When my Husband Hurts Me – What Does God Desire Me to Do?

Marriage was designed and instituted by God.   The roles of husband and wife are not interchangeable!!  The Church does not provide for Christ.  The Church is not stronger than Christ.  Christ doesn’t submit to the will of the Church.  Of course, He submitted to the will of His Father in dying for Her, and what He does is always out of love and for her best interest even if He must sacrifice Himself.  The Church does not have authority over Christ to tell Him what to do.  But She can entreat Him for help and mercy.  She can ask for what she needs, knowing He has all the wealth of the universe at His disposal to assist Her in accomplishing His will.  He is the Prince and She is His Princess – and He will share His royalty and paradise with Her!

The mystery of Christ and the Church does fall short in human marriage.  Marriage is HARD!!!!!!  And PAINFUL!!!!!  Sin hurts all of us- our own sin and our spouse’s sin.  Marriage, after all, has two sinful human partners.  Husbands are not infallible like Christ is.  Husbands make mistakes.  Husbands have shortcomings.  Husbands lose their temper wrongly or can be selfish or unloving or hateful or even cruel at times.  And wives definitely can be hateful, bitter, disrespectful, and cause pain and hurt, too- but right now, let’s focus on those inevitable times when our husbands sin against us and hurt us, when they lash out at us, and purposely or accidentally hurt us… when things go wrong (which they WILL!), what are we as Christian wives to do?  I’d love to hear your feedback- what you have learned over the years, and, with your permission, I would love to share your insights and wisdom with the group. (If you are being physically abused, or have a husband who is an active addict, mentally

If there were somehow a problem between the Church and Christ, how should She approach Him?  With screaming, tantrums, pouting, name-calling, guilt, nagging, accusations, bitterness, pride, arrogance, a holier-than-thou attitude?  That would be extremely inappropriate considering the position of the Church in relation to Christ and all He has done for her.  She has much more dignity and self-respect than that.  She has Her faith in Christ and also in God.  She doesn’t need to resort to infantile methods to get her Husband’s attention.  She may boldly approach Him for help and mercy in Her time of need.  But She always reverences Him, knowing how powerful He is and Who He is.  She has a meek, humble attitude.  She has poise and self-control.  She seeks His best and has a disposition to be agreeable to His will and to say yes to His desires.

Even if a husband sins against his wife, he is designed to respond to respect as she confronts him about it.  (Matthew 18 is how we are to respond when we are wronged). His sinfulness does not negate God’s command to his wife to show him respect.  In fact, when a man is disobeying God, it is her very respect and quiet and gentle spirit that does not give way to fear that will draw him back to God and help him see the enormity of his mistake and his accountability for her well being.   Any HINT of disrespect will often make him put up his protective wall to keep his wife out of his heart.  If she lashes out with anger in her pain, she may alienate him further- not entice him to return and to reconcile.  And if she sins against him in retaliation, she will give him plenty of ammo to hold against her and then he’ll be thinking about what she did wrong, NOT what he did wrong.  Her gentle, peaceful, respectful way of confronting him to say he hurt her will cause him to only see his own wrongdoing and to have his own hateful words ringing in his ears and will make him want to scoop her up and protect her and make things right.  I implore all of us – when dealing with a husband who is hurting us – tread carefully here!  Yes, he has wronged me (the Bible promises us that all people sin and stumble in MANY ways- there are no perfect people here!), but if I retaliate or handle this situation wrongly, I will create a much wider chasm than he did.  Gary Thomas in
“Sacred Influence” says that the time I am most tempted to sin is when I am sinned against- HOW TRUE!  God’s goal is unity.  I am called to speak the truth in love to my husband.  I do need to bring up wrongs when I am sinned against directly to the one who hurt me, but with the goal of reconciliation in my marriage and between and my husband and God.   This frame of mind can help us be respectful, peace-loving, patient, gentle and keep what is best for our husband in mind if we do need to bring up an attitude or action or words of his that were hurtful.  (“A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1)

**  If you are in an abusive relationship, or your husband is actively involved in an addiction/alcoholism/infidelity or you are in danger – PLEASE get godly, experienced help immediately!  Those issues go way beyond the scope of this post.**

I pray that we might each prayerfully go to God first when there is a problem.  I pray that we might reverently approach His throne and appeal for His aid, respecting the authority our husbands have over us, even if it is being misused or we are being wronged.  Our husbands have God-given authority over us, like a military commander has authority over those who are under him.  There are many kinds of God-given authority – the government, bosses, parents, church leaders and husbands.   We can still show respect for the position of husband in the marriage even when our husband doesn’t lead well and even when he makes mistakes.  A husband who sees his wife still respects what is good in  him and has faith in him as a man and sees the man he wants to be is powerfully motivated to do better.

I would encourage us to approach our husbands only after a great deal of prayer, maybe even fasting (depending on the nature and severity of the situation) and with a great deal of humility, knowing we could fall just as easily and that we are in need of forgiveness by God and by our husbands daily ourselves.  We are not “better than” our men.  We are all equally wretched sinners in desperate need of Jesus.  Spend some time writing down your husband’s strengths and your own weaknesses before confronting him.  Thank God daily for your husbands strengths and pray to God daily for help with your own pridefulness and sinfulness.

