161 Comments on ““I Feel like I’m Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes””

  1. missmin
    March 1, 2013 at 5:43 am #

    This is a lovely and wise response, April. So many women must struggle with this, including a number of beautiful, Christian, Jesus-loving and otherwise wise and gentle ladies. But sex is a gift from God, and as you say, we are not to withhold it from one another. Of course, some men need to express their desires in a less rough manner…but still, it’s the spirit of their offering we need to see and appreciate. I’m blessed with a sensitive husband. He’s all gentleness and sensuality in this regard, and we’re a good match in this department. It must be difficult for some women to lighten up under the burden of housework and family commitments, and all the difficulties and frustrations that come with marriage, but in my experience, a little indulgence goes a long way. And surprisingly, if we can ‘melt’ into our man and the moment, the results are usually just as delicious as us as they are for him. It’s a win-win situation. :)

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

      Missmin,
      Thanks for your comment. Yes, the more sensitive men and women can both be – the better the physical/emotional/spiritual connection can be. We just have to learn each other’s languages. They are very different!

      I appreciate the encouragement and support greatly! And so glad to hear that God is working so much in your marriage.

      And I completely agree with you about the melting. We end up enjoying the sex too! And we NEED it, too. There are many benefits that sex brings to us if we will make the time and focus on our husbands and ENJOY and RELAX! SO HARD FOR US!!!! BUT WORTH IT!

    • Kathleen
      March 13, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

      Being married for over 25 yrs, I knew soon after my husband lusted after other women. The way he would treat me when he desired sex. All nice and sweet. But one other days when sex wasn’t involved, he’d verbally abuse me, I always gave myself to him. And knew the sex he wanted was with me, since I was the closet female around. I knew it in my heart. He mentally abused me, physically abused me. Told me I garbage after he would get what he wanted. After 15 yrs of marriage he had a spiritual encounter with God. I was so happy. Thinking and praying he will change his ways. It did for a while. He went to bible study pray groups, where there were women there. He would only ask for sex on those days, other days he wouldn’t even touch me. He started falsely accusing me of stuff I had no hand on. It was a smoke screen. On a special day, the baptism of our son we had a party for the family. I cooked cleaned, did everything I had to, to make it special for everyone. While dinner was being served, with enough help taking care of it. I decided to start prepping for dessert. The reason was I had 30 guest over. I went to the garage to get something and when I came back in I saw my husband and sister in law kissing. I was numb. I caught him. Instead of telling me honey do you need help with anything. He yelled and said what are you doing! In a evil voice. I replied I’m getting dessert ready honey. He didn’t care. I hate to say I noticed something else. In his evil lusting, let’s just say he was excited. It wasnst for me. So how does a wife help her husband does she enable m by giving herself to him. God knows it didn’t help him at all. It excelled it. Made it worse. Do I deny him with sex. Dammed if you do dammed if you don’t. I tried to help him. But the fact is he rejects me, hates me. Cause I am aware of his problem. He wants another female. Not wife not mother of his 6 children. Just a female. I going to counciling. After all the evil his caused, only Jesus can repair a broken heart. I’m seeking help. And going to healing masses. With pray and worship. I told him I’m so thankful for you. Because of you I’m closer to Jesus, then I’ve very been. He didn’t like that.

      • peacefulwife
        March 13, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

        Kathleen,

        Goodness! :( my heart breaks for you. :(

        You are not responsible for your husband’s sin!!!! And you cannot change him. Jesus can heal you, yes. Are you still with him? Has he repented? Is he willing to go to counseling?

        I am glad you are seeking help. The issues here are serious and I believe it is wise to seek godly help.
        I pray for you both, for God to heal you and your marriage and make something beautiful from this!!

        • Kathleen
          March 14, 2014 at 11:19 am #

          Peaceful wife,
          I know I’m not, try telling him that. At one point in my life he made me believe I was responsible, so I give him what ever he wants, sex is the first thing. He wanted me to serve him, I had no problem with that but the way he treated me. After all the mental abuse. At my weakest time I told him I’m nobody with you, I’ll do everything you want. I’m trash, that’s what he told me, then one day he through that in my face. I told him ” I’m not trash! I’m am somebody I’m a daughter of God. Jesus loves me. He said I’m a disobedient wife. That a wife has to submit to her husband. I said well a man has to listen to God first. Lol that was a great day. What man destroys Jesus repairs. I love you Jesus. One day at a time wit Jesus. Some times I get so inspired to write a book, but don’t want the attention. It would tear my family apart. I would like to encourage women with faith not to give up. It’s evil trying to destroy families. He attacks the weakest one.

          • peacefulwife
            March 14, 2014 at 2:22 pm #

            Kathleen,

            What did the counselor suggest you do?

            The enemy does attack everyone who seeks to live for Christ, that is very true.

            How is your walk with Christ going now?

            • Kathleen
              March 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

              He first had us together. When he did he asked short, simple no details. After I composed myself I was direct as possible, hurt, but direct. When asked my husband he diverted the question and had to convince the councilor that his with the church council and what books he read. Then he said enough. He had mentioned to us that after we’d have one on one sessions. I was the first, he told my husband to go pray in the chapel. After my husband left, tears rolled down my eyes he got up and gave me a tissue and hugged me and said I’m sry. He of course suggested I read the bible and start with palms. He said they are so comforting. He knows I didn’t want to divorce. But recommended to go to their healing mass. Confession, also have someone to talk to. He said don’t keep anything in. Whether with a priest, friend. It’s been a year since this ordeal happened. The hard part isn’t forgiving, the hard part is dealing with the ideas he has, on a ever day bases. It impacts the whole family. A home is where we should feel safe.

              • peacefulwife
                March 14, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

                Kathleen,

                I am so sorry!

                Does he have a pornography addiction or was he abused in his past? What was his sexual history before y’all got married?

                • Kathleen
                  March 14, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

                  Yeah he did say he had a problem with porn and earlier in his childhood he started masterbating non stop. Unfortunaly, he said he went to church but didn’t know it was wrong. When we got married, that behavior spilled into ours. He made me do some sexual things that made me uncoftable and knew in my heart that it was wrong. Little did I know that was Jesus. There was no control, I told him to stop. And he thought I was cheating, becaused of those things I caught a serious illness. I was 17 yrs old. I was a virgin. I knew morally that it was wrong, he didn’t. He had a bad, bad, bad temper. He hide everything very we’ll. I’m doing better thank you Jesus. I pray for him everyday. Hoping he will have a true encounter. I believe the one he had wasn’t from God. When A person has been enlighten with Christ, or encounter. They cannot be in mortal sin. You can’t serve 2 masters.

                  • peacefulwife
                    March 14, 2014 at 8:31 pm #

                    Kathleen,

                    It almost sounds like a sex addiction kind of thing? :( so heartbreaking that this began when he was very young. Porn and compulsive masturbation permanently alter neurons in the brain much like using illicit drugs can. http://Www.xxxchurch.com has help for sex addictions and porn addictions.

                    I pray your husband can find healing in Christ and find the help he needs. I pray for you as well, to find a godly mentoring wife or Christian counselor who can help pray with you through this trial.

                    I am so thankful you have Jesus. I pray you will draw nearer to Him and that He might girl you the wisdom, love, courage, strength and discernment you will need to know what God desires you to do.

                    Much love to you! You are welcome here. :)

                    • Kathleen
                      March 15, 2014 at 9:10 am #

                      Thank you so much peaceful wife! It’s a blessing just to talk about it. And of course the spiritual, emontional, and mental healing is so important. The mental abuse was so bad, that at one point, the ONLY reason keeping me from killing myself was Jesus Christ . He pulled me out of it. I am truly, truly, blessed that he loves me and has Great Plans for me. I know I’m loved by Christ.
                      Ps. To everyone here, please know that the devil is a lier, and you will never be alone you have Jesus Christ as your savior. trust me he saved me! I love Jesus with all my heart and soul. Luv kat

                • Kathleen
                  March 14, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

                  Yes! Big time, so bad that when we got married, he made me do some unthinkable things. I left so dirty. I felt so uncomfortable. Little did I know it was Jesus telling me that wrong. Our parish priest said in his homily, Jesus gave us a gift that gift is freedom, freedom to choose good or bad. I had always told him that, but he always said, your dumb hat do you know about the faith. Now I’m getting conformations that Jesus put in my heart. My heart was jumping for joy. With tears running down my face.

      • JRiani
        March 13, 2014 at 5:16 pm #

        Kathleen, I’m a guy and do not think for a second that your husbands behavior is normal. Your sister-in-law??? That’s messed up! They both need help big time! I think your husband needs to see a Christian counselor and you could probably benefit from the support too.

        • Kathleen
          March 14, 2014 at 10:50 am #

          yes Thank you, unfortunately he thinks his behavior is normal. One thing I have to say is when I was growing up, I was raised catholic, but we didn’t practice. But I truely believe what my family did goog for me was they put me in a catholic school. We went to mass every week, during lent we would do the stations of the cross. Being in the 3 or 4 the grade. I fell in love with Jesus. One station in particular really prepared me for what was to come. The sixth station when Veronica wiped the face of Jesus. I believe if I didn’t encounter that love. Seeing what my husband did before/after his conversation. It just made my faith stronger then before. I told him one day with that I’m thankful for him. He said why I told him because of you my faith in Jesus is so strong. That I can love you, serve you, forgive you for what you’ve done. Of course the enemy tried to throw dust. Now when the enemy tells me God hates sinners, I claimly tell him god loves sinners, Jesus died for us. I won’t accept lies. Also I’m thankful my husband isn’t in the teaching possession, he would of scandalized people.

        • Kathleen
          March 14, 2014 at 10:55 am #

          Sry, Jriani I didn’t see your name. Ps yes we went to a Christian counselor, but he denied everything. At that time I was so hurt, emontionally, that I looked like I was the problem. I was mad. But thank fully the counselor saw through that.

      • mom
        March 19, 2014 at 1:27 am #

        My husband just to abuse me fiscal but I learn to come down our discussions, thinks now change but is difficult to recover the love, trust, etc. Needed to a healthy relationship. my parents both come from families where women were abuse fiscal, my father think to change he did the same to mom, my father and husband are Cristian.

        My opinion love Jesus but respect yourself infidelity is a cause of divorce. For many years I hate my mom for let my father abuse her. I am sure your husband get fiscal con the kids I hope not.

        I talk to my husband about I want a mentally health kids who respect themselves, and have moral values.

        But for me the idea of have sex with a man who abuse me fiscal, is difficult the days I am about to have it he start complaints about the fact we do not have sex so I get mad and so on .

        I will like to see my husband attractive and feel desire toward him and do not see his defects. oh Jehovah forget me.

        I see some much love from women who are in more difficulties and I still feel heat and I can not forget.

        • peacefulwife
          March 19, 2014 at 6:45 am #

          Mom,

          I am so sorry to hear about all of the physical abuse in your family and even in your marriage. If there is abuse going on, a wife may have to leave with her children and be sure they are safe – she will need special help in that situation.

          How long ago was the physical abuse?

          Can you both get some godly counseling? Do you have a pastor who teaches the Bible somewhere nearby you could talk to? Or a godly mentoring wife?

          What is your relationship with Christ?

          What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

          I wish I could give you a big hug!

  2. Thankful Husband
    March 1, 2013 at 6:43 am #

    I think the most important thing you said is men are different than women. My wife and I are so very happy these days but there was at time not long ago we were hanging on by a thread. It took more than a dozen years but my wife started to understand what sex (and respect) mean to me. We were on the brink of divorce. I had tried to love her as Christ loved the church for so many years (and she says I was pretty good at it)…but I think I just ran empty. It was like my tank was never being filled and I think after years and years I could no longer love her the way she needed also. I was oh so lonely for so very, very long. I heard the “I just feel like a piece of meat” thing…when nothing could have been further than the truth. That woman was/is everything to me…my world & therefore it crushes you even harder when she wants no part of you. Honestly, I’d rather be beat up (physically abused, kicked in the head by a horse, etc) than here my wife say no, or I don’t enjoy sex, or….

    For me sex with my wife is all my favorite things to do in the world rolled into one x 10. It’s what I look forward to….it’s the thing that keeps me going on the rough days at work, etc. She wouldn’t necessarily refuse me in body, but it was more in attitude and mind. I was literally told she didn’t want to be there doing that…I can’t tell you how painful that was.

    Unfortunately, I just didn’t know how but I made the sinful choice to use porn…it literally wasn’t about looking on another girls “parts”…I know it sounds crazy but I honestly didn’t believe women enoyed sex after hearing it so very long…in other words it was about attitude. I know it sounds crazy but I searched by heart a thousand times and it’s true. Still just as horribly sinful & wrong, but true. Thankfully I never got into the real hardcore stuff. Things went like this for a several years but as things really started to go downhill in our marriage I think we both had to take a hard look at where we were at. For me that meant to get back to loving her the way Christ loved the church & having only eyes for her.

    For her it meant adjusting her mind and heart to sex and respect. It even meant taking testestrone as she tested at 0 levels. And here is the thing I hope ladies on your site understand because maybe their husband might be the same. My need for sex with me wife, loving & willing sex…is the one “need” I can’t seem to go without. I can master just about anything I’ve ever tried. I can make my mind and body do whatever it needs. I can fast. (or go hungry). I can ignore pain. I can work harder longer than anyone for my family. I can run into a situation where everyone else is running away but I honestly can not live without my dear wife loving me this way…I’ve found it is my one “weakness”. It’s the one thing that puts me in not only emotional & physical pain, but is the one thing that almost broke my faith too. If I haven’t shown sexual affection from my wife in 48 hours I’m lonely, it its been 72 hours I’m lonely, on edge, irritable and starting to get desperate. 4 days and I’m a bit of a mess (from a guy that’s usually about at put together as there is), 5 days and I’m getting crazy…seriously.

    I love my wife more than anything in this world and this transformation in my wife has taken our marriage from probably the worst in our church to the best. Now that I’m being loved also, in the way I feel it…now that my batteries are being charged also I can be the husband I need to be for her again. I was once considered a godly husband and father. .I have found at least in my life nothing can encourage & lift me up or tear me down to nothing faster than the gift of my wife’s heart & body in the gift of sex or lack thereof.

    That said, a husband needs to be considerate & tasteful also…

    Today we couldn’t be closer or happier. Our walk in the Lord is stronger & our kids are living in a house where there parents are happy, united and committed.
    I’m back (and much better than ever) to being the loving husband who tries with everything he has to cherish. love and lay down his life for his wife…and what is the difference? My wife’s decision to try to understand what sex meant to me and change her perception, attitude and actions toward sex (and a little bit about respect).

    Sorry for the length! I thank God for what you are doing!

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

      Thankful Husband,

      Wow.

      I appreciate you sharing your heart and perspective!

      I wonder if you would allow me to quote you in a future post, please?

      Thank you SO MUCH! This is very helpful information that I believe wives need to hear.

    • David J.
      March 1, 2013 at 10:46 pm #

      Thankful Husband: It is very encouraging to hear your story. I can relate to your wilderness years — I was there myself much of the time in a 29-year marriage (and seemingly all the time the last 15 of those years). My thoughts and feelings mirrored yours very closely, and you describe them well. Unfortunately, I never got to see the turn-around that you have, and my wife ended up divorcing me. But it truly is encouraging to hear from a husband who saw God bring change and is appropriately thankful for it. I’m also very happy for your kids and the atmospheric change I know they must be experiencing, whether they’re aware of the reasons or not. God bless you and your wife and your kids.

      • Thankful Husband
        March 2, 2013 at 1:26 am #

        I think that until both husband and wife, finally give it their everything…hearts, minds, dreams & bodies you are never going to truly be totally happy or holy. The kind of everything that is both terribly vulnerable and scary and even hurts some of the time …the kind that goes against the human reason we have and is the radical love Jesus calls us to. For us husbands that means giving & loving gently, tenderly and with passion for our wives and thinking of them before ourselves in the way we live our lives. To protect and to serve. For our wives that means trying to be our helpmate, who is often blessed with gifts we don’t have and using those special talents, wisdom, care and beauty to bless us and give to us. All I know is this, I was in the ministry for several years as a pastor…there isn’t much I haven’t seen in marriages & I can tell you our marriage was one of the worst. There’s more backstory to our story, but I can tell you this, God can heal any marriage but you are going to be beating your head against the wall until you go about it His way..

        Thank you for the ministry this blog is & yes I can’t believe someone would want to quote me…but you have permission and you’ll be in my prayers. Thanks for tackling this subject…

        • peacefulwife
          March 2, 2013 at 6:57 am #

          Thankful Husband,
          WOW!!!!!!!

