The Walls Are Beginning to Crack

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An email from a wife – thank you for your willingness to allow me to share your story!!!  I know many wives will be SO VERY BLESSED by reading this post!
It’s been about 8 or 9 months since I discovered and started truly respecting my husband, and there is much healing that still needs to take place.  It is honestly still lonely at times. (From Peacefulwife – things were still often lonely for me the first 2.5 years of this journey many times as well in my marriage)  But, the Lord has become my Rock, the absolute source of my strength, and I KNOW that great changes have taken place in me, though it’s not something my husband really acknowledges!  

A real breakthrough for ME came the other night when we had a pretty deep conversation about our marriage.

He finally came around to telling me he has built walls around himself to protect him from the hurt (not just from me, but also from some things that have happened in his past.)  He said that he could not function (ie. wake up each morning and go to work and do what he has to do) without those walls.
Amazingly, for just a minute, I heard the old him in his tone of voice – the man that I first married! That really opened my eyes to see that he is still there!  It’s like he’s trapped inside a cage, but HE IS STILL THERE! (What had been so hard for me all these months was thinking that he had just changed and wasn’t who he once was.)  The love that flooded through my soul for him was enormous, because I was able to see all the hardness is just those walls, it is not him!  
All this time I had been able to love him with a sacrificial / agape love (providing meals for him, doing his laundry, etc.), but really struggled to love him with a phileo / tender and affectionate kind of love. (If you recall I’m reading Feminine Appeal  by Carolyn Mahaney which discusses the important difference between these two types of love.)  I know now that he desperately needs phileo love from me.  It isn’t enough for me to simply name off a list of all the ways I respect him, but from deep within my heart, directly from the throne of God, an outpouring of an abiding love that is real.  (I likened it to being Mary, who sat at the feet of Jesus, rather than Martha, who was so distracted with all the things that had to be done!)
So, my prayer now is that the Lord would somehow tear down those walls and remove the bitterness and help him to forgive.  I pray that the Lord would enable me to saturate my husband with His love in a way he needs it most, and that my heart would remain soft toward him even in the times when he doesn’t reciprocate my love.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE
YES!!!!!!!!
I love these lightbulb moments!  Yes!  Our husbands need us to love them in a friendly, affectionate, tender way.  They need to know we LIKE them.  They need our real smiles and real appreciation. Listing things we respect about them verbally really doesn’t cut it for men.  Words don’t impress them much.  They want to see our tenderness, understanding and friendship in our attitudes and actions.  They want to SEE that trust and faith in our eyes, that adoring smile.  They want to know that we look up to them as our heroes. 
I know I have shared before – at first I thought I could just be “respectFUL” and that would be enough.  NOPE!  It’s not.  Men need to see that we actually and truly see things in them to respect and admire.  They need to know we are genuinely proud of them for the good things they do.  They need to know that we appreciate all that they are and all that they do for us and our families.  They need to know that we see them as they are and ACCEPT them without trying to change them.  They need to see that their hearts are safe here with us.  They need to see REAL, HONEST, UNFEIGNED respect from the heart.  They can tell if we are being respectful vs. we actually respect them for who they are as men and we genuinely LIKE them.
Please pray with me for this wife and her marriage and for the hundreds and thousands of other marriages of those who will read this that the walls will come down and that we might love and respect our men in the ways that matter most to them and brings great glory to God!
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16 Comments on “The Walls Are Beginning to Crack”

  1. Trish
    March 30, 2013 at 11:41 am #

    Amazingly, for just a minute, I heard the old him in his tone of voice – the man that I first married! That really opened my eyes to see that he is still there! It’s like he’s trapped inside a cage, but HE IS STILL THERE! (What had been so hard for me all these months was thinking that he had just changed and wasn’t who he once was.) The love that flooded through my soul for him was enormous, because I was able to see all the hardness is just those walls, it is not him!

