What Does Respect Look Like to Husbands?

Just like wives need love, husbands need respect. God’s design for marriage is laid out here, in Ephesians 5, and His purpose goes WAY beyond the scope of the health of our individual marriages – although if we follow His design, we will have much healthier marriages.  God’s highest purpose in marriage is to showcase the intimate relationship between Christ and His people.  We are acting out a living parable where husbands represent Christ and wives represent the church to bring glory to God and to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.

Ephesians 5:22-33

New International Version (NIV)

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wivesas their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

RESPECT 101

So here are some ideas of ways you can show respect to your husband.  Think of it like a buffet.  This is not a list of rules – but some ways some wives use to show respect that works for them. Some things may apply to your marriage, some may not. There are some things that speak respect to just about all husbands, but each man is unique, so you will need to possibly ask your husband about things – maybe just a few at a time – and learn what speaks respect best to him.  That is what matters most!  I had some husbands’ input on this list.  Thank you, gentlemen!

With His Job

It’s important to realize here that what a man does is a part of who he is.  This is part of the reason that the first thing one man will probably ask the other is “what do you do?”  I think that a lot of wives lose out on connections that they can make with their husbands because they want to separate him from his work– and yet that work is what he does for most of his day.

  • Let him know how much you appreciate the work that he does.
  • If his company has a get together, don’t try to get out of it.
  • Learn something about his profession– so that you’re at least conversant.
  • Just like you’d like him to ask you about your day, ask him about his.
  • Find out what he wants to do with his life.
  • try to support his dreams and ambitions
  • Prepare a snack just for him and his coworkers (the people in his office will look up to him!)
  • Send him thoughtful or playful texts while he’s at work.
  • Include a brief note of praise in his lunch (if he brings one).
  • See him off in the morning.
  • Welcome him home from the day.

At Your Church

It’s hard to argue that church is not a place that a man should lead.  Many places in the Scripture men are called to be leaders of the home, they’re given jobs to do and roles to fill, but you are probably the most important piece to his ability to find respect and leadership in the church.  Why?  Because people will be looking to see how he leads his family, how he cares for them, and whether his family respects him.  What you show or do not show reflects on him even more in this setting.

  • If you find it appropriate, cover your head. (I Corinthians 11:3-16)
  • Encourage him in his abilities.
  • Talk positively about him.
  • Defer to him when asked about making time commitments.
  • If you have a question about something in the sermon, ask him first before going to the preacher/teacher.
  • Actually, finding something to talk about or ask about the sermon would be a great way to show respect, even if you know the answer.  Show him that you care about his thoughts and ideas on the subject!
  • If your husband doesn’t ordinarily attend, then praise him when he does.
  • Thank him for taking the family to church.
  • Let your husband know that you are praying for God to give him wisdom as the spiritual leader of the family.
  • Encourage him to participate in men’s groups where appropriate – don’t begrudge him that time.
  • Don’t make fun of his singing if he’s monotone!
  • Praise him for getting involved.

In Your Home

In most cases, you are the master of your home.  You are probably there most of the time, you know how to clean it much better than he does, and you are probably given free reign to do with it as you please.  However, he will still want to claim some area as his– the den, an office, the garage.  There has to be some space that he is allowed to be as “organized” as he wants and that he can call his own.  Call it a guy thing.

  • Allow him to have a space that is defined as his.
  • Ask him respectfully and with a pleasant tone of voice about projects you would like to be done around the house and an idea for when you want them done.
  • Do not nag him to get the projects completed.
  • Be clear in your requests, don’t make him guess.
  • If what he does is not up to your standards, explain what you would prefer without being judgmental.
  • Be his wife, not his mom.
  • Allow his input into what you make for meals.
  • Praise the things that he gets accomplished.
  • Guard your tongue as to how you talk about some feature of the house you do not like– most likely he’s providing for it and he could take it as an attack on him or his ability to provide well for the family.
  • Make the house presentable, but don’t stress over being perfect.
  • Home is where you are, more than the house, if you’re stressed, he will be upset.
  • Respect that he sees women all day long that have prepared themselves to be in public– what do you look like when he sees you?
  • Clean out all clothing that doesn’t fit or he doesn’t like. (If he is ok with that, of course!)
  • There’s a look that you know how to give…
  • Massage his shoulders when he isn’t expecting it.
  • Run your fingers through his hair.
  • Sit down next to him and snuggle into his arm.
  • Leave a note on his night stand that lists a few of the traits you respect in him.
  • Write a message in the mirror he’ll see after he showers.

On Vacation

When going on vacation, it isn’t time to let up on letting him or encouraging him to lead.

  • Don’t question whether he knows how to get where he’s going.  Let him ask you if he wants help with directions.
  • Ask him how much you should pack.
  • Let him pack the car– it’s a big sign of manliness to figure out how to get all the luggage in there
  • He’s goal oriented and will want to make it as far as he’s planned.  Try to keep stops to a minimum.
  • Ask how far he wants to get that day.
  • Do what you can to keep the commotion down.
  • Take turns driving if he would appreciate that.
  • Realize that many men view the ability to drive the whole way manly– it’s not a comment about whether you can drive.
  • Don’t blackmail with embarrassing vacation photos!
  • Make sure he’s included in family photos– no one likes to see that they were never there.  But don’t force him to be in tons of pictures if he hates having his picture made!
  • Plan time to make the vacation special with the two of you, even if you have brought the kids.
  • Make sure that you get the proper amount of sleep– hard to be respectful when you’re fighting exhaustion!
  • Let him know what you would like to do on the vacation, that way he’s not taken by surprise.
  • Try to stick to the plan.  Some things can’t be helped, but not keeping to a plan can be frustrating.
  • Enjoy yourselves– it will let him feel like he’s providing a good time.
  • Thank him for all that he does and for the wonderful trip.

At The Store

The store can be an infuriating place for a guy.  You’ve made the list, he doesn’t know what’s on it.  You know the brands, he wants to get in and out as fast as possible.  You’re there for clothing, he has nothing to do while you try things on.

  • Share lists, if possible– nothing’s more humiliating than having to follow you around as you dole out instructions.
  • If you find something’s amiss, show him the right brand without judging the one he got– no huffing.
  • Purchase more at once, if your husband is ok with that, this allows for fewer trips to the store.
  • If you’re clothes shopping, plan to do it without the kids.
  • Plan to get his input on your clothing choices.
  • Don’t stick him holding your purse.
  • Don’t take him if you don’t need him there.
  • If you’re getting clothing, maybe to make it exciting, pick up something “just for him.”
  • Try for efficiency.  He knows that his time is worth something, do you?
  • If there’s something that he’s mentioned that is at the store, make sure that you get it– especially if he’s mentioned it more than once.
  • Surprises are nice– for both people– so think about surprising him when he’s not looking if it is within your budget.

In Front of the Kids

Nowhere is order and respect more important than in front of the kids.  I’d also say that nowhere is it harder.  You’re in charge all day.  You have to make decisions, maintain discipline, teach, and be all that your kids and your house requires.  When your husband arrives home, it can be easy to look at him as just another person needing something, or to look at him as the cavalry where you can go veg out and he can take over.  Neither of these are necessarily helpful.

  • Stop what you are doing and smile, HUG him and KISS him like you mean it and say, “Welcome home!”  
  • Teach the children to clean up a bit before Daddy comes home and then run to him and welcome him home.  Make that time special!
  • If you have a concern about how he handled something, don’t question him in front of the kids.
  • Get his input on decisions, especially bigger ones.
  • If you ask his opinion, make sure you act on it– otherwise don’t ask.
  • If he tells the kids something (either they can or can’t do something), don’t alter it, even if you think you know better.
  • Make sure that you’re on the same page raising the kids.
  • Escalate to him– children should know it’s a worse thing to have to be disciplined by dad.
  • Realize that him not being there all day means less time he has to be consistent, and encourage him in consistency with discipline.
  • Praise him to your kids when your kids are not around.
  • Have your kids pray for him when he is not around.
  • Talk with your kids about what he does– especially in his presence.
  • Dad’s can get the impression that they’re just a wallet– teach gratitude.
  • Encourage him to play with his kids, and provide space to do so.
  • Show your kids how you love and respect him, and they will to.  The tone of voice you use and way you speak to your husband is the way your children will speak to him, too!
  • Make your husband a priority over the kids.  They need to see that your relationship is important.
  • Make date night a priority in your life– prepare for it, talk about it, etc.
  • Make sure your kids know you are fixing your husband’s favorite meal.
  • Help the kids prepare a treat for your husband.

Know that he’s not the perfect husband and you’re not the perfect wife, but start from the heart, and learn/practice respect.

FOR MORE IDEAS ABOUT WHAT HUSBANDS FEEL IS RESPECTFUL, CHECK OUT THIS POST!