          This is beautiful, too! THANK YOU for sharing!!!! I love your perspective and wisdom. And I appreciate your generosity, allowing me to quote you. I know what you are saying will greatly bless many marriages!

      • peacefulwife
        March 16, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

        Praying for you, David – for God to bring something beautiful from the ashes and to restore the years the locusts have eaten. Praying for God to use you to reach people for His kingdom and to use this pain and destruction for His glory. Praying for God to empower you to forgive and not to allow bitterness to take root. Praying for healing for you and your children. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

    • MARIE
      April 1, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

      That was wonderful. I am all teared-up now. Gives me hope that there are still men out there who, despite whatever corruption or tainted-ness has affected their concept of sex and women, there are still men who want to have and fight for the pure love that comes with selfless sacrifice in worship to God. Thanks for this.

      • peacefulwife
        April 1, 2013 at 11:06 pm #

        Aww! I’m so glad it gave you hope. There are some seriously wonderful godly men still in the world. I promise!

    • HopingToBeThankfulSomeday Husband
      August 30, 2013 at 9:50 pm #

      My wife totally can’t understand me. I can’t tell you how lonely it is. Oh but, I guess I can tell you because you get it. I never got too deep into porn but I have brushed up against it. It never became anything habitual and I have resisted it for the most part but again, it is so very, very lonely. Right now, I feel so completely separate from my wife that I can’t imagine our marriage surviving but yours did so I’m hopeful at least in that sense. Thank you for sharing this and giving me hope. What you describe is exactly where I am at and our marriage is at a horrible low point. It is such a desparate, depressing place to be and it isn’t all about sex and a “good time” but connecting and knowing someone and being known by them. She just can’t see past the idea that sex is the culmination of being connected but for a man it is most often the means by which the connection is nurished. Her giving herself to me in this way completes the cycle of “one flesh” and brings a union that seems impossible otherwise. The not even married guy that commented, __________. Sorry to be harsh but when you have been married for 20 years and most of that in frustration and loneliness, then you can talk. Sorry, probably should have just left that alone but I get so frustrated with GenY’ers going on about how sensitive they are how much they understand the feminine mystique and blahblahblah. Just sounds like the guy in college who was a “feminist” because it has more to do with his identity than it did actual feminist issues. Ouch. Sorry. Did it again.

      To your point about being an upstanding member in the church and so forth… completely resonates with me. I love God and I love my family. I have fought for so long and so hard the feelings of rejection and the bound up emotions of tension and pain only to hear pious brothers tell me that Jesus should just be enough. With friends like these, Job may well have cursed God and died already. I guess I’m sinful but your experience of 48-72 hours is mine to a “T” but I can’t really fight the resentment and the anger anymore. I’m just tired of feeling guilty over being disappointed that we go weeks without intimacy. I’m tired of feeling guilty that it often comes out sideways. I’m tired of feeling guilty that I can’t always look past my “needs” . I’m tired of feeling guilty that Jesus “isn’t enough”. I’m not a sex addict and my sexual desires are overwhelmingly for my wife but again, I’m tired of living this fight by the hour of every day. When we are physically together, my world goes from grey to color and I can lift my head again. The tensions and stresses that generally lead me to a feeling of impending doom in my workplace recedes and the next day I feel I can take on the world because there is a woman at home that has my back, that believes in me and is willing to give to me that precious gift, which is herself body and soul. That next day and for some time afterward, I just want to be close to her. I want to slay dragons and lay them at her feet. But when the rejection comes with the cold sense that my world is incomplete and I’m staring at the long, dark days ahead lonely and incomplete, my resentments and pain gets the better of me and my prayers ring hollow though I continue in them frequently praying for relief that I might be a better husband, that I wouldn’t need sex to feel connected and complete with my wife. But as you say, oxytocin and vasopressin are God designed to make men monogamous. God has made me this way. As despressing as the rejection coming from my wife is, I’m about to double it by quoting Kevin Cronin, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore”. Oh man, sorry for that. REO Speedwagon should never be quoted.

      • peacefulwife
        August 30, 2013 at 11:21 pm #

        Hoping to be Thankful Someday Husband,

        It is a pleasure to meet you.

        I’m so glad you reached out to Thankful Husband. I know he can give you huge encouragement. My heart breaks for you. Sexual rejection by your own spouse is excruciatingly painful. It is hard for me to imagine many things that are more painful, especially when it continues over a long period of time.

        You describe what rejection does to your soul in such an articulate way. And I love how you explain what her acceptance does for you. That is beautiful!

        I wonder if you might allow me to anonymously share parts of this comment. I don’t think a lot of wives realize the depths of pain, frustration and despair a husband can reach in such a situation.

        If there is a medical issue with your wife, or other issues, I may be able to direct her towards some resources.

        I pray for healing for you both and for your marriage.

  3. Joseph Riani
    March 1, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    I think some of you facts about oxytocin are not based in science and have been overly simplified. Here is a good article that discusses oxytocin (http://www.livescience.com/12833-love-hormone-oxytocin-dark-side.html). You have to be careful about citing research from dated studies. Also, many scientific studies are peppered with personal opinion sold as as “science fact.” The spiritual connection has to do with a different area of the brain entirely. I would encourage you to read the book “How God Changes Your Brain.” It is written by a neuroscientist.

    In either case I would say to the wife that groping would probably make me uncomfortable too. I would never grope my wife. Now, I would put every effort into seducing her to the point she leaps at me like a tiger does at its prey. Men and women have more erogenous zones that just the obvious. The back of a woman’s neck, behind her ear, and her feet (weird I know) are all sensitive zones. Consequently, you can’t really “grope” these areas. I would suggest to your husband that you want him to know your every sensitive spot to see if he can handle all your powerful feminine energy. If that doesn’t make him stop and think….post back.

    • Jennifer
      March 1, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

      I’m sorry. I don’t usually respond but having friends that are cognitive specialist and doctors within my circle, this simply just seems argumentative for argument sake.

      Even the article doesn’t debunk that oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone and that it is released after orgasm in men. Men work differently. It’s just that simple. It’s a great balance that requires men and women in a healthy marriages to work to meet the other’s needs. I’ve also read studies by hormone specialist and others who work in neuroscience that disagree with you. It’s also advantageous to ask yourself why you needed to argue this one point that has been proven to be true in recent studies? It doesn’t change the fact that April ‘s point was that men and women relate differently in sex.

      While I commend your sensitivity towards your wife, I will say that I admire and respect my husband’s sexuality and he has full reign to touch me, grope me and express himself any way he wants. I don’t consider it disrespectful but a way of my husband expressing his desire for me. I also believe the bible when he says my body is his. He treats it well and I trust him so I see no use in giving him any kind of boundaries except to insert control over something that no longer exclusively belongs to me.

      Few women out there support and encourage women to respect men the way April does. Nitpicking based on a potentially false opinion that has no merit in a message like this seems foolish.

      • peacefulwife
        March 1, 2013 at 9:50 pm #

        The oxytocin info I quoted was from Dr. Walt Larimore M.D. in “His Brain, Her Brain” – I believe.

        But yes – the main point is how different we are biochemically, physically, emotionally and to some degree even spiritually and how we can stretch to learn to meet our spouses’ different needs and grow outside of our own perspective. That is what helps to make us learn to be holy!

        Thanks, Jennifer!

      • Joseph Riani
        March 2, 2013 at 12:29 pm #

        I wasn’t saying oxytocin isn’t involved in love but it isn’t the whole thing nor is it ONLY released when men have sex. Men get an oxytocin boost just from being around women. That is why NASA found men come back less stressed when they send women into space with men.

        • peacefulwife
          March 2, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

          That is SO COOL! I wonder if the levels of oxytocin for men are greater when they are around respectful women vs. disrespectful women. Wouldn’t that be a great study to do???

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

      I will have to look at the article! That sounds very interesting. I believe I was quoting from His Brain, Her Brain by Dr. Walt Larimore, MD. Not sure what the year is on that book.

      Thank you for your insights!

      And thank you for encouraging men to be more gentle and suave. I appreciate it, Joseph!

      • Joseph Riani
        March 2, 2013 at 12:52 pm #

        Thanks April! I apologize if I came off as argumentative. I in no way meant to criticize you! You are doing a wonderful job here. As a scientist myself though I often see scientific results be taken and attached to the opinion(s) of the scientists publishing them. I read a recent study that 60% of women are bisexual. When you actually looked at the study though the techniques used were horrible inaccurate but once the media got a hold of it, it was over. It wouldn’t be hard to see why the media would like such a “statistic” these day.

        Also, when I read these kinds of things it makes men look very shallow. It is like saying “he can’t love and bond with me for who I am, he has to be getting sexual pleasure from me.” I really think the love and bonding happens before the wedding, is affirmed by God at the wedding, and celebrated sexually in marriage. The spiritual always takes primacy over physical (at least is should). When my fiancee gives me a compliment, I feel she loves me. We have both saved ourselves for marriage so clearly I am not marrying her because I feel sex bonded us.

        • peacefulwife
          March 2, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

          Joseph,
          I didn’t take what you said as being argumentative.

          And I definitely understand how easily studies and statistics can be skewed – so I don’t want to misinterpret or misquote scientific studies.

          Hmm… I definitely don’t want to say that sex is the only way that men can bond! My hope was to show that it is a huge way that they bond in marriage – and that for men it is a lot more than just a physical bonding in marriage.

          I want to see all couples bonding in marriage spiritually/emotionally/sexually. But I love the way you described bonding in that second paragraph. That is beautiful! I think I may have to quote that, too. I am going to need to make several posts for these topics!

          Such great discussion! Thank you!

        • peacefulwife
          March 2, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

          Joseph, I’m going to change a bit in the post and add your description.

      • Joseph Riani
        March 2, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

        Often times it isn’t the person reading the study who skews the study, rather it is the person who writes the study. There is a book called “How to Lie With Statistics.” It is a short and good read.

        • peacefulwife
          March 3, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

          Thanks! I appreciate your recommendation very much.

  4. Stephanie
    March 1, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

    I relate to this wife a lot. I HATE this kind of behavior. It’s so disrespectful.

    • Jennifer
      March 1, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

      Stephanie, feminist society tells you this is disrespectful. The Bible (specifically Song of Solomon) would disagree. Your husband was created a sexual being. He was created to express himself sexually just like we are created to express ourselves sexually. Judging so harshly his natural expression will (if not already) force him to deny a part of who he is and rob him of security of expression in your marriage.

      I’ve been there but understanding that my husband really does want my body to express his deep, manly (because he’s a man) affection for me has changed me and our marriage.

      What society is asking us to do by defining this as disrespect is to force men to communicate sexually as women. Then we turn around and tell them to man up in areas where we want them to be men.

      • peacefulwife
        March 1, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

        Jennifer,
        Thanks so much for sharing. It sounds like God has been working greatly in your life and marriage. That is AWESOME!!!!!!!!

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 7:05 am #

      Stephanie,
      This is a big issue in so many marriages! I pray that maybe God might give you new eyes to see your husband in a way that helps you be able to move towards him – and that God might also help your husband be able to approach you more gently. Thank you for sharing – MANY, MANY wives feel this same way. You are certainly not alone!

      Much love to you!

      • Stephanie
        March 2, 2013 at 11:24 am #

        It’s an interesting thread to read! I think there should be some clarification on “groping”. To me, it’s not done in the bedroom. That is regular, healthy intimacy. Groping is when you are fully dressed, going about your day, just random, often in public and it’s RUDE. period.

        • peacefulwife
          March 2, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

          Stephanie,

          What a great point! We didn’t define groping. But you are right – especially in public and in front of other people – that would be REALLY embarrassing to most women and quite a turn off. Hopefully we can kindly ask our men to limit the PDA to hand holding – and then enjoy each other in private. Thanks. Stephanie! :)

    • moj8668
      November 7, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

      Stephanie –

      I’ve been exactly where you are. Still go there occasionally. I think the piece that may be missing in this story is a simple question – what effort was the husband putting in to make sure that he was not JUST groping her? Was he making an effort to appreciate all of her – mind, soul, talents, etc. – or was he only showing appreciation for her body? Been there, done that and it hurts.

      I am a stereotypical female in that I need connection – emotional, mental, verbal connection. I can choose – and have chosen – to meet my husband’s needs for sex without any connection but I often (almost always!) end up feeling very much like a piece of meat. Like I’ve been used and tossed aside. ESPECIALLY if he has made no effort to connect with me in any other way.

      I am taking baby steps away from this attitude though. Teeny, tiny, am-I-really-even-moving, baby steps. Ironically, hubby’s behavior has nothing to do with it. I am learning – through an e-course study I have been blessed to be a part of – how to be a Respectful Wife and allow God to meet my needs. Are there still times I feel like hubby just wants to use me to meet his needs? Yep. But I immediately take it to my Abba and ask him to help me walk through it. Our mean don’t mean to demean us when they grope or use crude language. They honestly think they are telling us that they value us. Unfortunately, that can sometimes mistakenly communicate that our sexual parts are the ONLY thing they value. We can’t change their behaviors. But we can choose to see them as good-hearted men who occasionally get it wrong!

  5. Jennifer
    March 1, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

    Incredible response to this! A husband willing to express himself like that is a good indicator that he feels safe enough with his wife to be all that God created him to be as a man.

    I’ve seen this addressed really poorly and I’m so glad to find a respected, influential woman who encourages women to let their men be men.

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:48 pm #

      Thanks, Jennifer!

      I am giving it my best shot. I know there is not a blanket answer and there can be some situations that would be much more involved and difficult. But the thing I found most lacking in Christian books for wives about marriage were the practical examples of how to handle difficult situations with respect.

      If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them, too!

  6. David J.
    March 1, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    As far as a diplomatic response from the wife, perhaps something like, “I really like getting this attention from you and knowing that you want me. I would like it even more if you [fill in the blank with an alternative type of touch or statement].” Hopefully he’s not so slow on the uptake that you’ll have to go further and ask him not to do so-and-so, but if you do have to do that, leading with the fact that you understand and appreciate what he really means should make it a lot easier for him to hear the negative.

    As far as the underlying problem of feeling like a piece of meat, this is a devastating feeling to have or belief to hold if in fact it’s not the husband’s attitude but merely the wife’s interpretation of it. I’m going to assume that the husband is a Christian and/or that, either way, he’s not an outright slug who actually views his wife as just a piece of meat. If that assumption is correct, the wife’s mis-interpretation of his advances will not only embitter her (which she is realizing and asking about), but it will also frustrate and hurt him. He’s being accused (if only in her mind) of not loving her, of being completely selfish, and of having only base desires toward her — seeking fulfillment of those desires with her only because she’s the nearest available female. I can’t speak to where this slant comes from for this wife, but I can describe where it came from for my ex-wife. Some of it was sexual dysfunction in her background. That background in turn exacerbated the (distorted) message that is so easy to pick up in the church that sex is dirty and shameful. Related to that distorted message is the message that men especially have out-of-control, depraved sex drives and that their sexual motivations are entirely selfish. In fact, as April and Shaunti Feldhahn and others have tried to explain, that’s rarely true when we’re talking about most husbands’ sexual attraction to their wives. He chose that woman to marry in significant part because she is the woman he wanted to have sex with for the rest of his life; he wants to have sex with her as often as reasonably possible, not with any and every woman he sees; and he wants to have sex with her to demonstrate his love for her and to receive from her assurance of her love and her affirmation of him as a man.

    Can husbands sometimes use some help in learning more gentlemanly or tender ways to express their desire for their wives? Obviously so. Should their clumsiness in expressing their desire, or the frequency or intensity of their expressions of desire, be taken as evidence that their desire is unnatural, selfish, unloving, etc.? In most cases, absolutely not.

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

      David,

      SO helpful!!!! Would you please allow me to anonymously quote you in a future post? Thank you!

      • David J.
        March 1, 2013 at 10:38 pm #

        Absolutely. Doesn’t even have to be anonymously, unless that just works better for you.

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

      David,
      I added a long quote from you to the post. And I do hope to do several more posts on similar topics. Thanks for the masculine point of view!

  7. Rebekah
    March 1, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

    There are some great suggestions here. I think it is wrong to call groping disrespectful across the board, and it is wise to take each husband intent for what it is. A loving husband will happily receive suggestions, especially if he can stop doing something that discourages drive, and do something else that works better. Also, have patience, if you have accepted these things a long time, your hisband might have a habit to break, and might forget sometimes.
    Each person expresses affectiona little differently.

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:46 pm #

      It is hard for wives to feel like they are being groped. But I agree – that sometimes we miss our husbands’ hearts because they approach things VERY differently from the way we do. I do think that we can offer our husbands more hope and understanding and maybe gently ask for things that might work better. Thanks, Rebekah!

