Why Don’t Husbands Help Their Wives More?

Nina Roesner wrote a post on her blog “The Respect Dare” this week that drew quite a lot of attention. It was a topic that can cause a wife’s blood to boil like almost nothing else, “Why Won’t My Man Help?”

I had never thought about the insight that her teenage sons verbalized to her this week. They said that for a man to help someone who has not asked for help is disrespectful. Hmmm… You may want to read that again. A man would take it as an insult if someone swooped in and took over and did something for him (kind of the way we moms tend to do!). BUT it is NOT disrespectful to help a man who asks for help. Nina’s sons said that men respect that other men know their limits and when another man asks for help, then it is respectful to help him. Wow.

That could explain a lot!

If I see another woman who is overwhelmed with work – I know that the loving thing to do is to roll up my sleeves and help her. That’s not an insult! That’s love! So maybe there is more to this love/respect dynamic that is causing miscommunication that we need to really examine.


This is not an exhaustive list – and I would actually really appreciate your input if you can think of other reasons that husbands don’t or won’t help with chores and child care and stuff around the house.  If you are a husband, what has turned you off to helping your wife in the past?  If you are a wife, what has gotten you poor results in this area?  Or what has made things work better and inspired your husband to help you more?

I know there are husbands that are AWESOME at this.  My husband is now!  He wasn’t always that way, though (due, in large part, to my lack of respect and cluelessness in the past).  I am so thankful for men who step up with a servant’s heart and go way beyond the call of duty to help their wives and lay down their own desires to take some of the load from their wives’ shoulders.

But there are also a lot of men who do not help their wives at all, or very rarely. Why is that?