    The quote above is the only thing that keeps me going with trying to deal with my husband since we have been separated. I have described him to people as being “locked in a box inside himself,” which I now know is the wall he has built up in order to protect himself from hurt not only from me but from other people.

    When I am able to hear the “old him” in his voice or see the “old him” in his actions or deeds towards me I know he is still in there, and I continue to pray that with God’s help one day the walls will come tumbling down and he will once again be able to share his heart with me as he once did.

    • RG
      March 30, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

      ““locked in a box inside himself,” which I now know is the wall he has built up in order to protect himself from hurt not only from me but from other people.”

      I think this could accurately describe many men, and probably many women too.

    • peacefulwife
      March 31, 2013 at 12:55 am #

      Trish,

      I am so glad that you are seeing glimpses.

      If you want to talk with me, I’m here! aprilc@sc.rr.com

      I pray that you both might have close walks with Christ and I pray for healing for both of you spiritually and emotionally and for your marriage.

      Much love to you my precious sister!

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you and your husband!

  2. Ted Cox
    March 30, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

    Most men do have these walls I think- I know I do in areas that I still don’t trust my wife with.I pray for wisdom to know how much she can take. She has been trying so hard to become a godly wife! I don’t want to do anything to push her beyond her present limits.BTW- I love the reference to Martha and Mary!

    • peacefulwife
      March 31, 2013 at 12:53 am #

      Ted,

      This is really interesting. I am so glad you shared your heart about this issue.

      Would you be able to tell the ladies what it is that would help a husband to feel safe and like he can trust his wife again? And what kind of time frame might it be before a husband decides to trust and let down his walls?

      Some wives feel that their husbands want them to be absolutely perfect and never mess up once they begin learning about respect and biblical submission. But we are all going to sin and mess up sometimes. A masculine point of view here would be extremely helpful.

      Thank you for your comment!

  3. Robyn
    April 1, 2013 at 10:37 am #

    This was great PW! In me I found there was a chasm between the command to respect and wanting ‘BE’ loving — the phileo love. What I found was awesome! If you do the right thing, the command of respect, God remakes and renews your heart and mind. One follows the other and then it was natural for me.

    • peacefulwife
      April 1, 2013 at 10:45 am #

      YES!!!!! Robyn, that is exactly what I found. Obedience first, then God gave me phileo in time.

      I also ended up feeling much more loved eventually – but the obedience and focusing on the good like Philippians 4:8 says had to come first.

      As I looked only at the good and praised it in my husband, the good began to grow and the negative started to shrink. I eventually felt genuine respect and love and admiration as I obeyed God’s commands.

      Great comment!

      Sent from my iPad

      • ddscarberry
        April 3, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

        @peacefulwife; I recently found your blog and love it! I reblogged this post (sort of) at Forever Standing! Thanks for your heart and commitment to the Lord and to marriage!

        (For some reason I couldn’t find the comment button; and I wasn’t able to create a link to the page, so here it is: http://itsallinhishands.wordpress.com/)

        • peacefulwife
          April 3, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

          Thanks, Ddscarberry! The comments are way at the bottom of the screen below the posts. :) It’s wonderful to meet you!

  4. joyfulstander
    April 6, 2013 at 12:35 pm #

    Thanks, I found them now! (This is ddscarberry!) Just so you know, I switched to a new page! And this post has been moved there also! http://joyfullystanding.wordpress.com/

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Which Comes First, a Woman’s Respect or a Man’s Godly Leadership? | Peaceful Single Girl - March 31, 2013

    […] another post called, “The Walls Are Beginning To Crack”: “They need to know that we see them as they are and ACCEPT them without trying to change them. […]

