ugh! I am so sorry!!

          Would she be willing to talk with me? Does she have a history of sexual abuse, medical problems (pain during sex)or depression? What brought this on, are you aware? Was this always an issue?

          What was her parents’ marriage like?

          What was your parents’ marriage like?

          How do you treat her, talk with her, relate spiritually and emotionally to her during all of this rejection?

          Has she forgiven you for your sin?

          Can she trust you now?

          Praying for God’s healing for you both!

          • peacefulwife
            January 15, 2014 at 10:00 pm #

            Curtis,

            What is her relationship like with Christ?

            How is your relationship with Christ?

            • Curtis
              January 15, 2014 at 11:02 pm #

              What brought it on? Not real sure. It tapered off a number of years ago and she refused to restart it. I try to listen very carefully to what the Lord tells me about my marriage. As for her she usually stays up all night watching soap operas, emailing, watching YouTube or surfing the web or Facebook. I do my best to ask for forgiveness if I do anything wrong, but honestly she records of any and all transgressions and really just isn’t a very forgiving person. She has a very high sense of entitlement, I feel. She is also involved part time with an independent children’s ministry. As for corresponding with you, honestly I don’t know. 

              • peacefulwife
                January 16, 2014 at 8:46 am #

                Curtis,

                Sometimes we wives really struggle with being forgiving. I sure did. Until I realized what a MASSIVE sin that was.

                I also understand that she may not be willing to talk with me.

                Has there been ANY intimacy at all in the last 10 years?

                What happens when you share your needs?

                Does she realize that you have feelings? A lot of wives don’t think their husbands have feelings – of course, that is not true. Are you able to tell her how hurt you are?

                Would she be willing to read a book?

                If she would- I would recommend “A Grace Filled Marriage” by Dr. Tim Keller first. It’s great for both husbands and wives. A lot of wives are willing to read marriage books – I pray God might give you favor. Maybe you could buy it and have it laying around – she may pick it up.

                Praying for God’s wisdom for you as you seek to lead your family and love your wife with God’s love.

                My husband has a site http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com

            • Curtis
              January 16, 2014 at 6:52 pm #

              I pray and read my Bible daily in the morning before anything else. She rarely does, aside from sometimes listening to praise songs. We do all go to Church every Sunday

  2. ButterflyDove
    May 2, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    Thank you so much for addressing this. It’s so true that you really don’t see the other side addressed. Pretty much since day 1 of our marriage (a little over 2 years), I have been the one with extremely more drive. I felt insecure, unworthy, unattractive, because of it. I would try to address it sometimes, asking why mine is higher/why not/etc, but all he would say is that he is exhausted. So, it’s only been on his terms, when he wants to. I tried to wear special things and go into the room he was in and he totally denied me—-I never tried again and wanted to sink into the floor in tears. To be so brave to do that and to be completely waved away. Now, when he was able to take his time, it was soooo worth the wait, but because it was soooo great of course I yearned for that frequently. I also always wanted to be spiritually connected in this area, too. I’ve been praying about this, and having to give my resentment, anger, sadness, over to God frequently. About 2 1/2 months ago, things changed. Oh my gosh, I am just in lala land. It’s like he’s a completely different person. I’m sooo loving it and so is he. We’ve been going through a lot of stress with the home we bought not being safe to live in, having to live apart while he fixed the house, having a baby—now things have settled down just a bit. He also went to a doctor and they gave him some medicine for depression. I’m happy that the medicine helps and praying that God will heal him of depression. Seriously, he’s different then when we were even dating. I’m so thankful to God, excited, and just in bliss. Those that are going through this please keep praying and keeping your hope—-I went from sinking sadly into the floor in tears to being in bliss with a flirty, full of drive, husband :)

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

      Butterfly Dove.
      I am so glad you shared your story!!!!!

      Depression can really greatly impact people – men or women. And make them not be interested in lots of things they usually would be interested in. I am SO THANKFUL he got the help he needed and that you are both doing so much better.

      THANK YOU, GOD! :)

  3. Crystal Blount
    May 2, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

    Totally agree with all of your advice. I have to talk to God frequently about my desire to become bitter and resentful at times because my husband “gets it when he wants it, but I don’t”. I have to refrain from quoting scripture, and watch that I don’t turn over and go to sleep angry and letting out audible sighs of frustration. I’m working on improving in so many areas and trusting and submitting to God. I am working on allowing my husband to pursue me and be the man, instead of me being the aggressor. He does tend to respond more when I back off. That is really great advice ladies, if you can manage to find constructive ways to busy yourself with working on you, instead of just silently stewing over what he’s not doing.

    It’s a process, and a difficult one! I’m someone who was sexually assaulted at a young age, and grew up using seduction and sex as a means of getting my self-worth. It’s a hard habit to break. The silver lining is that my husband has definitely put his foot down and demanded something deeper and more spiritual. He doesn’t fall for all my little seductive tricks. He is much more attracted to me when I’m super vulnerable, elusive, and confident/fiesty/playful. Even though he’s got the ring, I guess the man likes the chase!!

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 3:21 pm #

      Crystal,

      Thank you for sharing your story. It is such a heartbreaking one! But I know God is at work in you and making something so beautiful. I can see Him forming Christ in you, and a gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear.

      And I can see Him working in your husband to form a more godly man, too.

      Thank you for being patient with this process and with God and your husband. Waiting in peace and embracing the hard times and the lonely times to learn all God has for us to learn is a big part of maturing in our faith!

  4. David J.
    May 2, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    I’m glad you quoted 1 Cor. 7:3-5. While it seems that statistically it is more often wives who violate this passage (as it was in my case), the passage is definitely a two-way street. Assuming the wife has done her best in trying your suggestions with a loving, respectful attitude, or perhaps along with trying those things, I think it’s very appropriate to try marriage counseling. If the husband is a Christian but does not respond to any of these things or to counseling (or refuses to go to counseling), at some point I think it’s appropriate to take it to your church leaders for help under the Matthew 18 model.

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

      David,

      That is an excellent point! May I add it to the post, please?

  5. itycharles
    May 2, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

    you are always down to earth with issues others are scared to whisper. you are doing an awesome work

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

      Itycharles,
      This is where being a pharmacist and counseling patients for the last 20 years comes in handy! I can talk about practically anything with anyone – doesn’t phase me at all. These are important issues. I want to see Christians approaching these strongholds of Satan with the power, love and sound mind Christ can give us and the authority of His Word. I want to see marriages healed in the church and unity in marriage and in the body of Christ. I pray God might use me any way He will. Please pray for God to give me His Words and wisdom!

  6. Loyal Reader
    May 2, 2013 at 8:22 pm #

    Being denied intimacy from your wife is cruel. I heard my wife also on voice tape speak in a way she never speaks to me about her and her partners sexual parts. That was long time ago, and the pain is just as bad as when it originally happened.

    Ladies, don’t use sex as a tool in exchange for your selfish pursuits. Also don’t have sex, than not get your way the next day, and make comments, I gave you sex yesterday, as that really puts the husband into depression and challenges his faith in God.

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

      Loyal Reader,

      That is a good point – intimacy is something that should be freely and joyfully given. It is an ungodly use of the gift of our sexuality for us to try to force our husbands to do things for us or to buy things for us in order for us to be intimate with them. It is also ungodly for us to use sex to manipulate our husbands with guilt.

      Let’s honor God and our husbands by being selfless, giving, joyful, accepting, gracious, merciful and Spirit-filled wives who give willingly and cheerfully of ourselves to our husbands.

    • In His Image
      June 6, 2013 at 6:38 am #

      I heard my wife also on voice tape speak in a way she never speaks to me about her and her partners sexual parts. That was long time ago, and the pain is just as bad as when it originally happened.

      I’ve heard many men saying that they have had this happen to them. And it appears (as is your experience) in each case to be a wound that NEVER heals (since the man is made to know that he is basically sexually inadequate — that he has failed as a man — and that he can do absolutely nothing about it). Yet there are so many women who deliberately sexually humiliate men in this way — indeed, it’s now celebrated in the media (you see it in so-called ‘comedy’, yet in truth it’s about as funny as rape). We live in a society where male wickedness is (rightly) condemned, but female wickedness is seen as entertainment (or even as a virtue — as being ‘assertive’/’emancipated’/etc.).

      As Paul says, it’s best not to marry, but if you are going to marry, then choose a virgin with a tender conscience and a functioning sense of shame who loves God more than our vile society.

      • peacefulwife
        June 8, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

        How I pray that we all will carefully consider how we treat our spouses – that husbands and wives might all be kind, respectful, considerate, loving, protective and trustworthy in the way we treat one another. I pray we will not purposely strike out against each other. I pray we might be full of mercy and grace for each other. I pray our marriages might be havens of safety, peace, joy and intimacy. That we might work as a team in a unified way for each other’s good.

      • peacefulwife
        June 8, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

        IHI,
        How much heartache could be avoided if we all obeyed God’s Word and men and women reserve sex for marriage. The fallout of sexual sin and sin in general in our culture is catastrophic.

        I pray we might, as God’s people, repent and turn from all of our sin and turn to Jesus, dying to self and living for His glory alone!

      • Loyal Reader
        June 25, 2013 at 12:37 am #

        The other wound that doesn’t heal quickly is knowing my wife’s mother knew her daughter was spending alot of time alone with this man. I have alot of shame, remorse, wondering how God will judge me for being a spy and catching her. It’s so sad, the devil won then and is still attempting to gain control. My wife when confronted, when I’m hurting and she doesn’t provide the basic things running through this blog, I will commit sin and fall into bringing up the past. She will then, reply nothing happened get over it, I actually like older men, etc. Or tell me how terrible I am in a sexual sense.

        I met my future bride after hearing other boys speaking in vile disgusting way about what a slut she was in high school. I didn’t attempt to date her then, but I called her and warned her. Somehow a matter of Godly circumstances brought us together, I believe. I worked really hard to be loving, nurturing and build her confidence back up. The pain is intense, why would she do such a thing. That is why it’s so hard when she acted so horribly with me desperately wanting my wife, and kids suffered while she pursued a selfish hobby (play theator).

        • peacefulwife
          June 25, 2013 at 9:58 am #

          Loyal Reader,

          I am so sorry that things are so painful for you in your marriage. I pray that God might work in both of your hearts, draw you to Himself, heal this marriage and bring great glory to Himself through you and your wife.

          If you are interested, I can get you the contact info for a lay pastor who does men’s ministry and counseling whom I trust.

  7. another abuse survivor
    May 2, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

    Men who remember sexual abuse will often have similar issues to women as well as many of their own. There can be many reminders that are part of regular sex and can lead to.remembering for the first time. They may be reminded each time. There is shame and fear of act itself as well as what they remember. There are counselors for individual and group counseliing but many can not ask for help. I’m a female survivor but there are a few famous male survivors that have told their story. it can be a huge barrier to regular sexual relationship and by no fault of the survivor. Hope this helps. This happens by people they knew as church members, coaches, teachers and family friends.

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

      Another abuse survivor,
      I am SO THANKFUL for your point. How I wish NO ONE EVER had to endure sexual abuse. But you are absolutely right, men or women who were raped or molested or sexually abused can have terrible emotional/spiritual scars that are incredibly painful in marriage. I hope you might allow me to include your comment in the post.