I would encourage all of us to approach our husbands calmly, and to approach them with only this one recent event (not a litany of the past 20 years of their faults- they will give up and not even try if it looks impossible to please us) and a very concise statement of how we are hurting.  I believe most husbands are much more receptive and responsive to our pain than they are to our anger.  Anger will often scare a husband away.  Pain will draw him near- especially if he sees he can do something to help make the pain go away and bring back his wife’s beautiful smile.  And a woman who can gently, lovingly, firmly tell her man- “I know you are better than that.”  “I know you are a good man, and you don’t want to do X.”- will likely get better results than screaming, name-calling and throwing things.

A few things to check first before deciding to talk with him about things (I am not talking here about serious sins against you – if your husband has deeply wounded you, please talk to a Christian counselor, a godly older wife mentor or consider pastoral counseling):

-          Be sure that it isn’t hormones that are really having you feeling angry!!!!  Maybe even wait a few days if it’s around that time to be sure, if you can.

-          Be sure you are taking care of yourself!  Are you tired?  Are you hungry?  Are you sick?  Are you irritable?  Are you in pain?  Are you overwhelmed and overworked?  Being exhausted and spiritually/emotionally/physically spent can make every situation look a lot worse than it probably is.  Take care of yourself first and then you will be in a much healthier frame of mind to consider what the real problem is.   Be sure you have been having your quiet time with God and that you are caught up with repenting for any sins that you need to confess to God!!   This alone takes care  of a lot of issues!

-          Be sure you aren’t expecting something unrealistic from your man.  He isn’t God.  He isn’t your best girlfriend.  He can’t meet all your spiritual and emotional needs.  Maybe you need lunch with a girl friend.  Maybe you need more time with God.   Is what you are upset about actually something that is realistic to expect from a husband?

-          Have you done something disrespectful that upset him?  What is there that you might possibly need to apologize for?  It is so much easier to feel the pain others cause to us than it is to notice the pain we cause others.  Be as open as possible to the idea that his hurtful actions may actually be a reaction to something you said or did that hurt him and made him feel disrespected.

-          Is this really a big deal?  Really?  Really?  If it is small- it may not be worth mentioning.  Love covers over a multitude of sin.  (I Peter)  If it is just that he left a wet towel on the bed again- does that really require a confrontation?  Now if he insulted you or made a hateful remark or was rude- then you have something you need to deal with.

We can calmly, sadly and respectfully say things like, “I am upset.”  “That hurt me very much.”  “I am scared.”  “I am hurting.”  “I feel sad and angry.”  “When you said X, it hurt my feelings.”  “Did I just come across disrespectfully?  Because that felt unloving just now.”  (Dr Eggerich’s favorite line from “Love and Respect.”)  If right at that moment, our husbands say something hurtful, we can say, “Ouch” like Laura Doyle suggests and leave the room and let him think about “how he hurt the woman he loves most in all the world” and leave him with his own hurtful words ringing in his ears, with no ammunition from you being fired back at him.   And we can briefly (probably about only 1-5% of all the things you have thought about saying!!!) tell our husbands that we are hurt and how we are hurt.  And I would suggest that this process of telling him that you are hurt should probably not be more than a few minutes in most cases.  He is going to check out if this discussion goes on for 20 minutes or 2 hours.  That is overload for him.  He may need to think about things for a day.  It takes men at least 7 more hours to process highly emotionally charged information than it does for women.  Let him mull over what you say without trying to force him to apologize immediately.

I would suggest not taking the bait if he throws it back at you, “Well, YOU, have done X, Y, Z wrong!!!”  If you have done something wrong, it would certainly be wise to apologize ONE TIME, sincerely and without explanation.  “I apologize for being disrespectful to you.  I don’t want to do that.  I’m sorry.”  And leave it there.  No “but you should have…”  or “it’s just that you did X”  No explanations or excuses.  Just a simple single apology.  That will speak volumes.  And we need to apologize to God and forgive ourselves.

If he is able to apologize and come towards you to hug you, GREAT!!!  Reconciliation is occurring!  If at all possible, forgive him right then and then if you need him to do something to make things right, you can calmly, quietly let him know about that.  And then the situation needs to be dropped.  Like – forever.

If not, he may need some time- I am talking hours or days possibly, to think about what you said.

It might be that moving away and giving him space for awhile is a good idea- not for us to pout, but for him to have time to process.  Men aren’t nearly as verbal as we are and a lot of words and emotions can be overwhelming and takes a long time to digest.  Really!  Later, if he hasn’t apologized, and he tries to act like things are fine, you can say, “I am still upset.”  And that is all you really need to say.  (Bob Grant’s ideas).

But then, I would also suggest following Jesus’ ideas about blessing those who curse you, bless and do not curse them.  Be kind to those who insult you.  Repay evil with good.  Pray about how you might bless your husband.   I know God will give you some very creative ideas!  When he sees you bless him after he knows he was wrong towards you, he will have a huge crushing load of guilt to deal with.  And he will be in a much better frame of mind to see your pain and to hear God’s voice and repent.

This is certainly not an exhaustive work on handling conflict with our husbands.  And I am not infallible.  But I hope to give some healthy ways and maybe fresh ideas to handle difficult situations that might bring about reconciliation a lot faster and that might bring unity to our marriages and glory to God!  If you are dealing with a really serious problem: infidelity, abuse, drug addiction- please seek help from our pastors at church and the resources we have available!  Seek godly counsel.

I pray that we might all become more and more like Christ, more holy, set apart to accomplish His purposes in our lives, in our marriages and families.  I pray that we might be open to His Word and that He might make us the godly women He desires us to be!

