What Does Respect Look Like to Husbands?

Just like wives need love, husbands need respect. God’s design for marriage is laid out here, in Ephesians 5, and His purpose goes WAY beyond the scope of the health of our individual marriages – although if we follow His design, we will have much healthier marriages.  God’s highest purpose in marriage is to showcase the intimate relationship between Christ and His people.  We are acting out a living parable where husbands represent Christ and wives represent the church to bring glory to God and to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.

Ephesians 5:22-33

New International Version (NIV)

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wivesas their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

RESPECT 101

So here are some ideas of ways you can show respect to your husband.  Think of it like a buffet.  This is not a list of rules – but some ways some wives use to show respect that works for them. Some things may apply to your marriage, some may not. There are some things that speak respect to just about all husbands, but each man is unique, so you will need to possibly ask your husband about things – maybe just a few at a time – and learn what speaks respect best to him.  That is what matters most!  I had some husbands’ input on this list.  Thank you, gentlemen!

With His Job

It’s important to realize here that what a man does is a part of who he is.  This is part of the reason that the first thing one man will probably ask the other is “what do you do?”  I think that a lot of wives lose out on connections that they can make with their husbands because they want to separate him from his work– and yet that work is what he does for most of his day.

  • Let him know how much you appreciate the work that he does.
  • If his company has a get together, don’t try to get out of it.
  • Learn something about his profession– so that you’re at least conversant.
  • Just like you’d like him to ask you about your day, ask him about his.
  • Find out what he wants to do with his life.
  • try to support his dreams and ambitions
  • Prepare a snack just for him and his coworkers (the people in his office will look up to him!)
  • Send him thoughtful or playful texts while he’s at work.
  • Include a brief note of praise in his lunch (if he brings one).
  • See him off in the morning.
  • Welcome him home from the day.

At Your Church

It’s hard to argue that church is not a place that a man should lead.  Many places in the Scripture men are called to be leaders of the home, they’re given jobs to do and roles to fill, but you are probably the most important piece to his ability to find respect and leadership in the church.  Why?  Because people will be looking to see how he leads his family, how he cares for them, and whether his family respects him.  What you show or do not show reflects on him even more in this setting.

  • If you find it appropriate, cover your head. (I Corinthians 11:3-16)
  • Encourage him in his abilities.
  • Talk positively about him.
  • Defer to him when asked about making time commitments.
  • If you have a question about something in the sermon, ask him first before going to the preacher/teacher.
  • Actually, finding something to talk about or ask about the sermon would be a great way to show respect, even if you know the answer.  Show him that you care about his thoughts and ideas on the subject!
  • If your husband doesn’t ordinarily attend, then praise him when he does.
  • Thank him for taking the family to church.
  • Let your husband know that you are praying for God to give him wisdom as the spiritual leader of the family.
  • Encourage him to participate in men’s groups where appropriate – don’t begrudge him that time.
  • Don’t make fun of his singing if he’s monotone!
  • Praise him for getting involved.

In Your Home

In most cases, you are the master of your home.  You are probably there most of the time, you know how to clean it much better than he does, and you are probably given free reign to do with it as you please.  However, he will still want to claim some area as his– the den, an office, the garage.  There has to be some space that he is allowed to be as “organized” as he wants and that he can call his own.  Call it a guy thing.

  • Allow him to have a space that is defined as his.
  • Ask him respectfully and with a pleasant tone of voice about projects you would like to be done around the house and an idea for when you want them done.
  • Do not nag him to get the projects completed.
  • Be clear in your requests, don’t make him guess.
  • If what he does is not up to your standards, explain what you would prefer without being judgmental.
  • Be his wife, not his mom.
  • Allow his input into what you make for meals.
  • Praise the things that he gets accomplished.
  • Guard your tongue as to how you talk about some feature of the house you do not like– most likely he’s providing for it and he could take it as an attack on him or his ability to provide well for the family.
  • Make the house presentable, but don’t stress over being perfect.
  • Home is where you are, more than the house, if you’re stressed, he will be upset.
  • Respect that he sees women all day long that have prepared themselves to be in public– what do you look like when he sees you?
  • Clean out all clothing that doesn’t fit or he doesn’t like. (If he is ok with that, of course!)
  • There’s a look that you know how to give…
  • Massage his shoulders when he isn’t expecting it.
  • Run your fingers through his hair.
  • Sit down next to him and snuggle into his arm.
  • Leave a note on his night stand that lists a few of the traits you respect in him.
  • Write a message in the mirror he’ll see after he showers.

On Vacation

When going on vacation, it isn’t time to let up on letting him or encouraging him to lead.

  • Don’t question whether he knows how to get where he’s going.  Let him ask you if he wants help with directions.
  • Ask him how much you should pack.
  • Let him pack the car– it’s a big sign of manliness to figure out how to get all the luggage in there
  • He’s goal oriented and will want to make it as far as he’s planned.  Try to keep stops to a minimum.
  • Ask how far he wants to get that day.
  • Do what you can to keep the commotion down.
  • Take turns driving if he would appreciate that.
  • Realize that many men view the ability to drive the whole way manly– it’s not a comment about whether you can drive.
  • Don’t blackmail with embarrassing vacation photos!
  • Make sure he’s included in family photos– no one likes to see that they were never there.  But don’t force him to be in tons of pictures if he hates having his picture made!
  • Plan time to make the vacation special with the two of you, even if you have brought the kids.
  • Make sure that you get the proper amount of sleep– hard to be respectful when you’re fighting exhaustion!
  • Let him know what you would like to do on the vacation, that way he’s not taken by surprise.
  • Try to stick to the plan.  Some things can’t be helped, but not keeping to a plan can be frustrating.
  • Enjoy yourselves– it will let him feel like he’s providing a good time.
  • Thank him for all that he does and for the wonderful trip.

At The Store

The store can be an infuriating place for a guy.  You’ve made the list, he doesn’t know what’s on it.  You know the brands, he wants to get in and out as fast as possible.  You’re there for clothing, he has nothing to do while you try things on.

  • Share lists, if possible– nothing’s more humiliating than having to follow you around as you dole out instructions.
  • If you find something’s amiss, show him the right brand without judging the one he got– no huffing.
  • Purchase more at once, if your husband is ok with that, this allows for fewer trips to the store.
  • If you’re clothes shopping, plan to do it without the kids.
  • Plan to get his input on your clothing choices.
  • Don’t stick him holding your purse.
  • Don’t take him if you don’t need him there.
  • If you’re getting clothing, maybe to make it exciting, pick up something “just for him.”
  • Try for efficiency.  He knows that his time is worth something, do you?
  • If there’s something that he’s mentioned that is at the store, make sure that you get it– especially if he’s mentioned it more than once.
  • Surprises are nice– for both people– so think about surprising him when he’s not looking if it is within your budget.

In Front of the Kids

Nowhere is order and respect more important than in front of the kids.  I’d also say that nowhere is it harder.  You’re in charge all day.  You have to make decisions, maintain discipline, teach, and be all that your kids and your house requires.  When your husband arrives home, it can be easy to look at him as just another person needing something, or to look at him as the cavalry where you can go veg out and he can take over.  Neither of these are necessarily helpful.

  • Stop what you are doing and smile, HUG him and KISS him like you mean it and say, “Welcome home!”  
  • Teach the children to clean up a bit before Daddy comes home and then run to him and welcome him home.  Make that time special!
  • If you have a concern about how he handled something, don’t question him in front of the kids.
  • Get his input on decisions, especially bigger ones.
  • If you ask his opinion, make sure you act on it– otherwise don’t ask.
  • If he tells the kids something (either they can or can’t do something), don’t alter it, even if you think you know better.
  • Make sure that you’re on the same page raising the kids.
  • Escalate to him– children should know it’s a worse thing to have to be disciplined by dad.
  • Realize that him not being there all day means less time he has to be consistent, and encourage him in consistency with discipline.
  • Praise him to your kids when your kids are not around.
  • Have your kids pray for him when he is not around.
  • Talk with your kids about what he does– especially in his presence.
  • Dad’s can get the impression that they’re just a wallet– teach gratitude.
  • Encourage him to play with his kids, and provide space to do so.
  • Show your kids how you love and respect him, and they will to.  The tone of voice you use and way you speak to your husband is the way your children will speak to him, too!
  • Make your husband a priority over the kids.  They need to see that your relationship is important.
  • Make date night a priority in your life– prepare for it, talk about it, etc.
  • Make sure your kids know you are fixing your husband’s favorite meal.
  • Help the kids prepare a treat for your husband.

Know that he’s not the perfect husband and you’re not the perfect wife, but start from the heart, and learn/practice respect.

FOR MORE IDEAS ABOUT WHAT HUSBANDS FEEL IS RESPECTFUL, CHECK OUT THIS POST!

For some husbands, like mine, less is more, when it comes to ways they feel blessed by us as wives. Read more about how my husband feels respected here.

A wife shares what shows respect to her husband.

————-

This blog will be most relatable for wives who tend to be strong willed/in charge whose husbands are passive.

If your husband is controlling or you are more passive – many things I talk about will still apply (God’s Word always applies)- but you may have to approach some of the practical issues from a different angle.  This blog may not be as helpful for you. If you have serious marriage issues like addictions, abuse, uncontrolled mental health disorders or infidelity  -please seek godly, experienced help. I am not able to address these kinds of extreme issues here and I do not have experience with these situations.

I only write for wives – I don’t write for husbands. A husband cannot force or demand his wife to respect him and submit to him any more than a wife can demand that her husband love her. She must do this willingly and voluntarily out of her love and respect and obedience to Christ.

203 Comments on “What Does Respect Look Like to Husbands?”

  1. Jonathan Nichols
    September 14, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    Is there an equivalent out there for husbands? I know I need to be better…

    • peacefulwife
      September 14, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

      Johnathan,
      That is an excellent question! Let me see what I can find out. :)

      • peacefulwife
        September 16, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

        Johnathan – I have a new post up tonight written by Ronfurg about how to love your wife. I hope you’ll check it out!

    • peacefulwife
      September 15, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

      I’m checking with several godly husbands/bloggers I know to see about getting a similar list for the men. Thanks for asking!

    • Yvone
      March 10, 2014 at 8:06 am #

      Hi dear

      i was reading your site and read the article about respect to men. Dear i have been married for 2 years now, i have a son who is 1 and half year. First my husband started drinking much and coming late, after a while he decided to change but i discovered that he is been taking borrowing money form different banks without even noticing me. Guess what ? in less than a year i discovered that he is having affair with several women. ( i found out sms, and chat which are intimate with 33 different women).

      I am telling you i feel so down, lost and wonder if it was the right to do when i decided to marry him.When i ask whats wrong, why he is been behaving that way, he says its because i don’t respect him. now i don’t understand the meaning that word. I tried cancelling with family but in vain.

      I feel betrayed, not respected and not loved. I am almost filling for divorrce but i would like my son to have a real family.

      Dear as i am writing to you, tears are all over my eyes, i really bad to think that i decided to spend the rest of life with this kind of man.( secretful, having afair, etc) i feel like a total stranger in my own house. We are in africa, im Chretian what should i do?

      Please pray for me and advice me.

      Blessings

      • peacefulwife
        March 10, 2014 at 8:27 am #

        Yvonne,

        Goodness! what a heartbreaking situation. :(

        You are not responsible for your husband’s sin. That is his responsibility and he will stand accountable to God for that one day.

        If a husband is unrepentant about infidelity, I believe a wife needs to say that this is not ok and needs to leave the situation until he is willing to repent. But, I trust God to give you the wisdom about exactly what He wants you to do and how to do it, I don’t have His wisdom.

        Yes, as we learn to respect our husbands, that can bring a lot of healing. But, our respect doesn’t fix everything.

        I personally don’t think I could stay if my husband was cheating, but would have to say, “You are breaking our covenant before God. Please repent and turn back to God and to me. Maybe with a lot of godly counseling, we can eventually rebuild our marriage.”

        But if he will not repent, please seek godly counseling.

        What does he say he wants?

        What is his relationship with Christ?

        What is your relationship wtih Christ?

        Are you safe?

        Do you have anywhere to go?

        How I wish I could hug your neck!!!

        I am praying with you!

        • val
          August 16, 2014 at 7:29 pm #

          respect yourself enough to remove your precious godly self from that situation, then God can deal with him. Grow in God yourself and receive all God has for you by his spirit. My first husband cheated on me when my our baby was one month old. God filled me with his love and peace and forgiveness. I wish you Gods best don’t settle for less :-) Love in Christ!!!!

      • Debbie purser
        October 14, 2014 at 10:13 am #

        Hope all is better I’m in an almost same situation but after 24 yrs of marriage and it has been going on for years but recently found the truth 21/2 years ago. It’s not your fault it is his heart. The story of Hosea spoke to me. I believe God is desiring us all to become all His my situation has stripped me of everything I thought I was close to God before but I see more of his brokenness over sin especially sin of neglect making a vow to God to follow Him and then only including Him in our lives on Sunday mornings hang
        In there

    • hannahbrock2011
      April 24, 2014 at 7:31 pm #

      This list is literally exactly the same for wives too….just put it vice versa :) sometimes we complicate matters too much when it comes to “respect” and “love”….they really are the same thing. I think respect has a lot more to do with sex and love has a lot more to do with communication, but that is just a personal opinion…as is the list above.

    • Judy Thiel
      December 2, 2014 at 7:47 am #

      My husband and I have grown far apart. we have been fighting over what I believe to be serious. We moved into our dream home, the neighborhood had 6 homes all beautiful. A women in the neighbor hood seem to spend a lot of time speaking with my husband, she never spoke to me, I did try. I told my husband there was something about her I didn’t trust, I beleive a women can pick up on other women. My husband told me she had been calling him at work and that he didn’t think anything about it,, however he didn’t tell me about until much later. I was crushed, I felt betrayed, embarrassed, and my trust was challenged. He gave so many different reasons for her calls, just being neighborly, then it was business, so on. Then he told me ok you wNt to know the truth I f’d her all over town, he has a way of speaking to me that is abrasive and demeaning, his body language, the tone of his voice, and he has a way of putting back on me, for example 1) you talk to men 2) what about a kid that works @ McDonalfs(he is gay and just a kid. He never takes anything serious. I also found out he worked late at night w/ a younger women for months, with no one else there. He told me he thought about what it would be like to have sex w/her. Also he has not been truthful about many things involving this women, things I heard and things he did, his brother/boss said to me why are you worried about her, that affair has been over for years, he still denies this. Now the real betral, my abusive mother lives in Hawaii , I had not seen her in over thirty years, although I tried many times by ph. And by stopping by her stores leaving notes that we were there and would like to see her. She didn’t want anything to do with me or my siblings . After finally speaking w/her in late 2013, my husband was living in a hotel, but he agreed to go w/me to see her for support, he never liked my mother and would at times say to me ” you are no good just like your mother.” but when we got to Hawaii, they ganged up on me w/ verbal and emotional abuse, I over heard them talking about me with very negative remarks, my mother interfered with our marriage ” can Al have another beer ” in public, and telling me that she heard I ran my husbands life. She put down my hair , my clothes and would knock my legs off if I crossed th saying who do you think you are? One day she said out loud Al get her out of her, I was shocked, he left and I begged her to stay, that I loved her and I would be more comfortable now that he was gone, she said no. I called a cab and she scooted her chair right in front of me and listened to every word(like I was a child. I asked the dispatcher if I could have help with my luggage, again my mother said who do you think you are, and where do you think you are. Every time my husband and I had words he ran to my mothers condo from our hotel, one night he came back drunk and started being abusive, he ended up breaking my ribs and when I broke free I ran out yelling help, a couple helped me ant the hotel called the police, he was arrested, but never went before a judge, my mother got him out early that morning and she also knows the police dept. Because of break ins in her jewelry stores. Also while we were there my mother gave my husband 6000.00 dollars in cash and told him not to tell me. My husband is a Vice President of a lg. Const. Co. and makes a good living, I’m turning 66 in Feb. and he is 74, I think he has a serious health problem . He never acknowledged my 65th B’day or our 35th wedding anniversary. Evan after all this it still hurt. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. Thank you for listening to me.
      Judy
      E

      • Peacefulwife
        December 2, 2014 at 10:25 am #

        Judy,

        My goodness! If your husband is cheating on you or is violent with you – please, please seek help.

        What is your relationship with Christ, my precious girl?

        Please contact The National Hotline for Abuse, or The Salvation Army, or a trusted pastor. If you are in danger, please try to get somewhere safe. These are very severe issues and you are going to need experienced, personal help.

  2. Will
    May 19, 2013 at 12:03 am #

    Thank u for this! My wife disrespects me and she doesnt even realize it andthats why were separated today. I refuse to except it!!!

    • peacefulwife
      May 19, 2013 at 8:31 am #

      Will,
      Most women today don’t know what respect is and don’t recognize disrespect. :( That is how I was! It is not intentional – but it disrespect wounds our men whether we intend it to or not. I pray that God might open her eyes and that He might bring healing and restoration to your marriage. I’m glad to talk with her if she is interested. Thanks for the comment.

      • MsJaave
        May 31, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

        Hi Will,

        I’m so sorry that you’re separated from your wife, whom I’m sure loves you very much, and is hurting just as much as you are. Take it from me, I absolutely LOVE, LOVE my husband, and love the Lord abov all, but I’m so fleshly sometimes and find myself disrespecting my husband, and only catch myself AFTER I’ve done it. And truthfully, most of the time i don’t even realize I’m doing it, until after I see my husband’s reaction or expression and realize I’ve must have said something wrong, but I don’t know what it was, and by that point I’m scared to ask because I “might” get hurt by his response. I struggle with this, partly because I grew up with a strong, single mom who always had to run the show. I know what God’s word says and daily I pray for help. Honestly, I’m having to teach myself and also let God teach me how to respect (thus, why and how I found this blog, thanks Peaceful Wife). Because in all honesty I’m having to learn what “Respect” really means. So all that to say, be strong and FIGHT for your marriage by fighting down on your knees praying for her and yourself, cover her with the Word and let the Holy Spirit convict her, not your words. Love her just as Christ loved us and watch God chang her, because love NEVER fails!

      • MDF
        June 26, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

        My husband is disconnected from me because he says I show him no respect.

      • Sha
        October 13, 2014 at 1:12 am #

        Hello peacefulwife

        please email me, as I too am a wife

        • Peacefulwife
          October 13, 2014 at 8:27 am #

          Sha,

          I am no longer able to email each wife individually, but I am available here. I am setting your name to require moderation so that I won’t publish what you share and I will keep it private, if you would like to talk with me. :)

          Much love!