  8. Sad Husband
    March 1, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

    Yes, Yes, and Yes from a man. It has been crushing with the continual rejection from my wife of regular intimacy and sexual closeness. We may have sex but I have to ask, she will lay there motion less and stair off into space. Everything I do is wrong. I make 100% of the effort to sexually please and she seems to get satisfaction in saying she is getting even from all the “releases” I have had. After sex she will complain, and say hurtful things like I tore her vagina to shreds. You can have a physical release, but as a man you want to connect deeper. Being denied this connection wears me down as a husband. If I give her hug than squeeze her breast, she lashes out in anger and not love. No, I don’t do it everyday, and if I do it is at home in private. The statement of you marry a women because you feel god made this person for companionship and sex really is correct. Hearing her say she services me or using sex as payment for getting to stay out with friends really hurts. When she says the next day, you can’t disagree with me, I gave you sex, just sucks. Or saying see, I gave you sex and you are now doing this. It is not what God intended between man and women in marriage and honoring him.

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2013 at 9:45 pm #

      Sad Husband,

      Thank you for sharing!

      I wonder if you might allow me to quote you in a future post anonymously, please?

      I think this is an important message for wives to hear.

    • David J.
      March 1, 2013 at 10:51 pm #

      Sad Husband: I’m sorry, man. I feel your pain. Will your wife go to counseling? It didn’t work for my marriage, because my wife rejected what the various counselors said, but it was worth doing because she for sure wasn’t hearing it from me. Perhaps your wife will be different? Either way, your marriage is so important that it justifies doing everything you can. I pray for change for you like what Thankful Husband has experienced.

    • theresiawikstrom
      March 2, 2013 at 5:39 am #

      I’m so sorry for you!
      I understand that a lot of things that your wife communicates to you must be very hurtful but my only tip is to communicate. Try to listen to her explain how she feels. Try not to get angry or hurt. Explain humbly how much sex means to you, not only physically but for your intimacy.
      And also… at least for me. Sex is not way as personal for me as it is for my husband. I think that if I reject him sexually that has NOTHING to do with how much I love him. I know now that that’s totally crazy for a man and also for me sex is becoming more and more one part of our relationship. But, try not to take her refusal and lack of interest so personal.
      Sex can be quite demanding for us women sometimes, even though we love our husbands so much, and we can feel like we something grand if we had sex even if we were just staring in the ceiling. So even if you think that your sex lacks in many ways, try to show appreciation. In the morning say something like: Thanks for yesterday baby, I really loved being close to you (don’t approach her for more, just be thankful). I believe that when we show appreciation for the little things we will get more.
      1. Communicate about sex without anger or demands
      2. Don’t take the refusals so personal (there can be so many things that make us not feel like having sex and most often it’s concerning us, not you)
      3. Show appreciation

      This is sacrificial, but the bigger the sacrifice, the bigger the gain. Go for it and good luck! Things surely can change (and also women tend to get more and more sexually interested as the years go by).

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 7:07 am #

      Oh, and I wanted to ask – does she have medical issues where she is having pain during sex? That can make it very hard for wives to want to have sex – when they are in excruciating pain. :( If so, let me know and I will see what resources I can find. I want to see huge healing in your marriage! I am praying for you!

    • MARIE
      April 10, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

      I have been hearing more of this over the last year or two, as husbands courageously become more vocal about what’s churning and burning inside. Sad Husband I am really very sorry to hear this and even I, a career selfish single for so long, can attest that, NO, this is not God’s intent. This is one of the reasons why I have lately been taking time to count the cost of what it means to take care of my future husband, and to do everything possible to make sure he doesn’t feel I despise him as a person just because he wants to be desired. This is a true test of selflessness.

      I am really kind of shocked to learn this is so common. I gave up watching TV three years ago so I tend to be late with what all is going on in popular cultural; but one thing I have noticed is that there seems to be this surge of women who are just mean and pride themselves on the ability to be sexually brazen and/or sexually manipulative–THAT is problematic.

      I hope you all have a good bible-teaching pastor and some marriage professionals they can refer you to, because I would say this is definition a 911 situation.

  9. Lynne
    March 1, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

    Excellent dialogue, and I enjoyed reading the comments as much as the blog. April, thank you for handling a difficult subject with such grace.

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 6:54 am #

      Lynne,
      Thanks for the comment! This is a tough topic – with so much pain on both sides of the marriage relationship.

      I am hoping to use some of the comments in a future post – there are some really great ideas here!

  10. Josephine Harkay
    March 2, 2013 at 1:54 am #

    They say a person’s true nature manifests itself when making love or when driving a car. – If husband and wife truly love each other, they will find those expressions of sexual passion that are mutually acceptable and desireable and that are within the moral perimeters of their religious beliefs. You have to speak up, especially if there is some difference in your cultural backgrounds.

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 6:47 am #

      Josephine,

      Great point!

      I think many women don’t say what they want or need – or maybe sometimes we do say it but possibly in a harsh way. I would love to see us learn to communicate about what we want and need gently and also to listen to what our husbands want and need, too.

      Thank you!

      • theresiawikstrom
        March 2, 2013 at 7:47 am #

        A little while back I wrote a list in the notebook in my husbands iPhone. It was a list of things I think is romantic. A year back I wrote a similar list but then I just listed activities and things I wished for. He did some of them and that was great but this time I focused more on everything that I find romantic and what makes me feel loved. I wrote things like “when you carry heavy things (for me)”, “when you act protective and loving towards the kids”, “when you touch me in a caring and protective way”, “flowers”, “taking me to the cinema”, “when you dance for me”…

        This was such a great thing! (It took me many years to understand but my husband really loves lists, even when I write him to-do-lists… I’m always wondering if it’s disrespectful but he always responds very positively. I guess he likes when his actions gets clear results and that I can notice easily what he’s doing!) Anyway… I’ve tried to explain to him for all our marriage that it means so much to me when he touches me caringly and protectively but I think I haven’t expressed myself too good before. Now I found those two words and he understands! =) And also, if he’s understood it before he’s forgotten it soon anyway. Now he gets reminded now and then when he checks the list and I have really enjoyed how he’s touched me the last month or more since I wrote the list. If he’s got my point before it has only lasted for a day or so… :) :)

        • peacefulwife
          March 2, 2013 at 12:42 pm #

          If your husband loves lists – it is NOT disrespectful! If you are not dictating to him, but just giving him the opportunity to be your hero – and you don’t resent him if he doesn’t do those things – then I say, “WRITE LISTS for him!” :)

          Please let me quote you in a post! I think that idea may work for some other marriages, too. :)

  11. theresiawikstrom
    March 2, 2013 at 4:59 am #

    Sometimes I feel that my husband approaches me crude or “immature”. But then I try to focus on that this signalizes that he’s feeling well and unlimited. My husband has been depressed sometimes and then he don’t do that, and I want him to be happy. Sometimes he dances for me in a fun way with a sexual twist. I don’t think I would like that some years back but now I truly rejoice. I can see that he’s feeling happy and free – he’s letting it all out, showing me his emotions without fear and without having to regulate how he wants to approach me. I want to give him that gift – that he can just be himself around me, trusting that I love him always.

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 6:48 am #

      Theresia,
      Aww! What a beautiful attitude you have developed. I love that you can see through his approach to his heart and that it means he deeply loves you and feels free to be himself. That is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing!

      • theresiawikstrom
        March 2, 2013 at 7:48 am #

        Thank you so much April! =)

  12. peacefulwife
    March 2, 2013 at 7:22 am #

    I hope to do a few posts on husbands’ perspectives of this issue. One thing I would like to address is:
    – what does sexual rejection in marriage do for a man physically/emotionally/spiritually
    – what does sexual acceptance do for a man? How does a wife’s willing, joyful responsiveness impact a husband’s heart and soul?

    Thank you!

    • Thankful Husband
      March 2, 2013 at 10:46 am #

      Peaceful wife,
      Can I make a suggestion to add one line right before what does rejection/acceptance mean? I think you need to define what rejection and acceptance is. In my experience husbands and wives have vastly different definitions of this….and that therefore leads to a ton of heartbreak, frustration and strife because while we think we are working towards the same goal often times we are not even playing on the same field. Hope that makes sense.

      • peacefulwife
        March 2, 2013 at 12:28 pm #

        Thankful Husband, I would love to hear more about your take on this. Would you like to elaborate? I think you may be on to something important. :)

      • Joseph Riani
        March 2, 2013 at 12:35 pm #

        He makes a great point! Maybe I will try to email you my take.

      • Thankful Husband
        March 2, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

        I’ll give it my best shot, but I’m no expert. I think it comes down to communication between the husband and wife, because no couple is going to be alike. If all men were alike and all women were alike…it wouldn’t matter who we married but we are unique with unique needs. Preferably this happens before marriage. If the prospective husband says I know I need sex five times a week and to have you actively involved and enjoying it right alongside me most of the time (I get there are times where a wife just ministers/loves her husband and is just there…but that can’t be the norm) and the prospective wife thinks sex once a month or even once a week is her max. Well it’s probably time to call of the wedding because you are just setting yourself up for disaster. However, most of us just didn’t get that kind of counsel before marriage so we do the best we can…but start communicating today, right now and don’t be shy…being open and blunt goes a long way.

        The other part of it besides communication is obviously understanding where your spouse is coming from. While we are unique individuals we have to understand that certain things are normal, okay. I was just watching an old war movie about WWII and the American troops were coming up on the beach to fight the germans. However, the french troops who were guarding the beach didn’t believe the leaflets dropped by the Americans beforehand to let them know they were indeed Americans and not to shoot. The Americans announced beforehand and even once one the beach that they were on the same team. Yet out of fear, they ended up shooting it out and countless lives were lost. That’s marriage a lot of the time. We are on the same team yet we don’t understand the other’s intentions so instead of coming alongside them and helping them (and getting the help we so desperately need) we end up shooting it out.

        So to that end and I won’t speak for all husbands but my definition of sexual acceptance is 1 )accepting that my needs/desires are healthy, correct and not wrong or too demanding 2)trying with everything you have to meet those needs (and she has my promise to treat her needs in life just as urgently and fervently)

        What that looks like in real life for me is we are pretty much an every other night couple, sometimes it’s a couple in a row (sometimes a morning, followed by the next night) & sometimes we take two nights in a row off if we are extremely tired or if someone is sick. She is available, involved (not staring at the ceiling) and doesn’t resent me need for her. If indeed for some reason she’s not up to the task, she will gladly give me a hj or sometimes a bj with a kiss and I love you before and after (and during) because really sex for us sure if physical but it’s emotional & even spiritual…not sure how to explain that except to say it’s the closest thing I will ever experience to heaven until I’m there.

        Now she had to both go through a mind/heart change to get to this point and even take testostrone (she tested at zero).

  13. Mrugrajj
    March 2, 2013 at 10:37 am #

    I read the post and I really felt so nice and amazed the way you think/do to deal with such a delicate and an important matter of any relation.

    I highly appreciate the way you understand a Man’s heart and Mentality\Psychology. And that even in a positive way.

    I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but

    The way you have suggested to wives/females to deal with their husbands/partners on their unusual demands or valid demands on wrong time or in bad mood are really really appreciable.
    I think whatever you have suggested here if any wife/female understand and applies it in her life she won’t only be able to deal the scenario/situation successfully and gracefully but she will certainly win the more love, more trust and more heart of her husband/partner.

    She will definitely be a true partner and a Better half. A true lady who has been leading the Relations, Lives, Families, Society and the world…. :)

    Thanks… By the way I am a bachelor yet ;)

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

      Thank you, Mrugrajj!
      I appreciate you sharing your masculine perspective.

  14. Brittany Lee
    March 2, 2013 at 11:56 am #

    I don’t want this to seem like silly questions, but I’m not married yet and I have always wondered about sex and marriage. It’s been something that I knew happened in marriage but I just… It escapes me.

    1. I have fallen into sexual sins before, and I’ve never really had a good image of myself and the idea of sex. Just the idea really bothers me. Maybe that will change on my wedding day, but what if it doesn’t? How could I possibly think about that in order to make it seem okay to me?

    2. What can a husband and wife do in a situation where they are just not able to be around each other for awhile (traveling for work, etc)? The Thankful Husband brought up his points of how drained he feels without his wife in those ways. Then what? I don’t believe masturbation is okay, ever. What does it leave a married couple?

    I probably have more questions, but I’m really just too embarrassed to keep going on here. I ask that you all are patient with me as I try to learn what to expect the day I get married. Sex is definitely a topic that I’ve never really talked about and don’t even know what to think of. It’s never had good memories associated with it. Thanks.

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

      Brittany,
      I will do my best to answer your questions if you want to email me – aprilc@sc.rr.com
      And you can always ask questions anonymously without your name here if you would like to.

      I would recommend reading Intended for Pleasure a month or two before you get married.
      I would also recommend Tommy Nelson’s study on the Song of Solomon.

      And then keep in mind that God created sex to be a very good thing in marriage – the one flesh relationships is an earthly picture of the one spirit relationship between Christ and His church. There is guilt with sex outside of marriage because it is destructive outside of marriage. God can forgive us! THANKFULLY! And let us have a new start emotionally and spiritually. But there is baggage to overcome when there are already experiences before marriage. You will need the power of God and Jesus’ blood. He paid for that sin. You can ask Him for forgiveness and turn from it and He can renew your heart and mind about a healthy view of sex.

      When couples can’t be together, or there is chronic illness or medical conditions – that can be quite a challenge. I have a post by a 40 year old single guy, Justin, about submitting our sexual desire to the Lord here. His ideas are helpful before marriage and after marriage in times like these.

      Much love to you, my sister! Great questions!

    • Thankful Husband
      March 2, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

      Brittany,
      Since you reference me, I’ll respond as best I know. First, just knowing that your current struggle & image or idea of sex is not the correct one to have once you are married to your husband is half the battle. You know that you need to have a positive view…when a wife is having a battle with this in her mind it sure helps to here very, very regularly “I love with all my heart and I want to be your sexy wife. I’ll get there, be patient with me. I want to get there because you are the world to me”…we are all works in progress as husbands and wives but it hear it takes the hopelessness out of the equation for the husband. He knows it won’t be like this forever. I know our battle/progress has taken years and while I look back at that time with heartache I wouldn’t change a thing if it got us to this place. Just let your husband know that you agree on where you need to be and that you are actively working to get there…that means ALOT!

      As far as travel. I’m fortunate in that I run my own business so my family travels with me when I have to travel. But there is once, at the most twice, a year where my wife goes to take care of a family member for four days or so or goes to a scrapbooking event with her friends for a few days and to be honest….she knows me and accepts me for who I am. So I get “taken care of”directly before and directly upon arrival (did I mention I have the greatest wife ever!) but she also plans to not be gone for more than a few days, once in a great while 5 (like every five years). To be honest I can’t give you alot of advice outside of that…I’m not sure how couples who have to be apart for long periods do it… To be honest I could handle the military as I’m not afraid of bullets coming my way but this is the one thing that would terrify me & I probably couldn’t do it.. Your husband may be different.

      • Brittany Lee
        March 4, 2013 at 11:23 am #

        Both of you made good points. I know that my image of sex will one day need to change upon marriage. I know the Lord has the power to change it with me.

        I appreciate the answers. It’s really helpful.

  15. Mrugrajj
    March 2, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    In connection to my previous comment “I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but”
    I know sometimes man be crazy or rude for his sexual need but actually it’s an uncontrollable, unintentionally, circumstantially “Ejaculation of Emotions”. Sometimes it is a result or product of frustration, Sometimes Overwhelmed by love, Sometimes over happiness, Sometimes tiredness. Sometimes discrepancy, Sometimes fear and list can go on…
    So the bottom line is that it’s not at all a deliberately created situation or habit. You just need to observe n figure out why,when,how this happened.

    Why I got amazed is the way you have described the things with a man’s perspective. Because being a partner it’s a moral responsibility to handle a partner regardless of gender. I could connect myself in the suggestions made to wives to deal an unusual demand or action of male partner. I’ll certainly feel much calm, cool, love, affectionate and peace if my to be partner respond in any of above way to my such an unusual sexual demand or act (Ejaculation of Emotions).

    In My religion(Hindu) it’s a “Dharma” – one of the Supreme Duties to Protect, understand and support our partner in bad and good and in any situation till last breath.

    I think you are a very good wife who understands a man’s psychology plus who can see so deep in man’s heart and having such an excellent understandings.
    In any couple partner t it is essential to know his/her partner’s heart and psychology, Not just to know but also understands each other and act accordingly.