This blog will be most relatable for wives who tend to be strong willed/in charge whose husbands are passive.

If your husband is controlling or you are more passive – many things I talk about will still apply (God’s Word always applies)- but you may have to approach some of the practical issues from a different angle.  This blog may not be as helpful for you. If you have serious marriage issues like addictions, abuse, uncontrolled mental health disorders or infidelity  -please seek godly, experienced help. I am not able to address these kinds of extreme issues here and I do not have experience with these situations.

I only write for wives – I don’t write for husbands. A husband cannot force or demand his wife to respect him and submit to him any more than a wife can demand that her husband love her. She must do this willingly and voluntarily out of her love and respect and obedience to Christ.

99 Comments on “What Does Respect Look Like to Husbands?”

  1. Jonathan Nichols
    September 14, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    Is there an equivalent out there for husbands? I know I need to be better…

    • peacefulwife
      September 14, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

      Johnathan,
      That is an excellent question! Let me see what I can find out. :)

      • peacefulwife
        September 16, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

        Johnathan – I have a new post up tonight written by Ronfurg about how to love your wife. I hope you’ll check it out!

    • peacefulwife
      September 15, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

      I’m checking with several godly husbands/bloggers I know to see about getting a similar list for the men. Thanks for asking!

    • Yvone
      March 10, 2014 at 8:06 am #

      Hi dear

      i was reading your site and read the article about respect to men. Dear i have been married for 2 years now, i have a son who is 1 and half year. First my husband started drinking much and coming late, after a while he decided to change but i discovered that he is been taking borrowing money form different banks without even noticing me. Guess what ? in less than a year i discovered that he is having affair with several women. ( i found out sms, and chat which are intimate with 33 different women).

      I am telling you i feel so down, lost and wonder if it was the right to do when i decided to marry him.When i ask whats wrong, why he is been behaving that way, he says its because i don’t respect him. now i don’t understand the meaning that word. I tried cancelling with family but in vain.

      I feel betrayed, not respected and not loved. I am almost filling for divorrce but i would like my son to have a real family.

      Dear as i am writing to you, tears are all over my eyes, i really bad to think that i decided to spend the rest of life with this kind of man.( secretful, having afair, etc) i feel like a total stranger in my own house. We are in africa, im Chretian what should i do?

      Please pray for me and advice me.

      Blessings

      • peacefulwife
        March 10, 2014 at 8:27 am #

        Yvonne,

        Goodness! what a heartbreaking situation. :(

        You are not responsible for your husband’s sin. That is his responsibility and he will stand accountable to God for that one day.

        If a husband is unrepentant about infidelity, I believe a wife needs to say that this is not ok and needs to leave the situation until he is willing to repent. But, I trust God to give you the wisdom about exactly what He wants you to do and how to do it, I don’t have His wisdom.

        Yes, as we learn to respect our husbands, that can bring a lot of healing. But, our respect doesn’t fix everything.

        I personally don’t think I could stay if my husband was cheating, but would have to say, “You are breaking our covenant before God. Please repent and turn back to God and to me. Maybe with a lot of godly counseling, we can eventually rebuild our marriage.”

        But if he will not repent, please seek godly counseling.

        What does he say he wants?

        What is his relationship with Christ?

        What is your relationship wtih Christ?

        Are you safe?

        Do you have anywhere to go?

        How I wish I could hug your neck!!!

        I am praying with you!

  2. Will
    May 19, 2013 at 12:03 am #

    Thank u for this! My wife disrespects me and she doesnt even realize it andthats why were separated today. I refuse to except it!!!

    • peacefulwife
      May 19, 2013 at 8:31 am #

      Will,
      Most women today don’t know what respect is and don’t recognize disrespect. :( That is how I was! It is not intentional – but it disrespect wounds our men whether we intend it to or not. I pray that God might open her eyes and that He might bring healing and restoration to your marriage. I’m glad to talk with her if she is interested. Thanks for the comment.

      • MsJaave
        May 31, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

        Hi Will,

        I’m so sorry that you’re separated from your wife, whom I’m sure loves you very much, and is hurting just as much as you are. Take it from me, I absolutely LOVE, LOVE my husband, and love the Lord abov all, but I’m so fleshly sometimes and find myself disrespecting my husband, and only catch myself AFTER I’ve done it. And truthfully, most of the time i don’t even realize I’m doing it, until after I see my husband’s reaction or expression and realize I’ve must have said something wrong, but I don’t know what it was, and by that point I’m scared to ask because I “might” get hurt by his response. I struggle with this, partly because I grew up with a strong, single mom who always had to run the show. I know what God’s word says and daily I pray for help. Honestly, I’m having to teach myself and also let God teach me how to respect (thus, why and how I found this blog, thanks Peaceful Wife). Because in all honesty I’m having to learn what “Respect” really means. So all that to say, be strong and FIGHT for your marriage by fighting down on your knees praying for her and yourself, cover her with the Word and let the Holy Spirit convict her, not your words. Love her just as Christ loved us and watch God chang her, because love NEVER fails!

      • MDF
        June 26, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

        My husband is disconnected from me because he says I show him no respect.

  3. Nekiwa Smith
    May 20, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    I know i can do better with thinvs on the list. Ive been married 13 yrs. I hope and pray my hubby is patient with m:) He threatens that hes given me 13 yrs and with Jesus i can change now. It shoukdnt take years. I feel stressed allthe time to hurry and get here so my marriage canbe saved but iknow God is great and powerful.

  4. Sherry
    May 25, 2013 at 8:16 am #

    Interesting that you mentioned “packing the car”. Having played the single mom for many years and now being married to a pastor (going on 3 years now of a 7 yr relationship, and he’s a very godly man who truly loves the Lord), who would have thunk. I mean, it’s just packing the car, but truly, it IS a big deal to him! He/we travel back and forth to his family farm 3-4 times/month, and it’s like packing for vacation. The farmhouse where he grew up is, well, “primitive”. I’ve learned to let him do the packing which takes a load off me and he enjoys it.

    Can I get off topic a bit, b/c this opened up some other things that I’m sure you covered in other blogs? Tools….. Oh my goodness!!! Wherever we gol, we’re lugging around an entire workshop in the back of the mini-van! When traveling, we have at least one of my sons (if not both), usually two larger dogs (yellow lab and bloodhound), a cooler of food, clothes for 1-2 days usually and other odds/ends. Needless to say, the quarters are rather cramped for a 2 hour ride.

    Back to the tools…. yes, it was bugging me. At the parsonage, he has rarely needed tools and we do have some available. Lowes is less than a mile away if we don’t have something and he doesn’t want to ask anyone about borrowing tools (that must be a guy-thing).

    A while ago when we were pressed for space, I asked him to please make a decision on the tools because I didn’t feel it was necessary to lug this workshop around everywhere we went. He said he would….. and the weeks rolled by….. I asked again and got the same response. I waited. A few months have gone by.

    There are many times that my husband goes to the farm with the dogs. If the van breaks down, I want him to be prepared, but let’s think about this for a minute. There’s not much he’s going to be able to do with a battery-operated drill or a sander kit while on the highway! Last week, prior to another visit, I will admit I did NOT handle the situation in a Christ-like manner, but reverted back to my rather irritable self. The tools made it to the farm where he decided to leave most of them, keeping enough in the van in case of emergencies. Am I happy? No! First of all, what is it about lugging tools around that I am missing here? Is this a guy-thing? After all, we have AAA. Second, why did I have to make the request 3 times? Maybe I shouldn’t have asked more than once and just kept quiet? Then there’s the financial aspect we have to consider. While he is an under-paid professional, I am the bread winner of the family (PRAYING for that situation to change!!!) We’re spending $$ on gas to lug the extra, unnecessary weight around. God is supplying our needs, but it is our responsibility to be good stewards.

    I am learning to be a more peaceful wife. I am a scarred woman, and Christ is working daily to heal the wounds. My husband has a beautiful spirit, but he can also be passive-resistant. I am very pro-active and efficient (part of being a quality engineer). I definitely want to be more of a blessing that a curse to my husband because we’re in this together and for the long haul. I don’t want to settle…. I want to be my best, through strength in Christ, for my husband.

    Thanks for letting me share! Your ministry truly is a blessing!
    Sherry

    • peacefulwife
      May 25, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

      Sherry,

      It is wonderful to meet you!!!

      Congratulations on your marriage! :) It sounds like you are extremely blessed!!

      Your husband reminds me of my FIL – he is a pastor, too. His van always has tons of tools in it – he has rent houses he works on. So it is kind of his portable shed, I think. :)

      I’m very glad that you were able to see how important packing the trunk is to him and let him have at it – and enjoy some peaceful time to yourself. ;)

      That does sound like the mini-van is crowded. I actually agree with you – I prefer a lot less clutter in a vehicle.

