The Frustrating Quiet Phase

Several wives wrote to me who were very perplexed after they realized the extent of their disrespect and control and wanted to fix it but weren’t sure what to do.  They ended up being too quiet and felt like they couldn’t say anything anymore.  That doesn’t work either!  Here is my response. (PS, there is a note to the husbands at the bottom)

This is the first phase that wives go through after they realize the enormity of their disrespect and control.  If you are like I was – you used to spend almost all your waking time constantly thinking about how things “should” be and how to “make” things happen the way you know they ought to to be sure everything would be OK.   I worried A LOT.  ABOUT EVERYTHING.  My mind was whirling and spinning about various conflicts or how I was going to get my husband to do things differently and change him and make situations and circumstances and other people do what I thought was best.  My way was the only right way, after all!  I was anxious and was very used to constantly speaking every negative thought that popped into my head.  That meant I was complaining a lot.  I was tense.  I was fearful.  I was negative.  And I am sure you can tell – I was LOTS of fun to live with!

GUILTY!!!!!

Suddenly, I became aware of my disrespect and control  when I read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and I completely clammed up.  The guilt and shame were unbelievably overwhelming for days.  I had no idea I wasn’t a wonderful wife for all those 15 years.  And to finally see myself as God and my husband saw me was unbearable.  It was humbling.  It was humiliating.  I was mortified.  I didn’t know what to do.  I felt like the biggest failure as a wife ever in the history of the planet.  I saw the problem clearly for the first time – and I was deeply remorseful and wanted desperately to change, but I had no clue what to do or how to function, what to say, how to even just be in a room with other people…  I just wanted to hide from everyone and go live in a cave!  That way I wouldn’t hurt anyone.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY THAT IS NOT SIN!

I was terrified that I was going to say something disrespectful.  I didn’t know what was and was not disrespectful at first.  So I went almost completely silent.  That is the first phase for most wives on this journey.  It takes time to begin to sort out what is respectful and what to stay quiet about.  It is a process of learning discretion and wisdom.  It feels like you can’t be “yourself” at first – but what it really is – is a shaping process where you are learning to be a BETTER self, you are learning to be your best self.  Your old self has to be crucified, and your new self is powered by the Holy Spirit!

So it is very frustrating at first.  In my view, this is THE MOST DIFFICULT and FRUSTRATING part of the whole transformation into becoming a godly, submissive, respectful wife with a gentle and quiet spirit that does not give way to fear.  You know you have a problem.  You know you’ve done wrong – maybe a LOT of wrong.  But you have almost no tools to change it yet or to make it better.  I felt like I was walking through a minefield and didn’t know when I would accidentally step on something by doing something wrong.

And when you do venture to say something – it is likely to be wrong.  Then you have more guilt on top of the mountains of guilt that are already burying you alive. That just reinforces the concept that being quiet and saying nothing is better than risking making a terrible mistake and causing your husband pain again.  Worldly guilt brings death, but godly sorrow leads to repentance and real life and soul change.  Keep seeking God’s will and His face during this time!  He has the power to get rid of all that sin and guilt and make you into something new, beautiful and glorious!

A NEW WORLD OF MASCULINITY

I realized I was completely blind to the entire world of masculine respect.  It was daunting – like learning a new foreign language.  It was even more challenging for me because my husband wasn’t sure what was respectful or not himself.  So I would ask him (OFTEN) if something would be respectful or disrespectful, and he would almost always say, “I don’t know.”  This is one of the reasons I write this blog.  I want to get more information to other wives when they start on this journey of respect and submission and obedience to God than I could find when I started.  As my husband got more used to being respected, he began to be able to tell me himself what he thought and he began to know his own mind and grow confident in his leadership abilities.  It was amazing to watch him blossom into such a godly leader!  The wives who have husbands who do try to communicate to you about what is disrespectful – that is a huge blessing!  You don’t have to try to guess.  Yes, it’s painful to hear that you are doing things that are hurtful – but you can’t fix a problem that you don’t know exists.   Better to know and be able to make it right than to keep unwittingly wounding him and destroying your intimacy and unity!

BEING QUIET – A LOT

So, first you go almost totally quiet.  You aren’t going to stay this way forever.  It will take days, weeks or months to begin to figure out how to say what you want and how you feel in a calm, respectful way and how to let go of the “Needless Emotional Turmoil” as Laura Doyle calls it in “The Surrendered Wife”.  At first, you have to clamp your mouth shut and force yourself not to say all the controlling and negative things you usually say.  It is HARD!  It feels like torture.  It begins to dawn on you that apparently almost all the words that come out of your mouth are controlling, negative and disrespectful.  That is very disheartening.   Then you begin to see that things are actually ok without your negative comments and that your husband is truly capable, intelligent, wise, competent, responsible and able to make decisions.  Wow!  Who knew?

Then you start learning to say some good things about what he is doing and what you like.  It feels awkward and weird if you aren’t used to doing this.  But you may notice that he actually smiles at you occassionally again.  Hmmm… maybe this will be worth it!

Eventually, you actually start thinking about the good things and don’t think as much about the negative comments.  It feels good not to have regrets about all the negative comments anymore.  There is real peace beginning to grow in your heart.  It’s getting easier to think of things to be thankful for and not dwell on the bad stuff.

Later you almost completely stop thinking about the disrespectful and negative things and fill your whole mind and heart with only good things all the time practically.  And you realize that what God asked you to do wasn’t a sacrifice at all, it was a path paved with many blessings.  And you would NEVER go back to the old you for anything!

You are going to have a LOT of free mental and emotional time on your hands that you have never had before.  It is part of learning to have peace!  But it feels like you need to be carrying all that heavy mental/emotional weight you used to carry around for no beneficial reason.  You will eventually be able to set it down and leave it down and feel free without it.  I began using all that free space in my head to sing praise songs to God, to pray, to think over all the things I respected about my husband, to think of things to be grateful for, to rehash the books I was studying.  It was refreshing!  Now I use that space for prayer, praising God and thinking about my next post and about the emails I get.  I like this MUCH more than all that pointless worrying I used to do!

It is going to take some time to work through this stuff.  I pray you will be patient with yourself.

BIBLICAL SUBMISSION

And you CAN say what your feelings are and what you want.  But if he wants to buy a car –  you can say something like, “I don’t want to buy a car right now.”  In a calm way – without yelling, cussing, name-calling or even slightly raising your voice.  Ideally, with a pleasant tone of voice and facial expression – and only ONCE.  Or you can say, “This makes me nervous.  But I trust you with the decision.”  or “I would really like X brand of car.  And I would like our budget to be Y.” But then, allow him to make the final choice if you don’t agree. You can say what you want and why – but ultimately, he can make the final call because he will stand accountable to God for the leadership of this family and the decisions he makes, not you. If you strongly disagree with him, check out Submitting under Protest.

(If your husband is currently involved in infidelity, an uncontrolled mental disorder or an active addiction – you may need face-to-face godly counsel. If your husband is asking you to blatantly sin or to condone his blatant sin, check out Spiritual Authority)

You don’t have to agree to things you don’t like. He is not always right. You are not always wrong. You both have important viewpoints, feelings and ideas to share.  You can say what you want and don’t want.  But you can’t MAKE him do what you want.  He gets to choose what he wants to do.  You can choose what you want to do.  When it comes to a joint decision, you can tell him your feelings and what you want respectfully and then trust him to make the best choice and trust that God will use that for your good and His glory.  Yes, reallyYou can do this!

As he feels more and more respected, your husband will begin to care even more about your feelings and will often do what you want just because he wants to see you happy.  As you focus on the good and stop the negativity, he will feel like it is actually possible to please you again and he will start thinking it could be worth the risk of trying to do wonderful things for you since you might actually act happy about it now!

SPIRITUAL GROWING PAINS

What you are going through is growing pains of becoming more spiritually mature and more the woman of God you want to be.  You will be fighting your flesh, your sinful nature, Satan and your old thinking and speaking habits you have had for most of your life.  It is HARD!  But it is worth it!

But it will feel like spiritual and emotional torture and contortion at first.  You will be taking your “safety net” of thinking you are in control away for the first time.  It feels like you are flinging yourself off of spiritual, emotional and mental cliff.  You haven’t experienced using your faith and trust muscles before – hardly at all.  They are atrophied and weak and it will take time to build them up.  You are going to be terrified.  This is probably the scariest thing you has ever done.  Tearing down the idol of control makes things seem very out of control at first – you believed (probably since you were a child) that trying to control things kept you safe.  It really didn’t.  You actually were not in control.  But you THOUGHT you were. You will have to practice trusting your husband and trusting God and seeing that everything is actually fine several times (or many times) before you can begin to relax and breathe and not have to “white knuckle” it.

You are used to a constant running tape of worry and figuring things out all the time.  When that stops – it is scary.  It’s hard to know what to think about or what to talk about.  When all you usually do is say negative things constantly, it’s weird to have silence and hard to know what to replace it with at first.

Most husbands have NO IDEA the mental, emotional and spiritual gymnastics it is going to take to get from where you were to having God’s peace and being able to respect and submit.  It’s a long process.  This is a cross country trip.  You are not going to magically be mature in a week.  This is probably a several year long journey for most wives, maybe even longer.

I know it seems simple.  Many people would just say, “Don’t worry.”  It’s so much more complicated than that when there is idolatry involved.  And there is here!  It’s an addiction to trying to be in control of people, your marriage, your family, and even God – thinking that will keep you safe.  You think deep in your soul that YOU are much more powerful than God right now.  And you think you are more wise than God and your husband.  Or – that is how I actually thought.  I never consciously thought that, but when I really dug down and looked at how I lived, that was how I truly believed in my heart.   It’s an illusion.  The more you try to control, the less you actually control.  Only God is truly sovereign and in control.  Thankfully, we can trust Him!

You will have to face your deepest fears and discover how HUGE God is and that He is big enough to handle your fears – all of them. You will have to realize that your picture of your husband was way, way, too wimpy, too.  Just like your picture of God is tiny and impotent – if you are like I was.  And you will discover that your husband and God are both much stronger, bigger, more powerful, wiser and more trustworthy than you had ever imagined.

 

 

 

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113 Comments on “The Frustrating Quiet Phase”

  1. Sis
    July 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm #

    You have no idea how badly I needed this message today, thanks!

