Why Our Words Can Make Things Worse – and Our Silence Can be Golden

Bob Grant, a marriage psychologist and author of “What Husbands Can’t Resist” and “Women Men Adore and Never Want to Leave”, writes “Words are for women.” Women respond to words. When a woman is upset, lonely, scared or even doing great, her husband’s words of love touch her soul deeply and heal her, making her feel cherished and loved. Women LOVE to read and hear LOTS of words from our men, especially emotional words – they make us feel emotionally connected and bonded with our men. We love letters.  In fact, a love letter/email/text will actually give us an oxytocin high! That’s the bonding hormone associated with breastfeeding.  Love letters and words of love give us a literal high, a feeling of euphoria! We love LONG talks – the longer and more detailed the better!

MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM US!!!! WAY MORE DIFFERENT THAN WE THINK!

Well, the opposite is also true that words aren’t for men. We REALLY need to understand this! Men do NOT respond to words the way we do. Words do not mean the same thing to men that they mean to us. Men bond over time and by sharing experiences with us and especially by having regular physical oneness with their wives. That is a big way that they get their oxytocin high that makes them feel emotionally connected to us! Men are not wired to feel more loved and emotionally connected with words. And sometimes our Niagra waterfall of words and emotions are just WAY too overwhelming for our men – they can feel like they are drowning in all of our fast moving words and emotions and just want to get OUT!

When we are having a conflict in our marriage, we as women tend to want to immediately resolve things with a lot of words. We think if we can talk it out or write about it, we can make it better. And the sooner the better! That is what WE need and what WE want! But our men don’t do well with a lot of words – and they need a LOT MORE TIME to process emotions. We must be very patient and understanding about this or we will prolong and inflame the conflict.

In fact, our words can very easily repel our husbands further away, even when our intentions are good and we are trying to reconcile with them. All that emotion and verbal intensity can feel disrespectful, confusing and overpowering to a man. Our husband’s blood pressure goes way up during conflict – he feels that he is being challenged to a fight, and he can’t always see the loving intentions of reconciliation when he sees such anger and hears such volume and negative emotions from us.  It takes most men a long time for their blood pressure to come back down, and most women’s heart rates and blood pressures stay stable during conflict. (“His Brain, Her Brain” by Dr Walt Larimore MD) Conflict is scary to a guy.  All kinds of emotional accusations and information is flooding him from seemingly nowhere. He doesn’t have the millions of nerve connections between the halves of his brain that we do.  He can’t access his memories or emotions very easily.  Add to that – he is usually totally blindsided and unprepared, while we have been thinking about the topic all day before we bring it up.  Totally unfair!  If there is an important topic you would like to address with your husband, it could be helpful in some marriages to mention in an email, “I’d like to discuss X whenever it is a good time with you this week, Sweetie! Thanks!”

Bob Grant says that “Men respond to pain and distance, not words.” We think, “If only I could EXPLAIN!!! Then he would understand!  He would rush to my side, hold me and kiss me and apologize for all the pain he caused me. And everything would be fine!” But we don’t get it that he wouldn’t understand. If he were a woman, maybe our explanation would help. But men don’t want or need our explanations. REALLY. Our explanations only make things worse and sounds like excuses for our sinful behavior to our men. It makes them think we are saying that we are right and they are wrong (which, honestly, is probably what we are usually saying – we may need to do some soul searching here), and our attempts to reconcile can come across very disrespectfully to our husbands.  Disrespect will always repulse and disgust a man and make him want to run away and live in the desert by himself.

“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.”  Proverbs 21:19

Or we think, if only my husband could read this passage of scripture, it would help him! Then he would love me the way I want to be loved. That’s really our goal. We want to change our men to make them love us and meet our needs the way we want them to be met and then we think we would be happy and everything would be fine. That is actually a fairly selfish and immature goal on our part.  What about my husband’s needs?  What about his feelings?  What about his goals and desires? Am I following his leadership, or trying to take over?  Am I honoring God, the Bible and my husband with my desires and attitudes?  I need to think in terms of our unity and oneness, not just about me! 