      • another abuse survivor
        May 2, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

        Please do. There are so many of us. It’s very difficult on marriage and many survivors are not able to marry or if so, sustain their marriages. With over many many years of counseling and a very loving husband, we r celebrating our 25th anniversary this yr. I am eternally thankful. Praise Him.

        • peacefulwife
          May 3, 2013 at 5:50 am #

          Thank you, another abuse survivor and congratulations! I praise God with you!

  8. peacefulwife
    May 3, 2013 at 5:58 am #

    To an anonymous husband,

    Yes, if she is experiencing physical pain with or after intercourse, it could be a matter as simple as more lubrication or more time is needed before intimacy to be prepared. Or it could be that she has internal muscle spasms, or dyspareunia. I have included a link to WebMD’s definition and causes of this disorder. I would strongly recommend she talk with her OB/GYN. Depending on the particular cause, there are many things that may help reduce her pain dramatically.

    • peacefulwife
      May 3, 2013 at 5:58 am #

      PS –
      Not all women are able to climax during intercourse. Most cannot. That doesn’t mean the husband is doing anything wrong.

  9. Rookie Writer
    May 3, 2013 at 10:08 am #

    VENTING:

    I’ve been almost married for three years and I have to say that I’m just tired of being turned down. I’m tired of being challenged on everything I say or do. I’m tired of being reported to your mom for my shortcomings. I’m tired of feeling like I’m so low your list of important people where the dogs are more important than me. I’m tired of people have more say so in what we do than me. I’m just tired of being neglected.

    Done Venting.

    • peacefulwife
      May 4, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

      Lord,
      I lift up Rookie Writer, his wife and his marriage to You in Your throne room in heaven. You are sovereign and I lay this couple at Your feet, Jesus. They know You. Their marriage is to be a glorious living parable of the profound mystery between Christ and the church. But You are not being glorified here. There is much pain here – on both sides, I am sure. I pray that You might tear down the strongholds of sin and the enemy in this precious marriage, Jesus. I pray that You might open Rookie Writer’s eyes to all that You see from Your perspective. Give him Your wisdom and Spirit of power, love and a sound mind to breathe life and healing into this marriage. Give him the power to love his wife with the unfathomable, unquenchable, immeasurable love of Christ – not because she deserves it – but because He loves and honors You and seeks Your glory. Let Your Spirit soften his wife’s heart, too. Let her hear Your voice and be willing to obey You in everything. Bring this husband and wife both to You. Let them put You first – way above anything else. Then let them serve one another in humility and be generous with grace, mercy, forgiveness and selflessness. Give them the mind of Christ. Give them unity. Make them one in spirit, mind, heart and body by Your power. Use this marriage to greatly impact the world for Your kingdom. Give Rookie Writer wisdom to lead his wife with kindness, gentleness, tenderness, patience, love, peace, self-control, godly wisdom and let him gently, carefully lead her in Your path towards abundant life. Help him to stand in the gap for his wife in prayer. Help him set a godly example for her and be full of Your Spirit. Let him demonstrate Christ to her. Thank You that You have given him such powerful weapons – Your Word, Your Spirit, Your love, Your example. Give him godly mentors. Give her godly mentors. Partner with him to breathe life, health, strength and vitality into this marriage. Help him to see that even if she doesn’t change right now, as long as You are his partner, there is every reason for hope! You alone can open her eyes and change her soul. But if he will live in obedience to You and abide in You and live with You as Lord, You will change him first and then partner with him to heal his marriage and wife according to Your timing, Your will and for Your greatest glory.

      In the Name and power of Christ,
      Amen!

      • Nana
        May 5, 2013 at 1:12 pm #

        Amen. You’re remembered in my prayers too, Rookie. Hold on hard to the Lord because there are better days ahead. This is His promise for you and your family in Jer. 29:11.

        • peacefulwife
          May 5, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

          Nana,
          Thank you for praying for Rookie Writer, too! You are a blessing! :)

  10. cararogers
    May 16, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

    Thank you for this article, it really touched me in a way that was new to me. There is a lot here I had never thought about with my husband. I know there are stresses, but age differences (7 years) and levels of testosterone are a new things to me. I think I will have him read this and just be open and see where we can go from here. Thanks for this great post I think it will help us tremendously.

    • peacefulwife
      May 16, 2013 at 12:29 pm #

      Cararogers,

      I am so glad this has been encouraging to you. I am here if you want to talk!

      Aprilc@sc.rr.com

      Praying for oneness on every level in your marriage. And praying for God’s greatest glory in your life!

  11. Patricia
    June 14, 2013 at 2:07 am #

    Please send me more info. I am in my 30’s, my husband is in his 50’s. Its hurts me more than you can imagine that I am in a relationship with little to no intimacy, much less sex. I feel that it is last on his list of priorities. Considering we’ve had this problem for three years, emotions are very raw on both sides. Help me hold on. Patricia

    • peacefulwife
      June 14, 2013 at 7:41 am #

      Patricia,

      Is it ok if I email it to you at the email address you have provided?

  12. peacefulwife
    June 17, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    Ron,

    Your situation breaks my heart for both of you. So much pain on both sides.

    There are absolutely times a husband’s sexual rejection is beyond his control. Medical issues, side effects of some medications, past sexual trauma/abuse… these are major issues that will require a lot of help!

    A wife’s control/disrespect can definitely destroy her husband’s attraction for her, too. Just like a husband’s lack of love can destroy a wife’s attraction for her husband.

    Praying for healing for you and R and for all who are suffering such difficult situations. God is able to heal those who have been broken. How I pray that we might be able to spare our children from such brokenness and damage – that we might set a godly example and keep them from abuse, neglect, pornography, molestation, evil and temptation – so that they will be well prepared to be godly husbands and wives and parents.

    • Ron Tyler
      June 17, 2013 at 8:54 pm #

      Thanks for the prayers and understanding. My peers in my recovery groups and I have realized that the common mistake I made in wife selection for my three marriages was that I failed to understand well and obey well 2 Corinth 6:14-7:1. I failed to make sure that they had the same commitment to obeying Jesus in all areas of life as I strove to have. My standards were way too low and foolish. I figured it was a green light to dating and courting if they said they were Christians, that they believed Jesus, that they carried their Bibles and read them and that they liked to attend Christian services twice a week. I forgot what I was taught in BIOLA in 1960, that the easiest place to backslide is in a Christian school or a large church because you and those around you can think you are a great Christian by just doing those things and having that reputation. So I have learned that one who seeks to submit to the lordship and reign of King Jesus in all areas of his life should seek one for marriage who seeks the same. Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” NKJV So here I am at 72, having less to offer but seeking more in marriage. To give me hope the Lord let me meet one of the godliest women I have ever seen or known, humble, gentle, unselfish, kind, compassionate, committed to selflessly serving the saints and definitely not thinking of herself more highly that she should. Of course the more I watched her the more I realized that I was totally unworthy of such a sister, that the obstacles to having a relationship with her are Andean, monstrous and impossible to overcome without the miraculous intervention of the Lord. So I have backed off like Boaz in hopes that she’ll be like Ruth, understanding that the divorce won’t be final until August, and that R could repent in genuine godly sorrow, commit herself to submitting wholly to the Word of God, and seek reconciliation. It’s all in His hands and I hope to be ready to accept what He does.

      • peacefulwife
        June 17, 2013 at 10:10 pm #

        Ron,

        I figured it was a green light to dating and courting if they said they were Christians, that they believed Jesus, that they carried their Bibles and read them and that they liked to attend Christian services twice a week.

        I agree – those are not high enough standards. It is very possible for someone to claim Christ and go to church and still not be submitted to Him as Lord. That was me for many years, too!

        Thank you for sharing.

  13. Elizabeth
    September 2, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

    When I had a mastectomy, my husband moved into the guest room and he is still there. It’s been over a year. I’m to the place, I wouldn’t even care about sex, if I could just have an occasional hug or kiss. I am trapped by my cancer (stage 4) in a relationship with controlling platonic friend! Emphasis on the controlling and platonic part, because any friend who treated me with so little concern for my feelings would have been dropped. If I make any request for affection, I “have a problem” and need to give “antidepressants another try.” (As a submissive wife, and because I was in the midst of treatment, I tried them once – made me nauseous, gave me panic attacks, nightmares, I was an emotional zombie, and I took myself off them after I realized one morning I had been trying to get prescription bottles open to commit suicide. Lost 5 pounds each week on them. I have since found out my cancer treatments have been doing wacky things to my thyroid – unusual, but not unheard of when there already was a problem, and antidepressants mess with the thyroid, too.)

    Anyway, it is apparently so hard for my husband to express any affection, that when my brother died, he tried (like he knew what he should do) but could not bring himself to actually hug me. Took him 3 days to work up to being able to give very brief hug. I really have no idea what to do. He says I have a problem, not him. He says I need therapy, but only if he can go in first to tell him/her so they won’t be “siding with me” like the cancer center’s counselor. (I refused and then quietly found a Christian counselor on my own. She has helped me a lot, but she says I have a right as a wife to emotional support, kind of like what the counselor at the cancer center said. Both said this is a time when I need more emotional support, not less.) When my latest PET scan showed no sign of currently active cancer, he sounded totally uninterested the evening I told him, but the next day brought home flowers and gave me the first kiss I had had in months. And he has been a little better ever since, but still in the guest room and still no intimacy, physical or emotional.

    I have strong doubts about my husband being a Christian. We met in church, but about 10 years into our marriage, he became angry and dropped out of church. I have trouble believing a true Christian would not only hold onto this kind of anger for 20+ years, but expand it to encompass all churches and pastors and Christians. I started to hope lately, because he started reading his Bible again after all this time, then I found out he was mostly reading Revelation and other end time prophesies because he started using them to “back up” his criticisms of churches. I suggested I Cor. chapter 7 to him, and he told me I misunderstand and as far as I know, he did not even look at it. He says he has prayed for me during cancer, but will not pray with me.

    • peacefulwife
      September 3, 2013 at 9:44 am #

      Elizabeth,

      Goodness!

      I am so sorry to hear that you have been battling cancer. What a challenge and time of trial in and of itself! I’m VERY happy to hear that you are doing so well physically now!

      I don’t know much about your husband at all. And I don’t know what your marriage was like before your diagnosis.

      I can’t help but wonder if your husband might not have been trying to somehow distance himself emotionally from you in order to protect himself more from the pain of what you were going through? Not to say that was the right thing to do at all. But I have a feeling that he may have felt unable to deal with the scariness of cancer, the treatment and face the thought of losing you. So maybe he thought if he emotionally distanced himself he would experience less pain?

      It seems to me that he may have been terrified and felt ill-equipped to offer support and maybe he couldn’t even function himself much less be a rock of emotional support for you – possibly.

      I agree that you would need more emotional support during cancer and all the treatment. I’m so sorry that he shut down like that.

      I’m encouraged that he is responding a bit now.

      I pray that God might work in his heart and that He might empower you to be the wife of His dreams. I pray for healing in your marriage!

      Sending you a HUGE hug!