  2. Reblog: The Walls are Beginning to Crack, By: Peacefulwife | photos by DeeDee - April 2, 2013

    […] I know I have shared before – at first I thought I could just be “respectFUL” and that would be enough.  NOPE!  It’s not.  Men need to see that we actually and truly see things in them to respect and admire.  They need to know we are genuinely proud of them for the good things they do.  They need to know that we appreciate all that they are and all that they do for us and our families.  They need to know that we see them as they are and ACCEPT them without trying to change them.  They need to see that their hearts are safe here with us.  They need to see REAL, HONEST, UNFEIGNED respect from the heart.  They can tell if we are being respectful vs. we actually respect them for who they are as men and we genuinely LIKE them. Please pray with me for this wife and her marriage and for the hundreds and thousands of other marriages of those who will read this that the walls will come down and that we might love and respect our men in the ways that matter most to them and brings great glory to God! Praise God for being able to share the awesome things He is doing in our individual lives! As these months have gone by, I have focused a lot on respecting my husband. Sometimes the feelings of love are there, but other times I am respecting him robotically, purely out of obedience to God. And when I get weary (which has been much more often these past few days), I’m not really serving and loving him with a joyful spirit. That’s why I’m so thankful to have read this! I don’t just want to do everything for him, like a servant or a mother…I want to be his companion, his friend, his admirer, his helper. My husband had a pretty awful childhood, and I know that so many of the “walls” are from that. I continue to pray for those walls to be torn down, for chains to be broken, and for the enemy and his attacks to be gone in the Holy and powerful name of Jesus! If you’re fighting for your marriage, do NOT give up. Don’t think there is anything too bad, any situation too impossible. DO NOT limit what our Almighty God can do. The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. -Ezekiel 34:27 This is my prayer! That my husband would be freed and our marriage restored, all for God’s glory. So that others will know that HE IS GOD!! Pray this with you and your spouse’s names in it! Here is the original posting of The Walls are Beginning to Crack. […]

  3. Reblog: The Walls are Beginning to Crack | Forever Standing - April 2, 2013

    […] I love these lightbulb moments!  Yes!  Our husbands need us to love them in a friendly, affectionate, tender way.  They need to know we LIKE them.  They need our real smiles and real appreciation. Listing things we respect about them verbally really doesn’t cut it for men.  Words don’t impress them much.  They want to see our tenderness, understanding and friendship in our attitudes and actions.  They want to SEE that trust and faith in our eyes, that adoring smile.  They want to know that we look up to them as our heroes.  I know I have shared before – at first I thought I could just be “respectFUL” and that would be enough.  NOPE!  It’s not.  Men need to see that we actually and truly see things in them to respect and admire.  They need to know we are genuinely proud of them for the good things they do.  They need to know that we appreciate all that they are and all that they do for us and our families.  They need to know that we see them as they are and ACCEPT them without trying to change them.  They need to see that their hearts are safe here with us.  They need to see REAL, HONEST, UNFEIGNED respect from the heart.  They can tell if we are being respectful vs. we actually respect them for who they are as men and we genuinely LIKE them. Please pray with me for this wife and her marriage and for the hundreds and thousands of other marriages of those who will read this that the walls will come down and that we might love and respect our men in the ways that matter most to them and brings great glory to God!   Praise God for being able to share the awesome things He is doing in our individual lives! As these months have gone by, I have focused a lot on respecting my husband. Sometimes the feelings of love are there, but other times I am respecting him robotically, purely out of obedience to God. And when I get weary (which has been much more often these past few days), I’m not really serving and loving him with a joyful spirit.   That’s why I’m so thankful to have read this! I don’t just want to do everything for him, like a servant or a mother…I want to be his companion, his friend, his admirer, his helper.   My husband had a pretty awful childhood, and I know that so many of the “walls” are from that. I continue to pray for those walls to be torn down, for chains to be broken, and for the enemy and his attacks to be gone in the Holy and powerful name of Jesus!   If you’re fighting for your marriage, do NOT give up. Don’t think there is anything too bad, any situation too impossible. DO NOT limit what our Almighty God can do.   The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. -Ezekiel 34:27   This is my prayer! That my husband would be freed and our marriage restored, all for God’s glory. So that others will know that HE IS GOD!! Pray this with you and your spouse’s names in it!   Here is the original posting of The Walls are Beginning to Crack. […]

