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When my Husband Hurts Me – What Does God Desire Me to Do?

Marriage was designed and instituted by God.   The roles of husband and wife are not interchangeable!!  The Church does not provide for Christ.  The Church is not stronger than Christ.  Christ doesn’t submit to the will of the Church.  Of course, He submitted to the will of His Father in dying for Her, and what He does is always out of love and for her best interest even if He must sacrifice Himself.  The Church does not have authority over Christ to tell Him what to do.  But She can entreat Him for help and mercy.  She can ask for what she needs, knowing He has all the wealth of the universe at His disposal to assist Her in accomplishing His will.  He is the Prince and She is His Princess – and He will share His royalty and paradise with Her!

The mystery of Christ and the Church does fall short in human marriage.  Marriage is HARD!!!!!!  And PAINFUL!!!!!  Sin hurts all of us- our own sin and our spouse’s sin.  Marriage, after all, has two sinful human partners.  Husbands are not infallible like Christ is.  Husbands make mistakes.  Husbands have shortcomings.  Husbands lose their temper wrongly or can be selfish or unloving or hateful or even cruel at times.  And wives definitely can be hateful, bitter, disrespectful, and cause pain and hurt, too- but right now, let’s focus on those inevitable times when our husbands sin against us and hurt us, when they lash out at us, and purposely or accidentally hurt us… when things go wrong (which they WILL!), what are we as Christian wives to do?  I’d love to hear your feedback- what you have learned over the years, and, with your permission, I would love to share your insights and wisdom with the group. (If you are being physically abused, or have a husband who is an active addict, mentally

If there were somehow a problem between the Church and Christ, how should She approach Him?  With screaming, tantrums, pouting, name-calling, guilt, nagging, accusations, bitterness, pride, arrogance, a holier-than-thou attitude?  That would be extremely inappropriate considering the position of the Church in relation to Christ and all He has done for her.  She has much more dignity and self-respect than that.  She has Her faith in Christ and also in God.  She doesn’t need to resort to infantile methods to get her Husband’s attention.  She may boldly approach Him for help and mercy in Her time of need.  But She always reverences Him, knowing how powerful He is and Who He is.  She has a meek, humble attitude.  She has poise and self-control.  She seeks His best and has a disposition to be agreeable to His will and to say yes to His desires.

Even if a husband sins against his wife, he is designed to respond to respect as she confronts him about it.  (Matthew 18 is how we are to respond when we are wronged). His sinfulness does not negate God’s command to his wife to show him respect.  In fact, when a man is disobeying God, it is her very respect and quiet and gentle spirit that does not give way to fear that will draw him back to God and help him see the enormity of his mistake and his accountability for her well being.   Any HINT of disrespect will often make him put up his protective wall to keep his wife out of his heart.  If she lashes out with anger in her pain, she may alienate him further- not entice him to return and to reconcile.  And if she sins against him in retaliation, she will give him plenty of ammo to hold against her and then he’ll be thinking about what she did wrong, NOT what he did wrong.  Her gentle, peaceful, respectful way of confronting him to say he hurt her will cause him to only see his own wrongdoing and to have his own hateful words ringing in his ears and will make him want to scoop her up and protect her and make things right.  I implore all of us – when dealing with a husband who is hurting us – tread carefully here!  Yes, he has wronged me (the Bible promises us that all people sin and stumble in MANY ways- there are no perfect people here!), but if I retaliate or handle this situation wrongly, I will create a much wider chasm than he did.  Gary Thomas in
“Sacred Influence” says that the time I am most tempted to sin is when I am sinned against- HOW TRUE!  God’s goal is unity.  I am called to speak the truth in love to my husband.  I do need to bring up wrongs when I am sinned against directly to the one who hurt me, but with the goal of reconciliation in my marriage and between and my husband and God.   This frame of mind can help us be respectful, peace-loving, patient, gentle and keep what is best for our husband in mind if we do need to bring up an attitude or action or words of his that were hurtful.  (“A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1)

**  If you are in an abusive relationship, or your husband is actively involved in an addiction/alcoholism/infidelity or you are in danger – PLEASE get godly, experienced help immediately!  Those issues go way beyond the scope of this post.**

I pray that we might each prayerfully go to God first when there is a problem.  I pray that we might reverently approach His throne and appeal for His aid, respecting the authority our husbands have over us, even if it is being misused or we are being wronged.  Our husbands have God-given authority over us, like a military commander has authority over those who are under him.  There are many kinds of God-given authority – the government, bosses, parents, church leaders and husbands.   We can still show respect for the position of husband in the marriage even when our husband doesn’t lead well and even when he makes mistakes.  A husband who sees his wife still respects what is good in  him and has faith in him as a man and sees the man he wants to be is powerfully motivated to do better.

I would encourage us to approach our husbands only after a great deal of prayer, maybe even fasting (depending on the nature and severity of the situation) and with a great deal of humility, knowing we could fall just as easily and that we are in need of forgiveness by God and by our husbands daily ourselves.  We are not “better than” our men.  We are all equally wretched sinners in desperate need of Jesus.  Spend some time writing down your husband’s strengths and your own weaknesses before confronting him.  Thank God daily for your husbands strengths and pray to God daily for help with your own pridefulness and sinfulness.

I would encourage all of us to approach our husbands calmly, and to approach them with only this one recent event (not a litany of the past 20 years of their faults- they will give up and not even try if it looks impossible to please us) and a very concise statement of how we are hurting.  I believe most husbands are much more receptive and responsive to our pain than they are to our anger.  Anger will often scare a husband away.  Pain will draw him near- especially if he sees he can do something to help make the pain go away and bring back his wife’s beautiful smile.  And a woman who can gently, lovingly, firmly tell her man- “I know you are better than that.”  “I know you are a good man, and you don’t want to do X.”- will likely get better results than screaming, name-calling and throwing things.

A few things to check first before deciding to talk with him about things (I am not talking here about serious sins against you – if your husband has deeply wounded you, please talk to a Christian counselor, a godly older wife mentor or consider pastoral counseling):

–          Be sure that it isn’t hormones that are really having you feeling angry!!!!  Maybe even wait a few days if it’s around that time to be sure, if you can.

–          Be sure you are taking care of yourself!  Are you tired?  Are you hungry?  Are you sick?  Are you irritable?  Are you in pain?  Are you overwhelmed and overworked?  Being exhausted and spiritually/emotionally/physically spent can make every situation look a lot worse than it probably is.  Take care of yourself first and then you will be in a much healthier frame of mind to consider what the real problem is.   Be sure you have been having your quiet time with God and that you are caught up with repenting for any sins that you need to confess to God!!   This alone takes care  of a lot of issues!

–          Be sure you aren’t expecting something unrealistic from your man.  He isn’t God.  He isn’t your best girlfriend.  He can’t meet all your spiritual and emotional needs.  Maybe you need lunch with a girl friend.  Maybe you need more time with God.   Is what you are upset about actually something that is realistic to expect from a husband?

–          Have you done something disrespectful that upset him?  What is there that you might possibly need to apologize for?  It is so much easier to feel the pain others cause to us than it is to notice the pain we cause others.  Be as open as possible to the idea that his hurtful actions may actually be a reaction to something you said or did that hurt him and made him feel disrespected.

–          Is this really a big deal?  Really?  Really?  If it is small- it may not be worth mentioning.  Love covers over a multitude of sin.  (I Peter)  If it is just that he left a wet towel on the bed again- does that really require a confrontation?  Now if he insulted you or made a hateful remark or was rude- then you have something you need to deal with.

We can calmly, sadly and respectfully say things like, “I am upset.”  “That hurt me very much.”  “I am scared.”  “I am hurting.”  “I feel sad and angry.”  “When you said X, it hurt my feelings.”  “Did I just come across disrespectfully?  Because that felt unloving just now.”  (Dr Eggerich’s favorite line from “Love and Respect.”)  If right at that moment, our husbands say something hurtful, we can say, “Ouch” like Laura Doyle suggests and leave the room and let him think about “how he hurt the woman he loves most in all the world” and leave him with his own hurtful words ringing in his ears, with no ammunition from you being fired back at him.   And we can briefly (probably about only 1-5% of all the things you have thought about saying!!!) tell our husbands that we are hurt and how we are hurt.  And I would suggest that this process of telling him that you are hurt should probably not be more than a few minutes in most cases.  He is going to check out if this discussion goes on for 20 minutes or 2 hours.  That is overload for him.  He may need to think about things for a day.  It takes men at least 7 more hours to process highly emotionally charged information than it does for women.  Let him mull over what you say without trying to force him to apologize immediately.

I would suggest not taking the bait if he throws it back at you, “Well, YOU, have done X, Y, Z wrong!!!”  If you have done something wrong, it would certainly be wise to apologize ONE TIME, sincerely and without explanation.  “I apologize for being disrespectful to you.  I don’t want to do that.  I’m sorry.”  And leave it there.  No “but you should have…”  or “it’s just that you did X”  No explanations or excuses.  Just a simple single apology.  That will speak volumes.  And we need to apologize to God and forgive ourselves.

If he is able to apologize and come towards you to hug you, GREAT!!!  Reconciliation is occurring!  If at all possible, forgive him right then and then if you need him to do something to make things right, you can calmly, quietly let him know about that.  And then the situation needs to be dropped.  Like – forever.

If not, he may need some time- I am talking hours or days possibly, to think about what you said.

It might be that moving away and giving him space for awhile is a good idea- not for us to pout, but for him to have time to process.  Men aren’t nearly as verbal as we are and a lot of words and emotions can be overwhelming and takes a long time to digest.  Really!  Later, if he hasn’t apologized, and he tries to act like things are fine, you can say, “I am still upset.”  And that is all you really need to say.  (Bob Grant’s ideas).

But then, I would also suggest following Jesus’ ideas about blessing those who curse you, bless and do not curse them.  Be kind to those who insult you.  Repay evil with good.  Pray about how you might bless your husband.   I know God will give you some very creative ideas!  When he sees you bless him after he knows he was wrong towards you, he will have a huge crushing load of guilt to deal with.  And he will be in a much better frame of mind to see your pain and to hear God’s voice and repent.

This is certainly not an exhaustive work on handling conflict with our husbands.  And I am not infallible.  But I hope to give some healthy ways and maybe fresh ideas to handle difficult situations that might bring about reconciliation a lot faster and that might bring unity to our marriages and glory to God!  If you are dealing with a really serious problem: infidelity, abuse, drug addiction- please seek help from our pastors at church and the resources we have available!  Seek godly counsel.

I pray that we might all become more and more like Christ, more holy, set apart to accomplish His purposes in our lives, in our marriages and families.  I pray that we might be open to His Word and that He might make us the godly women He desires us to be!

With love and great anticipation of all that God is going to do in each of our marriages!

88 thoughts on “When my Husband Hurts Me – What Does God Desire Me to Do?