  • IT’S NOT AN OPEN “WINDOW” ON THEIR SCREEN – I talked to the Respected Husband about this tonight and this is what he said. Shaunti Feldhan describes in “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” that men usually have zero – one “window” open on their mind’s screen at any given time. Women have many, many screens open all the time. OH TO HAVE ONLY ONE SCREEN! Sometimes I am insanely jealous of the way God designed men’s minds and how they can think about nothing! Who knew!?!? So my husband’s point is that the dishes in the sink, the laundry piling up, the dust bunny colonies, the clutter, etc… may not be a window that ever comes up on some husbands’ screens. They aren’t being vicious about it. They just don’t see it or notice it. It’s not on their radar.
  • WE DON’T ASK FOR HELP – Like Nina Roesner’s sons suggested, and like my husband suggested – whether a man considers it to be disrespectful to start helping uninvited or whether he just doesn’t notice the needs, many men don’t help because they aren’t asked.
  • WHEN WE DO ASK WE ARE DISRESPECTFUL – There is a HUGE difference in a man’s mind when his wife glares at him like he is evil and growls, “I have to do EVERYTHING around here! Why don’t you EVER help me? You don’t love me at all! If you loved me you would help me with X, Y and Z! I don’t even know why I married you! If I ever want something done right around here, I have to do it MYSELF!” vs. his wife smiling and pleasantly saying, “Sweetheart, would you please run a load of whites for me? Thanks so much! You’re the BEST!” In the first scenario – he is the villain. But in the second scenario – he is the hero! I totally get that husbands should help all the time regardless of how we ask. That would be awesome. But our men are human and they respond so much better to kindness and respect than to demands, verbal attacks, character assassinations, an angry-mother tone of voice, criticisms, negativity, sarcasm, lectures and scolding.
  • WHEN THEY DO HELP WE CRITICIZE THEIR EFFORTS – Sometimes our husbands DO try to help us. But if they are met with a barrage of criticisms about how they help us (you folded the underwear wrong!  You loaded the dishwasher wrong! That’s not how you change the baby’s diaper!) – they are NOT going to be motivated (unless they are Spirit-filled!) to help us again. “Why help and put forth all that effort if my wife is just going to blast me about what a bad job I did? She’d be mad at me if I did nothing. And I wouldn’t have had to do anything. She is impossible to please. If she’s going to be such a perfectionist about it, she can do it herself! Why do I even try to please her?”
  • THE PARTICULAR ITEM ISN’T A BIG PRIORITY FOR HIM RIGHT NOW Sometimes we’ll ask for a honey-do project to be done, and months go by and it’s not done. As wives, most of us want things done NOW. Our husbands’ time tables are different – read that “SLOWER” – than ours. Kind of reminds me of how we must wait on God’s perfect timing in life a lot, too! It’s not that they are wrong. It’s that they aren’t necessarily going to do something immediately. That has to be ok! When he is able to make it fit into his list of priorities, he will. And we can have some practice waiting and being patient. Woohoo!
  • WE WON’T WAIT LONG ENOUGH – This happened in our marriage A LOT. I am not a very patient person. I’m much more patient in many ways now than I used to be, but I used to be EXTREMELY impatient. I’m a retail pharmacist. A long wait in a retail pharmacy is 15 minutes for most patients. Much longer than that and many people get REALLY ANGRY. My husband works as an engineer for the state. A RUSH project for them is something that requires an email back within 30 days. See what a time discrepancy we are dealing with here? So I used to ask my husband to do things. I would wait about 2 minutes and he was still sitting in his chair watching tv. So I would assume he wasn’t going to help me and I would do it myself. That would really make him upset. He actually did plan to do what I asked him to do, but I was too impatient to give him a chance. So I took on more and more of the load and got much more stressed, overwhelmed, negative, critical and irritable. Not good. If I had just let the thing sit with him, he would have handled it eventually – but on his time schedule not mine.
  • THEY THINK WE’VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL –   If you really DO NOT have things under control – there are times when we are extremely stressed, sick, in pain, overloaded that we might truly need to just say something like, “I can’t.” “I can’t take care of the laundry today.” “I can’t handle the finances anymore. It’s too much for me. Here are the passwords.” “I can’t handle the kids anymore tonight. I’m going to bed.” BUT if you do this, I would strongly suggest that you stick with that you can’t do it. Don’t get up in 5 minutes and do it. Just let it go. If you are truly depleted, here’s an idea-you can just say you can’t with no explanation and leave it. It may take a long time – but eventually he will pick it up. This is how I transferred the finances to my husband. He’s done a beautiful job! But I don’t check behind him, make sure he’s doing it “right” – I just trust him with it. If you say you can’t – the key is to go take care of your emotional/mental/physical health needs and let him handle the situation (unless there is imminent danger for the children or something!)  If he knows you’ll do it if he waits long enough, he may not do it.  You have to follow through with the “I can’t” thing or it doesn’t work!  But when you are truly in a bind – most husbands are good willed and will help you if you give them a chance.
  • HE MAY BE HELPING YOU – BUT IN WAYS THAT YOU DON’T COUNT.  He may be going to work every day to provide for the family (something that scores BIG points on most men’s scoring system) but some wives don’t count that especially if they work, too.  He is still making a HUGE contribution that is worthy of appreciation whether you work or not!  Or he may wash your car or cut the grass or change the oil – these things need to count, too!
  • YOU MAY BE UNGRATEFUL OR AN UNGRACIOUS RECEIVER – if your husband finds that he does things and you don’t appreciate it, he may decide it’s not worth doing.  That’s why I try to say a very gracious “THANK YOU SO MUCH!”  with a huge smile any time I see my husband do ANYTHING!  Then he knows he is appreciated and he’ll want to go that route again!
  • GOD MADE WIVES TO BE HELPMEETS FOR THEIR HUSBANDS – He created us FOR them, not the other way around.  God created us way before feminism and our brains are made by His design to be uniquely male and female regardless of the feminist message that we “should” split housework 50/50.  Check out Genesis 2!

I asked my husband to help, and he did, but he complained the whole time.

If you have just started working on showing respect for your husband and you have been controlling and micromanaging, irritable, stressed out, anxious, bossy, etc… then give your man some grace when you do start asking for help. It’s hard for you to ask for help. You don’t like asking for help. You feel guilty asking.

And it’s hard for your man to know exactly what to do. It’s unfamiliar territory if he hasn’t been helping out much. He may not be comfortable – and he may be afraid that you are going to rake him over the coals if he doesn’t do things exactly the way you want.  That is scary for him.  His favorite thing in the world is to delight you!  Really!  He LOVES your smile, approval, praise and affirmation!  He would probably do almost anything to get a reward like that from you!  And his LEAST favorite thing in the world is your condemnation, verbal attacks, scolding and contempt.  He would do anything to avoid that!

