An Abandoned Wife’s Journal

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This is from a wife who has faced many struggles in her marriage.  I don’t know what God’s plans are for anyone.  But I do know that He honors faith in Him.  I do know that He honors obedience to His Word.  And I do know that prayer is powerful and that when we pray together as a group, seeking God’s will and His glory – miracles can and will happen.  Thank you to this precious sister of mine who has allowed me to share her story. This wife is in an excruciatingly painful place.  And God is right there with her – working in her heart.  There are very raw, real emotions here.  This is how we wrestle with God and learn to repent of our sinful ways and turn to Him and begin to obey, trust and submit to Christ.

I would like to share with everyone the emotions, revelations, and repentance my heart has been through in the last few weeks. I started a journal not too long ago to help me as a source of “therapy” for my soul. The last time I saw my husband it was the last Sunday of January. The last time I heard his voice was Feb. 3. He has asked me not to call or text or FB message him at all. If you could be in prayer for my husband I would really appreciate it. I do not believe he is having an affair but at this point it would not surprise me. He is extremely far from the Lord. It is now also being brought to light in his dad’s eyes which is where he moved once he left me. (PS- my husband claims to be a Christian, went to a Christian school and graduated from the same Bible college as I did). Anyways, here is part of my journal.

2/18/13 (this was an entry I wrote to myself to reflect back on later)

This journey so far is full of roller coaster emotions. There are moments when the agonizing pain is unbearable. It feels as if my heart literally is going to shatter into a million pieces. There are days all I want to do is pick up the phone just to hear the sound of his voice. My thoughts are overwhelmed with “what if” and “if I could only”

But that is when I have to stop myself and remember God is in control. He knows every emotion. He is here with me every step of the way. God is good, or so I tell myself.

Is God really good though?

How can this be good?

How can this situation honor and glorify God?  

This seems as if it is the work of the devil. But, then I have to remember Jesus always has the last word. Though He was crucified on the cross and despised and rejected of men He was working… FOR ME! Thank you Lord for your grace. God showed mercy during the most horrific acts mankind could ever be placed under. This is how I know God is still good even in this situation.

This is NOT a work of the devil but of God. If this separation had never happened my eyes would have NEVER been opened to the magnitude of sin in my heart.

My prayer is that my husband and I can sit and work this out somehow. My love for him is more solidified now than it ever has been and I will FIGHT for this marriage. When I first stated these words I had no idea “fighting to keep my marriage” would involve such drastic change on MY part. I had no idea I would be dealing with the heart and sin issues that I am faced with. This revelation has not been an easy one to swallow and admit that I was doing wrong. It is a process that is still being opened unto me. But, I want to resolve these issues because I desire to

#1 PLEASE GOD!!!

#2 Change into being a Godly woman

#3 Be the RIGHT kind of wife God instructs me and desires me to be.

2/20/13

I really am unsure where to even begin… There are soo many apologies I would like to convey to my husband. This journey of realizing my wrong and my sinful behavior has been difficult to bear. For the most part I thought I was “okay” The truth of the matter is I was not okay.  My relationship with the Lord was suffering, therefore, causing my relationship with my husband (and others) to suffer.

The main issue that my mind keeps going back to is that I was being disrespectful. I did not honor _____  as my husband. I often trumped over him as the authority figure of this family and I was wrong. I have also come to realize I did this in many areas such as my words, tone of voice, and actions. I was constantly negative and lazy. I had a ‘queen’ mentality. I was wrong to think “I deserve this… or that….” Regardless of the lies my mind was feeding itself I was wrong for acting upon those thoughts. However, the Bible also warns that as a man thinks in his heart, so he will be.

It is my prayer that somehow he can forgive me for the ways in which I treated him and showed him disrespect. I have sinned against him and I am/was wrong. It is my desire that I begin showing him the respect and reverence that he deserves and needs.

2/22/13

Such simple words this means… “thank you.” I do not, nor have I ever, shown my husband an attitude of gratefulness. He has done so much for me and I never let him know how much those things meant to me. I am thankful for how he takes care of me financially (and how he still is). How he at one point had met my needs as a caring and loving husband. I need to thank him for everything he did for me no matter how small or big it may have been. He tried to support me and lead me. He protected me and cared for me. He wanted what was best for me. And I believe there still is a part of him that still wants that for me.

I am ashamed and sorrowful that I was unable to show this gratitude to him. I am sorry for my prideful and selfish reactions. I was slothful and full of high expectations. There are no right words to say to show the depth of remorse I have for how I have treated my husband and presented myself to him. My only prayer is that he can somehow forgive me for the ways in which I have sinned against him.