  4. Reblog: The Walls are Beginning to Crack | Joyfully Standing - April 6, 2013

    […] I know I have shared before – at first I thought I could just be “respectFUL” and that would be enough.  NOPE!  It’s not.  Men need to see that we actually and truly see things in them to respect and admire.  They need to know we are genuinely proud of them for the good things they do.  They need to know that we appreciate all that they are and all that they do for us and our families.  They need to know that we see them as they are and ACCEPT them without trying to change them.  They need to see that their hearts are safe here with us.  They need to see REAL, HONEST, UNFEIGNED respect from the heart.  They can tell if we are being respectful vs. we actually respect them for who they are as men and we genuinely LIKE them. Please pray with me for this wife and her marriage and for the hundreds and thousands of other marriages of those who will read this that the walls will come down and that we might love and respect our men in the ways that matter most to them and brings great glory to God!   Praise God for being able to share the awesome things He is doing in our individual lives! As these months have gone by, I have focused a lot on respecting my husband. Sometimes the feelings of love are there, but other times I am respecting him robotically, purely out of obedience to God. And when I get weary (which has been much more often these past few days), I’m not really serving and loving him with a joyful spirit.   That’s why I’m so thankful to have read this! I don’t just want to do everything for him, like a servant or a mother…I want to be his companion, his friend, his admirer, his helper.   My husband had a pretty awful childhood, and I know that so many of the “walls” are from that. I continue to pray for those walls to be torn down, for chains to be broken, and for the enemy and his attacks to be gone in the Holy and powerful name of Jesus!   If you’re fighting for your marriage, do NOT give up. Don’t think there is anything too bad, any situation too impossible. DO NOT limit what our Almighty God can do.   The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. -Ezekiel 34:27   This is my prayer! That my husband would be freed and our marriage restored, all for God’s glory. So that others will know that HE IS GOD!! Pray this with you and your spouse’s names in it!   Here is the original posting of The Walls are Beginning to Crack. […]

  5. Reblog: The Walls are Beginning to Crack | Joyfully Standing - April 6, 2013

    […] I know I have shared before – at first I thought I could just be “respectFUL” and that would be enough.  NOPE!  It’s not.  Men need to see that we actually and truly see things in them to respect and admire.  They need to know we are genuinely proud of them for the good things they do.  They need to know that we appreciate all that they are and all that they do for us and our families.  They need to know that we see them as they are and ACCEPT them without trying to change them.  They need to see that their hearts are safe here with us.  They need to see REAL, HONEST, UNFEIGNED respect from the heart.  They can tell if we are being respectful vs. we actually respect them for who they are as men and we genuinely LIKE them. Please pray with me for this wife and her marriage and for the hundreds and thousands of other marriages of those who will read this that the walls will come down and that we might love and respect our men in the ways that matter most to them and brings great glory to God! Praise God for being able to share the awesome things He is doing in our individual lives! As these months have gone by, I have focused a lot on respecting my husband. Sometimes the feelings of love are there, but other times I am respecting him robotically, purely out of obedience to God. And when I get weary (which has been much more often these past few days), I’m not really serving and loving him with a joyful spirit. That’s why I’m so thankful to have read this! I don’t just want to do everything for him, like a servant or a mother…I want to be his companion, his friend, his admirer, his helper. My husband had a pretty awful childhood, and I know that so many of the “walls” are from that. I continue to pray for those walls to be torn down, for chains to be broken, and for the enemy and his attacks to be gone in the Holy and powerful name of Jesus! If you’re fighting for your marriage, do NOT give up. Don’t think there is anything too bad, any situation too impossible. DO NOT limit what our Almighty God can do. The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. -Ezekiel 34:27 This is my prayer! That my husband would be freed and our marriage restored, all for God’s glory. So that others will know that HE IS GOD!! Pray this with you and your spouse’s names in it! Here is the original posting of The Walls are Beginning to Crack. […]

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