      From what you are writing – I am assuming that is the most significant issue you are having with him – would that be correct?

      I am very proud of you for asking respectfully about the tools, and then waiting such a long time (for a woman!) and asking respectfully again. At this point, it seems that you may have your answer, based on his behavior. Right now, it has not been a top priority for him to clean out the tools. He may do it still in the future. He may not.

      If the most aggravating thing he does is hoard tools in his mini-van – I say you are one of the luckiest women on earth!!!! :)

      So – here’s the deal, my precious sister:

      - You have every right to ask him for what you would like – removing some of the tools. You have now done that 3 times. He hasn’t moved the tools.

      - He has every right to decide to answer “no” if he thinks it is best for him to have the tools in the mini-van. He also has the right to decide what his priorities will be, and to hold off on moving the tools if there are more urgent things that he believes he needs to do for his work or the family. You cannot force him to remove his tools. Well… you could. But that would be extremely disrespectful. I did something like that once- many years ago. Cleaned up my husband’s tools in the very messy garage when a heating and air guy couldn’t walk to the furnace in the garage. My calm, passive (at the time) husband, has never been more upset than he was that night. That is probably one of the most disrespectful things I ever did – because I did it, KNOWING he told me not to touch anything, but I didn’t care what he wanted. I didn’t want to be embarrassed with the heating and air guy again the next day. NOT WISE on my part. I cared more about respecting and pleasing that total stranger than I did about respecting and pleasing my husband or God. :( I’m ashamed to say.

      - Here is what I ask myself now. “Is this issue more important than my intimacy with Christ? If so, then I can make it into a huge deal with my husband. Jesus commands me to respect my husband and to honor His leadership. Maybe, God knows that there will be a need in a few weeks, and my husband will be prepared because maybe God is nudging him to keep some of these things in the van. I am not privy to God’s plans or prompting in my husband’s heart. And is this issue more important than the unity and peace of our marriage? Is this issue more important to me than respecting my husband? Is this issue big enough and critical enough that I need to jeopardize the unity and intimacy in my marriage about it?”

      If it is more important than Christ or my marriage or my husband – then it’s time to go for it and try to force my way.

      - I also ask myself, “Is my husband asking me to sin or to condone sin?” Is it a sin for him to have a bunch of tools in his mini-van? Not that I can find in scripture.

      - Then I ask myself, “Am I holding bitterness and resentment in my heart about this issue? Am I being unforgiving? Am I being selfish to try to force my way? Am I being prideful, thinking I know so much better than my husband or that my way is the only way that is ‘right’? Am I trying to control him instead of honor his God-given leadership?” Those things ARE SINS in the Bible .

      - Yes it is your responsibility to be good stewards. And I am not a gas-milage expert. But I feel pretty confident that it’s not that big of a difference in gas expenses. If it is – HE is the one God will hold accountable, not you. So, you are off the hook! You have asked him to remove the tools. It does seem that he removed some. He is a grown man, and it is his within his rights to decide how many tools he wants to bring in his mini-van. You may not like it. That’s ok. You are free to share your desire with him – to remove the tools – and you have done that. So now it is up to you to graciously accept his decision and learn to be content with the circumstances. Realize that by allowing him the freedom to make the choice about what to bring in the mini-van, you are showing him that you trust him, that you have faith in him, that you allow him to make his own choices about his life, and that you honor his leadership in the family. By graciously accepting his decision, you choose intimacy with Christ, unity with Him, intimacy with your husband and unity with Him. And, you never know, you just might be able to witness miracles as God works in your husband’s heart about something as simple as his tools. I got to witness something like that, probably because of a man who didn’t listen to his wife about the exact kinds of things you are talking about! Check it out! A Real Life Example of Biblical Respect and Submission

      - This is a big step in learning to give up more control and trust instead.

      - Husbands assume that when we trust them about little things like this issue – that we will trust them about much bigger issues. They also assume that if we don’t trust them about little issues, that we don’t trust them on bigger issues. Your trust, faith, cooperative spirit, joy in Christ even as he makes a decision you don’t like, and willingness to give him room to make his own choices and even to make ‘wrong’ choices in your mind – will help spur him on to become a better leader and more godly man.

      - I pray that you will find your contentment 100% in Christ, not in your circumstances. And I pray that God might work powerfully, even in this little issue, to show how beautiful His design for marriage is.

      I also have a post for pastor’s wives, if you are interested. That is a HUGE responsibility! I admire and respect you greatly for your ministry to your husband and family and your church family! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!!!!! :)

  5. Kristen
    July 8, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

    help! I desire God’s will in my life and I am at a crossroads. My flesh wants to file for divorce, and several Christian friends say I have biblical reasons to file, but I am afraid that if I give up I may be missing a blessing. Before I blame my husband for all our problems, I know that I am not a respectful wife. I never had a good example of how a woman shows respect to her husband. I love that you have a list to show specifically how to be respectful. Here’s my dilemma: I do not know how to show respect for my husband. Throughout our marriage, he has a tendency to put himself first (I was admitted to the hospital, when he found out he drove to meet me, but stopped to get a soda first, crashed the truck in their drive thru, and when he came to the hospital, he no longer worried about me, but came into my room upset yelling about his truck) (another ex: I had a c section with my 4th child, although I was in much discomfort 6 days after my c section he chose to go to a music concert from 4pm till midnight and leave me at home with a newborn and 3 kids to care for) He looks at pornography online, smokes marijuana, we live paycheck to paycheck and can barely pay our bills, but he financially supports his habit. He works hard and puts in long hours, but continues to chose careers where there is no room for advancement, and only last months to a few years, then closes out his 401k lives off that for a month or so and then goes to the next job. I want so much more for myself and my children… he is perpetually angry and yells at me (I tend to be the brunt of his anger) and the kids almost daily. I do want to be respectful, and I have prayed to God to help me see my husband the way He does, to help me to love my husband and help me to respect my husband…. but when he comes home late, from drinking and smoking and wants to fight (never physically) I have a hard time holding my tongue and be respectful. I can usually go for 30 mins or more letting him vent, but after awhile I tend to respond and my responses are neither loving or respectful.

    • peacefulwife
      July 8, 2013 at 9:27 pm #

      Kristen,

      YOu certainly do have a challenging situation. Thankfully, with God, all things are possible!

      Would you please email me and we can talk about some ways you can begin to change – especially in your relationship with Christ? aprilc@sc.rr.com

      It is wonderful to meet you! I can’t wait to see what God has in store.

  6. Cristiana3597
    August 13, 2013 at 9:40 am #

    What a great post! My boyfriend and I are not married, but I think respect needs to start much earlier than marriage, and I have been terribly bad in this department… so has he, but he won’t admit it… yet… hoping to be a better example of what respect looks like so he can learn from (hopefully!!).

    • peacefulwife
      August 13, 2013 at 10:03 am #

      Christiana,
      YES! Respect does need to start WAY, WAY before marriage! That is why I have a blog for single women, too… http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com.

      I am SO excited that you are willing to learn now – you will spare yourself and your man much grief!

      • Cristiana3597
        August 13, 2013 at 10:20 am #

        Awesome! This will help me out greatly, and our relationship…

        • peacefulwife
          August 13, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

          Cristiana,
          You are very welcome! :) Let me know if there is anything you want to talk about or would like me to address!

  7. Annie
    August 24, 2013 at 2:53 am #

    Having fed his needs in the 13 yrs we have been married …. I am reduced from an independent person capable of standing on my own feet to someone who is totally dependent with no earnings ! And now I find out that he respected me for what I was and not what I have turned into after marriage and kids !! He now loves to get attention from women who are independent and aggressive !!

    • peacefulwife
      August 24, 2013 at 6:44 am #

      Annie,

      It is great to meet you!

      Would you like to talk about what is going on a bit more?

      I am always glad to hear from you.