          • akinrefon eno
            March 18, 2015 at 4:52 pm #

            I just stumbled on ds blog. Right nw as I write I n my husband r in different rooms. Wv bin married 4 6yrs. N iv movd out n in for five yrs. My husb cld b unfeelin n unforgiving. He gets angry over anytin n wil make m beg 4 forgiveness for 24hrs. I’m emotionaly traumatised. I av no strenght to beg him again for not layin our bed on time. Pls elp me cos I can’t keep up wt ds anymore

  3. Nekiwa Smith
    May 20, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    I know i can do better with thinvs on the list. Ive been married 13 yrs. I hope and pray my hubby is patient with m:) He threatens that hes given me 13 yrs and with Jesus i can change now. It shoukdnt take years. I feel stressed allthe time to hurry and get here so my marriage canbe saved but iknow God is great and powerful.

  4. Sherry
    May 25, 2013 at 8:16 am #

    Interesting that you mentioned “packing the car”. Having played the single mom for many years and now being married to a pastor (going on 3 years now of a 7 yr relationship, and he’s a very godly man who truly loves the Lord), who would have thunk. I mean, it’s just packing the car, but truly, it IS a big deal to him! He/we travel back and forth to his family farm 3-4 times/month, and it’s like packing for vacation. The farmhouse where he grew up is, well, “primitive”. I’ve learned to let him do the packing which takes a load off me and he enjoys it.

    Can I get off topic a bit, b/c this opened up some other things that I’m sure you covered in other blogs? Tools….. Oh my goodness!!! Wherever we gol, we’re lugging around an entire workshop in the back of the mini-van! When traveling, we have at least one of my sons (if not both), usually two larger dogs (yellow lab and bloodhound), a cooler of food, clothes for 1-2 days usually and other odds/ends. Needless to say, the quarters are rather cramped for a 2 hour ride.

    Back to the tools…. yes, it was bugging me. At the parsonage, he has rarely needed tools and we do have some available. Lowes is less than a mile away if we don’t have something and he doesn’t want to ask anyone about borrowing tools (that must be a guy-thing).

    A while ago when we were pressed for space, I asked him to please make a decision on the tools because I didn’t feel it was necessary to lug this workshop around everywhere we went. He said he would….. and the weeks rolled by….. I asked again and got the same response. I waited. A few months have gone by.

    There are many times that my husband goes to the farm with the dogs. If the van breaks down, I want him to be prepared, but let’s think about this for a minute. There’s not much he’s going to be able to do with a battery-operated drill or a sander kit while on the highway! Last week, prior to another visit, I will admit I did NOT handle the situation in a Christ-like manner, but reverted back to my rather irritable self. The tools made it to the farm where he decided to leave most of them, keeping enough in the van in case of emergencies. Am I happy? No! First of all, what is it about lugging tools around that I am missing here? Is this a guy-thing? After all, we have AAA. Second, why did I have to make the request 3 times? Maybe I shouldn’t have asked more than once and just kept quiet? Then there’s the financial aspect we have to consider. While he is an under-paid professional, I am the bread winner of the family (PRAYING for that situation to change!!!) We’re spending $$ on gas to lug the extra, unnecessary weight around. God is supplying our needs, but it is our responsibility to be good stewards.

    I am learning to be a more peaceful wife. I am a scarred woman, and Christ is working daily to heal the wounds. My husband has a beautiful spirit, but he can also be passive-resistant. I am very pro-active and efficient (part of being a quality engineer). I definitely want to be more of a blessing that a curse to my husband because we’re in this together and for the long haul. I don’t want to settle…. I want to be my best, through strength in Christ, for my husband.

    Thanks for letting me share! Your ministry truly is a blessing!
    Sherry

    • peacefulwife
      May 25, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

      Sherry,

      It is wonderful to meet you!!!

      Congratulations on your marriage! :) It sounds like you are extremely blessed!!

      Your husband reminds me of my FIL – he is a pastor, too. His van always has tons of tools in it – he has rent houses he works on. So it is kind of his portable shed, I think. :)

      I’m very glad that you were able to see how important packing the trunk is to him and let him have at it – and enjoy some peaceful time to yourself. ;)

      That does sound like the mini-van is crowded. I actually agree with you – I prefer a lot less clutter in a vehicle.

      From what you are writing – I am assuming that is the most significant issue you are having with him – would that be correct?

      I am very proud of you for asking respectfully about the tools, and then waiting such a long time (for a woman!) and asking respectfully again. At this point, it seems that you may have your answer, based on his behavior. Right now, it has not been a top priority for him to clean out the tools. He may do it still in the future. He may not.

      If the most aggravating thing he does is hoard tools in his mini-van – I say you are one of the luckiest women on earth!!!! :)

      So – here’s the deal, my precious sister:

      – You have every right to ask him for what you would like – removing some of the tools. You have now done that 3 times. He hasn’t moved the tools.

      – He has every right to decide to answer “no” if he thinks it is best for him to have the tools in the mini-van. He also has the right to decide what his priorities will be, and to hold off on moving the tools if there are more urgent things that he believes he needs to do for his work or the family. You cannot force him to remove his tools. Well… you could. But that would be extremely disrespectful. I did something like that once- many years ago. Cleaned up my husband’s tools in the very messy garage when a heating and air guy couldn’t walk to the furnace in the garage. My calm, passive (at the time) husband, has never been more upset than he was that night. That is probably one of the most disrespectful things I ever did – because I did it, KNOWING he told me not to touch anything, but I didn’t care what he wanted. I didn’t want to be embarrassed with the heating and air guy again the next day. NOT WISE on my part. I cared more about respecting and pleasing that total stranger than I did about respecting and pleasing my husband or God. :( I’m ashamed to say.

      – Here is what I ask myself now. “Is this issue more important than my intimacy with Christ? If so, then I can make it into a huge deal with my husband. Jesus commands me to respect my husband and to honor His leadership. Maybe, God knows that there will be a need in a few weeks, and my husband will be prepared because maybe God is nudging him to keep some of these things in the van. I am not privy to God’s plans or prompting in my husband’s heart. And is this issue more important than the unity and peace of our marriage? Is this issue more important to me than respecting my husband? Is this issue big enough and critical enough that I need to jeopardize the unity and intimacy in my marriage about it?”

      If it is more important than Christ or my marriage or my husband – then it’s time to go for it and try to force my way.

      – I also ask myself, “Is my husband asking me to sin or to condone sin?” Is it a sin for him to have a bunch of tools in his mini-van? Not that I can find in scripture.

      – Then I ask myself, “Am I holding bitterness and resentment in my heart about this issue? Am I being unforgiving? Am I being selfish to try to force my way? Am I being prideful, thinking I know so much better than my husband or that my way is the only way that is ‘right’? Am I trying to control him instead of honor his God-given leadership?” Those things ARE SINS in the Bible .

      – Yes it is your responsibility to be good stewards. And I am not a gas-milage expert. But I feel pretty confident that it’s not that big of a difference in gas expenses. If it is – HE is the one God will hold accountable, not you. So, you are off the hook! You have asked him to remove the tools. It does seem that he removed some. He is a grown man, and it is his within his rights to decide how many tools he wants to bring in his mini-van. You may not like it. That’s ok. You are free to share your desire with him – to remove the tools – and you have done that. So now it is up to you to graciously accept his decision and learn to be content with the circumstances. Realize that by allowing him the freedom to make the choice about what to bring in the mini-van, you are showing him that you trust him, that you have faith in him, that you allow him to make his own choices about his life, and that you honor his leadership in the family. By graciously accepting his decision, you choose intimacy with Christ, unity with Him, intimacy with your husband and unity with Him. And, you never know, you just might be able to witness miracles as God works in your husband’s heart about something as simple as his tools. I got to witness something like that, probably because of a man who didn’t listen to his wife about the exact kinds of things you are talking about! Check it out! A Real Life Example of Biblical Respect and Submission

      – This is a big step in learning to give up more control and trust instead.

      – Husbands assume that when we trust them about little things like this issue – that we will trust them about much bigger issues. They also assume that if we don’t trust them about little issues, that we don’t trust them on bigger issues. Your trust, faith, cooperative spirit, joy in Christ even as he makes a decision you don’t like, and willingness to give him room to make his own choices and even to make ‘wrong’ choices in your mind – will help spur him on to become a better leader and more godly man.

      – I pray that you will find your contentment 100% in Christ, not in your circumstances. And I pray that God might work powerfully, even in this little issue, to show how beautiful His design for marriage is.

      I also have a post for pastor’s wives, if you are interested. That is a HUGE responsibility! I admire and respect you greatly for your ministry to your husband and family and your church family! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!!!!! :)

      • patricia
        October 4, 2014 at 6:08 pm #

        I know this is an old post but I had to respond.
        Tools = symbols of manliness and capability. Separating a man from his tools is not a good idea. My husband NEVER has enough tools. It is not possible for a man to have enough tools. Perhaps its symbolic of their preference to believe the sky is the limit as far as what they are capable of accomplishing goes, lol! I suspect that for city fellas, its a way of holding on to an aspect of masculinity that city living can cut a guy off from. Strange creatures, I know. Perhaps some of us should just acquire a small utility trailer to take with us on every trip.

        • Peacefulwife
          October 4, 2014 at 6:41 pm #

          Patricia,

          I love this! Your explanation is so good. Thank you!

  5. Kristen
    July 8, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

    help! I desire God’s will in my life and I am at a crossroads. My flesh wants to file for divorce, and several Christian friends say I have biblical reasons to file, but I am afraid that if I give up I may be missing a blessing. Before I blame my husband for all our problems, I know that I am not a respectful wife. I never had a good example of how a woman shows respect to her husband. I love that you have a list to show specifically how to be respectful. Here’s my dilemma: I do not know how to show respect for my husband. Throughout our marriage, he has a tendency to put himself first (I was admitted to the hospital, when he found out he drove to meet me, but stopped to get a soda first, crashed the truck in their drive thru, and when he came to the hospital, he no longer worried about me, but came into my room upset yelling about his truck) (another ex: I had a c section with my 4th child, although I was in much discomfort 6 days after my c section he chose to go to a music concert from 4pm till midnight and leave me at home with a newborn and 3 kids to care for) He looks at pornography online, smokes marijuana, we live paycheck to paycheck and can barely pay our bills, but he financially supports his habit. He works hard and puts in long hours, but continues to chose careers where there is no room for advancement, and only last months to a few years, then closes out his 401k lives off that for a month or so and then goes to the next job. I want so much more for myself and my children… he is perpetually angry and yells at me (I tend to be the brunt of his anger) and the kids almost daily. I do want to be respectful, and I have prayed to God to help me see my husband the way He does, to help me to love my husband and help me to respect my husband…. but when he comes home late, from drinking and smoking and wants to fight (never physically) I have a hard time holding my tongue and be respectful. I can usually go for 30 mins or more letting him vent, but after awhile I tend to respond and my responses are neither loving or respectful.

  6. Cristiana3597
    August 13, 2013 at 9:40 am #

    What a great post! My boyfriend and I are not married, but I think respect needs to start much earlier than marriage, and I have been terribly bad in this department… so has he, but he won’t admit it… yet… hoping to be a better example of what respect looks like so he can learn from (hopefully!!).

    • peacefulwife
      August 13, 2013 at 10:03 am #

      Christiana,
      YES! Respect does need to start WAY, WAY before marriage! That is why I have a blog for single women, too… http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com.

      I am SO excited that you are willing to learn now – you will spare yourself and your man much grief!

      • Cristiana3597
        August 13, 2013 at 10:20 am #

        Awesome! This will help me out greatly, and our relationship…

        • peacefulwife
          August 13, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

          Cristiana,
          You are very welcome! :) Let me know if there is anything you want to talk about or would like me to address!

  7. Annie
    August 24, 2013 at 2:53 am #

    Having fed his needs in the 13 yrs we have been married …. I am reduced from an independent person capable of standing on my own feet to someone who is totally dependent with no earnings ! And now I find out that he respected me for what I was and not what I have turned into after marriage and kids !! He now loves to get attention from women who are independent and aggressive !!

    • peacefulwife
      August 24, 2013 at 6:44 am #

      Annie,

      It is great to meet you!

      Would you like to talk about what is going on a bit more?

      I am always glad to hear from you.

  8. RODH
    August 31, 2013 at 7:29 am #

    Are there actually Christian women that RESPECT their husband? I’d be so very grateful to God if my wife even had a tiny bit of respect for me. Right after we married my informed me she HATED the word ‘Submit’ and felt that women were to be respected! (yes they do, but it’s a 2-way street!) For 18 of our 21yrs together, it’s been VERY BAD.After she spent us bankrupt (giving to her drunk daughter and that girls husband) 1996, one month later I was diagnosed (no sympathy wanted) with cancer.3yrs to get back on my feet and during this time she (for the most part) abandon me to be with daughter and grandkids, so this meant she didnt cook anymore nor clean. That daughter has been such a negative influence! I got tired of coming home after work and cleaning soi talked to a lady counselor at church. She said quit cleaning and let her live in her own pig-sty and it’s been that way since. All the fighting, bickering and stress caused me to have major panic attacks,that’s a fearful thing! Then in 2010 I had a stroke. I’m telling every one of you that kind of stress breaks down the body! Now doctors say spinal stenosis. I’m ready to get rid of her, she’s been drinking since just before the stroke and gets smashed drunk! And to think I didnt see these things in her when we dated nearly2 yrs! Now i’m ready to put her out of the house. House is filthy to the MAX. She’s never had to do without $$, drives a Lincoln so whats the deal? She has let herself become so terribly fat! I’m no liar. She weighed 110 when we married, now she’s heavier than me (i’m162lbs) After all this, I still want to be a good Christian man and do whats right, but after stroke and yrs of trying to make it work, i see no hope. She even moved out of our master bedroom to a seperate room. For my health emotionally and physically, I think it’s best to go our seperate ways. I’ve been as good a husband to her as I know how, never been with another woman, etc. As I said, I see no hope of working anything out. I’d GIVE to have her love me, show compassion and passion, respect me, for her to do what’s right. BLESSED ARE YOU MEN WHO HAVE A RESPECTFUL, LOVING WIFE WHO WANTS TO DO YOU GOOD!

    • peacefulwife
      August 31, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

      RODH,

      I am so sorry that things have been extremely difficult in your marriage.
      I can tell you this – God is able to change people’s hearts. He changed mine! And I get to watch him dramatically change many other wives’ hearts here, as well.
      I pray God will give you wisdom and His Spirit’s power to love, lead and pray for your wife and family that He might be greatly glorified.

      • RodH
        September 2, 2013 at 5:57 am #

        Peaceful, I’m willing that God change my heart too. I’ certainly not perfect! You state you get to watch God dramatically change other wives’hearts, That would be Welcome in this house. I’d love to have a woman who actually would approach me with genuine hugs, and to be a peaceful woman, plus one who cooks, cleans etc. I didn’t marry to have a maid, but for a relationship which includes Love to each other, and each doing what is needed, but also things spoken of in the Bible! OH Goodness I’d welcome that indeed!
        Thank you much!
        Rod

        • peacefulwife
          September 2, 2013 at 8:30 am #

          RodH,
          God definitely changed my heart – in a radical way. It took time to undo all the damage I had learned from our culture, to tear it all out and rebuild on Christ alone. But now I do get to see Him changing wives every day. I can’t open their spiritual eyes. But sometimes God lets me be a small part in that. :)

          Praying for you, my precious brother in Christ!

          Here is a post my actual brother from my family wrote:
          “When My Spouse is Wrong”

          • peacefulwife
            September 2, 2013 at 8:38 am #

            RodH,
            PS
            It may be helpful to you to know that most wives are not purposely disrespectful. Most of us have no idea what disrespect is to our husbands or what respect is to men. We are usually responding to feeling unloved. And sometimes if we feel our husband is sinning against us, we feel justified in treating him poorly to try to show him our pain. Of course, that is not biblical! But most women I have worked with – and it has been hundreds now – do not intentionally disrespect their husbands. They are often acting out of fear and think they have to try to take control. Most wives in this situation do not see God’s sovereignty. In fact, I have come to believe that a wife’s level of respect and biblical submission for her husband is a tangible indicator of her level of reverence and submission to Christ.

            When a woman begins to understand God’s sovereignty, and that He is in control, not her – things begin to change. And when women begin to understand what respect and disrespect are – they can learn to speak the language of respect fluently in time.

            Most women do not even realize there is a whole masculine world of respect. They think men need love like they do. They try more love and words, and that doesn’t work. And they are as frustrated and hurt as their husbands, they just don’t know what to do.

            In Christ,
            April

  9. Cristiana3597
    August 31, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    I am very sorry to hear that went through all that :( and i hope you are recovered now. There are women who do respect their husbands. It is what my grandmother instilled in me and i thank God for that every day. It sounds to me like your wife might not respect herself…if thats the case she will have little respect for others. Hang in there and i will pray for you :)

    • RodH
      September 2, 2013 at 5:49 am #

      Cristiana I appreciate your prayers! You commented that wife didn’t respect herself, that may be so, but I have many times asked her to see a counsilor, she did go to two different ones 2 times and quit. She’s been this way for 18years, I’m in physical pain and having anxiety. When the new Pastor gets back in town Sept9th he will call her and arrange for a meeting. If he can’t drastically change right away, it’s time to seperate. I’m sorry to God if this happens, but I been asking and even begging him (God) to change her for all this time. It’s time to go a new direction.
      Thanks again.
      Rod

      • RodH
        September 2, 2013 at 10:47 am #

        I read what I have typed and I apoligize to everyone. I know I must appear ‘over the top’ and forceful, but that’s not what I want or desire to portray (nor be either). I know I must be Strong In God and try to see the good in my wife. I see I need to change some things of my own as well.
        Thanks to all,
        Rod

  10. Mary
    September 10, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

    What did you mean cover YOUR head?And RESPECT YOUR husband for looking at other women just because they are out in publuc? You are so wrong lady!!”

  11. Sandy Fisher
    October 15, 2013 at 10:45 pm #

    I got married to my best friend not a control freak. Your blog leaves no room for a wife to be herself. A marriage includes two people not one. I gaurentee you start doing all these things he will be spoiled and think everything is all about him. He will abuse his power and will start mistreating the wife.

    • peacefulwife
      October 16, 2013 at 6:44 am #

      Sandy,
      I’m sure there are some abusive men who may do that. Thankfully, most men actually respond very positively and become much more thoughtful, loving, kind, generous and selfless. My husband did. So have many husbands that I know of. The only men I am aware of who haven’t responded well to a wife’s genuine respect have been men who were already quite abusive, addicted to drugs/alcohol or with major uncontrolled mental issues. That is one reason I mention often that a wife with serious situations like this seek help.

      My husband is not at all a control freak. He’s very laid back. But there are reasons why God commands wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33) – it is because men thrive on respect the way that women thrive on love. The same God who commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her told wives to respect their husbands and to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.(honor the husband’s God-given leadership).

      Husbands are commanded to love and honor their wives and be gentle with them as well.

      When God’s Spirit empowers us to be the wives He desires us to be – He can give us the strength to use our words to give life, to build up, to encourage and to bless instead of using our words to destroy, criticize, tear down, berate, lecture and complain.