With love and great anticipation of all that God is going to do in each of our marriages!

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38 Comments on “When my Husband Hurts Me – What Does God Desire Me to Do?”

  1. chastac
    December 19, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    I am struggling with this so much now. I love my husband & I respect him immensely but he has hurt me tremendously in the past 4 months. I feel like a failure every day because I can’t get over this hurt. My pain & hurt is causing him to hurt me worse. I feel like I have to stop loving him to make this crazy cycle stop. My true heart’s desire is to be the wife for him God wants me to be. I am failing. My pain does not make him want to protect me. My pain irritates him. I am praying for God to show me how to love & submit to him through this. I love my husband’s heart. I love the man I know he is when he let’s God be in control. I hate who we both are when we take control.

    • peacefulwife
      December 19, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

      Chastac,
      Has your husband repented?
      Are you both believers in Christ?

      Your pain only makes your husband want to protect you under a few circumstances:
      – he does not feel blamed for the pain, he feels he can be the hero and make things right
      – he has been feeling respected as a man for an extended period of time in the marriage

      THEN, when his wife is in emotional pain – he will usually want to protect her.
      BUT, she must express pain more as hurt and sadness, not so much anger and hatred. If he detects contempt for who he is as a man, he is likely to shut down and think it’s impossible for him to succeed to make his wife happy, so why try?

      Your words may make things worse when you are upset.

      If you want to email me, I would be glad to listen to the situation and give you my opinion – and attempt to point you to Christ and obedience to His Word.

      Or, if it is possible, seeing a godly ,Christian woman counselor or older godly mentor wife in your church may be very helpful.
      Would your husband agree to something like that?

      Are you physically safe right now?

      Much love to you!

      Praying for God’s healing for your heart, your husband’s heart and your marriage.

    • Tamela
      April 6, 2014 at 4:23 am #

      My pain also irritates my husband I have told my husband his wrath that verbally comes out is mouth is hurtful but if does not cause him to stop it causes him to get more and more angry

      • peacefulwife
        April 6, 2014 at 7:11 am #

        tamela,

        I’m here if you would like to talk about what is going on. :)

  2. thenursewhowrites
    January 26, 2013 at 9:16 am #

    This is why Christian women (and yes Jesus is my Lord and Savior) are being abused and tolerating it. Please spend some time in fasting and prayer yourself, read scripture, and ask the Lord to reveal to you if your message here is accurate/Christ-inspired. Your heart is in the right place, but you have no idea the additional wounds you place on your sisters hearts enduring psychologically abusive marriages.

    • peacefulwife
      January 26, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

      Thenursewhowrites,
      Thanks for your comment – I updated a few things. I do not intend this to be a post for women who are being abused or for women whose husbands are addicted or who are suffering from untreated or uncontrolled mental disorders. I definitely don’t ever want to further wound wives. I desire to point them to God, to focusing on their own sin and their responsibility to obey God’s Word for themselves. I believe wives do need to tell their husbands when their husbands hurt them. If there are major abuses going on – that is definitely way beyond the scope of this post and this blog.

      I looked through the post and tried to be sure it couldn’t be construed to support abuse. If there are specific items that concern you, I would love for you to point them out so I can look more closely.

      Thanks so much for your concern and your comment!

  3. Roy Williston
    February 13, 2013 at 1:29 am #

    Hi Peacefulwife. I ran across your site and thought perhaps a mans perspective might be helpful….hope thats OK.

    Firstly, I wish to clearly express that the scope of pain that is being addressed here is not physical or emotional abuse. That would be a situation requiring serious help & council. Please know that what we are discussing are daily relational issues that are commonly dealt with in a fleshly manner causing a breach in the marriage relationship.

    My parents taught us that a wife is a treasure, a wealth of knowledge, gifted in many areas that many times we are not. If one considers the gifts that our heavenly father gives us we can clearly see that they are usually far more dynamic, precious, and more encompassing that we perceive or deserve. (I.E. life, dominion over the earth, salvation, etc.) A wife is no exception, I am not ashamed to say that my sweetheart is far more gifted, smarter, (definitely prettier!) than I am. That does not however relieve me of my responsibility to lead, love, provide, protect, nourish, cherish, wash with the word, etc. Her abilities do not cause a role reversal, but rather an awesome resource to draw from in order to properly lead my family.

    That being said, I many times in my lack of sensitivity and understanding say “the wrong thing” or “do the wrong thing”. usually, it means I somehow failed to demonstrate to her that she is safe or precious. I desperately need to know when these times occur……..I desire to grow into the responsibility to love her as my Messiah loves us. But in my flesh I often miss the mark. For me, there is no better teacher that my wife as to the nuts & bolts of how to love her.

    I definitely concur with the fact that men will hear better when we feel the respect of our wives. If we feel that we are failing in our responsibility and have lost the respect of our wives (by accusations, anger etc.) we feel weakened and hopeless in ever achieving our goal to lead properly. If she shares her heart and hurts with me as she would with someone she trusts and looks to for help, it causes me to want to ride in on a white horse and save the day! If I feel my wife’s respect for me, I can fight like a powerful soldier knowing her heart is with me. Without it, I feel alone on the battlefield and do not have the heart to fight.

    The parental gap in our present age has caused us to lose a wealth of relational knowledge that used to be taught by those older & wiser than we. I appreciated what I read on your site and see the potential of this kind of knowledge available to those who desire solid marriages.