  8. RODH
    August 31, 2013 at 7:29 am #

    Are there actually Christian women that RESPECT their husband? I’d be so very grateful to God if my wife even had a tiny bit of respect for me. Right after we married my informed me she HATED the word ‘Submit’ and felt that women were to be respected! (yes they do, but it’s a 2-way street!) For 18 of our 21yrs together, it’s been VERY BAD.After she spent us bankrupt (giving to her drunk daughter and that girls husband) 1996, one month later I was diagnosed (no sympathy wanted) with cancer.3yrs to get back on my feet and during this time she (for the most part) abandon me to be with daughter and grandkids, so this meant she didnt cook anymore nor clean. That daughter has been such a negative influence! I got tired of coming home after work and cleaning soi talked to a lady counselor at church. She said quit cleaning and let her live in her own pig-sty and it’s been that way since. All the fighting, bickering and stress caused me to have major panic attacks,that’s a fearful thing! Then in 2010 I had a stroke. I’m telling every one of you that kind of stress breaks down the body! Now doctors say spinal stenosis. I’m ready to get rid of her, she’s been drinking since just before the stroke and gets smashed drunk! And to think I didnt see these things in her when we dated nearly2 yrs! Now i’m ready to put her out of the house. House is filthy to the MAX. She’s never had to do without $$, drives a Lincoln so whats the deal? She has let herself become so terribly fat! I’m no liar. She weighed 110 when we married, now she’s heavier than me (i’m162lbs) After all this, I still want to be a good Christian man and do whats right, but after stroke and yrs of trying to make it work, i see no hope. She even moved out of our master bedroom to a seperate room. For my health emotionally and physically, I think it’s best to go our seperate ways. I’ve been as good a husband to her as I know how, never been with another woman, etc. As I said, I see no hope of working anything out. I’d GIVE to have her love me, show compassion and passion, respect me, for her to do what’s right. BLESSED ARE YOU MEN WHO HAVE A RESPECTFUL, LOVING WIFE WHO WANTS TO DO YOU GOOD!

    • peacefulwife
      August 31, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

      RODH,

      I am so sorry that things have been extremely difficult in your marriage.
      I can tell you this – God is able to change people’s hearts. He changed mine! And I get to watch him dramatically change many other wives’ hearts here, as well.
      I pray God will give you wisdom and His Spirit’s power to love, lead and pray for your wife and family that He might be greatly glorified.

      • RodH
        September 2, 2013 at 5:57 am #

        Peaceful, I’m willing that God change my heart too. I’ certainly not perfect! You state you get to watch God dramatically change other wives’hearts, That would be Welcome in this house. I’d love to have a woman who actually would approach me with genuine hugs, and to be a peaceful woman, plus one who cooks, cleans etc. I didn’t marry to have a maid, but for a relationship which includes Love to each other, and each doing what is needed, but also things spoken of in the Bible! OH Goodness I’d welcome that indeed!
        Thank you much!
        Rod

        • peacefulwife
          September 2, 2013 at 8:30 am #

          RodH,
          God definitely changed my heart – in a radical way. It took time to undo all the damage I had learned from our culture, to tear it all out and rebuild on Christ alone. But now I do get to see Him changing wives every day. I can’t open their spiritual eyes. But sometimes God lets me be a small part in that. :)

          Praying for you, my precious brother in Christ!

          Here is a post my actual brother from my family wrote:
          “When My Spouse is Wrong”

          • peacefulwife
            September 2, 2013 at 8:38 am #

            RodH,
            PS
            It may be helpful to you to know that most wives are not purposely disrespectful. Most of us have no idea what disrespect is to our husbands or what respect is to men. We are usually responding to feeling unloved. And sometimes if we feel our husband is sinning against us, we feel justified in treating him poorly to try to show him our pain. Of course, that is not biblical! But most women I have worked with – and it has been hundreds now – do not intentionally disrespect their husbands. They are often acting out of fear and think they have to try to take control. Most wives in this situation do not see God’s sovereignty. In fact, I have come to believe that a wife’s level of respect and biblical submission for her husband is a tangible indicator of her level of reverence and submission to Christ.

            When a woman begins to understand God’s sovereignty, and that He is in control, not her – things begin to change. And when women begin to understand what respect and disrespect are – they can learn to speak the language of respect fluently in time.

            Most women do not even realize there is a whole masculine world of respect. They think men need love like they do. They try more love and words, and that doesn’t work. And they are as frustrated and hurt as their husbands, they just don’t know what to do.

            In Christ,
            April

  9. Cristiana3597
    August 31, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    I am very sorry to hear that went through all that :( and i hope you are recovered now. There are women who do respect their husbands. It is what my grandmother instilled in me and i thank God for that every day. It sounds to me like your wife might not respect herself…if thats the case she will have little respect for others. Hang in there and i will pray for you :)

    • RodH
      September 2, 2013 at 5:49 am #

      Cristiana I appreciate your prayers! You commented that wife didn’t respect herself, that may be so, but I have many times asked her to see a counsilor, she did go to two different ones 2 times and quit. She’s been this way for 18years, I’m in physical pain and having anxiety. When the new Pastor gets back in town Sept9th he will call her and arrange for a meeting. If he can’t drastically change right away, it’s time to seperate. I’m sorry to God if this happens, but I been asking and even begging him (God) to change her for all this time. It’s time to go a new direction.
      Thanks again.
      Rod

      • RodH
        September 2, 2013 at 10:47 am #

        I read what I have typed and I apoligize to everyone. I know I must appear ‘over the top’ and forceful, but that’s not what I want or desire to portray (nor be either). I know I must be Strong In God and try to see the good in my wife. I see I need to change some things of my own as well.
        Thanks to all,
        Rod

  10. Mary
    September 10, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

    What did you mean cover YOUR head?And RESPECT YOUR husband for looking at other women just because they are out in publuc? You are so wrong lady!!”

  11. Sandy Fisher
    October 15, 2013 at 10:45 pm #

    I got married to my best friend not a control freak. Your blog leaves no room for a wife to be herself. A marriage includes two people not one. I gaurentee you start doing all these things he will be spoiled and think everything is all about him. He will abuse his power and will start mistreating the wife.

    • peacefulwife
      October 16, 2013 at 6:44 am #

      Sandy,
      I’m sure there are some abusive men who may do that. Thankfully, most men actually respond very positively and become much more thoughtful, loving, kind, generous and selfless. My husband did. So have many husbands that I know of. The only men I am aware of who haven’t responded well to a wife’s genuine respect have been men who were already quite abusive, addicted to drugs/alcohol or with major uncontrolled mental issues. That is one reason I mention often that a wife with serious situations like this seek help.

      My husband is not at all a control freak. He’s very laid back. But there are reasons why God commands wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33) – it is because men thrive on respect the way that women thrive on love. The same God who commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her told wives to respect their husbands and to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.(honor the husband’s God-given leadership).

      Husbands are commanded to love and honor their wives and be gentle with them as well.

      When God’s Spirit empowers us to be the wives He desires us to be – He can give us the strength to use our words to give life, to build up, to encourage and to bless instead of using our words to destroy, criticize, tear down, berate, lecture and complain.

      Becoming a respectful wife is actually part of the sanctification process of us becoming more and more like Jesus. With His Spirit filling us up, we are going to treat our husbands and all people with respect. It is not a chore, but a joy.

      Thanks for sharing your concerns! I pray for God’s greatest blessings on your walk with Him and your marriage.

      • peacefulwife
        October 16, 2013 at 6:45 am #

        Oh!

        Sandy,

        As believers in Christ, He calls us to die to our old sinful self. So it is true that we are no longer our sinful selves. But we put on our new self in Christ. So we are our new selves – the selves God desires us to be. :)

  12. Tami
    October 19, 2013 at 5:21 pm #

    By God’s grace I had the first conversation with my husband and daughter where I really listened and didn’t interrupt or take over the conversation. I didn’t play the devil’s advocate and offer an opposing opinion. I gave my husband four pages of an apology and told him in the right way so he wouldn’t be afraid that a fight would follow. It is such a relief to have success. And really, the things that men like as far as respect goes really involves a lot of common courtesy. Who knew?!! Lol

  13. Chrissie G
    October 23, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

    hi there, i’ve only just come across your blog and wish i had earlier. We’ve been together for 3years and have a child f our own a few months old, we did everything the other way round, moved in together following our previous marriages etc etc so we are a combined family. Of late all we do is argue and i;m not perfect i know that, but this article has hit home a bit. Our plans of getting married went on the back bench as neither of us could not think about going through another bad marriage. Now there is a bit of work theere but believe that restoration can occur somehow as long as God allows it and i have faith, hence i think i was led here. HELP, i need to know where to start. We barely talk now but i am trying to correct my wrongs, i don’t want us to hurt each other unnecessarily as we both used to love each other a lot.

  14. Sherri
    October 23, 2013 at 11:52 pm #

    I just found your blog this evening I have read many of your articles and also the responses. I too wish I would have found it 3 years ago as I am on my second marriage and we are struggling. My husband has said it is about my disrespect to him and how I take the majority of decision making upon myself as well as disciplining my two children. Our intimate life has gone by the wayside, we don’t talk and my children are miserable as well as ourselves as we fight often. I pray and sometimes I feel that I just need to let go and I feel like a failure. Other times I feel that I need to hang on. I too was raised by my mother who was very independent and a strong woman who made all the decisions in our home. I guess I have always been like that when it came to all areas of my life. It’s hard for me to step back and let someone else make the decisions as it makes me feel weak inside and that I’m not doing as well or as well as I thought my mother was doing. This problem in our marriage has consumed me and pulled me back down mentally to where I was in my previous marriage.

