Empowering My Husband’s Spiritual Leadership about Church Stuff
EVERY COUPLE WILL HAVE ITS OWN UNIQUE BRAND OF RESPECT/BIBLICAL SUBMISSION/LOVE
There is not one specific “right way” to respect your husband and to cooperate with his leadership. Every couple will have their own style and methods of doing this. I am going to give some examples just to give you a baseline to think and pray about. And to possibly talk with your husband about – respectfully, of course!
DECIDING ON A CHURCH
Many couples do not agree about where to go to church. The wife prefers one denomination or one worship style and the husband prefers another. Or there is disagreement about what place of worship is the best fit for the children in the family or what kind of music or preaching everyone likes. Sometimes a wife just goes off on her own and goes to the church she likes and refuses to go to church with her husband. I don’t believe this is generally wise – especially if the husband is not ok with that arrangement.
I believe that a wife should share her feelings, opinions, ideas and desires about what she would like in a church home and where she wants to go and doesn’t want to go. I think that husbands need their wives’ perspectives in order to make the best possible decisions for the family. Husbands are called to be leaders, but they are not mind readers. It is our responsibility to use our “influence authority” in marriage wisely to advise our husbands of what we believe is best.
But if the husband and wife do not agree, then I believe it is the husband’s God-given responsibility to decide which church the family will attend. And I believe that a wife in that situation would show respect and submission by cooperating joyfully and willingly with her husband’s decision. She does not have to agree with him.
But she can say something like, “I want to go to X church. Here are the reasons why. I don’t want to go to Y church. Here are my reasons. But I know that you will stand accountable to God one day for this decision, not me. So I will support whatever decision you believe is best and I pray God will give you wisdom to lead us in His ways.”
Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:4-5
Please catch this! When Christian wives do not cooperate with their husbands’ leadership (unless the husband is asking the wife to sin), the Word of God is maligned. This is MUCH bigger than just about me and my marriage. This is about the reputation of God’s Word and Christ Himself. My refusal to follow my husband’s God-given leadership hurts the gospel message and makes it unappealing to others. That is HUGE! And scary.
** If your husband is asking you to go to a cult – then the authority of God’s Word trumps the authority of your husband. But unless your husband is asking you to sin in his choice of church – then, I believe you honor God and honor your husband by joyfully going with him to the church he believes is best.
PARTICIPATING AT CHURCH
Lots of issues can come up that can cause strife in a marriage related to decisions at church
- Your husband doesn’t want you to sing in the choir – and would rather you sit with him.
- Your husband doesn’t like a certain Sunday School teacher and doesn’t want to go to that class.
- Your husband wants to go to the early service and you are not an early morning person.
- Your husband wants to be involved in a certain ministry and would like you to help him.
- Your husband wants to sit in the back of the auditorium but you like to sit in the front.
- Your husband likes contemporary music and you like traditional worship music.
- Your husband wants you to keep the baby in the nursery but you would rather the baby stay with you in the service.
- Your husband wants to change churches but you are happy where you are.
There is no limit to the number of situations that can cause division for a married couple at church.
I would like you to consider approaching these things prayerfully, humbly and trusting God’s sovereignty to lead you through your husband, that you might say something like:
“I want to do X. But if this is really important to you, I will do what you prefer and I trust you to make the best decision for us.”
“I would like to do X. But whatever you think is God’s best for us is ok with me.”
“I prefer to do X. But I respect that you want to do Y. So I will support your decision.”
“I really don’t want to do that. But I will if you think it’s best.”
When your husband feels the weight of the whole decision – it inspires him to REALLY seek God’s voice and to try to make the best and most selfless decision he can for the family. When he doesn’t hear your voice constantly telling him what to do – he is so much more able to tune in to God’s voice!
And then, usually, you probably won’t bring it up again (or only rarely), and you will cheerfully and joyfully honor your husband’s decision and see what God has in store for you and your family. It’s funny how when a wife approaches things like this, God often works in mysterious ways. Husbands minds sometimes change. Or sometimes, God had something much better in mind than the wife could ever have imagined. And many times, it is in little things like this, where our faith is tested and we grow and mature and become more humble and servant-hearted and God uses these situations to mold us into the beautiful image of Christ.
HANDLING DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU DON’T GET YOUR WAY
- Pray and ask God for His will and His glory not your will to be done (follow Jesus’ example of submission, “Not My will, but Yours be done!”)
- THANK GOD and thank your husband if he takes you to church. Many husbands will not go to church with their wives and children at all. (If your husband won’t go to church with you, I Peter 3:1-6 is your assignment. He can’t hear your words about God. But he will notice your respect and joy and faith in Jesus. Thank him if he allows you to go to church. Don’t try to force him to go with you.)
- Focus on all the wonderful things there are about this church and situation you have to be grateful for. Philippians 4:8
- Thank God and your husband for your husband’s leadership.
- Wait on God, give him the desires of your heart and trust Him to do what is ultimately best for you and to accomplish His purposes and His will.
- Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul and with all your strength. Your heart attitude is more important than if you get to sing in the choir or have the kind of music you prefer or what denomination you attend. Make sure you have your heart set completely on Christ and that nothing is more important to you than Him. And make sure that you don’t allow little issues to become more important to you than your marriage or your husband.
RELATED POSTS
My Husband Isn’t a Good Enough Spiritual Leader
I Want to Follow My Husband, How Can I Inspire His Leadership?
Is your Christian Ministry Destroying Your Marriage?
Where Do Christian Husbands Go to be Trained to be Godly Leaders?
Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Notice
The Blessing of Having a Husband Who Won’t Pray with His Wife
How to Respect my Husband Who is Not a Believer
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PS – if you are new to my blog, here is a bit of background for you!
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Ephesians 5:23
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33
Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. I Corinthians 11:3
GOD’S DESIGN
God designed a system and structure of order in families and society. He gave authority for certain positions so that there would be proper protection, provision, safety, order and harmony. God gave us governments, teachers, pastors, church leaders, police officers, judges, bosses/managers, parents and husbands. Our culture has largely lost respect for God-given authority. But God’s design is still in effect. He commands believers to submit to God-given authority – to cooperate with our leaders – unless they ask us to violate His Word. The authority of the Word of God trumps human authority. That is why the disciples could not obey the government when they were commanded to stop preaching about Jesus. They said, “We must obey God rather than men!” But unless a God-given authority is asking me to sin or violate God’s Word, I honor God and submit to God by cooperating with the human God-given authority. God can and will lead me through human God-given authority when I trust Him.
ABUSE
It is possible for humans with free will to abuse the position of authority they have. That is NOT God’s will and God is grieved when people lord their authority over others or abuse those under their care. God will bring about justice for these people either on earth with His vengeance or on judgment day in heaven. If you are suffering abuse or your husband has an addiction, a serious mental disorder that is not under control or is committing infidelity or there are major problems – please find a godly Christian counselor, pastor or godly, experienced source of help immediately! Those kinds of situations are way beyond the scope of this post and this blog.
Reblogged this on One True Wife and commented:
“Make sure that you don’t allow little issues to become more important to you than your marriage or your husband.”
I’ve known many couples who’ve had huge problems in their marriage due to a conflict at church. A lot of times they focus on what’s best for the kids, or what the wife feels God has called her to do. The truth, though, is that God has commanded that a wife submit to her husband’s leadership. Nothing God calls you to do will go against that command (unless of course your husband is asking you to sin). Your children, as well, will be blessed to grow up in a home where submission is modeled every day. Through seeing their mom submit to their dad–even when she doesn’t want to–they will learn how to submit their lives to Christ. This is the most important lesson a mother can teach her children! Let’s make sure that our own pride doesn’t get in the way of our submission–both to God and our husbands!
So, so true. Isn’t it ironic that a Christian wife who wants her husband to lead, especially spiritually, and who will nag him to do so, will buck him about his church decisions?
David,
Oh, how much I relate to that comment!!!!!
That was totally me. But when a woman thinks she is sovereign instead of God – then she “knows” that only her way is “right.” If a woman insists on being in control and has herself and control as idols, she cannot and will not follow her husband’s God-given authority. She can’t follow her husband’s “wrong” way. I wanted my husband to lead. Ok – I thought I wanted my husband to lead. But I only wanted him to lead in the ways I thought were best. Because I “could see God’s will so very clearly.”
SO much pride and idolatry has to be overcome in a woman’s heart for her to see what she is even doing and for her to be able to accept and cooperate with her husband’s leadership. Essentially, all of her old ideas about God, femininity, marriage, leadership, being a godly wife, being a godly woman, masculinity, love and Christianity have to be ripped out and God must completely renew our hearts and minds.
Then – cooperating with our husband’s leadership is no problem at all! Once our entire spiritual constitution is completely made over!
“I wanted my husband to lead. Ok – I thought I wanted my husband to lead. But I only wanted him to lead in the ways I thought were best. Because I “could see God’s will so very clearly.”
I realize this may be a ridiculous question, but I’m curious. Please help me understand something.
Would your comment more accurately describe a woman’s desire for her husband “to be on the same page as her” (to increase some form of godly unity within marriage as she might think best) or just for her husband “to get on-board with her decision” (because achieving her will is a higher priority than any desire for godly unity), though she may rely falsely (or even unintentionally) on the common and convenient words, “I want my husband to lead?”
I ask this generally about all or most women, not necessarily you specifically.
Thanks!
RG,
Whew. That is a difficult thing to explain. How do I explain my rational when I was completely steeped in sin, totally blind and living in rebellion against God but thought I was a super spiritual Christian?
In my mind at the time – I believed I knew “God’s will.” I believed that if my husband thought that God’s will was anything other than what I thought God’s will was – that he was 100% wrong. I thought that I was MUCH closer to God than he was at the time. I didn’t trust that he could discern God’s will. I never saw him pray. He didn’t pray with me. I didn’t think he read his Bible much. He seemed addicted to the tv. He ignored me (from my perspective). I felt extremely unloved. And I thought my husband was FAR, FAR from God. I judged him and condemned him.
I thought he was incapable of knowing and discerning God’s will. I thought I was “the only spiritually mature one” in the marriage. And I thought I “had” to lead because my husband clearly was “not qualified.”
I had no concept of unity being something that I needed to stretch and work towards. I thought he needed to come to the godly place where I was. I really believed I knew God’s will and he didn’t. So I didn’t perceive it as my will was a higher priority. I truly believed I had the inside track with God and I was the only one of the two of us who knew God’s will or could know God’s will.
My pride was astronomical. I don’t know if you can measure pride – but I had myself above God and WAY above my husband. I had to come down thousands and thousands of notches. God opposed me for all those years. I didn’t see my prayers answered. I stayed completely frustrated and unhappy. THANK GOD! He wouldn’t let me find contentment in my pride, sin, idolatry and rebellion.
And THANK GOD that my husband would not allow me to manipulate him into doing what I wanted him to do. I am grateful now that he had a backbone and refused to cooperate with my attempts to usurp his authority.
I wish he had told me that I was being disrespectful and controlling. He never once said that. In fact, he didn’t even think it. He just thought I was arrogant. But he didn’t tell me that either. He never reprimanded me. My parents never reprimanded me for a disrespectful or prideful attitude, either. So my pride had gone unchecked my entire life. And I believed I was a strong, wonderful, godly, amazing Christian wife.
I’m not sure if that helps. Let me know if it isn’t clear.
The last two churches we’ve attended my husband chose. I wasn’t sure, but I decided to go with my husband’s judgement. They have been the best two churches we’ve ever gone to. My superficial dislikes have been replaced by a love for these churches and their love of God, people and service to the community. My husband was able to see the big picture before I was. And both times I was so glad I didn’t push to have my way.
My husband insisted we stay at a church one time when I wanted to leave. I’m SO glad I cooperated with him – albeit with a lot of anger and resentment at first. I grew to love the people there and by the time we did leave, I cried and didn’t want to go. God taught me a lot because I had to stay in an uncomfortable situation. And I am so glad that my husband put his foot down and did what he believed was right. I thank God for his leadership now – even though I didn’t understand at the time!