Valentine’s Day Expectations
Ladies,
AHHH – VALENTINE’S DAY!
That magical day when romance is in the air and many women have higher expectations than EVER for their men.
For men – it can be a day filled with consternation, apprehension, anxiety and fear – that what they plan or do will not meet their wives’ standard. This is especially true if things did not go well in the past.
WE HAVE FREEDOM
As believers in Christ – we are free from the carnal expectations and demands of the world. We don’t have to buy into the world’s ways and the world’s system and what the world says we must do or should do. There is freedom in Christ – even on Valentine’s Day in our marriages!
We are free to appreciate our husbands, enjoy them, respect them, and release them from cultural expectations and our own expectations. We set our hearts on Christ alone. We are content in Him. Anything else we get is icing on the cake. We can appreciate all that our men do if they do something for us. But we are not slaves to expectations any more. We don’t have to react sinfully if we don’t get what we want.
And really, I don’t even have to be a slave to what I want anymore! I have died to self. I live for Christ. I seek His will and His glory, not my desires any more!
Expectations
Let’s talk about our expectations for Valentine’s Day. There is nothing wrong with liking to feel loved, pampered, adored and treasured. We LOVE romance as women, don’t we!?!? But where is it that we go wrong sometimes? And why is it that Valentine’s Day can sometimes be the most miserable day of the year for some couples?
Sometimes our expectations are HUGE:
- he should “just know” what I want without me telling him
- it’s “not romantic” if I tell him what I want for Valentine’s Day
- he should plan the whole thing all by himself and surprise me
- he should take me to MY favorite restaurant and get me a spa package and get me my favorite flowers
- if he really loved me, he would do X
- he should know what kind of jewelry I like and it needs to cost at least $XXX – or he obviously doesn’t love me
- if my husband doesn’t get me X – he doesn’t care about me at all
- he should take me away for the weekend to a hotel – as a surprise – without me having to mention it
- he should send me a 2000 word love letter/email gushing with all the romantic reasons he loves to be with me
Let’s notice something here…
Those expectations I just listed – do you see where my emphasis is? “HE SHOULD”
This is where I get into trouble. I am in charge of me. I can control me. I don’t control him. Is it fair or right or reasonable to expect a man to read my mind, or to do things just because I expect them?
The other dangerous thing in some of those statements is how I am assigning evil motives to my husband if he doesn’t do what I want. I don’t know his heart! I cannot accurately make assumptions like that. I will push him away and make us both miserable if I assume he hates me and constantly want reassurance of his love. I need to find my reassurance that I am loved, accepted, cherished and valued in CHRIST.
I can ASK my husband for things or tell him what I want with a smile, a pleasant voice, and respect in my heart. But I cannot demand. That is rude! It is unbecoming. It is disrespectful. And men do not respond to demands very well.
A very good definition of happiness is that the closer reality is to our expectations – the happier we will be. Conversely, when our expectations are very high, and reality doesn’t come close to our expectations, we are easily disappointed, resentful, discontent and unhappy.
The changeable factor here? OUR EXPECTATIONS!
Sometimes our reactions are AWFUL
How do we respond to our husbands if we are disappointed with what the did/did not do for us for Valentine’s Day (or other days)?
Do we:
- yell and scream?
- call him names?
- become hateful and full of contempt?
- withhold sex?
- ruin the entire day, or maybe a week, with our wrath?
- pitch a fit?
- give him the silent treatment for the rest of the day, or week or month?
- criticize and condemn our men?
- bash our husband to other women and tell everyone else what an unthoughtful jerk he is?
- act like we are “entitled” to have him do magnificent things for us – but care very little about his feelings?
What kind of behavior does Jesus expect from us towards our husbands?
We think a lot about love as women, and we expect our husbands to love us. But how do we treat them? What do they expect of us? What do we expect of ourselves as wives?
Whether it is on Valentine’s Day – or any other day of the year, Jesus expects us to:
- respect and honor our husbands out of reverence for Him (Ephesians 5:22-33)
- cooperate with our husbands’ leadership out of reverence for Him
- be kind to our husbands (I Corinthians 13:4-7)
- be patient with our husbands
- not be jealous (of how they spend their time, of them giving attention to our children, etc)
- not be arrogant/prideful and think we are better than and more spiritual than our husbands
- not be rude to our husbands – EVEN if they sin against us!
- not be selfish/self-seeking
- not be easily angered against our husbands
- keep no record of wrongs our husbands have committed against us
- not delight when things go wrong for our husbands
- rejoice when the truth wins out in our marriages
- always protect our husband spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically
- always trust our husbands whenever possible (and if it is not possible, we will trust God to work in our husbands for their good)
- always hope in God
- always persevere in the marriage
- not quarrel (I Corinthians 3:3 – quarreling means we are worldly, and not spiritually mature)
- not argue
- not complain (that Jesus might shine brightly in us as we hold out the Word of life! Phil 2:14)
- have a servant’s heart and pray for God to show me how I can bless and serve my husband and make the day special for him – and not make it be all about me (Luke 22:26)
There are many more things Jesus desires us to do. But I think this gives us a great place to start.