    • peacefulwife
      October 24, 2013 at 6:55 am #

      Sherri,
      There is so much hope in Christ! He can change your heart and mind and give you a new life. I’m very glad to walk beside you on this road. :) If you want to talk about how to get started – I am glad to do that with you.

      It is wonderful to meet you! If you are willing to do things God’s way – I believe that God may heal your marriage. :)

      Sending you a HUGE hug!

      • Sherri
        October 29, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

        Thank you, I appreciate that so much. I am praying and we are talking more but this comes and goes. I know there are many areas we need to repair. I pray its not too late and that my husband truly wants the same.

        • peacefulwife
          October 30, 2013 at 6:16 am #

          Sherri,
          I know this… our God is ABLE. And He love marriage. If anyone can heal your marriage, He can. :) Praying for you as well!!!!!

  15. Tami
    October 24, 2013 at 9:39 am #

    I have been practicing this for about a week now and have seen huge results right away. It is the Lord changing hearts and graciously granting blesssings. It is nice to have freedom from asking, “What’s wrong?”, and relying on God to take care of that in him. God DOES take care of it. It’s nice to not feel like I have to be the Holy Spirit for everyone, lol, I wasn’t doing a good job of it anyway.

    • peacefulwife
      October 24, 2013 at 10:05 am #

      Tami,

      It is a HUGE relief not to try to be in charge of everyone! This is definitely the path to peace. I’m SO excited about what God is doing in your heart. WOOHOO!!!!!! :) I just have to praise Him with you. :) Thanks so much for sharing!

  16. Pureheart
    October 27, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

    God Bless Everyone, I am feeling so blessed today, like many here, I wish, I could have knew about how different a man thinks and a woman loves, a BIG WOW, God is so good and never come late. I must admit on, I had no idea, in how disrespectful, I been to my Husband, not in bad mouthing him, but in other ways, I also came from a mom not single, but she would ask my dad to do thing and if he didn’t she would do it, and I became her, I didn’t realize, that some simple things really do manner. I also believe strong that God can restore a marry and chance our hearts. I am willing to start today, what I have learned, being more careful in what I say and do, and pray to my Lord to walk me through in all. To teach Us and take from Us, what is not right in His eyes. Lord I am more than grateful for this blog. Please keep blessing Peaceful Wife and continue giving her the wisdom, you have given her, so she can share and bless with others, for your Glory.

    • peacefulwife
      October 27, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

      Pureheart,

      I was just getting ready to respond to your last post. But it looks like God beat me to some of it! :)

      If you had a very dominating, controlling mom – you have been “programmed wrong” about how to be a godly wife and woman. You will have to do what I did (even though my mom was not at all controlling or dominating)… I had to trash everything I thought I knew about being a good wife, a godly wife, about marriage, about masculinity and about femininity. I had to repent of all of my sin – my PRIDE, my idolatry of SELF, my expecting Greg to make me happy instead of finding contentment in Christ alone, my thinking I was better than my husband, my unknowing disrespect, my disobedience to God’s Word, my unforgiveness, my bitterness, my resentment….

      It takes time to shovel out all of the lies we learned growing up and in our culture. Then we must rebuild CAREFULLY on Christ and His Word alone. You will find many posts here to help you do this. That is my goal in writing!

      I completely know without a doubt that God is able to heal your marriage and able to do miracles in your life and your husband’s life. We will pray for that together. I pray you will focus mostly on your relationship with God right now. Ask Him to show you all the sin in your heart. Ask Him to remove it even though it hurts.

      Be willing to die to your old sinful self – and lay down your dreams, your plans, your will, your wisdom, your expectations, your desires, your rights – and give them all to Jesus. Then pick up His power, His holiness, His LIFE, His will, His wisdom, His plans, His dreams, His priorities and seek His glory with all your strength. Let Him be LORD. Obey Him in everything no matter what the cost and no matter if anyone else is obeying HIm or not.

      This is a LONG journey to become a godly wife. It is the process a believer goes through to be made more and more like Jesus – sanctification. If you are able to humble yourself and be willing to allow God to teach you His ways and you desire to know and obey Him more than anything – He will change you. And it will be amazing!

      I can’t wait to see what God is about to do in your life!!!!!!!!! :)

  17. Tammy
    October 28, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    We have been married for 10 years and together for 15 years. My husband has had 2 emotional affairs in the last 3 years, so I decided to do some research. I found out that I am not always respecting my husband like I should. I have been praying to God to help my husband. I am also praying to God to change me and make me the person he wants me to be. I am working through The Respect Dare, only on Day 3, but I’m getting there. I am struggling with an issue. We are struggling financially, however, my husband likes to spend money on things that we don’t really need. He works about 14 hours a day, gone from 5am to 7-8pm. I also work full time, take care of the house and our daughter. He has said to me more than once that I should get another job. I have applied for another job in the past, but no one calls me. I think because I am already working, they want to hire someone that needs a job, not a second one. What do you think?? I am being disrespectful if I don’t try to get another job. Just the thought of it is making me feel a little depressed. Between his work and when he is home, he is on the computer. We do not spend any time together in the evenings. Looking forward to your comments. Thank you and God Bless You.

    • peacefulwife
      October 28, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

      Tammy,

      Did you happen to read my post today? I think it is possible to say, “I wish I could get another job because you want me to do that. I appreciate that you want to provide well for us. And I am very thankful for how hard you work to take care of us financially. But I am just not physically, mentally or emotionally able to add another job to my full time job. I am glad to cut expenses anywhere you think I can.”

      God gave the curse of working by the sweat of their brow to husbands – not wives. I don’t like our system in our culture right now! I think that we are hurting in so many ways by stretching moms so thin and not having time we need for the most important things in life.

      As you begin to cut out disrespect and add respect, he will probably eventually care a lot more about your feelings.

      I have a supplement to The Respect Dare that started on July 1st of this year if you are interested. You can search The Respect Dare on my home page if you’d like.

      Please let me know how you are doing!

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

  18. ashley
    October 29, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    My husband and I have been together for a little over two years now. He was divorced and had two kids with his previous wife, and we now have one together. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to respect my husband; I’m the breadwinner and have pretty much carried the weight since he lost his job not too long after we were together. His works now, but he tends to be more angry and negative, and lacks ambition. He treats me well, but I feel like I’m the head of the household and I guess I don’t respect him for that even though I think I helped create it. I’m seeking help because I’ve never been one to have wondering eyes, but I’m being tempted a lot lately. I can’t help but feel like maybe I made the wrong choice and it’s daunting to think I have a whole lifetime ahead of me like this. I love him, but my “feelings” are much different now. Help… I don’t want to make mistakes and I want to trust God; I’m just feeling stuck.

    • ashley
      October 29, 2013 at 3:04 pm #

      I actually think I have found some answers in some of your other posts. Thank you.

    • peacefulwife
      October 30, 2013 at 6:20 am #

      Ashley,
      If you want to talk more about this, please let me know! I saw your comment. :) Praying for you!!!! Thankfully – feelings are not the basis of our marriages, covenant is. And, when we obey God and learn to do things His way – feelings often follow. Now that you are married – I believe it is GOd’s will for you to stay here and respect and honor your husband. It is especially difficult when you are the breadwinner. That causes most women a huge boost in disrespect. So you will have to focus even more on respect than usual -but with God, all things are possible!

      If you are able to find your contentment solely in Christ – He is able to give you joy and peace even in difficult circumstances. :)

      Much love!

  19. Shaunte
    November 13, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    While I was already showing respect in most of these ways, this article has helped me shed light on where I can do better. Respect has always been a big component of my marriage, and it helps that we each came to the relationship with closely aligned expectations of respect to our spouses, but it isn’t always intuitive and I think I’ve been getting a bit lazy (to be honest) in my expression of my respect for my husband.

    Thank you for posting this.

  20. Jennifer
    November 17, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

    I was looking for help with respecting a husband, and stumbled across your list. The reason I’m looking is that I’m currently engaged and pregnant. We’re both Christians and know what we did was not in line with God’s order for family. For this reason, I feel as if we’ve gotten ourselves into a situation that is just way difficult, and I know I’m making the situation worse with my attitude. I am not respectful of him, and he can be unloving towards me. I know this isn’t because he doesn’t love me, but we both allow selfishness to taint our relationship. Currently, our communication is suffering greatly. I kept looking for resources for him to do better (as I kept nagging him), but with prayer, I realized that I was also in the wrong.

