“Let Me Check with My Husband and Get Back with You.”

If only Eve had known what I am going to tell you – the world may have been a perfect place… for awhile longer, at least!

Experiencing the joy and blessing of placing myself under my husband’s leadership, authority, protection and provision has been really simple to implement once I learned the ropes!  Now, my husband serves as a very useful compass for my life – a gift from God just for me! Today I share with you some powerful phrases a wife can use when someone outside the marriage is asking her for her time, her effort, her commitment, her money or is pressuring her for something:

  • “Let me check with my husband and get back with you.”
  • “I need to talk to my husband about that.”
  • “I’ll ask my husband.”

IN THE GARDEN

Imagine if Eve had used one of these phrases when Satan was giving her the offer of a lifetime in the Garden? Wow! Things would have turned out very differently – on that occasion at least!

That’s one of the reasons God has put husbands as the leaders of marriages and families – to protect women. We don’t really like reading that “the woman was deceived first” and it can seem unfair that just because Eve was deceived before Adam that all women are being lumped into that category with her. But God’s Word is trustworthy and true. And if God says I need protection – then I am smart enough these days not to argue with Him about that like I used to – back when I was so deceived earlier in our marriage!

HOW USING THESE TYPES OF PHRASES PROTECT ME

When a salesman, a cult missionary, a neighbor, a friend, a family member, a church member or anyone asks me to commit my time, money or effort to something, I use these phrases because:

  • I buy myself time so that I don’t make a rash commitment or decision. Left on my own, I can easily cave in to pressure and end up committing myself to something that I don’t even want to do – just because I feel guilty, or because I make a decision too quickly without enough thought going into the long term ramifications and consequences.  Giving yourself time is a good idea even if you only say, “I’ll have to get back to you on that.”  Making rash decisions can lead to big problems and can result in unwise choices!
  • I get my husband’s input and he weighs the proposition with different eyes, and a different perspective than I do. He can see if something is ultimately in my best interest and the best interest of our family. God gave him wisdom that He did not give to me. (Of course, God gave me a unique feminine perspective and wisdom that He did not give to my husband, too. So my input is hugely valuable to my hubby when he is making decisions. He needs to know my perspective, my desires and my feelings so that he can make a completely informed decision. And most of the time, he’ll do whatever will make me happy – he lays down his life for me and is very selfless. But he knows that he is responsible to God for making the decisions and doing what is best for our whole family. And I appreciate that he desires to do what is best and to honor God above catering to my feelings when he believes it is necessary. His leadership is a safeguard that protects me and our family – and I am THANKFUL for God’s wisdom in setting this authority structure into place in our marriage.)
  • My husband can easily see when I am getting overloaded or stressed and have too much on my  plate and he has no problem saying, “No, that’s too much for you to do.” I love it because then I can say, “I talked to my husband and he doesn’t want me to do X.” (That is another very powerful wife phrase!) And then I can say no without any guilt and he can be the “bad guy.” It doesn’t bother him at all if he hurts people’s feelings in order to maintain my sanity and our proper priorities in our family.
  • Checking with my man first allows me to avoid making decisions that my husband may disagree with and have a problem with later. If a vacuum salesman comes to the door and I end up being so impressed by his demonstration that I decide to buy a $1200 vacuum cleaner without checking with my husband – there might be a conflict later. Especially when we are talking about large sums of money. We’ve always agreed that anything over $200 we would discuss together before either of us made that purchase. That is a mutually respectful way to handle things – to include one another on big decisions. Other couples may have other arrangements – and as long as both husband and wife are aware of those agreements, that is fine!  The key is to communicate expectations ahead of time to prevent problems.
  • My taking the time to run things by him tells him that I respect him and his leadership and builds his confidence in his decision-making. He feels more trusted.  AND he knows he can trust me more, too!There may be some small things that he doesn’t need me to check with him about. But being able to take bigger things to him allows HIM to carry the weight of responsibility instead of ME all the time now. I used to carry that weight. It was HEAVY! What freedom to not have to carry all the responsibility anymore. I still have a great deal of responsibility in the family, but knowing he is the head and leader helps me have peace that I didn’t have earlier in our marriage when I tried to think through every possible scenario for every decision and wear myself out trying to MAKE things happen as I thought they should.
  • I show my husband that I recognize that we are ONE, not two. I am promoting the unity in our marriage by keeping him in the loop and allowing him to be involved in my world. 
  • We end up with better decisions.  When I used to make more decisions on my own, there were a lot more regrets (for both of us), misunderstandings, and way too many overcommitments for me that caused me a lot of anxiety and stress.  I love the teamwork of being able to come to my husband, knowing he has my best interests at heart, and being able to talk through ideas with him and have a clear sense of wisdom and direction before jumping into something unwisely.