      • Ron
        September 3, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

        2 Corinth 1:3-7 indicates that God comforts His own and wants His own to comfort His own. He wants to comfort His own through and by means of His own (Phil 2:13). So you can’t count on your husband for that comfort. PLEASE join every Christian small group you can for spiritual and prayer support. Attend grief and cancer support groups. You can’t get Love out of a spiritually dead person, so get among those who are spiritually alive so He can comfort you through them. Mercifully the Lord allowed my ex and I to be separated before I had major health issues, because she had made it clear that she was not my wife for the “worse” or “poorer” or “sickness” times of my life. I joined as many small groups as possible and the Lord comforted me in my distress.

        • peacefulwife
          September 3, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

          Thank you for your advice and encouragement for Elizabeth. I appreciate your kindness greatly.

      • mike
        September 4, 2013 at 7:53 am #

        On the other side of the story i would like to hear also about a stuation where by wife denies their husband their sexual rights out of no reason

        • peacefulwife
          September 4, 2013 at 8:25 am #

          Mike,

          Wives usually do have reasons why they reject their husbands. But God’s Word commands us not to withhold ourselves sexually from our spouse. So – I desire to help wives find ways to overcome the obstacles they may experience so that they can joyfully give themselves to their husbands sexually.

          I address this issue in two posts and one Youtube video:

          “Sometimes I Just Feel Like a Piece of Meat to My Husband.”

          The Respect Dare – Day 38 – Initiating Sexual Intimacy

          Withholding Sex in Marriage - 5 minute Youtube video

          • Jessica Hinckley
            September 11, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

            The same should go the other way around.

            • Peacefulwife
              September 11, 2014 at 3:19 pm #

              Jessica,

              It is a pleasure to meet you!

              I only write for wives. So, I don’t “tell men what to do.” But, scripture commands both husbands and wives not to withhold sex from one another I Corinthians 7:1-5.

              Husbands have equal responsibility, and possibly even more responsibility because they are accountable in God’s sight as the God-given authority – who is to lead humbly, selflessly, lovingly, wisely the way that Christ leads and loves His church.

              Here on this blog, I focus on what we as wives can do on our end of the relationship. We can’t make our husbands do anything. The only person we control is “me.”

              I am sorry that you may be hurting today and am happy to talk with you if you are interested. I don’t have all the answers, but I will do my best to point you to the healing, hope, Life, peace and joy that can be found in Christ.

              Much love!
              April

      • Peacefulwife
        September 11, 2014 at 3:20 pm #

        Elizabeth,

        How are things going with you, my sister?

  14. Loosing Control
    October 18, 2013 at 6:40 am #

    Peaceful wife Iam in a marriage just like you said feeling undesirable because my husband won’t be intimate with me. We’ve been married only 6 months on Oct 20, 2013. Iam so hurt. I thought about iniciating but Iam afraid he’ll reject me, so Idon’t. Ialso thought about counseling, to embarrassed to tell that my husband of 6 months doesn’t desire to make love with me. Ithought labor was hard at least Iknew it would end eventually, Idon’t know if or when he will desire me again. My heart is broken && I’m frustrated. #Loosing Control

    • peacefulwife
      October 18, 2013 at 6:54 am #

      Losing Control,

      Would you like to talk about this together? I am SO SORRY you are hurting so much! That kind of pain of feeling so rejected is just excruciating.

      Here are some things that would help me to give you some direction if you would like to email me the answers – or you can answer here if you prefer…

      1. How long has it been since you’ve been intimate?
      2. What was your relationship like before marriage?
      3. Does your husband have a porn addiction or any mental health issues or drug/alcohol addictions?
      4. Is it possible he feels disrespected? (I have a post at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect)
      5. Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
      6. What was his parents’ marriage like?
      7. What was your parents’ marriage like?
      8. DOes he suffer from any medical conditions like diabetes or high blood pressure?
      9. How is the rest of the relationship going lately?
      10. Do you have a young baby in the family now? If so, when was the baby born?

      Much love to you!!!!

      • Losing Control
        October 18, 2013 at 7:29 am #

        Peacefulwife thx for responding…answers: 1. Aug 9,2013
        2. In my opinion
        3. He watched it b4 we got married. Iasked him to stop, he did for awile but recently started again.
        4. Iread your post to be sure of the disrepect, not a factor, he
        never mentioned that. Only that he’s just tired.
        5. We both have relationship w/Christ. We fast && pray. Go to church as a family.
        6 &7. Our parents were never married to each other.
        8. No
        9. We don’t talk much, we still
        date each other. Have issues w/
        bills being paid equally. Iforgave
        but never forget about him telling
        a young lady that he still got love
        for her eventhough he’s gettin
        married && called her beautiful.
        Ican’t stand when he calls me
        that but Ikeep it to myself.
        10.No baby. He adores my children. He has no children. 1st time married @ 39yo. Iam 43yo. Ifraid that his desire is for younger ladies. #LosingControl

        • peacefulwife
          October 18, 2013 at 7:58 am #

          Losing control,

          He much porn is he watching? It can be possible for a man to be so addicted to porn, he doesn’t feel sexual desire for his wife. Is he willing to get help? If you search “pornography” in my home page, I believe you can pull up a post with a link to a free ebook for dealing with porn in a godly way by Brent Riggs.

          Is he depressed?

          Is he working a lot?

          Does he have medical issues that cause erectile dysfunction?

          Has he felt criticized sexually?

    • Patricia Mims
      October 18, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

      As I read your post tears ran from my eyes. Please know you do not suffer alone.

  15. LucretiaS
    October 26, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

    This article does not surprise me when I realized it was a religious article. Growing up all I hear about religion is how a women suppose to please her man and not both ways. It has really made me stay away from religion and has caused me to keep a distance with God. Men and Women are equal bottom line.

    • peacefulwife
      October 27, 2013 at 7:05 am #

      LucretiaS,

      It absolutely DOES work both ways. I dont’ write for men. So I don’t write about what they should do. My husband has a blog for husbands. But YES, the commands God gives are that husbands should not deprive their wives. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for it. Husbands are to be selfless, humble, gentle, respectful and to treat their wives with great honor or God will not hear their prayers.

      Men and women are equal in value in God’s sight YES!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!

      Anyone who told you that women were inferior was not teaching what God says in His Word. men and women are both image bearers of God. And Galatians 3:28 says that there is no difference to Him between male, female, slave, free, Jew or Greek or Barbarian.

      These principles I talk about would apply for husbands, too – I am just not teaching men. But just because I don’t teach men, does not mean that these things don’t apply to them.

      Much love to you! :) Thanks for your comment!

      • peacefulwife
        October 27, 2013 at 7:31 am #

        Lucretia,

        I pray that you might read God’s Word for yourself and not allow any human to come between you and God’s love for you. :)

        I Corinthians 7:1-5 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

        Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church– 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

        I Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

        The kind of love God commands both husbands and wives to have for each other is AGAPE love – unconditional love. All believers in Christ are called to love all people with God’s kind of love. Men and women. This is the love to build a marriage upon. :)

        I Corinthians 13:-1-8a If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

        With love,
        April

        • peacefulwife
          October 27, 2013 at 8:09 am #

          God calls ALL believers – men and women – to submit to Him 100% as LORD of their lives. He calls all of us to believe on Jesus and accept His death for us that He died in our place. He paid for everything we have done that has offended God – so that we might be able to have a real relationship with Him – even though none of us deserve it at all. “There is none righteous, no not one.” It is a gift that we can come to God – and it is by His grace and our faith in Him, not because we have anything good in us (Ephesians 2:8). Then, He desires His Spirit to fill us and give us power to live in obedience to Him for His glory.

          He calls all believers in Christ to die to our old sinful self – allow it to be nailed to the cross and buried with Jesus. Then we are to put on our new self in Christ. He gives us new hearts, new minds, new spirits.

          He gave up His life for us, and then we give up our lives for Him. He took our sins. He gave us His right standing with God. He took our punishment. He gave us His holiness. He took our death upon Himself, then He gives us His eternal Life.

          We lay down our wisdom, our rights (because we have sinned against God, we have no rights before Him), our dreams, our goals, our plans, our resources and all that we are. We sacrifice all that we are to Him in thanksgiving for all that He has done – becoming a human, dying in our place, conquering sin and hell for us. Such a great love He has for us! Then, we pick up His Spirit, His desires, His plans, His wisdom, His goals, His dreams, His priorities, His power and we seek only His will and His glory.

          He gives us the power to live and to love as He does.

          And with His Spirit – we receive His supernatural love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The fruit of His Spirit will be in our lives daily as we live for Him and yield to His control in our lives. That is how the CHristian walk is supposed to be for all men and women who follow Christ.

          This is what God has done for me! I used to be anxious, afraid and worried all the time. I trusted SELF not God. But God set me free from my old ways and has given me this new abundant life.

          I pray you might find it, too. :)

          You are PRECIOUS to Him and He can give you satisfaction, peace, joy, purpose and fulfillment that nothing in this world can ever give to you.

          • Ron Tyler
            November 1, 2013 at 3:13 am #

            For godly wives who have God fearing, God loving and Jesus obeying husbands who are not ministering to their wives intimately and sexually: God says “21 Submit to one another in fear of the Messiah.” Ephes 5 “In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. . . . the husband is not in charge of his own body, but his wife is. . . . the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. . . a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. . . [kai] the [ho] husband [anēr] does [exousiazō] not [ou] have authority [exousiazō] over [ho] his [idios] own body [sōma], but [alla] the [ho] wife [gynē] does (Mounce Grk).” 1 Corinthians 7:4 Clearly the wife has the right over her husband’s body and he should submit to her right, she is in charge of his body and he should submit to her charge, she has the God ordained and appointed authority (Romans 13) over his body and her husband should submit to her authority, she is the master of his body and he should submit to her mastering. “21 Submit to one another in fear of the Messiah.” Ephes 5 “Skin hunger” is a valid psychological and physical condition (http://www.psychologytoday.com/…/201308/skin-hunger) and if a wife is suffering from skin hunger she has the right and authority to expect her husband to submit to her authority over his body and, if nothing more, at least lay together naked, skin to skin, to satisfy her need of skin hunger. She has authority to require much more, for example her husband’s obedience to Prov 5:19 and 1 Corinthians 7:2.

  16. nichra
    December 16, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

    I am married for 04 years and my husband never had sex with me so far. (believe me or not). He is not interested in having sex with me at all. He never kiss me. I just live coz im not dead.

    • peacefulwife
      December 16, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

      Nichra,

      Goodness!! If your husband never ever consummated the marriage -you probably could file for an annulment. Have you talked with your pastor/priest about this?

      I am SO SORRY that you are going through so much pain.

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      Would you like to talk a bit more about what is going on? I will do my best to point you to God’s Word and to Christ.

      There is a discussion about divorce and annulment going on today on my post The Bible and Divorce.

      Much love to you!