    The issue I’m having is getting over my feminist teachings and giving him the room to truly take charge. The complication is twofold, though. The first is that I’m deeply independent and was against being lead by a man. This issue is deeply rooted in my relationship with my father as well as the perception I grew up having about my parents relationship. I am also college educated, and was taught much about women’s liberation. I do believe these issues are very important, but my inability to let them go has given me a chip on my shoulder about the ‘traditional’ marital model. In fact, some of your bullet points made my stomach turn and my eyes roll.

    The second reason is that I do feel like I’m better with decisions and responsibility than he is. I am better educated, more open-minded, and seemingly more practical (in my opinion). It is difficult for a young woman like me to submit to a man who isn’t far superior than her. I feel like he isn’t, and may never be.

    How do I break myself in these areas so that I can learn to be the adoring wife he needs me to be?

    • peacefulwife
      November 17, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

      Jennifer,

      It is a pleasure to meet you!

      And – welcome to the club! Almost every wife who reads this blog has the same forces at work in her life that you do that make it extremely difficult to embrace God’s design for marriage and for being a godly woman.

      Your reasons for believing that you should be in charge are normal. Your training from your parents, your college education, your belief that you make better decisions – these are the reasons that legions of wives have for not following their husbands, not respecting their husbands and for disobeying God’s Word for us as women.

      What God asks us to do – to respect our husbands and honor their God-given leadership (Ephesians 5:22-33, Titus 2:3-5 and I Corinthians 11:3) is completely counter-cultural, counter-feminism, un-politically correct and it all goes radically against our sinful nature.

      I’m thankful that you can see why you want to reject God’s wisdom for you. THat is the first part of moving toward God and away from sin.

      Now – just like I had to – and many women before you have had to – you will have to wrestle with the fact that none of those reasons, none of your upbringing, none of your education and none of your sinful self give you any valid excuse before God for living in rebellion to His Word.

      Marriage is difficult. It magnifies our sin. It magnifies our men’s sin. It reveals the depth of our own selfishness and pride. It requires dying to self. It requires trashing everything we think we know about being a godly woman, about marriage, about being a godly wife, about femininity and masculinity – and forces us to rebuild on Christ and His truth alone.

      I’m so thankful that you are discovering these things now – not 14.5 years into your marriage like I did.

      Check out my “About” page.

      What you will have to do is to recognize your own mountain of sin and repent of it.

      WHat you have learned from your family, school and society has built up your pride to astromomical levels.

      God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

      Once you see your sin – you will have to HUMBLE yourself and bring yourself down thousands of notches and elevate Christ about a million notches. Then – you will begin to have a proper perspective.

      This is not about who is the best leader. This is not about who would make the best individual decisions. This is not about promoting self. THis is about your relationship with Christ.

      What I know now – is that my level of respect and biblical submission (willingness to honor my husband’s God-given leadership) is a tangible indicator of my level of reverence and submission to Christ Himself.

      The way I treat my husband reveals the way I treat God. Turns out, before when I was so disrespctful and controlling toward my husband – the real issue was that I had SELF on the throne of my heart. I made myself god in my life – even though I thought I trusted Christ. I beleived I was in charge of my life and circumstances. I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty. I didn’t see my pride, idolatry, selfishness, disrespect, rebellion against God’s Word, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, gossip, etc…

      I had HUGE idols in my heart – self, wanting to be in control, wanting to “feel loved,” expecting my husband to be responsible for my happiness.

      I was not living for Christ as Lord of my life. I was living in much sin. And because of that, I didn’t have His peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

      I had the sinful nature in control – Galatians 5:19-21.

      If you are willing to go on this journey, I am very glad to walk beside you on this road. It will be painful at first. But – living in obedience to God and having His Spirit empower you is the path to true fulfillment, true contentment, true satisfaction, joy, peace and the spiritual riches of heaven.

      You may want to check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and biblical submission. ANd you may want to read the posts from the past two days.

      Let me know when you are ready to get started – and we will take the next step together. I can’t do the hard work for you. But I can point you to Christ, pray for you, encourage you and share my story. I can walk beside you.

      This is the only way to truly follow Christ.

      Jesus says, “Anyone who loves me obeys My commands… Anyone who does not obey My commands does not love Me.” John 14:21,23

      I can tell that you do love God and want to please Him. So – I know that you will be willing to wrestle through these issues in order to walk in obedience to Him.

      I can’t wait to see what God has planned for you! :)

      With love,
      April

      • Jennifer
        November 17, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

        It would be wonderful to have your help and guidance. We should start as soon as possible. I read the blog posts you suggested, and they were quite informative. They touched a need in my heart, convicted me, and gave me some fear! I do believe, however, that God can change my heart. It’s up to whether or not I give Him the opportunity and trust in His sovereignty. I’d also like to suggest your husband’s blog for my fiance. Thank you very much.

        I’m excited for the journey.

        • peacefulwife
          November 17, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

          Jennifer,
          I am so excited about what God is about to do! :)

          Absolutely, God can change your heart – you are exactly right – it is up to you to allow Him to do the changing. :)

          Much love my new friend.

  21. R.Haji
    December 29, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

    Having read this I must say I was quite impressed. You know why? Because this is EXACTLY the same expectations encouraged in Islam (of the wife). Neat! Mashallah. ;D

    • peacefulwife
      December 29, 2013 at 10:25 pm #

      R.Haji,

      Thank you so much for your comment!
      Yes, there are many similarities. In fact, I think that these kinds of things used to be expected of wives in many cultures. I am so sad that our culture has taken us so far from respect for our husbands and other God-given authorities.

      You are welcome here. :). It is wonderful to meet you.

  22. Vaishali
    December 31, 2013 at 6:16 am #

    Nice suggestion…I like it.

  23. Brittany
    January 22, 2014 at 8:06 pm #

    I love this! Thank you for the refreshing and inspiring article.

  24. Micah
    January 26, 2014 at 8:57 pm #

    I could really use prayer in this area. I grew up in such a chaotic home w/ my mom demeaning and screaming at my dad everyday, I can’t seem to get this respect thing down…it seems like it should be so easy, but yet I fail…everyday! UGH!

    • peacefulwife
      January 26, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

      Micah,

      I am glad to help you in any way I can – to point you to resources and to Christ and His Word. I have MANY posts about this issue and the root issues that often are behind disrespect – pride, idolatry of self, idolatry of control, lack of trust in God, lack of obedience to God’s Word, a big picture of ourselves and a small picture of God, a lack of understanding of the sovereignty of God, tetchy.

      How is your relationship with Christ going? This is all about you and Jesus. Until you are Spirit-controlled, you will continue to end up being disrespectful.

      Praying for God to continue His work in your life for His glory!

  25. Shana
    February 4, 2014 at 10:28 am #

    Recently found your blog (love it). Quick question. What if your husband tends to drink often and has this need to see his friends quite a bit- a more “im in college” mentality. You have asked him to stop quite a bit and he wont. He does not drink daily or act crazy if he is drunk but he definitely likes to drink. I used to be that way and am not anymore so it aggravates me more than anything. Sometimes he is “tipsy” and drives home. I have always delt with it with yelling, mean words, put downs, pleads, name calling, kicking him out, etc. He claims to be a believer and goes to church with us every week. He sometimes gets more into church and the drinking decreases. But it is short lived. In a month or few weeks he is back to just being content going once a week. Which erks me to no end b/c I want him to be putting God first and not a slave to alcohol. I realize me on the other hand tends to curse when im really upset. Something ive been working on but have not completely stopped. I also am a believer. I realize I have sin too that I cannot just “stop”. I realize I have a lot of pride. BUT what would you suggest since its a substance (alcohol) that’s really bothering me a lot. Thanks

    • peacefulwife
      February 4, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

      Shana,

      This is a tough situation!

      But – I can tell you this – the more you verbally try to pressure and force and nag him and berate him – the more he will rebel against you.

      I Peter 3:1-6 is your strongest and most powerful approach. Let God speak to Him. Your words about this will push him away from God and from you.

      check out

      “When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God”

      And this post about wives trying to be the Holy Spirit

      And “Why He Won’t Do What You Want Right Away When You Ask”

      And Nikka’s 3rd Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband

      Yes, he is sinning.

      So are you.

      You don’t control him. “Healthy Boundaries and Control”

      You only control you – and right now – your life is full of so much sin that you really don’t have much time to be telling your husband what to do. Check out Matthew 7:1-5. You have a plank in your own eye that needs to be dealt with.

      How can you responding in sin and the power of your sinful nature bring your husband to God?

      You are commanded by God to be full of His Spirit – and the evidence of that is found in Galatians 5:22-23 love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.

      The more you try to force your husband to do what you want him to do, he will focus on YOUR sin of disrespecting him, nagging him and trying to control him and he will do the opposite. Men HATE to be told what to do. This approach will NEVER work. He will shut you out of his heart. What you are doing is obviously not working, and yet, you keep doing it.