      Becoming a respectful wife is actually part of the sanctification process of us becoming more and more like Jesus. With His Spirit filling us up, we are going to treat our husbands and all people with respect. It is not a chore, but a joy.

      Thanks for sharing your concerns! I pray for God’s greatest blessings on your walk with Him and your marriage.

      • peacefulwife
        October 16, 2013 at 6:45 am #

        Oh!

        Sandy,

        As believers in Christ, He calls us to die to our old sinful self. So it is true that we are no longer our sinful selves. But we put on our new self in Christ. So we are our new selves – the selves God desires us to be. :)

  12. Chrissie G
    October 23, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

    hi there, i’ve only just come across your blog and wish i had earlier. We’ve been together for 3years and have a child f our own a few months old, we did everything the other way round, moved in together following our previous marriages etc etc so we are a combined family. Of late all we do is argue and i;m not perfect i know that, but this article has hit home a bit. Our plans of getting married went on the back bench as neither of us could not think about going through another bad marriage. Now there is a bit of work theere but believe that restoration can occur somehow as long as God allows it and i have faith, hence i think i was led here. HELP, i need to know where to start. We barely talk now but i am trying to correct my wrongs, i don’t want us to hurt each other unnecessarily as we both used to love each other a lot.

  13. Sherri
    October 23, 2013 at 11:52 pm #

    I just found your blog this evening I have read many of your articles and also the responses. I too wish I would have found it 3 years ago as I am on my second marriage and we are struggling. My husband has said it is about my disrespect to him and how I take the majority of decision making upon myself as well as disciplining my two children. Our intimate life has gone by the wayside, we don’t talk and my children are miserable as well as ourselves as we fight often. I pray and sometimes I feel that I just need to let go and I feel like a failure. Other times I feel that I need to hang on. I too was raised by my mother who was very independent and a strong woman who made all the decisions in our home. I guess I have always been like that when it came to all areas of my life. It’s hard for me to step back and let someone else make the decisions as it makes me feel weak inside and that I’m not doing as well or as well as I thought my mother was doing. This problem in our marriage has consumed me and pulled me back down mentally to where I was in my previous marriage.

    • peacefulwife
      October 24, 2013 at 6:55 am #

      Sherri,
      There is so much hope in Christ! He can change your heart and mind and give you a new life. I’m very glad to walk beside you on this road. :) If you want to talk about how to get started – I am glad to do that with you.

      It is wonderful to meet you! If you are willing to do things God’s way – I believe that God may heal your marriage. :)

      Sending you a HUGE hug!

      • Sherri
        October 29, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

        Thank you, I appreciate that so much. I am praying and we are talking more but this comes and goes. I know there are many areas we need to repair. I pray its not too late and that my husband truly wants the same.

        • peacefulwife
          October 30, 2013 at 6:16 am #

          Sherri,
          I know this… our God is ABLE. And He love marriage. If anyone can heal your marriage, He can. :) Praying for you as well!!!!!

  14. peacefulwife
    October 24, 2013 at 10:05 am #

    Tami,

    It is a HUGE relief not to try to be in charge of everyone! This is definitely the path to peace. I’m SO excited about what God is doing in your heart. WOOHOO!!!!!! :) I just have to praise Him with you. :) Thanks so much for sharing!

  15. Pureheart
    October 27, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

    God Bless Everyone, I am feeling so blessed today, like many here, I wish, I could have knew about how different a man thinks and a woman loves, a BIG WOW, God is so good and never come late. I must admit on, I had no idea, in how disrespectful, I been to my Husband, not in bad mouthing him, but in other ways, I also came from a mom not single, but she would ask my dad to do thing and if he didn’t she would do it, and I became her, I didn’t realize, that some simple things really do manner. I also believe strong that God can restore a marry and chance our hearts. I am willing to start today, what I have learned, being more careful in what I say and do, and pray to my Lord to walk me through in all. To teach Us and take from Us, what is not right in His eyes. Lord I am more than grateful for this blog. Please keep blessing Peaceful Wife and continue giving her the wisdom, you have given her, so she can share and bless with others, for your Glory.

    • peacefulwife
      October 27, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

      Pureheart,

      I was just getting ready to respond to your last post. But it looks like God beat me to some of it! :)

      If you had a very dominating, controlling mom – you have been “programmed wrong” about how to be a godly wife and woman. You will have to do what I did (even though my mom was not at all controlling or dominating)… I had to trash everything I thought I knew about being a good wife, a godly wife, about marriage, about masculinity and about femininity. I had to repent of all of my sin – my PRIDE, my idolatry of SELF, my expecting Greg to make me happy instead of finding contentment in Christ alone, my thinking I was better than my husband, my unknowing disrespect, my disobedience to God’s Word, my unforgiveness, my bitterness, my resentment….

      It takes time to shovel out all of the lies we learned growing up and in our culture. Then we must rebuild CAREFULLY on Christ and His Word alone. You will find many posts here to help you do this. That is my goal in writing!

      I completely know without a doubt that God is able to heal your marriage and able to do miracles in your life and your husband’s life. We will pray for that together. I pray you will focus mostly on your relationship with God right now. Ask Him to show you all the sin in your heart. Ask Him to remove it even though it hurts.

      Be willing to die to your old sinful self – and lay down your dreams, your plans, your will, your wisdom, your expectations, your desires, your rights – and give them all to Jesus. Then pick up His power, His holiness, His LIFE, His will, His wisdom, His plans, His dreams, His priorities and seek His glory with all your strength. Let Him be LORD. Obey Him in everything no matter what the cost and no matter if anyone else is obeying HIm or not.

      This is a LONG journey to become a godly wife. It is the process a believer goes through to be made more and more like Jesus – sanctification. If you are able to humble yourself and be willing to allow God to teach you His ways and you desire to know and obey Him more than anything – He will change you. And it will be amazing!

      I can’t wait to see what God is about to do in your life!!!!!!!!! :)

  16. Tammy
    October 28, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    We have been married for 10 years and together for 15 years. My husband has had 2 emotional affairs in the last 3 years, so I decided to do some research. I found out that I am not always respecting my husband like I should. I have been praying to God to help my husband. I am also praying to God to change me and make me the person he wants me to be. I am working through The Respect Dare, only on Day 3, but I’m getting there. I am struggling with an issue. We are struggling financially, however, my husband likes to spend money on things that we don’t really need. He works about 14 hours a day, gone from 5am to 7-8pm. I also work full time, take care of the house and our daughter. He has said to me more than once that I should get another job. I have applied for another job in the past, but no one calls me. I think because I am already working, they want to hire someone that needs a job, not a second one. What do you think?? I am being disrespectful if I don’t try to get another job. Just the thought of it is making me feel a little depressed. Between his work and when he is home, he is on the computer. We do not spend any time together in the evenings. Looking forward to your comments. Thank you and God Bless You.

    • peacefulwife
      October 28, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

      Tammy,

      Did you happen to read my post today? I think it is possible to say, “I wish I could get another job because you want me to do that. I appreciate that you want to provide well for us. And I am very thankful for how hard you work to take care of us financially. But I am just not physically, mentally or emotionally able to add another job to my full time job. I am glad to cut expenses anywhere you think I can.”

      God gave the curse of working by the sweat of their brow to husbands – not wives. I don’t like our system in our culture right now! I think that we are hurting in so many ways by stretching moms so thin and not having time we need for the most important things in life.

      As you begin to cut out disrespect and add respect, he will probably eventually care a lot more about your feelings.

      I have a supplement to The Respect Dare that started on July 1st of this year if you are interested. You can search The Respect Dare on my home page if you’d like.

      Please let me know how you are doing!

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

  17. ashley
    October 29, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    My husband and I have been together for a little over two years now. He was divorced and had two kids with his previous wife, and we now have one together. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to respect my husband; I’m the breadwinner and have pretty much carried the weight since he lost his job not too long after we were together. His works now, but he tends to be more angry and negative, and lacks ambition. He treats me well, but I feel like I’m the head of the household and I guess I don’t respect him for that even though I think I helped create it. I’m seeking help because I’ve never been one to have wondering eyes, but I’m being tempted a lot lately. I can’t help but feel like maybe I made the wrong choice and it’s daunting to think I have a whole lifetime ahead of me like this. I love him, but my “feelings” are much different now. Help… I don’t want to make mistakes and I want to trust God; I’m just feeling stuck.

    • ashley
      October 29, 2013 at 3:04 pm #

      I actually think I have found some answers in some of your other posts. Thank you.

    • peacefulwife
      October 30, 2013 at 6:20 am #

      Ashley,
      If you want to talk more about this, please let me know! I saw your comment. :) Praying for you!!!! Thankfully – feelings are not the basis of our marriages, covenant is. And, when we obey God and learn to do things His way – feelings often follow. Now that you are married – I believe it is GOd’s will for you to stay here and respect and honor your husband. It is especially difficult when you are the breadwinner. That causes most women a huge boost in disrespect. So you will have to focus even more on respect than usual -but with God, all things are possible!

      If you are able to find your contentment solely in Christ – He is able to give you joy and peace even in difficult circumstances. :)

      Much love!

  18. Shaunte
    November 13, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    While I was already showing respect in most of these ways, this article has helped me shed light on where I can do better. Respect has always been a big component of my marriage, and it helps that we each came to the relationship with closely aligned expectations of respect to our spouses, but it isn’t always intuitive and I think I’ve been getting a bit lazy (to be honest) in my expression of my respect for my husband.

    Thank you for posting this.

  19. Jennifer
    November 17, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

    I was looking for help with respecting a husband, and stumbled across your list. The reason I’m looking is that I’m currently engaged and pregnant. We’re both Christians and know what we did was not in line with God’s order for family. For this reason, I feel as if we’ve gotten ourselves into a situation that is just way difficult, and I know I’m making the situation worse with my attitude. I am not respectful of him, and he can be unloving towards me. I know this isn’t because he doesn’t love me, but we both allow selfishness to taint our relationship. Currently, our communication is suffering greatly. I kept looking for resources for him to do better (as I kept nagging him), but with prayer, I realized that I was also in the wrong.

    The issue I’m having is getting over my feminist teachings and giving him the room to truly take charge. The complication is twofold, though. The first is that I’m deeply independent and was against being lead by a man. This issue is deeply rooted in my relationship with my father as well as the perception I grew up having about my parents relationship. I am also college educated, and was taught much about women’s liberation. I do believe these issues are very important, but my inability to let them go has given me a chip on my shoulder about the ‘traditional’ marital model. In fact, some of your bullet points made my stomach turn and my eyes roll.

    The second reason is that I do feel like I’m better with decisions and responsibility than he is. I am better educated, more open-minded, and seemingly more practical (in my opinion). It is difficult for a young woman like me to submit to a man who isn’t far superior than her. I feel like he isn’t, and may never be.

    How do I break myself in these areas so that I can learn to be the adoring wife he needs me to be?

    • peacefulwife
      November 17, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

      Jennifer,

      It is a pleasure to meet you!

      And – welcome to the club! Almost every wife who reads this blog has the same forces at work in her life that you do that make it extremely difficult to embrace God’s design for marriage and for being a godly woman.

      Your reasons for believing that you should be in charge are normal. Your training from your parents, your college education, your belief that you make better decisions – these are the reasons that legions of wives have for not following their husbands, not respecting their husbands and for disobeying God’s Word for us as women.

      What God asks us to do – to respect our husbands and honor their God-given leadership (Ephesians 5:22-33, Titus 2:3-5 and I Corinthians 11:3) is completely counter-cultural, counter-feminism, un-politically correct and it all goes radically against our sinful nature.

      I’m thankful that you can see why you want to reject God’s wisdom for you. THat is the first part of moving toward God and away from sin.

      Now – just like I had to – and many women before you have had to – you will have to wrestle with the fact that none of those reasons, none of your upbringing, none of your education and none of your sinful self give you any valid excuse before God for living in rebellion to His Word.

      Marriage is difficult. It magnifies our sin. It magnifies our men’s sin. It reveals the depth of our own selfishness and pride. It requires dying to self. It requires trashing everything we think we know about being a godly woman, about marriage, about being a godly wife, about femininity and masculinity – and forces us to rebuild on Christ and His truth alone.

      I’m so thankful that you are discovering these things now – not 14.5 years into your marriage like I did.

      Check out my “About” page.

      What you will have to do is to recognize your own mountain of sin and repent of it.

      WHat you have learned from your family, school and society has built up your pride to astromomical levels.

      God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

      Once you see your sin – you will have to HUMBLE yourself and bring yourself down thousands of notches and elevate Christ about a million notches. Then – you will begin to have a proper perspective.

      This is not about who is the best leader. This is not about who would make the best individual decisions. This is not about promoting self. THis is about your relationship with Christ.

      What I know now – is that my level of respect and biblical submission (willingness to honor my husband’s God-given leadership) is a tangible indicator of my level of reverence and submission to Christ Himself.

      The way I treat my husband reveals the way I treat God. Turns out, before when I was so disrespctful and controlling toward my husband – the real issue was that I had SELF on the throne of my heart. I made myself god in my life – even though I thought I trusted Christ. I beleived I was in charge of my life and circumstances. I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty. I didn’t see my pride, idolatry, selfishness, disrespect, rebellion against God’s Word, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, gossip, etc…

      I had HUGE idols in my heart – self, wanting to be in control, wanting to “feel loved,” expecting my husband to be responsible for my happiness.

      I was not living for Christ as Lord of my life. I was living in much sin. And because of that, I didn’t have His peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

      I had the sinful nature in control – Galatians 5:19-21.

      If you are willing to go on this journey, I am very glad to walk beside you on this road. It will be painful at first. But – living in obedience to God and having His Spirit empower you is the path to true fulfillment, true contentment, true satisfaction, joy, peace and the spiritual riches of heaven.

      You may want to check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and biblical submission. ANd you may want to read the posts from the past two days.

      Let me know when you are ready to get started – and we will take the next step together. I can’t do the hard work for you. But I can point you to Christ, pray for you, encourage you and share my story. I can walk beside you.

      This is the only way to truly follow Christ.

      Jesus says, “Anyone who loves me obeys My commands… Anyone who does not obey My commands does not love Me.” John 14:21,23

      I can tell that you do love God and want to please Him. So – I know that you will be willing to wrestle through these issues in order to walk in obedience to Him.

      I can’t wait to see what God has planned for you! :)

      With love,
      April

      • Jennifer
        November 17, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

        It would be wonderful to have your help and guidance. We should start as soon as possible. I read the blog posts you suggested, and they were quite informative. They touched a need in my heart, convicted me, and gave me some fear! I do believe, however, that God can change my heart. It’s up to whether or not I give Him the opportunity and trust in His sovereignty. I’d also like to suggest your husband’s blog for my fiance. Thank you very much.

        I’m excited for the journey.

        • peacefulwife
          November 17, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

          Jennifer,
          I am so excited about what God is about to do! :)

          Absolutely, God can change your heart – you are exactly right – it is up to you to allow Him to do the changing. :)

          Much love my new friend.

  20. R.Haji
    December 29, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

    Having read this I must say I was quite impressed. You know why? Because this is EXACTLY the same expectations encouraged in Islam (of the wife). Neat! Mashallah. ;D

    • peacefulwife
      December 29, 2013 at 10:25 pm #

      R.Haji,

      Thank you so much for your comment!
      Yes, there are many similarities. In fact, I think that these kinds of things used to be expected of wives in many cultures. I am so sad that our culture has taken us so far from respect for our husbands and other God-given authorities.

      You are welcome here. :). It is wonderful to meet you.

  21. Vaishali
    December 31, 2013 at 6:16 am #

    Nice suggestion…I like it.

  22. Brittany
    January 22, 2014 at 8:06 pm #

    I love this! Thank you for the refreshing and inspiring article.

  23. Micah
    January 26, 2014 at 8:57 pm #

    I could really use prayer in this area. I grew up in such a chaotic home w/ my mom demeaning and screaming at my dad everyday, I can’t seem to get this respect thing down…it seems like it should be so easy, but yet I fail…everyday! UGH!

    • peacefulwife
      January 26, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

      Micah,

      I am glad to help you in any way I can – to point you to resources and to Christ and His Word. I have MANY posts about this issue and the root issues that often are behind disrespect – pride, idolatry of self, idolatry of control, lack of trust in God, lack of obedience to God’s Word, a big picture of ourselves and a small picture of God, a lack of understanding of the sovereignty of God, tetchy.

      How is your relationship with Christ going? This is all about you and Jesus. Until you are Spirit-controlled, you will continue to end up being disrespectful.

      Praying for God to continue His work in your life for His glory!

  24. Shana
    February 4, 2014 at 10:28 am #

    Recently found your blog (love it). Quick question. What if your husband tends to drink often and has this need to see his friends quite a bit- a more “im in college” mentality. You have asked him to stop quite a bit and he wont. He does not drink daily or act crazy if he is drunk but he definitely likes to drink. I used to be that way and am not anymore so it aggravates me more than anything. Sometimes he is “tipsy” and drives home. I have always delt with it with yelling, mean words, put downs, pleads, name calling, kicking him out, etc. He claims to be a believer and goes to church with us every week. He sometimes gets more into church and the drinking decreases. But it is short lived. In a month or few weeks he is back to just being content going once a week. Which erks me to no end b/c I want him to be putting God first and not a slave to alcohol. I realize me on the other hand tends to curse when im really upset. Something ive been working on but have not completely stopped. I also am a believer. I realize I have sin too that I cannot just “stop”. I realize I have a lot of pride. BUT what would you suggest since its a substance (alcohol) that’s really bothering me a lot. Thanks

    • peacefulwife
      February 4, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

      Shana,

      This is a tough situation!

      But – I can tell you this – the more you verbally try to pressure and force and nag him and berate him – the more he will rebel against you.

      I Peter 3:1-6 is your strongest and most powerful approach. Let God speak to Him. Your words about this will push him away from God and from you.

      check out

      “When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God”

      And this post about wives trying to be the Holy Spirit

      And “Why He Won’t Do What You Want Right Away When You Ask”

      And Nikka’s 3rd Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband

      Yes, he is sinning.

      So are you.

      You don’t control him. “Healthy Boundaries and Control”

      You only control you – and right now – your life is full of so much sin that you really don’t have much time to be telling your husband what to do. Check out Matthew 7:1-5. You have a plank in your own eye that needs to be dealt with.

      How can you responding in sin and the power of your sinful nature bring your husband to God?

      You are commanded by God to be full of His Spirit – and the evidence of that is found in Galatians 5:22-23 love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.

      The more you try to force your husband to do what you want him to do, he will focus on YOUR sin of disrespecting him, nagging him and trying to control him and he will do the opposite. Men HATE to be told what to do. This approach will NEVER work. He will shut you out of his heart. What you are doing is obviously not working, and yet, you keep doing it.

      It’s easy for us to look at our husbands’ sin and justify our own sin, “well, he did X, so he deserves my contempt, pride, self-righteousness, bitterness, resentment, hatred and unforgiveness.”