My husband says that when I check with him first, “It gives me an opportunity to stop you from committing yourself to something that won’t serve our family well.” So true! Thank you, Honey!

CHECKING WITH MY HUSBAND FIRST DOESN’T MAKE ME A SLAVE, IT MAKES ME FREE!

I LOVE checking with my husband before I commit to things now. I have SO much less unnecessary stuff on my schedule and can keep focused on the things that are truly our higher priorities. I have more time for myself. I have more time for my husband. I have more time for my children. I have more time for God. And I have no weight of guilt for saying “No.”

SAYING “NO” TO PEOPLE HAS ALWAYS BEEN HARD FOR ME

Sadly, I was quite the people pleaser. I didn’t like upsetting people or making them mad. I would do almost anything rather than hurt someone’s feelings. But that wasn’t healthy for me or my relationships! So I’d usually have to choose between two awful feelings that I hated.

  • Feeling guilty for saying no to a request
  • Feeling resentful for saying yes to something I didn’t actually want to do

It was a lose/lose situation. Now, when my husband says something is not a good idea for me – I happily say “no” without the slightest remorse. But if he thinks it’s a good idea, I have a green light that this direction is a wise one.

SOME “JUST SAY NO” SECRETS

Of course, I have also figured out a few secrets to saying no even on my own! Thank You, God!

  • Now, I say, “I can’t.” If there is something that I REALLY know I don’t want to do or would stretch me too thin. And when pressured, I stick with my answer and repeat myself, ad nauseum, “I’m so sorry – but I can’t”
  • I DO NOT EXPLAIN WHY I can’t. I just say, “I can’t.” THIS IS CRITICAL! Explanations just give people a way to shoot down your reasons and explain to you why you could do something. When you give no reasons, there is nothing to shoot down.
  • I also realize now that when I say “Yes” to someone’s request for my time, effort or money, I am saying “no” to my family’s request for my time, effort or money. That perspective helps me realize that I have to say “no” to someone – and is this request REALLY worth me saying “no” to my family?
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39 Comments on ““Let Me Check with My Husband and Get Back with You.””

  1. We're Jumpin'
    May 4, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

    I always say “I have to ask my husband first”. Your post is so true. Thank you for sharing!

    • peacefulwife
      May 4, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

      We’re Jumpin’,
      You’re welcome! This is something I wish I had understood a LOT sooner!
      Thanks for your kind words and encouragement!

  2. Karyl
    May 4, 2012 at 9:41 pm #

    You are brilliant!

  3. SJBeals
    May 4, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

    I totally agreeing that checking with my husband has saved me from over commitment more times than I can imagine. It is very freeing!

    • Amelie
      May 24, 2012 at 5:55 am #

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  4. Blush
    May 6, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

    I always pull the, “Let me talk to my husband first and get back to you” card. I definitely agree that it shows me a different perspective that I didn’t think of first.

  5. Nat
    May 7, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    I agree wholeheartedly – great post. Also, great reminder that saying yes to someone else means saying no to my husband and family with respect to time and energy. It’s easy to overlook that. I think that perspective is important to remember and often forgotten in the decision making process.