    • Ron Tyler
      January 11, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

      Please permit me to share with you the 1 Peter 3 experience one of my relatives had. She was this little, slim and delicate Christian sister. I had the honor of being her house quest back in the ’60s and she told me her story.
 This is how I remember it. She was gloriously saved in Jesus while married to her chauvinistic, arrogant, proud, rich and unfaithful Orthodox husband. He really believed that her place was pregnant, bare foot and in the kitchen. They found out after their second child that her heart was weak and she could die during childbirth and so was told to have no more children. He got her pregnant four+ more times. Soon after being saved the Lord used these times of great peril to lead her into submission and obedience to His Word in 1 Peter 2 + 3

      

***1 Pet 2:19 For this [is] a grace, if for conscience [toward] God anyone endures grief, suffering wrongfully. 20 For what glory [is it] if you patiently endure [while] sinning and being buffeted? But if you suffer [while] doing good, and patiently endure, this [is] a grace from God. 21 For were you not called to this? For Christ also suffered on our behalf, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps, 22 He who did no sin, nor was guile found in His mouth, 23 who when He was reviled did not revile in return. When He suffered, He did not threaten, but gave [Himself] up to Him who judges righteously. 24 [He] Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that dying to sins, we might live to righteousness; by whose stripes you were healed. 25 For you were as sheep going astray, but now you are turned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. 1Pt3: 1 ¶ IN THE SAME WAY[--- as the servants of 2:18-25] , wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands, ———— with all reverence, not only to those good and forbearing [husbands], but also to the perverse ones.



      >>>>>>>>>>>PARAPHRASED FOR APPLICATION
1 Pt 2:19 For this [is] a grace, if for conscience [toward] God anyone endures grief [because of her husband], suffering wrongfully. 2:20 For what glory [is it] if you patiently endure [grief from you husband while] sinning and being buffeted? But if you suffer [grief from your husband while] doing good, and patiently endure, this [is] a grace from God. 2:21 For were you
not called to this [marital suffering]? For Christ also suffered on our behalf, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps [when your husband causes you to suffer], 22 He who did no sin, nor was guile found in His mouth, 2:23 who when He was reviled did not revile in return [so when your husband verbally abuses you, do not verbally abuse him in return]. When He suffered, He did not threaten, but gave [Himself] up to Him who judges righteously [so you also shouldn't threaten your sinning husband but instead give
yourself up to His care].



      —————so that if any [husbands] do not obey the word, they may also be won without the word by the conduct of the wives, 2 having witnessed your chaste behavior in [the] fear [of God]. 3 Of whom let [it] not be the adorning of garments, or outward braiding of hair and wearing of gold, or of putting on clothing, 4 but [let your adornment be] the hidden One of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, the meek [strength controlled] and quiet [peaceful] spirit, which is of great price in the sight of God. 5 For so once indeed the holy women hoping in God adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands [by their own choice]; 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; whose children you became, doing good and fearing no terror.



      She became a faster and a prayer, leading all of her kids to be beautifully saved. Her husband was not stupid or blind,
 and soon realized and was told by his buddies that he had a great wife, an awesome wife, and appreciation and respect began to sink in to his chauvinistic head. He was very proud of his precious and well behaved children, the envy of his buddies. Sometimes when he had one on his lap, his beloved child would 
say something like, “Daddy, do you love Jesus? Are you going to be in Heaven with us? Daddy, I want you to be in Heaven with me. Please??????????!!!!!!!!!! Daddy?????????????!!!!!!!!!!”. He was deeply moved.



      In the meantime, all the sister’s prayer and fasting had resulted in her having such a close and beautiful
 relationship with Jesus that He had given her the gifts of discernment of spirits, healing, prophecy, tongues and interpretation of tongues. She eventually ministered healing as a part of a well known healing ministry. He gave her a large women’s teaching and counseling ministry at a large Protestant church. Father blessed her husband with a very slow lukemia that woke him up to spiritual Truth. Before he died he had become one of the kindest and most Loving brothers you could ever hope to meet. After he died, Father blessed her with a genuinely born again brother who became her husband and partner in ministry.

      Now that is the worse case scenario, believer married to

      Now that is a worse case scenario with an unbelieving husband. If your husband claims to be genuinely born again in the Spirit by total reliance on Jesus alone for his salvation, then please fast and pray about doing Matthew 18:15-17 with your husband and a supportive group from your church. You have my prayers dear sister. I hope you become a prayer and a faster like my relative did.

    • Ron Tyler
      May 13, 2014 at 4:53 am #

      Dear “Coz I’m not dead”,
      If your husband claims to be a believer and is an active member of a church, I hope and pray that you Love Jesus enough to obey Him and do Matthew 18:15-17 with your husband and the church. If you get to v. 17 and he rejects the appeal of both you and the delegation of believers from your church, then Jesus instructs you to relate to him as you would to an unbeliever. That would move your relationship to that of 1 Corinthians 7:10-15, where the believing wife is instructed to not leave her unbelieving husband, but if she does leave him and he still wants to live with her as her husband, then v. 11 instructs her to remain separated but single, or be reconciled with him. When he no longer wants to live in marriage with her and he separates himself from her, then she is no longer bound to him in the Kingdom of God and is free to remarry. Having dealt with this before and seen the failure to obey Matt 18:15-17 result in marital tragedy affecting mates and their children, I hope and pray you will love Jesus enough to obey Him. I know Mat 18:17 might appear to be hard to do, but all you need is a delegation, of 4 or more, to join you in confronting him about his rebellion and disobedience of clear Scripture in 1 Corinth 7:1-5 and Prov 5:18-20. Praying for you.

      • MHMC
        May 13, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

        Amen.

    • kleronomia (@kleronomia1)
      May 13, 2014 at 6:14 pm #

      Nichra:

      Good grief! My heart goes out to you. I totally can’t comprehend the callousness nor what even might be going through his spirit to treat someone like that. Let me pray for you: “Dear Lord Jesus, be with this woman and especially be with her husband. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t or would be afraid to be intimate with his wife, but You do Lord. Give him courage to face up to whatever he needs to do to deal with this situation. And in the meantime minister to her needs in her heart and soul; comfort her; help her look up and draw close to you and be healed. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

      • peacefulwife
        May 13, 2014 at 9:16 pm #

        Thank you so much, kleronomia! I am praying with you for our sister and her husband!

  17. MHMC
    December 21, 2013 at 12:55 am #

    I would agree with what you said about wives needing to give your man some space, allowing him to come to the wife on his own time and his own terms. I took this approach. Typically, I am the one who initiates, and I usually feel like I’m begging. I’ve backed off more and more over the years, and this last time I just made it my priority to let him initiate. Unfortunately, it took him 4 months. Then one day, at 10pm, out of the blue he says, “wanna do it?”. It was painful, and I started bawling. I told him that after 4 months of no intimate contact, I needed some touch, some indication that he wanted me. It took him another 3 days to want it, and I still ended up initiating it. It’s more than frustrating. It’s heartbreaking. It really makes you feel repulsive. I used to get excited around him, and my desire for him was so strong. Now, I look forward to him not being home, because the pain is so hard to bear. It’s easier to be alone, then to be near him and not be desired.

    • peacefulwife
      December 21, 2013 at 6:21 am #

      MHMC,
      I am so sorry for your pain!

      Do you know what is going on with him? Medical issues? Stress? Side effects of medication?

      Praying for wisdom and healing for you both.

      • MHMC
        December 21, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

        He’s always had anxiety- I’m sure there’s some depression in there, too. We’ve always had issues in the bedroom- for most of out marriage it’s been once or twice a month. It just seems to have gotten much worse. Other issues in our marriage have boiled to the surface, and as I’ve been trying to get help, counseling, seek out pastoral help, he keeps refusing to participate. I’ve become aware of some lies, and it has created lots of mistrust. I know these are all causes of a lack of intimacy, but it makes me angry that instead of trying to find solutions to our problems, he just keeps ignoring them- and me.

        • peacefulwife
          December 21, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

          MHMC,

          What do the counselors say for you to do?

          Is he willing to go to the dr?

          How is your relationship with Christ?

          Much love!

          • mhmc
            December 23, 2013 at 2:33 am #

            Sorry- working from two different computers-
            My husband rarely says anything. I confronted him recently about giving me the silent treatment. Very frequently he outright ignores me. He even gave our 13 yr old daughter the silent treatment for 3 days. When I confronted him about it, he stopped ignoring her, but it was a very cold relationship. He has been on medication for anxiety twice in the last 5 years- currently on it now for the last 2 years. I’ve been through the whys and the how’s. I’ve blamed myself for not making him happy. I’ve read the books that tell the wife to be more kind, understanding, respectful, etc. After 13 yrs I’m at a loss. I ask God every day to change both our hearts. I pray that someone comes to him and tells him what God is saying him (he’s certainly not going to hear it from me). I understand a certain level of thoughtfulness needs to be used to discuss these things, but it seems I’ve done all that and still nothing. I really have tried to be what he says he wants- yet he does nothing. He even went so far as to say he wanted to “spice thing up in the bedroom!That’s after 13 years of saying no to me more times than I can count. You asked how I initiate- it’s different every time. Sometimes I even say that I would like him to “consider it” days in advance thinking that might help. It doesn’t. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is something really wrong. Either this has something to do with him trying to control, or he’s having an affair. Either way, I continue to pray that God reveals the truth.

            • peacefulwife
              December 23, 2013 at 6:43 am #

              MHMC,

              It is possible that there could be a medical issue, low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, etc, depression (some medications can also lower libido dramatically and affect sexual performance).

              What was his parents’ marriage like?

              What was your parents’ marriage like?

              Was he sexually abused?

              Is he addicted to porn?

              How is your relationship with Christ going?

              Much love!

              • MHMC
                December 23, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

                Thank you- He’s been like this most of our marriage- even before he ever went on medication for anxiety. I have considered the low T as a cause- problem is, we have gone moments in our marriage (very few and far between) when he’s trying to “smooth” things over with me, and we will have sex 2 to 3 times a week! It seems, especially when you look at these instances, that he really does have control over it physically. If I were to guess, it’s a mental problem, not a physical one.

                His mom says about her marriage: “It’s been a 50 year sentence”. She is not happy, even less now that my husband’s dad has had a stroke. My husband’s father was/is very selfish.

                I don’t know about abuse- I used to think he told me everything, but I’ve recently been made aware of secrets that were kept. I honestly don’t know if he would tell me if he was sexually abused. I know he suffered mental/emotional abuse from his father.

                I’ve discovered porn in the past, but no idea if it’s still a problem. He has admitted to masturbating as well, which upset me since he says no to me all the time.

                As far as my relationship with Christ goes, it’s been hard. I trust Christ. I love Christ- I know God has a purpose in it, and that the only way my husband will change is through his own faith in Christ. But I have been suffering from depression. I recently lost my job (long story, but it had to do with something my husband did and my employer found out- it was nothing to do with what I did, but I lost my job anyway), I’ve been so saddened by the state of our marriage, I’ve been seeing a counselor once a month for 2 years- reading the Bible used to be something I truly enjoyed and couldn’t wait to come home from work and study the Word- but now, it’s a chore. I don’t know why. I’m not angry at God. I am angry at my husband, but not at God. I pray- and I cry. I look forward to church and being with other Christians, because it’s all the Word I’m getting right now.

                • peacefulwife
                  December 23, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

                  MHMC,

                  What is your counselor saying for you to focus on?