      God NEVER allows us to get away with sin. We are never excused for our sin. We will stand accountable to Him for our sin. I pray you will repent of your disrespect and your trusting self instead of trusting God – which is idolatry. It is possible that your husband’s sinless behavior may also be an idol for you, as well as trying to be in control.

      You don’t answer for him.

      You answer for yourself.

      As you stop the negativity, yelling, screaming, name-calling, disrespect, belittling and hatred, he will begin to be able to actually hear God’s voice again instead of yours all the time. You are drowning out God’s voice in your husband’s heart. And you are getting in God’s way and interfering with what He wants to do in your husband’s life.

      Then, as you begin to truly respect him, honor him, encourage him, affirm him and become the godly wife God commands you to be by the power of His Spirit working in you – your husband will hear God’s voice more and more powerfully.

      Stop trying to be God to your husband. You are not deity. I did that for 14 years. It doesn’t go anywhere good. It only destroys your husband, any faith he has and your marriage – plus all that sin grieves God’s Spirit and then you don’t have His power in your life.

      Today is the day to lay down your own mountain of sin and beg God for forgiveness and weep over your sin and begin to pray, “Lord, CHANGE ME!!!!!! Bless him. Change ME!”

      Much love!
      April

  25. Elle
    February 7, 2014 at 11:21 am #

    Wow! This site was a God-send for me and my family! After having another outrageous argument with my husband about how he felt that I did not respect him! I was at work crushed having what I now see as a “damsel in distress pity party” because I was so unloved and my husband was so cold and we might as well get d*v*rc*d(it’s a bad word). And finally I decided that I would try one more thing – I googled “what does it mean to honor your husband”. That was the Holy Spirit helping me save my soul as well as my marriage!

    The night before my husband was going through what has been our monthly “warfare ritual” where we had been doing okay for a few weeks then “it” finally boiled over into a heated argument. Within the last four months those rituals have included me a “Christian” woman cursing, kicking in the tv, writing emails saying “its over”, him saying “its over”,etc. He would seem so distant, cold, irritated and unconcerned with my feeling that I was starving for love in the marriage. After being married 10 years, we were constantly slamming into a brick wall and we were each feeling like we loved each other but we had to get out.

    I now see that everything was coming to a head because of that bad cycle (i forget the detail but the graphic is on the site) no love>women react>no respect> men react? That cycle began to spin like a tire on a Jaguar going 120 mph! The cycle had wound our hearts up for 10 years and now it was just spinning out of control.

    But thank God, we were fighting for the marriage. My husband was attempting to talk some sense into me and my self righteousness and arrogance had me on this ( i hate to admit it but) truly demonic throne where I would decipher each word from his heart and turn it into either an accussation against his character, a charge of hatefulness against me or some form of neglect in meeting my needs.

    In just two short hours or so after reading through this blog our marriage has been saved! I am convinced of it. I went into his email and archived the hateful, damning email that I sent to him earlier before he read it and then I sent him a brief email apologizing and telling him how I really knew that he was an awesome husband and Christian man and I just didn’t get what his need was and now I do. I shared a link to one of the posts here for him to give me his thoughts if he wanted to.

    When I saw him that day it was like a heavy boulder was lifted off of him and he was elated. We didn’t have to go through our usual 5 days of ignoring eachother and whatever. We just instantly became best friends again!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I still have so much work to do and I am on a mission to get out of all of this sin! I thank God for your site and the many marriages that this will help! We need this Good News in our world today!

    • peacefulwife
      February 7, 2014 at 1:47 pm #

      Elle,

      Wow! You know how to make a girl’s day!!!!

      Thank you so much for sharing your story! What God is doing in you is beautiful!! I can’t wait to see all that he has in store,
      This is a long journey. It is like learning a new language. I am always glad to talk any time you want to hash through anything.

      I hope you might allow me the honor of sharing your story as a post. I believe it will inspire many wives! :)

      Much love! Praying for God’s greatest glory in your life and in your marriage!

      • Elle
        February 7, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

        If I made your day, I was only returning the favor. Definitely, please share the story because I hope that someone in my situation can be helped.

        Thanks for your prayers! It is always great to see us as Christians being that “full-flavored salt” in the Earth!

        May God Bless us all!

        • peacefulwife
          February 7, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

          Elle,

          With this beautiful trust you are showing and your humility and willingness to learn – I know that God is about to do some amazing things in your heart. :)

          Thanks so much for allowing me to share!

          With love,
          April

        • peacefulwife
          February 7, 2014 at 3:56 pm #

          Thanks, Elle! Please let me know how you are doing!!!! :) I’m always glad to encourage you, pray with you and point you to Christ in love. :)

          • Elle
            February 7, 2014 at 4:26 pm #

            I think that I should go ahead and update you again now. I have to say that I am so encouraged because it has not even been 48 hours and I am just bursting with joy because our marriage was diagnosed by us both as having a fatal disease and we saw it dying. There was no doubt that it was going to die.

            We were both scurrying around for a cure and after literally 10 years we were just ready to get on with the funeral and I even began talking to our 8 and 5 year old sons about the idea that mommy and daddy might live apart. He was always thinking about a separation. I know now he was just trying to find relief that might help him survive me in the marriage. But I saw him as truly hating to be around me. But we knew we loved each other. I know that I would pray and God would bring me relief and I had believed (asking God to help my unbelief) but I feel like He was taking me through a process of training through perserverance and experience and patience, then in God’s special way He led me to this blog and revealed the “dead men’s bones” that were in my soul to take me across the finish line when I could not deny my sin, deep, deep deception, pridefulness, hatefulness, ugghhhh!

            I have just been listening to your vlog on youtube as I work to help me really “get it”. When everything happened yesterday I just felt like I needed sackcloth and ashes – LOL! I really felt like I needed to put a bar of soap in my mouth and leave it there and take a vow of silence for a while.

            This is such a God send – as an example, I wanted him to contact a bill collector for me and we talked about it three days ago and he said well the bill collector already knows when we were going to pay on the account and I said “Look, are you going to call them or not!” and he did not say anything (God bless him).

            But today the bill collector left a message for me again and I sent a text and said ” ** called me again. It’s making me nervous. I can call after work. But if you would call I would feel better.”. Next thing I know, when we talked later he said I missed your call because I was on the phone with the bill collector. THANK YOU JESUS AND PEACEFUL WIFE!

            • peacefulwife
              February 7, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

              This is awesome!!!!! I am so excited for you BOTH!!!

  26. Yede
    February 19, 2014 at 8:23 am #

    Hello, I just searched your site because I felt really sad. I have been married for 5 years and since I got married to this amazing man, his family have been trying to rule my home. My husband loves his mother and listens to what she says. Unfortunately, she has her way of manipulating things to suit herself. she also wanted me to discuss everything about my home with her which I did not agree with. In spite of her behaviour and words which caused numerous fights in my home I still showed her respect. She continued her negative input. My husband does not show any respect for my parents or siblings but expect me to respect his. He made many derogatory remarks about my parents which to tell the truth, hurt me deeply till today. I have been emotionally abused and I feel sad. He also made it difficult for me to go about my professional career and every time I seemed to make a head way he is upset for no apparent reason and picks a fight from the most trivial things. It got the point that when I had a job interview, I had to look at my pre-marriage pictures to boost my self esteem and I made it through and got the job. There are so many things that I cannot write at the moment but when I think of them I weep.
    Now, he speaks to me like I am a slave. I usually try to be calm but then it gets to the point when I lose my temper and I ask if what he thinks he is doing is fair.

    My question now is how do I respect my husband despite all these. Thanks

    • peacefulwife
      February 19, 2014 at 8:09 pm #

      Yede,

      Oh goodness! My precious girl! I am so sorry that things are so very difficult. :(

      God’s design for marriage is that a husband is to “leave his father and mother and cleave (cling) to his wife” for exactly the reasons you are describing. It is a nightmare when parents are in the middle of the marriage.

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
      Do you have a godly mentoring wife or godly Christian counselor you can talk to?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      How has he abused you?

      Are you safe?

      I am not able to attempt to answer your question until I know a bit more about your situation.

      I have a post about things that are disrespectful to husbands at the top of my home page. You may want to read it and see if you may be doing anything that would come across disrespectfully to him? It seems that he is disrespecting you. Both husbands and wives need love and respect. I pray that God might heal your marriage and give you wisdom.

      I am glad to walk beside you on this road.
      Much love to you, my friend!

      • Yede
        February 20, 2014 at 6:14 am #

        Thank you. We are both practising christians. I didn’t talk to anyone because I did not want to feel like I was reporting him. My parents have been married for about 40years and he is from a polygamous setting where his mum was no 5 or 6. The abuse has been emotional. I think I am safe. I hope the responses have been helpful. Thank you

        • peacefulwife
          February 21, 2014 at 9:11 am #

          Yede,

          Please check out my post today

          And then, let’s talk about what steps you can take to move forward with Christ and becoming the woman God desires you to be, even in this difficult situation, and how you can experience the victory of Christ in your life and marriage.

          Sending you a huge hug, my precious sister!

  27. Cheryl Young
    February 22, 2014 at 2:35 pm #

    Your suggestions make it sound like a woman is only ever meant to serve a man and children. When is there ever a time for r women to be happy and enjoy things when all we ever do is cook clean and make sure men are happy?

    • peacefulwife
      February 23, 2014 at 6:18 am #

      Cheryl Young,

      Thanks for your comment! :)

      Our purpose in life is to bring glory to God. He wants us to become the godly women He commands us to be. These things are not possible by our own power. But as He regenerates us through the power of His Spirit, He is able to remove our sin and give us the ability to be godly women and to bless our husbands and children in incredible ways.

      The amazing thing is, it is only when we are filled with His Spirit that we can have true joy, contentment, fulfillment, peace, purpose, and abundant life. Doing things God’s way by His power doesn’t cause oppression, it brings freedom, weightlessness and incredible satisfaction. We crucify our old sinful nature and put on our new self in Christ.

      When Jesus is LORD of my life, I say, “Yes, Lord” to whatever He asks me to do – after all – He gave His life for me so that I could be made right with God through His innocent blood shed in my place.

      God commands wives to respect and honor their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33) – and He commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. My job is to take care of what He asks ME to do. I trust God to work in my husband’s heart.

      The kind of love God calls ALL believers to have for ALL people looks like this:

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8

      If we are controlled by our old sinful nature, we will act in the following ways in verses 19-21, but if God’s Spirit is in control, we will act in Godly ways in verses 22-33 no matter how other people treat us. This is ALL about our relationship with Christ, it has nothing to do with what our husbands do or do not do:

      The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

      22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

      As we become the women God calls us to be, our godly nature inspires our husbands and they (unless they are extremely spiritually/mentally/emotionally sick) will eventually usually respond by showing love in return. But even if they do not, we are to be obedient to God in every thought, word and action because we know we will stand before God and give an account to Him one day.

      How is your walk with Christ?

  28. Koren
    February 25, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

    HI,
    I am a disrespectful wife, but God is doing a work in my heart to learn how to respect my husband. Please pray for me! I was wondering though for advice on what you would/have done if you offended your husband by encouraging another male in front of him instead of my own husband. I know I have hurt him on a very deep emotional level, something I want to change about myself. I feel hopeless in making him feel better after offending him so deeply.

    Thank you,
    Koren

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2014 at 6:10 pm #

      Koren,
      It is great to meet you!!! I have many, many posts that I believe may help you as you learn on this journey. :) you can briefly apologize to your husband, without justifying or explaining yourself, and then you can make a point to build him up and praise him in front of others from now on. :)

  29. B
    March 6, 2014 at 11:46 pm #

    It’s so sad and disheartening that in the year 2014, there are still people who believe men have to be the head of the household. Jesus Christ should be the head of the household, not a man or woman. Husbands and wives should be equal. Marriage is about compromise, not about always being in control due to your physical anatomy.

    • peacefulwife
      March 7, 2014 at 8:39 am #

      B,

      Thanks for your comment. :)

      I Corinthians 11:3 describes God’s authority structure for families. You are exactly right that Christ is to be the head of the household, but then the husband and then the wife.

      It looks like this as far as authority structure:
      God > Christ > Husband > Wife

      That is scripture.

      And, you are also right that husbands and wives are absolutely of equal value before God. Galatians 3:28 makes that very clear
      There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And, men and women were created equally to be image bearers of God (Genesis 2 and 3).

      There is no difference in value or importance between husbands and wives any more than there is a difference in value or importance between Christ and God. Authority and biblical submission have nothing to do with value. Actually, submission and authority begins in the Godhead between God the Father and God the Son. Jesus submitted to God in all things – yet He is completely equal to God.

      Many people get confused about relationships where God institutes spiritual authority and think that means the one in authority is “greater” than those under them. That is not God’s concept of authority at all.

      I have a fantastic post about this. Spiritual Authority and “A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage” that should help clear up any confusion.

      God decides who has authority. He gives authority to whomever He deems is best. He has the right to do whatever He wants – He is God. His wisdom is infinitely higher than our own. He created men, women, families and marriage, and His design works.

      If you will please read Ephesians 5:22-33, you will see that husbands have much greater accountability and responsibility before God and are commanded to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. When husbands obey God and wives obey God – God is greatly glorified in marriages and marriages draw people to Christ. That is God’s primary purpose in marriage – to demonstrate a living picture of the relationship between Christ and the church through the way that a husband and wife relate to one another.

      I have no authority to tell people how to live their lives. But God and His Word DO have the authority to tell us how to live our lives. We are wise when we obey Him.

      Jesus says, “If anyone loves Me, he will obey Me… If anyone does not obey Me, then he does not love Me.” John 14:22,24

      Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

      25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

  30. Pat
    March 14, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

    Peaceful Wife,

    I read you blog with much interest.. as I type this I am so heartbroken and full of hurt…. my husband moved out from the home about a week ago and it’s unbearable. He always and continues to state that all he is looking for is some repsect from me and which he is correct.. Admitingly it is all so true, I have a very commanding and controlling personality, whilst my independence and ‘do it all yourself’ may be quite attractive even to my husband, because he is so passive and layed back it doesn’t go down too well most times. My demeanor borders over to being disrespectful alot of time. More importantly, we lived together in a home which I had before we got together, we had a heated argument and I told him to ‘pack his things and go’, I was very upset and didn’t mean it at all but it’s not the first time that I’ve said it and oh boy how I wish I didn’t. It was the last straw for him…. he is a rastafarian and with their beliefs, which I highly respect, that is a big no no to say to your husband and more so I had no right to say it. We are married, we share a home, why is it that I feel I should use the ‘house’ as a control factor because ‘I own it’. At this point, he wants the marriage to work but is infactic that he will not come back to the house to live. The house is mortgage, we have 3 kids, we would need atleast a 3/4 bedroom home, even if I did I can’t sell the house overnight. At the same time, I am looking at various options to resolve this, I am giving him some time to reconnect with his feelings and I am seeking counselling to deal with my issues; I’ve been told not just by my husband that I’m not the easiest to get along with, I’m very moody and rest goes without saying…. I want to fix that about me and be wholesome for myself, my kids and my husband. I love my hisband and desparately want it to work. Last but not least, I am also looking to God for guidance. Needless to say, I am besides myself…. any advice especially on the living arrangements would be appreciated. Help!!!

    • peacefulwife
      March 14, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

      Pat,

      It is great to meet you! I am SO SORRY for the pain you and your husband are experiencing in your marriage. I can obviously relate to your personality, disrespect and control.

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you and a HUGE hug!!!!

  31. kwana
    April 20, 2014 at 10:18 pm #

    I am married and my husband doesnt show me affection any more. He constantly. Shows me. My wrongs and tells me i need to be a better woman of God. If i dont agree. With him he gets upset. And wont talk to me for a week and then use God for his doing so. God told jom mot to talk to me. How can i submitt to him when he does not love me as Christ. Loves the Church. I do wrong he says well if you dont follow your husband i am disobeying Gods word, how is that? I praise God all day and he keeps me reliving my pass. How can i honor a man like this. I dont matter it seems, he talks more to his. Sisters in Christ than he does me when we are having an argument. Where is God on that how can i be wrong in not following. Him a man who say he love God

    • peacefulwife
      April 21, 2014 at 6:08 am #

      Kwana,
      It makes me so sad to hear husbands try to force their wives to “submit” to them and showing conditional love in the name of “God.” :(

      I would love for you to be able to seek godly counsel – a godly mentoring wife – or even the pastor, if possible, if he is a godly, trustworthy man.

      In the meantime, if a husband is disobedient to the Word of God – I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s command for us. You are only responsible for your life to be pleasing and honoring to Christ. You are responsible for your sin and your motives. You are accountable to God for you. Your husband is accountable to God for himself. God is able to bring conviction to your husband – but, you may have to try to get out of God’s way in order for that to happen – I hope that makes sense.

      What do you do when he acts like this? What do you say?

      Has he always been this way?

      Does he have any mental illness, history of abuse, infidelity or addictions?

      Praying for God’s power and wisdom for you!

  32. CaraHendry
    April 28, 2014 at 1:27 pm #

    I to can admit that I can be very disrespectful to my husband even when I don’t even know it.

    I guess I can say that growing up my mother was always the independent one in the family, I don’t blame her since my father was very jealous and abusive husband towards her when we were young and I guess my mother must have lost all respect for him who wouldn’t.

    I know I can’t blame the past for my current actions because we have been given the freedom of choice to do what is right. I get caught up in the world I tend to forget what is right. I love my spouse, he is the most hard working loving husband and father who makes me smile everyday. He works to support us, he’s always trying his best to do better for our family, he always wants to please me because I see it in his eyes when he sees how happy I am because of him, he is one amazing man I am so blessed to have him.

    It’s just me, I have tried countless times to hold my self back and let him lead but I am one of those people who is very controlled, very stubborn and likes and do things a certain way and when he over steps that I go ballistic. I’ve stopped saying ”I will try and change I promise” because I know he doesn’t believe it and neither do I.

    I think if I change, my husband will get the love and appreciation he deserves.

    • peacefulwife
      April 28, 2014 at 2:30 pm #

      Cara,
      The only way I know to change this is to completely submit to Christ and to live in His power. :) How is your walk with Christ going?

      I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you. :)

  33. Emma
    May 11, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

    I agree but disagree with this article at the same time. I will respect my husband, but if he doesn’t respect me, how can I respect him. It’s just more difficult when you’re with a more stubborn husband.

    In my past situation, I had a husband who wanted me to respect and obey him and he will love me. Not bad, right? I don’t appreciate being commanded to have dinner ready right when he comes home from work when I have a job myself and I’m tired myself. He’s not a child and you’re right, I’m not his mother. If he’s hungry, and I’m completely worn out, he’s capable of making himself some food. I’m sure husbands can survive by doing that. Not to mention, he has an easier more low pay job than I do. I’m more exhausted being a Physical Therapist than he is sitting at a desk all day. I really did appreciate all he does and I did thank him, he should do the same.