So what if you ask for help (respectfully) and he helps but is mumbling about that he doesn’t know what to do or what an aggravation it is that he has to do this for you or how he doesn’t have time?  Here’s what I have seen work:

  • CONCENTRATE ON HIS POSITIVE ACTIONS! (A man’s actions show his true heart much more than his words!  Words do not weigh nearly as much as action to most men!)
  • DO NOT MENTION WHAT HE DOES WRONG (unless it is a safety thing or something absolutely critical to survival!!).
  • WHEN HE IS DONE – THANK HIM AGAIN and you may try saying something like, “Wow! You really helped me out by doing that! THANK YOU! How can I ever repay you?” or “You are my hero! Thanks for being my big, strong, man!” or “Thanks for taking such a load off my shoulders today. I REALLY appreciate all that you did.” Even if he complained while he was helping you, even if he didn’t do things exactly right – THANK HIM! Your praise and appreciation will make him feel like your hero. Your smile will make him see it IS actually possible to please you – and it could be worth trying to please you again!

You will both get better at this!!!

I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments – husbands and wives!

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25 Comments on “Why Don’t Husbands Help Their Wives More?”

  1. Pearl
    April 26, 2012 at 9:40 am #

    When we first got married, to serve and please, I did ALL the chores. Even though he asked to help, I refused. I am strong. I am woman.

    One of my worst decisions. I started out the marriage that all chores fell upon me. Three kids later, I’m needing a little help, but don’t have the skills to effectively communicate this. He doesn’t see it because of his ONE SCREEN that’s open.

    Fortunately, in our Dynamic Marriage Class, my husband and I went through an exhaustive list of household chores. We were able to divide things up. Because I’m blessed to have ‘retired’ early so at home, the bulk still fell upon me and that was fine. However, he did pick two huge chores to fulfill. He tries to see when they need to be done. But, he also gave me the words to use so that he feels he isn’t being ‘mothered’ or disrespected if I need to remind him. AND, I respected this, because often I have to give him words to use to convey things to me.

    Lots of good thoughts here, April!

    • peacefulwife
      April 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

      Being on the same page is SUPER helpful!!!! Great ideas about working through the chore list so everyone knows what he/she is responsible for.

      Thanks for your insight and for sharing how what worked before kids doesn’t always work after kids!

  2. beingdaddy101
    April 26, 2012 at 9:40 am #

    Great article. I think the communication gap that does exist between men and women are at their greatest when our stress levels are at their highest. My wife acts out about the “job” I’ve done that doesn’t exactly fit her way when she’s had a bad day on campus or did not get enough sleep. I tend to to get over emotional in these situations and point out all the chores I have cleaned off the family slate for the week against the chores she has done, and the bickering can go on and on from there.
    What we’ve tried to establish is guidelines for our life together; how do we want to live, what type of household do we want to have , etc. my wife and I are two completely different people, she works well with chaos and I work well in order, but we have managed to communicate what it takes to live together and thrive as a cohesive unit by openly questioning the others motives (in a positive way) and discussing our differences. It is constantly updating each other on agreed upon expectations, taking the liberty to respect each other when we are having off days and knowing that household chores aren’t our jobs, rather they are things that we need to get done for each other.

    • peacefulwife
      April 26, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

      I agree completely that things are MUCH worse when there is exhaustion, sickness, pain, sleep deprivation, stress – that is when things REALLY break down.

      I admire the way you handle things in your family and pay such close attention to what your wife needs. Great job!!! And what a beautiful perspective on marriage and family life you have.

  3. Sis
    April 26, 2012 at 9:43 am #

    Great advice! We used to struggle with this often, both of us were just overwhelmed by small kids and work. I have quit my job and stay at home now and our income is less, but it makes our home life so much nicer. Sometimes a peaceful home is more valuable than material things and going out.