Keep in mind that to Jesus – the way I treat my husband – is the way I treat Him.
WE HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE OR BREAK VALENTINE’S DAY, LADIES!!!!!
How?
By our reaction, our gratitude, our response, our patience, our grace, our forgiveness, our mercy… our being full of God’s Spirit and reacting in the power of Christ instead of our sinful nature.
I get to decide if we have a wonderful day together or if it will be miserable torture. It is ALL in my attitude and my response to my husband.
Let’s choose to be thankful, pleasant, grateful, calm, gracious, accepting, respectful, admiring and let’s choose to be flexible and roll with whatever happens with a cheerful attitude. Let’s NOT argue or complain, but be a godly example to those around us.
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME
Why is it that we think Valentine’s Day, or our wedding anniversary should be all about us getting stuff and being pampered? One of the best gifts we can give our husbands is to lay all our expectations and all the pressure aside and just accept, love, respect and treasure our men exactly as they are.
Let’s focus on what our men would enjoy and be thankful every day for our husbands being in our lives.
Lord,
I pray You might help us to keep our eyes on You. Help us to honor and love You and to obey Your Word. Help us to keep our hearts set squarely on Christ, on desiring Your presence, on loving Your Word, on wanting to be more like You and seeking Your will and Your glory.
Help us to stop looking at ourselves and what we will get and help us to have servants’ hearts and focus on serving You primarily and then our husbands. Make our marriages strong, vibrant, healthy and godly and let Your Name be greatly glorified in our homes!
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
Love this post! All I kept thinking as I read was this: “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.”
On that note, here is another of my (paraphrased) favorites: Resentment is taking poison but hoping someone else will die.
Expectations are a serious danger in every relationship. I suppose there are some we can’t help but hope to have (i.e., respectful ways of dealing, etc) and some we ALL have (i.e., morning will follow night, lol). Learning to give of myself with no thought of getting something back in return takes the pressure off both sides of the marriage. And I find it makes the other person more willing to give when there is no pressure to do so, just the desire to bring joy, comfort, etc to the other person.
Thanks!
This is AWESOME!!!!!!!! Please let me quote you! Your comments gave me chills. That first statement – WOW! Thank you for sharing! Beautiful!
Sent from my iPhone
Happy Belated V-day to you, April. I’m just catching up!
You are very kind. Neither saying is mine but you’re free to use them as much as you like!
I do relate to a lot of what you write, especially the learning not to control part. I learned to recognize that pesky li’l issue in my early twenties and have been working to keep it in its place since. Amazing what happens when we let God take the lead and take that step back, not only in our marriages but in our daily interactions with others: at the job, with our parents and even with our kids. (Balancing the line between control and discipline has been the “mother” of challenges, if you will.
)
Be well!
Peace.
VERY well said, as usual, April! We women need to cut our guys a huge amount of slack and allow them to show us their love in THEIR own way, not what the media and retailers dictate.
Blessings!
~Anna
Thanks, Anna!
Reblogged this on One True Wife and commented:
Valentine’s Day is coming up, and my husband is planning something for Friday night! I’m so excited about it, but I’m NOT going to try to think of what his plans might be. Why, you ask? Well, for two BIG reasons:
1. Lane & I have COMPLETELY different ideas when it comes to planning a date! I would think of dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by walking somewhere beautiful, followed by going for ice cream, followed by sitting somewhere AMAZING and talking to each other–telling each other all the things we appreciate about each other! There would be sparkling grape juice, and maybe even a surprise gift! Sounds GREAT, right? To me–definitely! But to my husband–that sounds like we’re blowing this month’s rent on one night. Plus he’s always telling me all the reasons he loves me! Why would he need to include that into our date? He’d plan something more simple. Maybe he’d make me a candlelight dinner at home. Or take me on a picnic. Or we’d just walk around the seminary campus, talking–and maybe he’d even write me a sweet letter. All of his ideas are generally pretty money-conscious (because he wants to make sure he’s providing for us & our home! I should praise him for this!). They’re also A LOT simpler than my ideas, but they’re all still incredibly sweet! Regardless–I’ve learned from the past that when I start coming up with ideas of things I want him to do for me, and his ideas are different than mine–I get kind of bummed. Not because his idea is horrible. It’s actually usually super sweet, and even romantic! But it’s different than my idea–and that’s a hard pill for me to swallow! So this year–I’m not coming up with any ideas for our date! He said he was planning something, so I DON’T NEED to plan anything out in my head! Plans are already made. They’ll be good plans, and I’m not going to put unrealistic or expensive expectations on him!
2. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day to show the person you love, how much you love them! So I want to focus on Lane! I don’t want to focus on what I want him to do FOR ME. That’s a lot more selfish than it is loving. Instead, I want to focus on all of the reasons I love him, and on what I can do to show him that love! I can’t do that if I’m busy placing expectations on him!
Ladies–my challenge to you is this:
If you have expectations of your husband for Valentine’s Day, ask yourself a few questions.
1. Is my husband aware of these expectations?
2. Do my expectations cause my husband to be stressed in any way?
3. Am I more focused on what he’s doing for me, than on what I’m doing for him?
This year, put your husband FIRST! Drop any expectations that your husband either doesn’t know about, or that cause him stress! If he’s stressed about planning something–let him know you care more about him than about the romance of this one date. And make sure you’re focused MOST on what YOU can do for your husband to let him know how thankful you are for him! Instead of waiting to see how he’s going to live up to YOUR expectations, spend this week preparing to SHOW HIM how much you love him!
Rachel – I love this! I like your ideas, and I like how you respect Lane’s ideas and understand his drive to provide well for you and be responsible with money.
I also like your challenges for wives. Great job!!!!!!!
Thank you! I’m actually excited about Valentine’s Day this year, and I don’t really have ANY expectations, except that I hope he likes the gift I get him
Your lack of expectations is a huge gift to him.
You’ll have to let us know how things go! 
I will!
Reblogged this on Calla's musings.
Great post! This really makes you realize the audacity we women can have – demanding we get treated “special” on this day, but taking the lead in our marriages every other day of the year. Talk about a double standard and lose/lose for our husbands! This year, I don’t want to have any expectations. Mine have always been silent, in my head alone, and that is exactly where resentment and bitterness begins – even if I don’t realize I’m doing it. I hope to show my husband how very much I love and appreciate him without expecting ANYTHING in return.
thanks, Kristin! let me know how it goes!
I returned on Valentine day from short business trip. I purchased some Valentine cards in advance and spent time looking through the selection for the right card. Last night when my wife returned home after 3am, I asked her if she thought it was extreme to be coming home so late. That led to me telling her I was hurt, because she didn’t get me a card at the least, or at the very least give me a hug and kiss and make me feel welcome.
She responded by saying the card was lousy. She said she expected flowers, chocolates, jewelry, and a planned night out. She said so and so is able to do all these things and he’s in Japan.
Yes, were in christian counseling. I am paying to be told I’m an a_ _ hole, and the sole problem in my opinion. This has happened multiple times, and it leaves me depressed and deflated.
Sad Husband,
Goodness.
THANK YOU for your loving gesture for your wife of choosing a card to show your love for her.
Where was your wife that she was out until 3am?
How long have you been married? How are things going on normal days? What is the counselor asking your wife to do?
I would be glad to communicate with your wife if she were willing. Getting her to that point might be tricky. MANY wives who are disrespectful and controlling (like I used to be) are not at all receptive to ANYTHING that sounds remotely like criticism, but are plenty willing to dole out criticism for their husbands. That is not right.
If your wife is willing – the list of things husbands tend to find disrespectful and the list of things husbands usually find respectful at the top of my home page could be quite eye opening.
If she is not willing to read my blog – she may be open to read the book Love and Respect together with you – by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. That is the book that opened my eyes to my disrespect. Unfortunately, most wives who are disrespectful and controlling have NO idea that they are being that way – or if they do know, they think that they are justified because their husbands aren’t perfect. But when God commands wives to respect their husbands and submit to them as to the Lord – there is no condition! It’s not, “If your husband is doing X” And it is the same for husbands, they are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her no matter what his wife is or is not doing. Ephesians 5:22-33.
THANKFULLY, if even one spouse begins to let go of sin, unforgiveness, resentment, etc. and focus on Jesus and obey God’s Word – God can breathe healing into that spouse and the marriage.
So things are NOT AT ALL HOPELESS!!!!
You may find my husband’s blog interesting http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com
I think you may also find a lot of insight on my posts about why your wife does what she does and that may help you understand her and the dynamics here, which will make it a whole lot easier to approach the problems you are facing.
Did your wife talk with you before Valentine’s Day about what she would like?
What would you like to see happen in your marriage? What are your dreams and desires for this relationship? What would you like to see change?