    In the Church:
    Not really sure if this is supposed to be for humor, but if his singing is bad, of course I’m gonna laugh at him. Marriage isn’t fun without a few teasing now and then. My singing is horrible too and I would laugh right with him about our horrible singing. If I have a question and I feel like asking the sermon first, I will. Yes, I don’t mind praising him (and every one else in my family) for going to church. That’s expected.

    At home:
    If he isn’t getting his part done, I need to let him know that even if it means nagging him a bit. As for the income in our family, I’m the breadwinner (no I don’t even shove that fact in his face to hurt his “manly” self-esteem) and if I need something done with the house, I will bring it to his attention and if he doesn’t like it, I will try to compromise. But of course, if I really see his decision conflicting with mine. I’m getting it since it will most likely be with my money. I’ll massage his shoulders, I touch people and help them with their injuries all the time. I just hoped that he had the decency in him to do something nice back once in awhile.

    Vacation:
    My husband is too stubborn to even admit he’s lost. Sorry, but if he’s lost, I’m going to say “Sweetie, you’re lost because blablablabla.” And I would probably even have to drive myself. He was that clueless. If there’s commotion, yeah, I’ll do what I can to keep commotion down, but he better try himself. I’m not his maid or servant. I’m his loving wife who is an equal like Christ intended it to be. Aas for blackmailing, there shouldn’t be any blackmailing in marriage period. Unless it’s through a bet or it’s fun play, it might happen om both ends if its all loving lol.

    As for the rest, you’re basically adding a few nonsense that the bible never asked for. I will respect my husband, if he doesn’t equally respect me, we have issues. This blog sounds like you’re asking me to bend over backwards for my husband. “Do this but OH, if he doesn’t want it like that, then don’t do it.”, “Treat him like he’s God himself.”

    My husband also always wanted me to submit myself to him in bed. I always tried to keep him satisfied, but if I’m tired, I’m tired. He needs to respect my wishes and deal with it. Now I’m making it sound as if I’m a total disrespectful wife. I’m not. I was very respectful and I was very loving/cuddly. He married me for my bubbly personality and love for Christ. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna quit my job and stay home making sandwiches for him, looking like a barbie doll when he comes home, and submissively having sex with him whenever he wants all the while praising him for simple tasks. After all, I’m not his mother who prepares him after school snacks and always needs to hear “Good job, honey! You got an A AND stayed out of trouble! Do you want milk with those cookies?”

    I want my husband to be a faithful leader. One who leads through Christ’s teachings. If he says “Honey, why don’t we take a break and pray right now/go to church.” I will be more than happy to listen to him! I love Christ and if my husband wants to lead me to walk the path of Christ, I will do that.

    Sorry if this sounded like a rant, I just think some of these points are unnecessary and have nothing to do with the bible. Most of what I see are fantasies men usually have and use the bible to back them up. The bible never once said “Wives, make sure you text them playful messages and take lots of pictures, but oh! Don’t take any if he doesn’t want it”

    Just saying. I want a Godly man I can walk side by side with and give and get respect to and from him. I don’t need another master. God is my master. I’m not my husband’s dog.

    Thanks

    • peacefulwife
      May 11, 2014 at 3:44 pm #

      Emma,

      It is great to meet you!

      I like it when people know what they think and can express it clearly.

      So, would you please tell me:
      – how is your walk with Christ going?
      – are you experiencing His peace, joy, patience, gentleness, self-control, etc?
      – do you feel anxious, afraid, lonely or worried often?
      – how is your marriage going now? What do you wish would improve?

      With love,
      April

    • peacefulwife
      May 12, 2014 at 6:49 am #

      Emma,

      There are many things husbands can and “should” do for their wives. I don’t address husbands here, only wives and what we can do.

      Interestingly, a lot of things that would really speak “love” to wives are not mentioned in the Bible, either. God never commands husbands to lead their wives in prayer. He never commands husbands to help with changing diapers, washing the dishes, cleaning the house, gassing up the car, keeping the yard looking nice, listening to their wives’ hearts and emotionally connecting. Yet, many wives would feel very loved if their husbands did these things, and very unloved if their husbands neglected to do these kinds of things.

      The input I had on this list was from husbands and what some husbands felt would show honor and respect. There is also a list about what husbands find to be disrespectful, of course, some of this is an individual thing, but some of the items on the list feel disrespectful across the board to all husbands.

      It is actually possible to communicate with our husbands and ask for what we need, want and desire and to share our feelings without nagging, complaining, criticizing, belittling, humiliating, making fun of, scolding, lecturing, demanding, arguing and/or being negative.

      In fact, God does command all believers not do to many of these kinds of things with anyone.

      Phil. 2:14-16 – do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may shine like the stars in the universe as you hold forth the Word of Life.

      I Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails

      Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

      Our culture got rid of the concept of respect for husbands, GOd-given authorities and men in general decades ago. What we do now – what is normal – is we disrespect our men.

      If wives want their husbands to be godly leaders, the way to encourage that is for wives to learn what speaks respect to our husbands and to treat them with honor and to step down and allow our men to lead. Even husbands who are far from God respond most powerfully to respect, not to us preaching, nagging, lecturing and demanding our way (I Peter 3:1-6). Wives do need respect and honor, too. I Peter 3:7 instructs husbands to treat their wives with honor as the weaker vessel and not to be harsh with them because they are coheirs with them in Christ.

      The issue of respecting our husbands is truly a heart issue. It reveals our character. My level of respect for Greg has nothing really to do with him, and everything to do with my relationship with Christ. If I don’t reverence and submit myself to Christ first, then I will not respect or honor my husband as leader and will disrespect him and take over myself because I trust SELF not God and not my husband. If I reverence and submit myself to Christ, it is my greatest joy to obey Him, His Spirit fills me and empowers me to be the woman He desires me to be. Then, instead of using my words to cut, emasculate, humiliate, embarrass, destroy and wound I will use my words to affirm, inspire, encourage and bless my husband – and everyone else.

      Each husband has his own list of what is respectful to him. This is just a list of ideas to get women thinking. You are welcome to share the list with your husband and ask him to check the ones that would be meaningful to him.

      I would also recommend that you read “Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected.” and “A Wake Up Call for Wives.”

      And, “A Husband Answers – ‘Why Won’t My Husband Lead’?”

      May God richly bless your walk with Christ. And may your marriage bring great glory and honor to God.

  34. Pam
    May 24, 2014 at 10:28 pm #

    The Bible tells us God’s way of doing life and of loving. God’s way is just not our way! A shocker when you first realize this, but true.
    I absolutely hated the idea of submission but once I began to be willing to step out and just obey, I have truly been blessed.
    Neither my husband nor I am perfect. We both stumble a lot. But God’s grace is at work in each of us and I totally know that the one way to insure a close relationship with a spouse is to work on having a close relationship with God. In the Psalms it tells us that we should “Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.” True.

  35. Kimberly
    June 22, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

    I have been married almost two years and my husband says i never respect him. I need help in this area, i know that i have hurt him but i feel like he disrespects me all the time and it is hard for me not to be just as disrespectful as he is to me. What do i do to show this man that i love and respect him. Please help me i need advice!

    • peacefulwife
      June 23, 2014 at 6:48 am #

      Kimberly,

      If you are a believer in Christ, you can decide to learn to honor your husband and treat him with respect even if you don’t believe he is treating you with respect. Usually, as he sees your genuine respect, he will eventually begin to be much more respectful to you, as well. But, you can determine to do this just to obey Christ and honor Him and please Him regardless of your husband’s response. You can search “respect” on my home page. You can also check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission.

      You may want to search my home page for these topics as well:

      – discontentment
      – contentment
      – stages of this journey
      – respect dare
      – idolatry
      – idol
      – husband lead

      This may get you started.

      Much love!

  36. lostsheeptryingtogethome
    July 2, 2014 at 3:11 am #

    Hi April and other christians reading this,
    I am quite new to this whole respect thing. I have been trying to use the example that you are setting here for about a month now. God is using you to teach me how to see with a new pair of eyes, except i am soooo set in my ways that so far, I keep making the same mistakes again and again and upsetting my dear man. I want to be better at praying, but I grew up praying in more of a routine way than a communicative way.I am trying to learn to hear God but I am soooo fast to give up. I think it would be awesome if I could get closer to God and hear his voice. The ‘demons’ post spoke to me as that is how I have always felt, like every time I am closer to God the demon starts trying to steer me off the Godpath and over the cliff, or drowning out God’s voice with incessant shouts.

    Because of a reason too personal to post here( I am afraid it might identify me and i need to remain anonymous for now) that basically is to do with war nearly destroying my partner’s family,financial issues,culture clashes and some serious things that I can’t mention, my partner and I are living in sin.(not sex but we live together) I know that to be married is God’s will and we have every intention of doing that when we can(hopefully in a year to a year and a half). I feel ashamed to call myself a christian because I am not good enough with this behaviour, so I just tell people I believe in God and Jesus but I don’t have a religion.This is because I am not fit to represent Jesus with such behaviour. The thing is,I just really want to get on with living a christian life, starting with my partner becoming my husband, and all of our family members accepting it the best that they can. I spoke to my brother, who is a devout christian and knows my situation. He said that all that I can really do is do the best that I can and ask God for grace over the whole situation and to work in our lives to bring us closer to him. I am trying to do the right thing but I don’t know how. I read your blog and am applying your principals to my relationship. Please pray for us, we love each other so much but obviously God can’t bless sin. I just hope and pray that we can get married soon and end this guilt life.

    I know you are having an internet break, I am just posting my feelings while I can express them. If there is anyone else out there reading this, please can you pray for us.

    Love and Peace and Blessings,

    From Me x

    • Tabitha
      July 3, 2014 at 4:20 am #

      Dear Mex, praying for you.
      I do nt know if a happy story helps.
      You write that you are trying to hear God.
      I just finished a book April advised called the normal christian live by Watchman Nee. You can even find it in the internet and read it online.
      It really helped me. I have struggled with issues of anger, lust and pride, fell in sin over and over again.
      The thing is that what he writes in basic I know, I believed but I could not control my anger. But from the letter to romans he so clearly explains Gods grace for sin and how to let go and let God that is has turned me uppsidedown.
      It took me two weeks to read it and get it. First I was skeptical but the message just right out took hold of me.
      I am often negative, hate live and have a hard time doing what needs to be done. My negativity hurt me my husband and God. Fall of 2012 I found this blog, stayed with it read and was convinced April was right. But how to do it myselve elluded me.
      I kept falling in sin, repented and tried again.
      This morning I woke early, decided not to go to sleep again but spend time with the Lord. Just followed a sermon from David Platt about prayer and decided to try the routine he advised
      The miracle is, I did not only woke early I was also happy and excited for a new day, just to see and learn what Jesus would teach me today. Since I started reading Nees book I started waking happy instead of loathing the new day..
      Today I did not only wake happy I woke excited. I started praising the Lord and I am so filled with joy and gratefullness I just sit here crying by myselve.
      I really could start the day without the drenched feeling could just do what needs to be done without anger and resentment. Why?
      Jesus blood covers my sin, yes and when I repent I ask and am given his forgiveness.
      More so I died, my old self died with christ I knew that in theory, but I did not trust it, how could God forgive this angry me.
      From Nee i learned how sure this is. How certain the gift of his spirit. I stopped doubting and simply believed it.
      The difference is night and day. It filles me with awe. What an awesome God we have.
      For I am forgiven, he has cut me from my evil root. Sure it does take time for me to grow into the vine, in christ. Still lingering on the old toxic fluids. The first week reading the book I stumbled in two rages, but my thoughts where not see how I failed but yes surely I can not do this but christ in me can. From fearful and doubting I found confidence.
      Wow, not I can do this but Christ in me can. For Jesus lives in me. For having died with Jesus I have been raised with Jesus, not longer dead but alive from the dead.
      It is true it is sure and it changes my live and my relation with christ, for I can do nothing by myselve but christ can do all for me. I was 13 when I accepted christ now I am 53, for 40 years I wandered the desert of my soul and I am free today.
      Read romans, read Nees book and above all trust in God.
      Bless you my sister in christ

    • Tabitha
      July 3, 2014 at 5:04 am #

      Mex,
      Something else you write you think you live in sin because you live together not married. The question is when are you married my husband and I married before God by promising to stay together and ask Gods blessing over our live. Later we married public with family and a minister. I believe that from the day of our vow and prayer we were married before God. I agree that it is better to get married in public but God does know your heart and intention. And an honost vow kept is true and even honored by God. with or without family and pastor or priest.
      For it is not the priest that marries you nor the aproval and sanctioning of your family but it is your vow before God and the coming together and become one of your body.
      Although now I see that my motives at the time where wrong and if possible I would advice to marry proper I also consider my mariage to have started with our vow. But this is how I see it search for yourselve the bible on this though
      be blessed

      • Tabitha
        July 3, 2014 at 5:26 am #

        Although catholic lutheran and probably orthodox churches will judge differently for there it is seen as a sacrament and thus a priest is needed to give the blessing.
        Trust in Gods grace sounds like good advice to me.

    • peacefulwife
      July 24, 2014 at 7:46 am #

      lostsheep,

      It took me 2.5 years and about 30 marriage books and hundreds of hours of prayer before I began to feel like I had any clue what it meant to be respectful and what was disrespectful. And I am still learning!

      If you really want to follow Christ, I know He can provide a way for you to walk in obedience. I pray you might fully submit yourself to His will and ask Him to help you live out the life He desires you to live, even if it means your current living arrangements need to change.

      Praying for you!!!

      Much love!
      April

    • peacefulwife
      July 24, 2014 at 7:50 am #

      lostsheep,

      PS, I would highly recommend reading The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee and Radical by David Platt. You can also listen to David Platt’s sermons on Youtube or at his site http://www.radical.net. Listen to all you can! And seek God with all your heart. He is the Greatest Treasure in the universe.

      Sending you a huge hug!

      Much love,
      April

  37. lostsheeptryingtogethome
    July 3, 2014 at 5:29 am #

    Hi Tabitha,
    Those are comforting words. Thank you for your support. I think I need to do a lot more praying. It is really nice to have your reply,I really appreciate it :)

    • Tabitha
      July 4, 2014 at 5:11 pm #

      Mex,
      Glad I could offer support, I have been given such blessing through this blog that I just want to pass on what I can and hope it will give blessing. I will pray for you for prayer is strong. I I am still learning myselve how to be respectfull and submisive in a good way. Ther are many posts here you can read that will help and from April and the other women here I learned it takes time, when I started I wanted to do it right at once, that is not possible. Have faith for you are not alone and the Lord lives in you. When you fail just repent and ask the Lord. I say now I cannot do this Lord but you can and than I trust he will.
      It is so new to me and yet strong. I am amazed and blessed by it. I was always afraid when I failed did not dare to say to the Lord I will change for I could not. Now there is trust. It is a new feeling and it is beautiful

  38. Jennifer
    July 4, 2014 at 10:08 am #

    Hello. I’m a bit in a bind. I’m engaged and learning to respect my fiance. It’s been a good feeling because I feel like I’m not only showing him the respect he deserves, but also the love. However, he doesn’t seem to get it and show appreciation for me doing little things for him. I know I should continue in what I’m doing, and I do, but it’s sort of sad when I try and do cute things for him and it’s like it doesn’t matter. I just don’t think those things are important to him: he’s a straightforward guy and cutesy nuance probably doesn’t register with him, but that playfulness is important to me. I’m silly and enjoy making him laugh and brightening his day with my personality. I feel a sense of rejection when he doesn’t respond to it.

    I’m confused as to what to do. I can stop to preserve my feelings, but then I won’t be expressing myself in a way I enjoy and comes naturally to me.

    • Tabitha
      July 6, 2014 at 3:50 am #

      Jennifer, your comment made me remember how many years ago I wanted so desparate that my husband would cuddle more and give me a hug but asking did not work for if it was not spontaneous it felt like acting. I decided based on the bible to do unto others as you would like others to do to you. So every time I longed for a hug I just huged him. Well that did not make him more of a hugging person but I did get the hugs I wanted and over the years it became natural to hug more often also for him. I think it is beautiful if you show him your natural way to express yourselve. He did fall in love with you as you are and from what I understand guys do not seek to change their girls. You will not know how he feels if he does not react. It could be he does not know how to or he just takes it for granted as being you. But I think the best thing to do is just be you. Often in my live I was concerned wether I irritaded my husband but would find out later he was worried or concerned about things not att all related to me. I had to learn to stop asking him so often what are you thinking and simply accept that he does not always want to speak his mind. I decided that if he would not tell me I did not need to know. And if it was of concern he would let me know.

    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 8:38 pm #

      Jennifer,

      Hello, my friend!

      If the reason you are doing these things is to feel appreciated by him, and he doesn’t show appreciation – maybe they are not things you need to do?

      If you can do them to bless him, regardless of his response, and he likes you to do those things – keep doing them. But don’t expect him to have the same reactions and desires and needs as you have. And don’t do things for him to get something from him. That is love with strings attached, which is actually manipulation, not love.

      Please search my home page for:

      – expectations

      Much love!

  39. Yasmine Zazi
    July 15, 2014 at 1:37 am #

    OMG! I love this list!!♡

  40. Niq
    July 23, 2014 at 7:39 pm #

    im married, and I know not all women do what these suggestions say. If you ask me, being a christian woman…not much men do for women to deserve to be bowed down to. God definitley didn’t create me to be taken for granted, disrespected, cheated on, abused, lied to. Women sacrifice their diginity and respect in a marriage because why? because we’re said to be the “weaker vessel”. The bible also speaks of a man to love his wife like Jesus loves the church (or people), and also that if he mistreats a wife, that submits as he continues to do as he wishes, that his prayers aren’t answered.1 Peter 3:7-8. So this long list is humiliating and weak…alot are important, but what about selfish men…even when a wife like myself approaches from all angles. Men have the nature to be more selfish and stubborn…what is the “Long list” of demands that a real christian man should portray? it seems like you’re the kind of wife that has the perfect husband, because even some christian men would love to step on women like this because they dont have to work to earn anything. At least a man appreciates a chase..even if it is his wife. A woman that does for a man and gives her all and he doesnt back…that’s foolish and demeaning. So even you, if your husband cheated, lied, watched porn, lusted for other women right in front of you…and you say stay peaceful without getting angry, thats fantasy. “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath (Ephesian 4:26). I know for sure that you will not be so peaceful when you feel hurt, betrayal, and insecurity. I know you will not in real time just smile and be at peace. Of course forgive and move on, but please, I dont believe this idea of a perfect woman…not all women meet these standard men create in their mind. I believe thats why the nature of never being satisfied come in to play. I’ve seen women and have been that nice woman to speak her mind…that man will do as he pleases whether you pray until you’re blue in the face on God can change. All the catering in the world will not make a man change. Im all about doing the right thing, sacrifice, seeking God, selflessness…but all of that means nothing if that man doesnt do that in return. Only God can change a man and only that man has to want to change to make a marriage work…it takes two.

    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 7:53 pm #

      Niq,

      Men don’t deserve to be bowed down to. I totally agree. Only God deserves our worship. Only Christ is LORD.