  4. Adam's Eve
    April 26, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

    It helps my husband when I make a list for him of the things I want him to do around the house. I still do the majority of the cleaning and cooking, but he definitely pitches in to help weekly. Certain chores are strictly his (i.e. taking care of the car, yard, taking out the trash, and cleaning the stove), and everything else gets written down on a list. He often sticks a reminder for himself on his smart phone. I have to remind myself that my husband works on a different time table than I do. I’m a little-of-everything-everyday kind of cleaner and he’s a wait til the weekend to do everything before Sunday. As long as it gets done, I’m happy and I don’t nag him about it. When he does miss something, I gently remind him (at a convenient time). Often my husband won’t respond well when I interrupt him when he’s working from home, when he’s getting ready to sleep, or when he first gets home. I try to reserve talking about chores for before we head to the bedroom. :o)

    • peacefulwife
      April 26, 2012 at 8:58 pm #

      Adam’s Eve,
      Great ideas and insights! Thanks so much for sharing!!! I appreciate everyone’s comments!

  5. Kristi
    April 30, 2012 at 7:29 am #

    Thanks, April, for a great read. For our marriage, one of the key turning points was when God nudged me to see things from my husband’s perspective. When I was frustrated by his late work hours week after week, my disgruntled attitude showed big time. But, stopping and realizing that he doesn’t want to be there late into the night anymore than I want him there really helped me understand the pressure he was under.

    In times when he hasn’t wanted to talk, walk, or do anything other than eat and sleep, I felt ignored and that nasty attitude of mine showed up again. But, when I stopped and saw how tired he was from trying to fill the role as main provider, compassion overshadowed my discontent, and I realized his actions weren’t personally against me – they were merely exhaustion.(And, I am the same way when I am tired!)

    In a marriage, it’s easy to forget that we are on the same team when our society tries very hard to tell us life is all about me. Marriage is about us and how we affect the world around us. Keeping my husband’s perspective in mind when handling a situation helps squelch embers of hurt and misunderstanding before they can turn into a bonfire of anger and frustration.

    • peacefulwife
      April 30, 2012 at 7:55 am #

      Excellent insights!!! The things you learned are SO helpful! Being able to understand our husband’s perspective is key to having empathy for his struggles and for seeing that he is not being malicious, he has reasons for what he is doing and they usually are not unloving.
      Thanks so much for your comments!

      • Kristi
        April 30, 2012 at 8:03 am #

        Definitely…and the same applies for husbands toward their wives. :)

  6. Keisha McD.
    May 1, 2012 at 10:10 pm #

    When I got married, my wise grandmother gave me a gold nugget. She told me if my husband ever helped me around the house or doing “whatever”, the key to get him to keep doing it was lots of praise! My husband is always so helpful with the dishes and I’d like to think it’s b/c I always give him tons of praise and appreciation :) It really is huge for me b/c dishes are not my most favorite chore.

    • peacefulwife
      May 1, 2012 at 10:48 pm #

      Your grandmother was SO VERY right! Good for you and for your marriage for your willingness to follow her example! I wish everyone had such beautiful influences.

  7. joyann8
    May 3, 2012 at 9:57 am #

    I have noticed that if you tell your husband that you really appreciate him for no particular reason, you will have lifted his self confidence for weeks, even if you don’t tell him every time he does something for you. I have also noticed that if you say, “thank you” EVERY time someone does something to you (especially a family member) it does become meaningless. Often times, it is so automatically replied that it just does not even make it to the receiver’s ears! So surprise him with an unexpected, I love you, thank you, or whatever. When you tell him I appreciate you for no specific reason it really gets his attention and it works wonders! I did that to my husband and his head perked right up. He said, really? I said yes. He said what for? I did not do anything. I then told him a list of things that he does everyday and that I just wanted him to know that I did not take him for granted. I really appreciated him and all that he does for the family. It works wonders!!!

  8. JLL
    May 3, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    One thing that really bothers me is the unquestioned presumption that household chores are the woman’s responsibility, and whatever husbands do is considered “helping” their wives. Why should there be a greater expectation that husbands share in the burdens of managing home and family, especially if both are working?? Is that biblical? Respect should be mutual, and should be expressed in each partner respecting the contributions that are made by the other, not taking it for granted that that is “his” or “her” job. My husband stayed at home with our kids for 5 years. I regularly expressed my appreciation for how he was serving our family, and when i did household chores he never took it for granted that it was “my” job. We shared responsibility for all it takes to manage a home and family, and so were grateful for the ways each partner would step up and take care of various tasks.