                  If there is a porn addiction, it is very common for husbands to eventually not be able to respond to a flesh and blood woman, even their own wife.

                  What was he like before marriage? Was there ever a time that he seemed excited about having sex?

                  I am SURE there will be a lot of bitterness and resentment toward your husband that you will have to lay down. If you hang on to bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment, it will choke your relationship with God – grieve His Spirit and keep Him from forgiving you (Matthew 6).

                  To find the joy in your walk with Christ, all the bitterness and unforgiveness will have to go.

                  I plan to post this on this site in a day or two, but you may find some help in a post on my other site today about Finding Contentment http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com

                  I am SO sorry to hear about your job. Is your husband still working? Has he apologized for what happened with your job?

                  Sending you a HUGE HUG my precious sister!

          • Ronals Tyler
            December 25, 2013 at 1:00 am #

            Thank God you are still initiating, still doing your best to obey the Word in Prov 5:19 & 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 – to be letting him know you are willing, to be intimately having him, to be respecting his sexual authority over your body, and to not be denying him for any other reason than agreed upon prayer and fasting. Please think about what I’m about to tell you. I didn’t really understand it until it happened to me. When the mother of my children left me, something glandular happened in my brain, and my testosterone level dropped way down into the female range, and my estrogen levels rose to normal female range. It was amazing. I had been very sexually active since age 10 when my dad’s magazines got me hooked on porn. Then at age 45 I was estrogen dominated, and no beautiful woman on stage, screen, church, magazine or sidewalk moved me. They were just people, just another person. No temptations. No burning desire that I had to control for 35 years. And then it got so bad i had gynocomastia and began to grow a female breast! The endocrinologist put me on meds and within 3 years I was back to normal testosterone levels, to normal head turning reaction to very attractive women. The news is full of how American men are getting too much estrogen, from the food they eat to the fat cells in their bodies, making men more and more passive and less sexually stimulated. So ladies, before you give up on him, get his testosterone levels checked, and if necessary, treated. Put cheap gas in your car and your car will run like a car on cheap gas. Can’t expect an estrogen dominated male to behave like a normal fully testosterone male. Sex is a glandular experience and sometimes the glands need a little medical help.

            • peacefulwife
              December 25, 2013 at 7:30 am #

              Thanks, Ronald!

              Yes, there actually is a HUGE decrease in mens’ testosterone levels today because of the foods we are eating and the sedentary lifestyle and a host of factors. This is a very significant problem. Thankfully, low testosterone can be treated very successfully.

  18. joanne
    January 7, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    i feel rejected by my husband numerous times. we’re married for a year but we’re together for 5 years. our sex life is not as active as it was during our first 3years. it hurts me alot everytime i got rejected. But he is a good husband, i have no complains regarding his attitude. But everytime he refuse to make love with me i feel insecure to myself and i doubt myself of not being a good wife. it feels like i dont give him the satisfaction. Another thing is that i feel our marriage is not a good one. i’m feeling alot of negative emotions. it hurts me so much. But after reading this article somehow i was enlightened. i cannot say im not hurt anymore. but thank you for this article. this made me realize to seek God’s help and pray for my husband. because before my mind is being rebellious as i want to make revenge to him because im so mad at him. i almost forget that God is just a prayer away. thank you because i feel better now. it is so shameful but i have to admit i foret HIM when everything in my life is okay. thank you. i feel blessed.

    • peacefulwife
      January 7, 2014 at 1:38 pm #

      joanne,

      It DOES HURT so much when our husbands reject us. I have definitely been there.
      I pray you might look around at some of the other posts on my site. Especially the ones at the top about disrespect and respect. There is some eye-opening and life changing stuff here that I don’t want you to miss! :)

      I’m right here any time you need to talk. I thank God that He is giving you hope!!!!

      Much love my precious sister!

      • joanne
        January 7, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

        when he initiate he never get rejected. we just make love when he wants to but when i am the one who initiates i always get denied. i already told him this but nothing has change. before i came up to your article i told myself last night will be the last time i will be rejected because i will never ask him to make love with me and if he will be the one who will initiate i will say no as my revenge to him and will sait until the time he will say sorry to me for rejecting me all the time. yes i feel like im a bad wife but my ego is telling me to do so. but now i realize it wi not work. Honestly speaking i dont know if i want to have sex with him again because after last night i feel cold to him. but now im praying for our marriage that’s all i can do now because honestly i dont know what to do it feels awkward.

        • peacefulwife
          January 7, 2014 at 4:22 pm #

          Joanne,

          How often were you trying to initiate? What would he do?

          Sometimes husbands don’t always recognize our attempts to initiate.

          I Corinthians 7 contains God’s commands for us in this department.
          3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

          So, I think it is important to be available to him. I want him to be available to you, too.

          Is he feeling overall very respected in the marriage?

          Does he say anything that he wants to be different?

          I will do all that I can to point you to Christ and His Word and healing for yourself and your marriage. :)

  19. peacefulwife
    February 5, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

    There are two more stories I would like to include in my book – planning to send to editing this week! I’d love to have two husbands’ perspectives about how wives can respect their husbands sexually.

    I’d like one husband’s story who has felt disrespected, smothered and too pressured by his wife to have sex and how painful that was for him and how a wife could bless her husband in such a situation. And I’d like one husband’s story who felt rejected often by his wife and how painful that has been from his perspective and how a wife could bless a husband in this situation.

    I’d like something between 250-1000 words (more if you would like) – not too explicit with the sexual details, please! I want to focus more on the respect and emotional and spiritual aspect of these scenarios.

    Thank you so much!

    I’d like to have the stories this week, please.

  20. Annette
    February 13, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    After years of searching for answers to my husbands rejection I came across a few websites that describe “intimacy anorexia” coined by Dr. Douglas Weiss.
    It’s becoming more and more recognized and has been hurting marriages for decades. It’s the active (and subtle)withholding of affection, intimacy, etc…
    When I found this it described our marriage exactly and was such a relief to find an actual problem that we could pinpoint. If you tend to second guess yourself when it comes to the way your spouse treats you and/or they are more charming and doting around others you might want to check it out. Husbands or wives can be an intimacy anorexic, and it usually is because they don’t like themselves very much so they put others down to make themselves feel better. It’s emotional tourture for the rejected spouse and gives an amazing relief to feel validated. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and I’m happy to not have to wonder what’s so wrong with me that he rejects me anymore.

    • peacefulwife
      February 13, 2014 at 9:17 pm #

      Annette,

      I am not familiar with that term. Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry for your pain. How I pray for healing for your marriage.

    • peacefulwife
      February 13, 2014 at 9:18 pm #

      Annette,

      Is there a recommended treatment for this, I wonder?

      • kdkdkd
        February 14, 2014 at 2:27 am #

        Hmmmm. . . . .certainly worth checking out.

  21. Jathy
    February 14, 2014 at 2:18 am #

    I am at such a loss. My husband of 12 years has never shown any interest in being intimate, romantic or even showing affection towards me. A few moments ago that intimacy doesn’t matter to him. He tells me he never thinks about me but yet he tells me he loves me. I am so confused,hurt and lonely.

    • peacefulwife
      February 16, 2014 at 9:01 am #

      Jathy,
      Goodness! That would be very painful. :( what were things like in the beginning? Does he have any medical problems or is he on rx medications? Any history of sexual abuse or porn addiction?

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?
      And your parents’ marriage?

      Any addictions or infidelity or mental health disorders or abuse in the marriage?
      Sending you a huge hug!!!
      Much love,
      April

  22. Kri RUstici
    February 19, 2014 at 12:44 pm #

    Where to start. I met my Husband after a bad break up with his Ex. He was never into sex so much but I thought it would change. Ha! He wrote me the most romantic letters that swept me off my feet. All of a sudden he broke up with me to go back out with his Ex. I was devastated but moved on. A few months later we ran into each other while I was on a date with someone else. He started to call me again because he was jealous I think. He told me he really loved me and that he broke it off with his ex because of that. At 23 I believed him. Still very rarely had sex. Maybe once a month. He worked construction and was always tired. I would reach for him and he would push me away. I would cry myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me. We got married and went on our honeymoon for 2 weeks. Not once the whole time did we have sex. I had to almost force him the night of our wedding!! I went through all kinds of depression thinking I was not good enough for him, self doubt, etc. I was a fairly attractive girl. 5’9 125lbs. Never had trouble before. After 1 child (bounced back quick) it got even worse. Maybe 2 times a year we would have sex and it was always about him never about me. He would say sorry get you next time. Was trying to have another child so we had sex more during this time. I miscarried 5 times. The last I was 5.5 months pregnant. He was mad and upset and said no more! He didn’t want to go through this anymore. I started working out and was in the best shape of my life. He still had no interest in me. We were going to a work party for me one night and he decided he did not want to go. I was upset and went, drank to much and ended up having a one night stand with someone. Someone at the party told my husband 2 years later because she had a crush on him. It destroyed him and me. He then tried to put his mark on me and have sex all the time. Then he would scream and yell call me all kinds of names. He became physical. It was horrible. Long story short it has been 17 years since then we had another child (He thinks its not his sometimes just to hurt me) Looks exactly like him. He has numerous medical issues and could not perform if he wanted to now. I am 53 and have had sex maybe 10 times in the last 10 years. None the last year at all. I know I should leave but feel scared and terrible for my son who loves his Dad. He has one year left of HS and figure I can stick it out, but them I will be the bad guy for leaving my Husband after 28 years because he has so many Medical Issues. Trapped for the rest of my life! In my heart I believe that he was never in love with me and it was only his Ex and she rejected him again so he turned back up in my life because he was the kind of guy who couldn’t be alone. I should have never have done what I did. I regret it everyday of my life. So down about myself and I know now in my heart that it wasn’t me but something with him, but I can’t seem to erase the years of self doubt and very low self esteem about myself. Just felt good finally sharing my story. Thank You

    • peacefulwife
      February 20, 2014 at 6:04 am #

      Kri,

      Goodness! What a nightmare. :(

      I am so sorry that you have both been through so much pain and heartbreak.

      Are you safe? Is he still physically abusing you?

      Jesus is able to heal you. He is able to bring something beautiful from this awful situation. If you are interested in talking about how to have a relationship with Him and how He is able to forgive you and give you a new heart and a new mind and real joy and peace, I’d love to talk with you about that.

      You may also want to seek a godly Christian counselor who will give biblical counsel. You have had some very serious issues in the marriage.