      We don’t respect our husbands because they deserve it. We respect them because Christ commands it and we desire to obey Him and please Him in everything.

      Men are not off the hook. They are accountable to God for their obedience to His Word just like we are. I only write for women, so I don’t talk about what men “should do.” But their list is longer than ours of things that they can and should do to show love to their wives in a Christlike way.

      God’s design is for our marriages to display the mysterious intimacy between Christ and His church.

      God doesn’t want ANY women (or men) to be abused, taken for granted, sinned against, disrespected, cheated on, abused or lied to. God HATES sin. All sin. All of those things are sin. The wages of sin is death. God will repay any husband or wife who sins against his/her spouse (or anyone else). They will earn eternal damnation – unless they receive the gift of LIFE that Christ offers to all of us so freely and generously!

      This is not a long list of demands from Christian husbands. This is a way that wives can learn to honor and bless their men in ways that please God if our motives are pure – to love God with all our hearts and to love our husbands with the love of God.

      If women are in abusive situations, or a husband is living in unrepentant infidelity, there is physical abuse, there are uncontrolled mental health disorders or severe issues – wives need to see godly, biblical, experienced, wise counsel as well as continuing to seek God with all their hearts. I have seen God heal hundreds of marriages in the past 2 years here. God is able to heal marriages and people. WE can’t. But God can. Even some really awful situations – our God is able to heal.

      My husband is a sinner, just like I am. No human is perfect.

      My husband never told me to respect him. God showed me my disrespect – you can read on my “About” page. And my husband was unable to articulate to me what was disrespectful and respectful – so it took me a REALLY long time to try to figure this stuff out on my own. My prayer is that this list might bless wives who don’t know what it means to respect their husbands and who desire to learn in order to obey Christ and bless their marriages and husbands.

      Decent men don’t respond to respect by abusing their wives. They respond to a wife’s genuine trust, faith and respect with love, protection and service.

      If my husband sinned against me – I would confront him. But I don’t have to cuss him out and scream and throw things. My respect for him is not about him at all – it is about the character of Christ in me. Did Jesus get angry at times, yes! Would I be angry if my husband sinned against me like that? Yes. But God commands us as believers to repay evil with good – not to repay evil with evil. Romans 12:9-21. There are times a wife may need to separate from her husband if he refuses to repent and is involved in drugs, infidelity, physical abuse, alcoholism, etc…

      This is not about being perfect. I don’t know what your relationship with Christ or marriage is like. But this is about being filled with God’s Spirit and seeking contentment in Christ alone.

      I’m really sad for you about your life experiences that have hurt you so very deeply. True, if a man refuses to turn to Christ, a wife cannot make him change. BUT – when a wife obeys God, it makes it easier for her husband to be drawn to God and to hear God when his wife isn’t getting in God’s way all the time. Just like when a wife is far from God, if her husband obeys God, his unconditional love and godliness and selflessness can influence her to move toward Christ and himself.

      Much love to you! I pray for God’s greatest glory in your walk with Christ and in your marriage.

  41. Mark
    August 1, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

    I’m a new husband – 1 year now. Pretty much every week there’s a point whereby I’m wondering why I stay in the marriage. Usually my answer is that I can’t find a better alternative, which seems terribly negative focused to me. It’s not the way I want to think of my marriage.

    To throw into the mix it’s a cross cultural one and a very dramatic cross cultural one – I think it would be challenging to find a more diverse set of backgrounds and upbringings.

    Although my wife is a lovely, kind and caring woman there are times when I feel completely disrespected. She’s the only person I’ve come across that talks and acts towards me in this disrespecting way.

    And so here I am trying to learn about respect from both sides of the river of love.

    Thanks for the comments and I particularly liked (and rofl’d at) “Let him pack the car.. it’s a manly thing..” Completely absurd when you look at it (I’m not so concerned with being manly), however true!

    • peacefulwife
      August 1, 2014 at 9:06 pm #

      Mark,

      Things are difficult and challenging enough when a couple come from the same culture. But they definitely can get a lot more frustrating and challenging when the two cultures are very different. I hope that you might know that most wives don’t realize they are being disrespectful, or how they come across and that what they do hurts their husbands. And if they are trying to hurt their husbands, they generally do NOT HAVE ANY IDEA how deeply the disrespectful things hurt them.

      Most women that I have worked with (and it has been thousands now, I guess!) – DO NOT GET what respect means to their husbands at first. And they don’t know what is disrespectful, or they don’t understand how big of a deal it is. What seems like such a little thing to a woman, “asking ‘why would you…?'” can feel very disrespectful to her husband.

      I know that it took me 2.5 YEARS of studying over 30 books on godly marriage and hours of prayer and study a day before I BEGAN to have a clue how to stop disrespect and how to communicate respect to my husband. I know that sounds crazy. But he had a perspective I had never encountered or understood. I thought he thought just like me. I thought he needed love just like me. I thought I was the best Christian wife ever – until I read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I would highly recommend that as a great place to start. It is very evenhanded and fair about how wives need love and husbands need respect. That was such a shock to me 14.5 years into our marriage. Another resource I would highly recommend is Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only for your wife and you can read For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn. Maybe you could suggest reading them together? Most wives LOVE reading marriage books. And most husbands love these books, too.

      Praying for wisdom for you both and for God’s greatest glory in your marriage! You are welcome here. Many husbands read this blog and use it to “reverse engineer” and understand their wives better and to see where a lot of the problems and misunderstandings begin.

      • Mark
        August 1, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

        Thanks so much for your lovely wishes and feedback :)

      • Mark
        August 1, 2014 at 11:46 pm #

        I had an afterthought. By implication your story communicates to me that your husband found a way to cope with the “lack of” respect for a long time. Perhaps he has some insight to help ride the bumps?

        • peacefulwife
          August 2, 2014 at 6:36 am #

          Mark,

          My husband has a blog, too! http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. Unfortunately, the way he tried to deal with my disrespect was that he became increasingly passive and unplugged. He didn’t ever confront me about my sins. He never told me I had hurt him. So all those 14+ years, I just assumed he was unloving and that God needed to change him. :( I had no idea that I had any part in the issues in our marriage. I actually wish he had told me that I was being disrespectful, prideful and self-righteous. I would not have wanted to hear those things. But not confronting me with the truth in love only gave me a free pass for all of my sin and I got worse and worse. And he withdrew more and more.

          He doesn’t advocate that approach now. He does have a number of posts about things from a husband’s perspective that may be helpful, particularly for men who tend to be more shut down when they are feeling disrespected.

          For a perspective from a husband who had a stronger and more direct personality, and how he decided to approach his wife when she was being disrespectful, check out http://www.amanhiswifethebible.wordpress.com. Their marriage is very strong now. But it was a rough 10 years or so.

          • peacefulwife
            August 2, 2014 at 7:12 am #

            Mark,

            There is a post on my husband’s sight from Feb 2013, I believe, a man’s story about how he prayed for God to speak to his wife about specific things – her disrespect, her lack of submission. It gives me chills! God answered his prayers and transformed his marriage. Very inspiring!

          • Mark
            August 2, 2014 at 7:15 am #

            This stuff is gold. Can’t thank you enough. :*

            • peacefulwife
              August 2, 2014 at 8:09 am #

              Mark,
              You are most welcome.

              I personally suggest to share these things with your wife softly, gently and from the perspective of it “hurting” you and causing you “pain.” Preferably with you holding her tenderly and reassuring her of your love for her and that you aren’t going anywhere, but want to work on this together. In fact, I would love to see husbands approach a conversation like this only after much prayer and great sensitivity to God’s Spirit. Women, even most disrespectful women, LOVE their husbands. We don’t want to hurt our husbands. We want to fix it if we are hurting them. But a lot of women will not relate to the words “respect” and “disrespect.” Respect was thrown out of our culture decades ago, and most of us do not understand that language or even realize that it exists. It takes a LONG time for a woman, even a Christian woman, to figure out how to speak that masculine language and how to meet our husbands’ deepest masculine needs. It will require MUCH grace, mercy and forgiveness on a husband’s part as a wife tries to learn. She will stumble. Often. Especially at first.

              Also, whether a wife can hear her husband or not about her sin depends on where she is spiritually and whether she can hear God’s voice. You can share your heart and pain. You can expose her sin. But only God can truly open her eyes to the enormity of her sin and bring her to real conviction and repentance. This may take time. She will have to battle the culture’s lies, the messages of feminism that she has been marinating in all her life, the messages of the church that support a wife’s pride/disrespect and self-righteousness, the enemy of our souls, her habits, any messed up messages she received about femininity/masculinity/marriage as she was growing up in her family of origin, the ungodly examples she has seen, the lack of godly examples in her life and her own sinful nature.

              It is a battle.

              Praying for you both! I’m here if she would like to talk with me. :)

              • Mark
                August 10, 2014 at 6:06 am #

                Really, I’m quite humbled by your lengthy and time consuming responses (to write). I completely agree with all that you’ve said albeit I couldn’t have said it so eloquently. I’ll pass on your offer.

                • peacefulwife
                  August 10, 2014 at 7:16 am #

                  Mark,
                  That is totally fine. :) You’re most welcome.

  42. Kisscase
    August 9, 2014 at 4:47 am #

    Love you, love your peacefulsinglegirl blog too. Thank you for everything you’re doing, God bless you

    • peacefulwife
      August 9, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

      Kisscase,
      You are most welcome! :) Thanks for the encouragement!

  43. Hanife
    August 11, 2014 at 2:11 am #

    Hello April,

    I am Mark’s wife. I am a Turkish woman and My English isn’t enough for explaining my feelings. Also, it is not enough sometimes for my husband.

    First of all, I want to thank you about my description to Mark. I agree with you totally, many times I don’t understand my behaviors about disrespect to my husband. When he told me generally I think in my mind he gave me over reaction, after for a while when I think about that he told me about my attitudes then I agreed with him.

    In the beginning I didn’t understand anything. I thought that I look after him, I love him so much and show my love. After his lots of efforts, now I start to understand something and as you said putting in my life suddenly that it is not easy. And I told him that it will take time understanding and being a respectful person as he wants to live.

    Still my mind is confused many thinks and as already I told him that I lost my confidence about my attitudes to him. I am a scared wife now, all the time I need to check which attitudes are right or wrong. Because of that I abstain every time when I want to go somewhere or say something I abstain that how I can ask, tell or do.

    But I always pray to Allah for being a good person, doing a right thing.

    And thank you so much to you…! You are an amazing personality. Insallah, Allah saves you and your family and everything that you want for you.

    Love and big hug..:)

    Hanife

    • peacefulwife
      August 11, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

      Hanife,

      It is confusing when we think we are being such wonderful, loving wives, to realize that our husbands are missing respect from us. I had NO idea what respect really even meant when God showed me my sin 5.5 years ago.

      It is a long journey to learn these things.

      I love your devotion to Allah and your love for Him. I pray that you might find Christ – (He is God, who came to earth as a human to die in our place for our sins and He is able to give us the power to live the godly lives He desires us to as we look to Jesus Christ for His power. On our own, we cannot do this godly wife thing!)

      Much love to you! Sending you a HUGE hug!

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you. It is wonderful to meet you!

      April

      • Hanife
        August 13, 2014 at 9:39 am #

        Thank you so much April. You have an angel spirit. I will follow your blog …Love and Hug..Hanife

  44. zendarah
    August 13, 2014 at 7:38 am #

    I am in desperate need of a surrendered friend to listen to my woes but I struggle with socialising with women… I just read the surrendered wife and I love the theory. I really want to see improvements in my relationship with my husband. I come from a background of filthy childhood abuse from a man who demanded that I show him “due respect”. So even the word respect for me is !terrifying!. My relationship is a mess. My husband is staying at a mates tonight and I dont know how to surrender to someone who isn’t here. Ive made massive mistakes.

    • peacefulwife
      August 13, 2014 at 7:42 am #

      Zendarah,

      Goodness! If you have endured that kind of abuse as a child, you may need extra specialized support as you seek to become a godly wife. Are you able to receive any godly counseling to help you heal from your childhood? What resources do you have, my sweet girl?

      • zendarah
        August 24, 2014 at 9:42 am #

        I get therapy with a run of the mill pysch. Shes pretty good but we dont talk religon. Ive tried to read some christian self help books. My experience of actual Christian help is that… well, most dont want to know.

        • SuperMark
          August 24, 2014 at 11:46 am #

          Can I add some thoughts? I ask because maybe you’re not after advice.

        • peacefulwife
          August 24, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

          Zendarah,

          You are welcome to share if you would like to here. I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word. :)

  45. sildah
    August 31, 2014 at 12:30 pm #

    Everytime we fight with my husband he tells me. I don’t respect him, I hv no idea wat he is talking abt. Do u hv a place arnd johhanesburg east where I can go for help?

    • Peacefulwife
      August 31, 2014 at 1:56 pm #

      Sildah,

      It is a pleasure to meet you! I live in America and am not aware of resources in your area. However, I have MANY posts about respect and disrespect here on my blog. You can search those terms on my home page search bar. And there are some very helpful posts at the top of my home page. As well. If you have questions, I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word. There is every reason for hope in Him. :)

      Much love!
      April

  46. Gina
    December 2, 2014 at 11:30 am #

    I’m so happy to have found your blog! Societal forces do not help us to be submissive even when we know it is the right and Godly thing to do. Thank you for taking a stand.
    Blessings.

    • Peacefulwife
      December 2, 2014 at 1:04 pm #

      Gina,
      So true. This does not come naturally to us – biblical submission goes against our sinful self, our culture, and most of the examples we have seen around us.
      I’m glad that this is helpful to you. May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His glory!

  47. lynncourtnee
    December 15, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

    Hi Peacefulwife,

    Reading through this post, as well as most of the comments, has been both enlightening and truly humbling for me. I can’t thank you enough for the truth and wisdom in your words.

    After 4 years in a wonderful relationship, I expect to be engaged soon, and it has me examining and analyzing my relationship with my boyfriend more than ever. I think I have always known deep down that I struggle fiercely with this issue-showing respect to my boyfriend-but I admit that I have never recognized it or acknowledged it to the extent that I did something about it. This post has really began to clarify how much I truly struggle with it, and I know God has used you to reach me. I am feeling the weight of my pride, self-righteousness and selfishness in my relationship, and I’m almost afraid of what else I’m going to find as I continue to ask God to show me.

    Here lie the problems: I hold myself and other people to an extremely high standard, and this has especially applied in my relationship. I have high expectations and find it hard not to hold it against my boyfriend when they’re not met. I also tend to be self-righteous and feel as though I know the right way to do things, the right answer, etc…and am not normally willing to compromise if I strongly feel that I am right. If I perceive something as being done inefficiently, I tend to rebel and want to take control. I am a perfectionist and I don’t take criticism well. My boyfriend is far less perfectionistic, organized, efficient, and goal-oriented than I am, so there have been many, many times where I haven’t been patient enough or trusted him enough to do things his way. Only now am I beginning to see the error in my ways and realize how disrespected he has probably felt by this in the past. So many times I’ve wondered why he wasn’t giving me more, making me feel more loved, and here I was telling him everything he was doing wrong, and forgetting that, hey, I actually have a role to play, too! And hey, maybe I’m NOT doing everything right.

    I just feel so incredibly thankful that he has always been so patient with me. He is currently in seminary studying to be an Anglican priest. I love him more than anything, but I’m so afraid I may not have what it takes to fill the role as a priest’s wife. I struggle fiercely with my pride and in humbling myself before others. All I know to do is continue to pray and ask God to change me- my fear is that my personality is just too perfectionistic and controlling to be a good, Godly wife.

    Again, I can’t thank you enough for this post and for reading this lengthy comment. I would love to hear your thoughts on what I can do to respect and love my boyfriend more in preparation for marriage.

    • Peacefulwife
      December 15, 2014 at 7:27 pm #

      lynncourtnee,

      It is great to hear from you. :) I’m so excited about what God is doing in your life!

      I was the same way, my sister!

      Please check out my Youtube channel “April Cassidy” – I have a video about perfectionism. And one about receiving constructive criticism.

      And, please search my home page for:

      – people pleasing
      – martyr
      – control and boundaries
      – guilt

      and

      – bitterness
      – forgiveness
      – idol of control
      – control
      – idolatry
      – idol
      – expectations

      You cannot be a godly wife on your own. But with God – He can radically change you, regenerate your soul and transform you. And you can be a wife who brings great glory and honor to God. :)

      Much love to you!

  48. Amy
    December 17, 2014 at 1:00 am #

    My husband never has respected me as his wife. Only as a fellow human, nothing more. Married 47 years and he never will change. His life involves him only and no one is allowed in his world. We never talk, have sex,date, sleep together or dinner. I’m just another person out on the street.

    • Peacefulwife
      December 17, 2014 at 6:52 am #

      Amy,

      I am so very sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing. :( Would you like to talk about things a bit more with me?

  49. Tincy
    December 26, 2014 at 2:18 pm #

    I have a friend whose husband is abusive towards her how can I ministry to her. He used to beat her now it’s mental and spiritual?
    Thanks

    • Peacefulwife
      December 26, 2014 at 6:39 pm #

      Tincy,
      I don’t have experience with abuse. But if she is truly in danger – you may want to contact the Salvation Army or a trusted pastor or Christian counselor. Of course, you can pray for her. And I join with you in praying for both of them – that God might draw them to Himself individually and bring healing to them and that He might bring healing to the marriage and great glory to Himself!

      Is she safe?

      Much love to you!

  50. Tincy
    December 26, 2014 at 7:48 pm #

    Kinda she’s not allowed to many friends and she can’t talk to any man he made her quit work she stays home. He won’t let her go to church. He didn’t have a job for a year now he works but everyday she says that he might quit if she does anything he might consider a way of leaving him I fast and pray for them what should I do

    • Peacefulwife
      December 27, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

      Tincy,

      Are you married? What does your husband think you should do?

      You can attempt to be her friend and love her. You can pray for her – which is, by far, the most important thing to do. You can direct her to resources. But you cannot change her. You cannot fix her. You cannot change or fix him. You cannot make decisions for either of them.

      If she leaves, she may be in the most danger. There is a national hotline for abuse she can check out if she is not safe.

  51. DISRESPECTED HUSBAND
    December 27, 2014 at 7:40 am #

    Nothing bothers me more than when my wife goes to another man for something that I can, have, or am willing to PROVIDE. Whether he volunteered it or not, all gifts should be run by the husband FIRST before they are accepted, otherwise the gesture may be seen as invasive and inappropriate. PLEASE speak on this and allow my wife to understand it if you agree.

    • Peacefulwife
      December 27, 2014 at 6:48 pm #

      Disrespected Husband,

      Thanks so much for sharing! Let me see if I am on the same page. Are you talking about things like a man offering to pump up your children’s bicycle tires, offer her a ride somewhere, or to do small projects around the house that she needs done, for instance?