      It’s easy for us to look at our husbands’ sin and justify our own sin, “well, he did X, so he deserves my contempt, pride, self-righteousness, bitterness, resentment, hatred and unforgiveness.”

      God NEVER allows us to get away with sin. We are never excused for our sin. We will stand accountable to Him for our sin. I pray you will repent of your disrespect and your trusting self instead of trusting God – which is idolatry. It is possible that your husband’s sinless behavior may also be an idol for you, as well as trying to be in control.

      You don’t answer for him.

      You answer for yourself.

      As you stop the negativity, yelling, screaming, name-calling, disrespect, belittling and hatred, he will begin to be able to actually hear God’s voice again instead of yours all the time. You are drowning out God’s voice in your husband’s heart. And you are getting in God’s way and interfering with what He wants to do in your husband’s life.

      Then, as you begin to truly respect him, honor him, encourage him, affirm him and become the godly wife God commands you to be by the power of His Spirit working in you – your husband will hear God’s voice more and more powerfully.

      Stop trying to be God to your husband. You are not deity. I did that for 14 years. It doesn’t go anywhere good. It only destroys your husband, any faith he has and your marriage – plus all that sin grieves God’s Spirit and then you don’t have His power in your life.

      Today is the day to lay down your own mountain of sin and beg God for forgiveness and weep over your sin and begin to pray, “Lord, CHANGE ME!!!!!! Bless him. Change ME!”

      Much love!
      April

  26. Elle
    February 7, 2014 at 11:21 am #

    Wow! This site was a God-send for me and my family! After having another outrageous argument with my husband about how he felt that I did not respect him! I was at work crushed having what I now see as a “damsel in distress pity party” because I was so unloved and my husband was so cold and we might as well get d*v*rc*d(it’s a bad word). And finally I decided that I would try one more thing – I googled “what does it mean to honor your husband”. That was the Holy Spirit helping me save my soul as well as my marriage!

    The night before my husband was going through what has been our monthly “warfare ritual” where we had been doing okay for a few weeks then “it” finally boiled over into a heated argument. Within the last four months those rituals have included me a “Christian” woman cursing, kicking in the tv, writing emails saying “its over”, him saying “its over”,etc. He would seem so distant, cold, irritated and unconcerned with my feeling that I was starving for love in the marriage. After being married 10 years, we were constantly slamming into a brick wall and we were each feeling like we loved each other but we had to get out.

    I now see that everything was coming to a head because of that bad cycle (i forget the detail but the graphic is on the site) no love>women react>no respect> men react? That cycle began to spin like a tire on a Jaguar going 120 mph! The cycle had wound our hearts up for 10 years and now it was just spinning out of control.

    But thank God, we were fighting for the marriage. My husband was attempting to talk some sense into me and my self righteousness and arrogance had me on this ( i hate to admit it but) truly demonic throne where I would decipher each word from his heart and turn it into either an accussation against his character, a charge of hatefulness against me or some form of neglect in meeting my needs.

    In just two short hours or so after reading through this blog our marriage has been saved! I am convinced of it. I went into his email and archived the hateful, damning email that I sent to him earlier before he read it and then I sent him a brief email apologizing and telling him how I really knew that he was an awesome husband and Christian man and I just didn’t get what his need was and now I do. I shared a link to one of the posts here for him to give me his thoughts if he wanted to.

    When I saw him that day it was like a heavy boulder was lifted off of him and he was elated. We didn’t have to go through our usual 5 days of ignoring eachother and whatever. We just instantly became best friends again!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I still have so much work to do and I am on a mission to get out of all of this sin! I thank God for your site and the many marriages that this will help! We need this Good News in our world today!

    • peacefulwife
      February 7, 2014 at 1:47 pm #

      Elle,

      Wow! You know how to make a girl’s day!!!!

      Thank you so much for sharing your story! What God is doing in you is beautiful!! I can’t wait to see all that he has in store,
      This is a long journey. It is like learning a new language. I am always glad to talk any time you want to hash through anything.

      I hope you might allow me the honor of sharing your story as a post. I believe it will inspire many wives! :)

      Much love! Praying for God’s greatest glory in your life and in your marriage!

      • Elle
        February 7, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

        If I made your day, I was only returning the favor. Definitely, please share the story because I hope that someone in my situation can be helped.

        Thanks for your prayers! It is always great to see us as Christians being that “full-flavored salt” in the Earth!

        May God Bless us all!

        • peacefulwife
          February 7, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

          Elle,

          With this beautiful trust you are showing and your humility and willingness to learn – I know that God is about to do some amazing things in your heart. :)

          Thanks so much for allowing me to share!

          With love,
          April

        • peacefulwife
          February 7, 2014 at 3:56 pm #

          Thanks, Elle! Please let me know how you are doing!!!! :) I’m always glad to encourage you, pray with you and point you to Christ in love. :)

          • Elle
            February 7, 2014 at 4:26 pm #

            I think that I should go ahead and update you again now. I have to say that I am so encouraged because it has not even been 48 hours and I am just bursting with joy because our marriage was diagnosed by us both as having a fatal disease and we saw it dying. There was no doubt that it was going to die.

            We were both scurrying around for a cure and after literally 10 years we were just ready to get on with the funeral and I even began talking to our 8 and 5 year old sons about the idea that mommy and daddy might live apart. He was always thinking about a separation. I know now he was just trying to find relief that might help him survive me in the marriage. But I saw him as truly hating to be around me. But we knew we loved each other. I know that I would pray and God would bring me relief and I had believed (asking God to help my unbelief) but I feel like He was taking me through a process of training through perserverance and experience and patience, then in God’s special way He led me to this blog and revealed the “dead men’s bones” that were in my soul to take me across the finish line when I could not deny my sin, deep, deep deception, pridefulness, hatefulness, ugghhhh!

            I have just been listening to your vlog on youtube as I work to help me really “get it”. When everything happened yesterday I just felt like I needed sackcloth and ashes – LOL! I really felt like I needed to put a bar of soap in my mouth and leave it there and take a vow of silence for a while.

            This is such a God send – as an example, I wanted him to contact a bill collector for me and we talked about it three days ago and he said well the bill collector already knows when we were going to pay on the account and I said “Look, are you going to call them or not!” and he did not say anything (God bless him).

            But today the bill collector left a message for me again and I sent a text and said ” ** called me again. It’s making me nervous. I can call after work. But if you would call I would feel better.”. Next thing I know, when we talked later he said I missed your call because I was on the phone with the bill collector. THANK YOU JESUS AND PEACEFUL WIFE!

            • peacefulwife
              February 7, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

              This is awesome!!!!! I am so excited for you BOTH!!!

  27. Yede
    February 19, 2014 at 8:23 am #

    Hello, I just searched your site because I felt really sad. I have been married for 5 years and since I got married to this amazing man, his family have been trying to rule my home. My husband loves his mother and listens to what she says. Unfortunately, she has her way of manipulating things to suit herself. she also wanted me to discuss everything about my home with her which I did not agree with. In spite of her behaviour and words which caused numerous fights in my home I still showed her respect. She continued her negative input. My husband does not show any respect for my parents or siblings but expect me to respect his. He made many derogatory remarks about my parents which to tell the truth, hurt me deeply till today. I have been emotionally abused and I feel sad. He also made it difficult for me to go about my professional career and every time I seemed to make a head way he is upset for no apparent reason and picks a fight from the most trivial things. It got the point that when I had a job interview, I had to look at my pre-marriage pictures to boost my self esteem and I made it through and got the job. There are so many things that I cannot write at the moment but when I think of them I weep.
    Now, he speaks to me like I am a slave. I usually try to be calm but then it gets to the point when I lose my temper and I ask if what he thinks he is doing is fair.

    My question now is how do I respect my husband despite all these. Thanks

    • peacefulwife
      February 19, 2014 at 8:09 pm #

      Yede,

      Oh goodness! My precious girl! I am so sorry that things are so very difficult. :(

      God’s design for marriage is that a husband is to “leave his father and mother and cleave (cling) to his wife” for exactly the reasons you are describing. It is a nightmare when parents are in the middle of the marriage.

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
      Do you have a godly mentoring wife or godly Christian counselor you can talk to?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      How has he abused you?

      Are you safe?

      I am not able to attempt to answer your question until I know a bit more about your situation.

      I have a post about things that are disrespectful to husbands at the top of my home page. You may want to read it and see if you may be doing anything that would come across disrespectfully to him? It seems that he is disrespecting you. Both husbands and wives need love and respect. I pray that God might heal your marriage and give you wisdom.

      I am glad to walk beside you on this road.
      Much love to you, my friend!