      But – I believe there is every reason for hope in Christ! In Him, all things are possible. :)

      • Lostinlife
        February 20, 2014 at 8:53 am #

        Thank you for your reply. It is just good to get this off my chest. I have gone to counseling. I was told I should leave. He refuses to go to counseling. For soooooo many years I really thought it was me. I still have my own issues of not feeling good enough. He doesn’t trust me anymore and it has been 17 years. I know I have turned in to an unhappy person when I am at home. I no longer have any desire to have sex. Just so sad all the time. There are so many things I want to do in my life and because of his physical handicaps (Most brought on himself). He is a Diabetic who never took care of himself. He is extremely overweight now, eats whatever he feels like, almost lost his foot 10 years ago due to the Diabetes. He can barely walk now and I am sure he will be looking at amputation before long. He does nothing to help himself. Sits in his chair most of the day. Never does any kind of physical activity anymore. I know he is extremely depressed also but does absolutely nothing to help himself. I will never be able to do anything. He can barely walk anymore. I can no longer keep up with all the chores at our house. I just want to sell and move into something more manageable for me. It almost seems like something must have happened to him as a child. His whole family is very dysfunctional. Doesn’t speak to his Dad who left when he was 12 and didn’t see him again until he was 19 years old. His Mom has many, many issues, his sister has been married twice and both husbands left her for other women. My brother in law has been married 3 times and is going through his 3rd divorce. My parents basically had a story book marriage and were very in love. Unfortunately my Dad passes when he was 63 and my Mom never quite got over it. She passed from Alzhiemers a few years ago. In my heart I know I deserve better, I deserve to have someone love me and want me but I am scared. My insurance is through my husbands job and I don’t want to upset the apple cart at this point because of my son. Just not sure what to do. I used to be so attracted to my Husband. For so many years whenever I saw him I would get butterfly’s in my stomach but yet I knew in my heart he never felt that way about me. I can’t believe that I have wasted most of my life living with someone who was never attracted to me. I have always been a strong person and can handle almost anything thrown my way, but when it comes to him, I am a mess. He has a quick mind and a very sharp tongue. He says some of the most horrible things to me. Last year I went to bed one night and his dog who is very protective of him was sleeping next to him, I came up with our old dog and his dog charged him and had him by the face and he was crying. I kicked his dog to get her off of the old one who could not defend himself and he flipped out on me in front of my son. Called me a vicous Cxxx. I could not believe he said that to me. I got so angry I said what did you say to me? he repeated it and I slapped him. I grabbed some clothes and left. My son and daughter kept calling me begging me to come home. They both said he was horrible to say such a thing to me. I ended up going back the next day. I am a complete animal lover and would never just do something to harm one of my animals. Funny his dog did the same thing again recently and he hit her and threw her outside. Way worse then what I did. I didn’t say a word. I just looked at him and I knew he thought about what he had said to me that night. He would never just apologize to me. I live in Sandy Hook Ct and between what happened here last year and my home life I am just devastated I’m just worn out. Thank you again for listening to me. :(

        • peacefulwife
          February 21, 2014 at 9:15 am #

          Lostinlife,

          I believe there is every reason for hope in Christ, my precious girl!

          Was it a Christian counselor you spoke to?

          I’d love for you to read my post today

          Let’s talk about how you can move forward to become the woman and wife God desires you to be, and how you can find healing, wholeness, real peace, joy, purpose and identity in Christ.

          And we will trust God to begin to work in your husband’s heart, to bring him to Himself and to bring healing to him.

          Much love to you!!!!!

          Also, please check out – Spiritual Causes of Depression and Anxiety.

          Let’s take your burdens to Jesus. He is the only one who can heal you. But He is able to give you a new heart, new mind and a new life. And, He is able to do the same for your husband, too. It sounds like he has been very deeply wounded in his childhood and is still imprisoned by what happened to him.

          Much love,
          April

  23. Karen
    April 13, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

    The moment I met my husband in 1993, I knew beyond any doubt that he was THE ONE! When I arrived home that night I woke my mum and told her: “Mamma! Tonight I met the guy I’m going to marry!” He was like I thought an angel would be. He was kindness, gentleness, strength and goodness personified. Beautiful soft blue eyes, and to me the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. We started dating in March 1993 and got married in Dec 1995.
    Now, 18 years and 3 children (15yrs, 14yrs, and 10yrs) later, I’m amazed at the immense physical pain I feel in my heart that reaches up into my throat and strangles me so hard that the tears just run like rivers down my cheeks and neck and soak my bra…I do my mourning at night when everyone’s asleep. I say mourning, because the pain feels the same as if someone had died.
    He does’n want me and I’m wondering if he ever really loved me. I can deal with him not being interested in sex, but not with being rejected on all other levels.
    When you love someone you are interested in her life. You want to know what she likes and what she’s interested in and what is important to her. You would look in her eyes when having a conversation with her…you would actually want to have conversations with her. You would want to share in her joy and know when she’s sad. You would want to hold her hand tight and give it a kiss. You would give her hugs and make her feel safe. It would be important to you that the kids know you love their mummy. You would kiss her good night and good morning. You would acknowledge her expressions of love and respect for you. She would from time to time see you as excited about her as you are about your new fishing gear.
    I feel so alone. So sad…
    I love Jesus and have a wonderful personal relationship with our Lord. My husband is a Christian, but doesn’t feel it necessary to be a born again Christian. He doesn’t want to go to Church. I do pray for him. I want him to have the joy in Jesus that I have. I want him to be the king of our household as God intends him to be.
    I work hard to try and be a submissive and respectful wife and I still need a lot of work! I am a work in progress an by no means even near perfect but I am trying. I have shared my concerns with him many times over the years but he just doesn’t even try. I’m thinking that he may never have loved me….

    • peacefulwife
      April 13, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

      Karen,
      I am so glad to hear from you! Goodness, I feel your pain. I had hundreds of nights of tears myself earlier in our marriage. It is very painful to feel utterly rejected for long periods if time.

      Would you like to talk about this with me?

      I am praying for all of you!

      • Karen
        April 13, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

        Yes I would:)

  24. T Stafford
    April 21, 2014 at 8:37 am #

    I have been looking for a blog to vent and see if other women were going thru what I am… We have been married almost 18 years.. We use to have a wonderful sex life but my husband has chronic back pain and for the last 5 years it has went to none.. He is on lots of medication and I know why we don’t but it’s so hard for me to deal with because I have a strong sex drive.. I’m the only one who works and it’s just hard.. He’s a wonderful man and had always been good to me.. Please pray for me

    • peacefulwife
      April 21, 2014 at 8:07 pm #

      T Stafford,

      That is so hard!

      I severely sprained my lower back the week after our honeymoon. Waited 6 years of dating and saved sex for marriage, had a glorious week and then I couldn’t bend over, get out of bed, put on my shoes, sit, stand, walk, roll over in bed. It was awful. I cried all ready every day for months. Greg stopped touching me. He turned me down every time I tried to initiate. I know now that he was afraid he would have hurt me, and I know that he would have. But I was completely devastated and spiraled into the most awful depression of my life. My back got better but it took many months. Now, I do exercises and go to a very good chiropractor, but as a pharmacist, I know many patients with severe back pain who cannot do that. Lower back problems make sex almost impossible because you can’t move. All the motions required for sex cause further injury. :(

      Would he be willing to use his hands on you, maybe? That wouldn’t hurt his back, hopefully.

      I am praying for you!!

  25. Army wife 2005
    April 27, 2014 at 9:07 am #

    This topic has really helped me. I pray about it and even though he refuses to touch me I have find peace with reading your article. My husband problem is mainly he would rather watch porn. After our four kids he lost interest really after the 1st the few times in past 10 years we have been intimate I got pregnant. But even after getting fixed and more he does t have any interest in me. I feel just as you said unattractive, depressed and miserable. It’s hard loving someone and being attracted to them and not get anything in return no hugs kisses or I love yous or sex. Literally nothing presents or Christmas or birthdays anniversary’s and so on. Not even recognized I feel alone and humiliated.

    • peacefulwife
      April 27, 2014 at 2:23 pm #

      Army wife,

      Porn addiction can change a man’s brain so much that he is no longer able to be roused by his wife. :( That is not your fault! It is not about you being inadequate. This is sin that has him ensnared. And the enemy rejoices and desires to use this sin to destroy him, his life, your marriage, you and your family.

      Is he willing to get help? Does he have a godly male mentor or accountability partner?

      http://Www.xxx.church.org has resources, even for wives of husbands who are addicted to porn. And http://www.brentriggs.com has a book for couples who are struggling and suffering from the awful consequences of pornography.

      What does your husband say he needs? When did things change?

      How is your walk with Christ?

      How’s re the other areas of your marriage?

      What do you do when you feel so depressed, upset, rejected and in pain?

      I wish I could hug your neck, my precious sister!

  26. Kayce
    May 11, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

    My husband gave up pornography, by the grace of God, around the time that we got married and became sexually active. He is a very godly man and has succeeded in maintaining abstinence in this area, but it seems as if now he’s shut down that entire portion of his brain. Our sex life is much like you described in this article. But I don’t want my husband to think of sex (or even just his desire for me) as something dirty. I’m sure he knows that sex is a beautiful thing God created for a woman and a man to share in their marriage, but how can he begin to see sex in this positive light? Rather than just putting up his guard all the time to protect from falling back into the same sin? It’s as if he’s always on the defense and doesn’t want to ever pursue me. Do you know of a resource I could point him to to help him?

  27. Erik
    May 14, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

    My wife and were married 20 years ago. Occasionally had sex before we were married however the fear of pregnancy kept us from really enjoying it. She told me sex would be better if we were married ’cause we wouldn’t have to worry about that. It didn’t get better. She quite often avoided sex(she later admitted that). Most discussions we had about sex were very short and sarcastic on her part. I would try to arouse her at night and get no response so many times I would go downstairs and “ring my own doorbell” so to speak. That is something that never occurred to me I would be doing after I got married. About 10 years after we married she recorded Dr. Phil on the Oprah show, told me to watch it and then she went to bed. When I finished watching I went to bed and she was sound asleep. At that point I gave up. I think I actually went through a mourning process. We still had sex, no more or less than before but really didn’t mean much and not much enjoyment on my part. Now she wants sex and doesn’t understand why I’m not initiating anymore. A few years ago my erections started going south. Any health issues have been ruled out. Started using viagra, that has helped. She wanted me to refill a couple months ago (the first 6 pills lasted 7 months). I explained to her that they were expensive. Her response was “they`re still cheaper than a gigilo”.
    Sex has probably been the most frustrating part of our marriage and one of the biggest disappointments in my life. I liken our sex life to a balloon, if someone lets the air out you can blow it back up again but ours has been popped and I don’t know how to put it back together (and I will NEVER want to get a new balloon). Any suggestions would be appreciated.

    • peacefulwife
      May 14, 2014 at 6:52 pm #

      Erik,
      This breaks my heart. :(

      I have heard from quite a number of husbands who were rejected over and over for many years and then eventually they kind of “snapped” and they began to refuse their wives. I think because the pain was just intolerable, perhaps?

      I have a post about a wife’s respect and sexual attraction at the top of my home page – could be interesting.

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      Thanks so much for your comment. I am praying for healing for you both!