      If another man offered to do something for your wife, what do you believe would be an appropriate response that would show respect and honor for you and your marriage?

  52. Tincy
    December 28, 2014 at 11:40 am #

    Yes I’m married although I don’t agree with my husband, I feel she has been responding in a Godly manner we who are in the church turn a blind eye to the treatment or pain of others. We tell them to speak positive or ack as if you are free. I have watched people shun them her. It really disturbed, yes she is aware of all the help out there but she is waiting on the Lord. She had asked the ladies to go to her home and pray while he was at work. Since pray changes things I was the only lady there. It really breaks my heart for her. So they no longer attend church. She is not allowed either. So I will continue to stand with her. Our excuse may be we don’t want to cause any trouble for her well then don’t pray then if pray changes things. Because it will stir up the devil oops I said it the devil. So those of you who think it won’t I do say it will do if you don’t want to case her any trouble don’t pray for them. However I will stand when no one will. JESUS laid down his life they need a miracle I want to be that miracle for them shame on us for abandoning them. Thank you

    • Peacefulwife
      December 28, 2014 at 2:42 pm #

      Tincy,
      If am very thankful that you are praying with your friend and standing with her. That is awesome!! Everyone needs a friend like you and a prayer warrior like you. I commend you for not wanting to abandon her and for loving her. I also commend her for her faith in God and her willingness to wait on Him.

      Please tell me, what is it that your husband wants you to do exactly?

      Much love to you!

    • Peacefulwife
      December 29, 2014 at 10:22 pm #

      The comments in the post today may have some resources that might be helpful to your friend. :)

  53. Lori
    January 9, 2015 at 12:27 pm #

    My situation might be a bit different. I respect, admire and am very proud of my husband but….I refuse to tell him. I have to many times stop myself from letting it slip or giving him a compliment. I want to, I feel I cant. I used to compliment him (not as much as I should) but I would occasionally. The reason I hesitate is because he will not ever give me compliments and shows me little respect. I don’t mean this rude but he honestly already thinks enough of himself for the both of us. When I compliment him it is just proof for him that he is all he is. In other words, I don’t want to make his head even bigger than it already is plus the fact that he cant even lie sometimes and tell me I did a good job on something or give me the smallest personal compliment.

    Ive tried so many times to look nice when he came home but all I get is “where did you go” or “where are you going?”. Weve been married 20 years and I can name on one hand the compliments he has given me. I really can! I can also tell you when, where, what the compliment was because I was so shocked. It makes me feel pathetic that I would get so excited that he would tell me “what did you do to your eyes? they look kinda pretty for some reason” I happened to be suffering from allergies at the time and for some reason when my eyes water they look more blue lol. I didn’t care the reason, it made me feel so good and I let him know how much I appreciated it too.

    Ive even told him before that I hold back saying things to him (compliments) because he will not just throw me one once in a great while. Like I said even if he had to lie and just acknowledge that I put in some effort. I don’t understand why he wont knowing how much I want/need it. I was complimenting him for many years before I decided to stop so its not that he could say “well you never compliment me”. Like I said before, I am very proud of him physically and for his hard work and accomplishments. I brag on him to my friends and family all the time but he would be the last person I would tell. Is that messed up or what? Should I stop being like this and go ahead and tell him these things and just accept that I will never hear anything like that back just to make sure he feels good about himself?

    Just be sure that you know even if I do he will not return it. I guess I’m saying don’t suggest that maybe if I do he will come around and start to do it. Its been 20 years and I know for a fact that he wont. Is it something I should never have expected of him in the first place? I hope I don’t sound too selfish or vain or even immature but it really does bother me. I know i’m far from perfect and I never expected him to be but hes like this in a lot of different areas as well. Hes good enough of a person to let me hug him once in awhile, just don’t expect to be hugged back or definitely initiate any type of physical affection, other than….you know. Boy I really started venting, I had no intention of doing that. Sorry, but thanks for letting me have my pity party. Love you all!!

    • Peacefulwife
      January 9, 2015 at 8:33 pm #

      Lori,

      It’s a pleasure to meet you! You are voicing two very popular ideas among women today:

      – that if we compliment our husbands it will go to their heads and make them too vain.
      – that women should withhold good things from their men to teach them a lesson so that the men will begin to do what the women want them to do.

      Let me ask you something before I attempt to address these important issues – what is your relationship with God? Have you experienced the grace, forgiveness, mercy, and love of Christ for yourself?

      I’ll give you a few posts to check out. And then, if you are ready, I’d love to talk some more about this with you. :)

      Help! My Husband Never Compliments Me!
      Being Married to a Man Who Doesn’t Talk Much
      - Do I Have the Right to Punish My Husband?
      Why Do I Have to Change First?
      From Clark Kent to Superman

      Here are some videos of mine:
      My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Him.
      My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect!

      Much love to you! You are most welcome here. :)

    • Gina
      January 9, 2015 at 8:51 pm #

      Lori,

      This does not sound like a pity party. You sound like a good woman who truly loves and respects her husband. You also happen to be frustrated and hurting a bit.
      I do believe its still possible for him to change, however…he’s not writing in and I don’t know his heart. He may not respond the way you want him to…no matter what you do.

      There are two things you may wish to consider. First, he is starving for your respect. He needs respect, appreciation, and admiration like air. Even if he’s selfish, do you really want to withhold from him that which will warm his heart more than anything?

      Second, it is very likely that he will change…in small, incremental ways over time. I’m not saying he will give you the compliments you crave to hear, but his heart will soften, maybe to the point where he can hear you if you ask in very simple and direct terms for what you want. I’m not implying anything about his intelligence. Men and women’s brains process information very differently. They need us to be very clear about what we want, and preferably ask for one thing at a time.

      You love your husband. Your heart is full of love. That’s who you are. Holding back on him is really you holding back on who you are and who you need to be. God wants you to be a pure, beautiful expression of His love. As women, we ARE vessels of love.

      You may be right that he won’t return the affection and compliments. You know this man. You married him and have stayed by him for many years. You’re a wonderful woman. Is it possible that you can accept him and love him just the way he is? That way, you would get to be your loving self. And…you’d get to be happy about your marriage the way it is. Remember, too, there are other ways he shows his love. Does he bring home his paycheck? Does he try to get along with family? I bet there are lots of things he does that don’t outwardly look loving, but really are.

      In my opinion, the thing that motivates men the most to change is seeing us happy and feeling like they make us happy. Since the only person we can change is ourselves, what we CAN do is to choose to be happy and choose to be our loving selves.

      I will certainly pray for you and your husband.
      There is hope. The results may not be what you have pictured, but things can get better. You’ve been very brave to reach out here. That demonstrates a readiness on your part to make things better.

      Best of love to you,
      Gina

      • Peacefulwife
        January 9, 2015 at 9:01 pm #

        Love this Gina! So beautiful and powerful!

        • Lori
          January 10, 2015 at 6:13 am #

          Wow! Thank you two for getting back so quickly and with such kind words. That was very nice indeed.

          I read that first post you suggested and I thought for a minute that I wrote that one day and just forgot lol. It was exactly what I’m dealing with. There are some differences, of course, between the two. First let me say that after re reading my post I feel pretty selfish and childish. I was just kinda feeling like “why do I have to do all these things to make him happy and feel good about himself and he doesn’t have to?”.It is pretty stupid to hold back loving thoughts because I’m keeping some kind of score,

          Now a couple differences..
          I’ve never demanded or even asked him to compliment me because I don’t want it if hes not saying it because he wants to and means it. I said earlier I would be happy with even a lie, that’s not true. If hes just saying it to get me to shut up about it and doesn’t mean any of it, I would rather not have it. Does that make sense? Its like the apology you have to ask for, If he was sorry he would have said it. That’s actually another word he does not have in his vocabulary. I think he doesn’t apologize because that would be just like admitting he was wrong and that does not happen.

          No, he does plenty of criticizing. He doesn’t hold anything back. If hes unhappy about something I’m sure to hear it no matter how large or petty it may be. I never tell him when something is bothering me, ever. He trained me a long time ago that any fight/argument/disagreement we have he will win. The few times I did try to tell him something I ended up crying and apologizing to him for something. The issue I brought up was long ago thrown out and we’re on to things that bother him. Its just not worth it. He knows this too. Ive told him to never ask me to tell him If I have a problem because this happens every time. He promises it wont but it always does. He has got sooo much better though, his temper was out of control and I’ve been called every name in the book , not the good book :). He has really calmed down and I am so grateful to God for that.

          I just feel like a friend to him sometimes, an ugly friend. I finally got to the point where I don’t long for affection just to be disappointed, I’m sure I can learn to do without compliments as well.

          I feel really bad now after seeing what I wrote earlier. It looks different when Its in print and not just a thought. I doubt I would compliment anyone so immature and selfish as I sounded. I’ll let go of the score card and compliment him whenever it pops in my head instead of holding it back. Even if he does get a big head :) just kidding. Thanks so much, you’ve been a true blessing. God bless you and keep doing what youre doing. You help so many.

          • Peacefulwife
            January 11, 2015 at 6:56 am #

            Lori,

            My prayer is for you to find a lot of encouragement and healing here. :) I’m so glad you are here!

            Yes, I agree that a compliment is pretty worthless if you have to ask for it or fish for it or demand it.

            You know what? I really want to see you be able to share your heart, desires, ideas, concerns, needs, and feelings, too. Your thoughts are important, too! If you’d like, we can talk about a specific example of something you want to share with him, and we can talk about respectful ways to address it. That doesn’t guarantee he won’t get mad. But – it is important for a wife to be able to contribute to the marriage. It’s not a good thing to just go silent and say nothing. That is unhealthy, too. I went the opposite way and was disrespectful and controlling. Not good. There is this beautiful place in the middle where we can get to by God’s power where we are gentle, calm, friendly, pleasant, loving, respectful, honoring, truthful, filled with God’s Spirit, not afraid, and where we influence our husbands for great good.

            Are you safe? I haven’t heard you say that your husband is abusive – so I am assuming he is not.

            How do you respond when he is very critical?

            What was his parents’ marriage like?

            What was your parents’ marriage like?

            Do both of you know Christ?

            Much love!!!!!!!!

            Check out this post when you have time:

            A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage

          • Pk
            January 25, 2015 at 12:53 am #

            Lori,
            Dont worry, I totally understand you and agree wholeheartedly with all you wrote.

            See, for some reason, women think that they are to do everything for their husbands and to keep making him feel respected and appreciated. For some reason, we keep holding back on supporting each other and admitting that husbands do owe their wives respect and admiration too.

            • Peacefulwife
              January 25, 2015 at 6:25 am #

              PK,
              Husbands absolutely have a responsibility to honor, cherish, love, nurture, protect, respect, and bless their wives. They are accountable before God to do so, in fact. However, this site is for wives, so I don’t address what husbands should do. Here, I talk about the things that wives control and what God commands us to do on our end of the marriage. Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5, I Corinthians 11:3, etc… But, that doesn’t negate husbands’ responsibilities.

              Thanks for the comment! :)

  54. Nicole
    January 11, 2015 at 8:46 pm #

    I found this article interesting. But I must say, “In your home” doesn’t apply to a lot of women today as we are working too and sometimes we are the main bread winner in the home. So how do you show respect when that is the case in the home? I work full time and the majority of provisions come from me. So a little help on dealing with the roles being reversed world be helpful. He does work, but I make the most money.

    • Peacefulwife
      January 11, 2015 at 9:17 pm #

      Nicole,

      You can still respect your husband and defer to his leadership on big decisions and honor him as a father. You can still make a big deal out of any provisions he brings in and what a great husband, dad, handy man, etc… he is. I made the majority of our income for over 16 years in our marriage. I will say, there is a much greater temptation to feel like you should be in control when you know you bring home more money. That is something to carefully guard against. You can still thank him for providing so well for the family, for working, for loving you, for his faithfulness, for his work ethic, for being the man of the house…

      Do you have children?

      Here is another post about respect that may be helpful.

      And, you may want to search these terms on my home page search bar:

      – lead
      – leader
      – husbands share
      – superman

      Much love to you!

  55. Jeff
    January 13, 2015 at 3:14 pm #

    I’m feeling like a waste today.
    I embarrassed my wife, her parents and mine for being unemployed for so, so long. It is my fault. I was fired for a company truck accident (2009). Yeah, I was distraught from my daughters rape. (if you can call it that; she escaped from her group home and found this “guy” to be a great help to her after 5 beers). All this time, 5 years, no job success whatsoever.
    For me, grad school, gym time, marathon running…I am still an embarrassment to all because I have no job and am not defined by anything!
    No wonder she disrespects me so much! my wife thinks “I am an angry guy and that’s why everyone avoids me.” I was better as a cop, but that lasted all of a year, a long time ago. I’m looking for value in me. I don’t see it. The bible places value in Christ, but that is great for salvation, what do I tell people when they ask me, “what do you do?” The reality is, I babysit a gay autistic adult son (NOT fun), care for smaller kids and a teen Downs girl (my precious). The days are long, the money short, the intimacy with my wife, boring…I’m depressed. All the people from the college degree completion program I graduated from in 2010 have jobs, not me.
    There are so many things of, “I wish I woulda, shoulda, coulda…”
    The disrespect I get is so deserved. yet I don’t like it and I think it’s unhealthy for the kids. We talked about it the other day and she agreed to work on stuff, but I feel so responsible for “it all.” I have a great faith but not sure what to tell other people about so much failed prayer. So much, failed, prayer. I’ll go back to my isolation now, the UPS guy is here with the broken washer replacement parts…
    For those women who cannot respect their husbands I say this; imagine if he was not working for months/years and yet was healthy and educated to do so.

    • Peacefulwife
      January 13, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

      Jeff,

      I don’t think that you “deserve” disrespect. God designed men to need respect and He designed wives to need love. What would you tell a wife who cannot have children, or a woman who cannot find a husband? That they have no worth or deserve no love? Of course not!

      Worldly status does not give us greater worth.

      Thankfully, you have value and worth apart from a career. What you have is a ministry to these precious children. Jesus spent 3 years doing ministry and was not paid for it, other than donations from others just to provide food for Him. Your value as a man is not linked to a job. A woman’s value is not linked to her looks, her marriage status, her career status, or whether she has children. A paycheck does not equal worth. A paycheck would be great! But it is not related to your value as a man or to whether you “deserve” respect or not.

      When people ask you what you do – talk about your walk with Christ, your ministry to others, your marathon running. Talk about the things you do that you love.

      Please check out the post I just posted on my husband’s blog today http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com and please check out this post “The Worth of a Person.

      Much love to you my brother in Christ! You have infinite worth. Your wife absolutely CAN respect you even in this situation. I used to have a support group for breadwinner wives. It IS possible! I promise!

      But even if she isn’t walking in obedience to God, or it takes her awhile to figure out respect, no one can take away your joy, peace, power, strength, and spiritual abundance unless you allow them to. Please don’t let the enemy rob you of all that Jesus died to give to you! You now have ALL of Him – everything that belongs to Him belongs to you. You are an heir of God. You are a child of the King of kings and Lord of lords. The God of heaven has given you the keys to everything in heaven and you have all access to Him and all that He has because you are in Christ. How could you possibly have more worth than you do right now?

      M

    • Peacefulwife
      January 13, 2015 at 7:51 pm #

      Jeff,

      Imagine with me for a moment that it is 100 years from now. Or 10,000 years from now. Or 1 billion years from now.

      Now let’s think about the things that will matter at that point. Jobs and paychecks from this lifetime will not be on our minds, I am pretty sure. But what will be of value at that point is the precious time you spent with these precious children. What if God has you with them so much right now because you are the instrument He wants to use to reach them for His kingdom? Whether they are in heaven or not will definitely matter eons from now. Perhaps God knows they need this time with their godly dad because He wants to empower you to bless them and to teach them His wisdom and truth and to show them the way to Himself? Perhaps He has you there to demonstrate godly masculinity to them for this season and to pray for them and to love and instruct them?

      • Peacefulwife
        January 13, 2015 at 9:59 pm #

        Jeff,

        If you were purposely not working and you were refusing to provide for your family, that would be very different. I have a feeling that God has something, or many things, for you to absorb and that He may use this time to chisel, grow and mature you. I can’t wait to see how He plans to use this time for your ultimate good and His ultimate glory. Praying for His wisdom, protection, strength, courage, and for His purposes to be accomplished in your life and family.

  56. Sarah
    February 5, 2015 at 4:06 am #

    Hello april , I thank u for ur lovely ministry.it is truly a blessing. I am going to marry a man who wants to join ministry and wants to be a pastor. He doesnt get paid much for it and I am a well earning doctor. Please tell me how should I go about my marrigae when I know the bible says a man should provide, and how do I respect him ? Both of us are saved. My fiance is a gentle and loving man. I am marrying him in a weeks time

    • Peacefulwife
      February 6, 2015 at 7:47 am #

      Sarah,

      It’s so wonderful to meet you! :)

      This is potentially a very divisive situation. It is easy for wives who make more money than their husbands to become resentful and disrespectful and to believe they have the right to take over and be in control. I have done that in the past. :(

      However, if you are aware of this potential problem, you can take steps to focus on humility and honoring your husband’s God-given leadership. You can remember that whoever earns the most income is contributing to the greater good of the marriage and family and to God’s kingdom instead of attempting to usurp your husband’s position. You can selflessly contribute to the family in the way God has empowered you to and you can support and uphold his calling and honor him as pastor in your church, as well.

      I have a post for minister’s wives.

      If you tend to be controlling, perfectionistic, and have a Type A (like I was) – there are many, many posts here that I believe will bless you.

      The Bible does say a man who doesn’t provide for his family is “worse than an unbeliever.” But – your husband IS providing. You could even choose to live on his income alone if he thought that was best – and save yours. How does your husband desire to handle the finances? Are you willing to trust him to lead? You may absolutely share your needs, desires, concerns, feelings, thoughts, etc… But if you don’t agree with him, and he is not asking you to clearly sin or condone sin – are you willing to lovingly yield to his leadership in those times, trusting God to lead you through this man?

      Much love to you!

  57. Kristen
    March 4, 2015 at 10:49 am #

    Could you please contact me? I would like to know more about how to show respect to my husband and what it looks like in specific situations. I have been married 27 years and the last 2 years I have cried almost daily because of the way things have gotten. I need help. Thank you

    • Peacefulwife
      March 4, 2015 at 6:38 pm #

      Kristen,

      I have TONS and TONS of posts about this. It is what half of my blog is about. Please check out the posts at the top of my home page to get started.

      I’m right here and am happy to talk with you!

      Much love!!!!

  58. Victoria
    March 6, 2015 at 4:10 pm #

    Hi, April, I’ve been studying your blog a lot since I decided I wanted to “try” being a submissive wife. It’s not a thing that comes naturally to me, which I think you empathize with. :)

    My situation, in brief, is this: I’m married and have two children with an unbeliever (more accurately, a lapsed believer–he actually wanted to be a priest when he was younger–but long since fallen away) and I was lapsed myself when we got together. Over the course of a long crucible of one problem after another, I eventually came back to God and finally realized I needed to ask Him for help.