  1. I am struggling with this so much now. I love my husband & I respect him immensely but he has hurt me tremendously in the past 4 months. I feel like a failure every day because I can’t get over this hurt. My pain & hurt is causing him to hurt me worse. I feel like I have to stop loving him to make this crazy cycle stop. My true heart’s desire is to be the wife for him God wants me to be. I am failing. My pain does not make him want to protect me. My pain irritates him. I am praying for God to show me how to love & submit to him through this. I love my husband’s heart. I love the man I know he is when he let’s God be in control. I hate who we both are when we take control.

    1. Chastac,
      Has your husband repented?
      Are you both believers in Christ?

      Your pain only makes your husband want to protect you under a few circumstances:
      – he does not feel blamed for the pain, he feels he can be the hero and make things right
      – he has been feeling respected as a man for an extended period of time in the marriage

      THEN, when his wife is in emotional pain – he will usually want to protect her.
      BUT, she must express pain more as hurt and sadness, not so much anger and hatred. If he detects contempt for who he is as a man, he is likely to shut down and think it’s impossible for him to succeed to make his wife happy, so why try?

      Your words may make things worse when you are upset.

      If you want to email me, I would be glad to listen to the situation and give you my opinion – and attempt to point you to Christ and obedience to His Word.

      Or, if it is possible, seeing a godly ,Christian woman counselor or older godly mentor wife in your church may be very helpful.
      Would your husband agree to something like that?

      Are you physically safe right now?

      Much love to you!

      Praying for God’s healing for your heart, your husband’s heart and your marriage.

        1. Rene Arehart,

          You are welcome to share with me at my contact page – although – I am not able to individually mentor wives at this point due to time constraints. I may be able to point you in the direction of some resources that may help.

          Much love to you!

    2. My pain also irritates my husband I have told my husband his wrath that verbally comes out is mouth is hurtful but if does not cause him to stop it causes him to get more and more angry

    3. I can SO relate to your situation as my husband of almost 17 yrs. (almost 22 yrs together) recently walked out on the marriage and moved into his own apartment without giving me so much as a HINT of his plans to separate. Not only THAT, but the WAY he went about leaving me and kids was SO selfishly motivated…that for the first month he was gone I was filled with nothing but anger and sadness and disbelief that he could put me and our children through what he had already put us through. I was doing everything I could to gain an understanding as to why he went about it the way he did. I was sending him text messages constantly throughout the day almost daily filled with anger, resentment and bitterness…. followed by messages that were very apologetic and desperate sounding. I was literally on an emotional rollercoaster and did not know how to get it to stop so I could get off. It’s been almost 8 weeks since he has moved out and I still have a lot of weak moments, but I’m slowly beginning to realize that no matter how much I beg and plead with him that he not move forward with making our separation legal, he continues to have a coldness about him and it’s very closed off to anything if not everything I have to say and have said. I feel my days have been consumed with him and this decision that he has made all on his own to break up our family. Fortunately he has been fairly respectful in voicing his feelings towards the whole situation and has never once called me a name or used any harsh words. He has not verbally come out and told me that he doesn’t love me and does not want to make the marriage work, however he has made certain comments about believing there is no hope and that he has tried for a long time to warn me that this was the path our marriage was headed down. A lot of times I get angry as I read his messages and feel that I was never truly given a chance to redeem myself because he emotionally and mentally closed himself off to me vs. being honest with me and telling me what it was I could have done to save our relationship. I have learned the best and only thing I am capable of at this point is turning everything over to God and having faith that regardless of the outcome….. God will always love me and have my best interests at heart and wants nothing more than for this marriage to come back together and be whole again. I have realized there is only one way I am even possibly going to be able to win my husband back and that is by showing him unconditional love and respect… even IF I do NOT agree with his decisions or current behavior. And to be able to operate in a spirit of forgiveness and unconditional love we need to make sure that Christ is HEAD of our lives. Because trust me, right after my husband left I tried to do everything MY way and was motivated by my EMOTIONS to “get back at him” per say or “remind him of all HIS failures as a HUSBAND because I felt his reasons for leaving were motivated by HIS flesh and him feeling HE had done anything and EVERYTHING to save our marriage, yet I had NOTHING but ignore the issues at hand and pass blame and judgement. It’s SO normal when someone has wronged us to want to “stick it to them” so to speak….but that “eye for an eye” attitude is what is keeping us in bondage with the very spirits that have lead us to this point in our marriage. My husband and I were and even sometimes still ARE trying to pass blame on each other for what happened and who didn’t do enough of this, that or the other thing to keep it from falling apart when it was actually BOTH of us NOT doing our part to FULLY commit to the marriage and the WORK it takes to keep one together and going strong. I caught my husband with another woman last Saturday night and let me tell you….it was the WORST pain I’ve EVER had to endure. I was in such SHOCK that I had been SO blinded by what he was doing LONG before he even walked out on us. When he moved out, he had already been saving money for his apartment…or at least 3 months worth so he at least had the summer paid for. Not only that, he had been SO adamant about going to all the garage sales all over the county we live in (told me he was looking for clothes for our 8 yr. old son and some other things). Even though he was actually out buying almost EVERY necessity he would NEED to survive at his new place. Just the fact that he chose the FIRST DAY of our kids summer break to break the news to them that he was moving out and did JUST THAT within 2 hrs of telling them vs. at least giving it SOME time to sink in and become a reality they weren’t going to have their daddy for the whole summer…or at least not their dad AND mom together. But just recently my husband started being more OPEN to us doing things TOGETHER with the kids…so I’ve been trying SO hard to keep the times I’m around him (and the kids) POSITIVE and bring up NOTHING negative or about the PAST or the infidelity. There’s NOTHING worse than loving someone who doesn’t seem to feel that SAME unconditional love for US. Why is it that us WOMEN can be SO mentally and emotionlly battered, beaten and bruised by a husband and his actions…yet STILL want to be WITH them? As much as we TRY to get clarity on just HOW someone you once thought loved you MORE than anything in the world would NEVER do this to you….just know you’re NOT alone. It DOESN’T mean our husband’s are 100% void of feelings and love just because they’ve withdrawn and isolated themselves. It just means WE as their WIVES should be focusing on what WE can change in OURSELVES since more likelying than NOT….it was a specific attitude, lack of respect, being emotionally, mentally and physically unavailable to them for SO long that they did THEIR “shutting down” process long before we EVER saw any signs of their being trouble in paradise, even though we want to blame THEM for not being open with their emotions and being more transparent with us about their needs. I’ve learned over the years that MY husband responds SO much differently and BETTER when I ALLOW him to have his feelings and emotions that he has without me coming back at HIM with comments about how much I hurt and what HE has done to bring us to this point. Anyway, there are oodles and oodles of articles online that are VERY HELPFUL in learning just HOW to go about possibly winning our husband’s back. Some are better than others, but just make sure they promote a love for Jesus and that HE should be at the forefront of your life before ANY of this will get any better. Because if you AREN’T praying for your husband diligently during this time and lifting him and his brokenness and sinful ways up to God…then you probably won’t have as good of an outcome because your husband needs to have his heart opened again to the fact that HE and his behavior have played a role in all of this coming to a head. NEVER for a MINUTE believe the LIE of the enemy that YOU are fully to blame for how this has all turned out. Once your husband sees you living for and loving Christ (and others) with a Christ like love and being respectful to him no matter what he’s done or doing or HOW badly he’s wronged you…I guarantee there will be NO other option than for him to become convicted of HIS behavior and role in all of this and he will slowly but surely start finding you interesting again and intriguing and will DESIRE to know this NEW woman of Christ that he see’s before him now. So, leave it in God’s hands and allow HIS will to be done in your life and the life of your husband. God bless!!!!

  2. This is why Christian women (and yes Jesus is my Lord and Savior) are being abused and tolerating it. Please spend some time in fasting and prayer yourself, read scripture, and ask the Lord to reveal to you if your message here is accurate/Christ-inspired. Your heart is in the right place, but you have no idea the additional wounds you place on your sisters hearts enduring psychologically abusive marriages.

    1. Thenursewhowrites,
      Thanks for your comment – I updated a few things. I do not intend this to be a post for women who are being abused or for women whose husbands are addicted or who are suffering from untreated or uncontrolled mental disorders. I definitely don’t ever want to further wound wives. I desire to point them to God, to focusing on their own sin and their responsibility to obey God’s Word for themselves. I believe wives do need to tell their husbands when their husbands hurt them. If there are major abuses going on – that is definitely way beyond the scope of this post and this blog.

      I looked through the post and tried to be sure it couldn’t be construed to support abuse. If there are specific items that concern you, I would love for you to point them out so I can look more closely.

      Thanks so much for your concern and your comment!

  3. Hi Peacefulwife. I ran across your site and thought perhaps a mans perspective might be helpful….hope thats OK.

    Firstly, I wish to clearly express that the scope of pain that is being addressed here is not physical or emotional abuse. That would be a situation requiring serious help & council. Please know that what we are discussing are daily relational issues that are commonly dealt with in a fleshly manner causing a breach in the marriage relationship.

    My parents taught us that a wife is a treasure, a wealth of knowledge, gifted in many areas that many times we are not. If one considers the gifts that our heavenly father gives us we can clearly see that they are usually far more dynamic, precious, and more encompassing that we perceive or deserve. (I.E. life, dominion over the earth, salvation, etc.) A wife is no exception, I am not ashamed to say that my sweetheart is far more gifted, smarter, (definitely prettier!) than I am. That does not however relieve me of my responsibility to lead, love, provide, protect, nourish, cherish, wash with the word, etc. Her abilities do not cause a role reversal, but rather an awesome resource to draw from in order to properly lead my family.

    That being said, I many times in my lack of sensitivity and understanding say “the wrong thing” or “do the wrong thing”. usually, it means I somehow failed to demonstrate to her that she is safe or precious. I desperately need to know when these times occur……..I desire to grow into the responsibility to love her as my Messiah loves us. But in my flesh I often miss the mark. For me, there is no better teacher that my wife as to the nuts & bolts of how to love her.

    I definitely concur with the fact that men will hear better when we feel the respect of our wives. If we feel that we are failing in our responsibility and have lost the respect of our wives (by accusations, anger etc.) we feel weakened and hopeless in ever achieving our goal to lead properly. If she shares her heart and hurts with me as she would with someone she trusts and looks to for help, it causes me to want to ride in on a white horse and save the day! If I feel my wife’s respect for me, I can fight like a powerful soldier knowing her heart is with me. Without it, I feel alone on the battlefield and do not have the heart to fight.

    The parental gap in our present age has caused us to lose a wealth of relational knowledge that used to be taught by those older & wiser than we. I appreciated what I read on your site and see the potential of this kind of knowledge available to those who desire solid marriages.

    Don’t give up on us “clueless men” too fast!!! Some of us really do want to learn how to love our wives…….with your help & respect, we can.

    Thanks for listening,


    1. Roy,
      I LOVE this! I wonder if you might allow me to use it as a post, please?
      THank you for taking the time to share your insights and a masculine perspective. We DO appreciate that here!

  4. I have recently been losing my best friend of almost four years due to this “belief”. Her husband abuses her with religion, telling her as the Christian woman she claims to be(she is) that she must be in all way submissive to him. He abuses this word if God, he doesn’t let her go anywhere(girls days, girls weekends…etc) he constantly accuses her of cheating so he can get that extra attention and affirmation from her that she is indeed NOT cheating on him. He has cheated on her numerous times but comes back with “we are all sinners, and you are Christian and must forgive me and show me the Christian path”. She sometimes wants to muster up the courage to leave but her Christian faith prevents her from doing so. She has tried to leave but he just calls and calls and she doesn’t ignore him, he stalks her down wherever she is and says things like “God has spoken to me, he has opened my eyes. I going to change but you can’t see that change unless you come home to me.” He twists church sermons, one being about “if you are going down a road that is leading nowhere(hint hint) then stop taking the same road, try something different. If there are certain people leading you down the wrong road then try not taking that road with them. Build your own path with God…etc” she took this to heart and balled and was sure of what the right thing to do was, get out of Dodge!!! Then HE talks to her and convinces her it means something completely different. He interprets that it means they need to take a different path TOGETHER!!! Not only is this a bad marriage for her but she has 2 little boys!!!! I guarantee that when they grow up and have marriages and relationships with women that it will be the SAME! He uses this to his advantage. He is addicted to gaming online and will do this any free moment he has(cursing and talking about killing the other players, all fighting to the death games). Her four year old had to be called home one day for bringing a pocket knife to school one day and threatening to take another child’s life! This went on his permanent record, a four year old!!!! And he has a job at least(took him 5 years, at GAMESTOP!) he currently dies not have a drivers liscence because he has had so many run ins with the law($10,000 in fines) so she is the only one who can get everyone where they need to go. He also brings stolen items into tbe house and illegal weapons and has her pick some if these itens up for him since he cannot drive. he puts her in danger constantly”but he never physically abuses” .she is a fulltime student trying to get a degree in nursing but he interrupts her schooling everytime he gets a chance. It is affecting the entire family and she refuses to see it. She feels all she needs to do is show him the Godly path and do that by being submissive or what have you. She basically makes no decision for herself, ever. What say you to this? If this is the idealoligy of Christianity then I want to Never be Christian!

    1. Stephanie,

      This story makes me really sad. 🙁

      Does he claim to follow Christ himself?

      There are absolutely men who twist God’s Word and try to force their women into more of a “slave” type of position and who are controlling and abusive. THAT IS NOT AT ALL GOD’S DESIGN FOR HUSBANDS! God’s design is found in Ephesians 5:22-33. Husbands are to represent Christ’s love, selflessness, humility, sacrificial leadership and a servant’s heart to their wives and families. Husbands are accountable for their leadership to God and will stand before Him to be judged. What you are saying about this man tells me that he is not at all following Christ, but is following his own sinful nature. If he does not repent of his sin and turn to Christ for forgiveness and allow God to change his heart and mind, he will face severe judgment.

      Submission means honoring our husband’s leadership “in the Lord.” If my husband asks me to sin or condone sin, I cannot follow him. I must respectfully resist him. If my husband were involved in illegal activities, I would have to say, “This is not ok. I want to trust you and honor your leadership, but until you stop doing X, Y and Z, I cannot cooperate with you.”

      What do you mean that he puts her in danger constantly?

      A godly wife does say what she wants, what she needs and how she feels. Then, if her husband is not asking her to sin or condone sin, she trusts God’s sovereignty to guide her through her husband.

      There are times when a husband is so out of line that a wife may have to separate and seek godly counsel.

      God does give wives whose husbands are disobedient to His Word a prescription to show honor and respect to them and to cooperate with their leadership (unless the man is asking her to sin or condone sin) and not to preach or nag but to allow God to work in his heart.

      I would like to see her have a strong, godly mentoring wife or a Christian counselor – preferably for both of them.

      1. Stephanie,
        You may like my youtube video “My Husband Makes it Easy for Me to Submit to Him”

        This is how a godly husband acts.

        I don’t try to teach men on my blog. It is only for women. But I want women to be aware of God’s design for marriage. Ideally, we would only marry godly men who are completely submitted to Jesus themselves, who are humble, gentle, patient, loving, kind, etc.

        God can change husbands. And He can change wives. We can’t change people.

        There is hope for this husband. I will definitely pray for him and his wife!

  5. I hate my husband so much,I don’t think I will ever love him again,he has hurt me so much for the past 12 months,he always suspect am cheating just because I work in the mine,he checks my phone,dialed calls,received and massages,my face page am so tired of him accusing me,please help and am not cheating

      1. Yes we are both belivers,the rest of our relationship is good,its just that he doent trust me even thou I haven’t given him a reason to,even when I am 10 minutes late he thing he complains,when I got a lift from my colliques,do think he loves me or is he obsessed with me?
        Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

          1. Yes he was both in his past relationship and his childhood
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

          2. Mapule,
            So, maybe he has many wounds and scars that affect him. Maybe it is not about you. But he has fear because of all that he has been through?

            Would you please read I John this week and let me know what God speaks to you? And also Romans 8-12.

            Is it possible for you to be as open and honest as you can and to allow your husband access to your phone/computer and anything else so that he can see that you are faithful to him?

            What do you say to him when he questions you?

            Do you yell at him?

            What things do you say to each other?

            Would he prefer to take you to work himself?

            What does he ask you to do that would make him feel more peace?

          3. But I don’t understand why is he taking out his pain on me am not the bad guy here
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

          4. Mapule,

            People who have been severely emotionally wounded have a VERY hard time trusting anyone. They assume that any person will hurt them. He is reacting out of his hurt and great fear.

            He is not physically hurting you, right?

            If he is not, then, my suggestion is to do all you can to smile at him. Bless him. Love and respect him. Do kind things for him. LIsten to him. Cooperate with him as much as possible. Be friendly to him. Thank him for anything he does that is good.

            Find your contentment in Jesus alone. Seek His will, His wisdom, His purpose, His glory. BE willing to lay down your plans, your desires, your will, your wisdom, your rights – and live your life as a sacrifice to Jesus.

            Look over your husband’s shoulder to Jesus standing behind him. Treat your husband as you would treat Jesus. Jesus says that whatever we do to people, we do to Him. Overcome evil with good! Romans 12

            Jesus says to forgive men when they sin against us so that God will forgive us. Matthew 6:14-15 (after the Lord’s Prayer)

            Maybe God has you with this man to bless him and help him find healing from all the bad relationships he has had?

            You can’t change your husband. But God can. As you seek to be the wife God desires you to be, God will empower you to obey Him and to love and respect your husband so that you can begin to see and love your husband the way God does.

          5. Here is a post my brother wrote about when our spouses wrong us:

            Today’s post is a guest post by a VERY special guest contributor – my brother!!! Nathan Trevett is such a godly man, husband and father. I am really excited that he is going to be tackling some of the husbands’ toughest questions for us. I appreciate his sound biblical theology and Christ-centered approach. And he lives out being a Christlike husband and father. He doesn’t choose the passive route, or the tyrant route. He is very plugged in and involved. Today he is addressing the question of what to do when your spouse is wrong. He is planning to address more specific questions for the husbands in the future about what to do when a wife refuses to cooperate with her husband’s leadership. I’m looking forward to his contributions! If you have questions or concerns, feel free to comment!

            There is one major point that can lead this question down one of two paths. Has the spouse been redeemed by the atoning work of Christ on the cross? This point needs to be extremely explicit. This does not mean church attendance or a life devoted to religious church culture. It does not mean trying to do the right thing. It means understanding how big God is and how fallen we are and that only by Christ being crushed on the cross can He redeem our life. 2 Peter 1 gives a great list of fruit of the spirit then in verses 8-9 it shows that if you are not increasing in the spirit then you either do not have the spirit in you or you have become so nearsighted that you have forgotten that you have been forgiven.

            His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of of our lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is near-sighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. II Peter 1:3-9

            We can not expect non-believers to follow God’s word…it is foolishness to them. If a couple is unequally yoked, they are in for hard times. The burden is completely on the believer to live a life of love in patience regardless of the spouses actions. 1 Cor 7:13-16 is where Paul gives instructions for Christians with unbelieving spouses.
            And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? I Corinthians 7:13-16

            1 Cor 5:9-13 tells us not to judge unbelievers but that we do have a role to play in holding believers accountable. Now, the primary role of the spouse is to be love to them, to extend limitless grace and to endure all things. But, when a believing spouse is constantly going against a principle of God’s word it can fall to their spouse to point it out clearly and concisely in love. This cannot look like nagging and cannot be in response to an offense. This should probably be coordinated with a date and lovingly present the pattern that is in offense to God’s word. Once it has been brought up, that needs to be the last time it’s said. Both spouses need to be surrounding themselves with mentors and same sex accountability where these things are discussed.

            Other than that, it is the responsibility of the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Just like Christ’s love is unwavering in our unfaithfulness, we are called to the same love. I would not advise confrontation on any of the issues you mentioned (specific disrespect of a wife or refusal to cooperate with her husband’s leadership) until they become more than isolated events. As we are all married to sinners, the burden is on us to overlook individual offenses and constantly extend overwhelming grace.

          6. Thank u very much I will do that
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

          1. I do pray for peace in my family,I read my bible but not everyday
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

  6. Thank you so much for posting this. I try really hard to be a Godly wife, and it always seems that my husband thinks I fall short. He says things like, “Well I am a nice person, and you are not. ” “My family doesn’t act that way.” ” you are so much like your mother. ” ( being condescending, because my my mother has been married three times and he doesn’t like her. ) When he says these things, I alwayset him know it hurts my feelings and he just says its the truth. I don’t know how to get him to stop. Am I overreacting??

    1. Jennifer,
      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂

      Hmm… I can’t tell yet if you are overreacting or not. You can’t really control what he says – but I do think that if you can embrace his message and pray about it and ask God to show you if there is anything He may want you to change, that may help.

      It may be necessary to ask a few more questions:

      – What is it that I do that hurts you?
      – In what ways am I not acting “nice”?
      – Did I do something that felt disrespectful to you?

      Do you know specifically what he means about you acting like your mother or about what your family doesn’t do?

      I would suggest reading the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission. Ask God to show you what He wants you to change and do differently.

      Would you like to give me an example of a conversation between the two of you before he said some of these things and we can hash through this together? 🙂

      It is possible that God may be trying to speak to you through your husband. It is also possible your husband is being harsh – I am not sure yet.

      Here is a Youtube video about <a href="[youtube=]”>”Responding to Our Husband’s Constructive Criticism”

    2. No you aren’t over reacting its emotional abuse that will get worse if you allow it, I feel the writer of this article has no concept at all of Abuse to a Woman by a so called Christian Husband and most churches do nothing about HIS SIN

      1. Sheila,

        I do not specialize in counseling women who are abused – that is true. I have a number of posts on my site and hundreds of disclaimers throughout my site that if a wife is truly being abused – that she not read my blog but seek godly, wise, experienced, biblical counsel – and that she seek police protection and medical help and other kinds of help, if necessary.

        I don’t ever want anyone – husbands or wives – to be abused. I don’t condone any sin against anyone in marriage or any other relationship.

        I don’t have experience with abuse myself – my slant is that I was a controlling wife with a passive husband. God’s Word applies to all of us, but my most vulnerable sisters who are actually experiencing true abuse are going to probably need specialized counseling geared toward the abusive situation. Sometimes women with abusive husbands seem to hear me saying things on my blog that I do NOT say.

        I don’t want any woman who is truly in danger to stay in a dangerous situation. Please, get out safely and seek appropriate help!

        I long for every abused wife/husband to find healing and hope in the church and in Christ. There is supposed to be church discipline in place to help in situations like this – but, sadly, many churches no longer practice church discipline. And if a husband is not a believer, he wouldn’t care what the church said, anyway.

        The Salvation Army seems to have a particularly effective counseling ability for women in abusive relationships – that may be a godly resource to try.

        I have seen God do many miracles in some really desperate situations. I don’t ever want to tell women that God can’t help them or that there is no hope. In Christ, we have EVERY reason to hope!

        Much love to you, my dear sister.

  7. My husband disrespected
    Me so bad he called me names and stayed out all night I called no
    Answer straight to voicemail all night no text no nothing he’s been accused
    Of cheating with other women who has his phone heberbal abusive omg what should do

  8. I don’t know where to start. I am a veteran wife of 27 1/2 years. I have dealt with a lot through out all of those years from abuse physically n mentally, lies, adultery, and I have always forgiven. I can’t blame everything on my husband, because when I’m upset I have lashed out in anger to protect myself. My words is my weapon. I’m just so tired of the way we choose to communicate with each other after all these years. Yes, both of are saved n I am very strong in my faith with God. We’ve have been disagreeing all week and our conversations have been going into arguments, but yesterday I finally got fed up with it and said why are you acting like a a******. I realize that was not the right thing to say, but once it was out I couldn’t take it back. Well with that being said he called me a b****. and that pierce me to the core. I put up with so much from him for many years. He gives the reason why he said what he said was because I said what I said. I don’t buy that because his communication is always like that he lashes out to where I’m afraid. He goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. Its been awhile since he been abusive, but still that hangs over my head. He make promises that he do not keep he say that he’s going to get help n never do. I have caught him in several lies, but I still forgive n submitt. When I bring it to his attention that he hurt me he come back with a reason why he’s hurtor some excuse. don’t get me wrong we do have good times in our marriage relationship, and this does not
    always happen but when it do it is heated. I’m just tired n he put all blame on me. I admitted when I’m wrong even when I’m not I submitt just to keep the peace. I can’t talk to my friends about this because they just wouldn’t understand how I am still. putting up with this. How can I act like everything is okay n fulfill my reasonable serves to him. He’s a great provider, and gives me whatever I want except for his
    time, because he wk so much too. How can I forgive him for the B******* word? I don’t use curse words to call him out his name. But I know my mouth can go off sometimes to say what he’s not doing n need to do n at first it starts out good then after 20min. of it he’s going off n have flipped out. I know I can push his buttons. I’m not doing it on purpose I’m just trying to get him to respond n understand me n that I love him but when he does this or do not do this that it hurts me and our marriage. because sometimes he does not think before he
    react he just do it and then afterwards we both suffer the consequences. okay that’s all you get the picture.

    1. Christine,

      I’m so pleased to meet you!

      Well.. you have been through A LOT in your marriage. If there is still abuse, lies or infidelity going on – please, please involve a godly pastor or godly Christian counselor. I am not equipped to handle such serious issues here. Of course, God is able to handle anything. So is His Word.

      I would suggest apologizing for what you called him.

      I would also suggest deciding that you are not going to call your husband any kind of names – no matter what he does to you.

      It would be awesome if he didn’t call you names either. But you can set the tone by honoring Christ with all of your speech and refusing to sin against your husband even if he sins against you. You don’t have to yell and scream or cuss. You don’t have to be disrespectful. He can’t make you do those things. You are responsible for the words that come out of your mouth. He is responsible for the words that come out of his mouth. If you never sin against him – it will prick his conscience and make him much less likely to call you horrible things.

      I believe that you can forgive him knowing that you had just called him something equally horrible. It sounds like you are each falling to the other person’s level of spiritual immaturity. One of you will have to decide to be the spiritual mature one and to realize that this way of speaking to anyone else is unacceptable to Jesus. Check out Ephesians 4:29-5:20, I Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:22-23, Matthew 6 (the Lord’s prayer and the 2 verses after it about forgiveness), Matthew 7:1-5, Romans 12:9-21, I John chapters 2-4, James 1 – These are the ways God expects us to treat even our enemies. Surely that is how He expects us to treat our husbands. Please remember that God counts what you do to and for your husband as if you were doing it to or for God.

      Another thing that may help you to forgive is to really ask God to help you get a true grasp on exactly how much Jesus has forgiven you for. He has forgiven you for “billions of sin dollars” – so He can empower you to forgive your husband for a $50 offense.

      Much love to you my precious sister!!!

      Check out this Youtube video of mine
      <a href="[youtube=]”>My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Him

      My Youtube channel is ‘April Cassidy’

  9. My husband is 25, and we have been together almost 5 years, married for 3. He moved out, left me 10 days ago. He said hes not in love with me anymore. He loves me but not in that way. And it hurts so much. We’ve been through so much and ive changed so much to become a better wife, because I wasnt being the wife I needed to be and he repeatedly spoke to me about it but my age (22) just caused a lack of maturity on my part (and I know I have my faults and I know and take responsibility for our fair share of problems) and we were in two different pages when he tried to communicate our problems to me. He almost left me in February and that was a big eye opener. Many months had passed and right when I become the person I need to be, or at least attempt to be, and when I’m the most in love with him I’ve ever been, dedicated everything to him, he decides he no longer loves me and doesnt know if he’ll ever come home. I know God wants it to work out and I know he has my best interests in his heart and his timing is not my timing. I just feel so discouraged sometimes, I dont know how to release my marriage to him, everytime I do i feel like im back to square one because I start having fears and doubts, and time scares me. What if his feelings solidify and he realizes he really doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want to be with me? Hes receptive to me but what good does it do me when he wants nothing to do with me in that way. Just writing about it makes me want to cry because im so in love with him and there was a time when he was too. And i just want that back. But i dont know how… I feel so lost sometimes, all i find myself doing is praying and talking to God and hoping he’ll soften his heart, work in him and be who God needs him to be, to remember why he fell in love… I feel like my soulmate was ripped from me. We were best friends, but somewhere along the lines our communication faltered…

    1. Diana,

      I am so sorry for the pain you are going through! How frustrating that it is happening now when God is working so strongly in your life.

      Here’s what I do know – God can change people. We can’t.

      If you are able to focus on putting Christ first, submitting fully to Him as Lord, obeying Him and seeking to please Him above all else and you seek to bless your husband – that is what matters most. God will reward you for your faithfulness in heaven even if your husband is not acting in obedience to Him.

      But – God may work through you and work in your husband and bring about reconciliation. People’s feelings can change – especially when God gets ahold of their hearts. I see it every day. 🙂

      I have a support email group for wives whose husbands have abandoned them or are involved in infidelity if you would like to join. 🙂

      I pray for God’s healing for you both and for your marriage. Please keep on pursuing Christ and asking Him to make you the woman He desires you to be. We will trust God with the results with your husband.

  10. I honestly have issues with this. These things you give are the excuses my husband uses to continue abusing me. It is always my fault. He is wrong and so are many things you bring up. The Lord is very clear that a man is to love his wife. Never ever does it say in scripture that a woman is commanded to love her husband rather it commands a husband to love his wife. A wife is to respect her husband but how could she if he isn’t loving her as Christ loves the church? He is to lay his life down for her. 1Peter 3:7 even goes to say God will ignore a husbands prayers if he is even harsh with his wife. That doesn’t seem to me that God would demand a wife to respect her husband if the Lord Himself isn’t! Ignoring someone is a huge disrespect! The man is to be in charge so the household runs smooth. Look at how deacons are held at a higher standard, same goes to the man-he is after all the ruler of his house and in fact he is told to have his house in order. Also the Bible states clearly that if a man doesn’t provide for his own household he is worse than an infidel. He needs to lay his selfish needs aside to care for his bride. The wife of his youth. He is to chase her endlessly and die for her. If its her responsibility as you stated to approach with respect, etc then he just ignores Gods instructions. It is the man’s job to make sure his wife is NOT upset. Then she will not have any problem respecting him because she will feel secure, safe, protected and defended.
    My husband lives as a child. Never left mom and dad nor did he cleave to me. The consequences are overwhelming. God gave me visions and prophetic giftings that have all come true. Non of these evils would have ever occurred if my husband would have just followed the Bible-the ultimate blue print in life. Every time he sneaks, cheats, does anything behind my back God reveals it to me. Once I was shown he was talking to his parents after we had agreed to cut ties. He lied to me and had me in a choke hold lying saying I was crazy and he wasn’t doing it. Well the Lord showed him. He ended up falsely accused for doing something he really didn’t do, but failed a polygraph and went to jail. Guess what? He called me crying this is how it went “I failed the test!why would God allow this? I have to confess, I’ve been talking to my parents behind your back.” And there you have it. His parents told him to choose them over me. He then tried to kill me and called the police on me to take me away from my children so he and his folks could have their way. God intervened. Things got even worse. I had visions of sexual abuse. It came true. Husband didn’t believe me but I said God says you will take the blame for your dad, and that is exactly what had happened.
    After he said sorry and went through court he swore he’d change. Nope. Guess who’s fault it was? Mine. In his eyes. Still refuses the truth, forgets what the Lord has done more than once to rebuke him all because he feels he shouldn’t be told he’s wrong. I didn’t scream at first. Never yelled. He did. Then when I started to mimic his behavior it just fueled his blame game. I just found out he’s stealing money for his addictions. No remorse on his end. No in fact he says to me he can’t live with my controlling ways. If I were controlling he wouldn’t be this way. He just says whatever makes him right in his eyes. As soon as I bring in an outside party, he agrees he’s sick. Then tells me I caused all of the trouble. They don’t know the real me.

    See he says it is all because I don’t respect him. I would be sinning if I did. It would be akin to serving a false God. He didn’t and doesn’t deserve respect for living in direct disobedience to our Lord. He will not get respect for what he does. He needs to earn it. By the way-we’ve been to over 13 counselors who all agree with me. One man even said this “the Hebrew word for love means ‘giving’ when translated, it is a verb. Love is an action. LOVE IS WHAT LOVE DOES.”

    God is a righteous God, he is so clear about how husbands are to be. He puts way more emphasis on them then the wives. Respect is earned. If a husband follows Gods precepts then a wife would have NO issues respecting her husband.

     The husband is to love his wife above all other human beings. Consider Eph. 5:25 and 28; and Col. 3:19. These passages teach that the husband is to be considerate and tender. The verses in Ephesians 5 teach that the husband is to cherish his wife. This means that she is to be treated with tenderness and affection. This would mean that since love must be fed, there is to be a warm demonstrative love relationship. The husband has the responsibility of not only demonstrating his love and concern, but telling her. He should not sit in such self-absorption that he does not talk with her and communicate with her socially, mentally, verbally and physically. The husband will demonstrate his love for his wife in other ways, rather than just at the time of sexual relationship. If this is the only time that affection and consideration is shown, then a wife will get the idea that all a husband is interested in is her body and that she is merely a sex object.I Peter 3:7, teaches that the husband is to honor his wife. She gave up her name to take yours. Honor means that you should show her respect and this involves courtesy, consideration and emotional support. Be sure that as her husband that you do not hold her up to ridicule in public by the cutting remarks that you make. She wears YOUR name and is to viewed as part of your body. She is not perfect and you are aware of this. Do not expect perfection, but as Ephesians 4:32 teaches, “forbear one another”. This means to be gentle toward her. Control of temper, abstaining from physical violence and restraining a sharp tongue that makes one feel so inferior – are ways by which you can exhibit forbearance.Paul presents another responsibility of husbands in I Timothy 5:8 – “But if any provide not for his own, especially for those of his own household, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel”. Marriage is a financial venture and the husband has a responsibility to finance or support or provide for his family.Ephesians 5:25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for herEphesians 5:24-26 (in Context) Ephesians 5 (Whole Chapter)Other TranslationsEphesians 5:28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.Colossians 3:19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. I Timothy 3:3-5, and he speaks of ruling your own house. Now this discipline should be with love. Many times discipline is administered without love. The Book says in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers provoke not your children to wrath”, and again in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged”. The husband therefore does not leave all the discipline up to his wife, but shares in the molding and direction of your children. It is not a proper division of responsibility to say that as the husband I will provide the living and the wife is to take care of the house and children. The husband has duties even after his days work is done by which lie is earning a living to support his family.The Christian father should set an example for his family as he earns a living, directs the household with concern for each member, and as he fulfills his role as head of the house. He should see to their spiritual development by the life he lives and the direction in which he leads his family.1But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.2For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,3unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,…1 Peter 3:7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 

    1. Jill,

      I actually agree with you – husbands absolutely are to love their wives and to obey God’s Word and are held to a higher standard. I don’t write for husbands, so I don’t talk about that on my blog. My husband has a blog for men A wife cannot make her husband obey God. That is his choice – but he WILL stand accountable to God. A husband cannot make his wife respect and honor his leadership – that is her choice – but she will be accountable to God for her obedience. Husbands have a great deal more responsibility than wives do. I believe that a husband’s obedience to Christ can draw his wife closer to Christ. And I believe that God can use a wife’s obedience to His Word and His power working in her to draw a disobedient husband closer to Himself (I Peter 3:1-6).

      If there is major sin, there are times when confrontation or intervention can be necessary and where separation can be necessary. I believe a wife can still operate by showing respect even in such situations, in obedience to scripture. But – there can be times when a wife has to set boundaries or say that something is not ok and is hurting her.

      I have a post at the top of my home page for abused women. I don’t write specifically for abused women, because I don’t have experience with that situation. My slant is that I was a controlling/disrespectful wife with a passive husband.

      I try to say very often that if a wife is being abused, or if there are major issues in the marriage like infidelity, addictions, physical violence, uncontrolled mental health disorders, that this blog is not a good fit for those wives and I encourage them to seek godly, wise, experienced counsel.

      I am so very sorry for what you have experienced.

      Thank you very much for sharing your comments.

      Much love to you!

  11. My husband has a broken and contrite heart and spirit in most things theses days, however, everything I say and do irritates him. If he tells me I’m doing X and saying no, I did Y….I’m mouthing off. If I cry when he yells and curses at me for doing the small things he makes bigger than our marriage, he’s irritated. My voice irritates him. I could go on, but I really believe God is dealing with him, but I also believe that satan is, too, and he doesn’t realize it’s satan….what verses can I pray for that?

    1. This is abuse, i have suffered for 25 + years and Im broken now, don’t let it carry on, leave or make him leave if you can, until he stops it, no amount of scriptures or prayer changes it believe me and the Church
      turns its back on you

      1. Sheila,

        I’m sure glad you commented on these comments today. I am so sad that I somehow missed them last month. 🙁

        I’m very heartbroken to hear your story. 🙁 It especially makes me sad to hear you say that prayer can’t change things and that your experience has been that the church has turned its back on you. I just grieve with you to hear that this has been your experience. There are certainly times when a wife may have to leave or separate from her husband. I Corinthians 7 does make provision for that, thankfully. I sure wish it was never necessary for any couple to separate – but sin, especially unrepentant sin, can take quite a toll.

        There are times when problems are so severe that women need one on one counsel with someone who is experienced in dealing with abusive husbands. And there are times it is not safe for a wife to stay.

        How are you doing in your walk with Christ, my precious sister?

        Would you want to share a bit more about your pain? I’d love to pray with you and for you.

        Much love to you!

    2. nacloud38,

      I am so thankful that Sheila responded to you and to Amy – because it seems that I missed your comment, too. I am so terribly sorry!

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Are you safe?

      Does he ever apologize for anything or take responsibility for things he did wrong?

      Has he always been this way since you were first married?

      How long have you been married?

      Does he claim to have a relationship with Christ?

      What do you do when he blows up at you?

      Have y’all had a biblical marriage counselor, or a godly mentoring couple?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      Does he ever do loving things?

      Are there any things you genuinely respect about him?

      Does he have any addictions to drugs/alcohol or any mental illnesses?

      I have some posts about praying for our husbands (you can search “pray husband” or “prayer husband” on my home page search bar). But – I am concerned about the dynamics you are describing. If you are willing, maybe we could talk a bit more about what is going on?

      Much love to you! I am praying for you to have sensitivity to God’s Spirit and for His healing in your marriage!

  12. My husband is a believer. He grew up Catholic. I grew up Baptist. We are both believers in Christ. He constantly yells at our children, without first using other methods of discipline. He curses, not necessarily at me. However, his cursing is a big part of his vocabulary. I have taken the wrong approach at making him feel bad about the cursing (telling him how wrong it is, pointing out that I don’t curse, and getting angry). I would love to be able to approach him differently, but I am not sure how to stay so calm when he curses around our children. Do you have any pointers?

    1. Ashley,

      The book Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas has several chapters about dealing with angry husbands that I think may be very helpful.

      When is the last time you wrongly approached him about this?

      Have you repented for the way you approached disrespectfully?

      How long has he been a believer?

      Does he have any godly male mentors?

      How old are your children?

      Would you please search my home page search bar for “father” and read the posts about respecting your husband as a father. Let me know what God is speaking to you about how to approach your husband after you read these.

      And please read and watch “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin”
      Much love to you!

  13. I really love your blog…

    My husband and I have been only 1 year and he has literally broken my heart. Down to he was smoking pot in the parking lot when I arrived at our wedding ceremony, he didn’t write any vows, he didn’t get a suit or hIrcut until the night before and since marriage I have caught him lying about porn, fb messaging other girls, lying about traveling and working with women and I find out the truth on his phone. Telling me my boobs are too small, that I am gaining weight. He doesn’t talk to me at all. I lost a baby last August and he didn’t say one word to me…. Bottom line is I hate him.

    I was saved and became a Christian a month after the wedding. He and his family are “christian” and so now everyone is looking G me like I just need to forgive and submit, and learn to shut my mouth.

    I love God and wang to obey but I have literally not eaten in 3 days because I am so k to my stomach to even think of respecting him. I don’t reapect him.

    How do I get my heart changed? How can I forgive and trust? We aren’t even friends, we have nothing in common.

    I am so sad and feel this burden too much. I know grace is given but honestly I don’t want a good marriage I want out… I don’t like him and find very little to reapect about him.

    Help I don’t want to be miserable but I can’t get my heart and mind to meet up!



    1. You dont have to stayy in this, I have ben abused for over 25 years and im broken now, leave him and tell him unless he gets help and shows significant permanent change you will divorce him, dont put yourself though the hell I have , he is abusive and has to change or lose you, or if you cant stand him after what he has done already go now and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. This is only the start , try to get a copy of Austin James book the Silent killer of marriage , he was an abuser , there may even be more subtle things you havnt recongnised as abuse, he wont change unless he sees he will lose you even then some don’t, don’t waste your life on him get a real Christian Man who will love and respect you before you get more hurt

    2. Amy Swindle,

      Oh goodness! I don’t see where I responded to you. 🙁 I try to never miss a comment. My deepest apologies!

      What you have gone through would be incredibly painful. I cannot imagine. 🙁

      I praise God that you have received Christ! How wonderful!

      Let me share something with you, my dear sister – you are never required by God to respect your husband’s sin. You don’t have to respect him flirting with other women, using porn, or having affairs – if he is doing that. You don’t have to respect him for saying nothing to you in your grief over your precious baby.

      If you believe that your husband is involved in infidelity or if the lying and flirting doesn’t stop and he is not repentant, there are provisions in Scripture for a wife to separate from her husband – with the goal of eventual healing, repentance, and reconciliation – if at all possible.

      You can allow God to change your heart and God can give you the power to forgive your husband – but that does not mean that you need to trust him if he is untrustworthy. The forgiveness is so that you can be right with God – not to leave your husband off the hook. If your husband does not repent and seek Christ – he will face eternal damnation for his sins in hell. God will take care of any vengeance that is due your husband on your behalf. The goal here – is to seek that God might draw your husband to Himself and that he might find Christ and become a new creation in Christ Jesus before it is too late. You cannot change your husband. But you can be the wife and woman God desires you to be.

      This is a difficult case, and I would highly suggest that you seek a godly, biblical counselor who can walk beside you on this journey in person.

      I have a number of posts about wives whose husbands are not believers – you can find them in the “categories” section on the right column of my home screen – they may be helpful. And my biggest concern is your walk with Christ. You can draw nearer to Him even if your husband doesn’t change. But you do not have to stay with your husband if you believe he is involved in infidelity.

      Surely you saw something good in him before you married him – I would assume – because you did go ahead with the wedding. What good things did you see before?

      Is he willing to go to a godly counselor with you?

      Does he claim to have a relationship with Christ?

      How have things been going the past few weeks?

      How has your walk been going with Christ?

      Where are you spiritually now?

      The hatred will have to go. It will destroy you. I have some posts about bitterness that may be helpful, that you can search on my home page.

      Much love to you! I will plan to get back with you right away when you respond this time. If you don’t hear from me, please send another comment.

      Sending the biggest hugs to you! Praying for you today, my dear sister!

  14. The wisdom you share in your articles has been so helpful to me and I ‘m sure to many others as well, so thank you.

    In regards to the article above, how should we react to an apology that includes a blame? For example, my husband spoke to me in anger in front of our coworkers. It was because he asked me to give another coworker some documents and I left a couple pages behind. It was not a big deal (nothing important) but my husband got very angry at the fact that I messed up and he made it very clear to me and all. I went back to my office and after a good hour I texted him a simple text letting him know, with all due respect, that I was hurt by the way he spoke to me and I apologized for missing the papers. He replied with “its ok”. Then he sent another reply “sorry, its just I asked you to do it because I thought the girls (his admin) would mess up. ”

    So in a way, I see that he apologized, but it seems off. I’m already hard on myself as it is and I feel horrible that I messed up. This happens often though and I would just like some advice on how to respond to such apologies…

    Like I said it happens often. Any little mistake I make he is very quick to rub it in my face and has no compassion. I usually just stay silent otherwise I’d breakdown in tears. I’m just a soft person like that. I do show him compassion and grace in his shortcomings by the way.

    1. Josie,

      It is wonderful to meet you! I wish I could give you a BIG hug right now!

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Does he attempt to apologize in non-verbal ways – by showing a kind or generous gesture, by chance?

  15. Peacefulwife, I really appreciate your posts and this one was very helpful. I am very newly married and have been wrestling with a lot of different things since marriage, trying to do my best to respond respectfully, learn from my mistakes and learn how to communicate well with my husband, but it has been tough! One thing I would love your insight on, is hurt from a husband that seems to put his parent’s very very high in his life. I have expressed my hurt from feeling less than his parents or that he hasn’t made us “one” and keeps himself in his “old” family, but he doesn’t truly get it. I continually feel hurt when I think he is focused on his parents way more than me. I have prayed about it a lot, and possibly thinking of bring another couple in to talk about it, but I thought I would get your perspective. Thank you for considering responding to me!

    1. humbledbeloved,

      I definitely understand the frustration you are having! I felt my in-laws were too involved when we first got married. Looking back, I actually see that they were acting in love and trying to help us. But at the time, I felt smothered and reacted very disrespectfully to them and to Greg. 🙁 I kept pounding that verse about a man is supposed to leave his father and mother and cleave too his wife at Greg. With what I know now, 21 years later – I wish that I had respectfully shared my concerns, and then responded with kindness, respect, honor, and grace to Greg and his parents. God could have changed Greg’s heart if that was necessary. Or – God could have changed my heart. And I wouldn’t have created a massive cesspool of bitterness, disrespect, control, pride, self-righteousness, resentment, and unforgiveness between myself, God, Greg, and his parents. 🙁 I went on and on with very sinful motives and my wrong thoughts and bitterness actually did a lot more damage to our marriage than Greg’s relationship with his parents or the help they offered us.

      How long have you been married, my sweet sister?

      How much time is he spending with them? Or why do you believe they are too high of a priority?

      How do you respond when you feel so hurt?

      I’d love to chat back and forth about this and offer any insights I might be able to. 🙂

      Much love! AND the BIGGEST hug!

      1. Thank you for that insight. I know it’s always right to choose to respond lovingly and gently, its just so hard to do! I have been married 10 months now. It actually isn’t always how much time he/we spend with them, it’s his comments or stories he tells about them with me or if i’m listening as he talks to other people. Often, he will also say, maybe next time we can invite my parents to do this, etc. So that makes me feel like he is always thinking of his parents and when he can invite them on things we do. His mother is also a very very godly woman, who respects and honors her husband extremely, would do anything for anyone and would do absolutely anything for her son. That brings about another frustrating, hurtful issue to me, as I feel as though I will never measure up to her and my husband will forever see her as this amazing Godly woman who can do no wrong. I hope all of that made sense! I typically respond very short and often frustrated. A couple of times that I have expressed my hurt about feeling like his parents were being put first(He also uses them as advice givers, everything goes through them to see if it is wise or not, even big decisions we need to make) but he didn’t see my side and said that I was being unhealthy because he believes we should always use our parents as wise people in our life and have them help us not make mistakes etc…

        Thank you again for your time!

        1. humbledbeloved,

          As you focus on your walk with Christ and growing spiritually yourself, God can and will empower you to respond with gentleness, respect, kindness, and grace. And – as you focus on treating your husband with respect and honor, building him up, and affirming him – he may discover that he is able to make decisions on his own as he grows in confidence in his decision-making abilities.

          No need to compare yourself to your MIL. Perhaps you could learn from her beautiful example.

          He is not wrong to turn to them for wisdom and advice. You are not wrong to want to make decisions on your own as a couple. You have different perspectives. I vote to pray and let God move on your husband’s heart about how to best make decisions. You can respectfully share your concerns – probably just once about an issue. Then pray for God to work.

          ie: “Honey, I am so glad that you have such godly, wise parents to go to for advice. They do have a lot of wisdom to share. I actually believe that you are a very capable, wise leader and I trust you to be able to make great decisions as you seek God’s wisdom. I’m so happy that I get to be your wife.”

          If you continue to make it “you against his parents” – you can create a large wedge between yourself and your husband and create the very thing you most fear. If you can be on your husband’s team and appreciate his parents’ wisdom and influence – and pray for God to teach and train your husband in godly leadership, and support his leadership style even if he doesn’t do things the way you would do them – I think you may have a healthier marriage and spiritual life yourself.

          They do not have to be the enemy. Y’all are actually on the same team. But you do have a real enemy who is delighted over this tension, division, and strife and who would like to exploit it and keep you in a state of resentment and bitterness.

          Instead of resenting them, become the wife God calls you to be. Support, encourage, bless, honor, respect, and affirm your wonderful husband. Pray for God to work out the dynamics to be the most healthy way for all of you. Allow this trial to let God skim the sin off of the top of your life and to refine you and mature you in your faith.

          When you are feeling resentful, take it to God and repent. And then study about being a godly wife, godly femininity, and about how to grow closer to Him.

          Yesterday’s post may also be a blessing.

          Much love to you!

          1. Peaceful wife, I can’t say thank you enough for your wisdom on all this. It really helps me to process things by writing them out and talking about them and to have someone like you speak distinct, honest truth is really helpful. I will definitely refer to your replies as reminders and especially to refocus back on Jesus.
            Again, thank you so much!

          2. humbledbeloved,

            You are most welcome! How I wish someone had been able to speak these things to me with love 21 years ago before I made some really awful decisions!

            Much love to you! May God be greatly exalted!

  16. I wish my wife would do any of these, lol! I was wondering if you had a example of how we, as husbands, should approach our wife in this same loving way.

    We have some disagreements with her kids from a previous marriage, so much so that i moved out because of her allowing them to have sex, drink, drugs, be disrespectful, have kids out of wedlock, allow girlfriends to move in, etc. And this is only after two years of marriage….ugh. so much for the woman who says she always does what God says in the bible.

    So I didn’t tell you that for sympathy, or to vent. How would I have approached any one of those issues in a Christ like way, when her response is always “we agreed: You handle your daughter, and I’ll handle my sons.”



    1. Patrick,

      It is great to meet you, my brother!

      Was that the agreement before marriage?

      Second marriages are so tough – especially when there are children from previous relationships/marriages. Often, the spouses will put their children from before ahead of the new marriage – which is not a recipe for a healthy marriage.

      She is a believer?

      I don’t believe that Jesus would wink at or permit sin to continue on and on. He always confronted sin in love. It is not a gift to our children to permit them to live a destructive, sinful lifestyle. Proverbs says that if parents don’t discipline their children, they are willing parties to their deaths.

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for God to open your wife’s eyes to what is really happening and what He desires her to do.

  17. I am a Christian my husband is not, he just came out off the military after 22 years active duty, he has every know issue that someone with that much experience is gonna have after a while, dealing with it has hurt me so much ! He has outbursts of anger, he has rejected my oldest daughter (his step daughter) he’s cheated on me, he’s shut himself out from my family, as a mother I want to hurt him because of his out bursts about my daughter but as a Godly wife I am being quit, patient, praying and waiting on the Lord to heal him and break every stronghold Satan has on him, but when is enough enough ? I am struggling some days that I just want to yell at him but he has mental issues (ptsd) and I learned in the recent past that there is literally NO reasoning with him, he thinks there is nothing wrong with himself and he likes the way he is, I have gotten past the emotional abuse he has put me thru but this is another level and I need advise


    1. Melissa,

      Oh, goodness. 🙁 Such a painful situation. 🙁 My heart breaks for all of you.

      Do you have any support with handling the PTSD, a military wives’ support group or anything? Does he have a counselor? Do you have a godly mentor/counselor?

      There can be a point at which it is time to leave. That is something to prayerfully consider between yourself and God. How is your walk with Christ going?

      Should I Stay or Should I Go?

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for His healing for you, your daughter, and your husband.

  18. Hi, I am married 9 years now. God blessed us with a beautiful daughter who is 7 now. Our marriage was always a struggle. He himself came from a broken family and being the eldest he has to bear all responsibility of his mother/brother and sister. SO when he married me he actually wanted me to share his responsibilities. I think i took it as a loving gesture and helped him throughout. He wanted me to earn,,,,,earn more,,,,,study more to earn more,,,,,He didn’t want to have more children because he wanted his sibling to get married,,,,,then his mother’s health,,,,,then his brother’s visa,,,,,and so on.

    When his mother got immigration, his sister got married and had children,,,,his brother got immigration,,,,got married,,,had child,,,,,i thought may be now it’s my turn to get reward of my patience and hard work. But instead he started saying he doesn’t love me,,,,he used to make hateful comments about me and my parents. Things got escalated when he disrespected me in front of my parents and even with them.

    Then his brother and uncle came and they both lashed out at me in anger and said they will make my life hell. I called the police and left home. I bought myself a small 2 bed house. 3 weeks later my husband came to visit our daughter and apologized and said he is ready for counselling. We only went for counselling to a pastor for 3 weeks and because he doesn’t want to change and nor want to hear that he should change,,,,,he started criticizing the pastor. Now its almost 3 months and we had no physical relation,,,, no compassion,,,,,nothing.

    A girl called me 2 weeks earlier saying stop your husband from contacting my sister when i asked my husband he said we are only good friends but if you say i wont speak to her. There was no cheating, she took it wrong.

    Two strangers living in the same house where i am bearing all costs as this house belongs to me. I dont want a divorce. But how can i live with a person who doesn’t love me.

    1. Godsaveme,

      It is very difficult to build a godly marriage when one or both spouses had a very dysfunctional example. 🙁 So heartbreaking!

      What does the pastor say to you, my dear sister?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Sometimes, if there is severe sin going on – separation can be necessary. That does’t mean you would have to get a divorce. You could separate until he is willing to repent if he is truly involved in adultery or some major unrepentant sin/addiction/abuse.

      I don’t know what God may desire you to do. But here is a post with some questions to prayerfully consider.

      Sending you the biggest hug!!!!

      What do you believe God desires you to do?

      Much love,

  19. I am hurting, and my husband keeps taking from me and giving to his ex-wife and daughter. He moved out, because he said that he is giving his ex-wife 1,800 of our income tax, and i said why did you make this agreement without talking to me, and he said, its my money, and i can do whatever i want. Once again he moved out, but he says that he love me sometime, and always puts his daughter before God and i. He lets me know after he does whatever he wants with his ex-wife, and his daughter. I feel used, and a victom that he wants to take the house that God picked and gave me. I have why questions to ask you. Why does my husband does not share with me his weekly check and bank account? He knows mine. Why does he not share his desission about his ex-wife, and daughter? I do not have that problem with my ex-husband. Why does he idolize his daughter and ex-wife, and takes from me to give to them even when we have no food to eat. I dont idolize my children. I love my God, and seek his face about all things. Why does my husband think that is okay not to work 40hrs per week to provide for his wife, but gives to his 16yr daughter our money for food, and bills, and expect for me to pay all the bills? Who does such things, and believe that is right? Why does he believe in his decieving daughter, and manipulating ex-wife that is causing so much pain to me? Why did he call the ploice to my house, because i disagree giving his Ex-wife $1,800 , when she is not his wife? God sent a godly officer to this call and said to him that he is wrong, and that under God, i am next not his daughter or his ex-wife. Then my husband moved out, but wants us to stay married. Who does that? I believe that he has soul ties, and he is not lined up with God’s word in his part of a husband. We have been married 1yr and 6 months, but he’s been at home first 11 months, then i told him to leave, because his daugjter was out of control, and strive open the door to all evil, i rather problem solve, but he said that my daughter and i are the problem. Then i went for counseling with my pastor to see if we can reconsile our marriage and he said yes, but nothing has changed. He came back home 6 months later and told me it was to get income tax. Who does that? Then he moved out in one month, because i said to him that i dont mind you giving money for your daughter now that she is living with your ex-wife although you still have custody as long as you keep your word of $1,500, not her manipulating you for $1,800 for when you dont work 5-6 months out of the year, but write a letter stating that, and the $100 cash you give your daughter twice a month for her spending. Also add the $80 child support you give back to her. Evety two weeks for her paying you child support just to protect your self. He said to me, No! You are not going to control me like she did. Then the office said to him to go for a walk and talk about this tommorrow and i said i need to go for a drive. When i came home he pack his few things and said his co-worker is coming to pick him up. Who does that? No communication! But that same night he text me to say he miss me. Who does that? He is 59yrs old. I pray for God to guide me in this marriage, and strengthen me through his word. God have mercy on me, may your grace abound in our marriage. I pray Father, in Jesus Christ.Amen. I would appreciate any help! I am so hurt by his actions, words, and choices…Jesus is in control always even when i am hurting so much. Thank you.

    1. Arlene,

      Goodness, what a messy, painful, icky situation. 🙁 I wish I could hug your neck!

      Marriage is hard. It brings all of our sins (husbands and wives) to the surface and our insecurities and wrong ways of thinking. It forces us to have to face our true selves. But a second marriage is even more challenging. There are so many other dynamics and so much baggage that is brought into the relationship – particularly when there is still a living ex-spouse and there are children from the first marriage. The priorities and loyalty that are supposed to be present in marriage often seem to get divided.

      Marriage is supposed to come before children. God first, then our spouse, then our children. In a remarriage, people tend to feel guilty about what their children have suffered already with a divorce and often put the children above the new spouse. This, of course, creates a lot of jealousy and contempt and tension. Alimony and child support for the first wife take from the second wife, too, creating extra financial strain. It is not an ideal situation.

      I don’t know your husband or his motives. I don’t know his heart. When you say you have no food to eat, do you literally mean that you and your daughter end up going without food and missing meals?

      I’m sure your husband does have soul ties to his first wife. That is what marriage is supposed to do, create soul ties. And it is supposed to last a lifetime.

      From everything I have learned about men in the past 7 years, I also believe that men REALLY hate being told what to do – so I’m not sure that attempting to tell him how to handle the money (dictating to him what he should do) is going to work. If you want to influence him, he will need to feel respected by you in order to care about what you care about. Does that make sense? You can ask for what you need respectfully – but you’ll want to avoid telling him what to do.

      God can bring healing to your soul and to this situation! You and your husband are not beyond His reach – thankfully!

      Did you go to counseling? What did the pastor suggest for you to do?

      What relationship does your husband have with Christ?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Much love to you, my dear sister! I will do my best to point you to Christ. He alone has the wisdom and answers and healing you need.

  20. I hate my husband. He has been addicted to pornography for at least 11 years…that I know of…of our 15 years of marriage. He has had at least 3 emotional affairs. One of them almost ended my marriage. I am still skeptical of his claims that nothing happened. He is lying and telling a former boss to send him messages on Facebook so that I won’t see them and get mad. I have not helped the situation because I am angry, hurt, and humiliated. He just keeps saying that God is going to deliver him in His own time and not mine. We have tried counseling and the counselor ended the sessions because we were not having any progress. I want to leave…but the children. I’m exhausted. We are both Christians and I’m trying to follow Christ.

    1. TiredofTrying,

      How my heart breaks for you, my precious sister! Such a painful situation.

      I invite you to search my home page for “porn” for some posts about this difficult issue.

      Would you like to talk about your walk with Christ and how you can find healing regardless of what he is or is not doing?

      Much love to you and happy new year!

  21. I have been married for 7 yrs. We moved 600 miles from his family to be closer to mine, that includes his kids. I could tell he was getting more and more depressed being away from his kids. He started drinking, not coming home at night and losing several jobs. But in April he leaves to go to work and then calls me a couple hours later and says that he is on his way back to his hometown. I could come if I wanted to.

    I pondered over this for several months, I have a daughter that is a sophomore in high school, and she did not want to move. I made several trips there and was trying to talk my daughter in to moving. I finally did and told my husband the day I would be there. His sister had a party on November 14, I tried calling him several times and he never answered. The next day he answered and said he just didn’t want to deal with anything right then. So days go by and our conversation got shorter and shorter. Then one day after checking phone records I find that he had been seeing a girl since that evening, which I also find out that she is married /separated as well.

    So 2 weeks before I’m supposed to move there he tells me never mind, for me not to come. Cuz i waited too long. I have tried to call him, he changed his number and will not talk to me at all. He recently sent me a message about a check we receive monthly. After calling and checking the messages from his old phone it is that girl telling him she loves him. I texted him and asked if he loved her, and how he could fall in love with someone in a month’s time. He still never answered me.

    I am so heart broke, my daughter is devastated and i have no idea what to do. I pray often and I’ve gotten a few books to read. I have asked him to go back to church with me and still nothing.

    1. Nurse0808,

      Oh yuck!!!!! 🙁 What a painful mess!

      I am glad you didn’t go at this point. Maybe you can focus on your walk with Christ and on finding healing and strength in Christ and healing for your daughter and we will pray for God to bring your husband to conviction and godly sorrow and repentance.

      If he isn’t willing to speak with you – I would love for you to find a godly counselor and some strong prayer partners to surround you with love and prayer and support. I pray for God’s wisdom about what you should do next.

      I’m not sure that continuing to try to contact him at this point will be very effective. It sounds like he has shut you out of his heart at this time. But God can convict him. That is my prayer.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Are you interested in a FB prayer group to support you?

      Much love!

      1. My walk with Christ is getting easier. Thats another thing we, me and my husband started together. Then we both left him, Christ. I believe in everything about him. I question Him alot. And im trying to get to the faith and the guidance that I kno He has for me. It’s hard on not going to lie. I have now came to the point let go, and let God. I kno everything happens for a reason. And since I can’t just give a reason. I’m leaning towards He done this to get me closer to Him. And for my husband too. I kno that the grass is not greener in other pastures and my prayer is for my husband to realize that. And i kno that this won’t happen in my time and I cant force it. I was invited to a yes Lord girls Bible study this past weekend and I could not draw myself out of bed to get there. I will try again next week.

  22. Peacefulwife, I would like to say this just saved me so many tears and a few days of arguments with my husband. I needed to revive my knowledge of marriage from a biblical standpoint and get a grip on the “real” issue at hand. The day to day of marriage is not easy and you described the steps to keep it smooth on the wife’s part vwry eloquently. Thank you for the impartation of your wisdom. Please continue to share! Thanks!

    1. Geselle,

      You are most welcome. I sure wish I had understood these things when we first got married. I didn’t. And ended up crying many tears and making both myself and my husband very miserable and hurt.

      You may also want to search my home page for:

      – confront
      – conflict

      Much love to you! 🙂

  23. Hi, I ve been married for 4yrs and it has been extremely rocky. I flet my husband was less into God than he let me on initially. He seemed interested in reading the bible with me etc. When we got married, all that changed. He is 13 years older than me, I am in my early 30s. It was a long distant relationship at first and in that time we had so many arguments that resulted in him not calling or picking his calls for more than 2months, because I was financially dependent on him, I had to tell my parents. He complained that I was argumentative, complained that I wasn’t being real with him. It broke my heart. I love the lord, so I drew close to God. I had already made up my mind to get a divorce when he called me to meet, cos he had come down to be with his family. So we talked and we agreed to try again. I decided to be more respectful and submissive. Now two years from that huge fight, we are living together with a son, I am trying to get a professional job so he is still the sole income earner. I found out my husband cheated, I confronted him, he didn’t deny or accept it. I was hurt till today that he didn’t apologise and promise not to do it again. I am soft spoken and quiet. He likes to have his way and he complains a lot that he sounds like a nag. Lately after I called him cos I was missing him(he was away working) he spent the whole time rebuking me that I felt so bad. He said I give so much excuses. I was so hurt that I ve not called him, he has not called to know if his son and family is doing ok. He has two kids from a previous relationship and never fails to use them against me. I am tired , I am this close to leaving. What do I do. It’s been 4years of crying, I don’t feel any love, no intimacy.

    1. Ada,

      Goodness! What a painful situation, my dear sister!

      What I would like to do, if it is okay with you, is get a bit of a spiritual pulse on you first before we talk about the marriage issues. Because if you can receive the healing truth and power of Christ in your life, then you will have the power and wisdom you need to address your husband.

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ? Does he tend to be very perfectionistic, harsh, or controlling? How do you respond to his approach?

      What is your definition of being respectful and submissive to him?

      Does his criticism have any merit? Are there things he says that you believe are truly things God would want you to work on? Or do you believe that his words are just hurtful without reason?

      Much love to you!

      1. Hi
        Yes sometimes his complaints ve merit, and I ve been working on them. He said I was too argumentative, I ve stopped that. Lately he says I give so many excuses. But some are not merited, and very unfair. Yes he is a perfectionist, especially at work. He is not willing to go to counselling because he feels counselling is the end of the road as his previous relationship ended after counselling. I got saved years back but my relationship and the intensity with God has its highs and low. Lately I am working on my relationship with God, because I noticed that I ve spent so much energy on my relationship with my husband and I feel broken. I can’t handle anymore criticism because I know my worth.he has yelled so much at me that I work on eggshells around him. I don’t feel free to tell him thongs without getting judged. I love my husband but I can’t take being taken for granted anymore. The affair was 2years ago, his phone and laptops are password protected. Don’t know if he has cheated again but I know he is chatting up girls. Thank you

        1. Ada,

          Are you able to go to a godly counselor who will seek to promote the marriage covenant and God’s design for marriage by yourself? Living with a perfectionist who is harsh can be extremely draining. I am really glad you are seeking to focus on Christ because He is the only source of strength and power there is to be able to deal with this trial. The closer you are to God, the more filled up you are with Him, the more wisdom and power you will have to respond the way God calls you to and the more powerful your prayers will be.

          You know that he is texting/emailing/messaging other women? Do you know what he is saying or doing?

          I would encourage you to search my home page for these terms and read some of the posts:

          – godly femininity
          – how to stay filled with the Holy Spirit
          – identity in Christ
          – insecurity
          – security
          – conflict
          – fear
          – bitterness
          – command man
          – righteous anger

          Also, please check out the book Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas, it may be helpful.
          And the site deals with emotionally toxic relationships that may be helpful, but may be best not to read the comments there.

          I want to see you completely healed spiritually and emotionally and I am praying with you for God to intervene in your husband’s life, as well.

          Much love to you and the biggest hug!

    2. Ada,

      Is your husband willing to go to counseling with you? How long ago did he cheat? He has still not repented? Does he ever apologize for anything? Does he try to apologize by doing things instead of with words? Has he been willing to work on rebuilding trust?

      1. No he doesn’t apologize and only apologizes with actions very rarely as he feels he is always right. He has not been willing to work on rebuilding trust.

  24. I had to learn not to run. I left my husband 2 times before we wed and 1 after we wed. He asked me back each time. I now have decided to stay. You told someone on a previous post to treat my hubby as if he were Jesus. I am gonna try that. But it is very hard sometimes. He says i ask too many questions. He says it irritates him.
    When things are well….he says i am the best wife ever…when he is upset…he then tells me all the things that he does not like about me. That hurts me. I just need to learn how not to let those things bother me. Please pray for me. These post have helped me. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Your husband and no other husband is Jesus. Wives should not elevate their husbands to that level. This is dangerous. There is only one God in Heaven and only one Son, Jesus Christ.

      Your husband and you both will stand in judgement before God. Your husband is mortal human being. It is higher in his position in marriage, but if you met him on the street, he is just a man. who can not rule over, nor touch, nor control, nor anything else. You are just, to love him as a fellow human being.

      1. Pk,

        I totally agree that husbands are not deity. Here are some posts about that – y’all are welcome to search for these on my home page:

        Spiritual Authority
        A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage
        Biblical Submission Does Not = a Husband Is Always Right
        Husband Idol
        Biblical Submission
        Lordship of Christ
        Submit to God
        the pendulum effect
        healthy vs unhealthy relationships
        command man

        Some additional resources:

        Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem
        The Danvers Statement

        For those in emotionally abusive marriages:

        For those experiencing more severe abuse:

  25. In a moment of needing to hear a God – based counseling article I found your post. Last night I had a talk with my daughter about this boy she likes and recently just became Bf/Gf. I flat out ask all my children have you done anything (physically/sexually), I am blessed to have open dialog with all of my children. She said no way. I believed her… almost, I felt she was hiding something. Around the end of our conversation my husband came home and we just went back to our evening routine. A little later in the evening my daughter asked me to come into her room, she wanted to talk to me. I was in our bedroom with my husband sitting with me, I get up to go to her and he asked what she wanted, I said “I don’t know, guess I’m about to find out”.

    That’s when she told me she and a previous boyfriend had sex and that it was back in January. (I had had a feeling as I was going to her room that I was walking into my worst fear as a mother to a girl.) So, all I could do was say nothing for fear of exploding, I turned to open the door to her room and leave, she stopped me by saying “Mom wait. I know your disappointed in me and I am sorry. It wasn’t worth it and it the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.” All I could do was nod my head and turn around, walk out and close her door.

    My head couldn’t wrap its self around that my little girl wasn’t as innocent anymore. That the one thing I prayed and talked about to both my sons and daughter was to wait for marriage.

    When I came back into our bedroom and sat down on my side of the bed, my husband asked me whats going on. I couldn’t even speak yet. All I could say was “hold one”. He said “okay, whats going on?” I said “give me a minute to get control of myself.” Understandably he said in a very perplexed tone, “ok, I dont like this.” Please keep in mind I’m still trying to process all of this in the span of a couple minutes, so I sit quiet, head bowed, feelings and memories spinning in my head, then the timeline of events when she was dating the boy AND on top of that telling my husband.

    So I got word vomit and just told him.

    He immediately slid of the bed onto his knees, head in his hands and doesn’t speak for a few minutes. He then raises his head and says “what else has been withheld from me?” I look up in disbelief and ask what he meant by that, because I am just finding out myself. He just kept repeating that same question. I kept telling, I just found out myself. I knew what direction this was going, he wanted to put blame on me.

    Now, when our daughter was dating this boy, he and my husband actually had a good relationship too. He and this boy would have conversations about relationships and family life. My husband is a God-fearing, bible-believing Christian man and this boy looked to my husband for fatherly advice because he too was from a broken home. When the boy would want take our daughter out, even when he would ask me, i would say “ask her dad”.

    I made sure my husband was invovled with all aspects of this relation and the goings-on, at least as much as I knew. So when the first statement out of my huband is “what else have I not been told?” Still makes me shake my head in disbelief. Even as the conversation went on, I called the devil out. I said that this is our “end of level boss”. That we have to beat it, this is a trial that we have to fight together and not attack each other. That everything we have prayed about and prayed for is to be applied to this. I know God wants to see how we do in the true face of an outright attack on our family. The answer I got was it was my fault because of the “rebellious demon” that I have.

    Now, I’m not going to try to defend myself on that one, because I did rebel in the beginning of our marriage, (we will have been married 20 years at the end of August). I grew up in a household where my grandmother ruled everyone, their lives, marriages and career. So, I figured if you want to get things done, take control. It was a hard thing to unlearn, but by God’s grace and mercy I know now how freeing it is not to be in control. My husband on the other hand accuses me of being disrespectful and rebellious even when I am defending myself. If I tell him I don’t like the way you are talking to me or treating me, I’m being disrespectful.
    But back to the other night, I said to my huband we need to talk about this, I was given the answer “I’m taking a shower, if you want to talk then you can stand in the bathroom.” So I did, and had to hear something I thought I never would. I said to him, “We all have fault in this.” He said, “Your right, we all got blackmailed, we all got robbed, we all got lied to, we all got “hoe’d” out.”
    I can’t begin to tell you how I felt or if I even felt anything for those 5 seconds. I responded by saying “is that what you really thought about me when we had sex before marriage? That’s what you really felt about me because I didn’t wait? And neither did you.”
    The only truth I heard in my husband’s voice the whole conversation came when he followed up with the response of “at least she has parents who….”
    He never finished that sentence because he knew there was no right answer or response that would be correct. In the midst of my anger, I called the devil out again repeating “this is what satan wants, he wants us to attack each other, to blame each other. Because if there’s division, we can’t draw closer to God. This is the big test, God wants to see if we’ll actually do what he has taught us, what we asked for, what we preach.” But it seemed to be falling on deaf ears…
    After that he proceeded to finish his shower and berate me for everything I have done wrong as a wife and mother, because it’s my fault. His words were, “you never did apologize to me, in front of the kids, for being a rebellious wife. That’s part of the problem right there.”
    I ended my part of the conversation because it had stopped being a conversation and turned into a brow-beating session. I sought advice from my mother-in-law, we have a wonderful relationship and since losing my mother to ALS three years ago I seek her out for advice, especially when it’s a territory I know nothing about. She knows this area well, her son (my husband) had to sit her down to tell her and his step-father he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant (me). She gave me great words of encouragement and advice. My husband and I didn’t speak on anything else the rest of the evening.
    This morning wasn’t any better. I will admit I allowed my anger to get the best of me and told him to “f’ing grow up”, it was on the heels of him blaming everything, and I do mean everything, on me. Not excusing my behavior, but I am human and can only take so much. After my outburst I left. I know when I lose my grip on my anger and a curse word flies out of me, it’s time to leave the environment and cool my temper.
    I took the kids to school, on the way there I asked my daughter why she’d decided to tell me last night. She said “I couldn’t keep it hidden anymore.” When I got back home I balled my eyes out in my driveway. Finally, gathering myself up I went into the house. My husband was getting ready for work. I’m in the kitchen and he comes up and tells me “since this is my fault (his) then you need to get a full time job as soon as possible”.
    I’m a SAHM, it’s what BOTH of us wanted. He likes when I don’t have to work. Just yesterday, long before all the craziness happened, I had told him about a job at the local grocery store that I was going to apply to. He said “do you really want to do that? ” I said “no, but I will. It’s the only thing I’ve seen that might work, I don’t want to work hours where the kids would be home alone.” He said “I think you can do better and I’m praying to God that you won’t have to get a job at all. ”
    I have worked when we needed the extra money, I’ve even worked 2-3 jobs at a time. I have actually been looking for something part-time, while the kids are in school. But everytime we get into this type of trial, he immediately uses any and all ammo. So, this morning I was given an ultimatum. He then proceeded to tell me he was wrong when he told me I was a lighthouse for the family, that I’m not a lighthouse. I told him to becareful what he said.
    In regards to that statement, a little while ago my husband told me that God had shown him what my “job” was, I was the lighthouse or the lighthouse keeper. When we need help or needed to see what direction safety was at, God would use me to be that “light” to show the path to Him.
    When my husband started to speak the evil he was saying, I did tell him to be careful what he said next. He said “is that a threat? ” I said no it’s a warning. But even as I said that, my faith faltered, I thought if I’m not a Lighthouse then I have no right to warn anyone. I didn’t know how deep those kinds of words could cut.
    After that exchange I went back into my car, cried my soul out to my God and had that moment of asking God to take this cup from me…
    I know that my marriage is at a spiritual crossroads and divorce is not an option. I know that I can not and will not be the proverbial punching bag for my past sins or our children’s future mistakes. I want so bad in my soul to unite with my husband in this difficulty and give satan a Haymaker back to hell. I know in my spirit when my husband and I are truly one, God will make us a force not to be reckoned with. I just need my husband to see me as God sees me and know that everything that happens, good and bad, is on both our shoulders.

    I just don’t know how to emotionally handle this without throwing in the towel and going back to old patterns. The chains that the devil is using are so heavy and I’m trying to fight them, break them, but this chain is not just attached to me. I’m tired and sometimes it does get tempting to stop fighting and just let the chains drag me back… at least I’d have a small rest, but my stubbornness won’t allow it. I am desperately praying for the scales to fall from my husband’s eyes and we can finally “see” each other the way God intended all along.

    Thank you for having this page for people like me to find and allowing an outlet to speak from the heart and for like-minded folks to be able to help and pray for each other.

    1. ForeverSarai,

      Wow. What a painful, difficult, heart-wrenching situation! 🙁 I feel very sad for all involved.

      I hope to get to respond in much greater detail later – but – I do want to suggest… all of you need some grace right now. I would imagine, your husband may need some time to process all of this. I’m not sure that big conversations – especially full of blame – are going to help right now. Right now he is hurt, feeling betrayed, and angry. Right now you are an easy target. I don’t know his personality. But there are a lot of men in such a situation who would need some time – days or weeks – to really process all of this before they are really ready to have deep discussions about it. Could that be possible? Maybe he needs a bit of space and time – not that you are giving him the cold shoulder or full of resentment, but that you respectfully back off and let him think and get his bearings after this attack?

      And right now – I suggest you take all the time you can with God. You are right – Satan wants you all to attack each other. But that is not God’s desire.

      Hope to share some resources a bit later and a prayer for each of you.

      Much love to you!

Thank you for sharing in our discussion here. Much love to each of you!

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