  28. Sad & Lonely Wife
    May 29, 2014 at 10:52 am #

    I googled and found this post. I am so upset. My husband of 6 years is an amazing man. We’ve been through a lot together. Fought infertility, failed treatments, a surprise pregnancy that ended in stillbirth, and recently the adoption of our daughter. After losing our son, our relationship was stronger than ever. We became Christians together about 2 years ago and it has been an incredible journey. Problem is, lately I feel rejected by him sexually. We rarely have sex, it’s usually quick and almost robotic when we do. I’m overweight and feel very self conscious about it. I am afraid he’s no longer attracted to me. He says that’s not the case. I was previously married and in that relationship, I developed the mindset that sex = love/attention/self worth. Our marriage was struggling and sex was the only “positive” attention I got from him. I’ve shared this information with my husband and he says that it’s not fair that I hold my past relationship against him. But I’m not, it’s not a choice I’m making consciously, its engraved in my head and on my heart. I can’t help but feel loved when we are more frequently intimate and feel unloved and disconnected when we aren’t. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he’s usually quick to stash it under the rug so to speak because he doesn’t like confrontation. Unfortunately, when I feel disconnected and rejected, I respond with distance and anger. Why?? It doesn’t help the situation any but then he asks me if something is wrong and while I’d love to use that as an open invitation to be honest with him, the way he asks me sounds like he’s annoyed that he’s having to ask vs. asking out of pure concern. So instead, I feel attacked and just respond with, “nothing’s wrong.” I know this is not right but I don’t know what to do. I made him a gift earlier this week and gave to him. I apologized for being so mean lately hoping it would open the door to conversation and instead he just acted like it was no big deal. I’m so lost and I’ve been praying and trying to be encouraged but I feel myself pulling away from him a little more each day. I just don’t know what to do. I fear that he’s using porn. I caught him using it one of the first few years we were together and we had a huge conversation about out and he promised he never would again. I have no reason to believe he it’s other than he deletes his web history. And I think my insecurities are possibly clouding my vision because it makes me worry that he is using it again/still. I’m so upset, I just don’t know what to do.

    • Kate
      September 3, 2014 at 9:40 pm #

      I’m so sorry, everyone’s situation is different but I know the pain of rejection, insecurity, feeling unloved, and everything else you mentioned. My husband also told me that it’s not me, I did gain a few pounds after we were blessed with our daughter but I’m still “normal” weight and honestly I feel pretty confident in my skin. I try not to let the rejection make me feel bad about my body but it’s so hard not to, no matter what your shape or size. He also uses porn, which is so hurtful because clearly he’s thinking about sex, just not with me. I will be praying for you and all the others here, I hope this is just a test for us and that we can find happiness in out marriages again. As others mentioned, no matter how wonderful our husbands are it’s hard to feel loved when you’re going through this.

  29. glory2him
    June 8, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

    I didn’t see this reason posted in the article, but possibly it’s listed in the comments? My husband habitually sexually rejects me because he is passive aggressive. He withholds as a means of control…not just sex, but whatever my need is (compassion through medical crisis, affection, patience, ….etc.) If a passive aggressive person knows what it is you need, (or even if you’ve made an agreement with them concerning your needs) they will set out to stonewall that need from being met. Expectation, of any sort, is met with rejection and withholding. This is a serious personality disorder and causes many wives to feel like they are “losing it.”

    • MHMC
      June 8, 2014 at 10:40 pm #

      I have read about passive aggressive behavior Nd believe that is what I am also experiencing from my husband. I sued to think it was just in the area – now I know it’s any time I want/need him. I recently fell and hurt myself. Instead of coming to my aid and making sure I was ok, he stood at the top if steps with his hands on his hips and just watched me struggle to get up off the ground. I struggled with this behavior for years- he responded this same way when I fell while I was pregnant. After learning about this, an going back an reviewing the things that I’ve seen and heard from him, if realized that I’m not dealing with normal behavior. This is more than that. It’s a need for control, and a need to disconnect. Anything to be independent and not be accountable to anyone. An yet it’s an inward longing to be loved and wanted. It’s very strange behavior. And it can make the spouse feel crazy, unwanted, rejected yet pulled in at the same time. The only way to lib with it is to learn how to not take any of it personally, and leArn how to respond to the behavior in a very matter of fact, unemotional way. I have not learned how to do this, and spend much of my time crying wondering What I did to deserve his anger an rejection.

      • peacefulwife
        June 9, 2014 at 7:13 am #

        MHMC,
        Goodness, that makes me so sad!!!!! :(

        Sometimes husbands do awful things because they are sinners – not because their wife did something “wrong.” I’m so very sorry that he won’t help you when you have fallen. Praying for wisdom for you and the resources you need.

        • MHMC
          June 10, 2014 at 1:59 pm #

          April, in reading some of your other posts, I’m getting frustrated (and angry, but that’s my problem). Your advice to controlling women lists all the things they do, that they shouldn’t, and all the things they should do, that they aren’t. I appreciate that, because it helps me put into context what I am, and am not, doing. The part that makes me frustrated is this:

          I am a very outgoing person. (Not necessarily controlling, as I like to be independent, but I am the kind of person that when I see something that needs to be done, I just do it). There are things on the list of “dos” that actually make my husband angry. For instance, not offering advice when listening, and just being there for support. My husband seems to take it personally if I don’t respond in a certain way. I’ve tried to figure this out, and continually feel like I am just falling short. Through our interactions, it feels like he WANTS to be treated as a dependent, which is really frustrating to me, because I’m wanting a leader. He wants me to earn money and work full time because it eases the burden off of him to work. However, after his career switch, he started going to school and only works part time. It feels as if your advice- which is great advice- is the exact OPPOSITE of what makes my husband happy. This makes me feel like I’m living with an unbiblical husband (which I’m starting to believe is the case, even though he professes a faith in Jesus). He displays an opposite personality with me and the kids than with anyone else. He is happy and cooperative with others, and becomes angry and disengaged at home. I feel at a loss. I really don’t know how to act. If being a “peaceful wife” makes him angry, do I just keep being a “peaceful wife” until he accepts it, or do I go back to whatever works for him- even though it so unhealthy? (And makes me feel ugly, worthless, and unloved).

          • peacefulwife
            June 10, 2014 at 3:29 pm #

            MHMC,

            Each husband will have his own sense of what is respectful/disrespectful. I offer lists with examples to get women into the ballpark -especially with husbands who don’t or can’t articulate what is respectful or disrespectful to them. But the most important thing is what your husband needs.

            There are times when a wife is changing and husbands get angry about the changes. Especially if they begin to feel conviction about their own sins. And sometimes husbands will lash out and try to get their wives to go back to the old ways because they can then blame their wives’ sins for their own behavior and don’t have to face their own sins.

            I believe you may need a one on one biblical, Christian counselor for your situation. I think it is a bit more complicated and you may need more specific help.

            Thank you very much for sharing!

            I’m sorry this is so frustrating.

            It is possible that he is fighting you about leading because he may not want the responsibility. It may be that he is eventually glad you give him the leading position. But almost all men hate change, even good change.

            Praying for you to find the resources and counsel that you need and most of all for sensitivity to God’s voice and His Spirit. He can prompt you about what exactly to do and say in a given situation in ways that I never possibly could.

            Much love to you!

            • MHMC
              June 10, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

              Thank you, April. It is helpful- and reassuring- to know that it may not be me. I’m willing to take responsibility for what I’ve done and said- but I’m not really willing to be held accountable for his actions. Your prayers are appreciated.

              • peacefulwife
                June 10, 2014 at 11:26 pm #

                MHMC,
                Men are sinners, too. A wife may do everything perfectly, and a husband may still choose to sin. It also may be growing pains as you are changing, that forces him to have to face things he hasn’t had to face before. I wish I could hug your neck!!

                Did I tell you about the post, “I’m Trying to Respect and Submit to My Husband and He Is Being More Unlocving Than Ever…” If not, you may want to search for it on my home page.

                I don’t know how much of it may apply, but it might give you some things to prayerfully consider. :)

  30. kiran
    June 20, 2014 at 7:11 am #

    Me and my husband have been married for 1 year but together for 8years. Sex was great between us but since we have got married we hardly make love. He always rejects me and comes out with a million excuses. I feel so sad hurt n upset that i dont know what to do anymore. Always question myself maybe hes gone off me or maybe there is another women. I just dont know what to do. Please any advice or help would be grwatly appreciated.

    • peacefulwife
      June 20, 2014 at 9:16 am #

      Kiran,
      I am so sorry to hear about this painful situation. :(. I wish no husband or wife ever had to feel this kind of pain. How do you respond when you feel rejected? What does he say? What is your relationship with Christ? What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Do you know if there could be medical issues going on or if he is very stressed, depressed or exhausted? Or is he feeling disrespected? I have a post at the top of my home page about signs a husband may be feeling disrespected that might be helpful. And a post about respect and sexual desire that could be helpful, depending on the situation.

      Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!

      • kiran
        June 20, 2014 at 11:08 am #

        Well his excuses are he feels tired, its late (when its only like 10pm), hes not in the mood, often says hes stressed coz of work but thats his own fault he brings his work life home he does not know how to balance his work and personal life. When he rejects me i get angry really angry and it ends up in an argument where i then start accusing him of having an affair. Yes he has often said he does not like my attitude and how i speak to him n i disrespect him but he makes me be a b***h tohim. I am soo fed up inside this is killing me i feel there is no trust on my part coz he does shady movements! Feel so lost, i have no one to talk to and so embaressed about this situation. I feel hes not physically attracted to me :-( :-(:'(

        • peacefulwife
          June 20, 2014 at 11:24 am #

          Kiran,

          I don’t know if he is having an affair. But if he is not, and you respond to him with hatred, anger and accusations of an affair, you are shooting yourself in the foot, my precious girl! That kind of behavior repels men far, far away.

          You cannot control him. You can only control you. If he is having an affair, I pray you will be able to find out and find godly counsel soon. If he is not having an affair, I pray you might apologize for being so untrusting and disrespectful – without justifying your behavior.

          I have a lot of YouTube videos that may be helpful about nonverbal disrespect and about how to ask your husband for things so he wants to say yes. My channel is “April Cassidy.”

          I think your approach will have to change dramatically if you really want to draw him to yourself instead of approaching him in such a destructive way. The destructive approach comes very naturally to all of us, but it doesn’t work. I pray you will be able to find hope in Christ and learn how to die to your old sinful self and live in the power of Jesus so that you can begin to breathe life, blessing and healing into your marriage and become the wife God desires you to be and that will most bless your husband.

          Check out my post about what is attractive/unattractive to husbands. Maybe it will bless you. You can search “attractive to husbands” on my home page.

          Praying for you to find healing in Christ.

          Also, you may want to check out the post “how to make your husband an idol.” And “how to be an anxious, lonely wife.”

          Much love to you!!

          • kiran
            June 20, 2014 at 11:47 am #

            Thank you so much for your guidance.. i will take a look at all recommended…i pray this gets better too x

  31. Benny
    July 6, 2014 at 1:45 pm #

    As a husband, and a Christian husband in a marriage with a Christian woman, I found some very relevant information in your article. I have had problems getting worse and worse for years, and have not had relations with my wife for the last 4 years because of it. I did check on my medical situation, and there is a possibility that it might be my weight – but otherwise everything else seems okay. I haven’t been able to figure it out all this time – but I do know that I am perfectly capable of getting physically aroused – its just very fleeting and once the flag goes down they don’t want to raise again.