I tried to take control and control who he was as a person instead of being grateful for the person he already was and is. I was very deceived as to how a wife should be. I was filled with expectations which I now realize are premeditated resentment. With God’s help I am laying aside those expectations. I am choosing to please God and to meet HIS expectations or rather requirements for me as a person and as a wife.

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25 Comments on “An Abandoned Wife’s Journal”

  1. Emily C
    March 25, 2013 at 7:33 am #

    Blessings to this tender, broken wife. I was in such a very similar place a year and a half ago when my husband left after 13 years. All of a sudden my life was busted wide open and I was faced with the horror of the reality of who I was and how I was and it was 100% NOT what I thought. I was filled with the regrets of all I had done, how I treated him, and how he must have felt for so many years! I remember at one point yelling at my friend thru tears that this was not how my story was supposed to end and she yelled back that my story was not ending here.
    I don’t know how your story is ending either. I do know that God is faithful and loving and can redeem all things. He turned my husbands heart back toward Him and me and though its a hard road filled with lots of pain and hard work, God is remaking us and reconciling our marriage. I’m SO thankful not only for a second chance but for a toolbox armed with truth and tools to help me do it right this time. But God had gotten me to a place also that if my husband didn’t give me another chance (and don’t get me wrong there was very much change needed on both sides) that I would be ok and that God still had GREAT plans for my life.
    Praying that my story can encourage you. God is a really big Hod and with Him ALL things are possible. Walk your road, His road, sweet sister. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. With much love…

  2. Kristin
    March 25, 2013 at 9:06 am #

    Much of this sounds all too familiar. I am with you in what you’ve been learning and seeing in yourself as God has been doing the same in me. My husband left 3 weeks ago and while we do have weekly contact, I have no idea what God is doing. I pray that it is to tear down what our marriage was, so both of us can be rebuilt and have a new marriage firmly build on the Lord. I pray we both fix our eyes on Jesus because when we don’t, things go badly. I am being made into a new woman of Christ and have more joy now than I have ever had in my life. It is so counter-intuitive, but God is good at paradoxes. ;) I will be praying that both of our husbands can see themselves in God’s eyes and see their own sins, so that God can move them to forgiveness of us. When we see how much Christ has done, how can we all NOT forgive each other? It is mind blowing. No matter what happens over the next week, let’s all focus on celebrating Easter with gusto! We have been forgiven! It is cause for great joy!

    P.S. I was given this song while going through this tough time and if you haven’t heard it, I recommend it. Broken Hallelujah by Mandisa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH16B5449Iw

  3. Anna Popescu
    March 25, 2013 at 11:02 am #

    I can definitely relate to some of this, especially where she writes: “Such simple words this means… “thank you.” I do not, nor have I ever, shown my husband an attitude of gratefulness.” I am also guilty of having had that attitude in my first marriage. Thankfully, God has shown me how to wear a daily attitude of thankfulness toward my current husband. And I can absolutely see how that has spurred that same kind of thankfulness in him toward me and the things I do for him.

    I have always said there are two people in any marriage who contribute to its rise or fall, and divorce is hardly ever the fault of just one of them…

  4. Crystal Blount
    March 25, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    This is wonderful transparency that can encourage so many women to stay faithful. I just want to say to this strong wife, thank you for your faithfulness and holding onto to the Lord in the midst of your separation. Not only are you inspiring all of us to do the same and take a hard look at ourselves, you are surely saying something to your husband by your willingness to remain hopeful, prayerful, and respectful of his wishes for space. Just keep letting God lead you, and I know he will provide for your good and give you peace that surpasses!

  5. Ted Cox
    March 25, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

    My heart breaks every time I hear of marriages on the verge of destruction!I don’t know you or your husband,so I can’t comment on the state of either relationship with God. I would urge you not to assume that your husband is far from God either. From what you have said,it appears that he is reacting to attempts to manipulate him.In his heart he may believe that if he admits his desire to please God you will try to use it against him. If things are to the point that he is unwilling to even talk to you, he probably sees everyone even his own friends and family as enemies right now. I say this because I have been in this place in my marriage.In the same way that I have never not loved my wife,but not felt safe to show it, so in my relationship with God I have not felt safe to let others Christians see it.I love the Lord my God with all my heart and always have since I first came to know him.That does not mean that I have not gone through the Valley of Despair many times.I would ask you to trust that as God is working on you, so He is working on your husband.As a practical suggestion perhaps a letter would be a means of communicating with your husband. It would allow you to express your convictions and sorrow and not put any pressure on him.I will pray for your marriage and pray that no matter what you both seek God’s will for your lives.