      • Yede
        February 20, 2014 at 6:14 am #

        Thank you. We are both practising christians. I didn’t talk to anyone because I did not want to feel like I was reporting him. My parents have been married for about 40years and he is from a polygamous setting where his mum was no 5 or 6. The abuse has been emotional. I think I am safe. I hope the responses have been helpful. Thank you

        • peacefulwife
          February 21, 2014 at 9:11 am #

          Yede,

          Please check out my post today

          And then, let’s talk about what steps you can take to move forward with Christ and becoming the woman God desires you to be, even in this difficult situation, and how you can experience the victory of Christ in your life and marriage.

          Sending you a huge hug, my precious sister!

  28. Cheryl Young
    February 22, 2014 at 2:35 pm #

    Your suggestions make it sound like a woman is only ever meant to serve a man and children. When is there ever a time for r women to be happy and enjoy things when all we ever do is cook clean and make sure men are happy?

    • peacefulwife
      February 23, 2014 at 6:18 am #

      Cheryl Young,

      Thanks for your comment! :)

      Our purpose in life is to bring glory to God. He wants us to become the godly women He commands us to be. These things are not possible by our own power. But as He regenerates us through the power of His Spirit, He is able to remove our sin and give us the ability to be godly women and to bless our husbands and children in incredible ways.

      The amazing thing is, it is only when we are filled with His Spirit that we can have true joy, contentment, fulfillment, peace, purpose, and abundant life. Doing things God’s way by His power doesn’t cause oppression, it brings freedom, weightlessness and incredible satisfaction. We crucify our old sinful nature and put on our new self in Christ.

      When Jesus is LORD of my life, I say, “Yes, Lord” to whatever He asks me to do – after all – He gave His life for me so that I could be made right with God through His innocent blood shed in my place.

      God commands wives to respect and honor their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33) – and He commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. My job is to take care of what He asks ME to do. I trust God to work in my husband’s heart.

      The kind of love God calls ALL believers to have for ALL people looks like this:

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8

      If we are controlled by our old sinful nature, we will act in the following ways in verses 19-21, but if God’s Spirit is in control, we will act in Godly ways in verses 22-33 no matter how other people treat us. This is ALL about our relationship with Christ, it has nothing to do with what our husbands do or do not do:

      The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

      22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

      As we become the women God calls us to be, our godly nature inspires our husbands and they (unless they are extremely spiritually/mentally/emotionally sick) will eventually usually respond by showing love in return. But even if they do not, we are to be obedient to God in every thought, word and action because we know we will stand before God and give an account to Him one day.

      How is your walk with Christ?

  29. Koren
    February 25, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

    HI,
    I am a disrespectful wife, but God is doing a work in my heart to learn how to respect my husband. Please pray for me! I was wondering though for advice on what you would/have done if you offended your husband by encouraging another male in front of him instead of my own husband. I know I have hurt him on a very deep emotional level, something I want to change about myself. I feel hopeless in making him feel better after offending him so deeply.

    Thank you,
    Koren

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2014 at 6:10 pm #

      Koren,
      It is great to meet you!!! I have many, many posts that I believe may help you as you learn on this journey. :) you can briefly apologize to your husband, without justifying or explaining yourself, and then you can make a point to build him up and praise him in front of others from now on. :)

  30. B
    March 6, 2014 at 11:46 pm #

    It’s so sad and disheartening that in the year 2014, there are still people who believe men have to be the head of the household. Jesus Christ should be the head of the household, not a man or woman. Husbands and wives should be equal. Marriage is about compromise, not about always being in control due to your physical anatomy.

    • peacefulwife
      March 7, 2014 at 8:39 am #

      B,

      Thanks for your comment. :)

      I Corinthians 11:3 describes God’s authority structure for families. You are exactly right that Christ is to be the head of the household, but then the husband and then the wife.

      It looks like this as far as authority structure:
      God > Christ > Husband > Wife

      That is scripture.

      And, you are also right that husbands and wives are absolutely of equal value before God. Galatians 3:28 makes that very clear
      There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And, men and women were created equally to be image bearers of God (Genesis 2 and 3).

      There is no difference in value or importance between husbands and wives any more than there is a difference in value or importance between Christ and God. Authority and biblical submission have nothing to do with value. Actually, submission and authority begins in the Godhead between God the Father and God the Son. Jesus submitted to God in all things – yet He is completely equal to God.

      Many people get confused about relationships where God institutes spiritual authority and think that means the one in authority is “greater” than those under them. That is not God’s concept of authority at all.

      I have a fantastic post about this. Spiritual Authority and “A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage” that should help clear up any confusion.

      God decides who has authority. He gives authority to whomever He deems is best. He has the right to do whatever He wants – He is God. His wisdom is infinitely higher than our own. He created men, women, families and marriage, and His design works.

      If you will please read Ephesians 5:22-33, you will see that husbands have much greater accountability and responsibility before God and are commanded to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. When husbands obey God and wives obey God – God is greatly glorified in marriages and marriages draw people to Christ. That is God’s primary purpose in marriage – to demonstrate a living picture of the relationship between Christ and the church through the way that a husband and wife relate to one another.

      I have no authority to tell people how to live their lives. But God and His Word DO have the authority to tell us how to live our lives. We are wise when we obey Him.

      Jesus says, “If anyone loves Me, he will obey Me… If anyone does not obey Me, then he does not love Me.” John 14:22,24

      Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

      25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

  31. Pat
    March 14, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

    Peaceful Wife,

    I read you blog with much interest.. as I type this I am so heartbroken and full of hurt…. my husband moved out from the home about a week ago and it’s unbearable. He always and continues to state that all he is looking for is some repsect from me and which he is correct.. Admitingly it is all so true, I have a very commanding and controlling personality, whilst my independence and ‘do it all yourself’ may be quite attractive even to my husband, because he is so passive and layed back it doesn’t go down too well most times. My demeanor borders over to being disrespectful alot of time. More importantly, we lived together in a home which I had before we got together, we had a heated argument and I told him to ‘pack his things and go’, I was very upset and didn’t mean it at all but it’s not the first time that I’ve said it and oh boy how I wish I didn’t. It was the last straw for him…. he is a rastafarian and with their beliefs, which I highly respect, that is a big no no to say to your husband and more so I had no right to say it. We are married, we share a home, why is it that I feel I should use the ‘house’ as a control factor because ‘I own it’. At this point, he wants the marriage to work but is infactic that he will not come back to the house to live. The house is mortgage, we have 3 kids, we would need atleast a 3/4 bedroom home, even if I did I can’t sell the house overnight. At the same time, I am looking at various options to resolve this, I am giving him some time to reconnect with his feelings and I am seeking counselling to deal with my issues; I’ve been told not just by my husband that I’m not the easiest to get along with, I’m very moody and rest goes without saying…. I want to fix that about me and be wholesome for myself, my kids and my husband. I love my hisband and desparately want it to work. Last but not least, I am also looking to God for guidance. Needless to say, I am besides myself…. any advice especially on the living arrangements would be appreciated. Help!!!

    • peacefulwife
      March 14, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

      Pat,

      It is great to meet you! I am SO SORRY for the pain you and your husband are experiencing in your marriage. I can obviously relate to your personality, disrespect and control.

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you and a HUGE hug!!!!

  32. kwana
    April 20, 2014 at 10:18 pm #

    I am married and my husband doesnt show me affection any more. He constantly. Shows me. My wrongs and tells me i need to be a better woman of God. If i dont agree. With him he gets upset. And wont talk to me for a week and then use God for his doing so. God told jom mot to talk to me. How can i submitt to him when he does not love me as Christ. Loves the Church. I do wrong he says well if you dont follow your husband i am disobeying Gods word, how is that? I praise God all day and he keeps me reliving my pass. How can i honor a man like this. I dont matter it seems, he talks more to his. Sisters in Christ than he does me when we are having an argument. Where is God on that how can i be wrong in not following. Him a man who say he love God

    • peacefulwife
      April 21, 2014 at 6:08 am #

      Kwana,
      It makes me so sad to hear husbands try to force their wives to “submit” to them and showing conditional love in the name of “God.” :(

      I would love for you to be able to seek godly counsel – a godly mentoring wife – or even the pastor, if possible, if he is a godly, trustworthy man.

      In the meantime, if a husband is disobedient to the Word of God – I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s command for us. You are only responsible for your life to be pleasing and honoring to Christ. You are responsible for your sin and your motives. You are accountable to God for you. Your husband is accountable to God for himself. God is able to bring conviction to your husband – but, you may have to try to get out of God’s way in order for that to happen – I hope that makes sense.

      What do you do when he acts like this? What do you say?

      Has he always been this way?

      Does he have any mental illness, history of abuse, infidelity or addictions?

      Praying for God’s power and wisdom for you!

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