    • joyann8
      May 4, 2012 at 3:27 am #

      My opinion is that in the biblical days, the man was to go out and “hunt” for food and work the land to grow the food (farming). This was man’s punishment for the eating of the forbidden fruit. The woman’s punishment was to have pain in childbirth. The job of the woman was to nurture her family–take care of the kids, her husband, and her household. She was to raise her family, her “business” was that of growing food in the garden for her family, run the vineyard (they drank more vine than water as water was scarce in the desert) and buy the material to make clothing for the family. It was basically understood that the man went out and “brought home the bacon” so to speak and the woman stayed home and cooked it. This was not in any way putting the woman down or making her less valued than the man was. This was how they were partners in life. The children had chores to do to help the mommy. Daddy was the disciplinarian in the family. Basically, the man would do just about anything for the woman. That is the way he was programmed. He still would if he was allowed. Women were on pedestals, but they “felt” they were missing something so they decided that they were going to go out in the man’s world and find out what the men did all day. I think they were surprised to find out that it was not all honey and roses like they thought it was. Now it seems neither gender knows their place in the world. They now have issues as to who is responsible for what! Being a wife and mother was the most honored job a woman could have. The marriage relationship is the only relationship that God honors. “What God has joined together, let no man but asunder.” The bible says that the daughter will leave the mother and the son will leave his father, but the husband is to cherish his wife til death do us part and vice versa. Even Jesus on the cross, put the protection of His mother under the care of his disciples. Men and women are programmed to function in a certain way. When you mess up that programming, you have problems. Just look around and see the way the world upside down, with men not knowing what their roles and vice versa. Just think about it. Just saying……

  9. Denise N. Fyffe, Administrator
    July 2, 2012 at 6:40 pm #

    Reblogged this on Revealing The Christian Life and commented:
    I had never thought about the insight that her teenage sons verbalized to her this week. They said that for a man to help someone who has not asked for help is disrespectful. Hmmm… You may want to read that again. A man would take it as an insult if someone swooped in and took over and did something for him (kind of the way we moms tend to do!). BUT it is NOT disrespectful to help a man who asks for help. Nina’s sons said that men respect that other men know their limits and when another man asks for help, then it is respectful to help him. Wow.

    That could explain a lot!

    If I see another woman who is overwhelmed with work – I know that the loving thing to do is to roll up my sleeves and help her. That’s not an insult! That’s love! So maybe there is more to this love/respect dynamic that is causing miscommunication that we need to really examine.


  10. Cindy
    August 19, 2014 at 1:47 pm #

    I am just gonna be straight up and blunt…this is all a bunch of crap! He is not a prince that we all need to becareful not to sound like we are nagging, complaining or commenting that he is doing it wrong! I should NEVER have to “ask” him for help! That just affirms it’s MY job in the first place! My husband gets up on his own, showers, gets dressed, and goes to work everyday without my help! He does his job without anyone being careful they don’t ‘upset’ him if he don’t do it right. He always makes sure his work area is neat and CLEAN which he constantly tells people. So he KNOWS what that is. He complains that people don’t appreciate it enough (welcome to my world!!) but he gets up the next day and does it again with or WITHOUT praise…because he HAS to or he wouldn’t have a job! So before I praise him after asking him for help to do the 10 loads of laundry that he steps over on a daily basis, he needs to know IT IS HIS JOB TOO! If he can’t notice the black ring that forms inside the toilet, I sure hell won’t be able to teach him how to use the toilet brush sitting beside it to clean it with! These husbands need a rude awakening!

    • peacefulwife
      August 19, 2014 at 6:33 pm #


      Well, plenty of wives agree with you completely. I used to be one of them.

      But tell me, how is your marriage going?

      Does your husband treat you well?

      He is your spiritual life? Are you full of the joy and peace of God? Are you content and fulfilled? Does your soul resemble Galatians 5:22-23 or Galatians 5:28-21 more?

      You don’t have to like this.
      You don’t have to agree with it. That is totally fine.

      But, if you want an amazing marriage, doing things God’s way is the only way to that end result.