    • RG
      March 25, 2013 at 6:21 pm #

      “I would urge you not to assume that your husband is far from God either. From what you have said,it appears that he is reacting to attempts to manipulate him.In his heart he may believe that if he admits his desire to please God you will try to use it against him. If things are to the point that he is unwilling to even talk to you, he probably sees everyone even his own friends and family as enemies right now.”

      I agree with this!

      “As a practical suggestion perhaps a letter would be a means of communicating with your husband. It would allow you to express your convictions and sorrow and not put any pressure on him.”

      I want to emphasize not putting any pressure on him. He may or may not be open to any communication, but you should make every effort to avoid putting any pressure on him at all. He has likely already been through more pressure than you could ever realize, and any more could be the last straw.

      • peacefulwife
        March 25, 2013 at 9:49 pm #

        RG,

        I believe your counsel is very helpful and wise. Thank you for sharing your masculine take on this issue. :)

      • peacefulwife
        March 25, 2013 at 10:09 pm #

        I think the description about how harmful more pressure might be right now is especially powerful.

    • peacefulwife
      March 25, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

      Ted,
      Thank you SO much for sharing your perspective as a husband who has been down this road yourself. Hw I pray that wives who are in this situation will hear your heart and consider your words carefully and prayerfully. Thank you for taking the time to address this excruciatingly painful situation with the love and compassion of Christ.

  6. truehusband
    March 26, 2013 at 4:38 am #

    I commiserate with this situation because I can relate with every word. My wife is exactly as you describe yourself in your marriage. In fact, leaving as an option to get the respect I deserve occurs to me increasingly. Here, the subject matter is respect, that is why I personally think that it is appropriate to write him that letter if this is the first time you are expressing remorse. He needs to know that you are ready to respect him so that he can decide what he wants to do in the following days/weeks. But if repentance happens frequently….don’t.
    Sometimes, women use these sort of situations to exert control under the guise of humility e.g you know he would want you to say sorry…umm…but you’d rather hold out until he inevitably comes to the end of himsel after wasting so much of his time and resources…so that when he returns to you, he is more like a willing slave rather that the master of his plantation, as God would have him be. Im not saying this to be hurtful but the heart is deceptive and we need to guard against such subtle deceptions that we unknowingly practice in marriage.
    Oh I’m so glad to see a website that affirms the truth that a man’s demand for respect does not mean that he is controlling or insecure or childish or any of the hogwash we’ve been fed previously. Finding this website has meant hell for my marriage as I continue to uncover the numerous ways in which I’m being suppressed and intimidated by my Christian wife. I just hope its temporary. Men need help today. Keep up the good work April. Thanks

    • peacefulwife
      March 26, 2013 at 6:51 am #

      I pray for God to direct your steps, True Husband! And for Him to empower you to represent Christ to your wife and to bring healing to your marriage.

      I pray for her eyes to be opened and for both of you to be a beautiful example of the relationship between Christ and His church so that many might be drawn to His kingdom.

      I pray for wisdom for you to lead as Christ would – for gentleness, tenderness, understanding – there is much going on in a wife’s heart when she is disrespectful -primarily in her own relationship to God that must be addressed first, before she can become a godly wife. Praying for any strongholds of the enemy to be torn down and for her to see the sovereignty of God and to learn to respect, trust and reverence Him first – then she will have the power and wisdom and strength to also treat her husband with respect, honor and cooperation.

  7. truehusband
    March 26, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    Thank you so much April, Very insightful actually

  8. Dave
    March 26, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

    Thank you for this posting. It is so sad to hear how often people have to get to the depths of despair before they realize their own sin.

    My older brother met a girl at Bible college whom he fell for. My parents tried to talk him out of marrying her but he did it anyway. He later said that within about 6 weeks of getting married, he saw all of the things our parents were trying to warn him about.

    He hung in that marriage for 14 years enduring a total lack of respect and considerable emotional and verbal abuse. His wife was determined that they would never get divorced because they were believers. When they separated, she still maintained that they would stay together. Little did she know that he committed adultery with a coworker who was now pregnant.

    I do not support my brother’s sin. However, his wife drove him away. Their divorce was a huge wake-up call for her. She is now remarried and as I understand it, a much better person and wife. However, my brother’s life is a mess due to his sin. He married the 2nd woman and soon discovered that she was worse than his first wife.

    The sad thing is that our whole family knew his marriage was going to be a train wreck. We saw how controlling and disrespectful his wife was. She saw herself as a mother and not a wife. The 2 girls they had together are adults now and are both very wounded. Why did it have to take the dissolution of their marriage for her to do an honest self evaluation? Where were people in the church calling her disrespect sin? The church is very good at identifying men’s sin. Why not women’s?