    • peacefulwife
      May 7, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

      Nat,
      It helped me tremendously when I realized that saying yes to other people was a no to my family. Thanks for the comment!

  6. Jeannie Davis
    May 7, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

    A very hard lesson to learn at first, but I like you, Love getting my husbands approval for everything I do. It doesn’t make you a slave…it puts the spiritual care-giving of your family to the person that God intended it to go to.

    Very well written post!

    Jeannie

    • peacefulwife
      May 7, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

      What a great way to think of it! I like that. Thanks, Jeannie!

  7. uncommonprincess
    May 10, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

    Hi peacefulwife.

    This is my second comment tonight I think, but I wondered, as I’m about to write a post about this for myself… Was your family like this? The man being the leader in the relationship? How have your family and friends responded to this?

    Thanks,
    Rachel

    • peacefulwife
      May 10, 2012 at 10:54 pm #

      Rachel,
      My Dad was definitely the leader in our family. My mom was very respectful and submissive – but didn’t really have opinions of her own. I was kind of my dad’s “son” until my little brother was big enough to take over that role. My twin sister was the “girly” one. I was more of a tomboy. And I always had PLENTY of opinions!! I think I ended up identifying more with my dad, and I was the dominant twin. My husband tended to be quiet even before we got married.

      All of our family are Christians. They have all responded with GREAT JOY when they saw the changes in our marriage and in me – and then saw my husband blossom and become so much stronger in his faith, confidence and leadership. My twin sister and several friends remarked often about how my expression on my face was so peaceful and full of joy. That I actually LOOKED different, more radiant. It was a LONG process of about 2 years of learning the respect, submission, godly femininity and modesty stuff.
      My friends follow my blog and many of them have been working on their own journey toward godly femininity, respect and biblical submission, too.
      When I first started wearing skirts all the time (except for when I exercise), I changed jobs that same week by coincidence. A few women have asked me why I wear skirts all the time. Most people dont’ comment or just say, “I like your skirt!” I have never had a man ask me about my wardrobe. My friends at church have been very supportive.
      I have run into strong resistance among women who are divorcing and among feminists. But those who know me have been extremely supportive.

      I’m looking forward to your post!

  8. uncommonprincess
    May 10, 2012 at 11:26 pm #

    Again, thank you for answering my question, and I do hope to write that post soon. It’s just a lot to write about. I have been thinking about it and talking to David about it some. I don’t know if you saw on my blog, but we are in a long distance relationship and I am visiting him and his family right now so that’s taking up a lot of my time. But I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to dedicate to it when I’m back home.

    • peacefulwife
      May 11, 2012 at 6:28 am #

      Thank you for your comments!

      • Beloved
        September 26, 2013 at 2:01 am #

        I have questions regarding this topic but i don’t want it posted here. How can i email you?

  9. Fhifhi
    May 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Wow. So much wisdom in your arlicte, Becky, and in all the comments that have followed. As for me, it is certainly a lot easier to see with hindsight God’s Sovereignty at work, rather than in the midst of the situation itself! I am thankful for the times we’ve struggled in our marriage now, for I can see how God used those struggles to shape us better for His purposes. And the greatest truth I have come to appreciate in our marriage is that I have done nothing to deserve a husband as loving as I have, he is a gift of grace, and another example of God bestowing good gifts on his children, for which I will be forever thankful :)

  10. ladylikeideas
    May 24, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

    Love using that phrase… makes me feel safe, and makes my husband feel “The Man”!

  11. uncommonprincess
    May 29, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

    Hi peacefulwife. I remembered that I had mentioned writing a post about whether my family was like this growing up, and I have recently completed that post, so I thought I would drop by and tell you. I know it took a while.

    • peacefulwife
      May 29, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

      Thank you for following up! I appreciate it very much!

  12. uncommonprincess
    May 29, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

    You’re welcome. =]

  13. Only By His Hands
    June 21, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    Just wanted to say this article was AWESOME!

    I do feel protected and better when I ask him first. Applying this is not easy but as a wife learns to do this, she will find more peace in her marriage than before.