    Thank you Peaceful Wife :)

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

      Thanks, Mrugrajj,

      You are welcome here.

      I like the concept of Dharma. That is beautiful.

      Any wisdom I have is from God. He has taught me these amazing truths and I pray He might use me to shine for Him so others can find a relationship with Him and find His path to true joy, peace and abundant life. :)

  16. Sad Husband
    March 3, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

    It has taken some 14 years of marriage to figure out why I was feeling so unloved. Not only was I not getting emotional support and feeling the homefront was all and well, but when I would return, from extended leave (gone 1-to 2 months) I would not only want a big hug and hello from wife but the physical desire to have sex when I set eyes on here and overcome with desire and to have her put it off or like I only viewed her as a piece of meat hurt so much and caused major conflict. She now says if she never has sex again she would be content and happy. She says her job is done after having four kids.

    The comments on this post just reaffirm me why I feel this way.

    By the way I went to Focus on the Family for refferal of christian counsler. The one were seeing has been horrible at addressing the issues. The female counsler seems to enjoy saying I’m an asshole. When the topic of sex came up and my wife says she only has sex out of fear, (ouch that hurts my soul). the counseler stares at me and condemns me and says do you want this for your wife.

    Somewere in this is a lesson from God. It hurts so much and I am miserable thinking how horribly this affects my beloved children. I want my wife to be happy, and it’s apparent I can not do it.

    I pray for April, you don’t become bogged down in the negativity of this. Like a police officer who only investigates homicides it changes you.

    I have been learning alot of wisdom from the males and females taking the time to share.

    • MV
      March 3, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

      Speaking as the wife who first posed this question to April.. if your wife associates sexuality with pain (mine was excruciating for several years), after a while it’s impossible to separate your negative feelings about how it feels, from your feeling about sexuality in general and then after a longer while from your feelings about your husbands sexuality. Suddenly you wake up one day and realize you’d just like the whole mess to go away because you don’t know how to cope or fix it. And in my case that meant constant rejection of my husbands advance because I didn’t want to be reminded of the pain, or of my limitations and failures.

      I would definitely recommend better counseling!! My continued search for solutions, for how to respectfully handle things, for how to meet my husbands needs in spite of physical limitations, trying to understand what it means to him etc has mostly been spurred on by Christian people in my life who lovingly remind me that this part of my marriage is too important to just give up or check out on. So we continue to pray, talk and seek answers both individually and as a couple.

      • peacefulwife
        March 3, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

        MV,
        I’m glad you commented! :)

        When there is sexual dysfunction and PAIN – sex can be such an overwhelming challenge. Thank you for sharing your perspective – I don’t know if many husbands appreciate just how excruciatingly painful sex can be for women at times. It adds an enormous burden to the marriage when this is the case.

        I’m glad that you are continuing to look for help. I’m so proud of you!!!!

    • peacefulwife
      March 3, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

      Sad Husband,

      My heart breaks for you and your wife!!!! :(

      I wonder if your wife would be willing to see a male counselor with you? Or at the very least, a counselor who can at least try to address both sides with respect?

      Your wife has sex out of fear – as in, fear that she will upset you if she doesn’t? Or fear that you’ll cheat?

      Is there anything your wife says that might help her be more receptive? Is she actually having physical pain during sex?

      I believe you are tasting just a bit of the pain that God experiences when we reject Him spiritually. And then to see the way He continues to love us deeply and gives us so many chances and even sacrificed Himself for us when we still viewed Him as our enemy. This can definitely help us to understand how much God longs to connect spiritually with us – and how much He is grieved when we don’t want Him and turn Him away. He is a gentleman. He doesn’t force Himself on us spiritually – just like a loving husband doesn’t force himself on his wife sexually.
      And He is perfect Husband – yet we still reject Him.

      This rejection you are experiencing may have a lot more to do with your wife’s physical pain and fear and mindset than it has to do with her rejection of you personally. I don’t know if that eases the pain at all. But that is my guess.

      Thankfully – God showed me early on how to not carry the weight of other people’s problems – but to leave it at His feet – or it would definitely crush me.

      But – I also get to see God do many miracles each week. So when I look at your marriage – I see all that God wants to do and I can look ahead to the miracles He has in store. I can already see the healing, peace and joy that God desires to bring to you and your wife. I know that it will be a painful road – but I know where the end of the road is and I completely trust and have faith that God is ABLE to bring great glory for Himself in your situation. So I see your pain. And I HURT for you. Then I take you and your wife and lay you both in the sovereign, powerful arms of Jesus and I know that He can bring beauty from ashes. Now I look forward to what His plans are for you both and your precious children!

      I pray that God might give you wisdom and His love and power to lead with His Spirit leading you. I pray for Him to draw you and your wife to Himself. And I pray for Him to bring healing to your sexual unity and intimacy as well as the emotional and spiritual intimacy in your marriage.

    • MARIE
      April 10, 2013 at 8:15 pm #

      This is painful to me and I’m not even a man.

  17. Jack B.
    March 4, 2013 at 12:51 am #

    To the wife that is offended and feels like a piece of “meat” believe basic communication and talking what your husbands does that offends you. Just let him what you don’t like, Men are not mind readers. But then tell him what you do “like” when he speaks to you.

    Our culture sends and protrays so many false signals, in movies, TV , ads…. A husband views one of these
    media samples and thinks his wife will respond positively!
    Maybe some wifes do respond positively! Some like you do not. Just a question of likes. If you just tell him you don’t like it , but again at the same time tell him what you like so you don’t leave him with nothing to go on.

    Regading what it feels like when my wife responds positively to sex? It feels like “home”. When she fully
    embraces me sexually, no hang ups, and just does what I like and enjoy. Like cooking my favorite meall with all the trimmings. Who would not be HAPPY!! ???

    We’ve been married over 25 yrs. things were really bad, her hang ups and pass regarding sex and certain
    acts. I would have left, but the Lord is good, I made a committment to say no matter what , even if I did not get what I desired. And then, do you know what happened?
    One day she was just ok with it, and does it willingly and offen!

    I look back and could have blown it, I guess the Lord rewards those who stick to their vows, (but I do know
    it’s not like this in every relationship :(.

    When my wife did not respond to may advances and would then make time to read her Bible and pray (I guess she just using the praying part , as her excuse for not being together. All I could think about was her rejection, 24/7. I would try with all my strenght to put on a happy face and act like it did not matter.

    I great sex book by a Christian author Dr. Lehman, titled
    “Sheet Music” really helped make sex good, the book was very funny and put things in perspective !!

    I would then seek out sex sites (husband and wives)
    Yes, it’s wrong, but not viewing the sites to get
    stimulated. But I was amazed at all the happy wives
    who do things for thier husbands, happyly.

    My question over and over to the Lord. was “why are some wives so willing and able to do almost anything for thier husbands and some wives (espiecailly Christian wives) so intent on destroying thier relationship with their husbands and make sex as “evil, dirty and bad”. Why does God bring two people like this together, how can we give God Glory, when things in the bedroom is so miserable?

    Back to the topic at hand, unless the wife can look at her
    husband and “KNOW” that he does not treat her “like meat”, she can play along with her. But if it is truly something that offends her, talk about it in love.

    Jack B.

  18. MARIE
    April 1, 2013 at 11:50 pm #

    In David’s perspective he does what I’ve seen a lot of men do: he responds as though it is a safe assumption that the man has the correct perspective and need not change. I was ready to hear some wonderfully warm comments and beautiful metaphors that I KNOW men are capable of coming up with about what sex with that one special woman means to them, (just look at the songs and poetry they’ve written) but instead he starts right out talking about how she must be misinterpreting. I think there should be a little less focus on the way posts like this where a wife is simply reporting and bringing observation to her experience “makes men look”. The wife’s perception should be prioritized properly in a situation like this because there is a thin line to cross over into abuse. Because we are all fallen, frail, and fallible human beings, we WILL from time to time ACTUALLY DO THINGS that SIMPLY ARE a bad look.

    This wife is not his ex-wife. All women are not the same. Some think kissing a certain way is disgusting and it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SHAME MESSAGES FROM THE CHURCH OR PAST SEXUAL ABUSE; I think that’s a bit of a broad brush because there are some churches that encourage great sex lives within marriage and have done so at least since the early 1990’s (I’ve been in a few). Some women want stimulation more than penetration, and it doesn’t have to be a statement that she thinks his “thing” is repulsive; some women have no interest in sex at that same moment as their husbands because of how she feels about an outstanding issue that he said, “Let’s just drop it” about but the root problem is not yet solved. Also, there is a whole context that we must reckon with, and it involves the epidemic of pornography—not just with all the new technology and easy access, but also because of the history of probably most men and exposure to it as boys.

    I’ve seen that many men have a habit of going straight into advice and instruction mode about how the woman needs to adjust herself to the man’s satisfaction, without giving due consideration to the fact that maybe the guy was doing something off. It’s kind of like 3 sets of 3 words that some men have difficulty with: “I don’t know” or “I love you” or “I was wrong”–none of these three need be the death of you. I don’t like it when one man speaks for all or most men, because I believe it is an adult function in any relationship, especially a marriage, to represent one’s own mind–no actors or pastors or comedians turned relationship or manhood experts and making all of this money with their books. I’ve never understood the need for articles and books called “50 Things Men Wish Women Knew”, and I’m standing there thinking, “Why is he wishing when he can speak; maybe not using 200 words like the woman, but he may need to use 20. Why are grown people speaking to each other through other people—so-called experts?” I hope I’m not oversimplifying here but I just genuinely do not see the reason for the complication most times.

    If I am unhappy with something my man does, I want our relationship to be mature enough that I can approach him at an appropriate moment and say, “Oh Papa, I’m sorry I really don’t care for when you stick your tongue in my ear” (outside of the actual moment he’s doing it); it doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that. The idea that the wife is supposed to be pleased with and approving of EVERYTHING a husband wants to give or that he can think up in his mind is a fantasy. Me, I’m a little cerebral so my husband will score big with intellectual stimulation; there’s nothing like a meeting of the minds and a sprinkling of verbal sparring to get me all hot and bothered! Another one would be when he sets “his boys” straight about our roles toward one another; something like, “Uh, no, actually I don’t ‘control my woman’ as you put it. She has a mind and a pretty good sensibility about etiquette and decorum because she’s an adult.” or like if some guy says, “Wow man, she really knows her place” he says, “Thank you for the compliment, I think. What exactly is her place by the way?” or “He He, all you need to know is my wife takes care of me; I’m a blessed man”–major turn-on! Those types of little “talk-backs” do at least 4 things: 1. Helps dispel myths and chip away at some of the sexist nasty culture a lot of men have been socialized with, 2. Affirms that I am a person who happens to also be his wife and when someone asks me a question, I don’t always automatically respond with, “Uh, Jared, what do I think?” 3. It shows “his boys” that they are dealing with a grown man who can value what they meant to each other “back in the day” in proper proportion to his relationship with me and what he is NOW, and 4. It protects me and relieves me of having to defend my emotions under attack by those who are positioned in society as stronger than me.

    Anyway, my point? A few, actually. Women are various and multi-featured, knowing the thinking of one woman does not constitute expertise on how WOMEN think. Please balance your imagination of the dilemma and its causes and remedies more from the idea that it is possible that the situation is exactly as the wife is observing it; (she’s not “overreacting”) failing to do this serves to negate her experience as a figment of her imagination, without thought to what she may be basing it on and is disrespectful. What some of us women are concerned about is that sometimes there are men who pressure so much for specific sexual acts despite the wife’s misgivings, and are so quick to dismiss those misgivings and chalk it up to some kind of pre-existing social or religious condition. Hey guys, it could be that she just doesn’t like the act, and it’s a scary thought that there are men out there who will prioritize a specific act over the wives they say they love so much that they will go get some random woman to do what they wants to meet their “need” anyway (doesn’t look like laying down one’s life to me).

    One thing I CAN TELL YOU WITH CERTAINTY; when you talk about a woman of pure heart and mature character, there is ALMOST NOTHING SHE WILL NOT WANT TO DO WITH YOU if she is CERTAIN in her innermost parts that you’re after HER and see HER and are not just using her to stroke your own ego (and I have no objections to the ego needing strokes) or trying to stay current with what your friends are talking about they are getting (which I would hope none of you even have those kinds of friends) or because you saw some maneuver in a magazine or something.

    • David J.
      April 2, 2013 at 2:41 am #

      Marie: I think you’re doing me a disservice; perhaps you missed my full comment (March 31 at 4:00 p.m.). The first paragraph of my comment took the wife’s statement at face value and merely suggested a diplomatic response for her that would communicate her discomfort without squelching her husband’s proper desire for her. My second paragraph (from which April quoted in the main post) specifically and repeatedly qualified what I was saying, in case this wife’s husband truly was being completely inappropriate by anyone’s definition. I said: “As far as the underlying problem of feeling like a piece of meat, this is a devastating feeling to have or belief to hold IF IN FACT it’s not the husband’s attitude but merely the wife’s interpretation of it. I’M GOING TO ASSUME that the husband is a Christian and/or that, either way, he’s not an outright slug who actually views his wife as just a piece of meat. IF THAT ASSUMPTION IS CORRECT . . .,” and so forth. In the last paragraph of my comment I specifically agreed that husbands can sometimes use some help in learning more gentlemanly or tender ways to express their desire for their wives and that they can be clumsy in expressing their desire.

      My main point — in case I did not make it clear in the earlier comment — was this: If a Christian wife wrongly believes that her husband views her as merely a piece of meat, that misinterpretation of his attitude will be devastating to him and to their relationship. Most of the time, a Christian husband’s attitude is actually much more wholesome than perhaps the wife realizes: he chose to marry her because SHE is the woman he wanted to have sex with for the rest of his life; he wants to have sex with HER as often as reasonably possible, not with any and every woman he sees; and he wants to have sex with her to demonstrate his love for her and to receive from her assurance of her love and her affirmation of him as a man.

      I gathered from the wife’s subsequent comment to April — “After sitting here a while pondering your reply I have decided that my prayer needs to be this- that the Lord would allow me to really hear my husband’s heart in this area, that it would be louder than Satan’s lies about my limitations and failures” — that she agreed it was possible she was misinterpreting her husband’s intentions/motivations.

      I hope this clarifies what I was trying to say. If your experience with Christian husbands generally has been different, I’m sorry to hear that.

      • MARIE
        April 10, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

        Okay, sorry about that. I see it more clearly.

      • MARIE
        April 12, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

        Okay, I stepped away for awhile; I read your comments a second time and, yes, I see how you were coming from the perspective of the wife wrongly perceiving or believing her husband is basically using her. I think where my mind was is that I’ve seen too many situations where the wife’s report or raising of a concern is automatically blown off as her emotion replacing her rationality. We have a society where I’ve seen countless man and woman interactions, and husband and wife interactions (out to dine or something) where the woman gets told, “you’re overreacting”, “you’re not thinking clearly” or even, “you’re crazy” this is a form of emotional manipulation on the male side which has the affect of causing the woman to doubt herself unduly or shut her down because, after all, if something important was up HE, with his superior observational skills would have called it first, OR he already knows she is bringing something important to his attention but doesn’t want to deal with it because it will lead to him having to admit he was wrong and make some corrections.

        So, while you were saying if the woman wrongly perceives or believes he is just heartlessly manhandling her and just being a complete horndog, but his intentions were opposite to this it can be devastating, my concern was that it is such an automatic for men to vindicate and validate other men that they so often speak from that premise as though such men doing things in need of correction or improvement exist only few and far between or as tranplants from some foreign planet.

        When I was working in Dr Hegstrom’s Life Skills program back in 2007, we did a study called, “The 24 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships” and it all mostly came down to lack of external support of some kind that would validate her ability to maneuver on her own–rationally and otherwise. That is basically a situation where she is loyal to her husbands way of viewing things to an unhealthy extreme because it makes her belittle the intelligence God gave to get herself and children out of the path of this man who has serious issues.

        Again, I understand now that you were’nt saying the woman is imagining things, and I’m glad, David. But now, hopefully we can see more men using their wisdom to influence other men to look at some things they’ve been doing, even unconsciously, to facilitate the woman’s betrayal of her own faculties; how damaging statements like, “Who’s been filling your head with these crazy ideas!?” really are. I’ve had a good discussion about this with one I was dating a while back, how there are modalities of manhood that have been inculcated but never proved under scriptural scrutiny. I once asked him, “May I ask you one question? How do you that that is what what men are supposed to do?” you could sware someone gave him a Mayweather to the body or something the look on his face.

        Needless to say that’s why I’m not married to him now–one reason anyway.