    I appreciate this site so much because there are very few voices calling disrespect and dishonor sin. There is way too much divorce in the christian world. Until both men and women acknowledge and repent from our sin, this will continue. However, voices like this and Promise Keepers give us a fighting chance to change the divorce stats.

    • peacefulwife
      March 26, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

      Dave,
      Thank you for sharing this story. It is so heartbreaking! But I pray others might learn from it.

      Respect has largely disappeared from our culture. And sadly, most women under 50 have no idea that men need respect or what respect even means to men. I sure didn’t!

      That is one reason I am so passionate about trying to get out the message about God’s design for marriage and the blessing of obeying God’s Word. I emphasize respect and submission here and what they mean, how women can recognize disrespect and control in themselves, how to lay down the sins and die to self, how to repent of sin and allow God’s Spirit to renew our hearts and minds, how to change our thinking to match God’s Word, how to respect, how to empower our husbands’ leadership, how to pray with humility and real faith, what sins trip us up as women and how to follow Christ first and show reverence to Him and His Word.

      Many women seriously don’t know that men need respect as much as we need love. And even when they realize this truth, there are so few godly examples and resources that it can be extremely difficult for wives to learn to show respect and to honor our husbands’ God-given leadership – even if they want to learn.

      I pray God might raise up many godly men and women to teach His ways and His wisdom in His church around the world… That God might call THIS generation to be a godly, holy generation, set apart for His glory and use.

  9. Ify O
    April 1, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    What a touching piece! I can relate to this in a number of ways and I am going through my own soul searching. April, I sincerely bless God for what He is using you to do here. However I’m a bit disturbed and just want to better understand. Sometimes just reading through the various posts I begin to feel that women/wives are unduly put under this crushing burden of guilt. It’s almost as though no matter how bad the marriage is or what the husband has done, it is somehow always linked to what the wife did not do right. Women now blame themselves for all the bad things that has taken or is taking place in their marriage. I know there is a place for repentance, submission and obedience to God and I’m not saying that we don’t have our faults but I don’t think it’s a healthy thing to carry the burden of guilt, blame and regret all the time or our prayers to be filled with such undertones. Hopefully you understand this view.

    • peacefulwife
      April 1, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

      Ify O,

      I’m so glad to hear from you! :)

      I appreciate you telling me what you feel like you are hearing.

      That is NOT at all the message I am trying to send!

      My primary goal is to point women to Christ and His Word. I desire women to live in the power of God’s Spirit in obedience to Him – and that is something we cannot do in our own strength whatsoever. But what keeps us from having God’s Spirit working full strength in us as believers is when we cherish sin in our heart.

      I believe the place we must start is to ruthlessly evaluate our own sin, our responsibilities before God, God’s commands to us and our obedience to Him. My goal is for women to see any sin in their hearts (and all of us, men and women, are wretched sinners – there will be a lot in everyone’s life, we all fall miles short of God’s standards of perfection. That is why we so desperately need Jesus!) – and have GODLY sorrow and repent and submit completely to Christ. I personally was totally blind to my own sin for the first 15 years of our marriage. I never saw my pride, idolatry, unforgiveness, disrespect and controlling behavior at all. I spent 15 years focusing on my husband’s sin and trying to change him. That did NOT work!

      After conviction and repentance – we yield all that we are and all that we have to Christ and we learn to die to ourselves and then we learn to make Christ alone Lord.

      There are times we absolutely must confront our husbands’ sins. I have posts about this. And I talk about Matthew 7:1-6 and Matthew 18 about how Jesus talks about how to confront others about their sin. One thing we must do first, according to Jesus, is take the beam out of our own eye before we try to remove the speck from our brother’s eye. He doesn’t say not to remove the speck. But He does say to remove the plank from our own eye first. So that is my perspective when I write – to be sure that we as wives seek God’s help with showing us any sin in our own lives and being fully restored to fellowship with God and full of His Spirit before we attempt to address our husband’s sin. And when we do address their sin – I believe we ought to still be respectful, humble and gentle. God asks us to overcome evil with good, not to repay evil with evil. There is no power in retaliation or in sinning against our husbands because they sinned against us. Yes, we will all sin and stumble at times, then we repent and reconcile with God so that He can fill us up again and empower us to be the women He desires us to be. None of this is possible without God’s Spirit inside of us.

      I do not believe that wives are responsible for husbands’ sin. I believe that when a wife obeys God and is living in the power of God’s Spirit that she will make it much easier for her husband to obey God and much less tempting for him to sin in certain ways. Just like if a husband is living in the power of God’s Spirit he makes it a lot easier for his wife to obey God and live in God’s power, too.