    Your posts are right on time. Thanks.

  14. Anna Joy Bennett
    July 1, 2012 at 7:36 am #

    I have had many a friend that actually stopped being my friend because I talk with my husband before making decisions/commitments. It’s a bummer, but thank the good Lord…my husband knows me better than I do and has saved me from disaster many times!

    • peacefulwife
      July 1, 2012 at 8:14 am #

      Anna,
      Wow! Well, I think you are a very wise woman and wife to discuss things with your husband. My husband has DEFINITELY saved me from many disasters since I have been willing to put myself under his authority and covering! Thanks for sharing. That is very interesting!

  15. Lori
    July 28, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

    Wow, my husband would hate it if I couldn’t make my own decisions. I asked him about this, and he said, “I married a partner, not a child.”

    • peacefulwife
      July 28, 2012 at 11:51 pm #

      Lori,
      I am glad you checked with your husband to get his opinion! That was respectful!

      Obviously, each couple will have their own standards and priorities and method for making decisions. Some husbands will want their wives to check in with them before they spend $50. Some may be fine with their wives spending $500 without checking with them first. Some may not care if their wives go buy a new car without telling them – not likely – but I guess it’s possible! I think every husband does probably have a line on this issue where he would want to be informed. I doubt there would be many men who would be ok with their wives deciding to go back to college or take a job in another state or start working night shift without discussing it first with them.

      Each couple will decide for themselves where that line will be and how to make things work best. If a husband sees his wife repeatedly take on way more than she can handle and she is stressed and overwhelmed and not having energy for him or their family – this could be a way for him to help her learn to say no if that is an issue for her. There are women who have no problem saying no. That’s great!

      I appreciate you sharing your feelings on this post! Thanks! And I pray God might richly bless your marriage for His greatest glory.

  16. Coheir with Christ
    July 29, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

    great post. and it is so true. i like to believe that i have a higher threshold for pressure- but the fact of the matter is i don’t. and you know who always warns me not to take on something???? my husband. i used to think he is just being a jerk because he wants to control me- but the truth is i try to do too many things all the time and end up getting super frazzled- and our kids, he and i suffer for it. every time i over commit and then i get nasty to the kids and him or start crying because i don’t know what to do with myself… he has always asked me, “why do you do this to yourself???” i have always thought it is just his way of saying i told you so and in my head ask myself why he can’t just lend me a hand! but he is right- i hate to turn people down and disappoint people. like your husband- he doesn’t care if he is the “bad guy.” i never liked saying “i will check with my husband” because I didn’t want people to think i was a puppet or doormat. but you know what? my husband offers a 3rd person view of how i get when i overbook myself so who cares what they think. so lately, that’s been my phrase… i still have a LONG way to go but honestly, with the Lord’s help, I am getting better!! :)

  17. http://tinyurl.com/primvales11406
    January 26, 2013 at 4:07 am #

    What precisely truly inspired u to post ““Let Me Check with My Husband and Get Back with You.
    ” | Peacefulwife’s Blog”? Ireally enjoyed the post! Thanks -Frederick

    • peacefulwife
      January 26, 2013 at 6:53 am #

      Frederick,
      I learned to do this in my own life and it brought me freedom and peace! :)

  18. Jack B.
    February 8, 2013 at 11:11 pm #

    I just came across this blog post, great post !!
    I’ve got one item to add, that wives should also check with thier husbands in front of thier children, young and adult children. I believe if wives do this the young and older children will witness first hand how Father God designed
    a marriage. Then the sons and daughters would naturally learn and then seek out spouses that are “like minded” the trouble is when these basic order of authority is not witnessed or learned at home, the next generation does not have a clue to whom or what they should look for in a mate.

    Unfortunately my wife checked with literatlly everyone else but meregarding a family matter with a man seeking our daughter. She “checked” and got “approvals” from pastors, woman, the children and others. This literally destroyed our once peaceful family and split our family apart. I dont’ know whyGod put me (us, wife) in this situation. but I do know that my views and reasons were declared not valid, and told to” just get with the program” attitude.