Or, we think, if he would just listen to this sermon by this pastor, he would be convicted and hear God speak to him, so I will tell him he needs to hear it. Or I will tell him about his sins and how he needs to repent to God, then everything will be great.  He’s really the one that needs to change after all.  I am a victim here.  I haven’t done anything wrong.  WAIT!  Before you gloss over your own side of the fence, ask God and maybe even ask your husband if you have been disrespectful in some way and need to apologize to make things right.  We ALWAYS have sin in our own hearts that needs addressing and when we handle that with God and apologize properly to our husbands, then we are actually moving towards real reconciliation and peace.  That is the real goal – oneness, unity, peace, holiness, glory for God!

WOAH!!!! IF YOU HEAR NOTHING ELSE, PRECIOUS WIFE, HEAR THIS:

OUR HUSBANDS often CANNOT HEAR GOD’s VOICE THROUGH US through OUR WORDS – WHEN THEY ARE FAR FROM GOD.  OUR WORDS CAN BE EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE IN CONFLICT – ANY ATTEMPT ON OUR PART TO PREACH AT OR LECTURE TO OR TELL OUR MEN WHAT TO DO SPIRITUALLY WILL WIDEN THE CHASM IMMEASURABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will say, that when the marriage is strong, and the husband’s leadership is being honored, husbands may be able to hear some spiritual things from their wives just fine, if it is done respectfully.  But if your husband is being disobedient to God’s Word, you are not going to be the one he can hear spiritual words from.

If your husband is asking you to do something wrong, then you may need to cite scripture as the reason you cannot follow his leadership, but with great respect and humility!

WELL THEN, WHAT DOES WORK?

We want to HELP them. We want to MAKE things better. We have the best of intentions. We are trying to be loving. Unfortunately, many times the “loving” thing to do comes across to our men as “disrespectful.” This takes time to really study our men and understand their needs and HOW different they are from us! But our husbands can’t hear spiritual things from us – especially if there is conflict. Wives EASILY come across as “holier-than-thou” without realizing it. And a husband instinctively knows that God gave HIM the leadership role and authority in the marriage. It is a HUGE slap in the face of disrespect for a wife to try to verbally instruct her husband in spiritual matters. Even if he is less mature than she is spiritually – her WORDS WILL OFFEND HIM and he may walk away from her AND from God. THIS IS CRITICAL TO UNDERSTAND! We think we need to say “just one more thing” but we are causing serious damage that is very hard to reverse. A wife can quickly turn her husband off from herself and from God with any discussion of spiritual things especially when the marriage is not doing well. (If you are dealing with physical abuse, child abuse, an active addiction, active infidelity, an untreated severe mental condition – get godly, qualified help ASAP!! Don’t try to handle those kinds of situations on your own!) The ONLY way to get through to a husband who is far from God or who is deeply wounded by his wife is prescribed by God:

Wives, in the same way (as Christ was submissive to God) be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe (or are disobedient to) the Word, they may be won over WITHOUT WORDS by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” I Peter 3:1-2

It is our behavior that touches our husband, our godly, respectful, humble attitudes that preach the most powerful sermons to them!

Some practical approaches to try:

  • If your husband says something hurtful – and you say something very simple like, “Ouch.” (Laura Doyle “The Surrendered Wife”) Or “That hurt!” (Something that briefly communicates you have been wounded by him – he has caused you pain). He may immediately apologize. But if he doesn’t, leave the room quietly and respectfully if possible – you will get him thinking about what he did wrong and what he said that was unloving and hurtful and he will be left alone with his own damaging words (Bob Grant).
  • Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (“Love and Respect”) suggests a wife might say, “That felt unloving, did I come across disrespectfully just now?” That gives your man the benefit of the doubt and allows him time to clarify his actions and whether or not you may have contributed to the problem. This approach is very humble and non-judgmental. Great one to try!

If you and your husband are in the midst of conflict – Shaunti Feldhahn “For Women Only” found that most men are feeling disrespected in conflict – you must learn the honorable thing to do from a man’s perspective. You must learn to speak the language of respect fluently or you will continue to sabotage yourself unknowingly and severely injure the man you love with your disrespectful attitude, words, facial expressions and tone of voice. Your love is not enough. Your husband would rather have your respect than your love! This is his BIGGEST need as a man!

If he says words that hurt you, and you fire back at him a barrage of name-calling, terrible words and accusations of your own, then he can think about what YOU did wrong and not have to think much about what HE did wrong! A woman’s respectful (NOT pouty) silence and/or absence give a husband the time and space he needs to process his emotions – which can take 8 hours or more from the original incident for most men (“His Brain, Her Brain” by Dr. Walt Larimore). Her silence allows him to hear God’s voice and his own conscience. If that doesn’t induce him to apologize, Bob Grant suggests whenever he approaches you to say, “I’m still upset.” (End of discussion) And stay physically distanced from him in a respectful, calm, peaceful, poised way. Then let him decide to come to you to apologize. This works best, of course, when you are normally happy, joyful, pleasant, peaceful, admiring and respectful around him and he usually really enjoys being with you. Then he will greatly miss your smile, your adoration, and the bright light that you shine into his life. He doesn’t really need more info than that you are hurt by what he said and that you have respectfully distanced yourself from him because you are in emotional pain. He’ll get the message. And you won’t have muddied the waters by responding in anger to him and then having a whole list of things to apologize for yourself.

  • “In your anger, do not sin.” Ephesians 4:26.
  • “He who holds his tongue is wise.” Proverbs 10:19b.
  • “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1.

The whole thing will be a lot less painful and over much more quickly if the wife refuses to respond in anger AND keeps the words to a minimum. When he does apologize, be ready to forgive graciously as Christ forgave you!

GIVE HIM SOME TIME:

What to do with all that time for yourself? I know you are chomping at the bit to go approach him and try to reconcile. You can write him a long gushy, emotional letter, but DO NOT SEND IT!  Tear it up after you have finshed with it.  It will help you to get your thoughts on paper, and then condense it way down to maybe a short paragraph or bullet points to keep in mind for when he is ready to talk if you really have things that need to be addressed specifically. But he may need time to think and figure out his emotions. Give him the gift of time, space, peace and quiet to think.

Go pray for him. Pray for yourself. Ask God to bless him as the leader of your marriage. Thank God for making him a spiritual authority over you. Pray for God to give your husband wisdom to lead you and your family. Make a big list of every great quality you can think of for your hubby and thank God for his good points. Thank God for His grace and forgiveness that has been extended so freely to you. Thank God for empowering you to forgive your husband. Thank God for the opportunity to practice forgiveness and to see how ugly sin is and how much God despises all of our sin. Ask God how you can return good for evil and how you can bless your husband. What could you do to serve him? How can you respond in gentleness and peace? How does God desire you to maintain poise and grace? Ask God to show you if you did something disrespectful that may have triggered his hurtful words. Sing praises to God. Do something relaxing for yourself. Be patient. Once you have dealt with your anger between you and God and forgiven your husband, you don’t have to rush him. He will come to you to try to make things right if he knows the pain he caused you and he sees a godly, peaceful attitude in you.

LET HIM PURSUE YOU AND INITIATE CONTACT AGAIN:

Sometimes we try to rush things along by initiating a big conversation – but every time I have tried to make things better with lots of words, things ended up being worse! “Where words are many, sin is not absent.” Proverbs 10:19 Men often need only about 5-10% of the words that we would normally want to communicate when emotions are running high. They need the bottom line. And when they have done something wrong, or we have done something wrong, they may need space. We want to be pursued. They do not. For us to pursue our husbands makes them feel extremely smothered and suffocated and makes them want to run for the hills.

Wait on God to work. Wait on your husband to process things.   He will come back to me when he is ready.  I’ve tried this!  It works!  MY SILENCE DRAWS HIM TO ME.  But my words would repel him.  When I am upset, I have learned that I only do lots of damage if I freely spout all of the words and emotions in my brain. If I can condense things down, maybe wait awhile and let my husband sort through his feelings, wisely discern what to share and what not to, and actually have some discretion – I can avoid doing monumental damage that would take a long time to heal.

We don’t want the sun to go down on our anger. And we do need to reconcile with our husbands. But late at night when everyone is exhausted is usually a really bad time to have deep, emotional conversations with our men. You can deal with your anger and forgive your husband and pray, but if he needs more time, or he rolls over to go to sleep – we can graciously accept that our husbands need more time and peacefully wait for a proper apology and reconciliation the next day or two instead of demanding one late at night and causing more of a mess. We think we need to be honest. And we do – to a degree, but we must employ wisdom and discretion! Being honest is one thing – I can briefly state the problem and my feelings in just a few sentences or just 5-10 minutes if it is a big issue – but dragging up every single brutal detail and bringing up multiple things from the past and clubbing my husband over the head with each one for 3 hours is counter-productive, and destructive to the relationship and to my husband’s leadership – not to mention utterly sinful.

There is a way that seems right to a man (or a wife), but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 14:12

THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO MY FEMALE MIND!

This stuff is HARD for us as women to swallow. It is EXTREMELY counter-intuitive to be quiet and not talk about all the things we are thinking and feeling especially during a conflict. To follow I Peter 3 goes against all of our own wisdom, understanding and intuition as women. We all tend to think that surely we are the exception to that passage!

 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6 

Our men are very different from us. Their needs are pretty much the opposite of ours. If we do what would help us feel better, it will likely not help our husbands, and may wound them much more deeply than we can appreciate.  We can do what we are comfortable with as women – and continue to fail miserably to acheive the intimacy we long for in our marriages – or we can learn what works from God’s Word. We need to learn our husbands’ language and study their needs and become the wives God desires us to be – wives who stretch and grow and become selfless, humble, mature and eager to learn all they can about God’s design for marriage.

Lord,

Help us to learn to have discretion, patience, self-control, grace, forgiveness, mercy and respect in the midst of conflict with our husbands. Give us wisdom to do what is going to promote love, respect and healing for everyone, not just ourselves. Help us see that our natural tendencies to talk a lot about the issues or write thousands of words about our feelings are likely to wound our husbands and marriages more. Help us to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way that honors our feelings, You, our marriages and our husbands. We love You, God! We want to mature and grow and become all that You desire us to be as women, wives and moms! Amen!

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22 Comments on “Why Our Words Can Make Things Worse – and Our Silence Can be Golden”

  1. Daniel P. Robertson
    March 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    Hi April,

    You definitely have a lot of good points here. I would point out though that a husband needs to learn how to use his words to make his wife feel loved. It can be hard for us, at time, to figure out how to do this, but it is also our responsibility to do our best. But for the ladies, just remember that your husband doesn’t the way he does out of malice or lack of interest. He probably wants to do better but his thinking is foreign to yours. Give him some grace.

    • peacefulwife
      March 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

      Daniel,
      I totally agree that ideally both the husband and wife would be bending towards each other and learning to meet the needs of the other! Here, I am really only addressing wives, but YES! Husbands could help things out a LOT by being willing to listen more and by hearing their wives’ pain under the anger. Even if a husband feels at a loss about what to say, if he could just hug his wife, affirm his love for her in spite of the conflict, and hold her and maybe even pray with her – all of that would help a wife TREMENDOUSLY!

    • Natasha
      June 10, 2014 at 1:02 pm #

      Excellent article- this is so “me” trying to push, fix things and send scripture. My husband is deployed, he left a very strong Christian(about 10 months ago) and now seems to be very weak. He has decided to be tempted by flesh- i do not know to what extent and he has pretty much given up on our marriage of 11 years. He has asked me to let him go- which I will not until he returns home and figure things out.. so my question is would my silence make him feel like it is ok to pursue whomever it is or whatever it is that he is pursuing? I pray throughout the day and at night … we have 2.5 months or so left.. its been the longest month of my life already.

  2. mensmoments
    October 22, 2012 at 1:14 am #

    You said things here that are so wise and true it brings years to my eyes (well at least welled up) thing I felt but could never communicate. I so poor at processing these innate feelings into words or even making sense of them in my mind. Corpus Callosum deficiency ? Thanks you for such clarity to women and to men who need to see the words they cannot verbalize.

    • peacefulwife
      October 22, 2012 at 7:54 am #

      Mensmoments,

      You are very welcome. I pray it will be helpful. And I am praying for God’s richest spiritual blessings on you, your walk of faith in Christ and your marriage.

  3. Rebecca Budd
    May 6, 2013 at 1:58 am #

    April, I enjoy your blog and your videos SO much. I found this article to be extremely helpful to me. You hit the nail on the head on something I struggle with very much. It is probably my weakest area. In the past, I have handled conflicts with my husband horribly! I was extremely disrespectful and very anti authority. I had a deep rooted FEAR of being controlled. I have always loved God and grew up in a Christian home, but I have to admit that I did not learn positive ways of handling conflict growing up. Quite the opposite actually. But it’s through God, godly counsel, and role models like you that I am finally starting to change, and I’m finally learning HOW to be the wife and Christian woman I always wanted to be. I just didn’t know how. I am SO happy to find women like you, reaching out to women like me and teaching us, through Scripture who we were meant to be in Jesus.

    • peacefulwife
      May 6, 2013 at 10:00 am #

      Rebecca,

      I’m SO excited to hear what God is doing in your heart. That is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! I pray that He might bring great glory and honor to Himself through all that He is doing in your life. :)

      Thank you for your comments! I can’t wait to see what God has in store!

  4. Rebecca Budd
    May 14, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

    April, what about when we’ve done something wrong? What about when we mess up and our husbands are angry with us. Like today for example. I had the truck and I was supposed to pick him up from work. Well, I crashed today after running around and fell asleep. I woke up too late. I messaged him and he said he was already on the bus. I can tell that he is really angry. I just don’t want to escalate the situation. This article is helpful, but I had to read it again and it doesn’t mention any time when you’ve messed up and your husband is angry with you. That would help me a lot. Thanks.

    • peacefulwife
      May 14, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

      I would certainly humbly apologize in a situation like that. Once. And then let him deal with his anger. I don’t know how big of a temper your husband has. He may need some space/time to calm down.

      “Honey, I am SO SO SORRY that I didn’t pick you up on time. I feel AWFUL. I apologize. I hope I can make it up to you somehow.”

      If he says, “You should be sorry. How dare you not pick me up…” And continues in anger, try saying,

      “I agree.” “Yes, I am very sorry about that.”

      Don’t argue.

      Don’t defend yourself.

      Don’t attack him.

      Just be humble and willing to take responsibility for your mistake.

      THen give him the time and space he needs.

      Possibly, your husband might allow you to make things up to him in the bedroom tonight – but it probably depends on the guy.

      I hope that helps!

  5. ButterflyDove
    June 25, 2013 at 3:41 pm #

    Wanting our spouses to change for the better as God would like is a great thing, but yes we do need to know how to approach that happening. Learning how to approach when our spouse is sinning and can’t see themselves and therefore putting the blame on the other spouse is great, too. Wanting to actually know that our spouse loves us and that we exist to them is beyond important as well. One of my things is that I really want to not let the sun go down on our anger like God says and so I try to let that happen, but how can it when the issue doesn’t get resolved, no apology, words from him are extremely hurtful, long lasting, and make things way worse because then I’m hurt beyond recognition. My husband got on depression medicine in February and has actually become the loving man I have always longed for and prayed for in our marriage. Two weeks ago he started acting really strange again and that love disappeared. He won’t be honest or open about his medicine, but I know that he has to have altered his dose or not taking it consistently—he did something to upset me after he had already been acting in this different way and so I was upset with him and expressed that–he’s been a beast ever since. He is telling me that I am all of these things that I am not or doing things that I am not (conspiracy kind of talk). He has also called me a B… several times. That I think has been the most devastating so far because there is no remorse and no need to have said that even if I had been acting in a certain way to be called that. No one should ever be called such a thing. I’m hurt beyond repair now. I have a 1 year old and so I’m staying at my parent’s house because I don’t feel safe around him right now, I don’t want to enable him to continue to act/speak this way, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore than I already am. He’s very mad that I am over here, but nothing else was doing any good. I tried the distance thing—not being my normal loving, sweet self—and calmly telling him that I am still hurt once a day. So I have no idea what to do. I am worried about leaving him by himself because of the depression/medication issue, but I’m also not going to keep our baby and myself in that environment right now. I hope the distance and waiting for him to come to me which I have always longed for will happen, but I’ve never had that faith in him that he could be capable of doing this since he never has, seems completely void of remorse since I’ve known him, seems to be void of emotions and love. His mother is actually being Jekyll and Hyde and being extremely rude to the point of one calling her something, but I wouldn’t and hope that one day I can just tell her to stop and that it is wrong in what she is doing. I’ve made an appointment for us with a place our pastor recommended that is free because we don’t have any money. That’s not for another 2 weeks though. Any prayers or words would be much appreciated.

    • peacefulwife
      June 25, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

      Butterflydove,

      As a pharmacist – I am concerned that your husband may well have abruptly stopped his medication. Or could be adding something else on top of it. I understand why you feel that you can’t be there. I pray that he might talk to the dr and to a pastor. When people are depressed or have uncontrolled mental disorders, they do and say things they would NEVER do or say if they were in their right minds.

      It may help you to not take what he is saying so personally if you can realize that this is not the real him right now.

      What you are describing sounds like something medical is going on to me. Do you know of him abusing any alcohol or drugs?
      It could just be that he stopped the antidepressants. that can cause a HUGE personality change and change in affect. The paranoia thing could be part of a more complex mental disorder or a drug situation as well.

      I am glad you are going to get counseling.

      I will pray for you both!

  6. Paula Blackwell
    September 19, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

    Thank you for this posting! i am struggling with some of these answers, but I will not doubt God. He knows our hurt and pain. I am grateful to have read each posting and to live and love the christian way. Indeed it is hurtful, and sometimes very upseting i will trust. Marriage is a lot of work, dedication and time. i have been marriaged for 10 years and just now learning so much. I want to seek counseling and believe that I should. Please pray for me and my family! Thank You!!

    • peacefulwife
      September 20, 2013 at 8:06 am #

      Paula,
      Of course I will pray for you and your husband! Let me know if there is anything you want to talk about. :)

  7. kimberly
    November 12, 2013 at 8:41 am #

    Needed To Hear / Read This .

    I Don’t Understand { Meaning My Situation }, But God Gets The Glory !!

    What Does One Do , When apology Has Been Made { Genuine Apology } And They Say Nothing Back ?

    That Scripture Comes To My Mind Instantly : If You Forgive Men Not Their Trespasses , How Does One Expect God To For Give You Of Your Trespasses ?

    { I Used Own Words } But The Verse Is Found In Matthew 6.15 , KJV . { Which Is The Bible I Use }

    Whats That About ?

    I Mean That With Sincerity !!

    Email Me , With Explanation If You Can , Please . Thank You

  8. trampledrose
    December 8, 2013 at 8:55 pm #

    I am not sure if you would be interested in my story but I have been submissive our entire marriage. At times it cost me on a deep spiritual level. My husband did not grow up in a home that the wife was submissive. He even told me at once that he wished i would nag him so he would get things done that he was supposed to. That was how his mom did it and it worked. i actually leave the trash because it is his job to do it. It will stack up for weeks at the end of the counter. i do not nag. He is a grown man. if i empty the trash then the trash becomes my job from then on out… i wish i was not serious. He spent years comparing me to business women who seem to have a job and a famly too. Yet he never asked me to work outside the home .
    i find that my submissiveness just seems to cater to his selfishness. i know he recognizes it because when someone compliments us on our kids behavior he gives all the credit to me. One day i expressed that i was grateful that he recognizes me in those situations but it hurts that he does not just say, “thank you” and leave it at that. He said, “well i cannot say thank you because i am not the one raising the kids.” what he does not get is that we are a team and should be doing this together and what hurts is the fact that i am the only one wo can take credit for our kids. To his credit he has improved but it only seems to come after i have been deeply hurt or after he has goofed up so bad. i need for him to be more intentional with me and the kids but fear they will be grown before he gets a clue. i have prayed and begged but now find myself wondering if God even cares. My husband spent 9 years being ungrateful for my submissive heart and now that he finally understands that he needs a submissive wife i feel i struggle with respecting him any more because of all the things he did over the years . He served himself at the expense of his wife and children.At times I dreaded him coming home because i was afraid of what new sin he would bring in the door. I am not saying i was perfect but even his own family has been telling him he needs to grow up.
    Just recently i took the kids to do a tour of the fire department with a homeschool group. The fireman ended up seeing my sad little boy who had not had a chance to sit in the firetruck. it was after the tour was over. The fireman immediately took my little boy back and let him sit in he truck. i was so grateful for that act of compassion for my son and the firemans kindness. my husband would have basically told my son to suck it up because he would not have wanted to go all the way back. For the first time i found myself thinking too much about another man. I have read as much of you blog as i have been able too but i only get sad and envious that you have actually had sucess with you submissiveness especially after having been controlling before. Help! :( what am i doing wrong?

  9. Justina
    December 17, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    Hi. I stumbled on this post and I am so happy I did. I want to be in the loop at all times about your blog and I tried finding a subscribe button where I can subscribe to your blog so that I can be getting updates to your blog in my mail. is there a way I can do that. I am so sure I will be so blessed here. Awaiting your reply. Thanks.

    • peacefulwife
      December 17, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

      Justina,

      It is wonderful to meet you! :)

      Yes, there is a subscribe button on the right hand column under my picture. :)

      “Subscribe to Peacefulwife’s Blog”

  10. Caitline
    January 21, 2014 at 3:24 am #

    Hi there,
    This is my third year of marriage and I just found out that my husband had a child with his sister. Yes, I knew he had a child from an earlier relationship but he never mentioned who exactly was the mother of the child. I am a bit confused, very frustrated. What can I do? Am I a believer, yes, Is he a believer, no. Ya, that is my situation.

    • peacefulwife
      January 21, 2014 at 7:49 am #

      Caitline,
      Oh no! :(

      What a miserable situation.

      Is he still involved in a relationship with her?

      How is the marriage going? or, how were things before you found out about this?

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      Do you have a godly Christian woman counselor you could talk to? Or a godly pastor?

  11. SLM
    February 25, 2014 at 8:20 am #

    Hi there

    I am so glad I stumbled upon this blog. I am 21 weeks pregnant and I moved to stay with the father of my child 2 months ago. We had discussed marriage and the plan was to marry in June, however in November I found out I was pregnant so we decided to concentrate on the baby for now and marry after I give birth. It has been an emotional roller coaster for both of us, adjusting to living together and my emotions whilst I am pregnant.

    It definitely has not been easy. I must say I have said many hurtful things in my anger when I felt he wasn’t giving me enough attention or time etc. We had an argument last weekend which resulted in him pushing me and me slapping him. (I know I was completely out of line, but I think I had been bottling issues from many incidents in the past 2 month – no excuse still)

    I felt absolutely horrible, I immediately started apologising and crying, he left the house. He came back the following day and did not speak to me. The day after, he spoke to me and explained how he felt and how he was scared of the way things had turned out on the night we fought. I felt he was much calmer and just needed time. I did not respond, giving him time to really let out his feelings and I wanted to think of the best possible way to respond to him without causing another fight.

    The following day I smsed him whilst at work and told him how I understood how he felt and my actions were out of control, and I really was sorry. I did mention though I wasn’t sure if he still wanted to be with me after all that. He responded and said I could stay at the house but he had decided to leave. I arrived home after work and he was gone. He took only some of his clothes, but its a week without him now and its becoming unbearable. I tried calling him and smsing him the day he left and the morning after which he refused to respond to and only responded stating that he was done with me and wanted nothing more to do with me.

    I haven’t tried calling or smsing since then, I have just been praying and I would really love to fast but I feel I have been eating haphazardly already because of the stress and too much time spent in thought. I do not want to harm my baby and I really wish I was not going through this during my pregnancy, but it is what it is. His sister smsed me a few days ago saying I should just leave the house and start all over again because I am crowding his space and I am not really his wife after all. These were hurtful words to me, however I did not respond. Correct me if I am wrong but I believe he will come and tell me to leave if that is how he feels. Even if he asked to her to tell me, we agreed I would stay when he left, so I am not sure what to do.

    Its been a while and its painful but I want to continue in my prayers and se what God reveals to me regarding the path I should take.

    I feel a lot better after writing this down as I have not been able to cry much in fear of hurting my baby and I feel people are tired of hearing my story.

    Please advise.

    Thank you.

    • peacefulwife
      February 26, 2014 at 6:24 am #

      SLM,

      Goodness! I am so very sorry for your pain. :( What a difficult situation. :(

      The good news is, Jesus IS able to heal you and to give you every reason for hope! I don’t know if He will restore this relationship. But I do know He is able to radically change and heal YOUR heart if you are willing to trust Him and give your life to Him, accepting the gift of His death in your place for all that you have done wrong that has offended God’s holiness. And I know His Spirit can give you wisdom about what to do each step of the way.

      I can understand not wanting to completely fast when you are pregnant. You could choose something like “sweets” and fast from those if you want to. Or- you can just get on your face before God and beg Him to forgive your sin and ask Him to help you turn from it. Tell Him you want to stop living your way and begin to live His way. Get in your Bible and seek godly friends and read the posts here and really seek to know God and put Him first way above everything else. He will change your life! :)

      I think it may be wise to give your man space at this point. It sounds like he is afraid and doesn’t want to lose control and hurt you again.

      Do you have any godly older wife mentors or a godly pastor you could talk with?

      Much love and a BIG hug to you, my precious girl!

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