      But – and I talk about this a lot – each person is responsible for his/her own sin 100% no matter what the spouse is or is not doing. I believe that is biblical.

      If you find that I am promoting something that does not line up with scripture – I definitely want to know about it. I am human, sinful and fallible. Only God’s Word is perfect and infallible.

      There are times that I suggest to wives that they leave their husbands – when they are in danger or if there is infidelity going on or major addictions or uncontrolled mental health disorders and wives or children are not safe. I also say over and over that if a marriage has MAJOR problems or abuse – that goes way beyond the scope of my blog and they need to find godly, experienced help and get to safety ASAP.

      I don’t believe that scripture gives me authority to teach men (I Tim 2 and I Cor 14) – so I do not address men. Of course men have tons of sin, too. If I were talking with men, I would ask them to look at their sin, their responsibility and the commands God gave to them. But I am not talking with men, only with wives.

      I don’t want ANY wife to carry any guilt, shame or regret. I desire to see all of us repent of sin quickly and then live with God’s Spirit flooding our souls with His love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.

      I believe our prayers should be full of total faith in Christ – seeking His will far above our own – and seeking His greatest glory.

      If I am not clearly communicating these things, my deepest apologies!!!!!!

      Much love to you!

      • Ify O
        April 2, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

        April, thanks so much for your response. It addresses my concerns and I have a better understanding of what the focus for us women should be. I’m really beginning to appreciate how essential our conformity to Christ is and its impact on our marriages and the generations thereafter. Our submission to our husbands is in reverence to God and it gives us a right positioning before the Father. I have been encouraged by a number of the posts and subsequent comments. God’s continued blessings over everyone!

        • peacefulwife
          April 2, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

          Ify O,
          I am so glad!!! Yes- Conformity to Christ, submission and yieldedness to Him, making Him Lord, dying to our own will and living for His – this is the stuff that HAS to come first. Our submission to our husbands and respect of them is only an outer sign of our right spiritual relationship to God. YES! You have grasped the most important concept! :) THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL, MIRACULOUS STUFF!

        • peacefulwife
          April 2, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

          Ify O,

          I would love to quote you sometime, this is so good!

          Sent from my iPad

  10. Ify O
    April 3, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

    Of course April! :)

  11. espressolane
    April 7, 2013 at 11:02 pm #

    Praying for this dear sister. It’s so hard to see our spouses struggling in their walk with The Lord and in our marriages. A lot of times guys tend to hold things inside and deal with things in different manners than us ladies would. It’s hard not knowing exactly what it is that is going thru his head that has taken hold on him. Just remember to give it ALL to The Lord. He still is in the miracle business and helps put pieces back together…… keep on praying while God sends the answers down!!

    Back in 2007 my marriage was on the verge of falling apart due to many different things and worldliness that crept in and got hold of my husband and altered his walk with The Lord….some of those same things have not gone away and we battle this daily… I just keep remembering 1 Pet and I I try to lead my example… So even though he doesn’t want to go to church or doesn’t want to talk about sermons I try not to push the issue and just let my actions and behavior set the tone and I pray daily that The Lord will soften his heart and do a work in him thru me. It’s been helping and there has been major improvement!

    Keep on keeping on and don’t give up!!! Love in Christ,

    • peacefulwife
      April 8, 2013 at 6:44 am #

      Espressolane, Thank you for sharing your story and encouragement!!!!

      I appreciate it very much!

  12. Joyce B Ndege
    July 19, 2014 at 11:14 pm #

    This experience is exactly like mine. The way God tries to reach us wives seems the same. I now realise that it’s me that needed change more than my husband. Instead of putting high expectations from him I should have rejoiced and cherished him for who he was. However now that he is gone, God has taken time to remodel me to make me the kind of wife that he has ever wanted me to be. Now instead of crying that am abandoned I am being greatful to God for what he did so that he can make me become whom he always wanted me to become. Yes sometimes I am lonely and empty, but then I realise
    that it takes God with a lot of concern when he realises that I haven’t become whom he intended me to become to crash me and start me all over again. sometimes it’s more painful to enjure the pain of remodelling but I have to because I don’t want to become a reject again. SO I ENCOURAGE EACH ONE OF US IN THE SIMILAR SITUATION TO BE PATIENT AS THE REMODELLING IS GOING ON. GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN US.

    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 7:59 pm #

      Joyce,
      Praying for God to continue the good work He has begun in you, my precious sister! Thank you so much for sharing! The remodeling is very painful – but it is worth it!

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