    Don’t give up on us “clueless men” too fast!!! Some of us really do want to learn how to love our wives…….with your help & respect, we can.

    Thanks for listening,

    Roy

    • peacefulwife
      February 13, 2013 at 7:40 am #

      Roy,
      I LOVE this! I wonder if you might allow me to use it as a post, please?
      THank you for taking the time to share your insights and a masculine perspective. We DO appreciate that here!

      • Roy Williston
        February 13, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

        Peacefulwife,
        Please feel free.
        Thanks,
        Roy

    • Truth
      October 9, 2013 at 9:31 am #

      Thx, so much for that.

  4. Stephanie
    June 19, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    I have recently been losing my best friend of almost four years due to this “belief”. Her husband abuses her with religion, telling her as the Christian woman she claims to be(she is) that she must be in all way submissive to him. He abuses this word if God, he doesn’t let her go anywhere(girls days, girls weekends…etc) he constantly accuses her of cheating so he can get that extra attention and affirmation from her that she is indeed NOT cheating on him. He has cheated on her numerous times but comes back with “we are all sinners, and you are Christian and must forgive me and show me the Christian path”. She sometimes wants to muster up the courage to leave but her Christian faith prevents her from doing so. She has tried to leave but he just calls and calls and she doesn’t ignore him, he stalks her down wherever she is and says things like “God has spoken to me, he has opened my eyes. I going to change but you can’t see that change unless you come home to me.” He twists church sermons, one being about “if you are going down a road that is leading nowhere(hint hint) then stop taking the same road, try something different. If there are certain people leading you down the wrong road then try not taking that road with them. Build your own path with God…etc” she took this to heart and balled and was sure of what the right thing to do was, get out of Dodge!!! Then HE talks to her and convinces her it means something completely different. He interprets that it means they need to take a different path TOGETHER!!! Not only is this a bad marriage for her but she has 2 little boys!!!! I guarantee that when they grow up and have marriages and relationships with women that it will be the SAME! He uses this to his advantage. He is addicted to gaming online and will do this any free moment he has(cursing and talking about killing the other players, all fighting to the death games). Her four year old had to be called home one day for bringing a pocket knife to school one day and threatening to take another child’s life! This went on his permanent record, a four year old!!!! And he has a job at least(took him 5 years, at GAMESTOP!) he currently dies not have a drivers liscence because he has had so many run ins with the law($10,000 in fines) so she is the only one who can get everyone where they need to go. He also brings stolen items into tbe house and illegal weapons and has her pick some if these itens up for him since he cannot drive. he puts her in danger constantly”but he never physically abuses” .she is a fulltime student trying to get a degree in nursing but he interrupts her schooling everytime he gets a chance. It is affecting the entire family and she refuses to see it. She feels all she needs to do is show him the Godly path and do that by being submissive or what have you. She basically makes no decision for herself, ever. What say you to this? If this is the idealoligy of Christianity then I want to Never be Christian!

    • peacefulwife
      June 19, 2013 at 3:13 pm #

      Stephanie,

      This story makes me really sad. :(

      Does he claim to follow Christ himself?

      There are absolutely men who twist God’s Word and try to force their women into more of a “slave” type of position and who are controlling and abusive. THAT IS NOT AT ALL GOD’S DESIGN FOR HUSBANDS! God’s design is found in Ephesians 5:22-33. Husbands are to represent Christ’s love, selflessness, humility, sacrificial leadership and a servant’s heart to their wives and families. Husbands are accountable for their leadership to God and will stand before Him to be judged. What you are saying about this man tells me that he is not at all following Christ, but is following his own sinful nature. If he does not repent of his sin and turn to Christ for forgiveness and allow God to change his heart and mind, he will face severe judgment.

      Submission means honoring our husband’s leadership “in the Lord.” If my husband asks me to sin or condone sin, I cannot follow him. I must respectfully resist him. If my husband were involved in illegal activities, I would have to say, “This is not ok. I want to trust you and honor your leadership, but until you stop doing X, Y and Z, I cannot cooperate with you.”

      What do you mean that he puts her in danger constantly?

      A godly wife does say what she wants, what she needs and how she feels. Then, if her husband is not asking her to sin or condone sin, she trusts God’s sovereignty to guide her through her husband.

      There are times when a husband is so out of line that a wife may have to separate and seek godly counsel.

      God does give wives whose husbands are disobedient to His Word a prescription to show honor and respect to them and to cooperate with their leadership (unless the man is asking her to sin or condone sin) and not to preach or nag but to allow God to work in his heart.

      I would like to see her have a strong, godly mentoring wife or a Christian counselor – preferably for both of them.

      • peacefulwife
        June 19, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

        Stephanie,
        You may like my youtube video “My Husband Makes it Easy for Me to Submit to Him”

        This is how a godly husband acts.

        I don’t try to teach men on my blog. It is only for women. But I want women to be aware of God’s design for marriage. Ideally, we would only marry godly men who are completely submitted to Jesus themselves, who are humble, gentle, patient, loving, kind, etc.

        God can change husbands. And He can change wives. We can’t change people.

        There is hope for this husband. I will definitely pray for him and his wife!

  5. mapule phakane
    June 21, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    I hate my husband so much,I don’t think I will ever love him again,he has hurt me so much for the past 12 months,he always suspect am cheating just because I work in the mine,he checks my phone,dialed calls,received and massages,my face page am so tired of him accusing me,please help and am not cheating

    • peacefulwife
      June 22, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

      Mapule,

      I am sorry you are so hurt! He does not believe you? How is the rest of your relationship?