    I haven’t put any pressure on my husband to convert, though he is aware I’m religious, and he allows me that.

    I began praying for him quite a bit though, and hoping that our marriage–in truth, a strong friendship and parenting partnership–could one day be godly. I asked God to work His will.

    Within a month, I discovered my husband had been having an affair, and very, very old problems he has with intimacy and sabotaging emotional connections were all brought to the fore.

    We are desiring to work on the marriage and he has shown a great deal of repentance and genuine desire to make things right and get the help he needs. I am trusting God that He is working His will, and the only way for us to have a godly marriage was for the one we have to get hit, effectively, with a sledgehammer and rebuilt from rubble in the light of truth instead of being surrounded in secrecy and lies and contempt. (I’ve always been somewhat aware of what my husband was doing behind my back, but I refused to confront it and lived in pain–over time, that pain turned to a lot of contempt for him.)

    The problem is this: Before I discovered the affair, we put in motion a plan for me to move 1000 miles away to live with my family and our children while my husband finished school. It’s a decision we were forced to make due to finances and one we couldn’t back out of.

    In the time leading up to my move, my husband went to support groups, began seeing a therapist, read books, and displayed sincere efforts at being more honest and communicative and our level of intimacy and fun we could have together was better than it’d been in years. We went to a couples session with a therapist very, very experienced in his background issues and in less than an hour she hit on the head a lot of what was going on with him and was willing to do couples counseling with me included via Skype even after I had to move. I did set some firm boundaries with my husband that he needed to work out the problems leading to his infidelity and dishonesty, that I could not tolerate him acting outside our marriage again, but I forgave him genuinely for what he has confessed to me, worked actively to show him how much I do respect and admire him for the things he’s done well, and extended him my trust (via trusting God–I accepted that if my husband proved untrustworthy, God wouldn’t let me be blind to it again, thus giving me nothing to fear.) I yielded control utterly and worked to tear down the idol I’d made of our marriage (it was the one thing I clung to when our lives kept crumbling; I should have clung to God!) I loved him very much but knew I would be alright no matter how God’s will panned out; I’ve worked at trusting Christ to fill the void I have for wanting love and attention and affection. I know I can’t expect my husband alone to satisfy those needs. I have hoped (and at times have seen) that submission does lead to a better connection with him, but even if it doesn’t, I still know what I am called to do.

    And I have your blog to thank for leading me to what I needed to do; your words have helped God change my heart for the better!

    The trouble now is that I am presently in another state, for a week and a half now, and I can feel my heart going hard. I have a counseling appointment coming up and am looking for a church home, but as a newly committed Christian, I have no godly women to talk to.

    I am not sure how to respect my husband while he is far away. I try not to contact him first or complain about my struggles here and I support any decision he tells me about while we are apart. But I’m quickly finding he can go a day or two at a time without contacting me at all and that is hard and I have to take initiative for him to talk with our kids. I know it’s not malice, he’s just very, very busy, but it hurts me deeply that he found time for his affair and porn and online dalliances when our lives were incredibly busy, yet I do not warrant a ten minute phone call.

    I am still being respectful and being his friend, but I am not sure I love him much anymore. I am so tired of being in pain. I’ve stopped responding to his I love yous and I don’t use pet names or affection anymore. I don’t know how long before he asks for an explanation and I don’t know what I’ll say. He backslid in his support group attendance, due to being busy, and I finally asked him today if he still intended to go to therapy because he never followed up with the therapist we both spoke with… he said he kept forgetting, asked for her number and called on the spot, but I feel like I’ve failed at submission by needing to inquire rather than letting him choose when or if to make the apppoinment, and hurt again that he kept forgetting something so important to my boundaries and ability to feel safe!

    I thanked him for calling and told him I feel better knowing he is still invested in working on himself and our marriage and that I know he’s busy, but I get worried about being lost in the shuffle.

    I don’t know if I responded well, and I don’t know how much of what I am feeling or thinking I should reveal. Sharing my emotions seems to repel him, so I try to do so sparingly.

    With our limited communication and my feeling that my love for him is suffering, what is the best way I can continue in respect and submission? We will be apart for another couple of months, and I know things may change when we are together again. I’m not angling to get a divorce, I just don’t know how to submit well right now and avoid hurting him or pushing him away…

    I know you get sooooo many questions April and I understand totally if you don’t have time. I do trust in God, but there are definitely times when a godly woman’s perspective is helpful. :) Anyone who wants to respond, I appreciate…

    • Peacefulwife
      March 6, 2015 at 9:47 pm #

      Victoria,

      Wow! It is a pleasure to meet you. I am amazed at all that God has been doing in your life. Goodness, what a painful mess things have been. But I thank and praise God for His ability to heal you and your husband and your marriage.

      What is your relationship like with Christ? How is your time with Him going?

      It is hard at first to figure out the balance about when to speak up and when to not say something when we are learning respect. Most of us overshoot one way too much for awhile, then overcorrect the other way too much. It takes practice, spiritual growth, learning, and the power of the Holy Soirit for us to learn to do this well. I don’t always get it right myself even after 6 years.

      Being submissive does not mean you can’t say what you need and how you feel. But it does mean you say things respectfully and choose your time wisely and watch your motives and prayerfully take difficult things to God and watch for any sin in your own life before addressing this. I hope that makes sense.

      You have a more complicated situation. But maybe these posts might help. You can search my home page for the following:
      – military
      – confronting our husbands
      – does being a submissive wife mean I can’t say how I feel
      – submission is not = to a husband is always right

      And my Youtube channel, April Cassidy, has a post about asking for things respectfully.

      It is ok to say that you would like to talk with your husband every day. If he doesn’t call you, maybe you can call him. If he says he can’t talk, you cannot force him to talk. And you don’t need to respond in sin. But it is ok to say you want to talk every day and that the kids need to talk with him every day.

      It is ok to say that you want for you both to keep seeing the therapist. You can say that briefly and respectfully. Probably just once.

      You have a lot to process and work through after his affair and now being so far apart. I wish you were together. How long are you supposed to be apart? How often will you get to see each other?

      Does he have any other accountability in his life, a godly male mentor?

      Much love to you!!!!

      • Victoria
        March 8, 2015 at 12:07 am #

        Thank you very much for responding!

        I searched for some other posts and found them very helpful. The one on husbands in deployment was particularly helpful, even though not all of it was relevant. It really brought into focus why turning to my husband with rants or emotional dumps–even if it was stuff not directed at him–really threw him off-kilter. I tend to be all or nothing with my emotions. Either everything’s out there, or it’s all just “I’m fine!”

        I see it’s important to distinguish between “There’s some things going on, but it’s under control” and “Things are happening that I really need your help with”. It gives me kind of a mental checkpoint before I tell my husband something; whether it’s something I need him to fix, and, if not, whether he really needs or would want to know about it.

        He is on his therapist’s schedule now and thanked me a couple times for reminding him, and I made myself warm up towards him a bit even if I wasn’t sure I felt it at first. I’m also trying to give him space to contact me first if he wishes and call me during the day, but if all else fails, I’m going to make sure the kids get to talk to him daily and I’ll make myself available online at night to chat. Withdrawing from him makes me feel temporarily vindicated as I sit in an angry funk, but it doesn’t really make me feel any better!

        I am very new in Christ still. I was very religious as a young teenager and close to Jesus, but some rough years followed and I suffered a lot of doubt. I never stopped believing, I even continued to pray daily to give thanks for what I had, but I stopped asking God for help because I stopped really thinking he would provide it. That thinking got me very lax in sin, as I depended on my own strength more and more and know that made me spiritually weak as a result.

        I’m still learning in baby steps. I feel my focus for now is in reading the Scripture, studying devotionals, learning to live in prayer through the day, and submit absolutely everything to God. I feel cautioned against asking for too much more than that, or I think I may be that vine that flourishes briefly and then wilts.

        I constantly ask God for his wisdom in talking to my husband and I can actually “feel” when I’ve said something that overstepped. I’m also learning when in doubt, it’s OK to say little, which feels odd. I’ve been worried my husband would think something’s the matter with me, but it seems to actually make him more talkative… which I’d always wanted anyway. :)

        I appreciate that I can definitely say when I want or need something, or bring up a concern, even if it’s with his behavior. I understand needing to do so prayerfully and with the right motive and speaking carefully.

        We’ll be apart until late May and won’t see each other at all till then. I wish he had a godly male mentor, but the closest he has are some of the men in his support group. I’m hoping there’s at least one there he’ll ultimately be able to go to for counsel, but I know that’s in God’s hands.

        Thanks again for responding. Your blog is such an incredible resource and inspiration!

        • Peacefulwife
          March 9, 2015 at 6:29 am #

          Victoria,

          I’m really excited about all that you are learning! This is wonderful. :) Thank you so much for the update.

          I am praying for you and your husband – for you both to fully submit to Christ and to allow His power to change and fill your souls, your hearts, your minds, and your marriage and family with His goodness. And for His healing.

          This is actually going to be a very productive time for you spiritually – I believe. Sometimes it is such a blessing when God has us all to Himself for a period of time for us to just really focus on Him. Much love to you!!!!!! Please let me know how you are doing and how we can pray with you.

          • Victoria
            March 27, 2015 at 3:23 pm #

            Ah, April, I blew it today. Maybe very badly.

            I’ve been doing my best. I’ve kept my happy face on during the brief moments I’ve gotten to talk to my husband. He talks to the kids before bed now more often than he doesn’t. I have supported every decision he’s made with what to do with our finances, trusted his input on every decision or dilemma I’ve given him, and supported his being out just about every night with friends or at a group meeting even if it means skipping his call with the kids or only being able to chat with him for a few minutes before I go to bed. I’ve praised his dedication to going to meetings and for taking care of his mother. Many of these things he’s done have inwardly caused me hurt or made me worried and anxious, but I kept giving those to God and continued to support him.

            I confronted him once a few weeks ago and asked him to stop talking about a female co-worker to me, because he was mentioning her every time we talked. I told him I couldn’t stop them being friends, but I did not want to hear about it anymore. I felt I approached it respectfully and he apologized and stopped mentioning her.

            And then… well, I’ve still been sore about how long it took him to contact his therapist and get on the schedule. He was keeping track of appointments and things that his mom and friends needed, but he kept forgetting what I asked, what I had set as a MAJOR condition of me continuing to invest in our marriage, and his delay in contacting the therapist means he’s only just now going in for his appointment today. But I wanted to let that go, and have been trying, but it did concern me.

            Then I found out he’s burnt through the majority of the money we had set aside for his future move in May because he kept eating out and buying other people food. He wanted to go out and didn’t feel like cooking. He’s never seemed concerned about the money or the move so I chose to continue trusting him with the money and not worry about it.

            Then yesterday was a bad day for me. I’m a freelance writer, and a fellow colleague won a very nice prize and award that I advised her for–because it’s the same one I won last year. Long story short, she has been putting herself on a pedestal, dismissing what I accomplished, and has actually insulted me publicly. On the same day, I saw my work get some new reviews tearing it to shreds. I’ve been using this as an exercise in dying to self, checked my ego, and prayed for God’s grace. I’ve supported my colleague and have not once stood up for myself or tried to wiggle my way in the spotlight or show dismay at the reviews.

            I did want to talk to my husband about what I was feeling and struggling with, though. When I told him, he at first asked why I was jealous. :( That made me angry and I stopped talking to him for a few hours. He apologized and said that came out wrong. I let go of that response and tried to explain what I was feeling better, and he then blew me off by saying I didn’t like getting accolades anyway. So I still felt like he was dismissing my feelings. But I understood he wasn’t seeing it the way I was, and I knew those negative emotions were coming from my ego anyway. So I chose not to be upset by it.

            Then he asks me (earlier this week, I told him I’d like a little spending money for me and the kids to buy some clothes for the warmer weather coming up) if I can get what I need on less money. He wants to pay for a (female) friend’s medical bill because she can’t cover it all herself and he can’t cover it and clothes for us and his own expenses in one paycheck. The little bit of money he’d been putting away from his paychecks for the move in May is also gone.

            I am upset at this point, but I stifle it and tell him I can do without anything this week and can do the shopping another time. I excuse myself to bed shortly thereafter, figuring I’ll feel better in the morning.

            I got up today and still felt angry. I yelled at my kids over something trivial and quickly realized they weren’t the target–so I redirected it to text my husband (I didn’t think he’d be awake) and tell him how upset I was.

            I didn’t mean for it to devolve, but it did; I told him I was furious he’d blown through all the money, was continuing to blow through it for everyone else’s sake, and I had no idea how he planned on moving out here now, and that I wasn’t sure I cared if he did or not. I said it seemed like I would never be as important to him as his mother and his friends, and I was tired of having to wonder where he was and what he was doing and with whom. I told him I was angry at him for delaying his therapy appointment by forgetting about it, when he knew how important it was to me (but he can remember what’s important to everybody else!). And I was sick of fighting to feel something I’m not sure I still do. That I’d had a lot of time to think here and get used to doing things on my own.

            I kept it above name-calling, but I was angry and it showed and it certainly wasn’t respectful. I’ve prayed every single day for God to bless my husband and help him stay strong and focused, and I’ve prayed to be a better wife and to submit and for help trusting. And I feel like I just blew it all.

            He responded once during the series of texts to ask what I was talking about, so I know he’s awake. But there’s been no response now for a few hours, no phone calls or anything.

            I don’t know what happens now and I don’t know how I feel about it.

            I don’t think this is what God intended, or would have had me do. But I started out this year so afraid of losing him, and I prayed to be stronger and more sure of myself. Now I think I’m too far on the other side and unsure I care if I lose him.

            Our kids adore him and I’d never cut him out of their lives. But I don’t have to be his wife for him to love his kids.

            I’m trying to pray. I don’t know what I’m praying for, though. I just say “Father,” and cry.

            • Peacefulwife
              March 27, 2015 at 8:22 pm #

              Victoria,

              At first, it is so hard to figure out how to share our concerns and negative feelings respectfully. That can be a challenge even later in this journey. I don’t think it is wrong to need to share your concerns, or even your anger about him paying for this coworker’s bills instead of providing for his family. I would have been angry about that, too!

              I’m not sure that blowing up about all of it at once is going to be the most effective strategy, but – at this point – I am proud of you for not calling him names. I am not sure that you actually did tons of damage. I think some of these things needed to be said eventually.

              I vote to just wait awhile. Let him think. Maybe let him text you back first unless you really feel strongly nudged by God to apologize about something or to say, “I am sorry for exploding. I really do want to make this work. I definitely have some big concerns. I want us to work through this.”

              But it may be that he needs a few days to process and then perhaps he will be ready to reach out to you. I am not really sure. I pray for God’s wisdom for you.

              I know you will be ok whether you lose your husband or not as long as you have Jesus. But I do pray for God to heal your marriage.

              Praying for you to just rest in God’s love, sovereignty, and provision right now. It could be a good time to just wait on the Lord for clear direction.

              Sending you the biggest hug!!!!!

  59. Jennifer
    March 12, 2015 at 9:44 pm #

    Thank you for this! My husband and I have been married a year and a half and have a 9 month old. I admit I have a terrible time acting respectful. Sometimes my husband can be very judgmental and critical of me and it hurts my feelings and leaves me feeling insecure. As a result I tend to lash out because I feel like I need to defend myself. I love my husband and we are both working on our marriage and trying to keep Christ in the center. I needed this practical list so I can work on applying things to our lives. I know my behavior impacts his behavior, and visa versa.

  60. Jess
    March 23, 2015 at 9:04 am #

    I just stumbled across your blog and am very thankful I did! I really struggle with showing my husband respect, because….well, I honestly don’t respect him very much. We have been married for 14 years and have 2 beautiful children together so yes, I have love for him, but I do not respect his actions or choices.

    You see, my husband starts drinking beer from the time he gets home until he goes to bed, which means he is in the man-cave neglecting our family. He often misses work because “he doesn’t feel good”, this drives me insane! He also no longer attends church with the kids and I which troubles me greatly. How are my children going to learn the importance of living a godly life if their daddy isn’t? To add insult to injury he recently inherited a great deal of money which he put in a bank account without my name on it. Right now we have over $1,000 worth of bills that need to be paid and he has not volunteered to pay for them. So now the financial burdens are also mine alone to bear.

    But you know, even with all of these faults he is not a bad man. He is not violent and we rarely even argue, mostly b/c I keep my mouth shut! lol

    I work 40 hours a week, haul the kids around town for their activities, do all of the house cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. I will say that he usually helps with supper which is nice, but it feels like too little too late. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of each day. His biggest complaint is the lack of intimacy in our marriage. Guilty as charged!

    Trying to fill the gap of “head of household” and being the “caretaker” is draining me, at the end of the day there is no more of me left to give….

    • Peacefulwife
      March 23, 2015 at 12:06 pm #

      Jess,

      It is wonderful to meet you! :)

      I can certainly understand that there are some things that you don’t respect about your husband. God never calls us to respect sin. He also never calls husbands to love their wives’ sin.

      I’m glad to see that there are some good things to focus on. That is a great place to start.

      How is your walk with Christ going, my beautiful sister?

      Much love to you!
      April

      • Jess
        March 24, 2015 at 9:15 am #

        My relationship with Christ is strong, though I’ll admit that I’m guilty of allowing worry and stress to stumble my walk. I have a hard time asking God for help with carrying my burdens…..silly, I know!

        I decided years ago that my husbands addictions/sins were not mine to fix. That revelation alone was so freeing! I also had to come to terms with the fact that I made this commitment and that even though my children aren’t seeing the best side of their dad, they are living with both parents.

        So for now, I’m just trying to lead by example for both him and our kids, praying that one day it will rub off. ;)

        PS
        I just found out that our tax return is just enough to pay off those nasty bills! The Lord works in mysterious ways….

        Jess

    • Peacefulwife
      March 23, 2015 at 12:29 pm #

      Jess,

      You may be interested in my video, “My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect.

      And “Why Do I Have to Change First?”

      As well as “Signs a Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected”

      And “What Is Respect in Marriage?”

      You may also be interested in my About story at the top of my home page. :)

      • Jess
        March 24, 2015 at 9:17 am #

        Thank you, I will definitely check these out!

  61. Vana
    March 25, 2015 at 10:28 am #

    Wow this was an eye opener for me. My husband continues to tell me I don’t respect him and I was frustrated because I felt I was but I had to look in the mirror and ask God to show me how to be the wife He ordained for me to be. I wanted to learn how to respect my man of God and please God. So grateful I “stumbled” upon this website. I feel I now have some practical things I can work on like baking a cake for his coworkers 😊

    • Peacefulwife
      March 25, 2015 at 8:28 pm #

      Vana,
      It is great to meet you!

      Not all of these ideas will speak “respect” to every man. But they are interesting to think and pray about. You could even ask your husband which ones would mean something to him, then you won’t have to guess. :)

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