    Now, the issues that began even before I was having problems was a sense of rejection, which grew to comments of disgust by my “christian” wife. Negative comments about our relations, during relations and even expressing boredom while we are in the act. She rejected me sexually in this way for a bout 4-6 years, ending it in a way that made me feel like having sex with her was a utility rather than what it began as (two people who were just crazy about each other sharing a great experience) – THAT was all taken away by her attitude. A general attitude of not only wanting to be the “alpha female” but the “alpha male” in our house. She will not listen to anything I say about what she does, but is constantly trying to control me and the house. Its a constant battle with her, passively and overtly depending on the topic. I feel like her attitude is like me drinking saltpeter. I have always been easy going, and tried to have a fair and balanced relationship. I have never been a bully or in any way hurtful towards her. I don’t know why she turned from a person who thought I was special to someone who can’t stand everything about me – but yet wants to hit me over the head with the problem that I can’t have relations with her.

    And the other part is that if I have healed (perhaps it was a temporary issue?), I will never know if things changed because although she wants to use the situation to attack me she doesn’t wan me to try and see if it has changed. In other words, she demands that I magically know I am healed before she will attempt to have sex with me. How am I supposed to know that – I don’t know. But its been another strain in our relationship because I can’t test anything due to her being uncomfortable with me possibly not “making it” again.

    I’m sorry if it bothers some females – but sex is a different animal. A man has to feel like you are turned on by him, or it turns HIM off. This is where you need to be active – you cannot just say “If I wasn’t turned on I…” – no, that doesn’t work. It takes you to make him feel wanted. You can say anything you want but those flags are not going to go up unless certain criteria are satisfied – some of which too much talking is not going to help. You cannot convince your man to become aroused, you cannot argue him into it, and the atmosphere you create based on how he is and how you try to manipulate might negatively affect his sexual ability. Its a basic nature that does not appeal to logic or debate. Now whether or not that is my issue remains to be seen. I’m not a person who thinks on those things all the time. But I know that I do feel there is something not right about going into a sexual experience – some kind of pressure that I didn’t used to have… and not where it should be.

  32. Kate
    September 3, 2014 at 9:21 pm #

    Thank you so much for addressing this difficult issue– bringing in the spiritual aspect is very refreshing and eye opening. I’ve only been with my husband for 3 years and am doing my best to keep myself in shape after the birth of our daughter, but this has increasingly become a bigger and bigger issue for us. We are Muslim but the same basic principles still apply. Perhaps God is doing this to bring me closer to Him and to test my commitment both to Him and to my husband. Everyone is tested in life and this must be one of my tests, but the rejection and the waiting are so hurtful. I wasn’t close to God at the time I met my husband, and I was into the club scene getting lots of attention from men, etc. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that just to be desired again which is completely ridiculous because I’m so blessed to have a great husband and beautiful daughter. But I guess this is how God tests us. Sorry for the long post but I really wanted to thank you for sharing this. If anyone is interested in an ongoing support group to help women dealing with this issue I would be interested. Thanks again and God bless

    • Peacefulwife
      September 3, 2014 at 9:43 pm #

      Kate,

      It is wonderful to meet you!!

      There are precious few resources for wives in this situation, in my view. And it is such a painful thing for any spouse to experience. I am glad you are here. You are welcome to share any time. I can understand that it would be tempting to go back to the place where you felt so desired. But I am glad that you see that there is nothing good that could come from that.

      Congratulations on your baby! And on your marriage.

      I am praying for you – that you might find the hope, peace, joy and healing available in Christ.

      Much love!
      April

  33. Steve
    September 18, 2014 at 12:14 pm #

    I’ve been married for 30 unhappy years, and have not left my wife because I honestly don’t think the Bible allows for divorce and remarriage. My wife claims to be a Christian, but has admitted to using sex as a weapon against me, describes herself as “hardhearted and not submissive”, and has insisted on separate bedrooms for most of our marriage. Early on in our marriage she announced to me that we could only have sex on Sunday evenings because that was her only free time. I could go on, but I think the point is clear. She is obviously not the submissive, caring wife, and in my opinion should not have married. It’s been over 15 years since she’s touched me in an affectionate manner. I’ve struggled my whole marriage with lust and temptation, but who wouldn’t? You can’t get blood from a turnip as the saying goes. I’ll look back on my marriage as a waste of 50 years and go to my grave cursing my wife for knowingly destroying our marriage with her willful lack of sexuality and affection. I feel as if I’ve never even had a wife, as she is aloof, detached, and lives in her own little world of religious books and the internet. It’s not always the man’s fault.

  34. allison
    September 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

    I am a young wife, only been married 5 months and my husband and I really struggle with this. He deals with health issues that make him not be in the mood for sex. Coupling that with me as a new wife trying to learn the art of respect (something that I thought I understood before marriage, but that totally changes and becomes a whole different thing when you live together) things are challenging and a lot different than I expected. When he doesn’t want sex I tend to feel like he doesn’t want me which isn’t the case, but is certianly what Satan wants me to believe. What advice do you have for me? How can I channel my sexual desires without disrespecting my husband, and his medical concerns that are out of his control?

    • Peacefulwife
      September 26, 2014 at 9:36 am #

      Allison,

      Yep. I didn’t have issues with respect before marriage – but getting married changed everything! Totally different ball game.

      This is a tough thing. We had a terrible struggle the first summer we got married because I severely sprained my back a week after we got married, and my husband was working on the house we were going to live in with his dad 6 nights per week until 1am. Our honeymoon was glorious, and then, no intimacy for months. I cried constantly and felt so rejected and betrayed. Greg was exhausted working 40 hours per week at his job and then working another 35-40 hours/week on the house. He knew he would hurt me if he tried to be intimate with me. But he never said that, he just stopped touching me. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

      Medical problems can be challenging. I hope your husband will talk with his doctor about possible options – as a pharmacist, I can tell you that many, many men take things like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. There are also other options, as well.

      But, in the mean time – I wonder if your husband would be willing to be intimate with you in other ways?

      What do you do and say when you desire him sexually, but he can’t be available to you?

      What does he say about this? I would imagine it is probably a very painful, sensitive, delicate issue for him.

      • allison
        September 26, 2014 at 1:05 pm #

        He is usually just exhausted and tired and I desire him. He will say just give me some time to relax and since I work over full time. I can’t wait up for hours and am usually asleep by then or he’ll just say no not tonight. At first I begged and he still knows but I just try to let it go. It still hurts though.

        • Peacefulwife
          September 26, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

          Allison,
          How long has this been going on?

          Have you tried initiating in the morning? Sometimes that is a better time for men.

          I’m so sorry for your pain! Yes, this does hurt. I am praying for wisdom for you both!

          • allison
            September 26, 2014 at 2:10 pm #

            Thank you. I really appreciate the prayers. He knows how I feel and I think he really wants to give more of himself but can’t with the migraines insomnia etc. Just pray for the both of us that is so so appreciated.

          • allison
            September 26, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

            I mean if he is ill which is often. I feel like I’m being disrespectful if I push ya know.

        • Peacefulwife
          September 26, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

          Allison,

          How much is he working? How often is he having insomnia and migraines?

          Much love!

          • allison
            September 26, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

            He’s a full time student and I work at this time. He always has a hard time sleeping and has migraines often. We have tried sleeping medicines but it only makes things worse as far as attitude and desire. Sleeping medicines drain him even worse.

            • Peacefulwife
              September 26, 2014 at 3:12 pm #

              Allison,
              I certainly will pray for you both. Insomnia can definitely make migraines much worse. :( so can working a lot of long hours.

  35. kkr
    October 1, 2014 at 3:59 pm #

    My wife got hysterectomy and her overies have been removed. after that operation, she became very reluctanct for sex. even if I beg, she wont accept several times. Even she accepts, only upto masturbation or oral.
    It gives me much unsatisfaction and I became addicted to porn and cyber sex. I know It is sin but when I could not control my self, I sneak into such acts. Some times I tried to have sex with others. I tried to explain my wife about my situation several times. But in vein. with the guilty feeling of my addiction to porn, I am unable to pray. But she is growing spiritually and very prayerful. I suggested for medical help. But she says she is alright. How to tackle my situation. Please help me

    • Peacefulwife
      October 1, 2014 at 6:43 pm #

      kkr,

      Would she consider going with you to a trusted pastor or godly mentoring couple? Or would she consider reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs or For Women Only By Shaunti Feldhahn? In the meantime, Christ CAN give you the power to overcome temptation – and I pray you might seek Him with all your heart. This may be a long process. I pray God might open your wife’s eyes to your needs. But I also pray for you to be able to repent from the sin you are involved in and to focus on becoming the man God calls you to be!

      Resources:

      http://www.brentriggs.com
      http://www.xxxchurch.com

      With the love of Christ,
      April

      • Peacefulwife
        October 1, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

        Kkr,

        How is your walk with Christ going?

        Is your wife familiar with 1 Corinthians 7:1-5? Does she know the level of temptation you are facing and how much she could help you in this battle?

        Praying for you both!

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  3. The Respect Dare, Day 38 – Taking Initiative Sexually in Marriage | Peacefulwife's Blog - August 7, 2013

    […] The Devastation of Sexual Rejection […]

  4. Signs Your Man is Feeling Disrespected by You | Peaceful Single Girl - September 10, 2013

    […] from his wife (in marriage) and doesn’t respond to your advances anymore (there are a LOT of potential causes for this.  Disrespect is certainly not the only one.  Here’s a post about the wife initiating […]

  5. Some Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected | Peacefulwife's Blog - September 10, 2013

    […] pulls away sexually and doesn’t respond to your advances anymore (there are a LOT of potential causes for this.  Disrespect is certainly not the only one.  Here’s a post about the wife initiating […]

  6. When He Starts to Miss You | Peacefulwife's Blog - November 10, 2013

    […] It will probably take some time – maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months? (If it takes more than a few months – something more serious may be going on – it may be time to seek godly, wise help and/or medical help depending on the situation.  See The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage.) […]

  7. Stages of This Journey – Part 3 | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 2, 2013

    […] initiate sex with you a month or two or more after you stop trying to make him have sex with you. (The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage has more on this issue, so does Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction)  If you are […]

  8. Don’t promise with words, promise with action. (Part 5 of 5) | Lessons Of Mercy - February 24, 2014

    […] If you’re at all curious if your husband might have a lower drive than you because he’s feeling disrespected…. please go here now. […]

  9. Husbands Have Expectations, Too – GraceAlone’s Journey | Peacefulwife's Blog - March 17, 2014

    […] low.” I still think he may  have low testosterone, and I did read your article today about sexual rejection. I do want my husband to have a blood panel done, but I don’t want to insult him and I […]

  10. Thankfulhusband’s Take on What Wives Can Do When Their Husbands May Be Sinning | Peacefulwife's Blog - May 25, 2014

    […] desire sexually.  There is a fairly wide range of “normal.” I have posts about that, “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage” and “When Your Husband Rejects […]

  11. Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 1 | Peacefulwife's Blog - August 25, 2014

    […] (** A note from Peacefulwife – if the husband is the lower drive spouse and the wife is the higher drive spouse, a husband may appreciate less pressure sexually, at least for a time. For more on this topic, please check out this post.) […]

  12. “I’m Thinking of Having an Affair” | Peacefulwife's Blog - September 26, 2014

    […] “My husband won’t have sex with me at all/very much.” […]

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