Lord,
I lift up the Sad Husband and his wife to You. You know the pain here and all the sin on both sides. You know what You desire this marriage to be and how Your purpose is for this marriage to radically display the profound mystery of Christ and His church to the world. Reconcile this husband and wife to You. Open their eyes to any sin that is keeping Your Spirit grieved and unable to flow like Niagra Falls in each of them. Show them anything they have their hearts set on more than You. And let them tear out all those idols by the root and be content only in You and in You alone. Give this husband wisdom to love His wife the way You love us – even though we are disrespectful to You, distracted, selfish, rebellious and idolatrous so many times. Give him the power You gave Hosea to love his wife for Your glory. Help him to lead her gently. Help him to pray and tap into Your power, because he cannot open his wife’s eyes, only You can open her eyes to her sin.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
Thank you for taking the time to show concern. You and your husband are blessing others. I have 4 children, and have been married for 14 years. It has been a 14 year struggle. Dr. Emerson calls it the crazy cycle. Today is another day of strife. I was sick and my wife was cruel, mean, angry, and just took off again after 9pm. I have read Dr. Emerson’s book and some others. All it does is enrage my wife. I am the victim of my own success. I have worked really hard and have by all outward appearances been a motivating entrepeuner who provides good paying jobs. The flip side is my wife says I have abandoned her. I have neglected her she says, but I feel I have dedicated myself to providing for my family and sending kids to private Christian school. My wife’s best friend is not a christian. She is single, and will meet people on casual encounter listing on craiglist. I don’t understand what she has in common.
Some of the simple things I want out of life and marriage. A wife who wakes up with her husband and sometimes makes breakfast instead of getting up the last minute and yelling at the kids to get ready. She has all the energy in the world to stay out and I get a worn out, frumpy, miserable person the next day.
Sadly, I think the marriage is done. I have been trying for 14 years. I am told weekly by her she wants a divorce. I am told I’m just a paycheck. My house is a constant mess, and my wife just says “I’m a slob, get over it.”
Sad Husband,
I obviously don’t know your wife or your situation. I do know that wives sometimes measure a husband’s love in many ways – not just his ability to provide – and that most wives don’t realize that a man’s financial provision is probably his primary way of showing love. Many wives don’t show proper appreciation for their husbands’ self-sacrifice and his work to provide for the family. They are often looking for him to also spend time with them and their children. Most wives feel loved when they feel understood, heard, valued, cherished, listened-to, etc. I have definitely felt unloved in the past by my husband when he was working on house renovations – for me – but when he worked a full time 40 hour/week job and then worked on the house from supper time until midnight or 1am 6 nights per week – I felt abandoned and unloved earlier in our relationship. I think that I could have been more understanding – but I also think that maybe there could have been more balance so that we had SOME time together.
Does your wife have any godly Christian women friends that you could encourage her to do things with? Have you told her you don’t want her to go out to bars/clubs… whatever she is doing with her single friend?
Is she able to hear any of these things from you? If you hold her and speak your desires gently in a whisper – that you miss her, that you love her, that you want what is best for your family and for her and want your family to honor God?
I am SO sorry about the disrespect you are experiencing. But I think there is every reason for hope in Christ! I have seen situations very similar to this where God has moved mountains. Three husbands contacted me in September with similar scenarios. Things are not perfect now for them, but God has changed the husbands first, and then changes are slowly happening in their wives. I will be glad to pray with you about this and pray for God to intervene. You can’t open your wife’s eyes, but He can. And when He does that – things change. He brings life to dead marriages. And I have seen it happen hundreds of times with the wives I communicate with. Our God is ABLE. He is POWERFUL. And when we are willing to look at ourselves and allow Him to remove any sin in ourselves first, then He can empower us to be the spouses He wants us to be and He can breathe healing an and life into our families.
One thing I have seen… wives tend to have “feeling loved” as an idol – some thing they set their hearts on more than Christ many times. I did that. And I have seen that husbands sometimes can put “feeling respected” in their hearts as an idol. I don’t know if that is happening here. But I do know that each of those three husbands from September realized they were doing that and then purposely set their hearts on Christ alone – desiring only Him, His will, His glory, and laying down their desires, needs, plans, goals, wisdom and everything they are. And God radically changed them first. He completely changed their motives, desires and hearts. It was amazing to watch.
I hope to hear from you more. I appreciate your wisdom, insight, perspective and your struggle. I can’t wait to see what God has in store here for His glory!
OH!
And with your wife, your power will be in your tenderness, your kindness, your gentle approach, your affection (if she is open to that – just non-sexual touching at first – hugs, kisses), your love letters/emails/texts, your appreciation for ANYTHING she does that you actually do like, your selflessness, your willingness to give your time to her and your children, your willingness to have fun with the kids and play with them, your ability to stay calm and not raise your voice… and I would personally suggest taking her by the hand and praying with her (not in a preachy way, but in a humble way that you are seeking God first), she may also be open to allowing you to read the Bible with her together. Those things often speak loudly to wives. If she does get angry – embrace her anger – hold her gently – let her see that you care about her emotions. I know it feels like she is blaming you – but if you can hear the hurt, pain and sadness, and see that she is reacting out of feeling unloved – and hold her – she may calm down.