      • moj8668
        November 7, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

        David –

        You’ve had some great thoughts but let me give you one more from a wife who has, indeed, felt like a piece of meat.

        I had four children in just under five years and spent a number of years with two in diapers. To say that my time and attention was full of the demands of little ones would be an understatement. Then hubby would come home. After dinner he would relax for a bit then, as bedtime neared, he would let me know that he was interested in some “adult attention.” During the time he’d been relaxing, I’d been cleaning up from dinner, giving baths, taking care of bedtime needs, laundry, etc. and this after a day full of washing dirty faces, feeding the kids, etc. By the time he started groping me it was just one more person who wanted to take something from me. Yes, he treated me like a piece of meat.

        I remember one conversation clearly. I was doing a lousy job trying to communicate how worn out I was by whining about how demanding the kids had been that day. He had “the look” in his eyes as he said, “So doesn’t all of that make you want to do something more grown – up?”

        I looked at him and said, “Like have a conversation that doesn’t involve Nick Jr., Disney, Barbie?! You bet!” He got angry. Not my finest moment, I know.

        My husband is an amazing man and a devout follower of Jesus. Sex does not make me feel connected to him no matter how good it is. It allows me to meet his needs but does nothing to meet mine. In the past we have gone days without experiencing any real conversation or “connection” outside of sex. When that happened, I could go through with the act but I got nothing out of it. In fact, I had to battle feelings of resentment as I wondered why I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to build a real relationship with. I am not, by any means, minimizing my hubby’s need for sex or trying to discount how it can make him feel when I am enthusiastically engaged. I’m simply stating that my need for a relationship that goes beyond sex is just as valid and sometimes I think that need can be minimized in discussions like this.

        You have given me much to think about and I have truly enjoyed the things you have shared. I just wanted to speak up for the wives like me. There are men out there who are communicating that their wife is, indeed, just a piece of meat and they don’t realize it much less mean to do it!

        • David J.
          November 7, 2013 at 7:39 pm #

          @moj8668: I do not mean in any way to minimize the competing demands on your time and energy. It takes much intentional effort, strategy, prioritizing, grace, and God-enablement to be a mom and a lover, especially when the kids are young.

          But . . . think of it this way: what if your husband (“an amazing man and a devout follower of Jesus”) on a regular basis didn’t have the energy after being husband, father, church member, etc. to go to work and provide for the family? Or what if he were grumpy or begrudging about going to work rather than willing? You’d say (and I’d agree with you), “That’s no excuse.” Because an inherent promise in his decision to marry you and to become a father was that he would go to work every day, whether he felt like it or not (barring serious illness), and provide for you and the kids. Believe me — for most men, their wife’s inherent promise to willingly and frequently have sex with them is just as important to them as his promise to be a provider is to you. Yes, it can be very hard to do, but it’s extremely important to do, so it’s worth finding a way to do it. I’m sure April would have any number of practical suggestions for a mother of multiple young children to make it work — letting some of the housework go, letting some outside responsibilities go, scheduling sex in advance for certain nights during the week so that you can plan accordingly during the day, etc.

          The dichotomy you have between sex and “a real relationship” probably doesn’t exist for your husband. Actually, I don’t think it exists as far as God is concerned either. Sex IS relationship, whether it feels like it to you at the time or not. I’m sorry your husband has not done a better job of meeting your non-sexual needs, talking with you, helping out around the house, etc. But your current response to his deficiencies is counterproductive. Allowing yourself to feel no connection during sex, believing that sex only meets his needs and not yours, resentment, etc. is most likely going to drive him further away rather than draw him to you. On the other hand, I think it’s likely (not guaranteed, but likely) that if you committed to yourself that you were going to be happily available to him every time he signaled his desire for you for the next x weeks/months, you’d find that he would naturally move toward you in the ways that are meaningful to you. (This is not just a male fantasy; I’ve read numerous accounts from wives that this happened in their marriages.)

          Two further points and I’ll get off my soapbox. First, we’re already starting from behind if we buy into the common thinking that sex is good primarily for the man. It’s also good for the woman, AND it’s also good for the marriage. So when a husband insists or expects the fulfillment of his marital “rights,” he’s actually protecting and furthering the rights and interests of the marriage. The reason God limits sex to marriage isn’t to ruin the fun for all the unmarrieds; it’s to bless marriage. That’s why it’s unacceptable for either partner to defraud (KJV) or deprive the other of (happy) sex.

          Second, as I’ve said in other previous comments, your husband does NOT see you as just a piece of meat — not in general and probably not ever. I understand that you may feel that way sometimes, but that’s because you’ve told yourself that, or allowed yourself to think that, or because that’s what society and even Christian women have told you. But it’s not true, and because it’s not true, it’s not fair to him for you to think it or to act as if it’s true.

          If this sounds too unsympathetic, I’m sorry. But in our society and in our churches generally, the deprived/unsatisfied husband has become a punchline, an accepted fact of life, and something too many husbands are expected to deal with because they aren’t good enough at “relationship” stuff. But the bottom line is: it’s not right, and it’s more important to your husband (by God’s design, not because he’s a brute) than you can probably imagine.

        • peacefulwife
          November 7, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

          Moj,
          Precious girl! I am so sorry you are feeling so disconnected from you husband. I can’t begin to imagine how exhausted you are on a daily basis.

          Something that helped me a lot was to realize that Greg feels connected to me emotionally all the time. I used to only feel connected to him if we were talking often. It helps me to understand that he always loves me and feels connected to me as his “default” setting in our relationship.

          If you haven’t read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, that book helped me understand men and my husband especially more than any other book.

          Another thing that I think may be helpful is to say in a friendly, pleasant tone of voice and with a smile, “Honey, I WANT to be available to you sexually absolutely as much as possible. And I want to be able to be really into it with you and to be able to enjoy you. What can I take off my plate 2-3 days per week so I have enough energy for you? Are there things I can let go of, or things you might be able to help me with so I can be totally available? It would help me SO much if we could talk more during the week. That makes me feel much closer to you.”

          What do you think? :)

          Please let me know how you are doing!

          • moj8668
            November 8, 2013 at 9:12 am #

            I guess I didn’t make it clear that my “babies” are all now 17-22 years of age. And I have read For Women Only. I can go very long stretches of responding to his needs without having my own met. Where we struggle is the tank eventually runs dry and he resents me for being out of resources.

            My hubby is a fantastic man and I love him to pieces. He just doesn’t understand my need for connection. The point I was trying to make was the fact that husbands need to be careful that they aren’t communicating the very message that seems to hurt them when it exists in the minds of their wives. In my case, when I feel like a piece of meat it’s because my husband has shown no appreciation for anything other than my sexuality. It’s not a constant state of being for me any more – hallelujah! – but it does still rear it’s ugly head when hubby becomes so preoccupied with his hobbies/leisure time activities that I go for days without connecting. There are still times in the week that I am forbidden from attempting to infringe upon so we’ve agreed to let him control if and when connection happens.

            • peacefulwife
              November 8, 2013 at 9:25 am #

              moj8668,
              Oh!

              I didn’t get that the kids are all grown. Well, that probably makes things a lot easier! :)

              It is hard for men to understand how VERY DIFFERENT women’s needs are from theirs. Just as hard as it is for us to understand how VERY DIFFERENT their needs are from ours.

              I’m so glad things are going better.

              I’m glad that you are allowing him to decide when to connect – that sounds really good.

              Ideally – both spouses would be stretching and reaching toward understanding and meeting the other’s needs. I’m thankful that you appreciate his needs and desire to meet them. And, I am glad that your husband is such a wonderful man. That is a big help!

              I wonder if you say, “I really miss you” when he is preoccupied – would something like that help?

              Or, if, when he is ready for physical intimacy – is it possible to say, “I really want to be joyfully available to you. I think maybe I could be if we could take some time to emotionally connect first, please.”?

              I pray for wisdom for both of you to be able to experience oneness on every level in a way that fulfills you both and brings great glory and honor to God.

              Much love to you my sister!

      • moj8668
        November 8, 2013 at 9:41 am #

        David –

        After re-reading my own post I realize I did not communicate a couple of things well – first of all, my children are all nearly grown so those demands have eased up a little. Secondly, I do participate enthusiastically and have become more “happily available” as you said. Things between hubby and I have improved but there was a long period of our lives in which that behavior tended to have the exact OPPOSITE effect of the one you mentioned. The more available I was the more he assumed everything was great and he was even less motivated to make any effort to connect.

        What I was trying to say is this – there seems to be an awful lot of blame being handed to the wife in the scenario mentioned in the blog for not understanding her husband needs. Is it possible that he is ignorant of her needs and is accidentally communicating something he does not feel? I just cringe anytime someone tries to place ALL the blame on one partner or the other. Yes, she may be clueless about how powerfully he is impacted by their sexual encounters. But he may be just a clueless about how powerfully she is impacted by connection with him outside the bedroom. Ironically, her misunderstanding of his intentions would be cleared up if they communicated more! You said – “I understand that you may feel that way sometimes, but that’s because you’ve told yourself that, or allowed yourself to think that, or because that’s what society and even Christian women have told you.” All I’m asking you to consider is that maybe, just maybe, a man who never attempts to connect with his wife in any other way may also accidentally be communicating something he has never felt. (Side note – in our ROUGHEST times hubby was never this insensitive but I have walked through tearful times with friends who are experiencing just this type of thing.)

        As you said, sex is a part of real relationship, yes, but not the only factor. My hubby needs sexual connection with me like he needs air to breathe and water to drink. My need to connect with him outside the bedroom is exactly the same.

        I have one question for you just because I don’t want you to assume anything. What do you mean when you say “sex is good for the woman”? I’m assuming you say it’s good for the marriage and the husband because it can decrease the temptation to stray (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong!) but why do you say sex is good for the woman? As for the fact that I don’t feel connected to my husband through sex, that is not a question of whether or not I allow myself to feel that way. It simply is not how I’m wired and I think I’m fairly typical in that. Believe me, I’ve prayed fervently for God to change the way I respond simply because it would have made life so much easier!

        I do not feel that you are on a soapbox at all. Quite frankly, I am enjoying the opportunity to hear a male perspective and have the chance to ask questions. These kinds of discussions with one’s spouse can be fraught with landmines as we try not to attack or get defensive! I do appreciate your thoughts!

        • peacefulwife
          November 8, 2013 at 9:47 am #

          moj8668,

          I only write for wives – so, yes this post is slanted because it is not addressing husbands whatsoever.

          I don’t intend to blame wives – but to empower them to maybe be able to see their husbands’ perspectives a bit better.

          I believe sex is good for husbands and wives – as Gary Thomas says in Sacred Marriage -it is the glue that holds marriage together.

      • moj8668
        November 8, 2013 at 9:59 am #

        Peaceful wife –

        I didn’t mean to imply that you were blaming wives – I think some “pink and blue” thinking has entered the discussion where each gender sees so clearly the fault of the other in the scenario you mentioned that there is an implication that the wife in your scenario should be able to read her man’s mind.

        And I’d love to hear more thoughts on how sex is good for the wife. I know many, many women for whom sex is uncomfortable, even painful. I know still others that feel tempted to stray if there is no emotional or spiritual connection with their spouse but could go weeks with no sex and never once feel tempted to cheat. I’m honestly seeking a new perspective on why it is good for the woman. Does good mean pleasurable? Or does it mean there are benefits for her apart from the physical pleasure?

        I guess my perspective is this – I have lived through those times (in our past) when hubby accidentally communicated to me that the only thing of value was my body. He made little/no effort to connect with me in any other way. I get why wives may feel this way. But I also get that they are wrong. Dead wrong. In my own relationship I’m striving to do what God has called me to do REGARDLESS of how my husband responds. I won’t lie – there are days it is easier than others!

        • peacefulwife
          November 8, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

          moj,

          Absolutely there is pink and blue thinking in this area many times. I love hearing from the husbands because it helps us understand our own husbands better many times.

          Good for the wife can certainly mean pleasure. But it can also mean bonding if we are able to approach it with that attitude. And, there are studies that even say that sex in marriage boosts a woman’s serotonin levels – like an antidepressant.

          Much love!

          • moj8668
            November 8, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

            Okay – this is just me seeking clarity simply because I do not want to assume ANYTHING. When you can say “it can also mean bonding if we are able to approach it with that attitude” are you saying that I should force a change in myself? I’m not naturally wired for sex be a “bonding” activity for me. So much of the discussion surrounding sex seems to imply that there is something inherently wrong with your God-given design if sex is not a bonding experience for you.

            I truly am just seeking clarity on the issue – how can I be the person God created me to be, meet my husband’s need, and not have to fabricate responses to make him happy?!

            • peacefulwife
              November 8, 2013 at 4:41 pm #

              Moj,
              I think it can be possible, if a wife is not dealing with pain or severe scars from abuse or medical issues, for us to focus on the good things about sex with our husbands. Maybe this wouldn’t work for everyone, I don’t know. But, I know God is able to change our minds and hearts and change the way we think about lots of things. Age has done that in my life many times.

              I think it could be interesting to apply Philippians 4:8 to sex with our husbands. Whatever we focus on grows. I know for me, if I focus on things that I don’t like, things I want to change, things that are bad… I am going to see nothing but bad things. I have definitely done that in many areas in the past. But, as God changed my heart and mind, as I focused in the good things in my husband or about a situation and thought about things to be thankful for and things to appreciate, soon, the bad things seemed to shrink and the good things overtook almost my whole field of vision.

              Sometimes, it also helps me to read stories from widows. It really puts things in perspective for me. If I can think about, what if this week or today is my last day with my husband, how do I want to spend that time? What memories do I want to create? That perspective can be very powerful.

              The mind is extremely powerful. We have the ability to use our imagination for great good and healing or for destructive purposes. When we use our thoughts to focus on gratitude, appreciation, blessings and the gifts God has given us, we may find our feelings change.
              Much love!
              April

              • peacefulwife
                November 8, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

                moj,

                Check out this husband’s story. God can change people – He can change their sex drives, too. Something interesting to think and pray about. :)

                For about the first 9 years of our marriage it looked like there was a
                0 percent chance of having anything resembling a healthy sex life. In
                fact, we slept in separate bedrooms for many years. We had four
                children so people assumed we were doing it all the time, but the truth
                is we were extremely efficient when it came to conception.

                My wife was either pregnant or nursing for almost all of those 9 nears,
                so you would think that might have factored into it, but not really.
                She made a point from time to time to tell me that she did not find me
                attractive or my love making satisfying. I would say we actually had
                sex about 4 to 6 times per year, maybe. And most of that was a “let’s
                just get this over with” type of operation.

                For several reasons, I never considered leaving her over it. For those
                same reasons I wasn’t going to have an affair. I also didn’t really see
                the point in trying for force my wife or guilt her into doing it.
                There’s nothing satisfying about making love to someone who clearly
                doesn’t want to be there.

                So I just prayed about it to the Lord. That doesn’t mean I complained
                to the Lord about my wife. It means I prayed positive statements of
                faith over our love making. I said things like, “Thank you Lord that my
                wife finds me attractive and cannot keep her hands off of me in the
                name of Jesus.”

                From there I just basically tried to stay in the Lord’s rest. I had
                tried and failed with my wife, so there was nothing left to do but put
                it the Lord’s hands and stay positive. I complimented my wife on how
                she looked. When she said she felt guilty about not wanting to have
                sex, I didn’t use that as an opportunity to apply pressure. I would say
                that I was just grateful that she let (touch her sometimes). I would make statements about our marathon love making
                sessions or outfits that she could incorporate into our love making.
                They were jokes and taken as such, but it at least made the subject of
                lovemaking sort of fun instead of contentious.

                Quite honestly, after a little while I didn’t think about it all that
                much. I continued my positive faith statements about our marriage and
                love making, but I have no idea how long I did it because I wasn’t
                really keeping track. My relationship with the Lord was really growing
                during that period and that was more than enough to satisfy me.

                Then all of a sudden one day, literally out of nowhere, my wife, for
                lack of a better word, “snapped” in a positive way. She surprised me by
                changing her last name to mine, something she had refused to do for
                nine years. Told me how much she appreciated me, and got really, really
                interested in having sex.

                Now my wife finds me extremely attractive and cannot keep her hands off
                of me. She thinks about having sex with me all day. She buys outfits to
                incorporate into our love making. She sends me sexy texts. She has to
                try really, really hard not to harass me constantly.

                It had to be God. Because I am basically the exact same guy I have been
                for these past nine years. I had started lifting weights, and she goes
                on and on about how great I look, but no one else has ever once
                commented that they could tell I have been lifting weights. God just
                zapped her. After nine years we have finally entered the honeymoon
                period of our marriage.