    So instead of “checking”, respecting and submitting, my wife did the opposite. It’s been years now, and nothing’s changed (my decision) what my wife does not know is that with my convictions and God’s word is that I will die on this hill. I can only thank the Lord and the Holy Spirit for working in both our hearts to keep our marriage together, I will not leave my wife because of this, but our lives would be so much better.

    It ties into the masculinity post, God’s logic vs. emotions and feelings, when wives start thinking they have “all” the answers, espiecially with family matters and then
    go ahead and make decisions leaving the husband/father out, things start to fall apart.

    At the moment things are “ok” but there is still that under lining issue with her not checkining nor staying by my side.

    We’ll see how things turn out,

    Thanks for the post ,

    Jack B.

  19. Tim Shey
    May 8, 2013 at 3:17 pm #

    Amen. Excellent post.

    The reason why it is called Adam’s Sin is that Adam was passive about the situation with Satan and Eve. Adam should have been much more protective of Eve. We don’t negotiate with Satan: we either rebuke Satan or walk away from Satan; we don’t entertain sin or else sin may overtake us. Yes, Eve was first in the transgression, but Adam was the great covering—not just for Eve, but for the whole creation—Adam failed to cover his wife and therefore sin came into mankind. When Eve offered the fruit to Adam, all Adam had to say was that the Lord told him NOT to eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. In short, Adam should have said No because the Lord said No. Obeying the Lord is very powerful protection.

  20. D.G
    May 18, 2013 at 6:51 am #

    i am so sad today and coming across this blog today is just making me think if i really matter to my husband at all. he can make decisions without getting me involved and he just comes to tell me what he has implemented. my husband means soo much to me and i love and care about him dearly…..i consider him as Gods special gift to me. but its so painful when i’m left in the dark knowing he is making decisions that will affect me one way or the other. i know it is not his intention to hurt me by doing all that, but it ends up causing me much pain.
    i just want to feel important, i want to be considered in decision-taking even if my suggestions will not be used at the long run. i dont want friends and family to think we are not one just because my husband does things for them that i dont know about and i have to be told by a third party. i enjoy telling him all i do and want to do, not because i cant be independent but because i need him to feel like the head that God intended him to be. i really do not have anyone to talk to when things are worrying me cos i decided after getting married that my family and friends are all third parties and you never know who next will be told. i’m sorry for writing so much but i guess it will make me feel better. i have subscribed to your blog and i’ll gladly be reading more things on how God expects me to be a good wife to my husband…………God bless you for the good work.

    • peacefulwife
      May 18, 2013 at 7:57 pm #

      D.G.
      I believe a wise husband would include his wife and take her feelings and perspective into account.

      Have you gently, softly shared that you want him to talk with you and consider your feelings and desires?

      What do you do and say when he makes decisions without you?

      How is the rest of your relationship?

      Do you try sharing your thoughts sometimes? How does he respond?

      Let’s talk through this and pray through it together! :)

  21. dylanandsandra
    August 11, 2013 at 2:52 am #

    Wow, what a great post. My wife and I appreciated reading this so much. We are 8 months married tomorrow, we have established most of this but it was cool to read it. Thanks

    Have you read the Boundaries book. It is a really good book about some of the things you discussed as well.

    If you want check out our blog: we are writing about our journey together at Hillsong College in Australia as well as some expansions and studies on things in the bible.
    Thanks

    • peacefulwife
      August 11, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

      Dylan,
      I have read Boundaries. It is a REALLY important book! :)

      Thank you for introducing yourself. I am thrilled for you about your marriage and about your blog. It’s wonderful to meet you both. :)