      I tried things your way for over 14 years. I nagged, critized, belittled, tried to control, seethed with resentment, unforgiveness and bitterness. I held grudges. I enjoyed my bitterness and my pride and self righteousness. I felt totally justified in my sin. I looked down on my husband, had a scowl on my face a lot and a hateful tone of voice. I told him what to do and demanded my way.

      Here is where that road leads, my precious girl…
      – I was lonely, afraid, worried, anxious, stressed and upset almost all the time.
      – my husband was distant, shut down, depressed, discouraged, passive and wounded – by me.

      I invite you to read my about page and see how God radically changed ME first. And then how He began to change my husband and heal our marriage.

      Much love to you!

      • peacefulwife
        August 19, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

        I also invite you to read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and “For Women Ily” by. Shaunti Feldhahn. These are eye opening books that really helped me to understand my husband and his God-given needs as well as God’s design for marriage so much more clearly.

        And, I would also love for you to read “Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected” at the top of my home page.

        And you may want to search my home page for “Why Do I Have to Change First?” And “But I’m Right!” And “A Wake Up Call for a Wives.” You may also want to search the term “interview” and read my interview with my husband as well as Nikka’s interviews with hers. And, my husband’s perspective in the post at the top of my home page, “When She Surrendered” may be eye opening, as well.

        Praying for God’s healing and His best in your life and marriage! You are welcome here.

      • Mom of 3
        August 25, 2014 at 10:59 am #

        Cindy, I agree with you. This is a load of garbage and just took the women’s movement back around 100 years. The bible was not meant to be taken literally and the woman who wrote this page is completely brainwashed by evangelical Christianity. For what it’s worth, I am a preacher’s kid myself and have three kids and a husband.

        • peacefulwife
          August 25, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

          Mom of 3,

          Goodness, if your father taught you not to believe God’s Word, he did a tragic disservice to you! That makes me so very sad.

          It was some of the tenets of feminism that nearly ruined my walk with Christ and my marriage. I believed I could and should be in control and everything should be my way. I believed I knew better than God and better than my husband. I believed I was better than my husband. I criticized him, nagged him, belittled him, lectured him, used a terribly hateful tone of voice at times and was almost constantly negative. I was no fun to live with, that is for sure. What I did grieved God’s heart and deeply wounded my husband. I became so very prideful, self-righteous, resentful, bitter, anxious, controlling, disrespectful, afraid and lonely when I tried to run my marriage the way the world said to.

          Feminism undermined the existence of God -because it was promoted by quite a number of atheists. Feminism undermined the authority of God’s Word. It said that women are good and men are evil – which opposes the message of God’s Word that all people have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23. Women are equally wretchedly sinful with men. Isaiah 64:6. Women ARE of equal value to God (Galatians 3:16) but we have different roles in marriage and in the body of Christ. Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18, I Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5, etc… Feminism claims that men and women are the same, not just equal, but the same. But God made men and women to be different and to think and feel differently and to have different needs. If we ignore God’s design, our marriages suffer. And marriage has suffered greatly under the influence of feminism. Feminism gave us no fault divorce, pushed women to leave their homes and children because being a wife and mother was “oppressive.” Feminism gave us abortion. For more about the influence of feminism in our lives, you are welcome to check out this post, or read Radical Womanhood by Carolyn McCulley.

          Thankfully, God opened my eyes to my sin and radically changed me over the past few years by His power and His grace and His Word. Not because I deserved His love, but because He is so very loving and patient with us all. And then, God began to change my husband. Now we have the intimacy we both always wanted and the relationship we always wanted but couldn’t seem to ever have. And we are both much more the people we have always wanted to be.

          My goal here is never to uphold and exalt feminism, the women’s movement or any worldly ideals. The only One I want to exalt here is Christ Jesus and I want to lift up the truth of His Word.

          We cannot have God and reject His Word, the Bible.

          If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”
          Mark 8:38

          All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; 17so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.II Timothy 3:16-17

          To reject the Words of Christ and to reject the Bible is to willingly and willfully choose to be an enemy of Jesus and of God. That is extremely dangerous ground. I pray that you might prayerfully consider reading the Bible as if God intended it all to be there, because He did. God’s Word is the only source of absolute truth and the only solid ground upon which to build our lives spiritually.

          Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me. John 14:22-24

          My purpose here is to proclaim the truth of God’s Word, the Bible, and to share the truth of His design for femininity, masculinity, marriage, family and what it means to live for Christ as LORD of our lives. If you choose to reject the Bible, I can guarantee you will hate everything I write about here.

          I am praying that you might find the peace, joy, abundant spiritual life, purpose, love, forgiveness, grace, mercy and blessing that comes from living in total submission to Christ Jesus as Lord. And that you might also experience the blessing of living with Him in heaven forever when this life is over, instead of choosing to be separated from Him in torment and agony. Jesus loves you so very much that He willingly died in your place. You can come to know Him by His Word. The world has nothing of any value to offer you. Only Jesus can truly satisfy, heal and fill our souls with good things.

          Much love to you!

  11. Carol
    September 16, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

    I agree with both views I’ve also read that we shouldn’t have to ask our partners for help. If we ask then we are taking on the responsibility that it’s “our” job. I’ve been married 10’years, and I’ve made charts, my husband knows the routine, yet ignores my desires, but honestly, I think men are plain stupid. They only utilize one side of their brain at once and they don’t process information like women do. Nagging isn’t the answer. I was frustrated last week. I wanted help, so I said to my husband, remember when my mom was alive and lived with us? She’d say, someone should help carol do ( fill in the blank) he was offended by my comment and got angry. He walked away to go to his truck to tinker around. He even said I was being critical, and that wasn’t my intention at all, I wa just trying to get him to think, and help. so I thought I’d try a totally different approach. So I went up to him, ok, sweetie, honey, will you please help me in the garden. His response was, ok. No complaint. No argument. No criticism. Actually when I went to him I used a sweet voice, but I actually was thinking I was being mean or sarcastic, but he took it as I needed him. I couldn’t believe it. I got the help. I look at asking as begging. To me guys should just help, but I think they’re very insecure. More even than women.

    • Peacefulwife
      September 17, 2014 at 8:29 am #

      It’s great to meet you!

      I can definitely understand your frustration and confusion about why men sometimes respond so differently from women. And I know that it is “normal” for women to call men “stupid” and “insecure” in the world today. I would love to talk more with you about this, but I would like to ask that you refrain from insulting men here, please. Thanks!

      It is not that men are “wrong” or “stupid.” The thing is, they are very different from women. They think differently. They have entirely different ways of looking at life and different paradigms than women. And then, of course, there is individual variation as well.

      Where I know I went very wrong for the first 14+ years of my marriage is that I assumed my husband should think and act like me – a woman. If he didn’t use the words I would use, or respond as I would respond, I judged him harshly and labeled him, “unloving.” I completely missed his heart and misunderstood him and his masculinity. And I didn’t even know it.

      It turns out, that, men respond to respect. They think through the lens of “respect.” They have their own unwritten rules and ways of behaving with one another that we as women today often are totally unaware of.

      Your husband responded to what he perceived was a respectful approach by you.

      I hope you might check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect. It is pretty eye opening to begin to realize the ways we can wound our men and the things that speak respect to them (which is the way they feel loved by us).

      I also invite you to check out my “about” page at the top of my home page as well.

      Here, I focus on what we as wives can do to bless our husbands and to become the wives God commands us to be. I focus on our end of the marriage instead of what husbands “should do.” It is actually very empowering to realize what we can control (ourselves) and what we can’t control (other people), to drop our expectations and just to approach our husbands with wide eyed wonder and learn what life looks like to them.

      Much love to you!


  1. To Married Men, From Wives Everywhere: An Open Letter about Housework | Fairytale Fix - December 9, 2013

    […] Maybe we just haven’t asked. That’s a real possibility for some of us. We may have expected you to read our minds or expected you to simply know. Or we may have watched our mothers do everything and just felt too guilty, too inadequate, to ask for help. And maybe you watched your dad pay the bills and leave everything else to your mom. Maybe you watched how your uncles and older brothers and friends’ fathers did nothing in the way of housework. It’s not your fault. It’s not our fault. We were born into it. […]

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