                • peacefulwife
                  November 8, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

                  moj,
                  no need to put God or ourselves in a box. :)

              • peacefulwife
                November 8, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

                Oh!

                Another thing to consider –

                Talk to some wives who have been rejected a couple hundred – or a few thousand times sexually by their husbands. That is an extremely painful position to be in. It can kind of help a wife to begin to see that maybe being sexually desired might actually be a blessing.

    • MARIE
      April 10, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

      Joseph,

      this is a big revelation for me, how that there are really a lot of wives out there that have Stilettoed their husbands’ jujube dolls. It is heartbreaking. Manflu? Seriously?

      I know I have seen what they’re doing on the shows and what not, making men look like incurable idiots or bumbling blockheads! I remember back in the 90’s, that guy Al Bundy and his so-called family; I knew something sinister was afoot. I am very careful about using a “This person did this because that person did that” structure, but I can definitely say that for all the times I’ve observed what seems to be a rise in overt misogyny in our society today, I must also factor in the deep hurt and alienation that many men have been silently carrying–much in response to the treatment of their own wives.

      The bible says in Peter that marriage is “The grace of life”; it alarms me as a young woman considering marriage prospects that too often, it’s more like the grate of life! I’ve had gripes about men with the whole, “Men are not always right but we are never wrong” mentality and what not, but this is valuable information from the male perspective. I believe there is a one-to-one correlation between wives who are tearing down their homes and the absolute EXPLOSION of all of these alternative lifestyles that all serve to discard marriage and prioritize individual lusts. From where I sit, we have a crisis of men and women just giving up even dealing with each other–I WAS THERE, just by what I’d witnessed from men. But I have been slowly coming back around as I am reminded of 1st Corinthians 11 where it says woman was made for man and that man is the glory of God and elsewhere when it tells me that my ministry to my husband is a giant part of my worship to the Lord.

      When I was growning up, I used to see more several older men who’d been married like 30, 40, 50 years, and whenever young men would adk them for marriage advice, time and time again I saw them say, “Listen to your wife”. What that meant to me is what Proverbs 31 said when it talks about her husband’s heart “safely trusts in her” and hiw when wives follow God’s script, the husband grows into this person who is capable of some pretty amazing things. Today? I’m sad to observe that there are probably not as many husbands who can safely trust and pass on to the young bucks, “Listen to your wife” she has to earn that because it’s a big thing for a man to let his guard down.

      • Aisling
        November 19, 2013 at 3:21 am #

        If the wife feels disrespected by her husband, the he should just stop what he’s doing. It’s that simple. I got tired reading the article and some of the comments..why complicate such things?

        • peacefulwife
          November 19, 2013 at 6:45 am #

          Aisling,

          There is definitely plenty of room for husbands to improve, too.

          I am only writing for wives and focusing on what wives can change and what we can do in these situations – but it would be ideal if husbands would be sensitive to their wives’ needs. Absolutely.

  19. Groped Out
    April 19, 2013 at 2:34 pm #

    Ok, I have read almost everything here. I want to point out that when you (a wife – and I mean me) have asked your husband (meaning my husband) to not do (XYZ) while I’m trying to (ABC) or in front of the children (because I do not want them to think it is appropriate behavior in “public”).

    What I prefer is to be talked to about sex, touched in our bedroom (yes even groped in the bedroom), etc. In company, I prefer to be kissed, hugged with affection (not the will to feel my breasts pushed against his body), etc. I am more than happy to oblige sexual advances when I haven’t had my breasts “tweaked” throughout the day. Especially since I have breastfed our children. I also don’t want every word of rebuttal in relationship to my conversation to be a sexual innuendo.

    I want to be a submissive wife, but I also think that this is not Christian behavior. Is this how Christ loved the church? By being disrespectful? Did Christ grope the church (either the verb or noun definition of the word grope)? I don’t think so.

    I found this page because I was looking for answers to a problem I have, and apparently, other women do too. I’m sad to see women attacking each other. I do submit to my husband’s sexual desires, even at the sake of my own feelings and wants and needs. Even if we did have sex several times a day, the groping would continue (because we have done this before).

    • peacefulwife
      April 19, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

      Groped Out,

      I can certainly appreciate your desire to keep many things in the bedroom and private – not in front of the children or in public. That doesn’t sound like an unreasonable request.

      What does your husband say when you ask him politely to save certain things for your private time?

      How often is this happening? How old are your children?

      I am assuming you are both believers in Christ?

      What were things like before marriage and in the beginning of your marriage?

      It’s wonderful to meet you! I hope we can hash through this and try to find an agreeable solution and compromise for you in this situation so that you both will feel respected.

      • Groped Out
        August 31, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

        Peaceful Wife,

        Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

        In answer to your questions :
        – my husband listens, but he does not follow through on his claims,
        – this happens several times a day (he currently is out of work and has been for over a year),
        – we have 3 children, a 2 yr old boy, a 6 yr old boy, and a 12 year old girl,
        – we are both believers in Christ, though I feel we are unequally yoked (though this was not the case prior to marriage); I have grown in my faith so much in the past year and my husband doesn’t even open his Bible or he falls asleep during Sunday school and church,
        – things have changed greatly since we got married; since we have been together he has had an emotional affair on 3 occassions with his ex-fiancee even professing love to her and exchanging pictures with her.

        I am praying that God will help my husband become the head of our household, our spiritual leader. I am also praying that God will work on me to be a submissive wife.

        I feel that in some instances that some husbands do only flirt or grope or give compliments in order to get what they want sexually and I do believe this is due to sexual sin.. perhaps generational curses too. I feel this is part of my husband’s problem and that he believes (while he may not say it) that he can do whatever he wants and does not have to worry about the consequences. The reason I say that is due to his actions on sinful things and his inaction on rightful things.

        I feel doomed in this relationship because I (due to my own feelings) feel that my husbands affairs with this woman is really what he wants. He even defended her when I sent an email to her emploring her to leave us alone and she repliied in a very ugly manner. She is also married and a “Christian.” I guess that is part of the reason I feel that being groped by my husband is just for sex.

        I feel I am rambling on… I apologize for that. I really do want to be a peaceful, loving, and submissive wife. I have been before… what now?

        By the way, I am sorry for the husbands whose wives do not have sex with you for whatever the reason may be. I do feel that sometimes there may be an underlying health problem that perhaps a person may be in denial about or embarrassed about.

        Blessings to all,
        Heather

        • peacefulwife
          September 2, 2013 at 8:34 am #

          Groped Out,

          I wrote a long response to you – but realized I was so exhausted – it may not have made any sense!

          So … things are still basically the same with the groping?

          Have you found any ways you can respond in a positive, receptive way to him when you are alone?

          My prayer is that when you begin to feel doomed, you may be able to look to Christ in faith and depend on Him to work in your heart and your husband’s heart for His glory.

          How long ago was the emotional affair stuff?

          What do you respect about your husband lately?

          Sending you a HUGE HUG, my precious sister!!!!!!! :)

  20. Anonymous3
    May 2, 2013 at 8:54 am #

    What if you really feel like a lot of his desires are selfish? My husband is not a christian. We’ve been married 14 years and recently, our relationnship has been really struggling. He’s been very unkind and has been verbally abusive and then turns around and wants sex like nothing’s happened. It has made me resent him and sex. I am so emotionally detached from him right now. At the same time that this is going on he is wanting to have sex more and wanting to have sex when I least enjoy it(morning). I’ve always told him when he does things sexually that I don’t like and he’s been trying to do those things now because HE enjoys them. My interpretation of all of this is that I AM just a piece of meat and my body is here for whatever and whenever he wants. We have recently started marriage counseling and he started going to church with me. The counseling started getting personal and he refuses to go back and to church. He knows he’s been out of line and is working on his anger but its hard to erase all that and flip a switch. I don’t know how to emotionally connect with him now. Prayers and advice please.

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 9:38 am #

      Anonymous3

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      I have good news and bad news.

      The good news is that your husband was starting to come to church with you!!!! THAT deserved a lot of your praise and admiration.

      The bad news is – if he is not a believer in Christ, it is going to all fall on you to be the godly example. You cannot expect him to act like Jesus because he is spiritually dead. I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s assignment for you – being silent about spiritual things and God and church, and showing him your faith by your respect and joyful attitude in your faith in Christ. ANd having so much faith in our sovereign God that you don’t freak out when things don’t go your way, but you have a gentle and peaceful spirit because all your faith and trust is in Jesus alone.

      You can ask for what you want. YOu can say, “I really want to have sex with you, too. It would help me be into it if we could have some time to talk and emotionally connect for 15 minutes/day.”

      or, “I want to be able to joyfully give myself to you. But I am hurting from what you said about X.” Then he can decide if he wants to apologize and make up emotionally so that you can be ready for sex.

      Morning is tough for a lot of women, we are not awake and it is hard for us to get going right away. That is the time men have the highest levels of testosterone, usually. So if you can try to be into it – that is a huge gift and SEX IS a HUGE way that your husband emotionally connects with you.

      Check out this post
      about how much more effective we are if we don’t use a lot of words about spiritual things.

      And check out some of these posts about men and emotions. Over and over husbands have written to me that sex = emotional connection for them. And when they feel rejected, they feel completely rejected as men, not just sexually rejected. (There are about 5 posts on men and emotions around that same week you may want to read them all.)

      YOu have a HUGE HUGE amount of power here. When he is unkind and hateful towards you verbally.

      Say simply, “That hurts.” “Ouch.”
      Or move away and stay physically away until he apologizes.
      When he approaches you for sex, say, “I’m still upset.” just those few words should be enough for him to realize that he owes you an apology.

      Use that time if you do move away from him for awhile to pray for him and ask God how you can bless him. Read Romans 12!!! That is God’s instructions to you in a situation like this.

      Be sure you are not clinging to resentment, bitterness and anger. That is sin. YOu won’t have God’s power working in you if you are cherishing sin in your heart. Believe me, I learned that the hard way!

      Check out my brother’s post “When My Spouse is Wrong”

      PRAISE HIM and tell him the things you do admire about him.

      Apply Philippians 4:8 to your marriage and husband. Concentrate on the good things.

      Be sure not to look down on him spiritually, we are all on equal footing at the cross.

      Check out some of the comments on this post about feeling like a piece of meat by the men. Some are VERY helpful!

      Let me know if you want to talk more! I’m here. :)

  21. Single Christian
    May 20, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    Great article. By and large, masculine romantic love is jealous and expressed sexually. God doesn’t have a problem with this, since He designed men thus (and even speaks of Himself as a jealous Husband, who desires His wife — and also describes the worship of false gods and idols as sexual unfaithfulness). …Unfortunately, modern society, having been reprogrammed by years of feminist agit-prop, does have a problem with the way God made men.

    And sadly feminist thinking is now endemic in the churches, too (hence the lamentable and unbiblical treatment of the commenter above by a “Christian counsellor”). There is so much misinformation and bad advice in Christian circles about men, women, sex and marriage, that a site like this is much needed. I wish you all the best with it.

    God bless.

    • peacefulwife
      May 21, 2013 at 8:36 am #

      Single Christian,
      Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your description of God’s love for His people – and the way God describes idolatry as adultery. There is some VIVID language in the old testament about that.

      Yes- feminism (which, at its core, is heresy – insisting there is no God, or God is a woman, and the Bible has no authority, and seeks to undermine all God-given authority), has poisoned our entire culture and churches to the point that marriage, femininity, masculinity, family, parenting, womanhood and manhood have been completely redefined to our great detriment.

      It is my prayer that God might use me and others to tear down the lies of our culture in the church and to rebuild these crucial concepts on the truth of God’s Word alone – and that God might restore us as believers to right relationship with Him and to right relationship to one another for His great glory and praise.

      I have a site for single women, too – you are welcome to check it out. http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com

  22. Mr. Incredible
    May 31, 2013 at 10:06 am #

    I think it really boils down to understanding the man’s motive, and not projecting some other motive onto their actions. He wants you, he wants to claim you physically as his mate, he wants to make you writhe in pleasure, you are not a ‘piece of meat’, you are the desire of his heart and that is how it should be.

  23. B
    July 19, 2013 at 9:45 am #

    Sounds like some husbands need to read 1 Corinthians 13:5. Love is not supposed to be rude. If groping feels rude to a wfe then he should change it. Just a simple thing :)

  24. Becoming Through Christ
    September 13, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

    Wow, Thankful Husband and HopingToBeThankfulSomeday Husband, I was reallly touched by your comments regarding the way sex with your wives makes you feel and also the hurt you feel when your advances are rejected. I have heard the same idea about men needing sex many times, but I have never heard it articulated quite so articulately and honestly. If my husband had expained things to me in this way I would have opened to him like a flower, instead of resenting his advances towards me as I have many times… It hurts me to think that I have been guilty of hurting my husband in this way.

    However, as a woman I can also totally understand the idea of feeling like a piece of meat. It’s not the act of wanting sex that is an issue, but he fact that many men still want to have sex when the emotional connection isn’t as as strong as it should be. When my husband hasn’t had a meaningful conversion with me in days, hasn’t really taken me anywhere in weeks or spent any quality time with me,and then comes to me for sex? Umm, no. I am feeling like a piece of meat because he is treating me that way. Regardless of his real motives, my interpretation is based upon what I see and feel, and if I don’t feel loved, then I don’t want to have sex with him.

    I don’t think it’s fair to women to expect us to ignore our own feelings and be ready at a moment’s notice to have sex just because our husband’s want it. I’m not a porn star, so my enjoyment of sex is directly linked to my emotional attachment my husband at the time. If I’m not feeling nurtured and connected, I’m not going to like having sex. When he ignores my feelings but still comes to me for sex, then he is treating me like an object, not a woman who he loves.

    This issue is multi faceted, and the idea of “just doing it” in spite of feeling emotionally disconnected is not fair nor healthy for the woman who is feeling neglected. If a woman is FEELING a certain way, my assumption is that there is some validity to the claim. I think that this issue definately needs to be explored further, because the tone of the article does seem to be a bit dismissive towards the feelings of the woman in question.

    • peacefulwife
      September 13, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

      Becoming Through Christ,

      I agree that Thankful Husband and HopingToBeThankfulSomeday Husband did a really great job of articulating how important a sexual connection is to many husbands – and how it can also be such an important way for them to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to their wives. I wish every wife had a chance to read what they wrote.

      I don’t believe that I ask women to ignore their feelings. It is fine to ask for what we want and need! Absolutely. I have no problem at all with a woman saying,
      – “Honey, I really want to be available to you tonight. Could we spend about 20 minutes talking so I can feel emotionally connected, please? That would really help me be ready to be with you sexually.”
      – “Honey, I want to be available to you. I am feeling really overwhelmed with all I still need to do before bed tonight. Would you please put the kids to bed, that would be great. Then I should have time and energy for you. I can’t wait!”
      – “I have been feeling really lonely, lately. Would you be able to just cuddle with me for awhile so I can feel emotionally closer to you first, please?”
      – “When you said X the other day, it really hurt my feelings. I want to be available to you, but I am still feeling upset. Could we talk about that issue and have peace and reconciliation first, please?”

      Yes, the issue is definitely multi-faceted. It would probably take more than a whole book to cover all the possible problems that could arise. There are many reasons why wives may not be responding to their husbands sexually. If there are medical reasons, I encourage wives to talk to their OB/GYN. If there are relationship issues, I would encourage wives to seek to respectfully address those with their husbands or seek godly counsel. Of course, if trust has been broken, it would have to be rebuilt. That would take time and possibly godly counseling for both spouses. Let’s seek help and healing for the problems so that we can fulfill our marital duty to our husbands.

      Our feelings as wives are definitely important. It is not my intention to minimize women’s feelings. I think there is also room for our husbands’ feelings to be equally important, as well.

      I believe there can be times when we can make decisions to be available to our husbands even though we may not “feel like it.” That is something that mature, agape love is able to do – give selflessly. We can choose to bless our husbands in this amazing way – and we may just find that our feelings and emotions change for the better in the process. While feelings are important, I don’t believe they should be the sole basis of our decisions – whether in being available sexually to our husbands, forgiving other people, repaying evil with good, tithing, blessing those who persecute us, walking in humility instead of pride, etc. Many of the things Christ asks us to do involve us “dying to self”. Feelings are helpful, they can tell us that there may be a problem that needs addressing. There are times when, as believers in Christ, we have the power available through God’s Spirit to lay aside our feelings and bless and benefit others. I believe it will require each wife being sensitive to God’s Spirit to know when to address issues and when to lay aside self and bless our husbands.