  22. Wanda Rodgers
    September 2, 2013 at 11:08 am #

    WOW – I feel like a sponge soaking up wisdom and knowledge from where others have walked. Indeed we all live different lives, but walk in the same Spirit if we are truly Christians desiring our Father’s perfect will in our lives. So much of this walk is simply allowing the Fruits of the Spirit to develop fully in our hearts and spirits as we place our lives in the loving hands of God. I just keep getting more and more excited at the freedom I am seeing and hearing in these blogs even knowing that there will be daily battles – but I know where to find my peace in the storms as I apply James 1:2-4. Blessings (Ps. 91:2)

  23. luisa
    October 25, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

    Hi peacefulwife,

    even though this is an older post- i hope you will respond. What do you recommend in instances where you ask a husband for example- if he’d like to do an activity next week (just as an example we were invited to a friend’s house to meet their new baby)- and you ask him kindly and respectfully, and then never hear back about his answer? When the day comes, he might say- “oh no! I forgot! I wish i had remembered!” Does that mean in the future, you should remind him? How can I bring it up again without nagging, just asking if he has decided yet? Or should I just let it go, allow him to see that he can be forgetful, and learn from that? I want to do these activities sometimes, others not, but I think he actually has a lot on his plate- and does honestly forget things (not being mean, just having too many things).

    Thoughts?

    • peacefulwife
      October 25, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

      Luisa,

      Some time when your husband is not stressed and you are not waiting on an answer, preferably. Simply calmly, pleasantly, politely ask him, “Sweetheart, if I ask you about something I would like for us to do, and I wait a few days or a week and the day is coming up soon and I haven’t heard back from you yet, how would you like me to handle that?”

      He will probably say, “Oh, just remind me about it, please. I may have forgotten it.” Then you can do whatever he suggests. :)

      Much love,
      April

  24. Kathy
    November 26, 2013 at 3:16 am #

    PeacefulWife,
    I came across your blog thanks to a link a friend posted on Facebook. I needed to find this post so badly tonight and with the holidays approaching in general. Though my parents have been married for 45 years and are both active Christians, it makes my mother insane when I or any other female refuses to make plans for the family and instead says “let me check with my husband”. My husband asks my opinion before making plans with his family, why should I act differently? She was pressing me to make plans for a weekend day, but I wanted to check with him before making plans. I could hear the exasperation in her voice when she said “well just ask him and let me know”. I want to say “how can you ask me to go against my husband and possibly cause more stress just to make yourself feel more important, that I chose you over him? and how could you even ask me to make that choice?” But I wouldn’t b/c she is still my mother and I love her.

    Thank you so much for your blog. I’m sure you will be hearing from me again.

    Kathy

    • peacefulwife
      November 26, 2013 at 6:23 am #

      Kathy,

      It is wonderful to meet you! :)

      To me, it is just good manners for spouses to check with each other before committing the other one to something.

      For wives who are controlling – and I speak as a formerly controlling wife myself (for the first 14+ years of our marriage) – if SELF is on the throne of a woman’s heart, she expects everyone to submit to her and bow to her, to acknowledge her superior wisdom and to do what she says. Essentially, she is saying, “You need to worship me/put me first above everything and everyone.” Of course, we would never actually think or say that – but, that is the kind of pride and idolatry that is generally at the root of being a controlling, contentious, disrespectful woman. I think I am huge, powerful, sovereign and in charge of making everything “work out right” and I have a very small, wimpy picture of God.

      Mothers who are controlling do this with their children and overstep healthy boundaries, expecting their grown children to continue to submit to them as if they are still the GOd-given authority in their children’s lives. Parents are the God-given authority in their children’s lives when they are young. But when a daughter grows up and marries, her husband becomes her God-given authority and she is now to leave her parents and cleave to her husband. When a son grows up and marries, he is the God-given authority in his home and is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife.

      Mothers of grown children sometimes have a hard time letting go. It is often up to the children to set healthy boundaries. Here are some posts that may be helpful.

      “Boundaries and Control”
      “The Snare of People Pleasing”
      “Using Guilt to Motivate Is Destructive”
      “Why Playing the Martyr Repels Those We Love”

      “Handling a Controlling Mother as a Team”
      “Do Not Expect Outside Support”

      Much love to you!

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