    • peacefulwife
      July 27, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

      Sis,
      You are so very welcome! It gets easier and more natural with practice. And as your husband begins to relax and see that this is permanent, he will start to reward you with more smiles, more intimacy and more romance. That can take months, or even years depending on the level of damage done in the past. But it is SO worth it!

      • morganbarnes33
        January 30, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

        I’ve come across your blog in the last week and I am so thankful that I did. Thank you for putting everything in a context that I actually understand. I have been searching for something to ignite a flame within me and your blog has been it. I’ve started my own blog to hold myself accountable on my path and I’d be honored to get any advise you may be willing to share. http://path2proverbs31.wordpress.com/
        Thank you!

        • peacefulwife
          January 30, 2014 at 3:17 pm #

          Morganbarnes33,
          I love your new blog!!! I have to praise God for His willingness to use me to reach you. What an answer to my prayers! He is so very good. :)

          I will be interested in sharing some of your posts in the future, if that is ok. :). Wives need to see many different wives’ stories all along the different stages of this journey. Your blog is going to be a blessing to many other women, I can already tell!

          I am happy to share anything I can that might bless your walk with Jesus and your marriage as well as your blogging experience.

          I think blogging to keep yourself accountable is fantastic!

          Be very careful not to disrespect your husband as you blog – which you are doing a great job of so far. My advice is only to talk about your own sins and shortcomings, not his. And, be careful not to share personal info about other people close to you that might upset others. :)

          The other thing is it not get caught up on numbers, but to seek only to please God. It is easy to turn numbers or blogging or ministry into an idol. So it is important to keep your priorities straight with God first, then your husband, and then the blogging after your family. Easier said than done sometimes!

          Also, there is a lot of opposition to this message. Don’t seek to please people. Some women may get upset about what you share that is in line with God’s Word. They are not the enemy, our true enemy has them ensnared.

          I am always glad to hear from you any time!

          I think these points are probably enough to think about for now.

          We can talk more as we continue on. :)

          Much love my precious sister!

          • morganbarnes33
            February 4, 2014 at 10:35 am #

            Peacefulwife,

            It is an answer to my prayers as well! :)

            Also, I have no problem with your sharing some of my post. I hope that it can help others on their journey.

            I appreciate all of your encouragement. Definitely some points you mentioned that I needed to hear.

            Thank you!

            God is good!

  2. seventhacreheaven
    July 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    Thank you. This was much needed this week. I’m realizing that I manage to follow the rules of male respect at work but so much of what I say at home I would never say to a colleague. Since using that standard/technique to hunt out my disrespect, I’m afraid to open my mouth sometimes! Just yesterday someone asked a question and I answered for my husband, and then I wanted to have a tantrum of frustration…why can’t I get this right?

    • peacefulwife
      July 27, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

      Seventhacreheaven,

      I hope you can be patient with yourself! You learned to have a controlling attitude and to be in charge and to be disrespectful over MANY years from our culture, maybe from family examples thousands and thousands of times as you were growing up, and from our professional education. It takes time, effort, prayer, Zgod’s Spirit and practice to get this right. Even if you make mistakes, you are already making less than you were before you started! So you are already in a much healthier place for your marriage. It is much like
      Learning a brand new language. It takes time and practice but eventually you will become fluent and speak and hear respect almost as well as your husband!

      And the more you learn, the more rewards you get from your husband when you get things right. That makes it a lot more fun to do all this hard work!

      I am proud of you! You have made HUGE strides in the past few weeks. You’ll get this! Thanks for sharing.

      • seventhacreheaven
        July 28, 2012 at 12:08 am #

        Thanks. I think the hardest thing about making these changes is the lack of acknowledgement, though I am seeing a lot of benefits in terms of our home and marriage already.

        • peacefulwife
          July 28, 2012 at 12:45 am #

          That is a really hard thing for most wives. We want to get an A+ for the HUGE effort we are making. We want our husbands to praise and thank us and encourage us. But that is just not how this process really works. That is why having other wives as mentors or friends on this journey is so helpful. We can get the pats on the back we need from them. But thankfully, we can start to see some rewards fairly early on in most cases and that is very motivating to keep up the hard work. Your husband will have to do a lot of hard work too, eventually, as he must take on more and more responsibility and leadership and figure out what it means to be a godly man, husband and father as the accountability and responsibility is more and more on him. It will be fair and balanced in the end!

          • Newly respectful
            June 7, 2014 at 12:27 pm #

            How do I find other like minded women who can encourage me when I just want to jump up and say ‘don’t you see how good I’ve been this week??’

            • peacefulwife
              June 7, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

              Newlyrespectful,
              You can find them here! :) Just leave a comment on a post, and I believe you will find many wives jumping in to give you encouragement, support, prayer, affirmation and exhortation to continue seeking to please Christ.

              When you are feeling frustrated or disappointed in your husband, I have found that is a great time to check motives and make sure I am really seeking to honor Christ and not trying to get something for myself.

              This is a LONG, LONG process. It is the process of sanctification – where God removes the sin and wrong thinking and completely transforms our hearts, minds and souls. He has already done everything for us on the Cross as Christ dying for us and being raised to life. If you are in Christ, God counts your old sinful nature as dead to this world and to sin and He has given you a new spirit and heart in Christ. Now, you will do the learning of how to live in the Spirit and how to take each thought captive and how to submit first to Jesus as Lord.

              Would you like to share what happened this week? I’d love to hear about it! :)

              Much love,
              April

  3. Rockie
    July 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    Hello. I am new to this blog, as of yesterday. And I have found some very helpful, inspiring messages. The only difference is I’m not the controlling one. I am more passive, and easy going. I am big on submission, however more times then not I feel like a doormat. I have disrespected my husband on a few occasions, however I have repented of those times and seeked forgiveness from God, as as my husband. But he doesn’t trust me and always seems to hold on to the past. For the last couple of years I feel like I’ve just been going through the motions. I have been willing to die to self, and honor and respect my husband as unto the Lord. It’s very hard though cause he doesn’t appear to love me as Christ loves the church. When I try to talk to him about certain things or have an opinion about something, he shuts me down immediately. So that leaves me feeling less then or beneath him. Like I’m not important enough to be heard or to have a voice, no matter how much I do so with love and respect.

    • peacefulwife
      July 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

      Rockie,

      My blog is definitely mostly from the perspective of a formerly disrespectful and controlling wife. So not everthing may be the exact focus and slant you need. But I do try to address the doormat issue, too. Because that doesn’t properly display the beautiful, very great mystery of Christ and His church. I have a post called “Doormats Don’t Glorify God Either.”. That may be helpful.

      Do you have an example of a conversation you’d like to email to me and we can look at it together? Aprilc@sc.rr.com.

      Welcome to my blog! I look forward to getting to know you better! I pray for God’s greatest glory in your. Triage and your faith!

    • MHMC
      April 17, 2014 at 9:37 pm #

      I am an outgoing, controlling personality, but at home with my husband, I used to be a doormat. My husband is an introvert, passive personality, but his demeanor toward me, though quiet, is controlling. For years, I did what all the books said. I remember telling people, “We never fight!” I remember asking permission for things, like hanging pictures on the wall, or driving my car somewhere. Now that I have a teenage daughter, I see him saying the same things to her, that he used to say to me- the majority of the time being “No”. When I was going to counseling, I was told to let my “Yes” be yes, and “No” be no. I was to speak up for the things I felt convicted about, passionate about. As I’ve learned to be more assertive, my husband has become more passive-aggressive. He “punishes” me by not talking to me or the kids for days. He’ll pout, or sulk, when he doesn’t get his way. It has made me angry that for so many years I thought I was doing the right thing, when really I was being an enabler. Now, when I am hurt, or ask more of him, he instead gives me less. When I need reassurance from him, he backs away. When I need love, he gives me rejection. All the things you said you did to be the “respectful” wife, I did too. Go to a different church (we’ve been to three different church in 14 years), make the bedroom HIS room, let him make the decisions regarding the home, bills, finances. When I asked to have joint finances, he said “No, and that’s final”. Sometimes you just look back and think, at what point was it “REALLY” good? Because now that I look back with a different perspective, I see that it really wasn’t good- I had just talked myself into thinking it was good because I didn’t want to be in a “bad” marriage. Now, I’m paying for it.

      • peacefulwife
        April 18, 2014 at 8:46 am #

        MHMC,
        I am so sorry things have been so difficult!
        There is almost always a tendency for us as wives to go too far to one extreme or the other – doormat or controlling/disrespectful. Neither of those are good or glorifying to God.

        Ultimately, we answer to God and our primary goal is to please Him. There are some husbands who will not be pleased, sadly.

        My deepest desire is for wives to be Spirit-filled, full of God’s power, peace and joy and to operate from a place of love, honor and reverence for Christ and obedience to Him.

        That does not mean a husband will necessarily change.

        I wish all husbands were loving, godly, selfless, wise men.

        They aren’t all like this.

        God can change our husbands, but we can’t.

        Sometimes husbands never change. Sometimes they do but it takes years.

        If a husband has any mental health issues, addictions, severe sin issues, abusive issues, or is involved in infidelity, I would implore wives to seek godly, experienced, appropriate help.

        If wives have not read them, I would suggest reading the posts at the top of my home page – Spiritual Authority and A Husband’s and a Wife’s Spiritual Authority

        • peacefulwife
          April 18, 2014 at 8:48 am #

          Oops! A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage.

          I Peter 3:1-6, Romans 12:9-21 and I Corinthians 13:4-8 are passages that may help wives as they deal with unloving husbands.

          What is your husband’s relationship to Christ, MHMC?

          I wish I could hug your neck!

      • Seekinghelp
        September 23, 2014 at 12:00 am #

        MHMC,
        Your post has me in tears. I want to hug you so tight as I am in the exact same situation. We are in a Christian group marriage therapy course called Marriagecore and I thought it was helping for a while but he gets so angry everytime I speak I’m afraid to talk now. I walk on eggshells but I still try to be respectful, to make him feel special, to affirm him, but feel like I’m getting nothing in return. I used to think I could change him if he only understood my side. Now I know only God can change him and I pray he will reach your husband too, to change their hearts and open their eyes. I just feel so unloved, undesired, disrespected, unappreciated and lonely. Sorry I got off a bit on a tangent.

        How are you doing since this post?

        • Peacefulwife
          September 23, 2014 at 8:05 am #

          Seeking Help,
          Thank you so much for reaching out to our precious sister!
          I am so sorry that you are experiencing something similar. :( I don’t know your situation, or why your husband gets so angry. Are you safe?

          I am encouraged that you are looking to God and trusting Him and not trying to change your husband or open his eyes. Only God’s Spirit can do that. What do your counselors encourage you to do? Are you getting any one on one help?

          Much love to you!

  4. amarieproctor
    August 1, 2012 at 8:27 am #

    Hi,
    I found your blog through \”To Love Honor and Vacuum,\” and it\’s just what the doctor (or maybe God) ordered for me! Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I am going to spend a lot of time today reading lots of your posts. I\’m at the point where I know I need to change, but it seems so daunting and hard, andyes, keeping my mouth shut seems so much easier than trying to say nice things, if only I could keep my mouth shut. This blog is a blessing!

    • peacefulwife
      August 1, 2012 at 11:02 am #

      Amarieproctor,

      Welcome! I’m so glad you’re here!

      May God richly bless your faith in Him, your obedience to His Word and your marriage and bring the greatest glory to Himself!

  5. Chrystal
    August 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    “Tearing down the idol of control makes things seem very out of control at first – you believed (probably since you were a child) that trying to control things kept you safe.” This has been true of everything/everybody in my life…. working on that. I’ve read a few things in your blog over the past few months. Think it’s time to start reading consistently. Thanks.

    • peacefulwife
      August 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

      You’re very welcome, Chrystal!

      If there are specific issues you are struggling with, let me know! aprilc@sc.rr.com

      May God richly bless your faith, your walk with Him, your marriage and your family for His greatest glory and your ultimate good.

  6. thedisgruntledhousewife
    August 1, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    Why is it that the burden of respect and submission is only on the wife? Why, why, why shouldn’t my husband have to submit to and respect me as well? We’re supposed to be equals in this partnership and, well, this doesn’t seem very equal.

    • peacefulwife
      August 1, 2012 at 6:46 pm #

      Thedisgruntledhousewife,
      Husbands and wives BOTH need respect and submission. Men tend to need and give respect. Women tend to need and give love. Women tend to have a hard time with respect. Men tend to have a hard time with love. We BOTH have to stretch and grow to learn to really have a holy, vibrant, fulfilling, intimate relationship. I believe God did that on purpose – to teach us to become more holy and to reach out to Him. We really can’t do this stuff on our own without His Spirit.

      But, the reason for the wife being the one to respect and submit is that God designed marriage. God designed men. God designed women. He knows what we need and He knows what makes marriage work. AND, probably most importantly – God designed marriage to showcase the very great mystery of the relationship between Christ and the church. That is not an equal relationship. The husband is to represent the sacrificial, selfless, endless love of Christ. The wife is to represent the reverence and submission and cooperation of the church to Christ’s leadership. Obviously – husbands are sinful humans, not diety. So it can be a challenge! Our culture tells us that marriage is “an equal partnership.” That isn’t really God’s design. Our culture says men and women are essentially the same and the roles are reversible. I didn’t find that to be true myself. God designated husbands to lead and wives to follow for His glory and His purposes and to teach the children in the family about God’s love and how to submit to God-given authority. Our culture threw out respect in the 1960s, so it is a really foreign concept to us today.

      In God’s eyes – husbands and wives have EQUAL VALUE. But they have different functions and roles in marriage to portray Christ and His bride. One role is not of lesser value than the other. But the only way to harmony and intimacy is to follow God’s design. It requires a LOT of humility. It requires STRONG FAITH IN GOD. I had to learn to trust that God was truly big enough to lead me through a sinful man. That is the biggest test of faith any woman has to endure, in my opinion! But His way leads to blessings and intimacy with Him and with our husbands that our own way never can lead to. I learned the hard way for 15 years that my way was destructive. I pray that you might find healing and direction in your marriage!

      If you still have questions – or it doesn’t make sense – I welcome your questions, your feelings, your concerns, and all of your comments.

      God bless you, precious sister!

  7. SeekingPeace
    August 2, 2012 at 7:46 am #

    Wow. Just wow. I just found your website yesterday. I had known for years that my wife didn’t seem to respect me much, but reading your blog posts made me realize just how much this has impacted our marriage and our relationship. I know that she loves me – deeply. But the respect is just not there. This is something that I have noticed for quite some time. Once I picked up on the disrespect it seemed to be seen everywhere. I will say that she comes about it honestly – her mother is the same way. So much so that her father is pretty much quiet and accommodating to his wife, not really giving much input on anything.
    I read your post “My Before and After” and I thought I was reading about my wife! At least, in the “before” part. What you went through, what you were feeling are all things that she has said to me. But here is my problem. She won’t talk to anyone about this. She won’t read any books. She won’t read anyone’s blog posts. She says that she wants to get everything from the Bible, but even there she skips over the things that would help our marriage and relationship. I have tried to get her to read a couple of books, to no avail. I have sent her links to a couple of respected, Christian marriage blogs, again to no avail. She refuses to look at them. Either she thinks she is already where she needs to be or she is afraid that she will find something wrong with her. Actually, one of her reasons for not going to see a counselor is that she is afraid the counselor will find something wrong that she will need to change. In my mind, that is all the more reason to go anyway.
    Any thoughts about what I can do? How can I get her to see this? She really needs her stress level reduced. I’m tired of being disconnected from my wife. Help?

    • peacefulwife
      August 2, 2012 at 8:19 am #

      Seaking Peace,

      This is a tough situation for a man to be in. You really can’t control what your wife does. Ultimately, she will have to be convicted in her own spirit about these things and decide to do them out of obedience to Christ.
      I don’t write for husbands – the Bible doesn’t give me authority over men to teach them.
      But I would encourage you that if even just ONE spouse begins working on his/her own side of the relationship and his/her own obedience to Christ – God’s power will come into your marriage and begin to cause miracles to happen.
      As you focus on loving your wife as Christ loves the church, your power will be in your gentleness, your kindness, your forgiveness, your grace for her, your selflessness… all the things Christ does for us that draw us to him, those same things will draw your wife to Christ and to you.

      There is a LOT going on in a wife’s soul when she is full of disrespect. It’s not a simple thing to fix. There is usually some type of idolatry of thinking she has to be in control. Many times, women learned as children that their parents weren’t in control of things, and they learned that they couldn’t trust God-given authority and weren’t safe entrusting themselves to other people. THey think if they have “control” they will be safe. This isn’t true! But it is a very deep-seated belief and usually involves putting self on the throne of her heart instead of God. She would never say or consciously think this, but that may be part of what is going on.
      And, our culture threw out respect for any God-given authority including husbands in the 1960s. So most women have ZERO examples of what a respectful wife looks like, or what respect even means. Most likely, your wife has NO IDEA what respect is to you and she very likely has no clue the pain she is causing you or what she is even doing or saying that is disrespectful. I know that seems crazy – because the disrespect is so blatant and in your face to you. But most likely, she believes she is unloved and she is reacting to her pain. If you can address her hurt and pain and HUGE FEAR – you may be able to get through to her.

      IF you found an article about anxiety, fear, worry and loneliness – she may be willing to look at it. When a wife is controlling and disrespectful, these are the symptoms that will let her know there is a problem.

      Once she does see the enormity of her sin before God and before you – it will take some time for her to learn the new foreign language of respect. It is extremely counter-intuitive for women to be respectful. We operate in the realm of love and respect does not compute for us! But she can learn it – if she is willing.

      Your best chance of her seeing what you see is to uphold the commands of God for you as a husband, in my view.

      Does that help at all?

    • peacefulwife
      August 2, 2012 at 8:21 am #

      Seeking Peace,
      OH!
      You are welcome to check out my husband’s blog http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com
      And you also may want to check out the CMBA members blog list at the top of my home page – there are husbands who blog for men on that list who have some very empowering stuff!

  8. Charissa
    August 3, 2012 at 11:41 am #

    Hey there,

    I think I’ve read one of your blog posts (through another blog) a while ago, but didn’t ‘investigate’ further at that point. Two days ago, though, I ended up here again and… well, let’s just say that I’ve cried a good deal, apologised and am now trying to start this whole journey (it’s a good thing I enjoy learning! So much to learn!).

    I’m actually going through the posts with a notebook handy (to just jot down things that really surprise me that I’m sure I’ll need to revise again, and again… and again).

    I’m getting married August 20th and I am SO glad I have realised I have been attempting to make things work in in the worst way possible!

    I’m already terrified of failing and messing up. But it’s such a relief to know that I don’t have to do things by myself. Possibly even harder to realise than that I’ve been so disrespectful to my soon-to-be-husband is that I’m even MORE disrespectful and distrusting of God. Yes, I’ve always been a perfectionist and control freak, and obviously I was almost-always ‘right’.

    I just wanted to tell you ‘thank you SO much’!

    And a sort-of-question… Do you think that disrespecting/not trusting the authorities in our lives (most importantly God and our husbands but also other authorities which are rightfully ‘ranked’ above us) could be connected to depression?

    • peacefulwife
      August 3, 2012 at 9:14 pm #

      Charissa,
      Thanks for your comment! You can’t begin to imagine what I would give to be able to have known this stuff BEFORE I got married! Our honeymoon was wonderful and then we quickly hit rockbottom the first 3 months of our marriage and set some HORRIBLE dynamics in place that continued on destructively for 15 years of our 19+ years of marriage.
      Thank God you are figuring this out now!!!!!

      Your question is a REALLY, REALLY important one. I need to write a blog post about this VERY soon!

      YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Living in idolatry or disobedience to God’s Word (which includes rebelling against God-given authority like the government, parents, bosses, teachers and husbands) can NEVER bring the fruit of the Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.
      When we live in opposition to God – He is against us. He will not allow us to experience His spiritual blessings. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. My pride for those 15 years kept me from seeing answers to my prayers about my husband and my marriage. I would sometimes pray for 4 hours/day but I was prideful and arrogant about it. I was disrespectful toward my husband and toward God. I tried to control my husband and God. And I did NOT experience God’s peace. I had anxiety and depression – absolutely!

      There are other causes of depression, to be sure.
      But disobedience to God and grieving His Spirit can certainly cause depression, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, worry, fear… and many other awful things.

      God will not let us be satisfied with idols or with any god but Himself. Those spiritual fruits are signs to us to tell us to check our obedience, our motives and our hearts.

      Great question!

  9. Emily C
    August 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    I am so much more thankful than you will ever know that I have found your blog. After 14 years we are trying to rebuild a very broken marriage and this particular post is my journey…you read my mail! I will continue to follow you in hopes of learning the skills and gaining the encouragement that I can do this. I feel 50 ft under in a pit of muck. Thankful to God and you for this provision.

  10. freshvision
    August 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    Thank you for the August 2nd post with the great starting place for many wives. I am absorbing this like a sponge and having a time realizing how much I need to do. Your blog is beyond helpful and a true gift from God.

    • peacefulwife
      August 6, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

      You are VERY welcome! I appreciate your feedback greatly!

      Sent from my iPhone

  11. lizw0214
    September 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    My comments are similar to many above…a 14-year marriage that is severely broken, more pain in my heart than I can express, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, sadness on so many levels. I hope it’s not too late – my husband has voiced a desire to “be happy” and his description of “happy” doesn’t seem to include me. I asked for time, patience, and grace while I work on me. Just don’t know if there is that much time, patience and grace, or if it will do any good in this marriage in the long run. I’m seeing an amazing Christian counselor, and finding your blog feels like a life preserver. I have taken spiritual steps to remove pride and justice from my self, replacing with God’s grace and peace. I just feel so beaten down by this disrespect thing, and my husband’s physical, emotional and spiritual withdrawal, that I feel hopeless, afraid, and so so sad. I could go on and on about what I’ve been thinking as I read through your blogs. Thank you for all you’re doing to get us educated!

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

      You are very welcome! I’m glad you are sharing your heart break. I’ll walk through this with you. There is MUCH reason for great hope!

  12. Nicki
    February 26, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

    I can’t believe I found this! I’m struggling with this immensely! I have tried and tried and tried! Out of desperation I googled how to be a quiet wife! That was my last resort, the last and only thing I could think of! I’ve been struggling with this for years, my husband is at his breaking point! It’s so hard for me to give up control! I’m going to read this daily! Everything I’ve read has not really got through to me, but this sure did! I’m so thankful, I pray I can give up the control! Thank you so much

    • peacefulwife
      February 27, 2013 at 6:53 am #

      Nicki,

      I am so glad to hear from you! Please keep reading, you may want to read the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission. And if you want to talk about anything, let me know!! :). May God richly bless your walk with Him and your marriage!

      • Nicki Bennett
        February 27, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

        Hi, thank you for responding, I wanted to share with you what I believe my whole issue with being a surrendered wife really is and I look forward to your feedback! I believe in my mind that if I do these things, I will lose my identity! I am a new Christian and have only just begun my walk with God! But I fear I will no longer have choices or dreams! I fear I won’t be able to pursue my interests. I know that this way of thinking is selfish, but I’m just very confused, will I still be me? Will I still have excitement and fun? I don’t know if I trust my husband not to take advantage of the situation. It’s all just very scary to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional house and my mother was a drug addict, so it’s like that’s all I had was my identity, that was the only thing I could control, I’m just afraid to take the risk, because I’ve been so hurt, deep in my heart I know I can trust God, but I’m not sure how to let my husband take the lead! Thank you so much for your time,
        Nicki

        Sent from my iPhone

        • peacefulwife
          February 27, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

          Well – I think I can help you with that!

          As a Christian – your identity is to be found totally in Jesus. He becomes the most important thing/person in your life. Being a Christian means we die to our old sinful self. We give up our wisdom, our plans, our purposes, our priorities, our lives, our time, our money, our relationships, our dreams – all that we are and lay it all at Jesus’ feet. Then we pick up our new self in Him. Now our life becomes all about HIS will, His purposes, His plans, His dreams, His goals, His wisdom, His presence, His power and His glory.

          So as a Christian, you first submit yourself totally to Jesus. We all do – or that is what is supposed to happen! That is what it means when we call Jesus our “Lord.” Many people call themselves Christians today and do not live with Jesus as Lord – unfortunately. So it is no longer about what you want – it is about what Jesus wants. That becomes your whole life’s dream.

          You will still have your personality. And when you honor your husband’s leadership – you still SHOULD say what you want, what you don’t want and how you feel. But you will learn to do it respectfully so that he can hear it most powerfully and care the most about your desires. You will ultimately be trusting a perfect God to lead you through your imperfect man. It is not really about if you can trust your husband – it is really about if you can trust God. I have MANY posts about this – you may want to scroll through the blog timeline at the top of my page and read some more posts. Also there are some posts linked at the top of my page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission that may be helpful.

          And here is a post you might like about a real life example of submission and respect

          And there is a post about being a good follower here

          You may also want to check out some of my Youtube videos

          Let me know if you have more questions or concerns! Much love to you!

  13. gambillswife
    May 1, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

    I have just began this journey, you are so right about how one feels as if they have fallen into a bottomless pit. I haven’t cried this much in a long time, it is heart breaking to know how disrespectful I had been to my husband and the commandment that I had disobeyed. I feel as I’ve let God and my husband down. I look forward to this wonderful journey I have begun.

  14. gambillswife
    May 1, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

    This was a much needed, I’ve just started this journey. It’s almost depressing knowing that I have disobeyed God and disrespected my husband so much. I thought I was a good wife, little did I know that if given a grade it’d been an F ! If there are any other wife’s that have any encouraging words for a beginner or maybe your a beginner and want to talk….. Please email me ! God is Great !!

    Brandyleegambill@icloud.com

    • peacefulwife
      May 1, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

      Gambillswife,

      You may also want to check out my FB page. We have discussions there a lot. I hope to be able to respond in greater detail later tonight. I don’t want you to feel alone! You are in good company! Most of us thought we were awesome Christian wives. It is a huge shock to find out we have been unintentionally wounding our husbands. Check out the posts at the top of my home page. Also you can scroll on the blog timeline and see titles for posts in the past. Some last fall and summer were about wives first starting this journey. Also check out my YouTube channel “April Cassidy”. The more basic and foundational topics are towards the beginning. I would love to walk beside you on this journey! My email is aprilc@sc.rr.com.

      There is even a post last week that my husband wrote that you may want to show your husband in the next week or so if he is a believer. :)

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!!!!!

      • gambillswife
        May 1, 2013 at 5:45 pm #

        Peacefulwife,

        I don’t feel alone, just feel quite overwhelmed with everything. I stumbled upon our blog just a few days ago, and what an eye opener it has been. I am thankful for all your Godly advice, it has helped me in the past few days. Yes, my husband is a believer. He help lead me back to Our Lord Jesus Christ. I’m still trying to find my way around all your blogs, I’ve enjoyed your YouTube videos as well. I Strive to be the wife God wants me to be. I can’t express the guilt I have felt the past 3 days, and the conviction that has came over me. It’s been a a Blessing

        I’d love for you to walk beside me on this journey….
        Brandy

        • peacefulwife
          May 1, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

          Brandy,

          I had no mentor, no Internet resources, no godly examples when I discovered my disrespect and control in Dec 2008. I spent 3 days crying and apologizing to my husband over and over. He forgave me for 14.5 years of constant disrespect and control immediately. That blew my mind!

          So I suddenly knew I had been disrespectful, but I needed a Respect and Biblical Submission for Dummies course because I had no idea what was and was not disrespectful or respectful or how to stop controlling or that there were idols deeply involved. I felt like there was this massive new world of masculinity suddenly opened up to me, but I was walking through a minefield blindly.

          It is my prayer that this blog and the Youtube videos and FB page might help the women coming behind me to connect the dots a bit more easily than I did. It is not an instant process. It is definitely overwhelming at first. Here, you have all the information, but there is so much, you can’t possibly absorb it all and change everything immediately. So you will be giving a lot of grace to yourself as you learn.

          If you have specific questions, let me know! I will do my best to point you to Christ and obedience to His Word and to give you the support you need. :)

          With much love to you, my precious sister in Christ!

          April

          • gambillswife
            May 2, 2013 at 11:29 am #

            It hit me suddenly as well, I had been praying for Jesus to help give me guidance on being the wife and mother that God wants me to be. I read my Bible 2 or 3 times a day to find inner peace and guidance. I had never had an example of a respectful wife, so to me I wasn’t that bad compared to everyone else I knew. But what I came to realize that I was just as disrespectful and disobedient as everyone else was. That’s not the way I believe, I believe in being obedient to Our Lord Jesus Christ. I believe Jesus wanted me to find your blogs, to help show me what is truly expected of a Wife in his eyes. I want to Thank You for not giving up on your Journey to become ” The Peaceful Wife “, you have touched so many people’s lives.

            • peacefulwife
              May 2, 2013 at 3:00 pm #

              Gambillswife,
              It sounds like Jesus answered your prayers! :)

              I also believe that every wife who reads my blog is a divine appointment. I pray that God might speak to you through me by His strength and with His wisdom.

              I also always thought I was being obedient to God. It was the shock of my life to realize I wasn’t.

              I am beyond thankful that God is somehow able to take my years of sin and disobedience and disrespect and control and use it for His glory. Nothing is wasted in God’s economy! :)

  15. lavina
    June 6, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

    my experience with this has been confusing. As God began showing me where I have been controlling and disrespectful and I have been apologizing to my husband for.those times, my husband has not been happy with my change at all. If anything, my surrendering has pushed him further away than ever. Thank goodness that I am surrendering for the purpose of pleasing God. Otherwise, all my changing would be for nothing. I thought being respectful should would bring about greater closeness, can anyone explain why it is making things worse?

    • peacefulwife
      June 6, 2013 at 9:27 pm #

      Lavina,
      I’m so glad you wrote to me! I think I may be able to explain what is happening.

      – Men usually HATE change. They would rather things be the same and predictable than change for the better and be different sometimes.
      – He is probably trying to get you to do the old familiar “dance” that you always do with him.
      – He is probably SCARED to death of what is going on and he wants to just have the old you back so he can feel more comfortable.
      – He may not be excited about more responsibilities at first and may not realize what is in it for him.

      Check out the post my husband wrote “When She Surrendered” at the top of my home page for my husband’s perspective.

      It can take weeks or months, maybe longer, for things to really click.

      What is he saying?

      Is he a believer in Christ?

      Another thing I have seen is that sometimes if the wife stops sinning, the husband is confronted with his own sin. He does not like to have to face that! So sometimes he will try to get his wife to do the old controlling things so that he can blame her for the problems.

      Does this help?

      You are welcome to share more if you would like and we will hash through this together!

      • lavina
        June 7, 2013 at 12:51 am #

        hi! and thank you for the pep talk lol. At this time my husband isn’t speaking to me.He was starting a new job and I would send encouraging texts and that I appreciated his hard work. A few times he has threatened to divorce me, and to that I would only reply ” whatever you want to do is fine with me. ” I also thanked him for being a good provider, husband and friend during the time we’ve been together.He knows of Christ, and when we talk or I am around he looks so sad! I don’t bring up any of his mistakes, I’m just happy to be with him…I know God has him, because he has done wonderfuly sweet things for me, when he has said he wouldn’t. I just don’t understand the attitude. Yes, he has tons more responsibilty and I no longer argue or complain about his choices, but he gets really mad when decisions don’t work

  16. lavina
    June 7, 2013 at 1:28 am #

    hi again, I’m not sure if you received my last reply.In case you didn’t, basically my husband isn’t speaking to me right now, and all I have been is friendly and happy to hear from him. He has even threatend to divorce me, to which I replied “whatever you want to do is fine with me. Thank you for being a great husband, provider and friend during these few years” I know longer argue, it stresses me out, however when he makes a decision and it
    turns out to not being a good one, or an idea of mine actually was better, he tries to blame me , which surrendering is helpful in winning that discussion. If you tell me the sky is purple,I’ll say ok, but dont get an attitude when you find our its actually blue…lastly, I have changed in the sinning department, but I don’t think he has stopped his yet.

    • peacefulwife
      June 7, 2013 at 9:01 am #

      Lavina,

      Hmmm…. How long have you been working on respect and biblical submission?

      How often are you texting him?

      It is fine to say what you want and how you feel. “I don’t want a divorce.” And you can just leave it hanging like that.

      Or you can say, “I don’t want a divorce, but I trust God to give you wisdom to lead us.”

      Or sometimes, following I Peter 3:1-6 is necessary. If your husband is far from God, talking about spiritual things, God, church, the Bible, etc… will repel him from you and God.

      How long have you been married?

      I’m glad you are not arguing. It is ok to say how you feel or what you want respectfully, calmly, softly, humbly, gently.

      As he learns to lead – he will make mistakes.

      I am praying for wisdom for you!!!!!

      What does he say he wants in the marriage?

      • Lavina
        June 7, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

        Good morning,
        I have been working on biblical respect for about a year, at first he was pleased, but as some things he agreed was his responsibility fell through, and I did not shame him about, or rather didn’t even mention, but kept the same respectful attitude and forgiveness, he has started drifting further away. I haven’t spoken to him about the Lord much, but at one time, he would be the one to bring God up, to which I would then reply to him. My husband hasn’t been raised to be a good husband, and I told him that I love him and accept him for what he can give, and I get my emotional needs fulfilled by the Lord. We have been married for 2 yrs, and as far as texting him, I’ve stopped because they weren’t answered. When we first got married, he appreciated me sending messages wishing him a good day, etc now they bother him…
        My times, I have asked for him, to tell me what he wants in a marriage, and I haven’t receivedmuch of an answer, except peace and understanding, but the more I try, the worse things get. It’s so strange, just a few weeks ago he was talking about going to church, and that he prayed for God to bless me, and now, after I mentioned that I was happy God answered my pray by giving him a new job, he’s been mean. There was this one time, I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of weeks, I prayed that God would let me hear from him. The next day I received an email from him, stating he was wanted out of the marriage. I was just so relieved and happy to hear from him and that he was okay. he wanted to talk about the divorce, and I told whatever he wanted to do was fine with me, I was just so glad God answered my prayer,by hearing from him. After I texted that, I didn’t hear from him anymore that day, even though I was willing to talk to him about the divorce…it’s like if he brings up God, it’s ok, but if I mention anything, he ignores it.
        Thank you for helping me with this…
        P.S. I need to tell you that I stopped telling him what I need or anything, it upsets him, but I have started praying to God what I needed, and sometimes it’s would be my husband God uses to help me. I’m always grateful, and I don’t say ” I prayed for God to make you do this or anything” I just thank God for answering my prayer, however He wants to answer it.

        • peacefulwife
          June 7, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

          Lavina,
          I agree about not mentioning God. He may feel you are not giving him credit for the work he does if you say God gave him the job?

          Yes, thank God for the answers, but he clearly can’t hear about God from you.

          Praying for you! I know He is at work in both of you.

  17. KarenE
    August 13, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    Haha, I wish I could say that it’s only taken a year to fix myself. I began my Christian walk in the summer of 2008, when I was prompted by God’s hand (literally – felt like He smacked me upside my head for being so stubborn and refusing to attend church, even though He had been encouraging me [commanding me] to go for months) to begin attending a local church. I mustered up the courage to ask a friend to go with me – turns out she had been having the same urges and was mustering up the courage to ask ME to go with her…HAHA! I love how God’s plans come together.

    I knew God wanted me there….but I didn’t know why. I knew that I was ready to bail on my marriage, abandon my child and my husband, in hopes of greener pastures. I was convinced that his problems, his hang ups, his habits, were the root of our crumbling marriage. I was ready to take that leap of “faith” and abandon it all. THEN, for the first time in my life, I actually obeyed God. I wasn’t raised in a church. I didn’t know much about Christ or God…only that Christ was God’s son, sent down to save us. But I knew that God wanted me in THAT church NOW and I was going to have to go whether I liked it or not.

    That following year, in late winter, I accepted Christ as my Savior and have been blessed time and time again as I began to grasp an understanding of what it meant to be righteous. Still not knowing what God wanted from me, why He wanted me in church, why He commanded me to go to THIS church – I attended my first Women’s Retreat in the spring of 2010. Still clinging onto my marriage – frustrated, alone, unloved, resentful, full of despair – I rode up into the mountains with some friends. The theme of the 2 1/2 day retreat – Proverbs 31, A Virtuous Woman. WHOA! I ran head first into a brick wall. I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t speak…I couldn’t whimper…all I could do was cry…and cry…and cry….and cry…and cry. That weekend – our Ladies Ministry, God, Proverbs 31, and a fountain of tears – changed my life forever.

    It’s been a little over 3 years and I still have a long road ahead of me. It’s been hard…it’s been covered with tears and a tremendous amount of healing, but I now know why God was determined to get me to go to THAT church. Why God was determined to save me. Why God was so determined to save my marriage…my relationship with my husband…and my relationship with my daughter. When I came face to face with the revelation of my sins (and oh boy – there were MANY of them) against my husband, against my marriage, against my daughter, and against God – I fell to my knees and begged God for His forgiveness, for His mercy, His grace, His wisdom, and His strength. I’ve had to work really hard to undo the damage I had done to my marriage, my relationship with my husband, the pain I had caused him, and to restore intimacy. It’s been a long, hard road – but so incredibly worth the time and energy! I still fall. I still sometimes say things I shouldn’t say, in a tone I shouldn’t use, in a manner unbecoming a godly wife…but I am not going to give up. I ask for God’s forgiveness and keep trying.

    It’s easier now…and I’m able to lock up my lips and think twice before I turn the lock and loose them again. There’s so much more peace and respect in our marriage than there ever has been. Several bible studies later and messages from our pastor – and I’m a brand new person, thanks to Christ – my personal Lord and Savior. April, thank you for your blog. You and your blog has been a tremendous blessing to me! You’ve provided me with tools and techniques to help guide me on my journey. When I prayed and asked for help and guidance, I received you. You are such a blessing for us who are struggling to right a wrong and to become the godly wives He intended us to be. Thank you, April! God bless you. In Christ, Karen.

    • peacefulwife
      August 13, 2013 at 12:19 pm #

      KarenE,
      I wonder if you might allow me to share this anonymously as a post?

      Such a beautiful story of God at work in your life!

      • KarenE
        September 12, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

        Hi April. Sorry for the delay…took me this long to find the post and get back to the comments. I’ve got a figure out how this all works better! Yes, you may share this post! If my story will help even only one person, I’m okay with that!

    • Tam
      September 1, 2013 at 12:28 am #

      I turned to Christ when I had all but given up on my marriage two years ago. What I expected was that God would give me the strength to get through a bitter divorce and let me keep my Son in the end. What he told me to do was go back home and try again (1Cor 7:10-16). Trying to be obedient to God for the first time in my life while still thinking I knew better brought tears and frustration. I thought that miracles would happen straight away! That is that my husband would fix everything he was doing wrong, apologise to me, find God and then we would live happily ever after. It didn’t really occur to me that the miracles happen inside our own hearts first.
      Even your account of what church to go to is similar to mine. I’m still not sure why I need to be in this particular church, there are some scriptural principles I’m kinda not ok with; but somehow I know that this is where I need to be right now.
      I’m still at the beginning of doing this journey. God is convicting me of my sin and showing me the multitude of ways I hurt Him, my husband, the rest of my family and anyone who tried to help me. And He’s teaching me how to live differently by His will.
      I’m so grateful to you for sharing Karen, thank you Lord for allowing us to hear from women like Karen and April in the progressive journey to become the wives You want for us to be.
      Much love Tam

      • peacefulwife
        September 1, 2013 at 7:34 am #

        Tam,

        God’s ways are definitely not our ways – and I am SO THANKFUL for that now! :)

        Thank you for sharing all that He is doing in you. It’s so very beautiful!!!!!!!!

        Much love,
        April

      • KarenE
        September 12, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

        You are welcome, Tam! May God continue to reveal to you His desires for your life, your heart, and your family. God bless, Karen.

  18. Tami
    October 18, 2013 at 6:04 pm #

    I am making a paper chain link till the end of the year to help me to get through each day of this new phase. :)

    • peacefulwife
      October 18, 2013 at 7:22 pm #

      Tami,
      We used to do that to count down the days till Christmas when we were kids. Love that idea! ;)

      • Tami
        October 19, 2013 at 9:37 am #

        I have been reading all of these relationship books for years and trying to change. I read Love and Respect and was soooo mad because the author keeps saying over and over that you need to respect your husband but gives no specific ways to do that. I prayed, “Lord, I need a list!” and two days ago I found the list on your blog. The other thing I learned from that book was that ‘laying your cards out on the table’ and confronting your husband in an argumentative way will never work because he will feel criticized. But they didnt give examples of how to communicate the right way. I had already done some of what you suggest on my own. I gave my husband his paycheck and let him manage it, I made our room into a ‘man cave’ to give him space that he needed. I relied and begged God to speak to his heart and bless him and give him relief from me when I had upset him. I thank God for your blog because you took all of the books I have read (except the surrendered wife, Im reading that now) and summed them up. You gave me hope also because you weren’t just TELLING people how to succeed, you already applied it to your life. It just was perfect timing to discover your blog and video’s. We are establishing respect in our house for the first time. That includes making sure the teens (we have 5) are being respectful too. My reasons for seeing a need for change was I realized I didn’t understand my teen sons way of thinking because I didn’t understand men(I read For Women Only for that). Then I realized that I couldn’t require good behavior from my teens if I didn’t model it and God showed me that I had been acting the same way to my husband as my kids were to me. Another fear was, ‘What kind of older woman will I become?’ I’m 42 now and my husband and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary. I can see our kids will be gone soon enough and if our kids were the foundation of our relationship, then we are in trouble. Of course, Christ should be the center and foundation. That is another good point you deal with in your blog, idolatry. Plenty of those that were covered in invisible paint around me. Didn’t know I had them and definitely don’t want to keep them. I am hoping that as I keep relying on the Lord for being quiet and giving up control, I won’t need any medicine for anxiety anymore. Anyway, I know this has been a long comment. Thanks for letting God use you in a powerful way and I am amazed that you can respond to people’s comments. I’m sure you get a lot of them.

      • Tami
        October 19, 2013 at 12:41 pm #

        …and I have to attach a black link for any day that I start a fight or explode or am blatantly rude as a reminder.

  19. Tami
    October 19, 2013 at 8:58 am #

    This is where I am at right now. I used to try to do this change only with my husband but then realized that the disrespect was everywhere with everyone. I can’t just treat my husband with respect, I need to treat everyone with respect. I used to try to let up on my husband but still hang on to trying to change my sister or friend or grown child.

    • peacefulwife
      October 19, 2013 at 10:26 am #

      Tami,
      I love hearing from you!

      Yes! I treated lots of other extended family members with disrespect, too, and had to go humbly apologize to each of them.

      There is much to learn! I praise God that He is using this blog to help you on your journey with Him. :). This is the stuff I couldn’t find and desperately needed when I was trying to start becoming respectful and trying to learn to trust God instead of self.

      It is scary at first – but SO worth it!!

      Let me know if you need anything! :). I am excited about what God is doing in your life!!!! :)

  20. tobynnealicia
    March 3, 2014 at 8:13 pm #

    Nearly two years after you’ve posted, this speaks to my heart. God is so cool in His timing!
    I have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now, and it might just contain the tools I need (or the instructions on how to use them at least! Lol…) to save my marriage. THANK YOU for putting yourself out there, and being real and willing to share. Your message is one that I’m sure isn’t popular in the world, but is key to the success of (all) marriages. What a difference we’d see in the divorce rate if more couples understood this principle better!
    This phrase stood out to me today, “as he feels more and more respected, your husband will begin to care even more about your feelings and will often do what you want just because he wants to see you happy.” What you’re describing here is how “Christ loves the church”. It’s awesome to think of our husbands wanting to delight us. It’s EVEN MORE AMAZING to know that this is how Jesus loves and thinks of us. Thanks for the beautiful picture.

    • peacefulwife
      March 3, 2014 at 9:43 pm #

      Alicia,

      It is such a pleasure to meet you! It is my daily prayer that God use each post in this blog to speak to wives who are hurting and struggling and to point them to Christ and His wisdom and His Word. We have been so tainted by our culture, even in the church, we don’t realize how far we are from God’s standards and His commands. I sure didn’t. How I thank God that He opened my eyes and showed me this narrow, unpopular, Life-giving path of His. I felt like I was reinventing the wheel to learn all of this stuff, and ask God to help me connect the dots closer for those who come behind me, that we might leave a godly legacy to all who follow us.

      I am so excited about what you are learning and what God is doing in your heart!!! No, this is not a popular message sometimes. But, it is the wisdom, power, beauty, purpose and strength of God for our marriages. I pray along with you that God might make you into the woman He wants you to be for His glory, and I pray for God’s power and healing for your marriage. I hope you will stay with us and join us on this amazing adventure with Christ!

      Much love
      April

  21. Jeanne
    April 7, 2014 at 1:10 pm #

    April, I just wanted to ask a question. I know the progress on this is slow and I’m not expecting major changes to happen quickly…but its been a month since he’s threatened to leave or really said any of the mean things he says when he’s upset. It has been more peaceful at home. Then on Saturday night, I found out he didn’t do something that he said he would. I wasn’t irate or crazy about it, but I did push it and get upset. He immediately went to saying “This is why we will never work. This is why I don’t want to be with you. Who would want to be married to you?” and he mentioned moving out again. I was sad about what he said but he didn’t care. He never apologized, but we were hanging out and he kept asking me to sit with him and when I finally did he cuddled me for the next couple of hours. I remembered your post about how men sometimes extend apologies in different ways and maybe that was it. But how do I deal with him saying things like that? I feel like I’ve ruined all progress and its so discouraging thinking I’m really just one mistake away from him being “done” with me. It feels like a lot of pressure. Its not unusual for him to say things he doesn’t mean when he’s upset but hearing all those things again was painful.
    I know he doesn’t feel safe with me yet and I totally understand that and I know it could be a long time before he does. I have so far to go too.

    If you don’t have time to respond, thats okay. It helps to reread the posts and write things out.
    Love,
    Jeanne

    • peacefulwife
      April 7, 2014 at 2:40 pm #

      I have my internet again! WOOHOO!

      Jeanne,

      It seems to me that him asking you to sit with him and cuddle was probably his extending you an olive branch. It doesn’t sound like you ruined everything!

      There will be times when we stumble. And there will be times our husbands mess up. We get back up and keep seeking God and seek to make restoration as best we can, trying to be sensitive to God’s Spirit.

      It is obvious to me from his actions that he DID care that you were upset, and it seems to me he was trying to make things up to you if he was willing to cuddle for hours! Actions mean more than words to most men.

      Just keep seeking God and we will trust God to work in his heart. If you want to talk about what you were upset about and what you said and possible other options – we can.

      I think you are getting back on track. And if you know that he says things he doesn’t mean when he is upset – please interpret them that way – that he is upset – he is saying hurtful things that he will regret soon. You may believe God wants you to just offer him grace. You may believe God wants you to talk about that you feel hurt.

      In time, I believe he will be more responsive to your feelings. If he is still far from God, your assignment is I Peter 3:1-6. Sometimes more talking just causes problems at that stage. So you will definitely want to do a lot of praying before you do much talking about feelings or telling him what to do or trying to address any sin in his life.

      Much love!

      • Jeanne
        April 7, 2014 at 3:49 pm #

        April,

        Thank you so much for this response. You’re probably right about him extending an olive branch by cuddling. I guess it feels weird to act “normal” after you’ve been told those things. But I did try to let it go and everything was good that night and the next day.

        I think I really do understand the situation and what my response should have been. It actually was a lot better than it would have been in the past, so thats a good thing, but it was still disrespectful.
        My response was out of fear of me not being in control of something. I’m wrestling with that now. I know that its good for these things to happen in the sense that its exposing the fears that I need to deal with.

        And yes, I do believe he’s still far from God so I am trying to do less talking still for both of our sakes. Still trying to stay in the quiet phase, so hard sometimes!

        Thank you so much!
        Love,
        Jeanne

        • peacefulwife
          April 7, 2014 at 7:25 pm #

          Jeanne,

          This will probably get better in time. You will learn not to do the disrespectful stuff, and when you do slip up, you will probably be able to get back on track more and more quickly.

          If you want words to solidify the reconciliation, you can certainly say something like “I’m sorry, too” when he asks to cuddle or “apology accepted.” Or, you can just breathe and relax and realize this is your husband’s way of saying, “I really do love you. I am so sorry I hurt you. Let me show you that you are my biggest priority.”

          I am so excited about the steps you are taking. :)

          • Lena
            April 17, 2014 at 3:01 pm #

            Hello April :

            I have been married for only 6 months. It has been really hard. I am very thankful God lead me to read the post you have here . It greatly help me to get on the right track of my marriage . I was being very disrespectful to my husband. My pride and controlling constantly make me feel my husband is not good enough for me . Your post is a turning point for our relationship . I start to make the change at my end and i can see the difference on both me and husband immediately . My heart is full of joy and peace that I finally have a break through in my marriage . I really wish I could come cross your post before I even got married . Thank you for the blessings and I really appreciate what you do for God.

            • peacefulwife
              April 17, 2014 at 4:32 pm #

              Lena,
              Thank God!!! I am so excited about what he is doing in your heart!!!! I can’t wait to see what He has in store for you!!!

  22. Stephanie
    April 17, 2014 at 9:07 pm #

    Hi April,
    I pray you are having a wonderful week off with your family.
    I am in the quiet phase for about a year now. I can mostly keep my MOUTH quiet, but my husband has said that my BODY LANGUAGE speaks volumes for how I feel. He says steam is coming out of my ears. Do you have a post for what I can physically do with myself at that moment when I am being quiet but my body language conveys something negative. How can I stop doing this. I am thinking pray, but I would love to know more.
    Thank you
    Steph

    • peacefulwife
      April 18, 2014 at 8:37 am #

      Stephanie,
      How is your walk with Christ going?
      Are you dealing with a lot of bitterness and resentment?

      Check out my YouTube channel “April Cassidy” – I have two videos on nonverbal disrespect. They may be helpful. :)

      Are you experiencing the Spirit of God having control? Are you at peace in Christ?

      What is it that you believe you need to be happy?

      What are your greatest fears?

  23. prayingwife79
    April 20, 2014 at 1:15 pm #

    I am quieter in my marriage now overall due to the large amounts of words and demands and (unknowingly) pointing out how I was superior in thoughts, decisions and actions for too many years (over 9 years). My husband still has difficulty leading and gets frustrated when I don’t tell him what to do in certain situations. I am at a loss.
    Today’s example: we came home from church to change clothes before going to my moms to celebrate Easter and my birthday. He asked when we were leaving. I said we can leave now if you like or we can relax for 20-30 minutes and then leave. He sits down and puts in a dvd and watches an episode of a sitcom. When it was over, I said okay we need to get going. He said, “already. I thought we could watch another show.” (Sitcoms are 20+min on a dvd?) I said we are to be there at 1:00…he says again I thought we could watch another. I replied ” if you’d like to watch another then we will.” (In a calm voice really not understandig this conversation) he asked why can’t I just say yes or no?

    the answer to that is that In my mind I had given him the information to make an educated decision and he still chose to do what he liked making us late. I am frustrated. This happens at least once a week or every other. I feel like I give my opinion but when it isn’t what my husband wants to do he continues to ask me searching for a conflict. He did this with a purchase last week that was a medium purchase. He asked my opinion about it, I stated that it might be best to wait a few weeks since it wasn’t a pertinent purchase. He let it go then for the next 2-3 days he researched even more expensive items and continued to talk about getting them. I asked why was he looking at more expensive options. What was wrong with the cheaper option he picked out? He said I never gave him an answer on that one. Let me remind you I did! I said maybe we should wait. I am being quieter and being respectful… But I do not know how to reach my husband with my words when I don’t agree with him.

    • peacefulwife
      April 20, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

      Prayingwife79,

      If there is a certain time you need to leave – it is fine to say, “I’d like to leave at 12:30, please, if that works for you, Honey.”

      He doesn’t have to decide every single thing. If there are areas where you have preferences, or where he doesn’t really care one way or the other – share your heart and what you would like to do politely and respectfully.

      Check out my new videos on my Youtube channel, “April Cassidy” – I think they may be helpful! :)

  24. Nichole
    May 29, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

    I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your courage and honesty to write about this. I have been begging God to show me how to change because I am the former You. I can sense that a revival is happening in my soul because I get glimpses of what it COULD be like if I would just allow God to change me but I get So. Scared. Of giving up control. This post although terrifying is extremely hopeful to me because it gives me hope that the pain I’m enduring is worth it. I literally feel like God spoke toeme through your post because it answered every question I was begging God to answer. Thank you for your obedience to God; it has been such a blessing to me.

    • peacefulwife
      May 30, 2014 at 6:44 am #

      Nichole,
      I’m so thrilled God has brought you here! And I am very excited about what He is showing you.

      You may want to search the following terms on my home page search bar:
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – lead
      – leader
      – control
      – insecurity
      – contentment
      – discontentment
      – expectations
      – stages of this journey

      And, many posts at the top of my home page are also a great place to start.

      Let me know how you are doing! :) I am praying for God’s glory and His healing in your life and marriage.

  25. jessica
    June 10, 2014 at 12:43 am #

    April, your posts are so dense and so convicting. Sometimes I can’t read through the whole thing at one time :-) I have following you for sometime and am struggling through many things. This post is where I find myself right now. I am silent. The part I relate to most now is:”So it is very frustrating at first. In my view, this is THE MOST DIFFICULT and FRUSTRATING part of the whole transformation into becoming a godly, submissive, respectful wife with a gentle and quiet spirit that does not give way to fear. You know you have a problem. You know you’ve done wrong – maybe a LOT of wrong. But you have almost no tools to change it yet or to make it better. I felt like I was walking through a minefield and didn’t know when I would accidentally step on something by doing something wrong.” I am afraid to talk because when I talk even if I don’t mean to, I can never say anything right. I am so afraid that I withhold things. I am convicted that I am not being truthful, but am afraid to be truthful because I may not say something right and the wrath will come. It has been much easier just to stay quiet, but that is not the answer because we have become less connected more than ever before it seems. I am in a rut that I seem not to be able to navigate out of. The good thing out of the suffering is that I am more diligent and have more zeal for Christ, but my relationship with my husband is not improving. I can’t seem to apply the principles that I am supposed to be learning. I am praying for a deep change of heart. Thanks for your website and resources. At least I don’t feel as alone as before.

    • peacefulwife
      June 10, 2014 at 7:25 am #

      Jessica,

      My sweet sister!

      What are some of the things you would like to say but are not sure how to say? Maybe we can talk about ways to approach those things that would be respectful. I don’t want you to continue on in silence forever. It is important to learn to share our hearts respectfully. Let’s talk about this together! :)

  26. SeekingPeace
    August 2, 2012 at 8:46 am #

    Thanks for all the kind feedback. I am committed to loving my wife and have practiced that for years, in many ways – in service, time spent with her (when she’s not busy!), protecting and providing. However, when I see how her parents interact and what influence this probably has had since birth, I know that it is beyond my control. I feel that if I can get her to read one book, or consider talking to someone about our problems, God may use this opportunity to convict her of this. However, if I am the one recommending the book she sees it as a judgement issue of mine or that I am trying to “subliminally” control her. Not sure how to get the ball rolling.

    I appreciate your offer of “analyzing” one of our conversations, but she would never do that. First, I wouldn’t be able to get her to do that without her feeling like I am accusing her of something, putting her on the defensive. Also, by sending this, she would be admitting that there is a problem, and admitting that there is a problem means she is not in control. One of her small annoyances is that she is constantly (or at least daily) asking things like “are you OK?” or “have I done something?”. I have tried to answer honestly in the past, but it never ends well. I really don’t think she is wanting to know if there is a problem more than she is just wanting confirmation that everything is OK. I have just begun to shrug off the questions.

  27. peacefulwife
    August 2, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    Seeking Peace,

    Your messages are very striking to me – and what is most interesting is that I have received several messages and emails in the past few weeks from multiple husbands with almost the exact same wording – almost the entire message. MANY husbands are in your exact situation right now. There is a LOT of pain in so many marriages right now. It is heartbreaking – and it is not God’s will for marriage to be like this!

    And I agree with you! I’m sure you’re right. If you did try to tell her these things or suggest a book or blog, she probably would get defensive.

    It puts you in a very painful position. My heart completely goes out to you. I know that you see the problem clearly, and yet, you really can’t “fix” it. Not on your own, and not in your own strength.

    BUT – maybe this will offer you some hope. The other husbands I have been talking with have actually begun to see some softening. One of them has a wife who just “got it” within the past 2 weeks – and there are already miraculous changes going on in their marriage. It is phenomenal.

    In fact – God is working so miraculously in so many marriages I am seeing right now that I am just in total AWE of His power. I am seeing situations where things looked completely hopeless and within a week’s time, the floodgates of heaven open and people’s hearts, attitudes and lives are being changed. People are being convicted of sin, repenting and following Christ wholeheartedly as Lord and marriages are being healed.
    This is totally a God thing. And our God is sovereign over your marriage, too! He is able to open your wife’s mind to see with clarity. And he is able to open your eyes to what He desires you to do as you wait.

    We serve an incredibly powerful God. I am praying that God’s Spirit will convict both you and your wife of anything that is happening in the marriage that grieves God’s heart. I pray for true repentance and for reconciliation to God and to each other. I pray for a teachable spirit for your wife. I pray for her to hear God’s voice and to be sensitive to His speaking this week. I pray for you to have wisdom to lead your wife and family in the path of God’s perfect will. I pray for you to be empowered by God’s Spirit to be the husband God desires you to be. I pray for you to be able to stand in the gap for your wife and pray to God to tear down the strongholds of Satan – the bitterness, resentment, un-forgiveness, any idolatry, pride and disobedience to God’s Word that may be happening in your home. I thank God for your leadership in this marriage. I thank God for your faith in Him. I thank God that you can see the situation and what needs to happen and I pray that He might give you the wisdom, courage, strength and love you need for each step. I pray for you to not lose heart! I pray that God might do miracles in your marriage and that your marriage might bring the greatest possible glory and honor to God and may draw many to Christ.
    In the Name and power of Christ,
    Amen!

    And I will continue to pray for you and support your leadership and authority and your Christlike love in this marriage. And I will continue to pray that your wife might see the power of her godly femininity, respect, admiration and cooperation.

    Please feel free to contact me any time! I want to hear how things are going!

  28. peacefulwife
    August 2, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    Here is a great starting place for many wives

    For wives who are interested – an excerpt from The Surrendered Wife by
    Laura Doyle:

    With God as our guide, we have discovered that surrendering in our
    marriages gives us a new freedom we had not known before.

    For a wife to surrender means she is willing to release her grip on her
    husband’s life, thereby making his own journey possible. We have found
    that marriage works best when we let our husbands be the men and fathers
    only they know how to be. Surrendering is a process of celebrating our
    femaleness- our God-given right to receive life’s blessings of love,
    companionship, prosperity, and family life. We can fulfill our
    womanhood only when we give our husbands the freedom to stand tall in
    their manhood. In extricating our grip, we find we have renewed energy
    for life’s many joys.

    Here are some signs that told us it was time to surrender:
    – Feeling superior to our husbands.

    – “henpecking” or disrespecting our husbands behind their
    backs- particularly in the company of other wives

    – Encouraging other wives to disrespect their husbands

    – Disrespecting our husbands publically and privately

    – Often hearing ourselves say the words, “I told my husband!”

    – Believing everything would be ok if our husbands would just
    do as we said

    – Compulsively looking for the worst in our husbands

    – Eavesdropping on our husbands’ conversations to ensure
    everything was handled correctly

    – Feeling that there was only one adult in the family- us!

    – Feeling overburdened in parenting our children

    – Increasing fear around family decisions

    – Doing for our husbands what they were capable of doing for
    themselves

    – Recurring anxiety and depression

    – Physical exhaustion, often including chronic illness

    – A loss of interest in sex by either partner

    – Increasing resentment and jealousy at our husbands? victories
    in life

    – Rejecting our husbands’ gifts until they could no longer risk
    giving

    – Often fantasizing about divorce or life with a man who would
    better match us

    – Discounting the reasons we had chosen our husband in the
    first place

    – Feeling that our needs had gone unmet for so long that we
    lost hope

    – Inability to trust our husbands in even the smallest matter

    – Finding our obsession to control had become so loud that we
    could no longer hear the voice of God

    Here are the things that we did, to the best of our ability, to
    surrender to our husbands
    :

    – We refrained from offering our husbands advice or teaching
    them how to do things

    – We released our inappropriate expectations for our husbands
    and focused on appreciating their gifts

    – We discussed our problems with other married women to gain
    perspective, and so that we didn’t have to rely on our husbands as our
    only emotion al support

    – We apologized for being disrespectful whenever we
    contradicted, criticized, or dismissed our husbands’ thoughts or ideas

    – We refrained from asking our husbands to do the things we
    wanted them to do

    – We concentrated on taking care of ourselves first, knowing
    that our own contentment was the key to a happy household

    – We listened to our husbands’ problems without offering
    solutions, trusting that they would find their own

    – We refrained from doing things for our husbands that they
    were capable of doing themselves, such as buying their clothes or making
    doctor’s appointments for them.

    – We respected our husbands’ approach to parenting, and their
    unique relationship with their children and stepchildren

    – We deferred to our husbands’ thinking when we had conflicting
    opinions

    – We relinquished control of the household finances and relied
    on our husband to give us what we need

    – We made ourselves sexually available to our husbands

    – We acknowledged our hurt feelings by saying, “Ouch,” our
    loneliness by saying, “I miss you!” and our gratitude by saying “Thank
    you.”

    – We practiced graciously and gratefully receiving from our
    husbands whenever possible

    – We followed their direction and leadership, except when to do
    so would cause us severe emotional/physical distress (ie: husband asking
    us to do something that we are not physically/emotionally able to do)

    – We told our husbands what we wanted in way of clothing,
    household items, babies, vacations, etc., and allowed them to provide
    those things for us

    – We prayed for wisdom and listened carefully so we could hear
    the answers

    What happened when we surrendered
    – We felt genuine admiration and respect for our husbands

    – We felt a sense of dignity that had eluded us when we were
    nagging, complaining and criticizing our husbands

    – We developed a deeper, more satisfying relationships with
    women

    – Harmony was restored in our families as conflict and fighting
    dropped dramatically

    – We found ourselves doing less and accomplishing more

    – Our children showed more respect for our mates and relied on
    them for guidance in a deeper way

    – We felt excitement and fear at the dramatic changes in our
    lives

    – We had more time for relaxation and pleasurable activities
    for ourselves

    – We felt the pleasure of connecting with our own femininity

    – We had less to worry about, more to be grateful for, and the
    passionate, romantic relationships we had always wanted

    – Sex became more frequent and enjoyable

    – Our husbands started earning more money. Some received
    raises or performance bonuses while others found better paying work

    – We received more gifts than ever before

    – We became more conscious and comforted that God was guiding
    and protecting us. This connection made us feel joyful.

    From Peacefulwife:

    I can attest that these things have changed in my own life and marriage,
    I can identify completely with the before and the after of Laura
    Doyle’s experience and her circle of friends who decided to surrender to
    their husbands.

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    […] spewing out of my mouth constantly.  I didn’t want to say something sinful.  So during my “Frustrating Quiet Phase” I became quiet not just with my husband, but with everyone.  I needed to learn God’s wisdom […]

  13. I Don’t Want to Lose My Voice and My Identity in My Relationship | Peaceful Single Girl - November 19, 2013

    […] first, you may go through the Frustrating Quiet Phase which most formerly controlling/disrespectful women do.  That is where you realize that almost […]

  14. I Feel So Alone on This Journey to become a Godly Woman | Peaceful Single Girl - November 20, 2013

    […] spewing out of my mouth constantly.  I didn’t want to say something sinful.  So during my ”Frustrating Quiet Phase” I became quiet not just with my husband, but with […]

  15. I Don’t Know How to Say Things Respectfully to My Man, So I Just Won’t Say Anything at All | Peaceful Single Girl - November 21, 2013

    […] There may be a brief time when this is necessary during the Frustrating Quiet Phase. […]

  16. Stages of This Journey – Part 1 | Peacefulwife's Blog - November 30, 2013

    […] 3. WE WANT TO LIVE IN A CAVE – THE FRUSTRATING QUIET PHASE […]

  17. Stages of This Journey – Becoming a Gentle, Peaceful, Godly Woman – Part 1 | Peaceful Single Girl - December 8, 2013

    […] 3. WE WANT TO LIVE IN A CAVE – THE FRUSTRATING QUIET PHASE […]

  18. Won’t I become my husbands ‘doormat’ if I follow all that submitting stuff that’s in the bible? | beautyasdesigned - December 12, 2013

    […] will go through the ‘quiet phase‘ along this journey. April from the peaceful wife’s blog has a great posting on this […]

  19. Crystal’s Story – Part 1 | Peaceful Single Girl - December 29, 2013

    […] It’s truly a blessing and honor to be able to share my reflections with you in this blog. This blog was initially my idea of a way to join with my husband in a hobby that we might both take interest in. I’m more of the blogging type, and for reasons mentioned below…you’ve heard mainly from me. However, my husband Nick’s leadership and guidance has been an undercurrent throughout this process, and I am grateful to have his support as I express myself through the written word. The Lord led me to a quiet place of soul-searching, and so I have not blogged in almost 2 months. The last two months have been life-changing, full of hard work, and yet very healing for me as I’ve begun to allow God to go deeper into my heart in my efforts to trust Him fully. I can see promises of God being fulfilled now and in the future for my wonderful Husband and me as we approach our ONE-year Anniversary! But before I can really get excited about our 25 year anniversary, or any others, I have to come clean about my struggles so you all can truly see my heart in this blog and be blessed by God. We bring our pain and sin to God, and he can make it something beautiful. The Confession: I have never fully trusted God, my Husband, or any man in my entire life. This time of revelation, stillness, and correction has been fruitful, emotional, and trying. I’ve realized I have an issue with control. It was a defense mechanism I’d put in place to avoid becoming vulnerable to attack or betrayal when I had to escape the mental, emotional, and physical effects of abusive situations throughout my life and multiple instances of sexual assault and rape. I struggle with needing to feel in control, protecting myself by not letting people in close enough to hurt me, and avoid ever feeling powerless like I did in those past situations. I tend to manipulate others with my emotions to control the outcome of the relationship, not realizing that this actually pushes people away from me. It’s caused me to face a lot of feelings of guilt and even shame in how I’ve dealt with previous relationships, how all of this plays into my union and intimacy with my Husband, and to address the ways that I’ve hurt him by carrying this type of behavior into our marriage. I wanted my husband to rescue me from all the “bad men that hurt me”, but I never really gave him the chance to be who he is because my responses to his attempts at loving me were always guided by fear. This year has been challenging, but it has been incredibly fruitful for me as an individual, and helped to build a stronger foundation for our marriage. The Lesson: I am grateful to God for dealing graciously, and mercifully with me on this issue, and for supplying my loving Husband with the patience, courage, and wisdom to face these issues alongside me and remain steadfast in his determination to get what God has for us. My husband’s willingness to submit to God and put his foot down despite my controlling and manipulative behavior (.ie pouting, shouting, cursing, leaving, snooping, attitudes etc.) has closed the door on my idolatry of a Man to fill my voids and protect me, and pushed me right into the arms of Jesus. I’m so grateful that he is a Man of God, and I am so proud of him for having the courage and the integrity to stand up to me, for me, and with me…even when I haven’t believed in myself at all.  I’m also learning to be a better listener to my husband, and in doing so, I have received a bountiful blessing of wisdom and direction through my husband. I believe more now than ever that God uses my husband to speak directly to me at times, and when I am willing to listen, I can receive great blessing in his love, encouragement, correction, and sharing. The greatest lesson I’ve learned is that honesty, vulnerability, and trust are really about letting go of the wheel. It’s about putting yourself, your fears, your insecurities, your dreams, your hopes, in God’s hands. When we realize what we’re doing is not working or causing us to repeat cycles in life, we have to be willing to say to God, “search my heart”, and be brave enough to face the truth about ourselves. We deserve to live truly happy and fulfilled lives, not lives filled with fear, sadness, stress, and anger. However, nothing can change if we wont first look in the mirror and face our sin. The fruits of the Holy Spirit such as joy, peace, love, self-control… will blossom and ripen in our lives when we can pull up the weeds of sin, face our wrongdoing and repent, forgive others, and let God into our hearts. Seek God and his truth, and it will set you free. I feel it happening in my spirit now, and I pray the same for all of you in all of his Richness and Glory that your lives may be filled with all the wonders of his joy and peace and love! May God add a blessing to this confession and encourage a heart somewhere that growth, freedom, and a harvest lies beyond the toil and trial. Amen, and thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement as we continue to be transparent about the love and lessons Our Heavenly Father shares with us as a married couple. Warmly and Sincerely, Crystal A. Blount P.S. If there are any wives reading that would love to see change in their marriage, a great place to start is the blog of Peacefulwife. You can find it here in a link to the blog post that inspired this confession: http://peacefulwife.com/2012/07/27/the-frustrating-quiet-phase/ […]

  20. Baby Steps | path2proverbs31 - January 30, 2014

    […] Wow! I am speechless, literally. I have found my self in a very quiet place this week. I am truly allowing God to come into my heart and change me and it has left me speechless, just like the peaceful wife explained it would here http://peacefulwife.com/2012/07/27/the-frustrating-quiet-phase/. […]

  21. One Wife’s Story – 6 Days In | Peacefulwife's Blog - February 14, 2014

    […] The wife will probably go through a long “Frustrating Quiet Phase” where she almost stops talking because she realizes if she talks, sin is going to come out of her […]

  22. Has This Journey Gotten Easier for Me? Part 1 | Peacefulwife's Blog - March 11, 2014

    […] The Frustrating Quiet Phase […]

  23. GraceAlone Takes Another Step | Peacefulwife's Blog - March 28, 2014

    […] at all , or he doesn’t seem to care . I’m going to read the post you suggest about the frustrating quiet phase – it absolutely is so frustrating! I always seem to be confused as whether I should speak up or […]

  24. When Your Husband Rejects You | Peacefulwife's Blog - April 1, 2014

    […] husband. Avoid those things. Say nothing rather than bulldoze him or attack him or put him down. (The Frustrating Quiet Phase)  Look through the Peacefulwife Timeline at the top of my home page and read all the posts  you […]

  25. The Frustrating Quiet Phase | Peacefulwife's Blog - April 17, 2014

    […] The Frustrating Quiet Phase. […]

  26. To Speak or Not to Speak… | Peacefulwife's Blog - April 21, 2014

    […] The Frustrating Quiet Phase (this should be a phase, not a permanent thing!) […]

  27. My Husband Gets Angry When I Respectfully Disagree with Him | Peacefulwife's Blog - July 28, 2014

    […] disrespect and may be trying to figure out respect but is still stumbling often or she may be in The Frustrating Quiet Phase and be afraid to say anything at the moment. It is a difficult thing to learn to discern when to […]

  28. Does Being a “Submissive Wife” Mean I Can’t Say How I Feel and What I Need? | Peacefulwife's Blog - September 1, 2014

    […] The Frustrating Quiet Phase (this is only a phase early in the journey, it is not a permanent thing!) […]

  29. Wives Share What They Have Learned – Part 2 | Peacefulwife's Blog - September 22, 2014

    […] thing… I was in that quiet phase for a long, long time. I was just too tired of trying, and begging and not seeing results. April […]

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