      My primary concern is that we are mindful of scripture and that we are protecting our marriages – even more so than we are mindful of our own feelings – that we seek to honor God and please Him and that we desire to cultivate a general spirit of availability to our husbands. There are times that just isn’t going to be possible I certainly understand that. Of course, no one answers to me! We will all answer to God. But if overall, we can aim for an attitude of joyful and cheerful availability (unless there is infidelity or some extremely serious situation going on), I believe that can greatly strengthen our marriages.

      I appreciate your comments and your concerns. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!

      I Corinthians 7
      3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.

  25. carol
    October 6, 2013 at 9:27 pm #

    There was a comment earlier on, and I’m not sure who wrote it, but it says that women are not happy with the way God created men….
    Actually, I love the way God created man….but you can just play the “God created me to be loved this way” and then forget about everything else He created man to be.
    The Bible clearly emphasizes the natural order of things in marriage and family as we fall under the headship of Christ.
    Ephesians clearly states that the love a husband shows his wife will determine her reaction to him and to Christ. He has the power to cleanse her “thru the washing” of the word…oh, but that’s not as much fun as sex now, is it!!!
    The passage actually says that the man who loves his wife loves himself.
    So, what do we make of this….we try and manipulate our men because they need to experience acceptance before they can do what God has called them to do? WHAT?????
    Listen, God has definitely worked on me in recent years, convicting me of so many sins towards my husband. I have confessed and asked for forgiveness…..but I have to say that for all the many years that I gave my husband my body, believing with all my heart that the scriptures called me to do this on demand because “he needs it” and is entitled to it, there was always something missing. Some higher spiritual connection that was never achieved – but a sense of being used was overwhelming.
    So, we can choose to keep living a mediocre marriage, where you give, he takes because the scripture “says so” (and I put that in quotes, because that’s not actually what scripture says!), just to get by, or you can let the floor fall out, and stop trying to manipulate our husbands to love the way Christ calls them to and start addressing the sin behind the attitudes.
    When my husband is embittered and walks around in his own little bitter world because he hasn’t “had any”, snapping at me, looking for the worst in me and pointing it out, barking at the kids, that’s when you know that he has made sex and idol. It’s idolatry. plain and simple.
    And when I react to that by being disrespectful to him – that’s also idolatry, ’cause I’ve placed his attitude towards me as something that determines whether or not I do what the word of God tells me to do.
    You know, I always tell my kids that being tired is not an excuse for being unkind or grumpy, or whatever….well, the same goes for sex. Not getting any is no excuse for not doing what the Lord has called us to do in our marriages. And not getting the love we long for from our husbands is not an excuse to be disrespectful or unloving…..but nowhere in scripture is LOVE defined as anything but what 1 Corinthians 13 says about it. I don’t see sex in there.

    If you read thru the scriptures on marital, sexual intimacy, there is an order to how things are done. Let’s not put the “science” of it ahead of what God says in his word about it.
    God held Adam accountable for Eve’s sin. Eve was also held accountable, but Adam was doubly accountable. That means that He was responsible for where she was at in her spiritual growth. How many men that say they need sex in order to love their wives also consider themselves responsible for their wives spiritual nourishment.
    seems to me we pick and choose what we like, don’t we!

    • David J.
      October 6, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

      @Carol: “Ephesians clearly states that the love a husband shows his wife will determine her reaction to him and to Christ. He has the power to cleanse her “thru the washing” of the word…oh, but that’s not as much fun as sex now, is it!!!”

      April will be more gracious about this, but . . . this is nonsense, and Ephesians does not remotely say this. The love a husband shows his wife will (hopefully) influence her reaction to him, but it will not determine it. This is obvious from the Ephesians passage itself. Christ loves the Church perfectly — better than the most perfect husband in the world could ever love any woman. By your logic, that would mean that the none of us who make up the Church would ever sin against Him, because His perfect love would “determine” that our response would be perfect. But in fact we sin against Him all the time. (Just as Adam and Eve sinned against God, though they had no predisposition to sin and were loved perfectly by God.) By extension, it’s just not possible for a human husband to “determine” his wife’s reaction to him, and certainly not to love her so well that she will always respond appropriately to him.

      I’m sorry about your struggles with your husband and his sins against you, and I don’t excuse them. But if I understand you correctly, you (sometimes) withhold sex from him because you’re not happy with him, you know he will react negatively to this, you judge him for allowing your actions to affect his disposition (though this is the same thing that you have allowed to happen to you), and you hold him ultimately responsible for your sin because you believe that your behavior is determined by how well he loves you and washes you with the word. The circular reasoning is that if he loved you right, you’d always be willing to have sex with him, and if you’re not interested in having sex with him, that proves that he hasn’t loved you well enough. You have him in a total no-win situation. You and he both are guaranteed to stay miserable.

      • carol
        October 7, 2013 at 8:36 am #

        You’re actually NOT understanding me correctly – and I REALLY do need to clear this up.
        I don’t WITHHOLD sex from him. He has free reign over my body. I’ve made it very clear to him. The issue is that when there is no honoring or cherishing or pursuit of the relationship (which are all biblical principles regarding the husband’s responsibilities in marriage), then we are not emotionally, or spiritually connected….Neither one of us want this kind of just sex. Both of us want something much deeper.
        Sex is not love. Love is clearly defined in 1 Cor. 13. The sex life is a barometer for the love in the marriage.
        My post clearly shows that the Lord has done and is continuing to work on me in very humbling and convicting ways. I have had to go to the Lord and go to my husband and ask for forgiveness for my disrespect and lack of 1 Cor. 13 love……and the Lord has given me deep joy and peace because I am once again in right standing with my God…..but when you’ve done all that God has revealed you should do and still your husband makes sex his idol – you’re right, someone is bound to stay miserable. I can tell you that everyday I’m turning to the Lord for my joy….but my husband is living in misery, because he has decided that sex is the be all and end all and there is no 1 Cors love to be given if he isn’t getting his tank full of sex…..but he doesn’t want it on the terms that are clearly consequences of choices he is making.
        There are marriages that ARE miserable…..and it’s not hard to imagine that sometimes, there is clearly ONE person who is not obeying God. No one is perfect. But when you see the husband that you are trying to biblically love clearly making some sinful choices, it’s also not right to say it’s the wife’s fault or even that if she loves “right” she can turn this around. It’s not that simple. The Father loves us “right” and loves us “perfect” but everyday we chose to go our own sinful ways.
        I haven’t been distracted from MY responsibilities as a wife – let’s be clear on that.
        Do you suggest that I pretend to want sex when my husband goes around barking at me all day long and tearing me down?
        If he asks me – and if he leaves it up to me, I will tell him that our emotional connection is non-existent, so no, I don’t really want to give my body, but I will. If that’s what he requires.

    • peacefulwife
      October 7, 2013 at 6:22 am #

      Carol,

      It’s wonderful to hear from you!

      What I see in Ephesians 5 is that God’s commands to husbands and God’s commands to wives are not dependent upon each other. It is not, “Wives must respect and submit to your husbands IF your husband deserves it or is loving you as you believe he should.” And it is not “Husbands must love your wives if your wives are respecting you and honoring your leadership.” It is also not, “Wives must make your husbands love you” or “Husbands must force your wives to respect you” – thankfully.

      God holds us accountable for obeying the commands He gives to us as wives. I don’t address husbands in my blog – I only write for women. To be sure, they have many more responsibilities than wives do. I completely agree.

      In the passage in I Corinthians 7, Paul tells husbands and wives not to withhold themselves sexually from each other because of sexual immorality and to help each spouse avoid temptation.

      What I would like to see wives do is to extend grace to our husbands. When we focus on what God commands us to do – that is our power! Yes, there can be times we must gently, respectfully, carefully confront sin in our husbands, especially if they are believers in Christ.

      But there are also MANY, MANY times that our obedience and faithfulness to God and our approaching our husbands with the power of God’s Spirit will minister to our husbands in ways that nothing else ever could.

      Each person will stand accountable to God for what we have thought, said and done. God counts what I do for my husband as if I am doing it for Him. My respect or disrespect, my grace or lack of grace, my honoring my husband’s leadership or usurping it, my repaying good for evil and extending mercy – God desires me to obey Him no matter what my husband is or is not doing. I want to be found faithful in God’s eyes and to please my Lord – that He might say to me, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” – not by any goodness in my own hart – for there is none – but by the power of God’s Spirit flowing through me.

      • carol
        October 7, 2013 at 10:04 am #

        kudos. I want the same.
        Did you notice that I said that in my post? God has taken me to task on what I say I want to do and what I actually do….I have spent some time confessing and repentant both with God and my husband…..not to manipulate him to change his ways with me, but because God is refining me and creating a pure heart. To be quite honest, I have found deep joy in the Lord and he has been my strength and encouragement in being a loving wife as defined by 1 corths….nope, I’m not perfect and every now and then I do get my feathers ruffled…..when I wrote the first post, I was having one of those nights.
        But I think sometimes we assume that doing everything God calls us to means that every piece of the puzzle will fall into place and life will be on it’s way to being wonderful.
        That’s a fallacy. If you build your house on the rock, the storm is sure to come. The Rock will be your firm foundation and security, but you may have to sit, exposed to the storm and the elements for a very, very, long time…..maybe even until Jesus takes you home.
        Our north American Christian culture, has inadvertently supported the idea that if you build your house on the rock, the storms won’t come……so we think that if we do everything right, then the stars will line up, and that’s just not biblical. I cannot control the way my husband lives out his walk with the Lord. I can encourage, love and be what God calls me to be, but I need to realize that no matter how respectful I am of him, he may never change.
        That’s when having a firm foundation on Christ is so important.
        I will continue to strive to be everything God wants me to be and calls me to be. Not so I can manipulate how my husband reacts to me, but so that my Father can say, that “yeah, that was well done, my faithful and good servant!”

        • peacefulwife
          October 7, 2013 at 10:19 am #

          Carol,
          Amen! Amen! :)

          You are absolutely right. The storms will come. Your husband may never change. The question is – will we still seek to be faithful and obedient to Christ, knowing He will reward us in heaven?

          I’m so glad that you are seeking Him no matter what results you are seeing at the moment here, and no matter what your circumstances.

          May God richly bless your walk with Him. :)

    • Joseph Riani
      October 7, 2013 at 8:32 pm #

      Carol you sound a little bitter yourself there. How was Adam held doubly responsible? From the sounds of it, Eve got dealt the more severe punishment. Or maybe being made Eve’s “master” Adam’s punishment was worse. I don’t know, but to be quite honest they both got it pretty bad. I don’t think I would go around saying one has it worse than the other. If Adam was responsible for Eve spirit then I don’t think God would have punished her for Adam’s failure. Sin is a free will choice to reject God. It is not an ignorant decision.

      • peacefulwife
        October 8, 2013 at 11:54 am #

        Joseph,

        Adam and Eve both did get punished – both were held accountable for sin. And we are all still experiencing that punishment today. God did speak to Adam as the one who was ultimately responsible. But I don’t believe he was punished for Eve’s sin, but for his own.

        In my experience – when men or women sound bitter – it is often the result of many years of excruciating pain.

        Carol,

        My heart goes out to you – I can definitely feel your pain. I’m always glad to hear from you! You may email me if you ever would like to. aprilc@sc.rr.com
        :)

  26. Star
    October 15, 2013 at 11:37 am #

    Your response seemed a little dismissive of her feelings. You don’t know if she has been sexually abused in the past or how expicit her husbands comments might have been. She was asking for advise on how to tell him how she feels, not changing her prospective. For all you know he could be extremely forceful (violent even) or use foul language that offends her (which could be what she means by feeling like a “piece of meat”), but instead of thinking of all the possible reasons of her feelings or the situation, it seems like you just assume she’s friget and basically told her that she should “get over it” and to accept it.

    • peacefulwife
      October 15, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

      Star,

      Thank you for your perspective and for your willingness to share your thoughts. :)

      I believe you are speaking about the wife who wrote to me – whose email I partially quoted, am I correct?

      This wife and I have had several long conversations. So I was aware that the situation did not involve abuse or foul language. It is not at all my intention to be dismissive of any wife’s feelings. Our feelings are important – and we do need to effectively share our needs, desires and concerns with our husbands, I absolutely agree with you.

      I do want to be careful not to elevate feelings above our responsibility to obey God’s Word. But – feelings are important and I long for each wife to be able to communicate her feelings well with her husband.

      She actually responded in the comments, you are welcome to read her remarks.

      I hope that helps to clarify a bit. If you still have concerns, please let me know! :)

      • peacefulwife
        October 15, 2013 at 12:17 pm #

        Star,
        I hope you will also see that at the bottom of the post, I did give this wife suggestions about how to share her feelings.

        My premise for my answers is primarily I Corinthians 7.

        Thank you! :)

  27. Dennis Miller
    November 14, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

    I realize this thread has been dormant for some time, but if I may I’d like to share something my wife and I have discussed many times.
    In regard to women feeling like “a piece of meat”, and men being rude, inconsiderate pigs, I wholeheartedly believe that the media plays a huge part. I believe that even though men are created as not-so-refined beings, that we truly do care about our partners. However, when, as a little boy from early on up you see the movies and the tv and all the people older than you ( your heroes ) treating women as ” a piece of meat “, it becomes engrained in you. You start to think that the high school football star that can pick any girl out of the bunch and do whatever he want with said girl, is cool. We like to be cool. Brad Pitt can fool around with numerous female characters on the same movie and women go crazy over him. George clooney has had more girlfriends than pairs of socks that I’ve owned and every girl in the world would go with him in a second. We as men see that and subconsciously we start to mold ourselves that way.
    On the flip side women ( this coming from what my wife says ) from little on up over hear things like ” all he ever wants to do is have sex!!”, and “can’t you for one time keep your hands off me?”. We start from an early age to think that this is normal, and the way it should be.
    Both outlooks are completely wrong and unscriptural, yet we continue to allow this trash to come into our homes. Even as grown men we see these movies and since it’s the way we’ve been “trained” we think “well why can’t I?” The woman sees this stunningly good looking man with Herculean type body and charm aplenty that swoons and pampers and thinks “why can’t he?” If you’re a man and you happen to get into porn, which many teens are heavily involved in these days it makes it worse. I don’t comment here to offer a solution other than to realize where some of our issues may be stemming from, and to ask that we consider this in the lives of our children.

  28. Dennis Miller
    November 14, 2013 at 7:38 pm #

    I realize this thread has been dormant for some time, but if I may I’d like to share something my wife and I have discussed many times.
    In regard to women feeling like “a piece of meat”, and men being rude, inconsiderate pigs, I wholeheartedly believe that the media plays a huge part. I believe that even though men are created as not-so-refined beings, that we truly do care about our partners. However, when, as a little boy from early on up you see the movies and the tv and all the people older than you ( your heroes ) treating women as ” a piece of meat “, it becomes engrained in you. You start to think that the high school football star that can pick any girl out of the bunch and do whatever he want with said girl, is cool. We like to be cool. Brad Pitt can fool around with numerous female characters on the same movie and women go crazy over him. George clooney has had more girlfriends than pairs of socks that I’ve owned and every girl in the world would go with him in a second. We as men see that and subconsciously we start to mold ourselves that way.
    On the flip side women ( this coming from what my wife says ) from little on up over hear things like ” all he ever wants to do is have sex!!”, and “can’t you for one time keep your hands off me?”. We start from an early age to think that this is normal, and the way it should be.
    Both outlooks are completely wrong and unscriptural, yet we continue to allow this trash to come into our homes. Even as grown men we see these movies and since it’s the way we’ve been “trained” we think “well why can’t I?” The woman sees this stunningly good looking man with Herculean type body and charm aplenty that swoons and pampers and thinks “why can’t he?” If you’re a man and you happen to get into porn, which many teens are heavily involved in these days it makes it worse. I don’t comment here to offer a solution other than to realize where some of our issues may be stemming from, and to ask that we consider this in the lives of our children.

    • peacefulwife
      November 14, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

      Dennis,
      Thanks for sharing your insights. :)

  29. TeresaR
    January 19, 2014 at 6:16 pm #

    Do you believe any acts are off limits in marriage? For example, some churches teach that oral/anal sex are sinful.

    • peacefulwife
      January 19, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

      TheresaR,

      I don’t know of scripture that prohibits those things in marriage. That will be something for couples to decide for themselves, in my understanding.

      • peacefulwife
        February 1, 2014 at 3:36 pm #

        Malloy,

        Thank you for your comment. :) Many people hold this conviction.

        I am certainly not an expert not this topic, but am unaware of a specific prohibition in marriage. However, I realize that many people have very strong convictions about this issue. I am confident God will give couples His wisdom as they seek Him.