      Are either of you believers in Christ?

      Sending you a big hug!

      • mapulephakane@gmail.com
        June 22, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

        Yes we are both belivers,the rest of our relationship is good,its just that he doent trust me even thou I haven’t given him a reason to,even when I am 10 minutes late he thing he complains,when I got a lift from my colliques,do think he loves me or is he obsessed with me?
        Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

        • peacefulwife
          June 22, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

          Mapule,
          Was he deeply hurt in a relationship in the past, or in his childhood?

          • mapulephakane@gmail.com
            June 22, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

            Yes he was both in his past relationship and his childhood
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

            • peacefulwife
              June 22, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

              Mapule,
              So, maybe he has many wounds and scars that affect him. Maybe it is not about you. But he has fear because of all that he has been through?

              Would you please read I John this week and let me know what God speaks to you? And also Romans 8-12.

              Is it possible for you to be as open and honest as you can and to allow your husband access to your phone/computer and anything else so that he can see that you are faithful to him?

              What do you say to him when he questions you?

              Do you yell at him?

              What things do you say to each other?

              Would he prefer to take you to work himself?

              What does he ask you to do that would make him feel more peace?

              • peacefulwife
                June 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

                Oh, and you may want to read the posts at the top of my home page about respect and disrespect.

                • mapulephakane@gmail.com
                  June 22, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

                  But I don’t understand why is he taking out his pain on me am not the bad guy here
                  Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

                  • peacefulwife
                    June 22, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

                    Mapule,

                    People who have been severely emotionally wounded have a VERY hard time trusting anyone. They assume that any person will hurt them. He is reacting out of his hurt and great fear.

                    He is not physically hurting you, right?

                    If he is not, then, my suggestion is to do all you can to smile at him. Bless him. Love and respect him. Do kind things for him. LIsten to him. Cooperate with him as much as possible. Be friendly to him. Thank him for anything he does that is good.

                    Find your contentment in Jesus alone. Seek His will, His wisdom, His purpose, His glory. BE willing to lay down your plans, your desires, your will, your wisdom, your rights – and live your life as a sacrifice to Jesus.

                    Look over your husband’s shoulder to Jesus standing behind him. Treat your husband as you would treat Jesus. Jesus says that whatever we do to people, we do to Him. Overcome evil with good! Romans 12

                    Jesus says to forgive men when they sin against us so that God will forgive us. Matthew 6:14-15 (after the Lord’s Prayer)

                    Maybe God has you with this man to bless him and help him find healing from all the bad relationships he has had?

                    You can’t change your husband. But God can. As you seek to be the wife God desires you to be, God will empower you to obey Him and to love and respect your husband so that you can begin to see and love your husband the way God does.

                    • peacefulwife
                      June 22, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

                      Here is a post my brother wrote about when our spouses wrong us:

                      Today’s post is a guest post by a VERY special guest contributor – my brother!!! Nathan Trevett is such a godly man, husband and father. I am really excited that he is going to be tackling some of the husbands’ toughest questions for us. I appreciate his sound biblical theology and Christ-centered approach. And he lives out being a Christlike husband and father. He doesn’t choose the passive route, or the tyrant route. He is very plugged in and involved. Today he is addressing the question of what to do when your spouse is wrong. He is planning to address more specific questions for the husbands in the future about what to do when a wife refuses to cooperate with her husband’s leadership. I’m looking forward to his contributions! If you have questions or concerns, feel free to comment!

                      There is one major point that can lead this question down one of two paths. Has the spouse been redeemed by the atoning work of Christ on the cross? This point needs to be extremely explicit. This does not mean church attendance or a life devoted to religious church culture. It does not mean trying to do the right thing. It means understanding how big God is and how fallen we are and that only by Christ being crushed on the cross can He redeem our life. 2 Peter 1 gives a great list of fruit of the spirit then in verses 8-9 it shows that if you are not increasing in the spirit then you either do not have the spirit in you or you have become so nearsighted that you have forgotten that you have been forgiven.

                      His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of of our lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is near-sighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. II Peter 1:3-9

                      We can not expect non-believers to follow God’s word…it is foolishness to them. If a couple is unequally yoked, they are in for hard times. The burden is completely on the believer to live a life of love in patience regardless of the spouses actions. 1 Cor 7:13-16 is where Paul gives instructions for Christians with unbelieving spouses.
                      And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? I Corinthians 7:13-16

                      1 Cor 5:9-13 tells us not to judge unbelievers but that we do have a role to play in holding believers accountable. Now, the primary role of the spouse is to be love to them, to extend limitless grace and to endure all things. But, when a believing spouse is constantly going against a principle of God’s word it can fall to their spouse to point it out clearly and concisely in love. This cannot look like nagging and cannot be in response to an offense. This should probably be coordinated with a date and lovingly present the pattern that is in offense to God’s word. Once it has been brought up, that needs to be the last time it’s said. Both spouses need to be surrounding themselves with mentors and same sex accountability where these things are discussed.

                      Other than that, it is the responsibility of the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Just like Christ’s love is unwavering in our unfaithfulness, we are called to the same love. I would not advise confrontation on any of the issues you mentioned (specific disrespect of a wife or refusal to cooperate with her husband’s leadership) until they become more than isolated events. As we are all married to sinners, the burden is on us to overlook individual offenses and constantly extend overwhelming grace.

              • mapulephakane@gmail.com
                June 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

                Thank u very much I will do that
                Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

        • peacefulwife
          June 22, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

          Do you have access to a Bible?
          How is your prayer time and Bible reading going?

          • mapulephakane@gmail.com
            June 22, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

            I do pray for peace in my family,I read my bible but not everyday
            Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

  6. Jennifer
    July 25, 2013 at 1:31 am #

    Thank you so much for posting this. I try really hard to be a Godly wife, and it always seems that my husband thinks I fall short. He says things like, “Well I am a nice person, and you are not. ” “My family doesn’t act that way.” ” you are so much like your mother. ” ( being condescending, because my my mother has been married three times and he doesn’t like her. ) When he says these things, I alwayset him know it hurts my feelings and he just says its the truth. I don’t know how to get him to stop. Am I overreacting??

    • peacefulwife
      July 25, 2013 at 8:04 am #

      Jennifer,
      It is wonderful to meet you! :)

      Hmm… I can’t tell yet if you are overreacting or not. You can’t really control what he says – but I do think that if you can embrace his message and pray about it and ask God to show you if there is anything He may want you to change, that may help.

      It may be necessary to ask a few more questions:

      – What is it that I do that hurts you?
      – In what ways am I not acting “nice”?
      – Did I do something that felt disrespectful to you?

      Do you know specifically what he means about you acting like your mother or about what your family doesn’t do?

      I would suggest reading the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission. Ask God to show you what He wants you to change and do differently.

      Would you like to give me an example of a conversation between the two of you before he said some of these things and we can hash through this together? :)

      It is possible that God may be trying to speak to you through your husband. It is also possible your husband is being harsh – I am not sure yet.

      Here is a Youtube video about <a href="“>”Responding to Our Husband’s Constructive Criticism”

  7. Wendy hughes
    August 25, 2013 at 2:18 am #

    My husband disrespected
    Me so bad he called me names and stayed out all night I called no
    Answer straight to voicemail all night no text no nothing he’s been accused
    Of cheating with other women who has his phone heberbal abusive omg what should do

    • peacefulwife
      August 26, 2013 at 3:00 pm #

      Wendy,
      I am so sorry to hear that things are so difficult right now. :(

      Do you have a godly pastor or godly mentoring wife in your life?

  8. Christine
    October 9, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    I don’t know where to start. I am a veteran wife of 27 1/2 years. I have dealt with a lot through out all of those years from abuse physically n mentally, lies, adultery, and I have always forgiven. I can’t blame everything on my husband, because when I’m upset I have lashed out in anger to protect myself. My words is my weapon. I’m just so tired of the way we choose to communicate with each other after all these years. Yes, both of are saved n I am very strong in my faith with God. We’ve have been disagreeing all week and our conversations have been going into arguments, but yesterday I finally got fed up with it and said why are you acting like a a******. I realize that was not the right thing to say, but once it was out I couldn’t take it back. Well with that being said he called me a b****. and that pierce me to the core. I put up with so much from him for many years. He gives the reason why he said what he said was because I said what I said. I don’t buy that because his communication is always like that he lashes out to where I’m afraid. He goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. Its been awhile since he been abusive, but still that hangs over my head. He make promises that he do not keep he say that he’s going to get help n never do. I have caught him in several lies, but I still forgive n submitt. When I bring it to his attention that he hurt me he come back with a reason why he’s hurtor some excuse. don’t get me wrong we do have good times in our marriage relationship, and this does not
    always happen but when it do it is heated. I’m just tired n he put all blame on me. I admitted when I’m wrong even when I’m not I submitt just to keep the peace. I can’t talk to my friends about this because they just wouldn’t understand how I am still. putting up with this. How can I act like everything is okay n fulfill my reasonable serves to him. He’s a great provider, and gives me whatever I want except for his
    time, because he wk so much too. How can I forgive him for the B******* word? I don’t use curse words to call him out his name. But I know my mouth can go off sometimes to say what he’s not doing n need to do n at first it starts out good then after 20min. of it he’s going off n have flipped out. I know I can push his buttons. I’m not doing it on purpose I’m just trying to get him to respond n understand me n that I love him but when he does this or do not do this that it hurts me and our marriage. because sometimes he does not think before he
    react he just do it and then afterwards we both suffer the consequences. okay that’s all you get the picture.

    • peacefulwife
      October 9, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

      Christine,

      I’m so pleased to meet you!

      Well.. you have been through A LOT in your marriage. If there is still abuse, lies or infidelity going on – please, please involve a godly pastor or godly Christian counselor. I am not equipped to handle such serious issues here. Of course, God is able to handle anything. So is His Word.

      I would suggest apologizing for what you called him.

      I would also suggest deciding that you are not going to call your husband any kind of names – no matter what he does to you.

      It would be awesome if he didn’t call you names either. But you can set the tone by honoring Christ with all of your speech and refusing to sin against your husband even if he sins against you. You don’t have to yell and scream or cuss. You don’t have to be disrespectful. He can’t make you do those things. You are responsible for the words that come out of your mouth. He is responsible for the words that come out of his mouth. If you never sin against him – it will prick his conscience and make him much less likely to call you horrible things.

      I believe that you can forgive him knowing that you had just called him something equally horrible. It sounds like you are each falling to the other person’s level of spiritual immaturity. One of you will have to decide to be the spiritual mature one and to realize that this way of speaking to anyone else is unacceptable to Jesus. Check out Ephesians 4:29-5:20, I Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:22-23, Matthew 6 (the Lord’s prayer and the 2 verses after it about forgiveness), Matthew 7:1-5, Romans 12:9-21, I John chapters 2-4, James 1 – These are the ways God expects us to treat even our enemies. Surely that is how He expects us to treat our husbands. Please remember that God counts what you do to and for your husband as if you were doing it to or for God.

      Another thing that may help you to forgive is to really ask God to help you get a true grasp on exactly how much Jesus has forgiven you for. He has forgiven you for “billions of sin dollars” – so He can empower you to forgive your husband for a $50 offense.

      Much love to you my precious sister!!!

      Check out this Youtube video of mine
      <a href="“>My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Him

      My Youtube channel is ‘April Cassidy’

  9. Diana
    November 13, 2013 at 2:45 pm #

    My husband is 25, and we have been together almost 5 years, married for 3. He moved out, left me 10 days ago. He said hes not in love with me anymore. He loves me but not in that way. And it hurts so much. We’ve been through so much and ive changed so much to become a better wife, because I wasnt being the wife I needed to be and he repeatedly spoke to me about it but my age (22) just caused a lack of maturity on my part (and I know I have my faults and I know and take responsibility for our fair share of problems) and we were in two different pages when he tried to communicate our problems to me. He almost left me in February and that was a big eye opener. Many months had passed and right when I become the person I need to be, or at least attempt to be, and when I’m the most in love with him I’ve ever been, dedicated everything to him, he decides he no longer loves me and doesnt know if he’ll ever come home. I know God wants it to work out and I know he has my best interests in his heart and his timing is not my timing. I just feel so discouraged sometimes, I dont know how to release my marriage to him, everytime I do i feel like im back to square one because I start having fears and doubts, and time scares me. What if his feelings solidify and he realizes he really doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want to be with me? Hes receptive to me but what good does it do me when he wants nothing to do with me in that way. Just writing about it makes me want to cry because im so in love with him and there was a time when he was too. And i just want that back. But i dont know how… I feel so lost sometimes, all i find myself doing is praying and talking to God and hoping he’ll soften his heart, work in him and be who God needs him to be, to remember why he fell in love… I feel like my soulmate was ripped from me. We were best friends, but somewhere along the lines our communication faltered…

    • peacefulwife
      November 13, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      Diana,

      I am so sorry for the pain you are going through! How frustrating that it is happening now when God is working so strongly in your life.

      Here’s what I do know – God can change people. We can’t.

      If you are able to focus on putting Christ first, submitting fully to Him as Lord, obeying Him and seeking to please Him above all else and you seek to bless your husband – that is what matters most. God will reward you for your faithfulness in heaven even if your husband is not acting in obedience to Him.

      But – God may work through you and work in your husband and bring about reconciliation. People’s feelings can change – especially when God gets ahold of their hearts. I see it every day. :)

      I have a support email group for wives whose husbands have abandoned them or are involved in infidelity if you would like to join. :)

      I pray for God’s healing for you both and for your marriage. Please keep on pursuing Christ and asking Him to make you the woman He desires you to be. We will trust God with the results with your husband.

  10. Nit
    November 29, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    I really needed this 🙏

    • peacefulwife
      November 29, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

      Nit,
      I’m so glad that it was a blessing to you. :)

  11. Jill
    January 13, 2014 at 3:18 am #

    I honestly have issues with this. These things you give are the excuses my husband uses to continue abusing me. It is always my fault. He is wrong and so are many things you bring up. The Lord is very clear that a man is to love his wife. Never ever does it say in scripture that a woman is commanded to love her husband rather it commands a husband to love his wife. A wife is to respect her husband but how could she if he isn’t loving her as Christ loves the church? He is to lay his life down for her. 1Peter 3:7 even goes to say God will ignore a husbands prayers if he is even harsh with his wife. That doesn’t seem to me that God would demand a wife to respect her husband if the Lord Himself isn’t! Ignoring someone is a huge disrespect! The man is to be in charge so the household runs smooth. Look at how deacons are held at a higher standard, same goes to the man-he is after all the ruler of his house and in fact he is told to have his house in order. Also the Bible states clearly that if a man doesn’t provide for his own household he is worse than an infidel. He needs to lay his selfish needs aside to care for his bride. The wife of his youth. He is to chase her endlessly and die for her. If its her responsibility as you stated to approach with respect, etc then he just ignores Gods instructions. It is the man’s job to make sure his wife is NOT upset. Then she will not have any problem respecting him because she will feel secure, safe, protected and defended.
    My husband lives as a child. Never left mom and dad nor did he cleave to me. The consequences are overwhelming. God gave me visions and prophetic giftings that have all come true. Non of these evils would have ever occurred if my husband would have just followed the Bible-the ultimate blue print in life. Every time he sneaks, cheats, does anything behind my back God reveals it to me. Once I was shown he was talking to his parents after we had agreed to cut ties. He lied to me and had me in a choke hold lying saying I was crazy and he wasn’t doing it. Well the Lord showed him. He ended up falsely accused for doing something he really didn’t do, but failed a polygraph and went to jail. Guess what? He called me crying this is how it went “I failed the test!why would God allow this? I have to confess, I’ve been talking to my parents behind your back.” And there you have it. His parents told him to choose them over me. He then tried to kill me and called the police on me to take me away from my children so he and his folks could have their way. God intervened. Things got even worse. I had visions of sexual abuse. It came true. Husband didn’t believe me but I said God says you will take the blame for your dad, and that is exactly what had happened.
    After he said sorry and went through court he swore he’d change. Nope. Guess who’s fault it was? Mine. In his eyes. Still refuses the truth, forgets what the Lord has done more than once to rebuke him all because he feels he shouldn’t be told he’s wrong. I didn’t scream at first. Never yelled. He did. Then when I started to mimic his behavior it just fueled his blame game. I just found out he’s stealing money for his addictions. No remorse on his end. No in fact he says to me he can’t live with my controlling ways. If I were controlling he wouldn’t be this way. He just says whatever makes him right in his eyes. As soon as I bring in an outside party, he agrees he’s sick. Then tells me I caused all of the trouble. They don’t know the real me.

    See he says it is all because I don’t respect him. I would be sinning if I did. It would be akin to serving a false God. He didn’t and doesn’t deserve respect for living in direct disobedience to our Lord. He will not get respect for what he does. He needs to earn it. By the way-we’ve been to over 13 counselors who all agree with me. One man even said this “the Hebrew word for love means ‘giving’ when translated, it is a verb. Love is an action. LOVE IS WHAT LOVE DOES.”

    God is a righteous God, he is so clear about how husbands are to be. He puts way more emphasis on them then the wives. Respect is earned. If a husband follows Gods precepts then a wife would have NO issues respecting her husband.

     The husband is to love his wife above all other human beings. Consider Eph. 5:25 and 28; and Col. 3:19. These passages teach that the husband is to be considerate and tender. The verses in Ephesians 5 teach that the husband is to cherish his wife. This means that she is to be treated with tenderness and affection. This would mean that since love must be fed, there is to be a warm demonstrative love relationship. The husband has the responsibility of not only demonstrating his love and concern, but telling her. He should not sit in such self-absorption that he does not talk with her and communicate with her socially, mentally, verbally and physically. The husband will demonstrate his love for his wife in other ways, rather than just at the time of sexual relationship. If this is the only time that affection and consideration is shown, then a wife will get the idea that all a husband is interested in is her body and that she is merely a sex object.I Peter 3:7, teaches that the husband is to honor his wife. She gave up her name to take yours. Honor means that you should show her respect and this involves courtesy, consideration and emotional support. Be sure that as her husband that you do not hold her up to ridicule in public by the cutting remarks that you make. She wears YOUR name and is to viewed as part of your body. She is not perfect and you are aware of this. Do not expect perfection, but as Ephesians 4:32 teaches, “forbear one another”. This means to be gentle toward her. Control of temper, abstaining from physical violence and restraining a sharp tongue that makes one feel so inferior – are ways by which you can exhibit forbearance.Paul presents another responsibility of husbands in I Timothy 5:8 – “But if any provide not for his own, especially for those of his own household, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel”. Marriage is a financial venture and the husband has a responsibility to finance or support or provide for his family.Ephesians 5:25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for herEphesians 5:24-26 (in Context) Ephesians 5 (Whole Chapter)Other TranslationsEphesians 5:28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.Colossians 3:19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. I Timothy 3:3-5, and he speaks of ruling your own house. Now this discipline should be with love. Many times discipline is administered without love. The Book says in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers provoke not your children to wrath”, and again in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged”. The husband therefore does not leave all the discipline up to his wife, but shares in the molding and direction of your children. It is not a proper division of responsibility to say that as the husband I will provide the living and the wife is to take care of the house and children. The husband has duties even after his days work is done by which lie is earning a living to support his family.The Christian father should set an example for his family as he earns a living, directs the household with concern for each member, and as he fulfills his role as head of the house. He should see to their spiritual development by the life he lives and the direction in which he leads his family.1But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.2For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,3unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,…1 Peter 3:7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 

    • peacefulwife
      January 13, 2014 at 7:53 am #

      Jill,

      I actually agree with you – husbands absolutely are to love their wives and to obey God’s Word and are held to a higher standard. I don’t write for husbands, so I don’t talk about that on my blog. My husband has a blog for men http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. A wife cannot make her husband obey God. That is his choice – but he WILL stand accountable to God. A husband cannot make his wife respect and honor his leadership – that is her choice – but she will be accountable to God for her obedience. Husbands have a great deal more responsibility than wives do. I believe that a husband’s obedience to Christ can draw his wife closer to Christ. And I believe that God can use a wife’s obedience to His Word and His power working in her to draw a disobedient husband closer to Himself (I Peter 3:1-6).

      If there is major sin, there are times when confrontation or intervention can be necessary and where separation can be necessary. I believe a wife can still operate by showing respect even in such situations, in obedience to scripture. But – there can be times when a wife has to set boundaries or say that something is not ok and is hurting her.

      I have a post at the top of my home page for abused women. I don’t write specifically for abused women, because I don’t have experience with that situation. My slant is that I was a controlling/disrespectful wife with a passive husband.

      I try to say very often that if a wife is being abused, or if there are major issues in the marriage like infidelity, addictions, physical violence, uncontrolled mental health disorders, that this blog is not a good fit for those wives and I encourage them to seek godly, wise, experienced counsel.

      I am so very sorry for what you have experienced.

      Thank you very much for sharing your comments.

      Much love to you!

You are welcome to leave constructive, edifying comments or sincere questions. I do have some restrictions on what comments I am able to accept, you may find my comment policy at the top of my home page)

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