  30. peacefulwife
    February 2, 2014 at 1:54 pm #

    My apologies, all.

    I’d rather not have such detailed discussions here in mixed company. Thanks for understanding. :)

  31. peacefulwife
    February 5, 2014 at 2:50 pm #

    There are two more stories I would like to include in my book – planning to send to editing this week! I’d love to have two husbands’ perspectives about how wives can respect their husbands sexually.

    I’d like one husband’s story who has felt disrespected, smothered and too pressured by his wife to have sex and how painful that was for him and how a wife could bless her husband in such a situation. And I’d like one husband’s story who felt rejected often by his wife and how painful that has been from his perspective and how a wife could bless a husband in this situation.

    I’d like something between 250-1000 words (more if you would like) – not too explicit with the sexual details, please! I want to focus more on the respect and emotional and spiritual aspect of these scenarios.

    Thank you so much!

    I’d like to have the stories this week, please.

  32. Hopefulwife
    February 7, 2014 at 8:57 pm #

    I am in need of some advice. I have been feeling like a piece of meat for sometime. My husband works away sometimes, but when he is home he wants sex every night. It has gotten to the point of now after having sex he will want it again and will please himself. I was getting extremely uncomfortable with this and finally spoke up.

    Porn has been an issue in the past and with this apparent increase in his sex drive I was concerned that it would lead him to seeking out porn again.

    When I voiced my concerns to my husband his immediate reaction was to say he would surprises his sex drive and we will only have sex once in a while. This is a normal reaction from him, anytime I bring up something sex related that he doesn’t like he will immediately respond with “we won’t have sex again as it just leads to arguments”. It ends with me begging him and telling him how important it is for the relationship. It has gotten to the point where I won’t voice any concerns because I don’t want to upset him or make him angry. I assume his reaction is a power play, but I can’t ignore it. I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t know what to do.

    Peacefulwife, how do I approach this situation? We have been married 4 short years and they have been quite tumultuous.

    • peacefulwife
      February 8, 2014 at 6:19 am #

      Hopefulwife,

      Well, I Corinthians 7:1-5 does address this issue to a degree – that spouses are to be available to each other to meet each other’s sexual needs and not withhold sex from one another.

      Is he on any medications? Has he been using porn again? Is he taking supplements of any kind?

      Is he compulsively masturbating many times per day? I am aware of some men who are so addicted to porn and compulsive masturbation that they do it all throughout the day and even stop during work to take breaks to do this in the restroom. It can become quite an addiction.

      I think it is important to let him know you are on his team and that you want to meet his sexual desires and that you don’t look down on him but that you want sex to be a wonderful bonding experience between both of you. Is it possible for you to initiate sometimes when he is home?

      You may want to check out the e-book that Brent Riggs has about porn addiction at his site http://www.brentriggs.com – under the “books” section.

      Praying for wisdom for you both!

  33. John
    March 22, 2014 at 12:20 pm #

    My wife told me she felt this way one day right after sex… I don’t think anything has ever hurt so much in my life.

    • peacefulwife
      March 22, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

      John,

      Thank you so much for sharing. I don’t think that most wives understand the implications to their husbands when they say this. They are probably asking for more emotional/spiritual connection. But – I can definitely appreciate now that a statement like that could be very wounding to a husband. Thank you for helping the ladies to understand how that comment feels from a man’s perspective.

  34. Jeff
    April 26, 2014 at 4:21 am #

    As a man, I commented in the article on respect.
    Sex is such a big subject. Here it is in a nutshell; I am here reading about my fellow Christians true struggles and my heart goes out to you all. But my wife is full of heart and thinks of so many other people, but not me, I am largely ignored.
    She will not pursue information to make sexual fulfillment better. She simply will not read up on it. We have several books on the subject with chapters on sexual issues and she demonstrates an incredible naïve attitude and interpretation of them.
    I wish I could explain it better, but since being out of a job, her trust in my knowledge is getting smaller. Her health is ignored and she suffers some minor discomforts that are preventable, but won’t listen to my holistic advice. Therefore she can use my “unloving attitude” and the health problems together to sexually refuse me silently, the result is no coital sex for 5 weeks! She claims a third; “tiredness” and repeats my need to get a job. sex discussion ends.
    Temptation for me is bad. I am not good at avoiding temptation, but her desire to “want me” can eliminate ALL temptation. (I won’t go into the temptation part since we all know what I mean) Her ignorance along with disrespect makes our marriage bed a boring place where only sleep occurs. If not for a lot of children here, I would be suicidal, instead, depressed.
    As for spiritual and active life; I am a bible scholar and a fitness man.
    prayer for these problems have been ongoing for 10 years of a 29 year marriage!
    I suppose this is all unfair since she cannot defend herself…

    • peacefulwife
      April 26, 2014 at 7:08 am #

      Jeff,
      I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. It sounds like there is certainly pain on both sides here. :(

      Thank you for sharing a masculine point of view. I think that wives will benefit from hearing how husbands feel when they feel neglected, ignored and rejected in marriage.

      I pray for God to give you His wisdom and the power of His Spirit to lead and love your wife in your marriage, to speak the truth gently and to demonstrate the love of Christ to her as you discuss the issues that need to be addressed. I pray for you to find all of your contentment, power, hope, peace, joy, acceptance, strength and identity in Christ alone – no matter what your wife does or does not do. And I pray for God to work mightily in both of you for His greatest glory.

      Many women don’t understand how difficult temptation is for men, especially when their wives reject them. I wonder if she knows the depths of your turmoil, struggle and pain as well as how severe the depression is that you are experiencing?

      I have heard from quite a number of men who have felt suicidal because they felt so disrespected by their wives.

      For a wife to learn what it means to respect her husband is a massive process in our culture today – and it can take a few years for a wife to really “get it” from the time she sets out to learn to respect and honor her husband. Most wives do not purposely disrespect their husbands- they learned to do this from our culture, from their own mother, from the sinful nature… Most wives have NO idea what respect is or how deeply disrespect hurts their husbands. If they knew, they would be mortified.

      I pray you might both have a chance to sit down and read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs together. It is a very balanced presentation of what wives need and what husbands need according to God’s Word. It is a great starting point. Then I have some lists at the top of my home page about what respect means to husbands and what is disrespectful to husbands that may be helpful.

      Praying for God’s power to work in your marriage to bring great healing for you both!

      The husbands I have known who were suicidal at one point (several of them were a year and a half ago) – began to seek to focus on themselves and their end of the marriage and their walk with Christ, and I have seen God heal those particular marriages. Our God is able, my precious brother. I have witnessed God heal hundreds of marriages here. I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you, your wife, your children and your marriage!

  35. fullarmor50
    July 11, 2014 at 12:17 pm #

    I just now read all these threads. I found this doing a search on what to do when your Christian husband changes and makes you feel like dirt. I have thoroughly loved my husband all of our 25 year marriage. But he has consistently put coaching, baseball and football, and fishing ahead of our relationship. I have raised our six children. Dealt with the youngest, who is autistic and ran his programs. Had therapists in our home for 12 years working with him. Supported all of their activities, especially his. Kept the house clean and the laundry done, worked outside the home as much as possible, painted the outside and inside of the house and maintained it, helped with yard work, trimming hedges, etc. I NEVER see any other woman in the neighborhood doing these things for their husbands. I loved sex with him. I was always the one instigating our intimate times together and made him feel “like a king” according to him. I have kept myself in excellent shape our whole marriage. Went back to school and became a nurse 10 years ago to help him financially after the children were older. But all these years, he would put ANYTHING in front of our marriage in his priorities. Whether it was playing or coaching baseball, coaching football, fishing, work, the children. And in the rare times, usually every 5 years or so, that I would call him on his priorities, he would say “What is wrong with you, you need help.”
    Then 5 years ago he completely changed. His ego went off the wall and statements went from “God blessed me with you” to “You’re lucky to have me.” He has said “You should be grateful I don’t beat you.” “Any woman would want me.” And when I tried to get intimate with him, he would say things like “Why do you want to ruin a perfect weekend” or “It’s Tuesday…we just did it on Saturday. I need time to recuperate.” He has been checking out younger and younger girls when we are out together. And says, “I can’t help it, I like a certain kind of figure.” While driving, a girl jogged by and he stopped mid-sentence to look in the rearview and said “Hmmm. Maybe I’ll take up jogging.” At a family wedding, I walked up behind him at the bar to hear him tell the barmaid she “has a gorgeous smile”. And the one statement that hurt me most…”You always loved me more than I loved you.”
    He has been using Viagra for years due to blood pressure medications he has been on since his twenties. But he started taking it every day even though he wouldn’t come near me. His response to my asking why was “Just in case”. Just in case WHAT???
    So I started falling apart emotionally and eventually physically. I saw shrinking windows on our computer and found out he had a hotmail address and had been on the Messenger chat window. He denied anything and then got rid of the computer when he realized I was looking around and learning how to do forensic analysis. Then he tried to tell me that he “just ended up with a hotmail account” and that I “probably have one too”. So he sat next to me as I typed in my normal email address as a hotmail account address and entered my normal email password (which he knows) and voila…I HAD ONE TOO. How strange. DUH. I am not stupid. I slipped into a massive depression and started drinking more frequently. (self-medicating)

    Right when I thought I couldn’t handle any more of it, and found myself curled up into a ball crying on our bed saying, “I can’t take this anymore. I have to go.” The Lord stepped in and showed my husband all the ways he has dishonored me over the years. But especially how he has dishonored God. I studied the Word for out whole marriage, until I went to school full-time and packed away an inductive study of the book of Romans. I had always attempted to read to my husband all the things I’d learned. I tried to tell him what I’d learned about financial management, raising children, etc and he rejected everything I said.
    My husband never put me in the proper place of his priorities…but even worse…he didn’t have the LORD in HIS proper place. He did “what was right in his own eyes”. He compared himself to other men and found himself perfect. If he wouldn’t listen to God, why should he listen to me? I married him because I thought we were going to read and pray together our whole lives together and that changed almost as soon as the ring went on the finger. BUT GOD…I always loved the “BUT GOD” statements in the Scriptures…BUT GOD…woke us both up.

    I felt worthless, unseen and unheard. I was being compared to every other woman in the world and somehow falling short in my husband’s eyes. My heart broke in so many ways over these past years. In December, at the grocery store, I was checking out stuff in the meat section and turned to find my husband right behind me. He said “I’m not looking at anyone I’m just looking at you.” I almost started crying right there. “Really?” He was pissed that I skipped going down the baking isle. He said “You didn’t go down that isle because there is a hot chick in tight pants there.” I didn’t need anything in that isle. I had bought everything I needed for Christmas baking. He said we “needed Shake and Bake” so I told him to go get it himself and “ask her to do a 360 so he could check her out from every angle.” On the ride home I told him he is free to do whatever he wants. I would not ever be treated this way ever again. If he didn’t change his attitude and actions I am gone. And we didn’t make love for over 7 months because I was not going to give myself to a man who obviously had no respect or love for me.

    I realized that my depression was from listening to the enemies lies about my worth. And I started listening to what God had to say. My husband realized through talking to a couple of good men, how his words and actions affected me. I am now attempting to get back into working out and getting my muscle tone back up to par (I had stopped working out because I felt nothing I did mattered to him anymore). But I injured my shoulder at work over a year ago as well, and am seeing surgeons and neurologists due to nerve pain running down my arm. And we began reading and praying together and planning camping trips.
    I am worth so much in God’s economy. My husband took advantage of my love for the Lord and my love for him. He had become self-absorbed and narcissistic. He had been looking for the world’s approval and applause through his coaching. He also admits that he had been raised to believe that women are only ONLY there for men’s pleasure and use. “That’s just the way it is”.
    Now he realizes all of his errors and I am trusting God with my marriage. However, I also made it very clear that I am able to make it through life on my own if that is what he would choose…I will never let it get like that ever again. I am here first and foremost for GOD’s purposes and I will walk away from anyone who thinks more highly of himself than he should…to the point of crushing the spirit of the people around them. I had put too much of my heart into my marriage…I used to think that wasn’t possible, but I was wrong. NO MAN (or woman) should ever have that much power over another person EVER…that they could destroy their lives and their joy and treat them like dirt.

    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 10:21 pm #

      Fullarmor50,
      What a difficult situation for so very long!

      I praise God for what He is doing in both of you! WOOHOOO!
      Thank you for sharing. Yes, we can respect God, respect ourselves and our husbands. And there are times we do need to confront them about their sin. Of course, ultimately, only God can open a person’s eyes to his/her sin. I’m so glad God is working in both of you. I pray for His greatest glory in each of your lives and in your marriage!

  36. D1968
    August 20, 2014 at 5:33 pm #

    I dont feel he desires me.. He falls asleep instantly when he gets in bed and lays down.. this hurts me makes me feel alone not valued as a woman.. Im the aggressive one all the time .. I touch him.. he has gone to doctor , they say his testosterone was low he has been on it six months still no improvement..Still falls asleep I sdk God for understanding but im very sexual..

    • peacefulwife
      August 22, 2014 at 8:33 am #

      D1968,

      If a husband has low testosterone, that can definitely make it physically impossible for him to desire sex. And it also causes depression and fatigue. IS it possible for you to mention that there is no improvement to his dr? Or is your husband going for a follow up with the dr soon?

      Have you seen the post about the pain of sexual rejection in marriage?

      Sending you a huge hug, my precious girl!!!!!

  37. peacefulwife
    March 2, 2013 at 6:51 am #

    Joe,
    Thanks for sharing your perspective. I am sure it is not easy to share.

    My heart breaks for you with this situation and I am praying for you to be able to find healing and be able to consummate your beautiful marriage. That will actually bring God a lot of glory and honor.

    Praying for God to help you see the beautiful gift of sex in marriage and how He uses it as a kind of physical/emotional/spiritual glue to bond the husband and wife together to be “one flesh” -such a vivid picture of Jesus being one Spirit with His church.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage | Peacefulwife's Blog - May 2, 2013

    [...] I know that MANY of you are suffering in your marriage with the pain of sexual rejection.  The pain can be excruciating.  And many women think they are the only wives whose husbands refuse them.  Reading marriage books that constantly talk about how men want intimacy all the time just drives the knife deeper in your heart when your husband refuses you.  It can make you think that there is seriously something very wrong with you – and that every other husband on the planet desires his wife sexually but yours.  That is a lonely place to be.  This is something almost no one talks about and it  is not a topic that gets addressed much.  (For those of you with the opposite problem, check out this post) [...]

  2. Men, Testosterone and Temptation – Part 2 | Peacefulwife's Blog - June 26, 2013

    […] Be GLAD when he desires your body and appreciate what a blessing his desire for you is.  There are so many wives who are constantly sexually rejected.  The pain of sexual rejection can often seem UNBEARABLE.  PRAISE GOD if you have a husband who deeply desires you.  What a gift!  If his desire makes you feel like “a piece of meat” – please check out this post) […]

  3. Making the One-Flesh Relationship a Huge Priority in Your Marriage | Peacefulwife's Blog - July 28, 2013

    […] of you feel like a piece of meat to your husband. He desires you, but you feel totally disconnected emotionally and spiritually from him and you feel […]

  4. Why Your Husband May Not Immediately Do What You Want Him to Do | Peacefulwife's Blog - September 28, 2013

    […] I have felt disconnected from you for weeks!  All you want me for is sex.  I feel like such a piece of meat to you. […]

  5. Stages of This Journey – Part 3 | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 2, 2013

    […] Sexual Attraction)  If you are not excited about him desiring you more sexually, check out “Sometimes I Just Feel Like a Piece of Meat to My Husband” and be sure to read some of the husbands’ comments.  They are very […]

  6. When We Call Something “Abuse” That Isn’t Abuse | Peaceful Single Girl - December 22, 2013

    […] a husband sexually desiring his wife […]

  7. When We Call Something “Abuse” That Isn’t Abuse | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 22, 2013

    […] a husband sexually desiring his wife […]

  8. GodlyWifetoBe Begins Her Journey | Peacefulwife's Blog - May 2, 2014

    […] resource for wives who have been withholding sex is http://www.forgivenwife.com, and my posts “Sometimes I Feel Like  I’m Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband, ” and “Taking Initiative Sexually in […]

  9. Thankfulhusband’s Take on What Wives Can Do When Their Husbands May Be Sinning | Peacefulwife's Blog - May 25, 2014

    […] Sometimes I Just Feel Like a Piece of Meat to My Husband […]

You are welcome to leave constructive, edifying comments or sincere questions. I do have some restrictions on what comments I am able to accept, you may find my comment policy at the top of my home page)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 7,399 other followers

%d bloggers like this: